At Least There Was Good Coffee
“Oh, darling!” Filthy Rich peeked his head out of their bedroom doorway. Hearthswarming was approaching swiftly, and it was his favorite time of year. “Could you come here for a second?”
He'd spent the past hour wrapping three piles of gifts. There was, of course, the pile for the help, which was one of the reasons he did the wrapping himself (the other being that part of him really enjoyed it… after all, keeping true to your roots was important). The next pile was for his lovely wife, including a portrait commissioned from one of Moneigh’s finest pupils. And then finally, Diamond Tiara’s pile. The largest, because after all, wasn't Hearthswarming truly about the children?
Spoiled put down that month's gossip rag (it was all about Silver Screen’s alleged affair again anyway) and made her way down the hall. “What is iiiiooooh, presents!” She made a line right for the biggest pile. “Fil, darling. You really shouldn't h--” She looked from the largest pile to what she now realized was her own. “Oh. You're really running out of time to finish your shopping, Filthy. I mean, really.” And with that, she left the room.
And Filthy Rich decided something needed to be done.
“March! Call for you!”
March Gustysnows looked up from her coffee and newspaper. This was usually her time to relax in the morning before her shift started. But with the holidays coming up… well, these things happened. “Aw, come on. Take a message. I'm trying to have my coffee.”
“Uh, Chief. It's the princess for ya, though. She says it's important.”
March sighed. On the one hoof, it was undoubtedly the Conifer twins pulling a prank as always. But on the other hoof, she had gotten calls from Canterlot before. Well, one call. For that big to-do that one time. “Yeah, Loop. Tell her hold on. I'll be there in a sec.”
She stood up and stretched her hinds, then left her office. She swore, if it was those boys, she'd put them in a cell for the night, and if their parents complained, there would be an empty cell right next to it.
She strolled out and grabbed the phone. “Hello. Chief Gustysnows here.”
On the other end, there was a mare whose voice she could just barely place. “Oh, good, you picked up. I know this is silly, but I just don’t trust these phones. But, well, Princess Celestia said it was time to embrace the future!”
Oh. Oh, no. She knew that voice. Why couldn't it have been a Conifer boy? “Ohhh, Princess Twilight. A Happy Hearthswarming to you.”
Twilight started going on about the summit that passed. And then dropped a bombshell. She needed to sign a form.
“Uh huh. Yep. Yep… Paperwork, huh?” She huffed. “Well, you could just mail it.”
“Oh, no. That just won't do, really. Mail is just so slow this time of year…”
Of course. “I suppose there is a delay with the holidays. Tomorrow is Hearthswarming Eve Day, don’tcha know.”
Twilight was relentless.
“Hm. Well, if it's that important. Alright then. I'll take the first train out. Yep. Okay now. Bye.” March hung up the phone and sighed.
“Headin’ outta town then, March?”
“Yeah, Loop. Going to Ponyville. Summoned by the new Princess. Follow-up on the Summit.” She tugged her hat onto her head. “Can ya hold down the fort? I've gotta say goodbye to Morn then hop on the train.”
“You're darn tootin’. The station is in good hooves, March. You have a safe trip, yeah?”
“Here's hopin’. Quiet and quick. Gotta be home in time for Hearthswarming, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah. Well.” And she headed out into the snow.
“Thank you sooooooo much for coming on such short notice. How was your train ride?” Before March could even answer, Twilight was floating a piece of parchment in front of her. “Just a follow-up on how satisfied you were with the summit and a confirmation of receipt of apology for the incident that happened with my assistant.”
March Gustysnows bit the inside of her cheek. This seemed like the opposite of important. “Really. And this needed to be done now?”
Twilight gave a curt nod, dipping a quill. “Mm. Forms are due before the New Year. Well. That's not true. I just like to have them all together by then so I can ship them out. A good month’s leeway. You know what they say about organization.”
“Yeah. Can't say that I do there, Princess. I really do think this could have been mailed, don'tcha know?”
“The delegate from Manehattan said the same thing! Can you believe it? Well, he said a lot of things, actually.” Twilight Sparkle’s cheeks went a bit red. “Plenty of things I don't feel comfortable repeating. So, looks like I might miss my deadline anyway.”
March was about to answer when the front door of the castle slammed open. “Help! Help! They took everything!”
