> Twilight Tries Not to Think
>  by Flutterpriest
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Clear Your Mind
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twilight threw her pillow across the room, and it crashed into a tall tower of her favorite books. The dusty literature scattered across the floor, but she couldn’t be bothered to pick them up, let alone try to grab the soaking wet pillow. Why would anypony want something so washed up? So useless? So terrible?

It should just go away.

Twilight sat up in bed and placed her face in her hooves. She wiped her damp cheeks and shook her head.

“Twilight. Stop. You can’t do this another night in a row,” she whispered to herself in the darkness.

She rose to her hooves and moved like a shadow to her bathroom. Once the alicorn stepped inside, she examined herself in the mirror. The weary eyes that stared back judged the Princess. Her reflection saw every single fault and failure she tried to hide from the world on a daily basis. Things everypony saw. 

Twilight grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills and sighed to herself. Uncorking the bottle, she tilted out two of its contents. She stared at them carefully.

Then she dumped out two more.

“Would that be enough to help me sleep right away?” she mumbled.

Her eyes examined the four pills carefully.

Then she poured out four more.

Then, sixteen.

Twilight stopped, examining the medicine in the dark room.

‘That would do it,’ she thought. ‘Then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. I could finally do something right.’

Twilight’s hoof trembled.

She closed her eyes and put all but two of them back.

She downed the sleep aids without any water, then sauntered back to her room, moving the books back to the wall with her magical grasp as she returned to her bed. She drug herself under the covers and cradled into a ball. She shook and let out tiny sobs, praying nopony in the world would see.





Twilight opened her eyes.

A new day crept into existence, and Twilight felt today’s misery roll over her. To her it means a new day of lists. A new day of productivity. A new day of tasks that would make the next day a little easier.

She rolled over to her alarm clock, which sang its screeching, stabbing melody. She pressed the snooze button with a hoof, and then let her hoof slip and hang limply from the bed.

Spike would be back from the Crystal Empire in a few days. Princess Cadance had asked him to have some sort of special press conference regarding his hero status. It would be good for him. Spike had never really handled attention well, so this event teaches him important life skills. It teaches him to be special. To become important. So, now she was alone in this huge, empty castle.

Twilight rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She felt the warmth of the blankets that clutched to her muscles and begged her not to move. She concentrated on her breathing and tried to clear her thoughts.

A list. She needed to build a list. Lists always helped Twilight stay organized and productive. Princess Celestia liked a focused and responsible student. Even more so for a new Princess. Therefore, she couldn't lie in bed all day, or stay curled under the covers, allowing herself to think.

Twilight started with one unwilling hoof. Then another. Then another. And soon, Twilight moved out of bed and heading towards the bathroom to get ready for the day. 

'Get out of bed. Check. Today's already off to a good start,' she thought as she inspected the wooden floors on the way to the shower.

The beginning of the day rarely had paper or pen to guide her first few thoughts. The first goal: Get out of bed. An extremely simple task for most ponies. A task they didn't have to think twice about or expend any energy to perform. Move a few hooves, and then daily chores become automatic.Hours pass and then bed calls your name. It’s simple. So simple. 

‘Why wasn't it simple for me? Why is she so useless—why did anypony waste their time on her?’

Twilight tried to clear her thoughts once more as she raised her head. Stepping into the bathroom, she examined herself in the mirror.

To Twilight, the reflection in the mirror told her exactly how the other ponies would see her that day. Did they admire her? Was she a proper role model? Was she performing all of the proper tasks of a Princess? Or was she just a disappointment?

Bags hung under her eyes and a slight lean in her posture. She stared into the mirror as if she hoped that the other side would say something to her. Some words of praise, a word of scorn, or even a simple hello. Anything but empty small talk. Something with substance that she could grip onto and return in some form of conversation. Yet, as much as she looked into those bloodshot eyes, examined the feathery wings, or studied her familiar horn, the reflection said nothing. Not a soul breathed, glanced, or even acknowledged Twilight. Nor would they want to.

She broke away, knowing the next few pieces of her checklist involved simple, easy chores. Take a shower. Eat something. Go outside.

Simple tasks were the easiest way to keep herself occupied. Tasks provided distractions she never had to write down and could always rely on if she felt unproductive. Twilight just needed to be active. She just had to keep her mind off things and do her list. Then, when she finally laid down at the end of the day, she could praise herself. She did something well. 

Twilight turned the faucet to hot and water streamed down, filling the bathroom with a gentle patter. She stepped into the path of the liquid, but it took its time warming up. The icy temperature brought a smile to her face. The sudden shock of coolness against her fur sent needle-like spirals of pain down her form, but she did not try to evade the sensation. The dull pain felt good in some ways. Like it was—

Twilight cleared her thoughts and locked her eyes to the shampoo. Lifting it with her magic, she poured trails of it over her whole body, then used a separate loofah to lather it through her hair, mane, and hooves.

