Derpy Craves Carrot Top's Muffins
"Okay, first I need two eggs."
Carrot Top picked up both of the eggs and held them over the counter. She gently cracked them open and poured them into the mixing bowl. As she read the cookbook, she flung the eggshells into the trash can.
“One teaspoon of baking soda.” She grabbed a teaspoon and looked at it, wondering if it was the right tool for the job. Satisfied, she scooped up some baking soda and tossed the ingredient into the bowl.
"Perfect. Let's see... Next, I need to..." Carrot Top grabbed the bowl and placed it on top of the stand mixer. She put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm, which setting would be best to use?”
As she prepared the mixture, a grey mare’s head slowly peeked out from around the kitchen corner. While one eye focused on Carrot Top, the other focused on the bowl. She quietly tip-hoofed her way next to Carrot Top and stared into the mixing bowl. Carrot Top continued to prepare the mix, unaware of the mare beside her. As Carrot Top was about to push one of the buttons, Derpy realized what she was making. Carrot Top was making—
"Muffins!" Derpy shouted.
Startled, Carrot Top screamed as her hoof slipped on the bowl and knocked it into the air. The bowl flipped over, spraying the contents all over the two ponies.
"I'll take care of that!" Derpy said. Her mouth opened and her tongue popped out before she licked up all of the muffin mix. Turning into a tornado, she plowed through the kitchen, making sure to lick up every last drop. Before Carrot Top could protest, Derpy pounced on her, too, licking her clean with her outstretched tongue. When she finished, Derpy simply smiled at her.
Carrot Top, now covered in spit, frowned. She wiped her forehead and glared at the unwelcome intruder, who looked back at her innocently.
“What do you want?”
“Nothing. Just wanted to say hi.”
Carrot Top put a hoof to her face and sighed. She raised her hoof and tried to lecture her, but Derpy was gone.
Derpy had gotten bored and was already exploring the rest of the kitchen, pausing to admire all of the appliances. "Ooooo, what's this? And that? Wow, look at this thingie, that thingie, and those doo-hickies." Derpy flew around the kitchen, tipping over a bag of flour, which covered Carrot Top in a tidal wave. Now encased with flour, she shook herself vigorously like a dog until all of the offending substance dispersed. She tried to keep calm by taking deep breaths; getting angry wouldn’t help, after all.
"What's this button do?" Derpy noticed the shiny red button on a nearby mixer and stared at it. She reached a hoof towards it, then she pressed the button, causing the machine to roar to life. Panicking, she grabbed the sides of the stand mixer and held on for dear life. “Help! I’m gonna die. I’m being eaten alive!”
Carrot Top yanked the plug from the wall, the whirring beaters sputtering to a halt. Derpy smiled innocently at her and put on her best puppy dog face.
"What have I told you about bothering me in the kitchen?" Carrot Top asked.
"Uh... let's see,” Derpy said. “Don't?"
"That's right. So what do we do?"
"Um... leave?"
“Yes,” Carrot Top said, leaning against the counter and crossing her forelegs. She waited, but Derpy just stared at her with her tongue sticking out, not moving from her spot. Carrot Top smiled and started tapping her hind leg. When Derpy didn’t move, Carrot Top frowned. She glared at Derpy and pointed at the doorway. "Well?"
"What are these things?" Derpy asked, reaching for the button on the stand mixer again.
"Out!"
Derpy disappeared in a flash, leaving only a cloud of smoke and a frowning mare in the kitchen.
After several minutes of cleaning, Carrot Top finished mopping up the mess Derpy made and wiped her brow. "Woo, all done." She tossed the mop aside and checked how much muffin mix was left in the bowl. It was empty. She threw open the refrigerator door, only to find it empty as well.
"What? There's supposed to be a bunch of muffins in here." She shoved her head inside to double check. There was nothing inside except for a can of whipped cream and a can of cheese wiz.
"No eggs, no milk, no vegetables, no anything. Where the hay did everything go?" She spotted something near the back and reached over to grab it. She pulled her head out of the fridge before looking at what she was holding in her teeth: a bunch of half-eaten carrots.
