During her tenure as the Terrible and Despotic Trixie, the showmare had certain needs. Needs a certain stallion helped her with. Getting in her good graces couldn’t hurt… and he got in real good. And it certainly didn’t hurt.
The Great and Powerful Trixie returns to Ponyville, nine months after the events of the Alicorn Amulet, but this time she’s not back for revenge. In fact, Twilight Sparkle barely even registers on her radar. Trixie’s actions while under the influence of the Alicorn Amulet have come back to bite her in the flank.
Sweet Apple Acres is going to be receiving a visitor, and maybe, a little something extra.
Takes place between seasons 4 and 5.
The original idea for this story was… conceived by the great and talented writer Crystal Moose. My Humble and Meager skills were used to finish this story past chapter 5, so please forgive me for mutilating Crystal Moose’s concise prose with my florid non-sense.
The azure mare trudged slowly through Ponyville, ignoring the hardened glares many of its citizens leveled her way. She held her head high, showing no fear or shame. Her much smaller cart trailed behind her, animated by a simple Come-to-Life spell.
“What are you doing back here?”
A rainbow-maned pegasus dropped from the skies and planted herself right in front of the unicorn.
“Excuse Trixie, but she has someplace to be,” Trixie said, trying to sidestep the mare.
“Nuh-uh!” Rainbow Dash responded, blocking Trixie’s way. “Whatever you have planned… not gonna happen on my watch.”
“Rainbow Dash!”
Trixie turned and smiled. While she didn’t particularly like the approaching mare, she was one of the kinder and more forgiving denizens of the town. Trixie had heard of the new Princess’s coronation, but had not seen Twilight since her previous—and highly embarrassing—visit to Ponyville.
Deposed despots rarely do visit their former domains.
“Twilight Spa…” Trixie stopped herself before cautiously kneeling, desperately trying to keep her cloak from touching the ground. “Trixie apologies for her impertinence… Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“Please, Trixie… there is no need for that.” Twilight blushed, still feeling a little at odds with the bowing and scraping that some ponies would do around her. She watched as Trixie struggled back to her hooves. “What brings you back here?”
Trixie groaned, wincing in pain.
“Oh no, Trixie, are you okay?” Twilight asked. It was a strange feeling… being concerned for somepony who had, no more than eight months earlier, kicked her out of her hometown and installed herself as a dictator. Who she then overthrew with the help of her friends.
Yes, strange was definitely an adequate descriptor for the situation.
“Trixie is fine, just… just a little out of breath.”
“So…” Twilight started nervously, “what brings you back to Ponyville?”
Trixie noticed the look both Twilight Sparkle and her friend shared.
“Trixie has… some unfinished business here in Ponyville.”
Twilight’s ears flattened against her head. “Oh… I was hoping we were… well, past that.”
Trixie looked the alicorn up and down, before realizing what Twilight had been thinking. “Oh, no, Twilight Sparkle. The Humble and Apologetic Trixie has not returned for you…” Trixie watched as Twilight sunk even lower. “… but— that does not mean that Trixie did not plan on stopping by to say hello to the Grand and Royal Twilight Sparkle.”
Both mares chuckled, while Rainbow Dash hovered.
“So, you aren’t here to cause any trouble?” the pegasus asked, yawning with boredom.
“No, Trixie is not here to cause trouble,” Trixie scoffed.
“Well, that’s boring,” Rainbow Dash said, before rocketing off into the sky.
Twilight shuffled nervously, before breaking the silence. “So... why are you back? Another magic show, perhaps?”
“No, the Great and Powerful Trixie is taking a… leave of absence… from the stage.” Trixie pawed the ground nervously. “Trixie is here, though, about her… last visit.”
Twilight had never seen the boisterous mare so quiet and subdued. “Would you like to talk about it… in private?” she asked. Trixie nodded, so Twilight led her silently towards the Ponyville Palace.
“That…” Twilight gasped. “That is a very big problem.”
Trixie harrumphed.
“Trixie knows she is not as… petite… as she was when she was here last, but she would prefer you not poke at it.”
“I’m sorry, Trixie… it’s just, so… unexpected!”
“That is precisely Trixie’s problem, Twilight Sparkle.” Trixie rubbed her sore and swollen fetlocks. “It is very unexpected… and Trixie is not sure what to do.”
“H-How did it happen?”
Trixie gave Twilight a deadpan stare, then started slowly. “When two ponies love each other—”
“‘Who?’ Trixie presumes you were asking.” She snickered as Twilight’s blush deepened. “Trixie is not entirely sure…”
“How—”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie desires companionship!” the petite mare yelled as she entered The Punch Bowl. “The Great and Powerful Trixie needs a Great and Powerful Companion that they might produce a Great and Powerful heir for her Great and Powerful Kingdom!”
“At first, nopony was interested in Trixie’s Great and Powerful Advances, but after some time a stallion entered the bar.” Trixie blushed at the memory. “Trixie recalls his rugged physique; the stallion was quite the specimen. Such broad shoulders, not like the other stallions in the bar.” Trixie swooned a little, closing her eyes and recalling his features. “He had the most amazing green eyes… not that Trixie spent a lot of time looking at them.” She winked at Twilight, who spattered her coffee across the table. “And his coat was the most brilliant shade of amaranth I’ve ever seen.”
Twilight nodded, waiting for Trixie to continue.
“Trixie enjoyed the libations at ‘The Punch Bowl,’ and they were affordably priced.”
Twilight’s brow fell. “And by ‘affordably priced,’ you mean ‘free,’ don’t you?”
Trixie had just enough shame to blush. “Yes, well, Trixie ruled Ponyville at that moment. So, the drinks were affordably priced, and Trixie enjoyed them. So Trixie allowed that stallion to drink with her.”
Twilight’s left brow rose. “Allowed?”
Trixie cleared her throat. “Well, Trixie gave him drinks for free.”
“And he could have said no?”
“He didn’t say no. Trixie doesn’t see why that matters,” she said, annoyance creeping into her tone.
Twilight sighed. “We’ll have to deal with that later. What happened then?”
“Trixie and this stallion drank, many, many, drinks. And then… ah… Trixie ‘allowed’ this stallion to escort her home. After that, Trixie’s memory gets a bit blurry.”
“Home? Where is home, exactly?” Twilight asked.
“His humble domicile, Trixie believes. Trixie remembers walking a significant distance, and then laying down in some surprisingly comfortable hay.” A devilish grin crept across Trixie’s face. “Then, Trixie recalls the stallion collapsing into the hay with her. One thing led to another, and…” Trixie smirked. “Let me tell you, Princess, while he was no unicorn— he sure knew how to work magic with his ‘horn’. Alas, Trixie did not think to get his name, nor did she stick around after our roll in the hay.”
The Very Flustered and Highly Embarrassed Twilight Sparkle shrieked. The Very Pleased and Not That Vindictive Trixie sat with a satisfied smirk on her face.
After cleaning up the spilled coffee—and finding her dignity again—Twilight coughed politely. “Well, Trixie. I think I know who your mystery stallion is.”
Applejack smiled as she plopped down ungracefully next to Apple Bloom at the dinner table.
“Ah’ve been waitin’ fer this all day!” Applejack sighed, allowing the delicious scents of dinner to fill her nostrils. “A hard day’s work, an’ a hearty meal with family. Ah can’t think o’ nuthin’ better!”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac answered.
“Soup’s on!” Granny Smith hollered.
“Soup's—” A knock at the door interrupted the three younger Apples.
“Who in tarnation would be visitin’ at this hour?” Applejack grumbled as she trudged to the door.
When she opened the door, she found Twilight Sparkle waiting, with another cloaked figure holding back in the dark.
“Applejack, is Big Mac around?” Twilight asked. “We need to talk.”
“What in tarnation is she doin’ here?” Applejack yelled.
“Applejack!” Twilight barked. “Don’t yell at Trixie! Please, we just came to talk. Will you let us in?”
Applejack stood firmly in the doorway, refusing to budge. “Twilight, ya must be nuttier than Pinkie Pie’s peanut brittle if’n ya think that one is welcome ‘round these here parts.”
“Please…” Trixie moaned. “Trixie’s swollen and aching hooves need a rest.”
“I did tell you I could organise transportation out here,” Twilight fussed, talking quietly to her companion.
“Trixie is not so useless that she cannot walk on her own hooves… well, yet.”
Twilight turned back to Applejack. “Please, Applejack. Let us in, we just need to talk.”
“Fine,” Applejack relented. “But if she causes any trouble, Ah’ll toss her out with mah own hooves!”
Big Mac gulped nervously as an all-too-familiar mare stepped through the door. The mare had certainly… put on some weight since he’d last seen her. Truth be told, though, last time he had seen her, it was pretty dark, and they were both pretty drunk.
He gulped again, much louder.
“Landsakes!” Applejack gasped, as Trixie stepped into the light. Twilight helped her remove her cloak, and levitated a cushion for Trixie to sit upon. “They been feedin’ ya good where’er ya been.”
Granny Smith stood, hobbling over to the azure unicorn, a keen eye examining every inch.
“Hmmm, it’s a biggun alright,” the elderly mare hummed. She turned around to find her grandson quietly attempting to slink out of the room. “Got somethin’ t’ say, Big Mac?”
Applejack looked down at the Large and Overfed Trixie, and felt a bead of sweat drip down her forehead. She looked back to her Nervous and Retreating brother.
“When?” Applejack asked her brother.
“When Trixie was… last in town,” Trixie answered.
Applejack turned towards Trixie, a burning anger in her gaze.
“Ya take over our town, force us all inta slavery…” she growled. “Ah could fergive all that, but ya force yerself on mah brother, an’ have th’ gall t’ come here aft—”
“She di’n force me,” Big Mac interrupted, before things got bloody.
Applejack snapped her head back towards her brother. “What did ya jus’ say?”
Big Mac gulped again, the sound echoing through the silent room.
“Ah… Ah said she di’n force me.”
“A-Ah can’t have heard right,” Applejack stammered, shaking her head. “‘Cause if what yer tellin’ me—”
“So, Trixie is very interested in this… apple farming,” Trixie slurred.
“Ain’t much t’ say about it.” Big Mac wore a goofy grin, swishing his cider about his mug. “Ah spend th’ day workin’ th’ farm, buckin’ trees and plowin’ th’ fields.”
“Trixie is sure you do,” she responded, running a hoof over the stallion’s rippling chest. “Tell the Great and Powerful Trixie— would like you to… plow her fields?”
The stallion smiled. “Eeyup.”
Granny Smith scowled at her grandson. “Ah thought Ah taught you better than that, Big McIntosh,” Granny Smith chided. “Ah thought Ah taught ya t’ save yerself fer somepony special. An’ ya jus’ went an’ gave away somethin’ special t’ the first pony that lifted her tai—”
“Trixie is right here!” Trixie grumbled. “Can Twilight still see Trixie? She is still here, right?”
“Ah didn’t mean nothin’ by it… but Ah bet Big Mac here wasn’t yer first—”
“Trixie is not here. Isn’t that right, Twilight Sparkle? Trixie is invisible and not here and can not be heard right now.”
Applejack groaned and rolled her eyes. Granny Smith was very old-fashioned, and was sorely mistaken if she thought Big Mac gave anything special to Trixie… drunken boasting from Rainbow Dash had made that evident.
“An’ what do yer parents have t’ say about this, missy?” Granny Smith asked, poking a hoof into Trixie’s swollen belly.
“Trixie… Trixie has no family to speak of,” she replied, looking down at her hooves.
“Oh, Trixie—” Twilight Sparkle pulled the seated mare into a wing hug.
“Trixie does not need your pity, Twilight Sparkle,” Trixie said, gently pushing the alicorn away. “A family would have just held Trixie back from her stage show.”
“Well, a life on th’ road ain’t no life for an Apple!” Granny Smith barked.
“No… no it isn’t.” Once again, Trixie stared pointedly at her own hooves. “While Trixie might be able to skip a few meals after a bad show—” She directed a look towards Applejack and Twilight, who had the sense to look a little guilty. “—it is no life for a foal.”
“Well, what’s done is done,” the elderly mare responded. “Now, Ah know Ah didn’t raise no ruffian. Big Mac, are ya gonna do right by this filly? We ain’t never had an Apple outta wedlock, an’ Ah don’t think we’re gonna start now!”
Big Mac gulped.
“Ya got yerself inta this mess,” Granny continued, “an’ that foal’s gonna be an Apple no matter what.”
Apple Bloom finally piped up. “What does plowin’ a field have t’ do with Trixie?”
“C’mon Apple Bloom, time for bed—let’s go,” Applejack said as she quickly ushered the filly out of the room.
Big Mac looked up at the harsh glare his Granny was giving him, before turning to Trixie.
“M-Miss Trixie,” Big Mac stammered, as he dropped to one knee. “Would ya do me th’ honor of bein’ mah wife?”
“Trixie… is amenable to the idea,” she answered, carefully inspecting her hoof. The very pinnacle of nonchalance. “Very well, Big Mac, I accept.”
“Ah’m gonna have a new sister!” Apple Bloom yelled from the door, darting under Applejack’s legs. “Ah’m gonna have a new sister!” she yelled as she bounced around the pregnant mare.
“Welcome to th’ family, Trixie,” Granny Smith said, smiling as she pulled the mare into a hug. “Have ya thought of any names fer the foal yet?”
For the first time in many years, the mood around the Apple family table was subdued.
Applejack looked up from her cold meal every so often to throw a glare, alternating between her promiscuous brother and his questionable fiancée.
Big Mac, for his part, sat rather quietly, possibly deep in thought… or just genuinely silent as he was so often wont to do.
Trixie sat nervously picking at the cold apple-and-carrot stew. She had tried to levitate the spoon to her mouth with her magic, but after a stern gaze from the ultra-traditionalist Granny Smith, decided to struggle through eating the traditional earth pony way.
Twilight—having no trouble eating earth pony style—graciously ate the offered meal.
“Ah don’t get it,” Apple Bloom said, breaking the silence.
“What don’tcha get, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“How is Miss Trixie havin’ a foal?”
Silence resumed.
“Ah mean, Granny Smith told us that ya can only have a foal if yer married.”
“Well, that’s not—” Twilight stopped herself when she noticed Granny Smith’s dark gaze.
“Well… uhhh…” Applejack fumbled for words.
“You wonder how Trixie is having a foal without being married, yes?” Trixie asked, watching Apple Bloom. When the filly nodded, Trixie continued. “Well, Trixie has not yet had her foal, has she?”
“No…” Apple Bloom answered, unsure.
“And Big Mac has proposed to Trixie, to which Trixie generously accepted.” Trixie paused, waiting for Apple Bloom to process what she was saying. “And Trixie presumes Trixie will be wed to your brother before Trixie’s foal is born—”
“Darn tootin’!” Granny Smith called, bringing her hoof down hard on the table, causing all the plates to jump.
“Then Trixie will be married when she has her foal. Yes?”
Apple Bloom nodded, then smiled. “Oh, Ah get it now! Thanks, Miss Trixie!”
“Trixie is always happy to share her knowledge,” Trixie replied, nodding her head towards the filly.
“Now, no more talk or questions about foals,” Granny Smith chided the filly. “Eat up, an’ then it’s bedtime.”
Applejack glowered at Trixie throughout the rest of the meal.
“Ah don’t appreciate ya lyin’ t’ mah little sister like that,” Applejack growled as soon as Apple Bloom left the room.
“Trixie did not lie,” Trixie retorted with a wave of her hoof. “Trixie only carefully engineered the accuracy of her answer… massaged the facts… teased the truth, a little…” Trixie shrugged. “Would you have preferred Trixie tell your sister how it really happened?”
“Uhhh,” Applejack stammered.
“And your Granny obviously has not told your sister the truth,” Trixie said, pointing an accusing hoof towards Granny Smith. “Why do you blame Trixie for only bending the truth?”
The clinking of glass snifters broke the uncomfortable silence. Big Mac placed them in the center of the table, along with a dusty, unlabelled bottle. He uncorked it, and poured a small amount in each glass.
“A foal is s’posed ta be a blessing,” Big Mac said as he slid a glass to each pony at the table. “So Ah propose a toast. T’ the newest Apple in the orchard… Oh… an’ t’ mah fiancée,” he added sheepishly.
Granny Smith graciously accepted hers, as did Twilight. Applejack stared at the offered glass, but took it with some hesitation. Trixie practically dove towards her drink.
“Wait! No!” Twilight shouted, levitating the glass away from Trixie.
“Why—” Trixie turned to Twilight. “—do you hate Trixie so much? What has Trixie ever done to deserve this?” Applejack let out a harsh bark. “Don’t answer that,” Trixie huffed.
“Trixie, it’s not anything you’ve done. Alcohol is dangerous for a foal at this stage. Fetal alcohol syndrome is a real danger. And there are plenty of other things you will have to avoid, as the dangers of listeria infection are more pronounced. Soft cheeses—”
“Not Trixie’s soft cheeses! Trixie needs her soft cheeses. Even when Trixie was at her lowest, Trixie still indulged in soft cheeses.”
“No soft-serve ice cream, in fact it’s probably better to avoid ice cream altogether.” Twilight continued to list off dangers to the foal. “Eggs are okay, so long as they’re well cooked. There are a lot of raw foods you should avoid, though considering you aren’t a griffon, a lot of those don’t apply to you—”
“Trixie has nothing left to live for!” Trixie bemoaned.
“To our foal,” Big Mac called out over Trixie’s wailing, and Twilight’s lecturing.
“To the foal,” Applejack and Granny Smith echoed as they raised their glasses.
“To the— Oh wait!” Twilight said. Her horn glowed, and Big Mac watched his precious calvados float away. “Most partners opt to forgo the same foods that their partners must abstain from, as a show of solidarity. A recent paper published out of Canterlot University showed an increase in the health and well-being of a relationship where the father shared the burden of childbearing with the mother where he can.”
“That so?” Applejack asked. “If’n that’s the case, pass ‘er here. Ain’t no need t’ let any of the calvados go t’ waste!”
The two now-free glasses levitated towards Applejack and Granny Smith. Both Granny Smith and Applejack poured the already generous amount of brandy into their own glasses. When Applejack made to top off Twilight’s glass, she refused at first, but relented as the smell of the brandy filled her nostrils.
“To the foal!” Twilight, Granny Smith and Applejack called, before lifting the amber liquid to their mouths.
“Oh, and to Big Mac and Trixie,” Twilight added as an afterthought.
“To Big Mac an’ Miss Trixie,” Granny Smith added. “May they plant many more in the Apple orchard!”
Applejack coughed as she drank. That was one thought she could have done without.
“Nnsnse,” Twilight slurred as she staggered towards the door. “I’m still good to fly… or teleport… Ooooh, I wonder if I could combine those two?”
“Yer stayin’ here an’ that’s final! Ya don’t wanna end up with another MUI, do ya?”
Princess Twilight regally stumbled and landed rump up. Regally.
“P’rhaps tha’s for th’ bess,” Twilight admitted as Applejack helped her to her hooves.
“Trixie still needs to get back to Trixie’s wagon,” Trixie added, pretty much ignored by the two other mares.
“Nnsnse!” Twilight called out. “Trixie will have to stay here, too.”
“Really, Twi?” Applejack gave Twilight a flat look. “Ya can’t jus’ go an’ invite Trixie inta mah home.”
“Act-ally, I cannn,” Twilight replied. “Royal pri-village. Technclly, I own all o’ th’ land ‘round Ponyvlle.”
“Wut?”
“Yep-p, as… as Ponyvlle ‘s th’ seat of my powar, I technclly own all th’ land ‘round in it.”
“Where is Trixie going to sleep?” Trixie asked, once again mostly ignored by the two mares.
“That’s a good question, Twi,” Applejack responded, directing another glare at Twilight. “We only have one guest bedroom.”
“We jus’— we jus’ hafta build… another farmhouse…” Twilight waved her hoof out towards the darkened night. “Out there. Then we’ll have enough rooms.”
“Build another… good gravy, Twi, ya really are a lightweight.”
“Ooo! We could have a sleepover!” Twilight clapped her hooves together, undeterred, before losing balance and falling over again. “Trixie… do you prefer same way or top-and-tail?”
“Trixie wonders… if there are any other options,” she said, casting a pleading glance towards Big Mac. Big Mac replied with a shrug.