“Diamond Tiara? What happened! Who took what?” The quill fell to the floor and Twilight was wide-eyed with alarm. March was confused and concerned.
“You have to help! Our presents! They're all gone!” Tears were welling up in the filly’s eyes. “And all our decorations too!”
In a literal flash, Twilight teleported to a bookshelf, pulling down a book. “I bet it was a krampus… or no, wait, grinches! No, could it be…?” She gasped. “Windigoes?”
Diamond Tiara’s tears were held back by her sudden confounding. “What? No. I think it was just… some ponies…”
And Twilight was at another shelf. “Probably under the influence of the amulet of humbuggery. Or…” She opened a green and red tome. “The Cult of Coal. I didn't think they got much further east of the mineral plains."
“I… I think it was just… normal ponies, Princess Twilight. Just… thieves!” Diamond Tiara looked to the stranger for support.
“Well. Why did you come here?” Twilight was perplexed.
“Well. The mayor’s office is closed, and we don't even… have a police station, do we? I mean, you and the others solve everything, right? Especially since that superhero vanished. You beat Discord, I think. And that weird magician. Oh! And that really big guy who blew up the library! So, you can catch some thieves, right?”
They didn't have police here? This town… March Gustysnows was baffled. Darn baffled.
Twilight looked nervous and her small laugh made that obvious. “Well. Yes. But those were Element problems. I mean, if there's a big magic issue… but… and… besides, um. Well. Applejack and Pinkie went to visit the Pie farm. Rarity and Rainbow Dash went to the Wonderbolts on Ice show in Manehattan together. And Fluttershy. Um. Well. My Hearthswarming gift to her is to not bother her with any problems that are less than town-threatening. So… um.”
She couldn't stay silent any longer. “You aren't serious, yeah? I'm really calling into question your whole idea of policing the town, Princess. You could really use some actual law enforcement here to, ya know. Enforce the law, yeah?”
Twilight perked up and suddenly grabbed March in a tight hug. “Thank you thank you thank you! We're really in a pinch and it's so nice of you to offer to help out! You're right! Who's better suited after all.”
March blanched. “That wasn't what… oh, of course. It's nothing, really. Let's get those presents back, yeah?” What had she gotten herself into…
Filthy Rich was shaking with fear and anger as he picked up the phone in his office, door closed and locked. This was definitely a private conversation.
After two rings, the other end picked up. “Hello hello! Flim and Flam’s Stupendous Emporium of Wondrous Wonderful Devices, Panaceas, Cure-Alls and Novelties to Improve and Better Your Life, how can we fix you today?”
“Can it! What happened? The instructions were very clear. You break in and make off with my wife’s gifts, and that's it! You took everything!”
“Why, Mr. Rich! You seem upset. I can't imagine why. We took your plan and dolled it up a bit, making a ten-fold better humdinger of a plan.”
A voice popped up in the background. “Truly and surely, most certainly 200% better.”
“I have you on speaker, by the way. But like I was saying… it's not a very convincing burglary if only one set of things is taken! Why we did you a favor, Mr. Rich!”
Filthy couldn't argue with that logic. And so he didn't.
“Now… about the pricing change!”
“Pricing change? We agreed on ten thousand bits!” Filthy Rich slammed the desk with his hoof.
“And we agreed to only take your wife’s gifts. But we did so much extra work, Mr. Rich! Surely it wouldn't be fair for our extra effort to go uncompensated. I think another ten grand will suffice. What do you think, brother of mine?”
“Ten grand? Sounds grand! Then we'll hand everything over as planned. Guaranteed!”
“That's twenty grand! Everything you took already cost me fifty.”
There was a brief silence on the phone before Flim broke it again. “Oh.”
Flam. “Well that changes everything!”
Flim again. “We had no idea we were dealing with such high-end goods! That's a whole other matter altogether. Isn't it, Flam?”
“Altogether different, for sure. You really should have signed up for our luxury service, then.”
“You charlatans! This is extortion!”
Flim audibly balked. “Extortion? Filthy. Can I call you Filthy? This isn't extortion. This is business. And we are all businessponies, are we not?”
Flam. “Certified and registered.”
“It's only a little more, anyway. Surely you can afford it. And the benefits are well worth the price.”