Now she understood why her food was suddenly missing. "Derpy..." She shook her head. "Ugh, I didn't make those muffins for you. Guess I'll just have to make more." She walked over to the nearest cabinet and opened it. She reached a hoof inside and felt around for a bag of flour, but there was nothing there. “What? Don't I have anything?”
She ran to the other cabinets, throwing the doors open one by one. "No, no, no, no, no! That can't be right. I could’ve sworn I had more." She looked through the entire kitchen and realized that if she wanted to make more muffins, she was going to have to buy more ingredients. Carrot Top stomped out of the kitchen and into the living room where she saw Derpy playing with a cricket. "I'll be right back."
"Okay, have fun," Derpy said, waving as Carrot Top left the house.
Carrot Top was in the process of buying all of the ingredients she needed when she bumped into Lyra and Bon-Bon at the marketplace. Relieved to have someone to talk to, she started complaining to them. "I'm telling you. I don't know what to do. Every time I turn around, she eats something," Carrot Top said to the two ponies standing in front of her. ”I’m trying to bake some muffins for later, but at this rate, it’s not going to happen.”
"Is it really that bad?" Lyra asked.
"You have no idea." Bon-Bon said. “Once, before you came to Ponyville, I hosted a muffin-themed party. Big mistake. Once I mentioned we had muffins, she went crazy and ate everything there. It happens any time you mention them, really.”
"I'm sure it's not that bad," Lyra said. She yawned as she walked towards a park bench and sat down. "Let me know when you need me. I'm just going to take a short, little nap here." Lyra sat upright on the bench, immediately going to sleep.
"I still don't know how she does that," Bon-Bon said, putting her hoof to her chin.
Carrot Top looked to Lyra, then back at Bon-Bon. "I have to go back home and finish making these muffins." Carrot Top turned to walk away, but she suddenly had a brilliant idea. "Say, are you two busy?"
"Not particularly, why?" Bon-Bon asked.
"I was wondering if you'd like to help me guard the muffins."
"Sure, I’d love to.”
"Excellent," Carrot Top said as she clapped her hooves together. “I’ll meet you later, then.”
After Carrot Top went home, Bon-Bon walked over to Lyra and poked her awake. “Wake up, Lyra. Our friend needs us.” Lyra yawned and simply rolled over, trying to go back to sleep. Bon-Bon prodded her even harder. “Get up.”
“Unhhhh.” Lyra said, waving a hoof at Bon-Bon.
“I said, get up, Miss Lazy,” Bon-Bon said as she yanked Lyra by the ear. Letting go, Bon-Bon started walking to Carrot Top’s house.
“Okay, okay, I’m getting up,” Lyra said, wincing in pain as she reluctantly followed Bon-Bon.
Lyra and Bon-Bon sat at the table, talking, while Carrot Top attended to her muffins. They had arrived at Carrot Top’s house without incident, and Carrot Top had begun baking her muffins. As she was finishing the final touches, she realized that she was missing something.
“No! Ahh! How could I forget that?” Carrot Top berated herself, facehoofing. She looked around the kitchen, but she couldn’t find what she was looking for.
“What’s wrong?” Bon-Bon asked.
“I can’t find my secret ingredient.” Carrot Top looked through her saddlebags and came up with nothing. She checked the refrigerator and the cabinets again, but they were still empty. She threw her hooves up in frustration and grunted. “I have to run to Sugarcube Corner real quick. I’ll be right back.”
“Is it really that important?” Lyra asked, waving her hoof in boredom.
“Of course! They just won’t taste the same without it.” Carrot Top paced back and forth across the kitchen, shaking her head. “I guess I can’t help it. I’ll have to go back to the store.”
“But, if the muffins are already cooked, what’s the point of the secret ingredient?” Lyra asked.
“I can’t tell you that! That’s why it’s a secret.”
“Whatever.” Lyra said, rolling her eyes.