“We ain’t be havin’ no more o’ that, missy,” Granny Smith growled. “Not ‘til yer married good ‘n’ proper.”
“It’s not like Trixie can get… double pregnant—” Trixie huffed. She paused, then turned to Twilight, who was still laid out on the floor. “—wait… can she?”
“Only erly on in th’ pregancy, if there’s ‘nother ovlation, there’s a teeny chance you’d have fratrnl twins. But by now, yer cycle woulda stopped an’ you’d have a mucus plug ‘n yer server-ix that stops any mor’ sper-mato-zoa from entring th’ utrus. S’ this far ‘long…?” Twilight called out from the floor. “Nnnope!”
“That… is far more than Trixie ever desired to know.”
“Ooooh, I have s’ many books in my new libary! Have you ever seen a placnta? I have… hic slides.” Twilight giggled as she got back up. “So icky and squishy and gross… nature’s so fascinatin’!”
“Double pregnant or not, we don’t encourage that kind of behavior in this household!”
“Come on, yer highness. Th’ two’a ya need yer rest.” Granny Smith ushered both Twilight and her granddaughter-in-law-to-be upstairs.
Applejack glowered at her brother when it was only the two of them left in the room.
“Yer gunna be th’ death of me, ya know?”
Trixie wondered how anypony in the house could sleep. Somepony had replaced the alicorn next to her with a fully matured, sleeping dragon. At least, that’s what she presumed had happened.
Any time Twilight would roll onto her back, she would splay out her wings, flicking Trixie in the face. Then the snoring would start. Oh goddess, the snoring!
Trixie would just about drift off to sleep, when her bed companion would roll over and start snoring again. Each time, a ‘gentle’ hoof to the princess’s ribs would cause the alicorn to roll over, and Trixie would be treated with blessed, blessed silence.
Then the alicorn would roll over again.
After three hours, Trixie gave up on sleeping next to Ponyville’s petite potentate. She rolled out of bed, silently cursing the pain in her hooves.
It was alright, she supposed, she had to get up and pee anyway. That was one part of pregnancy she did not enjoy…
…Not that there had been any parts of it she had enjoyed thus far.
After visiting the lavatory, Trixie could hear Twilight’s snores rumbling throughout the quiet house, and had no inclination to return. She checked the doors of each room, finally finding the stallion’s bedroom.
“Big Mac?” she whispered in the dark.
“Mmph?” the stallion grunted back.
“Trixie cannot sleep next to the princess, her snoring is too loud.”
“Tha’ whad id is?” Big Mac mumbled.
“Yes,” Trixie whispered as she approached his bed. “Can Trixie bunk with you, just for tonight?”
She was met with silence for some time, until Big Mac lifted his covers for her to get in.
“Trixie will leave before Granny Smith wakes, she promises!”
As Trixie crawled into the bed, the sleepy stallion pulled her instinctively to his chest. She felt warm, and safe… perhaps not everything about this pregnancy would be so terrible.
“‘M sorry… Ah didn’t think Granny’d get up b’fore us.”
Applejack continued to scowl across the breakfast table where Trixie and Big Mac sat.
“Jus’ be thankful it were Granny, an’ not Apple Bloom.” Applejack shook her head. “What would little Bloom think if she came in seein’ her brother doin’ that?!”
“Trixie does not understand what the problem is,” Trixie said, as she shovelled a forkful of waffle into her mouth. “Trixie and her fiancé were only spooning.”
“An’ Ah’m guessin’ jus’ a little spoonin’ was what made Granny run out screamin’?” Applejack asked.
Big Mac sank lower in his seat, his already red coat flushing even darker.
“That… that was just a-a misunderstanding!” Trixie stammered.
“Oh, so it were jus’ a misunderstanding when Granny came t’ wake ‘im up and found ‘im rubbin’ his mornin’— Apple Bloom!” Applejack shouted.
“Huh?” the sleepy filly asked, rubbing her eyes. “Why are ya shoutin’, sis? What’d Ah do wrong now?”
“N-Nothin’ wrong… Ah— Ah was— jus’ sayin’ good mornin’, Apple Bloom.” Applejack’s eyes darted left and right, desperately avoiding her sister’s gaze.
“Oh… okay. Well, g’mornin’,” the filly muttered, as she pulled herself up to the table. Apple Bloom pulled a stack of waffles towards her plate, piled on a healthy serving, then drowned it all in syrup and cream.
“Apple Bloom!” Applejack barked, as the filly lifted a fork-full of waffles to her mouth. “Y’all know we eat as a family… so ya kin wait fer Granny!”
“But Granny said she had t’ see t’ our steamed guest. An’ Miss Trixie didn’t wait!”
“Trixie is eating for two, and the foal needed… waffles.”
“An’ she ain’t family,” Applejack muttered. After a dark glare from her brother, she amended, “Yet. She ain’t family yet, so she can start early. But you, little Apple, ya kin wait—”
“Just five more minutes, Spike!”
Twilight’s voice rattled the entire house, having apparently engaged the Royal Canterlot Voice as a means of snoozing her draconic alarm clock. Moments later, a beleaguered-looking Granny Smith trotted down the stairs, her bonnet barely on anymore, and her mane looking distinctly windswept.
“Razzem-frazzem royalty,” Granny Smith muttered darkly as she entered the kitchen. Rounding the corner, she spied Trixie stuffing her muzzle with waffles while Apple Bloom, Big Mac, and Applejack waited patiently. “Is there a reason ya couldn’t wait fer the rest of us, Miss Trixie?”
“Applejack says it’s ‘cause she ain’t family!” Apple Bloom burst out. “An’ ‘cause she’s eating for two!”
“Well, Miss Trixie is gunna be an Apple—” Granny Smith leveled a glare towards Applejack. “—whether everypony in the family likes it or not.” Granny Smith smacked Trixie’s hoof, causing her to drop her fork. “An’ as an Apple, we wait an’ eat together.”
Granny Smith sat at the head of the table, and filled her own plate with waffles. Once everyone had filled their plates (or refilled, in Trixie’s case), Granny gave the nod for everyone to start.
“Wait, we ain’t gunna wait for Twi?” Applejack asked.
Trixie looked forlornly at her uneaten waffles (hiding the already partially eaten one beneath), and wondered how long it would take her royal snore-iness to get up.
“She ain’t family,” Granny Smith said with a huff, before digging in.
Trixie grinned as she lifted the syrupy waffle goodness to her mouth. “And Trixie is eating for two!”
“No, you must scrub them harder… like this!” Trixie’s horn glowed as the tea towels danced in the air around the dishes, supported in her telekinesis. “You must dry them with all your might, then they will sparkle… see?”
Trixie levitated a plate towards the filly, her horn glowing slightly brighter as she applied a minor glamour on the plate. The filly held the literally sparkling plate in her hooves, gasping in wonder.
“But…” Trixie leaned down and whispered conspiratorially into Apple Bloom’s ear, “…it takes lots of practice. Lots and lots of practice. In fact, Trixie is not sure she should share her practice with you. If she did not practice on all the dishes—”
“Ah’ll do ‘em!” Apple Bloom shouted. Trixie stepped back.
“Trixie is not sure. This is a very secret technique—” She put a little more magic into making the plate sparkle even brighter.
“Ah’ll do ‘em,” Apple Bloom cut her off. She looked around the corner of the door, seeing Granny Smith sitting at the kitchen table with her big brother and sister. She leaned back towards Trixie and whispered, “Uhh, Granny Smith is… perticular… ‘bout her dishes; ya gotta get ‘em jus’ right. Ah better do ‘em, so ya don’t get in trouble.” Apple Bloom smirked. “‘Cause Granny Smith doesn’t like her plates… too sparkly. Yeah… so Ah better do ‘em,” Apple Bloom pushed Trixie towards the door. “Ya better go out an’, uhh, do… wedding… things.”
“Are you suuure, Apple Bloom?” Trixie asked.
“Ah’m sure! Ya jus’ get back out there, an Ah’ll get th’ dishes.”
Trixie ‘reluctantly’ exited the kitchen, allowing a smirk to flash on her face as she crossed the threshold. She could overhear the filly muttering in the kitchen as she left.
“Ah’ll make these dishes sparkle so much Ah’m sure t’ get mah cutie mark!”
Dishes done!
“Done already?” Granny Smith asked as Trixie returned.
“Trixie wanted to help, but Apple Bloom wanted to do them all by herself.”
“Really?” Applejack asked, a questioning eyebrow raised. “Th’ filly who was complainin’ as she walked inta th’ kitchen said she’d do ‘em herself?”
Trixie nodded. “Yes, she was adamant that Trixie should not help.”
“Really?” Applejack deadpanned. “Well… we’ll jus’ see about that!”
Applejack pushed herself away from the table and stood. Trotting to the kitchen door, she found Apple Bloom vigorously washing and drying each plate. Some plates even failed some kind of inspection, and were placed back into the sink and re-washed.
“Ya need Miss Trixie t’ come back in there an’ give ya a hoof?” Applejack asked.
“No! Ah can do ‘em mahself!” Apple Bloom replied.
“Ya sure?”
“Ah’m sure!” Apple Bloom yelled back. “Awww, ya broke mah concentration! Now Ah have t’ start this one again!”
Applejack left the kitchen bewildered, as Apple Bloom dropped the plate back into the sink and began washing again.
“Oh, good morning, Applejack.” Twilight was finally awake, sitting opposite Big Mac and Trixie, next to a disgruntled-looking Granny Smith. “Thank you for saving me some breakfast, but you should know it’s okay to wake me up—” Granny Smith glowered at the comment, but it went unnoticed by the princess. “—Just because I’m a princess, doesn’t mean I can’t get up at the same time as everypony else!”
Big Mac and Trixie chuckled, while Applejack looked nervously towards Granny Smith.
“Don’t ya worry none, sugarcube,” Applejack coughed. “Jus’ tryin’ t’ be hospitable like.”
“Oh, hospital! That reminds me… Trixie, do you have your pregnancy health record in your cart? We should take it to the hospital today, see if we can get you a local OBGYN. It would make sense, if you’re going to be staying in Ponyville.”
“Pregnancy record?” Trixie asked.
“You know, the little white booklet… the one your doctor gave to you when you first saw them in—” Twilight paused. “Actually, where did you see your first OBGYN?”
“Trixie has not seen a doctor yet, she has been too busy with her show.”
“You haven’t seen a doctor yet?” Twilight asked, gasping.
“No, I’ve been—”
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You haven’t seen a doctor? But there are so many tests!” Twilight started panicking. A burst of magic and the princess teleported to the opposite side of the table, next to Trixie. “You’re late for so many tests! Have you emptied your bladder this morning? How much did you eat? We’ll have to get going right away!”
Another burst of magic, and the panicked alicorn was gone.
Everypony looked to each other in silent shock.
Another burst of magic, and Twilight returned. She wrapped her hooves around Trixie’s neck, pulling the struggling mare close.
“I forgot the pregnant mare!” Twilight yelled. “How did I forget the pregnant mare? We’ll be back later, I promise!”
Another burst of magic, and both unicorn and alicorn were gone.
“Applejack,” Big Mac said, breaking the silence. “Yer friends with some crazy mares.”
“Eeyup,” was all the stunned Applejack could respond with.
Trixie sat nervously in the hospital’s waiting room, fidgeting with her hooves.
“What is Trixie to… to expect here, Twilight Sparkle?”
“Oh, nothing too scary,” the princess responded, as she flipped through an old periodical.
“Nothing too scary?”
“No, just a few shots, and they’ll have to draw some blood, maybe do a swab—”
“Shots? As in needles?” Trixie paled. “No no no, Trixie does not do needles!” Trixie pulled her hat off her head and rummaged around in it. After a moment, she frowned.
“Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yes, Trixie?”
“Where are Trixie’s smoke-bombs?”
“I left them back at the farmhouse.” Twilight smiled at Trixie’s frown. “You are known for pulling a disappearing act. Couldn’t let you run out on this much-needed appointment.”
Trixie leaned back, crossing her forearms over her barrel.
“Trixie Lulamoon?” Nurse Redheart called.
Trixie slunk lower in her chair.
“Come on, Trixie,” Twilight admonished her. “I’ll come with you if you want.”
Trixie trundled across the waiting-room. “Trixie does not need to be treated like a foal, Twilight Sparkle.” Despite her protest, she moved so slowly that Twilight caught up to her without any trouble.
The nurse led the two into a small room, and had Trixie sit on a bed. Twilight sat on a nearby chair.
“Now, we’ll need to take a few blood samples before you see the doctor,” Redheart said, as she looked at Trixie’s chart. She clucked her tongue and scowled. “Many of these tests are long overdue.”
“Trixie has been too bus—”
“Too busy to look out for the health of her foal?” Redheart said, cutting her off. She turned to Twilight. “I would have expected it from this one—” She glared at the magician. “—but not from you! You should have had her in here as soon as your marefriend was pregnant!”
Trixie coughed and spluttered, while Twilight’s cheeks burned red. “Uhh, Trixie is not my marefriend, Redheart,” Twilight said, her eyes focusing on some unseen spot on the floor. “I am here as Trixie’s support friend, nothing more.”
“You’re Trixie’s friend?” Trixie asked.
“Well, I thought so,” Twilight answered. “Am I wrong? Maybe supporter-slash-former-rival?”
“Trixie would be happy for Twilight Sparkle to be Trixie’s support friend,” Trixie said in an almost-whisper, as she trailed her hoof across the sheet of the bed.
“Oh?” Redheart looked between the two, a blush forming across her face. “My mistake then… I apologize.” She cleared her throat. “Now, as I was saying, there are a few tests. We will have to draw some blood—” Trixie grasped Twilight’s hoof. “—and send that up to the lab. We’ll also check your blood pressure, and see if we can find your foal’s heartbeat. But first…”
Nurse Redheart passed Trixie a small red cup.
“Trixie is not thirsty, thank you.”
“Trixie, that’s not… you don’t want to drink from that cup,” Twilight explained, blushing. “You, uhh, need to… fill it.”
“Fill it?” Trixie asked.
“Remember how I asked you if you’d emptied your bladder this morning?”
“Trixie recalls your over-familiar question.”
“That,” Twilight said, pointing to the red cup in Trixie’s hooves, “is why I asked you. You’ll need to fill it.”
Trixie looked down at the cup in her hooves. “That is disgusting!”
“You don’t visit the doctor’s office often, do you?” Nurse Redheart asked. “Third door, on your left, and be thankful you’re a unicorn!”
Twilight sat silently in the nurse’s office as Trixie left the room. Nurse Redheart was decidedly not looking at Twilight. Twilight, for her part, was desperately wishing she had brought that antique periodical from the waiting room in with her.
Trixie returned and passed the cup to Redheart.
“How did you manage to get it all over the cup?” Redheart sneered. “I’ve seen earth ponies with better aim.”
“Trixie is sorry,” Trixie replied, in anything but a sorrowful tone, “but Trixie has a little something in her way, so she could not see.” Trixie pointed a hoof towards her swollen belly.
“That’s what the floor-length mirror is for!” Redheart bellowed.
“Was that what that was for?” Trixie asked. “Trixie just assumed you were into urolagnia.”
Twilight started choking as Redheart glowered at Trixie. “I have no idea what that means,” Redheart snarled, “but I am betting it’s an insult. We’re done here! Go back to the waiting room; the doctor will call you from there.”
Trixie stood, and trotted out the office, wearing the smug grin of somepony who had bested her rival. Sure, Redheart was no Twilight Sparkle, but it felt satisfying nonetheless.
Trixie was certain the nurse was getting her revenge by making them wait. Trixie and Twilight were the only ponies in the waiting room, yet the doctor had not called her in.
She was thankful when Twilight offered to go and buy some sandwiches from the cafeteria. They had been waiting there for about three hours when Trixie’s great and powerful metabolism burned through the Apples’ delicious waffles and her stomach growled in protest.
Wait, no, Trixie’s stomach did not protest. It was the foal! The foal must have made those loud grumbling sounds.
Twilight returned with three pre-made daffodil sandwiches.
“Sorry, Trixie,” Twilight said, as she levitated two of the sandwich packs to Trixie. “The cafeteria was closed… I could only find a vending machine.”
“Trixie is grateful for her friend’s generosity,” Trixie replied in a haughty tone.
The unicorn and the alicorn unwrapped their sandwiches and ate in silence. Only the ticking clock made any sound while they waited. Trixie levitated the three empty containers towards the bin.
“Why does everypony think I’m… you know…” Twilight whispered to Trixie.
Trixie turned to the blushing alicorn.
“I know what?”
“You know…”
Oh, Trixie most certainly knew, but she wasn’t going to let Twilight Sparkle know that. Teasing was something friends did, right?
Trixie put on her best stage-frown. “I don’t, Twilight Sparkle. What are you talking about?”
“Well, there’s a rumor… that I’m, uhhh, well, I’m a… l-l-l-l-l-l—”
“Twilight Sparkle! Trixie did not know you were a lesbian.” Trixie put on her best stage-gasp. “Trixie hopes she did not offend when she reacted poorly to being called your marefriend.”
“I’m no—”
“Oh, how terrible of Trixie,” Trixie swooned. “Trixie begs your forgiveness. Trixie could not bear to lose her one and only friend! Even if her only friend wants to eye-bang her.”
Twilight blushed as Trixie laughed. “That was mean!” Twilight grumbled. “Wait… only friend?”
This time Trixie blushed. “Trixie did not mean that! She was merely saying it as… as a performance piece. In fact, Trixie has a great many number of friends, who love and adore Trixie for the great and powerful unicorn she is.”
Twilight smiled… she wasn’t going to call Trixie out on her lie. “Well, as one of your many friends—”
“Yes, many, many friends,” Trixie interrupted.
“Yes, well— as one of your many, many, many friends… I’ll forgive you for a little teasing,” Twilight said, as she booped Trixie on the nose.
Trixie scoffed. “That, Twilight Sparkle, is why ponies think you are a lesbian.”
“W-What?” Twilight squeaked, retracting her hoof.
“That. The little nose boop,” Trixie explained. “If you saw two ponies out on the street doing that, what would you think?”
“Uhh, that they were… good friends!,” Twilight replied hastily. “Good friends.”
“And how many of your friends have you seen booping each other?”
Twilight thought back. She was certain she’d seen Rarity and Flutter— wait, no she hadn’t. Maybe Applejack and Rain… No, she could not imagine Rainbow Dash or Applejack doing anything as cutesy as booping.
Pinkie Pie! She’d seen Pinkie Pie do it on multiple occasions.
Twilight sat upright, opening her mouth to prove Trixie wrong, when a thought came to mind.
I’m going to use Pinkie Pie as an example of normal behavior!
Twilight’s shoulders slumped. “None,” she said, dejectedly.
She thought back to the laughter from her friends when she’d booped their noses in conversation. Thinking back, it certainly seemed more awkward now that Trixie pointed out how her actions might be perceived.
“It’s not just that,” Trixie continued, “but you do have a few tells that Trixie would assume—”
“I do not have tells!” Twilight replied indignantly.
“The adoring eyes you give Princess Celestia…”
“That’s admiration!” Twilight protested. “I’ve looked up to her since I was a filly! Plus, she’s in love with King Sombr—”
“Not to mention the glances towards Luna during every public appearance—”
“There are no glances!” Twilight squealed. “And Luna is interested in— wait, never mind.”
“And the less-than-subtle smiles and waves at Princess Cadance… Twilight Sparkle, you are not as good at bluffing as you think you are. Most in Equestria know—”
“Cadance is married to my brother!” Twilight bellowed. “So she’s like… my sister… do you know how gross that is?”
Trixie shook her head, a smirk on her face. “Twilight, those are all reasons the Princesses would not be interested in yo—”
“I have a boyfriend!” Twilight yelped. “Flash Sentry! Boyfriend! Can’t be gay!”
“Really?” Trixie asked, the shock evident on her face. “You’re dating somepony? Trixie had not heard…”
“It’s… it’s more of a long distance relationship. And not somepony, some—uhhh—human. Or body. I don’t know, it’s kind of weird over there.”
“Over there?” Trixie asked.
“Yeah, he’s… he’s from another world.”
Trixie watched Twilight’s face for any indication of duplicity.
“Trixie is very impressed, Twilight Sparkle,” she admitted. “Not even Trixie could tell such a bold-faced li— story, and keep such a straight face.”
