> Autumn Leaves
>  by Drax99
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> *Horsenoises*
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

As we walked along, the falling leaves tugged at my hair. It was growing longer, and I would soon need to find a barber to tame it for me. The golds and sunset shades set off the grey coat and golden mane of my companion, as she leaned into me, and I gently ran a hand along her neck to dislodge a few stray leaves. As she smiled up at me, my heart filled to bursting with the happiness found in her mismatched, golden eyes and infectious smile. Life was good.

The day was made even more perfect by the scenery. This was the last day to enjoy the riot of color in all it’s glory. Tomorrow, the annual running of the leaves would strip the trees of their mantles, and prepare the woods for its winter hibernation. Sure, the ground would still be cloaked in golds and browns, but it wasn't the same as seeing it above and around you.

The air was crisp and pure, the sky was a stunning azure never seen in my old world, and the breeze tickled just enough to make us snuggle closer to share warmth. If at any time in my old life you mentioned having a relationship with a horse, I would have called you a sick pervert, and probably called the authorities. I may have even written an article about it, and made some money off the public humiliation. But that was my old life, and I think I am getting ahead of myself.





I remember the smell of the sea more than anything. It’s a clean, pure smell of salt and wind that you only get when out on open water. none of that fishy, oily smell of the shore, or the rotting smell of garbage and decay. This was something entirely different. I was on a sailing trip, out in deep water. I go by the pen name Writersaurus, or Saur to my internet friends, and I write little slice of life stories for papers, both online and in print. My real name doesn't matter. I left that behind with my old life. I had just gotten picked up for syndication, and decided to finally take my overdue vacation to celebrate. I had saved for five years for this trip to the caribbean, and I figured I could earn a little extra cash while here by writing a nice little fluff piece on the Bermuda Triangle.

Nobody really believes in that stuff, not today, with modern GPS and satellite imaging. Aside from the occasional storm, very few ships or planes go missing for long these days, and it’s only the mystique of the legend that keeps it alive. For me, it was a day out sailing, and an extra paycheck.

Despite this mindset, I was not at all surprised when the GPS suddenly died on me, and my compass started spinning. I had read about dead zones, and a dozen scientific explanations on what caused them. Methane gas emissions, solar flares, even polar shifts causing changes in the earth’s crust as the ocean floor spread apart. I didn't even get worried when the wind died. I had a backup motor and plenty of fuel, and the sun was a ready guide to follow home.

Right up until it disappeared.

One moment it was nearly noon, with the sun bright overhead, and the next it dropped like a rock and I was plunged into darkness. My eyes were still adjusting to the sudden lack of light, and even the full moon that was overhead failed to let me see my hand before me. I was just starting to get my bearings, when I heard the wind pick up, and the sound of a sudden storm approaching. As I turned to see how bad it was, my blood ran cold as a wall of darkness rapidly closed in on my position. The stars that were twinkling in the sky were being swallowed up by an inky blackness as something made it’s way across the water. All I had time to do was brace myself before it hit, and pray it wasn't a wave. I never did get to find out, however, since I blacked out before it ever hit me.





Waking up in a strange place wasn't new to me. I’ve have more than my share of wild parties, and woken up next to someone I couldn't remember, or in a position I couldn't have possibly fallen asleep in without some chemical assistance. Oh man, the college stories I could tell you.

However, this was the first time I woke up on a boat, surrounded by trees. I crawled to my feet, which were bare, and shivered as the cool breeze brushed my bare back. I still had my trunks on, but the warm tropical wind had been replaced by something far less hospitable. The shade from the trees overhead did little to let the warm sun through, and I quickly scrambled for a shirt. Sandals and a hat joined my ensemble, and then i set about better learning my surroundings.

What I found scared the hell out of me. Gone was the open ocean, tropical breezes, and sunny sky. My boat, a small twin-hulled catamaran was now about fifty feet above the ground, lodge in the branches of a massive tree. Below me the ground was littered with leaves, and the occasional shrub that struggled to thrive in the space sunlight that made its way to the forest floor. I had spent enough time traveling to recognize that this was no tropical island jungle, but rather an old growth forest, similar to those found in northwestern america. I was definitely not in Kansas anymore.

A quick stock of my supplies found some food, a first aid kit, and bottled water all still secure. Oddly enough my beer and other alcohol were all missing. Gone as well were my GPS, Phone, and radio, along with my laptop and other electronics. Thankfully my clothes were intact, although with the cooler climate, I wasn't sure how much protection they would provide. Secure in the fact that the boat seemed firmly lodge in place, I decided it was a good time to explore. A quick rope climb down, and I was on the ground. Pack on my back filled with supplies, I took stock of my surroundings.

What hit me first was the smell. Earth, loam, wet wood and leaves. This was a very old forest indeed, judging by the size of the massive trees. Few places, protected or not, could tout such old growth, as progress and human expansion had touched almost every corner of the globe at some point in the last hundred years. The ground beneath me was spongy and covered in leaves, and I could see years of undisturbed litter in the form of fallen branches and bark. Next I took in the sounds. There was no distant rumble of freeways, or hiss of planes overhead. Instead I heard the creaks and snaps of the swaying forest, as well as the crunch and shuffle of creatures living beneath the canopy. Occasional birdsong could be heard, strange and musical to my ears, as well as the odd caw or growl of larger creatures.

I had absolutely no idea where I was, and I loved it. Memories of hiking and camping trips through the Adirondacks as a kid brought a smile to my lips, and I breathed in the damp, musty air. Pulling out a knife, I made a blaze on the side of the tree I had just descended, not that you could miss the large white boat in it’s branches. It paid to be prepared, however, and this was not my first hike in the woods. Was I scared of being in a strange new world? Hell no. Should I have been? As it turns out, yes. I should have been very afraid.





After about an hour or two of walking, being sure to leave blaze marks as I went, I started to notice a change in the forest. The trees were still huge, but not quite as large as before. Game trails appeared, and I followed a few of them until they ended, but never actually saw anything larger than a bird or squirrel. Finally I stumble upon an actual path of sorts, with occasional stones that indicated it may have been a road once, long ago. The sky parted a bit to reveal a pristine blue sky, and not a single cloud in sight. I stopped a moment to wonder at the beauty of the clear sky, leaning on a walking stick I fashioned from a conveniently fallen branch. That’s when I heard the scream.