“Listen, I don’t trust Derpy to be with my muffins alone, so you’re going to have to watch her. She already ate everything in my fridge. She doesn’t need any more food.” Carrot Top pointed to Lyra, then to Bon-Bon. "If I leave her alone for five minutes, who knows what she'll do?”
Carrot Top peeked into the living room and saw Derpy watching television. Realizing that she was being watched, Derpy waved back. Carrot Top narrowed her eyes at Derpy before turning back to Lyra and Bon-Bon.
“It's important that these muffins stay whole and uneaten, so don't let her eat them, no matter what the cost may be."
"Yes, Ma'am. You can count on us," Lyra said, saluting while Bon-Bon nodded her head.
Carrot Top leaned closer to Lyra and Bon-Bon, lowering her voice to a whisper. "I have to warn you about something, though. There is something you might not know about Derpy. She's a muffin fiend. A muffomaniac. The, aroma, alone can make her crazy. She's tricky. One time, she drilled a hole straight through the floor in order to dig underneath the refrigerator." Carrot Top turned her head to look at Derpy Hooves in the living room, still watching television.
"Be careful. Don't let her innocent looks fool you. She'll do anything to get them. Despite what you may think, she's a clever pony." Slipping on her coat, Carrot Top headed towards the backdoor. "I'm serious. Don't let your guard down, not even for a second." Carrot Top glared at Derpy one last time before trotting out the door.
Carrot Top did her best to leave quietly, not wanting Derpy to know she left. She even went so far as to leave through the back door. As she walked outside, she tripped and flew face-first into a tree, causing a cluster of pinecones to rain down upon her. She got up and brushed herself off, but when she tried to take another step, she stepped on a jagged pinecone.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!” She put her hooves to her mouth to try and silence herself. Carrot Top winced, hoping that Derpy didn’t notice. She glanced back at her house and noticed a familiar face in the window. She glared at Derpy, causing her to hide behind the window curtain, one eye still poking out. Carrot Top sighed. Derpy was harmless, but sometimes she was a hoofful.
Pointing a hoof, she shouted, "Don't you go near those muffins!" Carrot Top tried to shake the uneasy feeling that crawled down her spine as she trotted towards the market. She was unsure if Lyra and Bon-Bon could handle it. After all, Derpy was smarter than she looked. She hoped that her muffins would be safe.
As Carrot Top walked off walked around the corner and out of view, Derpy grinned.
Derpy sat in the living room with the biggest possible smile, waiting for the right moment to strike.
I used to be something. In the olden days, I ruled over the land of muffins! I ruled over everything that was sweet and delicious. I was once the muffin queen. For many decades, I ruled over my people, until that witch came. I was unprepared, and the witch usurped me from my own throne, claiming the muffin folk for her own diabolical deeds.
Alas, it is my destiny to be the muffin queen! I won’t let that vile witch prevent me from my quest any longer. I shall claim those muffins yet. For too long, I have watched and waited for the perfect opportunity to strike. For too long, I have sat on my flank.
But no more! I have returned to reclaim what is rightfully mine. The final battle begins now.
Derpy's ears twitched. Her legs shook at the thought of muffins, and she put one of her forelegs on top of the other one to try and calm herself.
Patience. If I want those muffins, I have to wait until she's further away. Otherwise, I won't have enough time to eat her muffins.
Derpy imagined the wonderful aroma wafting from a newly baked muffin, the taste so heavenly, it was only fit for the gods. But, oh, so delicious. Derpy's legs shook even harder and her mouth watered from the thought.
No! I must calm myself. Be still, my legs. We shall rejoice in deliciousness soon. I'll wait just a few minutes. She might be trying to trick me to see if I try to grab them early. But if I wait, then I'll have the freedom to enjoy my muffins. Such a delicious treat, it would be a shame to scarf all of them down in a hurry.
Derpy clapped her hooves together rhythmically.
Clap. Clap. Clap.
Alright, that's enough waiting. Never fear, fellow muffins! Your queen shall rescue you from the witch soon.
