He went into the Everfree to prove himself a brave stallion. He would be a stallion amongst colts. He would be respected. He would be cursed and miserable. Welcome to Snails 1/2, a Ranma 1/2 spoof.
This story started with a single realization. The voice actor for both Snails and Ranma happened to be the same person.
Snails 1/2 is a Ranma 1/2 spoof. Not actually a crossover, this is the story of Snails dealing with a Jusenkyo style curse. When hit with cold water he... becomes a filly. As if that wasn't horrifying enough, he quickly finds himself caught between rivalries, forced into competitions, and now he feels like he is developing a severe phobia of water.
With artwork by Alkarasu and edited by Swyrl, this is a story made as a pure slice of life comedy in the style of anime.
“Escargot, you’re up.” Mayor Mare said smiling brightly. The filly was new around here, but there was no requirement that participants needed to be residents of Ponyville.
Diamond Tiara looked on, growling. Her teeth were clenched tight as she scowled, watching the beautiful filly. She was going to get her somehow. There was no way a little blank flank was going to beat her.
“Come on Escargot, we believe in you!” Sweetie Belle said, bouncing on the spot.
“Kick her flank!” Scoots cheered on.
“Please Escargot, we really need you to put her in her place. She’s such a bully at times. It would be so nice if you can show her up for once.” Apple Bloom sat and looked at Escargot sticking out her lower lip in a pout. “Even if you don’t win we’ll be here for you.”
“Celestia, how did I ever get into this?” Escargot mumbled, “I don’t want to be here…”
Snails ½: The Toast of the Town
“It’s Zap Apple Day!” Apple Bloom said bounding past Snails in her bunny suit, her tail wiggling as she hopped along. The rest of the Cutie Mark Crusaders followed in tow laughing and cheering, Zap Apple day was always a big thing.
Diamond Tiara laughed and shook her head, “Oh how cute, the blank flanks are in their stupid outfits again.”
Scootaloo stopped and stuck her tongue out at Diamond Tiara, “Yeh but you had to wear that outfit last year.”
“And I still looked better in it then you blank flanks.” She stuck her nose in the air. “Besides, I bet even those no brains could pick zap apples.”
With a flick of her nose she pointed over to Snips and Snails who were playing in the mud with a ball.
“Picking zap apples is hard and dangerous.” Apple Bloom said.
“Remember your grandmother’s own story? As a little filly she just wandered into the woods and picked them. It doesn’t sound hard.” Diamond said sticking her nose in the air.
“Then why don’t you do it?” Apple Bloom said with a huff.
“Because picking fruits is for common ponies. You don’t see a princess picking apples.” Diamond Tiara said chuckling
“We are NOT common ponies. And you are not a princess.” Scootaloo said stomping a hoof.
“I will be tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll be the toast of the town. The princess herself is coming down for the Harvest Festival. She’ll be awarding a crown for the cutest filly.” Diamond turned flicking her tail.
“I really hate her.” Sweetie Belle grumbled.
Snips perked his ears watching the girls then laughed looking at Snails. “Hear that? Even we could pick zap apples.”
“Nuh uh, I ain’t goin near those woods.” Snails said shaking his head.
“You a coward?” Snips asked laughing.
“No, but I don’t wanna run into another Ursa Minor. Not without The Great and Powerful Trixie around.”
“I dare you to get one.” Snips poked Snails side.
“No...”
“I double dare you, you coward. Don't be a scared little filly.” Snips said and sat in the mud.
“Fine, I’ll show you I’m no coward.”
Turning Snails headed for the Everfree. “You coming?”
“No way you’re the one who was dared, just bring back an apple and prove you’re not a coward.”
Snails trotted into the forest. Looking around he moved through the brush and trees. According to Apple Bloom’s grandmother they weren’t far into the forest. Snails wandered looking around. The sounds of the Everfree filled the air. There were many creatures that lived in the woods, but the tymberwolves were most active during zap apple time.
But he wasn’t some scared little filly, he was Snails. He could do this. Looking around, he walked slowly uphill. There were trees and vines. There were flowers and weeds. There were even ponds, but he couldn’t see any apples.
The further into the woods he got, the darker it became. Taking a deep breath, he stopped and looked up. Finally he saw what he was looking for: a zap apple tree. As he approached, he heard a noise, but looking around, saw nothing. He put his forelegs on the tree and reached up. Just as he bit the apple, something snarled.
Dropping down with the apple in his mouth, he slowly turned. There stood a large tymberwolf, its green eyes glowing in rage, the smell of its mossy breath filling the air. At this point, there was only one thing Snails could do. He had no choice.
He ran. He ran for his life. All he had to do was make it back out of the woods and he would be safe. At least he hoped it would stop at the edge of the woods. That’s what old Granny Smith said in her story. And stories are always true.
Ducking under a tree branch, he kept running. He heard it snarling behind him. He could hear it getting closer and closer. His legs hurt, his chest burned; he was giving it everything he had, and it wasn’t enough. The howl behind him was so close.
Chancing a glance back, he saw the wolf almost on top of him. It was snapping at his tail. He wasn’t going to make it. This was it.
His hoof went off the edge of the slope and he started tumbling. Rolling down the embankment he hit the water hard. So hard he saw stars. His horn hurt and he could hardly move his legs. As he reached the edge of the pond, he heard the wolf howl once more before he lost consciousness.
***
“Is she ok, grandfather?” The young fawn said, tilting his head.
The filly moaned, softly rubbing her cheek against the grass.
“I think so. Ponies; why do they trespass so much?” The wizened old stag said shaking his head.
Sitting up the filly rubbed her horn whimpering softly, “Ow. What happened?”
“You fell down into the pond.” The fawn said giggling.
Looking down at her foreleg the filly blinked. Holding out it she held up her other foreleg she scampered backwards and fell onto her back squeaking. “What’s wrong with me?”
“What do you mean?” The fawn said looking confused.
“My fur color! It’s changed! my tail color my…” blinking she looked at her hip. “I’m a blank flank…”
Looking at himself, he saw his fur had gone to a soft peach color. His normally short, scruffy mane and tail had become long and flowing, two-tone pink. He still had his long legs, but they were slender now, graceful. And his cutie mark was gone. This just wasn’t right.
“Blank? Flank?” The fawn said looking up at his grandfather.
“It mean she not have a cutie mark, a mark on hip that shows her special talent.”
“She? She!!??” The filly started running in circles, trying to see her tail. “I’m a colt, I’m not a she.”
“Ah, I see, you fall in cursed spring, very tragic story. Young filly chased into spring by timber-wolves 1000 years ago. Now it said whoever fall into spring become filly. Hot water may turn you back to colt but cold water will turn you back to filly.” The old stag said and turned starting to walk towards Thicket.
Looking at the filly, the fawn shrugged. Bounding up he looked up at his grandfather again. “Why are you talking like that?”
With a chuckle his grandfather looked down. “Because I never liked ponies.”
“Oh Celestia, oh Celestia… What’s Snips going to say? What’re my mom and dad going to say? I can’t be a filly, I’m Snails!”
Sitting down, Snails looked at the strange reflection in the water. The filly looked nothing like him, at least in color. It looked closer to the pictures of filly Celestia some ponies drew, or maybe Fleur De Lis, the fashion model. Though his body type was already the long leg and slender type those had.
Whimpering softly Snails looked around. Hot water… The stag had said hot water… He had to get home somehow.
Running from tymberwolves seemed easy now in comparison. Snails made his way to the edge of town. It was already getting dark, so he had a chance. He could slip home unnoticed easily. There wouldn’t be an issue then; he’d be safe.
With just his muzzle showing, he looked towards the town. Just one hoof in front of the other. He thought, it shouldn’t be hard. No pony is around, and if they see me, they probably won’t think about it.
Snails ½ The Girl on the Go
“Hi there!” Scootaloo chirped happily, startling him and sending him jumping right out into the open, shivering.
“Aww, you scared her.” Sweetie Belle said. “And I told you the shortcut would work.”
“Yeh, I almost got my tail chewed off.” Scoots picked up the rear and wiggled her tail, looking back at it.
“I told you two, don’t use the Everfree this week. It’s zap apple week.” Apple Bloom said trotting up to the 3 girls. Apparently Scoots and Belle found somepony else in the Everfree.
“Yeh, but it’s the fastest way to your farm.” Scoots said. “And at least we got the pink paint for Granny.”
“Yer new around here.” Looking back to the new filly, Apple Bloom tilted her head. “Wow, you’re a blank flank too!”
“I… I guess.” Snails said, looking at his flank and gulping.
“Cool! We have a new member for the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”
“It’ll be so great! We can do all sort of things!” Sweetie Belle said.
Looking around quick Snails make break for it, “I’ve gotta go. It’s getting late.”
“Wait!” Scoots said.
Watching her run, the 3 girls looked at each other, then started chasing her. They couldn’t let a young filly wander around alone. It wasn’t safe.
As Snails ducked around the corner of the Apple’s Farmhouse, he was broadsided by a huge gout of hot water gushing from their kitchen. The shock and impact made him tumble to the ground as he heard Granny inside.
“Dag Nabit, the water needs to be sung to longer. It just doesn’t smell right.”
He looked at his forelegs, and saw he was a colt again. Standing up quickly, he ran in a circle trying to make sure he was all there.
Scootaloo skidded to a stop and blinked. “Where’d she go?”
Apple Bloom sat down grumbling, “We didn’t get her name.”
Snails blinked and looked at the girls.
“Did you see where she went to?” Scootaloo asked Snails.
“Umm, who?” Snails tried to play innocent.
“The pretty peach colored filly.” Apple Bloom said.
“She looked like a princess, just without wings.” Scoots said.
“I really liked her mane.” Everypony just looked at Sweetie Belle when she said that.
“It’s late and mom wants me home early.” Snails said.
“Are you going to help with the zap apples tomorrow?” Apple Bloom asked tilting her head.
Zap apples, the bet, he lost his zap apple. With a full facehoof Snails groaned. “Maybe, if mom says I have time.”
Turning, he headed towards the town. It wasn’t a problem now. He was safe: no monsters, no tymberwolves. He found himself relaxing as he entered Ponyville.
Trotting down the streets, he finally saw his house. Everything was easy from here on in, just walk in the front door. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything was normal. His parents would never find out.
Cold water covered him as the sound of the sprinklers went off. Looking down at his forelegs he groaned and saw the peach fur return. Well, the front door was off limits now. He needed to find another way in.
Groaning, Snails opened his bedroom window and dove inside. It was a little work to get through, but once in, he tumbled to the floor.
