Like, Make Love, Not Rainbows Man
Canterlot Castle was in the middle of some major hullabaloo. Over what, though, Pinkie Pie had not the slightest of clues.
“Mmm… this frosting is ruining my ensemble, but why bother? My twin sisters can always help me weave new ones. EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!”
“The whole of the Earth is spinning… woooh…”
Perhaps somebody had intruded into the royal kitchens and was in the midst of a massive pastry caper? That’s where most of the ponies and other guests appeared to have been heading, Fluttershy and her friend from the Society for the Protection of Rare and Magical Creatures having been the first.
“Tia, Tia come quick! These blue, feathery things have sprouted upon my royal shoulders and I think I’m in love with them!”
...make that more than a mere pastry caper.
As said hullabaloo unfolded, Pinkie Pie strode merrily through the halls of Castle Canterlot with cheerful abandon. Either she was uninterested in the raving and commotion from the rooms behind her, was completely oblivious to them due to the sheer amount of sugar and other things she had ingested, or both.
In a state of pure euphoria and her eyes fully bloodshot, the earth pony’s pink, white, and blue evening gown trailed after her. Pinkie Pie’s hoofsteps resounded on polished marble and posh rugs adorned with intricate designs, as well as the random piles of confetti and scattered miscellania that sometimes threw themselves into her path. The cavernous corridor echoed Pinkie’s steps as the only answer to the chaotic sounds behind her.
A fork rattled ever so slightly on a plate of cake she held in her right forehoof as she continued onward.
Everything was awesome.
“...far out! We should totally like, write this shit down.”
When she had just gulped down another forkful of the delicious dessert, Pinkie was greeted by the sight of two Royal Guards skipping and pronking along merrily in the opposite direction. Their eyes were equally bloodshot and they appeared as if they had just discovered the secrets of the universe.
The armoured stallion and mare gave her grinning glances. “Woah, look babe, it’s like… sentient chewing gum, and she’s eating cake!” the white-coloured stallion exclaimed.
“No, babe! That’s like, incorrect, and stuff. Proper term is ‘sapient’, yeah, right on!” the mare replied, waving her armored, charcoal-coloured forehooves around experimentally as if they had just appeared on her body before continuing onward.
Pinkie grinned and waved as they passed her, “Hiya!” then returned to her dessert. “Mmm… vanilla frosting,” she moaned as she licked her lips delectably.
“Hello, Bubblegum!” the couple greeted as they continued on their way. Weapons and armour plating clanged drunkenly with their springy steps.
At some point between bites of seemingly endless cake, Pinkie Pie had found herself at the threshold to a spiral staircase that lead only downward and was lit by electric wall sconces in the shape of heater shields.
“Ooh.”
In reality, they casted a warm amber glow to the downward passage, but for Pinkie Pie, it was a veritable rave of rainbow flashes that enticed her interest.
Without further ado, Pinkie descended the stairs with widened eyes of untold wonder. The staircase had little of note to boast beyond its groovy lights, except perhaps for purple cobwebs where the castle custodial servants must have gotten lazy. However, the sight that greeted Pinkie Pie at the bottom of said staircase after almost a minute’s descent was far more engaging and striking to her eyes than the wall sconces could ever hope to boast.
All around Pinkie Pie in the large circular room sat row upon row of desks, servers, computer consoles, and flashing multicoloured lights in all their digital and analog glory. The orderly rows all faced a central trio of view screens atop a short stage that each displayed a map of the planet’s continents on the first. The second was of Equestria proper, and the third of Canterlot and nearby Ponyville. With the regular beeps and flashing of the lights, Pinkie Pie’s ‘enhanced” vision perceived a rave that had turned into an all out orgastic circus of light, sound, and whimsical sensation.
With the exception of a couple of narrow windows set high up into the walls, the only illumination came from the computer consoles and the lights above the stage.
