> The Equestrian Refugees
>  by InspectorSharpWit
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Prologue
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Hurry! They're gaining on us!!!" Cried the Doctor to the two ponies runing beside him.
"Halt!!!" Bellowed the Royal Guard Commander. "You three are enemies of the State! In the Name of Emperor Blueblood, you are to be arrested and executed for your acts of rebellion!"
"Yeah, THAT'LL get us to stop!" snaps Rainbow Dash. "Where's that stupid machine of yours, Doc!"
"Right around the corner, Rainbow!" assures the Doctor. "Mac, can you stall the guards for a moment?"
"Eeyup!" bellowed the farm-pony. He deliberately kicks over a cart, which knocked over a statue, which buried the guards in the marble rubbage.
All three escapees pause for a moment, catching their breaths. "Well... That worked out well..." gasped the Doctor. He notices both Mac's and Rainbow's stiff gazes. "What's wrong with you lot?"
"Gone..." chokes the rainbow pegasus. "All gone..."
The Doctor turned to see what Dash was referring to: The once beautiful town of Ponyville had been reduced to rubbish. Guards were marching around town by the dozens, making sure that the town had been completely evacuated. Looters were ransacking houses of anything not bolted to the ground, and the twin statues of the Princesses Celestia and Luna were being desecrated. Anything already robbed of all valuables were quickly burned down. It was a sad sight for any Ponyville native to see such a fair town being treated as  such.
The Doctor felt a horrible surge of nostalgia: This was how it ended for his home as well. Sighing, he gently nudged Rainbow Dash out of her horrified trance. "We can make this all better soon." he promises. "We just need to-"
"Doc! They're comin' back!" warns Big Mackintosh. Sure enough, the Guards had sent reinforcements, and they were quickly gaining on them.
The timelord leaps up. "I'll hold them off! You two, go to the TARDIS and tell the Princesses to start it up!" He throws Mackintosh the Sonic Screwdriver. "Mackintosh, give this to Derpy. Tell her I'll be alright."
While Mackintosh nods in determination, Rainbow Dash looks alarmed. "But- but how will YOU get out of here?!"
A shadow of the Doctor's old, cocky grin slides onto his face. "I'm the Doctor. Simple as that. Now you lot, run! ALLONS-Y!!"
Both of the ponies nodded and ran, leaving the Doctor alone with the upcoming stampede of Guards. After a quick turn, a blue telephone box came into vision. With one last leap, Rainbow Dash flew up, and burst in.
Inside the seemingly small vessel, a large crowd of Equestrians, pony or otherwise, had gathered in quite comfortably, though very scared. These were the remaining supporters of the Royal Sisters: Zecora, the Cakes, the Apples (Ponyville branch), Braeburn, Snips,  Snails, the Donkeys, Trixie, Soarin, Spitfire, Nurse Redheart, Cheerilee, Gilda, Lyra, Bon-Bon, Octavia, Vinyl Scratch, Chief Thunderhooves, Little Strongheart, the other two Whooves, Aloe and Lotus, Spike, Scootaloo, Sweetie Bell, Shining Armor, Princess Cadence and of course, the Elements of Harmony. At the controls were the two royal princesses themselves, Princesses Celesita and Luna.
"Where's the Doctor?" asked Derpy anxiously.
Big Mac came over and gave her the sonic. "He told us to give y'all this..." he explained. "And that'd he'd be alright..."
For some reason, Derpy cheers up, suprising the work stallion. "Oh, ok! I'm sure he'll be fine!"
Princess Celestia wasn't so sure. "But he could be in danger! We can't afford to lose him!"
"And we can't afford to lose the TARDIS to those scoundrels!" cries Princess Luna. "Sister, we must trust him to be safe! Hasn't our encounters with the Doctor taught you anything about him?"
Celestia sighed. "Very well... Derpy, proceed with the plan!"
Derpy nods and began to press multiple buttons on the control panel. Suddenly, a VWROP, VWROP over took the room, sending the lights into a frenzy. A large bar in the center of the console begins to gyrate up and down, and the room starts shaking thunderously.
"WEEEE!!! It's like a rave!!!" cheered Pinkie Pie.
Suddenly, a choking sound comes from the depths of the TARDIS. Everypony begins to panic, while Derpy Whooves only seems mildly supervised. "Oh, darn!" she pouts. "We're out of power!"
"I don't suppose my double A's will help at all?" asked Scootaloo sarcastically.
"Not unless you've got 265 of them!" the gray mare answers back, apparently not at all concerned.
"No time for that!" declares Celestia. "Sister, aid me with your magic!"
The two Sisters concentrate all their magic into their horns, causing a great white beam to hit the TARDIS console. Suddenly, the center of the TARDIS, normally a lime green, glows a bloody red color. This DOES worry Derpy, causing her to punch buttons even more frantically. "NO!" she cries "THE TARDIS CAN'T HANDEL THIS MUCH-"
The very essence of the room begins to warp and twist. The passengers screamed in fear as reality itself blended, teared and churn. 
"POWER!!!" finished Derpy, and then everything went black.





"No... WAY!!!" I cry, looking at my computer screen again, just to make sure. But there it was, shining clear as day on my laptop screen:
To Espinosa, Sebastian:
Someone has applied to be your roommate. Shy, Flutter has shown interest in your apartment. She will be coming by for an interview on July 19th, 2020, a week from today.
Sincerely,
Sunny Stables Managment 
After reading the email for the billionth time, I finally let my emotions loose. "OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah, I'm a fag.
Deal with it
Speaking of which, I should probably introduce myself: My name is Sebastian Espinosa, age 22. I live in the Sunny Stables Apartment Complex in Atlanta, Georgia. I work as a lawyer and an amateur detective, but obviously, that's not why I'm making this. You see... I just met the human incarnation of my favorite character. EVER.
July 19th finally came, and my apartment was in perfect condition: Clean carpet, clean ferret cage, fully stocked fridge, the works. Around 2pm, I heard the noise that had gotten me into such a frenzy in the first place: A small, timid knock on the doorway.
There she was, just as i had imagined her as a teen: A slender, pink haired girl with a sweet, shy face, a pale complexion, and eyes of sky blue. She was even wearing her colors: a yellow tunic with a light pink trimming. "Hi, I'm Fluttershy..." she murmurers, avoiding my gaze.
> Chapter The First
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Hiya there, Fluttershy! The email told me you'd be here! Come on in!" I grin.
She mummers a quiet thank you before stepping in, and I commenced the tour of the apartment. She began to loosen up when I got her to the kitchen, and by the time i showed her her future bedroom, a soft smile began to light up her face. When the tour ended, I offered her something to drink, which she gladly accepted.
"I hope you don't mind, but I don't keep alcohol in the house, as i don't drink much." I tell her as i reach in the cupboard for a glass.
"That's fine..." she responds. "Neither do I... I'll just get have some water... if you don't mind..."
"Hey, you're the guest!" With a sweeping motion, i get two glasses, each filled with water, and carry them onto the table. Giving her one of the cups, I sit down across from her. "Well, I suppose I should tell you that I keep animals in the apartment... I hope that's ok with you..."
The reaction was predictable, but none the less adorable: "No, that's great!' she says a little too loudly. Blushing from embarrassment, she lowers her gaze to the table. "I really love animals... I used to take care of a lot of them... back at home..." She got a sad, faraway look in her eye, and for the first time, it hit me: She didn't want to be here, did she?
"Are you alright?" I ask gently. 
She sighs and looks up. "Yes... I'm fine... I didn't mean to bother you..."
"Not at all! Hey, would you like to see him? My pet I mean?"
Her eyes brighten and a smile grows on her face. "Yes, please. If it's not to much trouble..."
I go to my room and reach into the ferret cage to fish out my albino ferret, Hermes. Noticing the disgruntled look on his face (he's a bit of an introvert), I try to calm him down. "Hey, your going to really like Fluttershy, ok?" I whisper urgently. With the grumpy ferret in my arms, I head for the kitchen to show the shy girl.
The look on her face was enough to melt anyone's heart: A smile of childish wonder and joy spread across her face, and her eyes took an automatic maternal glow. "Aww, he's so cute!" she squealed, reaching her arms out to take the ferret. "What's his name?"
"Hermes." I smile, taking in her happiness. Hermes, in the meanwhile, had fallen in love with Fluttershy: He was chattering excitedly, and he rubbed himself against her face in the same way a cat would. "Do most animals do this around you?" I chuckle.
She giggles as Hermes climbs up her arm and settles himself on her shoulder. "Only a few rabbits..." she admits shyly. "And maybe some ducklings... and this one seal... oh, and those bears..."
"Are guys as attracted to you?" I blurt out.
Mr. Face? Meet Mr. Palm.
She blushes a deep red, but answers my question. "I-I-I'm dating someone right now..." she stammers. "I mean, you're really nice and all, but we've only just met... Not that that's bad! It's just, I mean, i really care about him, and- and we've put a lot of time into this, and-"
I just burst out laughing at her nervousness. "I get it, I get it! It was just a question!"
She breaths out a sigh of relief. "Oh good... I didn't want my new friend to be mad at me already..."
I turn to look at her. "Friend?" I ask dumbly.
"Is that bad?" she says uncertainly. "I'm sorry..."
"No no! I'm just... surprised... I mean, this is great!"
She smiles. "Good. I think I'm really going to like it here..."
"So, you're moving in?"
What my brain was screaming out to me: "No shit, Sherlock?!"
She nods, still smiling. "I'll be here next Friday."
"Excellent!" I grin. Looking at the stove clock, I notice nearly two hours had passed. "Hey, isn't it about time for you to go?"
Looking at her own watch, she gasps in surprise. "Oh no! My friends are waiting for me downstairs!"
I do yet another double take. "Friends?"
She nods. "Oh yes, my friends and I are all moving into this building. I really think you'll like them... Maybe you can meet them on moving day? If it's alright with you?"
I laugh, leading her to the door. "I can't wait till Friday! I'll see you then!"
She smiles, and unexpectedly gives me a hug. "Goodbye!" she says, and rushes out the door.
I stand outside the apartment for a minute before calling "Are you going to give me back my ferret?"
She blushes and runs back to me, handing me a very reluctant Hermes. "Ohmygosh, I am sooo, sorry!" she cries.
I just chuckle. "No problem. See you Friday!"
She nods, and runs back down the hall, out of sight. I chuckle a little before taking Hermes back to my room. "So you liked her, huh Hermes?" I murmur to the ferret. "I liked her too... And I bet you we're going to like her friends too... But why are they here? Shouldn't they be in Equestria? What happened there?" I pause before bringing him up to my face. "Why am I even talking to you? Oh, whatever. I guess we'll just find out Friday, won't we, buddy?"
Hermes chattered plaintively, as if asking me to put him back in his cage.
"... You know, it sucks to talk to you!" I chuckle as I stuff the albino ferret back into his habitat.
> Chapter The Second
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Second or “The Point Where A Good Majority of Bronies Would Squee” 


Have you ever gotten the feeling that you were almost laughably under-qualified for a relatively easy task? That’s how I felt the majority of the week preparing for Fluttershy to move in. I mean, how often do one’s childhood memories come back to live with him? 
Without the help of hallucinogens, that is. 
Anyway, after cleaning the house for the umpteenth time, I decide to do what I probably should have done in the first place: watch ponies. Digging out my old high school flash-drive, I watched the first episodes of the show I had seen in years. 
And you know what? 
I loved every second of it. 
After all these years the humor still hit home, the characters were still relatable and the show was still brilliant. Closing my laptop with a smile on my face; I went to bed knowing that everything would turn out ok or, at least, as ok as is humanly possible. 
Finally, Friday arrived and I had everything ready for my new roommate. Practically skipping down the lobby; I hum a few chords of “Smile, Smile, Smile”- 
CRASH!!!! 
-and crash right into a massive collection of boxes. 
“Hey! Why don’t you watch where you’re going, weirdo?!” 
A massive collection of boxes with an attitude, apparently. 
A green haired teenager pops out from the pile, obviously annoyed. “Oh, great, Twilight’s gonna KILL me!” he groans. 
I just stare at him for a little while before grabbing him in a bear hug. “OHMYGOD, YOUDOEXIST!!!!! HOWILOVEYOU, YOUSURLY, LITTLE, LIZARDTHING!!!!!” I cackle as I noogie the poor kid. 
“What’s your deal, man?!” he yelps in surprise. “TWI?! This freak’s giving me a random hug!!” 
“Sebastian?” squeaks out a familiar voice. I turn to see Fluttershy, obviously terrified for her life (as well she should be). 
I give her a wild grin and shake her by her shoulders. “CANYOUBELIEVETHIS, FLUTTERSHY?! THEYDOEXIST!!!!!” 
“Well yes, they are my friends…” the poor girl whimpers; dangling helplessly in my grasp. 
“IKNOW!!!!” I laugh hysterically. 
“Uh, guys? Is there something wrong?” asks another familiar voice, this one more confused than scared. A tan, bookish girl in a purple t-shirt shows up, holding a stack of books in her hands. A head full of purple, complete with a streak of hot pink, indicates who she is. 
“OHMYGOD, TWILIGHTSPARKLE!!!! YOU’RETWILIGHTSPARKLEANDYOU’REHUMANANDYOU’REREALANDTHISISREALLYHAPPENING!!!!” I cry as I let Fluttershy fall and I hug Twilight instead. 
She is, of course, completely baffled. “Fluttershy, do you know this guy?” she asks tentatively. 
“...He’s my roommate.” she admits meekly. 
“Ooh, is this a party? Can I join?” A cheerful, pink clad girl skips up with and eager smile. 
I drop Twilight to hug her too. “OHMYGOD, YOU’REPINKIEPIEANDYOU’REREALANDTHISISREALLYHAPPENING!!!!!” 
She, in turn, embraces me back as if I was a long lost brother. “IKNOWI’MPINKIEPIEANDI’MREALANDTHISISREALLYHAPPENING!!!!!” she cries happily. 
“IKNOWYOUKNOWTHATYOU’REPINKIEPIEANDTHATYOU’REREALANDTHATTHISISREALLYHAPPENING!!!!” 
“IKNOWYOUKNOWIKNOWTHATI’MPINKIEPIEANDI’MREALANDTHISISREALLYHAPPENING!!!!!” 
“IKNOW!!!!!!” I cackle joyously. Turning immediately to Fluttershy, I give her another crazed grin. “DOYOUKNOW?!?!?!” 
The poor girl is obviously startled. “Um, I think so…” 
Pinkie Pie also turns to Twilight, giving her the same grin. “DOYOUKNOW, TWILIGHT?!?!?!” 
Twilight just sighs. “No, Pinkie, I don’t know.” 
I turn to Pinkie once more. “DOYOUKNOW,PINKIE?!?!?” I demand cheerfully. 
She shakes her pink, frizzy head happily. “NO!!!!” 
“Uh, guys? Do ya mind bein' a bit more... quiet? We’re tryin' hard not tah drop nothing.” 
I turn to see a blonde, freckled girl, hands on her hips and giving us an amused smirk. More importantly, however, is the action going on behind her: a small army of colorful characters, all laden with boxes and packages, are all moving into the building. 
“Do be careful, darling, that vase cost me quite a pretty penny and I’m rather attached to it.” 
“Eeyup.” 
“Try not to get in people’s way, Muffin! Just be as helpful as you can!” 
“Yes, mum...” 
“...C’mon, Chief! It was just a little hat!” 
“That 'little hat', dearest Son-In-Law, has been in our tribe for nearly 97 generations!! My father wore it! And his father before him! And-“ 
“Relax, dad, I’ll fix the headdress.” 
“Careful with that! That has some-“ 
“-delicate materials-“ 
“-to be used-“ 
“-in our newest,” 
“most fabulous-” 
“INVENTION!!!” 
“This is an outrage!!! How dare these cretins treat the Great and Powerful Trixie’s personal belongings so callously? WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME?!?!?!” 
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MOVERS!!!!” 
“It’s just so weird using these hands instead of our-“ 
“SHHHH, BONNIE!!! We’re humans, remember? Always have been, always will be… RIGHT?!?!?” 
“Ooh, yes, sorry.” 
I feel a happy smile spread across my face, right as my brain explodes. 

One fandom induced coma later. 

“Oh! Oh my! Mackie!” calls the voice of Fluttershy. “He’s getting up! Could you get the ice pack in the fridge? If you don’t mind?” 
“Tain’t a problem, darlin'.” replies a much more relaxed voice. 
“Ugh…” I groan as the room comes into focus. “What? Where am I?” 
As my vision gets clearer, I can see the outlines of two humans: One pink haired (obviously Fluttershy) and a mysterious redhead. 
“Oh, Mackie, we forgot to put on his glasses!” the pink blob cries. 
“Don’t you fret, Ah got 'em right here.” I feel the stiff wire of my glasses be pushed gently on my face, revealing that the redhead is in fact one of the biggest dudes I have ever seen. He would be terrifying were it not for the air of total zen around him. Also, he's chewing a wheat stalk, and guys who chew wheat stalks aren’t typically the kind of guys willing to kill you. 
“Fluttershy? What happened? Where am I? Who’s the red guy?” 
The girl looks over me with a maternal eye. “Oh, Sebastian, you’ve been out cold for two hours! You passed out in the middle of the lobby, so Mackie and I had to help bring you up to your room! I hope that’s ok.” 
“Mackie?” I ask groggily. “Who’s Mackie?” 
The wheat stalk chewer speaks up. “Ah’m Mackintosh Apple, but most folks call me Big Mac. Ah’m Fluttershy’s-“ 
“Boyfriend?” I guess, “She told me about you.” 
“Did she now?” he grins, looking over at Fluttershy. 
She squees and blushes from embarrassment. “The subject came up.” she admits. 
I feel the same warm, tingly feeling you get from watching two teenagers in love. “How long have you two been dating?” 
Mackintosh smiles at this. “A year and counting!” he says proudly. 
“Well, I’m going to be Fluttershy’s roommate from now on, so if I hear one complaint out of her, I’ll make you into Apple pie, you hear?” I threaten jokingly. 
Mackintosh nods solemnly at this. “Eeyup.” 
“Great! See you later then and thanks for bringing me up!” I say, giving him a hand to shake. 
He grips my hand firmly in return. “What are neighbors for?” he replies modestly. Turning to Fluttershy, he nuzzles up to her. 	“See ya later, darlin'. Granny’s probably got dinner ready by now and Celestia knows she ain’t gonna let Applejack and Apple Bloom eat 'til everypony’s there!” 
Giggling, Fluttershy kisses her boyfriend on the cheek. “Thanks for helping me with Sebastian. I’ll see you later.” 
He smiles and looks over to me one last time. “It’s been a pleasure meetin' y'all, Sebastian. See ya around the buildin'.” 
I nod. “What can I say? Welcome to the neighborhood!” 
With a chuckle, he leaves Fluttershy and me alone in my room. Once I hear the door close, I sit up and face Fluttershy directly. “What did he mean, ‘everypony’?” I ask her bluntly. 
Fluttershy tenses up at this. “He meant everybody!” she blurted. “He just made a mistake!” 
I get closer to my nervous roommate. “Fluttershy? You guys aren’t human, are you?” 
“Meep!” 
“At least, you didn’t start out human?” 
She nods nervously, now looking alarmingly like a deer in headlights. 
“Are you- WERE you guys ponies? Did something happen to your home? Are you in trouble?” 
At the word “trouble”, the pink haired girl flew out of my room in fear, slamming the door to indicate that she had also run out of the apartment. 
“FLUTTERSHY!!” I call as I get up from my bed and run after her. “WAIT UP!!!!”
> Chapter The Third
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter The Third, or "In Which I am Beat Up By Those Cute Little Ponies"


I run after Fluttershy, hoping to find the terrified girl and help her. In hindsight, running after her bellowing her name probably scared her even more, but imagine what I was feeling! I just found out I have neighbors from another dimension! The Feds will tear them up, or probe them, or do all kinds of ungodly shit to them if they find out! I have to help them out of this mess! 
I find myself at a hallway intersection, and Fluttershy’s nowhere to be found. “Where is she?” I mutter to myself as I scan the hallways. “She’s gotta be here some‪‪—“ 
Suddenly, I feel the strong impact of wood hitting my head. The world starts spinning, and I begin to lose feeling in my legs. Another hard strike is enough to take me out, and the world fades to black. 



“Hey buddy. Wake up.” 
“Oh dear. Did we hit him too hard?” 
“Don’t worry about it, 'Shy. I got this under control.” 
“Last time you said that, we were stuck in a box for five months.” 
“Shut up, Dash! Is it my fault that Blueblood’s, I dunno, A GOD?!” 
“To be fair, you kind of tipped him off…” 
“Spitfire, so help me, if you don’t shut up; I will eat you.” 
“Just saying…” 
“So, what do we do now? Do we just keep him here?” 
“Nah, we’ve got to interrogate him. Scoots! Get the bucket!” 
“Why do I have to get the bucket?! You get the bucket! You knocked him out!” 
“Because it’s past your bedtime, young lady. It’s either you help us or you go to bed.” 
“What’s this I hear? Gilda Griffin being motherly? I thought griffins ate their young!” 
“First off: that’s racist. Secondly, I’m not being motherly; I’m telling her the facts. Thirdly, if you don’t shut the hell up; I’m going to eat you!” 
“Someone’s a bit sensitive…” 
“Whatever, Soarin’. Just get the bucket kid!” 
“Fine…” 
My eyes open to find five blurs in front of me. Each of them seem to be conversing with each other, which seems weird to me until I realized that I don’t have my glasses. Now, I know that this is going to sound stupid (I'm just recovering from a concussion), but I think it is a good idea to ask them for help. 
“Hey guys?” I call groggily. “A little help here? I can’t see!” 
The five blobs all turn to me. “Oh shit,” the white topped one sighs. “Scoots! Forget about the bucket! He’s awake!” 
“Oh, COME ON!!!” cries a young voice from outside of my field of vision. 
The pink blob gently pushes on my cracked lenses; revealing herself to be Fluttershy. I look at the others to find a girl with short rainbow hair, a guy with a blue up-do, another girl with a bright orange and yellow hairdo, and an irate girl with snow white hair. 
“Fluttershy…” groaned the white-haired girl. “Now he’s gonna be able to recognize us!” 
“Oh, was that not part of the plan? I’m sorry.” She leans over to my face with apologetic smile. “Would you mind too much if I kind of made you blind against your will again?” 
I just deadpan. “'Shy, don’t you think it’s enough that you knocked me out?” 
She gasps in horror. “They knocked you out?!” She turns to the rest of the group. “I thought you said you found him passed out on the floor!” 
“Well what were we SUPPOSED to do, 'Shy?” retorts the rainbow girl. “This guy was chasing you around the hall, hollering your name like a madman!” 
A little girl shows up. “Um, guys? Shouldn’t we interrogate him while we have him tied up?” 
I look down to find that I am duct-taped to a kitchen chair, and that I'm stripped down to my boxers. 
“Whoa! Not cool guys!” I yell in surprise. 
Fluttershy winces a little. “I’m sorry!” she cries. “It was their idea! I’m so sorry!” 
“What are you sorry for?!” demands the white-haired girl. “He was the one chasing you like some kind of crazy!” 
“You know, if you wanted to make this easier, you could just—“ 
I'm cut short when the white-haired girl slaps me hard across the face. “Who are you?!” she hollers. 
“Oh, his name is Sebastian.” Fluttershy says timidly before deflating under the white-haired girl’s glare. “I’m sorry.” 
She just sighs. “Never mind. Just… just tell us who you’re working for!” 
I give them a quizzical look. “What?” 
The little girl, in turn, bitch-slaps me. “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!?” she screams. 
“Scootaloo!” cries the flame-haired girl. 
“What?” the girl asks, turning to her friends. “It’s fun!” 
“Not for me, it isn’t.” I mutter. 
This time, the rainbow-haired girl slaps me across the face. “SHUT UP!!!” she bellows. A smile creeps onto her face. “Hey, this IS fun!” 
The flame-haired girl sighs and facepalms. “Guys, we need to do this diplomatically. We can’t just go around slapping people! Soarin’, back me up on this!” 
“I dunno, sis…” the blue-haired guy grins. “This does look like fun.” 
“Guys, let’s just focus on the interrogation,” groans the white-haired girl. Turning to me, she scowls. “Are you working for Blueblood?!” 
Again, I just look questioningly to my aggressors. “What?!” 
Rainbow-hair slaps me again. “What country you from?” she demands. 
“What?!” I babble in confusion. 
“I never heard of a country named ‘What’! They speak Equestrian in ‘What’?” 
I just look at them, totally confused. “W-what?!” 
She just flips over a nearby table. “EQUESTRIAN, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?” 
“W-w-what?!” 
This time, white-hair punches me in the gut. “SAY WHAT AGAIN!” she demands. “I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!!!” 
“Uh, guys? You’re kind of scaring Fluttershy,” observes Soarin’. 
All three of us turn to see Fluttershy crying with the flame-haired girl consoling her. Flame-head give both of the girls a dirty look. “Just get this over with.” 
White-hair nods grimly and turns to me again. “Look, punk, I don’t know who you are, but we could make things a lot easier if you just answer this one question: how do you know so much about Fluttershy’s past?” 
I look up to her, trying to calm myself down. “I know about your past too, all of your pasts. You’re Gilda, and you were a griffin before you were human. You,” I say, turning to the rainbow-haired girl, “are Rainbow Dash, Element of Loyalty, and you were a pegasus. The other girl is Spitfire, another pegasus and as well as a Wonderbolt, and the guy next to her is Soarin', another Wonderbolt and pegasus. The little girl is Scootaloo, and was pegasus filly before she came here. What I want to know is just what the hell you guys are doing here?” 
Everyone is silent for a while, all dumbfounded by what I said. Suddenly, Gilda punches me in the face. “He’s a spy!” she declares. “I TOLD you guys this would happen!” 
Spitfire tries to calm her down. “Look, Gilda, we don’t know for sure if he’s a spy. For all we know he could be on our side! Let’s wait for the Princesses to check this out!” 
“Yeah, Gilda,” agrees Soarin’. “Maybe the Doctor sent him!” 
My eyes widen. “The Doctor!” I grin, despite my current position. “He’s here? Is he with Derpy?” 
Gilda gives the two of them a venomous glare. “Great!” she groans. “He knows about the Doctor! Now he has something to report to his boss!” 
Rainbow Dash gives me a wary stare. “I dunno, Gilda. This guy sounds like a friendly… Maybe we should—“ 
“HE’S SUPPOSED TO SOUND LIKE A FRIENDLY!!” she roars. “HE’S A SPY!!” She places her hand on my scalp. “Look, 	punk,” she hisses, “I know how you spy types work. I used to work with you guys, and trust me; I know every trick in your book. You guys think you’re so clever, and that you can act your way out of anything! Not today, punk. Now, you’re gonna tell me and my friends what we want to know about your boss or things will get… uncomfortable.” 
As she says the word “uncomfortable”, I feel five sharp points dig into my scalp. “WHAT THE HELL!?!” I yelp. 
“Gilda!” cries Spitfire. “Let’s go to the Princesses! They’ll know what to do!” 
“Yeah, Gilda!” agrees Rainbow Dash, alarmed. “No need for things to get messy!” 
She gives them all a savage roar. “THEY COULDN’T SAVE US FROM THAT MONSTER!! THEY CAN’T SAVE US NOW!! IT’S TIME TO FACE THINGS OURSELVES!!” 
“GILDA!” comes a cry from the back. We all turn to see Fluttershy, no longer crying, but standing up, ready to defend me. “Please, Gilda,” she pleads. “Let’s just see what the Princesses say.” 
Gilda scowls, but lets me go. “Just because it's you, 'Shy.” she growls. “For anyone else, this guy would be sushi.” She pushes me roughly in my seat. “Say thank you, punk.” 
I look up to my savior. “Th-thanks, 'Shy.” 
She smiles warmly at me. “There, there... We just made a mistake! No need to thank me. Let’s just get you out of these…” 
Everyone but Gilda pitched in unwrapping me from the seat. When I was free, Soarin’ offered me a hand to help me out of my chair. “Sorry about that,” he grins sheepishly, “got a little carried away there.” 
I sigh and take his hand. “No problem. I’m used to this kind of thing.” Looking around the room and rubbing my arms, I notice that everyone’s just looking awkwardly at me. “So… what now?” 
Spitfire speaks up. “Now, we go to the Princesses.”
> Chapter The Fourth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter The Fourth, or "In Which I Await To See Just What The Fuck Is Going On Here


While I had gotten my clothes on, Fluttershy had decided to go to alert the Sisters of the news, leaving me and the group alone in the apartment. 
Great idea, Shy; leave a guy with a bunch of people who just attacked him! 
Anyway, the room gets really quiet when she leaves. Everyone’s either too guilty to talk, too pissed off to talk, or too scared that they will get their ass whooped if they talked. 
Guess which group I was in. 
Finally, I decided to break the silence. “Look, we got off on the wrong foot. Hoof. Whatever. My point is; whatever the hell’s going on here we’re not going to solve anything if we just sit like a bunch of rocks.” 
Spitfire nods in agreement. “If we’re gonna make it in this world, wherever we are, we need this guy’s help. Am I right?” 
Rainbow Dash gives a noncommittal growl, and Soarin’ and Scootaloo both seem to agree. Gilda just scoffs. 
“Whatever, dudes. If you wanna fall for this guy’s trap; I tried to warn you.” 
“Fair enough,” Spitfire grins. Turning to me, she extends her hand. “Let’s start from the top. I’m Spitfire. This is my brother Soarin’, my friends Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo, and I think you’ve already met Gilda.” 
I take her hand. “The name’s Sebastian Espinosa. Happy to finally meet you guys in person.” 
“What do you mean, ‘in person’?” asks Rainbow Dash, apparently still suspicious. 
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you guys are kind of celebrities in this world.” 
Soarin’ grins. “Sweet! Do we get perks and stuff? Like at restaurants?” 
“I guess you would… if anyone thought you were real…” 
“So wait, we’re celebrities, but we’re not real to you guys? How does that work?” 
“You guys are, well, cartoons.” 
“WHAT?!?!?” 
I grin at the group’s simultaneous reaction. “Yeah, to us you guys are cute little ponies in a little fairy land. It’s funny really; a lot of people would love to know that you guys are human now.” 
“So THAT’S how you knew we were ponies!” reasons Scootaloo. “But there’s one thing I don’t get: out of everyone in Equestria, you know who WE are? How?” 
“Well, not you guys specifically,” I explain. “It’s more like the Elements of Harmony: Rainbow Dash, Apple Jack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle. Everyone else… well, we don’t pay as much attention to them.” 
“So even in a different dimension, I’m just as awesome? I’d be surprised if it wasn’t me!” boasts Rainbow Dash. 
“I’d be creeped out if it were me,” shudders Spitfire, “random people staring at you 24/7? Ugh!” 
“Well, it wasn’t 24/7!” I say defensively. “It was more like important stuff, like you guys defeating Discord and stuff like that.” 
“Oh, so it’s kinda like the news?” asks Soarin’. 
“Well, there were some less important episodes; I remember one where Rainbow Dash got a pet or something like that.” 
“Oh, you mean Tank? You guys saw that? Sweet!” Dash smiles, “it’s like the Rainbow Dash Show I was talking about at home! I TOLD you guys something like that would be big!” 
Spitfire rolls her eyes. “Jeeze, RD, didn’t you hear the guy? They focused on your friends too!” Turning to me, the flame haired girl smiles apologetically. “Did she have as big of an ego on the TV show?” 
I nod. “You know, everyone I’ve met so far has acted exactly like they would have on the cartoon. It’s actually really cool to watch!” 
Soarin’ looks confused. “We would have tied up some random guy we didn’t know out of suspicion that he was a spy? I thought this was a kid’s show!” 
I laugh. “Well, not EXACTLY. That’s why I’m so curious to get to know you guys better.  Are you guys different from the ponies I know?” 
“Well, let’s find out; shall we?” smiles Spitfire. “Are Soarin’ and I siblings in the show?” 
I shake my head no. “That’s actually really surprising to me. I thought you guys would be… y'know…” 
Both of them groan in disgust. “Ew, that’s like, incest or something,” declares Soarin’. 
“Oh, relax, you guys!” sighs Rainbow Dash. “You aren’t even blood related!” 
“Yeah, but still…” 
I chuckle. “OK, next question.” 
Scootaloo asks this one. “Who are my best friends?” 
“Well, if I remember correctly; it’s Sweetie Bell and Applebloom, right?” 
She nods, impressed. “You forgot Spike, Pip, and Dinky, but two out of five isn’t too bad!” 
“My turn!” says Rainbow Dash with a devilish smile. “Is Gilda as much of a bitch in the show as she is in real life?” 
“Hey, fuck you, Dash!” retorts the white haired woman. 
“Yeah, actually, she was totally evil in the cartoon. She even made Fluttershy cry!” 
“I was a different griffin back then,” she growls. “I got my act together and apologized. Did that happen in your little show?” 
“Not really…” 
Gilda stays silent at this, prompting Soarin’ to talk. “OK, how about this: were Rainbow Dash and I dating?” 
“Well, there was always speculation, but the show never really cleared anything up.” 
Rainbow Dash grins. “I guess our dates were too hot for the kiddies, huh, Soarin’?” 
I stare blankly at them. “What do you mean by that?” 
Spitfire giggles a bit. “I’m guessing that you’re little cartoon didn’t show how much of a sex-freak Rainbow Dash is, huh?” 
And at that moment, a little piece of my soul died. 
Soarin’ laughs at seeing my somber reaction. “Dude, you looked like you just lost a buddy to the war or something!” 
I groan. “Oh, don’t mind me; I’m just trying to put back the pieces of my shattered childhood back together.” 
Rainbow Dash gives an impatient click of the tongue. “Look, buddy, we can’t all be saints like you guys, apparently. We’re living organisms that have their own needs and desires too!” 
Spitfire looks at the rainbow haired girl, impressed. “Wow, Dash, that was… deep!” 
Dash gives her a mischievous grin. “I’m more than just a hot body, babe.” 
I shake myself out of my depression. “Whatever, I guess. You guys are people… of some sort.” 
“And what’s THAT supposed to mean?” asks Scootaloo defensively. 
“I mean, you guys are obviously people. I just don’t know what kind yet.” 
“Well, we’re gonna find out soon enough, huh?” replies Soarin’. “The Princesses will straighten this whole thing out, I know it.” 
As if on cue, Fluttershy comes back into the apartment. “Um, guys? The Princesses want to see Sebastian now… if it’s alright.” 
I nod solemnly and get up. Turning to the other guys, I give them an awkward wave. “I guess I’ll see you guys later?” 
Spitfire gives me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it; the Princesses won’t do anything stupid. They’ve seen it all by now; they’ll know what to do. Besides, you seem like an OK guy. You’re not in any danger.” 
“Yet,” sneers Gilda, giving me an evil smile. 
With that lovely idea in mind, I follow Fluttershy out of the apartment with the sinking feeling that things were just starting to get weird. 
> Chapter The Fifth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter The Fifth, or "In Which I Get One Hell of an Assignment