“Snails, is that you? Are you done playing with Snips?”
Opening his door he looked around and gulped once, “Umm, yes mom.”
“Snails, is something wrong with your voice?”
Diving into the bathroom he quickly turned on the shower to hot and got in the water. It was a touch too hot, but it seemed to work: the new colors washed out, and his old color washed back in. Finally he was back to male, and safe.
“How was your day Snails?”
“It was ok mom.”
“Did anything interesting happen?”
Thinking back Snails shook his head as he dried off. “Nope, boring day.”
How could he tell his mom? It was horrible.
Heading to his room he looked at some of his old story books fairy tales.
Sitting down, he found one other story of a pony cursed to change forms. He lay down and began to read about it…
“And for her safety, she was locked away in the highest tower in the farthest keep, protected by a giant dragon.” Shivering snails wondered if that would be his face if his parents or other adults found out… would he be locked away?
He curled up and fell asleep.
***
“Derpy, we are going to need every pegasi this summer for help with weather work.”
The mailmare saluted, “Yes ma’am. What do you need me to do?”
“Practice rain making on a small scale: little clouds at first.”
“I’ll get started right away. Don’t worry, I won’t mess this up.” Derpy said with pride.
“Just don’t do it during the festival. Whatever you do Derpy, don’t dump a cloud on the princess.”
“You can count on me.” Turning, the mare flew out, filled with pride. They needed her, and she wouldn’t fail them.
***
“Snails, oh Snails, wake up!”
Snails rolled out of bed. Maybe last night was just a bad memory. Looking down at his foreleg he sighed. Yep, still orange. Standing, he trotted out into the hall and down to the dining room.
Looking down, his mom shook her head. “Have breakfast first, but afterwards I want you to get dressed up. Remember, the Princess is coming for the celebration today.”
“But mom, I didn’t have to get dressed for the last few celebrations.”
“Well the princess wasn’t there for those.” His mom said firmly. It wasn’t actually possible for Princess Celestia to show up to every single celebration in Ponyville. As it was, there was probably one every week and twice as many on special occasions.
After his cereal and toast, he headed back into his room. Dressed up meant, of course, his white shirt and dark blue jacket. He hated getting dressed up. The hardest part was making sure the buttons all lined up properly. Finally, he trotted down and sat for his mother to inspect him.
Walking around him 3 times, his mother made sure his jacket was lint free, not wrinkled, and, of course, on properly before nodding. “Perfect. Now head to the town hall, I will meet you there in about 10 minutes. And no playing along the way.”
“Yes mom.”
Trotting out, he looked around. Ponies were already gathering. There were balloons, and the main street was a mess. His best option at this point was one of the side streets. Turning, he started following one of the curving streets.
He was just passing Carousel Boutique when he noticed it getting dark. Glancing up, he saw the rain coming down fast. In less than a second, he was drenched. His forelegs had turned back to a peach color again. Shaking himself out, he groaned and looked up. Over the rim of the cloud, Derpy looked down, “Oops, my bad. Sorry, I was moving the cloud and… hit it a little too hard.”
He still had more than enough time to get home, have a hot shower and get back in time for the celebration. Turning he went to run when he felt himself get wrapped in magic.
“Oh dear, you poor, poor thing. Look at you, you look absolutely atrocious. Derpy, you really need to be more careful.” Rarity looked mournfully at Snails.
Oh no, not Rarity. Any pony but Rarity. Wiggling his forehooves, he tried to run, but was stuck. She was not letting go, and was looking at him in a weird way.
“And that outfit, it is just not proper for such a pretty young filly. Come inside, I’ll fix you up, free of charge.” Turning she trotted inside the boutique.
Had it been any other town, this might have looked suspicious, or got the attention of the town guard, but this was Ponyville; the weirdness capital of all of Equestria. So the drag marks leading into the front door of a shop was not the strangest thing to see.
Once inside, Rarity’s magic was shockingly fast. Before he could even protest, she had his mane and tail dried, brushed, and styled. The pink and purple mane flowed and sparkled around his neck. Next was the dress.
It took several tries before she settled on a very light grey (or was that light blue?) dress. Snails never could tell colors very well, and this one was extremely tough. It was soft and light, with a heavier, dark blue sash that went down either side of the flank and came up to meet in a bow over his back. The dress also had matching blue sleeves and collar. A series of pale white fabric roses under the neck, and a silver rose clasp in the mane behind her ear finished off the look.
“Oh there you go, perfect! You will definitely be the belle of the ball.” She stated, proud of her work.
“But…” Snails tried to protest.
“No buts about it. Don’t worry, its free. Just remember: if anyone asks, it’s an original, call it Rarity's Belle Princesse.”
Nosing the young filly out the door Rarity looked on with pride.
Snails found himself looking at the crowds. There was no time now. He was doomed.
“Why do you even bother showing up? You don’t even stand a chance.” Spoon added in.
“Well... well… We know a filly far prettier than Diamond Tiara.” Sweetie Belle said stomping her hoof once. “And she’s a blank flank too!”
“Prettier than me? Who could possibly be prettier than ME?” Diamond Tiara scoffed.
“HER!” Scootaloo pointed at Snails.
“I’ve got to get home, I’ve got to get out of this dress.” Snails mumbled, trying to find a way through the crowd of ponies.
“Wow.” Silver Spoon said, before getting hip checked by Diamond Tiara.
“She’s not that pretty.” Diamond sneered. “It’s just the dress.”
Apple Bloom ran over to Snails, “We need your help.”
“Mine? But I…” Apple Bloom was strong for her size. Must’ve been all that apple bucking training. Snails found himself quickly dragged over to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“Daddy, get me a new dress. Now!” Diamond Tiara said and pointed to The Carousel Boutique.
“I’m sorry dear, but the boutique is closed right now. Rarity must be in the crowd somewhere. You’re just going to have to make do with one of your older dresses.” Her father said.
She scowled even harder at Snails, “Oh I will NOT be shown up. At least she’s not competing.”
Snails gulped once then looked around. He had no idea what had started this, or why he was involved, but…
“Today we will be having the first ever Zap Apple Harvest Festival. We have chosen to celebrate this day because of the important role Zap Apples played in our town’s founding.” Mayor Mare called out from the podium.
Around the town circle, ponies stomped and cheered.
“And to kick things off, we are having our very first Princess of the Harvest Pageant!” The mayor continued looking around at the cheering faces.
“Our very own Filthy Rich has nominated his daughter as the first entry to the pageant.” The mayor called out, “Are there any other nominations?”
Stepping forward Amethyst Star called out, “I nominate Dinky!”
Golden Harvest called out, “Noi, I nominate Noi.”
“Are there any other nominations?” Mayor Mare said smiling brightly at the foals.
Jumping onto Apple Blooms back Scootaloo waved her hoof high in the air. “I nominate her!”
Her? Snails looked for the pony Scootaloo was pointing at. Slowly turning his head side to side he had a very very bad feeling.
“No, Mayor Mare! She can’t compete! She’s not a resident of Ponyville.” Diamond Tiara protested, scowling at the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“I’m sorry Diamond Tiara, but it has been decided that the contest will not be limited to residents because citizens of Cloudsdale might want to compete too.” Mayor Mare said. “May I have your name, please?”
“My… name?” looking around all eyes, every eye in the town fell on Snails. He had to think fast, he had to come up with a name, had to do something to keep everyone from finding out. “Umm, Escargot?”
“Ohhhh, even her name’s in fancy.” Apple Boom said, smiling at Diamond Tiara.
“Would you like to come up on stage then Escargot?” Mayor Mare said patiently.
“Umm, do I have a choice?”
Apple Bloom walked around and sat in front of Escargot, “Diamond Tiara’s a bully. She needs to be taught a lesson and you’re the only one that can do it. We believe in you.”
“Yeh, and think of it this way.” Scootaloo said, fluttering her wings, “You might even get your cutie mark for this.”
Looking back at his flank for a mere moment gave the Cutie Mark Crusaders all the time they needed. The three of them repositioned themselves in front of Escargot, giving her their best Sad Filly Eyes™. “Please?”
Whimpering, Escargot slowly walked up on stage. Compared to the other girls, he was taller, but that was mostly leg length. Sighing once more, he looked towards Mayor Mare.
“Good. As a special award, today’s Princess will be named by the real princess. Princess Celestia!”
Everyone in Ponyville cheered. Princess Celestia would be naming the winner herself! What greater honor could there be for a little filly?
“Oh no, no no no no no no no.” Escargot mumbled, Princess Celestia, why did it have to be her? Why not Twilight… Yeah, Twilight would have been so much safer. The Princess of the Sun herself, though. She’d find out for sure!
Looking for an escape, all Escargot could see was rows and rows of ponies, watching him.
“The first part is the gown. You’ll have 10 min to get into your gowns. Escargot, since you’re ready now, you may go first.” Mayor Mare said.
As the other girls left the stage, Escargot turned to face the crowd.
With a squee, Rarity bounded up onto the stage beside her. The first Zap Apple Harvest Princess wearing her dress, and honored by the princess herself, her dress would be in all the best magazines.
“This dress is from my Summer Sun collection. As you can see, the subtle patterns in the fabric change based on how she stands, as well as the light reflecting off her sides.” Smiling Rarity helped Escargot move around the stage to show off her dress.
“You may notice that it accents her long legs, as well as perfectly suiting her mane and fur color. The material stretches and breathes, allowing her to move freely, without it bunching where it shouldn’t.”
“How… how did this happen?” Escargot whimpered as he found himself being photographed. Maybe he could escape while the other girls were on stage.
Finally Rarity finished showing off her dress. No harm, no damage done. Now she could escape. Carefully slipping off the stage, Escargot made her way through the crowd. Slipping right past his mom, he looked up. She was obviously trying to find him. With a huff he ran the last distance home. Getting undressed in his room he bounded into the shower again.
One hot shower later and he was himself again. Shaking himself off he quickly headed outside. Right into his mom.
“You’re late! You’re missing the whole thing! And where’s your jacket?” She said looking, sternly at him.
“My jacket? It’s, it’s...” Closing his eyes he thought for a second. “Its… at Rarity’s…”
“Oh, did it need altering?” His mom looked sternly.
“She said it didn’t look right on me.” Snails sighed, happily leaving out the part where she decided a dress would look sooo much better.
“Well come on then, let’s get you to the festival.”
Walking back, Snails could see Diamond Tiara showing off one of her older dresses to the crowd, acting as snooty as ever.
Dinky had apparently already gone up, and was sitting in the background in her cute little dress.
