Caught Red-Hoofed
Today is the day.
Nightmare Night has passed.
November is here.
Do you know what that means? No?
Let me enlighten you, darling.
Every year, without fail, the silly costumes are put away and the candy is put on sale. Tacky oranges and too-sparkly blacks disappear. In their place the next morning are bright, cheery greens and reds and whites. Little red hats with puffy white fur and green jackets with golden bells become the season’s fashion statement.
Christmas is here.
Now, do you know what that means?
How do you not!?
It means miles and miles of red and white stripes. Not fabric, mind you, but rows upon rows of the most beautiful things you can imagine. Simply divine! Gorgeous little spindles of sugar and mint pop up everywhere like weeds, crowding shelves with their sheer glory.
Oh how I cannot wait to get my hooves on one—peeling away the plastic ever so carefully as to not break the fragile cane. The first taste of peppermint in ten months, tantalizing and ever so cool on the tongue, is more precious than even the most beautiful of winter fashion lines. The long wait is more than worth it when you can crunch into the first candy cane of the year. Shatter it, thousands of little pieces filling your mouth with minty goodness, sticking to molars and coating your tongue in sugar. Left behind is a pleasant frostiness that melts away all too quickly. You crave again in moments, but the second one is for savoring.
You unwrap another one tenderly, as if it is a young foal swaddled. This time, you make it last. Let it dissolve slowly in your mouth. Lave it over with a reverence reserved only for this moment. It slowly whittles down into a point, further and further, to the bend in the cane. Now you plop the whole thing in your mouth, letting it melt away with the softest of goodbyes as you feel it resolve.
You’ve waited so long, and you deserve this. Shed an extra ten pounds in the fall, just to make sure there’s enough room to keep up appearances while still getting to have it. All that work, trotting three miles a day, just so you can stir your morning tea with these little delicacies. And your afternoon tea. Bedtime tea, too. Oh, it is more than glorious, beyond the beauty of all else.
But the shops only have them for two months. Therein lays the problem. How can you make it last? Ten months is a long wait for something so crave-able. You must make the deliciousness last. Neither through rationing and careful planning, nor through sweeping up all of the extras once the season is over.
Oh, no. There is a MUCH better way, darling.
“Woah, Pinkie, slow down!” Twilight barely makes it out of the way of an agitated Pinkie Pie, who shoved her way through the castle door before it was even open. “What’s wrong?”
The party pony has big, watery eyes and a pout on her lip. “I can’t find them anywhere, Twilight! Not at Hoofgreen’s, Ponix, Equimart, anywhere! Not even Red Holly’s Hollyday Market!” She tugs at her mane wildly, bouncing back and forth on her hind legs, a veritable whirlwind of pink. “How am I supposed to make Pinkie’s Signature Red and Whites without them!? It’s a catastrophe! An absolute disaster! The worst thing EVER!”
Exchanging raised eyebrows with Spike, Twilight freezes Pinkie mid-air with her magic, lowering her to the ground before her fitful hopping can destroy anything in the front hall. “What are you talking about, Pinkie? Red and Whites?”
Pinkie lights up. “My Red and Whites are the Christmas seasonal cupcakes for the bakery! Candy cane cupcakes—they’re so minty delicious!” Her face turns from bright eyes and smiles to tears and frowns again. “But I can’t make candy cane cupcakes without the candy canes, Twilight, don’t you understand!?” Pinkie grabs Twilight by the shoulders, shaking the bits out of her.
Disentangling herself from Pinkie, Twilight facehoofs. "Have they even put out Christmas decorations yet? Nightmare Night was just yesterday.”
"Of course they have! Everything was there—just no candy canes anywhere! I even asked one of the store clerks if they had them, and he said that somepony came in earlier today all cloaked up and bought every. Single. Last. One! Can you believe that?” Pinkie’s eyes go wide and her jaw nearly hits the floor. “What if this mysterious pony bought all of the candy canes in Ponyville!? How am I ever going to make my cupcakes!? What if—“
Twilight looks over at Spike, obviously unamused by their friend’s plight. “Do you know where we can get candy canes? I need Pinkie out of my mane so I can get my studies done for Princess Celestia’s next test.”
“—and then the bakery might go under and—“
Spike taps his chin. “Let’s see, she’s already checked Ponix, Equimart, and Hoofgreen’s… What about PVS, on the edge of town?”