It’s quiet as we walk up the stairs. Both of us are determined to not look at the other. I try a few times to work up the courage to talk to Fluttershy, but the words just die in my throat. I think I see her try a few times too, but she always shuts her mouth at the last second. I guess she feels bad about this whole thing too. 
Meanwhile, my mind is completely overwhelmed with questions. “Why here?” I think, “Why now? Why is Prince Blueblood somehow the villain here? Why not Discord, or Chrysalis, or—” 
“Um, Sebastian?” comes a timid voice. I turn to find Fluttershy trying very hard to look me in the eye. “We’re here…” 
I look at the door we're at, 7G. I smile a little. Here I thought they’d have a whole floor to themselves or something. “Is this really it?” I ask Fluttershy. 
She looks confused. “W-what do you mean?” 
“I mean, they ARE your leaders. Shouldn’t they have something grander?” 
For a fraction of a second a shy smile flashes across her face. “Oh, you’ll see,” she whispers. With that, she slowly opens the door, revealing a mind-blowing secret. 
The room is enormous. I mean MASSIVELY enormous. As in, football field enormous! Every inch of the space is occupied by something: maps, tapestries, photographs, baubles, you name it. In the center of the room stand two massive thrones: one of pure gold, the other of solid obsidian. Behind them is an ornate case holding six familiar objects. 
The Elements… 
Suddenly, six figures walk in, each wearing dark cloaks. Two sit themselves on the thrones, while the others stand next to them. “Loyal servant,” starts the one on the obsidian throne, her voice sounding familiar, “you have done your work. You may retire for the night.” 
Fluttershy nods and turns to leave, but before she goes out the door, she wraps me in a tight hug. “Be careful,” she whispers to me, and with a squeak of embarrassment she runs out of the room. 
As soon as she leaves, I kneel before the two figures on the thrones. “Y-your majesties, Princesses Celestia and Luna, let me be the first to welcome you to Earth,” I stutter. 
There’s a silence in the room before the figure on the obsidian throne speaks. “How do you know our names?” she asks coldly. 
“You’re famous here,” I explain nervously. “Many people know of your exploits and your goals. Many people respect them, and aspire to achieve them. I am such a person.” 
“He’s telling the truth, you’re Majesties,” agrees a southern voice solemnly. “Ah cain’t catch ‘im lying.” 
“Please, I want to help!” I swear. “You are obviously in trouble! You need a guide to this world, and who better than a lifelong resident?” 
“We have a guide, thank you,” replies the obsidian figure curtly. 
“Yeah, and this world is called Jersey Shore, for your information!” sneers a raspy voice. “Maybe you would have known that if you’d done your homework!” 
It takes a while for my mind to process this. “Wait… you think this world is called Jersey Shore?” I ask uncertainly. 
“Think? I KNOW, punk!” snarls the figure, arms folded. 
“…And you got this information from… where?” 
“Wouldn’t YOU like to know?!” 
I just start to laugh, partly from the sheer craziness of the situation, partly from hysteria. But mostly hysteria. “You actually THINK that this world is that crappy MTV show from eleven years ago?!” I cackle. 
The hooded figure doesn’t seem too sure of itself any more. “Uh… maybe?” 
The figure on the golden throne speaks up. “Is this information inaccurate?” 
I nod, stifling a chuckle. “Not only is it inaccurate, but it’s frequently ridiculed!” I declare. “I mean, only the worst of us act like that!” 
She turns to look at her companions. “Everypony, I think that it’s safe to assume we have an ally. It’s safe to take off your hoods.” 
The one on the obsidian throne tries to protest. “But- but Sister—” 
“Luna, I think this young human has proven himself, don’t you?” the other one replies sternly. With that, she takes off her hood to reveal flowing pastel hair and a beautiful face. She looks over to me and smiles. “Hello. I am Princess Celestia, but you seem to have already realized that.” 
One by one, the hooded figures reveal themselves to be Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Princess Luna (somewhat grudgingly, might I add), a man with deep blue hair and a serious face, and a girl with cropped, mint-green hair and an embarrassed expression. 
“This is my sister and co-ruler, Princess Luna,” Princess Celestia explains, “and these are my fellow Equestrians: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Shining Armor, and Lyra Heartstrings. As you’ve already guessed, we aren’t from this world, nor were we originally human. We come from the land of Equestria, once our homeland. Many have been lost for the sake of our freedom. We hope to live here peacefully, but we realize this is impossible without help. Help that you may provide. Would you be our guide to this world?” 
Now, on any other day, I would have said an immediate yes, along with several whoops and hollers of celebration that would not have been appropriate to such a situation. However, after getting duct taped to a chair, slapped like a prison bitch, and harshly interrogated and threatened, all by the people I was supposed to help, I thought a little about this. “I just need some answers, your Majesties,” I reply respectfully. 
Luna seems enraged by this. “YOU DARE QUESTION—” 
Celestia interrupts her sister with a reproachful look. “Luna, he’s earned the right to know,” she scolds. She smiles at me 	apologetically. “Ask away.” 
“Why run away from Equestria?” 
Celestia’s face grows serious. “We’ve been usurped from our thrones,” she explains, “by a powerful entity, one even more powerful than ourselves, or even one that we’ve ever faced. It has been summoned by the Prince Blueblood, once considered our royal nephew and part of our court. We are not sure he knew entirely what he released, or whether or not he’s even aware that he’s released it, but whatever the case, he’s harnessed its energy to control Equestria. In his power, he’s warped reality to his whim, putting us in the situation we are now. Few escaped his power, and fewer of those survived. Those that did joined our ranks, and we trekked to find another world, one outside of his power. This is such a world.” 
Luna, having calmed down, nods solemnly. “He’s enslaved our fellow beings: dragons, diamond dogs, minotaurs, griffons, buffalo, donkeys, mules, cattle, and zebras. Even the changelings, once powerful enemies, are now enslaved to do his will. We had to escape, and bring those that we could with us.” 
I stand there in disbelief. “Is this being Discord?” I ask urgently. 
Celestia shakes her head. “Amidst all the chaos, Discord did not emerge for some reason. He has been brought with us to this world, encased in stone, to prevent him from allying himself with Blueblood.” 
Luna shudders a little. “We can’t even imagine what horrors would befall Equestria if he were involved.” 
“For that reason,” concludes the elder of the sisters, “we have kept him with us, away from Equestria’s chaos, hopefully preventing his escape. But we ask you once again: will you help us?” 
"Whoa, whoa, back up... You brought the embodiment of chaos itself to our world?!" I ask incredulously "What about us?! Your majesties, with all due respect, how are we supposed to cope with that kind of disorder?!"
Celestia gives me an assuring smile. "Don't worry: Discord is still imprisoned in stone, as we said earlier, and measures have been taken to maintain his prison. He will not escape into your world."
Despite the good news, I still have to think about this. What am I getting myself into if I help them? Can I handle this kind of responsibility? I still have a job, a life to live… I turn to look at them, and for the first time, I notice how each of them seem to cling onto me in hope. What am I doing, thinking of myself ahead of these poor people?!?! 
“I’ll do it,” I resolve. 
Celestia gives me a grateful smile. “We thank you for your generosity. We cannot wait to see your presentation tomorrow.” 
My eyes nearly pop out at the news. “T-tomorrow?! I have work tomorrow!! I can’t finish a whole lesson in one night and still go to work!!” 
“There are ways of extending the night,” replies Luna coldly. “As for your work, we are capable of compensating you for your lost wages. From what we know, our mode of transportation has transferred our currency of bits to what we believe is called dollar bills. Does this motivate you to help us?” 
I gulp, “I… I guess so…” 
For the first time, Luna smiles. “Excellent. This seems to be the beginning of an effective alliance. To assist you, we provide Twilight Sparkle, our faithful servant—“ 
Twilight nods politely. “I think we’ve met…” 
“—and our human ‘EXPERT’, Lyra Heartstrings,” finishes the Princess, somewhat coldly. 
Lyra gives me an apologetic grin. “Sorry about the bad intro. I’m not normally such an ass.” 
“Hmm, yes…” Luna murmurs, apparently not at all convinced. “In any case, we wish the three of you success. Good night to all of you.” 
Celestia nods and smiles. “Good luck to you.” With that, the two royals walk away. 
Shining Armor turns to Twilight, whispering something to her and hugging her goodbye. Before he follows the Princesses, though, he gives me a look that I’ve gotten from too many big brothers in the past: the look that says, “If you so much as touch my little sister, I will shove my foot so high up your ass that you will brush your teeth with my toes for the rest of your pathetic life.” I’m sure we’ve all gotten that look from a former cartoon character, right? 
Anyway, Applejack follows suit, but instead of the rather threatening look I got from Shining, I got a different look: “Do your best. Please.” As she leaves, Lyra and Twilight approach me. “Alright, we’ve got a job to do, and we’ve got a night to do it,” states Twilight. “I think the first thing we should do is compare cultures. What do you say?” 
I stammer at the sheer quickness of the situation. “W-well, I think that’s a good idea, but how accurate is the information you’ve got at the moment? I mean, you couldn’t have possibly brought centuries of Equestrian history and culture with you, right?” 
Lyra sniggers at this. “Oh, we’ve got it around here somewhere,” she grins. “After all, we’ve got a place to put it all in, don’t we, Twi?” 
I suddenly realize what she’s talking about. “You don’t mean—“ 
The mint-haired girl nods. “C’mon, guys. I think it’s time we pay a visit to the dear old Whooves family.” 
> Chapter the Sixth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Sixth, or “In Which I Gain the Greater Learnings of Equestria”


After leaving the massive room, Twilight turns to me with a strange look of excitement. “This is the first time I’ve ever tried this!” she practically giggles, placing her hand on my shoulder.
I look at her warily. “What exactly ARE you trying?” 
“Well, the Princesses didn’t want us performing magic in case humans saw. But now that you know, I’ll get to try teleporting in this body!” she replies with a manic glint in her eye. “I hope I don’t leave any limbs this time!” This idea didn’t sit very well with me. 
“Wait, you’re going to try some weird magical mumbo jumbo, despite the fact that you could potentially, I dunno, KILL ME?!?!?” 
Lyra laughs at my worried expression. “Oh come on, you big baby! It won’t kill you! You honestly think that we’d do something that we didn’t know was safe?” 
“Have you tried it on humans?” I retort. 
She got quiet after that part. Twilight shakes her head in dismissal. “Would you rather just walk down the stairs?” 
“YES! VERY MUCH SO!” 
“You’ve never been curious as to what it would be like to teleport?” she asks skeptically. 
“Well, yeah, but not at the cost of my arms!” 
Twilight gives an exasperated sigh. “Fine… I guess we’ll have to walk.” 
“Thank you,” I say gratefully, “I know that you guys are used to—“ 
Suddenly, I feel an arm around my shoulders. I turn to see Twilight grabbing me with a devilish smile on her face. “Hold on!” she laughs. 
Have you ever been sucked in from a hole in the center on your chest, only to pop out on the other side exactly the same? That’s teleportation for you, and as you can imagine, it really, well, sucks. “Dear God!” I yell in surprise, gasping for air. “NEVER do that again!” 
Lyra simply dusts herself off. “You get used to that.” She looks at Twilight, somewhat amused. “Didn’t know you had trickery in you, Twi!” 
Twilight blushes. “Sorry,” she says sheepishly, “but you have no idea how curious I was! And besides, it’s been a while since I’ve done any magic, and I was getting a headache.” 
I sigh. “It’s cool, I guess. I mean, I didn’t lose anything, so I guess it’s OK.” 
Suddenly, Lyra gasps. “OH SISTERS, WHERE’RE THE REST OF YOUR FINGERS?!?!” 
Panicked, I lift my hand to find that I WASN’T missing any fingers. I scowl at the mint-haired girl. “That was cruel and uncalled for,” I mutter. 
She just gives me a shit-eating grin. “Gotcha!” 
I turn to see that we have arrived at one of the apartments close to mine. “This is where Derpy and her daughter live,” Twilight explains. “Right now they have whatever Equestrian artifacts we managed to salvage. I just hope it’s still working.” 
“What’s still working?” I ask quizzically. “Why would they be in charge of whatever’s left of Equestria?” 
Lyra rolls her eyes at me. “You do realize that we’re gonna show you everything, right? You don’t have to keep asking questions!” 
“Right.” 
Twilight knocks on the door. 
“Who is it?” a chipper voice asks. 
“It’s just us, Derpy!” Twilight responds. “We need to show the human some stuff to help him… well, we’ll explain once we’re inside!” 
The door swings open to reveal a smiling woman about Twilight’s age. She has a cheerful smile, straw blonde hair, and her eyes, though slightly askew, are shining bright gold in eagerness. “Hi,” she giggles, “I’m Ditzy Doo, but you can call me Derpy Whooves!” 
My reluctant expression at the situation disappears at seeing her. “I’m Sebastian.” I smile at her. “Pleased to meet you!” 
“You guys wanna see the TARDIS right?” Derpy asks. “Well, we’re having a few technical difficulties with it.” 
My excitement level shoots up at that. “THE TARDIS!!” I squeal. “I GET TO SEE THE TARDIS!! WOO!!” 
“Where was this excitement when we wanted to teleport?” asks Twilight, slightly annoyed. 
I sheepishly smile at her. “Sorry, but the TARDIS is very important to people on Earth; it’s the Doctor’s mode of transportation. Speaking of which,” I turn to Derpy, suddenly suspicious, “how did you get the TARDIS?” 
She smiles serenely at me. “He’s my husband!” 
“Who’s your husband?” 
“The Doctor, silly!” 
MIND. BLOWN. 
“Um… Sebastian?” asks Twilight, a bit put off. “Are you okay?” 
I just stand there with a massive smile on my face. “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my mind exploding,” I explain calmly. 
“Riiiight. So Derpy, what do you mean by technical difficulties? I thought the TARDIS made it out OK?” 
“Well, the Chameleon Circuit’s giving us a bit of trouble,” she whispers, “and she’s been having trouble traveling. I honestly think that the poor girl just misses the Doctor, but she did take a little damage. It’s a good thing she got used to me and Dinky, or else she would’ve run off like she did the first time!” 
Just then, a smaller head of blonde pops up. “Hey mum?” the little girl calls. “The TARDIS is ready. K-9 checked everything out, so you guys can go in any time you want!” 
“Thanks, Muffin!” Derpy calls back. She turns back to me with a smile. “That was Dinky!” she explains. “She’s my daughter.” 
I smile even wider. “Is she the Doctor’s daughter too?” 
Derpy nods. “You can tell, can’t you? Just by the way she talks?” 
I grin. “Well, we’ve been watching your husband for a while now,” I explain. “Just like we’ve been watching you guys.” 
“So I guess you know about the TARDIS then?” Derpy asks. I nod. “Then you’re not gonna like what you’re about to see,” she replies grimly. 
She lets us in to see a tragic sight: a battered, faded blue box with chunks missing; stray wires hanging from its sides and its paint peeled off of every surface. The light bulb on top of the roof was burnt out, and the sign above the door that normally shone “POLICE BOX” now read “LICE BO”. 
“What happened to her?!” I ask, horrified. 
Derpy smiles sheepishly. “It’s not used to traveling between dimensions. Wait till you see this.” She knocks gingerly on the TARDIS wall. Sure enough, the exterior changes from a blue police box to a massively thick barber shop pole. “I think she’s been trying too hard to remain stable, the poor girl.” She sighs, “I caught her last night trying to fly. All she did was cough out a donut.” 
Twilight cringes a little. “Well, let’s just get our stuff and get out. We wouldn’t want to hurt the machinery any more than it is.” With that, she boldly steps onto the tattered ship, making the floor groan with pressure. 
Lyra follows suit. “Well, come on, you cry baby!” she grins at me. “You love this space junk so much, why not climb on?” 
Warily, I step onto the TARDIS platform. Amazingly, the box is still much bigger on the inside, holding all sorts of machines and contraptions that would probably kill me if I touched them. I just want to stand there and take it all in, but I know that isn’t going to be an option. With a sigh, I follow the two girls into the machine’s depths. 
When I catch up to them, I’m amazed to find hundreds of boxes and crates all labelled “Equestrian Stuff”. Twilight, Lyra and I start to carry them all outside, where a waiting Derpy stacks them outside. 
After doing this for a while, I get the sense that something is very wrong. “Guys?” I call out to my companions. “Did you just see that?” 
“See what?” grunts Lyra, trying to lift a heavy machine telepathically. 
“See the wall move in a bit!?” I reply. 
Suddenly, Twilight stands up, alert. “I saw it too!” she gasps in horror. 
Lyra rolls her eyes. “So the room got a little smaller. What’s the big deal?” 
“The big deal, Lyra, is that we’re all gonna get crushed, along with all this stuff!!” I yell. 
The mint-haired girl’s eyes widen. “Oh…” 
We all take as much as we can carry and rush towards the exit as the TARDIS' walls start closing in faster. Finally, the exit comes into vision, and— 
“HEEEELP!!” Lyra and I turn to find Twilight trapped under a stack of books. “I CAN’T GET UP!!!” the poor girl cries. 
I hand all my stuff to Lyra. “Get it to the entrance and get out,” I tell her. “I’ll get Twilight.” 
She nods and runs off to the door. I run the opposite way to get Twilight out from under the books. “Can you teleport us out of here?” I ask urgently once she's free. 
She nods nervously. “I-it’ll just take a second.” A purple aura starts gathering around her. 
I start noticing how awfully close the walls are getting. “Twilight.” 
“I’m going, I’m going!” she cries, gathering more aura. “It’s harder to concentrate under pressure!” 
“Why does this always have to happen when you’re about to be crushed to death?!” I ask sardonically. “Come on, hurry up!”
“IT’S READY! GRAB ON!” she yells. 
I hold onto the girl and the familiar sensation grips me once again. When I open my eyes we’re outside the TARDIS, just as the walls closed in on themselves. 
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Good thing that’s over.” 
Twilight nods. “Yeah… but you can let go of me now.” 
I turn to see that my hand was grabbing onto her… well, it was somewhere it wasn’t supposed to be grabbing. “Oh God,” I stutter, releasing her. “I swear, I-I didn’t mean to—” 
“It’s alright!” she laughs, more out of relief than anything. “It just felt a bit weird…” 
“Hey, lovebirds!” chortles Lyra. “We’ve got a lesson to plan!” 
We both blush and edge away from each other. Derpy giggles at the sight of us. “AWW, you guys are gonna be so CUTE together!!” 
“It was an accident…” I mutter. 
Lyra smirks. “Yeah, sure. But anyways, come on! Help me get this damn stuff out of here!” 
Twilight sighs. “She’s right. We’ve got to get these boxes to the Princesses’ apartment.” Turning to Derpy and Dinky, she gives them a grateful smile. “Thanks for letting us get these things out!” With that, she goes to join Lyra in her struggle to lift all the boxes 
I smile sheepishly at the two blondes in front of me. “Look, sorry about causing the TARDIS to do… that.” 
Derpy just beams at me. “That’s ok! Hey, maybe Dinky and I can finally fix that Muffin Button on the control panel!” 
Dinky, however, stays serious. “We'll have the TARDIS’ pocket dimension function repaired soon. This is only one less thing we have to worry about imploding on us.” 
I stare at the strange little girl. “It takes a while for the Time Lord sense of humor to set in, huh?” 
Derpy laughs, “as far as I know, The Doctor only recently grew one!” 
My eyes narrow. “How recent?” 
“It took him 178 years!” 
“And Dinky’s how old?” 
“12!” 
I let out a sigh. “Well, it’s been fun, Derpy. I hope the Doctor shows up soon.” 
Derpy nods eagerly. “Oh, he will. He always does!” 
I smile at this. “He does, doesn’t he?” 
“OI! HUMAN! WE NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE!!!” calls Lyra gruffly. 
With that, I leave the family to their work and start on my own. 


At the Princesses Apartment… 


I let out a yawn. Wow, I haven’t stayed up so late since college. I turn to see that both Twilight and Lyra are still hard at work, taking mountains of notes from my laptop. As it turns out, Equestrians have a lot of things, like computers and TV, in common with humans. The internet was one such thing, and apparently, Lyra was the queen of the quick search. After directing them to the sacred source of the knowledge of everything (also known as Wikipedia), I was free to browse through the Equestrian texts. 
I was amazed to see that Equestrians weren’t just technologically on par with humans; a lot of Equestrian culture was almost exactly parallel to Western Culture. From values to legends to even some variations on popular culture (Sapphire Shores is Katie Perry, Starswirl the Bearded is Merlin, Sharp Wit is Sherlock Holmes, etc.), we certainly have a lot in common. 
What we DON’T have in common, however, is the ability to work. Despite my best efforts, I really couldn’t keep up with the Equestrian girls' pace. “How can you guys get so much info so quickly?” I groan when I glance at their fifth ceiling high stack of notes. “I couldn’t produce this much work in a year, much less three hours.” 
Lyra smirks at me. “Oh, you wouldn’t want to know. We used MAGIC, so I guess you’re too scared to try it.” 
“Oh, so that’s how you’re doing it: you’re cheating!” 
Twilight glares at me, apparently offended. “This isn’t cheating! It’s taking advantage of your abilities! All the spell does is help you read and comprehend faster!” 
“And besides, we never said we couldn’t help you,” sighs Lyra loftily. “We were just thinking about how scared you were to have us do any magic on you!” 
I groan. On one hand, I get super intelligence, on the other, my brain might explode. “Is this spell permanent?” I ask Twilight tentatively. 
Twilight suddenly looks thoughtful. “About five to seven hours, but… I don’t think it’ll be safe to try just yet.” 
I look at her in disbelief. “You snuck behind my back and zapped me to an apartment two stories down at the risk of losing my appendages! How could this possibly be any more dangerous?!” 
“Because,” Twilight explains, “this is a mind spell. This could cause some irreparable damage to your brain, Sebastian!” 
Lyra rolls her eyes. “Just let the sissy try it, Twi! If anything goes wrong, I’m sure the Princesses can fix it later.” 
“Okay,” Twilight agrees warily, and she touches a finger to my forehead. 
My thoughts during this are as follows: Well, here goes. This better not hur— SWEET HOLY JESUS CHRIST, MY MIND IS EXPANDIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!! 
“Whoa,” I gasp. “This is just… wow! It’s like my head’s clear or something!” 
Twilight smiles. “That’s a good sign. It means the spell’s working.” 
I grin. “I could work forever like this!” 

Five to Seven Hours Later… 

I finish my 3067th note with a satisfying crick of the neck. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed working so hard in my life. This must be how Ron Jeremy feels. I look around to find that Lyra and Twilight are fast asleep on the floor. Aww… how cute… 
“Mflug square root of 34,” mutters Twilight, drooling a little. 
I get a little closer to the violet-haired woman. I wonder what she’s dreaming right now… 
“I’d like to dedicate this award to my assistant,” she continues, completely unaware that I'm watching, “and to all the ponies in Ponyville…” 
I chuckle. I should’ve known. I wonder what Lyra’s dreaming… I scoot over to the mint-haired girl, curious as to what could be going through her head. 
A leer spreads slowly across Lyra’s face. “Oh yeah, Bonnie, right there, you dirty bitch…” 
The fuck did I just hear? 
I slowly back away from Lyra, unwilling to hear more of whatever the fuck she was dreaming about. 
“I presume you’re finished?” comes a soft voice from behind me. 
I turn suddenly to find Princess Celestia smiling fondly at the sight of the two sleeping girls. “Oh, Princess,” I sigh in relief. “It’s just you.” 
She chuckles a little at my reaction. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” 
“It’s not that… It’s just, this whole situation has got me all jumpy. That’s all.” 
She nods. “I must admit, this has been a major change for all of us. I did not expect for my little… I mean, my subjects to adapt so quickly to such circumstances.” 
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that.” 
She cocks her head at me. “What do you mean, Sebastian Espinosa?” 
“I mean, you guys were just ran out of your homes, turned into humans, and now you have to adapt to ordinary Earth life. How is everyone taking this so well?” 
The celestial leader grows serious. “You must never tell anyone of what I am about to tell you. The sacrifices I have made could be taken… badly. Please, not even my sister must know about this.” 
I’m surprised at the sudden change of the subject, but seeing how desperate she looked, I didn’t see much of a choice. “Of course, Princess.” I assure her. 
She bites her lip before steeling herself to continue. “When Luna was first taken over by Nightmare Moon, I had to use the Elements to imprison her on the moon. The toll on my subjects’ morale was devastating. I couldn’t stand seeing my little ponies so miserable. I decided to tap into the Elements' powers once more. With the help of Starswirl the Bearded, I constructed the Harmony Effect to help my subjects.” 
“The Harmony Effect?” I ask, confused. “What does that do?” 
“The Harmony Effect,” she explains, “is a spell that acts like an emotional cushion. When a great attack or tragedy happens across Equestria, the Elements release a wave of harmony into the minds of my subjects to ease their pain.” 
“I get it! It’s kind of like a healing process for the brain!” I gasp in astonishment. 
Celestia smiles sadly. “It seemed wonderful at the time. Imagine, instant relief for masses of my subjects going through devastating tragedies.” 
“But where does it go wrong?” I ask. 
“When Blueblood usurped power, he killed thousands of Equestria guards,” she sighed. “The next day, my subjects were at peace again. No scars meant no chance of fighting back. We just… let him walk right over us.” Suddenly, Celestia quietly starts to cry. “I didn’t know it would happen,” she murmured, more to herself than me. “I just wanted to help…” 
I stand there awkwardly as she cries. “Err, you couldn’t have known about this!” I say, trying to console her. “You just wanted what was best, right?” 
She sighs, tears still streaking down her beautiful face. “I thought so too, but now I wonder if I just wanted my subjects’ approval…” 
I decide to try to put my hand on her shoulder. “Look, the past is past, right? The best we can do is try to help everyone get used to this place and while you may have made a mistake, you did it with the best intentions. That’s why they love you so much. That’s why they chose YOU over a tyrant.” 
She smiles a little. “You are wise for one so young. Are all humans so gifted in philosophy?” 
I grin. “I’m afraid that this is rare for me, and definitely rare for the rest of the human race.” 
“You underestimate your race, Sebastian Espinosa,” she assures me, “and you underestimate yourself.” With those parting words, she disappears in a flurry of colors. 
I sigh and lie down with Lyra and Twilight on the floor. I have no idea how I’m going to sleep with that on my brain. A yawn frees itself from my body. Then again, I had no idea how ponies would become human…


Author's Note

OK, the next chapter should focus mainly on how different Equestrians (mainly the Mane Six, but some others will be thrown in) are learning how to adapt to Earth lifestyles and cultures. After that, it's going to evolve into something of a sitcom-y like lifestyle (yes, the hilarity you've been waiting for is a mere two chapters away!!!) Thanks to my Editor, who helped me through this somewhat mediocre chapter, and to the guys who were actually on my side (and yes, thanks to the critics as well). These authors notes are going to be a bit scarce, but I'll type them in every major turning point chapter from now on. That satisfy you, Vapor101?!
> Chapter The Seventh
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter The Seventh, or "In Which Equestrians Get Schooled"


As I enter the lobby, I notice that there is an odd feeling coming from the crowd: not exactly fear, but more like cautious curiosity or unsure optimism. I look to my two partners; sure enough, Lyra is absent-mindedly playing with her hair, and Twilight is nervously chewing her lip. However, when they catch my gaze, their resolve seems to strengthen and, with this to inspire me, mine does as well.
Alright, let’s get this party started.
I approach the desk in the front of the room, causing the room to fall into silence. I put on what I hope to be a friendly, open-minded grin.
“Hello, my name is Sebastian Andres Espinosa, but just call me Sebastian. As I'm sure the Princesses have already told you, I’m the building’s only normal resident, at least by Earth standards anyway. Now, I bet you’re wondering, ‘How does he know that we’re Equestrian? How does he know the Princesses? How does he know we aren’t human? Does all this guy do in his spare time is ask himself questions that he thinks we’re thinking?’” A nervous chuckle goes through the room, and Lyra rolls her eyes at the audience. Well, that was lame. Swallowing my pride, I continue, “The answer for all these questions comes from the last source you’d think: children’s entertainment.
Right on cue, Twilight telepathically rolls out a projector and screen, and a scene plays out, with a song playing over the audio system: “My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah, ah, ah, AAAHH…”
The audience murmurs in confusion and I'm able to catch some of what they're saying:
“What the hell is this?!”
“Well, I’ll be damned: we’re a cartoon!”
“Am I really THAT adorable?!”
“Hmm… I don’t know if this is flattering or scary…”
“We ain’t that girly…”
I smile at their reactions. “I know this is a lot to take in, so I’ll cut to the chase: it seems that your lives were unintentionally copied as a plot for this 2010 children’s TV show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, with an eerie degree of accuracy. There are of course, some changes: here, your natural forms are much more cartoonish, your personalities are a bit more childish, and your more… adult lives are kept hidden. Also, this cartoon mostly focused on the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, casting the rest of you as supporting characters. Despite this, the Bronies, or your fans, have depicted your personalities with almost astounding accuracy, even suggesting bits and pieces of the rest of your lives. Consequently, this makes it incredibly hard not to get recognized by said people, making your cover relatively easy to blow. Luckily for you, the show ended nearly five years ago with season six, and very few people regularly watch reruns of the show, so it should be slightly easier for you to hide among us. Also luckily for you, recently many urban residents of Atlanta have been taken up in a hair-dyeing fad, and if you don’t already know yet, Atlanta is the city which we are located in now. This will reduce the suspicions that you are anything but standard humans, as we don’t normally have the colors you have in your manes in our genetic code.
“That being said,” I continue, “there are still a few kinks in your behaviors that need to be adjusted for you to be able to blend into human society. The most obvious example is your use of magic; as humans don’t have the traits of magic, fire-breathing, or unassisted flight, it is critical that you conceal these talents. Even those that were previously earth-based creatures should keep a close check on their unnatural strength as it could cause many potential problems for both you and any human involved.
“What my colleagues and I are attempting to do is give you advice to  help you integrate yourselves into human society without any major concerns. While there is no way to ensure that you have a complete knowledge of Earth, we can provide the general overview of the human race. Many of your own Equestrian culture traits have Earth equivalents, so it shouldn’t be too hard to adapt. Now, with this in mind, if you still have any personal questions about human society, please feel free approach Twilight, Lyra, or myself at the end of our sessions. Now, let us begin!”

