Pinkie finds out that she has developed depression. She has to learn how to cope with it and still do what she loves; make ponies happy.
Pinkie finds that after years and years of making other ponies happy, she has failed to keep herself happy. She has developed depression and has to learn to cope with it and get better in any possible way. How will she still do what she loves and make ponies happy...when she can't even keep herself happy?
Pinkie Pie woke up, a sad expression plastered to her pink face. She was used to waking up like this by now.
She didn't know when it happened, or even how it happened, but it happened. Pinkie remembered finding herself so sad one day and she didn't understand why. She, being the happy and carefree mare that she is, shrugged it off and put a smile on her face anyway. It was somepony's birthday celebration and she didn't care if she was sad or even why she was sad, she had a party to plan and ponies to make smile.
This was one of her first mistakes.
She then found herself be sad every day after that, the feeling of sadness, loneliness, darkness, and emptiness loom over her. It wouldn't go away. Of course this didn't stop her from partying and making other ponies smile. She would make other ponies happy before herself.
She started finding it harder and harder to fake her smile and her happiness. She would try to keep her mane poofy and curly but she would find many strands of it go completely straight and lose its bounce. One day it almost went completely flat and she had to explain to her friends why.
*Flashback*
"Why did your mane go flat all of a sudden, Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked, observing her friends’ mane problem.
"Oh um, well Twilight, in cold weather my hair just you know, gets a mind of its own and goes flat. It's normal for me..." Pinkie tried to explain in the best way she could.
"Pinkie Pie...it's the end of August," Twilight stated, looking questionably at her pink friend.
"Oh um...did I say cold weather? Heh...I meant warm weather...oops. Silly me I guess! Heh...heh..." Pinkie chuckled nervously, faking a smile once again.
"Okay then Pinkie. Anyway girls, I was saying that I think it would be great if..." Twilight started explaining something but Pinkie's mind went somewhere else.
*End of flashback*
Pinkie sighed to herself and slowly got up. She walked up to Gummy, who was sleeping in a wooden basket with a blanket in it and a smaller one on top of the little alligator. Pinkie smiled softly and tapped him on the shoulder.
"Gummy, time to wake up and make ponies," Pinkie sighed and frowned again, "smile..."
Gummy blinked once, then twice and looked at her cross eyed. Pinkie yawned and walked to her dresser. She gasped as she saw her reflection. Her mane was completely flat.
She tried frantically to get it poofy again but to no avail. Everything she tried just didn't work. She gulped as she tried to think of a solution. Nothing came to her mind so she looked up at her mane solemnly.
“I’ll just lie about it…again,” Pinkie said out loud.
Pinkie walked slowly down the steps down to the Sugar Cube Corner kitchen. She sighed before coming into eye sight of the Cakes. She then faked her best smile and said her morning greetings to her Ponyville family.
“Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie said.
“Morning Pinkie…oh my…what’s wrong with your mane, dearie?” Mrs. Cake asked with concern.
Pinkie was expecting her to ask so she smiled at her as best she could and came up with a false explanation for as to why her mane had got flat. “Oh…my mane? Do you like what I’ve done with it? I decided to try a new style out. It was so poofy before and it made me look crazy, don’t you think? It also gets in my eyes when I bake! That’s sooooo annoying. I just thought this would be better!” Pinkie said in a fake hyper tone and with a false smile plastered onto her face.
Everything she did was fake now.
“Oh, did Rarity do it for you?” Mrs. Cake asked.
“Nope! I actually did it…myself,” Pinkie said. She said the last bit quite sadly, which Mrs. Cake noticed.
“Are you aright, Pinkie?”
“Oh, what? Of course I’m alright! Heh, why wouldn’t I be?” Pinkie asked, making herself seem cheery again.
“Alright well, I have a feeling it’s not going to be a very busy day so you can have the day off if you would like,” Mrs. Cake said. Mr. Cake nodded in agreement as he set up tables in the eating area.