Bolting in the direction of the sound, I fought my way through the underbrush along the path and deeper into the woods. The sound of a small child crying drove me on, and I ignored the thorns and other pains to get to my target. Finally the way cleared, and I stumbled into a small clearing, just in time to see a truly strange sight. What looked like a giant brown and green bush was advancing on a small animal, cowering against a tree. The critter looked to be some sort of pastel purple deer or some sort of animated toy. It was all round and soft looking, with huge anime eyes, and a stubby horn on it’s head. The head and tail were a contrasting yellow, matching it’s eyes. Nothing that small should have eyes that big. 

Suddenly the bush thing growled, and lunged forward, causing the purple creature to scream, and I realized that what I thought was a child was nothing more than a cornered animal. I have spent enough time in the wild, and talked to enough native trackers to know that you do not interfere with a predator, or a mother, unless you want to become prey yourself. I began to slowly back away from the scene, my heart heavy, but wary of being attacked by what looked to be a rather large predator. The creature was easily my size, and I couldn't make out it’s mass under the covering of branches, but it looked pretty solid.

And then the little creature cried out again, this time in english.

“Please, somepony help me!”

I froze, half turned around and blinked, realizing that the little purple creature had talked. It wasn't just an animal, and my original guess was right. It was a child.

In a flash I reversed course, spinning my staff and swigging it at what I guessed to be the head of the beast. Granted, I only had some basic self defense classes, and far too many kung-fu movies as training, but I at least got it’s attention. Oh, and now it was pissed.

Before I could react, the creature whirled on me, knocking me on my back. I barely managed to get the walking stick up in time to block it’s lunge for my face. Getting a good look at the creature, I gasped in shock as I realized that it wasn't just covered in sticks and leaves, it was made of the stuff. Fortunately my shock wore off quick enough to realize something else; It was also as light as the bundle of sticks and leaves it appeared to be.

Now let me take a quick moment to go on a bit of a tangent here. I have watched many horror films over the years, and there was always one thing that annoyed me about Hollywood. Whenever a small creature attacked, it managed to not only knock the victim to the ground, but hold him there as he fought futilely. I always told myself that if a little gremlin, doll or other thing attacked me, I would just toss it like the little toy it was. What sense was there in being afraid of something you can punt like a football?

And that’s exactly what I did. I launched that twiggy bastard across the clearing, sending it smashing against a tree, and shattering into bits. As I scrambled to my feet, groaning at the bruises I would no doubt have, and I looked at the creature I had saved. It stood wide eyed in fear, like the proverbial deer in headlights. I smiled, trying to seem friendly, before remembering that to most creatures, baring teeth was a threat. Taking a step forward caused it to scream again, cowering in fear.

“It’s okay fella, I’m not gonna hurt you.” I tried my best soothing voice. The creature visibly relaxed at my words, before his eyes grew wide again.

“Look out!” It was only a moment’s warning before I was knocked to the ground again. The creature screamed once again as hot, fetid breath warmed the back of my neck, and growling alerted me to the return of the plant creature, or another like it.

I felt my pack being savaged, as the beast tore into it, trying to get at something vital. I managed to pop the release on the straps, and worm my way out, rolling away. The monster spent a moment shaking the pack like a dead rabbit, before it noticed I was getting to my feet, and it tossed the pack aside. I still wasn't sure if it was the same creature, or an identical one, but it sure looked the same as it started to stalk around me in a circle, much like a wolf trying to circle it’s prey.

Slowly I squatted down, retrieving my walking stick, keeping eye contact the entire time. If this thing was like the wolf it resembled, it may not scare off by a display of bravado like a cat, but a good thump to the nose may scare it off. Wolves were opportunistic hunters, and tended to steer clear of prey that fought back, unless they had backup. At least it wasn't a bear. They just get pissed if you hit them.

In a flash, it made it’s move, and I made mine. The makeshift staff once again made contact, but since I aimed for it’s center of mass instead of it’s head, it shattered to pieces as my weapon swung through the surprisingly light target. I whooped in victory as the creature flew apart, scattering across the clearing. Turning back, I smiled, lips closed this time, at the little creature I had saved, but paused as I noticed he was still looking past me.

“Oh, for fucks sake!” I yelled as I noticed the scattered sticks and leaves were now crawling across the ground, reassembling themselves into the same wolven creature.

“Okay, that’s it!” I yelled, diving for my pack. I unzipped it, noticing the large tears from the last attack, and pulled out my new weapon of choice. Nobody with any experience goes sailing without a flare gun, and I was no amateur. Checking the safety, I pointed it at the rapidly reconstituting creature and took aim. Just as it finished coming together, it opened its maw to let out an ear shattering howl, and I took that as my cue to fire. With a pop, the gun went off and launched the flare deep into the open maw of the beast, whose eyes went wide, showing green flames, which quickly turned red as the flare penetrated. 

And then it exploded.





“Mishtah! Mishtah! Oh pweeze wake up. Pweeze dun be dead.” I groaned in pain, starting to come to, and winced as more pain lanced through me. I was being gently prodded by something, but it felt like I had been chopped up and then glued back together.

“Ow. Fuck I hurt.” I tried to get up and opened my eyes to see the little creature leaning over me. Looking down at myself I saw several large splinters of wood stuck into my arms and chest. The blood seemed to have stopped, but it still hurt like hell. My ears must have been injured as well, since the creature seemed to be talking funny.

“Yay! You not dead! Pwease ged up, we godda hide befah mo timbah wolfs come.” The voice had an odd quality, like the words were all rounded and smoothed, or it’s tongue was numb while it tried to talk. Suddenly it clicked. I remember dating a deaf girl once, smoking hot, and sweet as can be. Unfortunately her overprotective father put an end to our dating, and we had to break up. The creature sounded exactly like her. Once I made that connection, my brain began to automatically translate everything, and I understood her clearly. I also realized that the voice was definitely feminine, if rather young.