“It’s true! I promise!” Twilight said. “He’s from another world where there are these creatures called humans and I met him when Princess Celestia’s former student came and stole my crown to take over Equestria with a teenage zombie ar—” Twilight paused. “Okay, I admit it… even I know it sounds crazy when I say it out loud.” Twilight slumped in her chair. “But I do have a boyfriend… kind of. And it is true.”
Trixie raised a single eyebrow. “And the staring at the Princesses?”
“For over a thousand years— Alicorns have been the… the standard of beauty,” Twilight replied. “I can appreciate them, purely from an aesthetic point of view, and not want to—”
“Eye-bang them,” Trixie finished for Twilight.
“Yes… that,” Twilight whispered.
“Well,” Trixie said, turning her face away from Twilight as to hide her smirk, “Trixie will not judge you if you wish to appreciate the Princesses’ brains out.”
“That doesn’t even—”
A gasp interrupted Twilight.
“Oh my gosh!” a little unicorn filly squealed as she dashed across the foyer. “Is this your special somepony, Princess Twilight?”
Trixie and Twilight appeared on the Apple Family doorstep in a purple flash of light. “I’m glad the tests came back negative.”
Trixie snapped her head to Twilight. “Negative? The foal failed the tests? It’s not even born yet, how can—”
“Relax, Trixie. The foal is fine. Negative means the tests didn’t find anything. Positive is bad, negative is good. You wouldn’t want the tests to find you positive for Rubella or Syphilis.” Twilight pushed the front door open without knocking. Trixie waddled in behind Twilight, closing the door behind her.
“Oh no, Trixie is negative she doesn’t have Syphilis. No wait! Trixie is positive she’s got Syphilis! No-no-no, that can’t be right. Why do these medical tests have to be so backwards?”
Twilight and Trixie stopped in the Apples’ living room. Granny Smith was knitting in her rocking chair, with Apple Bloom and Big Mac nearby. “What in tarnation?! Ya got th’ pox?!”
“Trixie is absolutely negative she doesn’t not have no silly pox!” Trixie shot back. She leaned closer to Twilight and whispered in her ear, “That mean’s Trixie is clean, yes?”
Big Mac shook like a leaf and looked at his own flank. “What’s th’ pox?” Apple Bloom asked.
Twilight nodded and said aloud, “Yes, Trixie. You’re clean. I’m positive.”
Trixie’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. “You’re… positive?”
There was a knock at the front door. Granny Smith glared at Trixie while she said, “Big Mac, git the door. Apple Bloom, fetch some sweet tea from th’ kitchen; we got visitors.” Looking at Trixie and Twilight, she mumbled under her breath, “Too many, Ah reckon.”
Trixie smiled and said, “I’m an Apple now, I shall receive our guests.” She turned and opened the door.
“…And she’s got a nice family. I’m sure they’ll—” Sweetie Belle stood on the welcome mat with her parents behind her. Hondo held a broken wagon wheel on his back. Their eyes grew wide as they stared at Trixie standing in the doorway. “AHHH it’s—”
“Trixie Lulamoon, at your service,” Trixie said pleasantly. “Shortly to be Trixie Lulamoon Apple. Would you like to enter our humble domicile?”
”Hi Sweetie Belle!” Apple Bloom called from behind Big Mac. “Trixie’s got poxie!”
“Ah said git, you!” Granny Smith said to Apple Bloom, pointing to the kitchen. She turned to the visitors and called out, “Well don’t jus’ stand there, c’mon in.”
“Thank you. I’m Cookie Crumbles, and this is my husband, Hondo Flanks. We been havin’ a liddle trouble here. I told Hondo not to gallop too fast, but he’s just a hunk ya can’t keep down!” Cookie winked at Hondo while she gestured to the broken wagon wheel on his back.
Hondo smirked behind his moustache. “You seem like a nice, well-spoken mare. Think you can help me fix this?”
Granny Smith scowled when she realized Hondo spoke to Trixie instead of… anypony else. Twilight poked her head around Trixie and Big Mac. “I’m sorry, Trixie can’t be doing manual labor. While I’m sure she’s more than capable and experienced with fixing wagon wheels, she’s pregnant. Therefore, I cannot in good conscience allow—”
Cookie let out a squeal that belonged to a high school filly. “Oh darlin’, you’re pregnant! You know all about keepin’ a nice flat surface for the foal to sleep on, and how ta calm a colicky foal, and the latest teatfeeding techniques, yeah? If you don’t teatfeed for at least a year, your foal will just die!” Cookie put a foreleg around Trixie’s neck and held her close, like an old friend.
“Trixie thought she’d just feed the foal some formula. Trixie has important things to—”
”FORMULA?! Do you know what that could do to your foal? She could get fat, get a learnin’ disabiliddy, and get allergic to good food after she gets big!”
“Oh, Trixie didn’t know—”
“And her poop’ll stink! You don’t want stinky poop, do ya? Why not have nice-smelling diapers?”
The thought of dirty diapers made Trixie scowl. “Trixie cannot imagine a dirty diaper will ever be considered nice.”
“But most importantly, your foal could die! Oh, just the thought of SIDS makes me want to cry.” Cookie led Trixie to the couch and they sat down, Cookie still holding Trixie with one foreleg.
Twilight quietly sat on Trixie’s other side, while Hondo stood behind Cookie. Big Mac stood behind Trixie, silent, as usual. Apple Bloom trotted into the living room, carrying a pitcher of iced sweet tea on her back. “Does anypony want some homemade sweet tea ta wet yer whistle?” she asked.
“I do,” said everypony, because southern homemade sweet tea might as well be made of hoof jobs and fairies and nopony in the room was completely insane. Granny Smith nodded and cracked a smile for the first time this evening as she watched her guests receive drinks like civilized ponies.
Sweetie Belle was the last pony to get her glass filled. Before she received any ambrosia/sweet tea, Cookie snatched her up in her magic and placed her in Trixie’s lap. “Now Sweetie Belle, I need you to act like a nice foal fer Trixie, all right?”
Trixie and Sweetie Belle looked at each other, fear in their eyes, although for different reasons. “Please don’t make me pull a carriage without wheels. I’m only a little filly!” Sweetie Belle whispered, tears in her eyes.
“Th-This isn’t necessary! Trixie doesn’t need to learn to teatfeed.”
Twilight looked on with interest, her eyes wide. Hondo sighed and nudged Big Mac in the ribs. “Quite a sight, eh? Plus, you don’t have worry ‘bout feedin’ the little one this way.”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac replied.
Cookie scoffed. “Nonsense, how will you teatfeed properly if you don’t learn? We need to start you on some multivitamins so you’ll lactate like a true dam once the foal is born.”
Trixie and Big Mac blushed. “Th-The Great and Powerful Trixie already knows how to teatfeed.”
“Oh, do ya? That’s wonderful! How many foals do you have?”
“Trixie has…” The Nervous and Shifty Trixie glanced at Granny Smith, who raised an eyebrow. “…never had a foal before.” It felt weird telling the truth when lying would get you something for free.
“Then you don’t really know how to teatfeed, trust me. Now, just hold up the foal’s head with one hoof and hold her with the other. It helps if you put a blanket or towel under the foal to prevent any spills. Then, gently push her head to your teat, and let nature do the rest,” Cookie said with a breathy sigh.
Sweetie Belle quivered as Trixie obeyed. “Huh? I can hear something in there,” Sweetie Belle said after a moment. She pressed her ear to Trixie’s ample belly. “It sounds like— gyah!” Sweetie Belle’s head violently tilted sideways, away from Trixie.
“No-no-no, keep the foal’s mouth on your teat. Foals need all the help they can get,” Cookie supplied. “Be a good little filly, Sweetie.”
“Oh…” Trixie said with a grimace.
“I’m not a foal! And I don’t wanna get kicked in the head again,” Sweetie Belle whined.
Trixie wilted under Cookie’s gaze, and gingerly pushed Sweetie Belle’s head to her stomach again. “Oh, this isn’t so bad.”
Cookie smiled and nodded. “Now just a little practice. Sweetie Belle, if you please.”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes went wide. “Wh-What? I’m not— ahhhh!” Her head violently tilted away from Trixie’s belly again.
Cookie cooed, “Oh, isn’t that wonderful? Your foal is kicking. Have you started a kick count?”
“A what?” Trixie asked.
“I’m already on it; six in the last half-hour,” Twilight supplied.
“Perhaps we can practice teatfeeding with a doll. Something that won’t mind getting kicked in the head,” Cookie suggested.
Sweetie Belle rubbed her head. “Yeah, leave me out of it.”
“Awww, it’s just a little foal. It’s not gonna hurt you, Sweetie,” Hondo said with a chuckle.
“It already did…” Sweetie Belle mumbled, as she gratefully jumped down from Trixie’s lap.
“Where’s Apple Bloom?” Big Mac asked.
Apple Bloom bounded down the stairs with a ragged pony doll in her mouth. She placed it on Trixie’s lap. “Here ya go, Smartypants’ll help ya.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Where did you get that?”
“Big Mac’s room,” Apple Bloom replied. Big Mac blushed.
“Now just hold her head near your teat and keep her head supported. Good… good… You’ll feel like a real mare when this happens. Why don’t you give her a massage, to simulate the experience?” Cookie asked Big Mac.
“Razzam-frazzam modern nonsense,” Granny Smith mumbled, glaring as Big Mac put his hooves on Trixie’s shoulders and did as ordered.
“Teatfeeding will create a better generation of ponies in the future,” Cookie said with a nod.
Twilight smiled. “I didn’t know it was that important.”
“The benefits are numerous. It starts on day one. Teatfeeding will help the foal pass the meconium,” Cookie expounded.
Trixie tilted her head at Cookie. “Meconium? Hmm… Trixie doesn’t know what that is, but it sounds like a nice word. Maybe I should name the foal Meconium?”
Twilight made a sound as if she’d swallowed her own tongue. Coughing and shaking her head vigorously she cleared her throat. “Uh… please don’t give the foal that name…”
“Don’t be silly, it’s perfectly natural,” Cookie said, as Twilight rolled her eyes. “Teatfeeding will make your foal sleep better, too.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Really? I read that a fuller stomach from formula will—”
“When can the Great and Powerful Trixie use formula, so that Trixie can get her beauty sleep?”
Cookie looked as if she’d been slapped. “You can’t use formula! Teatfeeding will lead to an Equestria of peace! It’ll prevent all wars!”
“What?” Trixie said, tilting her head at Cookie.
Even Twilight coughed at that. “Um… I don’t think teatfeeing can prevent war. You might be overselling the benefits of—”
“That’s what the top doctors said! You wouldn’t argue with the top medical minds of the day, would ya?!” Cookie almost shouted. She frothed at the mouth, her bloodshot eyes staring at Trixie. “You hafta teatfeed! You have to! And ya can’t stop ‘til the foal weans herself! Sweetie Belle, you sure you’re finished teatfeedin’? Mommy is here for ya!”
Sweetie Belle spat out her drink into Apple Bloom’s face. “I’m not teatfeeding again! That’s for foals! Besides, you said I could decide when to stop, and I did! Six months ago!”
Apple Bloom looked at Sweetie Belle, her mane dripping. “Ain’t you eleven years old?”
Sweetie Belle blushed furiously and replied, “Yeah…”
“Obesity! Stupidity! Allergies! Death! War!” Cookie screamed at Trixie. “The four horses of the apocalypse!”
Twilight pursed her lips and counted silently. “I don’t think those are the five horses to bring about the end times.”
Applejack opened the front door. “Ah got th’ wagon outside fixed. Yer welcome. What’s this ‘bout the final reckonin’?” she asked nervously.
Hondo massaged Cookie’s shoulders, which did nothing to stop her frothing. “C’mon honey, it’s time we moved along. Rarity’s expecting Sweetie Belle before dinner, and we don’t want to be late.”
“Yeah, can we go, please?” Sweetie Belle asked.
Hondo led Cookie and Sweetie Belle out. Cookie barked single words at Trixie, including “teatfeeding,” “peace,” and “obligation.”
Once the front door closed on them, Trixie sighed into Big Mac’s hooves and said, “That does it. Trixie is convinced. We’re using formula, I don’t want the foal to grow up insane.”
Twilight laughed nervously. “I don’t think teatfeeding will make the foal insane, and it’s true that teatfeeding is natural and healthier for the foal.”
Trixie eyed Twilight. “And what experience do you have with it?”
Twilight blushed. “Uh… well…”
“Should Ah be teatfeedin’, Applejack?” Apple Bloom asked.
“What in tarnation did y’all talk about?!” Applejack replied, her hat jumping off her head.
Chapter 7 - Champagne, Bow Ties, and the Bride's Last Hurrah
After one week of living with the Apples, the Great and Powerful Trixie settled into a routine…
“The foal wants fried pickles with these waffles! And get us some sweet tea to wash it down! Hurry, Trixie and her foal have a powerful appetite!”
…A routine that included borderline torture for Applejack and Big Mac.
The knife held in Trixie’s aura flew across the room and stuck blade-first into the wall a mere hair above Applejack’s hat.
With a yelp, Applejack scampered out of the room, holding her hat to her head. “More like ya got some powerful crazy in yer belly,” she mumbled darkly.
“He-he-he! Trixie still has the showmare’s touch,” she giggled to herself. She smiled at the awestruck Apple Bloom and sat next to her at the kitchen table.
“Hurry up, big brother! We gotta feed the foal!” Apple Bloom said. “A’fore it kills us all,” she added under her breath. Big Mac worked at the stove, making waffles, covered in sweat. “We want food! We want food!” Apple Bloom chanted, pounding a knife and fork on the table with each word.
Big Mac glowered at his sister over his shoulder, but remained silent. With a calming hoof on Apple Bloom’s shoulder, Trixie cleared her throat. “We do not pound on the table with flatware.” She lowered her voice and whispered into the filly’s ear, “You’ll get what you want easier if you don’t.”
Trixie saw the light bulb appear over Apple Bloom’s head as she stopped her irritating chant. “Okay,” the filly chirped with a toothy grin.
Trixie allowed her eyes to wander toward Big Mac’s sweaty flank. She licked her lip and mumbled, “Momma likes what she sees.”
“What’cha lookin’ at?” Granny Smith croaked as she hobbled into the kitchen.
Trixie jerked as if stung. “N-Nothing!” she said, sitting up straight and looking forward.
“Breakfast ready yet, Apple… Big Mac?” Granny Smith said, as she sat at the head of the table. “Mighty fine of ya ta cook breakfast like this. Where’s Applejack?”
“She’s off gettin’ some pickles ta fry up!” Apple Bloom replied. “On account of th’ foal wantin’ fried pickles.”
Granny Smith raised an eyebrow at Trixie. “Does she now?”
Trixie smiled like a cat that had eaten a canary. “Trixie is eating for two!”
“Ah know, ya keep remindin’ us,” Granny Smith mumbled. She cleared her throat and said, “Now, Ah don’t mean ta be pushy…” Trixie scoffed, and even Big Mac stopped making waffles for a second to glance at Granny Smith. “...but Ah don’t want no Apples ta be speakin’ funny. Y’all need ta say ‘eye,’ ‘nstead o’ gabbin’ ‘bout yerself like yer another pony.”
“Trixie doesn’t know what you’re talking about. You’re the one speaking with a foreign accent.”
Granny Smith pounded a hoof on the table, making the plates hop. “Ah do not yap with no funny, foreign accent! Land sakes, girl, this here family’s been in this town fer over a-hun-erd years. If’n ponies don’t talk like us, why, they’re the foreigners!”
“Trixie speaks just fine.”
“There! Right there! Ya done it again! Say ‘eye’! Ah speak jus’ fine! Ah say ‘eye,’ not ‘Granny Smith’ when Ah’m talkin’!”
Apple Bloom’s eyes bounced between the two ponies as if she followed a tennis ball during a rally. Big Mac interrupted them by slapping a half-dozen waffles on a large plate down in the middle of the table. “Soup’s on,” he announced.
“‘Tain’t soup yet,” Apple Bloom said with a giggle. She swiped the small, porcelain pitcher of syrup and made herself something that only resembled soup.
The front door opened and Twilight entered, followed by a disgruntled Applejack. “Trixie hopes you have pickles!”
Applejack sighed, unslung her saddlebag on the kitchen counter, and answered, “We got pickles an’ paper. Here ya go, Big Mac, see if ya kin fry em’ up a’fore she changes her mind this time.”
Twilight bounced on her hooves around the table, making Trixie forget about fried pickles for a moment to concentrate on the excitable princess. “Trixie wishes to know what’s gotten into you.”
“I’ve never had a chance to run a Bachelorette Party before, but I’ve read all about it and I’m dying to try my hoof at it,” Twilight replied.
Trixie raised an eyebrow at Twilight. “What makes you think you’ll be Trixie’s mare of honor?”
Twilight froze like a deer caught in headlights. “W-Well… I thought… I’m sorry, you’re right.” Twilight looked forlorn at the thick bridal magazine peeking out of her saddle bag. “B-But… couldn’t I be your mare of honor? I know you have other friends—”
“Many… many friends,” Trixie said sharply.
“—Yes, many friends,” Twilight said with a roll of her eyes. “But are they nearby? Will they be able to make it here in time for the wedding? Can they plan you a party in one week?!” Her voice rose with each question.
Trixie rubbed her left foreleg with her right hoof. “Trixie supposes not. Why must we have the party in one week?”
“Well, I thought about planning it just before the wedding, but I don’t know when that is. Not to mention we’re in a bit of a time crunch; planning a wedding takes some time. Have you picked a date yet?”
Big Mac stopped with a half-fried pickle sizzling in the pot and looked over his shoulder. Trixie blushed and said, “No, Trixie hasn’t really thought about it.” Granny Smith scoffed.
Twilight’s pupils grew large as she leaned closer to Trixie. “Does that mean I can plan your party for next week?” She asked breathlessly. Trixie nodded. Twilight squealed like a school filly and bounced around the table chanting, “Yes-yes-yes!”
Squeak!
Rarity opened her mailbox and withdrew her mail. “Bill… bill… advert… advert…” she said, tossing each bit of paper into the nearby garbage bin. “What’s this? An invitation?”
On the other side of town in a fluffy house.
“Sweet, an invite from…” Rainbow Dash frowned. “This isn’t from Pinkie Pie. Since when does Egghead plan parties? Pinkie Pie is going to at least want some theme decorations, like—”
On the second floor of Sugarcube Corner, in a room no sane pony dared to tread.
“GIANT-WOBBLY-STALLION-P—”
“Pinkie!” Mrs. Cake said, knocking the door open as she stepped into Pinkie’s bedroom. Glancing nervously at the party cannon, rubber chicken, and ‘that-thing-in-the-corner-of-the-room-with-unspeakable-uses,’ she asked, “Can you go to the market today and pick up some extra flour? We just received an order to bake a wedding cake. Apparently—”
“TRIXIE HAS A BUN IN THE OVEN!”
Mrs. Cake blinked at Pinkie, who splayed on her bed with a letter in front of her face. “Trixie can bake all she wants, but I don’t see why baking bread is so special.”
“A BUN IN THE OVEN! AN APPLE BUN!” Pinkie shouted. She stood on her hind legs with her forelimbs stretched wide, waving the letter at Mrs. Cake like a flag of surrender.
Mrs. Cake sighed. “I’m sure you’ll come up with something even more creative. Not every new culinary delight has to be invented by you, dear.” Mrs. Cake smiled and said, “I wouldn’t mind getting a little apple bun myself. Do you think you can get a sample for me?”
Pinkie Pie stared in horror at Mrs. Cake, then her eyes rolled up into her head as she toppled over and fainted onto her bed.
“Pinkie!” Mrs. Cake cried. She darted to the side of the bed and shook Pinkie. “Are you alright?”
Pinkie snapped upright, and slowly looked to the corner of the room. “No. I’m not okay, because it’s time…” she said gravely.
“No… NO! Anything but that! Not ‘that-thing-of-unspeakable-uses’!”
Pinkie sadly shook her head. “Twilight planned a party without me. This can’t go unanswered. There’s no other option.” Mrs. Cake backed out the room, quivering. She saw Pinkie switch the device on. She closed the door and never spoke of what she saw.
