I am transported to Equestria, and awaken an evil that had been unknown up until now.
When Twilight begins experimenting with dimensional theory and spells based on those theories, a human teenager by the name of Braxton Senson is pulled into the world he has only seen through the screen of his computer. His appearance awakens an evil older than the princesses themselves, and he must fight to save the world he has put into danger.
I smiled a little as the bell signalling the end of a school day sounded. I actually enjoy school a little bit, but today had been horrible. I woke up with stomach pains that lasted half the day, then almost fell asleep in class and got yelled at for that. getting to lay down on a futon and browse the internet would feel good, you know?
Either way, I left the tiny school building(And I do mean tiny, its basically one hallway with rooms branching to the sides) and walked to my bus at a brisk pace. Even though it wouldn't change when the bus left, I still felt like getting on faster would help. Logic.
The ride home was long and boring, with nothing interesting to think about(Other than ponies, obviously), I just looked out the window and stared at the passing blur of trees and houses. I just couldn't get home fast enough.
When the bus finally did grind to a halt at a park only a few blocks away from my house, I leapt out like some sort of jack-in-a-box on caffeine. The brisk and chilly air felt nice, and I took a moment to breath in a huge breath. Feeling more calm than the previously hyper me, I began a relaxed walk home.
Looking around at random trees, I noticed a weird blur on the edge of my vision. Glancing at it, my brain just sort of failed to realize what it was seeing. There, not too far away from the sidewalk, was this random hole in the ground. I don't just mean a pit, either. I mean a hole that looked like it could lead to the world's center and back again.
Using a concentrated burst of commen sense, I decided that the best opscion was to apprach the random pit to hell. I mean, its not like something weird could be afoot, right? Stepping cautiously up to the edge, I peered into the inky black depths extending below. if my mind could tell there was a bottom to fall to, I would have the world's biggest case of vertigo.
That's when stuff got really weird.
A little speck, like a Christmas light, flashed briefly in the hole. I blinked a second, not really sure if that actually happened or not, when this random wind came out of nowhere. I swear, that wind wanted me and me alone, because the grass wasn't even fluttering in it. Just me. Stupid oddly-selective strange phenomena!
Trying and failing (miserably) to back away from the hole, the wind grew even stronger. Forget hurricanes, run way from weird world holes. they are much more dangerous.
Unable to get decent traction on the ground, I flopped forward into the pit. I don't even think I screamed, which is really weird, just sorta went limp and decided that if I was going to die, I was going to die being lazy. A kid holding to his ideals in his dying breath, folks. So heroic.
Turns out the falling took longer than even I thought it would, cause looking at my watch, five minutes had passed. You know, I really should be freaking out. Why aren't I freaking out right now. Now I'm freaking out because I wasn't freaking out about falling to my death. What is happening.
My (horrendously sad) inner turmoil ended, however, when my sight of the fast receding dot of light from the surface was replaced bu more darkness. It wasn't the kind of darkness like some construction workers had filled it in with concrete either, more like I was unconscious. Because I was.
* * * * *
I woke up to the sound of quiet murmuring. I couldn't make any of it out, but hopefully that was because I hit my head or something (You know, something unimportant) rather than aliens speaking in another language. Because then I couldn't ask them for directions home.
When I decided to open my eyes, I did not find aliens or humans. Wait, do ponies count as aliens, because if they do, then I was seeing aliens. Wait, PONIES!?
I became more awake than I ever had been in my life ever before. I tried sitting up right, and found my arms tied to something or other. I looked again, and confirmed that there were ponies in front of me. Well, more accuratly a pony, but that was besides the point. What the point is, is which pony was standing in front of me.
Go ahead, guess.
Don't scroll any further. Guess. have somepony in mind? Here we go. You can scroll down now.
*pause for dramatic effect*
TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!!
I just sorta stared at her, and she looked at me with an overload of adorable surprise. Surprise is best adorable. Anyway, we just stayed that way for awhile, beither one of us moving an inch. You could have dropped half a pin and heard it, or maybe and eighth of a pin, I'm not sure.
Then the standstill was broken a sneeze from the one and only (Great and Powerful TRIXIE~!) me. Then Twilight began moving her mouth like she was saying something, but all that came out was a squeak that would have made Fluttershy proud.
This left me to break the ice. And that ice was very cold and hard, uncaring for my feelings and hopes that the process would be easy. It wanted to make my job as hard as it could, and try to give me a bad cold while it was at it.
"Ummm... hello...?"
Twilight let a gasp, and seemed to recoil from me, swooning in a breeze that wasn't there. Thank you for that wonderful help, ice, you make me so happy.
Managing to make a noise other than squeaks and gasps, Twilight spoke in a shaky voice. "y-you can t-talk?"
I nodded, feeling like talking again would somehow make Twilight faint or leave or something, and ruin the situation that got me talking (kind of) to her.
"Um, well... that's unexpected. I didn't... Oh, how do I apologize after this..."
that got a confused look from me, just enough confusion to get me to forget my hastily made rule of not talking. "What do you mean? Apologize for what?"
She seemed to flinch back again, although not from fear. More like she was trying to hide and just leave right then and there. "i um, I'm the one who brought you here..." her voice faded off into nothingness. Twilight, you do realize that you're not Fluttershy, right? You have the characters mixed up a little.
"I don't really mind." I mean, its not like this could cause any problems with any social life and family that I may or may not have, or make any problems with my parents calling the police and causing problems that way. No problems here!
"No... you don't? Really?" Twilight said, seeming less afarid of any problems she may have caused. I was too happy to be speaking to Twilight. Freaking. Sparkle. To be upset or even worried. I gave her a reassuring smile (I hope), and decided to ask the most obvious question ever, other than why ponies don't wear pants.
"Why did you bring me here, exactly?" she seemed to hesitate a little, fumbling for words, before breathing in deep and calming herself.
"I was going to bring a creature from another dimension and experiment on them, but I don't think I can do that now without feeling really bad about myself." She gave an adorkable nervous giggle, and did her best (not that good) casual smile.
Her horn suddenly became shrouded in her magic aura, and I felt the bounds on my wrists fall away. I rubbed them, only now realizing that they were really, REALLY sore. Now another question was raised. How do I get back? "How do I get back?"
She raised her hoof, and opened her mouth to speak, before freezing up. She looked like she didn't know what to say. I'm not sure if that makes happy that it may mean I can stay in Equestria longer, or frightened out of my socks about never going back. "I um... I... can't... I mean, I don't know how! I-I wasn't expecting to have to put you back! Oh, I am so sorry!"
I didn't respond, instead stroking a beard that wasn't there. Sometimes I wish I wasn't only thirteen, but rather old enough to have a villainous pointed goatee! >:)>
"I guess I can stay a little longer than planned..." I almost smiled. Almost. You know why? Because I might get to meet the rest of all the ponies! Wait, that means I can meet best pony. Best pony meaning Pinkie Pie (I am going to get SOOOOO many arguments on that, but meh).
Twilight smiled, glad that I wasn't going to freak out and go on a rampage and eat everypony. I doubt that she actually thinks that (yet), but hay, I can think whatever I want.
She glanced up the stairs leading upstairs (No, the the stairs lead up to the downstairs), and gave me another nervous smile. "So... do you want some tea?"
* * * * *
I drained the last bit of tea from my small little glass. It was so tiny, even compared to my extremely small and thirteen year-old hands. I'm kinda shocked that they have those little finger holds, even though ponies don't have fingers. One of the many mysteries of pony kind that will never be answered.
We had talked a lot about the circumstances regarding my appearance in Equestria. It had started with me asking questions (Many of which I knew the answer of) about general life in the glorious land of the ponies. Place random pony propaganda poster here.
Then she explained more about her life and friends, and explained about how she had begun reading on various theories about dimensional travel and all the weird and interesting creatures that could be out there. Naturally, Twilight immediately wanted to experiment the hell out of one, and used a spell of her own creation (I'm so proud!) to bring me here, without thinking of the possibility of getting intelligent life. Imagine looking behind the fridge and seeing a weird blob thing smoking and player poker with his blob buddies. Its like that.
Now we were talking about where I came from; Earth.
"So, you don't have magic at all in your world?"
"Nope. We just get by using technology."
"How advanced are we talking about, because we have some advanced stuff ourselves."
I instantly though of the perfect example that could ever be used for Twilight Sparkle, the greatest egghead ever to live. "Imagine a metal tablet, about seven inches by three inches. Now imagine that this device can store thousands of books in it that can be read at any time, and has acess to a b=nearly infinate database of almost everything known by our species."
Twilight looked simply dumfouned. I would too, if someone came up to me and said, 'You can go to Equestria.'. Hold on, I am in equestria, and I am talking to the second greatest pony ever to live! I am actually disappointed in the lack of dumbfounding going on here. Shame on you, internet portrayal of going to Equestria, shame on you!
Recovering from her state of shock she looked at me with a borderline 'blasphemy!' face. "R-really? You have those? How is that even possible!" I think she was going into shock. That would be bad for her and my conscious.
"Well, yeah, we have those. Lots of other things that would be considered god-like to you, but in my society they are taken for granted by lots of people who don't even know how they work."
Now her eyes were spinning in their sockets. I'll be honest, it was incredibly entertaining to watch them. Almost hypnotic. Maybe they are weapons in this world, rather than guns. There should be a fan fiction about that. Actually, no, that would be a stupid story, don't do that. I'm serious. Don't. Okay maybe.
She stopped her eye spinning by slapping the side of her head, and decided that the best way to avoid the confusion that comes with human technology was to simply move on. "Well, moving on, what is your society like?"
This was a delicate subject. I wanted to tell her the truth, lying to ponies isn't something I want to do anytime soon. But at the same time, there was a lot of stuff that I really didn't want to tell her. What would I say? 'We fight and kill each other for money and have tons of governmental corruption!' No, I am not going to be the one who does that.
My long pause did not go unnoticed by Twilight, and she looked at me with the most adorable and questioning eyes ever. Then, to ruin that happy image, my brain loudly shouted at me, 'there's porn of you.' With that thought, I wasn't sure whether to laugh at the absurdity of that, or be disturbed. I went with laugh in my head.
"Sorry, I was just thinking. We have a... complicated society, and the're lots of things that I could say. We live in cities, we have farms and such, we have currency. We don't have a monarchy, but a democracy instead. We aren't exactly... peaceful people..."
I dropped that sentence off there, and decided feeding her information in little chucks was probably a good idea. Like a baby. Feed her chucks of knowledge like a baby. I have a plan, people! Be afraid. Be very. Afraid.
Twilight gave me a nervous look now, probably thinking I was going to bust out a sword and start attacking her for no reason. I don't think I could survive in Equestria if everypony thought I was a killer. Actully, I couldn't survive anywhere if I was seen as a murderer. Well that's a sad thought. I feel so happy and warm inside now.
"You... fight other... humans?" The way she said it, it was like she didn't understand the concept, like it was something beyond her comprehenshion. My analogy with babies became a little more real if you understand me. I would have to explain. And I hated having to do that. So I won't!
"look, we can just drop the subject and forget that it was ever brought up, alright?" twilight nodded vigorously, and I felt very, very happy her most likely HUGE morbid curiosity had to be held back with chains forged from the pure awesome that is ponies. Meaning they could not be broken. By anything.
I glanced out the window, trying to do something in the awkward silence that had sprung up. I was surprised to see it was already night time. "Whoa, its already night out! How did that happen so fast?" she looks outside as well, and seems just as surprised as me.
"We talked that long, I guess. Are you yet?" she asked, all hints of awkward gone. I took that as a good thing, rather than a random lapse of memory.
"Yeah, actually. But where am I going to sleep?"
"With me, obviously."
If I had any tea left to cough up, I would taken a sip just so I could spray it all across the table. "W-what?"
Twilight just looked at me funny. "Whats wrong with that?"
Wow. I knew Twilight Sparkle didn't know much about the magic of friendship and such, esoecially the more intamite kind, but this was riduiculas. How do you not know that sleeping with someone is a bold move, one that I personally did not want to take. I am perfectly fine standing here, thank you very much.
Not wanting to leave it at just 'no', I felt that I had to explain this somehow. "Look, where I come from, it is considered weird to sleep in the same bed as someone your not quite... acquainted with."
I don't she understood my barely disguised attempt's at explaining this, because she just looked more and more confused. It was becoming increasingly more adorable, and thus harder to concentrate. "Look, I just wouldn't be comfortable if I slept with you, can we leave it at that, please?"
She blinked a few times. Not really understanding my plight, she still caved in and stopped probing my soul with her eyes of adorableness. Curse them and their -5 to will saves! Curse them~!
Regardless, that was only one bullet dodged, even if it was the size of a bed (literally). "Is there anywhere else that I could sleep tonight?"
"I don't have any spare beds, and we don't even have a couch. If you insists so much on not sleeping with me, then your only other option is the floor." She flashed me an apologetic smile, though I think the floor is much better than sleeping with Twilight. Yes, people who have fantasies about that, I know your reading this. I KNOW EVERYTHING.
"Well, you still should sleep in my room, at least. There's a carpet there, so it will be a bit more comfortable than out here."
"Thanks, Twilight. You have no idea how much your hospitality means to me." She never will, either. Until the day when she becomes as obsessed as any brony with MLP, she will not understand. Oooooo, now I have to make her watch MLP somehow! but how can I do that without so much as an i-pod? First world problems, people.
She trotted up the stairs leading to her room, and opened the door with her magic. I suddenly became aware of ho wenvious I was of magic at that moment. Its every lazy person's dreams! You can open a door, without opening it! Or you can make tacos, without staining your shirt! The possibility's are endless!
Plopping her self down on the very, very tiny bed she had (at least for me), she rolled around so she was facing me. "I still don't understand why you're turning down the bed, Braxton."
Wow, did it feel weird to have Twilight Sparkle use my first name. You have no idea. Its almost like a random stranger just walking up to you and chatting like your good buddies. Kind of unnerving. Still, I couldn't resist making a little joke. "You'll understand when your older."
She stared at me with shockingly adorable rage (Does anypony know how she makes any face adorable? Please? This could be vital information for creating the perfect plushy), and all I could think was, 'Oh the anvil of irony~!'
A/N: Okay, first off, I want to sum up the comments that have popped up so far on the first chapter. I seems like everyone likes it, and the biggest complaints are grammar and spelling and capitalization and such. Fear not, I intend to crack down hard on editing, and possibly eat some pop-tarts while I'm at it.
Also, anyone put of by the combination of a romance tag and this being a self insert, I don't intend to write me into a relationship with anypony. The romance will play a role, but the me that is in Equestria will not be having fantastical dreams about anyone.
I will try to use more diverse dialect beyond adorable, and I will try my best not to break some sort of un-spoken law of writing. Like don't spill coffee on your computer. I'm going to guess that's one of them.
Also, I would like to give a shout-out to Cardslafter for writing Trough The Eyes Of Another Pony. That story is what I based my writing style for this story on, and what I drew most of my inspiration from. If your reading this, Cards, them I want to say, your awesome. Thanks for being a member of this community.
* * * * *
Screw dreams.
When you have just been transported to another world against your will, it tends to leave a lasting imprint on one's sanity. All the panicking and fear that should have been happening, rather than just having my brain derp around in my skull not giving a buck, had been saved up so that it could be released on me in my sleep. You sneaky, sneaky nightmare, you.
It wasn't that shocking, really, that I would have a bad dream. In retrospect, it wasn't even that scary. Just weird as hay. Really, really weird. The things in that dream are the things that you can't un-see. The things you wish be put in a box and shipped to someplace other than where you are, because that's good enough for you.
I don't even know how to describe it. There was so much happening at one time. A jumble of messy and blurred images were all I saw, images like Pinkie spoon feeding me cupcakes. Why would you spoon feed someone cupcakes! And then there was Lyra with her hands and... gah... I can't think...
The morning did not want me to think on it too long apparently, so it decided that I should wake up. By having a door loudly slammed.
"Twi, I'm back from the sleepover with the Cutie Mar-" The voice froze in mid sentence, probably because it saw me (No, it saw a grape stain on the rug) and thought, 'what the...'
I looked up from my face down sprawl on the carpet as I woke up, and looked at the voice's source. It was none other than Spike. You know, I probably should have questioned where he was before now, but suddenly the realization that he hadn't been there at all slapped me in the face. With a frying pan.
I have no idea how long he just stared at me in shock while I stared at him too tired to say anything before we both heard Twilight groan into wakefulness. "Huh? Spike, are you ba- *yawn* -back?"
It took him a moment to figure out that Twilight was talking to him. Poor guy, I'm the only other person he will ever meet that has seen an alien as well. Accept I knew who the alien was, and he didn't so no, I have no idea what he was going through. Tough beans, kid.
"Um... what is that, Twilight?" He was staring at me with eyes that were so wide, they were on the border of his face. They could fall off at any second, and I had no idea what that could look like in an animated cartoon. Maybe they would shatter like plates, and we could use duck tape to fix them again. Duck tape = god tape.
"Oh, um, this is Braxton... he's not really... from here..." said Twilight, seeing that the situation she was in was less than good. More like that one cousin you hate just showed up drunk at your house or something, I don't know. I don't even know what being drunk is like.
"Hi." that was all I said. Just that one, innocent statement. And yet, Spike still recoiled in shock before promptly fainting on the spot. I guess that's... one problem solved. Huh.
I turned to Twilight and gave a shrug. How else do you sum up meeting a baby dragon in the house of a pony from a different dimension who dragged you to their dimension with magic and offered to sleep with you? I can think of one way. Give them toast. Toast solves all problems.
Giving an exasperated sigh, Twilight got out of bed and moved for the door. "I can think more clearly with some food in me. Why don't we go get some breakfast made, and then figure out what to do with Spike?"
I nodded, and followed her down the steps. Those steps are really, really small for a human's feet, so I can justify (kind of) the fact that I fell down them, rather than walked. Whats that? Normal people don't fall down stairs all the time? Well obviously I am not normal, Or I wouldn't be in Equestria. Which still confuses me.
Either way, Twilight giggled at my failure. I felt bad because Twilight Sparkle was laughing at me, and then she went into the kitchen. If I were your usual middle school-er, I would probably make a sexist joke there, but I really hate sexist jokes, so no. Never in 256 years. And five hours.
Not really sure what to do, I just sat in the library's main room and looked at all the books. It baffles me how I share the same language with Equestria. It would have sucked if I woke up in Twilight's basement and could only spout gibberish to her. Makes me feel gifted somehow.
Then I thought about how... casual this all was. I was something from another world, and Twilight didn't expect me to be smart, and now she was making me breakfast while on a first name basis. Does stuff this weird really happen often enough that it hardly fazes anypony for long? ...Because that's kind of awesome. 'aw, man, I turned you into a newt!'
'its cool'
'k'
My thoughts might have gone on longer if they weren't interrupted by the most glorious smell ever to reach my nose. If heaven made a deoderent, It would have nothing on this smell. It was like I didn't even need to eat whatever was making the smell, I was already satisfied plenty.
Walking out of the kitchen, Twilight held a massive metal tray in her magic floating it aloft next to her. She was smirking too, like she knew it would make me massively jealous of her magic. My mind made a face not unlike the 'me gusta' face, before deciding she was excused on all charges because DAT' SMELL!
I swear, she took her time just so that my mouth would water more. She enjoyed toying with me, and we both knew it. It was an odd balance of 'she's toying with me, but I get awesome food. Meh'
She finally set the tray down on the table we had tea at last night, and I got into a chair as fast as my legs could take me. What she had served up was pancakes and waffles. that was it. Delicious, syrup-soaked waffles and pancakes, just waiting to get in my belly.
I didn't notice until later, but I didn't even use utensils. I just shoveled that stuff right down my throat. It was kind of liberating, actually, to not have to worry about holding a fork. Then I felt sad, because ponies could not enjoy this freedom that I have been blessed with! They don'y have hands to shovel with! D:
I was halfway through my random bought of feeling sorry for hand-less things, when I looked up from my pancakes to see Twilight rolling around the floor giggling harder than a baby. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen. Ponies in stockings? Nope, laughing ponies.
Much too amused to glare at her, I just waited until she finally came out of her laughing fit. Tears were running down her face. "Oh, oh my. I apologize, but... *snicker* you humans eat hilariously!"
I cracked a smile, and decided that feeding her lies about silly things like how we eat couldn't hurt. "Usually we use our feet, but I thought that might seem even weirder than this, so..."
This somehow brought another bought of teary chortling from her. Maybe she was in that state where you feel a bit woozy, and really tired, so everything just seems hilarious in a whole new kind of way. That probably was it, and that just made the whole situation even better. Somehow.
Eventually, we did manage to finish our (amazing) food, and we just sat there in content laziness. I had no idea if Twilight had anything to do, or if she was just like, 'screw it, I have pancakes'. Either way, morning number two in Equestria was going pretty good, if I do say so myself.
Of course, this peace wasn't meant to last, because the window suddenly exploded. My completely calm and organized response was, "WHOA SHI-"
Then I was tackled by a blue blur. I flew out of the chair I was sitting in, and hit a bookshelf. Dear mother of all that is holy, did it hurt! It was like getting punched over, and over, and over again. Suffice to say, it sucked.
"What are you doing in my friends house, beast!"
Hey, wait, I recognize that high and squeaky voice. Thank you for making your entrance as flashy and violent as one would expect, Rainbow Dash. It's really appreciated. Especially by my gut. He just loved it.
Twilight had leapt to her hooves, and was looking pale, if you can do that when you skin (coat? Which goes pale?) is purple. "Rainbow Dash, get off of Braxton!"
Rainbow Dash blinked, and was apparently surprised to see Twilight not maimed or something by me. "You're okay? Oh. Is this a new pet or something then?"
*mental face-palm*
"No Dash, he is not a new pet. This is Braxton, and he is stuck living with me for awhile."
I don't think rainbow Dash fully understood what she said, because she just cocked her head and looked confused. Twilight sighed, irritated with the requirement of further explanation. "Look, let me introduce you two. Rainbow Dash, this is Braxton. Braxton, Rainbow Dash."
She turned to me and put out her hoof tentatively. "Uh... hi?"
I grabbed her hoof and shook it hard. "Likewise, Rainbow Dash. Pleased to make your acquaintance." That was really satisfiying. Saying hello to Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle within the same lifetime was better than I ever thought I would do. Obviously I am a superior being. Not really.
She looked shocked that I could talk (I am sensing a trend here), and just stared at me like she had seen the devil. Not too far off, Dash. MuhahahahahaHAHAHAHAH- *hack hack* - sorry, couldn't stop the laugh. It just came out.
I slid away from Dash, who was still sitting on top of me, and tried to relieve myself of her weight. They probably weren't too heavy, but when you only weigh 80 pounds (no joke. I am completely serious here), many things seem heavy. Noticing my futile attempts, Rainbow Dash gave a nervous chuckle and stepped off of me.
I stood up, dusting myself off. You know, I didn't even get any dust on me. I was in a clean library, it wasn't like I tumbled across a dusty plain among the tumbleweed. That could be fun, log rolling with some tumbleweed in the backdrop of a western film. A tiny little bit of fame.
Dusting aside, I motioned to the table again. "You probably want to know what I am, right?" a nod "Well lets sit down and have a grand old chat, shall we?"
* * * * *
Holding yet another cup of tea, I finished my summary of events that led me to Equestria. Rainbow Dash almost looked like she didn't believe my story, and only Twilight's input was the thing stopping her from yelling, 'LIAR!'. But either way, I had said what needed to be said, so my job was done.