Metal and plastic surfaces felt like fur to Pinkie Pie, and the otherwise ordinary concrete floor felt sticky, as if a massive puddle had been formed from an exploded crate of maple syrup.
Further scanning of the room – the middle chamber of one of the castle’s larger spires – revealed to Pinkie that the sole other occupants of the spacious military command center were two unicorn mare officers, seated on the floor with a wicker basket in front of a bank of blinking servers, and a stallion passed out at what was presumably his workstation, dressed in an azure-gold officer uniform that matched the mares’ big caps.
The boxy gathering of wires and consoles that were the servers stood adjacent to the same wall as the entrance Pinkie Pie had come in from, so they and their unusual horned audience were the closest thing for her to study with her wild eyes.
Pinkie Pie bounced in the unicorns’ direction, but halted when she noticed what they were up to, and noticing that she had finally run out of cake.
The uniformed mares were staring at the servers in complete rapture, laughing their heads off at the blinking lights as they occasionally reached for what appeared to be mostly inconspicuous slices of glowing blue fungi or lichen from the hippy-dippy picnic basket, and the inside of their upturned peaked caps as if they were bags of popcorn. The rest of both their uniforms lie strewn about the immediate area in a most disorderly fashion.
Not wanting to be rude and interrupt their favourite ‘movie’, Pinkie Pie refrained from greeting them and instead decided that it would be less rude to risk waking the pegasus at his station for some reason.
The stallion had an untouched plate of cake and a still steaming mug of coffee next to him, and he was using the glass of the active radar display as a rather sad placeholder for a pillow.
“Hey, you gonna eat that cake, Mister?” Pinkie Pie inquired, taking a seat next to the stallion and gesturing at the untouched sugary treat as she set her empty plate on top of some red buttons to her left.
The azure pegasus simply mumbled unintelligibly, pivoting his head in her direction and letting out a loud snore as he perched his mug sleepily onto the table surface in front of the displays and myriad buttons.
“Cool, thanks!” Pinkie responded, having perceived the movements as the stallion waking up and nodding before turning into a giant wedding cake on the chair. The top decoration of the cake was a miniature of the stallion at his desk as he actually was.
As she proceeded to dig into the stallion’s slice of cake – chocolate fudge! – Pinkie Pie inspected the controls and computers in front of her and at her curious hooftips. So many shiny and flashing buttons, levers, and knobs!
“Ooh… I didn’t know the Royal Army had a big arcade room! Time for some serious gaming!” Suddenly feeling like she was in the middle of a candy store, the earth pony started playing with the computers like a little filly. “Need more cake soon… no forgetsies, Pinkie!” Pinkie Pie added as an afterthought, noting that the chocolate and fudge slice was now half-eaten.
The console computers responded in kind with various beeps, boops, and flashing screens.
Pinkie Pie’s enjoyment with the machines only grew as she began to hear phantom carnival music play right in her ears while confetti and magical glitter popped in midair before her.
“Welcome, General Flash. You have selected the tier one ballistic arsenal for usage in royal defense contingency: ‘Rainbow Rain Omega.’ Launch installations and orbital assets are on standby for joint-alicorn key dispensation and utilization,” a cool and friendly digitized voice made to mimic Celestia’s motherly cadence interjected from Pinkie Pie’s console, causing the stallion nearby to let out a particularly loud snore. “All command staff are encouraged to consult the guidelines of royal proclamation three hundred and six, as issued by Her Highness Princess Celestia, during target selection in the absence of royal oversight and directive.”
“Oh, hiya, princess! Did I set a new high score? Or better yet… did I win more yummy cake? And what’s rainbow rain, it sounds super exciting!” Pinkie Pie replied to the computer.
“Confirmation phrase ‘yummy_cake’ accepted. Dispensing launch keys now, please stand by…” A hidden compartment opened up atop the stage in front of Pinkie Pie, unsealing and causing her to enthusiastically look up from the console to get a view. “Be advised, all active continental and periphery Equestrian installations have now been placed on high alert per standard operating procedure.”