Two hours later…

“…and that’s how America was founded,” I conclude proudly, receiving some polite applause. “Tomorrow, I’ll give you a brief overview of the next few hundred years. Remember, this isn’t a complete history lesson, so feel free to do some of your own research. That’s all for today.”
Everyone leaves, chattering cheerfully. I sigh in relief. It looks like I did a half way decent job on that.
Lyra gives me a slap on the back. “Alright, I think it’s fair to say that we ROCKED THAT!!!” she grins.
Twilight also gives me a smile. “I think it went well too, although I still say we left out a few holes in history - I mean, how is anyone going to sleep tonight without the whole story?!”
“Ah think we’ll manage, Miss Sparkle,” answers a deep voice behind us. I turn to see Big Mackintosh, smiling a little. “Looks like y’all did a good job on yer lesson. Cain’t say Ah wasn’t impressed.”
Twilight shakes her head in a long-suffering way. “It’s not that we DIDN’T do a good job, Mac, it’s that we didn’t teach EVERYTHING!”
Mac just chuckles. “Always the extremist, Miss Sparkle. Now, if y’all ladies’ll excuse us, Ah gotta talk Sebastian over here. Y’all have a nice night.”
Lyra gives him a mock salute. “See ya later, Big M! Later, Sebastian!” With that, both girls hurry up the stairs to their respective apartments.
I glance over at Mackintosh. “So, I assume you want to talk about Fluttershy?”
He chuckles good-naturedly. “Eeyup. Y’all humans normally this clever?”
I sigh. “I wish. Most of us can’t go through the day without messing something up.”
“Ponies are tha same way, tah be honest. I wouldn’t be so hard on yer race if Ah were you.”
“You haven’t been here long enough to realize just how wrong you are,” I smirk, “but anyways, what about Fluttershy did you want to talk about?”
“Ehh, nuthin’ much. She just gets attached so darn easy nowadays, and tah be frank with y’all, Ah’m kinda worried ‘bout this here situation…” He chews on his ever present wheat-stalk thoughtfully. “Truth be told, Ah thought she’d be a little scared of y’all, but ya seemed tah have charmed her good.”
I smile sheepishly. “Yeah, I have that effect on women - sorry about that.”
He smirks. “Slow yer roll there, loverboy. Ah didn’t say nuthin’ ‘bout her fallin fer ya. She’s just mighty attached, is all. All Ah’m askin is that y’all be delicate with her now, ‘kay? She’s been worried sick about y’all since yer little stunt, and Ah just wanna see her happy. Just try not tah put her through too much grief. Can ya handle that fer me?”
I grin. “Well, why not? For Fluttershy, right?”
He smiles. “Atta boy. Just clearin’ some air, nuthin’ to be worried about. See ya around, alrighty?”
“Alrighty, then. See you around.” I firmly shake the red-head’s hand, and he turns to walk to his own apartment. With him gone, I’m left alone in the lobby. Fluttershy’s worried sick? Huh, that’s weird… I mean, I barely know her… Maybe it’s an Equestrian thing? With this in mind, I walk up the stairs back to my apartment.
When I get inside, the first thing I notice is a little white rabbit on the sofa, legs propped up on the table and munching on a carrot stick. “Oh boy, you’re Angel, right?”
The little white rabbit looks at me coolly before returning his attention to the game show on the TV screen. Angel Bunny don’t give a fuck, huh? I grumble to myself. “Well, just… stay there, I guess. I mean, just don’t make a mess.”
No response. I just sigh and walk to the kitchen. No point in arguing with a rabbit. I go through the kitchen door to find Fluttershy cooking something. At the sound of my entrance, Fluttershy just calmly serves me what suspiciously looked like French fries and sits down at the table. I follow suit, grabbing some utensils on the way. As we both sit down, quietly munching on our food, I marvel at the taste of Fluttershy’s food. “What is it?” I ask her.
“Oh, just some hay fries,” she answers quietly. “I didn’t know what humans normally eat, so I just made these. I hope that’s ok…”
“They’re great,” I assure her with a smile.
“Oh good…” she murmurs. We both sit in silence for a while before the pink-haired girls speaks up again. “I… I saw your lesson… A-and I liked it…”
“Nice to know,” I chuckle.
“Do you think… I mean, if it’s not too much trouble… could I still live here?” she asks timidly.
“As long as you pay rent,” I reply simply.
She smiles softly. “Good… And one more thing… if you don’t mind…”
“Go on, shoot.”
“Well, Mackie and I were having some… difficulties, and I was wondering… um, how do humans… erm… get intimate?”
DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!?!
> Chapter The Eighth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter The Eighth, Or "In Which I Get Mercilessly Pestered"


Let’s see here, if the defendant pleads guilty; he’ll only get a few years of parole, but it’ll ruin his reputation… But, if we fight the case and lose, he gets 5 years on top of his damaged public image- A knock on my door interrupts my train of thought. “Who is it?” I call from my desk.
Fluttershy meekly pokes her head through my office door. “Um, Sebastian? Are you busy right now?”
I smile at her. “Nah, I’m just sifting through some legal work. What do you need, ‘Shy?”
She nervously walks in the room and sits down in front of me. “Well, um, first of all. Thanks for showing Mackie and I how to-”
“Don’t mention it, Fluttershy,” I chuckle nervously.
She blushes furiously. “No, I mean it! We really have been intimate much more often than—”
I sigh in exasperation. “It’s fine, I don’t need details. What were you going to ask me?”
She blinks a little before regaining focus. “Oh yes… well, um, would you mind too much if… if… if Mackintosh spent the night here?”
I raise an eyebrow. “What happened to Mac’s place?”
She suddenly takes on a look of guilt. “Um, well, we were there last night, and, well, um, Applebloom… well… sh— she caught us—”
“HE CAN STAY, HE CAN STAY!!” I interrupt loudly. “Just, please, lock the door.”
The pink-haired girl squees in joy, “Thank you!!!” Suddenly, as if deflating, she resumes her quiet, shy state. “I mean, we’ll try not to be a bother…”
I groan. “You’re welcome. Feel free to start making me my lunch.”
She smiles a little and leaves me in peace. I rub my temples and resume looking the case over. Now, the wife says she’ll testify, but from what I can tell the jury isn’t going to—
“Hey! Open up!!” demands a tomboyish voice outside my door. I turn to find a certain rainbow-haired speedster hovering outside my window. My third-story window.
“Dash, what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” I whisper urgently to the winged girl. “You’re gonna get caught!!”
She gives me a smirk. “Not if you let me in, I won’t.”
I sigh and let the girl into my office. “What do you want, Dash? I already told you, I’m not going to go into further details with whatever kind of crazy shit you and Soarin’ want to do.”
“Pfft, we figured it out last night,” she says dismissively. She floats lazily over to the chair once occupied by Fluttershy and props her feet up on my desk. “No, I just want lunch.”
I roll my eyes. “What does that have to do with me?”
“See, I don’t exactly have money, and I don’t feel like going out looking for a job, so—”
“Yeah, yeah, Fluttershy’s making lunch now. Just go over to the kitchen.”
She fixes a wicked grin on me. “Thanks man! You know, you’re pretty fly. For a human, anyway…” She lowers her eyes seductively. “You know, Soarin’ and I still owe you… Maybe you could come over to our place and, well, you get the idea.”
I give her a deadpan look. “I’ll think about it,” I say bluntly. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”
She smirks. “Spoil sport.” With that, she walks brusquely out the door.
I sigh. Finally, peace and quiet. Now, if we ask him to reveal his bank records, we might just be able to—
“HI SEBASTIAN!!!”
I jump out of my chair at the sound of the shrill screaming. Above me stands a pink, poofy-haired harbinger of destruction, complete with an ever-present grin. “Wow, does being a lawyer mean you get to work on your back?” she asks excitedly. “The Cakes would NEVER let me do that, not since the accident with the minotaur and the chicken and the electric banjo! Do you think I could be a lawyer someday, Sebastian?”
I groan as I rub my head. “Maybe, Pinkie Pie, if you weren’t so noisy!”
Pinkie gets a comical look of realization. “Oh yeah… I’d have to be quiet in that room made of wood and with the mean looking guy with the white wig. Never mind! Mrs Cake promised I’d never go back there if I was a good little filly and stopped playing with matches!”
I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know… Despite the horrible thought of Pinkamena Diane Pie with matches, I force a grin. “What can I do for you, Pinkie?”
Her eyes pop back open and her smile slides back on. “Oh yeah! I was wondering if you had seen Gummy anywhere!”
I raise an eyebrow in surprise. “Gummy escaped?”
“Well, not really… Joey just accidently flushed him down the toilet!” she explains cheerfully.
Figures, I think to myself, Donut Joe must have been the victim of a Gummy attack again. “Look Pinkie, I don’t know why your boyfriend would flush your alligator down the sewerage pipe, but how the hell am I supposed to know where the little reptile is?”
“Because you’re a smart guy!” she smiles.
I smirk. “Be that as it may, I’m not a psychic. Go ask Twilight or something. Right now, I’m busy.”
“Okey-dokey-lokey!” she chirps, and she skips out of my door.
How did she even get in here? Never mind: Pinkie Physics. Anyways, the more I read this, the more I think pleading guilty would be the—
“Umm, Sebastian?”
I catch myself before I scream at Fluttershy. Breathing out, I try to relax. “What do you need, ‘Shy?”
She blushes. “Oh, umm, if you’re too busy, I can come back later…”
I just shove all the files off of my desk. “Forget it, I’m telling this idiot to plead guilty, just tell me what’s going on.”
“Umm, well, lunch is ready… If that’s ok with you, I mean.”
I smile at her. “Thanks, ‘Shy. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“Umm, it’s really best if you eat it now…”
“Don’t worry, ‘Shy, I said I’ll be there in a—”
“COME AND EAT NOW!!!!” she demands.
“Yes ma’am,” I squeak.
She gives me a sweet smile. “I hope you don’t mind, but I invited a few friends over.”
“Nope, don’t mind at all!” I chuckle nervously.
We both walk out of my office to see that my apartment is occupied by Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Big Mac, Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity. “It’s about time!” laughs Applejack. “I was near starvin’ tah death, but Fluttershy wouldn’t let us chow till you decided tah show up! Ain’t you ever heard that too much work ain’t good fer yah, boy?”
Big Mac raises an eyebrow. “Yer one tah talk.”
“BUUURN!!” crows Rainbow Dash. “Nice one, Big Mac!”
Applejack just rolls her eyes. “Cain’t we just chow over here?”
Fluttershy squeaks in embarrassment and flutters off, coming back tray in hand. “Here it is everyone: lasagna. I hope I made it right…”
I take a deep whiff of the immaculate dish. “Shy, this is great! How’d you learn to cook so well?”
She blushes hard and hides behind her curtain of hair. “I pick up a few things…”
Big Mac nods in appreciation. “Yah hit it right on tha dot this time, darlin’!”
A harder blush. “Oh, you’re just saying that…”
We all eat the culinary masterpiece quickly, polishing it off with some cider that Applejack was smart enough to save from Equestria. Afterwards, I find myself, through some dark-magic fuckery, discussing my eyebrows with Rarity. “I mean, they are absolutely immaculate, Darling!” she praises. “You should cut your hair to show them off more!”
“I’m sorry, since when were eyebrows such a big deal? I mean, they're literally JUST hair above your eyes!”
Rarity looks somewhat offended. “Oh, but they are so much more! When shaped correctly, they are indicators to the soul, emphasizing every emotion with a graceful curve!”
I roll my eyes. “If you say so. Still, I’m not cutting my hair! I like it long!”
Rarity gives me an exasperated sigh. “Please, Darling, work with me! It is my sworn duty to bring out the best in people, regardless of gender, species, sexual orientation, or—”
“Uh, Rarity?” asks Twilight awkwardly. “Can I talk to Sebastian? In private?”
She stops, surprised for a while, before a sly grin pops onto her face. “Why yes, of course… Let me just leave you two… alone.”
I watch her as she leaves in a fit of giggles. “What was that all about?”
Twilight blushes faintly. “No idea. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about our final exams.”
I do a facepalm in self-loathing. “Ugh, I forgot to plan it! Sorry, Twi’, it looks like we might have to wing it.”
This idea seems to horrify her. “‘Wing it’? We don’t ‘wing’ exams! We plan them, we write them down, we—”
“Eh, don’t worry, Twi’! It’s going to be a… practical exam!”
She looks up at me curiously. “Practical exam? How?”
I smile slyly at her. “You’ll see…”
> Chapter the Ninth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Ninth, or "In Which the Equestrians Face the Nazis"


I walk casually down the street with a group of six Equestrians: Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Big Mackintosh, Spitfire, Rarity, and Derpy. While the latter five are relaxed, Twilight is an absolute mess. “Sebastian,” she pleads for the billionth time, “PLEASE tell me what’s going on! I don’t think I can take this any longer!”
I smirk. “Don’t worry Twi: we’re almost there.”
“Almost where?!?!” she demands.
Smiling, I point ahead to a small shop at a street corner. A beaten-up sign reads “Kassem’s Soups” above the doorway. 	“THAT, my dear, is the first part of your final exam.”
As we walk in, a small ring alerts the man at the counter of our presence. He has a thick, black mustache, bushy eyebrows, and a permanent scowl on his face. I chuckle to myself at the sight of him. This is going to be so much fuuuun…
“Alright, your goal is to purchase a bowl of soup from the Soup Nazi,” I explain.
Twilight gasps. “He’s a Nazi?! As in those horrible people from the 1940s?!”
“Naw, he’s just a hardass,” explains Mac.
I laugh at this. “Thank you, Mac, for putting it so eloquently. Now, since the Soup Nazi’s REALLY strict, you have to be on your best behavior. He won’t tolerate anything that even begins to annoy him, so this is an excellent test to see how well you adapt to eccentric human behaviors.”
“Uh, Sebastian?” quips Spitfire. “I see a little flaw in your plan. What’s gonna make us even WANT to put up with him if he’s such an asshole?”
I give her a grin. “You haven’t tasted his soup yet.”
With that, I walk up to the counter with the irate chef eyeing me. Standing military style, I give my order loud and clear: “French onion soup, please?”
Almost grudgingly, the mustachioed man serves me a thick, steaming helping of the heavenly concoction in a styrofoam bowl. “Seven dollars,” he demands with a thick European accent.
I obediently hand him the money and receive the soup, my hands trembling. With a bow, I step away from the counter and head towards the table where my students are waiting.
Mackintosh gives me a smirk. “Layin’ it on a little thick, ain’t ya?”
I simply thrust the bowl out in front of him. “Just try it, and you’ll understand it all.”
The ginger rolls his eyes and takes a sip. Almost immediately, they pop back open in surprise, his pupils dilating to an impossible width. He releases the bowl with a gasp. “Sweet sisters…” he mutters, “that was… amazin’!”
I smile as I pass it to Spitfire. “You try. It’ll change your life.”
With a skeptical glance, Spitfire takes the bowl and sips a little. Within seconds, she seems to be hyperventilating with pure ecstasy. “That was… whoa!” she declares.
“Ooh, gimme!” demands Pinkie Pie, snatching the bowl from the flame haired girl. She takes a big gulp of the stuff before letting out a satisfied sigh. “Oh, YES!” she declares. “THAT hit the spot!”
She passes it to Rarity, who gives it a disdainful little sniff. “Not to be rude, darling, but I doubt that this particular dish suits my taste. Surely, he must serve salads along with his soup?”
I groan. “If you don’t try it, you’ll fail, Rarity.”
She gives an exasperated sigh. “Very well, then. I’ll endure this… calorie-ridden catastrophe.” She takes a dainty sip from the bowl, only to open her eyes wide in shock. “Oh my… It’s like… it’s like velvet and silk, and it’s got a small tang that only accents the texture! Dear Luna, I think I might just faint!” With this, she swoons, only to be captured by a small velvet cushion.
I smirk at this. “Pfft. Drama queen. So, who’s next?”
Derpy eagerly steps up. I pass her the small Styrofoam bowl, and she nearly tips the bowl over in excitement. After a satisfying gulp, she passes it to Twilight with a grin. “You should really try this, Twi!”
Twilight looks at it with slight disgust. “But you guys already drank out of it…”
“Looks like someone’s gonna FA-IL,” I say in a sing-song voice.
She quickly downs the remaining soup. “WOW! That was AMAZING! How does he make this soup?!”
I quickly shut her up. “What are you doing?!” I whisper to her urgently. “You want to get us kicked out?!”
She looks rather surprised. “What do you—”
“Look, the Soup Nazi’s REALLY protective of his recipes. He nearly went out of business because one girl stole his cook book and he had to move out! DO YOU WANT THE CREATOR OF THIS MAGNIFICENT MEAL TO LEAVE US?! DO YOU?!?!?”
“No, but—”
“That’s what I thought!” I cut her off. “Now, who wants to volunteer to go first?”
Mac steps up, and approaches the counter with a stoic expression. “Ah’ll have a vegetarian gumbo, if ya please.”
The Soup Nazi narrows his eyes suspiciously. “You have funny accent,” he says in a funny accent. “You poking fun at me?”
“Eenope,” Mac replies, keeping his stone-like calm.
He looks him over one last time before pouring him a bowl full. “Eight dollars,” he commands. Mac calmly hands him the money, takes his soup, and silently walks back to our table.
I give him an approving nod. “Nicely done, Mac.”
“'Tweren’t nuthin’ particularly challengin’,” he shrugs. “Some guys just don’t like tah deal with people.”
Twilight doesn’t seem to agree. “Hmm… I think you were a little too intimidated, Mac. For all you know, he could have really wanted you to talk to him!”
I shake my head. “Twi, we have to respect his boundaries. It’s a beautiful system, really: he gives us soup, and we leave him the fuck alone. It’s as simple as that!”
“Well, I think he just needs a friend!” she declares, heading over to the counter. “Besides, he might give us free soup afterwards!”
“Twi, you’re asking for it…” I mutter under my breath. “You’re gonna ruin everything!”
She just rolls her eyes and gives the Soup Nazi a friendly smile. “Hi! I’m Twi— I mean, I’m Tina Sparks! What’s your name?”
The chef gives her a look that says: “I have no time for your shit right now, little girl.”
Despite being clearly intimidated, Twi presses on. “So… I heard you talking to my friend, and I heard your accent. Are you European?”
“Yes,” he states gruffly.
“Um… Where are you from?”
“Does not matter,” he replies. “Order now. You are holding up line.”
Twilight backs down and meekly places her order. “I’ll have a leek soup, please?”
He ladles out some of the hot soup into the bowl. “Six dollars,” he demands.
Twilight reaches into her purse and pulls out the money. The chef, in turn, roughly snatches the bills from her hand. As she’s leaving, Twilight looks into her bag and seems to be disgruntled. “Um, excuse me? You forgot the bread.”
The Soup Nazi turns around. “What?”
“Um, it’s just that the sign says that the soup comes with bread, and I don’t have any. I mean, it’s a common mistake, there’s no need to—”
“You want bread?” he asks aggressively.
“Yes, please,” Twilight replies eagerly.
“THREE DOLLARS!” the Nazi shouts.
Twilight’s taken aback. “Why would I—”
“NO SOUP FOR YOU!” declares the Soup Nazi, snatching the bag away from the girl.
“But— but you can’t do that!” she says, clearly shocked.
With a sneer, the Soup Nazi points out a sign above the counter. The words “WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE” are clearly written in bold.
Twilight gasps a little. “B— b— but I’ll fail…”
“NEXT!” the chef roars.
Dejectedly, Twilight sits down with us as if someone near and dear to her had just died. “I failed…”
Derpy pats the poor girl’s back. “Aw, don’t worry Twilight. He’s just a big old meany-pants, that’s all!”
Rarity turns up her nose. “The nerve of that cretin! Why, I have half a mind to go over there and demand that he sells you his soup! In fact, I’m going to do just that!” With the air of self-righteousness, she stomps over to the counter, where the irate European was waiting.
“What you want?” he asks gruffly.
“Listen well, you barbarian: my friend was willing to pay you good money in order to grace your restaurant with her business. I can understand having the right to pick and choose your customers, but this is disgraceful!” she raved. “I have never, in all my days, seen a man so un-gentlemanly that he refuses a lady his service! I demand that you give her a complimentary dish in order to atone for your lack of respect!”
He gives her a look. “You think I give your friend free soup?”
“Hmph! I should hope so!”
“Well, you are WRONG!!” he barks “NO SOUP FOR YOU!!”
Suddenly, all her righteous anger disappears, and her eyes widen in shock. “What?!”
“COME BACK ONE YEAR!!” he orders. “NEXT!!”
Her entire figure starts trembling in rage. “WELL, FINE!” she spits out spitefully, “WE DON’T NEED TO EAT AT YOUR TACKY LITTLE RESTAURANT ANYWAYS!!” She turns to us expectantly. “Come, darlings, we’re leaving!”
Everyone suddenly gets nervous. “Well…” starts Spitfire.
“It’s just that, we were kinda waiting in line,” explains Derpy sheepishly.
The violet-haired woman looks up at me in shock. “Surely, Sebastian, you should be gentlemanly enough to accompany me?”
I immediately turn to the Soup Nazi. “I have no idea who she is, I swear!”
Rarity turns to Mac. “Please, Mackintosh, darling, I know YOU won’t leave a lady waiting!”
Mac shrugs. “Ah’m sorry, Miss Rarity. Ah kinda want seconds…”
“Pinkie!” she cries, almost desperately. “Surely, you wouldn’t leave me hanging here?”
“Are you KIDDING?!” she gasps. “I would NEVER leave… this SOUP!! I mean, it’s AWESOME!!”
“No matter!” Rarity declares confidently. “Twilight and I can leave you to your precious soup! Come, darling. We can leave these Neanderthals to their work.”
Twilight gulps a little. “Um… you know, he never exactly told me that I couldn’t get soup today. Maybe I’ll just wait until he cools down…”
“Et tu, Twilight?!” Rarity huffs in frustration. “But you know what? A lady knows when to cut her losses. I’ll be at the apartment, if anyone’s interested!” With one last spiteful glance at us, she storms out of the restaurant.
I sigh in relief. “Alright, crisis averted. Pinkie Pie, you’re up!”

Several Minutes Later…

“…and then I said, ‘Oatmeal?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!’”
Amazingly, Pinkie Pie managed the impossible: making the Soup Nazi smile. No, that’s an understatement: by the end of the story, the big European was bellowing in laughter, smacking his fists against the steel counter-top.
Pinkie gives me a grin, which I return. Wow, leave it to Pinkie Pie.
“So, how much do I owe you?” she asks cheerfully.
“For you, little friend?” he asks, wiping the tears out of his eyes. “You come here, you get free soup FOREVER!”
“Wow, thanks, Yev! See you tomorrow!”
He gives her a genuine grin. “I remember to make the zucchini soup EXTRA special for you, Pinkie!”
She gives him a happy little wave and skips cheerfully to us, and I give her a congratulatory high five. “Whoa, Pinkie! I don’t think the Soup Nazi’s been that cheerful since… well, ever!”
“Silly Sebastian, he just needed a grin, that’s all!” she replies, patting me on the head indulgently.
Twilight’s eyes are wide open in shock. “Bu— bu— but HOW?!?!”
“Silly Twilight!” giggles the pink-haired girl. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” And with that, she skips off with the others.
Twilight just stands there, trying to comprehend what just happened. “But, I mean, she just, and then, but I—”
Spitfire gives Twilight a comforting pat on the back. “Don’t try to explain it, Twi. It’s Pinkie Pie. Logic has no place in these situations.”
The violet-haired girl lets out a weary sigh. “I guess you’re right… Do you think he’s in a good mood now?”
Spitfire shrugs. “I guess. He seemed pretty cool around Pinkie. Maybe he’s finally chilled out.”
“Okay, well, here I go… again.” With a nervous squeak, she prepares to go into the dragon’s cave once more.
“She’s gonna fail, isn’t she?” whispers Spitfire.
“Definitely,” I respond.
“Should we help her?”
“Nah… she’s gotta learn sometime!” I grin.
We turn to see that Twilight had already reached the counter. Unlike last time, she was meekly peering across the counter-top, as if waiting for something to explode. “I— I’ll have a leek soup, please?”
The Soup Nazi narrows his eyes, but says nothing and simply pours her the steamy liquid. “Six dollars,” he commands.
Twilight quickly hands him the money, as if expecting to get shocked. He grunts a little and hands her the bag. “Here is soup. Now leave.”
Twilight looks into her bag and smiles meekly. “Ha, you put the bread in this time,” she chuckles nervously.
“You pushing luck, little girl,” the Soup Nazi growls.
Twilight gulps and quickly scurries to our table, hyperventilating the whole way. “Oh dear sisters, that was scary!”
“Good job, Twi!” I smile. “Spitfire, you’re up next.”

Approximately Seventeen Minutes Later…

“Well, that wasn’t so bad!” says Derpy cheerfully, throwing away her bowl. “I mean, we got our soup, right?”
“Ah wonder how Miss Rarity’s doin’…” asks Big Mac. “Ah mean, she seemed right mad when she left.”
“Rarity’s always a drama queen!” laughs Spitfire, sipping her matzo ball soup. “She’ll get over it!”
“I’m just glad we got that over with!” sighs Twilight. “That guy’s starting to scare me…”
“You’ll get used to that,” I chuckle. “Now, I hope you guys’ll be ready for the next part of the exam.”
“What are we going to do this time?” asks Twilight. “Rob a bank?”
“No… I have something else in mind.”
> Chapter The Tenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Tenth, or "In Which the Equestrians are at the DMV"


As I pull up to the building, I feel a familiar sense of horror and foreboding. Here is a site of pure evil, whose name struck even the toughest of men with fear and left the most secure man with nightmares for weeks to come: The Department of Motor Vehicles.

Approximately Two Hours Prior…

“Shy?” I call out as I walk into the kitchen. “You up yet?”
Fluttershy comes in, clad in a white bathrobe with purple trimming. “Good morning, Sebastian,” she yawns. “How did you sleep, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Alright, I guess,” I answer. “Where’s Mac?”
“Oh, Mackie couldn’t stay for breakfast,” she explains, absentmindedly opening the refrigerator. “He and Applejack are looking for jobs.” A syrupy smile slowly spreads across her face. “He had a very special way of saying sorry for it though—”
“Too much info, Shy!” I groan. She squees with embarrassment and busies herself making breakfast.
Suddenly, a knock comes from the door. “I’ll get it,” I grumble as I get up from the table. I open it to find a green-haired kid about twelve years old gorging himself on ice cream.
“Hey Sebastian,” he says nonchalantly.
“Uh, hi Spike,” I answer awkwardly. “Say… isn’t it a bit too early for ice cream?”
“It’s never too early for ice cream, Sebastian,” he assures me, helping himself to another spoonful. “ESPECIALY not Rocky Road!”
“Right… and Twilight’s ok with you giving yourself diabetes?”
He snorts in laughter. “Are you kidding? She’s so wrapped up with studying for that driver’s quiz that the Four Horses of the Apocalypse couldn’t distract her!”
“I see. So, you want me to snap her out of it?”
His eyebrows shoot up in alarm. “What?! No!! Not yet!! I still haven’t gotten to my fifth carton!”
“So why did you come here?”
He shrugs. “I dunno. I thought you might have some cherries or something.”
I sigh. “First shelf on the left, next to the eggs.”
With a grin, he skips into the apartment. I follow him, signaling for Fluttershy to come closer. “Listen, I’m going to Twilight’s apartment to stop her from memorizing every car manual ever written,” I whisper, “make sure Spike doesn’t choke on his ice cream, ok?”
“Oh dear… I’ll try!” she promises me, and she goes off. “Spike? Oh, please don’t eat those cherries… I mean, if it’s not a bother!”
I then turn to the hallway to Twilight’s apartment, which is conveniently located right across from mine. After knocking and waiting for about ten minutes, I just decide to walk in.
Like the Princesses’ suite, Twilight’s apartment has been enchanted to be bigger on the inside, allowing room for several hundred shelves of books, scrolls, tomes, and even some artifacts. In the center of it all is a disheveled Twilight Sparkle, her face almost literally pressed up against the computer screen. “Oh, hey Ivan!” she calls distractedly. “Don’t worry, I won’t fail this time! I’ve been up since yesterday getting ready! I’ll pass on my first try!”
“Uh, Twilight?” I ask unsurely, cautiously getting closer to her. “You won’t have to worry. It’s a state test; they do their hardest to make it easy.”
“Oh, but it’s not just studying!” she replies hurriedly. “I had to get the Psychic Papers ready for everyone, organize our appointments, pack snacks, and everything! After all, the DMV is one of the least productive government facilities spread across the United States! We could be there for days!”
“We are not going to be there for— actually,” I stop myself, remembering the time I had to pay a parking ticket. THE LINES!!! OH, THE HORRID LINES THAT TAKE FOREVER!!! “Maybe that isn’t such a bad idea… Still, how can you drive if you’re all tired? You’ll fail the test for sure!”
“Got that covered too!” she giggles madly, eyes still locked on the screen. “I’ve been drinking those wonderful things you drink before you go to your job. What did you call them? Energy drinks?”
“…How many did you drink?”
“Oh, about seventeen,” she answers absent-mindedly.
SWEET JESUS! Okay, I’ve got an already slightly unstable girl who has enough psychic energy to take down New York City, and now she’s hopped up on seventeen 9 Hour Energies. How screwed am I? Suddenly, an idea pops into my head. “You know, Twi, they do a drug test on you before you drive,” I mention slyly.
“So?” she asks. “I’m clean!”
“Ah, but you don’t look that way!” I reply swiftly. “They’re going to get suspicious.”
“Well, I’ve got nothing to hide!” she declares. “They can check me all they want and they won’t find anything!
“Maybe, the police still mark it on your permanent record as ‘suspicious behavior’. I mean, that stays with you your whole life…”
Her eyes widen in shock. “No. It can’t be!”
“Ah, well!” I sigh. “I’m sure no one will blame you for having an ALMOST perfect record…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” she screeches, and she automatically encircles herself in a purple aura. She glows a brilliant violet, and then promptly slams her head into the desk.
I lean in to check if she’s alright. Sure enough, she’s snoring away peacefully, apparently already dreaming. “So she does have a detox spell!” I chuckle. “That might come in handy for later…”

Back at the DMV…

“Mvphskd… yes, the answer is Grifski…” Twilight mutters as we sit on the DMV bench.
Applejack laughs. “Man, Ah cain’t believe she slept through us trying to find a parking spot, waitin’ in this here line fer at least a good hour, AND that fat feller trippin’ on the rug!”
Beside her, a gruff-looking guy with brown hair groans. “How in Luna’s name did you win AGAIN, Pinkie?”
Pinkie Pie just grins. “Aw, come on, Joey! I’ve only won 49 games out of 53! I’m sure you’ll win the next one!”
Donut Joe just rips the paper in half. “Forget it, Pinkie Pie, I’m never playing tic-tac-toe with you again.” Turning to me, he gives me an almost threatening look. “Are we there yet?”
I look at the ticket, and then look to the corresponding electric sign. “Nope, there are still fifteen people ahead of us. Get used to this, buddy, we’re gonna be here a while!” I smirk.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash is keeping herself occupied with my cellphone. “C’mon, you stupid game, just give me a line piece!!” she growls under her breath.
Applejack eyes the rainbow-haired girl for a while. “She’s sure havin’ fun over there, ain’t she? Ah’d never thought she’d be happy to stay in a line!”
“That’s the power of Tetris, my dear! It’s addictive enough to even keep Rainbow Dash occupied!”
“Well, Ah still say she’s gonna fry a few brain cells if she keeps at it this hard.”
Suddenly, Twilight wakes up. “STOP SIGN!” she yells at the top of her lungs. However, when she realizes where she is, she calms down. “Oh hey guys!” she yawns. “Are we there yet?”
“Not yet,” growls Joe. “We aren’t even close. How the hell have you people survived this all your lives?!”
“With a little thing known as the cellphone app,” I reply serenely. “Anyways, it looks like the line’s picking up! I bet you we’ll be there in ten minutes, tops!”