The Unimpressible and Unflappable Trixie sat in the middle of Twilight’s foyer, definitely not gawking at the crystal decor or the vast real estate her former rival now commanded. “C’mon, Trixie! This is going to be fun! I’ve got cookies!”
“Cookies…?” Trixie asked, her voice echoing off the crystalline walls.
“Yeah, cookies! I hope they’re not too… um… risqué.” Twilight blushed as she presented Trixie with a tray of cookies. They were in the shape of flanks, hearts, and socks.
“Trixie is eating for two.” With a casual use of her magic, Trixie took a flank-shaped cookie and bit into it with a shrug. “Not bad.”
The grand double doors opened. Fluttershy and Rarity trotted inside, with Rainbow Dash hovering over them. “Alright, it’s party time! We’re not late, are we?” Dash asked. Each pony carried a gift on their back.
“No, you’re right on time,” Twilight replied. “Let’s get into the ballroom, I have everything set up there!” She led the group through the castle, the tray of cookies levitating beside her.
Trixie tilted her head at Twilight. “How many ponies did you invite?”
Twilight shrugged. “Only my five closest friends.”
“Isn’t a ballroom too large for seven ponies?”
Twilight shook her head. “Not really. We’re only using the spare ballroom.”
“S-Spare ballroom?” Trixie asked, incredulous. Just how big was this castle?
“Ta-da!” Twilight opened the double doors at the end of a short hallway. A ballroom, large enough for a small wedding (maybe Trixie could have the wedding here?) and festooned with colorful decorations, was on the other side.
Applejack stood on the far end of a long table, pouring punch into a large crystal bowl. The rest of the hors d'oeuvres were already spread along the table’s length. She wiped her brow with a forehoof and sighed. “All finished, Twi. Jus’ in time, Ah reckon.”
“It looks wonderful, darling.” Rarity turned to Trixie and asked, “Isn’t this delightful?”
Trixie blinked away a tear and sniffed before replying, “Y-Yes, it’s… delightful. It’s been some time since Trixie had such a party with her… friends.” She tried to look away, but instead found herself looking at Fluttershy, hiding near her flank. “Um… Can Trixie help you?”
Fluttershy blushed. “Oh, well, um, could I… touch your belly?”
Trixie sighed, and said, “Go ahead. At least you asked before putting your hooves on Trixie like some hooligan.”
Fluttershy bit her lip to contain her excitement, and followed Trixie to the head of the table. Trixie sat in the high-backed, velvet-lined chair, and allowed Fluttershy to put a hoof and ear to her swollen stomach. “Oh, I think I feel something. I wish I’d brought my stethoscope with me so I could listen to the foal’s heartbeat.” Fluttershy stood and smiled at Trixie. “What’s the foal’s name?”
Trixie blushed, and replied, “Trixie hasn’t decided. Trixie doesn’t know if it’s a filly or a colt.”
“Blah-blah-blah, I wanna get my party on!” Dash said. She snatched a bottle from a bucket of ice and popped the cork with a “Woo-hoo!” Bubbly champagne sprayed halfway down the table, and the cork smacked into Twilight’s head hard enough to stun her. Dash blushed, then busied herself with filling glass flutes and whistling as if nothing happened.
Twilight rubbed her head and looked around the table. “Say, where’s Pinkie Pie? I thought she’d love to be at a party like this.”
“I was wondering the same thing. Did you consult her when you planned this?” Rarity asked her.
Twilight shook her head. “No, I didn’t.”
Rarity bit her lip and sucked in a breath. “That might not go over so well with her.”
Twilight shrugged. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. She doesn’t have to plan every party, does she?” She glanced at the clock on the wall. “Well, I’m sure she’ll show up soon. Let’s have a toast— to Trixie and Big Mac!” Everypony looked to her and nodded. They all raised their glasses and clinked them together. Most took a big sip of champagne. Rarity drained her glass. Everypony smiled as the color went to their cheeks....
...Except for Trixie, who closed her eyes in anticipation of one of her favorite drinks, and only sucked in air. She opened her eyes and found all of the alcohol in her glass flowed out in Twilight’s magic, and back towards the bottle, where Rarity intercepted it. She glared at her empty glass, then at Twilight, and said, “Trixie supposes she’s not going to get any of that Feta or Ricotta, either.”
Applejack looked up from across the table, her mouth stuffed with crackers and ricotta, gulped, and smirked. Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, Trixie. You’ll have lots of fun anyway with—”
KA-BOOM!
“—Your last party as a single mare!” Pinkie’s voice boomed over her party cannon. Everypony looked around, in every direction, away from the table. Confetti rained down around them. They couldn’t see Pinkie anywhere. “Are you ready to par-tay?!” Pinkie asked, her voice directly behind them.
Everypony looked back to the table to see Pinkie standing on a disco ball, hanging low from the ceiling. The lighting softened, and the mirrored ball reflected flashes of light, illuminating Pinkie’s shining, white, toothy smile. Rarity swallowed her drink and asked, “How did you get—”
Trixie clapped her hooves together. “Oh, this looks promising.”
“Wow, what a way to make an entrance, Pinkie,” Twilight said mildly. She circled around the table to Trixie, offering her more cookies.
Pinkie scoffed, and in one swift motion, bucked the tray across the hall. It clanged against the floor, spraying cookie crumbs everywhere. “Those aren’t bachelorette cookies! These are bachelorette cookies!” Pinkie exclaimed, as she produced a new tray in front of Trixie and set it down.
Rarity giggled, Twilight gasped, Fluttershy blushed. “P-Pinkie! These are—”
“Delicious!” Trixie exclaimed with a cookie shaped like ‘a-particular-bit-of-stallion-specific-anatomy’ in her mouth. “It tastes a bit nutty.”
Fluttershy blushed harder at Trixie’s comment. Rarity giggled again, and took a cookie as she finished off her drink. Dash smiled devilishly, took a cookie, and said, “Okay, this is gonna get interesting.”
“It’s your party, time for some music!” Pinkie cried as she hopped onto the table and pulled on the disco ball’s wire like she was ringing a bell. A drum set and guitar landed right in front of her in a shower of balloons and confetti. Everypony sat, mouths agape.
Pinkie clapped her drumsticks together three times, pounded out a beat with her hind hooves, and played both the drums, guitar, and vocals all at the same time. How she did this with just four limbs should have been impossible, yet, she did so flawlessly.
Pinkie started with a bombastic beat and followed it up with some hard guitar chords before she sang the first verse.
Step Inside, walk this way You and me babe, hey, hey!
Love is like a bomb, baby, c’mon get it on Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp Demolition mare, can I be your stallion? Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light!
The disco ball flashed beams of light across the faces of all the mares. Everypony except Twilight broke out in a cheer.
Television lover, baby, go all night Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah!
Hey! C’mon, take a bottle, shake it up Break the bubble, break it up!
Pinkie’s tempo seemed to get faster as the music rose to a crescendo in the first chorus. Twilight pouted at her crumbled cookies, while the rest of the mares cheered with laughter. Rarity, Dash, and Applejack raised their glasses in salute and drained them.
Pour some sugar on me Ooh, in the name of love Pour some sugar on me C’mon, fire me up Pour your sugar on me Oh, I can’t get enough!
Trixie blushed, but continued to cheer. Pinkie played her bass loud enough to vibrate the entire castle.
I’m hot, sticky sweet From my head to my feet, yeah!
Pinkie grinned wide with her little crowd, when the double doors at the end of the hall burst open. “FREEZE!”
The music stopped, and everypony lost their smile. A pair of earth pony police stallions trotted inside, badges flashing. Twilight put her forelegs in the air and cried, “We’re sorry! We’ll keep it down! I haven’t even finished closing escrow on this place, please don’t file a noise complaint!”
One of the police stallions trotted up to her and snorted. “I don’t care who owns the place. Whose party is this?”
Twilight’s eyes grew wide. “You don’t care…?”
“It’s her party!” Pinkie cried, pointing at Trixie.
The two stallions circled around the table and stood on either side of Trixie, who seemed to shrink in her seat. “So you’re to blame…” said the first stallion, a tan specimen, with rippling muscles that strained his uniform.
The second, a yellow stallion with a shining coat, stood behind Trixie’s seat and pulled her forelimbs behind the chair. “You’re under arrest!”
“Wh-what?” Twilight gasped.
“IN THE NAME OF LOVE!” said the first stallion. He tore off his uniform, which had strategically placed velcro for just such an action. Underneath, he wore long socks up past his hocks, a black bow tie, and a tight, tiger-striped thong.
Trixie and the rest of the ponies burst into laughter as the ‘policestallion’ turned and shoved his muscular rump into Trixie’s face. Flexing and gyrating his hips, he displayed his ample muscles, and swished his tail. Trixie tried to slap him on his rear, but she couldn’t move her forelimbs. The second stallion leaned close to her ear and whispered, “Nope, you’ve gotta use your lips.”
Laughing hysterically, Trixie leaned forward and buried her muzzle under the stallion’s tail. He made and ‘oh’ expression, and widened his legs just a bit, as he continued to show off. Pinkie leaned down to Twilight, who had her mouth hanging open. “Game, set, and match. That’s how you throw a bachelorette party,” she whispered with a smug smirk.
“BWA-HAH-HA! How crude, and how fun!” Rarity cried, swaying a bit in her seat.
“Uh-oh,” said the first stallion. He looked over his shoulder at the other. “Officer Hardwood, I think this mare is guilty too. I’m too busy with this naughty bachelorette. You’re a public servant, go service her!”
Rarity blushed furiously, even deeper than Fluttershy, as ‘Officer Hardwood’ released Trixie and sashayed up to Rarity. “I’ll show you crude!” he said, as he too tore off his uniform. He wore only hind socks, a black thong, and a bow tie. Trixie, giggling the entire time, put both of her forehooves on the officer ‘arresting’ her, and ran them down his flanks, stripping his hind socks off. Pinkie started up the music again.
Hardwood put both forehooves on Rarity’s chair back and leaned into her, putting his ample ‘equipment’ in her face. Rarity looked petrified as he pumped his pelvis at her. “HA-HA-HA!” Trixie roared with laughter. “This is way too much fun. Bravo, Miss Pie.”
Pinkie grinned and continued playing.
Listen! Red light, yellow light, green-a-light go! Crazy little mare in a one-stallion show Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up!
“C’mon, Fluttershy. You know you want to!” Rainbow Dash said with a smirk. Fluttershy blushed, and averted her eyes. Dash took Fluttershy’s hoof, jerked her forward, and slapped Hardwood’s flank with it. Hardwood shifted back, putting his jiggling flank into the air. “See? No problem!”
Fluttershy hopped back with a squeak. “Oh… oh my…” she mumbled behind the deep blush in her face. Her sheepish grin could still be seen in the soft disco ball light.
You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little Tease a little more Easy operator come a knockin' on my door Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah, yeah Give a little more!
Trixie now had her entertainer facing her, with his sock in her hooves, wrapped around his barrel, while she giggled like a school filly. Applejack stood nearby, cheering, when he put a forelimb around her shoulders and pulled her close. “Uhhh, mmmmhhh—!” Applejack’s words were buried as the stallion planted a passionate looking kiss on her surprised lips.
Trixie pouted. “Hey, this is my bachelorette party; I thought I was under arrest?”
The stallion released Applejack and raise an eyebrow at Trixie. “Dang, you’re right. I might have to call for back-up! Hang in there, Hardwood. I’m gonna have to get down and dirty with this one!”
Applejack stumbled back, blushing, and barked a laugh. “Ha! I’m fine, don’t mean nothin’.” She took her hat off and fanned herself with it, breathing hard.
Take a bottle, shake it up Break the bubble, break it up
Pour some sugar on me Ooh, in the name of love Pour some sugar on me C'mon fire me up Pour your sugar on me Oh, I can't get enough!
Twilight shook her head. “No pony is going to enjoy this. A bride should never cheat on her spouse-to-be! Pinkie, what have you done?”
Dash roared with laughter. “I don’t think Trixie is the one you should worry about, Egghead!” Dash pointed at Rarity.
Twilight turned to see Rarity, breathless, hairs in her mane out of place, with a deep blush in her cheeks. She had Hardwood’s flank wiggling in her face, his tail wrapped around her neck, and her forehooves fumbling over his rump. And she had his bow tie dangling in her smiling mouth. Twilight couldn’t help but notice the six empty glasses near Rarity.
Pinkie threw her drumsticks over their heads. “THANK YOU! GOODNIGHT!”
Rarity groaned and sat up. Smacking her lips, and rubbing her head, she looked around, sleep still in her eyes. With a gasp, she spat out a bowtie, and looked at the devastation. She sat on her rump in Twilight’s spare crystal ballroom. Confetti, streamers, puddles of champagne, overturned chairs, cookie crumbs, and other bits scattered about the floor made the scene look like a tornado had passed through. Twilight, Trixie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy were also scattered around the hall in various, boneless positions, snoring. “Wha-what happened? Why is the floor moving?” Rarity mumbled. Her mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton.
Paper crinkled under her hoof. Bleary-eyed, she picked it up and read the note.
Hey,
Me, Applejack, and the ‘officers’ locked up after you girls all fell asleep. I’m super-glad you all had fun, especially you, Rarity! Make sure Trixie doesn’t drink any alcohol, she kept forgetting last night, and tried to drink champagne.
I’ll be by tomorrow afternoon to clean up. Wow-wee you girls made a mess! That’s how you know it’s a good party!
—Pinkie Pie
P.S. Applejack says she’s not going to clean this one up, she’s gotta catch up on the applebucking without any “cotton-pickin’ foal-brains around,” whatever that is.
P.P.S. Applejack also says you’re a lightweight, Rarity!
Rarity looked at the bow tie, blushed bright red, then tip-toed out…
...After a moment, she tip-toed back in, swiped the bow tie, and snuck back out, taking the note with her.
Trixie yawned as her eyes fluttered open. Smacking her lips, she looked around. “Trixie isn’t going to clean up this mess… And Trixie is pretty sure she doesn’t have to,” she said with a smirk.
The other ponies stirred, bleary-eyed. Rainbow Dash groaned and rubbed her eyes. “That… was awesome!”
Twilight’s snores drew Fluttershy wide awake. “D-D-Dragon!” she cried, eyes darting every which way.
Trixie giggled. “No, that’s just your esteemed Princess.”
“You’re one to talk— you were snoring pretty loudly, too,” Dash replied with a smirk.
Trixie blushed. “Trixie has a foal! It’s the foal’s fault!”
“Pshh, yeah right!” Dash said with a roll of her eyes.
Twilight’s snoring hitched, then stopped as she rolled to her hooves. Stretching like a cat, she yawned wide, her morning breath only slightly better than a real dragon’s fire breath. Every other pony in the room grimaced at the smell. “Pregnant mares often snore. Increased blood flow constricts the nasal passages,” she mumbled.
Dash’s brow fell flat. “I thought you were asleep.”
“Never too early for learning,” Twilight replied with another yawn. “Speaking of which, I have your first class scheduled for you this afternoon, Trixie.”
“Wh-what? What class? Trixie already graduated! Her G.E.D. is valid! Trixie would never commit forgery!” Trixie cried, her eyes shifting left and right.
“Not high school. We don’t need any competitive musicals.”
Trixie tilted her head at Twilight. “Competitive musicals? There wouldn’t be any real competition; Trixie always has a trick up her sleeve,” she said with a smug grin.
Twilight snorted and rolled her eyes. “Let’s get breakfa—” Twilight looked at the sunlight coming through the windows. “Um… make that lunch.”
Trixie’s stomach growled. “The foal is hungry. Feed us!”
“Oh my… we can’t let the foal go hungry. Let’s get lunch,” Fluttershy said, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She glanced at her hoof, and blushed when the memories of last night rushed back.
“Why are we back here?” Trixie whined, as they stepped into the clinic once again.
“Because, this is where the foal classes are being held. Classes start in— Trixie, I already took your new smoke bombs.”
Trixie gasped as her hoof slid out from under her hat. “How did you know they weren’t up my sleeve?”
“Because you don’t have sleeves,” Twilight replied, then added under her breath, “ever.”
Trixie pouted, then waddled into the waiting room and slumped into one of the chairs with a sigh. “Fine, Trixie promises not to gallop away while you retrieve him from the wagon.”
“Thank you, Trixie,” Twilight said, as she trotted back outside.
“Git in there, ya big galoot!” Applejack commanded. She tried, and failed, to pry Big Mac off of the street lamp. He had all four limbs wrapped around it, shaking like a leaf.
Twilight sighed. “C’mon, Big Mac, you need to go to class with her. You haven’t spent enough time with her. Now is your chance to make up for it.”
Big Mac whimpered and tightened his grip on the post. “M-Mah life is over!” A tear squeezed itself out of his eye.
Applejack stopped, stunned. Twilight gaped, and fumbled for words. “B-Big Mac… I-I know this is all a bit unexpected, but…”
Applejack broke out of her reverie, and threw her forelimbs around his neck (and the lamppost as well). Twilight couldn’t hear what Applejack whispered into her brother’s ear, but it worked. He released the lamppost, turned to the clinic, and walked towards the front door. He walked as if he headed to the gallows, his head almost in the dirt. Twilight fell in beside him, and put a wing over him. “Ah’ll get dinner ready for y’all,” Applejack called out. “See? That’s one thing ya kin look forward to!”
Big Mac didn’t appear to respond. Twilight forced a smile and mumbled, “Your life isn’t over, Mr. Apple.”
He sniffed, and said, “Ah ain’t gonna spread mah wild oats. Ah never really got a chance ta enjoy life. S’all cause o’ that…”
“Well, you reap what you sow. If you spread wild oats....” Twilight tried to look jovial, but she couldn’t keep smiling when Big Mac raised his head and looked at her. His eyes had bags under them, and they looked lifeless. “I’m sorry, I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. If there’s anything I can do—”
Big Mac stopped and snapped his head to Twilight. “Kin ya stop this weddin’?” Big Mac looked away. “Nevermind,” he mumbled. “Granny Smith won’t allow it.”
Twilight froze, like a deer caught in the light of an oncoming train. Big Mac looked so pathetic, trapped, and broken. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Trixie sigh and rub her swollen belly. “Big Mac… if you really want me to use my powers as a Princess to prevent or annul this… I will. But I don’t think you’re giving Trixie a chance. She’s… different now. I think you should give all this a shot.” Twilight lowered her voice. “Trixie acts big and tough, but I don’t think she’s ever had a real friend before; it’s really sad. Maybe you could start there?”
Big Mac snorted. “Ah reckon we have some things ta talk about.”
“Have you talked to her? I mean, really talked to her since she’s arrived?”
Big Mac shook his head.
“The class for newborn foals will begin in two minutes. Parents, please step this way,” Nurse Redheart called from across the room.
Trixie struggled to stand, as if her belly was filled with stones. A powerful hoof lifted her up, letting her fall to all fours. “Thank you… Mr. Apple?”
“Call me Big Mac. S’what my friends call me.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie prefers to be called as such.”
“Ah ain’t gonna call ya that.”
They hobbled into a side room behind a grey pegasus and a brown earth pony. They took a seat at a long table with the other couple. The grey pegasus sat next to Big Mac; he recognized the mailmare with a start. “Trixie is Great and Powerful, she demands you call her by her proper name.” Nurse Redheart switched on an aging projector and aimed it at a fresh bedsheet hung on the opposite wall to act as a screen.
Nurse Redheart glared at Trixie as she began her lesson. “Today we’re going to talk about the birthing process, and what you can expect for the first year or so of the newborn foal’s life. It’s a great deal of material to cover, so I want everypony to listen up so you don’t miss anything.” She gave Trixie the stink eye. “I don’t want anypony to think they’re too good to learn this important lesson.”
One hour of sleep-inducing lecture later…
“...And that’s how you put on a diaper.”
Big Mac scratched his chin with a forehoof, staring at Trixie as she put a diaper on Smartypants. Or at least she tried to. She managed to get the diaper wrapped around the doll’s pelvic region, but it certainly wasn’t going to stop any leaks. The diaper didn’t go between the doll’s legs. Trixie shot daggers at the mass of thread and fluff in her hooves and spat out, “I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, I will not be defeated by a square of cloth!”
Next to them, Derpy Hooves used a stuffed rabbit as her surrogate foal. Her crossed eyes focused in concentration. Her face lit up in a smile as she held up her rabbit. “Excellent job, Muffin!” said her companion. The rabbit had a perfectly wrapped diaper. Trixie looked, open-mouthed, at the wall-eyed pegasus.
