> Marepocalypse Now!
>  by Lethally Insane
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Part 1: An Out of Towner
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lone pony peaked out from a closet. He was young, not much older than seventeen. He glanced around, then stepped out. Breathing a sigh of relief, he stepped downstairs.

“Thanks, Mr and Mrs. Cake,” he said, walking towards the door. “ I wouldn’t have made it through this year without you.”
“No problem, Free.” Mr. Cake called from the back. “ Next year, just don’t go out. I didn’t until I met Mrs. Cake.”
“I’ll take your advice, Mr. Cake.” he said. “ Next mating season, I’ll be ready.”

He stepped outside; he had been cooped up inside the Cake’s closet for five days straight. He rubbed a bite mark that he had received on day one. Serves me right, that's what I get for locking myself out. He ran a hoof through his mane. He had roughly a year to prepare. He walked briskly to his house on the outskirts of Ponyville. He muttered darkly under his breath as he fiddled magically with his door’s lock.

Back at Sugarcube Corner, Mr. Cake looked out the window at the fastly disappearing Free Writer. He had been a frequent at the shop since a few years back. He had came to the door roughly one day into the season. Nursing a love bite on his ribs, he had been dodging the hordes of horny females for at least two hours. Naturally, Mr. Cake had hid him in a closet until the season had died down. I hope his opinion of the opposite sex isn’t too damaged, He thought, after all, it’s really just hormones. 

He turned his attention to a slightly more important matter, a wife to satisfy…..

ONE YEAR LATER…..

Part 1: an out of towner.

(Perspective: Free Writer)

I looked over my notes and schematics. I pushed my glasses onto the bridge of my snout. I had queued up some classical music on an old phonograph my parents had left me. It didn’t suit my tastes as much as metal, but it was good concentrating music. The last layer of the barrier would go up today, the eve of mating season. I had invested lots of time and bits into mare proofing the house, but it would all be worth it in the next five days. I chuckled to myself, no one would get to me this year.

As it turns out, last year’s debacle had been the closest call, for me at least. I had moved to Ponyville when I was sixteen from Fillydelphia. Back in the city, mating season was much more orderly. I had barely heard of it until sixteen; that was my first ponyville mating season. I had made it without being caught by doing what I always did, hiding in closets. It seemed now like I had a habit of it. This year was going to be different. I had prepared much more than those years.

I readied the last phase of the spell, a aura the color of ink coated my house. Then, it shimmered into invisibility. It would hold the unicorns from disintegrating the steel bars I had installed on the windows to keep the earth ponies and pegasi out. I had even put a grate over the fireplace. Apparently, some of the craftier mares had tried to lower themselves into some holdouts’ homes through them. I wasn’t leaving anything to chance. I looked out the window. The hordes were forming now. Figures were emerging from houses. No doubt as horny as ever, I thought. I saw a train puffing into the station. A few figures got out, I hoped they knew what time of year it was. The figures from town started moving toward the station. Poor bastards, I thought. I knew what came next, and it wasn’t going to be a happy experience for them. I took off the classical music from the phono and switched to a more modern CD player. The sweet, sweet sound of Dragon’s Bane came over the speakers. I began to hum as the mating season began.

(Prospective: Iron Ore)

I stepped off the train, looking at my former hometown, breathing in the scent of fresh flowers and grass. I looked around the station. It was desolate. I glanced at a calendar, instantly realising the horrible truth. It was Celestia damn mating season. I turned to see the train leaving and the mares setting in. The station master was boarded up in his booth. I had one chance, I hoped that Free Writer was in town. He had been a good friend in school and when I had moved to Manehatten to pursue an editorial career, he had been behind me one hundred percent. I hopped on to the tracks next to the warning sign. Buck the rules, I thought, it’s mating season. I galloped around the outside of the village, heading towards the hill that my friend’s house was on. I was halfway there when I started to see shadows in the trees; they were catching up.

“Omigosh,” I heard one of them say. “ is that Iron Ore?”
“No?” one replied. “ I used to have such a crush on him back in school.”
“I thought he was a huge stoner.” another said.
“I’m not a stoner!” I yelled over my shoulder.

I increased my efforts, my track and field training kicking in. I might not have had magic like Writer, or wings like Grasshopper, but I was fast on my feet. I booked it to Writer’s house; suddenly, there were no hoofbeats behind me. I had reached the door, knocking rapidly. I glanced back at the woods. Just beyond them on the edges of the field were at least twenty mares. The door opened, and Free Writer pulled me in.

“Hey, Iron,” he said to me, nonchalantly. “ I thought that visit was today. How are you?”
“Pretty good,” I replied, catching my breath. “ I just wished I had some warning.”
“Sorry,” he said, “ I was a bit caught up in the last bit of my defences.”
“Are they still out there?” I asked.
“Yep,” he replied. “ but my distraction worked well.”
“What distraction?” I asked.
“I put those male model calendars out across the yard.” he replied. “ Hopefully it will keep their ovaries occupied until they forget about you.”
“Wow, man,” I chuckled. “ didn’t know you swung that way.”
“I don’t.” he deadpanned. 
We broke into laughter as he resumed his CD player. I had got it for him for his eighteenth birthday, six months back.

“Dude,” I said, chuckling. “ still listening to power metal?”
“You know it.” he replied. “ That and metalcore. Have you given Amon’s Blessing a review yet?”
“Yeah, man,” I said, thinking back to their album Twilight of the Thunder Pony. “ that’s some heavy stuff.”
“You want something to drink?” he asked.
“Cider, on the rocks.” I replied.
“It’s not even lunch time, bro.” he joked.
“Buck it,” I said.
“It’s mating season.” he finished.

