Louis Armstrong
It was a nice warm day in Equestria, the sunlight gently passing through the leaves at Sweet Apple Acres. The chirping of birds and horrible pony screams were heard throughout the orchard. Within the red barn the two siblings, Applejack and Big Mac worked diligently at the family business.
"Yaargh!!! Applejack! Couldn't yar torture him a bit quieter?" asked Big Mac, the resident pony pirate.
"Sorry, Big Mac. These tools here have gained a touch of rust since last we used em," said Applejack, "I always preferred cutting these poor chaps nice an' clean, with quality surgical tools."
"Yaargh! Then why ain't ya, Applejack?"
"The Ponyville Hospital ran out! I think those those three psychotic little fillies stole them. Heaven knows what they're planning."
"Yaargh! Surely we could find other instruments to torture this scalawag!" Big Mac gestured to the young cow, who was currently passed out and covered in blood.
Applejack's eyes lit up, "I know just the pony!"
XXXX
"Oi! Twilight! Remember that debt you owe me?" Applejack burst into the library.
"Oh sure, Applejack. But I only have a little more to work off! You needn't, er, convince me or anything!" said Twilight.
"Well if you can do me a favor, consider your debt paid!" Applejack dumped a body bag on the floor. Inside were muffled groans and sobs.
"That's not a pony is it? I mean a cow or Rainbow Dash is fine, but torturing a pony? I won't do it!"
"Relax Twilight. It is a cow, part of their gang. We need some information from him on the raid they're planning on the Oranges in Manehatten. The Oranges are partners of ours, and we need to protect our investment," Applejack explained.
"Oh, alright then. I don't really know any torture spells, but maybe-" Twilight lit up her horn, "-this will do!"
The cow on the ground stopped groaning and began giggling uncontrollably,"No! NO! Please stop! It tickles it tickles it tickles!"
"Twilight! Is that a tickle spell? We already tried that, he's unbreakable!" Applejack said.
"Oh," said Twilight, stopping the spell, "Well maybe one of the others can help!"
XXXX
"Say, why'd ya call us all here again, bru? asked Pinkie.
"Applejack needs our help!" responded Twilight.
"Well, why didn't ya say so, yah big lavender arse!" said Rarity, "We better go help her!"
Background music began to play, "A true true friend helps a friend in need! A friend will-"
"Wait!" said Pinkie, "We're really just gonna help her cuz she's a 'friend'? I wanna get paid!!"
"Well, you all owe me money, so ya will be helping me whether ya want to or not!" Applejack emerged from upstairs, "Now, there's a cow upstairs who has a name, a name we need to know. We've tried everything we know so far, but he's not breaking! We need to come up with some torture ideas!"
"I've already used my tickle spell, so that's out, too," said Twilight.
"Have you tried burning him alive with Spike's fire?" asked Fluttershy.
"Oh, yeah, we've done that. I expect Princess Celestia will be receiving a small amount of steak today."
"Well, why don't you just, like, drown him or something?" said Rainbow Dash.
"I told you, we've tried all that stuff! Waterboarding just doesn't work! Something new and especially heinous is what we're looking for!"
"Well ya can't have tried everything, mate! You used surgical tools yet?" asked Rarity.
"We did try, but there was a bit too much rust on em."
"Don't worry, I got some at my place," Rarity said, "I raided the hospital earlier."
"Wait, that was you?"
"Yeah, who'd you think it was?"
"Well I was kinda hoping Pinkie would have them. Sorta a Cupcakes reference, right?"
"Oh hell no! I hated that fic! They didn't capture my true sexiness!" Pinkie chimed in.
"Well it wasn't a fic in this show, it was another Alternate Universe," explained Twilight.
"Hmm, I guess that makes sense then."
"Alright, well....I think the moral of this one is to always share!" Twilight said.
"I was thinking self-harm always solves everything," Rarity said.
"And I was thinking to never let your torture tools rust," said Applejack.
"Nelson Mandela!" said Fluttershy.
XXXX
All of the most psychotic ponies in town were having a picnic together. Applejack was telling the story of the successful massacre of the cow gang in Manehatten, as a result of the information gained from the cow they talked to.
"...and then the Oranges burst in! You know fir a badminton family, they have a very good shot." Applejack sipped from her tea.
"Why that was a riveting story Applejack. Very bloody and entertaining." said Twilight.
"Bloody entertaining is right, bru! It was epic!" said Pinkie, "Almost as good as Lord of the Rings!"
"Well, I just know that I think the massacre of lesser races is always a good thing, savvy?" said Rarity, "I mean if we just let em breed without population control, the whole town would be full of Zecoras!"
"And I know I don't want that," said Applejack.
"Yeah, I know that all that racist stuff is like, totally justified. Celestia even said so," Rainbow said.
"Well I know that they work really hard on the rock farm. No pay necessary," said Pinkie.
"And I know that we're all really good friends!" said Twilight, trying to steer away from racism.
"Cept for you Rainbow Dash, screw you," said Rarity.
"Barack Obama!" said Fluttershy.