Twilight walks down the crowed streets of Canterlot, which is lined up to the edge of the city's limits where a pony could fall to their death, when she heard music coming from inside of the building to the left of her. As she moves forward, it grew louder and louder. It sounded like it could be some kind of string instrument. It sounded like nothing she has heard before.
Finally, she finds what it sounds like it could be coming from. And, that was a big surprise to her. From the opposite side of the window of a small building, she reads the sign, "Welcome to Ivanhoof's World of Books."
There is no doubt that the strange music is coming from inside this bookstore that Twilight was looking for after hearing that it opening recently. But, why would there be music from inside?
Underneath the title, there is more that seems to answer her question: "Free Public Dancing."
"Okay."
However, since she came all this way to find it, she might as well go take a look. She walks up to the front door and let herself in.
Immediately right next to the entrance, she finds three ponies up next to the corner. A brown Earth Pony is sitting on a chair, strumming along on a guitar-like instrument to the same tune she heard outside, its body in a triangular shape. The other two, a Blue Pegasus and a Green Unicorn, are one their hind legs, dancing somewhat rhythmically to the tune. All three of them are stallions and they are wearing the same outfits of a black hat and suit. And, she can tell that they are wearing fake beards by large gap in between their chins and the beard themselves.
The store itself is quite modest with its white walls and black selves. As she looks around, though, she cannot help but feel that something is missing here.
Something wrong.
She walks up to the counter, still feeling a little incredulous about what she is seeing. She quickly rang the bell, but she cannot seem to take her eyes off this strange performance. It's actually a bit silly to watch.
From the side door behind the counter, a white Earth Pony with a black handlebar moustache walks out.
"Good afternoon, ma'am."
"Oh, good afternoon," she greeted, now able to ignore the "performance." "I was walking down the street this morning, after associating myself with the princess for some tea, when I start to feel a little...disinterested."
"Disinterested, ma'am?"
"Blasé."
"Huh?"
"I'm bored."
"Oh, is that so?"
"Exceedingly, my good stallion. And, I've heard that a new business that sells my favorite things have opened while I was withdrawn from this fine capital. So, I've decided to curtail my way down here to infiltrate this establishment in order to locate a fine piece of composition for me to construe."
...
"I'm sorry?"
"I like to buy a book."
The book store owner laughs a little. "Oh, forgive me. I thought you were complaining about the music."
"Oh, Celestia forbids," she said, looking, once again, behind, hoping not to look rude, "I always enjoy a good performance of acoustic melody accompanied with frolic movements of the body."
"Excuse me?"
With a big smile, "I like the dancing music you are putting up over there."
Pinkie Pie: Anyways...
"Who said that?" said the bookstore keeper as he looks around to find the culprit. But, Twilight seems to be unaffected.
"Now then, my good stallion," Twilight said, "I would like to purchase a book."
"Oh, of course, ma'am," he said, forgetting about it. "What can I get you?"
"Um...I was wondering if you could get me that one William Shakesmare's play I've been hearing about, uh, Coltiolanus, if you please?"
"Oh, I'm afraid that we don't have that in stock, yet."
"Oh, that's quite alright. Um...well, how about The Adventures of Buckleberry Finn? I've been hearing good things about that one."
"Yes, yes, a fine book, indeed. But, I'm afraid that we don't have that one, either."
"Oh, never mind, then. ...I guess...Don Quicolte will have to do, if you please?"
"Oh, bad luck, ma'am. We've just sold the last copy this morning."
Twilight look at him, a little incredulous. "Really?"
The bookstore keeper fervently nodded his head.
"...Okay. Uh...how about Sense and Sense-a-filly?"
"Well, I did make an order about a week ago . It should have arrived this morning."
Twilight's eye is starting to twitch a little, but she held it in. "Today's not my day, is it?" The bookstore keeper seems to agree a little as he slowly nods his head. "Um...The Pegaswiss Family Robinson?"
"Sorry."
"David Coltperfield?"
"No."
"A Farewell to Hooves?"
"No."
"Journey to the Center of Equestria?"
"No."
"Of Mice and Stallions?"
"No."
"The Three Crusaders?"
"No."
"The Hunchback of Norte-Mane?"
"No."
"A Tale of Two Fillies?"
Thinks about it. "No."
Twilight is starting to lose her patience a bit. "Well, what about...uh...The Great Trixie, I think it was called?"
"Actually, that's the The Great and Powerful Autobiography of The Great and Powerful Trixie, and, no, we don't have that one."
"Darn it!" She was kind of looking forward to that one. "Uh...All Quiet on the Eastern Plot?"
"No."
"Profiles in Harmony?"
"No."
"The Old Mare and the Sea?"
"No."
"Dr. Filly and Mr. Colt?"
"No."
"Lord of the Parasprites?"
"No."
"Frankenstallion?"
"No."
"Mane in the Wind?"
"No."
"Equestria Lost?"
"N-Oh, wait. Yes, yes, we do have one here."
"Oh, that's great," Twilight said, getting a little tired of this guessing game.
"Um," the bookstore keeper said, looking down behind the counter. "It's, uh...it's a little...stained."
"Oh, that's alright. I don't mind it at all." She just wants to get a book and get the heck out of this place.
"Well, it is very, very stained."
"No problem, no problem at all. I would like that one copy of Equestria Lost, if you please?"
...
...
"I think it's more stained then you like it-"
Twilight slams her two hooves on the counter, and said in greeted teeth, "I don't care how exceedingly stained it is, just hand it over at all speed, please?"
"Y-Yes, ma'am." He reaches down to grab it. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!" he cried out in despair with his hooves over his head.
Twilight looks at him in surprise. "...What?"
"Dog ate it."
He said it as if this happens everyday. "Has he?"
"She, ma'am."
You know, that music is starting to get on my nerves. Letting out a frustrated sigh, she press on. "Buck Club?"
"No."
"Fahrenheit 421?"
"No."
"The Cookie Jar?"
"No."
"Invisible Mane?"
"No."
"On Pony Bondage?"
"No."
"You do sell books here, right?"
"Why, of course, ma'am. It is a book store, after all. We have all kinds of genres from many great writers. Why, some of our most popular books-"
"No, no, no, please. I like to guess."
"Fair enough."
"Mmmm...Ivanhoof?"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"Oh, finally. I like to have that one, please?" she said, smiling brightly.
The bookstore keeper looked a bit confused. "Oh. I thought you are referring to me; Mr. Ivanhoof."
Twilight loses her smile, and continues on through her baited teeth. "Battlefield Equestria?"
"No."
"Kon-Pinkie?"
"No."
"Sherlock Hooves?"
"No."
"An Equestrian Comedy?"
"No."
"Equestrian Silly Pony, perhaps?"
"No."
"Uh, how about Party Cannons, Parasprites, and Pointy Things? Or, what about How Apple Cider Saved Equestria?" And, I sure need one, after this.
"That would be a double no, ma'am."
"Ugh," Twilight holds her head as a headache seems to be forming. "I think the writer is starting to run out of puns."
"It would seems so," the bookstore keeper agreed.
"Oh, well, I guess it can't be helped, then. I'll just have to keep this simple. What about The Art of the To-Do List?"
"Oh, I'm afraid that we don't get that much call for that book."
"NOT MUCH CALL?!" Twilight yells, slamming her hooves on the counter. "IT IS, LIKE, THE SINGLE MOST POPULAR BOOK IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA!"
Unaffected, he says, "Not around these here parts, it isn't."
"Then, what, pray tell, is the most popular book in these here parts?"
"Mane Kampf."
...
...
"Really?"
"Yes."
"That's your most popular book?"
"Oh, yes. It is very popular, indeed."
"Is it?"
"Oh, yes. It's our number one seller!
"Is it?"
He nods enthusiastically.
The purple unicorn draws in a very deep breath. "Mane Kampf, you say?" She taps her bottom lip with her left hoof. "Alright, I'm game. Do you have what I'm suspecting would be the answer 'No?'"
"Huh, let me go have a little peek." He walks away, leaving behind a ready to explode unicorn, course he does not know that. As he wave his hoof in the air, "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh-ooooooooooooooooh-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-No."
Twilight, swallowing whatever feeling she had in this bookstore, has to say this. "You know, now that I've think about it and took a good look around a bit, this place is not much of a bookstore, wouldn't you agreed?"
"Finest in the city, ma'am."
"And, what led you to that conclusion?"
Confused, he answers, "Why, it's so clean."
"Well, it, certainly, is uncontaminated by books."
"Well, you've haven't ask about..." He looks both ways, then he motions her forwards with a wave of his hoof. And, in a whisper, "Twilight."
The unicorn looks at him with squinting eyes. "Is it worth it?"
"Could be."
She let herself another round of air. "Alright, fine. Have you got-WILL YOU SHUT THAT #$@&ING DANCING MUSIC UP?!?"
The two dancers and the guitar player stop instantly, looking at the purple unicorn with a surprise look.
"Told you so," the bookstore keeper said, pointing at them.
She clears her throat, turning to the Earth Pony that she is one step away from hurting. Real bad. "Now, then. Do you have Twilight?"
"No."
"Yeah, figures. I knew you were going to say that. It was just blind optimism that forced me to ask that stupid question in the first place." She calms herself down a bit. "Okay, look, be straight with me. Do you have any books, at all, here?"
"Yes, ma'am."
...
"Now, I'm going to ask you that question one more time. And, if you say 'No," I'm going to throw you off the side of this mountain. Now. Do you have any books, at all?"
"No."
Blanketing him with her magic, and with one swing of her body, she hurled the Earth Pony from behind the counter, out the window, and over the side of the mountain.
