Pinkie and the Bear-Monkey
A wide beam of moonlight broke through Pinkie Pie’s open window. She squealed in excitement, unable to even consider sleep. She was so absolutely, positively, excessively excited, just completely overjoyed in expectation of tomorrow. Tomorrow was the day that Fluttershy would be leaving town, making this a day Pinkie had been waiting for since Fluttershy had told her about it.
Well, Pinkie wasn’t necessarily excited that Fluttershy was leaving, rather, she was excited for what would happen after that. You see, Fluttershy and her parents ran a facility that was a three-way combination of a zoo, an animal-health clinic, and an animal shelter. It was a lot of work, but the family of three did it mostly all themselves. So, when they had to travel out of town for some animal-related event (Pinkie couldn’t even remember why she was leaving, because it wasn’t important), they had next to no one to tend to the animals for them. Fluttershy’s parents were a lot like her: quiet, timid, and not exactly the making-friends type. They had nobody they felt they could trust with their livelihood, save for their daughter. Since Fluttershy also wanted to go, she went into a frenzy, searching for someone that could be trusted to keep the animals fed, safe, and most importantly, contained.
Enter: Pinkie Pie.
Fluttershy’s parents were skeptical, to say the absolute least. They made it their business to screen all of Fluttershy’s friends, and they had been wary of the odd teen since the very beginning. Still, Fluttershy was insistent that Pinkie was perfectly fine, and they eventually allowed the two to be friends. However, trusting Pinkie to not ruin their daughter was a very different thing than to trust her to not ruin their careers. It took days of begging and several Pinkie Promises (which, as Pinkie was quick to point out, is a soul-binding agreement), and even still, Fluttershy’s parents weren’t very sure if it was a good idea.
The clinic was a lot of work, they reminded Fluttershy (she argued that, if anyone could feed that many animals alone, it was Pinkie). It could all go wrong very quickly, they reminded Fluttershy (she argued that Pinkie was excellent at turning a bad situation good). If anything happened to the animals, they’d all be out of a job, and it’d be all her fault, they reminded Fluttershy (strictly speaking, they didn’t actually add that last part, but Fluttershy would only blame herself). Still, Fluttershy was insistent that Pinkie could not only be trusted to do her job properly, but she may even do it well. Well enough to warrant giving her a job at the triple establishment, and finally give her a way to earn some much-needed pocket cash. You’d be surprised (or, if you’ve ever met Pinkie, you wouldn’t be) at how much money that odd girl could spend on candy alone.
When Fluttershy offered, Pinkie graciously and animatedly accepted, and the resulting mini-party made Fluttershy start to rethink her decision. She made sure that Pinkie completely understood the importance of the situation, and, when Fluttershy was positive that there was no room for misunderstanding, scheduled for the two to meet at the clinic the next day. There, Fluttershy would train Pinkie in how to properly care for their many, many animals of varying degrees of exoticness. Pinkie simply couldn’t contain her excitement, thus why she refused to sleep, thus why she drank nearly every drop of coffee in her house, thus why she couldn’t sleep even if she wanted to. Pinkie didn’t need sleep, though.
Caring for Fluttershy’s family’s business would be the most fun thing Pinkie had ever done.
Caring for Fluttershy’s family’s business would be the most boring thing Pinkie had ever done.
Fluttershy, bless her heart, was good at a lot of things. Listening, writing, math, singing, the viola, drawing, crying, and helping other people when they cry, just to name a few. What she was not good at, however, was making the job of caring for north of a hundred animals sound like something other than the most agonizingly boring thing in the world.
Pinkie tried her hardest to focus, she really did. For the first two minutes, Fluttershy had Pinkie’s full attention. However, it was at the five minute point, by the chimpanzee enclosure, when Fluttershy made the fatal mistake of mentioning that chimpanzees ate more than just bananas. At the word “banana”, Pinkie suddenly remembered that her sister had baked a fresh thing of banana bread the night before, and Pinkie began reminiscing fondly of how good it was. So moist and soft, and warming to the soul. Marble sure did know her way around an oven.
Then, by the fifteen minute point, Pinkie remembered that she was supposed to be listening, and tried to tune back in. But, now, Fluttershy was going on about snakes, and that couldn’t be right. They were just talking about monkeys a moment ago. It was like watching a movie, leaving to go get popcorn, and coming back to see a main character dead. How did it all happen?
“We don’t have any venomous breeds here,” explained Fluttershy. “But we do have a few constrictors that could crush you to death, so please, be careful.”
Okay, it was all fun and games when there was banana bread and dead movie characters. Now, Pinkie had to focus. Failure to do so could result in her death, or worse, Fluttershy’s parents scolding them both. Time to pay attention.
