Humans
I finally made it home. Today was a rough one, as usual. Twelve hours of dealing with –ugh– people left me drained and hating all of humanity. As usual. But twelve hour shifts was the price I had to pay for long weekends, and working with customers comes part and parcel to being employed. I’m no spoiled, rich, trust fund baby whose only responsibility is to keep on breathing. I am looking forward to four days of not having to deal with another living person though. Maybe I’ll do an anime marathon. Or perhaps one of those old games I haven’t played in ages...
Blegh. Sometimes I just wanted to get away from this. From this crappy job, from this crappy apartment. Just get up and go somewhere. Anywhere but here.
Meh... if wishes were horses and all that. I really need a nap.
---~~~***~~~---
Spike! I’ve got one! Fits almost all the criteria: young adult, healthy, no close personal ties, and shows a DEFINITE desire to leave his current location. This one’s a male, and he even shows indications of recent contemplation of equines! Although not Equestria specifically...
---~~~***~~~---
Ouch, my head... I must have slept really weird, because my head is killing me. Why is everything spinning? I groan a bit as I try to open my eyes.
“Hello there! Please take it easy, as some people react–” says a voice that definitely should not be near my bed. Well, it started to say. It was cut off rather abruptly as I shot up and looked around, trying to find out who was in... this is not my room. That’s about as far as I got before my headache shut me down for such rash actions.
Pain... Pain is bad. I don’t like pain. Ow...
“I’m very sorry about that. Please don’t worry and relax if you can. You’re going to be just fine. The relocation matrix can cause some dissonance sometimes, which usually translates into a headache. It should be passing any second now.” The voice is actually not terrible to listen to. Female too, which is always a plus. And she’s speaking very softly. I could get use to this kind of consideration.
My head did clear up pretty quickly, letting me open my eyes. Let’s see: wooden floor, small bed, lots of books on shelves, and a... “What?” I don’t know what that is. There’s a purple... I want to call it a creature, but it’s smiling happily at me. It looks far too friendly and cute to be called by such an offensive term.
Looking around, I don’t see anyone else here. So, why not try the obvious?
“What are you?” I ask as politely as I can. Okay, that’s not a very polite thing to say, but I said it politely! That counts for something, right? But oddly enough, even though long years of customer service has trained me to fake social graces, I find that I don’t really need to fake it right now. Kind of strange really.
If anything, its smile grew. “You don’t recognize me?” it... she, that’s definitely a female... claps her... hooves? Yes, those are hooves. “Almost everyone else I’ve brought over has had some form of pre-existing knowledge about Equestria. Which can save time explaining the situation, but it causes a lot more confusion with misrepresentations and assumptions from their knowledge base.”
She must have noticed that she was losing me, because she gets back to the topic at hand. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. I am an Equestrian Alicorn, one of the five primary races, also referred to as tribes, of pony; which is the most populous species to inhabit the country of Equestria, where you are currently located.”
I get the feeling that she’s done this before. Because she sits calmly and lets me digest that rather dense bit of information.
“Okay, I’m in a country called Equestria?” This is reminding me of a lot of anime series. “Am I on Earth?”
“We call our world Earth too,” she says as she shakes her head, “but you are not on your world.” Again, she’s showing experience in dealing with this kind of situation. “Don’t worry about getting home,” Yea, she’s done this a lot... “ as the spell that is bringing you here has several layers of safeguards. In order to be completed, you are required to give consent for the transfer to last past the next sunrise, which is in approximately ten hours. If you say the words ‘send me home’ with the intent to return to your world before then, the spell will instantly send you back to your previous location. Saying the phrase ‘let me stay’ with intent will finalize the spell and you will stay here. Even then, the spell can be reversed until a full year has passed. After approximately one year the traces of your origin fade and you are here permanently,” she said with a proud nod.
I take a moment to be sure I have all that. “Alright. So, I’ve got all night to make my choice, and even if I make the wrong one, you can reverse it at any time for a full year. That’s a lot of safeguards.”
“Of course! A spell of this nature would never pass review without such protections! Especially as it’s near impossible to attain informed consent prior to casting it.” She actually looked a little affronted at my surprise. I’m a little impressed with these ponies now, I wish humans had such morals.
“Okay,” Hmm... I seem to be saying that a lot. “Tell me more about Equestria. You said this was a pony country?”
“That’s right,” she nods, “Ponies make up approximately ninety two percent of the one point nine four billion citizens of Equestria. The other eight percent is split between our largest minorities, which are primarily minotaurs, zebras and griffins.” This girl knows her numbers. She doesn’t even pause as she continues, “Settlement sizes range from the smallest villages, such as here in Ponyville at five hundred and seven, to our most populous city, Fillidelphia at just over six hundred thousand.” Yea... she REALLY knows her numbers. I mean seriously, who just knows that kind of stuff right off the bat like that?
I can’t help but chuckle a bit at her enthusiasm and detail. “Wow, girl. Twilight, right?” I pause for her nod, “You must really love–”
It hits me.
“I’m not on Earth any more.” She opens her mouth, probably to correct me, but changes her mind and simply nods. “Dominant species is ponies here.” Another hesitation and nod. “Let me stay.”
I feel a small jolt as everything seems to come into better focus. Which really let me get a good look at Twilight’s confused face.
“Not that I’m at all unhappy with your decision,” she says, “but that was awfully fast. Why did you choose already? I expected to–”
“Don’t you see? No humans!” I can hardly contain myself. This is the best news is the history of ever! “No humans! That means no pollution! No humans means no more petty greed!”
“Umm... I’m not sure–”
“No more politics!”
“We actu–”
“No more bullying! No more wars!”
“What are–”
“You’ll turn me into a pony right?”