The water grew warmer, and soon her senses forgot the dull pains of the cold in favor of a more calming massage. Suds rinsed off her body down the drain, but she continued to scrub at herself. Even when all of the soap had fell off her fur, she continued, lost in her own thoughts.

'It's funny how often we take showers. Bathing once, twice, or even three times a day. And then the next day we end up repeating it again. We continually make ourselves dirty, and then try to clean ourselves. As if trying to clean ourselves makes us a better version of our true selves. Ponies even tend to favor company to those who regularly bathe themselves. The smell becomes too rotten and then the pony suddenly becomes too much of a burden to bear. Society abandons ponies who refuse to change. And—'

Twilight stopped scrubbing and hung the loofah back up. She sat on her flank in the warmth of the shower, staring at the ground, actively trying to keep her mind blank. The heat of the water held her tightly, and she wasn't quite ready to let go just yet. The ritual guided her like an old friend to her. Upon the first instance of meeting up with the old friend, a warmth washes over the moment, bathing you in nostalgia. However, these chance encounters usually don't last long. The two friends have lives to attend. Different worlds to live in. So eventually, the water grows cold. Trying to prolong it further doesn't bring the warmth back. It only numbs the chill to a new sense of normal. 

That's how hypothermia sets in.

Twilight shut off the water to the shower.

'Check.'

Stepping out, she grabbed a nearby towel, dried herself off, and wrapped her mane into it to dry. She numbly made her way through the empty halls and listened to the silence around her. Silence bore deeper wounds than any knife could. Silence created thought. Silence possessed creativity. Whenever something didn’t occupy her head, her mind would begin to wander. A thought left unchecked comes to fruition. Danger lied in that thought.

Twilight moved into the kitchen and found the list she prepared for herself from the day before. An honest relief for herself. Creating the next day's tasks ahead of time always helped her stay one step ahead. 

‘Start coffee. Heat the stove. Get the newspaper. Make pancakes. Eat breakfast while reading newspaper. Create a more detailed list for today,’ she read. The list couldn’t be more simple.

Twilight moved at a steady, regulated pace and performed her practiced routine. In a matter of minutes, Twilight prepared everything she needed to make her favorite breakfast. She had already been awake for under an hour. 

'Surely today will fly by.'

Cooking required maximum attention and total focus. Especially when multitasking. Twilight chose pancakes specifically because of their difficult recipe. Timing was essential to make sure the cakes and all the other pieces of the meal finished cooking at the same moment. She watched each individual cake reach a perfect golden brown and hit the plate all at their proper time. Twilight knew she could probably save herself some trouble in the future by cooking more now, but decided that wouldn't be the best idea. She had a routine. She had to stick to it.

By the time she read her paper and consumed her meal, she looked at the clock. An hour and a half of the day had passed. She had barely done anything yet. She looked to a blank piece of paper beside her and eyed it with today's sense of dread. 

Yesterday she cleaned the whole castle. She scrubbed the floors. She shook the rugs. She cleaned the toilets and washed the mirrors. The whole castle was spic and span, which removed that option for today. Her filled refrigerator marked that she didn’t need groceries, so she couldn't go out to get more. Besides, the food she already had could go rotten. Just like her. Stagnating, rotting. Becoming a worthless pile of—

Twilight traced a single square on the notepad repeatedly until it wore a groove in the paper, brainstorming what she could do.

'Do the dishes.'

She wrote the item down quickly, as if a breath of fresh air washed over her and gave her new life.

'What next... I could go get a welcome home gift for Spike... but he's only been away three days.'

She sighed to herself and set down her quill, taking a drink of her coffee.

'I could try re-reading a book... I guess.'

Except, even reading irritated her. She set down her quill again and rose from her seat, beginning to pace the room for ideas. For reasons unknown to her, the enjoyment of reading had just... disappeared. She would pick up a book, get a few chapters in, and find herself unable to push any further. The books were always fine, but she couldn't invest herself into them anymore, no matter what book. It didn’t matter if the novel were new, old, a classic, or even a favorite, she found herself walking away from it within an hour. Almost as if instead of the books having the flaw, it was—

Twilight cleared her thoughts once more. 

'List. Make the list.'





Soon, Twilight had a large piece of parchment that she reviewed for the sixth time as she trotted through the village of Ponyville. She already sniffed the flowers at the flower shop. She played with the fillies down at the lake. Each item on the list helped pass the day as surely as the item before it. When she didn't provide herself a moment to breathe, hours easily passed by unnoticed.. To check an item off the list meant success. Not completing the list meant failure. So, Twilight continued on, checking items off with determination.