Crawling to my feet, I pulled the splinters free, wincing at the pain. Most of the wounds were superficial, barely breaking the skin, and looked far worse than they were. I looked around for my pack, and dug for the first aid kit inside, grinning as I found it unharmed by the creature’s attack. Looking over at the smoking crater where the wolf once stood, I understood that I was lucky to have not been closer when it went off like a bomb. Something inside must have been highly flammable to cause such a reaction.

“I don’t think we have to worry about that thing anymore.” I said to the little critter. Indeed, the forest around us had gone completely silent after the explosion. I started to pull the kit apart and dress my wounds, mostly cuts and scrapes. The critter limped toward me, and I saw that she was also injured, with a small streak of blood marring the fur on her leg.

I quickly pulled out more supplies, and bandaged what turned out to be a superficial, but probably painful gash on her leg. She winced when I cleaned it, but otherwise remained stoic through the procedure. As the spray anesthetic took effect, we were both much relieved and began smiling at each other. I couldn't help but notice, she used her full mouth like a human would, exposed teeth and all.

“Thank you mister! It feels all better now.” Hopping up, she planted a kiss on my cheek, and hugged me around the neck like a normal kid. Part of me found it odd that her legs could bend that way, which seemed strange for a quadruped. 

“Glad I could help, kid, but what are you doing in the woods?” I said, while signing at the same time. I was a bit rusty, but I still knew basic sign language from my ex.

“What? I dunno what you are saying, mister.” She looked confused, and cocked her head at my hand movements. I rolled my eyes and facepalmed, realizing my error. How could a creature without hands use sign language anyway?

“Sorry. Can you hear me at all?” I pointed to my ears, and motioned as if listening to something. 

“Oh, I can hear you fine, but I dunno what you are saying. It’s all silly noises to me.” She then proceeded to mimic what she thought she was hearing, which to me sounded like ape noises I had heard in a documentary about chimps once. “Ook ook, eek? Unf, ook?”

I pondered a moment, and then shrugged. It seemed whatever was letting me understand her, was a one way thing. I pointed to myself and tried giving my name. She just looked confused a moment before responding.

“Oh, that’s your name? My name is *horse noises*.” I blinked, not sure I heard correctly. Everything was clear until her name, which came out as a sort of whinny and a snort. She pointed to herself and repeated again, “*horse noises*.”

Again, I just shrugged, and we shared a chuckle. “Well I guess names will be a problem. So which way is home?” I asked, waving my hand for instructions.

She seemed to get the idea though, and brightened up. “Oh, I live in Ponyville, I think it’s over that way?” Pointing off behind her, she shrugged. “I got kinda lost, after *horse noises* dared me to come into the forest. She said I was scared and stupid like my mom. My mom isn't stupid! She’s smart and brave, and she flies over the Everfree Forest every day to deliver mail! But she didn't believe, me, so I had to prove my family isn't a buncha cowards!”

I rolled my eyes at this. Classic childhood behavior. You have bullies, making others feel the need to do stupid things to prove themselves, yet rarely living up to their own taunts and dares. I’ve done my own share of stupid things to prove myself, to friends, enemies, or to women. I finally decided that the only person I needed to impress was myself, and I have been happier ever since.

Slowly and painfully I climbed to my feet, feeling every bruise and cut. There was a rather nasty puncture wound on my arm, which was seeping a bit of blood, but mostly under control. I retrieved my walking stick and motioned for the little creature to lead, but immediately saw there would be a problem as she stumbled, despite my medical attentions. I sighed and squatted down, gently pulling her into the crook of my good arm. At first, she stiffened, until she realized I was just trying to carry her. After that, she leaned against me and relaxed with a little sigh. Since she was little bigger than a large cat to me, it would take little effort to carry her along.

“Thanks mister! My leg still kinda hurts when I walk. Ponyville is this way.” I set off in the direction indicated, trying my best not to wince from my own injuries as we made our way through the woods.





The path we were on grew wider and showed more signs of frequent use, as the underbrush became sparser and the patches of sky more common. Tired from her ordeal, the little creature had fallen asleep soon after we reached the main road, and I smiled down at her sleeping form as I ambled along. I was really wishing I had my hiking boots instead of the cheap sandals I was wearing, but I had endured worse for a story, and was thankful I was in good shape. My bleeding had stopped, but I hoped to find some medical attention before infection became a problem.

As I paused a moment, I heard a strange sound, and looked up to scan the sky. For the first time since waking up, I heard what sounded like a high altitude jet, and yet the sky was clear of any signs of aircraft. Indeed, other than a few scattered clouds, it was a perfect blue dome showing through the treetops. As I turned to look behind me, only had a moment’s warning before my world erupted in pain as something slammed into me at incredible speed.

In an instant, I was knocked off my feet, and carried several yards before sliding along the ground on my back. I heard the frightened scream of the young creature as she flew from my arms, before my view was filled with a riot of colors surrounding blue and red. And then the pain rained down.

“What did you do to her! I’ll bucking kill you, you monster!” A harsh scream threatened to deafen me as pain rained down in the form of rapid fire blows. I managed to get an arm up to block, only to feel the sickening crunch of shattered bone as the next blow landed.

Vaguely I noticed the sound of creatures approaching, and the cries of the younger creature turned to shouts of joy. “Mommy!” 

I had other things to sorry about, however as my attack continued. While the wolf creature had been light and flimsy, this creature was at least a hundred pounds of solid muscle, and moving with a speed that left me reeling. It was like having a giant pissed off medicine ball sitting on your chest, beating you to a pulp. It was all I could do to keep from blacking out.

And just as suddenly as it started, it was over. With a flash of reddish light, my assailant was lifted free of me, and I saw she was a larger version of the young one I had rescued. The thought drifted through my addled skull that it was all my fault. This is why you never mess with a baby animal; Momma tends to get pissed.

“*Horse Noises*! Leave that thing alone! We don’t know it’s a threat!” Another voice, more feminine yelled. My mind vaguely registered the color purple.