“Are you sure?” Pinkie asked, wanting to make sure they weren’t just being nice.
“We are 100% sure, Pinkie Pie,” Mr. Cake interjected. “Go have a good day; you have been working very hard lately anyway. You deserve a nice day off. In fact, I don’t think you’ve had one in some months now.”
“No…I like to keep myself busy and make sure you two don’t over work yourselves. You have two foals and a whole sweet shop to run, after all.”
“We know but on days like today, it’s completely fine for you needing some time for yourself,” Mr. Cake replied.
“Oh…well, if you insist then I guess I can go have some time for myself.” Pinkie thought that maybe a break would help her out of her depressed mood. Maybe some relaxation time would help her.
Pinkie made her way out the door and waved the Cake’s off, leaving them to get ready for the day. Pinkie walked to the spa. It wasn’t her first choice but she thought that maybe some pampering would bring a smile back on her face. She would try anything to be happy again.
“What would you like ma’am?” The spa employee asked Pinkie as she walked up to the counter.
“Just a nice hoof wash and hooficure, and if you have anything for making your mane bouncy again,” Pinkie said as she looked at her flat mane, “I’ll take that too.”
“Of course, miss! We’ll have a spot for you in one moment. Miss Rarity is just about to leave.” She gestured to the beautiful white mare, sparkling from the product they put in her coat and mane. She flipped her mane to show off her now dazzling coat.
“Do I not look smashing, darling?” Rarity asked Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie smiled a tiny smile and nodded.
“You look amazing Rarity, as you always do.”
“Thank you, Pinkie. Well, I’ll let you have your pampering. It looks like you need it,” Rarity said gesturing to Pinkie’s mane. “Are you stressed, darling? Your mane seems to have lost its…poof.”
“Oh well no, I just decided to try out a new style. I just wanna change it up a bit is all. I’ve decided to change it back though. Oh and…make sure you tell the other girls that my mane style may vary now. You know, so they know the reason and stuff and aren’t worried.” Pinkie smiled a nervous smile at Rarity. Rarity nodded halfheartedly and smiled back, not really noticing Pinkie’s odd behavior. She was too busy admiring herself in a mirror close to the vanity she just came from. She was now wearing a beautiful ballroom gown.
“I’ll um, yeah…make sure to do that, Pinkie Pie.” Rarity was tossing her mane back and forth, checking all the curls and angles of it. She then stopped looking at herself long enough to hug Pinkie Pie and start for the door. “I’m off for my date with Fancy Pants! Have a good time, darling! Make sure you try their special today; it’s truly amazing! Kisses!” Rarity yelled as she rushed out the door.
Pinkie smiled at her friend. She was glad she was so happy. Rarity may have been acting a bit rude, but Pinkie knew the reason. She was actually pretty nervous about her date with her coltfriend. Fancy Pants was a very handsome stallion after all. Though she was nervous, Rarity was also very happy to be having a date. Pinkie was glad.
Pinkie sat in the spa chair, closed eyes, feeling the cool misty water on her hooves. She took a deep breath and smiled. It was nice to relax and get pampered. She never took time for herself because she worried about other ponies more than herself.
Suddenly, she felt guilty. Why should she be getting a hooficure and her mane done when other ponies couldn’t afford to eat? She opened her eyes and lifted her hood, making the spa workers stop working on her hooves.
“I’ve changed my mind…I want my payment to go to the next pony who comes in here. Just let them know that Pinkie Pie took care of them and they don’t have to pay for a thing.” Pinkie thought for a moment. If ponies knew that it was her, they might want to pay her back…and she didn’t want them feeling guilty. Pinkie bit her lip before adding something. “Actually…make sure that the ponies don’t know it’s from me. Just say that a friend wanted to pay for their treatment, that is, if you don’t mind?” Pinkie asked politely.
“Of course we don’t, but that’s an expensive treatment, are you sure Miss Pie?” One of the employees asked.