“Maybe try it like this?” Big Mac asked. He reached over, pulled the corner of the diaper cloth, rewound it, and smirked. Smartypants now looked like a proper foal.
“Trixie can do this!”
Redheart rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath, “You can’t even go to the bathroom yourself. How are you going to keep your foal from making a mess?”
Trixie unwrapped the diaper and tried again…
Yet another hour later…
Nurse Redheart reached out for the light switch. She glanced at Smartypants, who had a diaper wrapped around her head like a turban. She shook her head and flicked the switch. “Everypony, I want you to watch this short video. It will explain the benefits of teatfeeding from leading medical minds. Sorry about the video being a little dated, but it does get the point across.” As the movie started, she sank into a chair in the dark corner of the room and took a sip of her ‘special’ coffee.
Big Mac leaned close to Trixie and whispered, “We need ta talk.”
Trixie turned to him and whispered back, “About what?”
The movie started. “Hello, I’m Doctor Tunt. I’m going to explain how teatfeeding is going to make for better foals, better families, and even a better society!”
“Us. That night we… ya know.”
Trixie’s ears went back. “Oh… that. Trixie doesn’t actually remember everything, on account of all the alcohol.”
The video continued, “Teatfeeding is the most important thing you can do for your newborn foal. There are many benefits, including a healthier foal. Formula can cause obesity, among other problems.” Trixie and Big Mac tuned the video out, while Derpy stared at the movie, transfixed. Or at least she stared with one eye. The other seemed to find the spiderweb in the corner of the room interesting.
“Ah remember it. ‘Least Ah remember most of it. That’s the problem. Ah… kinda lose mah head when Ah git drink in me.”
Trixie smirked. “You may have lost your head, but you still have large… hooves,” she tittered.
The video droned on, “…Teatfeeding has been associated with higher intelligence later in life. Therefore…”
Big Mac’s mouth fell into a line. “You… ya jus’ used me, didn’t ya?”
Trixie arched her neck and leaned back. “Trixie didn’t force you to do anything.”
Unnoticed by the chatty Big Mac, the video continued on, “…Additionally, formula will cause the foal to have food allergies later in life. Even if the foal wants formula, you should continue to teatfeed…”
“No, but Ah didn’t really have much choice, did Ah?”
Trixie arched a brow. “Trixie did not force you to do anything, but you did not have a choice? Trixie gave you free drinks, and offered companionship. Trixie does not see how this takes away your choices. She did not use her power to force you to do anything.” Trixie swallowed, and her voice cracked. “Trixie felt on top of the world that night. And wanted a pony to love and adore her, just for once.”
Derpy and her companion focused on the video. “…A mother’s milk is the most amazing, life-giving liquid. Nothing else comes close. It can even lower the chance of SIDS…”
“Ya might not have forced me ta drink, but ya woulda taken it out on the town if’n Ah didn’t. Thunderlane tried puttin’ his moves on ya, but ya jus’ didn’t like ‘im. Ah guess ya don’t like ‘em with wings. He caught me in the market an’ said if’n Ah didn’t make ya happy, you’d make every stallion in town yer slave.”
Trixie let out a low gasp and whispered back, “Trixie wouldn’t have forced all of the stallions to be slaves. Just enough to build a twenty-foot solid gold statue of Trixie. Oh, and then two more, one to fan me, and another to feed me grapes.”
Derpy let out a gasp, while her companion raised an eyebrow. “…Teatfeeding is so important, it will lead to a healthier, more peaceful society, without war or disease!”
“Y-Ya mean ya wouldn’t have worked us ta death?”
Trixie blushed. “Trixie admits she wasn’t the nicest when she wore the alicorn amulet, but she wasn’t wearing it at the time. And Trixie didn’t care for the other stallions. The Great and Powerful Trixie selected you because she liked you. In fact, Trixie still thinks you have one of the hottest pieces of—”
“MUFFINS!” Derpy launched herself at the bedsheet, which showed a smiling mother with a dozen freshly baked muffins, offering them to her foals.
Nurse Redheart flicked on the lights. On the other end of the room, Derpy struggled under the bedsheet. With a rip, she tore it open and popped her head up from the heap. “I just don’t know what went wrong!”
Big Mac flopped into his bed, exhausted. The class lasted until well after dark, and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Tossing and turning, he tried and failed to sleep.
With a creak, his door cracked open. With a start, he looked up to find Trixie tip-toeing inside his room. “Big Mac, are you awake?”
“Eeeyup.”
“Trixie would like to sleep here tonight, instead of the guest room.”
“What ‘bout Granny Smith?”
“You can blame Trixie. Say she snuck into your bed. Just don’t wax your—”
“Okay, okay, git in.”
Trixie climbed into bed, and lay on her left side. Pulling his forelimbs around herself like a blanket, she rubbed her flank into his stomach. With a smirk, she whispered, “Trixie can tell you enjoy having her here as well. If you’re so worried about the future, just imagine what it would be like to have the Great and Powerful Trixie in your bed every night for the rest of your life.”
Big Mac pulled her tight against him. As her warmth spread through his body, he thought, Maybe this won’t be s’bad after all. He grunted. Damnit, now Ah gotta wax mah—
Chapter 9 - The Best Laid Wedding Plans oft go Awry
“We’re gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony.”
Rarity wept, blowing her nose into a lacy tissue. Big Mac stood at the altar, sweating in his tuxedo. Fluttershy stood on the far side as a bridesmare, while Applejack stood next to her brother as a groomsmare. His bride stood next to him, covered in white.
“If anypony believes these two shouldn’t be forever joined, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
“I OBJECT ON THE GROUNDS THAT SHE’S A TOTAL TRANNY!” Dash shouted from beside the altar.
Gasps—followed by a bell toll of silence—reverberated through the hall.
...
Pinkie Pie tore off the veil she wore, careful not to tear the wedding dress. “No-no-no-NO! You can’t just skip to the good part!” She yelled, pointing at Twilight, who whimpered and tried to hide behind the podium. “And Rainbow, it’s ‘tyrant’! You need to object because she’s a tyrant!”
“Sorry,” Dash replied, her wings drooping.
“Pinkie, we’ve been at this for hours. Is it really necessary for Rainbow Dash to object? Can’t we just have a nice, normal wedding?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie whirled on Twilight. “Excuse me? EXCUSE ME!? Are you trying to plan this party?” Her hair fell flat, which looked particularly threatening with the wedding dress she wore.
“No! I’m sorry, you’re the party planner, Pinkie. You can do whatever you want! I just thought it might be nicer without the objection.” Twilight averted her eyes and tried to look small.
Pinkie’s eye twitched, she tilted her head, and smiled a toothy, manic grin. “You think the wedding would be better without the drama of an objection?” Her voice modulated to something between psychotic and demonic.
“Eeeyup,” Big Mac piped up.
Pinkie’s hair poofed out in a flash. “Oh, well if the groom doesn’t want the objection then it’s right out.”
Big Mac wiped the sweat from his brow. Applejack chuckled, “Heh, Ah reckon that’ll make this easier. Kin we jus’ take a break?”
“Sure thing, AJ! Everypony, take five!” They all sighed and turned to leave. Everypony looked like a flower wilting in the heat, except for Pinkie. She put a hoof on Big Mac’s shoulder. “Not you, mister groom! Now we need to talk about centerpieces! Do you want votives or hydrangeas?”
“Uhhh…?”
Pinkie’s ears fell. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? And we haven’t even talked about chiavari chairs, color schemes, or invitation stocks yet. I need to know what you two want!”
Big Mac looked like he was going to be sick.
Applejack trotted into the farmhouse, mopping her brow with a floral cloth napkin. “How’s tha practice comin’ along?” Granny Smith asked from her favorite rocking chair.
“Exhaustin’,” Applejack replied.
Trixie looked up from the table. “Is that Trixie’s missing sample?” she asked, bloodshot eyes focusing on AJ.
“Uhhh…” Applejack looked at the cloth in her hoof, then at Trixie.
Surrounded by magazines, folders, binders, color swatches, candles of various sizes, three quills, two inkwells, and dozens of notes, Trixie glared at the cloth in Applejack’s possession. “Is. That. The. Missing. Napkin sample?”
Applejack dropped the cloth and galloped out. Granny Smith sighed and said, “Ya don’t have ta do this all yerself ya know.”
“Trixie is a mare and only gets one wedding in her life. This must be perfect!” Trixie punctuated her statement with an extra forceful stab of the quill. She picked up the cloth with her magic, brought it up next to a couple of swatches, and squinted in concentration.
Granny Smith shook her head. “This here’s ‘bout you an’ Big Mac. Ya don’t need no fancy dress ta make it important. Why, in my day—”
“Trixie will have a beautiful dress! No, Trixie will have the greatest wedding dress ever known!” Trixie spat out her words with a twitch in her right eye, her mane spouting stray hairs like a row of spines down her back.
Apple Bloom trotted into the room, reading a comic book. She glanced up at Trixie, then back at her comic. “Wow, Trixie. You look kinda like this here Godzilla monster in th’ comic!”
“I’m a bride! Not a monster!” she shouted, towering over Apple Bloom. She looked ready to breathe fire or crush a large coastal city.
The next day…
“C’mon you two, this is the best part!” Pinkie cried, bouncing on her hooves. She pushed fresh plates across the table towards Big Mac and Trixie.
“No more, Trixie is full,” Trixie moaned, rubbing her ample belly.
Big Mac looked like he too was pregnant. His stomach swollen to bursting, he looked ready to throw up. “Don’t you want more wedding cake?” Pinkie asked.
“Nnnope,” he moaned.
“But how are you two gonna decide what kind of cake you want without trying the samples?”
Trixie’s tongue hung out of her mouth. “Urg… Trixie is tired… tired of making decisions. Can’t we just let those Cutie Mark Crusaders choose a cake flavor?”
“Eeeyup.”
Pinkie threw her forelegs in the air. “NO! It’s your wedding! You get to choose the cake flavor! Look, we have seven-hundred and thirty-four flavors to try, and you’ve tried two-hundred and fourteen. That leaves only five-hundred and twenty to go. It’s cake! What are you waiting for?” she asked, her tail wagging like a dog’s. She gestured behind her to the hundreds of plates, each with a small square of cake on it.
“No… no more. Trixie cannot eat another bite. The foal wants to sleep,” Trixie moaned.
“Eeey—urp!” Big Mac put a hoof to his mouth.
Pinkie Pie blew out a massive sigh. “Now what am I going to do with all of this cake?”
Far away in Canterlot…
“Ah-achoo!” Celestia covered her muzzle with a piece of cloth that put Trixie’s swatches to shame.
“Are you alright, sister?” Luna asked over her cup of tea.
“Yes, I’m fine. I just had the sudden feeling like I should be somewhere… doing something… decadent.”
Luna snickered. “Like eating five hundred pieces of luxurious wedding cake?”
Celestia chuckled, “Where would I find something like that?”
The next morning…
“But Trixie liked the double-banana pistachio-and-raspberry cream cake.”
“Tasted like Apple Bloom’s mud pies,” Big Mac responded.
“You wanna make mud pies?” Apple Bloom asked from across the breakfast table, her ears perking up.
Granny Smith snorted from her position at the head of the table.
“Nnnope.”
“Why don’t you go out and play with her? Trixie will be fine, Trixie has plenty of peanut butter and habanero peppers.” Trixie demonstrated this by using her magic and a dinner knife to open the pepper on her plate and stuff it with peanut butter from the open jar. Then, she ate it in one bite, and washed it down with a tall glass of apple juice… from the south orchard. The one with the green, sour apples. Granny Smith smirked. Next to her, Applejack made a face at the culinary horror. Trixie smiled as if she’d bitten into a slice of double-banana-doom cake.
“Ah wanna try that!” Apple Bloom said, reaching for another pepper off of Trixie’s plate. Big Mac snatched her up and trotted out, just in time. Unbeknownst to the young Apple, Trixie stared at her with murderous intent.
No one takes my peanut-butter peppers!
“Ya sure do know yer way ‘round foals,” Granny Smith remarked. “Ya sure this here is yer first?”
Trixie crunched into another pepper and replied, “Certainly. Trixie dealt with foals all the time while traveling. Foals were the best mark— CUSTOMERS! Ah… ahem.” Trixie put a hoof to her chest as if she had to hiccup, which she clearly did not.
The kitchen timer went off like a klaxon. “Tarnation… is it time fer that crazy weddin’ planner o’ yers already? Ah already had Big Mac fix tha’ window. Why can’t she use the door like a normal pony?” Granny Smith said with a sour expression.
The entire house rumbled ominously. Trixie and Granny Smith looked at the windows, as if hungry velociraptors would burst through them. “Aren’t you ready yet!?” Pinkie cried from behind Trixie.
Trixie squealed and jumped. She whirled around to find Pinkie dressed in a full tuxedo, screwing the lighting fixture back into the ceiling. “Wh-what…?”
“I didn’t want to break the window again; that made Granny Smith frown, and I’m not about to start giving out frowns. So I came in through the ceiling,” Pinkie replied. “Didn’t the party cannon aftershocks warn you I was coming?”
“What? No! The timer warned us you were going to be here,” Trixie said, pointing to the device. She blushed, cleared her throat, and said, “What you do you mean by aftershocks? Trixie didn’t hear the before-shocks.”
“I didn’t want to scare anypony, so I put silencers on my party cannons. Why don’t you have your wedding dress on? We should be at practice already!”
Granny Smith pounded the table with a hoof. “Now just hang on a cotton-pickin’ minute! Ya can’t keep a cannon quiet. How did ya—”
Pinkie stuffed a wad of cotton into Granny Smith’s mouth, grabbed Trixie, and headed out the door. “I hope that’s enough cotton to cover one minute! We’ll be back in a few hours,” she called out over her shoulder.
After the door closed, Granny Smith spat out the cotton. “How in tarnation… We don’t even grow cotton!”
Three weeks later…
“We’re ready.”
“Eeeyup.”
“Are you nuts?!” Pinkie cried.
Standing around the kitchen table, the three ponies looked out over the diorama. It looked much like the barn, surrounding orchards, and included dozens of tiny pony figurines. None of the miniature buildings had a roof, so their interiors could be seen. Everything was divided by hexagons, and the base of each figurine perfectly fit the spaces.
Grinding her teeth, Pinkie slapped on her peaked cap, the one with a dozen brass stars on the front. Adjusting her shoulder-boards, she towered over the miniature field. “How are the bridesmares going to exfiltrate the main theater of action once the events are completed? We still don’t know the order!”
Wearily, Big Mac replied, “Does it matter?”
“YES! Am I going before, or after Rarity?! And we haven’t even talked about Twilight! Spike has to know these things beforehoof, or he can’t very well announce us!”
“Shouldn’t everypony leave in the reverse order they arrived?” Trixie asked, blinking one sleepy eye, then the other.
“That’s the classical strategy, but I’d like to shake things up a bit! We don’t want the enemy to know what we’re doing!” Pinkie grinned, her hair falling flat. “They’ll never know what hit ‘em!” Her eyes floated in different directions.
“Uh… I don’t reckon anypony is our enemy,” Big Mac said, pushing his and Trixie’s figurines to the tiny podium.
“That’s what they want you to think!” Pinkie chattered, pushing the groomsmares behind the Big Mac figurine. “You sure you want to allow them to flank you like that? Oh… maybe we can make it look like they’re getting the upper hoof. Then…” Pinkie’s grin grew wide.
“This isn’t a war. It’s a wedding. It’s about love,” Trixie mumbled.
“THAT’S RIGHT!” Pinkie shouted. “All’s fair in love and war! We gotta be ready for anything!”
The back door burst open, and a trio of mares all struggled to get inside.
“We’re going to be bridesmares!” “Twilight said so!” “We’re in, or you’re not getting married!”
Lyra managed to push her way past the other two mares and enter the house. “And I’m getting the bouquet this time!”
“What is the meaning of this?” Trixie moaned, looking at her new bridesmares.
“Sorry,” Twilight’s voice called from somewhere outside. “They got wind that I was involved in a wedding. I… sort of removed them from the last wedding they were part of, because… well, reasons. Good reasons!”
Minuette squeezed into the house next, and breathed out, “The Princess says we’re in the wedding! You must obey her!”
“What?” Big Mac asked dumbly.
Twinkleshine and Twilight stuffed themselves into the crowded kitchen of the farmhouse. Twilight blushed and said, “I said I could use my powers as royalty to get them into the wedding. I didn’t actually—”
“But you and your friends stole our spots last time!” Twinkleshine whined. “You owe us!”
Twilight sighed and turned to Trixie. “Do you think you could… maybe let them be bridesmares? It would mean a lot to them.”
Trixie smirked. “Trixie believes the wedding party could use these three. However, you’ll all owe Trixie a favor. After all, this is Trixie’s special day…”
“We will!” “We’ll be the best bridesmares ever!” “You won’t regret it!”
“Excellent, now we just have to plan how the ceremony will go,” Trixie said with a sigh.
Pinkie’s left eye twitched. With a cry of frustration, she flipped the table, sending figurines flying. Sinking into her seat, her hat slid off her head and onto her lap. “War is hell.”
Another three weeks later
“Take one.”
“We’re gathered here today to join this mare and mare in holy—”
“NO! Twilight, now’s not the time for your lesbian fantasies! Everypony, back to the beginning, take two!”
“I’m not— I didn’t mean to—” Twilight blushed and huffed. Seeing everypony listen to Pinkie, she flipped back to the first page of the script with a sigh...
”Take six.”
“Ooop!” Rainbow Dash’s hoof nicked the front of her frilly bridesmaid’s dress, and she tumbled tail over teakettle.
Pinkie sighed. “Back to the beginning, everypony. And no flying or tripping down the aisle!”
Dash grit her teeth and pinched her bloody nose with her hooves. “I’m fine, thanks for asking!”
”Take twelve.”
Twinkleshine strode forward, right behind Trixie, smiling the whole way.
“STOP! No-no-NO!” Pinkie cried. “It’s Lyra, Minuette, then you!”
“But why?” Twinkleshine whined.
“Because I want you three in order of background pony popularity, and the author isn’t one-hundred percent sure what your name is! Back to the beginning everypony!”
“What? Who?” ‘Twinkleshine’ asked.
”Take twenty-seven.”
“I now pronounce you mare and stallion. You may now kiss the bride,” Twilight said for the first time this evening, her heart racing. Are we done? she thought.
“GYAHHH!” Trixie screamed.
Twilight looked up wearily. “No… now we have to start over. Pinkie’s going to—”
“DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP, SOLDIER!” Pinkie cried, knocking over what’s-her-name and Lyra to get to Trixie. She wore a bizarre combination outfit of a general’s hat and a bridesmare’s dress. For some reason, they complemented each other.
Applejack rubbed her eyes. “Ya can’t quit now. Nothin’s more important than this weddin’. We gotta git through it.”
“No more!” Trixie screamed, weeping.
“Don’t give up, darling. We almost had it that time,” Rarity said from behind Big Mac.
Big, sloppy tears leaked down Trixie’s face. Fluttershy bit her lip and inched forward. “Oh, Pinkie. Maybe we should stop. Trixie looks like she’s had enough.”
“Trixie’s fine!” Pinkie cried. “We need to practice this the way it’s gonna happen at the wedding! Nothing’s more important than getting this right!”
Trixie moaned and clutched her stomach as she fell to the floor. Twilight looked over the podium at Trixie and Pinkie. “Well, it’s the second most important thing.”
“What could be more important than the wedding party?!” Pinkie barked with a dangerous edge in her voice.
“The foal,” Trixie moaned.
“The foal isn’t due for another five weeks, now stop your whining, and get your flank off the floor!” Pinkie said, snapping her general’s crop.
Pinkie adjusted her military cap and took in a deep breath. “You’re not going into labor,” Pinkie said, her brow flat.
“AHHH!”
“Somepony, call the doctor!” Hooves scrambled, papers flew everywhere, and doors rapidly opened.
“You’re going to get up, finish this rehearsal, and everything will be fine,” Pinkie said, her right eyelid twitching.
“GYAHH—” Trixie seemed to choke on her yell. Huffing, she trembled to all four hooves. “T-Trixie is alright…”
Everypony froze, like deer caught in the light of an oncoming train. “A-Are you sure?” Twilight asked.