Snails could see the Cutie Mark Crusaders in a panic looking for Escargot. He kind of felt bad for them, but there was really nothing he could do. They would just have to accept Diamond Tiara as princess.
“Thank you girls, next will be the speech phase. Each girl will be asked a question, and expected to respond.” Smiling cheerfully Mayor Mare called out. “First up will be…”
A sudden downpour hit part of the crowd as Derpy was moving her cloud away from town. “Ooops, sorry. It sort of got away from me.” She called down to several dripping ponies.
Sighing softly, Escargot looked up at Derpy, her mane wet and hanging down against her sides.
Narrowing her eyes, Diamond Tiara spotted her enemy. That little tramp was pulling the wet mane look now; that’s totally cheating.
Princess Celestia narrowed her eyes. She had heard things like this before, and it brought back bad memories. She had already banished one pony for this. She had seen how things like this change ponies, how the change could overcome them.
Twilight shook her head. Something about this pony just didn’t sit well. There was that curse that enveloped the filly. Normally, there was only one way to deal with such a thing, but Fluttershy was away, so she couldn’t use the elements.
Mayor Mare was careful to make her notes. As the third judge, her vote did count, however, she really hoped she wouldn’t be voting against the princesses.
Princess Celestia looked to Princess Twilight and sighed, “Well, looks like both of us can see her for who she really is.”
Snails ½ The Star of the Show
“Dinky, please take the stage and answer a simple question.” Mayor Mare smiled bright, “Why do you want to be the Harvest Princess?”
Dinky took the stage first and smiled. She was a little timid to talk, but did her best to put on a smile. Looking to the judges, then the crowd, she took a deep breath, “Hi! I’m Dinky. My big sister nominated me because mom always calls me her little princess. Mom can’t be here today because the weather board has her training and helping out, but I want to be the Harvest Princess so I can make her proud!”
“It’s not easy being the daughter of a pegasus and not be a pegasus myself. It means she has to be grounded more, but that time makes her all the more special to me. She’s the best mom ever, because she spends time on the ground just for me. I want to be princess so I can give back to her. So I can show her I love her. And so I can give her something else to be proud of.”
Nodding once, she trundled back to have a seat, smiling brightly.
“Ok Noi, it’s your turn. Please come up and tell us why you want to be a princess.”
Noi trotted up and bowed to the crowd. She was scared, but tried her best to put on a front of happiness. She flipped her mane once as she started to speak, “Hi, I’m Noi. I’m Golden Harvest’s little sister. I’d like to be princess for the day so I can see what it’s like to be a royal, to be pampered and treated like one. It would be so neat.”
Standing proud, Noi giggled “I think I’d be a good princess, and handle the responsibilities well. I could share the experience with my friends and classmates, tell them what it was like, show them that even the littlest of us can be lucky enough to be a princess. I may be a common earth pony and farm girl like Apple Bloom, but it would be nice to show Equestria that even WE can be nobles for a day.”
“Thank you Noi.” Mayor Mare said, looking over.
Turning, Noi went and sat with Dinky giving her a hug.
“Escargot, could you come up here?” Mayor Mare said smiling bright.
Slowly Escargot walked up onto stage, her mane still dripping slightly from Derpy’s accident. Turning to the judges’ table, she whimpered.
“It’s ok, we just have a simple question for you. Why do you want to be a princess?”
Looking around, Escargot swallowed nervously. Looking at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, she sighed. She couldn’t do this. It didn’t matter how much they needed her… him… he had to get out of there.
Shaking his head slowly, he looked at the judges, then the crowd. “I don’t. I don’t deserve to be a princess. It’s not who or what I am.” Sighing, he looked back at the CMC’s. “I’m only here because my friends wanted me, needed me here. I’m not smart like Princess Twilight Sparkle, I’m not wise or regal like Princess Celestia or Princess Luna. I’m just a little pony.”
“I’m sorry if I’m letting them down, but Noi is so gentle and beautiful. And Dinky, Dinky here has such a huge heart. They should be seen for what they are. They are so much more worthy than me to be the princess, and they want it for the right reasons.”
With a quick nod, Escargot backed away and turned to sit by Noi.
Noi blinked at Escargot, then hugged her tightly, on the verge of tears.
“Oh darn it, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you Noi. I should have just kept my mouth shut.” Sighing, Escargot looked down.
Twilight and Celestia shared a look, writing down things, as did Mayor Mare. There was a lot of quiet discussion between them, and a few surprised looks.
Shaking his head slowly Escargot's mind was running in circles. Good. Everyone knows I’m not looking to win. I apologized, I turned down the offer; I’ve got nothing to worry about. I even suggested Noi or Dinky win. That should make the CMC happy. Now all I need to do is get home and have a shower. Again. Wow, I’m taking more showers than a filly.
Taking center stage was, unquestionably, Diamond Tiara. She didn’t even need to be asked. Strutting up with an air of authority, her head held high, she nodded to the judges and the crowd. Smiling brightly and full of confidence, she took a moment to clear her throat before beginning,
“Hello everypony; noble judges, royalty. I am Diamond Tiara.” Smiling she turned sideways to show of her cutie mark.
“I was born here in Ponyville. Ever since Ponyville was founded, my family has been the upper crust, the nobility of this town, ensuring everypony was able to buy what they needed. I won my first pageant when I was little, and it was then that I realized my destiny: to be a winner, a princess. My crown proves that.”
Turning back to face the judges she flipped her mane, “I deserve to be princess because it’s my calling, my cutie mark. As princess, I will hold my position with the dignity and honor that mere commoners could not understand.”
“I will do my duty as princess to the best of my ability, and ensure the crown is properly taken care of.” Flipping her head she turned and took a seat with the girls, regally. Casting a glance to Escargot she sneered once, “Now THAT is how a speech is done.”
“Would all 4 girls stand on stage please?” Mayor Mare smiled at the fillies.
Looking to CMCs, she saw them cheering her on. Apple Bloom pouted, looking up at her “Even if you don’t win, we’re here for you.”
“Celestia, how did I ever get into this?” Escargot mumbled, “I don’t want to be here…”
Walking up onto stage with the other girls, she backed up a few steps to make sure she was at the back. Hopefully Noi would win, or maybe Dinky. Oh, if Dinky won, her mom would be so proud of her! Either way, Diamond Tiara wouldn’t win.
If she did, well. That’s good too ‘cause at least it would keep Escargot out of trouble.
“The princess of the Zap Apple Harvest Festival will receive her very own crown, a tour of the castle here in Ponyville, and another of Canterlot Castle itself. While there, she will receive the pampering of a true princess, meet the foals of other noble families, and eat only the best food.”
Princess Celestia stood and smiled brightly, “Thank you all; this was lovely to watch and to hear, and it makes me proud of all of you. It was a tough choice, but we have finally agreed on a winner.”
Looking at the fillies, she nodded “Our runner up will be Dinky. Her love and heart shone through, and she deserves her own tiara to go home with.”
Walking up to the stage, Twilight put a little shining tiara on Dinky’s head and hugged her. “Congratulations! I’m sure your mom will be very proud of you.”
“That leaves the winner, who will be a princess for a day. It was a hard choice, but in the end there was only one destined to win this crown.”
Head high, Diamond Tiara stood up and strode forward to claim her prize.
“Princess Escargot, please step forward.”
Frozen with disbelief, Diamond Tiara threw a venomous glare back at Escargot.
Unable to move, Snails simply stood there. How? Why? He didn’t want this…
The CMC’s charged up, hugging Escargot from all sides and pushing her forward to receive her prize.
“You won! You beat her!” Sweetie Belle said.
“You kicked flank!” Scootaloo cheered.
Gently, Celestia laid the crown on Escargot's head.
“Tomorrow, you’ll wake up and be treated like princess all day long.” Celestia said, smiling.
Narrowing her eyes, Diamond Tiara snarled, “I WILL destroy you.”
“You will be treated to a day at Celestia’s favorite spa, including the very best hot bath treatments, access to the hot tub, mane washings, hoof treatments and more.”
“H…h…hot baths…” Escargot whimpered.
“Yes, with Celestia herself. Food and drinks will be available.”
Escargot gulped. This wasn’t happening; this couldn’t be happening. He had to escape.
“The train will be leaving at 8 AM. Don’t be late- we don’t want to have to send the royal guard searching for you.” Raven said, and cheerfully trotted back to the station.
Snails ½ The type of Pony
“Princess Escargot, is there anyone you want to invite on your tour of the castle?” Twilight asked, smiling down at the filly.
“Can the Cutie Mark Crusaders join me? And why not bring Noi, Dinky, and Diamond Tiara? They worked every bit as hard as I did, if not harder.”
“I will not take handouts.” Diamond Tiara said, storming off to see her father.
“Well, just Noi and Dinky then.” Escargot said.
Smiling brightly, Twilight nodded, “Well, if you want to share your special time with all of them, let’s go.”
Dinky and Noi hugged Escargot, tightly crying against her.
“I did it again didn’t I? I said something wrong.”
“I think you just made friends.” Twilight said as she walked into the castle.
Looking back at the clock, Escargot gulped nervously. His mom was going to kill him if he was late for dinner. What else could go wrong?
“This is my new library. My friends and I moved what books could be salvaged from the Golden Oaks here, but, sadly, we had to make do with some replacements.” Twilight said, “Here you can find anything from history books to cures for curses.”
“Cures?” Both of Escargot’s ears shot up.
“Yes Princess, but you have to know exactly what curse is affecting the person. The wrong cure can do more harm than good.” Twilight said as she led them to the dining room.
Gulping once again, Escargot wondered just how much more damage could be caused.
“This is the throne room where the Elements meet.” Twilight said.
“EEE! That’s my sister’s chair!” Sweetie Belle said, scampering onto the throne.
“Oh cool, Dash sits there!” Scootaloo zipped across and sat down pretending to be Dash.
Apple Bloom laughed and hopped into Apple Jack’s chair, “Look’et me, I’m the element of honesty.”
Dinky and Noi sat and watched the CMC’s sit in their hero’s thrones.
Scuffing her hoof, Escargot sighed, then gently pushed Dinky towards Pinkie Pie’s throne. “For the joy and laughter you bring your mom, I think you should sit there.” Then looking at Noi he nosed her once to Fluttershy’s. “Kindness and caring is in your heart.”
The two girls squeed and took their seats, looking proud.
Escargot felt herself lifted by magic and placed in Twilight’s chair. “Well, since you demonstrate the magic of friendship, you sit there. SPIKE! OH SPIKE!”