She whistled nonchalantly and tip-hoofed into the kitchen, only to find the path to the muffins blocked by Lyra and Bon-Bon. Her plan foiled, she turned around and headed back into the living room.
What's this? The witch hired underlings to protect the muffins? I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. If I want those muffins, I'm just going to have to outwit them. I need a plan.
Think, think, think, Derpy thought, tapping her forehead.
Various plans danced through her mind, but one in particular stuck out.
Yes.... yes... that’s perfect!
Derpy peeked around the corner at Lyra and Bon-Bon as they talked to each other, too distracted to notice her. A smile crept up on her face, and she sneaked back to her room as quietly as possible. She threw open her closet, which contained all of the items needed for her plan.
Oh, yes...they'll never suspect a thing.
A knock came from the backdoor.
"Who could that be?" Bon-Bon asked.
"I'll get it," Lyra said.
Lyra walked to the back door and opened it. A grey mare stood on the front step, dressed in a magician's hat, a purple cape, and a mustache. Lyra looked at her and noticed that something was different about this mare. One of her eyes was facing downwards while the other one was facing upwards.
"Greetings!" the stranger said. "Are you ready to watch some amazing magic and feats beyond your wildest imagination?" The stranger raised both hooves and waved them around in a circle. "Oooooooooo."
"What do you want, Derpy?"
"I know not of this Derpy you speak of, for I am the Great and Powerful Bright Eyes! Novice magician that will one day become one of the best performers in Equestria. I'm going door to door selling..." Bright Eyes paused to hold up a box. "Cookies!"
"If you're a magician, then why aren't you doing magic tricks instead of selling cookies?" Lyra asked, eyebrow raised.
"That's simple! I..." The magician leaned in closer, "am broke."
Lyra rolled her eyes. "What does that have to do with anything?"
Bright Eyes flipped her cape open, revealing a poster. "Look here. As you can see, the prize for selling the most cookies is a magic set. If I win, then I can finally begin my journey of becoming the greatest performer in Equestria!" Bright Eyes flopped onto her rear end and continued. "Of course, I need the kit before I can perform any real magic."
Lyra couldn’t believe that the other mare actually thought she’d fall for it. Lyra wasn’t that dumb, after all. Lyra shook her head and pointed her hoof at Derpy. "That's enough. I don't know what you're trying to do but you can stop now, Derpy."
"Did someone say my name?" Derpy popped her head out from behind Lyra.
"Wait, what?" Lyra's jaw dropped. She looked back and forth between Derpy and the other grey mare.
Derpy Hooves stared at the other grey mare. "Ooo, you're just like me," both mares said simultaneously.
"But...but..." Lyra sputtered.
"So, did you want to buy some cookies?" Bright Eyes asked politely.
“Fine." Lyra grabbed some bits and handed them to Bright Eyes.
"Pleasure doing business with you," Bright Eyes said, taking a bow. She handed a box of cookies to Lyra, before skipping away, cloak flowing in the wind.
"I thought that was..." Lyra tried to make sense of what happened, but her brain refused to work.
"Alright, then, I'm going to go watch some TV now." Derpy bounced back into the living room.
"So who was that, anyway?" Bon-Bon asked.
Lyra shook her head and stared at the box of cookies in her hoof. "I have no idea."
Lyra and Bon-Bon stood on guard for several minutes in silence, save for the sound of Lyra munching away at the cookies. Bon-Bon sighed, leaning on the fridge while Lyra yawned.
“Want some cookies?” Lyra asked. Bon-Bon shook her head no, before proceeding to pace around the room.
"It’s so boring. When Carrot Top called us over, I thought it was an emergency," Lyra said, scratching her ear with her hoof.
"Well, she is our friend. If she says it's important, then it's important."
"Does it really take two ponies just to look after some muffins?"
"Maybe. Maybe not." Bon-Bon shrugged. She checked the living room and saw Derpy watching television, laughing and giggling. "I wonder what happened?" Bon-Bon asked. "You'd think she would have tried something by now."
