Diamond Tiara becomes an alicorn princess. Silverspoon is well jel.
Diamond Tiara becomes an alicorn princess. She gets up to adventures and stuff. Silverspoon is well jel. Also, Celestia has a crush on them. (This story is a parody, obviously. Though I genuinely believe that Diamond Tiara is a character that needs more love. She's adorable.)
Chapter 1 — Diamond Tiara is so awesome that Celestia makes her into an alicorn princess and Silverspoon is well jel and also Celestia crushes on them!!
One day, Diamond Tiara was walking down the street, just, you know, doing pony stuff and telling blank flanks to stop being so lame, when suddenly, completely out of the blue, she reflected on how awesome she was. "Yeah, I really am awesome," she said. "Without me spurring them on, half the blank flanks in our class probably wouldn't have been so desperate to get their cutie marks, and wouldn't have tried doing loads of cool new stuff, so wouldn't have found their very special talents."
"That's a very good point," said Princess Celestia, who was there, by the way. "I was just on my way here to banish you to Tartarus, but now I see that you and your friend really are awesome, so I'm not going to do that any more."
Diamond Tiara started fangirling. "A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess! A princess!"
Celestia looked at Silverspoon, who was there too, by the way, and then back at Diamond Tiara. "I don't suppose you two might want to have a threesome?"
Silverspoon nodded her head. "Ewwww!" whined Diamond Tiara, "you're like thousands of years old, and I'm like 10 or something." Silverspoon hung her head with disappointment.
"OK, just checking. Forget I mentioned it," said Celestia, remembering that that really wasn't where this story was supposed to be going anyway. "Anyway, what I was thinking was we've got, like, 4 alicorn princesses in Equestrium, and I was thinking like 4... 4... 4 is so random. Why 4? Wouldn't 5 be better? 5 is prime, like Optimus Prime. What if we ever needed to have a vote? Wouldn't it be better to have an odd number? I mean, we never need to have a vote because the other princesses are my bitches, but you know, like what if? So I was thinking maybe you might want to be an alicorn princess?"
"What took you so long?" asked Diamond Tiara.
"What about me?" asked Silverspoon.
"Sorry, you're awesome too, but Diamond Tiara's just a bit more awesome. She's like 20% awesomer," said Celestia.
"I know," said Silverspoon sadly, hanging her head in shame.
"I've already got the tiara," said Diamond Tiara.
"ikr?" said Celestia.
So Celestia waved her magic horn and some magic stuff came out of it and went into Diamond Tiara's back and she grew wings and Celestia was like "oh, you're an alicorn," and Diamond Tiara was like "oh, but I don't have a horn," and Celestia was like "sorry, I forgot you weren't a unicorn to begin with," and Diamond Tiara was like "ikr? I forget myself sometimes," and then Celestia was like "ok, I'll give you the horn," and she sniggered because that sounded rude, and then she gave Diamond Tiara the horn, and Silverspoon was well jel.
And that is how Diamond Tiara became an alicorn princess.
So the next day I was walkng around Ponyville and I saw Twilight Sparkle and I say, "hey, I'm an alicorn now," and she's all like, "yeah, Celestia said she were gonna do that," and I'm like, "cool," and then I'm like, "so how do you use these alicorn powers and stuff?" and she's like going on about studying and stuff so I just zap her with my horn, and I'm like, "yeah, it took you years to get your powers under control and look, I did it overnight, sucker," because oh, yeah, I was really good at magic and stuff.
So anyway, I went to the Hayburger, and Silverspoon was there, and the cutie mark crybabies were there, and I'm like, "hey, Silverspoon, watch this!" and I zap Appleblume with my powers and she says, "ow, Ah think that really hurt," and I zap Sweetie Bell with my powers and she's like, "ow, why'd you do that Diamond Tiara, and when did you become an amazingly awesome alicorn princess," and I'm like, "yesterday, it's your turn now Scootaloo," and she says, "OK," and I zap her and she says, "ow".
And then I zap Silverspoon but we both laugh about it afterwards, so we're cool.
And then I see Buttonmash and I'm like "that guy deserves, like, 3 zaps because of the hat."
But I only give him two because I am a benevolent ruler.
Princess Diamond Tiara had been asked by Celestia or someone to greet some important foreign visitors. They had been llamas or something.
Princess Diamond Tiara had greeted them and had said, "I had been the alicorn princess Diamond Tiara. I have been pleased to meet with you."
And they had said, "yes, we had heard you were awesome. Tales had come to our native land of Llamaland of how awesome you have been, but we had not believed them, but now we have seen for ourselves, we have decided you are really as awesome as the tales have said you are, maybe even 20% more awesome," and Princess Diamond Tiara had said, "I had thought maybe 25%," and they had nodded.