Pinkie wondered how something so slippery looking could possibly wrap itself around her to crush her.
“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, it’s really common knowledge by this point,” droned Fluttershy. “But snakes aren’t slippery or slimy at all. They’re actually quite dry, kinda rough, actually.”
That’s how.
Pinkie resolved herself to focus from that point on. She was trustworthy. She had to be, or else she’d be breaking her Pinkie Promise, and there was scarcely a person who took Pinkie Promises more seriously than Pinkie herself. Pinkie Pie would never be able to forgive herself if she did anything to endanger any of Fluttershy’s precious animals. This was equal parts her being a good friend and her being utterly terrified of the consequences (she once sat on Angel Bunny by mistake, and Fluttershy was preparing for fisticuffs).
“Here, we have our tortoises,” said Fluttershy, pointing down to the little enclosure. “You don’t have to do much for them, just make sure they’re fed and none have made a break for it.”
“Bwaha! Good one, Fluttershy!” laughed Pinkie. Fluttershy tilted her head in confusion.
“What’s so funny?” she asked. “Runaway tortoises are no laughing matter. Sure, people joke that they’re slow, but I’ve seen Jessie here hit a speed of 2 feet per second!”
“Fluttershy, that’s like a mile and a half per hour.”
“And, if you’re gone someplace else for an hour, she could be long gone,” said Fluttershy. “Moving on, we have our turtle enclosure-”
“Didn’t we just do turtles?” asked Pinkie.
“No, we we went over tortoises,” Fluttershy corrected her. Pinkie shrugged in slight bewilderment.
“Aren’t they the same thing?” she asked. “Potato, tomato, am I right?”
“Um… Well, no… For one, turtles swim…” said Fluttershy, pointing to the submerged turtle area. “Tortoises don't. Oh, that reminds me, you have to be absolutely certain that you don't feed the turtles the food for the tortoises. It upsets their stomach. But, if you really need to, you can feed the tortoises food for the turtles. They seem to like it.”
“I think I can remember that,” said Pinkie confidently. “I just made up a mnemonic device. DFTTFBYCFTTF!”
“Uh… What?”
“Don't Feed Turtles Tortoise Food But You Can Feed Tortoises Turtle Food!” said Pinkie, as if it was obvious. “Duh.”
“Well… If you’re sure you can remember…” Fluttershy shrugged. “I think now might be a good time to answer some questions.”
Pinkie raised her hand.
“Pinkie?”
“So… Are we almost done?” asked Pinkie. “We’ve been going over this stuff for, like, an hour!”
“Pinkie, you’ve only been here for fifteen minutes,” Fluttershy pointed out.
“Oh.”
“Well, we’re almost a quarter of the way done, anyway,” said Fluttershy. Pinkie nearly jumped for joy. “I think it’ll probably take us another hour or two.”
It was so much easier not to pay attention after that.
Fluttershy and Pinkie went through all the ins and outs, and it actually wasn’t all that bad. Pinkie managed to hear and comprehend some of what Fluttershy had said, which is a big improvement in and of itself. Pinkie learned some things, like it was always a bad idea to pet a porcupine, and that platypuses are not to be trusted, despite their cute and funny-looking appearance. Due to the absurd questions Pinkie asked (“How much cheese do you think is too much for the eagles?”) and the length of time it took Fluttershy to come up with a decent answer made the whole process take about an hour longer than it should’ve. They did finish eventually, and Fluttershy was quite sure that Pinkie could handle this.
“I think that’s everything,” said Fluttershy. They were near the back of the facility, in front of the alligator tank (Fluttershy was positive that Pinkie could handle a couple of alligators, toothed or not).
“What about that guy?” asked Pinkie, pointing to a small enclosed area to her right. There was a bunch of tree branches, with some sort of fruit or berries growing on them. Hanging from one of the branches, entirely motionless, was some sort of bear. He was small, small enough that Pinkie reasoned that she could lift him without really trying.
“Oh, you mean Steven? Don't worry about him,” said Fluttershy dismissively. “He’ll be able to take care of himself, and it's impossible for him to escape.”
Pinkie nodded, leaning ever closer to the strange animal. Something about Steven just called to her, inciting both her curiosity and her pity. He seemed so tired.
“What is he?” asked Pinkie in wonder. “He looks like some sort of Bear-Monkey. Is he a Bear-Monkey? Are Bear-Monkeys real?” Pinkie giggled softly. “I really like saying Bear-Monkey. Bear-Monkey, Bear-Monkey, Bear-Monkey!”
“Pinkie, that's a sloth,” said Fluttershy. “Sloths are-”
That's when Pinkie officially clocked out of listening in favor of repeating the word “Bear-Monkey” over and over in her head. For whatever reason, the word “sloth” couldn't really compare with “Bear-Monkey”. Pinkie still wasn't positive as to what a sloth was, but she was quite sure that she liked them. It was a shame that Steven was so tired; he might've been a lot of fun.