Filthy gritted his teeth. “The price being?”
“Oh! Well, just a paltry sum, really.”
“Insignificant!”
“Barely there!”
“A fly speck!”
“Couch change!”
“How much!” Filthy yelled, his eyelid twitching.
“Goodness, Filthy. There's no need for all that! You're new total is… twenty-siii--”
“Seven!”
“--even thou--”
“Five!”
“Five. Sorry. I'm looking at an outdated price chart here. We really need to have a word with our secretary.”
“A talking to.”
Filthy cut off the back and forth before it could build up steam again. “This is outrageous. Fine! But we need to act quick. The cops are involved.”
Flim let out a laugh. “The police? Well now! When did our favorite little town get law enforcement? Come on now, Mr. Rich! You can't pull one over on us.”
“I mean it. My daughter… overreacted to the gifts being gone. She just got back and said the police were handling it.”
“Poppycock!”
“Balderdash!”
“Nonsense! We know every jurisdiction in the area and we've never had a problem besides some local farmers! We'll be fine and dandy! They're not even here! Now, we simply must skedaddle. Last minute inventory checks. You know how that goes. See you tonight!”
Filthy Rich was stunned as the call cut off, returning the phone to its place and shaking his head as he opened his safe.
March was at a loss. Police work usually came so easy to her. Especially smalltown stuff. But this wasn't her town. And these weren't her ponies. Back home, if someone's mailbox was knocked over or hedges uprooted, you'd go right on down to the Conifers. Someone’s got a few bits missing? They probably were just at Dahlia’s diner and the busboy shortchanged them. You know, the usual. But she didn't know who the Ponyville criminal element was. According to Princess Twilight, there was an ancient god of chaos in residence… but as far as she knew, he didn't even know the Riches, this wasn't even his style, and interrogating him would involve interrupting Fluttershy, which was just right out if the question. And beyond him, there wasn't really anyone who fit the bill besides a couple of colts. But this was way too darn big a job for a couple little colts, to be sure.
At least the coffee here was good. March was on her second cup and making her way through an apple walnut muffin in Sugarcube Corner. An odd dinner choice, but most places were closed.
The bell above the door chimed again, which March didn't pay much attention to. But the hoofsteps stopped and then started again, making a straight shot for her. “Um, hello. This might sound weird, but are you a cop?”
March looked up from her muffin and was face-to-face with a yellow mare with a curly orange mane. “Yes ma’am. Well, not for here. I'm just visiting from Fargoat. Near Whinneapolis, don't you know.”
The mare looked a bit crestfallen. “So if I were having a problem…”
March perked up. “Oh. Well if I can help ya out with something, I would be happy to. Now what's the problem? If I can't handle it, there is the princess after all.”
“Princess? But Canterlot is kind of a hike just to report some suspicious stallions. Plus I could just talk to the guards there.”
“Oh, no. I mean the princess in town?”
The mare paused, looking like the gears in her head were spinning. Suddenly, a light bulb went off. “Oh! The librarian! I keep forgetting she got wings! I mean, I suppose I could go to her…” She paused.
From her brief time knowing Twilight, March understood the hesitation. “Why don'tcha tell me about these stallions, Miss…?”
“Oh! Golden Harvest. But anyway. Yeah. A few years back some stallions came along selling this really terrible cider and tried to take over Sweet Apple Acres or something. I don't know. I wasn't there for most of it… but they got run out of town. They came back later selling some magical miracle tonic, I think. But I think that was fake, and they got run off again…”
“Has anyone reported them to a bureau for fraud or anything?”
Golden Harvest went wide-eyed. “We can do that?”
“Darn tootin’ you can. Did you not know that?”
“Well, usually problems just get run out of town or Twilight and her friends blast them with a rainbow. Then Pinkie Pie throws everyone a big party.”
March Gustysnows stared in disbelief. “So… these stallions.”
“Oh! Oh, yeah! I was at the spa getting my mane done for a Hearthswarming party. What are you doing so far from home on Hearthswarming Eve eve by the way? Do you have family here?”
“Long story…” Not that it was, really, but March was steamed about it still.
“Oh, well, anyway, they were in there. I didn't see them, but I'd recognize the voices anywhere.”
“Well, then I'm going to check in with the princess and then make my way over there right after. I'll take care of that there then.”