(Perspective: Grasshopper)

I rubbed my eyes groggily. Upon seeing the empty cider tankards scattered around the room, I tried to remember what happened last night. For a split second I almost forgot: I was hungover. This, however, was quickly reminded to me by a splitting headache. I tried to get to my hooves. What day is it? I stumbled towards a wall calendar in my room. It was June tenth! What? No, it couldn’t be June tenth. I looked out the window. They were already out.
“No, no, no, no.” I muttered under my alcohol spliced breath.

I quickly stepped to the next room. Marmalade was sprawled out on the bed. I shook the blonde unicorn awake.

“Wha?” he said deliriously. 
“Dude,” I said. “ it’s mating season.”
“Shit.” he responded almost instantly.
“What do we do?” I asked, drawing the curtains closed.
“Free Writer.” he answered. Referring to our mutual friend.
“What about him?” I asked.
“He said that he was prepared for the season.” Dark continued. “ If we can get to him, we might be able to hide.”
“What if we’re caught?” I asked.
“It’s better than waiting for them to gang rape us in here.” he concluded.
“Fair enough.” I replied. “ I’ll try by the air, I can scout ahead for you.”
“Alright,” he said. “ let’s go.”

I opened a window and flew out. It didn’t help that I was still hung over. I wobbled through the sky, flying from cloud to cloud. I saw Marmalade leave the house, making his way through the streets. I looked off to the right, spotting a crowd of mares around a blue box. I moved a cloud over to them so I could hear their conversation. I looked closer, is that Dinky Doo? It was, she was standing guard against the crowd of mares.

“Let us in, kid.” one said. “ We know he’s in there.”
“Sorry, Colgate.” she replied cheerfully. “ Mommy’s already in there with my new Daddy.”
“Why can’t she share?!” Colgate said, exasperated. “ I didn’t even get one last year.”
“Mommy told me not to let anyone in.” she said.
“Fine, Dinky,” she said, “ but I’ll be back. It’s only day one after all.”

I turned back and flew to Writer’s house. I hoped Marmalade had made it. Writer should let him in, I thought, after all, they both study together. I landed outside the field. Marmalade crept up beside me.

“The town was clear.” he reported. “ they were heading to the train station.”
“Good,” I said, “ Free’s house is just ahead.”

We ran up a path to his house. we stopped at the door. I knocked quickly, and he opened.

“In.” he said.
“Thanks.”

Iron Ore was already sitting on the couch with some cider. Free Writer held his own, with magic. He looked at us with a sly look on his face.

“You forgot, didn’t you?” he asked.
“N-no,” I said. “ we just thought we would ride out the season with some friends.”
“Right,” he chuckled, handing me his drink. “ I’ll grab one for Marmalade, and we can start.”
“Start what?” I asked.
“History of mating season.” Iron Ore spoke up from the couch.
“Oh, sweet Celestia.” I said, facehoofing.

(Perspective: Marmalade)

I sat down on the couch, downing the cider that Free Writer had given me. He had pulled out an old film projector and drew the shades. An old timey countdown started and a disembodied voice began.

“Mating season,” It started. “ one of the most feared times in the year. That is, for the common male. You may be wondering, why have your female friends become ravenous? The short answer is, hormones. You see, back when the ponies were just tribes, mating season was a ritual participated in by both sexes. However, as the female population grew, the males couldn’t keep up.”
“Thus,” it said. “ the normally monogamous ponies temporarily descended into a polygamous frenzy. This made the male population extremely uneasy; however, their pleas for suffrage were finally answered shortly after our glorious princesses took power. They introduced the concept of permamating. In this process, the mare permanently leaves her scent on the male, thus warding off other females in the heat.”
“This satisfied the male ponies’ distaste for polygamy,” it continued, “ while also allowing the females to find mates. Now, to move on to tips for hiding, rule number 1: alway---”

The film cut off as it melted into itself. Making a warped sound, the projector started to smoke.
“Ah, shit, shit, shit, shit.” Writer muttered, fanning it.
“Well, now what?” I asked. “I feel like I just watched a grade school puberty video.”
“I don’t know,” he muttered. “ I guess we wait.”
“You got beds?” I asked.
“And Booze.” he added.
“I’m down for that.” I said.

> Part 2: Horny, Horny, Oxen Free!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY TWO

Part Two: Horny, Horny, Oxen Free!

(Perspective: Free Writer)
I sat in a chair facing a window. The bags under my eyes felt like bricks. I glanced at the clock. It was six in the morning. I’d pulled an all nighter. I took one last glance at Ponyville basking in the rising sun. Wait, I thought, what’s that? I pulled out some binoculars from a drawer in the coffee table. I looked out the windows again. A single pink pony was bouncing up the hill. Sweet Celestia, no, I thought, I don’t even know if all of my barriers will stop her. I galloped up the stairs.

“Wake the buck up!” I yelled down the hallway. “ We got trouble!”

I rushed back down the stairs, It was around here somewhere. I pulled a mini tramp out from under the guestroom bed. I opened the grate and shoved it in the fireplace. There was a knock on the door. She was here. I gulped and walked to the peep hole.

Pinkie Pie stood outside.

“Hi, Pinkie.” I gulped.
“Hi there, Free Writer!” she said through the door. “ Can I come in?”
“Pinkie,” I said. “ I can’t do that, you and I both know what's happening right now.”
“I’ll just have to find my own way in.” she giggled.

The others were down now. I looked at them.

“Prepare for contact.” I said.
“The Buck?” Iron said.
“Pinkie figured out that we’re here.” I stated calmly.
“Celestia, no.” Grassy muttered.
“What do we do?” I asked.
“I know.” Marmalade said finding a glass of cider. 
“Writer,” he said, downing it. “ get me a wool sock.”
“Wait what?” Grasshopper asked.
“She only needs one of us,” he said. “ I can draw her attention for awhile. If she catches me, maybe if I buck her hard enough, she’ll call it quits for the season.”
“You don’t need to do this.” Iron said.
“Oh, but I do.” he said. “ I probably won’t get laid in any other circumstance. Grasshopper, you should know, I can barely carry a conversation anyway.”