“—what if the Cakes don’t have anywhere to go—“
“Good idea, Spike.”
“—I’d lose my job—“
“Thanks.”
“—oh, Twilight, what am I gonna do!?” Pinkie wails, about to start bawling when Twilight clamps a hoof over her mouth.
“Calm down, Pinkie!" She tries.
Slapping Twilight's hoof away, Pinkie gapes. "Calm? CALM!? How am I supposed to be calm in a world WITHOUT CANDY CANES!?"
Twilight snorts. "Have you checked PVS?"
The waterworks stop momentarily, and Pinkie scratches her head. "No...?"
"Then, let's go."
After thirty minutes of searching the holiday aisles and getting the same response from the PVS cashier pony that Pinkie got earlier, the three were stumped.
“Why would anypony buy all of the candy canes in town?” Twilight mused. “It just doesn’t make any sense. What could you possibly want with so many candy canes?”
Pinkie trudges alongside her friend, head hung low. “That’s it—I’ll never be able to make the Red and Whites. I hope that bucking somepony is happy! They’ve officially ruined Christmas. The season cheer is over, and it’s not even December yet!” Something crunches under her hoof and she almost kicks it away when it catches her eye. “Hey, what’s this?” A small plastic wrapper, turned inside out but still vaguely cane shaped, lays crumpled on the ground.
Scooping it up, Twilight sniffs at the wrapper. “It’s a candy cane wrapper! Somepony’s been eating candy canes.”
Perking up a bit, Pinkie darts forward suddenly to point at another wrapper left carelessly on the ground. “Here’s another one! And another... And another! Looks like somepony left a trail for us to follow… Come on, Twilight!!”
Wrapper after wrapper leads them around Ponyville, down all of the least traveled paths, and all the way to…. Carousel Boutique?
A knock on the door of her boutique snaps Rarity out of her reverie, literally rolling around in boxes of candy canes. “We’re closed for the day!” She shouts at the disturbance.
There’s more knocking and a muffled voice. “Rarity! It’s Twilight. We need to ask you something!”
Jumping up out of her pile of candy canes, Rarity hastily gathers them all up with her magic, shoving them into a closet and slamming the door. “Just a moment! Let me make myself presentable, darling.” She magicks a broom and dust pan over to sweep up all of the wrappers strewn everywhere, dumping them in the trash can in another room, away from prying eyes.
When she finally opens the door, Pinkie is inside before she can even say hello. “We’re looking for a candy cane thief, and a trail of wrappers led us right to your door!”
Rarity laughs, trying to hide her nerves. “How silly, darling. Well, I haven’t got any candy canes, I’m afraid.”
“I can smell your lies!” Pinkie marches up to Rarity, her eyes narrowed and their snouts touching. “I’m so close that I can TASTE the candy canes! Where are they!?”
Rarity takes a step back. “I simply have no idea what you’re talking about, dear.”
Skirting the edges of the front room, Twilight opens the door to the bathroom; no candy canes. The vanity; no candy canes. The changing rooms; no candy canes. The office; no candy canes. The kitchen; no candy canes. About to give up and go upstairs to check the house, she notices a closet door in the back. Testing the handle, the door doesn’t give. “Rarity, what’s back here?”
Flipping her mane nonchalantly, Rarity gives her friend a weak smile. “Just some of last year’s fashions, darling, all old and past their prime.”
Twilight frowns. Rarity never keeps any of her old styles once the season passes, especially not locked up in a dusty little closet. Pulling on the handle again, she takes a startled step back when the door creaks, swinging open on the hinges to let loose a wave of candy cane boxes. The boxes tumble over Twilight and out onto the floor, an impossible amount spilling out of the tiny closet and all over the boutique.
“I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW it!” Pinkie shrieks, running over to scoop up as many boxes as she can. “Hahaha! NO ONE can hide candy from Pinkie Pie!” She sprints out the door on her hind hooves, presumably to go start her cupcakes.
Bursting out from underneath the sea of red and white, Twilight gawks at the sheer amount of candy the unicorn had managed to procure.
“Rarity, why do you need all these candy canes? This is ridiculous!”
Picking up a candy cane, Rarity unwraps it and licks up the stem in one smooth, slightly sensual motion. “Oh, Twlight, who doesn't like their stocking stuffed?"
(Twilight will never look at candy canes the same way again.)