“WHAT!?” Her wings are mantling, and she looks pretty shocked. Not sure why though, it’s a perfectly logical conclusion. Maybe I got a little too enthusiastic? Oh, she has wings! Neat! “Why in the name of all that is equine would I do THAT?”
“It’s the only thing that makes sense.” She’s starting to look a little frazzled. I guess I am in her personal space a bit. I back off a little as I reply, “You wouldn’t want to introduce a plague like humanity onto a new world! We’d breed like locusts, steal all your resources, subjugate the other races, and get up to all kinds of nastiness! Not to mention how ugly we all are inside and out. I mean, just look at them! Everyone you see is either horrifically obese or spoiled rotten. Usually both! And don’t get me started on *mmfph*"
Somehow my lips are now a closed zipper. I’ve gotta say, I don’t know what to make of that. Aaaand I seem to be immobilized with some purple glowy stuff too. Which is floating me back to the bed I woke up on. Again, I’m not sure just what to make of this.
“All right mister. That’s about enough of that.” Oh... was I ranting? I was ranting. “First off, I’m going to clarify a couple of misconceptions you seem to have. Ponies have flaws just like humans do.” Now that’s just silly. Everyone knows that humans are the only living thing that hunts for fun, bullies, or destroys their own habitat. Oh, she’s still talking. I think I missed a little. “–and we also have our own share of bullying, war, greed and lies... we even have politics, though I assume it’s not as endemic as I’ve seen in the human world, given that we are technically a dictatorship.”
I would have probably interrupted here if I could (Dictator ponies? That can’t be right!), but you know... zipped lips and all.
“And where do you get off on saying you’re ugly!?” I’m not sure if she’s mad or just frustrated, but she’s starting to pace. “Those long legs, that smooth skin, such a well defined rump. Not to mention the natural grace and agility you all naturally have. And don’t get me started on the hands you all come with. Just enough claw for great scratches, strong and gentle enough for those amazing massages, and soft enough for all the other amazing things you can do with them!”
Twilight stops her pacing, I guess she's confidant that she has a bullet proof case. “You may be blind to this for some reason. But both comparative empirical data and widespread personal opinion agree:”
She jabs a hoof at me. “Humans are sexy!”
...
Wow... I think my brain just broke. Either that or this pony is not right in the head. I must have blanked out for a minute, it looks like she’s waiting for me to say something.
“Did you just say that you find humans attractive?” I mean, I can’t have heard that right. Right? Oh, hey! I can talk again. I didn’t even notice the zipper thingy go away. “What can you possibly find attractive about a messed up species like us? I mean sure, women can be fun to look at. But have you ever even talked to one? They’re all the same! Greedy, self absorbed, stuck up... Seriously, you really don’t know what you’re talking about. And *mmrgp*” And the zipper’s back. Joy.
“I’m sorry about that,” HA! Twilight must have seen my patent pending ‘Glare of Doom’. “but we will never make any progress if you continually go off on tangential rants. Let’s just take this one topic at a time.”
There’s a quick flash and now she’s got... Is that a quill? And that's a scroll. Seriously? And now she’s taking notes... well, at least this proves she’s listening to me. Already infinitely more respect than any human has ever treated me with.
“Now, let’s gather the available data. You stipulate that all human females are greedy, self absorbed and... I think you said ‘stuck up’? If I am understanding you correctly, these are all related assertions. What are your experiences with this?”
Queue the zipper unzipping. That’s such an odd feeling, how did I not notice it before? Oh, right, she’s asking me a question. “That’s easy, any time I try to get a date I get ignored. Any woman I approach just wants to talk about their friends, their family, their job. That’s all they care about: them, them, them. As if I want to talk about that. None of them ever care about me. Totally self absorbed.”
Twilight finished her notes and spent a few minutes re-reading them. I think I may already be opening her eyes. She certainly looks confused. I think I can take that as a good thing. After all, it’s got to be tough learning that not everyone is as friendly as you are.
“So, you assert that all women are self centered. And you base this off of your sample size of?” She trails off to let me fill in the blank.
“A half dozen or so,” I say as I nod.
“... There’s too much else wrong with this. I’m not even going to get into relative sample size.” No kidding! There’s so much wrong with even that little bit that I already told her. At least she can see that.
“You say that these women, all six of them, like to talk about their friends and family.”
I nod.
“So they all do, in fact, have friends and family. And I assume they care deeply about their friends and family. And you are telling me that they only care about them selves.”
“That’s right.” I don’t get why she’s stressing things like that. We can both see what’s wrong with this picture. She’s rubbing her head now. I understand, this must be really hard to hear.
“This could just be an isolated phenomena,” she mutters to herself. HA! You and I both wish, Twilight! Just wait until you hear the rest of what I have to tell you about humanity! Oh, she’s talking to me again. I really should try to pay more attention to what she’s saying. “You were about to tell me about another topic.”
And so I did. We covered all the deep dark nastiness that humans live to wallow in. Politics, war, environmental destruction, gender inequality, slavery, crime...
We must have talked through the entire night. It was probably the most satisfying conversation I’ve ever had. Twilight would always listen to everything I had to say, then stop me to review each topic and repeat it all back to me. She did keep stressing odd things in her reviews. I’m not sure why, perhaps it’s just her way of remembering things? Oh well, at least she understands humanity now. After one last look at her rather lengthy scroll of notes, she sets it aside and turns to me.
“I have come to the conclusion that you are absolutely correct.” Score one for ponies! The very first one I meet and she actually listens to me! “We cannot encourage misogyny, misanthropy, hypocrisy, or worst of all, willful blindness to flourish here in Equestria. Thankfully, I have a large enough sample size of humanity to know that your case is an extreme outlier,” she says as she lights up her horn.
I’m positively giddy at this point. “So you’ll turn me into a pony now?”
“Nope, I’m sending you home. You need help.”