Which, all the while, he was giving off a very girly scream.
"What a waste of pony life."
She walks past the three scared ponies that are pressed up against the corner of the so-called bookstore and walks out the door.
She figures she will have to cut this trip short. She has this feeling of wanting to see her beloved library in Ponyville again.
The royal chariot of Princess Luna lands next to the building that looks like it was made from thousands of very sweet things. She finds this somewhat ironic concerning the reason she is here.
"Commander," Luna said, turning to her pegasus driver, who is unhooking himself from the harness. "In concern to the missing report from that yellow pegasus known as Fluttershy in concerns to her pet bunny and dozens of other bunnies, we shall visit her after we are done here."
"Very well, Your Majesty," he said.
"Do you have the inquiry in question?"
Swallowing, he said, "Yes, I do," as he looks his saddleback that is holding this 'inquiry in question."
The two enter the premise, where they see a blue, short, and plump earth pony mare. She looks like she getting ready for some sort of delivery.
"Oh, my..." the blue mare stops in her tracks as she sees Luna entering the shop. "P-P-Princess Luna! Oh, no! Couldn't this get any worse?"
Luna raised her eyebrows in confusion of that remark.
"Oh, no, no, no! I didn't mean that, Your Highness!" she said, more sweat now rolling down her face. "Can I get you something to eat? Maybe some nice Discord's Food Cake?"
"That won't be necessary. Mrs. Cake, I presume?"
"Y-Yes, that me."
"I wish to question you and your husband about something."
"Oh, forgive me, Princess, but can this wait until later? My husband and I need to get a delivery ready and go in a few minutes."
"I'm afraid it cannot. This is a matter of Equestrian security."
"Hunny Bunch," a male voice calls out from the back. "Whoever it is, tell them to get the buck out of here! We're busy!"
A silence falls over the main room of the shop. Mrs. Cake starts to sweat more profusely. Luna and the commander are giving her indifferent eyes.
"Uh...d-d-dear," Mrs. Cake calls into the kitchen. "P-Princess Luna is here!"
"I don't care who it is, tell them to get out!"
Mrs. Cake gives off a nervous laugh as her two guests continues to look at her.
"I apologize for coming in on such short notice," Luna said, do feeling genuinely sorry, "and on such a stressful time."
"Oh, thank you for your understanding, Your Highness," she said, bowing down.
"However, as I've said, this concerns Equestrian security, so I cannot prolong this any further then necessary."
"Well, I don't really understand what's this has to do with us, but I can spare a few minutes to answer some of your questions."
"That would be most generous of you," the princess said, smiling as she sits down, which calms the smaller mare more. "So, you and your husband are the sole proprietor of this establishment called 'Sugercube Corner?"
"Yes. We've had it for eight years, now."
Nodding, Luna continues. "And, I understand that you deliver to all corners of Equestria?"
"Oh, yes. Hard to believe that we've made it this far," Mrs. Cake said, feeling very proud.
"Well, I wish to say to you that I, personally think, that you and you husband make some the most delicious treats I've ever had."
"Oh, you are too kind, Princess."
"However, I, also, wish to talk to you about a product from this establishment."
"One of our products?"
"I believe, yes. Commander?"
As if dreading of the moment, the pegasus guard opens the saddlebag and reaches in with his mouth. He pulls out a pink, heart-shape box, with a picture of Ponyville in front of it.
"Thank you," she said, grabbing it with her magic. The Commander seems happy to be rid of it. "Is this one of your products; 'The Wonderfully, Decliously, Tasty Cupcakes of Equestria?'"
"Oh, that one? Yes, it does come from our shop. But, we only sponsor it."
"Sponsor? For who?"
"For Pinkie Pie. She's the one who created it."
"I see,” She had met this Pinkie Pie before. "Where can I meet her?"
"Oh, she lives here."
"She is here at this moment?"
"No, but she should be here any minute now. She’s supposed to take care of our babies while we are doing our delivery. Speaking of which..."
"Well, now that I know who I should be questioning about this, you may continue with what you need to do. Do you mind if we wait here for her?"
"Oh, no. Not at all, Your Highness. Can I get you something to eat or drink while you wait?"
"None for me, thank you. Commander?"
The white pegasus' face looks like it is changing a bit of color.
"Commander?"
"Oh, um..." He said, look at the small blue mare, who is waiting to make her exit. "I'm good, thank you."
Mrs. Cake makes a quick bow and dashes into the kitchen. Inside, they could hear some arguing between the two.
"After what I had from that," the Commander whispers to Luna, pointing to the box, "I don't think I want to take my chances with this place."
"Well, it's only a matter of time until we find out how bad this really is."
7.8 minutes later...
"Why, hello there, Princess."
Luna and the Commander turn around and see the pink earth pony bouncing through the entrance.
"Ah, Ms. Pie. We meet again." Luna said.
"Yep, yep, yep. That's me, alright. And, who is this big guy?"
"This is Commander Blade Runner, Head of my personal security."
"Ma'am," he said, bowing down a little.
"Sooooo," Pinkie Pie said, looking at the Princess. "I just ran into the Cakes on my way here and they said that you wanted to talk to me."
"That is correct. I wish to inquire you on this," she said, lifting the box with her magic for Pinkie Pie to see.
"Oh!" the pink earth pony cried out, bouncing even more frequently. "Did you came here to congratulate me on making such wonderful and delicious cupcakes and you want to give me a medal for it?"
"Uh...I actually wish to talk to you about it. And, it involves some...constructive criticism."
"Oh, I get it. Princess Celestia must be teaching you how to troll."
Luna looks at her with a very confuse look. "Uh...may I proceed?"
"Sure, okay. So, what do you want to 'constructive criticize' about?"
"Well, I wish to start off with Number 17, Krispy Kreamy Delight."
"Oh, what do you thought of it? Tell me, tell me, tell me!"
"I shall put it bluntly; it was extraordinary nasty."
"Oh, I guess you can't really please everypony."
"Or, anypony in that matter, since I failed to locate a single pony who actually like it."
"Okay, maybe it wasn't a kicker as I hoped it would be."
"However, unfortunately, I cannot arrest you on that alone." She gently places the cupcake back in its original spot.
"Would you like to know what the recipe is?"
"I think I rather not."
"Good, 'cause it's suppose to be a super duper, double, triple, quadruple, quintuple, extra, secret."
"I can't imagine why."
"Would you like to know it, anyway?"
"Moving on." Luna quickly pulls another cupcake out of the box. This one has some sort of rabbit ears on top of it. She could see that her commander is getting a little green in the face. "Number 3; Crunchy Bunny. Now, besides its...very peculiar name, many ponies that I have talked to that have eaten it, which, I admit, I did not, mention something...'unique' about the taste."
"Well, duh."
...
"Can you please specify by what you mean by, 'duh?'"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Forgive me if I failed to see it."
"I made that out of real bunnies!"
...
...
...
Luna inadvertently let go of her magical hold of the cupcake, which drops and hits the floor. From the impact, suspicious red liquid flow out onto the floor.
"Awwww," Pinkie Pie said, looking sadly at the destroyed treat. "That was a waste of good cupcake."
"Forgive, Ms. Pie, but did I hear you correctly when you said that you made this out of real bunnies?"
"That's what I said."
The Commander's cheeks start to bloat a little as he places his hooves over his mouth to keep it from coming out.
I think we just discovered the cause of the missing bunnies, Luna thought. Even so, she still finds this very hard to believe.
"But, how could you do this?"
"Simple," Pinkie Pie said, still her cheerful self. "First, I asked Applejack to use her rounding up thingy she does with Wynona, her dog, on those cute, fluffy, little bunnies. After getting a whole lot of them, they chase them down into my basement. There, I feed them lots, and lots, and lots of food so they can get real nice and plump. Then, after a couple of days, I would buck them many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many-"
"GET ON WITH IT!!!"
...
"Oops, sorry. I just never thought how fun it was to say 'many.' Anyways, after I bucked them just a couple more times, their meat gets really, really, really, really, really, really, really-"
"Don't. Even. Start."
"...Tenderized. Then, I would skin them, steam them, stew them, baked them, and that's how I make my Crunchy Bunny cupcakes. The End."
"You do realize that you just described on how you murdered those poor, innocent, little, bunnies?"
"Well, how else am I supposed to do it?"
"Well, now that we just discovered one half of the mystery, why did you call it 'Crunchy?'"
"Simple. I just forgot to take out the bones. Silly me. But, hey, at least it matches with what the cupcake is supposed to be."
The Commander's face is turning more green and his cheeks are getting more bloated.
"That is may be! But, it's still a bunny! And, in case you haven't noticed, Commander Blade Runner did have one!
"Excuse me, You Highness, may I..."
"Oh, yes," Luna said, then turning to Pinkie Pie. "Do you have a lavatory in this establishment?"
"Up the stairs, to your left, third door on your right."
"Thank you," he said, as he flies up the stairs. The sound of a door slamming echoes in the house.
"Ms. Pie," Luna said, placing the box down on the floor, "I hate to be the barrier of bad news, but this is just past unacceptable. I mean, ponies are not going to bite into this..." looking disgustingly at the messy treat, "cupcake and expect it to be made from a literal bunny. They would think it was some kind of cute name, in a very peculiar sense. And, you cannot just go out and round up poor, innocent, bunnies and turn them into cupcakes! I mean, how do you even make them look like one? And, not to mention the fact that we are herbivores!"
"I was just trying something new."
