> Star Horse: The Friendship Awakens > by Good Christian Ethesto > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Yellow Text Simulator 20XX > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Star Horse Episode IV: The Frienship Awakens During Season 2, in an Equestria far far away, Twilight Starhorse plotted her ascendancy to the throne. However, during a sleepover with her friends, Rainbow Speed turned out to actually be a giant centipede, leaving the sleepover in ruins. Meanwhile in Rarity's secret, underground boutique, work has begun on new, dress-based technology that could finally give the resisties the upper horse hand in their war with those bad guy horses... Despite being in space, Sweetie Belle's face grew flaccid, softening like dough fresh from the oven as she lolled herself into a false sense of security. "According to our space sonar, there are no bad horses in the sector," she explained for whatever reason it is that drives sniveling mortals to do things while simultaneously implying that herself and perhaps onlookers are currently in space, likely on some sort of space-fairing vessel. "Who are you talking to?" Wondered Scootaloobacca, who's covered in hair like all horses, except she said it in an alien language that sounded more like she was gurgling hornets, but everyone understood her because in the past people were ambidextrous, so they could understand multiple languages, maybe even all languages. Horses nowadays are just too lazy to do that. "Yes," agreed Appl3-bloom, who's actually a horse-shaped robot probably, but you can't tell because she just looks like every other horse, then she began beeping instead because that's how robots talk, and also the 'yes' just sounded like an English word but it was actually robot language too that meant something totally different. "Haha," Sweetie Belle laughed, likely at some incomprehensible joke from Appl3-bloom, but it beats me! "...," she said as she stopped laughing, realizing all too late that the gentle beeping of the sonar had flat lined. She looked down at the instrumentpanel, two words cleverly combined to describe a panel with some sort of instruments, perhaps musical in nature, and gleaned a lot of information in a single glance. Then she glanced for a second time and it all started sinking in. The pieces fell into place and everything finally made sense. "Oh no!" She practically cried, and also literally cried as tears streamed from her gaping tear ducts as death was imminent and all mortals fear death, "apparently the bag guy horses warped right next to us while I wasn't paying attention." They can do that, it's canon. "They're pulling us in," said Scootaloobacca who had a laser crossbow because that's not fucking retarded. I mean it is fucking retarded. "With their tractor beams," she continued, explaining further for Appl3-bloom who's a bit slow. "In space," she lamented, probably confirming now that they actually are in space and not just a space-like place or somewhere reminiscent of space. The whole ship shook, as the enemy ship mounted it, penetrating its entrance with just the tip of its boarding bridge. "B-but, I'm a virgin," their ship said, blush cells furiously radiating heat from its fuselage. The bad guy ship, that looked like a giant space dorito, knew a blatant lie when it saw one. She'd probably been boarded by every ship in the sector. A smuggling ship like herself got around, and dealt with some shady customers. It just hoped it didn't get pubic droids. "You're not fooling anyone, now turn your head and cough," it said romantically as it penetrated all the way into the entrance, but it didn't actually say anything because it's an inanimate object, you fucking idiot. Sweetie Belle grabbed her zappy gun, then dropped it on the floor because horses don't have finger prints with which to grip objects. Then the door exploded, and a hundred, no, a thousand, bad guy horses stormed in, all with matching plastic dollar-store-space-armor that looked really lame if I'm gonna be honest, and they shot Appl3-bloom with their zappy guns forty times. They shot her 40 times. That's as many as four tens and that's terrible. "Wooooo," screamed Appl3-bloom as her robot guts melted leaving both myself (the narrator) and you (the audience) to wonder if it was a 'wooooo' of excitement or pain. Her character hasn't been developed enough for us to know whether or not he/she/ze enjoyed that kind of thing. Sadly, we may never know. Sweetie Belle reached for the sky, or the ceiling I guess since the sky is just a myth in space, in a clear gesture that she was unarmed. "Woah, hold your humans. Don't blast me, I'm too young to die," she lied. Even young people can die. Especially really young people, even from common diseases that an adult like yourself wouldn't worry about. That's why it's always important to vaccinate your children. It's also the law! Crime never pays, kids. Thankfully for her, they didn't zap her even once, and she remained thoroughly unzapped as a new figure boarded their noble vessel. It was gangly and disgusting, and covered in dark blue fur. Then, it took off its mask, revealing its ugly, misshapen face and malformed head horn. "Oh gross, put the mask back on Princess Lunar," exclaimed Scootaloobacca, revealing that the visitor was none other than the lunar princess. Princess Lunar was self conchshell about her looks and the fact that she's the worst princess, and arguably worst character altogether, in the entire show, I mean universe. She's basically useless and has a piss poor character design that just looks terrible. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if the person who designed her had a heart attack while swimming in a creak and tragically drowned, and the thought always brings a slight smirk to my luscious lips. She put the mask back on, much to everyhorse's relief. "I've come looking for a robot horse that has a map, or something. I don't know, the plot is kinda iffy right now," she explained, breathing heavily through the air filtration system in her mask. Boy was it hot wearing that thing, and the visor was always fogging up. "Sweetie Belle pointed to the corpse of Appl3-bloom," said Sweetie Belle, as she pointed to the corpse of Appl3-bloom, which was leaking vital, robogoo all over the nice carpet. The first stages of decomposition were already setting in as billions of tiny robot bacteria began breaking her body down, and it was really starting to stink. "Aw jeez," said Princess Lunar as she realized her mistake. "Now we'll never find Twilight Starhorse." Then Scootaloobacca, who can never tell a lie thanks to her son's birthday wish, just like that one movie, butted in, "She's on Equestria." Princess Lunar nodded as she jotted that down in her handy, dandy notebook, drawing a little picture of Equestria so she wouldn't forget. "Okay, thanks." "So, does this mean we're free to go?" Wondered Sweetie Belle, who was itchin' to get back to smugglin'. "I suspose," said Princess Lunar, who'd got what she came for, "but you two have to promise me that you guys will turn over a new leaf and, despite being portrayed as the good guys, you won't lie to and murder literally every non-main-character you come across like a couple of ravenous animals." "Okay," agreed Sweetie Belle, who had her fingers crossed behind her back. "Okay," said Scootaloobacca. Then, with that finished, the bag guys exited the ship and went back to doing whatever it is they do. "Wait," said Sweetie Belle, who gave her orange horse friend a questioning look, as though she was about to ask a question. "I thought you could never tell a lie?!?!" "I lied about that," she explained, and they both laughed for a hundred, no, a thousand hours. > Space Whispers > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and on Desert Equestria VIII, Fluttershy scavenged for spare parts in the hulking corpse of a long-dead space whale. "Wow, this space whale spleen will be worth a pretty penny, I wager," she whispered articulately in her native tongue of spaceEnglish, two words cleverly combined to describe English but in space. A few minutes later she'd emerged from its corpse, reeking of space whale as she put on her moon shoes. Moon shoes. Horse-powered anti-gravity shoes. She hopped back through the desert, all the way to the little shit hole she called home. "I sure hope my mom and dad will come back to this planet and love me," she whispered, naively hoping for something that would never be as she was made in a test tube during the clone wars, spoiler alert. Before long, she reached Horsehome, and was ready to trade in her booty at the booty desk to the booty horse. He was a fat horse, and also an alien or something, but still a horse all the same. I'm not racist. She cut in line, naturally as she's the main character, and horsehanded the spleen to him. "With this, my 401HK(Horse Thousand) will be assured, yes?" she whispered. Saving for retirement is important. "Hmmm," he onomatopoeiad, "hrugh," he onomatopoeiad again, "hrurp," followed by yet a third onomatopoeia. Finally, after no less than three onomatopoeias he used his words, "I'll give you negetive 1,000 moneys for this." Fluttershy was shocked, and she gave a nasty look behind her in line at the horse who'd touched her after rubbing a balloon against himself. "B-but, I only make 5 moneys every three years," she whispered. "Space whales are an endangered species, and even if you are the MC, it's still against the law to poach," he mansplaned spreading his legs in a clear gesture of testicle-based dominance. "Pay the fine or serve your sentence." Fluttershy started sweating, beads of calcified urine rolling down her face as she looked around frantically for a way out. As the main character, no way was she going to get convicted of poaching in this onahellhole. "Ha... Haha, ha," she laugh whispered, "twas big American joke, see? I not understand humor so I try making the joke, but I not do good, haha." The booty horse smiled, realizing she was just a stupid, subhuman foreigner, and not a poacher after all. "Oh, haha, sorry. I didn't get it at all." "Yes, is funny joke, is actually large horse spleen," she whispered. "In that case I can give you .27 moneys." He pushed a pile of legal U.S. pennies across the counter which she greedily snatched up, hissing at everyone in line as she scurried away with her prize. "What a nice young girl," he remarked, rubbing a tear from his perfectly-oval eye as childhood memories came back of the time he was also nice young girl. With