“He looks like he could use a cup of coffee,” noted Pinkie. This time, Fluttershy giggled.
“That's funny, Pinkie. He’d probably like that a lot,” chuckled Fluttershy. Apparently, she had forgotten who she was dealing with, because while she was joking, Pinkie Pie was a hundred percent dead serious. Unfortunately for Fluttershy (and, by extension, Steven the Sloth and all of Canterlot City), Pinkie thought that the seriousness of her statement was understood and shared. Also unfortunate was the Pinkie Promise that she made to herself in that moment to give Steven the Bear-Monkey what he so desperately “needed”. Perhaps the most tragic thing was that, having gone over all she needed to go over, Fluttershy went home to start packing, allowing Pinkie free to formulate what she considered to be the greatest plan ever conceived by a human brain.
The ramifications of this plan, and all subsequent plans, would be felt for weeks, or even months after the fact.
Pinkie did about 90% of her job perfectly. Despite having heard less than half of what Fluttershy had said (and understanding even less), Pinkie managed to do everything properly. All of the animals were fed the proper food, nobody escaped, and Pinkie managed not to be crushed to death by a massive boa constrictor (though she did come rather close). If she had only stopped there, heeded Fluttershy’s parting advice in regard to Steven, she would’ve been perfectly fine.
But a Pinkie Promise was a binding contract, and not a thing to be taken lightly.
Pinkie carried a cup of strong black coffee to the last of the animal enclosures, the one containing Steven the Bear-Monkey. It seemed like he hadn’t moved since Pinkie departed. He needed a pick-me-up more than Pinkie thought.
“Don’t worry, little buddy!” said Pinkie brightly. “Mama Pinkie’s got what you need!” She balanced the mug on her head then jumped the fence, somehow managing not to spill a single drop of the drink. She ran across the grass to his branch (still not spilling the full cup) and lifted the little guy from his tree.
“Here you go!” She brought the mug to his lips, and Steven refused it. Pinkie looked at the mug questioningly. “Oh! Duh!”
She placed the mug back on top of her head. The coffee sank into the endless pink abyss and returned, significantly cooler than before. This time, when she offered Steven the coffee, he slowly opened his mouth and allowed Pinkie to pour the warm black liquid down his throat.
Nothing happened. Any sensible person would, by this point, conclude that coffee had no effect on sloths. They would then shrug their shoulders, put the sloth down, and continued on with their day.
Pinkie Pie incorrectly concluded that the answer to her problem was to feed the Bear-Monkey more coffee. Trouble was, her house was all out of coffee, with the very last cup being given to Steven (Limestone was very annoyed when she found out). Pinkie then went to the only other place she could think of to find what she needed.
It wasn’t hard breaking into Canterlot High School. All Pinkie had to do was crawl through a little hole she cut in the fence and waltz right in. From there, she infiltrated the teacher’s lounge, “borrowed” all of the coffee, and returned to Steven. After chugging what Pinkie had given him, which was easily a gallon, the Bear-Monkey still had no reaction. So, Pinkie called in the big guns: Maud.
Maud Pie was the eldest daughter of the Pie clan, and was currently in her third year of college. Pinkie was her favorite sister and, despite her apparent inability to show it, she was always excited to speak to her. So, as animatedly as physically possible for her, she answered the phone and chatted with her sister. She was absolutely positive that Pinkie would say something absurd, over-the-top, just downright outrageous that only Pinkie could come up with.
That said, she was still surprised when Pinkie asked for what she did.
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” said Maud dryly. “Pinkie, are you sure this is a good idea? What could you possibly-”
“No time to explain!” said Pinkie. “Work needs to be done! See ya soon, sis!”
Pinkie hung up her cell phone and quickly got to work. The amount of things that Pinkie would need to get done was so absurd that it was literally impossible for any single person to do even half of it in a day, let alone twenty minutes.
Any person but Pinkie, that is, who got it all done in fifteen minutes, leaving her just enough time to spend some time with Steven the Bear-Monkey. They had a great bit of fun climbing in his tree, which seemed to be the only thing Steven was currently able and willing to do. Pinkie would’ve been willing to play with him all day, and only pulled herself away when she heard the beeping of Maud’s borrowed truck.
It wasn’t easy, but Pinkie managed to guide Maud in backing up a massive cement mixer truck into the facility. As soon as it was in park, Maud hopped out of the truck and, once Pinkie was done crushing her spine in a hug, took a look around. Pinkie had, for reasons best known by herself, assembled roughly a hundred or so pounds of coffee, and close to two thousand gallon jugs of water. Maud was curious, and slightly concerned.