"While I'll give you points for originality, the argument still stands. However, giving that there is no laws of killing, sweet, innocent, fluffy, little bunnies, I'm afraid that we cannot arrest you on that, either. Even though I find this absolutely deplorable."
"Well, about Angel Bunny?"
"I'll make him an exception. That little $&@#head had it coming, anyway. So, you are free to continue with your endeavors, even though I would highly advice you not to do that. But, for future reference, you should replace the title of 'Crunchy Bunny' with 'Literally, Crunchy, Unboned, Bucked Many Many Many Times, Real, Dead Bunny" followed by, in parentheses, 'I'm not joking.'"
"But, what about my sales?"
"That's your problem, not mine. Now, on to the next one." Commander Blade Runner slowly walks down the stairs, his face still green with his tongue hanging out. "Number...12, was it, commander?" He nods. "Number 12; Whale's Blubber." The commander's face reverted back to green as his mouth gets ready to release another stream of vomit. He's ready to turn tail back up the stairs.
"Um excuse me?" Pinkie Pie said. The commander stops, looking at the pink earth pony. "Can you please not slam the door? The babies are sleeping." He quickly nods and flies back the stairs. They did not hear any door slam.
"Must have had that one, too," Pinkie Pie said.
Luna clears her throat and continues on, holding a green cupcake, with the top covered in brown frosting. And, it is emitting an odd smell. "I believe it is safe to assume that this is made out of a real whale's blubber?"
"Aww, how did you know? That's was suppose to be a secret."
Luna looks at her with indifferent looks, now starting to get use to her suspect's antics. "Lucky guess, I suppose."
"Well, now that the cat's out of the cupcake, I guess I can tell you what else is in there."
"There's more?"
"Huh-uh. After the whale on the beach let me borrow his blubber, I went out and got a cupful of sand, sweat from a crab, blood from a seapony, and toenails from a shark."
"Sharks have toes?"
"They do if you know where to look. Then, after I brought it all back home, I lock them inside a chest, then I lock it with a key, then dug a hole, then bury the key, then built a house on top of the hole where I bury the key, and move the chest inside the house on top of the hole."
"What is the purpose of that?"
...
...
"I don't really know."
"And, if you bury the key in the hole with the house on top, how did you open the chest?"
"Well, after I realized how incredibly random with the whole house thing was, even by my standards, I just added the chest to the rest of the ingredients."
"So, this cupcake is made out of whale's blubber, sand, sweat of a crab, blood of a seapony, toenails of a shark, and a chest due to your..." stupidity, she wanted to say, but decided against it, "whatever, and, this was the result?"
"Yepper-Roonie!"
Well, I suppose it is not as bad as the last one, but still... "Um, one last question."
"Yes?"
"This frosting..."
"What about it?"
Luna looks at the brown frosting with a confused look, with a hint of disgust. "I can't quite put my hoof on what kind it is, but there is something quite odd about it, judging mainly from the smell."
"Oh, I made that out of Dragon Doo Doo."
Luna lets out a small scream as her magic, once again, releases the cupcake, letting it drop to the ground. The cupcake opens up, where pieces of whale's blubber, sand, sweat, blood, toenails, and chest spill out onto the floor.
"Princess Luna, please stop dropping the cupcakes. It just breaks my heart to see them go to waste."
"Ms. Pie, you complained about me dropping the cupcakes, yet you are the one who is using unconventional ingredients such as...Dragon Doo Doo?"
"Oh, come on. I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
"You mean...you haven't tried this yourself?"
"What, you said so yourself that you haven't tried that one yourself."
"Still...there is nowhere on this box that mentioned anything about Dragon Doo Doo!"
"Sure there is. On the inside of the cover, right where the ingredient list is, it is listed right next to, 'Lemony Goodness.'"
Luna did so, and she found that the pink earth pony is right.
"I'm afraid that will not be good enough! Right now, every box should have a large, red label on the front reading 'Caution: Dragon Doo Doo!'"
"But, if I do that, my sales will plummet faster then one of Rainbow Dash's failed stunts."
"Ms. Pie, while I can certainly sympathize your need to innovate, this is just silly. I mean, look around you. Observe the pastries, the cakes, the pies. Why do we enjoy them so much? Because they taste good. And, from what I understand of you, you should know that better then any pony in all of Equestria. But, instead, we get..." a chill ran up her spine. "I mean, what's wrong with the traditional flavors, like vanilla or chocolate? Why, at this very moment, your princess is trying some of those pastries that you call 'Moon Pies,' which I'm sure you have heard of." The commander is now walking down the stairs, his body fatigue with all of the keeling to the porcelain gods. "And, they are certainly not like Number 16; 'Poison Oak, Yay.'" His mouth begins to fill up again with that vile taste as he nears the bottom. "And, Number 34; 'Salamander Supreme.'"
Not able to hold it in any longer, he quickly removes his helmet and releases the last of his stomach's contents into it. Luna and Pinkie looks at him with incredulous look as he finishes. "Your Majesty," he said in a very pleading voice as he looks at his princess, 'would you please not name out anymore of those...things?"
"Uh, forgive me, commander. If you wish, you may wait outside. I shouldn't be long now."
"Thank you, Your Majesty."
She points at his helmet-filled vomit. "Um, your..."
"Oh, right." He obediently returns the helmet to his head and he walks out of the shop.
Luna turns to Pinkie Pie. "I was going to asked him if he would like to have his helmet wash in your sink. Well, never mind." She pulls out another cupcake out of the box, which looks...like any other regular looking cupcake. With is yellow body, white vanilla frosting, and sprinkles on top, it looked rather tasty. "This one, Number 21; Spring Surprise. Now, this looks rather normal, compare to the other cupcakes it vacant with. But, I rather not take any chances with it. Can you please explain to me what this is?"
"Oh, that's my personal favorite," Pinkie Pie said, jumping up and down gleefully. "When you bite into it, steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks."
The princess's mouth drop to the ground, along with the cupcake she was holding with her magic. The force of the impact was enough for it to activate the two bolts inside, pushed out from the inside of the cupcake.
"Is there something wrong with you magic, Your Highness?" Pinkie Pie asked, sounding genuinely worried about her. "Maybe you should go see Twilight. I'm sure she knows some magic that will help fix your magic. That way you would not drop any more tasty treats when you try to eat them."
"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BUCKING MIND?!?" Luna yells.
"I did? Do you know where I put it? Can you help me look for it?"
"HOW COULD ANYPONY KNOW THAT CUPCAKE WOULD SHOVE TWO BOLTS INTO THEIR CHEEKS!?! NO WONDER THERE WAS HIGH RATE OF PONIES GOING TO THE HOSPITAL LATELY!!" The princess quickly regains her composure, which she starts to cover the box up. "In any case, it was an inadequate description of said cupcake, and, therefore, I must ask you to come with me to Canterlot for a judicial review."
Pinkie Pie just shrugged her shoulders and heads towards the door. "Ah, well. It was a fair cop."
"And, don't talk to the readers," Luna said, following the pink earth pony out the door, giving it a firm slam.
From upstairs, the sound of two babies crying echo throughout the house.
Rainbow Dash lands in front of the door of the cottage that belongs to her good friend, Fluttershy. This is her second visit to the yellow pegasus today. And, she is not in a good mood right now. With a seemingly empty cage hanging from her mouth, she has returned to give that yellow pegasus a piece of her mind.
"Fluttershy," the cyan pegasus said as she opens the door. "You home?"
"Oh, hello, Rainbow Dash," the yellow pegasus said as she trots out of the kitchen. "What do I owe to this visit?"
"Well, I want to talk to you about this Phoenix you gave me-"
"Ah, yes, the beautiful Great Northern Phoenix. Did you notice his beautiful plumage."
"No, I never got the chance because he was molting. A lot."
"Oh, that's too bad. Maybe if you waited a while for him to grow them back-"
"Fluttershy, I'm not here to talk about the Phoenix's stupid plumage!" Rainbow Dash yells. "I'm here because I have a bigger problem with it."
"Oh, my. What seems to be the problem?"
"I'll tell you what the problem is; it's dead, that's the problem."
"What? Oh, no! Let me see him!"
Rainbow Dash slams the cage on top of the table, where Fluttershy can take a good look through the bars.
"Oh, Rainbow," Fluttershy said, her lips forming into a smile. "He's not dead."
Rainbow Dash looks between the cage containing the dead Phoenix and her yellow pegasus friend, who is sporting a rather genuine smile. "Uh, I'm pretty sure he's dead, Fluttershy. I mean, I even checked him out."
"Well, technically, he is dead, but he should rise from his ashes any minute now. And, when he does, you'll be able to notice his beautiful plumage."
The cyan pegasus just looked at her fellow pegasus with a weird look. "Look, Fluttershy. I may not know much about animals as you do, but I know a dead Phoenix when I see one, and I'm definitely looking at one right now."
"Trust me, Rainbow Dash. He'll come back to life."
"But, he's giving off this weird, funky smell."
"Oh, that's just a defense mechanism. You know, to ward off predators while he gets himself to resurrect. Aren’t they wonderful creatures? Beautiful plumage, too."
"Fluttershy, I don't know what you are trying to sell me here, but when I see that Phoenix just lying at the bottom of the cage, not moving at all, no matter what I do, and now you're telling me that this dead Phoenix will rise from the grave?"
"Yes."
They cyan pegasus gives her friend a suspicious look as the yellow pegasus continues to looks back at her with her genuine smile.
"Alright. In that case, I'll just have to get this thing to speed up the process."
"Uh, no, Rainbow, you shouldn't-"
Too late, the cyan pegasus picks up the cage, opens the little gate, and places her mouth next to it, where the Phoenix's head is laying.
