The One and Only
Pinkie Pie sat on her perch, binoculars raised against eyes that shone with glee. Although she was stone still, her body yearned to move, but that would certainly warn her prey. Below, seemingly oblivious, was her friend Twilight Sparkle. Just as Pinkie predicted, her bookish friend was entering the only bookstore in town without so much as a glance over her shoulder. Once her prey was no longer in sight, Pinkie stretched her sore limbs and put the binoculars away before sliding out of the tree.
Out of the tree and right in front of her friend, Rainbow Dash, who had been watching her with a bemused expression. “Pinkie Pie, what are you doing?” she asked. Dash could count the amount of times she had snuck up on Pinkie on one hand, so to finally make it to both hands was a treat.
“Oh, hi Dashie!” Pinkie yelled, forgetting that she was on a stealth mission. Besides, Twilight was probably stuck in some book by now and dead to the world. Pinkie could fill her party cannon with live ammunition and fire at a gas station and be sure Twilight wouldn’t notice. “Are you here to help? That’s so nice of you, but I’ve got this under control.”
“Got what under control?” Dash asked, raising an eyebrow and looking over Pinkie’s camouflage.
“Stalking Twilight, of course! It’s not the same if it’s the two of us, I think, otherwise it’d be pretty creepy. But I’m still a beginner at this, so maybe you should tag along because I mean Twilight brought Spike around to take notes but then he kind of screwed up and made everything not fun.”
The gears in Dash’s head were running overtime. In another world, Pinkie was sure she would see smoke coming out of her friend’s ears, and maybe even her eyes! Nothing happened, but the thoughts, combined with Pinkie’s standard breakfast of ten chocolate pancakes covered in syrup and sugar, made Pinkie’s smile stretch to inhuman lengths. “You said you’re stalking Twilight? Why?”
“Gosh, Dash, I thought you were super speedy! Why are you so slow to understand all of this?” Pinkie said with a dramatic sigh. Wrapping an arm over her friend’s shoulder, she pointed into the sky. Dash looked at the cloud that Pinkie happened to be gesturing at, but any chances to talk died when Pinkie continued with, “A week ago, while you were writing your poetry in Whitetail Woods under the guise of practicing your running, Twilight got a taste of my Pinkie Sense! Because she’s a super-silly-no-listeny, she followed me around town to examine me in my natural habitat! Although I’d make a boring exhibit in any zoo, wouldn’t you say? I’m just glad she didn’t have any tranquilizers!”
Anyone walking by could see that Dash disagreed, but Pinkie continued, oblivious to the fact that she was gradually becoming incoherent. “So I was up all night two last yesterdays ago and I kept coming back to how fun that day was! I mean, it was so great that not even the hydra nearly eating Spike and Fluttershy and Applejack and Twilight could’ve dampened it! Can you understand? It was like when you go to the store and find that they’ve finally gotten more of those figures for that show you love to watch but haven’t told anyone about! Even me!”
Dash’s face turned red. “Pinkie, does this have a point?”
“Of course it does! Everything I do has a point! Is there a point to why you decided to dress up in jeans and a t-shirt when you were dying to wear that dress?”
“WILL YOU STOP THAT?!” Dash blurted, causing several heads to look at them. “I DIDN’T WANT TO WEAR A DRESS!!” her face turned maroon when she realized what she had said. Hanging her head, she said, “Screw it, I don’t even want to know anymore.”
“But I haven’t gotten to the best part! The real reason!” Pinkie felt Dash move out from under her arm and hastily added, “I won’t throw in any more embarrassing facts, Dashie! Promise!”
Dash glared at Pinkie, but didn’t make any move to get away. Pinkie didn’t mind the waves of loathing seeping from her friend. “I’m out here because everything was just so fun! Who thought knowing someone was watching you from afar could make me so happy! I felt like I had to up my game to make sure Twilight was happy too, so I even rolled around outside of the school! I saw some scared kids looking at me from the window, but I hope Twilight got a chuckle!”
“So you liked being watched. Why are you watching Twilight? Returning the favor or something?” Dash mumbled.
“Oooo you are a quick one, aren’t you Dashie?” Pinkie asked, poking a finger into Dash’s forehead. “If I was going to pay Twilight back in full, the roles would have to be reversed! She watched me for half a day and I just started because the Cakes needed me to work because silly willy Pound Cake had an accident in the kitchen. Which is kind of sad because the sun is going to go down soon.”