THREE HOURS LATER

“Finally!” groans Applejack. “That took forever!”
“Really?” asks Twilight. “I thought it started going by super quick when we started playing my review game!”
“That’s what made it so hard,” sniggers Joe.
I elbow him in the ribs. “Alright you guys, you just do your thing, and I’ll be waiting outside. Good luck!”
All of them leave for the testing area except Rainbow Dash. “Just one more round,” she declares, keeping a tight grip on my phone.
I firmly take it out of her hands. “Go!”
“Fine.”

Approximately One Hour Later

“So, how’d you guys do?” I ask as my companions come out of the testing area.
“Aced it in ten seconds flat, man!” crows Rainbow Dash smugly.
Close behind her, a little man is running for the bathroom, already tinted green. “It’s time to retire,” he mutters to himself before flinging open the door.
“Pfft. Wimp!”
Pinkie Pie comes bouncing out of the car as well. “I did great, too! The instructor said I had ‘special skills’!”
Yeah, maybe as a kamikaze, I think to myself, eyeing the instructor’s expression of sheer horror of what she had just released on the road. “What about you, Joe?”
“Eh, it wasn’t so bad,” he admits. “Got an eight out of ten.”
“Well, mah instructor couldn’t tell a wheel from a chicken!” fumes AJ. “Told me Ah had tah come back some other time! Can you believe the NERVE of that lady?!”
“…So, how’d you do, Twi?” I ask nervously, trying hard to change the subject.
The violet-haired girl smiled. “I did alright.”
Her instructor, a skinny guy with a green tie, comes up and shakes her hand over and over. “You were amazing, Miss Sparks!” he cries ecstatically. “I’ve never in my life seen a student get a thirty out of ten on the exam! My Lord! You even knew where the pebbles were on the side of the road!”
Twi blushes bashfully. “Well, thank you, Mr. Sanders!”
“Miss Sparks, it would be my honor if we could discuss your triumph over dinner? Perhaps somewhere in town?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m busy today! Maybe another time?”
This puts the poor guy out almost immediately. “Oh… Alright— I—I’ll see you around then…”
Twilight looks bemused as the man slowly walks away. “What happened? He looked so happy!”
I chuckle. “You just rejected the poor guy, Twi. Give him time to heal.”
“Rejected?” she repeats. “I just told him I was busy!”
“So you will go out on a date with him?”
“Date?!” she gasps. “He just wanted to have dinner!”
Rainbow Dash just gives me a knowing smile. “She’s normally like this, man. Get used to it.”
“I figured,” I grin. “Come on, lunch is on me.”
And with that, our little group leaves Twilight to ponder over what she really just did. I just hope they're ready for the last test, I think to myself.
> Chapter the Eleventh
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Eleventh, or "In Which the Equestrians Get to Work"



I look out at the crowd of people in the lobby with the same air as a child looking for his Christmas presents. The past few weeks have been the most fun I’ve had in ages! The tests themselves were entertaining to say the least (Fluttershy had actually made the Soup Nazi cry, and Lyra insisted that Gilda rammed her car into a brick wall during her driving test), but the most fun I’ve had was definitely from my students: as I, Lyra, and Twilight shared the responsibilities of monitoring the tests (Twilight took the tests anyways, for some reason), I got to know even more about these great people and their stories. Sure, I still don’t know all of them… but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!
As I peek outside again, I feel a soft hand touch me on the shoulder. “Sebastian?” asks a female voice. I turn around to see none other than Twilight Sparkle, looking a bit nervous herself. “Could we talk about something?”
I raise an eyebrow. “What about, Twi?”
She opens her mouth to explain, but before she can, Lyra pops in with a slightly manic grin on her face. “Alright, crew, are you ready to do this?” she asks tersely.
Twilight sighs and gives me a soft smile. “I’ll ask you afterwards.”
I shrug. “Whatever. Let’s just get this show on the road!”
We all step outside to see the crowd of people awaiting us. As usual, Twilight starts us off: “Hey guys,” she smiles. “Thanks for helping make this training procedure easy for all of us. I’m proud to say that most of you have passed your exams with flying colors!”
A series of whoops come from the crowd. I look to find Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash both in game jerseys, flaunting soda hats, foam fingers, and air horns. Their respective boyfriends, however, don’t seem as excited.
“…Anyways,” I continue, “there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that there’s only one more exam to go through. The bad news is that this might be the most challenging one to pull off. For your final exam, you’ll all have to find jobs.”
A collective groan goes through the lobby. I chuckle a little at their reluctance. “Now, I realize that some of you have already gotten back into full swing of your old lives: the Cakes, I hear, just opened up a bakery near Centennial Olympic Park,” I say, nodding towards the family of four. “The problem is that some of your former professions have no human equivalent, or at least not one that correlates to a modern job. With that in mind, it is imperative that you find a steady source of income by the end of the week. Don’t worry about documentation, because as most of you already know, Derpy has graciously arranged for psychic papers to be made for each of you to pass through the legal paperwork. If you need help finding a job that’s right for you; please, feel free to talk to Twilight, Lyra, or myself. Thank you guys once again, and happy job hunting!”
After a little applause, everyone leaves the lobby, talking about tonight’s rather abrupt lecture. The usual gang comes up to us: Pinkie Pie, Donut Joe, Soarin, Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, Fluttershy, Big Mac, Applejack, Spike, and Rarity. I take this opportunity to ask the question that was on everyone’s mind: “What the hell are you two doing with all that sports gear?” I ask incredulously.
Pinkie Pie gives me a grin. “Dashie and I were just watching a game, but then we decided to bring our stuff here to cheer you on!”
“Oh, uh… thanks, I guess.”
“Who’s winnin’?” asks Mackintosh tentatively.
“The Saints are beating the Giants 21 to 15!” Rainbow Dash grins triumphantly.
Applejack gives her brother a leer. “Ya heard the lady, ya big lug. Pay up!”
With a growl, Mackintosh slaps five dollars into Applejack’s hand. “Here ya go, ya cheap little—”
“Mackintosh!” gasps Rarity in shock. “I thought you were a gentleman! May I remind you of our current company?!”
Spike grumbles a little. “I’m not that young…”
“Anyways,” I interrupt, “have you guys gotten jobs yet? I know a few job fairs popping up, if you’re interested.”
Mackintosh shakes his head. “AJ and Ah got jobs at the conservatory. They needed a few farmers working over there anyways.”
Rarity gives me a smile. “Thank you for the offer, darling, but I’ve already secured a job worthy of my talents. Job hunting won’t be necessary.”
Spitfire also gives me a grin. “Don’t worry, teach, we already snagged a job over at the airport.”
My eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. “You guys are PILOTS now?!”
Rainbow Dash gives me a smirk. “Well, DUH! Just 'cause we aren’t allowed to fly in plain sight doesn’t mean you can keep us grounded! Trust me; flying a plane’s a breeze!”
Soarin rolls his eyes. “You know, we're still JUST trainees. We aren’t even allowed outside of the state.”
“Whatever!” Dash exclaims. “It only takes like, what, a month? It’ll fly by!”
Pinkie Pie also looks excited. “The Cakes gave me and Joey jobs at their new bakery! It’s going to be SOOOO much fun! We’re gonna make cakes, and pies, and donuts, and—”
I look at Joe sympathetically. “Dude, I’m so sorry.”
He shrugs. “After a while, it gets kinda cute.”
“—and strudels, and breads, and candies, and—” Pinkie Pie continues, practically singing now.
Fluttershy shakes her head and smiles. “I, um, got a job at that nice veterinarian’s office nearby…”
I grin. “That’s great, Shy! I knew you could do it!”
She blushes. “Oh, I wasn’t so sure. I think he was only being nice…”
“Are ya’ll kiddin’?!” asks Big Mac. “No one deserves that job more than ya’ll, darlin’!”
Her face reddens even more. “Oh, I don’t think so…”
Rarity squeals in delight. “Oh, I’ve got the perfect little dress for you to go in on your first day of work! Something practical, and chic, and—”
Once again, Twilight taps me on the shoulder, nervous. “Um, Sebastian, we REALLY need to talk.”
I sigh and follow her as we leave the others to their own conversations. When we reach a safe distance away from the group, I eye Twilight suspiciously. “Why did we need to leave the group?” I ask.
Twilight blushes a little. “Well, what I really needed to ask you was—”
Suddenly, a chill goes down my spine. I sense a grave disturbance in the force… as if some poor fool was allowing Pinkie Pie access to caffeine. I turn to find that, sure enough, someone had been foolish enough to leave an iced coffee a mere two feet from the pink menace. She and I lock eyes, and at that moment, I know that shit is about to go down.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Pinkie leaps up at least three feet in the air, surprising all around her. Reacting to this, I dive for the coffee. No good. She scoops the cup off the counter with a triumphant grin before pursing her lips, going for the straw, and—
“NOPE!” declares Joe, snatching away the frosty beverage. “You know what happens when you drink this stuff, Pinkie.”
Pinkie gives him a sheepish grin. “Uh, I was only going to drink a little bit, I swear!”
Joe was not amused, judging by his stony face. “Right…”
Pinkie Pie starts sweating bullets. “Please, Joey!” she begs hoarsely. “I NEED this!”
He just shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Pinkie. This is for your own good.”
She suddenly gets a mischievous grin on her face. “Oh, I know what’ll make you change your mind…” she leans over and whispers something in his ear, but other than a blush, Joe stands firm.
“Not that I doubt that you could go on for that long, Pinkie, but seeing as we just got jobs, I don’t think we can get away with three straight weeks locked up in our room.”
The pink-haired menace blanches. “Oh yeah…”
Shaking my head, I turn back to Twilight, who has the same look of exasperated amusement on her face. “I’ll never get used to that, will I?” I sigh.
She gives me a smile. “It’s Pinkie Pie. You never get used to her.”
“Fair point. Now, what was it that you wanted to ask me?”
“Oh… right.” She takes a deep breath before steeling herself up. “Well, what I wanted to ask you is—”
“Hey Sebastian!” calls Rainbow Dash. “Soarin, Spitfire, Gilda, and me are going to get some shots! You coming with?”
I shake my head. “Sorry, Dash. I don’t drink.”
“Who said you had to drink?” she grins. “I just wanted a designated driver!”
Soarin gives me an apologetic look. “It’s been a little too long since Dash had a drink, and she’s apparently curious to see what human alcohol tolerance is.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, good luck with that. Make sure Dash and Gilda don’t kill anybody.”
Spitfire gives me a flirty wink. “No promises,” she teases, and the trio goes off, presumably in search of their fourth member.
I sigh. “You know what, Twi? Let’s just go up to my place. At least we won’t get interrupted there.”
For a second, I could have sworn that I saw a tint of red rise up on Twilight’s cheeks, but she just nods quickly. “Yeah, sure. Your place sounds nice. Let’s go there.”

At My Place…

I open the door to my room and gesture for Twilight to come in. Other than the massive amounts of ferret tubing (yes, there is a difference between hamster and ferret tubing, don’t ask) running across the walls, it’s rather unremarkable. I sit down behind my computer desk and invite the nervous girl to sit down on my bed. “Alright, Twi: what’s up?”
She starts rubbing her arm nervously, eyes darting around the room. I catch her uncomfortable gaze and grin. “I’m not going to eat you, Twilight. Just tell me what you wanted to talk about.”
She laughs a little at my joke before getting serious. “Well… It’s just that, we’ve known each other for a while, right?”
“One month, two weeks, and three days, to be exact.”
She looks at me strangely before continuing. “I just thought… Well, since we know each other so well now, maybe we could start… you know… working together?”
I look at her quizzically. “What do you mean?”
She blushes and continues. “Well, I know how much you want a secretary for your office, and I thought that—”
“YES!!!” I cry, jumping up from my seat. “You get the job, Twi! Dear God, you have NO IDEA how much I need this!”
She perks up immediately. “Really?!”
“Of course!” I laugh, throwing my arms around the girl. “I mean, you’re talented, you’re intelligent, my boss is going to LOVE you! Show up tomorrow at six and I’ll drive you to the firm!”
“Oh, thanks Sebastian!” she cries happily, hugging me back. “I mean, I just can’t believe my lu—”
“Uh, are y’all in the middle of sumthin’? Cause ya’ll know, we can leave.”
We both turn to see the group staring at us from the doorway. Big Mac, AJ, and Joe have smug looks on their faces; Rarity looks like she’s fighting off the giggles; Pinkie Pie is bouncing up and down excitedly; Fluttershy’s face is cherry red, and it looks like she has no idea whether to be happy or terrified; and Spike, of course, just looks weirded out. “What’s going on here?” the green-haired boy asks accusingly.
Twilight and I separate instantly, both of us flushing instantly. “THIS ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!!” I swear.
AJ chuckles softly. “Now, where have Ah heard that one before?”
“We were just celebrating!” stammers Twilight.
“Right. Celebrating.” Joe smirks.
“Twilight and Sebastian, sitting in a tree; K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” chants Pinkie Pie.
I sigh. I’m never going to live this down, am I?
> Chapter the Twelfth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Twelfth, or "In Which I Get Worked Hard


I bite my lip in anticipation and excitement. No way would I rather be anywhere else, I think to myself as I look around the room. The fact that I am chained up spread eagle on a table has no effect on my mood; if anything, it just makes me more excited for what is to come.
After what seems like ages, the star of the show appears. Dressed in a skin-tight leather jumpsuit and sporting a leather riding crop, Spitfire leers at me in a predatory fashion. “All right, you naughty boy,” she growls. “Are you ready for your punishment?”
I nod excitedly, feeling the blood flow through my nose. “As always, Mistress Spitfire.”
She lifts her head up high and cackles before fixing her eyes on me. “Oh, you’ve been sooo bad,” she whispers seductively. With that, she lifts up the riding crop, gives me one last sneer, and—
“WAKE UP, SEBASTIAN!!!”
I leap out of my bed. “SWEET JUMPING JESUS!!!” I yelp, automatically feeling the harsh beams of the light in my eyes.
“Morning, sleepy-head!” greets a chipper voice. I look up to find a smiling Twilight Sparkle, dressed in a pink pencil skirt, purple argyle sweater vest over a white dress shirt, and some black high heels. Glasses with hot pink plastic frames and a pair of star earrings complete the whole secretary look.
Normally, I’d be happy to find her (or anyone dressed like that, for that matter) at my bedside, but considering that it was a Monday morning, my jimmies remained rustled. “What are you doing here, Twi?” I growl.
She laughs. “Oh, come on, how did you forget? It’s my first day of work! You’re supposed to show me around, remember?”
“You’re fired. Problem solved.” I grunt, burying my face back into my pillow and praying that I could continue my dream.
She sighs and just telepathically lifts me from my bed, sheets and all. “Come on, Sebastian, I think it’d be embarrassing for you if your secretary got to work before you did.”
“May I remind you that my secretary also woke me up—,” I check my alarm clock, “TWO HOURS before I had to go to work?! I mean, really, WHO DOES THAT?!”
“That’s why you hired me!” she giggles. “Now hurry up and get changed! I want to get there early enough to check out the building!”
I groan and get out of bed. “Confound these ponies…” As I reach my closet I look out from the corner of my eye to see that Twilight is sitting on my bed, looking at me expectantly. “Uh, Twi? This is normally the part where you leave and let me get dressed. You know, in privacy?”
“I’ve always wanted to examine human male anatomy!” she explains. “I figured, ‘why not with you?’”
“Uh… Thanks?” There are three ways this can play out: the REALLY good way, the REALLY awkward way, or the REALLY bad way. I don’t see any way she can pull out a giant dissection table, so this is probably going to go the second way. “Listen Twi, not to offend you or anything, but this is really weird for me, sooo—”
“Oh, don’t worry! I’ve got a way to fix that!” She closes her eyes in concentration, and a purple aura gathers around her hands. Pretty soon, she starts to fade, until she’s completely transparent. “Okay, I’m invisible!” she calls. “Just pretend like I’m not even here!”
I roll my eyes. “I’m going to go change in the bathroom…”
“Wow, that’s exactly what Spike told me!”

After I Change…

I step into the kitchen to find Fluttershy, Twilight, and Big Mac are all sitting at the table. As I reach for the cereal at the top of the fridge, I give Mackintosh and Fluttershy a look. “Would you guys mind keeping it down a bit?” I ask grumpily. “Your ‘nightly activities’ are starting to affect my dreams.”
Fluttershy flushes a deep red. “Oh dear, I’m sorry… did you dream the part about—”
“Yes, the riding crop,” I cut her off. “Look, I know this is Fluttershy’s apartment too, and you guys can’t do… THAT at Mac’s place, but at least try not to yell at the top of your lungs.”
Mac grins sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry about that… She’s an animal, Ah tell ya!”
“And now I’ve lost my appetite,” I groan, throwing the cereal across my shoulder. “Come on, Twi, the chariot awaits!”
Twilight scoops up the last of the yoghurt in her mouth and waves to the happy couple. “Bye, you guys! Good luck at your jobs!”
As we step outside, who should we bump into but my “mistress” herself? “Hey you guys!” Spitfire smiles. She’s dressed in a (rather attractive) dark blue pilot’s uniform. “You going to work too?”
Twilight nods. “Sebastian’s going to show me around the office so that I can get a better feel for the job!”
Spitfire gives her a smirk. “Wow, you make being a pencil pusher sound SOOO exciting! Meanwhile, us poor airplane pilots are stuck flying around a stupid hunk of junk a mile off the ground! What I wouldn’t GIVE to trade places with you.”
“Hey, it’s not boring!” I say defensively. “We’re one of the few private criminal prosecutors in the country! The cops come to us and BEG for us to look at their cases!”
“Wow, how THRILLING! Wasn’t your last case about some guy trying to sneak bombs on to an airplane by shoving them up his—”
“IT WAS VERY HIGH PROFILE!!!” I yell. “I MADE THE COVER OF POPULAR LAW’S MOST BRILLIANT LAWYER OF 2019 FOR THAT CASE!!!”
She rolls her eyes. “It looks like he wasn’t the only one getting butthurt.”
“YEAAAAAAAH!!!” comes a victory cry from down the hall. We all turn to find Rainbow Dash, Soarin, and Gilda walking down the hall, all dressed in similar uniforms as Spitfire. Rainbow Dash has a devilish grin on her face. “I’m sorry, but do you want some water for that third degree BURN?!” she cackles.
Soarin puts a hand on the rainbow-haired girl’s shoulder. “Alright, Dashie, I think we put him through enough pain.”
I give Soarin a grateful smile. “Thank you Soari—”
“BECAUSE SPITFIRE’S ABOUT TO PUT SEBASTIAN IN A DOG COLLAR AND MAKE HIM HER BITCH!!!” he laughs, giving his girlfriend a high five.
“Oh, FUCK you guys!” I growl. “C’mon Twi, let’s go.” With that, I curtly walk down the stairs, my purple haired secretary following close behind.
“Aw, c’mon you big baby!” calls Spitfire. “We were just kidding!”
“I’ll see you guys after work!” I call back.
As the two of us reach the car, I notice Twilight get increasingly nervous. “What’s up, Twi?”
“Nothing… I’m just a bit scared. I mean, this is the first time I’ve actually worked at a human job!”
“Trust me, everyone will love you there,” I assure her. “I mean you might as well just sit back and enjoy your last day of not being expected to do any work.”
“But what if I’m no good? I mean, so many things could go wrong! I could mess up your files, call people the wrong names, accidently burn down the building—”
“It’ll be FINE, Twi! Just try to relax and take everything in, alright?”
“Okay…”
I turn the ignition and begin the drive. As Morris and Co. Law Firm is in the business district of Atlanta, we had a little time before we actually got to the building. Under normal circumstances, this would be great, except for the fact that Twilight decided to take it upon herself to constantly pester me about the car. “Hey, the check engine light is on!” she whispers urgently.
I shrug. “Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing.”
“Probably,” she whispers, “but there COULD be something wrong!”
“Okay, first off, WHY are you whispering?!” I ask.
“I… don’t know,” she admits sheepishly.
I sigh. “Look, I’ll check it later. Just try to relax and we’ll get there soon.”
“Fine…”
We both sit there in awkward silence as the steady sound of traffic goes on from outside of the car. Finally, I can’t take it anymore, so I turn to my companion and ask “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
She shakes her head quickly. “No, not at all!”
I smile and flip on the radio. The car is instantly filled with the sound of various wubs and static. “DAMN YOU VINYL SCRATCH!!!” I yell at the ceiling, and I instantly turn off the atrocious noise. “That is the LAST TIME I let her borrow the car!”
“So, uh… No music?” Twilight asks me nervously.
I shake my head. “We’re here, anyways.” I look outside to see the usual sight: a tall, blank building, pulled straight out of a hippie’s nightmare. The only thing that separates it from the other buildings is the plain black and white sign: “Morris and Co. Law Firm: Serving Atlanta est. 2012.”
I pull up to the parking lot to my usual spot and open the door. “C’mon, Twi,” I call from outside the car. “We’ve got about half an hour before everyone else gets here.”
“Coming!” she calls, and she steps out of the car with a thermos filled with dark coffee.
“I forgot it at the house, so I had to take a second to get it back.”
I shake my head. “How can you guys take teleporting all the time?”
She shrugs. “I guess it’s harder for humans to get used to. Now come on, I want to meet your boss!”
I scoff. “Trust me; you won’t want to see him after today.”
We step into the lobby, a rather cheaply decorated room staffed with only one receptionist. Despite the success of the firm, Mr Morris preferred to cut corners as much as possible.
“Hello, Shirley,” I say politely to the middle aged woman at the desk.
“Go fuck yourself, Sebastian,” she growls in reply, not even looking up from her nail filing.
“Glad to see you too, you saggy old bitch,” I mutter under my breath.
Twilight looks shocked. “Dear Sisters, what happened to her?”
“She’s always been like this,” I assure her. “You should see her at the Christmas parties, though; she’s a real riot then!” I stop by the mail boxes to check my mail. As I turn the combination, I feel a hot breath slide down my neck. “Uh, Twi, could you back up a bit? You’re kind of getting in my space.”
“Um, that’s not me…” she whimpers.
“You’re early,” growls a gruff voice. “You’re almost NEVER early!”
I feel a grin spread across my face. “Why hello there, Satan!” I greet cockily.
“Very funny, wise guy,” the voice growls back. I feel a rough hand on my shoulder turning me around, revealing a short, thickset man in his fifties with balding white hair and a square jaw. “Now tell me, why’d you get here so early, Espinosa?”
“Oh, Mr Morris, I thought you were someone else!” I chuckle. “I’m just showing my new secretary around the building, helping her get a grip on her job.”
He swiftly turns to Twilight and giving her a critical look. “So, you’re this new secretary Espinosa’s been raving about?”
She nods nervously. “Yes sir! I’m T-t-tina Sparks!”
He eyes her violet locks. “Is that your natural color?”
Twilight’s eyes open wide. “Of course not! I-I-I mean, humans aren’t born with purple hair!”
“Exactly,” he grunts. “You’ve got one week to wash that dye out of your hair or you’re wearing a hat every time you walk in my office. You got that?”
She nods meekly. “Yes sir…”
“And YOU!” he growls, turning to me once again. “If you start any of that funny business with THIS secretary, you can say goodbye to your Christmas bonus, we clear?”
“YES, DRILL SERGEANT!” I yell at the top of my lungs.
He sneers. “That’s what I like to hear." Turning to Twilight, he fixes a look on the poor girl. "Now, you’ve got a good fifteen minutes to look around the building, then straight to work at six. Lunch is from twelve to one, and you get out at three. Any and all overtime, you’ll get from your boss here. Do you understand?”
“Um… Yes, drill sergeant?”
The small man gives her a smirk. “You learn quickly, Miss Sparks. I’ve got a feeling we’ll get along fine. As you were.”
He marches off to the elevators, leaving Twilight completely mystified. “What was THAT all about?!”
I chuckle. “Mr Morris is an Iraqi veteran. He never quite recovered from the war.”
“How terrible!” she cries. “What happened to him there?”
“Nothing. He just never got over the training sessions.”
As we walk through the halls, I point out all the features of the building. “That’s the interns’ room,” I say, pointing at a ratty looking lounge next to the bathroom. “Never go there unless you’re going to yell at an intern. They like that. That, over there, is the evidence room. Only the techies are allowed there without Mr Morris’ permission. It’s also the only room with more than one bar of signal. That last room down the hallway is Mr Morris’ office. The only times you will enter it is if you have a death wish or Mr Morris calls you over. Not that those are necessarily two different things. Any questions?”
“Uh… Where’s your office?”
“Ah, THAT, my dear Miss Sparkle, is this lovely hovel right next to the break room. Remember, lawyers only. The secretary’s lounge is across the hall. Understand?”
Twilight has a look of resolve on her face. “I think so… anything else I need to know?”
“When Mr Morris calls for a staff meeting, he means EVERYONE: interns, secretaries, janitors, anyone who even BREATHES here on a daily basis.”
“Got it. So, when do we start?”
Suddenly, an ocean of people burst into the offices, each loaded with either papers or computers. Throughout the chaos, I see Twilight cling desperately to a nearby water tank. I give her the signal: “NOW!!!”

At Lunch…

I sit down at my usual spot in the break room, eating a lovely meal that Fluttershy had graciously made me. As I chew thoughtfully at the strange yet tasty tofu creation (no, seriously, Fluttershy can even make TOFU taste good), I’m approached by a shady-looking character who looks as if his hair is glued to his head. “Sup, Espinosa?” he grins.
I nod curtly at him. “Good day, Johnston. What brings you to my side of the break room?”
“Well, I was just going about my business when I saw a FIIIINE piece of tail walk inside your office! Care to elaborate?”
“Oh, that’s Tina, my new secretary. Why do you ask?”
“Why do I ask?! Seb, how long have we been working together?”
“Three years. And don’t call me Seb,” I growl.
“Exactly!” he laughs, completely ignoring my request. “Now, who gets all the bitches in this joint?”
“I’m pretty sure Marcos is winning,” I say, pointing out a tan man in his thirties hanging out with all the secretaries.
“Pfft! That foreigner has nothing on this fine American classic! No offense,” he adds quickly.
“Definitely offended, you racist American douchebag,” I growl.
“Anyways, you got her digits?”
“She lives in my building,” I explain. “Her place is actually right in front of my apartment.”
“DUUUUUDE!” he chants, grinning wolfishly. “You are like, the luckiest guy alive!”
“You have no idea,” I grumble.
“So, is she taken, or what?”
“She’s single, but she’s got a little brother, so…”
“Aw, man! That really sucks. I dated a girl with a little brother once. Little bastard wouldn’t leave me alone!”
“So you broke up with her?”
He suddenly starts to mope. “Actually, she broke up with me. But that’s beside the point! All I’m saying is that if she’s got a little dude running around her place, you can have her!”
I smirk. “How generous of you. Well, it’s been fun, but unfortunately, I’ve got to check up on my secretary. See you later, Johnston.”
“Later, man! And don’t forget to tell her to suck on deez!”
I pause for a minute. “Deeze wha—”
“DEEZE NUTS, MUTHFUCKA!!” he cackles, and he runs off, probably to go sexually harass some of the interns.
I sigh and shake my head. EVERY TIME! I walk towards the secretaries’ lounge to see that Twilight had already managed to secure a few of the secretaries into a loose group. “Hey Tina!” I call. “Let’s go, I’ve got a lot to show you!”
The other secretaries look at me reproachfully. Twilight, however, smiles nervously. “I’ll see you girls later,” she promises, and joins me at the doorway.
“What was that all about?” I asked my sheepish secretary.
“Nothing!” she assures me a bit hurriedly. “They’re just… in a bad mood!”
“Did they tell you what happened with my last secretary already?”
“No. What happened?”
“She and I… we got a bit frisky around to office…”
Twilight’s eyes widen in realization. “You mean you guys—”
“Right on top of Mr Morris’ desk,” I answer grimly.
“Oh, gross!” she cries in disgust. “How were you not fired?”
“I’m too good,” I say smugly. “Without me, we would never have gotten the governor’s award!”
“Well, they didn’t say anything about THAT!” she goes on. “I just… never mind. It’s something stupid.”
“You sure? I can help you with anything you need.”
I see some hesitation in her eyes, but she just turns away. “No, I don’t think you can help much with this. It’s a girl thing.”
I shrug. “Fine by me. As long as it doesn’t keep you from working, I’m good.”
Suddenly, a gruff voice comes through the intercom: “Alright, privates! Lunch break’s over. GET TO WORK!”