this newest addition to her Jew stash, her 401hk was all but assured. She laughed, rubbing her horse hands together as she remarked to herself in a whisper, "the goyim es muy estupido jajajaja." "Oy miss, check this out," shouted some dirty market scum from a nearby stand, instantly catching her attention. He held up a slinky for her to see. "Pshhh, I've seen springs thrice as nice as that one, you dumb idiot," she practically whispered, but actually literally whispered I suppose, "am I supposed to be impressed." "Hahaha," laughed the dirty merchant, his nose at least twice as large as Fluttershy's. "This isn't your ordinary, human-spring, you uneducated cur. This is an advanced, Space-Spring," he said, cleverly combining two key words. "The year is 20XX, the future is now. Just feast your eyes on this magnificent device as it descends this three-tall stack of books I made into a tiny staircase." He placed the Space-Spring on the top book and gave it a slight push and, right before Fluttershy's eyes the magnificent thing flipped right over itself in some unholy display as it moved all the way to the bottom book in mere seconds as though it were possessed by some sort of space-demon. "Holy guacamole-flavored guava chimichangas," spouted Fluttershy in a whisper, combining a bunch of random words because that's what's funny nowadays, right? "How much is that thing, Mister?!" The merchant, who'd been eyeing the small pile of U.S. legal pennies in her horse hand this entire time was quick to give her an answer. "For a sweet, young horse like yourself, only 27 cents," he couldn't help but drool a bit as he eyes her sheckles. Fluttershy was about to say yes, when she realized she really wanted this money. Then again, she rationalized, how often does a great deal like this come along? She'd never even heard of a space-spring before. It was probably rare, and would be a great investment. "Sure, here's 27 legal U.S. penis in exchange for that there space-spring," she whispered. The merchant took the cash and threw the slinky at her. "Haha, you fucking idiot, it's just a normal slinky, you dumb idiot. Now your money is all mine, you stupid idiot. Hahaha." He ran off and buried the money in his Jew pit. "Aw jeez," Fluttershy whispered to herself, "he tricked me out of my money again. Now I'll never reach my 401hk." "Hey miss," came another voice from nearby. Fluttershy turned and saw a black guy, I mean a black horse guy. "Can you fly a space airplane?" "Of course, I can also use space magic, I mean, not yet," whispered her. "Cool, let's be friends, also I'm a rebel so take me to the rebel base and also since you've been seen with me you're a wanted criminal haha," he explained as he pointed at a group of evil horse guys with laser guns. "Oh boy," whispered Fluttershy, "what have I gotten myself into this time?!" > The Journey of a Lifetime > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Wow," started that black rebel horse, that was mentioned at the end of last chapter, as he looked out the window, "I can't believe we're already in space." He could believe it, however, and he in fact did believe it. It's just a figure of speech. "I can't believe it's not butter," Fluttershy whispered, but he didn't hear her because he had the radio turned up listening to black pony music. "I can't believe it's not butter," she repeated, in a whisper. He simply juked and jived as he jammed joyously to the music, not having heard a single one of her many jokes since they'd gotten on the space airplane. Finally, Fluttershy had had enough, and she turned the radio off. Instantly, the black pony's face scrunched up like a tissue after I've cummed into it. "A'kore sha'kai," he screached in inhuman rage, offering a quick prayer to the dark gods he served, "why'd you turn off my sick-ass jams, yo?" "They were starting to stink," Fluttershy whispered jokingly. In reality, she hated black pony music, black pony culture, and black ponies. The only reason she'd allowed this wretched scum to come with her was because she had a mighty fear of getting caught by the authorities ever since the Space Holocaust. "Yeah, 'cuz 'dem sum dank beats, my negro," he explained as he glared at her from behind. He'd always hated yellow people. "My space airplane, my rules," Fluttershy put her foot down in a whisper, "don't make me turn this thing around." It actually wasn't her space airplane at all, she just found it lying around with the keys sitting in the ignition, which is lucky. It's also lucky that Fluttershy knows how to pilot all space airplanes because the plot is retarded. because she has space magic. because she's the main character. because she scavenged parts for a living and, therefore, knew how to pilot ships. "So, how do you know how to pilot space airplanes anyway?" The black pony wondered, dredging up the plot holes that I, the narrator, already so cleverly pointed out. "what space airplane flight school did you go to?" "Noneya," Fluttershy whispered with a whisper snicker. "Oh, that's a pretty cool school, yo," he lied, not being educated enough to know of a single space airplane school. In fact, he probably didn't even know the difference between a deer track and a snack pack. "Noneya beez wax," Fluttershy finished her joke in a