“Whoa whoa whoa, back up,” Dash said. “Did you say there was an accident, like a baby accident, in the kitchen?”
“Lighten up, Dashie!” Pinkie said with a laugh. “There’s no way the Cakes would sell tainted products!”
Dash didn’t look amused. In fact, she looked a little green. “I think I’m going to lay down now,” she said and walked away without saying goodbye. Pinkie didn’t mind, because suddenly realized that she was standing on the sidewalk in her camouflage. To make matters worse, Twilight was walking out of the bookstore, two bags in each hand and another bag floating in the air above her. Pinkie cursed and threw herself into the bushes before her friend noticed.
Twilight walked past, humming a tune that had been popular for a week then died then came back last week. Pinkie held her breath, not daring to move a muscle. When Twilight was gone, she scrambled out of the bush and looked at her watch. “This is perfect! With that many books and at this hour, there’s only one place she’s going and I can beat her there!” Pinkie clapped her hands with delight and skipped down the sidewalk.
For the second time that day, Pinkie found herself in a tree, using her binoculars to peer into another tree. Whoever had decided to make a library out of a tree was a genius. Once Twilight had gotten home, she had done her job as the librarian before retiring to her upstairs room. From there, she had been reading. And reading. And reading. Pinkie’s binoculars showed the slight tics that let her know her friend was still alive.
Pinkie frowned and let out a sigh. The tree was giving her a terrible wedgie and the bugs were starting to annoy her. When would Twilight do something fun to watch? She looked at her watch and was not surprised to see that it was almost midnight. That was when it happened. Twilight Sparkle, immovable literature statue, moved. Pinkie’s eyes glued themselves to the binoculars as she watched her friend stand up from her desk and walk away from the window. With a loud curse that resulted from too much time with Fluttershy, Pinkie scrambled higher up the tree to get a better view.
She blushed when she realized that she was looking into Twilight’s bathroom. Her friend was looking at herself in the mirror, leaning in, inspecting something on her face. Then she leaned back and undid her belt, her pants sliding down to the ground. Pinkie felt herself blush and her heart started beating in her throat. Should I be watching this? Pinkie wondered. She decided that, in order to pay Twilight back in full, she had to. Twilight removed her shirts next, almost slowly releasing the buttons. Pinkie was surprised to see that her friend wasn’t wearing a bra and bit her lower lip. Before her, a very naked Twilight Sparkle dipped her toe into the bath, testing the water and, finding it to her liking, slipped in.
Embarrassed, Pinkie reached into her vest and started scarfing whatever snacks she had left. Cookies, brownies, licorice, all of them disappeared into her mouth, but she didn’t notice. Her eyes couldn’t leave the oddly addictive scene before her. When Twilight was done and stood up to get out of the tub, Pinkie started to completely miss her mouth. She jammed sweets into her cheeks and the sides of the binoculars as Twilight slowly ran her warm towel over her reddened skin. Twilight left the bathroom wrapped in her towel, leaving Pinkie speechless and covered in crumbs across the street.
And that was when inspiration struck.
Twilight was knocked out of her dream with the force of a buffalo ramming into her chest. She thrashed around in her covers as the sound of something was running towards her door. “Twilight!” Pinkie called before kicking her friend’s door down. “TWILIGHT!? Are you up!?”
“Pinkie?” Twilight asked, extinguishing the fireball she had conjured. “Is something wrong?” she asked, concerned.
“You better believe it! I just made something super delicious and I need someone to taste it, sooooo,” Pinkie said and suddenly materialized next to her friend, “I’d like that someone to be you.”
Twilight scooted away from Pinkie, or tried to. Pinkie sat on the bed, uncomfortably leaning close. She smelled like a bakery, Twilight thought. Which shouldn’t be a surprise, she added. “Pinkie, can’t this wait until I’m awake?” she groaned.
“But you’re awake right now,” Pinkie whined. She pressed her nose against Twilight’s, and all Twilight could see were her friend’s large, innocent, for some reason half-lidded, eyes. “It won’t take long, I brought them with me,” Pinkie said, lowering her voice. Twilight tried to back up, but she found herself pressed against the wall, and Pinkie refused to back up.