"HEY, PHOENIX!!! WAKE UP!!! OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!!! I GOT A COUPLE OF NICE, YUMMY CRACKERS FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP!!!"
Out of nowhere, a yellow hoof hits the side of the cage.
"There, you see?" Fluttershy said quickly. "He's awake now. Now, you don't have to bother him anymore."
"What are you talking about? I just saw you hit the side of the cage so you can make him move!"
"I did not!"
"Yes, you did!"
"I did not!"
"Oh, we'll see about that!" The increasingly frustrated pegasus reaches into the cage, grabs the sleeping and/or dead featherless Phoenix, pulls him out, and proceeds to yell into its ear.
"HEEEEEY, PHOEEEEEEEEENIXXXXXXXXX!!! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO!?! CAN YOU HEAR MEEEEE!?!" She, then, bangs the Phoenix's head on the table a few times. Fluttershy just watch in fascinating horror. "PHOEEEENIXXXXX!!! WAKE UUUUUUUUUUP!!! ANYPONY HOOOOOOME!?!" Bangs it a couple of time on the table. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!" She tosses the Phoenix into the air, seeing it if it will fly. But, it drops to the floor like a rock. "Now, that's what I call a dead Phoenix."
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Rainbow Dash. Really, he's just..."
"Just what?"
"...Nervous?" she said, giving off a questionable smile.
"About what?"
"Um...maybe he's just feeling a little homesick. I mean, going to a new home can be very frightening for any pony. So, maybe this whole thing is slowing the process."
"Fluttershy, you told me the reason why this Phoenix isn't moving all that much when I was looking at it this morning was because he was resting after a long squawk."
"He was! I'm telling you the truth!"
The two stay silent as they bore at each with their eyes, a tug of war of wits.
"Or, he could just be sleeping?" the yellow pegasus suggests.
"Sleeping?"
"Yes."
Rainbow gave her a suspicious look, which Fluttershy replied with a heavy gulp and some sweat tinkling down her brow.
"On it's back?"
"Yes. V-Very remarkable bird. Beautiful plumage."
"So, was he sleeping while I was taking him home with me?"
"C-Correct."
"Okay. Then, why was he sitting on that little swing there?"
"I-I'm sorry, Rainbow Dash?"
"You said that he likes to sleep on his back, and that he was sleeping when I took him home with me. So, why was he on the swing, instead on the bottom of the cage?"
"Um..."
I got you now, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash thought as she looks triumphantly at her with her legs cross over.
"He's...sleep...swinging?" she gave off a crude smile, which looks like it's about to break from the force she is pressing on her teeth.
"Okay, Fluttershy. No more games. I just want to return him and find another pet. Something that's a bit more...alive."
"Oh, Rainbow, you can't do that."
"And, why not?"
"It'll hurt his feelings."
"Fluttershy. The Phoenix is dead."
"Not for long. There, you see, he just woke up." The yellow pegasus opens that cage door and grabs the Phoenix's body. She pulls it out and held it up so that it is looking back at the perplex cyan pegasus. "Come on, little Phoenix. Do that little thing that you do." She let go of it, and it slumped down, lying on the table. "There, he moved."
...
...
"Fluttershy-"
"Oh, wait. He's just warming up to it."
"What-"
Out of no where, Fluttershy pulls out a small cane and a small black, top hat. She places the cane in the Phoenix's right wing and the hat on its head. It seemed tailor made for it.
"Okay, here we go." She began to wildly push the Phoenix's legs back and forth as it she carried it across the table's surface while she is making it take its top hat off of its head. "'Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. Hello, my...uh...something, something gal.' Um, 'Something, something, something. Something, something, something.'" She slowly stops the singing and the dancing, looking at her friend, who is looking at her with an incredulous look. "He seemed to have forgotten the words."
...
...
...
...
"Fluttershy. I think you need help."
"Rainbow Dash, at any moment, he will rise from the ashes and he would be good as new, and, then, you can notice how beautiful his plumage is. Just wait a few minutes. Or, a few hours. Or, a few days."
"Fluttershy. The. Phoenix. Is. Dead."
"But-"
"He's passed on! That Phoenix is no more! It has ceased to be! It has expired and gone to meet its maker! That is a late Phoenix!"
...
...
"But-"
"It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't put him in that stinking cage and hand it to me as a pet, it would have been pushing up daisies by now! It has rung down the curtains and joined the bucking choir invisible!"
...
...
"But-"
"It's off the twig! It has kicked the bucket! It has crossed over! It has bought the farm! It has checked out! It has danced its last dance! It has gotten its one-way ticket! He's worm food! It has bit the dust! It has gotten his second pair of wings! It has gone up to the big...whatever in the sky! It is departed, done for, erased, extinct, inanimate, liquadified, mortified, offed, perished, in repose, croaked, wasted, finished, succumbed, terminated, annihilated! That Phoenix is, now, history!"
...
...
"But-"
The cyan pegasus, with her rainbow main in a mess and her face contorted as she grind her teeth, grabs her friend and pulls her so that she is looking at her in the eye.
"FLUTTERSHY!!! THIS!!! IS!!! AN EX!!! PHOENIX!!!"
...
...
"But-"
"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" She starts slamming her head on the table, causing the cage and the Phoenix's featherless body to bounce up every time Rainbow's head hits the surface.
Finally, she stops, with her forehead resting on the surface. Fluttershy hovers over her friend as she places a hoof on the cyan pegasus's shoulder.
"Rainbow Dash? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." She brings her head up from the table, where her chin is now resting on. "My throat hurts a little."
"Oh, let me go get you a glass of water." She flies off, leaving the cyan pegaus with her dead Phoenix.
"I hope you're enjoying this," she said.
The yellow pegasus returns with the glass of water. The cyan pegasus downs it quickly.
"Rainbow Dash-"
"Forget it, Fluttershy. If you said he'll be alive, fine. I just don't want to wait long for the stupid thing to wake from its beauty sleep. You can have it back."
"If that's what you want. I do apologize for this. Normally, he doesn't act like this for this long. To make it up to you, would you like to have a replacement?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Oh, good. How about a tortoise?"
Rainbow Dash looks at her smiling friend, who seems quite proud of her recommendation.
"Does it fly?"
"Um...not a whole lot, no."
"Well, it's not much of a replacement, now, is it?"
The room is silent for a few more seconds as Rainbow Dash drinks from her glass.
"I can have him fly," Fluttershy said.
Rainbow Dash looks up from her glass. "What?"
"Oh, it's quite simple, really. I could take the wings off of any bird of your choice and I can attach them to the tortoise. If that's alright with you."
The cyan pegasus looks at her friend with incredulous eyes. "You can do that?"
"Yes. It's actually quite simple."
"Are you allowed to do that? I mean, that's got to be illegal."
"That's why I have this." With the slam of her hoof on the table, she left a card where Rainbow Dash can see.
"'Princess Celestia's They Can Do Whatever They Want To Do License.' Is this really real?"
"Oh, yes. Quite so."
Rainbow Dash thinks for a second. "No, no. I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"Well...I cannot really do that to a bird. I mean, to steal their gift of flight? That'll be just as bad as taking my wings."
"Well...what about this Phoenix?"
"Isn't he supposed to resurrect any time soon?"
"Well, yes, but, even so, he hardly ever flies, anyway. And, besides, he's probably is dead, for good. He should have been turn to ash by now."
The cyan pegasus looks carefully at the "Now, it is being pronouced 'Dead'" Phoenix. "I don't know."
"Okay, look. Tell you what. I can take these wings off and attached them to the tortoise, glue some feathers on, and I can attach a beak of your own choice." Fluttershy pulls out a box with the words "Beaks" on the top, as she shakes it, which the contents rattle inside. "Course, if that's alright with you."
"Hmm." Rainbow Dash places her hoof under her chin as she considers the offer. "Can you really make it fly?"
"As if he was born to fly."
The cyan pegasus is starting to like the idea, but is not so sure. "It wouldn't look much like a bird."
"True, but it would definitely make a great conversation piece."
"That's true. Alright, you got yourself a deal, Fluttershy."
The two pegasus shook hooves to seal the deal.
"Is it okay if I watch?"
"I don't mind at all," Fluttershy said as she stuffs the Phoenix inside the cage. Rainbow Dash follows her friend into the kitchen, where noises of machines ran for nearly the entire day. By the time Rainbow Dash leaves with her new pet, the Phoenix's body finally burns into ash.
From the small pile, a tall flame erupted out, flying high into the air. Bright light surrounds the tip of the flame as it stops midair and begins to form a shape. It grows bigger and starts to give shape into a bird with a beak and feathers. However, as it tries to spread its wings, there was nothing extending out from its body to keep him from falling to the ground. Which what happens.
"Oww," it said as it lies on the ground. "I must be losing my touch to fall down like that."
As he tries to get up, he head starts to pound from inside, very hard, up against his skull.
"Oww, my head. What happened to me while I was sleeping? Got run over by a train?"
He tries to bring his wings up to rub his head, but they seem to not obey him.
"Hey, why don't my wings moves?" He looks downward, finding that his wings are missing. "Huh?" He looks to his left, and to his right. Right where his wings should be connected, there were bandages covering the stumps.
Today is a beautiful day as Twilight Sparkle heads up to Sweet Apple Acres. Once she arrived, she sees her good friend, Applejack, seemingly at work with bucking the apples.
"Hello, Applejack," Twilight said.
"What?" the orange mare turns around, looking at the unicorn with wide eyes. "What do you want?"