I drank the last of my tea, and looked to Twilight. "Now what do we do?" I have no idea what to do now. We had breakfast. It was noon-ish outside. I had been introduced to Rainbow Dash. Seems like we had already done quite a bit already, wouldn't you say?
Twilight brought a hoof to her chin, and appeared in deep thought. Or maybe she wished she had the pointed goatee too. Who knows. "Well, I have some studying to do. Dash, do you have any plans for the day left?"
Dash nodded her head. "I still have to schedule a few more storms, and make sure there aren't to many clouds." Without another word, she just flapped her wings and soared out the door. When she opened it, I have no idea.
Twilight went upstairs, some books trailing behind her. That left me in a room chock-full of books on a nation/world/country that I knew little about. Whatever could I do? (heavy sarcasm)
Taking the blatantly obvious initiative, I grabbed some random books from the shelves and began reading. the first book I opened up was titled, "The basics of Magic: A Newbie Unicorn's Guide" I decided that even though I don't have magic myself (or do I?), I would take a look.
That stuff blew my mind. I didn't even understand half of it, and this is supposed to be the basics. It makes you think anout how overpowered Twilight is. I mean, there are tons of steps for moving a freaking rock, and she lifted a Ursa Minor, instantly milked some cows, and sent the bear to the forest for nap time. She could take over our planet if she wanted to, I bet. Now I'm scared.
I put that book to the side, and opened the next one. this one was called, "The History of Equines As We Know" That sounded like I could actually understand it, so I flipped it open. Equestria has a bland history. Weather Celestia covered up some Lunar Republic stuff or if this is the real deal, I have no idea, but it is basically just Nightmare moon and Discord. that is all. Other than that, peace, peace, and more peace. Big surprise.
I heard the sound of hoof steps on the stairs, and looked up. Twilight was trotting down them towards me with a worried look on her face. Naturally, that worried me as well.
"Whats wrong?" I asked.
She sighed, before looking at me with the most serious face I have ever seen on a pony before. "I felt this... disturbance in the magical energy."
"What does that mean?" I have no idea what that ment. I feel a disturbance in the Force!
"I don't know.. Everything felt weird for a bit, and my magic was a little harder to use. It doesn't make any sense, why would this happen...?"
Twilight began pacing nervously, and I think she was hyperventilating. Apparently this stuff isn't supposed to happen, because I had only seen her this nervous in Lesson Zero. And we all know where that got her. A heaping dose of insanity.
"Alright, calm down Twilight. What does this mean, exactly?"
"It either means a massive amount of magic was used, or, or... I don't know! This has never happened before! I have no idea what this could mean!"
Then, to my surprise, Twilight just collapsed on the ground, groaning in pain. "Whoa! Are you alright? Twilight?"
She was grinding her teeth, and sorta twitching while sweat began to coat her coat. I had no idea what was happening, or why, and it scared the hell out of me. Then, as suddenly as it began, she just stopped twitching. Just like that. "What was that, Twilight? Are you okay?"
Twilight slowly stood to her hooves, and took a deep breath. "There it was again. The disturbance. Only this time, it was much, much worse! What is going on?" Then she suddenly perked up, and ran over to her desk, Grabbing a quill and paper, she began wildly scribbling away.
I looked over her shoulder, and understanding dawned on me. She was writing a letter to the Princess! Of course! Anything goes wrong, tell the all powerful goddess.
Twilight went up the stairs again, presumebly tp wake up Spike, who had somehow remained asleep after half a day of being unconciouss. How in the hay do you do that? The show is not exaggerating when they say Spike can sleep like a purple scaled brink. I don't think they actually say that, but meh.
After a little bit, Twilight came back down with a frightened looking Spike behind her. Wow, I inspire fear in something. That's a first. It feels weird, like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth. That is a horrible analogy for this.
"I have informed Princess Celestia of this anomaly, though she probably felt it herself." She said, seeming much more calm than before.
"So, now we just wait?" She nodded. That left one thing for me to do. "So, your name is Spike, right?"
I swear, he jumped a foot into the air when I said his name. Jumpy, much? "Hey, you don't need to be afraid of me! The biggest thing I've ever hurt is a mosquito!"
I have no idea if this reassured him, because he didn't say anything. At all. It was beginning to unnerve me. This from the kid who laughed at Cupcakes. Wow, I keep mentioning Cupcakes a lot. I should probably stop soon. Maybe, maybe... nah.
Then Spike gathered the courage to speak to me. "Um... h-hello?"
I gave him a smile. "Hello!"
He stared at my... mouth, I think? And gave out a gasp. I didn't understand why he did this. I can talk, yes. We have established that already. Then Twilight did the same thing, and I got confused. I racked my brain for reasons why they would be staring at my mouth in shock, then a few human in Equestria stories came to mind. Along with the inevitable revelation of humans eating meat.
"Is it my teeth?" I asked, and they both nodded. I wasn't certain about my theory, so I decided to make sure first. "What about them?"
Twilight pointed with a shaking hoof. "Your teeth... some are pointed."
I nodded. "Yeah. So?"
"You eat meat."
"... Yes."
Spike and her gasped (again) at this confirmation, and I felt a little bad for them. Imagine if your grandmother told you, out of the blue, 'I'm a cannibal'. That would throw you for a big loop, wouldn't it?
I decided that I should rest their fears. "I don't eat ponies, alright? I don't plan on ever doing so, either."
they seemed a little calmer, but still unnerved. Our moment of extreme awkwardness did not last long, because the world itself decided that it shouldn't. I don't know if I should thank it or hate it. based on how it did so, hate.
A horrible groaning filled the room, and the sound of wood being riven in half nearly deafened us. Splinters flew from the floor as a large crack appeared. Everything stared shaking, and I fell. Right into the giant ravine.
A/N: I like how the first 'similar story' is a clop fic. So similar, the resemblance is uncanny. :D
* * * * *
Does anyone have any idea why I keep falling into random holes to the middle of the earth? No? Well, that's one mystery that will never be solved.
And let me tell you, does it suck to have this as something that happens every other day. The wind rushing past my face, a looming darkness growing larger with every passing second, any hope of getting out fading into nothingness. Then in an ironic twist, I am going to die from old age. I don't think that's actually ironic, but oh well.
And lucky for me, that twist might just happen. I did not die, or even fall for very long when I tripped. Almost as soon as my feet left the ground, I felt a tugging force stop my motion. When I was left just dangling over nothing, I began to squirm around. A lot.
"Will sho quit sqhirming so mush!?"
I stopped my frantic movement, and let myself be pulled from the ravine. When my feet touched down on solid ground, I would have kissed the floor if I didn't have a better idea in mind.
Without missing a beat, I turned around and gave Twilight Sparkle the biggest hug she will ever receive in her lifetime. Maybe even after her lifetime too, I don't know. And let me tell you, it was so God-damn satisfying. I am the only brony to have ever hugged Twilight Sparkle. Probably. Hopefully.
She tried to get away almost immediately, the close contact too much for her, but I only let go after a few seconds. By a few I mean twenty. Or maybe thirty, I lost count. She looked stunned when she finally got away from me, and her face was the greatest face ever. she was cross-eyed, spinning and all, with a little 'o' for a mouth.
I laughed and stood up. Then I turned to inspect the gaping maw of the earth that tried to end my life via eating me. The library was basically torn in half, the walls themselves splitting at the base. I felt sad, because now Twilight can't live in a tree. Tree-less Twilight is no fun. :(>
I heard Twilight trot up behind me, and look at the wreckage around her. I didn't say anything, because nothing needed to be said. At some point, I heard the echo of a tear drip down to the warped wooden floor, and the sadness inside of me grew even larger.
"L-lets go check on the rest of town, see if a-anypony needs help."
I nodded, before making an astounding realization. Very few ponies knew about me and what I am. This could be a problem since, you know... I'm an alien. We'll just have to see what happens, though, won't we?
At least the library was still standing though, right? That's a plus in my book. Just take some... tar... and fill in the holes? No, tar doesn't sound like the right thing to use. Duck tape again? (I really should get some new jokes soon. These old ones have out lived their one use warranty)
Anyways, as soon as I and Twilight stepped out of the library, I got stares. I mean, I couldn't even tell I was in sight when I felt their probing eyes on me. It was the most uncomfortable I have ever been, not counting the near death scenarios. Or am I counting those? I don't know... *shrug*
As we quickly glanced at the nearby houses, it was apparent this wasn't a terrorist attack on just Twilight's house. Many other houses were better and worse off, some with only a few cracks, others rendered into heaps of rubble. It was like one of those depressing pictures with the stretching wastelands and smoke and ash and stuff, but this was real, and that made it so much worse.
I could see the plain fear evident on everypony's face, too. Not from me, either, they couldn't have given less shits about me. The crushing reality of their homes being demolished wasn't one they faced every other day, and I could only imagine what the suffering they felt was like. Much worse than eating pancakes, I'd guess.
Then I saw a rainbow blur streaking from house to house in the sky. That brought a smile to my face, knowing that Dash was helping... somehow. I can't tell from this distance. Maybe she's passing out teddy bears. Curses, now I want a teddy bear. Hey, Dash! Over here!
Anyways, now I could feel even more stares on me, so I assume that notice of me was taking hold. Hushed whispers were all I could hear, and they didn't do me too much good. Then I heard a loud gasp from my left.
Standing on a small rise in the road, was Pinkie Pie. She was staring straight at me, doing her trademarked gasp. God I love that gasp. Never change, Pinkie, never change.
Also, she had a tray of churros on her back. Churros. In the middle of a disaster area. See, this is why she's best pony, guys! She brings the churros! What would you do without the churros?
Then she ran up and shoved her face into mine. I would make a joke about personal space, but I don't think those words exist in Pinkie's mind, so its kind of pointless.
"What are you? because I've never seen you before so it means your new, and if your new you must be lonel- hi Twilight! -lonely, and if your lonely you probably didn't get your daily dose of cupcake, *GASP* have a cupcake!"
Without further ado, I present to you Pinkie shoving a cupcake into my mouth.
"..."
What? I don't have a camera. Go use Photoshop or something if you want a picture of Pinkie force feeding people.
*ahem* Something was happening right now, correct? Okay, lets try this again. I tried to back away from the mass of pink that somehow reached my head, and failed. She kept with me like a, a... I don't know, a missile! Pinkie missile, AWAAAAAAAAAAAY~!
"Uh, my name is Braxton, nice to meet you...?"
She gasped again (so adorable /)^3^(\ ) and then shook my hoof... NO! Wait, I have a hand, right! I have been here too long, haven't I? Yeah...
"Well, plesure to meet you, Braxton! My name is Pinkie Pie by the way, but you can call me BIll!"
Does she know that she is filling me with euphoria with every act of pure unrefined random that spills out of her mouth? Do. Not. Stop, Pinkie Pie. This is the greatest day of my life. No, this is the greatest day of anyone's life. I stole your life, because I am actually the Grim Reaper. Bow down, mortal fools!
"I see you've already met Pinkie, then?"
I turned around and saw Twilight standing there with a bemused expression. You and your bemusement. I have Pinkie, I need nothing else! NOTHING! "Indeed I have, Twilight. She is really random, which in all honesty is hilarious." Understatement of the century, me. Understatement of the century.
Pinkie let out another gasp. I swear, I am going to have to sqee at this point, stop doing this to me! Your tearing me apart, Pinkie!
"You know Braxton? Oh, that is the most wonderful-iffic thing ever! We're already the best-est-ur-ful of buds!" I just smiled like a maniac and nodded. Did I say this was awesome yet?
Twilight gave a chuckle, before dragging me behind her with magic. "Well, we're needed elsewhere, so see you later Pinkie!"
"See ya, Twilight!"
I was to happy to care that we had left the wonderful company of Pinkie. She just... fills you with derp! It is the greatest feeling in this world, and probably a few others. Only after a few blocks did I notice that we were no longer with her. "Where did Pinkie go? I miss her already."
"I think you've become freinds with her faster than anypony else I know."
Wait, you mean Pinkie, the Pinkie Pie has trouble making friends? I shall travel to the offending soul's homes and vanquish their mortal shells to the deepest pit of hell known to ponykind, which probably aren't that deep, since this is Equestria we're talking about.
We stopped at many different houses and businesses, where we cleared away rubble, salvaged what we could, and generally helped out. After the first few visits we gave, news had spread about me, so ponies stopped asking, which saved more time than you might think. They still gave me hilariously weird looks, though.
Now we stood back at the library's warped doorway. The frame was bent, and the door had split in half, falling to the ground. We stepped through, and nothing had changed from the looks of things. I didn't think anything would change, other than maybe demons crawling out of the pit, but that's just me.
I heard Twilight sigh besides me, and I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I was given permission to live here by The Princess herself, you know. It really meant a lot to me. The nice smell of books, tons of knowledge at my hoof-tips. I'll miss it a lot."
I just nodded. "At least you still have good friends to lean on, right?"
She gave a little smile. "Yeah, I guess that's true. I wonder who I'll stay with...?"
"Well, me for one, but other than that, no idea."
She giggled. "I hope my friends will let you stay with me. You're not exactly..."
"Normal?"
"I wouldn't put it that wa-"
"Yes you would."
Another giggle. Twilight, do you know about the other forms of laughter? Because there are many more than giggling. Like chortling, guffawing, ho ho ho-ing, the list is endless! And you say you know a lot. For shame.
Just then we heard a knock. Twilight and I turned around, and saw Applejack leaning against the frame. She was looking me over, scrutinizing me. It was really uncomfortable, and a chill went up my spine. The books don't lie when they say that happens a lot.
"So 'yur the creature 'erypony's talkin' 'bout." She said this as a statement of fact, not a question. I don't know why she would need to ask that, its pretty obvious, don't you think?
"Yes, I am. My name is Braxton, what's yours?"
"Applejack. Pleasure meetin' you."
"Likewise."
She looked around at the damage done to the library, then whistled. "Looks like the 'quake did a number on the library, Twi'. Ya'll can stay at the barn ifn' you need to."
Twilight perked up. "Really? Oh, thank you Applejack! But um, is it okay if Braxton stays as well?"
I wasn't sure if the expression Applejack gave was portraying 'ludicrous' or 'are you bucking insane'. "I guess so, ifn' he has nowhere else to go."
I gave her a nice, big ol' smile. "Thank you, Applejack! You don't know what that means to me."
"Ah reckin' ah don't."
And so we began the trek to the Apple Family Orchard. Or farm. Which is it, a farm or an orchard? They call it a farm, but they grow fruit. Now I have that terrible feeling of 'bluh'.
On our little walk, my eyes were drawn to the bright colors of the Ponyville homes. You don't see bright pink and white houses on Earth, do you? Although there probably is somebody who did that, but I have no way of knowing that anymore.
We passed by Pinkie again, and grabbed some churros to munch on. I have no idea what was in them, but they tasted good, so what the hay!
Now rendered without anything to do, I thought. I just thought about everything. I was in Equestria, the dream that every self respecting Brony dreams. I have met Twilght Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and now Applejack. They are all awesome, though I can't really tell with Applejack yet. So far she's just like, "I 'ave an accent!" and that's all. Not much to base my opinion on so far.
Then we have the scenario I'm in. I haven't been stalked by angry mobs with torches and pitchforks, so that's a good sign. Twilight has been completely open and comfertable with me (at times too comfortable...) and doesn't act nervous. Rainbow Dash is ditto, Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie, and Applejack doesn't trust me. I think. I can't really tell.
Oh, and the small case of earth quaking. Just a little cliff note, but we should still look at it. Does Equestria have fault lines? That would suck. "Long ago, in the land known as Equestr- look out! The quakes are back! RUN FOR THE HILLS!" Anyway, I hope the quakes are going to stop. For a long time.
I was pulled from my mental state of thinking by the tap of a hoof on my side. "Hey, Braxton, remember that weird episode I had with the strange magical feeling?"
*facepalm* How could I forget that!? "Yeah, what about them? They stopped, right? They better have stopped."
"That's the thing. There's still an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. I think whatever it was, is still there."
Feel the wind? that's death! Smell the air? That's death! Feel that itching on the back of you neck? That's probably a mosquito... mosquito of death!
"Did you get a reply from Celestia?"
At this, Twilight gave a face-hoof of her own. And boy, was it a spectacular face-hoof! Loud smack and everything! "Oh, Spike is still at the libray! I told him to stay and look over things!"
Wait, when did you tell him that? I don't remember missing any part of, you know... being at the library. I didn't even notice that the little guy was missing. First aliens, then earthquakes. It just isn't his day, is it? Nope, its Joe's day. Every other Tuesday. Is it even Tuesday?
"Should we go back and check?"
"yes, yes we should! Sorry Applejack! I have to get something back at the library! You go on ahead, I know the way."
"Well sure, sugarcube! See you in a jiffy!"
~CATCHPHRASE USED! SUPER EFFECTIVE! A-MAZ-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!~
Sorry, that was just too awesome. I have heard somepony's catchphrase, guys! I AM NOW GOD. *gets struck by lightning*
Fake lightning aside, Twilight and I sprinted back to the library in what I can only assume would make Rainbow Dash proud. Or laugh. Probably laugh. In fact , I see her laughing in the sky right now. One day, I shall have my revenge. Much tickling will be done.
Eventually we reached the ruined libray, and ran/galloped inside. Spike was dusting (of all the things to do, you pick dusting. Really), and looked up at us in surprise. "Back already?"
"Spike, did Princess Celestia return my message yet?"
"Indeed she did, Twi. One moment!"
Spike ran up the tilted stairs, and only a few seconds later came back down clutching a scroll in his tiny little claws. "Here it is!"
Twilight magicked it out of his hand and into the air in front of her, then unrolled it. Her face remained passive, and me and Spike got really nervous. The nerve-racking kind of nervous.
"Well, what did it say?" I exclaimed, barely containing my excitement for what was to come.
"Hold your horses (ha! Pony pun!), I'll read it. *ahem*"
My dearest student,
I too sensed the disturbance in the natural magic. Neither me or Luna know the source, and the continuation of this anomaly is not bearing anything good, of that I am certain. If you can track down and find the source of this disturbance, it would be a great service to Equestria, my dearest student Twilight Sparkle. I have extreme faith in you.
Signed, Princess Celestia
Oh. My God. I just heard a letter from the princess of the greatest land known to humanity. Let me express my happiness below.
That felt good to get off of my chest. All those letters, just sitting uselessly in my throat! Had to do something with them. Even if it was an incoherent pile of idiocy, it was still something.
I think I was shacking on my feet with a maniac grin, because Twilight and Spike looked terrified. I quickly calmed down. They didn't look any less scared. "Its an Earth thing." The greatest fallback ever created, other than 'I need to murder the skunk, before the squirrel armies come!'
They still didn't look any less frightened. "Look, whatever I did that scared you, I won't do it again. alright?"
Twilight's brain just decided that whatever horror I committed wasn't worth it, and she just moved right the hay on. "Anyway, we should gather up the Elements of Harmony and scout out the disturbance a.s.a.p!"
I feigned ignorance. "What are the Elements of Harmony?"
"The Elements of Harmony are ancient artifacts and ideas that are the root of ponykind. They were used to seal away a spirit of chaos more than a thousand years ago, and exactly a thousand years ago, free Princess Celestia's sister, Luna, from a horrible hatred that had consumed her. Me and my friends are now the representations of these ideas, and can use then to purge disharmony from the world."
Wow. That makes you sound like some sort of god, Twilight. Not that that isn't the truth, but wow. Never really thought about how... odd the story of the Elements of Harmony is. Weird.
"Well, I guess that answers my question. So, we go round up your friends, and then go questing for the big bad magic thing?"
"Um, I think so?"
"Well, we better get started, right?"
And so I went on a great journey with the Mane Six. And it. Was. Glorious!
* * * * *
A/N: And yet another chapter completed! Did you all hear the Want It Need It cover by Miu? because if you haven't here it is. If you have, here it is.
A/N: Holy mother of bagels, more than 700 views in one night!? This is madness!!
Seriously though, I never expected this story to get anywhere, really. It's a self insert written about a thirteen year-old, by a thirteen year-old. You guys are the greatest. Anyways, I suppose you want me to write an actual chapter, so here we go!
* * * * *
The fact that Twilight had conceded with me about questing was awesome. The fact that we were going questing was awesome. The fact that I needed another churro was slightly less awesome.
"So we just pack some stuff, gather up your friends, and head out? That seems way too... simple, if you ask me." It really is too simple. Just go out and save the world, no problem. Just another day in the life of... some random guy. Not much of a ring to that, is there?
"Well, yes. Everypony else will have to pack as well, so we should probably wait a day as well so no one feels rushed, and then we're off!"
I guess things in Equestria really are that much more simple and care free. Now I feel super privileged to be given the chance to be here. Do they even have taxes here? Maybe I can settle down someday, adopt a foal, and marry somepony. Maybe Pinkie. My waifu! Mine!
Then I realized something. I had nothing to pack. Just myself and a nickel in my pocket, that's all. Not that many 'artifacts from another world' as Twilight would put it. On a completely related note, I want a donut. And a churro.
But my donut craving could wait another day, as I just barely noticed in time to duck a sleeping bag whizzing by my head. "Whoa! Watch were you magic that stuff!"
Twilight gave an apologetic blush and smile (HRNEGUGEH- *heart attack*). "Sorry! I'm just getting all the things we might need, according to this book."
Twilight, you should write a book about every single thing you know. There wouldn't be enough trees on your world or mine. I know I said you didn't know enough about laughing, but you have a book for everything! So logically, you must know everything!
So I just sat there in the corner, alone, not actually exposed to any harsh elements, pretty warm and toasty, relaxing against a wall. Wooooooooe is meeeee~!
As Twilight kept moving things around from random closets and bags and cupboards and what not, I watched in slight awe. It really is impressive how much she is moving around right now. My mind is thoroughly boggled. Like scrambled eggs. Wait...
I don't know when she finished, since I can only assume that I had dozed off or something, but I was suddenly assaulted by the evil fabrics of a blanket. I spasmed for a second, before noticing with my incredible powers of observation, that I wasn't getting eaten alive. Or dead.
"Wake up, sleepyhead! You need to pack too!"
I looked at her in confusion. "I don't have anything to pack." I gestured at the empty air around me. "Remember?"
"Pack some of my things, your going to need something if your going to come with us!"
I decided that she was indeed correct on that front. But there is always a back door! ... Even if I can't find it! "true enough. I don't know where anything in your house is, so um... I need help." Help! I need somepony~! Help! Not just anypony~!
Twilight led me around the library, and I picked up what remained of the random things that she had deemed necessary for packing. There was a shocking amount, too. Why do you have so many camping things at your house, Twilight? Answer me!
In the end I had a magically modified pair of saddle bags (so they could fit me), which were filled with a sleeping bag, some snacks, a book or two, and I think that's it. Leave it to Twilight to pack books.
"Off we go?"
"Eeeeee-yup!"
Twilight gave me a brief but noticeable glance that held recognition. Gee, what could have triggered it, the Big Macintosh quote, or the random bunny prancing through the yard. Whichever could it be?
Before it could stay on her face for too long, however, she wiped it off as we set out to find all the Elements of Harmony. First we went to Applejack's, who seemed flustered with all the plan changing. Can you really blame the poor gal? First we say we're sleeping at the barn, then we have something to do, and then we have to go on a big quest thing. Must be horrible for her mane. Wait, this isn't Rarity. Hold on a moment.
Then we stumbled upon Pinkie while on the way to Rainbow Dash's cloud home. She instantly agreed to go with us, and we got to have the rest of the churros! My stomach is now satisfied to an extreme degree of pony and food. Me gusta.