“Hiya, sis! How’s school?!” asked Pinkie excitedly.
“School is fine. I’ve never been happier,” said Maud, with equal parts blandness and sincerity.
“How’s Brock?” Pinkie asked, in reference to Maud’s boyfriend. He was a construction worker, and the actual owner of the cement mixer.
“He’s fine. He would like to meet you and the sisters soon,” droned Maud. “Pinkie, why did you have me bring the truck? What do you plan to do with all this coffee?” She blinked twice, then took another look at the absurd amount of stuff surrounding her. “How did you even afford all of this?”
“Gotta make coffee, gotta make coffee, and Ma and Pa’s credit card,” answered Pinkie. She didn’t wait for Maud to help her or ask any more questions; Pinkie just scooped up as many bags of coffee as she could, scurried up the ladder attached to the side of the cement truck, and started dumping them into the giant, improvised coffee pot.
“I don’t think this truck was made for anything except concrete,” noted Maud. Still, she couldn’t really say “no” to Pinkie, and she passed her bag after bag of coffee.
“Well, of course it wasn’t, silly! No sane person would ever need this much coffee!” said Pinkie. “But this isn’t for a sane person, or even a person at all!”
“Who is it for?” asked Maud. Pinkie pointed to tree, where Steven still lay in rest.
“My new Bear-Monkey friend!”
“Pinkie, that’s a sloth.”
Pinkie nodded, despite still not knowing exactly what a sloth was. It didn’t really matter; she was almost finished, anyway. Once all the coffee was dumped, Pinkie made quick work of the water, dumping in all 2,018 gallons into the mix in just under fifteen minutes. She wiped the sweat from her brow before grinning and giving Maud a thumbs-up.
“Alright, turn it on!” commanded Pinkie. Maud blinked slowly at her sister, then made her way to the driver’s seat. She turned on the truck and pulled down on a lever, which caused the drum of the mixer to slowly rotate.
“Pinkie, there’s no heat,” said Maud.
Slowly, out of her hair, Pinkie pulled a box of matches.
“I don’t think that’s going to be enough.”
Slowly, out of her hair, Pinkie pulled a handful of orange-brown dust.
“Is that thermite?” asked Maud. Pinkie nodded. “Where did you find thermite?”
“I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy…” Anyone but Maud would’ve stopped Pinkie by the third guy, but she let her sister continue for several minutes. “Who knows a guy who knows a guy who’s locked up for making a bomb, and he had some left-over thermite, so that guy sent it to his guy who sent it to his guy who sent it to his guy who sent it to his guy who sent it to my guy who sent it to me. Only cost Ma and Pa $200!”
Pinkie took the thermite and tossed it into the drum along with the mixing coffee. Then she pulled out another handful from her hair. Then another. And another. And finally one more, before striking up a match.
“So… I don’t actually know what thermite does,” said Pinkie. “You know about chemistry and stuff, what is this?”
“Thermite is a pyrotechnic composition of metal powder fuel and metal oxide,” said Maud, with about as much energy as the rocks she studied. “When ignited by heat, thermite undergoes an exothermic reduction-oxidation reaction. While not explosive, most varieties create brief bursts of high temperature in a small area. A small handful can burn at 5,000 degrees for several seconds.”
“That’s awesome!” squealed Pinkie. She lit five more matches and chucked them all in. A great burst of sparks shot out the top of the drum, continuously pouring out heat. Pinkie grinned in satisfaction, a grin that persisted for several seconds. Until she noticed that, a few feet away from the truck with their suitcases dropped in shock, was Fluttershy and her parents.
Then, her grin grew even bigger.
“P-pinkie…?” Fluttershy spared a glance at her mother and father, both of whom were without words.
“Hiya, Shy! Mr. and Mrs Shy!” said Pinkie brightly. “You guys are home early!”
“Pinkie, what did you do?!”
“I fed all the animals, cleaned the enclosures, scrubbed the turtles’ shells…” listed Pinkie. “Cleaned the bird cages, preened their feathers, restocked the pellets for the petting zoo, reprinted the programs, cleaned those weird stains off of the main map, and…” She tapped her chin in thought. “Uh… That’s it, I think.” Then, a stray spark landed on her hair, igniting her pink poof. “Oh, right! I made some coffee for Steven!”
“Fluttershy?” said her father uneasily. “I think we need to have a serious talk about your friends.”
“How much coffee is that?” asked Fluttershy nervously.
“That depends. How much coffee is normally in Canterlot City?” asked Pinkie. Fluttershy looked to her parents, then to Pinkie, then back to her parents. The three had a mental family meeting, and they all came to the same conclusion.
“Pinkie, you’re fired,” said Fluttershy.
It was an obvious decision, really.