"Applejack? Are you okay?"
"What are you doing here?"
The unicorn looks at her friend with a confused look. "Huh? Applejack, is there something wrong?"
The orange earth pony stares at her for a few seconds. "Oh, T-Twilight. That you?"
"Uh, yeah, Applejack. It's me."
"Oh, good. Sorry about that, sugercube."
"It's okay. Are you expecting somepony?"
"Yeah. I MEAN, NO!"
Twilight immediately raise an eyebrow. "What?"
"I'm not expecting nopony."
"So you are expecting somepony?"
"No."
"But, you said-"
"I made a mistake."
"Okay."
"So, what brings you here, Twilight?"
"Well, I was hoping to get some apples."
"Oh, I'm afraid that you came to the wrong place."
Twilight raised her eyebrows again, even higher than before. "What?"
"We don't sell apples here."
"You don't sell apples?"
"That's correct. Bye." The orange mare quickly pushes the bewildered unicorn back towards the entrance.
"But, you do sell apples here."
"No, we don't."
"Yes, you do."
"I think you are mistaken this farm for somepony's else farm. Bye."
"But, there's a sign that says 'Sweet Apple Acres.'"
"That? That's, uh...that's a...uh...what's that word that means to describing one thing to another?"
"A simile?"
"Yeah, that's right. It's just a simile. Bye." She continues to push with more vigor.
"But, what are you comparing it to?"
"Oh, you know, fruit."
"But, apple is a fruit."
"Yeah, so?"
"So, that would make it a metaphor."
Applejack stops, looking at the unicorn with confusion. "A meta-what?"
"Ugh. A simile is when you compare two unlikely things using the words 'like' or 'as' to describe one from the other. A metaphor is the description of something that it is."
...
...
"Got'cha. Bye." She resume her pushing.
"Wait a minute. If you are not selling apples, then what the heck are these?" Twilight pick up several red and green questionable pieces of food off the ground, showing them to the orange mare.
"Oh, those? Those, uh..." she looks at the ground, which is littered with apples, "those, uh..." she looks at the baskets, most filled with apples, "those, uh..." she looks at the hundred of trees surrounding them, all of the them holding hundreds of delicious apples, "...apples?"
"Yes, apples."
...
...
...
"They're all sold."
Twilight release her magical hold on the apples, dropping them to the ground. "What?"
"Yep, we've sold them all."
"All of them?"
"Yep, all of them. Every single one of them."
Twilight looks at all of the apples are still in the trees. "To who?"
"Uh, somepony. Bye." The orange mare starts pushing the unicorn through the entrance.
"Well, can I just get a couple of apples? I'm sure they won't miss it, and I can still pay for them."
"Sorry, Sugercube, no can do. Why don't you go down to Applelossa? They've got plenty of different kinds of apples, and they are mighty more delicious than our crabby apples."
"But, that's a three day journey from here."
"Well, that's what the train's for, silly."
"That is by train."
"Well, that'll give you plenty of time to decide what kind of apple you want. Bye."
Twilight digs her hooves into the ground, trying to slow down Applejack's progress. "Wait a minute, Applejack. I was sent here to get some apples."
Without warning, Applejack bites down on Twilight's tail, swing her across, and release her. Twilight did not have enough time to perform any magic as she slams into the dirt ground. Dazed and confused, Applejack walks up to the purple unicorn, whose eyes are spinning around their sockets.
"You were sent here?" the farm pony asked, unexpected this turn of events. "Well, that plum near changes everything. Alright." Twilight got out of her dazed, then she looks up at her orange friend, wondering what is going to happen. Applejack clears her throat before continuing on. "Well, this year's apple season has turned out pretty well, I say. The soil here is so fresh that we might even get a few...mangos." The orange mare, then, gives her unicorn friend a wink, aimed at her.
Twilight looks at her friend, confused by her gesture. "What?"
Applejack quickly nods her head very excitedly as if this was what she expected.
"What?" Twilight asked again, even more confuse.
Applejack pulls, seemingly a little disappointed. "I said," she repeated the phrase, this time enunciating each word, "'Well, this year's apple season has turn out pretty well, I say. The soil here is so fresh that we might even get a few...mangos.'"
Twilight raised her eyebrow up high as Applejack gives her several winks. "What are you talking about?"
The orange mere nods even more excitedly, saying, "Yes, yes. Now, finish the rest."
The purple unicorn looks at her friend with annoyance. "Finish what?"
Confused, Applejack replied, "Weren't you suppose to say 'What are you talking about? There ain't a mango tree within 500 Equestrian trots from here. You be lucky to get a pear tree.'"
It was Twilight's turn to give a confused look. "I was?"
"Well, you did say that you were sent here."
"Yes, I was."
"Well, who sent you here, then?"
"That nice, old mare who lives on Candy Cane Lane."
"Did she have two peg legs and an hook on one hoof?"
"Yeah, and she also has a parrot."
"Did she carry it on her right shoulder or left shoulder?"
"Uh...her right one."
Applejack makes a face that looks as though she had made a fatal mistake. "Ah, shoot. Well, it was nice talking to you, Twilight. Bye." She proceeds with pushing the unicorn out.
"Wait just a minute," Twilight said, stopping Applejack from pushing her out. "There's something going on here, is there?"
"What?," Applejack cried, shock painted all over her face. "W-What gave you that silly idea?"
"The fact that you kept insisting that you don't sell apples, then you revealed that you have all of your apples sold to some mysterious pony, then you kept trying to push me out of the farm, and then you tried to get me to say some crazy code that I was suppose to say.
"Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that there is something going on here at this farm."
"No, there isn't."
"Yes, there is."
"No, there isn't."
"Yes, there is."
"No, there isn't"
"Yes, there is."
"No, there isn't"
"Yes, there is."
"No, there isn't."
"Yes, there is."
"Uh...yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there is."
"Yes, there...wait a minute."
"Yes, there is."
"SHUT UP!"
Applejack shut her lips up, taken a bit back from the outburst.
"Thank you," Twilight said politely. "Now, you just said 'Yes, there is.'"
"Yeah. So?"
"So, that means that you, admittedly, acknowledged my suspicions that there is something going on here."
...
...
"No, there isn't."
"Oh, come on!"
"Okay, look, Twilight, I can prove to you that there is nothing going on in this here farm, alright?" The orange earth pony turns around, looking straight at the barn. "HEY, BIG MACINTOSH! IS THERE ANYTHING HAPPENING IN THIS HERE FARM?"
A large, red, stallion runs out the entrance of the barn, holding a shotgun in his hooves.
"Eenope," he said before running back into the barn.
"There, you see, there is nothing going on here. Bye."
Twilight looks at the barn entrance where Big Macintosh was with a big gasp from her mouth. "What the hey was he holding?"
"Oh, uh, just a shotgun," Applejack said as she tries to guide the unicorn out, but to no avail.
"A shotgun?"
"Yep."
Twilight continues to look at the barn entrance as if the red stallion is still there, holding the weapon in his hooves. "Why would he need a shotgun for?"
"Oh, you know."
Silence rang in between the two ponies. "No, I don't know."
"Well, now, you do. Bye."
"Wait, Applejack. Look, I really don't care what is going on here. All I want is to get a few apples."
"And, if I give you some, will you go away."
"Yes."
"Pinkie Pie Promise?"
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my-" she stabs her eye with her hoof, again. "OWWWW!! DAMN IT!!"
"That never gets old," the orange mare said, giggling as Twilight tries to heal her eye. "Okay, then, what kind of apples would you like to have?"
After she finishes massages her injured eye, she looks at a couple of baskets, eyeing some of the red ones. "Oh, I like to have a couple of those Pink Ladies, if you don't mind?"
Applejack looks at the two light reddish apples sitting on top of the pile in the basket, and she looks back Twilight, who is waiting a bit impatiently for them to come to her. The orange mare closes her eyes half-way as she points her eyes at the unicorn as if to burn holes into her head.
"That was mighty sneaky of you there, Twilight."
Confuse, Twilight said, "What?"
Out of nowhere, Applejack pulls her own shotgun and points the double barrels at her friend. "How did you know about them Pink Ladies that I have right there?"
"What...I...just...What are doing? Have you lost your bucking mind?"
"How did you know I was growing Pink Ladies, huh? Answer me!"
"I just saw them right there."
"And, how did you know what they are?"
"I read about them."
"A likely story."
"No, I'm serious."
"A librarian who happens to read a book about different types of apples?"
"Well, I admit, it was a bit bland, but, at least, it was informative-"
"Shut your trap, you! I'm on to you! No pony is going to steal my Pink Ladies, and that's final!"
"Hold it right there, AJ!" a raspy voice calls out from behind.
"I-I-If you don't mind," a meek voice said after.
"Holy Snapple!" In shock, Applejack drops her shotgun, where it hits the ground and let off a big bang, barely missing the purple unicorn.
"RD and FS! What are you doing here?" Applejack said, raising her hooves up in the air, joining Twilight as the two pegasus marches up to them.
Both Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are wearing black, leather jackets, with the cyan pegasus sporting sunglasses while has some kind of lightning bolt tattoo running down her in the middle of left eye (but, I'm pretty sure it's just a fake one.).
"We're here about the Pink Ladies that you have stash here, as well as the Golden Delicious that you have hiding somewhere on this farm."
"What the hay is going on here?" Twilight asks as she looks at her two friends who are marching menacingly (well, at least, Rainbow Dash is) towards her and Applejack.
"There's nothing going on here," Applejack said.
"I'm starting to find that less convincing as this goes on."