There was a crash and a spring. There Pinkie was, sitting on a hastily placed mini tramp. It was now or never.

“Horny, Horny Oxen Free!” she giggled.
“The buck?” I said.
“Oh, that’s this part’s title.” she said.
“What?” Iron asked.
“Hey!” a disembodied voice said. “ They don’t know that?!”
“What?” she replied. “ It was so well placed.”
“No it really wasn’t.” it argued.

A hand appeared out of the air, and flicked her on the back of the head.

“Hey, that wasn’t nice.” she pouted.
“Deal with it, I’m the writer.” it said fading away.
“Fine.” she huffed.
“Anyway?” she said turning to us. “ Which one of you stallions wants to party?”

We looked at Marmalade. Grasshopper found a wool sock and gave it to him. We saluted him.
“Just get in the Celestia damn closet.” he said flatly.

We huddled in the closet and locked the door. Marmalade was alone with Pinkie, and we didn’t want to think about what happened next.

(Perspective: Marmalade)
I unlocked the door, and moved towards the grate.

“Inevitably,” I started. “ you and I are going to buck. I know this, and I’ve accepted that.”
“Oh?” she giggled.
“However,” I said, grinning, unhooking the grate, “ you’ll have to catch me first.”

I bolted out the door towards sweet apple acres. I would make my last stand there. Running through the woods, I looked back. She was following me. She bounced along at near the same pace I was running. I bounded between apple trees, I was nearing the center of the orchard. Here, at least, I thought, no one can hear me scream. I stopped, letting her catch up to me.

“Any last words?” she asked flirtatiously, catching up to me.

I pondered this for a second. Buck it, I thought, it’s mating season.

“I’m a steaming cauldron of sexual needs right now.” I replied.
“Kinky.” she said, leaping at me.

(Prospective: Iron Ore)

“Well,” Free Writer spoke after five minutes of silence. “ I’ve spent last three mating seasons in a closet at some point. Buck my life.”
“Would you have rather have taken on Pinkie?” I asked him.
“Good point.” he shrugged. “ I’ll take hiding in a closet to that.”
“Finally coming out of the closet, eh?” Grasshopper piped up beside us.
“Dick.” Free dismissed him.
“Sucker.” Grasshopper sniggered.
“Let’s get out of here.” Free Writer sighed, opening the door.

We walked out into the foyer. I sat on the couch again as Grasshopper went for the cider. Free Writer passed out on a large blue chair. Grasshopper came back in and handed me a glass.

“Still a stoner?” he prodded.
“I never was.” I replied.
“That’s a lie.” he argued.

Ever since I had let my mane grow out as a teen, people had speculated that I was a ‘stoner’. Then, I started hanging around with Free Writer. He had never accused me of being a stoner except in the context of a jest. Then again, he knew what actual stoners looked like. He insisted that I didn’t really fit that bill.

“Should we let him sleep?” I asked, changing the subject.
“I don’t see why not.” Grasshopper replied. “ I’ll take the first watch.”
“Alright.” I said.

A FEW HOURS LATER

(Perspective: Grasshopper)

I scanned Ponyville for the upteenth time with a pair of binoculars. I saw two figures walking out of one of Sweet Apple Acre’s orchards. They were coming up the path together. Could it be them? They were drawing closer now. Pinkie and Marmalade stopped at the door, Pinkie bouncing in place. 

“Marm?” I called through the door.
“Yeah, Grassy?” he replied.
“Is she, uh, gonna go for us now?” I asked.
“Naw, man.” he said.
“You didn’t.” I said, understanding dawning.
“We did.” Pinkie said. “ He’s mine now. We just need a slightly more comfortable place, to stay.”

I groaned and opened the door to a ecstatic Pinkie and a dirt covered Marmalade. They stepped in and immediately went upstairs. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a barrel of cider. I wouldn’t need the glasses; it would be gone by the time I was done.

(Perspective: ???)

A sand colored Unicorn looked through the telescope at the house on the hill. She murmured to herself, rubbing a very private place. She had gotten so close last year. He had been within her grasp. She remembered his bony ribs against her tongue. It will be different this year, she thought to herself. She had been scanning Ponyville for a day, waiting for when she would strike. She licked her lips and rubbed harder. Soon, very soon, she thought.

(Perspective: Free Writer)

I opened my eyes. I was sprawled out on a large blue recliner. Grassy was passed out on the couch with a empty barrel of cider between his forelegs like a lover. Iron was watching the window. I heard a thumping upstairs.

“Who’s upstairs?” I asked.
“Marmalade and Pinkie.” he said, grimacing.
“Oh.” I said. “ Hang on a sec.”

I walked upstairs to the door that the noise was emanating from.

“WILL YOU STOP BUCKING SO LOUD!” I screamed through the door.

The banging intensified, then stopped.

I walked back down stairs and found Iron still scanning the town.

“What’s up with them?”
“They permamated.” He replied.

I faced hoofed. I couldn’t deal with this. I had to make sure I was going to get off scot free in the heat. I decided to follow Grassy’s lead. I flopped back into the recliner.

“Uh, wondrous.” Iron said, turning back to the window.

(Prospective: Iron Ore)

Free Writer was knocked out on his recliner, Grassy had drunk himself to sleep, and Marmalade and Pinkie were still bucking. I kneaded my brow with my hoof. Writer had made it seemed so planned out; it probably was, too. Then, Pinkie had shown up, effectively destroying said plan. I had lived in Ponyville my entire life, save the year in Manehatten. Writer had shown up when I was twelve, straight outta Filly. We started hanging out when we were both fourteen.