Rainbow Dash also agreed, though only after a churro. They are the ultimate and supreme method of leverage. Obviously.
Next came Rarity. When she first opened her door, I swear she just barely managed to hide the heart attack going on inside her chest. Then she screamed. Really, really loudly.
"Ouch, calm down Rarity! Braxton isn't going to hurt you!"
Guess what? She kept screaming.
"Oh, for the love of Pete, stop!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed before clamping Rarity's mouth closed with her bare hooves. I need to close quickly, and bullets too slow!
After an entire ten minutes of muffled screaming, she finally calmed down. Rainbow Dash hesitantly released her mouth, cautious of the possible return of the loud noise.
"A-and what, prey tell, is that!?" she pointed an accusatory hoof at me, and I wasn't sure how to feel. Probably angry, but my brain just said, 'derp, pony' and didn't do anything else, leaving little room for coherent and solid emotions.
Twilight gave an exasperated grunt. "This is Braxton. He isn't going to eat you or something, so please be polite, like you would with anypony else." Whoa there, Twilight, you need to go flaunting around your incredible diplomacy skills! Just chill, okay? Chill!
Rarity nodded her head slowly, almost forced. "Alright. H-how do you do, Braxton?"
"Pretty good, thank you."
She almost let out another scream, before halting it with a graceful hoof-shoved-into-mouth. Clearing her throat, she put up a very shaky smile. "Um, oh joy?"
I nodded, and stepped to the side to let Twilight explain the situation. As soon as helping royalty became mentioned, Rarity was all ears. Guess she really likes royalty, doesn't she? She agreed in the end, even after the initial misgivings. Which she did apologize for, when she discovered that I didn't act that different from ponies.
Lets look at the mental checklist, shall we? We have Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. Looks like the only one left is Fluttershy! I can't wait to met her!
...
Its going to go even worse than Rarity, won't it? Yeah.
Crap.
* * * * *
So now we stand just outside Fluttershy's cabin house thing. I'm not really sure what it is for certain, but it has leaves, and thus, IT LIVES!
We stepped up to the front door, and hesitated for a moment. I'm not talking one of us, or even a few of us, I'm talking all of us. At the same exact time, we all noticed the lack of ambient noise around the house. It was unnerving, since somewhere with tons of animals nearby should have some noise at least, right?
Then I took the initiative and knocked! Yeah! SOOOO impressive! I heard a surprised squeal from behind the door, and saw just a speck of pink mane and cream colored Pegasus in the window. Then a shrill scream could be heard, followed by the sound of at least five different locks being locked. This is a perfect example of what modern society calls, "How to get rejected"
Rainbow Dash decided that it must be her duty to solve this problem. "Um, Fluttershy? Its okay, he doesn't bite!"
Ha. Ha, chortle chuckle. Laugh. guffaw chortle laugh chuckle. Chuckle.
Hearing nothing from inside, Rainbow persisted. "Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of! At least open the door?"
A small, almost imperceptible creaking could be heard as the door opened the smallest fraction of an inch you have ever seen. Your ruler probably would have a hard time figuring out how little the length was. "Y-y-yes Rainbow D-Dash?"
"Fluttershy, its safe to come out. Braxton isn't going to hurt you."
"Are you sure?"
"yes."
"Super-uper-duper sure?"
"Yes, Fluttershy. I am as sure as a Pegasus can be."
Fluttershy took a tentative step out into the world after undoing the locks. It was a slow and meticulous process, filled with drama and decision making. It was also like seeing a goddess reveal herself. I swear, this is exactly what was running through my mind;
Wow. Fluttershy sure is incredib-
Braxton.
Whoa, who is that?
This is God. I have a message for you.
Really, what is it?
You have acheived enlightenmint.
Hellejuha, brother. Brohoof.
Brohoof.
That was what my mind was thinking. That I had achieved enlightenment. That nothing could top the revalation of the most cute an huggable and all around awesome mare that was Fluttershy. It was an un-boxing. In real life. With real pony.
Finally, she came fully into view. All however many pounds of scared-silliness that made up her being. Barely containing my sheer, excitement and joy, I held out a hand for her to shake. She tapped it. Very, very lightly. I almost didn't feel it. I gave her a smile before retracting my hand from her hoof. She kind of returned it.
Then silence waltzed in and took a seat in the front row, blocking half the audiences view of what was happening. That is how you missed her glomp me. No, I am not lying. I got glomped by Fluttershy.
My best guess is that she made the decision to think of me as a giant animal. Something that needed her gentle and kind care and attention. She instantly became happy, nowhere near as shy, which lead to said glomping. I was in euphoria. I could have had a heart attack and died right then and there, I would still be the happiest in all of my life. Pinkie may still be best pony, but Fluttershy was trying her hardest. And it was working.
No one else was okay with the sudden shift in personality, though, they all reared back, eyes wide with the unexpectedness of the tackle hug. I'm pretty sure Rainbow Dash thought she had lost in, with the way she was looking at her.
"Uh, you okay FLuttershy? One second you were scared out of your wits, and now your... hugging him?"
All of the sudden, Fluttershy's shyness returned, and she got off of me with a ridiculous blush. "Oh, um, I didn't mean to... Oh dear..."
I just smiled and sat up. "Its alright, Fluttershy. No need for an apology or anything like that."
She gave me another smile, devoid of fear, which made me chuckle. The old mood swing has been ridden on more than a few times today, it seems. "Oh, that's good. W-why were you all here again?"
It was Twilight's time to shine. "We came here to see if you wanted to help us all go and investigate the source of a strange disturbance with the natural magic. Will you come?"
"Um, how l-long of a trip is it?"
"We aren't sure. We have to go find the source of the disturbance, and then see if we can fix it. So pack for a long camping trip. If your coming, that is."
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of letting you girls... and Braxton... go out without me! Then I wouldn't have any company here, would I?"
Everypony grinned. "Glad you agree, Fluttershy! So, we will set out tomorrow, so be packed by then. Everypony, go back to your own homes and pack yourselves. We have a long journey ahead of us, bring food, water, and camping supplies."
We all nodded, Fluttershy went back inside, and everyone went their separate ways. Me and Twilght stuck with Applejack, the earlier plan of sleeping there still holding strong. Applejack has grown more talkative around me, with open chatter about my world spilling into the conversation.
"So ya'll can fly around in these big metal bird thangs?"
I nodded. "Yeah, but we call them planes. You can think of the as giant chariots. They're kind of similar. Sort of."
"Interesting. Anyways, what do ya'll do fer entertainment?"
"Well, the most common would have to be this thing called television." Oh, I could spill the beans right here and now. Better tread carefully.
"And what in tarnation is that?"
"A television is this large box that displays moving images. We use it to show us shows, like a play at your fingertips."
"That sounds awfully convenient."
"It is. There are thousands of shows on at any given time, and you can change between them with the push of a button. Since we make the shows, there are tons of different kinds, like books almost. Drama, comedy, sad, you name it, its there."
"So its some sort of giant library turned into a play." Everything's a library to you, isn't it Twilight? Am I a library? Hmmmm~?
"Um, sure. We can go with that, I guess."
We arrived at the farm. It was as bright and cheery as any other Ponyville house, the same pink coloration present. The smell of apples wafted through the air and into my nose, and they smelled gooooooood. Insanely good. They have no right smelling this good. "This place smells like heaven."
Applejack gave a hearty southern laugh, one that seemed to warm my soul just hearing it. Maybe Applejack is a necromancer. "Well thank ye kindly for the compliments, though the smell aint nothin' compared to the taste."
That does it. I need apples, stat! "Can I have some, and see if they live up to your boasting?"
"This aint boastin', this is the truth!"
"Then lead the way, my good pony!"
Applejack walked to the side of the barn, and we all followed. She opened a large door that lead right to the barn. The smell grew even stronger, and I was salivating all over the place!
Spread out in large wooden crates were apples. Lots and lots of apples. What else there would be, I don't know, but all I wanted was apples. Not even waiting to be handed one, I just dove into one of the crates. I was swimming like a happy little dolphin. A pink one. Or is it more maroon? I don't know my colors. Are maroon and pink even similar?
At some point, I heard laughter all around me, and poked my head out of the mass of apples, one clutched in my hand. They were sprawled out on the floor, laughing their silly little pony plots off. The sight was too much, and I quickly joined them in the outrageous laughter.
After that little bout of stupid, we headed inside. Everypony agreed that I needed a shower. Even Applejack, for buck's sake! I decided that resistance was futile once Twilight threatened to turn me into a newt. That cliche is scary as hell when its pointed at you, and you know it can happen for real. *shiver*
After showering, I got out, dried off on the towels, which were really plush and and soft to the touch. I put my clothes back on, and walked out. That had so much purpose behind it, don't you think?
I walked down the stairs back to the main room, and found Twilight, Applejack, and Applebloom all playing Sorry! The board game. (f you don't know what Sorry! Is, then look it up.
They all glanced at me, and Applebloom instantly tackled me with stereotypical kid enthusiasm. She hadn't seen me yet, so I guess that's expected, I just hope she doesn't go, "Cutie Mark Crusader Monster Slayer, YAY!"
They also hadn't mentioned her to me yet. "Hello there, who's this little filly?"
"Mah name's Applebloom! Are you really from a different dimensa-thing?"
I chuckled. This was awesome. "Yes, Applebloom, I am from a different dimension. If you don't mind, could you get off my stomach?"
Applebloom gasped as she realized she was being impolite to a house guest. "Oh mah gosh, ahm' sorry!"
I patted her on the head. Her mane felt really soft. Almost addicting in nature. Hold still while I go get some scissors...
"It's alright, I'm not hurt or anything. I'm just glad you didn't scream, or something. That seems to be the usual response." Good thing Rarity wasn't here, she would have blushed in shame. Actually, she should be here, that would be cute. Oh Rares~!
I pointed at the board game. "We have that in our world too. Funny coincidence right there."
Twilight, with good reason, looked shocked. "Wait, really? But the chances of that are so, so... small!"
"I know Twilight. I know. That doesn't make it any less true!" I said in an almost sing-song voice. Applebloom was making me happy. Her and Sweetie bell are tied for cutest baby pony, so I was happy regardless of what was going on. They could be having a funeral and I would be hiding a smile. Unless Applebloom was crying, in which case I would be bawling my guts out.
Anyways, they continued their game, and I watched. It was an exact replica of the version from Earth, and every time I said so seemed to drive Twilight closer to the edge of uncontrollable curiosity. Eventually, she burst, like a balloon. Which all float by the way. They all float.
"ARGH! I can't take this anymore. She pulled me next to her with magic, and shook me by the shoulders. "Tell me more! I must know!" Yay~! Crazy knowledge hungry pony, go~!
I thought about it. In the end, I could not resist trolling. I'm so wonderfully horrible. "It'll make good talk for while we travel. For now, I could use a few good winks of sleep."
Then I used hypnosis on myself. It was super effective.
A/N: I think that it's funny how at first, everyone was like 'self inserts aren't veiwed well by most... This is kind of funny...' and now you are all like, 'I need MORE! RIGHT NOW!' it's kind of hilarious, in a way. Anyways, story!
* * * * *
I was rudely shaken awake by an eager purple hoof. "Wha? Who dat? Who dat pokin' meh?"
Twilight was in no mood for half asleep shenanigans, and poked even harder. Hooves hurt. "Alright, I'm awake! Jeez!"
"Its time to go! Come on! Everypony is waiting outside!" I looked out the window, and saw the sun well into the sky. Bah, Celestia's life purpose and meaning can go to hell for all I care.
"I like sleeping. Can somepony carry me?" I was rewarded for my ingenious plan with another poke. "Okay! I'm up! I am walking, out the door, into the sun! My legs. Are. Moving!"
I was nearly blinded when I stepped outside, and everything looked white. Now I was thinking about egg whites, and I was hungry. I briefly considered eating Applejack, since she probably tasted as good as the apples she grows, but then decided against that since I don't have any knives. Moral compass? What's that~?
Everypony gave me happy waves, each and every one of them. They were all there, with smiles that were, were... awake. Curse them and there not stupid sleeping habits!
"Hey, ponies... your all colorful and... and stuff." I could really use some caffeine. Does anypony here have a caffeine Cutie Mark? The strange human needs food badly.
"Well then, since everypony is here, plus one human, I think we're set to go! You all have your bags, right?" Twilight asked, and everypony said yes. I was about to say no, when my bag floated down from the heavens and landed on my shoulders. My sleep-addled brain though it was some sort of monster, and I poked it a few times, to be certain it was thoroughly defeated!
"Now I just need to find out what direction its in, and then we're off!" Twilight lit her horn, and her face screwed into concentration. I was too busy staring at the pretty lights to notice. When her horn stopped glowing, and a bright blue arrow appeared in front of her pointing towards Canterlot castle, she gave a satisfied smirk.
"Oh, since its near Canterlot, I can teleport us there!"
Her horn glowed again, and we became enveloped in a shimmering pink sphere. A giant pink bubble. Ditzy Doo would be proud.
Then my stomach was tossed to the ground and asked to hoof over his bits. The sudden wrenching feeling left me in this limbo feeling, like I didn't know what was happening, why it was happening, and where my internal organs had gone. I shed a single tear for my loss as the blurred mess of land smeared itself around our little group.
When it ended, I vomited.Shocking, I know. I didn't see it coming until roughly twenty seconds before it happened either. Strangely enough, no one but me looked even slightly thrown off balance. Do you all have iron stomachs? Where did you get them! Was it E-Bay!?
"You alright there, sugarcube?" I wish I was a sugarcube, Applejack. Then I wouldn't have a stomach to sacrifice to the gods, on accident.
"Nope!" I said as I stood back up and put on a triumphant grin. What I had triumphed over will remain a mystery for the rest of time. Or to quote a certain filly, 'For-EVER!'
"And to what do I owe this... surprise, my star pupil?"
What? No, it can't be! We couldn't possibly have gone to... Equestr- oh wait. The voice that had spoken still surprised me, and I looked over to see the one and only sun goddess, Princess Celestia! I paid my deepest respects.
"You raise the thing."
She gave me a dubious stare, one eyebrow raised and everything. "I do indeed raise the thing. I assume you are the creature Twilight mentioned in her letter last night?"
Whoa, when did Twilight send a letter? Does she have dragon fire in a bottle? I want some! That would make a great... something! Maybe an oven. Yeah. A blue one. With clouds on it.
I glanced to Twilight, and gave a hopeful stare. "You mentioned me? To the Princess? I feel all warm inside!" I was being honest. I did feel warm. Must be the weather.
"Um, yes?" Poor Twilight, you don't even know the answer to a question that, that you... should know. That was so witty, that I had stop and contemplate the meaning of life while guffawing at my concentrated hilarity. There is absolutely no sarcasm here. None what-so-ever. Don't check my pockets.
Celestia chuckled at me and my silliness, and then cleared her throat, taking on a serious tone. "I assume that you are here because of the task I gave you?"
Twilight nodded. "We sure are, Princess! If you look at the arrow, its pointing towards the top of Mt. Cotoponi!"
I felt like there should have been some sort of dramatic sound effect, even though nopony reacted in shock or fear, and this wasn't a movie. This. Is. ANIMATION! "Is Mt. Cotoponi the mountain Canterlot Castle is on?"
Twilight nodded. "Yes, it is. Mt. Cotoponi is the only mountain in Equestria, and has been around for more than a thousand years." Alright class, take out your notebooks, its note taking time~!
"So we have to climb it?" I don't know why I was having such a hard time grasping this concept. When something's at the top of a mountain, you have to climb the mountain. This isn't hard, me! Snap out of it! Or I'll slap you out of it myself!
Celestia, took a sip from a tea cup that had been floating next to her, and nodded. "You should head out quickly. I have no idea what the magical problem might be, but I want to know before it causes more trouble. Best of luck to you, faithful student and friends!"
We waved, and set out of Canterlot Castle. Your cameo may have been brief, Celestia, but it was worth it. The awesome leaking off of you managed to rejuvenate me to a not drunken state of sleepiness.
Leaving Canterlot Castle (Getting many looks on the way), we left through a tall and ominous gateway. The quote 'funny, how imperial walls used to make me feel so safe...' popped into my head, and I smiled. I have something dastardly to solve, and I'm going around thinking about gaming. Glad I have my priorities strait.
"D-do we have to go u-up there?" Fluttershy whispered, moving towards me of all the ponies present to hide behind. Strange, this one is.
"Sorry, but we do Fluttershy. We don't want to leave Equestria hangin', do we?" Rainbow Dash said, already hovering in midair. First I was jealous of magic, now I want wings. Or maybe I could be an Alicorn! Then I could raise the, the... huh. Raise the alarm during an emergency, maybe?
I ran forward, while deciding that the best way to get this ship sailing (Not that ship) was to proclaim something silly. "Adventure, hooooooooooo~!" I pointed dramatically while I said this, and Pinkie joined me. Afterword we gave each other nods of respect, and then bounced down the winding path. Both of us. At the same time. So much awesome.
"Oh lord all mighty, he's learnin' Pinkie's way's. We're doomed!" Applejack cried with mock terror. Everypony gave a laugh, and moved out, trying to catch up with me and Pinkie, who had never stopped while they joked.
They did catch up with us, and Twilight took the lead with her magic pointer, which I assume would be handy in school, since ponies don't have hands.
This of course meant that she could finally badger me more about Earth. "What other board games are on earth? What's your favorite television show? Is it good?"
I took a step away from her. "That is way too many questions for one guy to handle at a time. Slow down, and try again."
Twilight took a deep breath, and looked me in the eye. "How similar is Earth to Equestria?"
"Really similar. We speak the same language, we have some of the same board games, stuff like that. But Equestria is much more peaceful than earth, and functions very differently, case in point magic."
She nodded, absorbing everything I said, even though that had been something covered on day one. "I am curious about the televisions you mentioned. Do you have a favorite show?"
Should I reveal that I have been stalking them through dimensions, or let them think I'm harmless? Such a hard decision... "Not really, no."
"I wish I could see one. That would be so interesting and new! I bet I could learn all kinds of things from it!"
Yeah, T.V is just the most educational thing to hit human kind since sliced bread. The most popular stuff is violence, and you don't want that, do you? I mean, Pinkie might, if Cupcakes is real, but the rest of you most likely don't. I hope.
The path continued to weave and wind as Twilight asked me more questions, all of them about the minute details of human society, like 'what the most popular book genre is' and 'who your leader is' and stuff like that. I answered her the best I could, but after awhile, I needed some portable party to fill me up with confetti.
"Hey, Pinkie."
She looked at me with the biggest, most awesome smile ever. "Yes, Braxton?"
"Do you know why they call it a hacksaw?"
She seemed to go into a deep ponderous state, thinking about all the meaningful things that a hacksaw could represent. "I don't know. Do you hack with it?"
"No, you saw with it. They call it a hack saw, but you don't hack. That's what you do with knives." This joke that only I would understand was so fun to go around spouting, and the nature of it just made it all the better. "So what do you think it should be called, Pinkie?"
"I think it should be called a sawsaw!"
I raised my hand for the greatest Brohoof that would ever occur. "Indubitably."
Then she smacked her hoof into my fist, and my life was complete. The feeling of being the best human alive came to me, and I felt that it was a very reasonable feeling. I am content with the pony.
Mountains, you see, don't like content people. Because as soon as the feeling got settled inside of me, nature decided to throw me a curve-ball and put the creepiest forest that has ever been seen by a mortal's eyes right in front of us. There aren't enough cliches to cover all the things scary about it, and that's saying something.
"Hold me."
I leapt at Pinkie, and shockingly enough, I landed squarely on her back. "Don't worry, Braxie-waxie, your auntie Pinkie Pie will protect you!" I could survive by eating the sheer epic-ness seeping off of you, Pinkie. And I'm hungry. Hold still a second, will you...?
Rainbow Dash let out a snort at my silly behavior and kept moving towards the forest. Then the most hideous creature known to all sentient life stepped from the shadow of the looming trees, the wicked glow in its eyes just screaming evil at me.
It was... A BUNNY!
In a daring maneuver, Dash kept advancing! Don't do it Dash, your life is too valuable! She kept going, despite my mental warnings! The bunny glared at her, failing to intimidate the brave Rainbow Dash!
Everypony else moved towards the tree line, Pinkie still pulling me along. It was much more relaxing to ride on a pony than to walk among them. Laziness wins all wars, even the stupid ones! That stuff people say about working hard? Utter horse crap.
We moved into the forest, and Rarity shivered at the atrocity surrounding her. "Good heavens, this place is an eyesore! I wish I didn't have to look at it anymore!"
I was just thinking about how Rarity probably jinxed us, when Rarity jinxed us. The tree cover suddenly got much thicker, and only a few stray lines of light from above came through. Twilight's magic arrow did illuminate the area just around our group though, so there was that at least. Maybe she should put it out, to complete the effect.
Fluttershy came up next to me and Pinkie, and was shivering all over the place. Even in the tail, which shouldn't even be able to shiver. Ponies, why must you taunt logic so?
"t-this place is really scary, P-Pinkie Pie."
"Don't be silly, filly! All you need to do is laugh!"
Oh my god. Is this really happening? Can it be true? Yep. Yep it is. Allow me to join Pinkie in what she is about to do, secrecy be damned!
"When I was a little filly, And the sun was going doooooooooooown~! The darkness and the shadows, They would always make me frooooooooooown~! I'd hide under my pillow, At what I thought I'd saw, But Granny Pie said that wasn't the way to deal with fears at aaaaaaaall~!"
We sung that whole song, every single line of pure pony awesome. I was shivering with joy when we finished, before joining Pinkie in the greatest laughing contest ever to be beheld by a living soul! The dead, though, have seen some crazy laugh contests. You have no idea.
Needless to say, everypony was staring at me with the widest eyes you have ever seen. Their mouths were hanging open, and they looked comical. This caused me and Pinkie (Bless her soul for all eternity) to laugh even harder, and only stop after a few minutes.
"H-how in Equestria's name did yew know that song?" Applejack asked, looking truly frightened. Whatever knew the songs born from Pinkie's mind cannot be trusted. Never. Not in a million years.
"I too am curious about how you know that song..." Twilight said, stepping closer to examine me. Everypony leaned in, eager to get the scoop on Braxton.
"Pinkie showed me." I said simply. "When she was giving out churros, she passed me a note with this song on it." That was the most bull crap answer that has ever been given for any question, ever. If they fall for this, I swear that I-
"Oh. That explains a lot." Said Twilight, all hints of distrust gone.
Okay, now that that has been aptly summerized, we can move on. The edge of the completely ramdon forest was in sight, and we sprinted for it. In the process I fell off of Pinkie's back and was forced to... walk! *breaks into tears*
Just outside of the forest-of-dark-and-gloomy-things (official title, I swear), more weirdness awaited us. A random pit stretched before us, with the vertical wall of the mountain on one side, the drop off on the other. This wasn't a little pit, either, it was deep. I could already tell I would fall in, like every other pit I have seen.
At the bottom of the pit was a plant. It was this massive thing with giant pods hanging from it. the thing was at least twenty feet tall, the pods the size of an average human. It scared the living bananas out of me. I asked Twilight what it was, and her eyes lit up with knowledge. The know-lamp, from Equestrian Innovations.
"That is the rare Shifter plant, which defends itself by surrounding a creature with one of it's pods and casting a polymorph spell on it."
"What does it turn them into?"
"It is compley random, so don't fall in. You could be a walrus for the next few days of your life."