“But it hurt *Horse noises*! And look at it! It’s some sorta monster from the Everfree!” The blue one yelled back. Part of my brain was trying to tell me that they all sounded like the little one, as if they were deaf, and their words were all coming out funny. The rest of me was busy screaming in pain as I tried to curl up into a ball, and keep from blacking out.

“Mister, no!” I heard the little one cry out. “No, mommy, lemme go! He saved me from the timber wolf. Don't let them hurt him!” the others gasped as I felt the patter of little hooves approach me. 

“*Horse Noises*, No! Stay away from that thing!” I heard another voice yell, but the smaller one ignored her and grew closer. I swear I heard wings...

“Mister, please be okay! Oh please, oh please! I’ll be good, I promise. I won't go into the forest ever again, and I’ll even eat my veggies, just please be okay!” I hissed as the little hooves touches my arms, and she flinched back.

Cracking open an eye, which was quickly swelling shut, I peered up at the little critter, now dirty from her tumble, but seeming no worse for it. I tried my best to smile, but something in my mouth felt wrong. I reached out a shaking hand to stroke her little cheek, and felt the warmth of her coat as she leaned into the caress to nuzzle my hand like a little kitten.

“It’s okay.” I managed to croak out, before I lost my fight with the the darkness and slipped away from the pain.





“*horsenoises horsenoises*”

The hell?

“*horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises*?”

Yep, definitely hell. On a farm.

“*Blue horsenoises*!” 

With horses.

“*Purple horsenoises*?” Stomped indignantly.

“*Little horsenoises*, whimpered sadly, then sighed. 

*horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises horsenoises*

I awoke with a start, not sure if I had been dreaming. Everything felt numb, and the world didn't seem to want to focus.

“... seems to be recovering.” I heard a strange voice from outside the room. “He suffered multiple broken bones in his arm, ribs, and jaw, as well as a ruptured spleen, and lacerated liver.” Sighing, the male voice went on. It’s a good thing you brought him to us as soon as you did. He would have died soon if you didn’t, princess.”

Princess? Where the hell was I?

“Y-yes. Um, whatever it was must have ran off before we, uhh, got there. Right, *Horse noises*?” The purple creature’s voice sounded scared, and a bit worried.

“Yeah, right. What you said.” The angry blue creature sounded far less angry, but none too apologetic.

“Right, doc. When can we talk to it?” The purple one asked.

“Him. Upon examination, the creature is definitely male, or close enough to not matter physically.” Clearing his throat at an uncomfortable subject, the doctor continued. “Well we are using magic sedation and pain suppression, since we do not know how his body will react to traditional medicine, but that leaves us with the same problem. Without knowing more about his physiology, we cannot know how spells will affect him. There is far less chance of a bad reaction, but we don't know how long the spells will keep him sedated, or suppress his pain.”

Magic? The hell kind of quack voodoo doctor did they have working on me? Then again, I was feeling pretty damn good. He must be at least using a morphine drip. I felt like my body was floating on a cloud, although I couldn't move, other than my eyes. I must be in a full body cast, and if my jaw was fractured, my jaw was no doubt wired shut. It was going to be the Aspen ski trip all over again, and this time I didn't have a cute snow bunny girlfriend to keep me entertained.

“...should be waking up soon, if you want to talk to him, although I’m not sure he speaks Equestrian.” The doctor was finishing. I quickly closed my eyes and worked on seeming to be asleep.

“That’s fine, Doctor. Our friend, *Horse noises*, has a gift with strange creatures. I’m sure she can help.” the princess assured him.

“Oh my! THE Miss *Horse noises*? I’m such a fan! Do you think I can get her autograph?” The doctor gushed.

“Umm, maybe later. She is a bit shy around ponies.”

Ponies? Why the hell were there ponies? Did they bring me to a veterinarian? Then again, if I found a strange alien creature, I would probably bring it to the vet too. Assuming it didn't try to eat me and get shot. Humans are big on shooting strange creatures. Or vivisection. Oh god, I hope they don’t tell the government about me!

“Oh, I think he must be waking up!” I realized too late that I was hooked up to a heart monitor, and my little panic attack had made it start beeping like crazy. I tried my best to calm down again, but it was too late. The door creaked open and the clop of little hooves rang out on the tile floor as my visitors arrived.

“Oh good, you’re awake! We were so worried, you wouldn’t make it. Little *Horse noises* told us what happened, and how you saved her. We are all so sorry you were hurt, Aren't we, *Horse noises*?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry big guy. I didn't mean to pound your face into putty like I did...” Sounding not in the least sincere, the blue one hovered into view.

“*Horse Noises*! That was uncalled for! He’s a hero, and we need to be thankful.” The purple one turned on her friend, who cringed and landed, looking abashed. 

Wait, landed? The creature had wings! I blinked, and tried to move my head a bit, without success. The purple one hovered into view next, a worried expression on her face. I noticed she has a horn like the child, as well as wings like the blue one. What kind of creatures were these?

“I’m so sorry, but you were very badly hurt and we had to immobilize you until the magic could finish healing the worst of your wounds.” Princess Purple leaned over me and peered into my face. You aren't in any pain are you? Blink once if you can understand me.”

I blinked, then moved my eyes up and down. This got a relieved smile from her.

“Doc, is it okay to remove the restraints?” She asked the Doctor, who was looking on stoically.

“Yes, it should be fine. His bones are mended, and his wounds are mostly healed, although he will be sore and bruised. Also, we knew nothing about his blood, so while we were able to transfuse some plasma safely, we didn't want to risk whole blood. He will be weak until his body replenishes what he lost.” The doctor answered stiffly, before turning to the blue flier.

“Now Miss *Horse noises*, in regards to your comment about turning his face to putty, I would like to have a word with you in the next room regarding your official statement.” Glancing over at the princess, he gave another glare. “I will talk with you about it as well, Princess. Your title does not protect you if you are involved in attacks on sapients.”

With a yelp from the creature, the doctor exited the room, with flier dragging behind him.

“Oh Celestia, I am so sorry!” Turning back to me the princess waved her horn over me, as it began to glow with a magenta light. The feeling of weightlessness and immobility faded, although I still felt stiff. Thankfully there seemed to be no pain.