“Completely sure,” Pinkie said matter-of-factly. She put on a small smile and got up from the chair. She walked to the counter, put her bits on the table, and walked out, without saying a thing. She stayed behind and watched to see who would come in next. She wanted to see what pony she was making happy.
After a long while of waiting, nopony was coming. She remembered that it was a slow day. She then got a great idea. She ran as quickly as she could to one of her favorite colts’ houses; Button Mash’s.
She knocked on the door slightly and tapped her hoof. She wasn't that impatient but she wanted to make sure she got this done before somepony else got the treatment.
Soon, Button Mash came to the door, which is what she was expecting.
"Hey Pinkie! What are you doing here, not that I'm not glad to see you of course," Button said.
"Hey Button, it's nice to see you too. I was wondering if your mom is here," Pinkie said, hoping in the worst way that she was.
The reason Pinkie wanted Button Mash's mom was because Button's mom works so much and provides for her children so much that she never has enough time for herself. Pinkie wanted to make her happy.
"Oh yeah, she is, lemme go get her for ya!" Button said happily, as he trotted off to go get her. Pinkie waited as patiently as she could and when Button's mom came out of the door, she smiled slightly.
"Oh why, hello Pinkie, what brings you here?" Button's mom asked.
"I had to tell you that they are giving free spa treatments out to one lucky pony today and I wanted to make sure you knew. You really deserve it with how much you work." Pinkie smiled brightly at Button's mom, not wanting her to suspect that it was her who had paid for the treatment.
"Oh really? That's great! I wish I had the time but I have to watch Button Mash today. His babysitter cancelled on me unexpectedly. Thanks for telling me though," Button's mom said. Pinkie's expression came heartbroken.
"Oh...alright...sorry I bothered you," Pinkie Pie said sadly and then realized that her happy spirit was once again gone. She would have watched Button Mash but she had already promised to do something for Rainbow Dash this afternoon. She then got a goood idea that might cheer her up. "Oh well, why don't I take Button with me to the swimming lake? Rainbow and I are going there and I want you to have a nice day, Mrs. Mash." Pinkie smiled brightly, so hoping she would say yes.
"Well, I really would love that but Button has a dentist appointment this afternoon and I frankly just don't have the time. Thank you so much for the offer though." Button's mom smiled back at Pinkie and the eyed her mane style. "Say Pinkie, what happened to your mane?"
Pinkie barely noticed what she had said. Pinkie was heartbroken once again, the feeling of emptiness overwhelmed her. She knew this feeling all too well. She wasn't able to help her friend. She wasn't able to make a pony happy; a pony who truly deserved it. She felt like she was being stabbed in the heart...over...and over, her blood spilling over everywhere.
She always felt like this with the smallest of things, didn't matter what it was. She didn't do well in something and wasn't able to help. That is all Pinkie saw, was her inability to help somepony smile and be happy.
"Pinkie?" Button's mom questioned.
"Oh um...oh, my mane...I just wanted to style it differently." Pinkie put on the best smile she could do. It was becoming so much harder every time.
"Oh! I like it. Anyway, have a nice day Pinkie and thanks again for offering and telling me about the spa thing!" With that, Button and his mother went inside, closing the door, leaving Pinkie at the door steps.
Pinkie walked home, slowly and dazed in her own negative thoughts and feelings.
Pinkie finally got to Sugar Cube Corner. She slowly went to her room, but Mrs. Cake stopped her, needing to tell her something.
"Oh hello dearie, I wanted you to know that Rainbow Dash came by to tell you something but since you weren't here, she told me to tell you that she won't be able to make it to the swimming lake later. She is meeting with somepony else to do something. She hopes you have a good day and that you two can get together soon though."
Pinkie didn't look up. She stood there at the bottom of the steps, her heart aching. It hurt already and that made it just hurt even worse. She held back tears as she just nodded and mumbled a almost inaudible, "Ok, thanks," and went to her room.