The sun began to sink lower in the sky when she came to the final item on her list, as well as the one she debated the most. Window-shop for dresses. 

Contrary to popular belief, Twilight hated shopping. If there were something that she needed, the simplest thing to do would be to arrive at the store, get in, get out, and mark the task complete. However, Twilight hardly wanted to browse. Browsing fought directly against the time-oriented, completion-based mentality that came with a list. When browsing through a store, you had to take your time. Inspect each individual design. Compare and contrast each item. Then, at the end? You may walk away having nothing. In fact, you have less. You had less time. If somepony helped you, then they had less time as well. Effectively, you'd wasted time for both of you.

The door to Carousel Boutique opened with a jingle of bells, signaling the arrival of a new customer.

“Hellooo!” called the happy but familiar voice of Rarity. “We're just getting ready to—Twilight! Dear! How are you?”

Rarity's question created silence.

'How am I? I'm terrible. My whole body hurts. I'm so tired. I just want to scream, or cry, or something to try and let go of the knife that's buried into my chest. I want to feel like I can breathe. I want to be able to wake up in the morning like a normal pony that—'

“I'm fine. How are you?” Twilight responded quickly, ending the silence.

Rarity had approached Twilight and stood beside her with her usual, genuine smile.

“Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Going to take a trip to the Canterlot shop in a few days to check on the progress of the other boutique. Speaking of trip, how's Spike's trip? I'm sure he's been writing home about it.”

“Yes, he has. But the letters are on a bit of a delay. It's odd getting mail from the post-mare rather than instant dragon delivery.”

“Well, yes, I do suppose so,” Rarity answered coolly. “Well, to what do I owe the pleasure? It's rare that you stop by for a dress.”

“I, uhm. Wanted to window shop a little bit,” Twilight said.

Rarity examined Twilight carefully.

“Darling, you and I both know you don't want to window shop. You've never window shopped for a day in your life,” she said.

“That's not true,” she said.

“Books don't count,” Rarity said with a chuckle.

Twilight opened her mouth to respond, but the words she wanted to say caught in her throat. Her eyes moved to the floor and couldn’t release the silent words gagging in her throat.

“Dear... Dear, you do know that I was joking, right?” Rarity asked.

“Yeah. Yeah. I know, it was funny.”

Rarity studied Twilight, closing the gap between them. She took one of her hooves and lifted it to Twilight's chin.

“Darling, has everything been okay lately?” she asked. “You've been getting really solitary lately and it's more than just sorting your books. We've all been getting worried about you.”

“Worried?” Twilight said.

'Now look what you've done.'

Twilight tried to clear her mind by closing her eyes. After a quick moment, she took a deep breath and shook her head.

“I'm fine! I promise. I've just been able to get some things done around the castle with Spike on vacation. That's all!” she said, opening her eyes.

Rarity studied the expression that Twilight wore. Rarity was a smart mare. Smarter than the rest of her friends ever gave her any credit for. She could easily spot a lie. She knew when ponies hid things from her or spoke in purely half-truths. Rarity knew when there was, some sort of bleeding deep inside of them that her friend could help heal.

“Alright, darling. If you say so.”

Twilight just wished her friend could see through her mask.

“I, uhm. I think I should probably get home. There's probably a letter from Spike waiting for me, and I should get things cleaned up for when he gets home tomorrow,” Twilight said.

'This is close enough. I came to the Boutique. Check. I can do this. Only one item on the list left.'

“Are you sure there isn't anything else you need, Twilight?” Rarity asked her.

Twilight already had a hoof on the doorknob and was trying to push herself home. Silence returned. Twilight's thoughts returned.

'A hug?'

Twilight stopped in her tracks at the thought, and she felt the word stick in her throat. Strangling her. Killing her. 

'I can ask for a hug. That's okay. That's normal. It's not weak. It doesn't make me a failure. I can still push through this. I'm fine. I can do this. But I will be stronger if I don't. I can do this myself. I don't need to be somepony's burden. I don't need to waste anypony's time. I've already wasted some of Rarity's today.'

“Not really! Thanks for the offer though! I'll see you later, Rarity,” Twilight said. 

Then she exited the Boutique, having less than when she entered.





Twilight opened the door to her castle and focused on the final item on her list.

'Go to sleep.'

It was the simplest item on the list. Everypony sleeps. Some neglect it. Some over-indulge in it. Some have weird hours that defy the natural programming of the body, but everypony sleeps at some point. Normal ponies sleep.

Twilight made her way back to her room and checked the clock. She managed to stay productive today, just as she'd wanted. It didn't require any extra thought. It didn't require any extra effort. It was a normal day in the life of Twilight Sparkle. Moreover, she had the list to prove it. 