Lyra finished the cookies and turned the empty box over, shaking it, and hoping for some cookie crumbs to fall out. "She's trying to trick us, I just know it. She wants to get our guard down and then...Bam! No more muffins."
"I'm sure we'll be okay," Bon-Bon said.
“If you say so,” Lyra said, throwing the box over her shoulder.
A scream pierced the air from the living room. Lyra and Bon-Bon galloped into the living room as fast as they could and found Derpy huddled in a fetal position.
"What's the matter, Derpy?" Bon-Bon asked.
"It's Carrot Top. She made those darn muffins again."
"We thought you liked Carrot Top's muffins?" Lyra said.
"Like? LIKE?!" Derpy rose to her hooves, focusing her eyes on Lyra. "I love her muffins more than life itself. Those muffins are the whole reason I stay with Carrot Top. Do you have any idea how delicious they are? Like doesn't even begin to describe it."
"What's the problem, then?"
"She made muffins, but she wants me to wait until dinner." Derpy shuddered at the thought. "I can't wait. I need them now!" she shouted and jumped into the air, bashing her head on the ceiling. She rubbed her sore head and continued talking.
"Her muffins are simply too delicious. I can't help it. They're so scrumptious. So sweet and flavory. So..." Derpy sniffed the air as a waft of muffin flowed from the kitchen. She tried to contain herself as the smell seized her senses. "Oh, I can smell them now... rising... baking... they're calling me. Eat us. Eat us. Can't you hear their voices? They're calling me to eat them." Derpy shivered violently as her eyeballs rolled around her head. Her wings slowly unfurled, and she floated into the air like a blimp before hovering blissfully towards the kitchen.
Before she could get very far, Lyra reached over and grabbed Derpy’s tail, pulling her back to ground level.
"Just calm down, Derpy. Everything is going to be alright," Bon-Bon said, putting her hooves on Derpy’s shoulder.
"You're right. I just have to be patient. I'll just sit here, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting."
Lyra and Bon-Bon looked at each other and shrugged. They took one last look at her before they walked back into the kitchen.
"I think you broke her," Lyra whispered.
"And waiting. And waiting. And waiting." Derpy said as she watched them as they walked back into the kitchen. When they left, she touched her hooves together and smiled.
It's time. Time to put my plan into action.
There. I hope that's everything. Derpy adjusted her wig and checked herself in the mirror. She had painted herself yellow from head to tail and a poorly sketched drawing of three carrots was taped to her flank. She climbed out of her window, using her wings to float and keep quiet. She snuck around to the back of the house and checked her disguise one last time.
Hehe, this is going to be so easy. Jumping up and down with excitement, she thought, Okay, just calm down. Just one quick little act and we'll have our precious little muffins. Derpy closed her eyelids and willed her eyes to become straight. She tapped her forehead until her eyes felt that they were in the right place before taking a deep breath, opened the backdoor and walking into the kitchen.
"Why, hello, Lyra and Bon-Bon. I'm back. Thanks for watching the muffins for me."
"Huh? Carrot Top? Why are you back so soon?" Bon-Bon asked.
"Wait a minute, where are the groceries?" Lyra asked.
"Oh, I decided that I didn't need any ingredients after all. Turns out I already have them. Silly me." Derpy grabbed both of them and pushed them out the backdoor. "Thanks again for being great friends, let's do this again sometime, thanks, bye."
She closed the door behind them, locked it, and wiped her brow, letting her eyes roll back to normal. Whew. Keeping my eyes straight is hard work. Knew I could pull it off, though. Because I'm the muffin queen. Derpy stared at the muffins sitting on the oven. Ah, yes, my pretties. So close. I shall eat you soon. I can already taste you. Oh, yes...
As Lyra and Bon-Bon trotted back to their house, they tried to piece together what happened.
"Well, that was weird," Lyra said, scratching her head. "Why call us if she didn't really need us?"
"I'm not sure, but..." Bon-Bon stopped in her tracks. Something was off, but she couldn’t tell what it was. Thinking back, she tried her best to remember. As far as she could tell, Carrot Top was exactly the same as she’d always been, even her cutie mark.