“It’s five weeks early! She’s just faking it,” Pinkie said, her nose in the air.
“Well, it hurt, but it seems to have— YAHHH!!!” Trixie fell to her flank again, clutching her belly.
“I order you to stop! You’re invited to the wedding, but you don’t get any speaking lines!” Pinkie cried, one hoof pointing at Trixie’s stomach.
Big Mac lifted Trixie as if she’d broken a leg. They staggered to the door, ponies surging ahead of them. “Ah reckon it’s time,” Applejack said, galloping out the door. “Ah’ll git the doc!” She disappeared down the road at a fantastic pace.
“Eeeyup.”
Pinkie darted in front of the onrushing crowd and used her body to block the door. Grinding her teeth, glaring daggers at the unborn foal, she screamed, “Get back in there, or I’ll put you back in! This is insubordination!” Her pupils shrank and held a red tinge.
Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Big Mac bowled her over like a runaway freight train. The group carried Trixie and Pinkie, still hollering curses, in the direction of the hospital. The barn door creaked closed.
A moment later, Granny Smith hobbled into the barn. “What in tarnation is goin’ on? Where is everypony?” She glanced down when her hoof stepped on some fabric. “An’ whose cap is this? W-Were we gittin’ a visit from a general?!”
“Prep for emergency delivery,” Nurse Redheart commanded from the back of the gurney. Trixie lay upon it, breathing fast enough to hyperventilate, covered in a sheen of sweat. Big Mac acted equally uncalm.
The six friends could hardly keep up. The medical staff were waiting for Trixie because of Applejack’s warning. “Gosh, I hope everything will be okay,” Fluttershy mumbled from the back of the group.
“How long since labor started?” Nurse Redheart yelled over her shoulder at Twilight.
“About nine minutes!” she called back.
“I don’t get it,” Rainbow Dash said quietly. “She’s going into labor, not dying. What’s the rush?”
The entire group had to make a sharp right down a long corridor. Tearing down the hallway, Twilight huffed out her answer. “W-Well, there’s a possibility of complications. And we need to be there when the foal comes out to fix things if there’s a problem.”
“Right… I get that,” Dash replied. “But what’s the rush? How long before the foal is here?”
“GYAHHH!” Trixie cried again.
“Equines deliver foals on average between fifteen and twenty minutes. We’re already nine… make that ten minutes in. If there’s any complications, we might not be ready in time,” Twilight replied, just as the group pushed into a delivery room.
The nurses transferred Trixie to a foaling bed, draped a sheet over her lower end, slammed her hind legs into the stirrups, and pulled her legs apart. “Trixie isn’t ready for this now. Can we schedule this for next—AHHHH!”
“Wow, fifteen minutes? That doesn’t seem like a lot of time. I thought labor was longer, like sixteen hours or something,” Dash said from the air. Dash and Fluttershy hovered over the group; there just wasn’t enough room otherwise. After getting violently knocked around twice by the medical staff, Twilight huffed, spread her wings, and joined them.
“Sixteen hours? What kind of species would spend so much time in labor? That’s just crazy! No female would have a second baby after such an experience. No… I’m quite certain evolution would require any species to get labor over with as quickly as possible,” Twilight said with a nod.
“Oh, that makes sense. I guess twenty minutes of pain really is a long time.” Dash pursed her lips. “I hope it’s over quick, I don’t like seeing ponies in pain.”
“It isn’t always quick. Rabbits can take over an hour for labor,” Fluttershy interjected.
“An hour? That’s gotta suck for the momma rabbit. How do they do it?” Dash asked.
“Well, you have to remember, rabbits can give birth to a dozen babies at once.” Fluttershy bit her lower lip. “I hope Trixie only gives birth to one foal.”
Dash’s mouth fell open. “I didn’t even think of that!”
“Don’t worry, when we checked, there was only one foal. Trixie isn’t going to have twins,” Twilight supplied.
Fluttershy sniffed. “Oh, birth is always so beautiful.”
Trixie screamed as a puddle of pale yellow liquid dripped onto the floor.
Dash’s nose crinkled up. “Did… did she just wet herself?”
Twilight stifled a laugh. “Y-Yes, it isn’t unusual. I’m surprised her water hasn’t broken yet. That’s when we know the foal is on the way.”
“Yeah, that’s the other thing. I hear that expression all the time when it comes to birth, but what exactly does it mean? You can’t break water, or any liquid. It’s just gonna go back to whatever shape it was in.” Dash blushed a bit when Twilight and Fluttershy looked at her like a filly. “I-I didn’t really pay all that much attention in health class.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “It means—”
“You're not dilated,” Nurse Redheart interrupted.
“What?!” Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity cried in unison.
“Nnnope?” Big Mac asked with a dopey expression.
Nurse Redheart appeared from under the sheet and stood, perfectly calm and composed. “You’re not dilated,” she repeated. “You’re not in labor, these are false contractions.”
Trixie, drenched in sweat, glared at her. “These are not false contractions. Trixie assures you, they are quite painful.”
Nurse Redheart rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you’re not faking it, but you’re not in labor, either. Drink plenty of fluids and get some bed rest. Change positions if you get another contraction. These sorts of things are brought on by stress, which you would know if you’d paid any attention during your foal classes. Are you experiencing any undue stress today?”
“How dare you!” Pinkie suddenly screamed.
“Pardon me?” Nurse Redheart asked, a forehoof to her chest.
Pinkie ignored her and stomped up to Trixie, tearing the sheet off of her. Trixie blushed, the smell of urine still strong in the room, and the last scrap of her dignity gone along with the sheet. Pinkie grabbed Trixie’s belly with both forehooves and screamed right at it. “How dare you interrupt our wedding rehearsal! I want to yell at your adorable face! Get out here, right now!”
Applejack, Big Mac, and Nurse Redheart all looked at her with flat brows. “While I’d love to see the circus act you’d perform to get the foal out, I can’t allow you to abuse my patients,” Redheart said with a huff.
Pinkie whirled on Redheart, her hair going flat. “Oh, you want to get in my way?” Pinkie’s eyes drifted in different directions.
Nurse Redheart glared back with an icy stare. “You think you know crazy? I’m a nurse at the end of a fourteen-hour shift. I’ve had one interrupted meal today. I’m running on six cups of coffee, compassion for my patients, and frayed nerves. And you think you can threaten me with crazy?” Redheart towered over Pinkie. The flat hair appeared less crazy and more scared of poofing out under Redheart’s gaze. “Sister, if you want to see crazy, threaten one of my patients again. I’ll show you crazy!”
“Okay! I think it’s time to go. Thank you all for this… wonderful practice run.” Twilight nabbed Pinkie with her aura while Big Mac lifted Trixie. They all backed out of the room, while Redheart tracked Pinkie like a predator. Twilight smiled, sweat trickling down her neck, as they all exited the room. She used her magic to close the door. The group trotted down the hall, everypony’s hackles sticking straight up.
Once they stepped into the sunlight, Pinkie turned to Twilight and whispered, “I looked into the abyss...”
“Huh?”
“...And Nurse Redheart was staring back at me!” Pinkie finished with a harsh whisper.
“Is… Trixie an important patient?” Trixie mumbled.
“Eeeyup.”
“Even if Trixie might have teased Nurse Redheart just a bit?”
“Eeeyup.”
Trixie looked at Big Mac, confused. “Trixie… hasn’t ever had another pony care so much about her. Trixie is unsure how to feel about this.”
Big Mac pulled her close. “S’all right. Good nurses‘re like that.”
“She’s not trying to trick Trixie? Get Trixie to lower her guard so she can strike?”
Big Mac shook his head. “Nnnope.”
“What in tarnation is goin’ on here?!” Granny Smith said, as she burst into the room with a lantern.
Big Mac and Trixie yelped. Trixie pulled the sheets up to her chin, while Big Mac tumbled out of his bed and onto the floor with a thump. “Nothing is occurring here! Everything is fine!” Trixie said, although her blushing cheeks did little to convince Granny Smith.
“Ah told ya, unmarried ponies ain’t sleeping tagether in this house! Now y’all git ta yer own beds, or Ah’ll tan yer hides!” Granny Smith glared at Big Mac in particular.
Trixie struggled to roll out of bed, but her swollen belly prevented her. “Trixie… will leave… no need to…”
“Ah’m goin’.”
Big Mac brushed past Granny Smith, his head hung low. “Wh-What? Why? This is your bed,” Trixie called after him.
“Ponies sacrifice things fer friends an’ kin. Somethin’ ya should be doin’ fer yer foal. Every day.” Granny Smith just stared at Trixie for a moment before she nodded and shut the door.
Trixie stopped, mouth agape at the closed door. “Perhaps, not every pony who is nice to Trixie is out to swindle her,” she whispered in the dark. “But Trixie can’t be nice, or else ponies won’t like her. Ponies must quake in awe or fear of Trixie.” Trixie’s voice quavered. She thought about laying in the hospital bed, her hind legs strapped apart, the smell of urine and helplessness. “What else could Trixie do, if ponies do not tremble in fear and awe when Trixie enters the room?”
Trixie looked down at her own belly, an amorphous shadow in the dark. “The grand finale will be a bit more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of Trixie’s hat.” She rubbed her belly, feeling the foal’s hoof follow her own.
The clock ticked well past midnight. Trixie and Big Mac hadn’t slept (just slept, nothing more) together in over a week. Granny Smith exerted considerable effort to prevent it. However, tonight, insomnia tormented them both. Trixie snuck into Big Mac’s bed again in order to fall asleep. They laid awake, doing nothing but spoon with each other for the past hour.
Trixie sighed. “Did… did you have a bachelor party?”
“Nnnope,” Big Mac replied sadly.
“Why not?”
“Not enough time. Braeburn didn’t find out ‘til he got the weddin’ invitation, Doctor Whooves is… outta town again, Caramel forgot, an’ Lucky returned from Las Pegasus jus’ last week an’ is still sleepin’ it off. Spike wanted ta throw one, ‘cept Ah can’t have a party with just the two o’ us. An’ Ah reckon he ain’t old enough fer a proper bachelor party anyway.” Big Mac hugged Trixie a little tighter.
Trixie wiggled in a way that pleased Big Mac. “Perhaps Trixie will give her husband a private party. We shall have some fun, without your granny interfering, yes?”
Big Mac gulped. Trixie smirked as she felt Big Mac at her croup. “E-Eeeyup!”
“Shhh… Trixie would rather not wake your… our grandmother at this time.” Trixie shifted even closer to Big Mac. He put his forehooves over her belly. As if on cue, the foal kicked them both.
“Whoa,” Big Mac mumbled as his hoof bounced away.
“It seems Trixie isn’t the only one awake tonight. Our fun will have to wait,” Trixie whispered. Wincing, she rubbed her swollen stomach. “Shhhh… it’s time for sleep.”
Big Mac grunted. Looks like nopony’s gettin’ what they want.
“Git up! S’time ta git ready! It’s tha big day!” Apple Bloom shouted. Big Mac groaned and rolled over. He found Apple Bloom standing at his doorway, already wearing a garland of apple blossoms with a basket of rose petals in her mouth.
“Wh-What time ‘s it?” Big Mac slurred.
“Six-thirty in th’ mornin’. Let’s go!” Apple Bloom shouted, a grin on her face.
Blinking at his window, Big Mac saw sunlight creeping towards the bed. His eyes snapped open when he couldn’t find Trixie. Patting the bed sheets, he fumbled for her, still half asleep.
“Ya lost somethin’, big brother?”
“Uhhh… nnnope,” Big Mac rubbed his eyes and rolled out of bed. Sighing, he walked to his armoire and opened it. He blinked, stunned. “R-Right… fergot ‘bout that,” he mumbled to the tuxedo. It hung prominently in front of his harness and other bits of clothing he wore on special occasions. Silver horseshoes, a white undershirt, and a tiny black box sat in the open drawer, staring back at him. He gulped and prepared himself.
“Sleep well?” Applejack asked.
Trixie blinked a set of bloodshot eyes at her reflection. Applejack drew the dress’s train over Trixie’s back and pulled the straps around her barrel. The lower straps had to be left loose on account of Trixie’s ample stomach. “Trixie feels as if her stomach is full of butterflies.”
Applejack chuckled, “Ah reckon that’s normal fer a bride.”
“Make it stop.”
Applejack stopped short with the final string tying the wedding dress together held in her mouth. “Pardon?”
“Make the butterflies stop now, please.”
“Uhh… Ah can’t make ‘em stop. Ah reckon yer gonna have ta git married ta git rid of ‘em.” Applejack laughed. “This here sounds like stage fright. Ain’t ya used ta that?”
Trixie looked over her shoulder at Applejack, one brow raised. “What’s that?”
Applejack brought Trixie her shoes. “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me. Stage fright, ya know, when ya git nervous ‘afore ya go on stage ‘cause ya think yer not good enough ta…” Trixie looked at Applejack dumbly. “…never mind.”
“Me first!”
“No, I wanna go first!”
“He’s mah brother, Ah git ta go first, an’ that’s final!” Apple Bloom finished with a stomp of her elegantly shod hoof.
Rarity shook her head at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “I cannot believe the way those three are acting. Today is about Big Mac and Trixie, not them. They’re acting like foals.”
“Me first!”
“No, I wanna go first!”
“Pinkie said I’m going first because I’m the most famous, and that’s final!”
Rarity turned to face the other bridesmares and sighed. “Big… foals…” she mumbled under her breath.
“Places, everypony, places!” Pinkie hollered into her megaphone from her chair. It had a black cloth seat and backing, with her name printed on the back. She adjusted the beret on her head and flipped to the next page in a thick sheaf of papers titled, ‘script.’ Her eyes bugged out when she read the next line. “How could I forget?” she muttered to herself as she jumped out the window. Luckily the window was open… this time.
Rarity tried to hurry, but had limited room to work in the guest bedroom of the Apples’ farmhouse. The other mares didn’t help either. “You act like you’ve never done a three-tiered mane,” she mumbled under her breath as she worked to fix Lyra’s mane into something befitting a formal occasion. Lyra sat upright on a stool, making the process easier, but her constant bickering with the other bridesmares made up for it. Rarity put one last hair pin into place, sighed, and said, “That’ll have to do.”
“Welcome! Please sign the guest book.” Pinkie smiled, pointing with one hoof to direct traffic, another to offer a quill to the newest guest, another to collect the wedding gifts and place them on the table, another to collect and check invitations, and three more to stand on.
The mare in front of Pinkie—Apple Cobbler according to the invitation—smiled and said, “Ah never seen a pony do so many thangs at once. Yer right talented there. How do ya do it?”
Pinkie shrugged and replied, “Only let your hooves into the frame, not your legs, and you can get away with having a few extras.”
Apple Cobbler blinked. “Uhhh… what?”
The organ music began. “Oh, we’re a little ahead of schedule! C'mon everypony, have a seat! The wedding is about to start!”
The last few Apple relatives shuffled in, turned over their invitations, failed to sign the guest book (like most guests), and took a seat. The Apple family had plenty of relatives, while Trixie had none, so they filled in both sides of the aisle. Twilight stood at the podium under a modest cloth canopy and cleared her throat. Several of the Apples whispered approval at the sight an alicorn to marry their latest family addition. Sweat trickled down Twilight’s neck under the stage lights Pinkie had set up. Looking at the crowd, she wondered, How many are here on account of me? I was hoping this would be a small family affair, but it looks like every Apple family member in Equestria is here!
Indeed, the Apples occupied the spacious barn, filling every seat, hay stack, stool, and in the case of foals, backs. She’d never seen so many earth ponies in one space before.
The organ music continued, solemn as a funeral dirge. The barn doors opened again, letting the sunlight stream in. Big Mac and Granny Smith walked down the aisle, all smiles. Braeburn tipped his hat with a goofy grin to his cousin as he passed, but couldn’t help but notice the sweat stains spreading around Big Mac’s collar and girth. Granny Smith walked with a thick cane instead of leaning on Big Mac, which Braeburn thought odd as he’d never seen Granny Smith use a cane like that before. She took her place in the front row, sighing as she clutched her walking aid close. Big Mac stood on the right side of the podium, shaking almost imperceptibly.
Next, the bridesmares and groomsmares filed in, alternating between the left and right sides of the aisle. Rarity and Applejack entered, taking up their spaces on either side of the podium. Applejack leaned closer to Big Mac and whispered something in his ear. She smiled, and he returned the gesture, but quivered even more.
Spike, decked out in his tuxedo and top hat, jogged down the aisle carrying an ornate red pillow. The rings rested proudly upon it, glinting in the sunlight as Spike stood beside Twilight. The whispers of the crowd silenced as three fillies gamboled down the aisle next, tossing flower petals with abandon. The Cutie Mark Crusaders weaved and bumped into each other in their haste to move to the correct side of the aisle. Their antics brought smiles and chuckles to the crowd. After all, how bad could the wedding be with such cute flower fillies?
Now the organ music changed pace. Twilight flared her wings and stared intently at the open barn doors. She didn’t need to say anything; the crowd stood, turned, and faced the open door, ready. A pair of mares appeared in the doorway. Trixie stood, resplendent in her veil, white dress, and pregnancy. Pinkie stood next to her, the proud parent of… well… okay she was just filling in because Trixie didn’t have any family. Still, Pinkie did her best to wear the dual hats of wedding coordinator and parent of the bride. Literally. She wore a worn bowler hat on top of her beret and blew bubbles on a corncob pipe. The sight of the two of them made the crowd go quiet. In shock.
Trixie trundled down the aisle, Pinkie pronking along beside her. Whispers followed in her wake.
“Ah didn’t know she were pregnant.”
“Well, she looks… uh… just darlin’.”
“At least they found an earth pony ta fill in fer her daddy.”
“Ah’m not sure that’s an earth pony. There’s unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies, an’ then there’s Pinkie.”
They reached the podium and took their places. Pinkie darted off to the side to sit in the director’s chair, next to Granny Smith in the front row. She took off her bowler hat, adjusted her beret, pulled out the script, and flipped several pages in.
Granny Smith leaned close to Pinkie and whispered. “Ya sure this’ll go off without a hitch? Err… with a hitch? Ah mean… ya know what Ah mean!”
Pinkie furrowed her brow and whispered back, “Darn it, I knew I should have included an index with the script. How am I going to find where we are in this thing?”
“It’s just a weddin’ program, ya don’t need…” Granny Smith trailed off with growing eyes as she watched Pinkie flip past the first hundred pages in her ‘program.’
“We’re gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony…” Twilight began. The crowd settled in for the speech. Granny Smith nodded, glassy eyes blinking, trying to stay awake.
“…Deeper and deeper and deeper into the depths of commitment…” Twilight continued. The Cutie Mark Crusaders giggled, drawing a sharp hiss from Pinkie, who looked at them with the holy fire only a wedding coordinator can bring forth. Granny Smith snored lightly.
“…Forever and ever and ever and ever, totally devoted to each other. Bound by the unbreakable chains of marriage…” Twilight showed no signs of speeding up. Braeburn shifted in his seat. He glanced down the row and saw a cowpony hat in every lap. His third-cousin-in-law’s roommate twice-removed pulled out a flask and took a squig when he thought nopony was looking. Braeburn nodded to himself with a smirk. Gonna be a good afterparty! he thought to himself.
“…Incredible commitment, impossibly deep love, and unfathomable responsibilities…” Twilight droned on. Rarity blew her nose as quietly as she could. No, Rarity. You won’t cry! she thought to herself. This is a beautiful ceremony, and you need to be strong in front of the newlyweds. They’re good ponies, doing what’s right for the new foal. Rarity sniffed and held back further tears.
“…A unity of two hearts becoming one flesh. Nothing can keep these two apart…” Twilight, unbeknownst to everypony except Pinkie, neared the end of her sermon. Pinkie nodded again and again as her eyes followed Twilight’s speech. Her smile grew wider and wider as Twilight droned on. She skipped ahead just a bit, her excitement and anticipation getting the better of her limited self-control. Suddenly, her smile vanished. She stared wide-eyed at the beginning of the next page.
“…If anypony believes these two shouldn’t be forever joined, speak now or forever hold your peace…” Twilight spoke the key phrase.