Twilight had already made the quick-lists for the next day, the ones that would push her to make a new list. The last task to accomplish was the final item on the list.

She had already showered. Put on her favorite sleep clothes. Done her nightly routine and it was an hour before her normal bedtime. Tonight, Twilight was confident.

'As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll be asleep. I just know it. Then, the whole day would have gone by quickly and easily.'

Twilight pushed herself under the covers of her bed, which cradled her carefully in its loving embrace. The bed was safe. This was her place that she could let go and finally feel at ease. She rolled and stared at the ceiling and closed her eyes, waiting for sleep to come.

A minute passed. Then five. Then fifteen. All in pure silence.

A silence that was difficult to keep a clear mind in.

'What time is it? Have I fallen asleep yet? Why can't I fall asleep? Please don't be another night of insomnia. I bet I was just too active before bed. Should I get some warm milk? Maybe reading a book would help.'

Twilight rolled over, sighing to herself.

'Why can't I fall asleep? What's wrong with me? Why can't I do anything right?'

She rolled over and put a pillow over her head, as if making the room darker would push her farther away from the thoughts that she wanted to escape. Anger swelled in her chest as Twilight tried her best to imagine a perfectly white room with no windows or doors. 

Everyone falls asleep differently. Twilight had worked hard to research that fact. However, not one particular way worked for her. So she did her best to try as many as possible every night. One of which was focusing on a calm, peaceful place where nothing could happen. She imagined an empty room, just enough not to feel trapped in, but just small enough not to feel lost inside of the large space. She imagined what life would be like for herself in this isolated domain. 

'No expectations. No worries. No obligations. No concerns...'

She went over her routine mental list carefully and meticulously, as if reciting the list perfectly would shield herself from the other mental invaders. The white room was a safe house, not a prison. No concerns existed there. No stresses invaded there. That sort of relaxation was exactly what she needed to fall asleep.

'I wonder how long I could stay in that room,' she wondered to herself. 'Just stay there for, say, a week. Just relax. Detox from stress. How long would it take until I felt normal again?'

Twilight shook her head then buried her face into her pillow.

'Stop. I’m normal. I’m a good student. I’m a good Princess. I’m a good friend. Ponies care about me. I do good things. I can accomplish so much.'

Then, silence.

'Then why do I think I'm such a failure?'

That was the turning point. Once Twilight asked herself that question, there was only one way this night would end. She knew it. 

Twilight tossed the pillow across the room, now letting the tears run down her cheeks instead of into the pillow.

'Why does it feel like I can't do anything right? I can't even sleep like a normal pony. I keep lying to my friends and making them think that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm such a terrible pony. I'm a terrible Princess. I'm a disappointment to Princess Celestia. I'm a disappointment to my family.'

Twilight sniffed as she let her thoughts run wild.

'I just wish I knew some way to make somepony proud of me... but that will never happen. No matter how hard I work. No matter how productive I keep myself, I won't feel any satisfaction for it. It used to. Completing lists gave me so much joy and accomplishment... but now it's all just chores.The pony I used to be died weeks ago. I became weak. I can't let anypony know either or else I'll just be wasting their time. Nopony should have to lift me up. I should be able to do this myself. I don't need help. I can be a normal pony. I can be a normal Princess...'

Twilight drew a shallow and ragged breath.. She turned over and let her body become fully limp.

'What would happen if I didn't wake up? How long it would take anypony to find me? Would it be better if it were longer or shorter? Spike would probably be the first... but I'd just be causing him pain. He would have had such a fantastic trip and then find me dead. I'll just be ruining something else. I can't do that.'

Twilight blinked her eyes and shook her head.

'I haven't ruined anything. These are just silly thoughts. I just need to fall asleep. Counting usually does the trick. I'll just count.'

“One. Two. Three. Four. Five...”

So Twilight counted. She was able to keep her mind completely focused on the numbers in her head as she said them aloud. Soon, her words turned into whispers, and whispers to mumbles. Her eyes grew heavy and the blankets wrapped around her tightly.

“345... 346... 347...”

'See... I'm already getting tired. I'm doing much better than last night. I wonder if it's because I went outside...'

“348... 349... 350...”

Soon, the numbers were only in her head and Twilight's eyes closed tight. It wasn't long after that she was finally asleep. She had succeeded another day of pushing past the thoughts in the back of her head by keeping productive and not thinking. What did she actually do that day? She didn't know. That's what the scroll was for. However, her scroll still had one last item unchecked. One item sitting at the bottom of the list. One item that she couldn't check off unless she fell asleep.

'Wake up tomorrow.'