Seriously, Why a Trial?
The One and Only Chapter, and This Time I Mean It
It was a bright and sunny day in Equestria, but nobody cared. Everyone took it for granted, that the sun would rise and set.
Ungrateful dicks.
So, yes, it was bright and sunny out, but everyone else was preoccupied. Ponies from everywhere had come to Canterlot to witness what would undoubtedly be the court case of the century. A human, the only human in the whole country, was standing trial for “crimes most foul”. Anon, as he was called, had been in Equestria for years now, and in that time, he had seen and experienced many strange things.
Passive-aggressive flirting from countless mares and several stallions, be they married, single or purportedly grieving the loss of a partner.
Erotic fan-fiction written by countless pseudonyms of ponies he was sure he knew personally, like Applejack or Maud Pie. Some were really easy to decipher: "plowin' fields" or "rock-hard" ain't subtle for shit.
Scandalous artwork in secret basement meetings of all kinds, from the lowest dregs to the highest members of society, depicting him in some of the lewdest acts with ponies. The only reason he knew of those was because police would often raid such dwellings to dispose of the stuff, and always had him show up to make sure it was he who was actually in the artwork.
It always was. It always fucking was.
His crime? In his words, “refusing to fuck a pony”. He had told someone this at a “human appreciation” conference one day that Princess Celestia had more or less forced him to attend.
At the mere mention of this, a horde of cameras had descended upon him, and he found himself tied up by no less than fifteen royal guards, as well as surrounded by countless police and a riot of angry mares.
In all the hubbub, he had been carried off to the highest court of the land.
“All rise for the honorable judge Celestia,” the bailiff announced. Anon hadn’t seen the stallion enter the room, but then again, from what he was wearing, he might have been blending in with the floorboards for a few days now.
Celestia, in all her regal splendor, entered the courtroom to a blare of trumpets of the national anthem. One suddenly went on a tangent and began playing “La Vie En Rose”, but was quickly silenced.
“Please, be seated,” the alicorn said. “Except for you, Anon, remain where you are.”
Considering he was magically no longer wrapped up in ropes, but strapped to a wheeled board and carted around like Hannibal Lecter, all the man could do was remain silent. Hopefully they would take out the ball gag when it was his turn to speak.
“The accused stands accused of most dreadful accusations,” a lawyer said, trotting forward with a large pile of papers, and an apparent love for repeating herself. “First and foremost is his refusal to engage in coitus with many ponies of both genders, regardless of his affiliation with them or those they know.”
At this, the whole courtroom gasped so hard, one of the windows imploded from the sudden vacuum within the building. Several calls of “how awful” and “I can’t believe what I’m hearing” and “what is this world coming to” rang out amidst the sudden chatter.
“Silence!” the bailiff said, doubling as a janitor as he swept the glass into a bin. “There will be order in the court!”
“Secondly,” the lawyer continued, “Anon has left a string of broken hearts behind with these refusals, to the point where many have fallen into depression and suffered under the effects of alcohol and prescription painkillers to ease the ache he left in their hearts and loins. Many of them have refused to be identified, but more than several have come forward to testify.”
“Our first witness is… Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie.”
It was like a scene out of Maury, or maybe Jerry Springer, the whole crowd cheering as the bright pink pony came out on stage, er, into the courtroom, and took her place on the witness stand.
“Miss Pie, have you or have you not known Anon for some time now?”
“Oh, why, yes!” she replied, quite bubbly. “When he first fell out of the sky in the middle of a forest, I found him and brought him to the nearest hospital.”
“And since then, he has repeatedly refused to “fuck you six ways from Sunday”, is that correct?”
“Yes.” The bubbly personality instantly vanished and was replaced by a pair of twitching eyes and spiky mane, almost like a dragon’s spines. “He has denied me the pleasure of his throbbing loins plundering my own! To blast my innards with his potent seed! To fill me up, to make me his personal cum dumpster! His continued denials of my affections… it reeks of HERESY!”
With that, the now-frothing pink pony smashed through the witness stand and hurled herself towards Anon. Thankfully, Celestia was a quick thinker, and a steel cage instantly formed around the now-rabid pony.
“HERESYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” the pony continued to screech as she was dragged off by seven guards wielding cattle prods. However, the pony was not done, as she began trying to escape through any means necessary.
“Ow! She’s biting me!”
“Shoot her! SHOOT HER!!!!!”
*Zapzapzapzap*
*Thud*
A solitary bead of sweat rolled down Anon’s brow.
“Our next witness is Rainbow Dash, whom-,”
“I DON’T WANNA FUCK ANON!”
The voice seemed to descend from the heavens themselves.
“Um…”
“YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON’T WANT HIM TO CUM INSIDE ME, OKAY?!”
“Our next witness is Princess Twilight Sparkle,” the lawyer said quickly, now inexplicably named Regina Bottomfeeder, as her family raised catfish for a living.
The purple pony gently floated through an open window to the new witness stand, courtesy of the bailiff’s superb craftsman skills. That, or they had a spare in the back room.
“Miss Sparkle, is it true that you seek one day to become queen?”
“Why, yes, of course!” Twilight said. “It is only natural for a princess to eventually marry and create a dynasty to rule over the land, especially if they aren’t gifted with seemingly-eternal life.”
Celestia glanced out of the corner of her eye at her pupil. Maybe she shouldn’t have given her that book on Medieval England....
“And, as such, you sought a partner with which to establish this dynasty?”
“Yes, only the most fitting of specimens would be worthy of fathering my foals.”
“What about Flash-,”
“Who?”
“Mr. F-,”
“WHO?" The glare that followed could have frozen fucking ice.
“Nevermind. So, you chose Anon?”
“Yes, of course! He is perfect in every way, even in ways that don’t exist yet. He is the ideal father, fucker, and servant.”
Anon did not know whether to be fully creeped out by this, or creeped out with a mixture of pride and humility. She really thought him to be father material?
He decided on the latter, but only just.
“Um… so, when did he resist you?” The attorney seemed a little uncomfortable, but then again, she had watched Anon’s eyes move around with the room with keen interest. Had he spurned her too? He forgot.
“Every single time!” the purple alicorn shouted, drawing the human’s attention back to the witness stand. “It did not matter the time of day or night, what month, the weather, how many aphrodisiacs I slipped into his morning breakfast, or the number of times I invited him in with nothing on!”
“You don’t wear clothes!” Anon tried to scream, but the ball gag made it sound more like “MMMHHH”.
The princess continued. “I even invited him into my bed the day we met, and his injuries weren’t even that severe. I mean, cracked ribs, a busted jaw, and a sprained ankle shouldn’t keep you from porking a princess, right? Especially if she wants it so bad she can taste it? So what if he had internal bleeding and a concussion? I even drew a diagram to show you how it could have happened…”
Twilight somehow pulled a large pad of paper from behind her wings to show the crowd.
The one sane member of the jury was so horrified by what he saw that he punched himself as hard as he could in the dick, resulting in a pain that transcended space and time. It traveled back to the day he was conceived, and the pain shot into his father’s dick, resulting in him pulling out of his wife at the last second in agony.
The juror pony was thereby erased from existence, quickly fading away before everyone’s eyes.
That is, if anyone had been paying any attention.
“Thank you, princess, that is quite enough,” Ms. Bottomfeeder said, looking up from her mandatory puke pail. “For our next witness, we will require, um… Princess Celestia?”
The judge calmly walked down from her seat and replaced Twilight Sparkle, giving her a wary glare before looking towards Anon and his non-existent defense. The one lawyer who had offered to represent him had been mysteriously attacked by unknown assailants in a pillow factory tour, resulting in severe feather-related trauma.
“Yes?” the elder princess asked.
“When you invited Anon over for an afternoon brunch, did you or did you not intend to have hot, raunchy, bed-crushing sex with him?” Several audience mares fainted at this mental image.
“Why, yes, of course,” Celestia said, sounding rather proud. “It’s hard to resist a body like his.” Not even Celestia was immune to the charms of the human fetish that seemed to plague over half the pony population.
Anon wanted to scream some more, but that fucking ball gag….
He was the only human in Equestria, and the only reason his body looked like that of a fucking Adonis was because Twilight had practiced some spells on him to “aid in his recovery”. He suspected she merely wanted his endurance to be astronomical for when he had sex with her.