A moment later, Spike came in, wheeling a large cart with an array of nachos, cakes, and other assorted treats on it.
While the girls talked about the contest and Diamond Tiara’s striking resemblance to an ogre, Escargot simply sat quietly.
“What is on your mind, Princess?” Twilight asked gently.
“I’m not really a princess, and I’m worried my mom’s going to be mad at me for being late.” He said.
“Oh, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind knowing you were here with me. Who’s your mom? I’ll talk to her.”
Opening her mouth, Escargot blinked, closing it again. He couldn’t give her mom’s name and get away with it. He supposed he’d just have to deal with it when he got home.
“It’s ok, I can explain it.” He said smiling.
Spike tripped, dropping a cream cake against Escargot’s side, leaving a big splotch on her coat.
“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry Princess! Here, let me get some hot water to wash it off.”
“NO!” Escargot looked panicked. “I mean- no, I can do it myself. Where’s your bathroom?”
“I’ll show you.” Spike said, leading the way.
Walking into the bathroom, Escargot was amazed at how big it was. It was the size of their living room and kitchen combined. He quickly found the sink: a large water basin with 2 long knobs. Leaning over, he turned on the hot water.
There was an explosion, and hot water went everywhere! On the plus side, his coat was now clean, on the other hoof, it was his coat, not Escargot’s. He desperately tried to turn it off, but the knob was stuck.
“Princess, are you ok in there?”
“Umm, I’m fine!” Snails said, desperately trying to shut it off.
“Is there something wrong with your voice?”
“Come on, come on, turn off, Celestia please turn off.” Snails said.
“Hang on a sec, I’m getting Twilight.”
“Oh no, oh no, oh no…” Looking around terrified, Snails was in full panic mode. If she walked in and saw him like this… He’d end up in a cage in the dungeon. Or worse, banished. He couldn’t get banished, he was too young for that.
Looking around again, he dove into the shower, turning on the cold water just as the door opened.
Walking in, Twilight blinked and quickly shut off the sink. Searching a bit, she found Escargot sitting in the shower shivering. Turning off the water quickly, she wrapped a towel round Escargot. “Oh I’m sorry, what happened?”
“The hot water broke and it was so hot, I couldn’t turn it off, and I didn’t want to get burned so I hid in here.” He looked up at Twilight sadly. He didn’t want to lie, and it was mostly true anyways.
“Well, I guess you girls have had enough excitement for one day. Remember Princess, 8 AM, bright and early.”
Nodding slowly, Escargot made a break for it as soon as he was out of the castle. He had to get away from the girls if he was going to find a safe place to change. Skidding to a stop in town, he realized something: cold water was easy, but where was he going to get hot water? Hot water, hot water…
Looking around, he saw Sugarcube Corner. A light bulb went on above his head, a sure sign it was getting late in the evening. He ran into Sugarcube Corner, skidding to a stop at the counter.
“Oh hello there, little Princess.” Mrs. Cake said happily. “What can I get you?”
“I need an extra extra-large tea to go please, for my mom.”
“That will be 2 bits please.”
Realizing he didn’t have any money as Escargot, he sighed. “Sorry, I left it at home.”
“Oh don’t worry about it hon. Here you go.”
Smiling brightly, he took the tea and headed out. Finally, something was working right for a change. Just before he was home, he dumped the tea on his head, hoping it was enough to change.
Looking down he saw his coat color shift back to normal and sighed. Stashing the crown in the bushes and giving one last shake to be dry. He opened the door calling out, “I’m home mo….”
Looking sternly at him his mother slowly held up the dress. “You have some explaining to do little colt.”
Gulping Snails looked at the dress with growing realization. He was doomed. His mom knew it now… what was he going to do…
“You stole this from the pageant didn’t you?” She scowled. “I saw the filly wearing this.”
Blinking Snails opened his mouth to defend himself, but how? There was just nothing he could say.
“Go to your room. I’ll contact the princess and have this dress returned tomorrow.” She said firmly. “And you are NOT to leave your room for any reason.”
Walking into his bedroom, he sat in shock. And now he was grounded… that means the town guard would be after him. This was chaos incarnate.
“Guards! Guards!” Raven called, “Has anyone seen Escargot?”
“No ma’am!” One of the Royal Guards replied, coming to attention.
“Well, find her; we can only hold the train for so long. There are other dignitaries waiting.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Oh, what poor form.” Diamond Tiara sneered in her best dress. Looking towards her father, she giggled. “Daddy, would a proper princess ever be late?”
Snails ½ - Everypony Should Know
“Noot Noot! Noot Noot!”
Rolling over, Snails hit his alarm clock until it stopped ringing. Glancing up, he saw the time: 7 AM. Why would he ever get up at 7 AM? Closing his eyes, he curled up under the covers. It’s not like it was a school day, and even then it was usually 8 AM.
It’s not like he was going on a trip or something. 8 AM.
Sitting upright, he blinked in alarm. 8 AM train! Canterlot! Grounded!!!
“Calm down Snails, you have plenty of time. First, you need the dress.” Looking down at his forelegs, he sighed. “First, you need to be Escargot to get the dress.”
"Celestia, I don't want to do this. If I go, and get caught I'm banished to the moon. If I go and don't get caught I'm grounded for life. If I don't go, the town guards and royal guards will be searching for me. One accident and I'm caught, questioned, and banished to the moon."
“When did my life turn into one of Pinkie Pie’s stories?”
Getting up, he slowly worked open the window. He propped it open with a large book so there would be no accidents, but with his luck, the window would slip and he’d be stuck. He shuddered at the thought.
He climbed out and looked around to make sure it was clear. It was quiet outside, as usual. (Well, except for Daisy running for her life from some rabbits, Rose screaming about her flowers being trampled, and Lilly lying on the ground twitching, but that was expected.)
It was a perfectly normal morning, even if things were getting off to an early start.
Pulling out the garden hose, he smiled and turned it on, holding it over his head. He blinked up at the nozzle. Nothing came out. Wrenching the knob, he turned it on and off. Nothing; there was no water.
“Oh come on, that’s just not right.”
The river ran through town, but it would take him time to get there. Whimpering, he turned and ran as fast as he could. Tymberwolves on his tail were one thing. An angry mom… Was something else.
Arriving at the river, he saw ponies relaxing, reading papers, and even having their morning tea. There were just too many eyes here, too high a chance of being spotted. Looking down the river, he saw his chance: he could use the bridge!
Entering the water on one side, Escargot stopped midway through, hearing voices and hoof beats above.
“It’s ok, sugar plum. We’re going to Canterlot anyway.”
“But daddy, she’s just a blank flank commoner. She has to learn her place.”
“I’ve told you about talking like that, it’s not proper.”
“Really daddy? How would you feel if every pony walked around calling you Filthy?”
Clearing his throat a few times, he went on, “That’s different. Ponies should know better than that.”
“And everypony should know not to cross our family.” She said firmly.
As they walked off towards the train station, Escargot could only shiver (and not from the water.) Climbing out of the river, he shook himself dry. It wasn’t his fault he got picked. He didn’t even want to be princess.
He ran home as quickly as possible, stopping at the front door. Quickly, he pulled the crown out of the bushes and put it on her head, stopped to catch her breath, then knocked. It took a few minutes, but Snails’s mom finally answered the door. She looked down at Escargot and smiled.
“Oh hello there, you’re the winner of the Harvest Princess Pageant, right? I was hoping to see you to apologize.”
“Apologize for what mo…. Umm… Miss?”
“My son seems to have taken to acquiring things that don’t belong to him.” She said, scowling back into the house.
“Oh, umm, I’m kinda here for my dress. Snails left it in his room yesterday to keep it safe. The second part of the contest, and the tour didn’t need the dress and I didn’t want it to get dirty.”
“I’ll get it for you.” She said, smiling, and went inside. A few moments later, she returned with the dress. “Why didn’t you leave it at your place?”
“Well I… I’m not really from Ponyville so I don’t have my own place to store things…” Yeah, that sounds right, and, well, Escargot isn’t from Ponyville, so it’s not really lying to her.
“Oh, now that’s just not right. Some pony as young as you. We have a spare room; you can stay with us.” She said smiling brightly.
Oh Celestia, no… there was no way that would work… heck, she’d expect both of us at dinner at the same time.
“No, um, no thank you, I…”
“Nonsense, I insist.”
“But I need to be in Canterlot, and the train leaves at 8 am.”
“Oh dear! It’s quarter to now, you better hurry!”
Picking up the dress, Escargot turned, heading to the station. Then it hit him: how do I actually put this dress on? He had no idea how this was supposed to work. He should have paid more attention when he took it off. Thumping his head against a tree in frustration, he glanced at the clock-tower: 10 minutes to 8:00.
Glancing around, he groaned and turned to accept his fate. Slowly, he walked up to the door and knocked. It was still early, but ponies were mostly up already. The door opened, and Rarity looked down at Escargot.
“Oh hello darling.” She smiled brightly, “You’re off to Canterlot this morning, yes?”
Holding the dress up, Escargot looked depressed. Once more into the Ursa Minor’s Den. “My train leaves in 10 minutes and I don’t know how to put this on.”
“Oh dear, come in, come in.” Shaking her head, Rarity quickly got Escargot dressed, then took a step back to admire her work. “Perfect, but is that all you are taking to Canterlot?”
“It’s just a one day trip.” Escargot said.
“Wait here now.” Rarity quickly packed a few spare dresses from last season, along with a sunhat in a little carry-on bag, then a larger bag for herself. Grabbing her make-up bag, and emergency bag she nodded once. Without Spike to help she'd have to settle for just 3 bags. The little filly couldn't be late after-all.
“What’s that for?”
“Why, I’m coming with you!” She said, trotting beside Escargot.
“Why?”
“I’m the Element of Generosity. You were so generous sharing you prize with my little sister. She was so excited, she couldn’t stop talking about it all night. So, I shall help you in Canterlot, show you how to be a proper lady, and win the hearts of the nobility!”
“Celestia, I’m doomed.” Was all Snails could mumble as they arrived at the train station.
“Oh, you’re just in time!” Raven called out.
“Lucky little blank flank.” Diamond Tiara snarled.
“I wonder if she’s related to Fleur De Lis? She looks like she has real royal blood!”
“Really? If that’s the case I MUST introduce my colt to her!”
Snails ½ Every Word that I Speak
Escargot looked up at Rarity, almost in tears. He was never that good in school, but this was torture. He hardly understood any of the words she was using, and some of the things she had smelled toxic and made his eyes burn.