"Could it turn me into, say, a pony?" I was doing a cheshire grin by now, the idea forming in my head a brilliantly stupid one. I give you -1 guesses, since you don't need more than that to figure out my plan. It is so well concealed, I know.
Twilight gave me a don't-act-like-an-imbicile look, and my smile only grew that much wider. "Don't take the risk, Braxton. There is such a small chance that you would become a pony is so small, you have a less than one percent chance of becoming what you want. Besides, there are easier ways to turn you into a pony."
Well Twilight, you have just made certain that I do not give up my quest. "And what would these methods be, exactly?"
"I could cast a polymorph spell of my own and-" She stopped as she realized what she was saying. Ever heard the phrase, 'don't feed the animals'? This is the same thing. It's too late to turn back now, Twilight. You have to go through with this.
"Can you cast a polymorph spell right now~?" I asked in a sing song voice. The possibility of what could be happening is just that awesome. SO awesome, in fact, that I had to take some medicine. One of this medicine's side effects was 'death' but that doesn't matter right now. Pony matters.
With no way to deny the truth, Twilight spilled the beans. "Yes, I can. But! I am not very good at polymorphing things, and there is always something wrong with the product. I only know an irreversible version as well, so whatever changes I make would be permanent!"
"That's fine with me. I would like to be ponyfied with a side of fries, please."
Twilight looked flustered with this spotlight suddenly shining on her. "Are you sure you want that?"
I gave a fierce nod. "Yes, I am."
"Are you certain you want this to happen?"
"Yes."
"Well, alright, here goes..." Twilight took a stance, spreading her legs and bracing her self against the ground. Her horn began to glow, and I was surrounded by a glowing and shimmering cacoon.
The changing process? Weird as hell. Everything inside and out starts to move around, changing positions and adopting new shapes. Nothing feels right about yourself, nothing familiar presenting itself.
The cacoon faded, and everypony was staring at me in shock. Like, waaaaay more shock than should have been present from me just being a pony. Rarity pulled a mirror from her saddle bags (of course) and holds in font of my face. I stare at my reflection long and hard contemplating the change that I hadn't expected to be part if the deal. But I found my self saying one thing.
"I am okay with this."
* * * * *
A/N: You guys may or may not like the surprise I have in store next chapter. Prepare for the unexpected.
I looked in the mirror, and took in the new me. I had a long and ragged burgundy mane, almost the color of blood. My coat was a dark tan color, like wet sand. Now I feel all sandy. Great.
That wasn't the biggest change, by far. I would probably feel it more if the transition from human to pony wasn't so mind blowing already, but I just couldn't tell the difference.
Yup, Looking back at me in the mirror was a filly.
In all honesty, the part of me that wants to Rule 63 everything in existence was expecting this as soon as she said that something always goes wrong, but it still took me by surprise. The part of me that always wants chips was also surprised.
But as I said before, I was both okay with this, and couldn't really feel the difference. Everything felt wrong, like some schmuck had stolen my arms and legs, before putting them on blind folded. The result was not a pretty one. Actually, in this case, it was. I look so huggable, so that is what I did. Hug myself. In front of everypony.
I think it's needless to say that Twilight was apologizing the hell out of me. "Ohmygsohohmygsohohmygsoh, I am so sorry, I never should have done this, what have I done..." I let her ramble on far a minute, before trying to raise a hoof to her lips and silence her. That failed, so I had to use voice.
"Twilight, it's okay, honestly." Whoa, does it sound weird to have a female voice. I suddenly feel like I should go up in the tallest tower of Disney castle and sing about wanting more in my life. Strange.
"No this is not alright, I made you a filly! And I can't change you back! Oh no, oh no...!" Sweat was beginning to pour down her coat, and I briefly thought about wet mane-ing all the ponies before setting my priorities mostly strait. I am to lazy to make them completely strait.
"Twilight, take some deep breathes, and sit down. Just calm down, okay? Can you do that?" I( said in a calm voice, making certain to keep all hints of stress out of my voice. It wasn't hard, since there was no stress in my voice, but I can pretend I did something if I want. Shut up!
Twilight did breath a little less fast, and sat down next to me. I wanted to comfort her with a hug or something, but when I can't manage to raise a hoof, that's like asking me to run a marathon. I have plenty trouble with just one mile, thank you very much!
"Alright, alright. We can fix this somehow, there has to be a spell that can fix this..." Twilight was almost muttering to herself. She was missing the point, and it needed to be delivered in the Royal Canterlot Speaking Voice!
"I DON'T MIND THE CHANGE!" I blasted into her face. My yell literally blew her mane back, and she had the most comically surprised face. It took all of my (Not so) considerable willpower to resist laughing my newly gained plot off. Hey wait, I have a plot! I am a living meme. Bow down, lesser folk.
After a few seconds, she looked at me with a confused look, one that reminded me of a child. "You... don't mind my blunder?"
"Nope, I just hate you blundering about over the blunder that you blundered on." Ha! I just stole a word and used it a lot! Take that!
"You aren't just saying that to calm me down, are you?" she asked, questioning me with her purple eyes.
That question should never be asked. Do you really think the person is just going to tell that yes, they actually hate your guts? It's like asking an assassin if her plans on killing you. He isn't going to say yes, unless he is a master of reverse physiologic! You clever bastard, you...
"No Twilight, I am not just trying to lull you into a sense of false security. That would be silly, filly!" See, now I get to use pony jokes, because I'm a pony. You can't stop me, there's this little thing called a dimension stopping you. If you had Pinkie with you, maybe, but not as it is.
"Alright, if you really don't mind, then lets go." Twilight stood, and began trotting away, before looking back and noticing that I had not risen. She did notice the over the top expression of concentration, and the spasmodic legs that were trying and failing to gain purchase.
She face-hoofed, and I felt somepony pulling me to my hooves, I looked to my sides, and saw Applejack and Fluttershy lifting me up. I placed my hooves as firmly as I could on the mountainous terrain, and when I felt I was ready, I nodded. They let go.
I... *sniff* I am so proud of myself, I managed to stand up like a strong little filly. I knew that you could do it, me! I knew deep inside! *loud honking sound*
"Hey, I'm standing! I'M STANDING! Woo-hoo!" This is one small step for man, and one shaky step for mankind!
Applejack giggled, Fluttershy gave a proud smile, and Pinkie had that foam hand and was waving it around while hollering. The sight was so heartwarming, that I had to use an ice pack on my heart. Don't ever try that. Strange things happen when you do.
Then I noticed Rarity looking at my mane. "Is something the matter?" I said, hoping to gain knowledge of what was making her stare. I realized what it was a moment before she said it.
"You need a good brushing, pronto!" Oh boy, here me go. I will screw manliness as much as I want if it means having Rarity pamper me! See, I say that Pinkie is best pony, and she is, but all the ponies are amazing. And Rarity happens to be the only one who can make you clothes and kick manticores in the face! The perfect combo!
Before I could even bat an eyelash (I have eyelashes now, since I'm a lady and stuff. Oddly enough, saying that doesn't feel odd. That is odd.), I was sitting down on a carpet, with rarity literally inches from my muzzle and brush in magic grasp! I heard Rainbow dash groan, before the pampering began.
It was bliss.
I really don't know how else to describe it. The brush running through my mane just felt relaxing, and a happiness just decided to move in. Nobody objected to its sudden appearance, so it stayed. And it was an awesome neighbor.
I was sad when it ended. I was honest to God thinking of shedding tears when I felt the stroking stop, but then I saw the mirror go in front of my face again, and I looked stunning. Modesty be murdered and dumped in a landslide, I would date me! I bet there is a spell for that. I'll have to speak to Twilight.
Instead of the usual ragged, windswept look I had, it was long and flowing. My mane was still pretty strait, but it weaved a little, reminding me of water ripples somehow. I have a water mane, meaning I can drown you if you insult it. You have been warned. Evil grin.
I oooo-ed and aaaaah-ed, staring at the glorious blob of red that was attached to my head. Then I thought, 'thatssssss a very nice mane you have there, be a shame if sssssomething were to happen to it...' Yep, I'm a pony , just got my mane done by Rarity, and the most appropriate thing is that. you do me proud, brain.
My wonderment did not go lost on her, and she fluttered her eyes and waved her mane. "I've never done a bad job in my whole career!" I nodded, and then decided that we had wasted enough time looking at me and my pretty-ful self.
Once we got moving again, we made good time. Wait, no we didn't, because I don't know how to walk. Correction, we moved slower than a snail with a hangover. That sounds about right.
"Come on, you just put one hoof in front of the other!" Pinkie exclaimed as she hopped in circles around me. I was slowly getting the hang of it, but it was by no means easy. It did not come quickly, you lying fan fictions! I will have my revenge!
"Too many hooves!" I was trying to get the pattern down, and it was left front, right back, right front, right back. It is so much harder to manage four legs instead of one. Try eating dinner without raising your good hand above the table. Then you know how I feel.
It was at this exact moment that I realized I had no idea what kind of pony I was. It's like not knowing if you owe everyone you know $15 bucks. But with your body, which makes it that much more weird. I know I'm not a unicorn (sad face), since I checked in the mirror in the fist place.
So I turned to look at my back, and briefly paused to enjoy the feeling of my neck cracking. But that isn't why I turned around. I turned around to see if I had a pair of fluffy feathers sprouting from my back. And I was not disappointed.
"I have wings." I then preceded to sqee, followed by a spasm of joy. When I became aware of what I was doing, I was already twitching all the way across the sky. It takes skill to flail that much. Needless to say, I was once again the target of startled gazes.
"I don't even know how I'm surprised by you at this point." said Twilight, while sighing. Does that mean I'm getting predictable? I need to solve this problem!
Bacon in the applesauce will give you malaria when you fry it in the marshmallow goop.
Now that you don't know what is happening, let us carry on!
I did manage to get to my feet (Hooves! Hooves, you fool! Gah!) after a few tries, which was better than before. Slowly getting better and better, we move up the mountainside, and our progress was getting faster and faster.
And did I trip like a horse with half melted ice cubes for hooves. I was getting bruised so many times, My coat was getting unnervingly close to Twilight's. That isn't good. So the most obvious solution is to use spray paint! Yay~!
When we finally did get to the top of Mt. Whats-its-face, everypony but me did a double take. I took the chance to stare at my wings again. They were so beautiful, and, and... beautiful, I just wanted to use them as a pillow and fall asleep. It's like caffeine strapped to my back, which is something bad for everyone else. But for me, it brings me that much closer to world domination!
While I was busy looking at myself, Twilight and the gang was looking at the inside of the mountain with confusion and shock. "I don't get it, Mt. Cotoponi is supposed to be a non-active volcano, this makes no sense!"
Whelp, that explains their confusion. When you see a mountain spouting fire, when it shouldn't be spouting fire, you tend to get a little flabbergasted. Unless it was your pet dog, in which case you would be leaping about with joy.
I manged to walk up to them, with out tripping. So many accomplishments today~! "So something i seriously wrong here, and we don't know why. That's a problem if I ever saw one."
"Well, yeah, there shouldn't be any logical way yo explain this kind of-" Twilight just stopped in mid sentence, and I glanced at her. She wasn't moving. I don't mean she passed out and was lying n the ground not moving, I mean she froze right where she stood. So did everypony else, from the looks of things.
"Uhhhhhhhhh..." That left me in a very odd scenario. since I couldn't,t ask any of them what was going on. I could, however, polka dance, but that doesn't solve the issue. What to do, what to do...
Turns out, it was to fall on my back in surprise. The world around me turned grey, and a deep rumbling was echoing from the mountain crater. "This doesn't bode well, does it?" I mused, before a column of fire and lava erupted almost in front of my face. It bodes so well, what are you talking about? :D
Strangely enough, I wasn't burnt or even feeling warm. The stuff was just as grey as everything else, so it didn't work right, I guess? Apparently the world's warranty ran out, everything is going haywire. We need a replacement, preferably by Tuesday if possible.
As the lava fell away, A solitary figure remained floating in midair. I blinked, rubbed, and hosed down my eyes, but the figure remained.
It looked like some sort of dragon made from ancient rock. Flowing runes curved across its body, glowing a faint blue color. Spines arched from its back, and gears and pipes could be seen underneath the stone plating. Two large and angry red sockets glowed in its face, looking right at me. If I knew how to side step, I would have.
"Why have you crossed the planes, human? "
I didn't understand the problem at first, so I just cocked my head to the side and pleaded for some explanation. It didn't give any. A pair of pants could have told me more helpful stuff. I mean, come on, dragon clockwork thing! Your being out done by my pants!
"The laws set by our forefathers has been broken, and you are to blame."
What was it talking about? Something like a movie plot, I imagine. Ancient thing says you did bad things, must make amends. Sounds cliche yo me, I don't know about you though.
"Leave this realm, or divine punishment will be delivered to you and your friends."
Then just like that, the thing disappeared. I was in a really boggled state of mind when all the ponies around me started moving again. And they had seen the thing as well. ""That guy could really use a party! He wasn't laughing at all!" That is exactly the problem, Pinkie. Not enough party.
"What was that thing? This doesn't make any sense, even less than the suddenly active volcano!" Twilight said as she began to frantically pace in front of me. Now that I didn't tower over her, a whole new perspective was available for me. The one of being a filly. It's funner than you might think.
"That thang gives meh the creeps!" Applejack said while she gave a little shudder. I agree, it wasn't the most comforting thin that we could have found. If the disturbance had been, say, a giant puppy made of chocolate, I think we would all be in a better mood.
"Well, it said that I have to leave, but Twilight doesn't have a spell to do that." Aforementioned purple mare bowed her head in shame, and I would have lifted it up if I could trot closer. I should really work on learning how to walk properly, shouldn't I?
"Hey, din't look so glum Twilight. I've had the most fun here than anywhere else!" She looked a little more hopeful, though still in the dumps. That means I need to give her a metaphorical shower to clear away the metaphorical trash.
"Twilight, you said everypony here is the embodiment o fan Element of Harmony, right? And weren't they used to stop big, bad evil things before? So logically, you should be able to use them again!"
"I, I guess so..."
Now everypony else got where I was coming from. "We have defeated a god of chaos before, dear!" Rarity added, still sounding a little scared herself. Rarity, to be supportive, you have to be supported yourself!
"Yeah! That hunk of rock didn't look so tough anyways!" Rainbow Dash half shouted while doing a somersault. Do you ever stop doing tricks, Rainbow Dash? Is there some sort of Pegasus disease that makes fly all the time? Do you have it?
By now, Twilight was looking like her good old adorkable self. "You guys are right, this won't be any harder than the other evils we triumphed over! But, how do we stop it if it isn't here anymore?" Huh. that is a good question. How do you stop something that isn't there?
I wasn't the only one pondering this. We were all stroking our imaginary beards, trying to figure out that one problem. I had no idea, so I tried to walk around some more. May as well get used to it if we have an all powerful monster to fight! Surely walking is his one weakness!
Then I wanted to try and fly. Because I'm doing so well walking, obviously flying will be a breeze! I flapped my wings a few times, after I figured out how, and I didn't come close to even rising in the air. I was standing there fanning myself, rather than accomplishing anything.
I heard Fluttershy give a sigh. "M-maybe we should wait back in Ponyville for that thing to show itself? Then w-we could be back home while we wait!"
It was anonemous that the greatest plan yet was that one. That might have had something to do woth the fact that there wasn't any other plans, but we can say it great anyways.
So we started to go back down the mountain, much slower than we came up. You can thank my legs for that. They just love cooperating, don't they? I just love them so much.
We got back to Canterlot, Twilight got a chariot from Celestia, and we flew back to Ponyville. On the way, rarity wanted to work even more on my mane, and I let her. I still don't understand how it feels so good, but it does. I bet the awkwardness of me being, you know, a girl, will set in later, but for now, everything was good.
A/N: So, someone said I should have me and Pinkie kiss somehow. They didn't care how or why, but they wanted it to happen. It wasn't my original plan to ship myself with any of the mane six, but I think if the fans are encouraging it, I just might need to. So, I don't know for sure if this will come to be, but you have been warned.
* * * * *
After an hour or so of sitting in a chariot, one's legs tend to get sore. All four of them. When you have just two legs, it's bearable. When every limb you have is in the situation, it is far from bearable. I almost leapt from the chariot when we touched down, but instead settled on flopping out.
Everypony else got out in normal fashion, except for Pinkie, who just... appeared on the ground. She didn't need to wait for me to blink, she was just there. No explanation, no questions asked.
Everypony said their goodbyes, and left for their homes. Once again, me and Twilight followed behind Applejack, and my walking had gone from 'mortally wounded cow' to 'extremely drunk three legged dog'. The improvement was noticeable, though, and I felt really happy with myself.
Then we got to the farm. Remember how I mentioned that the whole your-a-filly-and-can't-change-back thing would make for some uncomfortable moments? This would be one of those.
Applejack knocked, and the door was opened by Applebloom. She lit up with excitement, and peered around her older sister's frame to search for something, then seemed disappointed. "Where did the alien get along to?"
Sweat was pouring down Applejack's coat before the question was halfway done being asked. I think lying is like betraying everyone you know to her, either from the whole 'Element of Honesty' thing, or because of her own morals. Either way, it didn't help right now.
"Well uh, you see... Braxton had to,uh, leave." Applebloom didn't seem to buy it for a moment. She is perceptive, I see. Perhaps too perceptive for her own good...
"You look like yur lyin', Applejack." Applebloom closed her eyes to slits, peering at Applejack with unsatisfied eyes. They wanted the truth, and terrible things would happen if it wasn't given whole-heartily.
"Ah am not lyin'! Now why don't why don't you say hi to, uh..." Oh crap, we didn't have a pony name for me! I needed to think one up fast, so I whipped my brain into action. Literally, I used a whip. Those things hurt.
"Sunny Shores. Pleasure to meet you!" That isn't the greatest name I could have come up with, but it's what came out of my brain, so deal with it. Preferably while wearing shades.
Applebloom turned her eyes, still slited, to me. Was she suspicious of everything now? "Howdy, mah name's Applebloom."
The moment stretched into an awkward silence, and nopony knew what to say. Not many good things to break the ice with when your introducing yourself someopony you already knew, after being transformed into an opposite gender pony. I just have the most plain and boring life, don't I?
"Well uh, we should be headin' inside then!" Applejack stuttered out before forcefully shoving me and Twilight into the abode. Keeping your footing... would it be called hoofing? I don't know. Anyways, it is hard to keep your hoofing when you are being shoved across the floor. Further proof of improvement is the fact that I stayed upright.
We were escorted to the guest room immediately, and Applejack closed and locked the door behind us. We can't have any of our secrets being revealed, now can we? No, that would cause to much trouble, wouldn't it...?
Twilight cast a curious glance my way. "Sunny Shores? that doesn't seem too fitting, if you ask me. Maybe something like, I don't know... something better!" Twilight seemed flustered with her attempts to come up with something better, so I just grinned.
"You have a better name? And besides, too late to change it now, Applebloom already heard Sunny Shores. We don't need to give her more reason to suspect us of anything." Even though we have many things for her to suspect us of, we can't have her suspecting us of them. Nope.
"Well, we need to think of a cover story for you, Braxton. Maybe your a relative of mine, and your visiting for awhile?"
I shook my head. "That implies that I'm leaving. Since I'm not, we need to think of something more solid. Maybe I was a friend of yours in Canterlot, and was going to move here when the earthquake ruined my plans?"
Both Twilight and Applejack nodded their heads. I had a momentary bout of evil delight when I realized that me, Applejack, and Twilight are plotting a plot while sitting on our plots. I still can't get over the fact that I have a plot. When you know tons of pony memes, being a pony becomes that much cooler. By that much I mean 20%.
"That sounds like ah good enough start." With our plot plotted, We were ready to leave the safety of the guest room. Applejack unlocked the door, and opened it to find Applebloom standing there. The squint was beginning to creep me out, and it was having a much greater effect on the others.
"Gah! Applebloom! Don't scare meh like that! Ya'll know better than that!"
Applebloom kept squinting. "So whut was ya'll doin' in the guest room?"
"Ah was showin' Sunny Shores here the room she'll be stayin' in."
"Why is she stayin' here?"
"Uh... well, she was goin' to live with Twilight until she could find a house to move into, but since the 'quake, she's staying with us."
Seemingly surprised by a logical answer, Applebloom's squint let up for a moment. I don't think I could have handled much more, either. The expression doesn't look right on a foal's face. It just creeps you out. Much like being a filly should, yet somehow failed. *Shrug*
Regaining her squint, Applebloom set her eyes on me again. "Ah'll be watching you." With that, she walked away, all while still looking at me. I don't think I will ever be comfortable near Applebloom again. I could walk up to a demon and be fine, but Applebloom? Forget it.
"Well, that went as well as it could have." I said with a small chuckle. Even though I was practically shaking in my skin, I still chuckled. I don't know why, but I did. Maybe it was a vain attempt from my brain to make the situation better, but it failed. Many times.
"Well now what do we do?" asked Twilight. That is a good question. I have no idea in the slightest.
"Um, I think we should avoid mah sis for as long as possible."
"I second that."
"I third that."
Well, looks like we are all in agreement. Avoid the creepy squinting foal so that disastrous situations can be avoided. Sounds like the perfect plan to me!
And that is what we did. Applejack went out to do farm work, and me and Twilight just sat there in the room. It was a cozy room, with a nice plush bed and a fuzzy rug, but an annoying feeling would not leave the room. Perhaps if I did an exorcism, but that would require to much setting up to be convenient.
Eventually, I got brought up. "So uh, what's it like being... you know..." Twilight whispered, though I'm not sure why. Whisper strange things, acquire weirdness.
""It doesn't feel too different, other than the voice, actually. Everything feels different, since I'm a pony, but I can't really say any more than that." And different did the voice sound indeed. Every time I talked it felt like somepony else was saying something, rather than me.
"Well then, 'Sunny Shores', what's it like being a pony?"
"Too many legs. You don't understand how hard the transition is."
Twilight smiled, and scooted a little closer. Scott scoot scoot. Scoot. "So all you have to say is that there are too many legs? Come on, I'm a scientist, I need more than that!"
"Well, I'm naked for starters. That's new." And then Twilight burst out laughing. It was the most silly thing I have ever seen, her just rolling around and laughing. This weird feeling filled me, and I had no idea what it was. I passed it off as awesome, and thought no more of it.
"I guess that would be different..." Twilight manged to say before having another fit of laughter. I mean, I guess that was funny, but it isn't that funny Twilight. It's just a joke. Not the world's greatest piece of comedy.
"You okay?" I was getting worried, she didn't look like she was having much luck breathing. And since that's just a little important, I felt like I needed to help. What I did helped her breath in the same way that you help someone cross the street by running them over. I tickled her.
Her laughter reached a fever pitch as I expertly probed her with my hooves. I don't know how you can tickle with a colored blob, but I was, and Twilight's laughter wasn't stopping anytime soon. After roughly two more minutes, I finally let up.
"Had enough?" I said this with a troll grin, while I held my hoof poised to strike once again. I felt like a hunter, ready to strike at his prey. It was gratifying for no reasonable reason.
"Y-yes, I've had plenty, thank you." She got to her hooves gain, with the occasional laugh finding its way in. Looking back, I don't know how I manged to coordinate my hooves well enough to do that, but I did, and that is all that matters. Twilight then playfully punched me in the shoulder. "your mean."
I gave an evil cackle at her. Of course I'm mean, wasn't it obvious? "Well way to be polite!" I acted offended, and she grinned at me. It was the kind of grin where you know revenge is just around the corner, and you respond just a little too late. I responded just a little too late.