"What's the matter?"
"What color are Carrot Top's eyes?" Bon-Bon asked.
"Green, why?"
"Back there, Carrot Top had yellow eyes," Bon-Bon said.
Lyra stared at Bon-Bon and screamed, "Nooooooooooo!"
"Muffin time!" Derpy trotted over to the muffins, grabbing one and holding it over her drooling mouth. "Hello, little friends. Guess what? I'm gonna eat you. Yes, I am. First, I'm gonna bite ya, then I'm gonna chew you, nice and slow. Then, I'm going to carry you in my stomach for a few days..."
Suddenly, the door flew open. "Alright, the jig is up!" shouted Lyra. "Put that muffin down. Now!"
"Hey wait, wasn't that locke—" Bon-Bon said.
"That's not important right now," Lyra said, waving her hoof at Bon-Bon. "As for you, stop right there, Derpy!"
"Wha? My disguise was perfect, how did you know?" Derpy said.
"You can hide your colors and your cutie mark, but you can't hide your eyes!" Lyra said.
"Aww, I thought I kept them straight."
"Not your eyes themselves. It was the color that gave them away."
"Hey, I was the one that notic—" Bon-Bon said.
"Details, details," Lyra said, waving her hoof again.
"Aww, I was so close." Derpy said.
"How could you, Derpy?” Bon-Bon asked. “Trying to trick us like that. Carrot Top was trying to save those muffins. Now go to your room and think about what you've done."
"Aww," Derpy said as she trudged back to her room.
"Wait," Lyra said as she pointed at the muffin in Derpy’s hooves.
"Huh? Oh." Derpy begrudgingly handed the muffin back to Lyra and left the kitchen.
"Phew, that was a close one," Lyra said, wiping her brow.
Bon-Bon only shrugged in response.
Derpy flung herself on her bed, sighing in frustration.
I'm sorry, my fellow muffins. I have failed you. Derpy thought about the muffins, realizing how mouthwatering they really were. Oh, yes. My savory, little muffins, with all of your flaky, delicious goodness. I shall... Shaking her head clear of the images of muffins, she tried to concentrate.
There will be time for that later. For now, a new plan. Schemes involving squirrels, take-out pizza, wax fruit and go-carts raced through her mind, but nothing seemed quite right. Suddenly, a different thought popped into existence.
Perfect. What a wonderful idea. It shall be done! Derpy leaped to her hind legs and cackled at her own brilliance.
"Hmm, it's been awhile since we heard from Derpy,” Bon-Bon said. “I'll go check on her."
After Bon-Bon left the room to look for Derpy, Lyra lay on the ground and stared at the ceiling, counting the ceiling tiles again.
"Pssst. Lyra," A voice hissed from the shadows.
Lyra's ears perked up. "Hmm?"
In the corner of the kitchen, Derpy emerged, draped in a cloak. Pushing her hood back, she beckoned Lyra closer. "Lyra, I'd like to have a word with you," she whispered.
"Oh, it's you, Derpy. What do you want?"
"Lyra! I have something important to tell you. I...am your father!"
"Noooo, I...wait a minute. What?"
"Oh, whoops. What I meant to say was..." Derpy stood on her hind legs and shouted, "Lyra! I am the muffin queen! Come. Join us, and we shall dine on muffins together!"
"No. I won't do it."
"The power of muffins compels you!"
"I can't. I promised Carrot Top that I wouldn’t let you eat her muffins."
"I see that words won't do the trick. How about this instead?" Derpy grabbed Lyra, bringing her closer.
"Lyra. Look into my eyes." Lyra tried to look away, but Derpy held her head in place. "Don't resist. It is your destiny!" Lyra tried to close her eyes, but Derpy was too strong. "Yes. Yes! Look deeper! Deeper! You can't resist the power of the muffin. Their taste...their aroma. I can't help but be obsessed. If I can't get the muffins then, Lyra, it is you that will get the muffins for me!" Derpy proclaimed.