Sure enough, the map of the Equestrian Kingdom up on the stage and the rest of the continent itself lit up red in certain regions, from east to west coasts and even a number of islands, both near and far. Likewise, the continent was also lit up red as a whole on the world map, complete with a venerable sea of exclamation marks on both view screens.
For the moment, the view screen focusing upon Central Equestria remained a serene white and blue.
“Dude, shouldn’t we be, like, looking into that? Computer Princess is awake again,” one of the unicorn mares remarked, the both of them with their eyes still glued to the servers in front of them.
“Nah, dude,” her colleague replied. “The Great Blue Cap told us to just take it easy for today because it was like, a holiday you know, like with the Gala n’ all. ‘Sides, my favourite scene is coming up.”
“Oh, ha ha, that’s right! Cool!” the first one enthused, stomping her hoof.
“Ooh, this must be another game!” Pinkie Pie darted away from the workstations and the still sleeping stallion, stepping onto the stage to study the newly revealed compartment.
Said compartment had emerged from the oak floor of the stage neatly and mechanically, and within was a suitcase adorned with the flag of Equestria, accompanied by the horn, lightning bolt, and garland leaves sigil of the military, as well as – curiously – a lipstick stain. The suitcase popped open in Pinkie Pie’s grinning presence with a friendly beep. As Pinkie peered inside, she found four keys with blue, white, pink, and violent equine skulls and crossbones neatly arranged on velvet lining, awaiting retrieval.
“Yay, controllers! Hmm…” Pinkie Pie mused, looking between the launch keys and the maps above. “I wonder… Do I have to use these keys to make the maps super-duper blue again, or am I supposed to spread the red around like hoofpainting?”
As if on cue, four ornate pedestals raised up onto the stage from another hidden compartment in the floor.
“Launch keys dispensed. Awaiting insertion and targeting input for royal defense contingency ‘Rainbow Rain Omega,’” Computer Celestia stated.
Pinkie Pie approached the pedestals and looked at each of them, noting the identical holes to be the perfect match for each key. “Hey, Your Highness? I think somepony might have messed up the controllers last time. Ooh, so I can fix them? Okay!”
Without further ado, Pinkie Pie inserted each key into a random pedestal.
“Keys engaged. Silos opening. Please input targeting commands.” More red exclamation marks cropped up on the view screen maps, including the third local map.
“Whaaat? Oh, wait, I think I gotcha. If this game is red vs blue, then rainbow rain must be the secret to playing!” Pinkie Pie, looking like she hadn’t slept in over two weeks, had a firm smile of determination. “Red and blue are obviously realllly upset at each other for some reason, so Your Highness, why not share the rainbow cheer with everyone!”
“Processing… Royal defense sub-contingency ‘rainbow on the parade’ enacted. Coordinates for all national capitals within range of tier one ballistic arsenal are now locked in. Commencing final rainbomb launch countdown. Congratulations, General Flash and command staff! Your kingdom’s rightful vengeance is assured!”
“Yay!”
Prismatic vector lines began crisscrossing the global map like an ominous rainbow spiderweb. Meanwhile, more exclamation marks emerged on all three view screens, although their messages were lost on Pinkie Pie.
“Mass rainbomb ballistics launch in t-minus thirty… twenty-nine… twenty-eight…”
“Ooh… this is getting intense!”
“NOOO!” the sleeping pegasus stallion – now stone cold awake – cried out suddenly. “My coffee got cold, urgh!”
“Hello!” Pinkie Pie said, turning from the view screens momentarily to greet him. The royal officer met her grinning wave with dilated peoples.
“Do you have any coffee, talking sapient bubblegum?”
“Nope, sorry!”
The stallion said nothing back, only getting up and making his way out of the command center muttering to himself about how hot beverages getting cold was the work of the Dark Lord Arabus, whose darkness far eclipsed that of any coffee bean roast. Neither he nor the unicorn mares paid either any notice.