Tackled to the ground, Twilight pinned me down with her weight and returned my tickling full force. I was flailing around and trying to escape, but it turns out that Twilight is a master at this. Resistance is futile. Surrender now, and your lungs may be spared.
"Uncle! Uncle!" I cried, barely managing to get those two words out. She repented, and rolled away to let me breath. I was panting, trying to force my lungs to work faster. They tried their best, but it didn't work too well. I would be winded for awhile, it seems.
"I can see... that you... don't leave your... debts unpaid..." My chest actually hurt with how hard it was to say that sentence. I hereby pass a law saying that Twilight can't tickle anypony ever again, for fear of the health of those involved. "Mental note... don't ever, ever get into... a tickle war with Twilight Sparkle."
"Ha, pussy!" She gave me another shoulder punch, and I tried and failed to return the gesture. It turned out more like a feeble tap. That sounds like I'm impersonating Fluttershy. Huh.
I glanced at the clock, and saw that half an hour had passed. "Well, that's one way to pass time."
Twilight looked up at the clock as well and nodded. "Now what do we do?" Well, there's always the option of pillaging a local village. What, don't tell me you don't do that all the time!
"We fall asleep, that's what." With out even saying anything else, I slowly crawled to the bed, stood up, and flopped onto it. Before Twilight could even get a word in, I fell asleep. I am such a gentleman, leaving Twilight to her own devices. Gentlemare, whatever. Same difference.
* * * * *
I woke up bleary eyed and wondering where I was. I quickly remebered, and nothing more was thought of it. Rolling over, I saw Twilight's face inches from mine.
"GAH!" I practically flew away from her, my response was so violent. Heck, maybe I did fly a little, I have wings after all. But the fact that Twilight was laying in bed had scared me. More than Applebloom. Did she already forget that sleeping with me was bad?
Apparently my spas attack didn't wake her up, because she just kept on laying there. Honey pony don't care! In fact, she looked strangely peaceful, her slumber not disturbed in the slightest by me. I was still hyperventilating from the shock of her being right next to me, but I manged to calm down. A little. Not really.
Now That I have woken up in the most shocking manner possible, I had no idea what I could do next. Practice walking, I guess. So that is what I did. I trotted in circles. I was getting pretty good too, you could almost think that something wasn't wrong with me.
Then Twilight woke up. She gave a little yawn, blinked a few times, and looked at me with tired eyes. "Good... time, Braxton. Or Sunny Shores, whatever."
I decided that it wasn't worth mentioning the fact that me and her had been in the same bed. "Good morning to you too, Twilight. I was just practicing my walking."
"Is it getting better?"
"Yup!" I demonstrated by quickly trotting in a circle.
She seemed impressed with my skill with basic motor skills. "It almost looks natural!"
"That's exactly what I thought only a few moments ago." And what I was thinking a few moments before that was, 'Ohmygodwhyissherighttheresomeponyhelp!' but other than that, nothing too interesting. Ignore the global invasion plans. They are not important.
"Maybe your ready to fly?" she asked, looking more than a little hopeful. I shrugged, and test flapped my wings.
"Only one way to find out, I guess." I flapped harder, and hovered in the air for a moment. You have no idea how satisfied that one moment was. I completely forgot about how I woke up, and instead filled my brain with triumph. I flapped even harder, and more times, and was hovering for seconds on end.
"I'm flying! Yes! I feel so amazing right now!" I tried tilting, just a little bit, and crashed into the floor. And I mean instantly. One second, flying. The next, on the floor staring at the pretty stars around my head. I could feel a headache coming on, too. Wonderful.
"Oh gosh, are you alright Sunny?" I see you have taken to my random name. I guess that's a good thing, but it feels weird being addressed as something else. Like someone is looking strait at the guy next to you, but is talking to you. Know the feeling?
"Yeah, I'm fine. My head, on the other hoof..." I clutched my forehead in my hoof, and sat down. I don't know how I was clutching it, but I could feel a distinct clutch-y feeling on my head. I tried giving myself a little massage, and it worked. I love pony physics.
"Maybe we should get Rainbow Dash to give you lessons?"
I shook my head. "She doesn't seem like she would be a patient coach. Maybe Fluttershy could, though." Twilight snorted with laughter, and since I had to feign ignorance, I acted like I didn't know exactly why she was laughing. "What's so funny?"
"Fluttershy isn't a very good flyer herself, I don't think she could teach you much." Oh, she can't teach me you say? What if it turns out Fluttershy is the leader of an underground crime ring, and is only faking weakness to trick her foes into believeing they aren't facing a worthy oppenent? What about that?
"Well it's not like I knew that!" Totally the truth. Not an ounce of dishonesty in that sentence. One hundred percent truthful here.
"Now you do. Either way, we should go check on Applejack. I don't even know what time it is." I pointed at the clock, and she gave an embarrassed laugh. "Right." I myself looked at the clock, and found it to be the afternoon. I didn't even know when we fell asleep, so we could have been out for hours or minutes.
We opened the door, and Twilight and I trotted to the front door and exited. The smell of apples hit me once again, and I could feel my stomach rumble. It didn't actually make a sound, but it did feel weird. Like some sort of tummy rub. Crap, now I want a tummy rub. Hey, Twilight, come here a moment, would you?
We meandered in the direction of the apple trees, looking for Applejack. It didn't take us too long, since she's the only orange thing in the whole farm, but we found her nonetheless. She was, as expected, bucking. What else does she do? burn the trees? I don't think so.
"Hey Applejack! How are you doing!" Twilight called out. Applejack looked up from her work, and gave a friendly wave to us.
"Howdy, Twilight! And Sunny Shores, too, heh heh." is my name a joke now? I made that up on the spot, of course it isn't going to make much sense. Stop laughing at me! Stop it! *Goes into fetal position*
"Hardy har har, Applejack." I looked for something more to say, and then found that I couldn't think of anything. Twilight and I didn't really plan too far ahead when we decided to go out, so I had no clue what to say.
"Uh, nice weather we're having." And that was my greatest performance. I'll be here all week.
"That all you have to say?" Applejack looked curios, as if to say, 'why in Equestria's name did you come here just tell me about the weather? I can see it just fine myself, you know'.
Twilight blinked, as if she had only just realized that we didn't have a plan. "Um, no, not really. We just wanted to check on you, see if you were doing okay."
"Ah'm doin' just fine, Twi'. Now if you'll excuse me, ah have buckin' to do." So Applejack went back to her work. With no idea what to do, me and Twilight went back to the guest room.
When in doubt, sleep some more!
* * * * *
A/N: Not one of my better chapters. It takes a certain mood to properly write the specific kind of stupid this story i smade of, but I tried. Hope you liked the filler!
A/N: guess what? I didn't write the majority of this chapter at 2:00 in the morning! That will certainly mean good things for the quality and funner-ness of the chapter. That grammar was intentional. Completely.
Either way, this isn't really important, but EqD rejected the story. Not because it was badly written, but because it was a self insert. I don't mind, and most self inserts are not good at all, so I'm not surprised either. Just thought I'd put that out there.
Also, remember to rate! If we somehow got this thing to the featured bar, that would complete my life. I'm serious. That would fill me with so much joy that I would have a muscle spasm, sqee with joy, and then explode into confetti. that sounds like Pinkie's death throes, now that I think about it...
Also, if anypony felt like they wanted to do fan art of this (Which I doubt), then just send me a PM and we can discuss that!
* * * * *
Ah, mornings. Always there earlier than you would like, interrupting your blissful slumber. Or not so blissful, you could be having a nightmare. Regardless, sunlight streaming through a window, birds chirping outside, the smell of flowers and dew in the soft, gentle wind was present.
This morning, I found it shockingly refreshing. Usually, I hate mornings, unless it's like today, where I just enjoy it for no reason, or when there is a new pony episode to watch. Since the latter doesn't matter anymore, I guess it's just one of those mornings.
I became aware of the warmth of the comforters wrapped around me first. They were really cozy, and I felt like nothing could could get me out of them. Although, I don't really need them, since I have a coat, being a pony and all, but that just means the comfort has been doubled!
When I finally got the energy to open my eyes, I found Twilight's face nearby. Again. I now see the error in not informing her of her past mistake. But what is a filly to do when they can't time travel? Nothing. You do nothing but hope a time traveler comes to your aid.
The weird thing is that I just went 'meh' and didn't give a buck. It wasn't worth it to get out of bed, the comfort was too great; it taken control. In fact, to be completely honest, I wasn't even surprised or uncomfortable this time.
See, usually I don't get bothered by things. Like when I first heard about clop, I just nodded with a serious face. Like this one: :/
And this was no exception. So I laid there, not caring, content to let the morning continue at its own pace. To occupy my mind, I stared at Twilight. Even with the context of it, sleeping ponies are still adorable as hay. This is fact. It cannot be denied by any living organism.
And she twitched around too. Her ears would do these little flops, and I would almost sqee with joy. I may have been transported to Equestria, turned into a pony, turned into a filly but I can still let my brony-ness shine through every once in a while. Or would it be Pegasister-ness? I don't know anymore.
So now that I had been filled up with pony, I decided that I should go and find some food. You know, that thing that's important for our survival. yeah, that thing. You know what I'm talking about. I hope.
Getting out of bed, however, meant figuring out how to get out of the covers. It's times like these that I could really do with some thumbs. If only Spike were nearby, and I had a hacksaw, then I might be able to acquire some. Yet another reason to get out of bed.
I slowly squirmed my way out from the cover's warm embrace. I then rolled off of the bed and to the floor, somehow landing on my hooves. I'm like a cat. Nyan~!
I glanced around the room, and found what I was looking for. If only I had magic, I could grab it without crossing the room, but we can't all get our wishful thinking of laziness. Unless we can? Hold on, let me check... nope, can't get my wish. Do'h!
Trotting over to the little dresser, I stared at myself in the mirror. The wavy appearance had somehow stayed in my mane, and although I always envisioned myself with a more ragged mane, it worked. Much better than what I had in mind. If only my mind were a physic...
But alas, it is not, so I will have to live life in the normal fashion. By which I mean get threatened by weird clockwork dragons that want to eat my dimension juice or something. Was that close? You probably know better than me, to be honest.
Enough lollygagging! I had a tough task to do, and it would require all of my concentrated effort. Picking something up. May as well give up now, if how long it took to walk is any indication. Regardless, it was something that had to be done.
After staring at a brush for a few minutes, trying to find a good way to grip the darned thing, my lazy (by that I mean only) side kicked in and before I could stick a cupcake in my eye, I was back in bed. With Twilight. Let me check something. yep, I'm still meh.
Sleep did not come, unsurprisingly. It wasn't like I was deeply troubled by something. That includes the weird god thing, by the way. No, it was simply that I had only recently woken up. Hold on, what time is it? My internal clock must be screaming in agony right now!
Turns out, it was morning. That was perhaps the only thing I didn't expect. It could be midnight, noon, or something not known to human kind, and it would be more expected than waking up at the right time. Weird.
The pillow was soft. That was a really abrupt change from what I was talking about before, but it needed to be said. It was vitally important that this information be passed on to the people beyond the screen, so that my legacy can be, 'the pillow was soft'. Genius.
Then I felt something bump into my side. What in the hay could that be...? Oh, it's just Twilight, ignore it- wait, what!?
Indeed, still asleep, Twilight had rolled over and was now sitting literally next to me. I would be lying if I said something like we were inches apart, but we weren't. More like one hundredth of 2.5 centimeters, carry the five, round that...
Other than making crappy math jokes, I didn't know how to respond. First option: freak out and blush like a tomato. Option two: Enjoy the moment in a creepy bout of self-satisfying shipping. In real life. Tough decisions, tough decisions.
My solution? Nothing. Nada. Zip-a-dee-doo-da. Just keep on sitting there. If I freaked out, it could make Twilight embarrassed. Admittedly something cute, but would ultimately weigh on my conscious. If I enjoyed it too thoroughly, I would start creeping myself out. Not something everyone can do.
The middle ground seemed like the best option. Don't make anypony feel bad, and don't make myself feel bad. That doesn't mean I couldn't enjoy her coat against mine. You know, this is starting to sound like clop. *continues anyways*
Time flowed by like a river made out of melted chocolate. Let me explain that metaphor. See, it being a river meant it went quickly, but since it was chocolate, it was both enjoyable and not too fast. Now, the trout mean something else entirely, but that would require way more time than I have randomly decided to allot myself.
Weird convoluted metaphors aside, nothing happened. The sun rose higher into the sky, birds flew about outside the window, a mare much older than me (Supposedly) was leaning against my side asleep. All was good.
That made me think. How does age work in Equestria? Is everypony around me actually really old or something? Or really young? Who knows! I don't, that's for sure!
Now, I have a deep and meaningful relationship with life. One thing he does not tolerate is me thinking too hard on anything, or getting work done. Wait, that's two things. Close enough. Regardless, Life has a way of interrupting things.
So, that is when Twilight woke up. She rolled away from me before anything else, and then opened her eyes. At least I k-know *Sniff* that I-I'm loved... loud crying11!!1!!!!!
"Oh, um... what time is it, Sunny?" Well, looks like we already have nicknames for a fake name that was made up on the spot for a kid turned into a pony of the opposite gender. Things sure are moving fast, aren't they?
"It's something like... six thirty in the morning."
"We woke up at a normal time?" She seemed confused. I would have been as well, if I had checked the clock just after waking up. It took me a few seconds.
"Yep! Doesn't seem possible, does it?"
"Not in the slightest."
I smiled. Conversations with ponies were fun. "Should we go see Applejack again?" Because so many important things happened last time. So much stuff that I forget it all. That was the only logical solution.
"Well, why not? Maybe we could get some breakfast while we're at it!"
"That sounds like the greatest plan ever known to ponykind."
Twilight raised one eyebrow. "You really picked up on our slang pretty quickly."
"I have my sources." Without further ado, I bolted out of the room laughing like a maniac. I dare say my female insane laughter is even better than my male insane laughter. Even if I wasn't a pony, that one thing would have made it all worth it. I don't know what I would I would do without my laugh.
I could hear Twilight giving chase. "What does that even mean!?"
"You'll never know if you don't catch me~!" I ran even faster. I didn't notice at the time, but in hindsight I was at the level of skill with my legs that I could run. Without tripping. That is total blasphe-
Whoa! My thoughts just stopped for a moment there. Maybe I'm finally going insane? I'm surprised that it took this long, quite frankly. I guess I'm made of stronger stuff then I give myself credit for ( >:D> ). Or maybe I've been insane this whole time, and never actually went to Equestria. That's a depressing thought. Back to running!
She did manage to tackle me eventually, and we tumbled to the ground laughing, this time with less insanity. You have no idea how fun it is prancing about with the purple pony while playing. P words, I wuv them so.
"Oh noes... you caught me. I guess I have to reveal my secret."
Twilight was breathing hard from the exercise. She looked like she needed a good tickling. "Yes.. please tell me."
"The liopleurodon told me!" I don't think Twilight even knew what a liopleurodon was. You need to learn your references properly, Twilight! I expect it on my desk by Monday. How you manage to a make a reference into a solid form is up to you.
"And what in tarnation are ya'll doin' chasin' each other 'round here?" Applejack remarked as she trotted up to us, basket of apples on her back.
"Oh, we were coming to see you actually."
"And to get food."
"Way to be polite, Sunny."
Applejack just chuckled. "you sound more like a lil' filly than a grown mare."
That confused me for a second. Or two. More like ten seconds. "What do you mean 'like a grown mare'? I'm only thirteen."
Now Applejack looked confused. "That's when ya'll are considered an adult, right?"
"No."
"Well, you look like a full grown mare now."
I had to agree there. You know, hindsight is both a blessing and a curse. It lets you notice things you wouldn't have, but after the fact. It also irritates the hell out of you. I looked like a full grown mare, was as tall as a full grown mare, sounded like a full grown mare, and yet somehow hadn't made that conclusion. So was I an adult now? I guess puberty really does hit fast!
Then my mind got working. Specifically the part that deals with the truckloads of shipping I read. Or, read. Wait, that looks the same in text. The first was was present tense, and the second was past tense. There, that clears some things up.
Anyways, that meant I was the age where I could be... dating, I guess? In love? More serious things? Wait, how old are Twilight and Applejack?
"How old are you two?"
"Fourteen."
"Thirteen."
So Twilight is the same age as me, and Applejack one year older. Weird, never thought something like this would happen. Except I did, if only for a moment. Maybe I am physic...
"So... huh." I didn't know what to say. Seriously. I was at a loss for words. What do you say to that? What!?
"You mean you weren't full grown yet?" Twilight looked bewildered. "How big do you get?"
"Up to seven feet."
She almost fainted, right then and there. Guess the thought of a seven foot tall beast scared them. Or maybe just a seven foot tall intelligent beast, since dragons are huge... wait, Spike is smart! I don't know anymore! GAH!
"Maybe ya'll should get sum' breakfast in you." Applejack said in a drawl that contained only hints of awkwardness. It was a unanimous decision; we needed food.
* * * * *
"That hit the spot." I leaned back from the worn wooden table. Hay is the best thing since sliced bread, by the way. It tastes more awesome than it has any right too. Seriously, somepony needs to sue it. No wait, don't do that! I like hay! Just ignore what I said, and we can keep living in mutual not caring.
"I'll say. That was an excellent meal, Applejack." I don't even know what Applejack did to the hay, I just know it satisfied both me and Twilight. That must mean it is amazing.
"Aw, shucks. Ya'll are too kind."
"No, we're not kind enough. You need more affection!" I dived towards Applejack with the intent of giving her a glomp to remember, but she dodged. Curses!
"Ha, you can't catch me that easily!" She ran out the front door, and I gave chase. I'm just on a chasing roll, aren't I? We ran in between all of the trees, the scent of apples trying to keep up with us. It failed of course, but that didn't stop it from trying. At some point, we broke out of the tree line and into a dirt path that seemed to lead to Ponyville.
"I am... officially... pooped." I lay down like a normal pony, with my legs tucked away underneath me. It felt like I was hugging myself. Ponies have the best physiology, don't they? You don't get to answer that. A decision has already been reached. It was yes.
"Ah.. can agree with ya' there..." Applejack laid down as well, next to me. A sudden peace came over me, and everything felt right with the world. This one specifically, since you guys over on Earth could be waging nuclear war for all I know.
I looked at my mane, and found myself oddly dismayed to see that it was in a state of disarry. It needed professional help, and quick! There was only one pony who could do what needed to be done, and that pony was...
Rarity!! *lightning flash*
Applejack was looking at me funny. "Why are you lookin' at your mane like that?"
"Because it needs help!"
"Oh for the love of-" Applejack face-hoofed, "You were supposed to be a guy, right?" I nodded, "You aint actin' like one!"
I laughed. "What can I say? I'm a fast learner!" I then stood up and began trotting into town, with the intent of finding Rarity. When I actually entered the town, everypony was giving me weird looks. Was it because I was still human... somehow? Or maybe just because I'm new. That makes more sense, since I just checked, and yup, still a pony.
At some point, all the looking was starting to creep me out. Nopony was saying anything either, which only made it worse. I wasn't sure, but I think there were a few blushes in the crowd. That is what I call a vague explanation!
So I'm a nice looking mare, I guess. Who is the right age to stop being single. I should really feel more awkward than this, but I just don't care! If I'm going to live in Equestria, I have to get used to ponies who potentially want to fall in love with me. Okay, that should have very thoroughly unnerved me. And yet, I still don't give a buck~!
I quickly found the Carousel Boutique. It wasn't that hard, since it was one of the only fancy looking places around. I opened the door, without knocking, and loudly proclaimed, "I hast arrived, Rarity! I seek thine attention!"
Turns out, rarity was working with a customer. He was a chestnut brown stallion, with a short and well kept light blue mane. His Cutie Mark was a top hat that had shine marks around it.
They both turned towards me in shocked confusion, and rarity gave a happy wave. The stallion just stared.
I exited the building, closed the door, and sat down on a bench nearby. It was official, ponies liked me. I needed to contemplate this revelation.
How should I handle the situation? Do I just openly start a relationship, and not care what comes out of it, or how weird it may turn out? Or do I just try and avoid all life forms, living my life as an outcast hermit. Shockingly, that last option did not sit well with me.
Regardless of what I chose, I could only assume that my new mare hormones were screwing with me. I now have a body that is in this dimension the right age for a permanent relationship, and said body should be telling me to like guy ponies. I don't really know much about this sort of thing, but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. I think.
I was content to let the stallion do whatever it was he was doing in the establishment, and then get my make-over once he left. Simple and strange free. Exactly how I wanted it.
Patiently waiting for what seemed like hours, the guy finally left. Crisis averted. That is, until he looked around, saw me, and started trotting over.
Horse apples.
He sat down, not saying anything at first. He seemed incredibly shy, playing with his hooves while not looking at me. I felt really uncomfortable, and just wanted out. So I went out. I started to leave, moving as fast as I could towards Carousel Boutique without looking suspicious.
"Um, wait!"
I froze. Seems like I can't get a break, can I? Nope, the world is against me. It wants to take me, chew me up, and spit me into a blender. I hate it when my brain makes mental images like that.
"Yes...?" I was hesitant to engage in any sort of conversation, since the blush still had not left his face. It was staring to bug me, to be honest.
"I uh, uh... my names Butter Biscuit!" he quickly stuttered the name out, and it took me a second to figure out what it was. It irked me that he seemed similar to Fluttershy. Oh great, now I feel sorry for him.
"My name's Sunny. Sunny Shores." he seemed to get just a little more confident, that I hadn't run away yet. Your lucky that Fluttershy has made me feel pity, mister. Very lucky, indeed.
"That's a... very nice... name..." Stop acting like Fluttershy. No good will come of it. I sighed, and went back to the bench. I just couldn't bring myself to do bad against him. That would be like kicking a puppy. That's considered bad, by the way.
"You don't look much like butter, yourself." I commented. He seemed to cringe away, and I felt bad for him. "I didn't mean to offend you, I'm sorry..."
"No, it's um, alright." I tried to think of something more to say. Nothing came to mind. I looked at the sky, just staring for the sake of staring. It was pleasantly calming.
"Your uh, mane looks nice..." he half mumbled, half whispered. I did manage to hear it though, and nodded. Funny how I had thought that it was in desperate need of repair, and he thought it was awesome. Perspective is key, here.
"Thanks." This conversation was getting us nowhere, it was just pointless small talk. "Look, Butter, I was going to see my friend Rarity, so um, do you mind if I go do that?"
"oh, um, you can do that..." I took that chance and cantered into Rarity's shop. She looked up from a dress or something, and smiled a little.
"Hello, darling! I was rather surprised to see you burst in like that, and then leave just as suddenly. Why did you leave, anyways?"
"That stallion, Butter biscuit, was eyeing me. While blushing."
Understanding dawned on Rarity. "Oh my! That is reason to leave, isn't it? Well, I hope nothing too strange popped up. You mentioned a make over, correct?" I nodded. "Well, that's the least I can do to ease your stress. Right this way, Sunny!"
And then all the not goodness in me washed away as Rarity got to work. I think there's some sort of magic in the brushes or something, because it just feels good to have a good mane brushing. I don't understand why, and I don't intend to. I just know that it's awesome.
Then came dressing up. You know, frilly pink and stuff. I didn't mind it, but it didn't have that unnatural feeling of well being that came with mane brushing. It was still nice. Like a hot shower after a good murde- whoops, did I just say that out loud? :D
Either way, in the end I came out with a nice soft peach dress. It was fairly simple, with little white lace on the fringes. I felt very throughly not at all like a guy. It was almost... enlightening. I was a lady. Accept it.