"I will get the muffins for you." Lyra nodded, hypnotized by Derpy's eyes.
"Good. Now go, before Bon-Bon gets back."
"Yes, Derpy." Lyra trotted over to the oven where the muffins were, picked up the tray, and started walking back.
"Yes. Yes. Yes!" Derpy shouted with glee.
“Derpy’s not in her room. I can’t find her anywhere.” Bon-Bon trotted back into the room and saw Lyra carrying the muffins. Derpy had her hooves out in anticipation and Lyra was about to give them away. "Lyra! No! It's a trap!" Bon-Bon flew across the kitchen and delivered a swift chop to the back of Lyra's head. Snapped out of her hypnosis, she wobbled back and forth before dropping the muffin tray. The muffin tray fell towards the ground in slow motion as Derpy looked on, horrified.
"Nooo!" screamed Derpy as she dived for the tray of muffins, grabbing it just in time. "Phew."
"Huh? What now?" Lyra asked, rubbing the back of her head.
"Give me those," Bon-Bon said, grabbing the tray of muffins out of Derpy's Hooves. "How dare you hypnotize Lyra like that. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go back to your room, and stay there until Carrot Top gets home."
Derpy reared back on her hind legs and shouted one last warning before leaving, "You may have won the battle, but you haven't won the war!"
Derpy lay in her bed, trying not to let the frustration get the best of her.
"Why, why, why?" She pouted, scrunching up her snout.
"I don't understand," Derpy said, sobbing into her pillow. "All I want to do is eat muffins. Why won't they let me eat my muffins? If only there was a place where you could eat as many muffins as you want, flavors of every kind, and no one would ever shout at you." She rolled over on her bed and wondered why such a place didn't exist.
"And why not? Why can't I do nothing but eat muffins all day? Muffins...so delicious...muffins..." Derpy drifted in and out of consciousness, too hungry to focus on anything else.
"Oh, do you know the muffin mare? The muffin mare? The muffin mare? Do you know the muffin mare, who lives on Drury Lane?" A voice whispered to her.
Derpy opened her eyes, finding herself in a magical world, filled with nothing but walking, talking muffins. A group of muffins danced in a circle, another pair played cards, and there was even a muffin that was biting a chunk of itself.
"Muffins!" she screamed, launching herself at the nearest muffin. “Nomnomnomnom.” She couldn't help herself. Her dream had come true. All of these muffins, hers for the taking. She finished off the first muffin and ran towards the next one. One by one, she devoured the muffins. "These...are...so...delicious..." Derpy muttered between bites. The muffins streamed endlessly from the sky no matter how fast Derpy ate them.
"More! More!" Derpy said, tearing through the muffins like a tornado and devouring everything in her path. Finished with her task, she spotted a muffin that was roughly the size of a mountain. "I'll take that as a challenge!" Derpy shouted, leaping onto the side of the muffin. Opening her mouth wide, she bore a hole straight through the giant muffin. "No muffin will escape. None!"
"Nomnomnomnomnom." Derpy awoke and realized that she had been chewing on her own tail the whole time. Only a dream. “Bleh.” She spat out her tail and rubbed her forehead. Suddenly, an idea struck her. She jumped to her feet and declared, “Yes! Those muffins shall be mine yet!”
If I can't trick them, I'll use speed and agility!
Derpy dove into the kitchen, prepared to grab the muffins and fly away as fast as she could.
“I'm eating those muffins whether you like it or not!" Derpy yelled at Lyra and Bon-Bon, who were sitting at the table.
"I...." Looking closer, she realized that they were cardboard cut-outs. "Decoys!"
"Fire!" Lyra shouted, popping out from under the sink and unleashing a stream of whipped cream from a can. She was followed by Bon-Bon, who also popped out from behind a cabinet, unleashing a cheese whiz stream of her own.
"Never!" Derpy yelled, using the refrigerator as a shield. "You can't stop me from taking the muffins!"
"Stay your ground, Private Bon-Bon."