At Six…

“So anyways, Sheila decided that she was going to take up the whole folder station today, and she wouldn’t move for ANYONE!” Twilight raved as she picked up her purse. “I mean, I TRIED to ask her nicely, but she just smirks and turns away! I mean, how RUDE!”
“Indeed!” I agree in mock indignation while shutting down my computer. “I mean, of all the nerve in the world!”
“I KNOW, RIGHT?!” replies Twilight, apparently unaware of my humor. “I mean, I just needed to—”
“Espinosa! To my office!” calls the gruff voice on the intercom.
I look at Twilight with a sorrowful expression and make the sign of the cross. Lord, if You can hear me, just know that I’ve had a blast. Also, did you add those ramen fountains in heaven yet? I’m REALLY looking forward to that. I step into the Temple of Doom with shut eyes, preparing for the worst.
“Espinosa, glad you could make it,” Mr Morris greets me, thoughtfully chewing a cigar. 	That’s odd; he hasn’t threatened to have me deported yet. “I asked you to come here to talk about your secretary.”
“What’s going on with Tina, sir?” I ask.
For the first time in my life, I see Mr Morris do something I thought impossible: smile. This is either REALLY good or REALLY bad. “Espinosa, there have been a few times where I questioned my wisdom and sanity for keeping you on this crew. This is not one of those times.”
Okay, sounds good so far. “What do you mean, sir?”
“I mean Tina, your secretary!” he booms with laughter. “I tell you, she’s managed to raise the bar by forty-two percent in ONE DAY!! She’s a keeper, alright! Listen, tell her she can keep her hair as purple as she wants! Keep up the good work, Espinosa, and you’re looking at a corner office!”
“Oh, jeez, sir! I mean thanks!”
“Don’t mention it! Oh, and one more thing?”
“What is it sir?”
“Could you hand her this?” he discretely gives me a piece of paper. “Just a way for her to contact me. I might have to interview her separately… over dinner, you see.”
I roll my eyes. “Of course, sir.” I walk out of his office, wondering if his current marriage would last any longer with Twi around.
Twilight stood tentatively at the door. “So, what’d he say?”
I grin. “He LOVES you!”
She squeals in delight and hugs me. I return the hug ecstatically, and we both jump up and down like cheerleaders.
Little did I know what was in store for the rest of my day…
> Chapter The Thirteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Thirteenth, or "In Which the Party Begins"


Still in good spirits, Twilight and I chat on the way to my car. “Did he really say that?” my secretary asks for the umpteenth time.
“Of course he did!” I laugh, unlocking my car door. “He was ecstatic about you! I swear; he’ll pop the question any second now!”
She blushes deep red. “I bet he says that about all his employees,” she says modestly.
“Are you kidding?! I’VE NEVER LOST A CASE, and the nicest thing he’s ever done for me is a five percent raise! I’m telling you, Twi, you’ve got him around your little finger!”
She blushes even deeper. “Aw, you’re just saying that…”
“No, seriously, and I can see why: you’ve got this whole brainiac vibe about you, you know? Even without that, you’re still the hottest girl in the office!”
She looks at me, apparently surprised. “You think I’m hot?” she squeaks.
“Of course you are!” I grin, punching her lightly on the shoulder. “You’re one of the hottest girls I know!”
Her face reaches a new shade of red. “You think I’m hot?” she repeats meekly.
“Oh, don’t be so modest, Twi,” I tease. “I mean, you’re at least in the top five hottest girls I know!”
For some reason, a shadow passes over her face. “Top… five?”
“Well, there’s Spitfire, Rarity, Applejack, and then you! There’s no shame in that!”
She stays quiet for a while before turning to me with a spark in her eye. “What about Fluttershy?” she asks aggressively.
I look at her, confused at her sudden change in tone. “What about Fluttershy?”
“Well, you hang around her all the time!” she says accusingly. “I bet you’ve gotten some real good looks at her, huh?”
I look incredulously at her. “Fluttershy? Aw, come on, Twi!” I groan. “I’m not THAT much of a perv!”
It’s her turn to look surprised. “What do you mean? Fluttershy’s gorgeous!”
“Well, yeah,” I admit, “but I can’t see Shy like that! I mean, that’d be like checking out my little sister, you know?”
“Oh,” she says quietly, “so then who’s the fifth hottest?”
“Easy: Rainbow Dash.”
“What about Pinkie Pie?”
“Well, she’s cute, but I don’t think I could handle THAT!”
She smiles at this. “Well, glad to know I’m at least in the top five.”
“Oh, get over yourself!” I say in a mock snobbish voice as I start up the car. “So, you want to go with the gang and get a meal to celebrate your first day?”
Her eyes suddenly widen. “Oh wait, I forgot we had to pick up the kids from school!”
I give her a look. “You’re sending them to school?!” I ask, shocked.
She nods; punching an address into the dashboard. “It was about time they got back to learning! They've already had two months off!”
I continue to look at her in shock. “THEY WERE SUCKED FROM THEIR DIMENSION AND TURNED INTO A COMPLETELTY DIFFERENT SPECIES!!”
“That’s no excuse to skip school,” she says with a calm air of finality.
I look at my secretary in horror. “You sound just like my mother!” I cry.
“Oh, shut up!” she laughs, shoving me playfully. “Let’s just get going, okay?”
I sigh and check the GPS screen, only to be met with a surprise. “St. Faust’s Catholic School?” I ask.
Twilight nods happily. “It’s the best school in the city!” she gushes. “It’s got a greenhouse, a theatre, a— Why are you laughing?”
I wipe the tears out of my eyes and give her a grin. “It’s nothing, probably just a coincidence,” I assure her.
“If you say so,” she says reluctantly. “Now let’s go, we’re going to be late!”

At the school…

I pull up to the school parking lot to find six middle schoolers awaiting my arrival. “Hey guys! How was your first day of school?” Twilight asks excitedly.
Spike groans and loosens up his tie. “Ugh, awful,” he says tiredly. “Father Juan, our principal? HE’S A RELIGIOUS FANATIC!!”
“And don’t get me started on Sister Louise!” huffs Scootaloo. “She got onto my case just for trying to ask a question!”
“What was the question?” I ask.
“Scoots wanted tah know if we get recess,” replies Apple Bloom, equally pooped. “Guess what tha answer was.”
“And don’t forget the food!” pipes in Pip. “Makers, I don’t think I’ll EVER get the taste of baked beans out of my mouth!”
“I told you to bring your own lunch!” Sweetie Belle says smugly.
Twilight turns to Dinky in a last ditch effort to get a positive response. “What about you, Dinky? How was your first day?”
Dinky shrugs, her face completely blank. “It was alright, I guess,” she says stoically.
I chuckle. “Hey, at least YOUR Father Juan wasn’t as bad as the one I had when I was your age. I can still remember him: thinning hair, hooked nose. And he had this funny little mole on his cheek,” I say reminiscently.
Spike suddenly looks terrified. “Uh, Sebastian?”
“And he always had this weird habit of pushing his face right up into the car window and breathing right on it!” I laugh. “Weird, isn’t it?”
“S—s—s—Sebastian?” stutters Pip, scrunching up into the fetal position.
“I wonder what happened to him,” I ask myself out loud.
“Perhaps you should look out the window,” Dinky replies calmly.
I turn to find that my window has fogged up completely. I roll it down to find an irate priest peering at me as if I were a piece of something you’d find at the bottom of the toilet. “Padre Juan!” I say suavely, trying to drown my fears. “It’s been so long! How have you been doing?”
“Fine, no thanks to you!” he spits. “These are your children?”
“What? No!” I laugh a bit too loudly. “These are just kids that live in my building. I’m just giving them a ride.”
“Hmph. I see you haven’t married yet,” he growls. “Or what is it you young people are calling it? ‘Finding a partner’?”
I try to brush off the comment about my sexuality. “You’ve met Tina, haven’t you?” I ask, throwing my secretary under the bus. “Tina, this is Padre Juan, my old Sunday School teacher!”
Twilight, surprisingly, smiles kindly at the old man. “It’s nice to see you again, Father Juan!” she says cheerfully, shaking his old, craggy hand.
The old priest actually smiles back. “Hola, Senorita Tina! You know Sebastian?”
She nods. “I’m his secretary!” she says proudly.
The priest gives me a dirty look. “How… nice!” he says suspiciously. “So… are you two—?”
We both blush and shake our heads. “Nah, we’re just good friends—” I stutter.
“—a purely professional relationship!” Twilight finishes.
He scrutinizes all of us for a minute longer before leaving. “Well… It was… interesting to see you again, Sebastian,” he says, pulling his head out of the car. “I better see you at this week’s mass!”
I chuckle nervously. “Yes, Padre!”
“Well, good day to you,” and with that, the old buzzard finally leaves.
I sigh in relief as soon as he’s a safe distance away. “After ten years, that man still gives me the creeps.”
Twilight giggles. “You are such a baby!” she teases, shoving me playfully.
I give her a look. “Since when did you know Padre Juan?”
“Well, I had to show up for the interview, obviously!” she says, rolling her eyes. “Rarity, Applejack, Derpy, and Princess Luna were all there!”
I do a double take. “Luna?! I thought she and Celestia were—”
Before I blurt out anything dangerous, Twilight seals my mouth with a lavender flash. “REMEMBER?!” she hisses in my ear. “SECRET MISSION!!”
She turns to address the kids in the back, all with varying looks of skepticism. “Nothing!” she says shrilly. The Princesses aren’t doing anything!”
Spike simply rolls his eyes and shrugs. “So, we going home, or what?”
I nod, mouth still sealed. However, Twilight stops me from starting the car. “Actually, Sebastian wanted to take you guys out to eat, right Sebastian?”
“Mph?” is all I can say to respond. I feel my mouth unseal and I get the picture. “Sure, I guess,” I say unsurely. “Where do you want to go?”
The kids all look at each other before responding simultaneously: “FROYO!”

After the FroYo…

Spike scoops up the last of his frozen yogurt as we reach the apartment complex’s parking lot. “Aah,” he sighs in satisfaction, “that makes today a bit better.”
Applebloom nods, wiping her mouth with a spare napkin. “Ah don’t know why, but Ah cain’t help but smile when Ah eat those things!”
Scootaloo belches noisily, as if to salute Applebloom’s comment. Sweetie looks at her disgust, and continues to eat her frozen yogurt daintily. “Just because it’s good doesn’t mean you get to act like a slob,” she chides.
“You’ve been staying with your sister for too long!” declares Pip as he slurps up the rest of his frosty delight. “Honestly, I think she’s starting to infect you with OCD!”
“Actually, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental condition, not a contagious pathogen,” recites Dinky mechanically as she finishes her own cup.
I chuckle as I pull into my parking spot. “Sounds like you guys are having fun back there.”
Twilight smiles slyly as she exits the car. “Trust me; you’ll have more fun at the apartment”
I raise an eyebrow. “Really?” I say as I push open the door. I look around the lobby, as if to find said fun. Except for it being strangely quiet, nothing seems out of the ordinary.
The group stays silent as we climb up to the apartments. Occasionally, I steal a glance from Twilight or one of the kids. They say nothing, but I get the feeling that they were trying very hard to conceal smiles. Well, except for Dinky. For her, it was pretty much business as usual.
When we reach my apartment, I turn to find that everyone was STILL following me closely. “Ok, WHAT is going on here?!” I ask, finally losing my patience.
“Well, we’re here for the surprise party,” says Dinky calmly.
I look at her as if she had suggested that the sky was falling. “What party?”
Twilight smiles smugly. “You’ll see,” and with a flourish, she turns the key, unlocks the door, and reveals what was inside.
“SURPRISE!!” The whole apartment had been magically extended to be the size of a small village. Everyone in the apartment had shown up, led by the party princess herself. “Heya Sebastian!” she squeals, wrapping me in a tight hug. “Welcome to your ‘Welcome To Ponyville’ Party! Well, actually, WE should be getting the party, since we’re the newcomers, and it should be a ‘Welcome to Earth’ Party, but then YOU’D have to throw the party, and I— MPH!”
Joe had wrapped his hand around his talkative girlfriend’s mouth, smiling smugly at his genius. “Can we just get this thing started before Pinkie talks her head off?”
I’m still blinking in surprise at this. “How’d you even come up with this?” I ask incredulously.
Pinkie slides out of her boyfriend’s grasp. “WEEEELL—” she starts…

Earlier That Day…

“Ooh, I’m so super-duper excited for today, Joey!” Pinkie chattered as her boyfriend drove them to their new jobs. “I mean, it’ll be just like in Ponyville! Me and the Cakes, making stuff… Except YOU’LL be there this time!”
“Yeah,” smiled Joe wryly, “after three generations of owning a donut shop in Canterlot; I get to work for someone else. Woo-fricken-hoo.”
“Oh, cheer up, Mr Grumpy Pants!” scolded Pinkie. “Try to look on the bright side! The Cakes made you one of the two head bakers!”
“And you’re the other one, Pinkie. That’s because we’re the only two people working there!”
As they pulled into the driveway, Pinkie took time to examine the new shop. “Well… it’s not as big as the old bakery, and it’s a little gray, but it’s nothing a little Pinkie Pie can’t fix!” she says chipperly as she bounces into the store. “I wonder if Mr and Mrs Cake have everything—”
“Surprise!” cried the two shop owners. The inside of the bakery was decorated festively, and the Cake twins had little party hats on their heads, cooing in fascination at the confetti falling from the ceiling.
Pinkie gasped. “You did this FOR ME?!” she cried joyfully.
“Well it’s your first day, dearie!” replied Mrs Cake cheerfully. “We just wanted to have a little celebration for you two!”
A small smile crept on Joe’s face. “Wow. Thanks, Mr and Mrs Cake,” he said, looking around him. “This is actually really thoughtful.”
“No problem, Joe!” answered Mr Cake, punching him lightly on the shoulder. “After all, you work for us now. You get the same employees’ perks!”
Joe’s face soured a bit when he heard this. “Yeah… employee…”
“It’s too bad we couldn’t share this with everyone else,” said Mrs Cake wistfully. “Everyone could use a party to lift their spirits, right, Pinkie?”
Pinkie suddenly became quiet, her eyes slowly widening to the size of watermelons. “What did you just say?” she whispered.
“Well, it’s just I thought it’d be nice to throw a party for every— Oh no.” Mrs Cake’s face shifted from one of cheerfulness to one of horrified realization.
Joe began to cautiously approach Pinkie. “Uh, Pinks? I think you should calm dow—”
Pinkie sprung up above everyone’s heads, landing with a graceful flip. She took a deep breath, and with a triumphant smile, yelled “PARTY FOR EVERYONE!!!!”

Back to the Present…

“The noise actually gave the UPS guy outside a seizure,” Joe recalls fondly. “We ended up having to call the ambulance.”
I give the man a look. “Did he, you know, make it out alright?”
Joe shook his head, as if awakening from a dream. “Huh? Oh yeah, he’s okay now. We sent him a goodie-basket.”
“Enough talkin’, let’s just PARTY!” yells Rainbow Dash from the back of the room.
Pinkie grins and makes a signal. Within seconds, the place is flashing with lights, and music is blasting from every orifice of the apartment. “WOOHOO, PARTY!” she cries triumphantly.
Everyone begins to move. I catch Big Mac awkwardly dancing with Fluttershy, who is uncharacteristically bouncy and excited this evening. “Hey, Sebastian!” she calls enthusiastically to me. “Isn’t this fun?”
I look at Mac, who mouths “Open Bar”. I nod and make my way over to the kitchen; converted into a makeshift cantina. Lyra and Bon Bon are there, bickering as usual.
“I’m telling you, Bonnie, it tastes better with mint!” Lyra explains exasperated. “Sweets and alcohol don’t mix!”
“What about wine?” Bon Bon argues, blue and pink curls bouncing with indignation. “Everyone likes sweet wine!”
“Uh, hey, ladies!” I say, squeezing between two of the complex’s residents. “Could you pass me a Sprite from the fridge? No alcohol, thanks.”
Bon Bon nods and gives me a glass. I take a swig and spit it out in surprise. “This has vodka in it!” I shout in surprise.
“So… you like it?” she asks tentatively.
“Not really,” I admit, trying to spit out the harsh taste of spirits from my mouth.
“HA!” says Lyra triumphantly. “That’s three people that agree with me!”
“Spike agreed with me!” Bon Bon shouted back.
My eyes nearly pop out of my head. “You gave Spike alcohol?!”
“Yeah, so what? Let the kid have fun!” Lyra said dismissively.
“You think it’s safe to assume that the FIRE BREATHING TEENAGER can handle liquor?” I ask incredulously.
“Oh, relax, it’s not that strong!” Bon Bon laughs.
Suddenly, a multicolored blur zooms past us, knocking over anything not bolted down to the ground. “ORGY!!!” cries Rainbow Dash, swaying ever so slightly. With a cheer, about a third of the crowd begins to move to the hallway outside.
I give the pair a look. “Not that strong, huh?” I say skeptically.
An inhuman grin grows on Lyra’s face. “C’mon, Bonnie, it’s been forever since we’ve been to one of these!” she begs.
Bon Bon blushes bright scarlet. “Okay, MAYBE you have a point…”
Without waiting for further indication, I run off to find what very well could be a ticking time bomb.
> Chapter The Fourteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Fourteenth, or "A Game of Wits


I run in a frenzy, looking for any sign of damage. Please don't burn my house down, Spike... I see a flash of green light at one end of the apartment. GODDAMNIT, SPIKE, DON’T BURN MY HOUSE DOWN! I accelerate tenfold, knocking down several party-goers, in order to find the drunken fire hazard.

However, when I find Spike, he seems quite sober to me. In fact, his friends seem far worse off! “Hey, Ssshpike,” slurred Snails, leaning against the wall, “izz dat one human dude!”

Spike turns to me with a look of relief. “Thank the Sisters you’re here!” he sighs. “Snips and Snails are driving me crazy!”

I pant in exhaustion as I look at the trio of teens. “You’re not— not drunk?!”

The green-haired boy looks at me in confusion. “Drunk? Is that what they are?”

“I losht my virginity to my coushin Braid!” Snips sobs, falling flat on his back. “We met at my Uncle Toupee’sh funeral! We din’t want it to happen, it jusht did!”

“They’re drunk,” I confirm, calming down a bit, “but why aren’t you? Didn’t Bon-Bon give you that drink?”

“What, the weird tasting stuff?” he asks. “Nah, I just gave it to Snips and Snails. I KNEW something was up with that soda!”

“Yer DISHGUSHTING!” Snails spits, trying to walk away but sinking to his knees. “She’sh yer coushin, fer cryin out loud!”

“Are they going to act like that for a long time?” Spike asks, exasperated.

“Probably,” I nod. “So… you AREN’T going to incinerate my home in a drunken rage?”

He gives me a suspicious look. “Were YOU the guy who’s been sneaking into the fridge and stealing my ice cream?”

“Nope.”

“Then I’m not going to incinerate your home in a drunken rage!” he grins. “Anyways, it looks like someone’s here to see you!”

I turn to find a blue-haired man, clad in what appears to be a military uniform. He eyes me with suspicion. “You’re Sebastian, right?”

“Yes I am,” I respond, taken aback to his prim appearance, which contrasts everyone’s casual attire.

“Come with me,” he orders, briskly turning on his heel and walking away.

I look to Spike. “What was that all about?” I ask.

He looks at me with utmost pity. “It’s been nice knowing you, Sebastian,” he says grimly before running to his friends.

I sigh in exasperation and follow the officer to my empty balcony (which had extended to about the size of a rather large ballroom). “Alright, Shining, what do you want?” I ask when we arrive.

“You have been summoned by the Princess,” he says simply. He then kneels as a pale young woman beside him steps up. She looks nearly young enough to be a teen, but at the same time seems dignified and sophisticated enough to be around her thirties. She wears a midnight blue gown, adorned with glimmering crystals arranged to resemble constellations. Her hair, also midnight blue and adorned with stars, flows unceasingly, somehow enhancing her beauty further.

As the last time we met, I kneel. “Princess Luna, it’s an honor,” I say respectfully.

“You may rise, Sebastian Espinosa,” she says, and I stand up. She turns to Shining Armor and smiles. “You have done well, faithful guardian. You may retire for the night.”

“Yes, your highness,” he says reverently, and with a mistrustful look at me, he goes back into the throng of people in the apartment.

As soon as Shining leaves, the Princess turns to me. “You are wondering why you have been summoned,” she states.

“Yes, your highness,” I respond, keeping my eyes low.

She gives me a warm smile. “You may feel free to relax,” she assures me. “After all, you are said to be known for your sharp wit.”

I grin at her. “Well, if you say so. Anyways, what do you need, Princess? Is this about the—”

“We wish not to speak of professional matters,” she interrupts. “Let Us instead ask of your personal counsel.”  She sighs and looks to the sky. “What do We have to do in a world already so occupied?” she asks.

“I’m sorry?’

She indicates to the sky, which is filled with the lights of the city. “The inhabitants of your world have filled the night sky. They neither can nor have any need to view my artwork. Why is it that they do so?”

Taken aback, I take a while to respond. “Well, we like to show off,” I say slowly. “Nearly everything we build is big, bright, and impossible to ignore. Of course, some people get sick of that, so they go out to the places where nothing’s been built and look at the stars. They like it so much, that they build a place to live there. Soon, a group of people follow them, inspired. They build their own places to live. A few people go over there to make stores, then to make bigger and bigger homes, and in a few years… Well, here we are!”

She chuckles. “Such vain, paradoxical, funny little creatures you humans are…”

For some reason, the Princess’ comment ticks me off. “It’s a lot more amusing when you get to watch it, and not have to LIVE it,” I say sourly.

She gives me a surprised look. “You seem disappointed that you are human,” she says quizzically. “Why is that?”

I sigh. “I guess I’m not much of a ‘people person’,” I admit. “We humans have been on this planet a few thousand years, and all we’ve done is mess things up.”

“And yet you practice justice?” she asks. “Is not the purpose of justice to help the citizens that you are so judgmental of?”

“Not to me,” I say. “To me, justice is the preservation of order. Whether or not the people agree isn’t my problem.”

She sighs, as if she’s heard it all before. “Oh young human, you are so very wrong, and yet We cannot help but to sympathize with you.” She gives me an almost reproving look. “Do you not understand that the purpose of Order is to balance the Chaos of life and bring Harmony?”

I look at her. “What do you mean, Princess?”

She sighs. “Long ago, when Equestria was in its Golden Age, when the harvests were plentiful, the days long and the nights luxurious, when—”

“Yeah, yeah, everything was perfect, get on with it,” I sigh, hoping to speed things up.

She stares at me reproachfully, but goes on. “There were three gods of our world: Eunomia, Goddess of Order; Harmonia, Goddess of Harmony; and Discord, God of Chaos. Each  country and society would have an Order and a Harmony incarnate presiding over its citizens. Celestia was Equestria’s incarnate of Harmonia, and We – that is to say, I – were Equestria’s Eunomia incarnate. Discord was not to have an incarnate, however; His power was too unbridled, too manic, too unpredictable to leave into mortal hands. He simply traveled the world, allowing for his everyday Chaos to bring the world delight. Howev—”

“Hold on a sec,” I say, incredulous. “Discord’s Chaos brought DELIGHT?! HOW?!”

Luna gives me a cold look. “There was once a time when anyone who would interrupt Us would be beheaded.”

That shuts me up quickly.

Luna clears her throat and continues. “However, a day came when Celestia and Discord began to argue. Discord began to rebel from his natural position as a neutral power and brought Chaos solely to Equestria, and although it was a harmless Chaos, it brought despair to Our citizens. Finally, Our Sister had suffered enough of Discord’s delinquencies. She and I entrapped him in stone, forever stopping his brand of Chaos from occurring.

“However, a new brand soon replaced it,” she continues. “Unnatural creatures sprang from the cracks, filling the void of Chaos with fear. Parasprites, changelings, and other monsters soon were brought forth. We first tried to pacify them by channeling Discord’s Chaos Energy into a promising young ruler, the Crystal Emperor, but his heart grew black and his mind mad, and he enslaved his people until we had to vanquish him. Finally, We - that is to say, I - resolved to simply fight off the monsters in our midst, and protect Our citizens at all costs.”

She sighs. “Our - that is to say, my - judgment soon became clouded over with suspicion and paranoia. We suspected Our citizens of bringing in the monsters themselves. Many times, we have vented our cynicism to an unaware passerby, simply watching the stars while We were on nightly patrol. Our citizens began to fear night, and avoid it at all costs, perhaps in hopes of appeasing Us, but We were incensed at this; how dare they ignore the night that We worked so hard to make safe?! Soon, the rage consumed me, and Our Sister had no choice to imprison me.”

Suddenly, to my surprise, she begins to cry softly. Not knowing anything better to do, I awkwardly pat her back. “Uh… There, there, Princess…” I say, hoping I wouldn’t get sent to the moon for this.

She looks up, teary eyed, and gives me a weary smile. “We— I am sorry for losing control of my emotions. It is not proper to do such a thing…”

I try to give her a comforting smile. “Hey, we all have our moments,” I assure her, still patting her back.

She chuckle. “You can stop now,” she assures me.

I sigh in relief and put my hand to my side. “Good, my arm was about to fall off!”

She gives a girlish giggle before sighing and looking back at the moon. “There was a time when Our— MY moon never waned. When I was imprisoned there, I thought my Sister darkened it just to spite me. Now I realize She didn’t darken it; I did.” She turns to me with a weary look on her face. “I have often thought how nice you mortals have it, with so little responsibilities to accomplish. Now I wonder how you can avoid going mad with so much free time to think!”

I smile at this. “To be fair, we DO have things to occupy our time.” A crazy idea goes through my head. “Would you like to play a game with me, Princess?”

She cocks her eyebrow. “What sort of game?”

“Hold on, I’ll be right back.” I shove my way through the small village of partygoers to get to my room. Surprisingly enough, it is its normal size, and even more surprisingly, it’s devoid of partygoers. I search my room to find a small checkered board and a wooden case. I turn to see Hermes in his cage, sleeping peacefully. “How the hell can you sleep through this, ferret?” I ask fondly. I stroke his white fur for a little before rushing back to my balcony.

When I return, I find that Luna has changed from her gown to a military outfit of the same color. She looks at me eagerly. “What game hast thou prepared for Us, Sebastian Espinosa? Is it one of wits or one of strength?”

“The first one, I suppose,” I grin. “It’s called chess. Do you know how to play?”

She almost deflates in front of me. “We hast never heard of such a game,” she admits sheepishly. “We were expecting something… familiar.”

I laugh at her reaction. “Don’t worry: it’s rather simple once you have the basic gist of it!” I go on to explain the rules of the game, familiarizing her with the pieces and how to move them. By the time she grasps the concept, she moves back to her old grandiose self again, and demands a rematch.

Our first game ends with me winning in six moves. The second round ends with me winning in seventeen. By the time we reach our fourth game, she's actually starting to become a challenge! Our tenth game is the closest she gets to beating me. “HAHA!” she boasts, knocking my last rook off the board with her queen and putting me in check, “WE HATH SECURED VICTORY FOR THE TROOPS ON THIS NIGHT!”

I give her a smirk as I kill her queen with a bishop, trapping her king in a corner. “Checkmate, Princess.”

Her eyes widen and the smile falls off her face. “How did thou—”

“Oh, don’t take it so seriously,” I laugh, moving to wipe the pieces off the board.

She holds my hand down, a fierce glint in her eye. “We shalt not forfeit this match! Not while our honor is at stake!”

I laugh at her ferocity. “Sorry Princess, but I’ve got to make sure that your royal guests aren’t royally trashing my home! Maybe another time, alright?”

A dark blue aura encircles the board and sets it upon the table. “Our Sister is among Our subjects,” she says firmly. “She shall practice the utmost control over the situa—”

A loud explosion, accompanied by a flash of bright pink, booms across the city. The princess and I both simultaneously turn to find that the light is emanating from the center of the crowd of partygoers; the partygoers themselves seem stunned, as if in a trance, by the source of the light.

I turn to give an “I told you so” look at Luna. She’s wide-eyed and even paler than usual. “Perhaps it would not do too much harm to check up on our subjects,” she admits, and we run off to see what’s going on.

> Chapter The Fifteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Fifteenth, or “The Madness of Princess Celestia”
	
As we run into the crowd, I notice something infinitely more frightening than the explosion itself: The whole room is completely silent, and everyone is in a drunken stupor, staring at the source of the pink light. This causes me to go to a full-on sprint to see what was causing all this.
When I reach the center, I see a beautiful woman with flowing pink hair positively glowing in the center. She’s wearing a flowing white gown and has an almost imperious feel to her; in fact, if it weren’t for that creepy smile on her face, I’d say that was-
“Celestia!” Luna says in shock. “What’s happened to you?!”
I do a double take. “Princess Celestia?!” I gasp.
She rolls her eyes in annoyance. “Oh, I’ve had ENOUGH of this whole Princess schtick!” she pouts. “Please, call me Celly!”
Luna looks mortified. “Sister, you are not well! This is now you should conduct yourself amongst our subje-“
“Please, Luna, let’s give up this royalty thing for just one night!” Celestia  groans, swaying slightly. “Let’s have some fun, shall we? Remember when use to have fun with this job? We would summon entire harems just to-“
“THAT IS ENOUGH, CELESTIA!” thundered Luna, her face becoming a vivid shade of red. “THOSE DAYS HAVE BEEN FINISHED FOR CENTURIES!”
Celestia rolls her eyes. “Obviously,” she snorts. “You’re about as fun as a rainy day now, Woona!”
Luna’s pupils shrink to the size of pinpricks. “Do not call Us that name,” she whispers grimly.
Celestia gives her a smirk. “What name? WOOOOOONAAAAA?”
Luna turns even redder in response. “Not in public, Sister!” she whines, almost like a little girl.
“Aw, is someone embarrassed about their pet name?” Celestia teases. “”Don’t worry, WOONA, I’m sure your friends understand!” She turns to me and gives me a leer. “Why, hello there, little human! I didn’t notice you there!”
I feel a heat rise up to my cheeks. “Uh, hello your High-“
“PLEASE, don’t call me ‘Your Highness’!” she interrupts, almost as if the title caused her pain. “Just call me Celly!”
“Fine then, Celly,” I mutter, off-put by all of this. “What can I do for you?”
“The question is, baby, what can I do for YOU?” she says sultrily, licking her lips.
I automatically stare down to my shoes, trying to avoid her gaze. I am the master of my sex-drive, I am the master of my sex-drive, I mentally chant to myself
.	She grins and telepathically pulls me close to her. “Aw, is someone a little shy?” she coos, stroking my hair softly.
I AM THE MASTER OF MY SEX-DRIVE, I AM THE MASTER OF MY SEX-DRIVE! I scream inwardly.
Celestia starts to push her cleavage to my chest. “You know, I’ve never been with a human before,” she whispers smokily into my ear. “You’re lucky number one…”
Suddenly, I’m dragged away from her by a blue aura. “SISTER, STOP IT! YOU ARE INTOXICATED!” cries Luna desperately while she levitates me into the air.
Celestia blinks, as if she was adjusting to the sudden lack of me. “No, you’re drunk!” she answers confidently.
“Sister, think about your behavior! You’ve been acting erratically, you’ve interrupted this celebration, and you were trying to seduce Sebastian!” she winces slightly and gives me a nervous smile. “No offense,” she says apologetically.
“No, I’m completely with you on this one,” I say, staring at the pink princess. “She’s definitely drunk.”
Celsetia sighs in exasperation. “Fine. I’ll go back with you to the suite! Are you happy now?”
Luna gives her a stern gaze. “Not until you’re there, I won’t be!”
“Gods, Luna! You ruin EVERYTHING!” she groans. “You’re just like mom!”
“Then She raised me well,” Luna said, apparently satisfied. “Now go upstairs, have a nice cup of tea, and get ready for bed.”
“I hate tea,” Celestia sulked.
Luna gives her an icy glare. “Did I ASK you if you wanted tea?” she said in a dangerous voice.
“… No ma’am,” she sighs. She turns to me and gives me a grin. “You got off  this time, little human,” she leers, “but don’t expect to be so lucky next time!”
My face all of a sudden feels hot. “Uh, ok,” I reply meekly.
She laughs sultrily, and with a flirty wink, she teleports out of the room in a flash of pink. Luna sighs and turns to her subjects with a weary smile. “We are sorry to have interrupted your celebration,” she says apologetically. “Please, continue to enjoy your night!” With that, she teleports with a midnight blue flash, probably to keep watch over her drunken sister.
The room stays dead silent, the air almost palpable with shock at the whole incident. I was about to speak up when-
“Well, you heard the lady!” declares Rainbow Dash. “LET’S PARTY!”
The room erupts in cheers and the music turns back on,  leaving me completely in shock. How did everything just go back to normal?! I thought to myself. I mean, this is the equivalent of watching the Queen of England flash someone at a rave!
“Sebastian!” someone calls, interrupting my thoughts. I turn to find Rarity sitting comfortably behind me, a glass of wine floating beside her. “Mind talking with me?”
“Oh, hey!” I say back, putting on a smile. “Didn’t see you there!”
“Well, I saw you,” she smiles, “and you look almost as good from the back as you do on the front!” Noticing my look of horror, she laughs. “Oh, come now, Sebastian, a gentleman know how to take a compliment!”
I start slowly shifting away from her. “How many drinks have you had tonight, Rarity?” I ask suspiciously.
“Just this one,” she smiles, waving around her half-full glass of wine. “Why? Afraid of dealing with tipsy little ladies?”
I sigh and relax. “Sorry. I guess what just happened kind of shook me up.” I stop short and start to look at her. “You DID see what just happened, right?”
“Oh, that!” she chuckles, sipping her wine. “How silly of me to forget! It feels like ages ago, doesn’t it?”
“No it doesn’t,” I say slowly. “It just happened a few minutes ago!”
“I know, but the memory’s almost fuzzy, as if it happened long ago…” She stares off into space for a while before she shakes her head to clear her thoughts. “I suppose it’s the drinks,” she says ruefully, pouring her wine into a nearby potted plant. “I’m such a light-weight with these things!”
“Right… It’s the drinks,” I repeat, more to myself than to her. “Thant must be it…”
“Well, what I do remember is that Princess Celestia seemed to have quite a crush on you!” Rarity goes on, winking at me. “You lucky, lucky boy!”
I blush and look down to the sofa. “She was just drunk, that’s all,” I mutter.
“Oh, don’t be so modest!” she laughs, pinching my cheeks. “You are quite handsome! Not to mention that clever look in your eye, your caramel skin-tone, your impeccable dress sense... Now if only you cut your hair, you’d be presentable!”
“Hey, I like my hair long!” I protest, instinctively running my hand over it. “My ears stick out, so this makes it less noticeable!”
She giggles girlishly. “Aha, so there ARE some chinks in the armor!” she proclaims, poking me between the ribs.
I grunt and push her away. “Yeah, yeah, it’s easy to laugh when you’re one of the pretty people!”
“Now wait just a minute!” she protests. “Believe it or not, I too have my own insecurities!”
“Like what?” I smirk. “Can’t stand seeing a hair out of place on your pretty little head?”
She blushes deeply. “I can’t help being a perfectionist!” she whines. “It just comes naturally!”
“Look who’s got a chink in the armor now,” I chuckle. “You know, I’d think someone as pretty as you would have a little more confidence in yourself!”
“It’s not that I don’t!” she says in an exasperated tone. “It’s simply because things can always be improved! Why try to be anything but the absolute best?”
“I can agree with that,” I admit, “but when things get out of hand, it’s better to-“
“Um, Sebastian?” a timid voice says behind me. I turn to find Twilight smiling shyly at me. “You wanna come outside to the balcony and talk?”
“Sure, I guess,” I shrug. “You wanna come along, Rarity?”
For a fraction of a second, I see a cloud pass through Twilight’s face, but it passes soon enough. “No, I’d rather stay sitting down, if it’s all the same to you, darling,” Rarity smiles at me. “Besides, I’m sure you and Twilight will prefer to be alone, wouldn’t you?”
“Alright then,” I shrug. “Don’t drink yourself to death!” And with that, the two of us teleport to the balcony, Rarity’s laugh still ringing in my ears.
	