"Thank you for the dress, Rarity. I have no idea when I'll wear it, but I will!" I left as Rarity waved from inside, getting back to her work on the dress she was making. Maybe I'll wear it on Nightmare Night, and then when ponies ask, say I'm a pony. It's a multiple-level joke, you see...
Now I'm hungry. And I was experiencing a distinct lack of Pinkie Pie at the moment, so there was only one solution to both problems. Get drunk. No, wait, that's isn't right... hold on, let me think for a moment... oh right! Pinkie! Yeah....
I began the walk in the general direction of Sugarcube Corner. I didn't actually know where it was, but I'm pretty sure it isn't on the moon (unless the treats didn't appease Celestia...), so Ponyville was a good place to start as any. Except heaven. Heaven is a good place to look for everything but the devil.
The gingerbread building came into sight. It looked edible, and I'm pretty sure it is. That raises the question of how it has remained standing all this time. There have to have been some establishments before this one. Maybe they sank into a swamp twice before they stayed above ground.
Something felt wrong though. I didn't see any lights glowing inside, instead there was simply darkness. As you can imagine, that scared me. If the lights were off while Pinkie was there, than there must be something bad goingon. Like an alien invasion or something. Do I count as an alien invasion? I don't think so. Not yet, at least.
I opened the door, and the doughy thing somehow let out a creak. How does it do that? How!? Even Pinkie's living space makes no sense. What the hay.
As I had said, the main room was dark. Nopony was behind the counter, but there were still cupcakes and cookies and cakes. I briefly considered taking one, but then realized that I would be stealing from best pony. I felt horrible, with a side of malicious. With a shake and some fries.
I could see small little slivers of light streaming down some stairs to my right, and I decided to follow them. This obviously isn't intruding in any way, shape, or form. Nope.
A growing sense of dread filled me as I drew closer to the stairs. I didn't hear anything from upstairs, not even a peep. My heart began to beat faster, afraid I would find out Cupcakes was canon or something. Wait, I'm heading upstairs, that doesn't make sense. Pinkie killed stuff downstairs, silly!
Anyways, I heard movement, and reflexively went against a wall. Why I had the reflex to do that, I don't know, but whatever. The feeling of dread was growing, almost to an unbearable degree.
Then Gummy rolled down the stairs as derp-tastic as ever.
*Climax destroyed*
I almost burst out laughing. I got close, with horrible attempts at holding back noise. I bet a deaf elephant could hear me. A deaf pony, no way, but an elephant...? Maybe... maybe...
He noticed me, and chomped down on my muzzle. Is it wrong that the first thought that ran through my mind went something like, I'm being kissed by Gummy. I really have read too much shipping. Wait, what am I saying? You can't do that! IT's not possible!
I didn't even attempt to remove the scaled lump of awesome. It would be a pointless maneuver. He would eat something else. Like my eye, which I'm pretty sure would hurt, even without teeth.
I heard the clop (ha!) of hoof-steps on the wooden steps, and a very sleepy looking Pinkie came into view. It was the only time I've seen sleepy Pinkie. I nearly died. My inner medical squad was hard at work forcing back the sudden flood of diabetes. And the swelling epic glands.
"OH, h-hey Sunny... *Yawn* what're you doing here?" I think Pinkie is trying to kill me. Whatever I did wrong, I'll get someone to atone for my sins. Like Santa Christ. He does good work.
"I was just coming to get a treat or two, I haven't eaten lunch yet." And it was lunch time, make no mistake about that. Look at the nearest clock. What does it say. Lunch time. If it says Anything else, it's trying to confuse you. That's what the clock wants, don't give in.
"I-I was just taking a nap... you can have any thing you want..." Apparently Pinkie was really, really tired, because she slumped over asleep right after that. Onto me. What is with these ponies and their desire to sleep near me? Are they under some spell or something?
Either way, I looked around for a couch or something to lay her down on. Luckily, there was one right there in the main room. I don't know why a bakery has a couch in the main room, but it did, so I put her down on that. She looked so damn peaceful, it was mind boggling. Pinkie, peaceful? Can't be! Oh, but it is, It is true.
I grabbed a cupcake from the tray, at random, and guess what I came up with? A chocolate cupcake with purple frosting. I bet you thought it would be a rainbow cupcake. Nope, no pony meat for me. Actually, I think I need to make sure that there isn't any in this cupcake right here. Give me a second.
Okay, I think there wasn't any meat in that cupcake, but I'm not sure. It wasn't chunky, which is probably a good sign, but you can never be too sure with this sort of thing. Never too sure...
Either way, I now felt very uncertain. What do I do now? Just leave best pony laying there? I have no idea, somepony help me! Indecisiveness is my only weakness!
I honestly had no idea what in the name of things pony what to do. I could stay here, I guess? Does that count as a plan? No? Well too bad, your opinion is invalid, I have a pinwheel in a my beard.
WIth something in mind, I scooped up Gummy and sat down on the coach. Opposite end of Pinkie, I didn't want to interrupt her peaceful slumber. Did you know that cartoon alligators with no teeth make really good pillows? I didn't. Now I do. I think I've fallen asleep so many times, it;s uncanny. I don't normally take mid-day naps, this just keeps happening to me.
As you may have guessed already, I fell asleep. I bet you didn't figure that out. It was so cleverly hidden, too.
* * * * *
When you have a tail, there are new, unexplored territories of awkward that humanity has never set foot upon. One of those scenarios is waking up with their tangled in somepony else's tail. It really is something new, to be the opposite of relaxed for a reason you've never heard of before.
So naturally, when I woke up with Pinkie's big blob of pink that she calls a tail stuck in my dainty lil' wavy thing, problems arose. Like standing up. That tends to be hard when your tied to a sleeping pony.
Not having thumbs doesn't help you untangle them either. With no way to get out of my situation, I simply settled for hugging Gummy some more. He didn't even look annoyed, or even close to it. I don't think he's capable of expressing emotion. I bet he is a stone cold killer or something. It makes so much sense, I know.
Regardless, my thoughts were allowed to wander, as long as they were back in time for dinner. If not, they got a spanking. Let's see here, I am sitting on a coach with my tail intertwined with Pinkie Pie's, and I am hugging a toothless alligator. That is one situation that I never thought I would get into. Tails intertwined with Pinkie, maybe, but not the hugging Gummy part.
I heard sounds of movement behind me, and my ears perked up, listening in for more. It feels no nice just to realize that your ears can do that. They are like little personal flags that go up on command. I was entranced with waving my ears about wildly, so I didn't notice the continued sound of movement behind me.
Or the coy smile Pinkie had on her face.
* * * * *
Sorry for the short chapter, but my creative energy is running low. I spent i ton eating donuts and drinking hot chocolate, if that spreads any light on the situation. I hope you enjoyed it! Don't forget to rate!
A/N: Sorry for the delay, I've been a little under the weather for a little. I didn't really have the energy to write too much at one time, so yeah. Also, I have officially begun to ship myself with mane cast characters, so if you want out, then out you may go. I won't stop you, unless I manage to find those titanium chains I lost last week.
* * * * *
I finally noticed the movement behind me. That meant that Pinkie must be awake, or was in the process of being pony-napped. I don't think it was the second one, though anything is possible I guess, so I should probably check on that, see if she's okay.
I turned my head, and saw Pinkie with this really weird smile on her face. It was gone almost as soon as I glimpsed it too, but I didn't think too much about it. Sleepy Pinkie is best Pinkie.
"Hey Sunny, what's up?"
"The sky?"
"Yes. Yes it is."
She was in the state of just waking up, where you still feel tired even though you slept a lot. It doesn't make sense to us, even after the world's greatest scientist have examined the issue. They believe that pandas are the root of the problem. We think the scientist who proposed that idea was not in his right state of mind, but we trust him completely.
She giggled, before trying to rise. Our tails were still stuck, so I was forced to rise away from the green and scaled pillow that I had been using. I instantly missed Gummy. He is the greatest pillow I have ever had the luck to meet in person.
Pinkie gave me a serious look. "I need to make some chocolate-chunky-oatmeal-cranberry cookies, and since our tails are stuck, you have to help me, Sunny!"
I nodded agreement. Lets be honest here, I don't really know how to cook. The only things that I can make easily are scrambled eggs and frozen pizzas, and I don't think the latter counts for much.
Regardless, Pinkie and I sort of side-stepped our way over to the kitchen. It was a good way to further improve my dexterity with my hooves. Walking sideways is a completely different experience than walking normally. Everything I have learned up to this point must be used to its highest degree of skill! Real life mini-game, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!
And now for the boss fight; mister doorway. It would take a level of cooperation that has gone un-achieved until now, and I felt a surge of idiotic delight at accomplishing something as simple as moving through a door. I bet I'm going down in the history books for this one, definitely.
I think Pinkie's mind was thinking something similar to mine, because we both let out an excited yell of happiness as we passed through the door. It was epic, doing anything in harmony with Pinkie. I feel like I have been blessed by the gods of parties and kazoos. Those gods are one and the same, obviously.
"And now for the real challenge; cooking." I said that with as much drama as I could. It worked, because Pinkie gave a huge gasp, before I heard the distinct sound of a thunder clap in the background. Cartoon logic: If it is dramatic enough for a lightning strike, a lightning strike there will be.
Pinkie, of course, knew exactly where everything was in the little kitchen. She was moving quickly from cabinet to cabinet, dragging me behind as she did. Looks like this wasn't going to be as big a problem as I initially thought. Pinkie Pie will destroy your expectations, before covering them in frosting and eating them.
By the time I was given a chance to not be dragged about like a rag doll, the cookie mix was already stirred together into one big mass of delicious goodness. At least my bad baking skills were not allowed to taint the perfect batter, so they would actually taste good.
"Now to do something about our tails!" Pinkie stated out of the blue. Seriously, she had been standing there just doing nothing for a few seconds, like she was considering what she was about to do. I won't pretend to understand how your mind works, oh great pink one, but I will say I love every piece of it.
Then she tackled me to the ground.
She sat right the hay on top of me, and began doing... something to untangle our tails. I have no idea what, but Pinkie is not a heavy pony. She's like a feather. Made of cake. An angel cake! Huzzah!
I didn't see much choice, so I allowed her to sit on my back. After all, who wouldn't want to give anypony a pony-back ride? Misguided people, that's who. I also owed her for when I sat on her while we climbed the mountain. Speaking of which, the dragon thing still hasn't acted on his threats. Huh.
The feeling of Pinkie on my back wasn't even uncomfortable. I have no idea why it wasn't, maybe ponies anatomy makes so that isn't a problem? That's the best answer I got. Or maybe she sneaked a pillow in when I wasn't looking, the clever mare!
"And... done!" Pinkie leaped off of my back, did a somersault in midair, and landed with a barrel roll. Do I even need to explain how awesome that was? It was like if a hippo began fire breathing while he juggled live chainsaws that were covered in lemons.
I waved my tail around for a bit, glad to finally be free to move about as I wished. I trotted in a circle, just to be certain that it was really true. It was. I will never be sure of why I didn't accept this fact so easily, perhaps because I was suddenly distracted by my need for an alligator skin pillow.
"Thanks, Pinkie. I have no idea what I would have done without you." Probably something like not get my tail tangled in something that wasn't there. Truly, the situation would have never happened if you weren't there, Pinkie.
"I think this deserves some cookies as celebration!" Without further ado, Pinkie pulled a tray of peanut butter cookies from nowhere. I like to think that Pinkie is the gatekeeper of the forth wall, and uses her position to acquire things like this out of nothing.
We each took a cookie, and sat back down on the coach to happily munch on our delectable delicacies. Nothing was said, and nothing needed to be said. Pinkie scooted closer, and peered closely into my eyes. This was spontaneous and out of the blue, so I reacted in surprise, jumping slightly.
"You don't look like you're enjoying my cookies very much..." Oh crap, was I not smiling enough? I gave a cheerful grin, showing her how much I loved the cookies.
"The cookies are wonderful Pinkie, I don't know how anypony could say otherwise." She seemed satisfied with that answer, so she once again reclined back into the cushions of the plush coach. The room had a very cozy feeling, like home. It felt like home.
Of course, we can't have a calm moment, now can we? That is what the universe seemed to think, because as soon as I was used to nothing strange happening, Pinkie had a spas attack. This was the first time I had ever seen the Pinkie sense in first person, and it wasn't as awesome as you might think.
Unless, of course, it forces Pinkie into drive her face into your neck in a somehow gentle nuzzle. Then it becomes the greatest experience known to all living creatures. Fortunes have been given away for an opportunity such as this, and all have failed to gain the Pinkie nuzzle.
I think my brain was way to overloaded to bother thinking about how shippy this was, but rather it used all of its ability to focus on the muzzle pressed against my neck. I won't describe the feeling, because it will sound awkward and will be awkward for me. Suffice to say it was nice.
"Whoa, you alright Pinkie?" Of course she's fine, there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with somepony who has spasms that predict the future! Everypony has those, right?
"My Pinkie sense is tingling!" She proudly stated as she moved away from me with a large much as a blush. "That was a knee-twitch, leg wobble, tummy-rumble."
She sounded like she expected me to know what this meant. "What does that mean?"
"I don't know!" She sounded way too cheerful about something that could be saying the space overlords were coming back to claim their home plant. You have to consider every option, even when they are stupid. Especially when they are stupid. Those are the fun ones to think about.
"So... should we be worried or something?" Again, not like an alien invasion could happen. I'm sure we'll all be fine, just fine.
"Well, we have to wait and see, won't we Sunny!"
I nodded my head. "I guess we will."
See, now I was afraid to go away from Pinkie. She was the only one that could predict and understand what was to come, so she fell into the category of 'living security blanket.' It's a prestigious position, I know. The pay is pretty good, too.
"I think I might want to stay with you until we figure out what that was. I have to know that I'll be safe." Pinkie seemed to understand, and enthusiastically nodded her head.
"Okie-Dokie-Lokie!' Catchphrase detected, is Alpha squadron E45 ready to move out?
This is Alpha E45, we are ready to engage.
Move in, Alpha E45.
Stupid aside, I was happy that I had an excuse to spend the rest of the day with Pinkie Pie. I have no idea if Applejack and Twilight are wondering where the buck I am, but that doesn't matter! I have Pinkie Pie. Ha.
"What should we do first?" I was excited, like a little foal. I always thought of myself as being like a little kid, since, you know, I'm immature as heck. And then I'll have random moods where I'll be really deep and thoughtful. It makes no sense to me.
"I think we should..." She gave a pause, be it for dramatic effect, or because she was busy staring at a spider on the ceiling. "Have a party!"
GEEEEEEEEEEENIUUUUUUUUUUS!!!
"I completely agree." Who wouldn't agree, let's be honest here. Do you know any brony who would refuse a party from Pinkie Pie? Because I don't. I think.
"Then lets go invite everypony!" Wait, whoa, a party with everypony? That's a little too many pony for me to handle at any point in time, Pinkie. We need an alternative.
"How about just with our friends?"
She seemed hesitant for a split second, and then waved her head up and down at a dizzying speed. It was in one spot, and still managed to make me dizzy just from how fast it was moving. Ho win the name of all that is holy does your neck handle that? I must know the secret!
"That sounds like a party to me!" And then she was gone. I bet she never worked at a rock farm, instead she was a ninja assassin who distracted her enemies by throwing parties, and then striking when they least expected it. It would make sense, at this point. At any point, actually.
Well, since she's off to gather our frineds up, I guess I'll just have to make sure that Gummy is still the nest living pillow in the world. Now where did he wander off to, I wonder...?
There he is! Come here, you! I have a date with sleep that must be fulfilled via gator skin! It is the only way! I finally grabbed Gummy up from the floor, plopped back down on the coach. His expression remained one of derp. All is good in the world.
I guess I fell asleep, because I found myself being woken up. I mean, maybe I could be woken up without being asleep if I was in space, where anything is possible, but here in Equestria? I don't think so. Also, I was woken up by a nuzzle to the cheek.
"Wake, sleepy pants! Everypony is here, we have a party to throw!" I groggily raised my head, and looked around. Yep, everypony is here alright. Streamers and balloons and cakes have already been set out as well, it seems. The party does indeed need to be thrown.
"Well what are we waiting for?"
"YOU!" The chorus of noise that assaulted my ears was one of great power, enough to conquer nations! Assuming Equestria has nations, because if not, then there are no nations for this power to conquer, and that would be a real shame! I mean, what if Link had the Triforce, but no Ganondorf to murder with it? There's no point!
"Alright, I get it! No need to yell..." I gave a false whimper, which elicited a laugh from everyone. Then the party took off running. There was no transition from starting a party to party, it was nothing to party. It confused me for a second how everything just fell into place.
Then I spied Gummy sitting in the punch bowl. You know exactly what I am about to do. Or not, since I make no sense, but you can guess. Go ahead, think on it.
I ran over to the punch, grabbed a glass, and downed the stuff. It tasted like a liquid form of how good a pillow Gummy is. Achievement unlocked: What does that even mean?
"The punch has been doubled!" No, that reference did make sense, nor should it have been there in the first place. My mind is a mysterious place, one that I allow freedom simply because there is no way to prevent freedom. The iron bars would be torn to shreds in its gnashing teeth of random.
Naturally, Twlight looked at me funny. "What does that mean?"
"I have no idea!"
I took another swig of Gatorade (I'm so witty, I know. You can now adore me), and it tasted just as awesome. The party continued in that way that parties do, in that it remained a party. Your mind has now been blown by this epic logic. Mine was too the first time I noticed this fact.
Then Pinkie got out a tray of what appeared to be potions, and an empty wine bottle. "Time for spin the bottle; Pinkie Pie style!"
Shit just got real.
* * * * *
A/N: I have so many ideas on how to handle Pinkie and spinning bottles. I literally have an endless stream of things I could try streaming through my cranium. It makes more noise than I thought possible. But either way, this chapter was once again a little on the short side, and for that I apologize.
I also apologize for the false build-up lats chapter. Don't worry, next chapter the full opportunity for shipping will be utilized! You know, thinking on it, I have no shame. That might explain why I found it dead in a landslide, but I didn't realize until now what that could mean. Anyways, don't forget to rate.
A/N: Just found out about ThePianoGuys over on Youtube. They are geniuses. You have to go and listen to their songs if you haven't. I really want an electric cello now. Also, I apologize for the delay. Just haven't really wanted to write for some reason.
* * * * *
Pinkie Pie... wants to play spin the bottle... with random potions. That sounds like a health hazard in so many ways, I don't feel like this is a good idea to be a part of. Oh who am I kidding, I want to chug one of those things!
"How exactly does 'Pinkie Pie style' work, darling?" Rarity looked nervous, for good reason. I mean, If I were a normal person, I would be scared too. But I'm not a normal person, so I am instead looking forward to this experience.
"You spin the bottle, and whoever it lands on has to drink a random potion!"
You know, I bet one of those potions turns you into a gorilla. There is no real reason why I think that, but I bet there is. Just you wait and see, somepony here is going to become a gorilla, and if they don't, then I will make them become a gorilla! All of them!
"Oh, um... okay then." rarity wasn't really sure how to respond, apparently. Silly filly, all you have to do is kill the sensible part of your brain and stuff it in your mental garbage can, and everything will turn out fine!
"I for one think this is a brilliant idea." I was smiling like a school filly on a snow day. This was going to satisfy my need for weird, for certain.
Pinkie motioned for us to all sit down in a circle next to the coach. Before anypony else could, I leapt like a professional... jumper, and landed on the coach in that awesome laying down thing ponies can do. I then buried my face in the coach for a second, before looking up and giving an evil laugh at everypony else's weird looks.
Then I clapped my hooves together, gave a wicked grin, and did my villin voice. "Let the games... begin!" Pinkie set the bottle down in the middle of our circle, and spun it.
I swear, you could eat the tension in the room. I bet it didn't taste too good, so I'm not sure why you would want to, but you could. Everypony was, metaphorically speaking (except me), on the edge of their seats. It was a wonderful feeling.
The bottle began to slow down, and the tension changed from a thick feeling in the air to gravy. It still probably didn't taste too good, even gravy-ified, but maybe a little better than before.
The bottle stopped on Rarity.
She visibly cringed when the neck pointed strait at her, and I almost laughed out loud. Almost. I have to admit, it was a difficult battle to fight against the strange glee I was getting from this. It became even harder when Rarity grasped a bottle at random with her magic and brought it up to her face.
The brew was a light green color, like Mountain Dew. If I could type a copyright symbol out, I would, but due certain complications that involve a distinct lack of a numpad, I could not. This is truly a sad world that you live in.
Rarity took a tentative sniff at the fumes coming out of the potion. If she thought it would smell bad or something, she was in for a shock, because her face lit up while she blinked in surprise. "That smells rather good, all things considered." Then, bolstered by the good aroma, downed the thing.
Nothing seemed to happen. We all just sat there, not really sure what to do. make her take another one? Then rarity talked. "Did the cabbage occur to you?" She clamped a hoof to her mouth as soon as the words left her mouth, and her stare suggested that she thought it had betrayed her.
I lost the bottle to hold back laughter.
She turned her glare to me as I, and Pinkie, stared rolling on the floor clutching our sides in mirth. It was simply to wonderful, hearing rarity say something like, 'Did the cabbage occur to you?' It just made my already awesome day. I swear, at some point all the awesome in me is going to give a heart attack. Of rainbows.
"The laughing marshmallows should stop hurting my insides!"
This, of course, only caused us to laugh even harder, and pretty soon everypony else was laughing too. By now, both me and Pinkie were dying. Not dead, just mostly dead, there's a difference, see.
By then, Rarity realized that glaring was a losing battle, so she let out a small chuckle as well. Now, it was time for another spin, and we were all ready for the type of random contained within the potions. Except you really can't be prepared for the unexpected, because then it's the expected.
Once again, the bottle was spinning in a swift circle. I wanted i tot land on me, simply to see what would happen. Seeing random crap happen to other ponies? That's cool. Having weird crap happen to you? That is a whole other story, my friend.
It slowed, then stopped on Fluttershy. Dear sweet Celestia, Fluttershy. This is going to be amazing I bet.
Fluttershy squealed when it stopped on her. She looked scared, and I instantly felt bad for her. I mean, who doesn't feel bad for scared Fluttershy? If you actually have someone in mind, I would like their address, so I can give them a... chat... yes...
"Oh, u-um, I guess I j-just take one?" I really hope I don't laugh at whatever happens to Fluttershy. I would just feel awful. Except, I would be laughing, so in the moment I probably wouldn't feel bad. Just afterwords. Sorry, Fluttershy.
She gripped a bottle with her hooves, and peered through the glass. This one was a deep red concoction, and no smoke or mist could be seen above it. It looked kind of like blood, when you look at it... Maybe it makes you into a vampire, I don't know.
Fluttershy lifted the potion to her lips, hooves quivering as they struggled to keep a firm grip on the glass. The crimson drink went down her throat, and everypony was waiting for what would happen next.
She turned into a doll.
Now, a normal person would probably recoil in horror at seeing one of their idols turning into stitching and cloth. If you didn't know I'm not a normal person, I feel sorry for the tiny intelligence you have been cursed with. I dove to Flutter-doll and hugged her to me chest.
"I will protect you!" I sat down at my spot again, though without letting go of the doll. I don't think God intended the faces that the ponies were making to be physically possible, but they were happening anyways.