“We were so worried that you were some horrible monster that was dragging poor *Horse noises* off to the forest. Unfortunately, *Horse noises* is a bit more of an action first mare, and charged ahead to the rescue. Can you possibly ever forgive her?” Huge purple eyes shimmered up at me, looking like some nightmarish cross between a kicked puppy and a giant squid.

“Sure, sure. Just keep her away from me. She hits like a Mack truck.” I sighed.

Blinking, the creature tilted her head in confusion, and then rubbed her ear. “I beg your pardon? I didn't catch that.”

“I said, I forgive her. I was just trying to help the little kid get home.” I sat up, and tried to stretch. Yea, I was stiff, and I was gonna really feel it when whatever they gave me wore off.

“Oh, umm... Right, don't speak Equestrian.” She thumped her head with a little hoof. “Silly me, let me get my friend! She may be able to understand you.” And with a flash, she was gone.

The hell just happened? And where the hell were my clothes? I grabbed the sheet tighter and looked around the room. It was a standard hospital suite, single bed for privacy. Of the several signs and posters on the wall, none of them were readable. Next to the bed were some balloons, and a vase of flowers that looked as if something had been nibbling on them. Also, an opened box of candy, also with signs of being eaten. It was surreal, and I started to question what kind of drugs I had been given. Was I really here, or was I in a coma, slowly dying as drugs and machines were trying to keep me alive?

My existential crisis was interrupted by the sound of approaching hooves, as the door glowed briefly before opening to reveal the purple princess, and a new winged creature. This one was pastel yellow, with an equally pastel pink mane. A stray thought made me wonder if she smelled like marshmallow peeps, and I smiled at the image.

In a flurry of movement, she was upon me, eyes wide as she gasped. “Ohmygosh! You poor poor thing. What did they do to you?” Touching me with feather light hooves, the creature quickly examined my remaining bandages, which were numerous. I froze in shock as she clucked over me like a worried mother, while gently prodding and examining my remaining injuries.

Unsure how to react, I looked to the princess for help. Unfortunately, she looked just as lost as me, and just shrugged back. I rolled my eyes and endured the gentle examination stoically.

“Well, I’m not sure what he is, but he is built like some sort of ape, or maybe a small yeti. Most of his wounds are healing nicely, although his bruises could use some healing poultices to reduce the swelling.” Looking up at me she peered into my face with her immense aqua eyes. “Are you in any pain? Is there anything we can get you to eat? What do you eat, anyway?”

“Well, to be honest, I would kill for a burger, but I get the feeling that wouldn’t go over too well here. How about some water, or juice? I’m parched.”

Gasping, she pulled back, her hooves going to her mouth. “Oh my, you can talk! Oh, but I’m afraid I don’t speak ape very well. Can you understand me?”

I nodded, and this seemed to make her feel better. “*Horsenoises*, can you cast a spell or something to help him talk?”

“You know, that’s a pretty good idea, *Horse noises*. One translation spell, coming up!” And with a grin, her horn lit up briefly, before shooting a beam of light at me.

Flinching, I touched my chest where the light had touched me, but felt nothing change. “So did it work?”

“Darn! That should have done something. It was like some stronger spell blocked me. Or some other form of magic...” Suddenly she frowned. “Discord!”

“Oh no, Discord has been helping me make new bunny warrens all weekend. They love all the twisty-turny tunnels he makes. It helps confuse the weasels.” I was starting to wonder if I wasn’t the only one on prescription medication.

Well either way, I think he may know something about what is going on. Let’s bring him here to meet... Uhh. I didn't quite catch your name?” Looking at me, she cocked her head to the side.

“My friends call me Saur.” I responded, pointing to myself.

“Saur? That's a funny name. At least I hope that’s your name. The rest came out as noise and gibberish.” Sighing, she turned to her companion. “Let’s go. The sooner we get this solved, the sooner we can help him.” Turning to me, she smiled warmly. “Get some rest if you can. Being around Discord can be rather... tiring.”

I gave a thumbs up, which received a puzzled look from both of them. Then the princess shrugged, and in a flash they were gone, leaving me rubbing my eyes. 

Real good drugs. I did the best thing, and decided to sleep it off. The doc was right, and I did feel weak and tired. No sooner than my head hit the pillow, I was out.





 I trotted along a small dirt path alone, with creepy trees on either side of me. I glanced down, and with that sense of clarity that only happens in dreams, knew that I was a pony. I also knew that this was the Everfree Forest, and that something was out to get me. I heard growls and hoots from deeper in the woods, while low hanging branches seemed to swipe at my mane. It looked so cliche, like an old hollywood set from Wizard of Oz, that I almost laughed. And then I saw it.

Glowing green eyes appeared first, followed by a rather loud growl. Slowly the first timber wolf came forward, seeming to congeal directly from the leaves and shadows of the bush he was in. I stopped, trying to weigh my options. I had beaten one before, and they were not too tough so long as you got away while they pulled themselves together. I clearly lacked any fire to defeat it permanently. Maybe I could smash it up and run like hell?

Then more eyes appeared, as the rest of the pack slinked forth from the undergrowth. I was soon surrounded by green eyes and malice made from shadow and forest detritus. Time for plan B: Run like hell!

I tore off down the track, howls and snarls in pursuit. I could smell their fetid breath, like an open sewer main, chuffing along at my heels. I even felt a few snaps at my tail, and I literally tucked it between my legs as I ran. Meanwhile, the forest itself sought to hinder me, as roots, low branches, and even the occasional log blocked my path. On instinct born of nightmares and dreams, I deftly dodged every obstacle, but only just barely managed to stay ahead of my pursuit.

I knew from documentaries, and even a few interviews I had written myself, that wolves were smart pack hunters. They often herded their prey into traps and ambushes. A small hysterical part of my brain giggled that I was about to be ambushed by actual bushes.  It came to no surprise when I entered a small clearing, and found the ambush was more of a tree. A tree in the form of a giant Timberwolf.

Skidding to a stop on my hooves, I looked up at the beast that towered at least a dozen feet above me. It’s rank breath washed over me, as the growls and snarls of my pursuers fanned out behind me. I didn't even dare look back, but knew my escape path was being sealed off.