> Chapter the Sixteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Sixteenth, or “The Talk”

Thankfully, I’ve adapted to teleportation since those faithful days we first met. “So, I don’t suppose you saw what happened between me and the Princess?” I nonchalantly asked my secretary.
She blushes faintly pink. “She really seems to like you,” she mumbles.
“Oh, come on, she was drunk!” I laugh. “She’d be making out with the pole if it was in her way!”
Twilight laughs nervously. “I’ve never seen her like that before,” she admits. “I guess everyone should have a chance to let their hair down!”
I peer into Twilight’s face. “You ok, Twi?” I ask, shifting her hair to get a closer look. “You’re really quiet for someone at a party!”
She blushes dark pink. “I’m fine,” she stammers, looking away. “Just a little nervous, is all.”
“Nervous? You’re as shaken up as a hooker in the Vatican!” I laugh, giving her a playful shove.
She grins a little more confidently. “Hey, you weren’t boasting so loudly when the Princess had you in her clutches!”
I feel my face redden. “Hey, you’d react that way if someone did that to you!” I protest
“Would not!” she laughs back. “You’re just a little fraidy-“
I grab Twilight by her hips and push her to the nearest wall. “I want you now,” I growl at her, our faces not even a fraction of an inch apart.
She turns a shade of red tomatoes only dream about. “I-I-I-I don’t know what to-”
I pull away and laugh. “Told you so!” I grin.
She’s shakes herself out of her shock and glares at me. “That wasn’t fair!” she pouted. “I didn’t have time to react!”
“You could have easily blasted me into bits with your psychic stuff!” I point out. “All it takes is a single thought from you and BOOM!”
She sighs and looks up at me. “Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad,” she admitted.
“Ooh, are you in loooooooove, Twi?” I ask, grinning. “Do you loooooooove me?”
She flips her hair in a defiant air. “I don’t like jerks, Sebastian!” she says confidently. “And just because I didn’t blast you to bits this time doesn’t mean I won’t next time!”
I grin. “Is that an invitation for me to try?” I growl in my sexy voice.
“I DIDN’T SAY THAT!!!” she yelps.
I burst out laughing. “You know, Twi, you’re WAY too fun to mess around with!”
She turns beet-red and turns up her nose. “See you later, Sebastian,” she says with a huff and walks away.
“Aw, come on Twi!” I call to her as she disappears into the crowd. “I’m just teasing!”
“Me too,” a voice whispers in my ear.
I yelp to find Twilight grinning behind me. “Gotcha!” she laughs.
“That’s cheating!” I say rather childishly. “You used your magic that time!”
She gives me a dazzling smile. “So, how are you liking that medicine?” she asks.
“Huh?”
“Yeah, that medicine I just gave you. It’s your own flavor, you know!”
It took me a while before I groan in realization. “God, Twi, that has to be one of the LAMEST jokes I’ve ever heard!”
She laughs that musical laugh of her. “I guess it’s just Pinkie Pie rubbing off on me!”
“Pinkie’s jokes are hilarious! You just suck at telling them!”
She sticks out her tongue at me. “Jerk!”
“Hey, you know what’s not smart? Telling the person paying your paycheck that he’s a jerk!” I smirk.
“You know what else isn’t smart?” she retorts, pushing her face aggressively close to mine. “Sexually harassing your secretary!”
“Touché, Mademoiselle Secrétaire!” I laugh. “But I’ll get you one of these days!”
We both laugh and lean over the balcony railing before quieting down. “So, you guys seem to be used to this sort of thing happening,” I say, trying to start up another conversation. “The thing with the Princess, I mean.”
“Not used to it,” she shrugs, still looking at the city lights. “It’s more like we’re slightly more accepting of it.”
I turn to her in interest. “What do you mean, ‘accepting’?”
She sighs and looks at me. “Since the whole Blueblood incident, we’ve had to accept what the Princesses have been trying to tell us for year: They really aren’t gods.”
“Do you still remember?” I ask quietly.
“Huh?”
“Do you still remember the whole war and everything?” I clarify.
She shakes her head. “It almost seems like it was a dream,” she says softly. “Almost like it never happened…”
I peer at her face to see that she had gotten the same look as Rarity had. “Twilight?” I ask, snapping my fingers in front of her eyes. “Helloooo? Earth to Twilight?”
Her eyes focus and I see a faint glimmer of gold in her eyes. “Huh? Oh yeah, sorry about that,” she says, shaking her head like a wet dog. “I guess I kinda spaced out there.”
“Have you been drinking at all tonight?” I ask, still searching for signs of that golden glimmer.
“No!” she says quickly.
I give her a suspicious look. “Twilight…”
She sighs in exasperation. “Fine, I had maybe a glass or two of wine, but that’s it, I swear! Jeeze, you sound like Shining Armor!”
I smile ruefully at the name. “Yeah, I don’t think he likes me much…”
“What do you mean?” she asks, tilting here head slightly. “You haven’t even had a conversation with him yet!”
“Trust me, he doesn’t like me. He was giving me the Evil Eye the whole time he was escorting me to Princess Luna.”
“Wait, why would Luna want to talk to you?”
I pretend to be shocked and offended. “Well, I have never been so slandered in my life!” I say in mock indignation. “I’ll have you know, Miss Twilight Sparkle, that I am a deeply interesting person!”
“You know what I mean!” she laughs, shoving me playfully. “What did she want to talk about.”
“Oh, nothing much,” I shrug. “It was mostly philosophy and stuff like that. We actually had a decent game of chess!”
She looks at me quizzically. “What’s chess?”
“I’ll explain it to you later,” I say dismissively. ‘My point is that it was kind of surreal, you know! She’s not some divine figure, she’s actually a person!”
“I know what you mean,” Twilight says, the smile fading slightly on her face.
“What happened?” I ask.
She takes a deep breath before starting. “Well, when I was just starting to go to the Royal Academy, I got a letter from Princess Celestia telling me that my mom had received a special honor. She was the Princess’ Head Royal Secretary, so she had the privilege to ride behind the Princess on the Royal Chariot during the Summer Solstice Festival. The letter asked me if I wanted to ride with my mom too, and of course I accepted. I hadn’t seen my mom in ages- the school required the students to be cut off from the world so that they stay focused on their studies,” she explained, ”So I was looking forward to this more than anything in the world! I braided my hair, got into my best dress, had my hooves shined- I even had Spike groomed for the occasion!” 
She chuckles a little before continuing. “Anyways, when the day came, my mom and I were escorted to the Princess’ Chariot by the Royal Guard. Everything seemed so bright and happy, and my heart was getting ready to burst in my chest from all the excitement! And when the Princess flew down into the Chariot… The world just stopped! But when we started rolling on the path, I heard my mom whisper something in Celestia’s ear… Something I’d never forget…”
She chokes up a little at these last words. “’Remember, Celestia, Thou art mortal.’” Almost as if these were the magic words, tears start flowing freely down her beautiful cheeks. “I was quiet the whole ride back,” she continues tearfully, constantly wiping her face. “I didn’t talk to my mom for the rest of the time I was with her! I was just so mad, thinking ‘How dare she?!’ and I never once considered the idea that the Princess might have been-“
At this point, I pull her into my arms, hoping this would help her. She buries her face in my chest, sobbing without restraint. “There, there,” I whisper, stroking her hair. “It’s alright now.”
She looks up and smiles weakly. “Sorry about this,” she says, embarrassed. “I don’t know what got into…” She trails off, her face suddenly blank. This time, I definitely see a flash of gold in her eyes, if only for a second.
“Twilight?” I ask tentatively. “Are you ok?”
She’s suddenly out of her trance and starts blushing furiously. “W-what’s going on?” she stuttered nervously.
“You were crying, and I was comforting you, remember?” I ask, confused.
“Why would I be crying?” she asks quietly, still beet-red.
“Remember? The whole story about your mom and Princess Celestia? ‘Celestia, thou art mortal’?” I say, growing more and more concerned.
“Oh yeah,” she says with the air of someone recalling a vague memory. “That was a while ago, wasn’t it?”
“It was a few seconds ago, Twi!” I say, positively terrified by this point.
“Was it? Oh gosh,” she says, holding her head. “It’s just so blurry and hard to remember!”
I pull away from Twilight and make my way into the crowd. “Hold on a sec, I’ll be right back!” I call over my shoulder, leaving Twilight dazed and confused on the balcony. 
I push past the crowds of drunken party-goers, trying to wrap my head around this whole situation. What’s going on?! I ask myself frantically, trying hard to make some sort of sense of this mess. There’s no way they could have forgotten so quickly! How on Earth did they- 
Then a memory goes through my head. The Harmony Effect, I realize, remembering that fateful night when the Princess explained it to me. So I guess it’s not just national tragedies, it’s also personal tragedies as well! I explain to myself. That’d explain why they take everything so lightly!
My head starts to spin at all the possible outcomes of this. If anything happens to them that makes them even slightly uncomfortable, they just forget! How cool would that be? I look to the bar, where the bottles of liquid gleam invitingly. I guess I’m about to find out, I think grimly to myself as I make my way to the table.
Bon Bon smirks at me as I approach the bar. “I suppose you’re breaking your ‘No alcohol’ policy tonight?” she asks smugly.
I smile sheepishly. “Trust me, if you had the night I’ve had, you would too.” I look around, searching for a certain minty-haired friend of mine. “Where’s Lyra?”
Bon Bon kicks something under the table, and a small groan answers my question. “She had a bit too many samples,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I swear, it’s like this every time!”
I grin as I lean over the table. “How so?”
“She always tries to bite off more than she can chew!” she says in exasperation. “I mean, you should have seen our honeymoon! She practically-“
“Just stop right there. I don’t want to know,” I say, shuddering. ‘Just give me a bottle of vodka, a gallon of milk, two shot glasses, and some chocolate Nesquick, and I’ll be good to go.”
She gives me a grin. “Going for a Dirty Russian tonight, are we?”
“Just shut up and give me the alcohol, woman!” I retort.
She chuckles and gives me the ingredients. “Lyra’s gonna be sorry she passed out,” she says ruefully. “One of the most eligible guys in the building is deciding to cut loose, and she’s too busy with her hangover to deal with it!”
I give her a look. “I’M one of the most eligible guys in the building?”
She shrugs. “Hey, a new face always gets the ladies going, right?”
“Alright, I can see that… But you would let her hook up with me?”
She lowers her eyelids seductively. “We’re kind of a package deal,” she coos softly.
“Ok, what the hell have YOU been drinking?” I ask incredulously.
She laughs at this. “Oh come on, this is a party! Lighten up, will you?!”
“That’s what I plan to do,” I say grimly, holding up my vodka bottle. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a life decision to completely screw up!”
“Have fun!” she calls after me as I make my way across the crowd.
I arrive at the balcony, and notice Twilight gazing up lazily at the stars. “Alright, Twi, I’m back!”
She turns to me and her eyes widen substantially. “Are you insane?!” she gasps in astonishment. 
“Relax, this is only part of a game!” I laugh, putting my stuff down.
She narrows her eyes. “I’m listening,” she says suspiciously.
I fill the two cups with the milk and Nesquick mix. “Ok, I’m going to fill one of these cups with vodka, and you have to guess which one,” I explain. ‘You grab the glass that you think is clean and chug it as fast as you can. If you’re right, I drink the vodka bottle and tell you something personal. If you’re wrong, you do the same. We do this until the vodka bottle’s empty, alright?”
She shrugs. “Seems fair enough.”
“Oh, and one last thing,” I grin. “No using magic to cheat.”
“I wasn’t going to cheat!” she protested.
“Just making sure,” I chuckle. “Now don’t look so I can mix in the vodka!”
She sighs and covers her eyes with her hands. I  begin to mix the vodka in one cup when an idea hits me. Hmmm… Why not go Princess Bride on this? I think mischievously before mixing the vodka in both cups. “Alright, done!” I say, putting down the vodka bottle. “You can look now!”
She opens her eyes and scrutinizes the cups. “Hmmmm… Aha!” she proclaims. “It’s obviously the one farthest from you!”
“Alright then,” I say, trying to keep my face deadpan. “Drink up!”
She eyes me suspiciously. “But what… maybe you put it farthest from you so that I’d think that it was the one with the alcohol, tricking me into taking the one closest to you so that I’d get drunk!”
I maintain the poker face despite the wave of nostalgia. “Well, what are you waiting for?” I ask.
She keeps on staring at the cups, still doubtful of the outcome. “But what if you purposely put the cups in a specific order so that I would choose the one farthest away, knowing that I would be suspicious of the cup farthest from you?”
It almost hurts to keep the laughter from coming out. “Whatever you say, Twi,” I say in a bored tone.
She continues to examine the shot glasses for a good five minutes before grinning triumphantly. “Aha!” she proclaims. “I’ve got it! You OBVIOUSLY put the cup with the vodka right in front of you, knowing I’d think that you’d put it farthest away in case I thought you’d put it closest to you in case I’d think you’d put it farthest away!” And with that, she boastfully drank all the contents of the shot glass and slammed the cup down on the table. A few second later, her eyes widened in realization. “Yooooou shuck, Shebaaaaaastian,” she slurred angrily.
I roll out of my chair, laughing. “How are you messed up already?!” I roar in laughter, holding my sides. “It was one shot!”
She holds her head in her hands and moans. “I dunnooooo,” she admits, hiccupping slightly. “It jusht happens this waaaaaay!”
I grin at her and wipe the tears of laughter out of my eyes. “You are hilarious, you know that, Twi?”
She smiles shyly, before realizing something. “Does thisssh mean I haaave to tell you shomething now?” she asks quietly.
“Well, you did lose,” I remind her.
She sighs and steels herself up. “I shtilt shleep wit my Shmaaaarty Pantsh doll!” she admits, blushing.
I laugh at her mortified face. “Aww, little baby Twily’s still got her ickle doll to go beddy-bye with!” I coo mockingly.
She glares at me angrily. “Sssshut up!” she protests. “Ish reeeeeeally  pershonal!”
I give her a smirk. “Aw, did I hurt little baby Twily’s feelings?” I ask condescendingly.
“Weeeeell, why don’t YOOOOOU drink the other shot glass?” she asks, still blushing.
I widen my eyes. “What?” 
“Well yeaaaah!” she says, swaying a bit. “If there’sh only chocolate miiiilk in that glassh, it’ll be a cinch, riiiight?”
I force a smile and look at the glass. Well, here goes nothing, I think to myself as I swallow the bitter-sweet mix, retching inwardly. “See?” I say, coughing a little. “Piece of cake!”
She starts leering at me. “You put the vodka in both cuuuupsh, didn’t yooou?”
I smile sheepishly. “Hey, I didn’t know you’d get drunk so quickly!” I protested.
She gives me a disapproving frown. “Yooooou’ve been a very, veeeery naughty boy, Shebastian!” she says childishly. “Yoou need ta be punished!’
I raise an eyebrow. “Punished how?” I ask.
She gives me a wicked grin. “Drink through half of da vodka bottle!”
I smirk. “And why exactly would I do that?”
She pauses for a moment and smiles. “Cause if you don’t, Imma tell Mr. Morrish all about this!”
I look at her, mortified. “You wouldn’t dare!”
“I doooooo dare, Shebastian!” she laughs drunkenly. “Now do it!”
I wince as I look at the glistening liquid in the bottle. “But it’s yucky!” I whine childishly.
“Too bad!” she grins, hiccupping again. “Now go on, drink!”
I groan and lift the bottle to my lips. Well, goodbye, liver! I think gloomily to myself. It’s been nice knowing you. I steel myself up for the bitter taste and I chug nasty stuff down. When I finish, I look blearily at Twilight. ”You happy?” I say hoarsely, my voice hoarse. Wait, that's redundant...
She smiles sweetly at me. “Veeeeeery,” she responds as she sways over to me.
I look at her strangely. “Whaaat are you doing?” I say, slurring a bit.
“An expeeeeeriment,” she responds, and forces her tongue down my throat.
I barely respond, the alcohol taking effect. Well, there goes two years of self-help tapes, I think dryly as I feel my body go limp.
She pulls at me and gives me a seductive smile. “Hoooooow was thaaaat?” she slurs sexily.
I shrug. “I’ve haaaad better,” I reply.
Her smile quickly turns sour. “Yooooou really are a jeeerk!” she slurs angrily.
I smile drunkenly at her. “Yooooou seem upseeeet,” I chuckle.
She slaps me and starts staggering off into the crowd. “JEEEERK!!” she yells over her shoulder.
Good job, Sebastian! I think to myself. You just avoided what could have very easily been the end of a friendshi- Wait, what’s that?
A set of beats start emanating from the inside of the apartment. Is that… No, it couldn’t be… Is it? I peer awkwardly into the crowd, drawn by the familiar rhythm. It is! “BITH, DITH ITH MAH SONG!!” I yell to no one in particular as I charge into the mosh pit. As I make my way into the center, I hear the beat getting clearer and clearer. God, it’s been so long since I’ve heard this! Here it comes! I jump in the center of the action and yell ”OPPA GANGAM STYLE!”
The crowd laughs and cheers as I put my arms in front of me and start to dance. I savor the attention, adding some of my own moves into the mix as the song goes on. When it’s all over, I grin triumphantly, bow, and fall promptly on the floor. Goodnight, moon, I think giddily to myself as the room goes black.

> Chapter the Seventeenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter The Seventeenth, or "In Which Life Starts Again"

I slowly open my eyes to find a blinding light strike my eyes. ”Ugh, the light, it burns!” I groan as I blindly feel my surroundings. My hand touches something squishy which my mind interprets as a cushion. “Soft pillow is soft,” I say dreamily, burying my face into the warm, marshmallow like object.
“Why, hello there, lil’ guy!” A soft voice murmurs in response. I look up in confusion to find a curtain of blonde hair right above me.
My eyes pop open in shock. Wait a second... Is this who I think it is? I get up and push the blonde curtain away to see a tan, freckled face smiling in her sleep. “Well, fuck.” I blurt out loudly.
My crude language woke up my bunkmate. “Huh?” Applejack grunts, opening her eyes. “Whuz goin’ on?”
She looks cute when she wakes up, I observe before realizing what was going to happen. She probably won’t look as cute while she’s breaking my spine.
Her eyes blink into focus before looking at me. “Oh, good morning, Sebastian,” she smiles before doing a double take. “SEBASTIAN?!”
I smile nervously. “Hey there, Applejack!”
She stares at me for a few seconds before speaking. “Did we just-“
“Looks like it, doesn’t it,” I say grimly. “Look, I’m really sorry about this. I guess we had too much to drink at the party, huh?”
She blushes a little and looks away. “I wasn’t drinking!” she says, obviously lying through her teeth.
“Oh, so this is where you wanted to wake up?” I ask, grinning wickedly.
Her eyes dart around, looking for a distraction. “Uh well, ya see… Wait where are we, anyway?” she asks hurriedly.
I observe our surroundings to see that they’re indeed unfamiliar. “Beats me,” I shrug. “Probably somewhere in the building, I suppose. Want me to go check?”
“Well, aren’t you a gentleman!” she grins.
“Oh, shut up,” I say as I make a move to get up. Strangely enough, something cold and hard grips my wrist as I try to get out of the bed.
“Hey, why are y’all trying tah pull me outta the bed?” the blonde asks indignantly.
“That’s not me!” I snap back. “I think we’re handcuffed together!”
Her eyes suddenly widen. “Aw, please don’t let this be where Ah think it could be,” she groans.
“Well, my worst guess is a very comfortable prison,” I remark, pulling out my arm to see the handcuffs that bound us together. “Jesus Christ, Houdini couldn’t get out of these!”
“Who?” Applejack asked distractedly as she ran her hand through her hair.
“Just some magician,” I explain. “He’s kind of a symbol of magic for us.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she says, fidgeting in her spot. “Look, we gotta get outta here NOW.”
“Aw, why? I love waking up naked and handcuffed to redneck girls!” I say sarcastically.
“Ah’m serious, Sebastian!” she says angrily. “And fer tha record, Ah am NOT a redneck! Ah’m a southerner!”
“Well, if you’re so serious, why don’t you tell me what the hell’s going on?!” I shoot back.
She sighs in frustration and calms herself down. “Ah may be wrong,” she says slowly, “but Ah think we might be in the Royal Chambers.”
My eyes widen in terror. “So any second now, one of the Princesses might come in?!”
“Eeyup,” she nods grimly.
I feel the blood boiling in my skull. “Well, how are we going to get out of here without getting noticed?!”
“It IS a big place,” she says slowly. “They’re probably in another part of the apartment. Thank tha Sisters for those space-extendin’ spells on the apartment!”
“Well, it’s those Sisters that might come in at any moment!” I say angrily. “We’ve got to get out of here as fast as possible!”
“Cool yer jets, will ya?” she scolds. “Tha best thing tah do is to keep our heads on straight and try to think our way out of this here situa-“
A knock on the door interrupts her in the middle of her speech. “Excuse me, are you two Miss Applejack and Mr. Sebastian Espinosa?” a meek voice asks.
Applejack’s eyes widen in terror and she makes a coughing noise, as if she couldn't breath. This prompts me to answer for her. “Yeah, we’re here!” I call.
“I am Proper Place, one of the maids of the Royal Suites. The Princesses would like me to give you this,” the voice explains shyly, and a small key slides under the door. “I would hand it to you myself, but I was given orders to not enter the chamber for the issue of… privacy.” She clears her throat and continues. “I am also leaving your clothes and a small tray of breakfast outside, in case you’re hungry. Princess Celestia also sends Mr. Sebastian Espinosa sincere apologies on how she behaved last night, and to think nothing of this favor. Princess Luna also adds that she wishes to challenge Mr. Sebastian Espinosa to a… ‘chess match’ later this evening. Both the Princesses bid you good day.” With that, I can hear the servant set down something on the floor in front of the door and leave.
Applejack lets out a relieved sigh. “Well, at least we can take our time,” she laughs nervously.
I give her a look. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” I grin.
She turns beet red and punches my arm softly (and by softly, I mean as soft as an elephant jumping on a trampoline). “Why do ya always gotta read into everythin’?” she asks, irritated.
“It’s my job!” I wince in pain as I rub my arm where punch landed. “But I guess I did deserve that one,” I admit.
She chuckles and tries to sit up. “Ah wish the key wasn’t so far away,” she groaned. Indeed, it was still a good three feet or so away from the bed and definitely out of reach if we were going to stay lying down.
“Well, guess we’re going to have to get out of the bed if we’re going to get these things unlocked,” I say grimly.
“You’re just sayin’ that cause ya’ just wanna see mah goods!” she smirks.
I roll my eyes. “Look, I’m not going to pretend that I’m not curious to see what’s under the sheets,” I say seriously (I notice Applejack cross her legs at this), “but believe it or not, sex isn’t at the top of my mind right now. So can we act somewhat mature for the amount of time it takes to get dressed?”
She gives me a scowl. “Killjoy,” she mutters.
“I’m a lawyer, what do you expect?” I grin. “Anyways, on the count of three, we’ll get out through my side of the bed and I’ll pick up the key. We’ll unlock ourselves, get our clothes, eat some breakfast, and then we’ll pretend like tonight never happened. Deal?”
She sighs. “Alright, deal.”
“Ok, let’s do this: One…” I start counting, shifting slowly as I do so. “Two… Three.”
By the time I get to three, we’ve slowly lifted ourselves out of the bed. “You alright back there?” I call over my shoulder, trying hard not to steal a look at Applejack.
“When in tarnation did y’all get so fit?!” she responds, apparently amazed.
I sigh in exasperation. “Eyes on the prize, cowgirl,” I say reprovingly, trying to edge myself closer to the key.
“Oh, I’m keeping mah eye on the prize alright,” she says mischievously. I feel a hand grope my hindquarters playfully as I move ahead.
I let out a yelp and jump forward. “Goddamit, Applejack, this isn’t the time!” I yell angrily. “Can we focus on getting free for a second?”
“You know, ya just don’t know how tah take a compliment, do ya?” she snaps back, now equally peeved.
I groan and pinch the bridge of my nose with my free hand. “Look, sorry I snapped at you, but can we please just focus?”
“Fine,” she sighs. “Let’s hurry up and get this over with.”
“Thank you,” I say diplomatically. “Now, I’m going to lean over to get the key. I swear to God, if you try any funny stuff while I bend over, I’ll handcuff you to the bed and just leave you there. We clear?”
“Alright, alright, no need to be such a stick-in-the-mud!” she groans.
I slowly bend my knees forward and reach down to get the key. “Alright, I think I got it,” I say. “I’m going back up!”
“Ya know, you don’t have to tell me everything yer gonna do,” she says irritably.
I ignore her comment and raise myself up. “Alright, reach your arm in front of me so that I can unlock the handcuffs.”
“Why don’t y’all just turn around?” she asks innocently.
“Nice try,” I say blandly. “Now hurry up and give me your arm!”
She sighs in frustration as she leans over my back puts her arm in front of me. “Happy?” she growled.
I try very hard to ignore the two soft, heavenly objects I feel pressed against my back. “I’m fine,” I say, forcing my voice to hold steady. “Now just hold still and let me unlock you.”
“Do Ah have much of a choice?” she asks drolly.
I give a nervous chuckle and press the key into the hole. I turn the small piece of metal and the handcuffs come off instantly. "Alright, I’ve got it!” I call over my shoulder. “Now, just go through the door and- AHHH!!”
Applejack pounces on me like a tiger, turning me over and giving me a perverted leer. “And what?” she asks lustily.
I force a grin on my face. “Applejack, you’re putting me in a very compromising position.” I say through my teeth.
She laughs and playfully licks my neck. “Well, Ah don’t quite remember the details of last night,” she coos softly. “Ah think Ah might need a little something to go on,”
I take a sharp intake of breath as I try to keep my cool. "See, the thing is,” I say, forcing myself not to stutter, “I’m not really interested in a relationship right now, and I don’t want to make things weird between us.”
She chuckles. “That’s ok with me,” she whispers sensually. “No strings attached, Ah swear.”
I start to feel myself relax a little. “And no one has to know, right?”
“Eeyup,” she grins.
I think it over for a second. “Oh, what the hell,” I say in exasperation, and I wrap my arms around her and force my tongue down her throat,

Fifteen minutes later…

We both lay on the bed, panting and wheezing. “Damn, yer good!” Applejack grins, breathing heavily. “Ah haven’t had something like that in forever!”
“You’re not too bad yourself!” I chuckle, sweating profusely. “Where’d you learn to do that thing with your legs?”
“Years of practice and apple bucking,” she responds with a satisfied look on her face. She draws herself closer to me and lays her head down on my chest, purring happily.
I give her a look. “What happened to ‘no strings attached’?” I ask.
“Shut the fuck up and cuddle with me,” she growls, not even looking up.
Taken aback, I slowly start to stroke her golden hair. “You know, I actually wanted to ask you something,” I say, trying to start off a conversation.
“What?” she asks, her voice muffled.
“Where’s your cutie mark? I couldn’t find it anywhere on you, so…”
“Oh yeah, Ah’ve been wonderin’ about that too,” she replies, drawing herself up so that her chest was pressed on mine. “No one had theirs when we came over, so we just assumed humans didn’t have any. Ah’ve been thinkin’ of gettin’ it tattooed on, just a reminder, ya know?”
“Pfft, don’t waste your money on crap like that!” I scoff. “Why don’t you just wear a necklace or something? At least that’s not as painful.”
“Maybe, but it wouldn’t be tha same,” she sighs despondently.
I look down at her. “You alright there, Jackie?” I ask.
She looks up and gives me a soft smile. “Yeah, Ah’m fine, sugar-cube,” she assures me. “Just a bit homesick, is all.”
I notice a small spark of gold in her eyes, but choose to ignore it. “Sugar-cube? I don’t think you’ve ever called me that,” I chuckle. “Are you going soft on me, Applejack?”
She laughs and playfully grabs my… thing. “Ah think the only one goin’ soft here’s you, Sebastian,” she growls softly.
I give her a grin. “And what exactly are you going to do about that?” I ask teasingly.
She leers at me and pounces on me again. “You’ll see,” she growls.