It was all too much. There was just no way he could do this; he didn’t understand any of what she was saying. It was just so far beyond him, it made his head spin. Slowly, Rarity levitated another jar towards him, holding it in front of Escargot.
“This is eye shadow. It’s used to color the fur of your eyelid to make your eyes stand out more.”
Smiling, she showed him how to apply it to his eyes, using a slightly darker shade of peach. It was just another term in the long list of things he had to remember.
“This is different than eyeliner?”
“That’s right dear. Liners are the pencils. Shadow is the dust. Don’t look so down, Escargot, it’s not that hard. It just takes some practice.”
“And all fillies do this?”
Rarity frowned slightly, “Well, not all. I doubt Applejack or Rainbow Dash would. But that’s just because they don’t see a need.”
“Well, what is the need?”
“It’s to make yourself look better, dear, or to hide imperfections. Many mares do it to feel better about themselves, but it’s not really needed for that.” Rarity smiled, “Now, the best way to take off the makeup is with hot water.”
Squeaking, Snails backed away from her fearfully.
“Oh don’t worry, it’s not that hot. Just warm enough to open your pores properly.”
“No, I- I- I’ll use the washroom, I have to go anyway.” Escargot said quickly, almost defensively.
“It’s the powder room darling.” Rarity said with a resigned sigh, opening the car door. Smiling brightly as always, she escorted him to the fillies powder room, before moving on to the dining car.
He ducked quickly into the bathroom, then, once inside, paused and looked around. The bathroom generally looked the same as the colts’, but…
He looked uncomfortably at his dress, then the facilities, murmuring to himself: “I… Have no idea how to do this.”
Getting undressed, he sighed and hung the dress up behind the door. Using the hot water, he washed off the makeup, then turned to go the bathroom. Thumping his head against the wall, he whimpered anxiously. “Why? Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?”
The mare that opened the door was one of the upper crust variety. She had expected the powder room to be empty, or at the very least occupied by a mare. Seeing a colt in the room was unacceptable. This was the mare’s room, after all.
Screaming, she turned and started to wave down the conductor. “Help, there’s some strange colt in the mares’ room!”
Quickly spraying himself with cold water from the tap, he sat down on the toilet. Honestly, he didn’t have to go anymore, but he didn’t know what else to do.
“In there!” Pointing to the powder room, she fanned herself in melodramatic shock.
Flinging open the door, the conductor looked inside, but saw only Escargot sitting on the toilet. Glancing in, the mare blinked. “But- but- but-”
Rarity was on the conductor in an instant, smacking him with a rolled up magazine. “You cad, you pervert, can’t you give a filly some well-deserved privacy?”
“Sorry ma’am sorry, sorry, sorry…” He beat a hasty retreat.
The mare looked in and then closed the door again, “But…”
Moving out of the bathroom, Escargot carried the crown and gown with him. Escargot blushed hard and kept his head low.
“Oh dear, I’m so sorry, a stallion should NEVER barge in on a filly when she’s doing that. I will lodge a complaint with the railway over this.” Rarity huffed. “Why, I would be completely mortified.”
“She came in first and screamed, that’s why the conductor came in. It’s not his fault.”
“He should still know better than that.” She said, affronted “He should have knocked and waited for you to tell him whether or not you were decent.”
Slowly, Escargot got dressed again (with a little coaching from Rarity) , then returned to her seat with a sigh.
Putting the crown back on, he looked to Rarity. “I kind of missed breakfast. May I eat something?”
“Oh yes, eat light however: a few small snacks should do.”
Rarity stood and lead Escargot to the dining car, where both took a seat.
Several rows down, Diamond Tiara watched with a gaze of pure malice. That little blank flank had to pay. She would find a way to deal with that upstart, mark her words.
Happily unaware, Rarity and Escargot looked at the menu, “Oh, might I suggest some hot buttered scones and tea?”
“May I have juice instead?” Juice was cold, and therefore much, much safer than tea. Escargot smiled pleadingly.
Placing the order, Rarity giggled, “Juice is fine, but I suggest orange, it doesn’t stain as much as say… grape.” For some reason, Rarity shuddered at the idea of grape juice.
As one of the servers came down the aisle with a large pot of coffee, Diamond Tiara saw her chance. With a sickeningly sweet smile, she stuck her hoof into the path.
Tumbling, the server sent the full pot of scalding hot coffee straight towards Rarity and Escargot.
Snails saw his life flash before him. It was over. He was dead. Closing his eyes, he cried out and turned away, trembling. The guards were going to string him up. They’d hold him till he could be banished by the Princess. He didn’t want to be banished. He didn’t do anything wrong, did he? He was just a colt in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Crying softly, he curled up, trembling.
“Oh poor thing, she’s terrified.” One of the mares said.
“Wouldn’t you be? How horrible. She could have been hurt badly by that. That was boiling water!” Another mare said.
“Food shield. Between a little sister that loves grape juice, and a hyperactive pastry chef, it became a necessity.” Rarity said knowingly.
Chancing a peek, Escargot saw the last off the coffee dripping down a magical field erected by Rarity.
“She looks adorable, even when she’s scared.”
“She should meet my foal! I’m sure they would make an adorable couple!”
“She looks like she’s part of the royal bloodlines. She MUST meet my nephew!”
“Who are her parents? I need to see if she’s eligible for an arranged marriage.”
“I wonder if she’s related to Fleur De Lis? She looks like she has real royal blood!”
“Really? If that’s the case I MUST introduce my colt to her!”
“Oh, now she’s getting marriages arranged for her? Daddy, what makes her so special?” Diamond Tiara growled, frustrated. “She’s just a stupid blank flank.”
Panting and looking around in shock, Escargot had no idea what was happening. All of a sudden, he was at the center of attention, all eyes were on him.
“Do you think your parents would accept a bride price or marriage dowry?” One woman asked.
“I guess so?” Escargot said. He’d have to remember to ask Rarity what that was when they were in private again.
“The horror!” A customer yelled as she ran out into the street.
“Who is going to pay for all of this!?” The manager said, sitting in shock.
“It’s all ruined!”
Snails ½ My Approving Glance
“First off in Canterlot; a stop at the exclusive La Licorne. Founded nearly 300 years ago, this store has been at the forefront of Canterlot fashion and the go-to place for the upper crust for countless years.”
Rarity couldn’t help but squee in excitement: this was the BEST shop in the city. All too often you needed to book an appointment months ahead simply to visit.
“Oh, you are just going to love this place darling.” Rarity said, pulling Escargot along.
“But you made my dress.” Escargot said.
“Yes, and it’s perfect, but you need more than one outfit! I simply cannot allow you to walk around in the same ensemble for the next few days, and besides, this is a chance for both of us to see the best fashions this season.”
“Aren’t yours the best fashions?”
“‘Are yours not’, or ‘are not yours’ would be better way of wording that, dear. While mine are featured across Equestria, it is always nice to see what customers in other cities want.” Rarity said with pride.
The store was much larger than Rarity’s, but it had to be. Inside, there were massive rows of stock: clothing for mares and stallions, colts and fillies, all lined up with basic demonstration ponykins.
“Each outfit is custom made, and fit for the pony in question. Every measurement is taken so the dresses can fit exquisitely.” The store clerk welcomed them in with pride.
“All of our stock is haute couture, of course.” The store manager said, adjusting his monocle.
Looking to Rarity for help, but finding none, Escargot realized he was in the worst place ever: Rarity’s Fashion Boot Camp, and Rarity herself was the drill sergeant.
Quickly, Escargot found himself dragged around the store, being told one thing after another. He was quizzed on clothing parts and accessories, shown different types of shoes and boots, and measured in ways and places he didn’t think a tape measure belonged.
Raven smiled, “This is Princess Escargot, the Harvest Princess from Ponyville. She will be attending Celestia tonight.”
“Oh I see. Would the little miss like a new gown that goes with her crown?”
Gulping, Escargot looked up at Rarity for help. Hopefully Rarity would take offense and not-
“Oh, that would be simply fabulous! Perhaps two dresses: one for walking around the castle, and another for the event itself?” Rarity said, “One can never have too many dresses.”
“Or not.” Snails mumbled and sighed.
The staff worked at a whirlwind pace: they quickly extricated Escargot from Rarity’s dress and hung it up for a light cleaning. Next came the trying on of dresses, and it began with several different day dresses and hats.
Escargot looked around for some escape, but there was none. Sun dresses, day dresses, spring and summer styles. An array of accents to her colors were tried before the staff settled on the perfect combination for her excursion dress.
Breathing anxiously, Escargot looked up at Rarity, “Are we done?”
“Oh heavens no, we still need your gown dear!”
It all began again, with different combinations and colors. Several times, dresses were pulled so tight Snails couldn’t breathe. At long last, the final choices were made, with Rarity’s firm nod of approval. “Perfect! Now we can rest a moment and chat.”
Sitting down, Rarity quickly explained how they were producing the dresses for Escargot. “That large kettle is a steamer. It’s used in some cases to loosen fabrics or clean fabrics, but it can also be used with leather products.”
Escargot was beginning to think he was developing a phobia of hot water. As quickly as equinely possible, he put as much distance between him and the kettle as he could.
A jingle at the door signaled the entrance of a new customer. Glancing curiously, Escargot saw Diamond Tiara enter. Her head was held high, and her father walked besides her, flaunting his bulging money pouch.
“What is SHE doing here?” Diamond sneered. “She’s a common pony.”
Smiling, Raven looked down, “As the winner of the crown, she is getting 2 new dresses made for her, courtesy of the Princess.”
Stomping over to Escargot, Diamond glowered at her, “You should NOT have won that contest. It was mine, and I WILL make you pay.”
Flinching, Escargot lowered her head submissively. He didn’t want Diamond mad at him. None of this was his fault “I’m sorry Diamond Tiara, I didn’t mean to. It’s not my fault I’m prettier than you.”
Diamond Tiara flushed a fiery red and stormed back to her father.
“Daddy, I want 3, no 4 of the best dresses they can make. A proper lady can NEVER have too many dresses.”
“Yes, dear.” He said, and waited for the staff to serve them. The problem was, with the 2 dresses for the Princess taking priority, there were no staff currently available to make Diamond one.
The staff continued at their frenetic pace, and when the first was done, they presented it to Escargot. It was both simple and elegant: a light dress with matching hat designed for walking around Canterlot, with a pair of low boots for her front legs and a tail ribbon.
Looking at herself in the mirror, Escargot just kept asking herself: When will it end, what has become of me? I went into the forest to prove I was a stallion, and now look at me.