On the other side of the room, Spike watched in horror, his mind flipping through the disturbing stories he had found on the internet. Deciding that he didn’t want to die or lose the pure images of any of his friends, he filled his backpack and ran out of the library screaming, but neither Twilight nor Pinkie noticed.
Twilight sighed, not caring if Pinkie didn’t like the smell of morning breath. As far as she was concerned, Pinkie deserved it for the lack of appreciating her personal space! “Fine. I’ll try your newest concoction.”
Pinkie giggled and pulled out a tray. “Silly Twilight, it’s not a concoction, it’s a desert! I was up all night thinking of the name, but I like calling them twinkies. What do you think?”
Twilight looked at the elongated sponge cakes on the silver tray. Part of her tried to ignore how they shone in the sunlight. Just how healthy were these things, anyway? Twilight was going to object, but her stomach rumbled and Pinkie saw that as a sign to cram one of the twinkies into Twilight’s mouth.
“Sooooo what do you think? I tried to make them the perfect combination of delicious yummy cake and smooth creamy goodness!” Pinkie’s eyes grew to the size of saucers as she slammed her face against Twilight’s again.
Unnerved, Twilight chewed on the twinkie, if only to get Pinkie out of her face. What had gotten into her friend? Twilight’s caffeine deprived brain finally clicked and she realized that the twinkie was actually good. “Pinkie, this is delicious!” she gushed, eagerly grabbing another.
“I’m so glad to hear you say that, Twilight! Y’see, I was kind of nervous because I had to get the flavor juuuust right and I couldn’t think of giving this to anyone else to test, no siree!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? Why couldn’t you take this to anyone else?” Consulting her mental map, Twilight determined that, if Pinkie HAD to take the twinkie to one of her close friends, Rarity or Rainbow Dash would’ve been better candidates.
“Well, it had to be you because you’re the reason why I made these,” Pinkie backed away with a blush. Seeing Twilight’s confusion, she continued. “Remember when you followed me around a while back? Well, I was returning the favor yesterday, and things got a little… out of hand.”
Twilight stopped chewing. “What do you mean?” Pinkie winced at her tone.
“I could explain everything, but I need you to promise that you won’t be mad at me.” Pinkie gave a weak smile. To Pinkie’s credit, she didn’t falter when faced with Twilight’s stone set expression of indifference teetering on anger.
“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said, “what did you see me do yesterday?”
“Are you going to get mad?”
Twilight glared in response.
“Uhhm, well, yesterday, I might have been watching you bathing.” Pinkie must have seen the tics Twilight felt, because her speech became hurried. “It’s just that when you were watching me for your science experiment, you watched me for half a day until we went to the swamp to get Fluttershy, so I figured that I owed you half a day because it was so much fun to be watched, so I thought that you’d like to be watched as well! But I couldn’t watch you until the evening because I had to work overtime at Sugarcube Corner and then you went to the bookstore and you read forever and then you took the bath and… well, I got a little embarrassed, so I tried to take my mind off of it by eating a lot of sweets and when I woke up I had a terrible tummy ache but I knew, I knew that I had to capture the magic of that moment of sugar and arousal so I created these!” Pinkie ended her rant with a large, hopeful smile.
Twilight bored holes into Pinkie with her glare. She felt her jaw tighten and her nostrils flare. In plain view, her hands were curled into fists and writhing with magical energy. “Pinkie Pie,” she slowly said, words dripping with venom. “What the fuck.”
“Uh, sorry?” Pinkie offered with a nervous giggle. She slid off of the bed and slowly backed towards the stairs. Twilight threw her sheets off and Pinkie ran out the door.
Applejack was driving down the road in her truck. She had the radio playing softly, her finger tapping on the steering wheel in time to the drums. Suddenly, Pinkie Pie ran across the road, causing Applejack to slam on the brakes. Pinkie was holding a silver tray, screaming something about selling twinkies and about how she was sorry. Confused, Applejack was about to hit the gas, but Twilight ran across the street, hurling fireballs and screaming. Taking a deep breath, Applejack looked at her watch. “8:30,” she muttered. “It’s definitely going to be one of those days.” Trying to regain her sense of carelessness before seeing Pinkie and Twilight, Applejack gently pressed down on the gas pedal. She tried to think of it as another day of going into town and not into a future warzone.