Why shouldn’t we? We were both mature for our ages, had a similar taste in music. We were also cynical metalheads with an extreme hatred of the melodrama that had been associated with our age. After finishing school, I had moved to Manehatten to pursue a career as an editor of a music magazine. Free Writer had stayed behind, studying the extreme amount of literature discovered in the castle of the Two Sisters by Twilight Sparkle. That’s how he knew Marmalade, they had been assigned to study and learn the magic. I think they had a third colleague but I had never met her.

I took one last scan and fell to sleep. I would need my rest.

> Part 3: Grassy's lust for happy hour
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY THREE

Part Three: Grassy’s lust for happy hour

(Perspective: Grasshopper)

“That can’t be right.” I muttered, rummaging through empty cider barrels.
“What?” Free Writer asked from the living room.
“We’re all out.” I said in disbelief.
“Wait a shit, what?!” he said, trotting into the kitchen with me.
“We drank it all.” I said.
“Great.” he said facehoofing. “ Grassy, your alcohol addiction is getting annoying.”
“What?” I said. “ You drank too.”
“Yeah, but not as much as you.” he replied indignantly.
“Do you have any idea what to do now?” I asked.

We had spent the down time for the last two days getting piss drunk. After all, most of the cable channels were down here since the majority of the broadcasting crew was female. I heard a banging sound and some moans from the upstairs.

“Hang on,” Writer muttered. “ I have an idea.”

We went upstairs to Writer's bedroom; the sound was emanating from there.

“They had to use my room.” he muttered, opening the door.

Pinkie was splayed out on the bed, covering herself with Marmalade, both the spread and the pony. Where did she even get that, anyway? I thought.

“Well,” Free said, a pained smile on his face. “ those sheets will never be clean again.”

He moved to the nightstand and produced a set of keys.

“Let’s see,” he said flipping through them. “ skin mags, emergency cash--ah, here it is, alcohol cabinet.”
“What?” I asked him.
“I’m breaking out the good stuff, dude--we’re gonna need it.” he answered.

We walked into the dining room, there was a large wooden cabinet. He slipped in the key and the lock clicked. He swung the doors open. Several small bottles sat on the shelves. He looked at me. We shared a devious smile and grabbed a bottle.

“Grey Pony.” I said, reading the label. 
“Prench vodka.” he said, taking a swig.
“I thought they did wine?” I said, lifting the bottle to my lips. It was amazing. “ I was wrong.”
“Yep.” he replied.
“Yep.” I said back.
"‘Wanna buck?” I asked.
“Yes, back room. Now.” He replied.
“Wait, no! I didn’t mean to say that, oh Goddesses!” I yelled quickly, covering my mouth with my hooves.
“Ah! I didn’t either!” He shouted.
“God dammit, Aaron, I said not to type on my shit.” The disembodied voice had returned.
“Fuck you, bitch, it’s my life.” Another replied, one that sounded a lot like me. But that couldn’t be true, I was here. The sound of fighting was the last thing I heard before it went silent.
“I’m afraid to ask.” I said finally.
“Yeah.” Free Writer said, taking another swig.

A FEW HOURS LATER

Free Writer and I had emptied the entire cabinet, and I was still thirsty. I walked to the window and squinted at Ponyville. There were females everywhere. After all, it was high point in the mating season. I saw something on the front lawn. No, it couldn’t be, could it? In the middle of the lawn was a large barrel of cider. I looked back at Iron Ore and Free Writer, and then at the cider. I wrote a note, telling them that I went outside to get it. I slipped out the door and towards the barrel of alcohol-filled goodness.

I hovered over the barrel. It was huge, like one of the brewery’s storage barrels. I popped the lid. There was nothing in there. I realized I had been tricked.

“Shit.” I muttered to myself as a blue aura encased my body.

Before I knew it, I was shoved into the barrel and the lid was placed back on top. I felt the barrel tip and begin to roll. I resisted the urge to vomit and closed my eyes.

Eventually, the rolling stopped and the lid was removed. I practically melted out of the barrel and looked up to face my foal knapper. Vinyl Scratch stood, gazing back at me through her sunglasses. I had fallen for their alcohol-laced trap.

“Hey there.” she said smiling.
“Why,” I gurgled, “ did you have to roll it?”
“Why not?” she shot back.
“This is all I have to say.” I said, feeling a rumbling in my stomach.

I let every single drop of vomit possible out and towards her. I felt the acidic taste of days of alcohol taking its revenge against my throat. I didn’t stop until almost every inch of her face was coated in it.

“Sorry,” I muttered sarcastically. “ Drunk.”

She left the room for a short time, pacing around the room. The door was locked, so there wasn’t much I could do. She came back in with a bottle of brandy,  eyeing me like a griffon would a slab of meat.

“Tell you what.” she said seductively. “ For every round we go, we each take a shot.”
“Deal.” I responded instantaneously.

(Prospective: Iron Ore)

I opened my eyes and looked around. Free Writer was passed out with a bottle of Grey Pony next to him. I found a note next on the table. It read:

Dear Douches,

I saw a barrel of cider looking pretty lonely, I’m not gonna save it for you guys.

-Grassy

I placed the note down and peered out the window. I couldn’t see a trace of Grasshopper anywhere. I shook Free Writer awake.

“No, ma, I don’t wanna do the dougie.” he slurred.
“Grassy’s gone.” I said.
“The buck?” he asked opening his eyes.
“Check the note.” I said
“Wow,” he said, reading the note. “ what an ass.”
“What do we do?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he replied. “ he wasn’t going to share. Why should we go after him?”
“But what if some mares find him?” I argued.
“We'd be bringing more dicks to the party.” he stated flatly.
“Fair point.” I conceded.
“He went out,” he continued. “ it isn’t our job to get him back. For now, let’s just get our rest, and hope he can make it back on his own.”

	(Perspective: Nurse Redheart)

Nurse Redheart strutted through the corridors of the Ponyville Clinic. It was mostly empty, as most of the patients had been dismissed before the season had begun. She was dreading the post season rush. In less than 2 days, she would be treating some odd--and no less, embarrassing--wounds. She smiled to herself, I may as well have my fun while I can. She made her way into a supply closet. 