Golden Harvest gave a smile. “Thanks! And Happy Hearthswarming! Oh, and Happy New Year too!”
“You too!” March finished her coffee and left a tip for the lanky yellow stallion behind the counter, then went to go check in.
Filthy Rich was in even more of a panic as he called the number again.
“Yello! You have reached Flim a--”
“No! Look. Listen. I was telling the truth. I was just talking to the princess. She was calling, asking about the missing gifts, then I heard another pony walk in and ask about a couple scam artist stallions!”
“Well, she certainly got the artist part right, at least. But come on now, Filthy. The princess?”
“Ridiculous!” Flam piped up.
“As if Celestia would concern herself with a few missing gifts. What's your angle here, Mr. Rich?”
“Not Celestia! The princess here in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle!”
“We... don't know who that is.”
“Not a clue.”
Filthy facehoofed, then rubbed his muzzle. That smarted. “Did you two miss the big crystal monstrosity in town?”
One of them spoke. Filthy couldn't tell who at that point. “That crystal shop?”
“I thought chandeliers.”
“Maybe glassware?”
“It's the palace of the princess of friendship! You buffoons! She has a… a… I don't know. A task force and they know you did it! I got off the phone before she could even ask me about you. We need to make this exchange now. Maybe you didn't notice, but we've got a big storm coming!” Filthy Rich hung up the phone.
“Flam?”
“Yes, Flim?”
“We might be in trouble.”
Flam paced, eyeing the pile of gifts, then took a look outside. “He wasn't kidding about that storm. Snow is really coming down out there. Might get up to our axles soon.”
“So, you two said they were definitely in here?” March has a notepad out as she talked to the spa employees, a pair of color-swapped twins. Aloe and Lotus. Though admittedly, she didn't recall which one was which already.
“Oh, definitely. They wanted hooficures. The luxury package.” The blue one revealed. March decided that she was Aloe.
Therefore, it was Lotus who spoke up to add, “And mustache waxes. They kept excitedly talking about how the could afford them.”
“They hit pay dirt.”
“Big time.”
“The mother lode.”
“Riches.”
“Filthy riches.” The two mares laughed at that.
March stopped writing. “And why is that funny, exactly?”
“Oh, I don't know,” said probably-Aloe.
“It's just funny, I guess.” Lotus. Probably.
“They said it funny.”
March felt her brow scrunch up. “Funny how?”
“You know, just funny. They thought it was really hilarious.”
“It was like watching a comedy act, really.”
March nodded. “And did they say anything else funny?”
“Hmm, no. Not really. I mean, well, jokes. But those weren't as funny as they seemed to think.”
“You know…” The pink one laughed. “They did invite us to their… I don't know what they called it.”
“Mobile superstore.”
“That's it. For dinner and a drink.”
March raised an eyebrow. “And that was funny?”
“Goodness yes! I think they're like… twice our age! And those mustaches!”
“Plus, the weather pegasi already started a huge snowstorm for Hearthswarming. We're not trudging through all that. All the way to the apple farm?”
March pulled a curtain back. Wimps, the whole town. It was early autumn weather outside where she was from. “Can ya describe them, please?”
Flim hung up the phone and stared at his brother in horror. He'd just gotten off the phone with Filthy Rich… who was totally snowed in. “We're really painted into a corner, Flam.”
“Between a rock and a hard place.”
Flim hopped into the driver's seat. “We need to get out of here immediately. We're not getting arrested. There's already that warrant in Griffonstone.”
“Can't forget Appleloosa…”
Flim turned the ignition and started to drive… except they didn't go anywhere, tires spinning in the snow.
Flam hopped out and went behind the vehicle. “You're just kickin’ up mud and snow, brother! We're stuck.”
“What do you mean stuck?! Put down some of our quickmelt!”
Flam scowled. “It doesn't work! It's just salt. Dyed red. Why didn't you add a plow like I said we should?”
“That wouldn't help our back wheels!” Flim yelled. Things have taken a serious turn. “We’re going to jail… or a dungeon!”
Flam stared off between some dead trees in the adjoining plot. “No we aren't. Take the bits and bury them. I have a plan, brother dear. There can't be any jail time if there was never any crime.”