The two pegesus are not surrounding Applejack, seemingly ignoring Twilight as she watches them. "Now, then," Rainbow Dash said, her face up to the farm pony, "where are those Pink Ladies?"
"You think I'm just going to tell you that they're in the basement of my house, on the right side of the circuit breaker?"
"No, but we have ways of making you talk."
Twilight looks at the two ponies with a confused stare. "But, she just told you where they are."
...
...
"Oh," Rainbow Dash, a bit incredulous about it. "Wow, that was a lot easier then I thought."
"And, a lot less violent then you planned it to be," Fluttershy remarked, seemingly grateful for it.
Applejack lets out a frustrated growl as she throws daggers at Twilight with her eyes. "Gosh darn it, Twilight! Why did you have to tell them where they are?"
"Me? You were the one who told them where they are. I'm just pointing out how silly this is getting to be."
"Look, I've got everything under control, so why don't you just go away and read a book?"
"Not until I find out just what is going on here."
"Which you won't 'cause there isn't anything going on here."
"Alright, then," Rainbow Dash said as she walks up to Applejack. "Now that we have established the location of your precious Pink Ladies, we'll get you to spill where you are hiding the Golden Delicious."
"You'll never get me to tell you that I have them hiding in-OWWWW!!!" Applejack screams from the strike from behind the head by Twilight. "What the hey was that for?"
"You were about to them where they are!"
"No, I wasn't."
"Oh, like that you didn't tell them that the Pink Ladies are hiding in your basement, on the right side of the circuit breaker?"
"Oh, that was supposed to be a rouge."
"Really?"
"Yeah. There suppose to be on the left side of the circuit breaker."
...
...
...
"Mind if I borrow that shotgun, Applejack?"
"Enough talk," Rainbow Dash said, shutting the two ponies up. "Now, then, where are the Golden Delicious?"
"I'll never tell you!"
'Oh, now you decided not to tell them? By Celestia's Beard, I need new friends.'
"Fine by me. I'll make you tell me!" With that, the cyan pegesus waves each of her hooves in front of the orange mare, who shakes her head back and forth in time with the pegasus's swing.
Twilight grab a hold of the shotgun with her magic, ready to use it when necessary.
Rainbow Dash stops, looking at her hooves as if there is something wrong with them. She then turns around and looks at the yellow pegasus. "Hey, Fluttershy, what are you doing?"
"Sorry?"
"You're supposed to do that thing."
Fluttershy was confuse for a few seconds until it dawn on her. However, she seems unenthusiastic about it. "Oh, I don't know, Rainbow Dash. I mean, Applejack is our friend-"
"Just do it!"
Dropping to the ground and letting out a cute squeak, Fluttershy let's out a tiny "Okay," before regaining her stance.
The cyan pegasus turns back to Applejack who is waiting patiently. "Sorry about that. Mind if we back track a bit?"
"I don't mind."
Twilight cocks the shotgun.
"Okay, then," Rainbow Dash lets in a deep breath of air, as if calming herself for an interview with the Wonderbolts. "Now, then, where are the Golden Delicious?"
"I'll never tell you!"
"Fine by me! I'll make you talk!" Rainbow Dash repeated the swinging of her hooves in front of Applejack's face, who, again, swings her head in time with the cyan pegasus's swings. At the same time, Fluttershy provided the sound effects as she times the "hits" with the clop of her hooves.
Twilight now sticks the barrel up to her temple.
'Buck this fanfic and this author in the flank.'
And she pulls the trigger.
Author's Note: This sorry, poor excuse of an author would like to give his apology for the poor quality of this chapter's contents. He would also like to extend that apology for the erupt ending. He would also like to extend that apology for the length of time it took for this to come out and be published. And, he regrets to inform you that he has lost complete interest in the story and will put it in the cancel status, as much as he very much hates the idea. The reasons for this unforgivable crime is a combination of a stressful situation in his personal life, a lack of a computer for him to log on to the internet, the seemingly disinterest from the internet community, and his ultimate desire to write a clopfic.
What? Everypony's doing it.
So, to the twenty idiots, I mean, wonderful bronies who faved this story, I am truly sorry. And, to all of the people who have read it and didn't even bother leaving a comment, shame on you.
This is all your fault.
You fucking basterds!
How dare you click on my story, read it, and not leave a goddamn comment?!? Oh, you don't have time to? Well, fuck you, you bunch of assholes! You heartless, evil, rotten bunch of assholes! Here I am, slaving over this computer, trying to give you the best story I can, by combining two the greatest shows to ever grace the spectrum of television, and you have the balls, the BALLS, to read my story and not...leave...a...FUCKING...COMMENT?!? I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, YOU NAZI WORSHIPPER!!!
A gray pegasus, with a fake moustache, a handkerchief on her head, spectacles, and overalls stands in the green pasture on a nice summer day. She holds an open letter in her hooves.
“Hello. My name…is…Derpy...Hooves. And, I am…here…to read you…a letter…from…the…writer. He says, ‘Dear fellow B-
“…B-
“…B-
“…Brrrr-
“…Bra-
“…Bro-
“…Braw-
“…Brownies. ‘Dear fellow Brownies, I wish…to apologize…for my behavior…in the last…chapter. That was…
"...
"...
"...
"...'sitting of…me.' Odd way to spell 'sitting.'
"'It was downright...de...plow...abe...l. I wish...that you would...have...in your hearts...to forgive me...you bunch of...N-
"...N-
"...Ni-
"...Ni-
"...Nig-
"...Nig-
"...Oh...'Nightmare Moon Fans. I was just very...very...frus...trait...ing for me to not see...as much...comments...as I...would have like...to...pee?'
"Sorry, it's hard to read this guy's handwriting. And he asked me to dress like this and talk like this. We'll get thought this, I promise.
"Ahem.
"'Buck you all, you...sons of...' Oh, that was crossed out, I guess I was not supposed to read that part.
"'You guys...are...swell. So far...I have received...nothing but...love. I even have a 100%...thumbs up. And, all...of the...comments...have been really...nice. Thirty comments is...pretty...good. Course...thirty thousand...would have been...better.' Oops, that was crossed out as well.
"'Anywho, I'm sure...all of you...would like to know...when I would...return to this story. My answer...go to...'
"Okay, seriously, I cannot read this handwriting. Plus, I look like an idiot dress up like this. I mean, who even wear like this? This is so bad, this will give Rarity a heart attack. And, this voice I have to do. Man, it is so annoying. Like that voice actor in those stupid videos on the internet. I mean, do I seriously sound like that? Man, I get no respect."
She crumbles up the paper and tosses it into the trash bin. She flies off, still mumbling "And, why the heck would he write a letter to brownies?"
Live from Horse Glue Park, we bid you welcome and good morning.
Well, it is certainly a nice, cool autumn morning without a cloud in a sky. As of right now, our seven contestants are running out towards the starting line in what many have called it to a very exciting show. And, we are happy to agree with that sentiment as the contestants get ready to compete in the 667th Annual Canterlot Socialite Nincompoop of the Year Competition.
Our seven contestants seem to be having a bit of a tough time trying to find the starting line, but that is no big shock. Now, this year’s competition had some bit of a financial problem. We had not been given enough funds for this event because some of our usual sponsors are now protesting that this event is sending the wrong message about how the Canterlot Socialite behaves. Quite honestly, I really do not see were they could get such a silly idea. But nonetheless, there was a point we may not be able to hold this event if it weren’t for a wonderful pony who was willing to fund this event. Course, this sponsor wishes to remain anonymous, and wishes to oblige in giving some ideas on what sort of obstacles our sponsor would like to see. The judges like them so much, so they are being used, for the first time, in this this year’s Annual Canterlot Socialite Nincompoop of the Year.
Well, it seems that our contestants have finally been guided to the starting line. I do like to say, however, that not all of them were, by definition, nincompoops before. As a matter of fact, we had a low outcome of potential contestants, so we have to accept some and make some minor adjustments to them. With that out of the way, let us meet our contestants. And, we like to remind our audience that only unicorns can participate in this event. Many of you are claiming that to be racism, but this is Canterlot that we are talking about, so what do you expect?
From left to right, we have Jambrain Spunkslinger, who worked in his father’s jewelry store as a trash compactor, and he listed his hobbies as jogging, swimming, and banging his head with two bricks. Next, we have Chjortnik Semenspit, a student in Cantorlot’s University School of Magic with a Major in Stupid and he is happily engaged to his…um…Next, there is Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer, a very recognizable nincompoop who is one of the very few to have actually participate in previous Nincompoop of the Year Competition. He came in last last year. He is a world renowned figure in the historical study of teeth and he has three sons, all of them potential nincompoops themselves. Then, we have Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom. He is the owner of a very prestige restaurant, The 120 Days of Sodium, but he has stated that his real passion is to jump off the side of the Canterlot Mountain. Let’s hope that he may get that chance one day. Next up is Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child. Now, he is the current favorite to win this year’s Nincompoop Award, and his resume certainly supports this. By day, he owns and works in a Burlesque theater, and by night he goes out and beats up innocent, little foals with a baseball bat. Then, we have Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker. His name pretty much says it all. And, finally, but not least, a surprise entry of the year, Prince Blueblood has entered the competition, and is, believe it or not, our sponsor’s favorite at this year’s nincompoop competition.
Well, now our starter is getting them ready, making sure that they are facing the right direction. We certainly have a large crowd today, cheering out for their favorite nincompoop. And, it looks like our seven contestants are ready. Our starter has his starting pistol ready…and…
(bang!) …
They are not off.