“Ah, here it is,” she smiled to herself. “ the Milkamatic 2000.”

She tucked the small device into a saddle bag.

“Hey, Nurse Redheart.” a mare’s voice said from outside.
“Oh, hey.” she replied nonchalantly.
“I heard there were a bunch of stallions holed up in Free Writer’s house.” she reported.
“Oh, really?” she said licking her lips. “ Where’d you come by that juicy little rumor?”
“Vinyl caught one of them coming out of his house.” she replied.
“Oh, did she?” she sighed. “ Good for her, how many more are up there?”
“Three, at least.” the mare answered.
“Oh, that is delightful!” Redheart mused.
“Hey!” the other snapped. “ One is mine, and I don’t want you getting in my way.”
“What?” she said. “ Are you going to check every closet in town? You know Free loves those.”
“If I must,” she sighed. “ but I’m playing for keeps. You can have everyone but him.”
“Fair enough.” Redheart agreed. “ I’ll get the girls together.”

> Part 4, part 1: The Horde
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY FOUR

Part Four, Part 1: The horde.

(Perspective: Free Writer)

I stepped into the kitchen with Marmalade, who was currently taking a break from bucking. He looked worse than I did. That was saying something, considering that I hadn’t bathed, shaved, and had done nothing but drink for four days. He was splattered with dirt and several other bodily fluids. He smelled like sweat and dirt mixed with cotton candy. I have a feeling who the cotton candy smell is from, I thought.

“So, how are you handling the whole permamated thing?” I asked him as he drank a glass of water.
“It’s not that bad.” he replied. “ Maybe Pinkie will add some spice to my life.”
“Fair enough, but we really need showers.” I replied.
“True, you have a stubble beard going.” he said as we left the kitchen and went upstairs.

My face did indeed feel quite scratchy. Iron Ore was standing outside the bathroom with a towel. Pinkie was inside showering. She was singing something about bikinis and daisy dukes, whatever those were. Next went Marmalade, as he was suffocating us with his stench. Then Iron Ore went; by the time it was my turn, the hot water was gone.

So I stood there, being sprayed with icy water. Sure, I could use my magic to heat some up, but I was funneling most of my energy into keeping the shields around the house up. I dried off and began to shave. I was almost done when I heard a banging, then Iron Ore burst through the door. I looked at him with a stubbly goatee.

“Dude, we have a problem.” he said.
“What?” I asked, about to make another pass with the razer.
“Mares,” he said, “ lots of them, maybe even all of them.”
“Relax.” I told him. “ I put up a magical barrier for the unicorns and barred off the windows for the rest.”
“What if they know how to take the barrier down?” he asked.
“I doubt that will happen.” I said, laughing. “ It’s a spell I developed with Marmalade using our research material from work.”
“So you're sure it will hold them?”
“Well,” I said. “ not all of them, the spell is useless on pegasi and earth ponies. That’s why I had to reinforce the windows.
“Still, you should check it out.”
“Ugh, fine.” I said, putting down the razor and rubbing my temporary goatee.

We walked back down the stairs, Pinkie was in the kitchen making cupcakes. Wait a minute, cupcakes? When did I get the materials for cupcakes? I was then drawn to the more pressing matter of the mares trying to bang down the door. The barrier was stopping unicorns from doing any damage with their magic, but they were still trying. The shield was glimmering in its full majesty now. A blanket of my magic was covering the house. It was even reflecting the other mares’ magic.	
“That’s new.” I said, turning to Iron Ore. “ The shield is working better than I imagined.”
“I dunno,” he said. “ I still don’t like that the other mares are still beating down the doors and windows.”
“I could have strengthened it against that.” I agreed. “ However, it would have taken much longer. I started the barrier three months ago, it would have taken five for that effect.”
“Why didn’t you start it then?” he questioned.
“Simple, really,” Marmalade said walking into the room with cupcakes. “ the spell was still under development. If Free had progressed it to its final form, it would prevent anyone from coming in or using magic within the barrier.

“You see, Iron, we combined Shining Armor’s spell from the changeling invasion. Then we amplified it with Starswirl the Bearded's research on magic nullifying. Then we added our own implement, the passive factor. That’s why you didn’t see it when you got here. As long as the shield isn’t in use like this, it will become invisible.”
“Yep,” I said, munching on a cupcake. “ We already have the step by step guide on how to make it written; after the season is over, we’ll release it to the public. It’s gonna be sweet.”

It really would have been, too. Then I realised I was shit at welding; the bars started groaning against their horny attackers. I heard a dull thud as a bar gave way. Then, to make matters worse, the shield started to fade. How is that possible? I thought. Marmalade looked at me. Then we realised the only one besides us that knew how to take down the spell was her.

> Part 4, part 2: The Tunnel
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 4, Part 2: In the tunnel.

(Prospective: Iron Ore)

“Oh. Shit. No.” Free Writer muttered.
“What?” I asked.
“We need to leave,” he said, turning to the window. “ this place isn’t secure.”
“Marmalade,” he called. “ can you and Pinkie do us a favor?”
“Sure, what is it?” he asked.
“I need you two to stay here.” he requested. “ You’re permamated, so you’ll be fine when they get in. Can you please stall them? Give us more time to put some distance between us and here?”
“Well, I guess, but are you sure we couldn’t just put the shielding back up?” he asked. “There are two of us, after all.”
“No,” Free replied. “ if we put it back up she’ll just take it down. I’ll take Iron back to work, maybe she won’t check there.”

It sounded to me like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone else. I grabbed the binoculars and scanned the hill, past the mares. Sure enough,  there were two figures standing behind the crowd. I handed them to Free, who took his respective look and went into the kitchen.Then, to Marmalade.