“Perfect.” Rarity said, smiling.
“That dress is some of our best work.” The manager said proudly, and hung the dress up.
“Um, why am I not wearing that?” Escargot asked looking to Rarity.
“Because they still need you for the fittings on the gown, silly.”
Sitting down once again, Escargot gazed into the middle distance as Rarity went on about fashion. Time and time again, she would quiz Escargot on things, but his poor little brain was never meant for this sort of thing.
Finally, they brought out the second dress: a pure ball dress fit for the Grand Galloping Gala. It was sophisticated, yet it allowed a range of motion suitable for dancing. The gown fit perfectly on her and accented her mane. A set of golden hoof boots, much like Celestia’s, were also prepared.
Watching himself in the mirror, he really did look like a princess now. (Minus the wings, of course.) It was hopeless: there wasn’t a shred of stallionly dignity left that he could think of. The only thought that echoed through his head was the sound of Snips keeling over in peals of laughter.
Speaking of dying, Diamond Tiara was dying of impatience. Things were taking far too long by her standards. Pacing, she stormed back and forth.
“Daddy, make them hurry up.” Diamond seethed.
“I’m sorry dear, but they are busy. You must wait your turn."
Snarling, Diamond lashed out. She’d had ENOUGH. With a swift kick of her hind leg, she knocked over one of the larger ponykins.
Escargot had just finished getting out of the gown and hanging it up, when the ponykin hit the stove and burst into flames.
Somepony screamed as the kettle hit the ground and sent a shower of hot water flying through the air.
In pure horror, Snails felt the water hit, covering him completely. A terrible, end of the world feeling washed over him, filling him with dread and despair.
Rarity acted quickly: using her magic, she picked up and popped open 2 umbrellas, holding one over where she sat, and the second over the clothing.
Only a fraction of a second after the hot water hit him, the sprinklers went off, drenching him in cold water, and the store with him. Well, all except for Rarity, and of course the dresses she had shielded. Rarity had to save the dresses after all.
Standing up, she picked up the dresses, holding them close under the umbrella to protect all 3 of them, then cheerfully trotted out of the store. “Come on Escargot, the dresses are safe, we can dry you off outside.” Then louder, to the manager, “Thank you! And good luck!”
“It’s all ruined! All of it!” The manager said, sitting, stunned, in the downpour of the sprinklers.
“Dear Princess Twilight, an unusual situation has been brought to my attention: the young filly named ‘Escargot’ could use some watching over, and a little help. Would you be so kind as to take her under your wing, and make sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble?
Honorably yours, Princess Celestia.”
Snails ½ What They all Seek
The tour of Canterlot Castle began in the statue garden. At each of the statues, various trivia and the minutiae of the statue’s history were relayed to Escargot. It was worst than a school field trip, and there was no getting out of it. Eventually, they moved on to the animal garden, with its panoply of exotic animals. This would be great, if he were Fluttershy and not himself.
Oh Celestia, Snails was having enough trouble being Escargot; being Fluttershy would be impossible. Sticking close to Rarity, Escargot worked hard to keep himself shielded from Diamond Tiara. That filly was looking for trouble, and had a habit of making it.
“Oh, there she is!” Escargot heard a mare call out, as she trotted up with a colt in tow.
The colt poked out from behind the mare, “Mom, I don’t want to.”
“Oh nonsense, she’s perfect for you, and I’m sure we could afford any bride token.” The mare said. Turning, she smiled winningly at Escargot, “Hello Princess, I wish to present my son to you: this is Bolt, a fine, strong colt, who would be thrilled to accompany you to the Ball tonight.”
“I-I-” Escargot was at a loss for words: what was a bride token? Why did he need an escort? And why did it have to be a colt?
“Stand aside, m’lady. I hear there is a new Princess in town. As a royal prince, it will be my DUTY to take her to the Ball. There I can woo her with tales of my…” Prince Blueblood was in full form until he saw Rarity.
Narrowing her eyes, Rarity saw only Blueblood in a world of red. The cad! The pervert! He wanted to woo a child? A foal?
“Escargot, close your eyes.” Rarity said firmly and dangerously.
Escargot flattened his ears timidly. “Why?”
“I am about to do something very unladylike to this- TRAMP, and I would rather you not see.” Rarity said, stalking menacingly towards the prince.
Closing his eyes, Escargot turned his head away and cringed.
“Wait, what are you doing? Not that!” Blueblood screamed and whined piteously. “Anything but that! Have mercy, I didn’t know… I didn’t know she was a foal.”
Cries of fear and agony filled the air. Blueblood was screaming as though the demons of Tartarus were on his tail. “Oh Celestia, NOT MY COAT! ANYTHING BUT MY COAT!”
Unable to resist, Escargot chanced a peek.
The prince was curled up on the ground, wailing, almost in tears. Rarity stood close by, horn aglow, a large - glop- of mud in her magical grip. Holding it close to his side, she spoke clearly and evenly. “If you bother this foal again, it will not be mud. It will be a mixture of grape juice, oil, and ink that stains your coat.”
Escargot blinked, confused. Tilting his head, Escargot walked to Rarity’s side, "Wouldn't bubble gum in the mane and tail work?"
Prince Blueblood howled in fear and ran for the castle. Apparently, the idea of bubble gum was just too much for his refined tastes.
Rarity gave Escargot a quick hug and giggled. “Boys sometimes. Honestly, they can be such whiners.”
A great deal more upbeat, they followed their guide inside the castle. The next part of the tour included the throne room- home of the Sister’s Thrones-, the kitchen, with its many chefs and enough food to feed half of Ponyville, and the ballroom, with its immense, elegant statue. Slowly, they made their way through the castle: from the vaunted Royal Library (with the largest collection of joke books in Equestria), to the Hall of Heroes, its figures shining forever in the stillness.
Then, the so-called Palace Baths: a spa the size of a large swimming pool, complete with hot tubs, attached sauna, and decorative fountains. For Escargot, it was only a chamber of horrors: everywhere she looked, there was another threat to Escargot, another source of fearful hot water, that could make her change in public.
Backing out of the room as fast as he dared, Escargot didn’t see the server carrying afternoon tea for the princess (Well, the hot water for it anyway. The Princess insisted on brewing it herself.)
The water found its mark: all over Snails’s back. He bolted down the hall before anypony could see him. He had to run, to hide. He had to get away.
All the server saw was the back of his dress and his hat as it turned down one of the corridors.
“What did you do?” Rarity asked.
“I didn’t see her, I swear, I dropped a full pot of tea water on her! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to!” The alarmed server apologized profusely.
“She’s not from Canterlot. We have to find her, she’s probably hurt and terrified!” Rarity began running before she even finished the sentence.
“GUARDS! GUARDS! We have a lost filly who ran off, scared!”
Oh Celestia, they were calling out the royal guards. He was completely doomed! He had to hide, had to find somewhere safe!
A pair of double doors at the end of the hall was his only hope. Without even looking, he dove inside and slammed it shut. Panting hard, he kept his eyes closed for a few long moments as he caught his breath.
He opened them to see Princess Celestia herself.
She stood in her royal attire, wings spread wide, mane and tail flowing with power. She wore her golden necklace and hoof guards, as if ready for some courtly function. Looking down at Snails, she responded with only an arched eyebrow at the colt who barged in. A colt that was wearing a summer dress and sunhat.
“I… I…” Snails was at a loss. It was just his luck: of course he would run into Princess Celestia, of all ponies. He couldn’t lie. He couldn’t make something up. Even having his life flash before his eyes was getting a little dull, especially when very little got added between reruns.
Folding her wings to her side calmly and regally, Celestia regarded the foal, “Care to explain yourself?”
Sliding to the floor, Snails started balling. “Please don’t banish me, please. It’s not my fault. I wasn’t trying to trick anyone or fool anyone. I fell in this cursed spring, now I keep turning into a filly when I’m hit with cold water. Hot water turns me back to a colt. I didn’t mean any harm. Just everything got so out of control.”
Looking up at Princess Celestia with puffy eyes, Snails went on. “The girls said they needed me to win for them, I didn’t want to even be in the contest. Then Noi and Dinky started crying when I shared the prize with them. Then my mom thought I stole the dress and grounded me. Please don’t banish me to the moon.”
Without really moving, Celestia picked up a pitcher of water and moved it over Snails. With a gentle motion, she poured its contents over him. Tilting her head curiously, she watched him turn into a filly: the same filly from the Harvest Festival.
The door opened quickly and a guard ran in, “Sorry Princess, one of the guests…”
Celestia merely pointed to Escargot and winked.
Nodding slowly, the guard helped Escargot to her hooves. Carefully, he guided her back out to the tour.
Having the room to herself once more, Celestia closed the door and locked it. Sitting on her bed, she looked at the empty water pitcher and placed it back on the table. Falling back onto her bed, she spread her wings wide and curled her forelegs. Closing her eyes, she started to guffaw in a most un-princess-like manner. “Oh my, this is so much better than watching Discord try to do stand-up comedy.”
Hardly able to lift her quill, she fumbled with the parchment, still laughing uncontrollably. “Dear Princess Twilight…”
“Sister, what are you giggling about?” Luna said asking Celestia.
“Oh, nothing, dear Luna, nothing at all.”
Snails ½: The Creme De La Crème
“Now, you must remember everything I’ve taught you, darling.” Rarity reminded Escargot.
Swallowing nervously, only one thought echoed through Escargots mind: “HELP!!! I Don’t want to be here!!!”
“Now presenting, the Lady Rarity, and her ward, The Harvest Princess From Ponyville, Escargot.” Raven called out across the hall proud and true.
All eyes fell on Snails and Rarity.
“Oh my, so cultured! I did not believe anypony from that backwater village met the standards.”
“Aside from Diamond Tiara and Filthy Rich, of course.” A stallion nodded to Filthy Rich.
Diamond Tiara glared at Escargot maliciously, “Why can’t anypony else see it? That filly is a complete fraud! How else would a blank flank become Harvest Princess?”
As she approached the twin thrones, Escargot curtsied, just as Rarity had taught her. Graceful and regal, Escargot touched her horn to the ground. Curtsying once towards Celestia, then once more towards Luna, she kept her head bowed, waiting to be addressed.
“My, are we not the formal one. You have been well-taught, Princess.” Luna said.
“Welcome Princess Escargot, I hope you had a pleasant time on your tour.” Celestia added.
“Very pleasant, your highness.” Escargot tried hard not to move, or even look up.
“It is alright, you may stand.” Celestia said gently, and flashed Escargot a subtle wink as the filly rose.