Pinkie lept to her hooves. Rainbow Dash stepped forward and opened her mouth, a proud smile on her face. Granny Smith opened her eyes.
“Yipe!”
Everypony froze with a gasp. Pinkie faced Rainbow Dash, ready to pounce on her and stop her objection. At the last moment, Pinkie realized she’d forgotten to delete Dash’s objection from the program. This wouldn’t do. Dash was ready to do her part as instructed, since Pinkie could be violent if anypony deviated from her plan.
Rainbow Dash quivered, staring at the barrel of the shotgun. Anypony near her could clearly see it reflected in her wide eyes. The shotgun did a far better job of shutting her up than even Pinkie’s dangerous glare, because it was both dangerous and unexpected. She never thought she’d be in a situation where such a thing would be pointed in her general direction.
Of course, it wasn’t pointed directly at her…
Trixie blinked in shock, looking at Big Mac’s tail.
Big Mac swallowed, his cold hooves frozen in place, and his crossed eyes staring at the barrel touching his nose. Granny Smith racked the slide on the shotgun and hissed, “Git… back… ta the altar!”
Chapter 12 - Love and Marriage, Go Together Like...
Big Mac shook like a leaf. The barrel of the shotgun pressed against his muzzle, causing it to squeak like a chew toy. He slowly turned around and stepped forward to the podium with a ridiculous, plastic smile on his face.
“N-Nopony objects! H-Heh…” Dash spoke loudly, stuttering. She drew a few eyes, but most of the attention focused on Trixie and Big Mac. She said this mostly for her own benefit, because Pinkie looked at her with murderous intent. Pinkie held the remote to her party cannons, strategically placed around the barn for the reception. Dash knew all too well how much damage a party cannon could do if aimed properly by Pinkie. She shuddered, trying not to think about the two ponies buried in shallow graves in the Everfree.
Those ponies tried to crash one of Pinkie’s parties. But that’s a long story, for another time…
Trixie flattened her ears, but it was hard to tell under the veil. Big Mac reached up with a shaky hoof and pulled the veil back. She tried to look good for the crowd, but those butterflies wouldn’t leave her insides. The Cutie Mark Crusaders stifled their giggles as they folded little paper boats and set them in the little pool in front of them. Trixie and Big Mac dripped sweat, so much so that it pooled at their hooves, giving the Crusaders an outlet to play in. Nopony noticed them playing in the disgusting liquid.
“Yeehaw, now it’s a real Apple weddin’!” Braeburn hollered.
“Yeah!”
“Can’t have a weddin’ without a shotgun!”
“So good ta see Big Mac keepin’ up the tradition!”
“Them’s the Ponyville branch for ya, all traditional like!”
Twilight, open-mouthed, snapped her eyes back down to regain her place in the program. “…D-Do you, Big Macintosh Apple, take this mare to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“A-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah…” Big Mac started. Granny Smith racked the shotgun again. “Ah do!” he finished quickly.
“And do you, Trixie Lulamoon, take this stallion to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Twilight asked.
Trixie stood, frozen. A moment of silence passed. Then another. A pony in the crowd coughed.
“Psst… line…” Trixie whispered out of the corner of her mouth to Pinkie.
Even Pinkie looked gobsmacked. “Are you kidding me?” she whispered back harshly. “It’s ‘I do!’ That’s it, that’s the whole line! How the heck does a pony forget the shortest, most simple line in the world?! Even fillies know this one! Did the foal eat your brain?! I wanna talk to the foal, get her out here…”
Granny Smith elbowed Pinkie in the ribs hard enough to knock most ponies over, but it only mildly irritated Pinkie. “Not now, it’s time fer the weddin’!” she whispered.
“Now,” Trixie announced.
Pinkie stomped, and her whisper carried around the room, “No, not ‘now,’ it’s ‘I do.’”
“Yes, it’s time now… we do,” Trixie smiled, sweat dripping down her neck.
The crowd cheered and stomped their hooves in applause. “Aww, ain’t that nice? She already sees herself as an Apple! Talkin’ ‘bout herself as ‘we.’ It’s time fer a party!” Braeburn called.
Twilight shrugged off the improper ‘I do’ and plowed onward. “Then, by the powers vested in me by being a fancy-schmancy Princess, and the four-hour correspondence course sponsored by the Baltimare church of ‘Send us more Donations,’ I now pronounce you Mare and Stallion. You may now kiss the bride.” The crowd went wild. Big Mac leaned in for a kiss. Pinkie pushed Dash one step to the left, then pressed the button on her party cannon remote. The room erupted in confetti, streamers, balloons, and one of the cannons fired a fully stocked hors d'oeuvres table, with an ice swan in the middle. It landed right where Dash stood a moment ago.
“You were planning to kill me with an ice swan if I said the wrong thing?!” Dash cried. “Awesome…” she added under her breath.
“I don’t know why I had to say ‘fancy-schmancy’ in the wedding vows, Pinkie. I still think I should have gone with ‘awesome,’ because it might have increased my chances of getting to experiment with Rainbow Dash once she’s drunk…!” Twilight blushed. “You didn’t hear that!”
Indeed, Pinkie didn’t hear Twilight’s words, on account of the cheering, and party cannons… and the screaming, of course.
“AHHHHH!” Trixie collapsed into Big Mac’s forelegs. He dipped her, planting a passionate kiss on her mouth. She screamed into his.
Lyra wiped a tear from her eye. “It’s so beautiful.”
Rarity blew her nose. “Oh, it is wonderful, isn’t it?”
“Hello? Aren’t you forgetting something?” Spike asked, proffering the rings.
Fluttershy flattened her ears against the sounds, but smiled nevertheless.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “That don’t look like much ta me. Looks like she’s screamin’ inta his mouth, not kissin’ ‘im.” Applejack leaned in a bit closer to the newlyweds, peering at Trixie.
Big Mac released his kiss, a look of relief on his face. Trixie sucked in another breath, hugged Big Mac with a death grip, and screamed again. Spike, grumbling, slipped the ring on Trixie’s horn and Big Mac’s forelock. Trixie’s face contorted into a mask of pain.
“Ah, heh-heh, t-time for a drink. R-Right Rainbow Dash? I mean, everypony? Look, marriage!” Twilight said, pointing at the newlyweds.
Trixie’s entire body relaxed as she stopped screaming. Huffing and puffing, she put both forehooves on her belly. “T-Trixie will t-take that d-drink now.”
“S-Sorry mah love. Ya can’t drink while th’ foal’s in ya,” Big Mac replied. “My love. Ah, Ah can’t believe Ah’m married! This is the happiest day o’ mah life. Ah was scared at first, but s’not so bad. Ah’m still me, yer still you, and nothing’s changed. Ah mean, not really, not like when the foal gits here. Why do ya look like ya ate a bad apple? We git ta celebrate!”
“Trixie is afraid the foal is here.”
Big Mac looked at her, cocked his head, put his hoof over Trixie’s belly, and said, “Yeah, she’s right here, so what?”
Trixie looked up at Big Mac, her face crinkling in pain. “No, the foal is coming out n-OOOOWWWWWWW!” she cried. The cheering in the room morphed into cries of confusion.
Pinkie glared at Trixie’s stomach. Rainbow Dash put herself between Pinkie and Trixie, flaring her wings out. “You can’t just… do whatever it is you’re thinking about! It’s just a little foal, we need a plan!”
Pinkie blinked, nodded, and looked back at her ‘program.’ Rapidly flipping pages, she mumbled, “Now where was it?”
Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight, her face full of panic. “What do we do? This isn’t part of the wedding plan!”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. She froze for a moment, giving Pinkie the initiative. Pinkie slapped a hoof at the section in the program she flipped to and declared, “Here it is! Plan foxtrot-omega-alpha-lima,” she spoke into the speaker on her remote. “Execute!”
Twilight blinked, clacked her jaw shut and said, “What a minute— you had a plan for Trixie having the foal at the wedding?!”
“Yeperooni!” Pinkie replied cheerfully. She pressed a big red button on her remote, the one labeled, ‘Do not touch. No seriously, don’t press this, it’s super dangerous.’
That’s when the roof of the barn exploded.
Chapter 13 - The Most Beautiful/Disgusting Thing Ever
Everypony cowered as bits of wood flew up and out, and sunlight poured in. Pandemonium ensued.
“We’re all gonna die!” “We’re under attack!” “Git mah shotgun! Ah won’t let them aliens probe me again!”
“Pinkie! Did you just blow up mah barn roof?!” Applejack snapped.
“What did you think I meant when I asked if you wanted a party that would blow your roof off?” Pinkie replied, nonchalant.
“Ah didn’t mean— Dangnabbit, nevermind.” Applejack sighed and tugged on the brim of her hat. “What do we do now?”
Big Mac look up at Twilight, then back at Trixie, then at Pinkie, then at Trixie, then at Granny Smith, then at Trixie again. His confusion and horror grew with each second.
Spike reached behind himself with a sigh and pulled out a pair of illuminated marshalling wands. He waved them downwards in an ‘X’ pattern. Pinkie stood on the other side of the wedding couple, looking straight up into the sky. “What in Tartarus is going on?” Twilight asked. “Spike? What are you doing?”
“I’m signaling—”
“Shhhh!” Pinkie shushed him. “You do your job, or you don’t get the emeralds!” Spike closed his mouth, but not before a bit of drool escaped.
“Land?” Rainbow Dash asked, looking at Spike. “But I’m already on the ground.”
“Not you— oh never mind. It’ll take too long to explain,” Pinkie said. Suddenly her ears perked up. “About time!”
Twilight hyperventilated. “Ohmygosh-ohmygosh, we only have a few minutes before the foal is going to be here! We’ll never get her out of that wedding dress in time! We need—”
“Nurse Redheart?” Fluttershy asked, looking up.
Twilight looked up as well, following Pinkie’s gaze. Nurse Redheart, along with a significant load of medical equipment, floated down in a purple hot air balloon. She spoke to a little filly, also with a medical cutie mark, next to her in the basket.
“Forceps?”
“Check.”
“Scalpel?”
“Check.”
“Heat lamp?”
“Check.”
“Happy juice?”
“I can’t serve a pregnant mare alcohol! I’m underage!”
“Not that happy juice, I mean the class-six painkillers; the ones that cause permanent catatonia if you give an extra milliliter.”
“Oh, yeah, I can totally administer those,” said the filly, who couldn’t have been older than the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Check.”
“Assistant?” Nurse Redheart asked with a smirk.
“Check!” the little filly replied with a grin. The balloon landed, along with the eyes of most ponies since they followed the balloon down.
“Can we help? Maybe we can get medical cutie marks!” the Crusaders asked eagerly.
Twilight looked down at them. “No, but you can help get the wedding dress off of Trixie. Hurry, we don’t have much time!”
“Psshhh, we already did that,” Scootaloo replied.
“What?” Twilight and Dash asked dumbly. They looked down at Trixie to find her undressed, with Big Mac holding her in a sitting position. She panted, tears welling in her eyes. “How did you remove her dress so fast?”
“Yeah, took me over an hour ta git that thing on!” Applejack said in awe.
“We jus’ helped Pinkie,” Apple Bloom replied.
“Yeah, I never thought you could do that with a socket wrench,” Sweetie Belle supplied.
“What?” Twilight looked at Pinkie, who dusted off her hooves. A socket wrench held in her forelock drew Twilight’s eye. “HOW DID YOU REMOVE A WEDDING DRESS WITH A SOCKET WRENCH?”
Pinkie looked at Twilight, one brow raised. “I didn’t. Twilight, that would be silly. Removing a wedding dress with just a socket wrench… please,” Pinkie mumbled. She brightened up and ‘explained,’ “I had to use a socket wrench, a nail file, and a plunger! How else would you get it done?”
“You— bu… wh-what?” Twilight stammered.
“You were incredible, Pinkie,” Fluttershy said, eyes wide.
“I’ve never seen a performance like it. Darling, you’re one talented mare!” Rarity complimented.
“That was like, the coolest thing ever!” the other bridesmares chimed in.
“Breathe, honey, just breathe,” Big Mac said, trying to get Trixie to breathe in a regular rhythm.
Twilight sucked in another breath and held it. Her cheeks puffed out, and her face turned purple…er. She stepped close and leaned over Trixie, inspecting her belly. Twilight exhaled in a great rush, allowing her entire body to relax. “Oh, this is just false labor again. Trixie’s water hasn’t broken, so—”
SPLOOSH!
“Here we go!” Nurse Redheart announced. She roughly shoved Dash and Applejack aside and knelt at Trixie’s ‘business end.’ “Keep her breathing, Big Mac. You’ll be a father in twenty minutes or less, or I’m a griffon’s aunt.” Big Mac’s eyes grew wide, his entire body trembling. She noticed the ring on Trixie’s horn. “Oh, my mistake; you’ll be a married father in twenty minutes. Congratulations!”
Now it was Big Mac’s turn to hyperventilate.
“Ewww, what is that stuff?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“It don’t smell too good,” Apple Bloom added.
“Mrs. Apple, did you just pee?” Scootaloo asked with a halo above her head.
Twilight’s left eye twitched. She slowly lowered her gaze to look at her own hooves. She stood in a puddle of sweat and ‘water.’ Trixie, being a reasonably healthy mare, released several gallons of ‘water.’ Plenty for Twilight to stand in.
Twilight back-stepped and quivered. “Ew-w-w-w-w…” she mumbled under breath.
“Oh my…” Fluttershy breathed. “Don’t worry, Trixie, this will all be over soon.”
Trixie screwed her eyes shut and let loose a fantastic scream. Everypony grit their teeth and flattened their ears against the sound. Once she stopped yelling—because she had no more air in her lungs—Trixie collapsed into Big Mac’s forelegs. Sweat pouring down her brow, she smiled a tired smile. “F-F-For m-my next trick, I’ll p-pull a f-foal out of my box. D-Don’t blink, I can only d-do th-this once,” she said weakly.
The ponies at the alter gaped at her. Nurse Redheart’s brows arched up as she said, “A pregnant mare with a sense of humor? Now I’ve seen everything.” Trixie’s face contorted in pain again as she let out another cry. Redheart looked down and nodded. “Oh, a hoof. Well, I’ve seen that before, but it never ceases to amaze me! Ready to push again?”
Big Mac looked down at the mare in his legs. His pupils grew large, as if they would expand and make his eyes entirely black. Trixie panted, shook, and looked up at her husband. “D-Don’t try a d-disappearing act. You w-won’t b-be around f-for the ap-plause if-f this works.”
Granny Smith racked the shotgun again, but Big Mac spoke. “Ah don’t plan on leaving. Ah’m just scared, s’all. Ah never had a foal before.”
“S-Stupid s-stallion. You d-don’t have to do anything. T-Trixie is the one g-giving birth.” Another wave of pain wracked Trixie’s body. Crying, she looked at Big Mac through her tears and hollered at him, “You did this!”
Nurse Redheart smirked. “Now that sounds more like a pregnant mare. Let it all out, I’m ready!”
Redheart’s assistant sat next to her, pounding a hoof into a catcher’s mitt on the other hoof. “I’m ready, too!” she said, turning the mitt towards Trixie.
The next contraction shot through Trixie. She expelled the pain with an expletive inappropriate for, well, anypony.
Far away in the Canterlot gardens…
All of the birds took flight, like a great, winged wave. Princess Luna gaped for a moment at the sudden movement and sound. “That is the loudest profanity we’ve ever heard,” she said out loud.
Trixie thought her lungs would break. “Th-This is impossible! There’s an ursa major up there!”
Redheart’s assistant pounded the mitt again. “Almost there.”
Trixie screamed as the next push somehow hurt even more. “T-Trixie is done now,” she said, panting. “N-No more.”
“C’mon Trixie, you’re almost there. Don’t you want to see your foal?” Nurse Redheart asked.
Trixie screamed and arched her back. Big Mac held her in his powerful limbs, keeping her upright so gravity could assist her. “Breathe in, then out. Slow like. Ya kin do this. Ah kin see a pair o’ hooves, yer almost done!”
Trixie wept, looked up at Big Mac, and mumbled, “Th-This is fine. T-Trixie is d-done now. Let’s g-go home. Yes?” she asked hopefully.
Granny Smith stood nearby, the upright and noble matriarch of the Apple family. “You are home. Now push that foal out an’ you kin rest. Just like every good, earth-pony Apple in this here family goin’ back a hunerd’ generations!”
Trixie cried out again, but this time the crowd gasped. Nurse Redheart smiled. “The foal’s crowning. You’re almost done. One more good push, Trixie; you can do it!”
With tears in her eyes, Trixie looked at Granny Smith. “Y-You’d accept a unic-corn like T-Trixie? The b-black sheep of her perfect all-unicorn f-family? The f-first in t-twenty generations not t-to go to c-college?”
Granny Smith scoffed. “O’ course Ah don’t care none. No Apple’s been ta college in memory. Ah don’t care, but Ah know we don’t abandon family. An’ yer family. Now push!”
Trixie gave out one last cry. Everypony gasped, especially Big Mac.
“WAHHHHHHHH!”
Even the birds outside seemed to fall silent for an instant. The foal’s cry carried throughout the barn to every ear, before leaving through the missing roof. Sunlight poured in, like a spotlight, on the altar and the newlyweds.
Nurse Redheart took the foal out of the catcher’s mitt, and swaddled the foal in a clean cloth. “Clamps,” she commanded.
The assistant tossed aside the wet catcher’s mitt. It hit Applejack in her shocked face and slid to the floor with a plop, yet Applejack’s expression remained unchanged. Nurse Redheart set the foal aside on another cloth, switched on a heat lamp, and snapped a pair of clamps onto the umbilical cord. “Do you want to cut it?” Nurse Redheart asked Big Mac.
Big Mac started at Trixie, and she at him. He mumbled something unintelligible, something lovey-dovey, mushy, and useless. Nurse Redheard shrugged. “Scissors,” she commanded.
Trixie didn’t react or notice when the scissors snapped closed and cut her off from her foal. “Shhhh,” the assistant cooed, trying to quiet the foal. She turned the heat lamp up to maximum, and the foal quieted.
Nurse Redheart held out a hoof. “Erythromycin,” she commanded. She rubbed a few drops into the foal’s eyes, eliciting more fussing. Big Mac and Trixie still stared, but now smiled at each other.
“What in tarnation…” Granny Smith breathed out.
Nurse Redheart switched off the heat lamp, took the bundle, and presented it to Trixie and Big Mac. “Congratulations,” she said with fanfare. “It’s a healthy—”
The crowd whispered, sharp words followed by sharp intakes of breath.
“—baby colt. You’ll have a great deal of work on your hooves soon. Do you have any plans to contain this one?”
Trixie reached out for the bundle and took it with her hooves, not with her magic. “Look, look what we have now!” Trixie said, almost laughing.
Big Mac nodded. “Eeeyup!”
Nurse Redheart tilted her head. “Hello? I don’t mean to be pushy, but there’s no roof here. You two need to get inside. You need to take the swaddle off and hold the foal to your belly so he can nurse, and I don’t want any accidents. You don’t want to lose your new foal!” she said with mirth.
A murderous look came over Granny Smith’s face. She racked the shotgun again. Trixie looked at Redheart. “What? How would we lose our new foal?”
Nurse Redheart smirked and replied:
“Congratulations again on your new, baby pegasus colt. Now get inside before he flies away!”
About ten months ago, while Ponyville was under Trixie’s iron hoof.
“What are we gonna do, Thunderlane?”
Thunderlane swallowed the lump in his throat and turned to his precious little brother, Rumble. “Don’t worry, little guy. Your big brother’s got a plan to make this all better.”
Rumble didn’t look convinced. “How? Not even Twilight Sparkle could beat Trixie in a duel. Now we’re all stuck in a giant snow globe!” He pointed to the glass dome far above his head. “What am I gonna do if Snips or Snails can’t pull her carriage anymore and she needs a new colt? Her carriage doesn’t have any wheels. I’m gonna be swaybacked before I’m a stallion!” Rumble whimpered, his lower lip quivering. “I’m too cute for slavery!”
Thunderlane smirked. “Damned right you are.” Thunderlane knelt down and put a hoof on Rumble’s shoulder. “Just let your big brother handle this; I’ve got a way with the mares, trust me.”
“You mean like Cloudchaser? I heard you two were ‘taking a break’.”
“W-Well, yeah. Cause… I’m just too much for her!” Thunderlane stuttered, but recovered with a grin.