"Yes, ma’am Captain Lyra."
Think, Derpy, think. I can't sit here forever. She spotted a hanging basket with apples inside. Perfect!
Derpy plucked an apple, ripped the stem off and tossed it towards Lyra and Bon-Bon.
"Incoming! Scatter!" They dived away from the apple as it exploded, gooey residue covering everything in a juicy film.
“Now's my chance!” Derpy said.
While Lyra and Bon-Bon were temporarily disorientated by the apple grenade, Derpy seized the opportunity and flew towards the muffins.
"All mine!" Mouth wide open, Derpy was ready to taste those delicious muffins.
The nearby window slid open, and a bunny snuck into the kitchen. He made his way towards the tray of muffins and grabbed them before fleeing back towards the open window.
"Noooooooooo!" Derpy screamed.
Derpy collided with the bunny, sending both of them out of the window. They played a game of tug of war with the muffins, neither wanting to let go, until they tripped and sprawled out on the ground.
Lyra and Bon-Bon ran to the windowsill to watch.
"Holy Celestia!" Bon-Bon gasped as Lyra's mouth fell open.
Derpy and the bunny kept pulling at the tray as they rolled over on the ground. They kicked up a storm of dust, various pony parts sticking out, and tumbled around, until they ran into a tree.
"Ugh." Derpy shook the stars from her head and focused her eyes back into place. She stood up and marched over to the bunny, who was lying on the ground in confusion. The bunny was holding on to the tray of muffins, which had, thankfully, not spilled.
"Hold it right there, Mister," Derpy commanded. "Those muffins belong to me, the Muffin Queen! I demand them back. Now.”
The bunny glared at her for a second before giving the muffin tray back to her. Derpy grabbed the tray of muffins and glared back at him. "Now scram." The bunny made a rude gesture with his paw and disappeared into the nearby bushes. Derpy balanced the tray of muffins on her back and walked back to Lyra and Bon-Bon. "Here's the muffins back. Make sure they're kept nice and safe for Carrot Top. I’m sorry for making trouble. I promise I won't eat them anymore."
"Wow. My hero," a voice said from behind Derpy. Surprised, she looked around to see Carrot Top with a bag full of groceries.
"I saw the whole thing." Carrot Top walked over to the group of ponies and grinned. "I’m surprised. You saved my muffins. Thank you." She put the bag of groceries down and gave Derpy a hug.
"Aww, it was nothing," Derpy said, blushing.
"Aww, isn't that sweet?" Bon-Bon asked, smiling at Lyra. Turning to Carrot Top, she asked, "Doesn’t Derpy deserve a reward?"
Looking at the muffins and then back at Derpy, Carrot Top replied, "Fine. But just one."
"Yay." Derpy grabbed one of the muffins and took a small bite out of it. She chewed it slowly, savoring the flavor. "Mmm, delicious.”
"Both of you did a good job. Congratulations." Carrot Top turned around and headed back inside the kitchen, only to find that she had walked into a war zone. The refrigerator was caked with some unidentifiable food residue, and all of the chairs had been overturned. Everywhere you looked, the kitchen was covered with bits and pieces of apple, along with streams of cheese and whipped cream hanging off the ceiling. "What in the hay happened to my kitchen?!"
Derpy smiled and shrugged, continuing to nibble on her muffin.
Later that night in Carrot Top's backyard, a grey mare wrapped in a cloak, carrying a saddlebag walked through the backyard. She looked back every couple of steps, checking to see if she was followed. She stopped at a tree and waited for any signs of movement. Several minutes passed, but she heard nothing. Satisfied, she whistled.
The nearby bushes rustled and a bunny appeared. It hopped over to Derpy and held out its paw while impatiently stamping his foot.
"Thanks for your help, Angel. Here's my end of the bargain, just as promised." Derpy pulled out a huge bag of carrots from her saddlebag and tossed it at the rabbit's feet. Angel saluted the mare before bouncing along his merry way.
"Just like I planned. Muwahwahwa!”