"What just happened...?" Twilight looked very, very confused. If I just saw someone dive across the floor to grab a doll of one of their friends, I would- oh wait, I would clap for them. Sorry. If you just saw someone dive across the floor to grab a doll of your friend, you would be confused too.
"I happened." Did I have any choice to say anything but that? Did I really? If you think yes, I did have a choice, the universe would like to disagree with you.
"Um... moving on..." Rarity motioned for Pinkie to spin the bottle once again, and she did so with gusto. I think the chaos in the room was giving Pinkie more strength, like some sort of party Sith Lord or something. I don't know, and honestly, who does know about Pinkie?
This time, the bottle pointed at the spinner herself. With out even looking backwards, Pinkie expertly grabbed a bottle and brought it in front of her. Except, it wasn't just one bottle, but two identical bottles tied together with pink ribbon.
The potion it self was also pink, with heart shaped clouds of pink mist rising of of it. I need your help guys, I have no idea what this could possibly do. It just stumps me.
"Looks we need to spin to see who gets to second potion!" The way she said that had way too much enthusiasm in it. If I had those 'emotions' everyone keeps talking about, then I might have been disturbed. As it were, I just focused on figuring out what the thing could possibly do. Still stumps me.
I think everypony else was much more uncomfortable with the idea of getting to share the pink stuff with Pinkie. They have a right to be so; it's in the Equestrian law-book of the Celestial Rule. Chapter twenty four, paragraph five, sentence three. You'll find it.
Guess who the great and powerful bottle chose next? Me. Huge shocker, I know. None of you saw that one coming.
I think I made the challenge accepted face or something, because Applejack raised one eyebrow at me. Pinkie handed me one of the glass bottles, and began a countdown. "3... 2... 1..."
Okay, so the potion didn't exactly what I thought it would do. Instead, it just got straight to the point and smashed me and Pinkie's lips together, just like that. It didn't even give me a chance to swallow the darn stuff, it just wanted to get this over with and take a nap or something.
Naturally, I tried to escape the totally everyday and not-awkward-at-all position that I was in. The potion had other ideas. I swear, this was every single bad thing I had ever done compressed into a pink liquid. Aw crap, that means I'm going to be here all day. There goes sleep.
And just to spit me more, Pinkie seemed to be happy with this. I mean, I know Pinkie is supposed to be happy all the time, but this is just ridiculous. Even after several seconds, the potion didn't let up. rarity fainted, too. She even manged to fit in the dramatic swoon and everything. Silly drama pony.
Finally, the magical hold on me and Pinkie let go. I fell over backwards, since I had used the chance to not even try to sit up. Now, I was laying on my back with only a single word to summarize what I had just went through.
"Huh."
He's a genius! Give him the Noble Peace Prize, the Medal of Honor, everything you have. He is obviously a living dictionary. Let's give him a stunning round of applause, everypony!
"well, that was strange." Applejack, somehow hiding her surprise behind her southern drawl. Hold on, I have a spell for this.. hold on... alright, sacrifice a live goat, feed it sliver to the- oh, you can see this? Uh... you didn't hear anything. At all. Nope. Nothing at all about goats or livers.
"Weird is an understatement." Rainbow added helpfully. I bet no one had realized this was weird until you said that, dash. Congratulations are in order. Via death.
I wildly flailed my hoof in the air. "Your all next! Bwahahahahahaha!" All issues have been resolved. I got an evil laugh out of it, I'm fine. It is such a good example of how pure I am, since laughing manically makes me feel better. I must be an angel.
Apparently I am one scaring freaking multi-colored little pony, because they looked frightened now. Like sheep. They looked like little scared sheep. Do have any idea what I'm talking about? No? Me neither.
Pinkie, maintaining her creepy contented smile, sent the bottle twirling again. It landed on Twilight. She flinched when the thing settled on her, as if it spit at her. Empty bottles with the ability to spit. That sounds like a horrible kids movie to me.
Fetching a random potion with her magic, Twilight brought a bright yellow potion to her face (Insert piss joke here.) She hesitantly brought the stuff to her lips, downing it as fast as her equine lips allowed.
Now, the change wasn't easy to notice at first. It was a gradual process, but after a few seconds, it was obvious. Twilight's coat and mane began to take on a waxy texture, becoming clearer and clearer with each passing second. Her mane and tail seemed to inflate, like a balloon.
And that was exactly the case. Twilight had become a balloon. I was half surprised to see her blink, and look down at herself. She didn't react at first, either because of shock or because turning unto helium filled rubber messes with your mind. Probably both.
"Well this is a new feeling." her clear body seemed to ripple as she spoke with a shockingly not high pitched voice. Instead it sounded more like they were talking through a thin wall, half muffled. In experimentation, Twilight lifted a hoof, and nothing too different from the normal way somepony moves about. I bet she was expecting to fly away like a little birdie. No birdie for you.
"Is the rubber chicken zapped by the spinning events?" Rarity had woken from her faint, and tried and ultimately failed to convey what she wanted. Such is the fate of those cursed by the derp voice. They say it can't be treated, that it is fatal to the infected. They say it can burn your house down too, if your not careful!
"Next pony!" I yelled, before spinning the bottle before Pinkie could. I was completely recovered from, you know, kissing best pony by then. In fact, upon further examination of how I acted, I am forced to deduce that I was more cheerful the rest of the day.
After a few rounds of landing on ponies who already went, Rainbow Dash was finally picked. Courtesy of Pinkie, she was given a vile black potion that seemed to rumble as Rainbow peered inside, as if it didn't want to be drank. that makes sense actually, since being drunk would be like dying for a beverage. And now we can call everypony here a murderer. Hooray~!
Without even a trace of fear, Rainbow gulped down the whole thing. Not a single drop remained. Maybe the potion was suicidal, and was simply excited to be a death's door. I have no idea, can potions be suicidal? Does anyone even know? Scientist, get on that.
And then Rainbow Dash the pegesus became chocolate.
And let me tell you, I would have eaten her if it didn't mean pissing off a lot of bronies who had been put under the illusion that she was better than Pinkie Pie. I think she was milk chocolate, but at the same time it was just as likely that dark chocolate was the real thing she had been inflicted with.
There wasn't even time for her to full appreciate becoming a delectable snack. It was just, poof, you are chocolate now. Have fun being eaten by your friends. It i ssomething you simply must try, I guarantee you will like it. Unless you don't, in which case I don't guarantee it.
With that out of the way, there was only one pony left who had taken the leap of faith along with the rest of us. Applejack, the time of reckoning has come for you. Accept your duties, and allow yourself to be taken on whatever crazy journey the greater powers take you on.
Fittingly, Applejack received an orange potion. It bubbled and fizzed violently in its glass confines, trying to claw its way to freedom any way possible. She eyed it suspiciously, un-trusting of the weird drink given to her by the crazy pony. Nothing strange here.
I rubbed my front hooves together while wearing a wicked grin. "Go ahead, Applejack. It's completely safe." To my incredible surprise, she wasn't soothed by my graceful smile. I just don't understand that pony.
Regardless, she drank it, and the effects took place immediately. Starting from the tip of her tail to the tip of her muzzle, her body became cake covered in orange frosting. It looked like high quality frosting, too. Oh! Oh, I know exactly what her thoughts were as the cake consumed her.
Oh mah god, Ah'm cream filled.
* * * * *
Well, hope your daily crazy intake was satisfied. If it wasn't, then I don't think anything can sate your hunger. At all. God would fail to do so if he tried. Either way, I have no idea when the next chapter will be done, don't forget to rate, and a merry Christmas to us all!
I bet there is someone out there who has experienced a night more insane than mine. Trust me, there are many strange things that happen back on Earth that no one thinks would ever happen. Then they happen.
Of course, it would be hard to top my cake-a-fied Applejack, gibberish Rarity, smooched Pinkie, doll Fluttershy, chocolate Rainbow Dash, balloon Twilight, and also smooched me. Trust, it has been beat, but you just don't know it yet.
"I bet she's apple flavored."
Twilight took my statement very seriously, all things considered. Even as a balloon, she is a studious little unicorn. Balloonicorn? Let's go with that.
Her stare was ludicrous. "Are you serious, Sunny? How can you...?" She placed a helium filled hoof on her forehead. "I should just stop questioning these things, shouldn't I?"
She was greeted by nods from everypony capable. Let me count, that's... four. Four out of seven ponies have been rendered unable to move by their own will. Your plan was a success, Pinkie. I'll grab the goods while you distract the rest of them.
"Wiser words have never been spoken." At least, that's what I think. Not much more wise than saying Sunny isn't well in the head. If there are, tell me, so I can destroy them.
Twilight gave a sigh that told me she was saturated with me. "Pinkie, how long do these potions last?"
Pinkie gave a little shrug. "Something near a few hours or so. Not nearly enough time to figure out what ingredients Applejack is made of."
I'm not sure if I follow the teachings of Pinkie Pie, or if Pinkie Pie is following the teachings of me. Seriously, give it some thought. an you come up with a certain answer?
All the incapacitated ponies were lifted into the air by Twilight's magic. "I guess I'll haul away all these ponies and get them home, since they aren't going any where on their own." Pinkie gave a cheerful wave as Twilight departed, then turned to me when the door closed.
"Your not going with them?" She asked, her ever present smile growing even wider. I don'y know why it would do that, it isn't like she's in the same room as someone who is oddly similar and acts in a random manner as- oh wait a minute.
"Apparently not." I gave a pony shrug. I think it stole the satisfaction you get from beating Sephiroth in Kingdom Hearts II. I felt way too good after doing something that shouldn't be anatomically possible. Actually, that makes it sound like it should very satisfying. Never mind.
She rubbed her hooves in a very evil manner. "I guess that means I can let you in on a little secret, then." Her smile didn't grow any bigger, just closer to the Joker's. Which is awesome.
I narrowed my eyes and put on my (very convincing) serious face. "Show me, master Pinkie."
She crept up the stairs, with me mimicking her every move. I guess I really have gotten used to walking on my own four hooves. I have achieved basic motor skills. A feat of epic proportions has been accomplished tonight.
Finally, we came upon a door. The door itself was normal, but I could feel something big beyond it. Like a blender. Don;t think about it. Your brain might hurt. And that would be bad.
Pinkie pulled a key from Celestia knows where, and slowly inserted it into the lock. With a creak that could deafen... something, the room opened up in front of me. And there were two babies in it.
Wut.
"Wut." My eyes probably grew three sizes too large that day. That can go on the list of impossible things I've done as well. Yay for me. Slap on the back and lots of cheering.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cake had foals a month ago, and I am their go-to babysitter!" Pinkie exclaimed with glee. I would be filled with glee as well if I got to watch baby ponies and make some nits for it as well. Dream job found.
"Wut." I am the Leonardo Da Vinci of lyrics, aren't I? Pinkie just giggled and dragged me over to their crib. One of them had a brown mane and creamy white coat, and the other had a light orange coat with a darker orange mane, like a carrot.
"Their names are Pound Cake and Carrot Cake." Well, that's one mystery solved. I bet the orange one is Pound Cake.
With a delightful squeak, Pinkie pulled out her trusty rubber chicken and tossed it into the crib. carrot Cake leaped like some sort of heat seeking shark and caught it in midair. Then something occurred to me.
"Wait, neither of these babaies are Earth Ponies. How can they be Mr. and Mrs. Cake's children?" Obviously, my good sir, you have never tampered with the laws of Physics. You really need to get out more, Cake family. Get off he bed and do something more safe for work.
"Well, Mr. Cake has some relatives who were unicorns and earth ponies."
"Oh." Well, that was a much more simple answer than I was expecting. I guess everything can't be as illegal as I want it to be. Dramatic sigh.
Then being a pony of utmost responsibility, I just reached into the crib and hugged the little buggers. Their coats were even softer than any other pony's before. New and improved coat, now available on babies.
"Awwwww, you guys look so sweet..." said Pinkie. Since I don't have floating eyeballs that let me see myself without a mirror, I couldn't contribute an opinion. I had one all typed up and every thing. Darn.
"I hope I do. It would look creepy if I didn't look cute holding two very adorable babies in my hooves." Yeah, we don't want me to look like some sort of creepy pony who knows almost everything about a pony before meeting th- oh wait.
I glanced at the two epic piles of pony awesome. "Can they talk yet?"
Pinkie smiled. "Nope!"
Curses, I was hoping I could corrupt them with my twisted human ways before they could even tell what corruption was." Truly, I believe in the greatest of good Christian morals. An upstanding citizen at his best.
"Is it okay if I take them out of the crib to play with them?"
Pinkie seemed to be facinated by the very concept of playing with babies. "Oh, that's a wonderful idea! Let's do that!"
I hoisted the little guy and girl out of their crib and placed them on the floor. Suddenly I realized I didn't have any clue how ponies played with the youngsters. Finding a use for the dusty old thing called a brain, I just plopped Carrot Cake on my shoulders and then made a derp face. Derp a doo shmoop.
This caused Pinkie to burst into laughter. "you're really good at making faces, Sunny!"
"Well, I like to think it's my specialty. Weird that I haven't gotten a Cutie Mark for that." And since I can't remember if somepony told me about Cutie Marks yet, I'll just hope that nopony will notice my slip in knowledge! I would make a wonderful spy.
Then Carrot Cake made an extremely similar face to mine. I slowly set her down on the floor, before falling on the floor myself when I exploded into righteous laughter. It was half-way between a normal, run of the mill laugh and my evil laugh. The of abomination of sound made me laugh harder, making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is told in the ancient scrolls...
"I have taught you well, young padawan." I manged to get out before the laughter overtook my lungs once again.
"What's a padawan?" Pinkie asked, somehow shutting her laughs off for the moment. I don't know how she did it. Teach me, master.
"Human thing, you wouldn't understand" I casually stated. Pinkie would not be put off by a simple barrier of species.
"Be more specific." she uttered as she leaned in close.
"well, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away..."
Just as I finished the introduction, Pound cake flew by. he flew. By. I looked at my wings, sitting at my sides, useless. I then cried in a corner. Literally.
"Whoa, Sunny, what's wrong?" Pinkie asked with concern evident in her voice. Behind her, Pound Cake did a back flip. I cried harder.
"T-The baby can fly, a-and I can't..." I hope my eyes were doing the thing where the wiggle around the edges. That's been on my life checklist for a long time, and it would be nice to get something good out of this random mental breakdown.
Pinkie then pulled out a pig nose, put it on hers, and sung. She sung. I was to engrossed in the epic unfolding before me to actually understand the words over my gibbering lips. The tears changed from tears of sadness to tears of pure and unmolested joy.
"That was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard..." I said, making Pinkie smile with glee before hoof-pumping. Wow, does that sound nothing like fist-pump. Meh.
She brushed a hoof off on her chest. "Could it be anything else?" I enthusiastically shook my head. At the moment, I don't think it could be. The universe has written a new law saying that anything sung be Pinkie Pie becomes the most beautiful thing in existence. All is right in the world.
Since my sadness was crushed under the sparkly hoof of glorious pink joy, I decided to turn the flying baby into a source of inspiration. If the whelp can do it, so can I!
For the second time in my life, I began hovering in the air. This was something that I had down. Actually moving in any direction was another challenge entirely. I just barely shifted my weight to the side like last time, only I started moving slowly sideways instead of grinding into the ground.
"I haven't died yet! Yes!" I did my own hoof-pump, which turned out to be my undoing. I found myself looking at some glowing spots on the ceiling while Pinkie gasped and rushed to my side.
"Oh my gosh, are you alright Sunny?!"
I raised my quivering hoof into the air. "I-I've fallen, and I c-can't get up... life alert, save me...!"
Pinkie then hugged me. "Good, your still acting like you. That's a good sign." Instead of checking to make sure I wasn't hallucinating, Pinkie just continued to hug me some more. I guess that's cool. probably. I mean it's not like I might need medical attention. No way.
"If it takes m-more than one s-shot, you w-weren't using a J-Jacob's...!" Pound Cake and Carrot Cake walked over to me, worried about the mass of tear stained me that was lying prone on the floor. Carrot Cake poked me. "You two join in too!"
I then pulled them unwillingly into the group hug. This will teach their young minds that sometimes love and compassion will be forced upon them violently and without choice. Tomorrow, we will work on becoming sociopaths.
Surprisingly enough, they didn't even argue. They just hugged right back. As a group, we were probably more precious than just me and the babies. It would make a great family photo or something.
"Can I breath now...?" Oh yeah, the hugs were choking me. Forgot that little detail. Wonder how I manged to do that. I guess friendship really can erase anything bad, like near death by hugging! Yay~!
Everypony, including the babies, clopped (heh heh) away from me, and I greedily sicked in some air. OnceI had soem air in my lungs the hugging resumed for a little longer. I then waved for them to step away so I could keep breathing, which is something I consider important.
"Now that you all know how to kill somepony, let's move on to lesson number two, shall we?" I joked as me breath came back slowly. You may or may not be surprised how fatal pony hugs can be. Those hooves do more than protect our feet, you know.
"So you aren't hurt?" Pinkie asked. I nodded. A huge weight seemed to lift off of her shoulders, and her characteristic smile returned triumphantly. Like some sort of war veteran. The battle for Chin Peak, perhaps?
"How about I don't try that again for awhile longer. Sound good?" Now it was Pinkie's turn to nod. Nodding contest, go! *violent shaking*
A light bulb went off somewhere in Pinkie's head. "Maybe we should do something safer, like chess?" Seems odd that the great and powerful Pinkie Pie would ever suggest playing something like chess, but I agreed wholeheartedly anyways. What's not to like about chess?
I'm going to get totally creamed, aren't I?
* * * * *
I got totally creamed.
Somehow, Pinkie chanelled all, and I am talking all, of her crazy and epic-ness into her chess skill. She beat me in like, six turns. I can't even remember how we moved the pieces. It confuses me to no end.
Staring intently at the massive failure of a chess game that was my lost, I sighed. "Since when were you the world's greatest chest player?"
"Since it was the only thing I did for four years!" Hey, that's like when the only good video game I had was Super Smash Bros: Brawl. We both have a streak of doing one pointless thing! Woot!
"That would definitively explain you skill." I said with a sigh. Glancing to the side, I noticed the babies giggling and pointing at me. How dare they mock me for my level of chess expertise! "How dare you mock my level of chess expertise! I challenge you to a d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!"
Pound Cake's eyes narrowed, and he flew (HRGEJGIG) over to Pinkie and gestured for her to get out of her seat, to which she complied. When Pound Cake sat down, he took the first move.
This is going to be an easy victory.
* * * * *
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
* * * * *
A/N: Holy crap, I'm not dead. That's a huge shocker. I very sincerely apologize for the massive delay in chapters, but you can blame that on the Trojan virus followed by derp-tastic failure that my computer went through. Seriously, Norton solved the problem, and then I just couldn't open anything. It was liek my computer didn't want me to hurry up and give you guys some stupid stuff to laugh at.
In other news, I should be getting a better laptop very soon! I know that piece of news doesn't affect this story or you in any way, but i feel like telling you pointless and random things anyways. I'm so considerate.
"Look Sunny, just because you lost to Pound Cake at chess..."
"But he's a baby, Twilight! He's a baby! He can't even talk yet and he masterfully eliminated every single solder I had on my field! They were just trying to help their country for God's sake!"
After leaving Pinkie to look after the wretched beast of a tactical genius that is Pound Cake, I went to Twilight to share my burdens with. You think that she would be great at carrying burdens after the Tom incident, but apparently chess more or something like that.
"It isn't like the world is going to end just because you lost one chess game. Calm down."
This isn't something you calm down about Twilight. It requires attention! "But Twilight, my armies world did end! All of their wives are now widows, are of the children without two parents! The government has been thrown into shambles! The world has already ended!"
Twilight gave an exasperated sigh. I guess she didn't hang out enough with Pinkie Pie yet. "Sunny, the chess pieces don't have families."
I pointed a dramatic hoof at her. "How would you know?"
"I've played chess before, Sunny."
That just shattered my understanding of the world. twilight Sparkle has played... chess? Surly a game that relies on wits and clever strategy would not appeal to- *facehoof*
"Be that as it may, Twilight Sparkle, I can still grieve, no matter what you say!" I then sat my plot down on the floor. then I laid down. Then I curled up. The greatest advantage of being a pony; You are a living blanket.
"I would love to spend ten minutes in your mind."
"Yeah... we have fun in here." In fact, last week we had this party. There was soda, and chips, and soda, and cake, and soda! then Jeff got pissed for some reason or another and we all laughed at him, then there was a murder the next morning. Good times.
Then Twilight got the grin. The grin wheer you can tell that devious thoughts are drifting through there head, the grin that tells you something terrible is going to happen. the grin that signals the end time, the grin that brings divine punishment to those it is directed at. It is... the troll grin!
"What are you thinking, Twilight?" having one of the most powerful wizards alive giving you the troll grin is not a position you want to be in. Seriously. you have not felt true fear until you have experience what I have experience.
"I'm thinking I could spend ten minutes in your mind." Her smile grew wider. It grew. Wider. Every single alarm- even the kazoo -was going off in my head. My wings reflexively started flapping to get away. I wasn't even born with those things and they know to GTFO.
That, and my mind is a very dark place. Actually, scratch that. If it's dark, you can't see the horror. My mind is a dimly lit place. I don't want to corrupt Princess Celestia's protegee with all the things that run through my mind, such as every fact that I know about the Brony community. That includes every grim-dark and shipping fan fic I've read.
"Twilight... you don't fully understand what that would do to your mind. I am not lying or using hyperbole when I say that it could destroy you." There, that sounds threatening enough. Now hopefully she wont be determined to follow through, as is the case in every single movie ever-
"The risk is worth it." Well shoot, there goes that.
"Worth what?"
She pointed her hoof into the air proudly. "Science, Sunny! Speculative science!"
I grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "I love science too, Twilight, but this isn't worth it!"
She grabbed my shoulders right back. Rebellion! "Everything is worth it in the name of science!"
Her horn began to glow, and like some sort of leopard sailfish combo I was galloping out of the Apple family residence faster than a lepard or a sailfish.
Then Twilight teleported right in front of me as I burst through the front door. Well darn, I was hoping that she wasn't going to use her incredibly useful talent. I guess this is just my luck.
I barrel rolled to the side and continued running. She teleported again. Then I felt myself being grasped in her telekinesis. I struggled to free myself from her clutches, and failed miserably.
"Seriously Twilight, bearing the weight of my brain alone is dangerous. Don't do this." I was worried now. She had caught me, and now was going to expose herself to one of man's greatest horrors. Man itself.
"Then I won't do it alone." Wait, no, that wasn't what I meant Twilight! Her horn glowed brighter for a few seconds, then she smiled. "Soon, everypony else will be here to witness this! Isn't ti exciting?"
Yes Twilight, this is very exciting. I am so excited that I am going to think thoughts of nice, clean llamas. Llamas are a much nicer alternative to whatever it was that I was thinking before I was thinking about llamas, and therefore will destroy you less. Hopefully.
It wasn't long before everypony was gathered around in one big circle. Nopony had any idea why Twilight was holding me aloft with childish giggles, or why I was desperately failing to do anything about it.
"Uh, Twi? What the hay is goin' on here?" Applejack asked with as perplexed a face as I have ever seen on her. "Why are you holding Sunny up like that?"
Twilight cleared her throat. "I am about to go into Sunny's mind and learn everything I can about the human race." She make sit sound so normal to invade people's privacy in the most extreme way possible. I don't quite know how she managed to, but she did. Somehow.