“And my foalsitter, Flitter? I heard Cloudchaser yelling at you last week about chasing Flitter’s tail. And the next day, Flitter didn’t seem happy with you either.”
“Th-That was just a little misunderstanding,” Thunderlane explained. “You see—”
“Before that it was Blossomforth. I liked her,” Rumble said wistfully. “She always gave me candy when she came over. Why’d she stop? Is it because you’re a filly-and-er-er… I think that’s what she called you. Did she fall on her head? You’re not a filly, or an ‘er,’ whatever that is.”
Thunderlane looked downcast. “Yeah, she hit her head, and, uh… needed to visit the doctor. She’ll be back…” He blushed and sighed. “I hope,” he added under his breath.
“Plus those other mares you’re always tryin’ to talk to. I remember you rubbin’ noses with Meadow Flower, and before that you did the same thing with Sassaflash, and before that you introduced me to Wildfire. You know, now that I think about it, all those mares ended up not likin’ you and never came back to the house. Gosh, I hope that doesn’t happen with Flitter; I like her as a foalsitter.”
Thunderlane cleared his throat. “Th-That won’t happen with Flitter. She’s a nice mare, and as soon as I can get her to believe me when—”
“Oh, I almost forgot about that time Clear Skies and Derpy hooves arrived at the house at the same time for a date. Clear Skies got real mad, but Derpy just looked all embarrassed. I know you sent me up to my room, but I heard Clear Skies yelling from downstairs. By the way, what’s a threesome?”
“Nothing! It’s nothing, Rumble, don’t worry about all that, you precocious little scamp,” Thunderlane said, sweating bullets.
“And whatever happened to Sunshower Raindrops, Wind Chill, and Cloudkicker? They all seemed to visit one day after the other, and then all of a sudden I never saw ‘em again. An’ the next day, the windows on your carriage were all smashed, and all that spray paint appeared on it. Did you ever figure out who the mean pony was? You know, the one that wrote ‘pig’ over and over on your carriage?”
Thunderlane held a plastic smile for the trio of flower mares that walked by. Thier glares told him that yes, they had overheard Rumble. “Rumble, ut-shay up-yay efore-bay ou-yay et-gay e-may into-yay ouble-tray!”
Rumble looked at Thunderlane with wide eyes. “Oh, is this why some mean pony wrote pig on your carriage, because you speak that pig-something languge? I remember your lessons, big brother! Okay, let me try… um… igs-pay ill-way y-flay efore-bay y-may other-bray inds-fay a-way over-lay!” The mares looked at the two of them like a compass at the north pole, confused and lost. “That means: ‘I love my awesome brother who taught me how to fly and speak pig’... right?” Rumble whispered.
Before Thunderlane could respond, the ground trembled. Thunderlane, Rumble, and several other denizens of Ponyville watched in horror as Snips and Snails rounded the corner at the far end of the lane. Grunting and heaving, they pulled a massive ‘sleigh’ through the mud, churning up a trench behind them. Trixie looked on imperiously, cracking a whip across their flanks whenever they lagged. “Onward! Trixie is thirsty!” She spied an empty rain barrel along the street. “A spy!” she cried, and blasted it to cinders. “Trixie doesn’t trust barrels, they’re too much like wheels.”
Everypony backed away from the demon-eyed Trixie as the vehicle ground to a stop in front of the Punch Bowl. Snips and Snails collapsed into the mud, face first, gasping for air. “N-No more, Great, Powerful, and Beautiful Trixie!” Snips cried.
Trixie raised a single eyebrow. “And?”
“...And… uh… wise! And, and, uh, trusting!” Snips quaked in fear, squeezing his eyes shut.
Trixie stared at him. Suddenly, a smile broke across her face. “Yes… that’s right. Trixie is all of those things. Trixie… is perfect,” she purred, looking around at the townsfolk. “ISN’T SHE?!”
The sudden fury on her face made everypony kneel, bow, or run away. Thunderlane bowed, hugging Rumble under a wing. He heard the crunch of gravel, and looked up to find Trixie towering over him, a devilish smirk on her face.
Thunderlane couldn’t believe it. Now, of all times, he felt heat rising in his body. He swallowed, tried to smile, and said, “O-Oh, what a beautiful and wise unicorn you are.” Snips had called her those things, right? He hoped so; her moods were so fickle, and he didn’t want to anger her.
“And trusting,” she replied, looking down on him.
“Yes! So trusting. Why, anypony could just gallop right up to to you and steal your amulet, buck you in the back of the head, and run away without any... punishments.” He let the last word drip off his tongue. His mind flashed to several secret fantasies, each one putting him in grave peril. His heart raced, for many reasons.
Trixie gasped. “How could you say such a thing? What pony would do that?”
Thunderlane quivered; he felt lightheaded and hot. “Nopony would do that to such a beautiful and perfect mare.” He almost meant what he said. Given the chance, he’d gladly buck this mare into the mud and free the town. He wasn’t sure if he could do that on a good day, and today, she had that amulet....
Trixie sighed and nodded. “Yes, that’s right. It would be foolish for anypony to even think of such a thing.” She snorted, smirked, and puffed her chest out. Her eyes glowed with the power of the amulet as she turned away from him and towards the pub.
“Well, almost perfect.” Thunderlane couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t actually believe he said it until the words tumbled out of his mouth. Oh, Celestia, I hope this works!
“Excuse me?” Trixie whirled on him, like a viper.
“Oh, Trixie is a perfect beauty. Flawless. It’s that amulet. It looks all wrong on you. Jewelry is wasted on you, wasted! You’re absolutely perfect; anything else besides you just makes you look…” Thunderlane watched her, gauging the danger. He didn’t finish his sentence because he felt quite sure he’d be dead if he did.
Trixie’s expression flashed from fury, to confusion, to contemplation, to looking at her amulet. She looked at Thunderlane, the ponies, the pub, and finally, to Rumble, quivering under Thunderlane’s wing. She smirked. “Perhaps you’re right. Trixie is perfect, and doesn’t need the Alicorn Amulet…” Everypony stopped breathing. Did they have a chance at freedom? “But it belongs to her, and NOPONY shall have it!” Trixie declared.
Thunderlane couldn’t stop her if he wanted to. She lit her horn, and her aura surrounded him. She peeled away his wing and held Rumble by his hind legs. The little colt whimpered, but stayed boneless in her magic. Trixie idly tossed Thunderlane aside and walked up to the levitating colt. Thunderlane stayed on the ground but looked up, fear racing up his spine like an electric current. Trixie gave him a quick smirk and a wink before she summoned a large, water-filled crystal tank below Rumble. Her horn flashed twice, then Trixie sighed. The Alicorn Amulet slipped off her neck. She pushed the jewelry into Rumble’s chest, then released her spell.
“Thunderlane! Help—” Rumble fell into the tank with a splash. Trixie flipped the lid, and locked the tank with a deft flick of her hoof. Rumble put both hooves on the wall of the tank, pressing his adorable face against it. He tried to talk, but only bubbles came out. He stuffed both forehooves into his mouth in panic.
Trixie sighed, then looked at the colt in the death trap and rolled her eyes. “Hold onto the amulet, fool. I’ve enchanted it to let you breath water.” Rumble scrambled for the forgotten trinket, and held it to his chest. He sucked in water, but apparently this didn’t bother him.
“I’ll get you out of there!” Thunderlane shouted. He charged at the tank and rammed into it with all of his might.
Nearby ponies tensed up, coiled like springs, ready to pounce on her. Trixie sauntered up to Thunderlane, who’d bounced off the tank like a ping pong ball and lay in a heap. She spoke to him, loudly, so the others could hear. “Trixie is both trusting, and wise. She’s decided to be extra beautiful and perfect tonight, so that you can properly worship her, but Trixie isn’t a fool. The Alicorn Amulet belongs to Trixie, and Trixie alone. It’s the only thing keeping your little brother alive now. If he were to lose it, Trixie is quite sure he’d drown.” She smiled, watching Thunderlane squirm without even touching him. “And nopony wants that, now do we?!” she screeched to the crowd.
Everypony quivered in fear and shook their heads. Trixie smirked, and held a foreleg out with her eyes blissfully closed. After a moment, she cracked one eye open, and used it to glare at Thunderlane. “Oh, right!” Thunderlane took her hoof and kissed it like an inept teenager, slobbering on her hoof. He looked up at her with what he believed to be adoring passion.
She blinked at the slobber on her fetlock and the dopey stallion at her hooves. She wiped her hoof on his forelock with a sigh, then put the same hoof to her temple. “Oh, Trixie has a headache. Shall we get a drink, right now?”
Thunderlane blinked at her sudden, and perfectly pleasant tone of voice. “Y-Yes, of course, let’s go.” Thunderlane stood, put a wing over Trixie, and the two of them walked into The Punch Bowl like a perfectly normal couple.
As they pushed past the swinging doors, Trixie shrugged off Thunderlane’s wing. “Trixie doesn’t need protection. Trixie can take care of herself.”
Thunderlane blushed, and said in a breathy voice, “Of course, Great and Powerful Trixie.” The Punch Bowl had more patrons than normal, since many townsfolk tried to numb the prospects of living under a snow globe for the rest of their lives. When they spied Trixie, the boisterous crowd quieted, the music stopped, and the barkeep slipped his hooves under the bar.
The Great and Powerful Trixie desires companionship!” the petite mare yelled as she entered The Punch Bowl. “The Great and Powerful Trixie needs a Great and Powerful Companion that they might produce a Great and Powerful heir for her Great and Powerful Kingdom!” Trixie sauntered up to the bar, each step accompanied by the jingle of spurs. Trixie moved as if half-drunk already, trailing a hoof across the piano player’s withers. He stiffened at her touch. She stopped at the bar, rapped her hooves on it twice, and said, “Absinthe, with a sugarcube, if you would, good barkeep.” Her brow fell flat, she glanced to the other end of the bar and said, “and will you please stop that? Trixie doesn’t need sound effects every time she takes a step!”
A mousey stallion at the other end of the bar sheepishly put away his tiny pair of cymbals.
The barkeeper puffed once more on his cigar, set it down, and pulled out his tools of the trade. He poured a green liquid over a sugarcube and into a tall wine glass. “Six bits.”
Trixie glared at him. “Are you serious? Look at me! Trixie is far too beautiful and powerful to pay for drinks.” She gestured at her trim figure. “And one more for my… date.”
Thunderlane wasted no time trotting across the pub to stand next to Trixie. He’d never refused free cider in his life. Well, this would be the only time in his life he’d ever had an offer of free cider… but still! “Hard cider please.” He couldn’t believe his good luck.
They picked up their drinks. Trixie abruptly wrapped a hoof around Thunderlane and pulled him close, like a filly with a large plushie. “To the Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie said, raising her glass. She turned to the rest of the bar, only to find it empty, except for the barkeep, piano player, and the small stallion with the cymbals. “Oh well, no free cider for them. They weren’t worthy of Trixie anyway,” Trixie said with a smirk.
Thunderlane, his head already at her side, slid a bit lower as she turned. He felt lightheaded, because she gripped him so tight… or perhaps because she held him to her naked belly and he got an eyeful of Trixie’s—
Gulp
Thunderlane reluctantly looked up as Trixie set down an empty glass. “Whoa,” he whispered to himself.
“Another!” Trixie demanded. Thunderlane sipped his drink, but Trixie didn’t let him go. On the contrary, once she got another drink, she sat on a barstool and leaned back into the bar with a sigh. “Now isn’t this nice?” she asked. She held his head against her, idly stroking his mane. “Uhhh, my head…” Trixie moaned. She downed another glass of absinthe.
“Th-This is s-so nice,” Thunderlane mumbled. He downed his drink, and rested into Trixie. “You’re so nice.”
“Really? Nopony’s ever called Trixie nice. Hmm….” Trixie ran her hoof further along Thunderlane’s neck and down his back. “Another, for both of us, barkeep.” Thunderlane’s eyes went wide. He drank absinthe once before in his life; it amazed him to see her down it so fast. “Bottom’s up,” Trixie ordered.
“Yes ma'am,” Thunderlane said, like a slave.
They downed their drinks again. Trixie ran her hoof even lower, brushing his mane, back, and wing. He shivered, then she reached his pinion. “An-hic-other barcreep,” Trixie slurred.
Thunderlane stood, his wings flared behind him. “I-I-I gotta… uh… use the bathroom.” His eyes darted every which way, searching. The barkeep pointed to the other end of the bar, past the only remaining patron, who had passed out.
Trixie shrugged, and sipped her drink. She blinked one eye, then the other. “Trixie iss in ch-hic-arge. Sho why do-hic-shn’t she feel…”
The patron at the other end of the bar suddenly woke up and said, “Ya don’t need power ta feel good.” He chuckled and added under his alcohol-soaked breath, “But if’n ya use power over that stallion he’s gonna—”
“Ahhhhh!” Thunderlane exclaimed, coming out of the bathroom. He seemed upbeat and alert as he took his seat next to Trixie. He smirked, a dopey expression on his face. “Hey there, good lookin’, you come here often?”
Trixie looked at him like he’d grown a second head. The stallion at the other end of the bar chuckled and said, “You ain’t no Cassanova.”
“Oh, my head,” Trixie moaned. She stood and swayed to the bathroom, turning to the right, just as Thunderlane did.
“Uh… that’s the stallions’—” the barkeep started, but Trixie staggered into the bathroom anyway.
“Whew!” Thunderlane let out a big sigh and relaxed against the bar. “That was a big release... I mean, relief!” he quickly corrected himself. The patron and bartender snickered.
“Ugh! Barcreep, you’re shkillsh at shanitration is… is… you suck at cleaning!” Trixie exclaimed as she staggered back to her barstool. “You left wat-hic-er on the s-seat. You owe Trixshie another absence!” The barkeep quivered under her drunken gaze. He poured her another.
“You sure that were water?” the patron asked quietly. She ignored him.
“Ugh, you’re no fun,” Trixie groaned as Thunderlane tried and failed miserably to fondle Trixie with inept hooves.
Thunderlane seemed to sober up rather quickly. “What?” was all he managed to say.
Trixie laughed. “You might work better as a carriage puller. Unless you know another stallion who can entertain me?”
Thunderlane shot out of the bar with all of the speed he could muster.
Thunderlane paced back and forth in front of Rumble. It had been hours since Big Mac had agreed to do his best in Thunderlane’s place. He just didn’t know what to do. Rumble still clutched the Alicorn Amulet to his chest, breathing normally.
Suddenly, the doors swung open. Big Mac and Trixie strode out, laughing. She leaned on him heavily; it looked like they both had plenty. “…An’ that’s how ya plow a field,” Big Mac finished. He smiled at her. “Ya sure are a nice mare.”
As they walked by Rumble, Trixie idly bucked the tank holding Rumble, causing it to crack and shatter. Rumble coughed several times, laying in a puddle of water and crystaline shards. Trixie took up the Alicorn Amulet in her aura, and snapped it back on before anypony could react. She gave Big Mac a devilish grin.
“Rumble!” Thunderlane darted to his brother and helped him up. Rumble was still coughing and sopping wet, as Thunderlane led him away. “I was so worried about you.”
He didn’t watch as Trixie and Big Mac disappeared around the bend toward the Apple family farmhouse.
Three months after the wedding
Thunderlane bucked the cloud, blowing it apart. “I swear, I don’t have any other special someponies.”
Cloudchaser angrily bucked another cloud. “You changed the schedule just so you could talk to me,” she said, her voice flat.
“Yeah.”
“You’ve said you’re sorry, like, a hundred times.”
“Yeah.”
“And you tried to get in bed with my best friend!”
“...Yeah,” he replied sadly.
“How can I trust you?” Cloudchaser asked, truly looking at him for the first time in a year.
“You can trust me, I promise!” he almost shouted back. Hope blossomed in his chest. She hadn’t so much as looked at him until now. “I know I’m not perfect, but please give me another chance. I… I figured out what’s important to me. About a year ago, I almost lost Rumble. I realized how much I like that little colt, and I couldn’t stop thinking about losing him. I… I feel the same way when I think about losing you.”
Cloudchaser stopped her weather work and eyed him. She lifted his chin with a forehoof. He wasn’t sure if she planned to line up his face for a kiss or a buck. “You have a wandering eye, Thunderlane.”
He blushed in shame. “…Yeah. B-But I don’t have any foals running around,” returning to a point from previous arguments. “I haven’t even tried to sleep with any other mares for a over year! Honest!”
She tilted her head. Slowly, they descended, until they stood on a little, leftover cloud. “You promise me you won’t chase any other mares? Cross your heart, hope to fly?”
“Stick a cupcake in my eye!” Thunderlane said, pantomiming the required motions.
“Good!” She leaned in and kissed him, full on the lips. He smiled. She leaned back, and smiled herself… Then spun around and bucked him right in the muzzle. “That one’s for Flitter!”
He lay on his back, both forehooves on his bleeding nose. Cloudchaser quirked an eyebrow when she noticed his wings flared out behind him. Not after the kiss, but after she bucked him in the nose. Oh, I think I know how to keep those eyes from wandering she thought to herself with a smirk.
Far below them, Big Mac and Trixie walked along the edge of the field. “Trixie needs more sleep.”
Big Mac smiled, and glanced over his shoulder. “Apple Feather finally fell asleep,” he rumbled. The foal liked to sleep on either of his parents’ backs while they walked. Something about the motion soothed him.
Trixie hauled the last basket of apples into the barn, then took Apple Feather in her magic. His eyes twitched behind the lids, but he remained asleep. She put him on her own back, then they walked into the house. “There’s mah great-grandcolt! Bring ‘em here,” Granny Smith demanded once Trixie walked into the door.
Trixie floated the sleeping colt into Granny Smith’s lap. She continued to rock in her favorite rocking chair, keeping the foal asleep. Applejack sidled up next to Trixie. “Ya git all the apples bucked?”
Trixie sighed. “Yes.”
“Fix the weathervane?”
“Yes.”
“Repair the fence along the south end?”
“Yes.”
“Help Apple Bloom with her homework?”
“Yes.”
“Wash the dirty diapers?”
Trixie crinkled her nose, but replied, “Yes.”
“Do everything the earth pony way, without magic?”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “Of course not. Trixie isn’t going to waste time not using her Great and—” Granny Smith shot her a look. “Ahem, Trixie used magic and refuses to do things without it. Trixie is a busy new mother, and needs all the help she can get.”
Applejack sighed. “Ah’m gonna make an Apple outta you yet. Ya see—”
“Leave ‘er be, AJ. ‘S hard enough with a foal, she kin do whatever works fer her,” Granny Smith said from her rocking chair of authority.
“B-But—”
“No buts! Now everypony git washed up. Time fer supper, then ta bed. Gonna be a long night again; we all need as much sleep as we kin git,” Granny Smith commanded. She looked at the bundle in her lap and cooed, “Ain’t that right, little one? Yer gonna keep us up again, ain’t cha? That’s jus’ the nature o’ foals.”
Big Mac and Trixie looked extra tired. Each had bags under their eyes, and made sluggish movements. “Trixie would like a few hours of sleep, if that’s alright with her wonderful, helpful grandmother-in-law.”
Granny Smith looked up with a smirk. “Flattery, eh? Ya think that’ll work with me?” Apple Feather made a sound only a foal can make, still asleep. “Well, ya make quite the argument there, little colt. Ah reckon Ah’ll watch ya fer a spell.”
Trixie smiled and whispered to Big Mac, “Did you pick up the prescription from the pharmacy?”
“Eeeyup!” he whispered back.
“That’s bad for us,” Trixie replied. Big Mac gave her a questioning look. “Because we won’t get any sleep tonight,” she finished, flashing him a wicked smirk.
“Ah’ll make some coffee,” Big Mac announced.
“That’s right kind of ya, Big Mac,” Applejack said with a smile. “Ah already got dinner started. Don’t forget ta wash up.” She turned to the kitchen and called out, “Apple Bloom, ya finished settin’ the table?”
“Yeah, with shiny plates!” she called back.
Applejack chuckled and said, “Ah guess ya got a handle on things, Trixie.”
Trixie nuzzled up against Big Mac, hiding her forehoof that snaked under his barrel. Big Mac tensed, his eyes wide. “Yes, Trixie does have her hooves on what she wants…”