Mrs Cake went back to doing what she was doing, too preoccupied to really notice Pinkie's sad behavior.
Pinkie went to her room, glanced at Gummy as she passed by his basket, sighed at how peaceful he looked and then went to her bed and laid down. She wished she could be like Gummy sometimes, so peaceful and without a care in the world. She closed her eyes and thoughts about how terrible she was and how she should be punished for just...being herself.
She then opened her eyes suddenly. She slowly reached over to her small night stand next to her bed and reached in one of the opening and pulled out her sharpest cake cutting knife.
She got an idea. She had heard of cutting before. She knew ponies did it a lot when they were sad...she never understood it...probably because she had always been such a happy mare before. Now she wondered if it would help her.
She looked from the knife to her arm, and back to the knife again, collecting her thoughts and trying to make a decision about what to do. Would she be able to hide the cuts? Did it even matter? Could she make an excuse? If her friends found out...what would they think? Would they think less of her? She didn't want them to worry...but she felt like she couldn't control her actions or thoughts anymore. Her thoughts were all negative now. She felt as though making herself feel pain and punishing herself was the right thing to do.
She slowly placed the knife on top on the surface of her arm, took a breath, closed her eyes and quickly sliced the knife through her coat and then through her skin, making a line of red liquid drip down her arm. She opened her eyes to see the cut. She smelled the blood and somehow, it calmed her. She sliced again, wincing a little at the slight pain but continuously sliced up her arm, getting used to the feeling. She even found a little pleasure in it. Finally, after seven cuts, she stopped.
She smiled then. Tears fell from her cheeks and onto the floor, but she was smiling. She smiled because she felt that her punishment would make her a better mare. It would help her in the long-run. She felt as though she deserved the pain she had given herself. Besides, it wasn't so bad.
Suddenly there were hoofsteps heard from the stairs. Her eyes went big and she quickly put the knife away, placing her arm behind her back.
She saw a familiar face come up the stairs. It was Fluttershy.
"Hello Pinkie, I was wondering if..." Fluttershy stopped talking because she noticed that a puddle of blood was on the floor. She looked at Pinkie and saw her arm behind her back and looked at her with an unreadable expression. It was fear, surprise and worry all in one. "Pinkie Pie...is that...blood on the floor?"
"Um...no...it's ketchup...I was having a snack and needed to-"
"No, it is not ketchup. I know the difference between blood and ketchup. I am not dumb, Pinkie. Now why is there blood on your bedroom floor?"
"I...I..." Pinkie was at a loss for words so she pulled out her arm and showed Fluttershy the cuts on her now red arm. It didn't even look pink anymore. It was just red all over and still had blood dripping from it.
Fluttershy looked at it with another unreadable stare. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, came up to Pinkie Pie and hugged her, blood getting on her fur. She didn't care. She felt so bad for her friend.
"Pinkie Pie...why wouldn't you tell one of the girls about this? You could have even told me. Why would you even think something like this is okay to do to yourself?" Fluttershy asked, holding back tears, still tightly wrapped around one of her best friends.
"I...I don't know. I just panicked and didn't know what I should do and..." Pinkie then burst into tears and the two slid down onto the floor, crying in the other's arms.
Pinkie needed to let this out. She sobbed and sobbed until she was hyperventilating. Fluttershy soothed her and rubbed her back.
"Shhh, I'm here for you. You don't need to be worried. I'm going to help you get better, Pinkie."
Pinkie paced back and forth. She had been waiting out here for a while and was getting worried that they wouldn't take her after all. Maybe they would be too busy or just not want to help her. Maybe they-
"Pinkamena Diane Pie, Doctor Blueheart will see you now."
Pinkie took a breath and walked over to the door. She looked back and Fluttershy waved her hoof at her and smiled, encouraging her to go forth.