Not a shock at all. In fact, I completely expected this. On very rare occasions, our contestants would actually start on the first shot. The last time that happened was about 230 years ago. Goes to show how stupid our society is getting. Well, our starter is explaining to the contestants on what they should do. Not really sure if they understand. Maybe. Possibly. It looks like Rider of a Female Camel Humugousbottom is getting it, and so is Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker. Chjortnik Semanspit, maybe not. His fiancé is kissing him for good luck, though. A very lucky fellow.
And, it looks like the contestants have understood what they need to do as they nodded to the starter. He raises his pistol…and…
(bang!)
THEY’RE OFF!
They have started running straight for the first obsticle, but it looks like Prince Blueblood have went to the left, seemingly confused as to where he should go. Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer is ahead, followed by Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child in second, and Chjortnik Semenspit is coming up from behind.
They have reached the first obstacle; they have to walk straight across the white line. The contestant seems to be having a bit of a trouble getting themselves situated to accomplished this first, hard task. It requires balance, speed, and the ability to keep their hooves on the white line, or, at least, on the ground. We can see that Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child has jump on the white line and is following it down, but he is going at a rather slow pace, so he is not gaining enough ground. Chjortnik Semanspit and Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker are getting started as well, but not having much luck themselves. Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom, Jambrain Spunkslinger, and Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer are coming up, and Prince Blueblood seems to still having trouble in figuring out in where he should go. Wow, I never would have thought that Prince Blueblood would be that big of a nincompoop. I could see why our sponsor was enthusiastic about the prince winning this year.
The others up front are still trying to figure how to walk across. Jambrain Spunkslinger has fallen over several times, as well as Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child. Oh, but wait, Father of Forty Dogs is running down the white line. He is doing extraordenarly well…and he just fell off before he could even reach the end. Now, that’s a nincompoop if I ever seen one. But, I could also see that Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbuttom is making a across as well, followed by Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer, and Chjortnik Semanspit is right on their tails. And, it looks like Prince Blueblood has finally found his way to the start of the obsticle and he is trying to step on the white line aaaaaaaand…he has fallen down and is having trouble getting up. Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child is running down beautifully and he is the first to finish the first obstacle. Next, Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom finishes second and is closing behind Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child. Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer is third, forth is Chjortnik Semenspit, fifth place is Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker, sixth is Jambrain Spunkslinger, and Prince Blueblood is still trying to get up from the ground at the beginning of the white line event. I know it is too early to make a bold of a claim as this, but I do believe that this could end up as one the greatest Nincompoop of the Year competition in history! I can tell by this lot, this is going to be an incredible event!
On to the second event, in which that they have to jump over an apple pie. This is significally high compare to our past compititions, but we have faith that these nincompoops can clear the pie. Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child is running up to it and he jumps and clears over the apple pie! Behind him, Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom is walking up to it, but he seems very hesitant in making that leap of fate. Next, Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer and Chjortnik Semenspit comes up, and MY GOODNESS, Chjortnik Semenspit has clear the apple pie with one bound! He has went from forth place to second place, with Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child ahead of him at first place! It look likes that Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom is going to give it a try as he readies himself…and…OH, HE COMPLETELY MISSIES THE APPLE PIE AND HE HAS FALLEN BACKWARDS! And, Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer give it a shot and…has done the same thing! Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker and Jambrain Spunkslinger are also trying to do it as well, and…Jambrain Spunkslinger has hit the side of the apple pie and he tumbled over it on to the other side! It looks like a nasty fall, but, at least, he clear the jump, thereby putting him in third place! And, he has gotten up immediately and starts running to the next event! Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom, Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker, and Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer are still trying to make it across the apple pie with some results, and it looks like Prince Blueblood has finally made it past the white line event as he runs up to the apple pie! And…runs into Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker, thereby inadvertinly helping him in crossing the apple pie. Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker seems rather confused by it and he actually tries to go back to try it again, but he cannot get back over the apple pie! The referee nearby walks up to him and it looks like he has given the clearance and that he can proceed on to the next event! The other three are still trying to jump over the apple pie, and it looks like it could be a while until that happens! On to the next event!
We see Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child is in first place, Chjortnik Semenspit in second place, third place Jambrain Spunkslinger, and just far behind them in forth place Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker! They are making their way to the third event, which is one of the new events to be introduced this year. It is the Push Your Date Off the Pillow event. This event is very simple. All they have to do is to push their date off the pillow and sit on it for a few seconds. That is all they have to do. They can do in any means nessaccary to complete their objective. The four competators are choosing their pillows. They are jumping around them like little monkeys, thinking that will scare them off. It seems that we forgot to mention to our contestants, again, that these are manikins, not actual ponies. But, it does not really matter to them, anyways. Well, in any case, they seem to have realized that it is not working and seem confused as to why. Meanwhile, back at the apple pie jumping, it looks like that Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom as finally cleared over and is on his way to the third event. Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer and Prince Blueblood seems to be having a tough time, however. Back to the Pillow event, some of the nincompoops are trying various things to get their date off the pillow. Jambrain Spunkslinger uses his horn to poke in the manakin’s naughty bits. That could probably work in real life, but, once again, these are manakins. The others seem quite dumbfounded…oh, wait, it looks like Chjortnik Semenspit seem to have an idea…OH, MY!! HE HAS BUCKED HIS DATE OFF THE PILLOW! INCREDIBLE!! And, I have just received word that that is exactly how he had met his fiancé! That’s the way in using your past experiences! And, he took a sit on the pillow, a couple of seconds later, and he is off! Chjortnik Semenspit has done an incredible feat by starting at forth place and jumping all the way to first place! Speaking of which, it looks like Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child is not doing so hot as he still continues dancing around like a baboon, thinking it will scare her. And, he continues to fall down the line as Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker takes second place after he simply pushes his date off the pillow, sat down, and takes off! Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom has just come up and he starts dancing around like a nincompoop that he is! Oh, what a glorious race this is turning out to be! And, I have just receive word that Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer has finally jumped over the apple pie, and that Prince Blueblood has his horn stuck in the ground after he landed on his head! Never in a million years would I ever think that Prince Blueblood is a born nincompoop! It seems our sponsor has a good eye for these things!
Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer is on his way to the Pillow event, and Jambrain Spunkslinger is now in third after he decapitated his date by raming his horn into her head, and Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child finally stops his dancing and uses his magic to move his date off the pillow, sits down, and gently puts it back on the pillow! Sure, it may not be as exciting, but the fact that it took him this long for him to just use his magic really shows what a big nincompoop he is! Coming in at fifth and sixth respectively, Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom and Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer are still dancing around, and Prince Blueblood has finally freed himself from the ground and…
HE HAS MADE IT-oh, no, he just fell backwards again. Well, let’s leave him be and go to the head of the pack as they head to the fourth event.
Here, the contestants take a bite out of some commoner food and then spits it out at the commoner who is selling them to them. We have a whole smorgasbord of commoner food. We have commoner apples, commoner carrots, commoner pears, and even commoner cherries. These are the type that no Canterlot Socialite Nincompoop would ever abuse their taste buds to. And, it looks like they are terrified of its commonness. Many of our commentators believed that this could potentially be one of the, if not the hardest, events in history, and I have no doubt about that. They seem to be very hesitant in grabbing one, much less trying to eat one of those disgusting things. I would not blame them if they wish to skip this part, but they need to complete all events in order to be recognize as this year’s top nincompoop.
It looks like Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom is deciding to take the first bat as he chooses a commoner apple, which looks disgustingly red. I swear, who would grow such terrible looking apples? He brings his teeth to the skin…and…HE PULLS AWAY FROM IT!! OH MY GOODNESS, HE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO CRY!!! THIS IS JUST A TERRIBLE SIGHT!! I EVEN FEEL BAD JUST LOOKING AT THIS TORTORE!!! EVEN THE CROWD IS DEMANDING AMNASTY FOR THE CONTESTANTS!!! It looks like that the contestants are refusing to even make a move to the commoner food, even though they have to spit the terrible food right back at the commoner’s face that is selling those most evil food! The judges group together, seeing as the race is stalled. They must figure out what they must do about this unfortunate delay in this already exciting race! While we wait for the results, let’s head back to Prince Blueblood!
It looks like he is still trying to jump over the apple pie! The delay up at event four could be his only chance to catch up to the rest of the pack! He steadies himself…and…HE’S DONE IT!!! HE’S OVER THE PIE!!! HE SEEMS REALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT AS HE RUNS TO THE THIRD EVENT, WHERE HE MUST PUSH HIS DATE OFF THE PILLOW AND…OH WOW!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!?! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!?! IF YOU WERE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO TURN YOUR HEAD OR BLINK YOUR EYES, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!!! PRINCE BLUEBLOOD HAD JUST PUSH HIS DATE OFF THE PILLOW, SAT DOWN, AND HE IS ON HIS WAY TO THE FORTH EVENT!!! JUST LIKE THAT!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!! HE COULD JUST BE ABLE TO SPRING HIS WAY UP TO FIRST PLACE!!! And, the judges seemed to have reached a conclusion about the forth event! It seems that the forth event is proven to be too difficult for our contestants to complete, so they shut it down and tells the six contestants that they can proceed to the fifth event! They seemed very relieved by it as they trot away from those evil foods! And, then, Prince Blueblood moves up to the forth event, and the judges there lets him know that he does not have to complete it. But, he seems pretty willing to give it a taste, but they shoo him away, telling him that he does not have to do. It looks like Prince Blueblood got the message and proceeds to the next event, which is the Stab the Gala Guest event.