March tugged her coat closed tighter and stepped through the deep snow. Maybe they weren't wimps after all. These dirt roads were a mess and outside the town proper everything was a blanket of white. But then she saw the trees. Hundreds of them. This should be nice and easy. They wouldn't even know she was coming… but how would she find them?
Minutes later, she heard it. A loud roar over the gust of the wind. A motor running. A familiar sound, actually. But she couldn't place it. But at least she had a direction to go.
The snow kicked up, snow blowing in her face. She put a hoof in front of her face and kept walking, trudging…
The wind died down enough to see.
A wood chipper.
And March began to sprint. She saw a tall thin stallion loading boxes into the machine, the metal teeth grinding them up and spitting out scraps. “Stop! Don't do it! You don't have to do this!”
Flam looked up, startled… and fed the last thing into the chipper… Mrs. Spoiled Rich torn to shreds of splintered frame, paint, and parchment.
Just as Flim emerged with a shovel. “Well, that's done wi--”
Flam jumped back from the chipper and looked to his twin. “Split up! She's not going to nab both of us!” And they both took off.
Five minutes later they were cuffed together, and March Gustysnows led them by the length of chain between them.
“Why did ya do it? Huh? Why did ya go and ruin a family’s Hearthswarming? I'm just… I'm so… I can't believe it. I'm darned mad. Was this for money? Just for some bits? And look where that got you. Arrested. And now that family doesn't have their holiday the way they wanted. And I'm stuck all the way out here. The middle of the evening, draggin’ in two two-bit con men.” Up ahead was Twilight’s home. She brought them to the door and knocked. “You're going to face the family yourself.”
Twilight opened the door, the Rich family just inside. “Come in, come in… the Riches have been worried sick. Filthy has been pacing a trench in the floor.” She gave a half-hearted chuckle.
“Well. I got ‘em. But the bad news is, well, don'tcha know it… well… all your stuff, well. It's just. There's no easy way to say it, but all your gifts were destroyed.”
Filthy bolted upright and stiff. “Destroyed? You… you destroyed them?” He rushed ahead and grabbed Flim by the shirt collar. “Why would you destroy them? You… that wasn't…”
Spoiled furrowed her brow. “Fil…?”
Diamond Tiara stared. “Dad?”
Oh jeez. March gawked. “You… you knew. You knew they took it all.”
Twilight Sparkle gasped.
“I… I… what? Why would I do--”
Flim perked up. “To teach his wife a lesson!”
Flam smirked. “A holiday lesson in humble humility!”
Filthy stammered as his wife stared daggers at him. “Just to make you appreciate… it… more… I guess.”
Spoiled turned her back on him. “Unbelievable.”
March paused… “So… then… what am I doing here? You're in on this too. But… it was your stuff that got stolen. So. You're free to go. Looks like your family has some words for you anyway.” She rolled her eyes. “And them?”
“Well, if he's free to go… no harm!”
“No foul!”
Filthy went wide-eyed. “You took my stuff and half the payment! I'm pressing charges!”
Twilight sighed. “I can handle it from here. Spike! I need a letter sent to the palace guards!” She left the room to find her assistant.
And March? Well… she just hoped she could get the first train in the morning.
The next afternoon she was home, just in time to exchange gifts at work. Loop got her a new mug. What a peach. And then it was time to go home for real. Home home. With Morn and their foal. It was his first Hearthswarming.
She pushed open the door, carrying saddlebags filled to the gills with Zap Apple Jam and fine Saddle Arabian coffee. A thank you from the Riches for having to deal with that… whole hullabaloo. Ah well. She couldn't really complain. Everything turned out fine. “Morn! I'm back! Where are ya?”
She heard him from the next room. “Alright. I'll let her know. Happy Hearthswarming.” He hung up. “There's my girl. So. That was the Princess again. She said the two crooks are in Canterlot lock-up. What all did you get up to over east anyway? You were supposed to be signing a form, weren’tcha?”
“Oof. Morn. I need to go take a hot bath and have a sandwich, then I'll tell ya all about it.”
“Oh, and she said she's mailing the form over this way after Hearthswarming since you didn't actually get to sign it.”
March froze in place. Then shrugged off her saddlebags and headed for the bath. She might forget to mail it back for a while. She might just do exactly that. For sure.