After Fluttershy had saw Pinkie cutting and Pinkie had told her that she had been depressed for a while now and negative thoughts were pretty much all she could ever think about herself, Fluttershy had decided to take her to therapy. It was the same therapist Fluttershy went to for her social anxiety and stage fright. He was related to Nurse Redheart and was the best therapist in Ponyville, maybe even in Equestria.
Fluttershy had also agreed not to tell the other girls until Pinkie Pie was ready to talk about it with them. It was a big time in Pinkie's life and she wanted to be ready when she told them and make sure that they didn't...overreact.
Pinkie went into Doctor Bluehearts's office and sat down on a big, comfy chair.
"He will be here in a moment. Make yourself comfortable and help yourself to the candy on that end table if you would like," the secretary said to Pinkie in the kindest and friendliest voice Pinkie had ever heard. Pinkie forced a smile and picked up a mint from the bowl on the end table. She let it melt in her mouth as she waited for the therapist to come in.
She didn't know what would happen here. She hoped therapy would help her; Fluttershy said it would anyway. She just really wanted to feel like her happy self again and not mopey and depressed. She always felt so empty. She hated feeling that way. She wondered how she was so good at keeping other ponies happy when she was so sad all the time.
Suddenly the door opened and, who Pinkie assumed was Dr. Blueheart walked into the room and sat down on his chair. He pulled his clipboard and pen off his desk and turned to face Pinkie Pie.
"Hello Miss Pie, how are you doing today?" Dr. Blueheart asked.
"Well...to be honest...I'm kind of nervous about this," Pinkie stuttered as she answered him. She was never shy and always loved meeting new ponies but this felt strange and different...she didn't know why but she was just so scared.
"That is perfectly normal in a situation like this. Most patients are very nervous when going to therapy. I mean, a complete stranger hearing about your life and from what most patients tell me, almost judging them."
Pinkie's cheeks turned a shade of red as she nodded.
"Well, I assure you, I will not be 'judging' you. I will be listening and trying to help you as best as I can because I care about each and every one of my patients and I highly doubt you will be any different, Miss Pie," he told her as he smiled a small smile to ease her nerves a bit.
"Thank you...I'm usually used to strangers. I become friends with pretty much everypony but this doesn't really feel the same," Pinkie replied. She rubbed her hoof across her other.
"Oh, so you are a very sociable pony?" He asked, getting to the questions.
"Well, yeah I am...I make friends with so many ponies. I'm friends with everypony here. I love making ponies smile and be happy so I keep track of all the things they love and don't; that way when I throw parties for them, they love them and always have a good time," Pinkie said.
"That's very nice of you. It's good you like helping others. However, I think I can guess what the problem may be here...but I want your opinion first. Where do you think your depression got flamed or started?"
"I don't know...I remember one day feeling kind of sad or down but I had a party to throw so I just kind of shook it off and did what I always do. It just got worse off from there..."
"I see...would you say you ever just take care of yourself and put other ponie's problems on hold?"
"Oh no! I always help others before myself."
"Do you not think that's a problem?"
"I mean...maybe I could think of myself a little more...but I think helping is the right thing to do."
"Miss Pie, don't misunderstand me here, helping is always a good thing and everypony should think like that but if you over work yourself and only think of others, you won't do yourself any good. Also, if you are in a bad shape yourself, one day you won't be able to help anyone, including yourself," Dr. Blueheart explained.
Pinkie stared at Dr. Blueheart. She let it sink in. Could helping others too much be...bad for herself? She tried to understand but then a thought occurred. She couldn't understand this because she was stupid. She was an idiot. Tears rolled down her cheeks and onto the floor.
"Miss Pie, are you alright?"
"I...I don't know..." Pinkie Pie stuttered and started to cry. It was soft at first and then it turned into sobs. Then she broke down and fell on the floor. She felt like she couldn't get up and didn't even want to.
Dr. Blueheart had seen similar cases like this before but every time something like this happened, he always felt so bad for his patients. He stayed calm as Pinkie continued to sob her eyes out.