“Yeah,” he said, looking through them. “ it’s got to be her. Looks like Redheart’s with her.”
“Why is Free freaking out so much?” I asked. “ He usually isn’t like that.”
“It’s complicated,” Marmalade said, stopping his scan to look at me. “ for more than one reason. You see, Iron, that’s-”

More of the bars were collapsing now. Marmalade stood in front of the window, blocking me from the mare’s view.

“Well,” he said. “ you guys should go.”
“Ow,” he shouted as they started pulling him by the mane. “ not sure how long I’m gonna be able to keep this up.”

Free Writer pulled me into the kitchen. He walked over to one of the walls, and started pushing the oven away from it.

“Help me with this.” he said, straining against its weight.
“Sure” I said helping him to push it. “ but why?”
“I have a way out under here.” he said, as the oven shifted to reveal a pony sized trapdoor. “ Follow me.”

He opened it to reveal a ladder going into darkness. He started to climb down, slowly disappearing down into the passage.

“Hey, Pinkie.” he called up.
“Yes?” she asked, appearing next to me.
“Push the oven back over us when we go down.” he told her.
“Okey dokey lokie.” she said, bouncing next to the oven.

Here goes nothing, I thought as I started to descend into the passage. Once I was down, Pinkie shut the trapdoor, and I heard the oven swiftly being pushed back over it.

“Wait,” I said. “ how did she do that so fast?”
“‘Cause she's Pinkie, you should know this, Iron Ore” a different disembodied voice said.
“Yeah,” the one from before said. “ it’s not like a wimp like Marmalade could have done it.”
“Hey,” a third said. “ can we have them buck?”
“No, Aaron,” the second said. “ they’re both straight. I thought we went over this.”
“Asshole,” the voice known as Aaron replied. “ You never let me enact my fantasies.”
“That’s because your fantasies are stupid!” the second said.
“Yeah, Aaron, what the fuck man, they're both straight!” the first voice said before they slowly fade away. 

After a few seconds of descent, we started talking.

“How many times have we seen them now?” I asked Free Writer.
“Three times,” he said. “ apparently, they control what we say.”
“That’s really weird.” I concluded. “ Also, when did you get this made?”

The ladder had ended, and Free Writer made a small light at the tip of his horn.  The small light source revealed a long tunnel leading away from the house and the ladder.

“I had it just after the last mating season.” he explained. “ I finished it just after I started developing the spell with Marmalade. It took a good chunk of my bits, I had to go into the research fund to get it completed.”
“Isn’t that illegal?” I said.
“I prefer to look at it as a failsafe for the spell’s test.” he said. “ Also, no one has to know. It’s going to get us away from the mares, and that makes every bit worth it.”
“Fair enough.” I said, the tunnel was starting to get brighter.

We emerged from the tunnel to into a forest. It was mossy. I turned to face the tunnel’s exit. There was even more moss beginning to grow there. Sunlight filtered through the trees onto the ground below and a small brook flowed near us. I took a deep breath of the crisp clean air. Free Writer had sat down a bigger moss covered rock.

“This is one of my favorite places to come and think.” he said, turning skyward to look at the trees.
“Where are we?” I asked, sitting next to him.
“Oh, this is near the Everfree forest.” he said.
“When did you find this place?” I asked him. “ It looks like not too many ponies know about it.”
“Well, that’s because we’re in the middle of the Everfree forest.” he replied.
“What?!” I turned around. I whispered to him. “ Don’t you know all sorts of nasties live here? Manticores, timber wolves, and maybe even a bat pony or two.”
“Well, let's hurry,” he whispered back. “ the sooner we get to the Castle of the Two Sisters, the better.”
“Fine,” I said. “ one more day to go.”

We started trotting to the castle of the two sisters.

> Part 4, part 3: Grassy's Mad Dash
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day 4, Part 3: Grassy’s mad dash.
(Perspective: Grasshopper)

I opened my eyes, and the never ending headache began anew. I was in a bed, or at least I thought I was. I turned to see a sleeping Vinyl Scratch. I sniffed her breath. That wonderful, beautiful, telltale scent of alcohol graced my nostrils. I looked at the floor around the bed. At least five empty bottles of brandy were spread across the room. I slipped out of the bed, careful not to wake her. She gives me alcohol and sex, I thought, gonna have to come back here. I opened up the shutters on a window and flew out. The street was completely devoid of any ponies. I landed on a rooftop and looked around. This isn’t right, I thought, there should be somepony out here. I took off again, this time heading to Free’s house. I could at least find someone there. I broke above the cloud barrier, landing on them and creeping above Free’s house. There were mares all spread out across the base of the hill. I slowly backed away. I wasn’t about to risk being found by what looked to be most of the town’s single mares. I flew towards the only place that Free ever went besides his house: his workplace, the Castle of the Two Sisters.

The fly there wasn’t too bad. I bucked a couple of clouds on the way to get my senses back in order. I crept above the clouds, trying not to alert anypony to my presence. I hope Free and the others made it out alright, I thought as I peeked over the edge of the cloud bank. What I saw below me would scar my life for the rest of my days. It was Nurse Redheart. She was walking calmly through the street, a whimpering stallion dragging behind her. Something was strapped to her barrel. It must have made a hay of a racket, because I could hear it rumbling from the clouds. Then suddenly the rumbling increased tenfold. 

“Ohhhhhh yesssss!” she shrieked above the rumble. “ I knew the 3000 model was worth the extra five hundred bits.”

Goddesses, I thought, five hundred extra bits. Celestia, Redheart likes expensive toys. Then, she brought a hose out of the machine, and inserted it into the stallion’s mouth. She flicked a switch and a liquid began pumping into the hose and into the stallion's mouth. They started bucking almost immediately after, out of the blue. I resisted the urge to throw up the alcohol I had recently ingested. I looked away and continued my trek across the clouds to the castle of the Two Sisters.