I was screwed.

Rearing back, the alpha wolf let out an earth shattering howl. I closed my eyes and awaited my fate, knowing I had nowhere else to run. Just as I knew he was about to strike, I heard instead a loud horse whinny from above me, and then a yelp from the beast. My eyes shot open to see my savior, and was shocked to see a dark shadow glimmering in the night.

“BEGONE BEAST! YOU SHALL NOT HARM MY LITTLE PONIES!” A mighty roar belted out, knocking the giant wolf to the ground. All around the clearing, the smaller creatures erupted into flames, as the alpha limped off into the night, tail between its legs.

I blinked, trying to get a better look at my salvation, as she descended from the sky. Upon touching down, she took the more solid form of a pony, larger than me or the others I had seen. She wore metal armor on her hooves that glittered darkly in the moonlight, and a torque around her neck. A dark crown completed the outfit of a dark equine angel come forth from some magical fairie world.

“You are safe now, my little pony.” She walked towards me, posture stiff and formal, with the regal bearing of a purebred show horse.

“Who are you? And where the hell am I?” I stammered. 

Blinking in confusion, she stopped her approach to look at me strangely. “You do not know me? I am Princess *Horsenoises*, Co-ruler of equestria, and protector of the dream realm.” She paused, tapping a metal-capped hoof to her chin. “How strange, that you do not know me, and that I fail to know you, despite being in the dream world, where such knowledge is passed freely.”

Stepping closer, she peered at me through half lidded eyes, sniffing lightly. “No. You are not truly one of my little ponies. You have the smell of strange magics about you, and your soul glimmers in a strange way I have never seen before.” Stepping back, she resumed the regal pose once again.

“So then, who and what are you, and how is it you have summoned me to your dream, dressed in the form of my ponies?” 

“My friends call me Saur, and I am a human. I have no idea how I got here, or even where here is.” I shrugged, starting to feel strange for the first time in my pony body. I blinked as I gained more lucidity, and started to question the realm around me. I accepted that I was a pony, but I didn't look like any pony I had ever seen. Besides four legs and a basic shape, none of the details looked equine at all. Large rounded heads, huge forward facing eyes, far too small muzzle. And then there was the one before me, bearing wings and a horn like the purple one I had met.

And then, like a bubble bursting, I stopped believing, and I was human again.

“Aha! You reveal thine true form!” Cheering, the princess pumped a hoof in the air. “What a strange creature you are. Methinks you are far from your home indeed, for I have never seen your like.”

“Well if it’s any consolation, I have never seen a pony that looks like you, Princess.” I shrugged, getting off the ground and dusting myself off. Thank goodness I managed to dream up some proper clothes.

“My name is *Horsenoises*”. Stopping, she looked puzzled again. “*Horsenoises*. No, no, it’s *Horsenoises*!” Growling, she stomped a hoof. “Blast it to Tartarus! Something is wrong with the dream, and I am unable to say my name.” In frustration, she turned and pointed to the mark on her flank, showing a crescent moon in a field of inky darkness.

“Princess Moonbutt?” I guessed, flippantly. She was not amused, and glowered at me, snorting steam.

“Sorry! Yeah, I ran into that in the real world. I can understand everyone, but not their names. Strangely, they can’t understand me at all for some reason.” I shrugged in confusion.”

“Hmm, it may have something to do with the strange magic surrounding you. It bears some investigation. Mayhaps the Princess of Magic can shed some light on things.”

“Purple pony, wings and horn, cute librarian look?” Wait,cute? Where the hell did that come from? Ugh, being a pony was messing with my mind!

“That would be her, “Princess *Horsenoises*” Her ears went flat at once again failing to speak a name in the dream. “In any case, I believe your dream is ending, and it is time for me to depart. Somepony is waking you. We shall meet again, soon I hope.”

I started to wave back, but with a start, I was jarred awake, and the dream popped like a soap bubble.





“Is he awake yet? I haven't got all day.” A deep baritone voice drifted in from the hall.

“Hold on, I am waking him up now.” The purple pony said, as I felt a hoof shake me awake. Pony. It seemed to fit them, although they still looked nothing like the little horses I was used to. Then again, I looked nothing like the ape I descended from.

“Saur? We brought somepony to see you. I think he can help.” I opened my eyes to the massive purple orbs, looking worriedly up at me from my bedside. 

“Yea, yea... M’awake.” I yawned hugely, wincing as some of my remaining bruises made themselves known. The rapidfire pops of my joints made my visitor step back in alarm.

“Come in everypony! He’s awake.” Smiling happily, the princess called to the doorway. 

In came the strangest thing I had ever seen. It was like some old chinese dragon, as drawn by a kindergartner after a trip to the zoo. Every limb was from a different animal, and even his eyes were mismatched. All I could think was, his mother must have been one hell of a party girl.

“Don’t say it. I can see it in your eyes, and it would be quite inappropriate, I can assure you.” He pointed over his head, where a large black and white square floated, showing the letters “TV G”

“As much as I would love to push for a PG-13, these pathetic ponies just won't go for it.” he rolled his eyes, literally rolled them around on his head, until they reattached themselves, although I could swear they had swapped positions.

“So, what do we have here? I smell chaos magic on you, but it’s none of my work.” Pulling out a giant magnifying glass from nowhere, he examined me closely. “Yes, indeed. It’s just not possible! No sir, I don't like it!” he muttered to himself.

“Uhh, Princess? What the hell is this thing, and why is he in my personal space?” I leaned back away from the magnified eye, and pleaded with the pony. 

“What? Oh, yes. I still can't understand you, but I assure you that Discord is harmless. Mostly.” Grinning her cheesiest smile, she looked over her shoulder. “*Horsenoises*? care to lend a hoof?”

From behind her stepped the yellow mare from earlier, first looking shyly at me, before giving a stern glare to the creature leaning over me. “Discord, please don't scare him. We need to know if you can tell what sort of magic was cast on him, and where he came from.”

