Introduction: Dumb Rock
The moon cast its dim light upon Equestria, illuminating a lone pony walking in the outskirts of Ponyville. The mare was guiding a covered cart along one of the lesser travelled roads; straps secured tightly to her elegant white body.
“Stupid ponies… stupid friends… stupid Rainbow… stupid Pinkie…,” she mumbled, “bringing it straight to my door.”
“Oh, we’ve got a perfect date for you. It’s with a fine pony.” the mare said, mimicking what a certain annoying pink mare had said the previous day.
“Ha. Ha. Very funny girls...,” she said in vexation. “Why can’t they just leave poor L’il Miss Rarity alone? It’s not fair!” Rarity stomped her hooves down onto the dirt road in frustration.
After a couple more minutes of hauling the cart, the fashionista decided she had gone far enough. Blue light emanated from her horn. The same light shone around the equipment holding her to the shaft as the designer undid the clasps and ropes surrounding her. Rarity proceeded to gently set down her saddle onto the side of the cart. As the blue light faded, the mare began to trot towards the contents of the cart.
With a hoof she lifted the spread on the cart and stared at the source of her malcontent attitude. “It’s all your fault. You piece of schist.”
The rock didn’t respond.
“Okay, maybe that was a little coarse of me.” The fashionista let out a little chuckle. “Heh, I guess you could say: ‘I’m rocking these!’”
“Ughhh! Make it stop!” A purple and green dragon yelled. Being rudely awoken by somepony was one thing, but being awoken by bad puns: that was downright evil. “Too many pu-”
“Wait a sec’, where am I?” The dragon wiped a layer of crust off his eyes, took a survey of his surroundings, and saw a single mare. Unable to make out who it was, he said the most intelligent thing he could think of (which would be better if he had higher intelligence than a pony in Elemanetary School): “Is this a ponynapping? Don’t hurt me! I’m not good in bed! I can entertain other ways! I’m a good juggler!”
“It’s just me, Spike.” Rarity illuminated her horn, making her gracious blue eyes and signature purple mane glow so the startled dragon could see her clearly. “And what was that part about you ‘in bed’?”
“Oh… don’t get the wrong idea, I’m good in- I mean- I don’t wanna- ughh… just forget it,” he said stupidly, face flushing in embarrassment.
The white unicorn rolled her eyes. Using her magic, she transported the dragon from his makeshift bed and set him down on the ground. In addition, she floated out two firefly filled jars for the light her horn couldn’t provide and set them down next to Spike.
One major question was still unanswered:
“Why did you bring me here anyway?” Spike inquired. Maybe she wants a private place for the both of us. That would be so awesome! Come on, private place, Spike thought, crossing his fingers.
“Well I need someone to dig a hole for me and thought you would be just perfect! ” She said jovially. “Please, my little Spikey-Wikey?”
The librarian’s assistant groaned. “Do I have to? It’s getting late and I probably shou-”
His speech was interrupted by a peck on the cheek from the white mare. The dragon broke off into incoherent blabber and decided to introduce his face to the ground. Rarity grinned a bit before regaining her ladylike composure.
“The shovels are in the back of the cart, my dear.” she said and began to look for a suitable spot to bury the dastardly thing.
After Spike’s face and the road had made their proper acquaintance, he pushed himself off the ground. He then took one of the lamps that Rarity had set out for the two and set off to retrieve a shovel from the cart. Digging his claws into the wood, he pulled himself up to reach the tools he needed to dig. What he saw astonished and confused him.
He gazed at a boulder. Not just any boulder, this was that boulder. “Ummm… Rarity, is that-”
“Yes, yes it is Spike. I want to bury it in a place where no pony will find it. I do not want to have to go through anything involving that dumb rock again. This time I’m going to get rid of it for good,” the mare explained. She trotted over to a particularly clear patch of dirt. “Ah, this is perfect! Bring the shovel here dear!” she yelled to the dragon.
“What did Pinkie and Rainbow do this time?” Spike questioned. The duo were the only ponies that ever pulled pranks on her without consequences. Her reactions to the instances where somepony other than her friends pulled a prank on her are too graphic for this story. The author will let you know that it involved whips, sex toys, and many an inflamed plot. You may leave that up to your imagination. The bottom line is that the dragon knew it was by means of the pink and rainbow ponies.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” She gritted her teeth, trying to not be so mad at them as to seek revenge. The mare didn’t want to remind herself and go crazy… again.
“Pleeeeeeeaaaaassseee?” the dragon asked annoyingly.
“No, and that is final.” Rarity put her hoof down.
“But-”
The mare knew this was not getting her anywhere, so she then offered him something he couldn’t resist: “I’ll give you a real kiss if you drop it and start worki-”
“WHATEVER YOU SAY, MY LADY!” The librarian’s assistant quickly took one of the small shovels out of the cart and subsequently jumped down onto the dirt road. He then ran as fast as his little feet could take him.
And now I have to kiss a baby dragon; can somepony please give Rarity a break? The fashionista trotted back to the cart to retrieve the giant slate boulder. The light being emitted from her horn was matched by the rock as she hoisted her aggressor up with blue magic. She started to float it to where Spike was digging.
“Metamorphosize in Tartarus, dumb rock.”
(THANK YOU FOR SITTING THROUGH THIS SILLINESS. Just a fair warning, this fanfic will only get sillier and sillier. So be prepared. AND TELL ME I’M PRETTY.)
[Many a thanks to thegamefilmguruman, MagicLlama, Silver Smith, Timma, Bronyken, The Dragon Warlock, and That 1 Guy for being awesome]