I finally reached the Everfree forest. This was one of the few places near Ponyville I hung out near more than the bar. I was assigned to kick clouds near this area, preventing them from going rogue above the forest. I leapt off the clouds and plunged into the trees. I made my way through the forest flying just below the foliage. I didn’t trust Free’s word on this place. If I were desperate, I would risk it to go in here, I thought. I flew across the gorge that lead to the castle. I hope they didn’t get into much trouble without me, I thought. I landed quietly inside the castle, descending through one of the castle's gaping holes. Slowly making my way to the library, the castle became less dilapidated. I entered the library, there were books scattered on tables; notes were piled in between them. I walked further into the room, looking at the covers of the books. Some of the titles included, Advanced Theorem of Shielding, Magic Nullification, and A Mare’s Guide to Finding a Mate. Wait, what? I thought, this must be her’s. Suddenly a hoof tapped my barrel.

“Um, you didn’t let any of them follow you, did you?” A male voice asked behind me.
“No,” I said turning to the pony behind me. “ Who are you, anyways?
“Oh, my name’s Page Turner.” he said, standing back. “ I was sent from Manehatten to look for a pony by the name of Iron Ore. You wouldn’t happen to know him?”
“Yeah, I do, actually.” I answered him. “ He’ll be here any minute with another friend.”
“Ah, good.” Page said, he started rubbing something in his saddlebags.
“So do we wait?” I asked.
“Yeah, I guess we do.” he replied.

We sat on some unused benches and began to wait. Free Writer and Iron Ore got to the library about a half hour later. They collapsed on the benches next to us.

“So,” Free asked. “ who’s the new guy?”
“Oh,” I said. “ that’s Page, he says he was looking for Iron.”
“Hey, Page,” Iron spoke up from further down the bench. “ how’re things at the office?”
“Alright,” he shrugged. “ the boss sent me to look for you. Neglected to tell me that you were in a town this rural. I ended up in fleeing into the forest from the mares.”
“Hhmm,” Iron nodded. “ I guess we’re gonna have him on our tails when we get back. Oh well, this was a pretty eventful vacation.”
“Amen to that.” I agreed.
“I can second that.” Free agreed. “Well, we may as well get some sleep; the last day is tomorrow.”
> Part 5: Free is so Bucked
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part 5: Free is so bucked.

Day Five

(Prospective: Free Writer)

I blinked open my eyes, midmorning sunlight was filtering through the few hole we hadn't patched in the lab. I got up from a cot we had set up from the supply closet. The Iron and the new guy were talking in near one of the lab benches, I decided to make myself of use and start the coffee. I went into Marmalade’s lab station and rummaged through it until I found the coffee beans. I found the old coffee machine we kept in the back for times like this.

The coffee machine was old, it broke about a week into regular use here. The heating pan had shorted out and since the budget was tight that month we had used a bunsen burner instead. The slag it produced was terrible, but it was the caffeine in it that mattered. I brewed myself a cup and went over to Iron and was it Page? Yeah. 

“Oh hey,” Page said. “ what’s up.”
“Not much.” I said, taking a gulp of the “coffee”.
“It that coffee?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I said.
“Lemme get some of that.” he said taking the cup.
“You might not like it.” I snickered.
“Relax.” he dismissed, knocking it back. “Ugh what is this? It tastes so bad.”
“Coffee brewed with a bunsen burner.” I answered. “What are you guys talking about anyways?”
“Page was telling me what’s going on in Manehattan.” Iron said.
“How are things going up there?” I asked.
“My bosses are went near crazy looking for me after I stayed past my off days.” He said.
“Yeah, they sent me to come find him.” Page said.
“Why did it take you so long?” I asked.
“Well,” he sighed. “ I got off at Canterlot, they closed the railways down here. Then, I walked all the way to the edge of Ponyville, only to be chased into the forest by a bunch of mares.”
“Yeah, we’re on our own out here.” I said.
“Actually, that brings up a good point.” Iron mused. “ I’m gonna need to borrow Free for a second Page.”
“Okay.” He said, turning to the lab stations. “ Can I touch any of these?”
“No.” I said walking away.

I sat down near the edge of the room. Iron slumped down next to me.

“So back in the house, Marmalade started to tell me something.” he began. “ He said something about you guys having a third lab partner.”
“Well yeah.” I shrugged. “ You know her. I kinda figured you already knew that she worked with us.”
“Wait I know her?” he asked.
“Yeah remember Sandy Storms?” I asked. “ she hung out with us in school for a bit?”
“No.” he groaned. “ I guess we’re getting older huh? I think I have too much stress to deal with up in Manehattan.”
“Fine.” I laughed. “ Sandy was placed on our research team a month after it was created. I hang out with her and Marmalade all the time. We do scrabble on Tuesdays. She usually stays after to clean up too.”
“Wow.” he said. “ Is she into you?”
“That’s the thing.” I huffed. “ I can’t tell. She hung out with us in school and works with me and I still can’t tell.”
“Why not.” he asked.
“It’s always been this way.” I rubbed my temples with the flats of my hooves. “ I’ve never been able to understand mares. Maybe that’s why I’m so paranoid about this time of year? Maybe it’s because I’m scared out of my wits because of either outcome.”
“What do you mean?” he asked. “ I don’t like this part of year just as much as you. What are you scared about anyway?”
“Well,” I breathed. “ I guess I’m just stressed. I mean, we’ve known each other as friends for two years. After she started working with us, I started to wonder if maybe she did. Then, then I think I started liking her. And it scared me out of my wits.”
“So you’re scared of romantic feelings.” he asked.
“It’s something I’ve always had trouble understanding them.” I said. “ Well, those and bee’s, I buckin hate bees.”
“Dude,” he laughed. “ bees really? They do a bunch of pollination and crap.”
“You’re scared of heights.” I shot back.
“There unnatural for earth ponies to like.” he said.
“Anyways,” I said. “ yes she was the only mare who could possibly figure out how to bring down the shield.”
“What about Princess Twilight.” he asked.
“She’s from Canterlot, and she’s an alicorn.” I said. “ I don’t think they are affected by it.”
“Good point.” he said.
“But it doesn’t matter anymore.” I groaned. “ This is all futile. I mean, this is going to be one of the next places that Sandy will check. I guess I finally got out foxed this year.”
“Well you went two years.” he pointed out.
“Wait, I can do something.” I said, an idea forming in my head. “ Yes, yes of course. I could at least get them out.”
“What?” Iron asked.
“I have to check on something, I’ll be back.” I said getting up.