“Scare him? Are you daft? Do you even have any idea what he is?”  Slithering away from me, he popped up between the two ponies, who squeaked in surprise. “What we have here, is a human. Masters of the universe, destroyers of worlds, gods of technology, and rather good dancers!”

“What? I haven't destroyed anything! I don't even know where I am or how I got here.” I pleaded.

“Well that’s too bad, I don't know either. The magic on you is nothing more than a perception filter spell, allowing you to understand us. It seems to be faulty however, so it’s only working one way.” he tsked, “Such shoddy work! What is the world coming to?”

I started, pointing at him, “Wait, you can understand me?”

“Of course I can, silly boy. I am the master of chaos, and a faulty chaos spell is nothing I cannot work around. In fact I may be able to fix it!” Grinning, he snapped his fingers and was suddenly dressed in black stained overalls and a plaid shirt, with a matching plaid hat on his head bearing the words ‘Git R Done!’. As he smiled, I saw that several of his teeth were blackened and missing now, and the oversized fang was now an oversized incisor, sticking out at an odd angle.

Pulling a red tool box out from beneath the bed, he began digging around in it, until he brought out a massive red pipe wrench. It looked like a giant cartoon prop that Tex Avery would have put in one of his cartoons. 

Affecting a sort of redneck drawl, he grinned once again his jack o lantern smile. “Naw jes hol still, dit won't hurt a bit!” and before anyone could react, he smacked me upside the head with the wrench.

*Clang!* The sound of metal on metal rang out, but it strangely only felt like being bopped with an inflatable toy.

“Did it werk?” he asked, still in his country drawl.

“I dunno, can you understand me?” I asked the girls, then flinched in shock. As I turned to them, I saw they now resembled normal earth ponies, with shaggy fur and normal equine features.

“Nope, still can't understand him.” The purple pony replied. It was even more surreal seeing her lips move to make the words, despite her equine face.

*Clang* I felt the thump again. Blinking, the mares now looked like a badly drawn cartoon from the 80’s, and seemed to be more horse shaped than originally, but without the clear detail or shaggy fur. 

“Wow, that's bizarre.” I replied.

“Nope, still not a word.” I giggled as her voice now even sounded like an old chipmunk cartoon.

*Clang* “Ouch, that one hurt!” I cried out, rubbing my head. I blinked back tears, as I looked at my new visual impairment.

“No es bueno, la Discordia. Todavía no lo podemos entender.” Suddenly they looked like sock puppets, with googly eyes and disembodied hands reaching from the floor to animate them. I started giggling stupidly. This was some seriously screwed up craziness.

*Clang* 

“What the hell man, are you trying to give me brain damage?” I yelled

“Oh my *Horsenoises*! We can understand him!” I looked back to see the two ponies looking normal, and both nodding in agreement.

“Well it’s about time. I was afraid I was going to have to hit him really hard to fix that.” Back to his normal voice and state of undress, Discord reappeared back between the mares.

“Does anyone else smell smoke? I think he gave me a tumor.” I griped, rubbing the back of my head.

“It’s NOTATUMA!” the chaos god quipped, holding his hands up in defense of the two mare now angrily glaring at him.

I can’t help it, I laughed. It felt good to laugh, and even the girls joined in on the joke. Fluttershy even flew up to give me a hug, which I accepted, getting an annoyed look from Discord.

“Yes, yes, we all love the cuddly monkey. Can I go now?” he griped, looking petulant.

“Wait, we need introductions, and I want to hear more about the whole ‘Destroyer of worlds’ thing.” Twilight pinned him with a stare, before turning back to me. “My name is Princess *Horsenoises*, and this is my good friend, *Horsenoises*. Oh, and of course, Discord, lord of chaos, currently reformed.” 

Each bowed in turn, and I just blinked in confusion.

“Uhh, I think it’s still bugged. I can understand everything you say, except your names. Well, I can understand his, but not yours.” I shrugged.

Both mares looked askance of the chaos lord, who shrugged as well. “It must be hard coded into the spell, True Names have power, and are blocked for some reason.”

“Then why can he understand yours?” the princess asked.

“Well, if you haven't figured it out, it’s not my real name. Discord is more of a title. My True Name was forgotten so long ago, even I don't remember it.” crossing his arms, he cocked an eyebrow and dared her to refute it.

“We will talk about it later. for now, tell us more about destroying worlds?” 

“Oh yes! Humans are the original bringers of chaos. They destroyed everything they touched, spreading destruction in their wake. I frankly thought they had gone extinct long ago. They fought wars for any reason you can think of, killing each other by the millions. they poisoned the planet, turning it into a wasteland, and almost spread into the stars, before their own collapse did them in.”

Warming to the story, the lord of chaos coiled into a ball and propped his chin on his hands. “You know the stories of the Apocalypse?” He asked.

“Yes, I remember reading some ancient tale of four ponies that brought destruction to the land as punishment for everypony’s sins. They wiped the planet clean to make way for the new world. It’s only an old myth, and there has never been any evidence of the previous world.” Twilight lectured, retelling her part of the tale.

“Oh there was evidence. You see, I was there, and it wasn't four ponies, but for Horsemen. Horses, ridden by men. Beings of mythical power, created to fight a war for the side that created them. They were born of legends already old when they were created, and given terrible destructive power. They were Death, Famine, War, and Pestilence. Each held total dominion over a sphere of power, and were set upon the world to wipe it clean for the victors.”
“The final war was fought over something petty, as all wars were. One side did not like the beliefs of the others, or wanted their land, or just thought they were better. It never matters in the end. What matters is, once unleashed, the horsemen brought destruction to every land they touched, and nothing was left in their wake but death and misery.” 

“And that was where I came in. The other side, being just as righteous and self important as the other, sought their own champion to fight for them. They reached into their own ancient legends, summoning a creature of pure chaotic energy. They gave it form like their ancient dragons of wisdom, yet chaotic like it’s sphere of power. They created a creature that fed on pure chaos, so that the more destruction the horsemen wrought, the more powerful he would himself become.”

“That was you?” The princess asked, her voice quiet and subdued.

“Yes, my dear princess, that was me. I was born in a ceremony that cracked the very sky, and gave me form in this world, both trapping me here, and giving me limitless power.” the chimera chuckled darkly.