After about five minutes of continuous crying, she finally stopped and sat up, leaning on the couch, trying to stand up and sit back on the couch. When Dr. Blueheart noticed how much she was struggling, he helped her up on the couch and patted her back a little. He didn't want to show too much affection or sympathy, considering he didn't know what she needed yet.
"Miss Pie, are you alright?" He asked once more, with a more serious but also concerned tone.
"I...I think so...I just..." She stuttered and started staring blankly at the walls.
"How are you feeling right now? Can you describe any thoughts going through your head?" He asked.
"I feel stupid and worthless. I feel like I shouldn't even be alive..." Pinkie said with no emotion in her usually hyper and high pitched voice. Now her voice sounded flat and empty.
"Well, I'm going to tell you right now, you're most certainly not worthless or stupid, Miss Pie. You are able to plan parties and make ponies so happy. Not to mention your organization skills of keeping track of ponies birthday's and what they like and don't like. You're an expert party planner and from what I know about you personally and heard, you're a great friend. Miss Pie, you have been part of saving Equestria several times and are an important part of Equestrian history. You are not worthless."
Pinkie tried to listen to what he had to say. It made her smile a tiny bit which was definitely an improvement. She started to actually feel a bit less worthless. She smiled at him and cleared her throat. It was a little dry and worn out from crying so much.
"Thank you, Dr. Blueheart. That helps a lot actually. I just sometimes get in these moods where I don't feel happy or smart or worth anything. I don't know why but they kind of just happen. It's hard to find a cause and even harder to get rid of the feeling," Pinkie explained.
"I understand it's difficult but that's why I'm here. I will help you through this, Miss Pie. Plus, you have some very nice friends that will help you get through this as well. If you ever feel sad and you can't make an appointment with me, talk to your friends. They care about you and will help you feel better about yourself. Even if it's temporary, you will get happier and happier as we meet more and you get more help. I'm very glad you started coming to me. We will get you happy again, Pinkie. I promise you. I don't want you feeling this way anymore and I know none of your friends do either," Dr Blueheart said, showing a lot of sympathy and compassion for this mare.
Pinkie smiled even wider. Seeing somepony care so much and being reminded of how much her friends loved her, really helped her feel better. She knew this wouldn't last forever but it was nice for the moment and she was going to savor the happiness. She was starting to realize that savoring happiness would be the best thing she could do for herself.
"I appreciate that a lot, doc. I am so glad Fluttershy had me come here. I don't know what I would have done if Fluttershy wouldn't have found me that day I was harming myself."
"I'm very glad she did find you. Though, I don't want you to do that anymore. I know you may be tempted and thoughts in your head may tell you that you should but it's not true, I assure you. Nobody deserves to feel that awful about themselves; especially not you, Miss Pie. You are a good pony and deserve a lot of happiness. I want you to know that spreading happiness to other ponies is good but make sure it doesn't effect you in negative ways," Dr. Blueheart started to explain more.
"Now, it's almost time for you to be dismissed home so I want to give you an assignment. I will give you these every time you see me." Pinkie nodded. Dr Blueheart smiled and kept going. "Every time you plan a party, make sure that you're having a good time too, not just the people who are having the party. Give yourself time to relax and have fun. You work hard on the parties you plan and deserve it. It's also alright getting help if you feel too stressed. Basically, start thinking of yourself a little more. That's all I want from you for now."
Pinkie thought about it for a moment and didn't think that would be all that hard. She would definitely try as hard as she could. She knew she had to do whatever Dr. Blueheart thought was fit.
Pinkie then stood up from the couch and made her way to the door. "Will do, doc! Thanks again for this help and oh, when should we meet again?"
He smiled and looked at his clipboard. "How's same time and day next week?" He asked her. She nodded and smiled. He wrote it down quickly on his piece of paper.
With that, she opened the door and closed it behind her as she made her way back to Fluttershy, who was waiting patiently in the waiting room.