And then Princess Diamond Tara had flown into the air and had zapped a griffon because llamas hate griffons because they had stolen all the llamas' food or something. And they had cheered because Princess Diamond Tiara had zapped it, so they had signed the peace treaty or whatever and then they had gone back home to Llamatown.
And that had been how Diamond Tiara had handled her first important diplomatic visit.
And Rainbow Dash patted her on the back and said, "good job," because she was there, by the way. And Flutter Shy, and Apple Jack, and Rarity, and Pinkie, but not Twilight because Celestia didn't need two princesses there, so she just sent the most awesomest one.
Diamond Tiara wanted to learn how to teleport to places. She wished she hadn't been so quick to zap Twilight Sparkle, now she'd have to apologize. "No, why should I apologize?" she said.
"I think you should," Silverspoon asked.
"What I mean is why should I apologize when you can do it for me?" said Diamond Tiara.
"No," queried Silverspoon. And that is how it came about that Silverspoon had to apologize to Twilight Sparkle. So she did.
Diamond Tiara and Twilight Sparkle hugged, now good friends. "OK, you can let go of me now," said Diamond Tiara, awesomely.
"Do I have to? You're just so awesome and adorable," squealed Twilight Sparkle, who was fangirling a lot.
"Yes, we have more important stuff to do. Like princess stuff," questioned Diamond Tiara. Twilight Sparkle fluttered her eyelids seductively. "No, not that princess stuff. Well, maybe that princess stuff later, but important stuff now. Teleportation stuff."
So Twilight taught Diamond Tiara how to do teleportation. I'm not going to explain it to all of you lot right now on account of you lot not being alicorns, but I'll just tell you one thing. It was really easy for Diamond Tiara to learn how to do teleportation stuff, and after a few minutes she even could do it even better than Twilight Sparkle.
"Bucking Jeezhooves, Twilight, can't you even teleport the sun and the moon?" stated Diamond Tiara, and she teleported the sun and the moon all around the place. Now she could do Celestia and Luna's jobs if she wanted to, but she didn't want to. "So now I'll teleport myself," she asked.
And Diamond Tiara teleported to Tartarus and Tirek gave her a high five.
And then Diamond Tiara teleported to Sugarcube Corner and caught Mr and Mrs Cake in bed together. "Ewwww!" she asked.
And then Diamond Tiara teleported to Luna's room in the castle and watched her sleeping for like an hour or something.
And then Diamond Tiara teleported to Twilight's castle again. "OK, bye Twilight," she queried and teleported back home again.
And that's how Equestria was made.
Chapter 5 — Diamond Tiara, Twilight, and Silverspoon have a tea party
Princess Diamond Tiara had invited Twilight over for tea to discuss stuff. Important princess stuff. "Oh, crap," she thought, "Twilight is totally in love with me. If she comes over and I'm here all alone, that will be awkward. I need somepony else to have tea with us."
She went to the kitchen where Silverspoon and the CMCs were making cakes and biscuits and stuff, because by the way, they all worked for her now, because she was an awesome princess, and they were not. And Silverspoon had an evil look on her face.
"Hey, I need you to have tea with me and Princess Twilight," said Princess Diamond Tiara.
"Yay! Cutie Mark Crusaders tea party!" said that idiot Scootaloo.
"Not you, just Silverspoon. The rest of you can eat the spare biscuits and cakes and stuff here in the servants' quarters," said Princess Diamond Tiara, generously.
"Awwww..." said the idiot.
"Yay, biscuits!" squealed Sweetiebell in her annoying high-pitched voice.
Silverspoon trotted out of the kitchen with an evil look on her face.
Anyway, so Twilight got there, and they were all drinking tea and eating cake and stuff. They discussed lots of important princess stuff, and Princess Diamond Tiara made Silverspoon put her hooves in her ears during that part so she didn't hear the princess stuff. And Twilight was totally flirting with Princess Diamond Tiara because she was so awesome and Twilight knew it. And Silverspoon was twirling her moustache in an evil way, because she'd grown a moustache in this chapter, by the way. And then Princess Diamond Tiara bit into one of the biscuits.
"Aha!" said Silverspoon, jumping up so high her monacle and top hat fell off, because that was what she was wearing. "Now you will die, and Celestia will make me the next alicorn princess in your place!"
And Princess Diamond Tiara was like "wtf?"
And Silverspoon was like "You have eaten the peanut biscuit and now you will die!" because she thought Princess Diamond Tiara was alergic to peanuts.
"I'm not alergic to peanuts," said Princess Diamond Tiara.
Silverspoon was all like, "Oh, I thought you were."
"No," said Princess Diamond Tiara, "you're thinking about Sweetiebell."
"Oh crap," said Silverspoon and rushed to the kitchen. Princess Diamond Tiara heard her crying and went to see what the matter was.
"What was the matter?" said Twilight when Princess Diamond Tiara returned a minute later.