“Hey, could you fetch me some more cake? Pretty please?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Yeah, yeah. Sure thing, talking bubblegum pony,” the officer said before he got out of earshot.
“Fifteen...fourteen…” the computer continued.
“Almost there!” Pinkie Pie sing-songed with anticipation before fetching and finishing the remainder of the pegasus’ cake.
“Four… three… two… one... safeties engaged, launch aborted.”
“Whaaa…” Pinkie Pie’s jaw dropped in incomprehension, and not just because the continental outline of Equestria onscreen was now blurring into the shape of Twilight Sparkle’s face, pulled into a grotesque and exaggerated form of a grin.
“Unauthorized intruder(s): you are terrible, horrible, deplorable ponies for nearly destroying the Earth through rainbow fire. For shame! For shame, my little ponies!”
“I’m afraid Computer Princess is right about the latter, my little pony,” a similar, albeit far more natural version of the computer’s voice spoke up, filling the room all at once with its stern and awesome severity. Pinkie Pie turned and beheld what was nothing less than a foal’s wish made real: a living alicorn-sized snowpony wearing a golden crown. She was even complete with the pointy carrot nose, coal lips, and violet button eyes that pierced the soul.
“The system is designed to abort launch if the keys are not put in their proper pedestals in the proper order with the others, or if they are inserted properly but by those with an improper magical signature. All meant to detect intruders, and prevent accidental warfare, you see. This is all very serious, Pinkie Pie,” the evidently shapeshifting being explained, now a talking, floating plastic bag full of white dust. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Uhh… me and Treehugger put too much extra yummies in the cake mix?” Pinkie Pie answered back with a grin, her still bloodshot eyes twitching slightly.
“Cake mix, maybe, dude. Among other things!” the coffee mug where Pinkie had been earlier interjected, floating in midair before magically poofing into the form of Discord, but with eyes identical to Pinkie Pie’s and a carefree grin on his face. “Cellie, this chick totally almost cooked like, half the world with the rainbow rain! Isn’t that just… crazy?”
“Cake…” Pinkie Pie mumbled, entering into a new, less energetic stretch of her ongoing trip.
Discord hovered over to what was in reality a stern and obviously ticked off Celestia, who simply sighed and shook her swan-like head as she looked from Pinkie Pie to Discord and back.
“Given the state of everypony tonight, I suppose a lecture would really achieve nothing. I might as well be speaking to a greenhouse full of sapient cannabis… Right, Discord, you know what’s in order here.”
The draconequus started giggling to himself before snapping his fingers.
“No fair! I demand the power to execute my royally-ensured freedom to have or not have diabetes as I see fit!” a now clear-headed and lucid – if rather under the weather – Pinkie Pie protested, struggling to free herself from the magical grip of the chair she was in, one enchanted to literally glue its occupant to it.
The three were now back in the ballroom, where the Gala had somehow picked back up again, as its attendees drifted between episodes of clarity and outright tripping from what they had ingested.
Octavia Melody’s Canterlot Ensemble had ditched their finery and were now in the middle of trying to converse or tango with their instruments. In a far corner, Applejack was hog-tied on the middle of a spinning phonograph disc with a deadpan expression on her face, nobles were giving exaggerated impressions of the average Equestrian citizen, and all other variety of shenanigans could be witnessed, including one of which Pinkie Pie was the exclusive intended audience member of.
“This is cruel and unusual punishment!” Pinkie chirped.
“Au contraire, my awesome mare,” Discord chuckled, seated at a table beside Celestia, “we’re going to enjoy the remainder of tonight’s sweets, and you will be our lovely company stuck with having to drive the rest of us home! Oh, it shall be magnificent!”
“Mmm… in the interest of national security, it already is,” Celestia replied, her mouth already purposefully full of frosting and yummy cake.