Thankfully for him, he hadn’t, but this… obscene amount of muscle along his torso would not go away, no matter how much ice cream he ate. He didn’t mind some muscle, but not this much!
“And, in deciding not to resist his bodacious bod, your attempts to have him fuck you were… unsuccessful?”
“Very,” the princess said. “He was either oblivious to my very obvious yet subtle innuendos, and I kept rubbing up against his leg. It was really quite sad, to see him unable to comprehend what I wanted, and then he ran when I told him flat out. He knocked over three tables, seven guards and one carriage to do so, before he left the city limits.”
“Why did you not chase him?”
“I would not hold him against his will, even if I wished for him to rut me senseless,” the white alicorn said, slowly licking her lips. “However, I wish to drop my charges, as I believe he was fully within his right to run from me. Perhaps…”
“Perhaps?”
“Perhaps if I had taken my time to seduce him, instead of just begging for it like the wanton little slut I secretly am, then maybe things could have turned out differently. I truly do like him, and wish I had not helped things progress this far. Anon… I am sorry.”
Celestia returned to her seat as judge as the prosecutor removed Anon’s ball gag. “Your turn, big boy,” Bottomfeeder whispered, giving his sweaty face a long lick.
The first thing Anon did when he was unbuckled was cover his mouth and scream.
The second thing was roll on the ground, swiping at his face as if it were being stung by bees.
The third thing was stand up, brush himself off, and look back at the audience, who jeered and booed.
"First off, I'm not gay, so that is why I said no to stallions."
Several thoroughly-heterosexual, extremely masculine stallions in the back row ran out of the room, crying. When asked, they would say someone farted really bad.
“Yes, I said I would never fuck a pony,” he continued, only for shouts of “evil” and “that’s not right” and “HERESYYYYYYYYY” to be heard off in the distance.
When the clamor died down to a dull roar, he moved along.
“Where I come from, there are many different translations of the word fuck. For example, some might use the word “fuck” as a derogatory term, where one has sex with someone for no reason other than to have sex, and to be the only one enjoying the act. Others use it to means to initiate meaningless sex, where there is no connection between the “fucker” and the “fuckee”. I do not fuck ponies.”
Using his magically-enhanced body, he did a triple-backflip cartwheel no-scope up onto the judge’s booth, and grabbed Celestia. Amidst cries of panic, he held her close to him, and looked deep into her eyes.
“I would never fuck a pony,” he said, loud enough for everyone else to hear him. “I would, on the other hand, make sweet, sweet love to them.”
The entire courtroom ground to a halt, both verbally and physically. Off in the distance, a shout of “HERESYYYY” was interrupted by what sounded like a lightning bolt striking a piano.
“You see, I only have sex with those I am emotionally connected to, and only if it is okay,” Anon declared. “None of those who sought my body wanted me to connect with you on a deeper level. To an extent, Twilight Sparkle did, but went about it the wrongest way,” he looked over at the purple alicorn, “and yes, I know that’s not a word.”
She closed her mouth.
“Celestia,” he said. “You were the first pony who tried to connect with me on a level beyond mere looks, even if you did try and have sex with me on our fifth meeting ever. So, I am willing to give you a chance.”
The alicorn princess was speechless, but her slowly growing smile warmed the heart of the most evil creature in all of existence.
Off in the distance, Angel Bunny suddenly felt odd.
He turned to the rest of the courtroom. “If you need the princess or me, we will be busy in the back room.”
With that, bridal-style, he carried the judge out of the trial, and locked her personal room’s door behind them.
Fifty minutes later, the court was silent, though the sounds from where Anon had vanished were not. Many mares were currently asking each other how to emotionally connect with someone, and Twilight Sparkle was writing up plans for how to date humans.
“EVERYONE GO HOME!” Celestia shouted, suddenly peeking her head out from the room, causing everyone to jump. Her mane was disheveled to the point where it looked like a sea urchin, and she was drooling, like, seriously drooling. “ANON IS ACQUITTED OF ALL CHARGES, COURT DISMISSED!”
She slammed the door shut and, from the sounds behind it, had barred it with either a piano or another steel cage.