Fifteen MORE minutes later…

She slides off of me, still trying to catch her breath. “Ya didn’t last as long!” she teases, wheezing.
“Still longer than you,” I growl, wiping some sweat off of my forehead.
“Aw, did mean old Applejack hurt little baby Sebastian’s feelings?” she coos, pinching my cheek (the one on my face this time).
“Oh, shut up,” I say cheerfully, wrapping my arm around her shoulder.
She obliges and cuddles up next to me. “By the way, Ah didn’t know quite how tah ask this before, but what happened to you?” she asks.
I raise my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
She looks around nervously. “You know… all them scars you’ve got!”
“Oh, those!” I chuckle. “Well, I got those in a couple of bad fights I’ve had over the years!”
Her eyes widen in surprise. “Really?!”
“Nah, I had a bunch of surgeries as a kid,” I admit. “Though I WAS on the high-school boxing team.”
She eyes me suspiciously. “Two questions: How do Ah know that ya’ are tellin’ the truth this time?”
I point to my nose, which is slightly crooked. “This thing has sustained at least three surgeries, and it’s still not straight!” I chuckle. ‘It used to drive me crazy!”
“Alright, fair enough,” she says. *“Now, tha second question: What exactly is boxing?”
I burst out laughing. “You know, you guys get me every time with that!” I grin ruefully.
She gives me a blank stare. “Whaddya mean?”
I shake my head, still laughing. “Never mind, I’ll explain later, I promise.”
She shrugs and sighs happily, leaning in closer to me. “This was nice, Sebastian,” she smiles. *“This’d been tah best time Ah’ve had in a while.”
“The feeling’s mutual,” I grin, toying around with her hair. “I’m glad we’ve got this going for us.”
She gives me a leer. “Are you getting mushy with me, sugar-cube?”
“What, I can’t be happy that you’re my friend?” I ask indignantly.
She pauses for a moment. “Friend?” she asks.
I groan in realization and pull away. “Look, sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but we did agree that-“
“No, no, it’s not that!” she interrupts, scooting closer to me. *“Ah just never really thought of y’all as a friend…” She says the word as if she were tasting it, swishing it around her mouth. “Hmmm… Sebastian Espinosa’s mah friend… Ah guess Ah could get used tah that!”
“Well, good,” I say, getting out of the bed to stretch a bit. “You want me to get our stuff?”
“Trust me, Ah’m fine just the way we are,” she grins, eyeing my backside.
“Well, nevertheless, I have to know what time it is,” I say. “Or what day it is, for that matter.”
“Ain’t it Tuesday?” Applejack asks thoughtfully.
My eyes widen in fear. “TUESDAY?!” I yell. I run for the door and grab our clothes. “Oh shit, please don’t be past eight, please don’t be past eight…” I fish my phone out of my pants pocket and on the front screen. “Whew… 6:33…”
Applejack gives me a surprised look. “Only six in tha mornin’? Jeez, Ah thought it’d be much later!”
“Well, thankfully, it’s not,” I sigh in relief. I grab my boxers and start to slip them on. “Hope you enjoyed the peep-show, Jackie, cause we’re closing for today.”
“Awww,” she pouts. “Come on, just one more go?”
“I wish I could,” I grin wryly, “but Twilight would kill me if her boss was late for her second day of work.”
A stony look grows on Applejack’s face. “So ya and her, huh?” she says quietly.
“She and I what?” I ask, pulling my shirt on.
She gives me an incredulous look. “Ya know! You and her together!”
“What?!” I laugh hysterically. “C’mon, why would Twi be interested in me?!”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Ya mean you don’t know?” she asks in surprise.
“Don’t know what?” I ask, slipping my belt through the loops.
She stares at me a little before shaking her head. “Never mind!” she says quickly. ‘It’s probably nothin!”
As I finish dressing, I give her a look of skepticism. “You know, I can see that you’re lying like hell.” I chuckle.
“Look, Ah can’t tell y’all anyways!” she says defensively. “It’s a girl thing!”
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I laugh inwardly. I grab Applejack’s hat and put it on my head in a goofy fashion. “Well, best not interfere with the business of you women folk,” I say in a mock country accent, pulling the hat’s brim over my ears.
She grabs the hat from my head and holds it protectively to her chest. “Don’t touch mah hat!” she growls defensively.
I chuckle. “Where was this affection a few minutes ago?” I ask teasingly.
“Look, Ah like you just fine, sugar-cube, but Ah’ve known the hat longer!” she explains, still glaring at me as she cradles the hat in her arms.
“Did the hat make you scream my name out a few minutes ago?” I ask with a wicked grin.
She blushes bright red and gives me a glare. “Ya know you really are an ass.”
“I’m a lawyer, what do you expect?” I laugh as I finish dressing. I stand over the bed awkwardly for a bit, trying to decide what to say. “Well, uh… how exactly do we end this?” I ask.
She puts on her hat and props herself up on her elbows. “Do ya mean ‘say goodbye’?” she asks, looking equally unsure.
“Exactly. I mean, what do we do? Do we hug, kiss, shake hand, high five, brofi- WHOA!!”
Applejack interrupts me by grabbing me by the shirt. “Shut the fuck up, will ya?” she grins, and she kisses me passionately. When we part, she gives me a leer. “Call me!” she winks flirtingly.
I give her a grin and begin to walk away. “Not till you call me first!” I laugh as I open the door. My first step causes me to trip over the metal plate the servant left out for us, and I end up on my stomach. “Hope you like slightly squished eggs!” I call behind me as I get up, still laughing.
Applejack laughs behind me and helps me up. “Go get’em sugar-cube,” she whispers in my ear, and she playfully nibbles my neck as she shoves me out the door.
As I walk through the castle, I’m grinning ear to ear. You know God, I know you say you love everyone, but it’s good to know you love me extra-special, I think to myself. See, Sebastian, you get both sex AND a friend! Today can’t get much better than this! And with that happy thought, I strut through the castle, humming "Moves Like Jagger" under my breath.
When I reach the front of the hall, I notice a 20-ish woman with blonde hair waiting for me at the corner. “Uh, can I help you?” I ask when she’s close enough to talk to.
“I am Proper Place,” she says in a familiar timid voice. “We spoke earlier while you were in your chambers with Miss Applejack.”
“Oh yeah!” I chuckle. “So what can I help you with?”
She gives me a shy smile. “Actually, it is I who is supposed to help you,” she explains with a curtsey of her maid’s dress. “You see, the Princesses have sent me to help you find your way through the castle, seeing as it IS a rather large suite.” She extends her hand out to me. “Are you comfortable with teleportation yet?”
I shrug. “Define ‘comfortable’,” I say jokingly.
She, however, gives me a blank stare. “I mean to ask if you would like to teleport to the exit instead of walking there,” she explains.
“No, what I meant was- ugh, never mind,” I sigh, giving up on the joke. “I’m ok with teleporting if it’s the fastest way to get there.” I take her hand and breathe in deeply. “Alright, ready.”
Her shy smile turns into a wicked grin. “Here we go!” she says in tones vastly unfamiliar from the ones I heard before.
“Wait, what’s going on?” I protest, surprised by her sudden change in character. Flashes of purple lightning begin to surround us, crackling through the air.
I turn to see the two Princesses, along with a group of what appear to be soldiers, run towards me with almost desperate speed. “Sebastian!” I hear Luna cry out, sounding worried. “Don’t trust her! She’s-“
A loud boom blasts through the room, knocking everyone down and shattering all of the windows nearby. I turn in alarm to my captor. “Who are you?” I ask in shock.
She gives me a playful wink. “Spoilers!” she laughs, and with that, I feel a massive shock of energy run through me, and the world starts twist and distort. I start feeling myself float away…
> Chapter The Eighteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Eighteenth, or “Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey… Stuff”


“Good God… what happened last night?” I groan inwardly as I regain consciousness. “Was that whole thing with Applejack just a dream?”
“Morning, Handsome!” a cheerful voice laughs. My eyes shoot open to find an attractive girl with short purple hair looking highly amused at me. “How are you holding up?”
I feel my temper start to boil. “Alright, lady, I don’t know who you are, but I don’t generally appreciate it when people catch me by supri-“ suddenly, I feel a small hurricane blow through my stomach. My vision starts blurring and I feel dreadfully nauseous. “What the hell did you do to me?!” I say hysterically, trying to hold in the vomit accumulating in my gut.
“Oh, don’t worry about that!” she assures me. “Your body’s just not used to time-jumping yet!”
“Time-jumping? What the hell is- BLEEERGH!!?” I vomit spectacularly onto the floor, effectively emptying my stomach.
“I KNEW you would do that!” she laughs. “Just wait a little for the second wind and it’ll all be over!”
“Second wi_ BLEEEEEGH!!” This time, little cogs and gears come out of my mouth. I finish when a rather large pocket watch (complete with a chain) lands on the floor with a clang.
She looks at this as if she were rather fascinated by it all. “Funny, I’ve been trying to get rid of that part, but it still always affects the first timers… You took it surprisingly well, though!” she adds apologetically. “Poor Fluttershy puked out a grandfather clock!”
I gasp for breath, crouching on my hands and knees. “Ok, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY AM I HERE?!?!”
“Jeez, calm down!” she chastises (as if I was being the unreasonable one) and she snaps her fingers. In a purple flash, the mess I made disappears, save for the gleaming pocket watch. “Now that we have that mess out of the way, why don’t you ask me your questions?”
I take a few deep breaths to calm down. “Who are you?” I ask.
She sucks in her breath as if it were a taboo topic. “I can’t really tell you my name,” she explains apologetically. “You see, it MIGHT rip open a whole in the space-time continuum.”
I chuckle wryly. “Fair enough. Still, I’m gonna need to call you something!”
She thinks for a moment and smiles. “Would you go for calling me ‘The Nurse’?” she asks excitedly.
“After I just puked out a watch while you just watched?!” I laugh incredulously. “Not a chance!”
She sighs and shakes her head. “Yeah, it is pretty lame, isn’t it?” she admits. “What about Sparkler? Sound good to you?”
“Hmmm, Sparkler… Seems nice to me! Alright then Sparkler, next question: Where’s that maid lady that zapped me here in the first place?”
With a purple flash, a blonde wig appears on her head. “Oh, you mean Proper Place?” she says a quiet, submissive voice I recognized before bursting out laughing. “She’s just an alias I used to get you here in the first place!”
“Clever.” I say approvingly. “Now, as a follow up question, where exactly is ‘here’?”
Her face lights up at this. “This,” she proclaims proudly, “is a Type Z Time And Relative Dimension In Space! Built from scratch by yours truly!”
My eyes widen as I look around me for the first time. It does seem to model the golden chamber I saw last time, but much more compact and advanced. “Hell’s bells, you’ve built your own TARDIS,” I mutter in amazement.
“I know, right!” Sparkler says giddily. “It’s got a three-way overlap function, an adaptable fifth-dimension extension pack, AND a fully capable CUS!”
“A CUS? What’s a CUS?” I ask curiously.
“Constant Upgrade System!” she squeals in delight. “Anything that possibly can be, there is! It’s my pride and joy!”
I look around. “So, where am I now?”
“The guest room, of course!” she giggles. “Where else would I put you?”
“Uh huh… And that brings me to my next and probably final question: why did you bring me here?”
Her excited tone suddenly turns serious.* “See, something happened the night before I took you that never should have happened,’ she explains.
“You can say that again,’ I chuckle. “But these sorts of things just happen, you know? One minute, you barely know the girl, the next, you guys wake up naked and handcuffed together. That’s life!”
“I’m not talking about your weird thing with Applejack, stupid,” she says rather harshly. “I mean the fact that, I dunno… THE WIELDER OF HARMONIA GOT WASTED AS FUCK?!”
I’m taken aback at the sudden change of tone. “I’m sorry?”
She groans as if she can’t comprehend my level of idiocy. “Celestia's supposed to have an iron discipline, a nerve of steel! She can’t afford to loosen up the way she did, ESPECIALLY with the power she wields!”
My eyes widen in realization. “But she didn’t cause any damage last night!” I protest, hoping to avoid the consequences. “She should be fine!”
“It’s not the damage she causes while she’s drunk!” she explains angrily. “It’s the hangover that’s going to cause the most destruction! Do you KNOW the psychic energy a hang-over can cause? It’s enough to give you humans, who by the way have a microscopic amount of magic, a massive head-ache! With the standard unicorn, that equates to an energy beam to the tune of a gigawatt of power! Now, why don’t you do the math and see what Celestia would do?”
My eyes widen as a vision of a charred city of Atlanta comes into mind. “Oh shit, we’re boned, aren’t we?”
Her rage turns into a triumphant smile. “Not yet! See, I’ve managed to make something that’ll channel all the excess energy into a battery, which will in turn be able to power a flashlight for the next few centuries!”
I stare at her for a second. “Yeah, that’s great and all, but where do I come in?”
She suddenly loses her vain laugh and grins sheepishly. “Actually... you're the bait...”
My eyes widen in terror. *“Oh, no. No no no no no no no no no no no no no NO! I am NOT planning on whoring myself out just yet, nor am I involving myself with someone as powerful as the Princess!”
“Relax, will you? No one’s whoring themselves out!” she assures me. “All you’ve got to do is hit on her a little, get her to come close to you, and then I’ll teleport you out of the room and then BAM! Crisis averted!”
I eye her suspiciously. “You promise?”
She solemnly puts her hand to her chest. “Pinkie Swear!” she grins, breaking all seriousness. “Man, it’s been FOREVER since I did one of those!”
I ignore the last comment, trying not to question things too much. “Alright then, let’s get it over with,” I sigh.
She smiles and calls out “TARDIS, activate sequence A-3-Omega-Bravo!” The TARDIS hums quietly, and then stays silent. “Alright, we’re here!” she announces chipperly.
I look at her. “Wait, where’s the noise?”
She looks at me in a confused manner. “What noise?”
“You know, the VWORP, VWORP, VWORP noise!” I say indignantly.
She chuckles. “You’re expecting the sound you get from the other TARDIS, aren’t you?” she asks knowingly.
“Well… Yeah, I guess,” I admit.
“I’ve always hated that noise,” she sighs reminiscently. “It’s the only part I couldn’t stand about the old girl… So I got rid of it when I built this one!”
“Awww… Wait a sec,” I say, realizing something. *“How do you know what the Doctor's-“
“Spoilers!” she laughs, interrupting me. “Now get ready for duty, lover-boy!”
A purple flash surrounds me, and I see the room melting away. I find myself in a large, beautiful bedroom decorated with sunflowers and lilies. “Thanks for the warning,” I mutter to myself as I look around what could only be Princess Celestia’s royal chambers. Now then, let’s find the Princess, I think to myself.
“But Lulu!” says a whiny voice outside the room.
“No ‘buts’ Celestia!” replies a stern voice. “Thou art going to sleep in thy chambers this night, and when thy art feeling better, thou shall send an apology to Our and thine subjects for the chaos thou hast caused to-night!”
“They didn’t mind!” Celestia protests. “They were having fun!”
“They had looks of utmost terror, Sister!” Luna says incredulously. “And they had them on rightly! For naught, Celestia, for naught!”
“You’re just mad that I hit on that cute human before you did,” the Sun Princess pouted sulkily.
Luna pauses for a minute before resuming. “We will admit that we find Sebastian Espinosa attractive,” she says diplomatically. “But that had nothing to do with the choices We made to-night.”
Oh this just gets BETTER and BETTER, doesn’t it?! I think sarcastically. The chances that I’ll get killed HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!
“Please,” continued Celestia in a nasty tone. “You wouldn’t know what to do with an attractive ANYTHING even if one came knocking at the door!”
“Doth thine even hath FEELINGS for the human, Celestia?” Luna asks indignantly.
There’s a slight pause. “He’s alright, I suppose,” she admits.
“How very typical,” Luna says sardonically. “The great Celestia hogging every available organism to mate with!”
“Well, EXCUUUSE MEEEE, PRINCESS!” she yelled back. “You were the one with the ‘holier than thou’ complex!”
“Just because We are conservative does not indicate that thine must pick up the scraps,” comes the snide reply.
“And what’s THAT supposed to mean, Luna?!” Celestia asks angrily.
“Oh, please, Sister, hath thine drinking affected thine hearing as well as thine intelligence?”
“You know what, I don’t have to take this!” Celestia yelled angrily. “Goodnight, DEAREST SISTER!”
“Goodnight to you too!” and with a huff, I see a bright flash of blue under the door.
It suddenly occurs to me that Celestia was coming into the room. I swear to God, Sparkler, if this doesn’t work, I’ll get you, and you’re little TARDIS too! I groan inwardly as the door opens.
Celestia stomps in, her hair still pink. “Stupid Luna, ruining all my fun,” she mutters to herself, telepathically taking off her earrings and throwing them on her dresser. “It’s always like this, she never cuts me any slack at all! Honestly, she thinks she’s Mom or something!”
I take a deep breath and step out into the range of fire. “Hello there, Celestia!” I say in what I hope is an attractive voice.
She turns to me in surprise and looks at me incredulously. “What are you doing here?” she asks, almost as if I was too good to be true.
I chuckle. “Please, how could I stay away?” Damn, I’m GOOD! I think to myself as I slowly walk towards her.
Her look of surprise turns into one of perversion. “Well, aren’t you a naughty boy?” she coos as I go closer. “I guess you’ll just have to be punished, won’t you?”
It suddenly realize what could happen if my companion was late. Damn it, Sparkler, where are you?! I think frantically. However, I manage to keep my cool on the outside. “You don’t say?”
“I do say,” she chuckles. “And I’m a princess, so what I say, goes!” Suddenly, two pure white wings flare out of her back. “Oops,” she giggles naughtily. “How unladylike of me!”
I start to feel my character crack as she gets closer. “Well, let’s not rush things now,” I stammer nervously.
“Who said I’d want that?” she croons, pinning me against the wall. “I’m going to take it nice and slow with you, my little human, so that I can enjoy every INCH of you.”
I feel a triple combination of fear, arousal, and shame. “Well, uh, that’s really awesome and all, but you see, I JUST remembered that I don’t have any condoms on me, so I’ll just be on my-“
Suddenly, the TARDIS smashes through the wall, and Sparkler leaps out. “BONSAI!” she yells, and she forces a small band over Celestia’s head.
My captor looks surprised. “Wait what’s going on…” she moans, and she slumps over on the ground, freeing me from her grasp.
I shoot a nasty look at Sparkler. “What the hell took you so long?!” I ask indignantly.
She grins sheepishly. “Sorry, but I forgot to take into account that Celestia’s drunk, not stupid. As soon as she saw you in the room, she tightened magical security around the room!”
I roll my eyes. “Whatever. Let’s just get out of here before anyone notices the hole in the- Hey, where’d it go?”
Sure enough, the giant gap that was caused by the TARDIS had disappeared. Sparkler just sighs. “Hello? It’s a magic building!”
“Oh. Well… good for the building, I suppose,” I say lamely. I look down at the crumpled princess at my feet and sigh. “You know, she was full of so much dignity… What happened?”
“Alcohol, Sebastian,” Sparkler says gravely. “Alcohol happened.”
I nod solemnly. “I suppose so…”
She glances over to me. “Well… you two sure advanced further than I thought you guys would…”
I give her a look. “What do you mean?”
She grins slyly. “I mean, you got her wings flared out and everything! You really are a fast worker, aren’t you?”
“Wait, what does that have to do with any- Oh,” I say in realization. “I nearly forgot about wing-boners. Guess they’re real after all.”
We stand around awkwardly for a little before Sparkler breaks the silence. “So, you want me to drop you off back at your time?”
I think for a second before responding. “We still have one last thing left to do…”

One Hour Later…

I put the nude, unconscious Applejack on the bed next to my past self. “Alright, now hand me the cuffs,” I say grimly.
Sparkler floats the cuffs over, and I lock them with a satisfying click. “Now, you left the note with the Princesses, right?”
“Yup!” she nods cheerfully. “I also left the back window open so that Past Sparkler can get in!”
“Well, now I can go home,” I sigh in relief. I turn around to see myself sleeping, and I give him (me?) a grin. “Man, are YOU in luck for tonight!” I chuckle.
The TARDIS fades into existence. “Now, if you’re done patting yourself on the back, we’ve gotta go,” Sparkler says impatiently.
I sigh and give myself one last look. Knock ‘em dead, Sebastian, I think to myself as I step into the light of the TARDIS.


> Chapter the Nineteenth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Nineteenth, or “In Which Life Starts Again… Again”


I sigh in relief as I step into the brightly lit TARDIS. “Ok, now that we’re done with that, I have a few more questions to ask you.” I say to Sparkler.
She turns around with a smile. “What’s up?” she asks, all her past impatience apparently evaporating into thin air.
“Are you a Time Lord?” I ask bluntly.
She seems a little taken aback, but recovers quickly. “One of the last,” she says proudly, “Though I prefer the title ‘Time Lady’, or possibly ‘Time Mistress’!”
“Alright, next one,” I continue. “Has Fluttershy already come aboard?”
She gives me a wry grin. “Yes and no. Yes for me, because that’s in my past, but no for you, because it’s in your future!”
I chuckle at this. “Wibbly-wobbly…”
She gives me a strange look. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” I say, clearing my throat. “Now, last question: Who are you? I mean, to me, who are you?”
Her smile drops off her face. “I…can’t tell you,” she admits. “It’ll interfere with the timeline, and… well, a bunch of bad stuff could happen!”
“So you ARE someone significant to me, then?” I say with a grin.
Realizing what I just said, she becomes furious. “You know, you just HAVE to be a smart ass, don’t you?!” she yells at me. “You just CAN’T keep your stupid, crooked nose out of things you shouldn’t know, can’t you?!”
I stare at her, surprised yet again at her dramatic mood change. “Ok, THAT was uncalled for,” I say sulkily.
She lets out a deep breath. “Sorry, it’s just… I had to keep in a lot of feelings when we knew each other, and… Well, now I have trouble keeping any emotions under wraps!” She suddenly gives me a steely look. “But I’m not going to control one emotion I’m feeling now,” she says sternly, and without another word, she grabs me by the shirt collar and presses her lips to mine.
I simply take it, stunned by this girl’s unpredictability. Well shit, didn’t see THIS one coming.
She pulls away and gasps for air. “I always told myself I’d do that to you when I’d get the chance,” she says breathlessly, and she hugs me close. “It’s just been so long,” she says, choking up a little. “I’ve missed you so much…”
I awkwardly pat her on the back. “Uh… There, there?”
She pulls away and gives me a tearful smile. “Sorry,” she says sheepishly. “It’s just been a while since I’ve seen anyone familiar, and you’re… special to me.”
I give her a gentle smile. “Well, I didn’t mind it so much,” I admit.
She gives me a grin. “You better have not! I worked up the courage to do that for years!”
I raise my eyebrows. “Just exactly how long have you known me?”
She blushes and turns to the control console of the TARDIS.  “Well, I guess I better leave you at your own time!” she says loudly. “TARDIS, activate sequence Alpha-5-Gamma-Victor!”
The TARDIS gives an obedient hum before stopping. I turn to her with a small smile. “So, this is good-bye?” I ask.
She nods. “For a few months, at least,” she grins. “At least, YOU won’t see me… But I’LL see you!”
I give her a look. “What do you mean by-“
“Spoilers!” she laughs, and she playfully shoves me out the TARDIS door.
I turn just in time to see the time machine slide in and out of reality before disappearing completely. I feel the air where it once stood, only to wave my hand around empty space. Ah well, at least I’ll see her sooner or later! I look around to see that I was in my own room. I wonder what time it is… I pull out my phone to see that she had left me three hours earlier than when I woke up. Well, good for you, Sparkler, I think sarcastically. I’ve got three hours of complete boredom ahead of me- Wait, what was that?
I was referring to a noise coming from Fluttershy’s room. I wait a little before hearing what’s clearly a female groan. [iOh shit, Fluttershy’s in trouble!], I think frantically. I grab my lamp from my bedside drawer and sneak over to the hall. “Anyone there?” I call out. “I’m warning you, I’m armed!”
Suddenly, a scream pierces the air. I panic and run to Fluttershy’s door. “DON’T WORRY, FLUTTERSHY, I’M COMING!!” I bellow as I attempt to break down the door.
The wood gives and I enter the room, looking around frantically for signs of danger. “Alright, punk, you’ve got ten seconds to come out or I swear to God, I’ll beat your head in with-SWEET GOD, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!”
What I saw was, if anything, worse than what I thought I’d see: Rarity and Big Mac, in the bed, looking like two deer in headlights. “Oh, um… Hello there, Darling!” Rarity smiles sheepishly.
When I realize what was going on, I feel my anger start to boil. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!”
Mac’s eyes widen. “Sebastian, Ah swear, we can explain-“
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” I snarl at him. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TWO!! BETRAYING FLUTTERSHY LIKE THIS!”
“No, Darling, see, it’s just a big misunderstanding!” pleads Rarity. “Just calm down and we’ll try to-“
“DON’T ‘DARLING’ ME, BABYLON!” I growl. “YOU’RE FLUTTERSHY’S BEST FRIEND, AND YOU CHEAT ON HER WITH HER BOYFRIEND?! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU-“
“SEBASTIAAAAAAN!!” yells a third voice behind me. I turn to find none other than Fluttershy, wearing fishnet tights, a leather corset, and apparently... nothing else.
I do a double take as I look at her. “Fluttershy?!” I ask incredulously. “What’s going on, and more importantly, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!”
She gives a shy squeak and folds her arms over her chest defensively. “I’m sorry for yelling,” she says meekly. “It’s just… Well, Rarity and Big Mac were trying to explain, and you wouldn’t let them, so…”
I turn to Big Mac and Rarity, and then back to her. “You mean this is a-“
“Threesome?” finishes Rarity wryly. “Well, it WAS.”
“But then you came in, and I got scared, and you saw Mackie and Rarity together, and you just started to yell, and… It just all got mixed up,” concludes Fluttershy meekly. “I’m so sorry about all this…”
“No, no, it’s fine,” I say hurriedly, smiling weakly. I turn to the other two. “Oh, and sorry to you guys too, especially about the ‘Babylon’ comment.”
Rarity gives me a confused look. “Was there anything to be offended about?”
I pause before answering. “Uh… noooo…”
Rarity stares at me before continuing. “Well, now that we’ve got all the formalities out of the way, I think it’s safe to assume that we can continue?”
I snap out of my shock-induced stupor. “Right, so I’ll be going now-“
“Not so fast, Darling,” she smirks, patting a spot on the bed beside her. “We always have room for one more, you know...”
I look to Fluttershy incredulously. “She’s not serious, is she?” I ask, alarmed.
My roommate takes a deep breath and slowly uncovers her chest. “I mean, if you wouldn’t mind much,” she says, smiling shyly. “I would really like that... What about you, Mackie?”
Mac’s face clearly indicates that he did indeed mind a great deal, but he shrugs. “Ah guess so,” he says dejectedly.
I look to the two lovely women in the room. Well, it wouldn’t be SO bad, I think to myself.
Wait, yes it would be! I mean, come on man, Fluttershy?! What? Did the preschool run out of victims?!
Oh, come on, she’s not some angel or anything! I argue back. We both know the kinky shit she’s into. Case in point: SHE’S WEARING A FUCKING DOMINATRIX OUTFIT!!!
Still, man, it’s not right! Remember the show, man! Remember how mad you used to get at the idea of someone clopping to Fluttershy!
Ok, the show is over, and Fluttershy isn’t a cartoon anymore! Besides, SHE’S SOOOO HOT!
True… well, how about this? I try to defend against myself. You’ve got a thing with Applejack! How would she feel if she found out you had a foursome with her brother!
Well, she DID say no strings attached! Besides, technically speaking, you won’t be with her for more than 2 hours!
“Uh, Sebastian?” asks Fluttershy timidly. “Are you ok?”
I look up to see that everyone’s looking at me expectantly. Oh shit, they’re still here, I think.
No shit, Sherlock, I say back to myself mockingly.
Fluttershy takes the opportunity to cling to my arm. I look down to see she has her massive blue puppy eyes fixed on me. “You know, if this is too weird for you, you can leave,” she says quietly. “But it’ll make me very disappointed…”
C’mon, man, how can you say no to a face like that?! I ask myself incredulously.
Well… I guess you’re right…
Of course I’m right! I snap back at myself. I’m you, dumbass!
I sigh in defeat. “Damn these humanized ponies…” I mutter as I unbutton my shirt.

Thirty minutes later…

I lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Congrats, Sebastian. You’ve officially hit rock bottom!
“Are we really rock bottom for you, Darling?” a sweet voice asks playfully.
I turn to find Rarity lying beside me with a smirk on her face. “How the hell did you know what I was thinking?!” I ask incredulously.
She gives me a chuckle. “It’s called a psychic bond, darling,” she explains as her hand creeps onto my chest. “We unicorns gain a mental link to the people we… copulate with. It normally lasts for a day or so.”
I raise my eyebrows. “So what am I thinking about now?” I ask. Tacos.
She giggles a little. “Tacos, I suppose.”
Damn it, I think to myself, but I shake my head and move on. “So can I read your mind?”
“I’m not completely sure,” she admits. “I’ve only had this with a few other people, I’m afraid.”
I snicker. “You know, I’ve never heard a girl say that she was afraid she’s only been with a few other people.”
Realizing what I was saying, she slaps me hard on the chest. “And to think, I was under the impression you were a gentleman!” she says sharply.
I chuckle a bit as I rub the painful red mark on my skin. “Oh, come on! You walked right into that one!”
With a huff, she turns her back to me. “Perhaps it would be best if you left me alone,” she says sulkily.
“Oh, come on Rarity!” I say playfully. “Isn’t a lady supposed to take jokes with humor and grace?”
She looks over to me warily. “True…”
I wrap my arms around her. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” I croon, running my hands down her sides. “I should have treated a lady of your caliber with more respect!”
She sighs and turns to me again. “Well, you certainly are a charmer,” she admits, wrapping my arms around me. Suddenly, her expression changes from on of fondness to one of curiousity and she smells my skin. “You smell like Applejack,” she states, almost as if the idea itself was confusing.
I balk at the conversation ahead. “Uh, no I don’t!” I say hurriedly.
“You do!” she exclaims, grin growing wider on her face. “You dog, you!”
“Not so loud!” I plead. “You think I want the big guy to hear that?”
“Too late,” a deep voice rumbles on my other side.


> Chapter The Twentieth
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Twentieth, or “The Morning After”


I cringe as I feel a giant mass of muscle shift beside me. “Oh… so I see you’re up!” I laugh nervously, my voice squeaking a little.
“Eeyup,” he replies.
I turn around to see that his face was no less than an inch or two away from mine. “So… How are you doing there, Big Mac?” I ask, deeply terrified.
“Fine,” he drawls, keeping his deadpan stare. “A bit ticked, Ah suppose.”
Rarity draws herself up to her full height. “Now Mackintosh, you know very well that Applejack’s a grown woman!” she says reprovingly. “She can make her own decisions and doesn’t need you to watch over her like some misguided guardian!”
He chuckles. “Ah know,” he smirks. “Ah just wanted tah see him squirm a bit.”
“So you aren’t going to kill me?” I ask nervously.
“Naw, it’s alright!” he assures me with a small smile. “She’s smart enough tah pick out her men!”
I sigh in relief. “So we’re cool?”
“We’re cool,” he chuckles.
We all lay there awkwardly for a few minutes before I break the silence. “So, what happened to Fluttershy?”
“Sleepin’,” he grunts, pointing behind him. “She always falls asleep after this kinda’ thing.”
I look over him to see that my roommate had curled herself into a ball and had a little smile on her face. “Aw, she’s adorable!” I chuckle.
Mac looks to her with a loving glance. “Yeah, she is, isn’t she?” he says fondly, moving a strand of pink hair from her face.
“Hello?! What am I, chopped liver?!” Rarity asked crossly.
I laugh a little at this. “Are you jealous of your friend, Lady Rarity?” I tease.
She makes the cutest pouty face I’d ever seen. “No, but I enjoy have a few handsome gentlemen fawning over me too, you know!”
I turn to her and give her a leer. “Well, I don’t know about Mac, but I’ll gladly fawn over you,” I growl playfully.
Mac makes a vomiting sound. “Oh please, you two get a room,” he chuckles.
I turn to him with a raised eyebrow. “Were you not here a few minutes ago?” I ask incredulously.
“Mackintosh is always a bit iffy with these sorts of things,” Rarity giggles, leaning over my shoulder. “It took Fluttershy HOURS to convince him to go for our first round!”
“Really?” I ask, surprised. “Huh. Never would have guessed.”
“Well, Ah am,” he says sorely. “These kinda things ain’t mah cup of tea, and if it weren’t for Fluttershy, we wouldn’t be havin’ this conversation.”
I turn to Rarity. “Is that what he’s really thinking?” I ask.
She gives me a rueful smile. “I honestly don’t know,” she admits. “I’ve never had a psychic bond with Mackintosh, seeing as he never… CONCENTRATES on me.”
She explains this with a slight shade of bitterness in her smile. “Well, that’s what I’m here for, right?” I chuckle.
“Actually, I’d better get going,” she says sheepishly. “Sweetie will be asking awkward question’s if I’m not there to see her off to school.” She leans over to me and kisses my cheek. “Good-bye, darling,” she says fondly, and she gets out of bed and goes into the other room, her clothes levitating behind her with a blue aura surrounding them.
I turn to Mackintosh. “Well, seeing as I no longer have any purpose here, I might as well get going too, so-”
“Actually, Ah’d like for y’all to stay a bit,” he interrupts, shifting towards me.
I feel a cold fear grip my innards. “Please don’t take my booty,” I plead in a pathetic voice. “It’s so tight and well-formed and it took a long time to get this way!”
He lets out a hearty chuckle. “You wish,” he smirks. “Nah, Ah just wanna talk.”
I give him a look. “Then can we please do this in a slightly less homosexual way? Preferably over breakfast?”
He pauses for a moment. “Ah reckon that’d be better,” he admits before getting up from the bed, wrapped in covers. “Pass me those boxers, will ya?”
I turn to find a pair of green and red shorts right next to where my face was lying a few seconds ago. I hold it as far away from me as possible. “Oh God, please tell me those aren't what you had on earlier,” I groan.
“Aw, shut up, ya big ninny,” he smirks as he grabs them from my hand. “See ya in the kitchen in a few.” And with that, he strides out of the room, leaving me and Fluttershy alone.
I sigh and turn to Fluttershy, who’s still sleeping with an angelic peace on her face. Maybe rock bottom isn’t so bad after all, I think as I fondly ruffle her pink hair.
She sighs sweetly and murmurs something I couldn’t quite pick up. “Later, Shy,” I smile as I get up from the bed and search for my clothes.