I ran through the castle. Come on, I thought, central causeway, third hallway, fifth door on the right. The room itself was in shambles, but that wasn’t what mattered. On the left side of the room the wall was completely demolished, leading back into the everfree forest. We can go this way, I concluded.

I sprinted up to the lab.

“Somepony wake up Grassy.” I said.

“What’s up.” Page asked.
“They’ll be here soon.” I said grimly.
“Who?” he asked.
“Sandy and her posse.” I confirmed.
“What? she’s coming here?” Iron asked.
“Definitely,” I said. “ but I might be able to get you out.”
“Wait, wait one bucking second.” Grassy slurred from his cot. “ You’re phrasing, you make it seem like you won’t be leaving with us.”
“Well….” I sighed. “ I’m not. If I go with you than Sandy will just keep following. We can’t have that, now can we? Maybe if I stay, than at least you guys can escape.”
“No,” Iron said. “ there has to be a better way.”
“There isn’t I would be doing that right now if there was.” I laughed.
“Fine.” he said. “ We’ll meet up tomorrow at the trainstation.”
“I’ll see you there.” I said, hoof bumping him.

We walked to the room. Grassy was stumbling ahead of us, in a constant battle with gravity and the alcohol in his system.

“You should put as much distance between this place and you as fast as you can.” I suggested as they climbed down the rubble.

Then there was a whirring noise. Something shot from behind me and pulled Page back into the castle.

“Run!” I shouted as a magical glow enveloped me.

From its color I could tell whose it was.

“Hi Sandy.” I said through the aura.
“Hi Free.” she said, the lust practically dripping from her voice.
“Any chance I’m not going to get bucked?” I asked.
“Nope.” she chirped.
“Well, there goes two years of hiding.” I sighed.
“Thus, two years of searching finally pays off” she cooed.
“Wait you’ve been trying to buck me for two years?” I asked.
“Yeah, and now I finally caught you.” she laughed.
“Well, I guess you win.” I sighed. “ Oh well, I had a good run. I never imagined it would be you though.”
“Oh really.” she smirked, pulling me into a closet. “ Let’s see what you imagine after we’re done.”

> Part 6: The End
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Part Six: The end. 

Day Six

(Prospective: Iron Ore)

I was cold, tired, and hungry. Then again, a night in the Everfree forest could do that to you. Grassy was following behind me, we were almost to the train station. Free would meet up with us there, hopefully he would bring Page as well. He had never finished giving me the important message from the boss at the paper.

We stumbled onto the train station's platform. Free and Page where already there, so was Nurse Redheart and Sandy Storms. Sandy waved us over cheerfully, while Free was the exemplar of a someone with a perfected poker face. Page had bags under his eyes, and so did Nurse Redheart. 

“Hi Iron it’s been a while!” Sandy said cheerily. 
“Hi Sandy.” I yawned; it had been an uncomfortable night for me. “ I guess me and Page should be on our way, the next train should be coming soon.”
“Actually,” Page said. “That’s the message, the boss wants us to start an office in Ponyville.”
“That’s great!” Free said. “ You can stay with me and Sandy until you find a place.”
“Wait,” Grassy said. “What about me? Where am I supposed to go?” he asked.

Free walked over to him slowly, then took his hoof.

“You can stay at my place anytime you like.” he said seductively.

Their heads came close together, they closed their eyes and finally locked themselves in a passionate kiss that seemed to last forever.

“I love you Grassy.” Free said.
“I love you too.” Grassy said.

Grassy turned around and lifted his tail, then Free hopped on him and proceeded to-

“Aaaahh! Aaaah don’t put it in there!” Grassy cried.
“Aaaahh what the fuck!” Free screamed, he shoved Grassy away from him and turned around breathing heavy.
“What the fuck was that!?” Grassy yelled. He looked to me and the others to see that we were very confused as to what the hell was happening.

“Aaron, for fuck’s sake!”

“What was that?” Page asked.

“Oh shit, the voice is back.” Free said.

“Jesus, you couldn’t just wait one more fucking chapter couldn’t you!?” the voice shouted in anger.

“Hey fuck off Cole, I add spice to this shit you nub.” the second voice, Aaron replied.

“What is even happening!?” Nurse redheart cried, looking scared out of her mind.
“Just go with it, this shit always happens.” I told her.

“This isn’t spice you tool, it’s very unfitting and stupid! I’m just trying to write the final chapter to this thing. So if you want to help, can you try not to make them fuck each other, please?!” Cole shouted.
“Fine fine fine.” Aaron said. “But I expect something good.” he said. Slurping could be heard in the distance clearly until it faded away.

“Can somepony explain what the hell just happened?” Sandy asked. Everypony was completely silent for a moment.
“Don’t even question it. Probably for the best if none of us know.” I said.
“I need a drink.” Grassy breathed.
“Me too.” I said.
“We probably could scrounge something up from my house.” Free said.
“Yeah,” Sandy said. “besides, who’s going to clean up Marmalade’s and Pinky’s mess.”
“Probably me.” Free groaned. “ Well let’s go.”

They walked out of Ponyville as the birds began to sing. The residents all over town began to open their shutters and breath in the fresh mid morning air. It was a new day in Ponyville, and a new group of friends set out to make the most of it.

The End