Here, the contestants must use their horns to stab right through these cardboard cutouts of Gala Guest. Jambrain Spunkslinger, Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child, and Chjortnik Semenspit ready themselves and they charged right straight at them, and they all missed. Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker gives it his all and he misses as well. Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom runs down and he finds his mark! He has stab though Fancy Pants, that no-good, nasty, pretentious little bastard with no ambitions of becoming a nincompoop. And, the crowd seems to enjoy that, but they probably preferred the real one! I cannot blame for thinking that! Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom proceeds to the next event in first place, and Prince Blueblood has joined up with the group. However, Chjortnik Semenspit has found his mark and he proceeds in second place. Meanwhile, it looks like Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker and Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer are facing the opposite direction, trying to stab at invisible Gala Guest. And, they seem stupefied as to why they cannot hit anything. The judges walk up to them to tell them that they have to turn around. And, Jambrain Spunkslinger finds his target and takes his place in third. And, with an unbelievable change of roles, Prince Blueblood seems to be getting closer to his target, while Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child continues to miss his target and he is not getting any closer. And, coming in at forth is Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker, and PRINCE BLUEBLOOD HAS LAND A HIT AND IS ON FIFTH!!! HE TROTS IN VICTORY AS THE CROWD CHEERED AT HIS NINCOMPOOPNESS!!! AND, HE STILL HAS TIME TO CATCH UP!!! Coming at sixth is Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer, trotting behind Prince Blueblood and…
OH MY CELESTIA!!! BUMFLUFFMONKEYWHORE ODIOUS AND UNPLEASANT CHILD HAS JUST STABBED HIMSELF IN THE NECK WITH HIS OWN HORN!!! AND THE CROWD GOES EVEN WILDER!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! BUMFLUFFMONKEYWHORE ODIOUS AND UNPLEASANT CHILD, YOU ARE TRULY A MAGNIFICENT NINCOMPOOP!!! I SALUTE YOU!!! OH, WHAT A HISTORIC RACE THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE!!! AND, I HAVE A FEELING THAT MORE SURPRISES ARE IN STORE AS WE CONTINUE FORWARD TO THE CLIMATIC END!!!
In the sixth event, the contestants must insult Princess Luna in order to move on in the race! Princess Luna seem very confused about the contestants, and that is because we did not tell her about all of this! It just makes it funnier that way! Especially when Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom starts insulting her. Unfortunately, in order to keep the current rating where it is now, we cannot listen in to what Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom is saying to the princess. But, we can tell that it is having some sort of effect on her as her face turns from confusion to rage. But, it looks like that Chjortnik Semenspit is having a more tough time, especially when he seems to be distracted by his fiancé. Speaking of which, although our rule clearly specify that no others but the contestants may participate in the race, with him we had to make the exception, as long as his fiancé does not participate. Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer, our veteran nincompoop has come up and he is starting to insult her, very grievously, I might add. It seems very persuasive and the judges have concluded that it was enough for Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer to take first place! Wow, that is just incrediable! From sixth to first! Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer sure knows how to lay it on thick! The others seemed to be having a tough time trying to get her angry, but she looks more annoyed than angry! And, it looks like Chjortnik Semenspit seems to have remembered that he is in the contest and starts insulting the princess along with the others. And, it looks like Prince Blueblood is walking around the princess and…HE SLAPPED HER FLANK!!! USUALLY, THAT CAN BE SEEN AS A COMPLAMENT, BUT WE CAN SEE CLEARLY THAT PRINCESS LUNA DOES NOT LIKE IT, AT ALL!!! I guess that’s what happens when you are left on the moon for a thousands years! And, Prince Blueblood has taken second place! What a turn of events! The others are trying to insult Princess Luna, but she has taken flight and is leaving the park! They all seem very confused by it, but the judges quickly walk up to them and tell them that they can continue on. And, as for Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child, it looks like he is really dead, but that does not disqualifies him from the race!
Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer is still in first place as he moves on to the seventh event, where he must walk underneath the wooden beam. This is a very difficult event, takes a lot of coordination and a lot of brain power to figure this puzzle out. Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer walks up to it and he bangs his head! Next, Prince Blueblood comes up to it and, he too, hits his head and he falls down to the ground. Chjortnik Semenspit comes up from behind and he…TRIPS OVER PRINCE BLUEBLOOD AND HE, SOMEHOW, MADE IT UNDERNEATH THE WOODEN BEAM!! He is back in first place and heads to the eight event. Meanwhile, Jambrain Spunkslinger, Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker, and Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom are trying to make it across, but they keep hitting their heads against the beam! Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker falls down to the ground and he is not getting up! It seems that he has knocked himself silly! Prince Blueblood continues to try to get underneath the beam and he has succeeded, retaining his place in second as he moves on to catch up with Chjortnik Semenspit! And, it looks like Jambrain Spunkslinger as also made it under, placing in third, and the rest are still trying to figure how to get underneath it!
At the eighth event, we get to a really special one. Here, they must block themselves from cake while using their dates as their shield. Chjortnik Semenspit is in first, Prince Blueblood is in second, and Jambrain Spunkslinger is in third, and I have received word that Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom has made it under the beam, placing him at forth. Each of the contestants grabs their date and the cakes are now flying at them. The first one hits Jambrain Spunkslinger, but his back was to it, so he got covered in cake, but not his date. The cake has been flinged and it landed on Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom, who just stood right in front of it without using a date to block it. He has been told that is does not count. And, I have been told that Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker has made it under the beam, with Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer following from behind in sixth place, with Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child is still dead last. Another cake has been flung, and it hits Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer in the face, knocking him into the ground. Still no good. Another one and it went a little far, completely missing them. Another cake is flying though the air and it has hit-
UNBELIEVABLE!!! PRINCE BLUEBLOOD HAS TOSS HIS DATE INTO THE AIR, THEREBY HIS DATE GOT HIT BY THE CAKE!!! AND, THE JUDGES GAVE HIM THE GREEN LIGHT TO MOVE ON, PUTTING HIM IN FIRST PLACE!!! CAN THIS RACE GET ANYMORE EXCITING!?! HE PERFORMED THAT FEAT AS IF HE HAS DONE IT BEFORE!!! HE TROTS ON OVER TO THE FINAL EVENT, WHICH WILL DECIDE, ONCE AND FOR ALL, WHO WILL BE NINCOMPOOP OF THE YEAR!!! And, another cake flies and it hits the date of Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer, putting him at second place and he makes his way after Prince Blueblood! Next, is Jambrain Spunkslinger at third, than Chjortnik Semenspit in forth, with Father of Forty Dogs Donkeysucker and Rider of a Female Camel Humungousbottom taking fifth and sixth respectably, and Bumfluffmonkeywhore Odious and Unpleasant Child is still lying dead at event five!
AND, HERE WE ARE, MARES AND GENTLECOLTS!!! THE NINTH AND FINAL EVENT!!! THIS IS VERY SIMPLE!!! ALL THEY HAVE TO IS TO BEG PRINCESS CELESTIA TO SEND THEM TO THE SUN!!! PRINCE BLUEBLOOD IS ON HIS KNEES, BEGGING HIS AUNT TO SEND HIM THERE!!! FART IN A JAMJAR SHOESNIFFER IS NEXT TO HIM, ALSO ON HIS KNEES BEGGING!!! JAMBRAIN SPUNKSLINGER FOLLOWS BEHIND, WITH CHJORTNIK SEMENSPIT, FATHER OF FORTY DOGS DONKEYSUCKER AND RIDER OF A FEMALE CAMEL HUMUNGOUSBOTTOM RUNNING UP TO THE FINAL EVENT!!! PRINCESS CELESTIA SEEMS TO BE TAKING HER TIME, PICKING WHICH ONE REALLY WISHES TO TAKE THE ONEWAY TRIP TO THE SUN!!! WILL SHE SENDS HER ONLY NEPHEW, OR FART IN A JAMJAR SHOESNIFFER!?! WHAT ABOUT CHJORTNIK SEMEMSPIT OR JAMBRAIN SPUNKSLINGER!?! WHICH ONE WILL SHE CHOOSE…
IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A WINNER!!! THIS IS JUST INCREDABLE!!! PRINCE BLUEBLOOD IS OUR 667TH CANTERLOT SOCIALITE NINCOMPOOP!!! HE WILL BE GOING TO THE SUN WHERE HE WILL BE BURNED TO A CRISP!!! COMING IN SECOND IS CHJORTNIK SEMENSPIT, WHICH LOOKS LIKE HE IS AND HIS FIANCE ARE GOING ON A BELATED HONEYMOON, AND HE SEEMS VERY EXCITED TO GO!!! AND, IN THIRD IS THE VETERAN FROM LAST YEAR, FART IN A JAMJAR SHOESNIFFER, AND HE LOOKS VERY HAPPY TO MAKE IT MUCH FARTHER THAN HE DID BEFORE!!! AND, FOR CONSTINLATION PRIZES, JAMBRAIN SPUNKSLINGER, FATHER OF FORTY DOGS DONKEYSUCKER, AND RIDER OF FEMALE CAMEL HUMUNGOUSBOTTOM ARE TURNED INTO STONE STATUES!!! AND, BUMFLUFFMONKEYWHORE ODIOUS AND UNPLEASENT CHILD IS STILL DEAD LAST!!!
Well, there you have it, folks! To recap, first place, Prince Blueblood! In second place, Chjortnik Semenspit! And in third place, Fart in a Jamjar Shoesniffer! This has been the most exciting Canterlot Socialite Nincompoop of the Year Competition in forever! And, I’m sure our sponsor is very excited to see her dark horse won! Along with all that money! We thank you for joining us in this year’s Canterlot Socialite Nincompoop Competition! We hope to see you again next year!