Escargot looked around the room, searching for an avenue of escape.
“Go on, have fun, dance. I know there are many colts here interested in meeting you, several from my school for gifted unicorns. Celestia paused, “I am surprised that I still have not seen your application for my school. A unicorn of your special situation might find it interesting.” Celestia smiled.
A murmur rippled through the crowd at the speed of rumor: could this be another chosen of Celestia? Is this another princess to be? The chance to move up the social ladder was too sweet to pass up.
Diamond Tiara snorted in rage, “Oh, and now she becomes the Princess’s precious student?”
Another mare quickly approached Escargot with her colt, “This is Firecracker, he’s looking at starting a singing group. He calls them Firebombers.” His mare said proudly, “He’s also a student at Celestia’s School.”
Nosing her foal forwards firmly, she looked down at him.
Sighing resignedly, he deadpanned, “Would you like to dance?”
“Oh, of course she would.” Celestia said, smiling.
Luna glanced at her sister, then stood, surveying the ball nervously.
“Is something wrong sister?”
“I’ve seen that look before. Where is he, and what has he done?”
“Who?” Celestia looked to Luna, thoroughly confused.
“Discord, dear sister. The last time you smiled like that was when everyone realized you invited Discord to the Gala.”
“I did no such thing.”
“Chrysalis?” Luna said skeptically.
“No sister. Just relax, watch the party. Enjoy yourself.”
Luna returned to her throne, grumbling. Her sister was playing a joke, and not sharing.
Escargot, on the other hoof, was terrified. Did Celestia mean that? Did she expect Escargot to sign up for school? Oh, what if it was Snails she wanted? No, she said Escargot. How was he supposed to go to school as Escargot?
“Escargot?” Firecracker asked.
“What?” Jumping backwards, Escargot panted heavily, with wide, panicky eyes.
“We’re supposed to dance?”
“I...I…” Looking to Rarity for help, Rarity merely motioned towards the dance floor.
Sighing softly, Escargot began to dance, following Rarity’s instructions as closely as he could remember. This was so embarrassing, so silly so..
“Escargot?” Firecracker started.
“Yes?”
“Do you want to be the colt?” He asked tilting his head.
“All night actually…” Escargot almost said, then bit her tongue hard. What did she just say? What did he just ask? “Wait what do you mean?”
“We’re dancing: unless you want to be the colt, let me lead.” Firecracker said, shaking his head.
With a sigh, Escargot let him lead the dance. ‘Actually, that was quite rude.’ Escargot thought.
“Thank you. For a moment there, I thought you wanted me to be the filly, but that’s just stupid.” Firecracker said.
Diamond Tiara stormed up, “Are you planning on hogging all the spotlights?”
“I’m sorry, I’m just not very practiced at dancing. Though I might suggest you try with Diamond Tiara there.” Escargot said. It was a way out! Letting go, she curtsied once and let her deal with him.
“Oh, aren’t they just the perfect couple.” One mare said
“Delightful.” Another said.
“I foresee a spring wedding.”
Realizing what she just got herself into, she snarled at Escargot in a very un-lady like manner.
Finally free, Escargot ran to Rarity. He was safe. He was in the clear. He was away from Firecracker and Diamond Tiara. He slowed and looked around: he was surrounded by colts.
“Why me?” Escargot whimpered, drooping.
They tugged Escargot back out onto the floor for dance after dance after dance. Parents argued over whose colt was favored, who might win her status and beauty, trying to prove their son could be like Shining Armor and woo a princess herself.
“I hate my life.” Snails whimpered.
Finally, Celestia stood and sent the foals home. It was late, after all, and they had school tomorrow.
Smiling, she bowed cordially to Escargot, “It was a pleasure meeting you, Princess. I hope you enjoyed your time in the castle. Ask Twilight about an application for the school.”
Nodding, she turned and left with Rarity.
The express train was already waiting to take them back to Ponyville. For the first time since this day began, he had a chance to relax. In the car, he was able to get out of the gowns. With Rarity’s help, he folded everything up and put it in the suit case.
“Rarity?”
“Yes Escargot?”
“Thank you for everything.” Snails sighed.
“My pleasure, I always love a chance to mold a young filly into a proper mare.”
If there was anyone he might confide in. If there was anyone he could trust. Would it be Rarity? Maybe she’d be able to help him? Maybe if he asked her?
“So much more attentive than colts.”
Or not.
“Colts?”
“Yes, you seemed to have your fill of them tonight, I’d be happy if you didn’t see another colt for a week.”
“Tell me about it. I’ll just be glad to get to bed and sleep in.”
As the train pulled into the station, he bought one last large cup of tea. He was ready for home. Carefully giving one last hug to Rarity, he made his way home. Looking around to make sure it was all clear, he dumped the water on himself, finally back in his own body. It was over. It was done with.
Opening the door, he walked in, dead tired. Looking up he closed the door with his hind leg. “Hi mom. Hi dad.”
Both scowled at him. His mother takes a step forward. “Snails, you were grounded! How dare you leave the house!”
Oh yeah, grounded or Royal Guards, he forgot about that. “Sorry mom.” Lowering his head, he sighed.
“And what’s in the suitcase?” His father asked sternly.
Snails just collapsed on the floor. I’m so dead.
Part 11: Snails ½: Not Just Another Jane Doe Part 1
Feather Pinch landed in front of Diamond Tiara, panting a little.
“Did you get them?” Diamond Tiara asked, holding up a bag of bits.
“Yep: a few tufts of cloud fluff, and a pegasus feather. It’s Rumble’s.” She giggled, “He’s so cute.”
“Whatever, here’s your bits.” Diamond Tiara said, smiling maliciously.
“Thanks Tiara! I hope I can get mom something really special with this.” Feather zipped off.
“I already have a rainbows bright glow, so that should be everything. Now to deal with that little blank flank once and for all.”
Snails ½: Not Just Another Jane Doe Part 1
Snails sat at the breakfast table, looking at his parents. Both were still not happy with him sneaking out.
“I was only grounded because mom thought I stole that dress. When mom got told the truth I didn’t think I was still grounded.” Snails said weakly.
“I raised you to be a stallion. You were punished, no matter the reason. As a stallion, you should have accepted it and waited to be told if it was over or not. A stallion does not skulk around like that.” His father responded sternly.
“Does a filly?” Snails blinked.
His mom just gave his dad a flat look.
“Nopony should.” His mom said.
“Yes, mom.”
“And the suitcase?” His father asked.
“Stuff that Rarity and Celestia gave Escargot. I brought it here for storing. Mom, Dad, I really need to tell you something.”
His dad blew out a sigh of relief. “That’s good, I’d hate to think my son was doing something stupid like cross-dressing.”
“What did you want to tell us?” His mom tilted her head.
“Cross-dressing?”
“It’s when a colt or stallion thinks they can get away with dressing as a mare.” His dad said, shaking his head.
“What did you need to tell us?”
“Nothing, I’ll tell you later. Just was a hard day yesterday.”
Everypony looked up when there was a tapping at the door.
“I wonder who that could be.” Snails’s mother said, standing up and opening the door.
“Mail delivery!” Derpy said, and held out 2 formal letters.
Snails’s mom took the letter and handed Derpy a muffin. She didn’t know why, but it seemed to work well: since she started giving Derpy muffins, she never had late mail or misplaced letters.
“What is it, dear?”
“Oh, a letter from the desk of Princess Celestia.” Snails’ mom said, sitting down.
“It’s an application form for Escargot to go to Celestia’s school of Gifted Unicorns.” His dad said tilting his head, “Snails, if you applied yourself and put a true stallion’s effort into things, took your studies more seriously, you might be accepted to a place like that. Maybe Canterlot University, or better yet, one of the construction apprentice programs.”
“The second is from Princess Twilight. She’s asked Escargot to visit her castle again for some personal training.” His mom said. “I wonder why everyone’s sending her mail here?”
“Umm mom, didn’t you offer for her to stay here? Maybe that’s why?” Snails said, hoping this would work.
“True enough. We will hold it here for her then. If you see her while you’re out, tell her to go to Twilight’s, it sounds important.”
“Yes, mom.” Well, with any luck, he wouldn’t see her. Everyone would forget about her, and life would be back to normal.
Opening the door, Snails looked around and inhaled deeply. Derpy was delivering mail, and the water was out while a pipe was being repaired. It was a perfect day. Snails closed the door, but before he’d even walked 20 feet, he was already splashed with water.
So much for a perfect day.
“Rumble, you need to be gentle.” Feather called out. “If you’re not, you’ll just squeeze all the water out instead of moving it.”
Escargot shook the water off her coat and mane and looked up with sigh. Yep, another perfect day.
“EEEE!” Sweetie Belle tackled Escargot from the side, hugging tightly enough to give a boa constrictor a run for its money. “You have to tell me all about your trip to Canterlot!”
“It was okay, I guess.” Escargot said, returning the hug more gently.
“Rarity said you did great, and she doesn’t teach just anypony. You must really be special.” Sweetie giggled.
“Not really, I’m really nopony of interest.” Escargot said.
“Nonsense! We need you at the clubhouse today.” Sweetie said once and turned running off. “Be there at noon!”
Drooping, Escargot shook his head. Why?
Silver Spoon just KNEW if she followed those silly blank flanks, they would eventually lead her to Escargot. Of course, Sweetie Belle was the easiest of the three to find and follow. Now that she’s done her job, Silver Spoon could move in and play her part.
“Oh Escargot, I’m so sorry.” Silver Spoon said.
Blinking confusedly, Escargot looked up. Why is she sorry?
“I know how Diamond Tiara was treating you. It was just wrong.” Silver Spoon shook her head, “I’ve talked to her, and she’s still mad, but won’t harass you anymore. Come see.”
Blinking, Escargot followed Silver Spoon to a waiting table. First Base, one of the earth ponies from school, was sitting there, already looking confused and bored.
“Have a seat, I’ll be back in a sec.”
Escargot sat down and sighed. Now what was going on?
“Hey…” First Base said propping up his head with a hoof.
“Hey.” Escargot replied looking around. Really rich dialog between the two. First Base had also been attending Big Mac’s 'Classes on Elocution' and it was truly paying off. Eyup.
The two sat in silence until Silver Spoon returned. She had Diamond Tiara in Tow, who was carrying 2 glasses of pink juice. Still with a scowl on her face, she put one glass in front of each.
“I apologize.” Diamond Tiara said, “Here’s a little peace offering.”
Turning quickly, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon quickly took cover.
“Well that was pointless.” First Base said. “Diamond said she had something important she wanted to show me.”