whisper, whisper laughing to herself because it was freaking hilarious just like all my jokes. Now the black pony was peeved. He was siriously miffed. He was so ticked off. He was, dare I say, angry. Was she not the only pony around who could pilot this vessel, he'd have murdered her right then and there for that transgression and feasted on her eyeballs and entrails. However, being the rational, black pony he is, he decided it could wait until they landed. He'd never forgive her for this. Never ever. "By the way," he decided to change the subject, "my name is Negro Dash," he finally introduced himself after like 500 words. Also, I don't know of any black ponies and I currently don't have internet connection. "What a coincidence, I have a friend named 'Rainbow Dash'," Fluttershy lied in a whisper. Rainbow Dash isn't in this story. "Oh yeah, I know her," Negro Dash lied since black ponies are notorious liars and he does it compulsively since he has no self control since he wasn't raised well by his single mom and his dad ditched him because he knew the little porch horse would never amount to anything. "So, where are we going again?" Fluttershy questioned in a whisper. "We need to go to Equestria," Negro Dash explained. "As I briefly mentioned, I'm part of the resisties and I need to group up with the others there." "Oh, okay," Fluttershy shrugged in a whisper. Good thing she knew where Equestria was. She pulled out the star charts, checked her sextent, measured the windspeed, and set full sail towards Equestria. "At our steady pace of eight miles per hour, it'll only take us approximately four-hundred-eight trillion years to get there." Negro Dash nodded, knowing that realistically, long-distance space travel is cumbersome and near impossible, so he simply kicked back, put his smelly feet up on the dash and slipped his mix tape in the radio. "Good thing I brought music." Fluttershy whisper sighed, disliking black pony music, but at least preferring it to having to talk to an actual black pony. Oh well, soon enough they'd be at their destination and she could sell this space airplane and be even closer to reaching her 401hk. > Four-Hundred-Eight Trillion Years Later > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Woop, woop, woop. I'm hungry for poop. Now spread your legs and shoot some hoops. Gimme fat stacks, brown rocks from your ass. I'll roll 'em in a joint and smoke your scat with some grass. Fart in my mouth, bitch, I'm hungry for shit. Regurgitate on your clit, I'm gonna lick it. I want that smooth, chocolate pudding, girl, I'm hungry for it. Don't ignore it. Giiirl, I do adore it. "Feces on my tongue, bitch, tastes like booty. I won't get scurvy, girl 'cuz that shit's fruity. Lay down on your tummy now and shoot it up. Shit defies gravity I'll catch it in a cup. I'll swallow it all with a 'glup, glup, glup', then I'll kill you like Ducky's voice actor, yep, yep, yep. "You're all out of poop? Not a problem. I'll slip some laxatives in your drink, you know I gotta. You got that painful diahhrea, just let it go. Creamy in my mouth like a double-stuffed Oreo! Folding up your rectum like some origami. Mmm, what's that taste, corn and Salami? It's burning up your ass, it burns my throat. Shit's drippin' down my chin like a rootbear float. "Big booty bitches shootin' shit in the air. You think it's gross, oh contraire, I'm eatin' turds everywhere. Gotta eat my own weight in scat each day. Got those big brown logs lined up on a plate. Get your ass off that toilet, girl, I want a taste. I'll eat that ass out won't let nothing go to waste." Fluttershy flipped off the radio, sick of listening to this shit. Get it? "Oh come on," Negro Dash complained in ebonics, "MC Diahrremix is off the chizzain, yo." "Be that as it may," Fluttershy whispered, unable to hide the fact that his black pony music had grown on her, "we're here." "W-hat?" said Negro Dash as he turned his ballcap backwards, revealing the 'W' on the back. "I thought it was going to take four-hundred-eight trillion years to get here." Fluttershy coughed awkwardly into her hoof in a whisper, blush cells filling up her tender lips. "I meant four-hundred-eight trillion minutes," she admitted in a whisper. That was exactly one week, which was the exact amount of time they'd been traveling together. Negro Dash went and looked out the window, seeing Equestria far below them in all it's splendor. "Wowzy houzy, I sure can't wait to get down there and tell all my resisties buddies about my new best gal pal, Fluttershy." "I can't wait to sell this space airplane for legal US currency to help save for retirement," whispered Fluttershy. "Haha, good joke, Flutters. Everypony knows that on Equestria the currency is bits, not legal US dollars. Your whole stash of green paper and Jew gold is next to worthless here." Negro Dash explained. Fluttershy wasn't even close to happy after hearing this, and her eyes began to twitch, not from rage, but because she hadn't blinked in the entire week since they'd begun traveling. It's important to not take your eyes of the road, after all. Especially with all this space traffic. "Pray tell, Negro Dash, how do you know about my stash?" Had Negro not already been profusely sweating, he'd likely have started sweating at