“A-and what d-did you do?” the timid yellow pony asked, eyes wide in horror.

“I did what I always do. I laughed.” Throwing his head back, he let out a terrible bellow of a laugh, as lightning flashed and thunder rolled outside. Both mares jumped, hugging each other.

“Yes, well. Sorry about that.” He apologized as the ponies relaxed. “I just laughed at the foolish humans, as they begged me to save them from their evil enemies. It was all rather pathetic really. They wanted me to destroy their enemies, when they were their own worst enemy. So with all my power generated by the destruction they had wrought, I created Tartarus, and imprisoned the four horsemen inside. In the blink of an eye, they were gone, and the world was free.”

“Free to die slowly, it seems. Even without the horsemen, the world was doomed, as plagues and natural disasters spread across the land. Other weapons had been deployed during the war, weapons that warped the very reality around them. This is how magic was brought into the world. Fed by the untold deaths, the plagues, curses and wild spells spread to every corner of the globe, killing off most things, and leaving those that survived forever changed.”

“Four such creatures were the mounts of the horsemen. Without their riders, they were subject to the wild magics of the new world. I am not sure what happened to the mounts of Famine and Pestilence, but the mounts of War and Death became the Princesses you know today. They gained new purpose, as well as sapience, a parting gift from me. Myself, I grew fat and lethargic, gorged on the chaos energy of a dying world. I slept for a very long time, before awakening again in a magical land full of ponies, and far too little chaos.” With a sigh, the creature finished his story.

“Wow, that’s pretty screwed up.” I finally responded, breaking everyone out of their funk.

“Yes, well it’s been a long time since I had to tell that story, and I’m afraid it’s taken a bit out of me. I will bid you all adieu, until we meet again.” And with a snap of his fingers, he was gone.





Several minutes later, a very confused pair of ponies made their exit, promising to come back to visit me soon. I was warned that a certain pink pony may try to throw me a party in the near future, and to brace myself for her over the top personality. After dealing with the blue bully, I wasn't sure what could possibly be worse. As they were leaving, I heard them run into someone in the hallway, and they told them to head right inside. I was pleasantly surprised to see the little filly I had rescued, as well as another grey mare with wings, and blond hair. I only had a moment to register something with her eyes before I was pounced on by a light purple missile.

“Mister! Mister! You’re okay! I was so worries you were gonna be hurt bad after miss Crash thumped you so hard!” The stranglehold hug was quickly pried off of my neck by a pair of grey hooves, and a worried smile.

“*Horsenoises*! Leave that poor stallion alone! He’s been through alot, and probably needs some rest.” A light voice accompanied a brilliant smile, marred by a mismatched set of golden eyes. I also noticed for the first time that she didn't sound like she had the hearing-impaired speech impediment that the other ponies seemed to have.

“Thanks, she’s got quite a grip on her... I choked out, gasping for air. The little hooves didn't do my bruised ribs any favors either.

“I’m so sorry, but she was so eager to see you. All she talks about is how you saved her in the forest. She was so worried that you wouldn't wake up.” The grey mare rubbed the back of her neck nervously, and looked away. Well, one of her eyes looked away, and the other looked down at the little foal.

“This is my little Muffin, her name is *Horsenoises*. I’m *Horsenoises*, but everyone just calls me Derpy, ya’know, on account of my eyes.” Again, she looked away, clearly not comfortable. “I just wanted to thank you so much for saving my little filly.”

“Ya, thanks mister! Now I get to rub it in *Horsenoises*’s face, and show off this wicked battle scar!” And indeed, there was a thin scar where the former leg injury had been. Even I could see the fur would soon cover it up, so I silently wished her the most out of her little trophy, before it was gone.

“It was the least I could do. Never let it be said that I left a child to be harmed.” I shrugged, not sure how to take the praise.

Suddenly, I was nearly knocked off the bed as warm hooves and feathers wrapped me in a fierce hug. I quickly overcame my shock, and returned the embrace, as the mare shook with silent tears.

“Hey! How come you get to hug him, momma? I wanna hug too!” I smiled, and opened my arm for the kid to join us, and she cheered as she lept into the pile of bodies. Both ponies snuggled into my arms, and for the first time in many years, I felt truly comforted. It was probably the best hug I could remember since my mother died, and the flow of emotion both from the memory and the two mares in my arms caused me to overflow with tears myself. I still don't know what it is, but I couldn't help crying.





”And there you have it folks, my story on how I came to be in this magical land of talking ponies. I still don’t know how I got here, although princess egghead is still working on that.” I dictated into the recording crystal that the princess had given to me, in the hopes that I would record my memoirs.

“You know that’s not her real name, right?” My loving mare looked up at me in amusement.

“Yeah I know, but I can’t seem to find a way to learn her real name, and that’s what her friends call her behind her back. Especially Rainbow Douche. That mare still has it out for me.” I chuckled, ruffling her mane.

“Just don’t let her hear you say that, she gets annoyed when ponies call her that, and you don’t not want to annoy a princess.

“So what? I annoy Princess Moonbutt all the time, but she still visits me every night to chat. Personally I think she likes someone that isn't afraid of her, or always kissing her royal flank.” Grinning, I looked back and gave my companion’s flank a playful slap.

“Smartflank!” hopping in the air, I received a mid-air wing to the head for my sass, followed by a quick smooch. It was totally worth it.

“Ninja Unicorn Attack!” Suddenly the nearby tree branch erupted in a blast of oche leaves, as a purple missile flew towards me, knocking me on my back.

“Oh no! it’s the dread assassin, Princess Muffin!” I exclaimed, as I recognized my assailant as my adopted daughter. “Are there no pirates to save me?”

“Ninjas beat pirates, every time! Surrender, or be assassinated!” The little unicorn foal crowed, as her mother busted out laughing.





Oh, I’m sorry! Did you want the story of how me and this lovely grey mare became romantically involved? Well I hate to disappoint you, but that is another story, for another time. For now, I have a deadly ninja assassin to defeat, and a fair haired damsel to protect. So please come back another time, when I’m not busy having fun with my new family.