Sighing Escargot looked down at the glass poking it once with a hoof.
Taking a drink from his glass, First Base propped his head up again with his hoof. His eyes slowly drifting to Escargot’s, he smiled with a hiccup.
Rumble hit the bench beside First Base. “Hey dude.” Looking across at Escargot, Rumble smiled. “I’m really sorry about dropping water on you this morning. Even the pegasi foals are being tasked with cloud moving for this summer- there’s something big going on.”
“Oh, its ok, I kind of got used to it with Derpy.” Escargot blinked at First Base, confused. It was almost like he had hearts in his eyes.
“Oh, juice! I’m so thirsty I could drink a cloud on my own.”
“Go for it.” Escargot shook her head.
Rumble grabbed the potion, downing it, and returned his gaze Escargot.
“So we’re cool?” He asked, looking into her eyes and hiccuped.
“We’re cool.” Escargot replied.
“Because I wouldn’t want the most beautiful cloud in the sky hurt.”
“I’m not... wait what?”
“She’s not a cloud, she’s like the ultimate home run. She’s the Equestria Baseball cup of fillies.”
Escargot got up and slowly started backing away. This couldn’t be good.
“No way, she’s the perfect cloud, so beautiful to look at, yet could be hiding the wrath of a thunderstorm if she’s upset. She must be treated gently.” Rumble said.
“Umm, guys?”
First Base leapt off the bench and ran over, grabbing her hoof. “Please be my special somepony!”
Rumble followed, grabbing her other hoof. “No, be mine! You are the one true filly for me!”
Pulling his hooves back, Escargot fell backwards onto his haunches.
“I saw her first! She’s my cuddly cloud bear!”
“Nuh uhh! I saw her first! She’s my dugout gal.”
The two colts started tussling over whom Escargot was to love, giving him the escape window he so desperately needed. Turning, he ran as fast as he could. “No no no no no no.”
He glanced back and saw the two boys chasing him, jostling and tackling each other so they could be in the lead. There was no way he was going to outrun them, especially if Rumble broke free: he was way faster than Escargot was.
A high pitched buzz caught her ear. Glancing to her left, she saw Scootaloo, scooter and wagon in tow, pull up beside her.
“Hop in!”
Nodding, Escargot dove into the cart and they shot off, zigzagging through the paths, heading for the tree-house. As they approached, Scootaloo called out as loudly as she could, “OPEN THE DOOR!”
Hanging on for dear life, Escargot ducked. Scootaloo could move at terrifying speeds on her scooter, and this was no exception. She hit a dip, and the two were catapulted into the air. Scooter and all flew through the doorway and skidded across the floor, crashing in a pile against the far wall.
Scootaloo caught her breath as Apple Bloom slammed the door shut and barred it.
“What’s… What’s going on?” Sweetie Belle said.
“My fluffy snuggle cloud!” Rumble called out, banging on the door.
“Diamond Tiara gave me and First Base this pink juice to drink… Rumble was thirsty, so I gave him mine. They both started… looking at me funny.”
“Pink… juice?” Scootaloo said whimpering.
“No…” Sweetie Belle whimpered as First Base plastered his face against the window.
“Not the Love Poison…” Apple Bloom whimpered.
Part 12: Snails ½: Not Just Another Jane Doe part 2
“Princess Twilight, do you have any books on Hearts and Hooves day?” Diamond Tiara asked innocently.
“Oh, I have several! Just check in the library. If you need help finding anything, ask Spike for help.”
Cheerilee had mentioned this in class; it had to be in one of these books.
Sitting down, Diamond Tiara flipped through numerous books, until she found what she was looking for.
“May I borrow this?” Diamond Tiara asked, smiling innocently.
“Sure, just sign it out.” Twilight said, focused more on Celestia’s letter than the conniving filly. A special unicorn? Somepony for me to mentor and teach? SQUEE!
Snails ½: Not Just Another Jane Doe part 2
“My cuddly cremepuff!”
“Argh! We can’t keep her in here. If they keep pounding, they’re likely to break the windows!” Apple Bloom said.
“Then where?” Sweetie Belle called out.
“Twilight’s castle!” Scootaloo said, “It’s the safest place in Ponyville.”
“How do you figure that?” Apple Bloom said, her back braced against the door.
“It’s a castle, with a princess in it. It’s GOT to be the safest place.”
“Ok Scoots, get the wagon ready. Escargot, get in and keep down. We need something to distract them for a moment.” Sweetie Belle said.
“Umm, my horn shine is kind of bright, maybe that will do.” Escargot suggested. It was bright enough to light the cave with the Ursa Minor, maybe it’s bright enough to make them to blink or turn their eyes away.
“Okay! Sweetie Belle, pounce Rumble, I’ll grab First Base. We just need to hold them long enough for Scoots to get a head start.”
Nodding, Apple Bloom opened the door.
Escargot’s golden hornshine was brilliant, flashing out in all directions so brightly that her horn was invisible in the corona. It was bright enough to make the two poison-struck colts look away, just long enough for Scoots to zip between them.
Slamming the door shut behind Escargot, the girls went to delay the lovestruck colts. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Wrestlers GO!”
Pumping her wings as hard as she could, Scootaloo rocketed through town at top speed.
“Looks like they couldn’t hold them too long,” Escargot began panicking. “Rumble’s on his way.”
Not wanting so slow down til the absolute last moment, Scootaloo skidded her scooter sideways, jackknifing the wagon and slamming into the stairs, sending them both tumbling. “Let us in!” she cried out desperately, hammering on the door.
Unaware of the goings-on, Spike opened the door and smiled, “How can I-”
Not even waiting for Spike to finish his sentence, Scootaloo threw Escargot through the door, before sprinting in herself. [Princess Tossing: soon to be an Equestria Games event. Bring your own princess.]
Landing on her belly, Escargot slid along the floor, slowing to a stop against Twilight’s hooves.
Spinning around, Scootaloo slammed the door shut- just in time to hear the fleshy splat of Rumble colliding with the door. This was followed by a strange squeak as he slid to the ground.
“Ouch.” Escargot cringed, “He’s going to feel that in the morning.”
“Naw, he’s had worse.” Scootaloo giggled, “It will leave a mark though.”
“Alright you two, can somepony please tell me what’s going on?” Twilight looked at the two fillies sternly.
Both scrambled to stand in front of Princess Twilight, then glanced at each other.
“Diamond Tiara’s out to get me!”
“She tried to feed Escargot a Love Poison!”
“What’s a Love Poison?” Escargot blinked at Scoots.
“The pink juice you said she tried to feed you.”
“Yeh, First Base had one, but Rumble looked all thirsty, so I gave him mine.”
“They looked in your eyes though, not each-other’s?”
“Well, First Base drank his and looked at me before Rumble showed up.”
“ARGH! That must be why they were both after you!” Scootaloo said, facehoofing in frustration.
“Why me? What did I do?” Escargot asked, whimpering.
A knocking was heard at the front door, and Spike walked over to answer it.
“DON’T open that door!” Both girls cried out.
“All we need to do is to prevent them from seeing Escargot for an hour and things will go back to normal.” Twilight said.
“Normal? I wish… That would be so… Wait, don’t have to see me for an hour? Than all I have to do is turn…”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to let you out of my sight.” Twilight said protectively.
Escargot moaned. Why? Why do I keep getting into-
Escargot never got to finish that thought. The force of Rumble hitting the light filly sent Escargot skidding across the floor, slamming the filly's horn into one of the crystal pillars.
“MY BEAUTIFUL FOOFY LOVE MUFFIN!”
“Oh, we are having NONE of that!” Twilight grabbed Rumble magically. “Spike, make sure all -and I mean ALL- of the windows are closed.”
Opening the front door, she quickly grabbed First Base with her magic.
“My little catcher! Let us run the bases together! I can give you a Home Run!” First Base called out.
“Eww. Who teaches foals these things?” Twilight cringed and held them away from the castle while she conjured a shield.
“Escargot’s hurt!” Scootaloo called out in alarm.
“I’ll boil some hot water!” Spike said, sprinting for the kitchen.
“Spike, she’s hit her head, not giving birth. Cold water please.” Twilight said, shaking her head.
Picking her up, Twilight lay the little filly in bed.
It only took a few moments for Escargot to wake up, but wow was his head sore. His horn was throbbing from where it was hit. Gently, Twilight put a cold compress and wet towel over Escargot’s head to help with the pain.
“Oh mom, I had the worst nightmare.” Escargot whimpered.
Twilight giggled softly. “I’m not your mom.”
Moving the compress with one hoof Escargot looked at Twilight then lowered it again. “Never mind, I’m still having it.”
“So, how did you get away from them in the first place?” Twilight asked.
“Escargot blinded them with her hornshine, then I shot right on past! Then boom! Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle went all Cutie Mark Crusaders Wrestlers on their flanks! Oh, I wonder if they got their cutie marks for that!” Scoots fluttered in circles, her wings buzzing excitedly.
“You must have a lot of magical potential in you.” Twilight said, “No wonder Princess Celestia has taken interest.”
“Not really. I’m not all that good with magic.” Escargot said. His head was still ringing. How hard was he hit?
“Telekinesis?” Twilight asked, tilting her head.
“Never learned how. Never really had a need, I guess.”
“Spells?”
Escargot shook her head. “I was never really good at reading and math… And neither of my parents are unicorns. So magic was never an important thing.” Escargot said softly.
“Let’s see that hornshine.”
Escargot had to think momentarily to remember how to do it. Fighting through the pain, he concentrated, his horn glowing bright once more.
“Wow, quite the little powerhouse there. You should have been trained as a little filly to control that. You could have been in Celestia’s school right away.” Twilight said.
Blinking, Escargot shook his head vigorously, a very, very, bad idea given his borderline concussion. Wobbling a bit, he felt a wave of nausea over him, and he rolled onto his side with a whimper.
“I’ll talk with your parents, and take you under my wing. I may not be as good a teacher as Celestia, but I’m sure with a summer of training, I can get you to the point where you can attend the School.” Twilight said.
Moaning softly Escargot felt the nausea fading. “Ok.”
“It’s a deal then. And remember, a Princess always keeps her word. Every day for the rest of the summer, I’ll expect you here bright and early.”
Wait, what did he just agree to?
“It will only be for part of the day, so you’ll still get to play.”
Wait, school in summer?
“I can’t wait to meet your parents to tell them the good news!”
Escargot leaned over the edge of the bed and vomited. He wasn’t sure if it was from the head injury, or just his fate… how did he become Twilight’s chosen student?