that moment, however, it's important to keep in mind that he's always sweating. It's actually really gross and it makes me question why he got hired for this role in the first place. With that in mind, he was sweating very hard as Fluttershy eyeballed him, taking only one eye off the road as it turned and fixed him with a soul-crushing glare. Thankfully, black ponies don't have souls. To tell the truth, he'd already pillaged everything worth taking from the ship, so it was no wonder he'd stollen all her valuables. No black pony worth his salt wouldn't. "Uh, internet," he lied. Thankfully, Fluttershy bought it. Not literally because that would involve spending money, which she isn't wont to do. But in today's economy, can you blame her? "Good, good," Fluttershy nodded while also simultaneously whispering as her eye rolled back into its normal position. "If you had touched my stash I'd be forced to torture you for several days before utterly eradicating you from existence." She'd done it before and she'd do it again. "Hey, let's land over there!" Negro Dash changed the subject, thick globs off green sweat sliding haphazardly down his face. Unfortunately, they'd run out off tissues a while ago. Fluttershy complied, carefully maneuvering the space airplane into a nose dive. "Um, what are you doing?" Negro Dash questioned, being flung from his seat since he wasn't wearing his seat belt. Remember kids, click it, or ticket! It's the law! "Well, I know how to fly space airplanes, but not how to land them," she whispered, sticking her tongue out and bopping herself on the head with a hoof. Thankfully, gravity saved them as it pulled them down to the planets surface. They opened the doors and climbed out, finally being able to breathe again since they'd run out of oxygen days ago. Fluttershy's eyes dilated as harsh, ultraviolet rays poured unfiltered into her retinas, and she turned and was able to actually examine the ship for the first time. It looked like a big, gay donut or something, and was basically trash and a shit design for a ship. On the side in blocky, neon-green letters was the ship's name. "The Friend Ship," Fluttershy read, disgust evident as the tiny fingers in her throat plucked a whisper from her vocal cords. "What a stupid name." "I don't now," Negro Dash felt compelled by some greater force to disagree, "I think it's fitting." "I'll fit you into a ball and fire you from a cannon into the sun," Fluttershy threatened in a harsh whisper before changing the subject completely. "So, where the heck are we going on this dump of a planet." She was still mad that the currency here was objectively shit. I mean, gold coins? The year is 20XX, ponies, get with the program. "Right over there," Negro Dash said, pointing at Rarity's boutique which was no more than a dozen yards away from them. "Wow, that place sure looks chique, unique, and magnique," Fluttershy whispered, those the only words dumb enough that she could think of to describe such a building. Of course, what kind of story would it be without Applejack showing up? "Howdy ya'll," he called as he stepped out of his own space airplane. That's right, Applejack is the best pilot in the entire universe. "Ah reckon ah jus' finished shootin' them ther' womp rats, and also gimme back mah jacket ya'll dirty Negro." Negro Dash laughed, having stolen his leather jacket and I forgot to mention he'd been wearing it the whole time. He's so black, he stole the clothes right off Applejack's back. "Finders keepers," he explained, bringing up the Act VI in the Equestrian Bill of Rights. But Applejack wasn't messin' around. He pulled out his trusty laser boomstick and pointed it right at Negro Dash. "I aint gone ask again, boy." Now even a smelly idiot like Negro Dash knew better than to mess with someone with a laser boomstick, and he quickly relented. "I was just joking, here have your gay jacket." Unfortunately, it already smelled like black pony, so he was just gonna go burn it anyway. Just like Applejack, always keeping the black pony down. "Well boy howdy," Applejack greeted as he turned to Fluttershy. "Good to see another honest-to-Celestia pony round here. Them minorities keep coming up from Celestia-knows-where and mucking up this fine town." Yellow and Orange are basically the same color. "Mah name's Applejack. Ah reckon ya can call me Applejack. Most folks do." "I'm Fluttershy," our protagonist whispered, "my cutie mark is three tiny space airplanes flying in formation, which explains why I can fly space airplanes." Applejack's eyes popped from his skull, did a 360 around Fluttershy, and slid back into their charging slots. Sure enough, Fluttershy had told the truth. "Wow, ah can already tell we's gone get along jus' fine, ya hear?" Fluttershy would be hard-pressed not to hear, since Applejack was yelling, so she nodded her head. Just then, she felt a blade swoosh its way right in between her two of her spinal columns. She turned just in time to see Negro Dash standing behind her as she tipped forward. "Et tu Negro Dash?" She whispered. "The Lannisters send their regards," he said, but then realized he wasn't in THAT kind of crossover. "I mean, that's what you get for tricking me last chapter." And Fluttershy was kill. Rest in R.I.P. To be continued....