A few minutes later…

I walk in to find Big Mac fully dressed, sipping a cup of coffee thoughtfully with a pad of notebook paper sitting beside him. When he sees me, he nods toward the seat in front of him. “Y’all want some coffee?” he asks.
I grin as I turn to the cabinet and get myself my own coffee capsule from the box. “I’ve got it, thanks. Anyways, I thought this was MY apartment?”
He chuckles. “Sorry. Force o’ habit. Anyways, Ah suppose y’all be wantin’ a bit of an explanation?”
I pop open my capsule into a mug full of water. Within seconds, the powder causes the water to turn a dark brown and heat up. “Look, it’s Fluttershy’s apartment too. You guys can do whatever you want as long as you keep the noise down!”
“That wasn’t what Ah was talkin’ about,” he says quietly, sipping his coffee. “Ah’m talkin’ ‘bout your business with Miss Sparkler.”
I choke on my hot coffee. “What did you just say?!” I gasp, feeling my throat burn.
He chuckles. “Believe it or not, Ah ain’t just a dumb hick,” he grins. “Ah can tell when someone’s been travelin’ with Sparkler! Ah AM pretty surprised y’all managed tah survive my spell, though. First time Ah tested it, Ah nearly blew up the guinea pig!”
I stare at him incredulously. “What do you mean, YOUR spell!  You can’t even perform magic!”
He gives me a smirk. “That don’t mean Ah’m an idiot, though. Ah was once professor of magical theory at Celestia’s School fer Gifted Unicorns!”
“Ok, something isn’t adding up: How can you TEACH magical theory if you can’t PERFORM magic?!”
He takes the pad of notebook paper and shows me a string of complex math problems. “It’s all numbers, if ya think about it,” he explains, pointing a finger at a specific formula. “Y’all know what this is?”
I stare at the line of numbers before shaking my head. “I can’t tell,” I admit sheepishly. “I know it has something to do with physics, though!”
He grins. “Close. It’s the formula fer sustainable telekinesis.”
I do a double take as try to see where the string of symbols and numbers would equal making an object float in the air. After a scrutinizing a bit, I shake my head and give up. “That explains the teaching part, I suppose… But how could you invent a spell?”
He flips the page, showing me an infinitely more complicated equation. “This is the formula fer chronic teleportation, or as Sparkler puts it, ‘time jumpin’,” he says with a little smirk. “Ah was tha one who wrote it.”
I stare at him, trying to imagine him crunched up behind a desk, working out math problems. “So if YOU were the one who made it, and you’ve already got it on paper, why not use it now to reverse all of the crap that’s gone on before?”
He chuckles. “Three reasons, mainly: One, Sparkler made sure there were a few mistakes in tha formula that I wouldn’t be able tah find so that Ah wouldn’t go blabbin’ about it till it was tha right time. Ah’m not gonna risk someone getting’ hurt cause of mah spell, so Ah’ll leave it be fer a while. Two,” he continues, holding up the appropriate amount of fingers, “we’re in a different dimension, so adapting tha spell to hop between dimensions would take ‘bout ten years, and that’s not countin’ going back in time as well. Finally, three: Can’t risk messin’ up tha time line at all. Any change that hasn’t been accounted for could have MASSIVE consequences.”
“Well, I feel stupid for not thinking about the last one,” I mutter under my breath.
He nods sagely. “Eeyup.”
“Anyways,” I continue, “how’d you meet Sparkler in the first place?”
“It was kinda an accident, believe it or not,” he grins ruefully. “Ah was workin’ on tha farm, barely outta foal-hood, when Ah saw this big blue box crash into tha orchard! Ah went out to investigate, and Ah find this beautiful mare with purple fur and a purple mane, babbling to herself how she hadn’t been a pony in ages. She takes one look at me and tackles me into a hug, cryin’ and tellin’ me how much she missed me and a bunch of nonsense. Ah went travelin with her fer about two weeks in her box, and Ah managed to get back home three minutes earlier! Ah’ve looked at things differently since then,” he sighs reminiscently.
“And you still remember all this?!” I ask, amazed.
“Ya don’t forget someone like Sparkler,” he grins. “She’s like fire and ice and rage… like night and a storm in tha middle of tha sun… Plus, she helped me find mah Special Skill!”
I raise an eyebrow. “Kicking the shit out of apple trees?”
He smirks and crumples up an empty sheet of paper from his pad. He throws it with a casual flick, causing it to ricochet off the walls all over the room before landing squarely into the trashcans. “Ah don’t think Ah’d ever get an interest in physics if it weren’t fer Sparkler,” he chuckles. “Ah was a bit simple minded back then, ya see.”
I stare in amazement at the spectacular shot. “You’ve got to show me how to throw like that some time,” I say in amazement.
“Maybe,” he smiles. “Now, why don’t ya tell me what happened between you and Sparkler?”
I grin and tell him my story. When I finish, it’s he that has the look of amazement on his face. “Ya’ll two KISSED?!” he says incredulously.
“Please, you think any woman can resist me?,” I say with a smug smirk.
He runs his hand through his scruffy reddish-blonde hair. “So if she knew ya, and she had such strong feelins right off tha bat… She has tah be someone who’s livin here right now!” he declares.
I nod. “That’s what I was thinking. The problem is that I can’t think of anyone at all!”
Mac stays quiet for a moment with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Well, there might be someone,” he says slowly.
My eyes widen in surprise. “Who do you think it could be?”
He thinks a little more, but then shakes his head. “Nah, that wouldn’t work at all…”
I start feeling a surge of impatience. “Just spit it out already, you dumb hick!”
He gives me a look of slight resentment but goes on. “Well, Ah think it might just be Miss Twilight…”
I give him a look of utmost disbelief. “TWIGHLIGHT SPARKLE?!” I say incredulously.
He winces slightly. “Sisters, Sebastian, not so loud,” he groans, rubbing his ears “Anyways, Ah’m just sayin’, it’d make sense. Both of ‘em have purple hair, can use magic, and are pretty damn smart. It could be worth a thought or two.”
I try to visualize the two women in my head before shaking my head. “Can’t be,” I say dismissively. “Sparkler’s human form looks completely different from Twilight’s.”
Mac raises his eyebrows. “How so?”
“Well, Twi’s shorter, her skin’s darker, and she carries herself differently. Plus, Sparkler’s impulsive, has rapid mood swings, and is a lot more emotional than Twi,’ I explain, counting off the differences with my fingers.
“Well, there’s that,” Mac admits. “But knowin’ Miss Twi, it wouldn’t be so hard for her future self to invent some sort of disguise spell. Maybe she didn’t want to interrupt the timeline, so she changed herself before travelin’ in the TARDIS.”
I shrug. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, huh?”
Mac nods. “Eeyup.”
We both sit there for a while, sipping our coffees. I decide to break the silence. “So are we friends?” I ask bluntly.
He pauses and thinks it over. “Ah guess so,” he says unsurely.
“I mean, we barely hang out,” I continue, putting down my coffee, “and the only reason you come here so often is because Fluttershy lives here.”
He nods. “Eeyup. Still, Shy seems to like ya, so Ah guess ya can’t be all that bad…”
“Oh come on, Fluttershy could like anyone,” I point out.
He chuckles. “Yeah, Ah guess so… Still, ya don’t seem too bad from what Ah’ve heard talkin to ya, so maybe we are friends.”
Awkward silence takes over again as we both run out of things to say. “Well, Ah best check on Fluttershy,” Mac says to no one in particular.
I nod. “I probably should go to Twi’s for a while to see how she’s doing. It’s almost time for us to go to work, after all.”
“Eeyup. See ya later,” he says, turning to go to Fluttershy’s room.
“Later,” I wave halfheartedly, going out the apartment door to find my probably hung-over secretary.
> Chapter the Twenty First
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Twenty First, or “In Which We Move On With Our Lives”

I stop outside of Twilight’s door, which was right across the hall from us. Ok, Sebastian, just stay chill, stay focused, and let her see that handsome smile of yours!  I grin to myself, checking how I looked in the hallway mirror.
Whoa, there, bucko! I scold myself. Four people in one morning are enough for you! Tone down the charm a bit, will ya? I automatically adjust my face to be a little more serious.
Jesus, kid, where are you going with that face, a funeral? A weasely, Gilbert Gottfried-like voice asks mockingly in my head. At least give her something to think about in the shower!
Your hormones, you must not let control you, a Yoda voice replies warningly.
Indeed, young Sebastian, use the Force- the Force of Self Control! An Obi-Wan voice agrees.
Well, there’s a question you gotta ask yourself. A tough voice suggests. ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do you, punk?!
I look at my reflection wearily and see that it’s just as confused as I am. “Time for my medicine,” I mutter, and I reluctantly pull out a green inhaler from my shirt pocket. I close my eyes and take a deep huff, feeling the rancid aerosol spread through my mouth. I suck in as much air as I can before finally pulling the damn thing out of my mouth. Alrighty then, are we cool everyone? I ask myself mentally.
No one answers back. 
I sigh in relief and proceed with the task ahead. “Twi?” I call, knocking on her door. “It’s me, Sebastian. Are you ready for work?”
A small moan is my only response. “Twi? You ok?” I call, starting to get worried.
”Sebastian… Help…” Twi’s voice cries weakly.
I start frantically trying to open the door, but the knob stays firm. “Don’t worry, Twi, I’ll be there soon!” I yell through the door.
“Hurry…” she moans. “It hurts so much…”
I pull out my credit card and jam it between the lock and the door frame. It works, and I burst through the door, looking around frantically. “Twilight?! Where are you?!” I cry out, searching around the apartment.
“Not so loud…” she groans pathetically. I find her sitting at the table, wearing a lavender night robe and fuzzy pink slippers. She looks absolutely awful, clutching her head between her hands. “Oh, my head…”
I let out a sigh of relief. “God Twi, you nearly gave me a heart attack!”
She just groans and starts rocking back in forth in her chair. “Ugh, is this what alcohol normally does?” she asks unsteadily.
I try to restrain my laugh. “Yeah, hangovers suck, don’t they?” I say wryly. “It can feel like your head is going to burst- Oh God no,” I stop dead in the middle of my sentence, suddenly remembering what Sparkler had told me:
Do you KNOW the psychic energy a hang-over can cause? It’s enough to give you humans, who by the way, have a microscopic amount of magic, a massive head-ache! With the standard unicorn, that equates to an energy beam to the tune of a gigawatt of power!
“HIT THE DECK!!!” I cry to no one in particular, and I leap behind Twilight’s couch.
She looks blearily to me. “Please, not so- BWAAAAAAH!!!” Her eyes bug out, her lips turn bright red and puffy, and a massive beam of energy suddenly blasts out of her mouth, scorching the nearest wall.
Damn, that would have been funny if it weren’t so fucking scary, I think to myself as I watched the charred hole in the wall slowly reform itself back to its original state. Suddenly remembering why I was here, I turn to her to find that she was already looking better. “I assume you’re feeling ok now?” I smirk.
She shakes her head like a dog trying to get dry. “Wha?” she asks dazedly.
I chuckle and help her up off the chair. “C’mon sweetie, time to get dressed and ready for work!” I chuckle.
Suddenly, as if realizing where she was, she shakes me off and looks at me reproachfully. “Don’t ‘sweetie’ me, mister!” she growls, pulling herself away from me. “I’m still mad about last night!”
The smile slips off my face. “Oh yeah…” I say, scratching the back of my head sheepishly.
She gives me an icy glare and snaps her fingers. Within seconds, she’s dressed in a purple blouse and black pencil skirt, with her done up in a tight bun. Combined with her pink glasses and the evil eye she’s giving me, she looks like the world’s most pissed off librarian fantasy. “Let’s just go,” she mutters, marching past me with her pink purse floating after her.
I try to grab her shoulder. “Twi, wait up- AAAAAH!”
As soon as I touch her, her eyes glow a bright, angry pink. I feel a shock course through my arms and I’m thrown back about nine feet away from her.
Realizing what she’s done, she gasps and runs over to where she blasted me. “Oh Sisters, I’m so sorry Sebastian!” she cries as she tries to help me up.
I moan a little, trying to get my teeth to stop chattering. “W-w-w-wha-a-at j-j-just ha-ha-happened?” I ask shakily.
She hits herself over the head with her floating purse. “I’m really, really sorry, I just lost control!” she explains frantically. Her hands grow light pink and I feel a soothing aura suddenly wash over me as she grabs my hand. “I was just so mad about last night for some stupid reason, and I just didn’t want to talk to you, which was stupid, cause we were drunk anyways and we didn’t know what we were doing, and-“
“Ok, ok, it’s fine!” I say loudly, putting my hand on her shoulder to make her stop.
She looks at me with big, watery eyes. “Really?” she asks softly.
I smile gently at her. “Yeah, don’t worry about it,” I assure her. “We all lose control now and then!”
She sighs in relief and hugs me close. “Oh thank the Sisters,” she sighs, in relief. “I was so scared I really hurt you…”
I chuckle and pat her back to calm her down. “Trust me, you’ve only ranked as the fifth most painful thing a girl’s ever done to me when she was pissed!”
She lets out a noise between a giggle and a sob. “What was the first?” she asks, her question muffled by my shirt.
I pull away from her gently and grin. “Well, the scars are in a place I don’t generally show to the public…”
She blushes bright pink and buries her face into my chest. “Sorry, I guess I got too personal…” she murmurs.
I smirk. “Because you know, this right here isn’t personal at all!” I chuckle.
She suddenly pulls away, jumping a good nine feet away from me. “Oh Sisters, I keep doing that!” she says angrily to herself.
I laugh and get up by myself. “Don’t worry; I have that effect on women.” I grin cockily.
In response, her floating purse promptly smacks me upside the head. “Well, at least I know you’re ok now,” Twilight says with a grudging smile.
I grin wryly as I rub my head. “Glad to put your mind at ease, Twi.”
She laughs and walks closer to me. Her hand begins to glow again, and she touches my head. “That better?” she asks, moving her hand around.
I sigh in relief as the healing aura courses through me. “Thanks, Twilight,” I say gratefully. “What’s in that purse of yours, anyways? Stone bricks?”
She sticks out her tongue in a playful manner. “If you must know,” she says in an adorable know-it-all voice, “I put a space-extending spell on the inside of my purse so that I can be ready for anything!”
I scoff. “Really, Twilight, you couldn’t fit EVERYTHING in there!”
She gives me a grin. “Try me,” she challenges.
I roll my eyes. “Alright, how about if there was a flood and-“
Without giving me time to finish, she promptly shakes her bag, and a sturdy red plastic kayak with enough room to suit two people plops out. “You were saying?” she smirks.
My jaw drops to the floor. “Jesus, Twi, that purse must weigh a fuck-ton! How the hell can you even lift it?!”
She giggles. “Telekinesis is all about surface area, not mass,” she explains. “As long as the object’s small enough for me to keep my focus on it, I don’t have too much trouble lifting it!”
And thus, the Force is explained I think to myself. “Well, we’ve still got an hour to kill.” I say offhandedly. “What would you like to do?”
She thinks a bit before shrugging. “I don’t know… Hey, aren’t those the same clothes you were wearing yesterday?”
I look down to find that I was indeed in the same suit I went to work in the day before. “I guess you’re right,” I admit. “I didn’t really have time to change when I came down here.”
“Wait, why would you come down here in a hurry?” she asks curiously.
I suddenly realize where this conversation would eventually drift to. “You know what, I’ll go change right now,” I stammer nervously.
Twilight nearly jumps at the opportunity. “Oh, let me come!” she says excitedly. “I still haven’t had a chance to examine human male physiology!”
I start to say no, but an idea pops into my head. You know, it’ll only take a second, I assure myself.

What?! No way, man! What happened to four people in one morning is enough?! I mentally scream back.
Oh come on, she’s begging for it like a bitch in heat! I whine back. Let’s just have sex with her a little!
How the hell can you have sex with someone “just a little”? I demand.
…Very carefully?
Yeah, how about NO?!
Fine… Asshole…
I let out a deep breath and look her in the eye. “Not today,” I say firmly, and ignoring her bewildered expression, I promptly turn around and go across the hall without looking back.

Ten minutes later…

I walk back into Twilight’s apartment with a fresh suit and tie. “Hey Twi, I’m back!” I call into the room.
“I’m in the kitchen!” she calls back.
Where every woman should be, I snicker to myself.
You fucking sexist pig, I think back reprovingly as I sit down at her fairly modern table. “What are you cooking?” I ask upon seeing her at the stove.
She turns around with a fairly grumpy expression on her face. “Well, it WAS going to be a hay omelet,” she groans, pulling a small black, flat object from her frying pan.
chuckle. “Paula Dean, you are not, Twi.” I smirk.
She gives me a quizzical look. ”Who?”
“Forget it,” I say dismissively. “So I assume you’ve got the schedule for today, right?”
She nods and a small phone with a pink aura around it floats over to her. “You’re meeting with a client today at nine, giving a lecture at Emory at twelve-thirty, and you’ve got a psychiatrist appointment with Dr. Clark… I didn’t know you went to a psychiatrist!”
I raise an eyebrow. “What’s the big deal? There are tons of things you don’t know about me,” I say rather coldly.
She blushes and quickly looks away. “Sorry… it’s just that you seem so… confident! Why would you need help?”
I shrug. “Hey, no one’s perfect, Twi, not even me! Of course,” I add with a playful wink, “I’m pretty damn close.”
Her purse hits me upside the head again. “Quit it!” she say, annoyed.
I give a small grunt of exasperation as I rub my head tenderly. “Quit what?”
“Quit being such a flirt!” she snapped back.
“I’m not flirting!” I say defensively. “I’m just trying to be funny!”
“Oh, please!” she huffs. “All you ever do is strut around like a peacock, grinning and looking so damn pleased with yourself! You think you’re so smart, and so funny, and so handsome, and so muscular-“
“You think I’m muscular?” I ask, surprised.
She turns a bright shade of pink. “No!” she says a bit too loudly. ‘You just act like it, pushing out your chest and flaunting your heavenly biceps-”
I burst out laughing. “Are you even hearing yourself talk, Twilight?!”
Her face deepens to tomato red. “SHUT UP!!” she wails, and she goes running into her room, slamming the door behind her.
I groan and get out of the chair, running after her. “Twi?” I call through the door.
“Go away!” she yells back.
“Oh come on, it was just a little joke!” I protest.
A small sigh comes from the other side and the door opens just a crack. ‘It’s not you,” she says in a defeated tone. “It’s just… I really like you, Sebastian!”
Oh shit, here it comes, a voice snickers in my head. I smile nervously at Twi, not quite sure what to say. “Uh… What do you mean by that?”
The door bursts open and Twilight buries her face into my chest. “As in LIKE like you!” she groans. “And I don’t want to scare you off by saying so!”
Seriously, does she even hear the words coming out of her mouth?! I ask nastily to myself.
Come on, that took some guts! I say back in Twilight’s defense. The least you can do is to give her a shot!
But do you really want to? I ask myself.
… No… But it’s not because of her! I just-
Don’t want to lose her?	
I guess so…
The voice snickers in my head. Well, you can’t keep it up forever. Just give it a shot and let’s see how it goes, shall we?
Not now! Just... some other time! Please, just not yet...
The other voice lets out a sharp laugh.Coward.	
I ignore him and look Twilight dead in the eyes. “Look, Twilight, I’m going to be completely honest with you,” I start.
Twilight cuts me off with a groan. “Let me guess,” she says pitifully. “I’m fired and you don’t want anything to do with me?”
“What?! NO!” I say dismissively. “I just want to say that, well… I just can’t get into a relationship right now! I mean, I’ve got this weird thing with Applejack, and I somehow just had a foursome with Rarity, Fluttershy, and Big Mac… I just don’t think I could be the best boyfriend I could be for you right now, “ I admit.
She stays quiet for a while and nods. “I understand,” she says quietly, looking down.
I pull her chin up so that I could see her eyes. “Look, I wish I could be ready for you, but… I’m just not, ok? It’s not you, it’s me,” I assure her.
Way to be original Sebastian, the voice snickers again.
I ignore it and press on. “Look, right now, I’m all over the place Twi, and I’m afraid that if I’m like this with you, then… Well, someone’s bound to get hurt, you know?”
She suddenly gives me a steely glare. “Promise me that when you’re ready, you’ll give me a call,” she demands, pushing her face close to mine. “Promise me that I won’t be just some empty bottle waiting on the shelf to be filled.”
That’s what she said, that damn voice cackled, but I nod solemnly. “I swear, you’ll get the first call.”
She kisses my cheek and goes back into the kitchen without a word. I follow to find that she had telekinetically set the table with milk and cereal. Wordlessly, we sit down and eat breakfast, occasionally stealing glances at the other. Finally, Twilight speaks up. “Just out of curiosity, how exactly did you wind up with Applejack?” she asked.
I grin wryly. “It’s a LOOONG story…”
She giggles a little. “Why not tell me over dinner? As friends, I mean,” she adds quickly.
I chuckle. “Sure. I know this awesome place to get soup…”
> Chapter the Twenty Second
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter the Twenty Second, or “Epilogue”

I wake up suddenly from my bed, gasping for air. God, that was terrifying, I think to myself as I run my hands through my wet hair. Suddenly, a wave of confusion hit me. Wait a sec… what was?
	I throw off the covers of my bed and get up, looking for my glasses. Finding them, I slip them on and try to collect my thoughts. Ok, so let’s recount today… I woke up with Applejack, went back in time with Sparkler, went back to this morning to have a foursome, talked to Mac about spells, went to Twilight’s, went to work, gave the lecture, saw Dr. Clark, got a refill on my prescription, went out to eat with Twi, came back home, went to sleep… What am I so scared of?!
	Suddenly, I hear a small noise, making me jump. “What the hell?!” I yell.
“Sebastian?” says a sleepy voice from outside my room. “Are you ok?”
“Nothing, Shy!” I assure her, still looking around for the source of the noise. “Just hearing things!”
“Do you need your prescription?” she asked helpfully.
“No, I’ve got it here!” I reply. “Just go back to sleep!”
There’s a small pause before she speaks again. “Do you want me to help you relax?” she asks meekly.
“… What kind of relax?” I ask suspiciously.
I can almost picture her blush. “Well, Mackie wouldn’t mind if I went with you for the night and gave you a-“
“NO! No no no!” I cut her off frantically. “No, I don’t need that! But, uh, thanks for the offer!”
Another long pause ensues. “Do you need a hug?” she asks softly.
I think about it before sighing and picking up my clothes, which were next to the bed stand. “Just hold on a sec,” I call.
I pull on a t-shirt and some shorts before going over to the door and opening it. Almost immediately, a pink blur tackles me and hugs me tight. I just sigh and hug back reluctantly. “Thanks, Shy,” I murmur softly. “I needed this.”
She looks up with those beautiful blue eyes of hers. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks quietly.
I shake my head. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” I assure her. “I’ve gone through worse scares.”
She gently kisses my forehead and pulls away. “Goodnight, Sebastian,” she says with a small smile.
“Night, Shy,” I reply, lying back in bed.
She slowly closes the door, leaving me to my thoughts. What could have scared me so badly? I ask myself for the umpteenth time. I don’t remember my nightmare, but the feeling’s still there… the feeling of inescapable doom and horror…
Suddenly, I hear the noise again. Barely stopping myself from screaming, I stay perfectly still for a few minutes. Sure enough, the noise comes back, and I’m able to hear it clearly:
Ra ta ta ta.
	It sounds like… drums?
	I hear the noise again, this time a little more clearly. Ra ta ta ta.
	I move out of my bed quietly, looking around for the source of the noise. Where is that coming from? I ask myself. Is it coming from outside?
	Sure enough, the tiny beating got louder as I move closer to my door. I open it to find it get louder and louder as I move forward. I begin quicken my pace, finding myself first outside of my room, then my apartment, then walking up the stairs. I finally reach the top floor, and by this time the noise had multiplied in loudness. Ra Ta Ta Ta.
Where is it?! I think frantically, searching around me like a blind beggar. My eyes fix themselves on a room right next to the royal suite, drawing my curiosity. I’ve never seen that before…
	As I approach it, the noise only gets louder. Ra Ta Ta TA. Ra Ta TA TA! RA TA TA TA!!! It completely consumes me, drowning out any thought as I approached that damn door. As I stood there, writhing in pain, I hear a voice cut through all the racket.
Open the door, nitwit, he commanded.
Unwittingly, I respond. Almost immediately, the noise stopped, and I was free to open my eyes. I find a small room, occupied by only two things: The first was a familiar blue-haired man, murmuring softly as he tossed and turned on the floor. The second was a grey statue, covered in a pink aura.
The statue was by far the most interesting piece in the room. It seemed to be meshed together by a four year old with a passion for animals. The most disturbing part about it, however, was the look of abject terror it held on its face as it shielded itself from an unknown force.
Discord, I thought to myself. I stood and marveled at the statue before the new voice spoke up.
Feel free to touch, it- or should I say, he- says playfully. Without question, I walk right through the aura and place my hand over the statue’s long, thin body.
Almost immediately, I’m pulled out of my body and flung across the universe. I feel a sudden jolt of power and electricity and rain, all mixed into one, all coursing through my veins. Suddenly, it all stops, and I’m left feeling a strange, hollow feeling. Not hollow in the bad way, hollow as in… detached… I’m surrounded by darkness, a darkness almost comforting yet slightly eerie at the same time… I wish there were some light…
As if to answer my wish, four lights come into view. The first one is an ice blue color, shining with a cold, bright light. The second one is a filthy yellow color, somehow seeming grimy. The third is a dim golden color, clean, but faltering. The last is a poisonous green color, bobbing in and out of sight.
Suddenly, the ice blue light speaks. “Honestly, I don’t see what they think they can accomplish by hiding in that dimension,” it drawled. It was the kind of voice that belonged to a guy you’d really like to punch in the face, the kind you find in smug coffee shops or hipster bars. “As if they can ever hope to run from my power!”
“Of course, sir,” the filthy yellow one said sweetly. This voice sent icy chills over my skin, like I’d just been bathed in cold water. “Nevertheless, we must be cautious. They may have made powerful allies in this new world, and these allies might prove to be a challenge.”
The blue light scoffed. “Please, I could simply erase their existence. I could erase them, rearrange them, make them extinct, rebirth them, then crush them all without even batting an eyelid!”
“Then why don’t you?” the gold light asked sardonically. Unlike the others, this voice sounded tortured and ragged. However, a bit of defiance shines through.
There’s a cold silence before the first light speaks up again. “Why don’t you take your friend back into the torture chamber and rough him up a bit? I’m sure Sombra would love some company there!”
“You know I’m right,” the golden one goes on with quiet pride. “You know you can’t, simply because you don’t have the guts to. What’ll you do with all the power in the world when you’re so worldly yourself? What’ll you do when-”
“SILENCE!!!!” the blue one bellows. The ice blue light suddenly flares, nearly blinding me. It takes a deep breath, dims itself back to its original state, and continues its speech calmly. “I’m sure you know the extent of my powers perfectly well,” he says with restrained rage. “And therefore, you know what will happen if I lose control.”
“Tsk, tsk, Doctor,” the voice from the greasy yellow light says reprovingly. “You know better than to mouth off to our ruler!”
“He’s not really YOUR ruler, is he, Master?” the third voice asks wearily. “You’re only playing the part of sidekick, waiting for the moment to strike.
The first voice chuckles. “Perhaps,” he admits quietly. “but you know me: always ready to play a game!”
The first voice sighs in vain disgust. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Just take that wretch to the dungeons, Time Lord, and do what you please with him.”
“As you wish, Emperor Blueblood,” the second voice says, once again using his oily voice. Both the yellow and the gold lights fade out, leaving only the blue and green lights in my line of sight.
The blue one sighs. “I nearly lost control again,” he mutters angrily.
“Don’t worry about it, my lord,” a seductive voice says comfortably. I realize that the voice is coming from the poisonous-green light. “With one with so much power, you handle it admirably. Sombra couldn’t last a few months without going mad and destroying his empire. Now we have him in the dungeons with that Doctor and that pathetic resistance movement. Everything’s under control!”
“Is it?” the blue light asked quietly, not sounding as pompous and sounding more scared. “I hardly feel like the same stallion I was when I put on this damned amulet, and even less so than when I first discovered this power I wield. Who’s to say that I’m not mad, and that I haven’t just somehow molded the world in my mad image?”
“Let’s not think about that,” purred the green voice. “Instead, let’s focus on crushing the former rulers and their followers. Surely, it can’t be so hard?”
“No…” the blue voice said unsurely, his light growing a bit less icy. “But why should we? We’ve got all that we could ever hope to have. Why waste time and effort searching for them?”
“Because they need to be punished!!” the green voice hissed, losing its former silkiness. “Punished for all they’ve done in the past!! Punished for their crimes against us!!”
There’s a deadly silence before the blue light speaks again. “Yes,” he growls, regaining the arrogant anger exhibited earlier. “They must be punished. But first they must be humiliated. They must know what it’s like to be a mouse in a trap. They must feel the pain that we have. They must feel our anger. And they shall know it in the cruelest way possible.”
“I love the way you talk, my lord,” the green light croons.
“Get away from me, Insect Queen,” the ice cold light said in disgust. “Remember that you are a member in my court, and not the other way around.”
“Yes, my lord,” the green light says reverently.
The icy blue light chuckled. “Perhaps we shall have a use for the two Time Lords after all…”
Suddenly, I feel a falling sensation, as if I were zooming down a hundred stories. My life flashes before my eyes as I brace for impact, and-
Whoa… what just happened?!
	I find myself back in the room with Discord’s statue, my hand still on the twisted shape. I pull away quickly, as if the damned thing would burn me. I look around anxiously, listening for the sound of drums. Finding nothing but Shining Armor’s soft snoring, I sigh in relief and look back up to the mixed-up statue. “Did… Did you just help me?” I ask the statue in quiet amazement.
The statue doesn’t move, but I get the creeping sensation that it had somehow changed. It no longer looked as if it were protecting himself from anything. No, it seemed as if Discord was trying to restrain himself, and the look of horror on his face was replaced with a triumphant cackle.