Everypony sat in a circle around Twilight, apparently just as eager as her to find out about me. that wasn't what I was hoping for. Think of the llamas, Sunny. think of the llamas!
Twilight's horn lit up even brighter, and I instantly passed out.
* * * * *
Waking up with a very pissed looking Rainbow Dash pinning you down is something I can say was not on my list of thing to do in Equestria. getting knocked out was, but that's besides the point. The point is that I was very confused.
"What... what happened again?" Right as I finished that statement, it came back in its full glory. I quickly looked around for Twilight, fearing I would find some sort of... something. I had no clue what to expect.
She was huddled behind Applejack, quivering. that didn't shock me. All of the information that she just learned would tear any sane person to pieces. Or pony, unfortunately.
"What did you do?!" Rainbow Dash all but screamed into my face. I shrugged. It was the only thing my brain could whip up. I wasn't in the most slap-happy-dandy-chipper of all moods at the moment.
"Twilight?" I called out uncertainly. I was rewarded with something much better than the scream I was expecting. Twilight snapped her head up and stared at me with saucer eyes. She kept doing so for a few more seconds.
With a short gallop I was in a tight embrace.
"What the...? Um..." With every single nit of common sense successfully defenestrated right off of the planet, I gingerly patted the sobbing mare on the back.
"I-I can see... how horrible your world was..." She manged through quivering lips.
So even though her mind has just been assaulted by a mass of horrible thoughts and revelations, all she felt was sympathy for me, sympathy because of the world I endure. I don't think someone that kind exists back on Earth. This is... an eye-opener, to be sure.
"I-I think we s-should talk in private." Twilight whispered as she pulled away. I nodded. Leaving the group of very stunned ponies behind us, we slowly made our way back to Sweet Apple Acres. I opened and held the door for her. We trotted slowly up the stairs.
Twilight shakily sat down on the bed, and I took a seat next to her. An awkward silence filled the space to the metaphorical gills, until I cleared my throat. "So, uh... what next?"
That was the hardest question I had been faced with ever since I had to choose between Nitty Gritty and Culver's. that choice took an hour or two.
twilight took a deep breath, and looked at the ceiling, deep in thought. "Well, I basically know everything about you now. that's new."
"It's also incredibly nerve racking."
I think she was intentionally avoiding the whole I-knew-almost-everything-about-you-too issue. Now both of us have way more dirt on the other than should ever be known between to people.
"At least some of the humans are vegetarian."
That caught me off guard. "Well uh, I'm glad too?" Good recovery, me!
Suddenly, she frowned. "What's with the rainbow pastry cat?"
I burst out laughing. The sheer force of it could have conquered galaxies if it was pointed in the right direction. In fact, I can feel the flag being planted on my right lung. guess it isn't mine anymore. The French have claimed it.
"Of all the things you could bring up, it's that! You had to pick that!" I continued to literally ROFL for awhile, before the invading forces were driven out.
Twilight ten tilted her head back and let loose the greatest sound ever to come out of her equestrian mouth. It shall forever go down in history as the moment when all was corrected in the universe, when everything was at peace.
"Lol."
It's official, guys. her mental strength is at least over 8999. Weird, saying that I have a string urge to crush something in an over the top bout of haminess. I should get that checked.
"How in the name of Pony Jesus have you recovered so fast? That shouldn't be possible, Twilight. You broke the rules. Everyone is going to be mad because you broke the rules."
She sighed. "We can't fix it, can we?"
"Nope."
A smile spread across her face. "I can see why you love memes and references so much."
I gave an incredibly fake and unnaturally happy smile. Or the troll grin. One of the two. "Does your understanding make me 20% cooler?"
She nodded her head with an intense expression. "Indubitably." Then she went back to smiling.
A warm and fuzzy feeling filled my very being at that exact moment. Everything worked out okay. Twilight managed to somehow survive her delve into my mind with only a new array of jokes through some miracle. I think the spell backfired in a good way. Does that still count as backfiring?
"I think this turned out better than it should have. Maybe that's thanks to the llamas."
"It was definitively the llamas that did it."
"Nothing else could explain this."
"Except the Matrix."
"What? That doesn't explain this at all!"
I waved my hooves in the air. "That's the point! MUhahahahahaha!" Oh man, that evil laugh just made my day even more than it was already made. Which was out of concrete.
" You know, I can kind of understand why you like that laugh so-"
She was interrupted by the wall exploding.
* * * * *
A/N: Not one of my better chapters. But, it did set up for the climax to finally drag itself out of the mass of filler that has piled up over the weeks and months. I still haven't manged to write another chapter over 3000 words long. Why is that? Anyways, I hope this was good enough to please you, and have fun doing... something!
Before I tell you how I reacted to the whole wall exploding deal-e-oh, I need to remind you of a few things. I am the person who went through a bottomless pit in the ground and traveled to the best dimension known to any living soul that is filled with the characters I love. Needless to say, a wall exploding is not that weird in comparison.
So when I tell you that I calmly glanced at what used be something other than air and wondered what caused it, you should be able to understand that something so small no longer surprises me.
Twilight, while able to conquer the shock of absorbing my brain, was still in a shaken state. A wall exploding probably would have scared her before the little incident. A bedpost became a crocodile because of her magic that day. It was a bronze statue, mind you, but a crocodile nonetheless.
It would have been nice if the magical beam that causes a random but potent effect had hit the golem dragon head looking at us with as pissed off a face stone can manage.
"Your time time is up, human. Now you must be punished."
With way more speed than should be, uh... golemly possible, the thing grabbed me with a single hand and lifted me into the air. If there was anything I could do to it before, being surrounded by an almost litteral cacoon of stone and bronze gears tends to inhibit one's ability to, shall we say... do jack shizzle. Dawg.
It seemed to be thinking about what to do. Since I'm assuming it's a machine, it must be running slowly. That's what you get when you still use Windows Vista. Hiyo~!
Just as it was about to say something, the previously mentioned bronze crocodile smacked into its face. Not only did it create a satisfying smack sound, but it also produced a very soothing note. Current situation taken into account, I was not very soothed.
Twilight's horn unlit as her foe turned to face her. "You dare to challenge an ancient being such as me in combat?" Well gee, when you put it that way, it just seems like a silly idea. In all likelihood, it will be done anyways.
Twilight smirked. Ridiculous line in 3... 2... 1... "Indubitably." Confound this giant hand around me! I could applaud her expert usage of that word if it wasn't for my stones binds!
"It shall be your inevitable downfall." Oh, no need to be such a downer all the time, immortal piece of crap! To live life happily, you only need to do a few things, like these. You gotta share~! You gotta care~!
With the helpless sack of meat that is me still in tow, it and Twilight charged towards each other. Nope, that's a lie. It charged towards Twilight as Twilight launched a fireball into its face. I think I like the second turn of events better. Or I would if it didn't light my mane on fire.
"My mane's on fire! AHH! AHH!" Now that I have fully played the part of annoying helpless pony, can I go home? That would just be wonderful. Then we could all be happy agai- No? Well screw you too, monster thing.
With an extremely casual burst of magic, my precious hair was saved from the onslaught of fire. I quickly dived to the side of the room to allow Twilight more room to eliminate the opposition. Hopefully my selected corner will not be bathed in more flame or some sort of poison.
A 30 second time frame passed where all that happened was Twilight dodging the dragon's claw swipes. Then the dragon remembered that it had time controlling powers. Twilight was not casting any more spells for a little while.
The dragin turned to me. "Finally, I can punish you without any more annoyan-" I am not sorry to say that he was interrupted by a very angry and somewhat rabid-looking pink blur that I assume hell sent to destroy whatever it pleased. In simpler terms, it was angry Pinkie Pie.
"NO ONE HURTS MY FRIENDS!" before the dragon was allowed any time to reply, his face was immediately introduced to Pinkie's face in as violent a manner as was possible. I dare say that he wasn't doing very well in the whole 'punish you for your crimes against the alien queen of mars.' Something like that, at least.
While still dazed, all the other Elements of Harmony came up the stairs. They immediately halted as they took in the scene in front of them; me hiding in the corner, Twilight frozen in time, and Pinkie standing over a dazed mechanical dragon with a very pissed off face. It took them a moment to sort everything out.
I smiled at the wonderful sight of them. "Thank goodness you guys are here! Now we can handle this problem right-" My sentence was not meant to live it seems, for it was pushed aside by the very loud guttural roar that was coming from Pinkie's opponent.
Everypony was flung against a wall as a huge gut of wind billowed from the dragon. It stood back up, suddenly no worse for wear than it was before all the fire balls and face smashing it went through. To quote a great man: "We're totally screwed, aren't we? Yeah, thought so."
Without pausing to give some sort of villainous monologue about being invincible or something, it charged straight at my corner. Specifically the part of it that contained me. That basically means all of it, but whatever. Don't muddle the issue with your fancy logic!
Once again getting forcefully lifted into the air by stone claws, I could somehow see the fury inside the jeweled eyes of our attacker. The fact that a machine manged to look angry probably means that they would burn the world with the biggest flamethrower in existence just to get at what they hate. Fortunately for me, he has no beef with me. At all. Trust me on this one.
"I have decided on your punishment. Receive it with misery." I was going to say something stupid and lower the chances of making it out alive, but I felt a horrible sensation building in my throat.
It was like any air that I tried to put into saying anything was stopped by a brick wall. I could breath fine, but doing anything else constricted my throat and sent pain down my entire body. My mind couldn't really make sense of what was going on; it probably thought I was choking, and reflexively sent me into a panic as I was dropped to the floor.
Pinkie's expression will forever haunt me. There was such an incredible level of raw, uncontrolled terror in it that I got even more panicked than before. I started writhing on the floor, trying to speak, or make a noise at least, as Pinkie and Rainbow Dash attacked with incredible sped.
I hate time powers.
Their bodies both froze in midair, yet somehow left their heads able to move. They squirmed around, trying to do anything, and ultimately failed. The mechanical dragon approached, laughing a deep, raw, and horrible laugh. "Any last words, mortal fools?"
Dash said nothing, intensely focused on trying to escape. Pinkie turned right towards me, as tears started forming in her eyes. It sunk in at last that we had lost. We were going to die. There was no hope, no way to escape. Everything slowed down as I looked at the others, and saw that they were "timed out" as well.
"A-Actually, yes," She stammered out. "I-I just want to say... I love you, Sunny."
My brain just quit, right then and there. It decided that the entire world had been flipped upside down. Pigs were flying, cows could talk, and Waldo had been found. The utter confusion that was forcing its way into my head caused an emergency shutdown, and I stopped flopping and went still.
That was an idiot move right there, something only a truly genius person could pull off. I assume I looked pretty dead, considering I let my tongue just hang out on the floor. Pinkie started wailing madly, renewing her efforts to escape. They didn't succeed.
This is it, I guess. I can't say anything stupidly witty, or just plain stupid. Everyone is at the hands of whatever whimsy a very powerful time controlling dragon things wills, and it currently wants us all dead. When I die, please put my cremated remains in an oatmeal jar. It's what I've always wanted.
Then everything froze. What is this, the third time stuff has stopped moving? It stopped scaring me as soon as I accepted my fate, which happened shocking;y fast now that I think about it. Weird.
Either way, a sphere of light formed in the middle of the room, while none of us moved, due to reason you really should be able to guess. It burst, leaving a very shiny Princess Celestia behind. She took one look at the mechanical dragon and frowned, before teleporting the thing away to somewhere that wasn't here. Then everything returned to normal.
Pinkie and Rainbow fell to the ground, and everypony else stumbled a little as they readjusted to gravity and moving. Before a second passed, Pinkie was at my side, eyes filled to the brim with tears. She cracked a smile when she saw I was still breathing.
I smiled too, and tried to say: "All you have to do is giggle at the ghosties." It didn't work. My body was still refusing to produce any sort of language that I could speak. Her face grew panicked again as she saw my mouth forming words, but making no words.
"Twilight, something's wrong with Sunny!" She sounded on the brink of letting loose the waterworks again. Needless to say, Twilight came over quickly, her horn flaring to life as she did what I presume to be a magic scan of some sort.
She became more and more worried as time went on. It was doing no favors to Pinkie's level of zen and calm, if you can really claim Pinkie has zen with anything close to a straight face. I know I can, since I should never be used in the same sentence as the word 'normal.'
Dispelling her spell, Twilight sighed. "It looks like some sort of silencing spell was put on Sunny, but it doesn't feel right. It's as if Sunny was never able to use her voice at all, ever." That worried me. He put a spell on me that stops my insane blathering? This cannot do. It must be Fixed!
I could tell I was recovering remarkably well from the very frightening experience because I tried explaining in detail how important it was that I needed to spread nonsense in order for the world to remain in balance. The physics of it are to complex to explain, trust me. It involves many googleplexes.
"You mean he can't talk!?" Pinkie seemed to understand the level of dastardliness that spell was, and gasped. Then she hugged me as tight as possible, crying into my chest. I couldn't complain, though I wouldn't have if I could. Everypony needs somepony else to cry to from time to time.
I suddenly remembered to whole love topic that got brought up. I traced a heart shape with my hooves, then pointed at her and me. She blushed, and nodded. Well, I guess that's one thing off the ole' agenda. Wait. Hold on a minute.
I spasmed around a bit, before rapidly gesturing between me and her. She nodded again. My body shoved my mind out of the way and pulled Pinkie into a hug with my wings, presumably with some help from those blasted hormone things. My mind then decided that this wasn't cool enough, and went to go play some poker with my spleen.
As Pinkie beamed and huddled up right next to me, burying her face into my fuzzy fuzzy coat, Twilight's ears perked up as she glanced around. "Where did Celestia go?"
Shocked I hadn't noticed the extreme lack of divine goddess in the building, I looked around. As Twilight has already noticed, she was gone. It was a classic 'Oh hi, let me kill this monster for you. I have to go cook shrimp now. Keep the change. Hi doggy. Bye~!' situation. I'm sure you've all had one of those at some point.
Everypony gathered up around the corner that I had manged to not leave during the entire fight, and stood around trying to figure what exactly had just happened. I don't even know myslef. All I know is that a pink mare is snuggling me, and my body refuses to do anything about it. I'm not even sure I want to do anything about it.
Rainbow Dash was the first to speak. "So uh.. what now?" It was the hardest question to answer. At least, if you have common sense. Me? I tried yelling out random breakfast foods as soon as the question was asked. In a shocking turn of events, it failed.
"I think we should send a letter to Celestia," Twilight answered, trotting towards the somehow intact stairs of the ruined Apple Family residence. Everypony followed her, since a better plan had failed to present itself. Or maybe I just ate it. The world may never know.
We started towards Fluttershy's cottage, after she mentioned that she had some spare letter taking supplies laying around. I'll be honest; I don't think the effects of the mechanical dragon have been felt yet. At some point in the future, there will be many melt downs.
For now, I just have a mare nuzzling me as I walk.
* * * * *
A/N: Well, I finally got another chapter done, and finally made all the shit go down. Hope you liked it, since there was less humor put into this one. More serious stuff. Also snuggling.
Without anypony actually saying anything, least of all me, we wandered back to Twilight's library. We got plenty of weird looks, considering that half of us we scuffed up, and because Pinkie Pie was clinging to my back and purring like some sort of failed assassin cat.
When we reached the library, we discovered a floor that looked brand new. A generous finish had been applied, so it had a dull sheen to it. The shelves were all back in order from the quake that I had literally forgotten about until then, and had all the books neatly crammed on them.
Needless to say, Twilight was confused.
"So the library, the place where I live, gets fixed and nopony tells me!?" She snorted, seeming to both hate and love the prospect of getting her house back, albeit without being told about it. I felt like there was some sort of lesson to be learned from it, something about how the government sucks and we should all become nudists (Which we totally are already), but I have no clue.
Pinkie Pie looked up from rubbing her face in my mane. "Where's Spike?"
Twilight raised a hoof to answer, then quickly realized that she had no answer. Until she briefly browsed the humongous amount of information that is the internet, and came up with something. "Space," She nodded slowly, apparently liking the only vaguely decent reference. "Definitely space."
I face-hoofed, while everypony else looked confused. With good reason, too. GET BETTER REFERENCES, TWILIGHT.
Rarity moved towards the stairs, calling out as she did so, "Spike? Are you here?" Everypony quickly followed suit, forming the incredibly effective 'hey everybody, let's all look at different walls of the same room when what we're looking for can't hide in the walls!'
Deciding that actually looking all over was a good idea, I lead Pinkie upstairs and went into the room opposite the one that Rarity entered. If I wanted to help her search, I couldn't have. She locked the door. Don't ask why. The only thing I will answer with is 'she's masturbating,' because I'm a douche bag like that.
The room I entered was Twilight's from the look of it. If the bed didn't give it away, the massive telescope that could probably see some guy waving from Uranus (lol) gave it away as well. And sitting peacefully as can be, was Spike. In his little bed thing. Right there.
*Le sigh*
His irritatingly blissful looking sleep was halted by a very loud, friendly, and pink sound. "I FOUND SPIKE!"
The poor guy flew into the ceiling, then ricocheted into the floor. Flailing about from the heart attack that I can only assume happened, he was awake pretty fast. "What jus- I'm awake!"
Clawing himself into an upright position, he was treated to a face full of Pinkie Pie. "Hiya Spike!"
Oddly enough, he flew into the ceiling again.
When he recovered, he gave a very angry and pouty pout to Pinkie. "A nudge would have worked just fine."
"I know!"
OWNED IN THE FACE
In trying to think of something witty to say (he failed), everypony else had gathered in the doorway and peered in. Rarity beamed. "Spike! Your alright!"
"Why wouldn't I be alrig-" he was silenced by a crushing hug from the fashion pony. Fact: Sewing machines can apparently make you RIPPED.
Unable to properly do anything due to a severe case of broken everything, Spike was smothered. Not literally, though everypony feared that he was after the thirty second mark. rarity had to dragged off of him by Twilight.
"Please let me live." Spike managed to gasp out. I leaned next to him and gave a smirk. An evil smirk. A smirk so evil that it could slay the Balrog or something. He tried to squirm away. I kept smirking.
I am horrible.
"So what now?" Applejack asked, "We found Spike. Do we jus' wait for sumthin' to happen?"
That's a good question, Applejack. Why don't we direct our attention to Twilight, because we love putting Twilight in positions of responsibility so that we can blame our inevitable failure on her. Because we are nice ponies and we love everybody.
"We could head to Canterlot and see what's up with Celestia," she suggested. Huh. How could I fail to think of something so blatantly obvious? I slapped my own face silly as I realized my failure. Good thing I can blame Twilight, hahahahaha...
Regardless of any face slapping that may or may not have been going on, Twilight's idea was the only one we had, so we followed through on it. During the ride to Canterlot, nothing happened.
Nothing. At. All.
* * * * *
The teleportation spell was disorienting.
And when I say disorienting, I mean I almost lost my guts.
The same thing seemed to have happened to everypony, including the spell caster herself. We waited a few minutes for our stomachs and everything else to settle their differences with each other. Since the both of them are stubborn jerks, it took longer than we wanted.
"Ahem."
A guard had approached us as we recovered ourselves, undetected. That creeped me out more than a little. Shame I couldn't go into detail about how creepy the guy looked, since every single royal guard has the exact same blue mane and white coat.
"Are you here to see the princess?" the guard asked, apparently expecting us. That's strike two on the creeper chart, mister. You better watch out if you want to avoid having to walk around singing a song by the Lonely Island. then everybody will hate you because you will scare them. Your life will slowly spiral out of control as everypony you know and love gets creeped out.
Don't go down this road.
Twilight swallowed. "Yes, actually. How did you know?"
"She was expecting you," BIG SHOCKER THERE," I was told to not let you into the castle, Element of Magic."
Flinching, Twilight frowned. "What do you mean, 'we aren't allowed into the castle?'"
The guard remained stoic and creepy. "You are not allowed entry into the castle by Celestia's orders. You may now leave."
I hope Twilight doesn't turn the poor guy into stone or something. She looks like she wants to kill something at least seven times, not counting torture so painful it puts its victims in a near-death state of being. She stamped her hoof, but couldn't think of something to counteract a direct order from Celestia herself.
"Let's leave." Twilight charged her horn without warning us that we were going to be teleported in a second, and we were promptly placed back in the Ponyvillie library.
"Can we take a chariot next time?" Pinkie asked as she wavered on her hooves before just leaning onto me. Somehow I manged to stay upright with added weight of Pinkie Pie on me. It was when she actually climbed onto my back that problems arose.
After an incredible three seconds of resistance, I fell to the floor with a pink pony splayed out on top of me. She makes a good blanket, actually. With the mental image of a blanket made of Pinkie in mind (Where else would a mental image be?), I curled up on the floor. Pinkie swiftly followed suit, snuggling against me.
Even though I closed my eyes, I could almost sense a smile on everypony else's face. "Awwwww..." Fluttershy sighed. that made me smile more than the Pinkie Blanket 5000 was. The swirling feeling in my gut was soon replaced with warm happiness and rainbows.
It's less spicy than I thought it would be.
Twilight, however, missed out completely on what was happening on the floor. instead, she paced restlessly on the shiny floor, muttering to herself about princesses and guards and frogs and stuff. you know, normal everyday rebellion type stuff. Applejack seemed to pick up on her anger, and moved to try and solve it.
"Twi, there's no need to get so worked up over this. For all we know, Celestia is just dealing with the dragon thang as we speak, and can't exactly see us."
"But how could she not be done with it? She's Princess Celestia! She raises the sun! this should be no problem!" Twilight quickly spun on her hooves to face Applejack, who reared back from the angry face that had suddenly appeared in her face.
She took a step back. "Twilight, get a hold of yerself! We can just wait for her to be done with whatever it is she's doing, and then we'll talk to her! Simple!"
Twilight steeped right back up to Applejack, getting even more angry by the second. "But it isn't that simple! She's a ruler of Equestria! If she isn't seeing her personal student, then something is wrong, very very wrong!"
Her steps were loud on the wooden floor as she came even closer to Applejack, who was forced to move away from Twilight. "Maybe she's dead, or wounded, or worse! Maybe she just doesn't want to be seen in a weakened state and lower morale across the nation!"
Applejack looked afraid of the nearly deranged mare in front of her. Twilight was about to launch into more ranting when Rainbow Dash grew tired of watching. She wanted to change the channel! that was a terrible metaphor!
"SHUT UP!"
Everypony's head turned towards her, including miss psychotic. "Whatever happened, we may as chill out and wait for something to happen." Rainbow grunted and sat down. "Calm down, for bucks sake."
Huh. Logic from Rainbow Dash. Go figure.
Her extremely short and simple speech snapped Twilight out of her miniature psychotic breakdown. "Alright... I can calm down..."
It was then that Pinkie slowly raised her head from its resting place in the crook of my neck. "What's going on? Why's everypony yelling?" I'd like to know the answer too, Pinkie. I mean, its not like they had a badger dropped on their head or something like that. You call yourself pissed off until you have experienced something like that.
"It's nothing, Pinkie. You can go back to, uh... hugging Sunny."
And she did.
* * * * *
A/N: Well, this is the shortest chapter yet. I feel really bad about not making it longer, but I fell out of the groove when I got lazy and didn't write anything for more than a month. Or was it two months...? If I can't remember, it isn't a good sign. Either way, I FINALLY got something done.
I don't feel very satisfied with this chapter at all. I didn't get much idiotic humor in, and my serious writing still hasn't improved at all. Hopefully I can improve if I start writing on this regularly again. If I fall into the groove again, then everything should work out fine. If not, were skrewed.