"Oh, Sweetiebell died so I had to bring her back to life with my alicorn magic."
Twilight was like, "You know necromancy spells?!"
"You don't?" said Princess Diamond Tiara. "Honestly, you're a bit slow, aren't you?"
Twilight hung her head in shame.
"I'm sorry about trying to murder you," said Silverspoon.
"That's OK, we're still besties," said Princess Diamond Tiara, because she was a very forgiving and magnanimous ruler. And she zapped Silverspoon hard on the flank making her squeal. "No hard feelings, but I do need to make an example of you."
"Actually," said Silverspoon, "I rather liked it. Do you think we could--"
Princess Diamond Tiara zapped her again. "Get to my bedroom!" she said.
"Yes, mistress," said Silverspoon meekly, walking up the stairs.
Chapter 6 — Princess Diamond Tiara chooses a consort
So you're in Princess Diamond Tiara's room and Princess Diamond Tiara comes in and she's like, "hey, Silverspoon, I finally got rid of Twilight. She was like all trying to kiss me and stuff, and I was like all, no, no, I only have eyes for Silverspoon, so anyway she's gone now and we can do it."
And you're like, "yay, because you're so hot Di, and you're so sexy, and so powerful, and famous, and beautiful, and awesome."
And she's like, "please call me Princess Diamond Tiara."
And you're like, "sorry, Princess Diamond Tiara."
And she zaps you on the flank with her alicorn magic. And you like really enjoy that but I can't go into detail about what way you enjoy that because this is T-rated, but you really enjoy it if you catch my drift. (You do, right?)
And then you do it, and you both really enjoy it, but again I can't go into details, because T-rated.
And a few hours later, because it lasts for hours, she's like, "holy buck, Silverspoon, why have we never done that before?" and you're like, "I've been waiting to do that since I first met you," and she's like, "but we've known each other since we were, like, 4. You're seriously saying you wanted to do that when we were 4," and you're all like, "yes".
And then she uses her alicorn magic to make a diamond ring and she gets down on three knees and says, "Silverspoon, will you marry me?" and you jump and and down and start fangirlling like seriously a lot, and then you say, "yes," and she smiles at you and gets up from her knees and you kiss and hug and do that sort of stuff, but you don't do it again. Not in this chapter anyway.
And then she says, "but that doesn't mean you'll be a princess. You can be like… a baroness."
And you're like, "a baroness? That sounds worse than what I am now."
And she says, "wait a minute, are the Cutie Mark Crybabies downstairs still?"
And you're like, "I think so," and she's like, "let's go downstairs and tell them about our engagement," and you're like so happy and you nod.
So Princess Diamond Tiara was at Twilight Sparkle's poxy castle talking about princess stuff and wedding stuff and other important stuff.
"Will you be my best mare?" said Princess Diamond Tiara.
"Of course," asked Twi.
"That's good. I would normally ask Silverspoon to do that sort of thing, but she can't on account of her being the groom," questioned Princess Diamond Tiara.
"Isn't it tradition for the best mare to sleep with the bride?" said Twilight, fluttering her eyelids at Princess Diamond Tiara and making a smoochy face.
"Ewwww! No!" asked Princess Diamond Tiara. "You're thinking of the bridesmaids. It's traditional for the best mare to sleep with the bridesmaids."
And then Twilight was all like, "so who are the bridesmaids?" and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "Snips and Snails," and Twily was like, "ewwww!!" and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "only joking, it's the cutie mark cryba-- I mean crusaders."
And Twilight tilted her head to the side and said, "hmmm... interesting. I could work with that."
And then Spike came in and Princess Diamond Tiara totally zapped him with her alicorn magic and turned him into a dog, and Twilight was all like, "don't turn him into a dog. That isn't very nice," and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "but look how cute he looks," and Twilight asked, "yeah, I suppose he is cute, but just turn him back at the end of the day, because he's my pet dragon, not yours," and Princess Diamond Tiara said, "OK," because she was a just and fair ruler.
So then Princess Diamond Tiara went to Rarity's house to get measured for her wedding dress and Sweetiebell was there and she was like, "thank you so much for saving my life Princess Diamond Tiara, you're the most awesomest princess ever, and if you ever need me to do stuff for you, then just ask. Cos I'll do whatever you want. Even, like, sexual stuff," and Princess Diamond Tiara said, "just doing my job."
And Sweetiebell said, "so how did you punish that evil bitch Silverspoon for trying to murder you, and actually murdering me?"
And Princess Diamond Tiara said, "I punished her a bit, but now we're getting married."
And Sweetiebell was so happy and hugged Princess Diamond Tiara, and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "that's enough, you can let go now," and Sweetiebell was like, "do I have to?" and Princess Diamond Tiara said, "yes," and she let go, and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "now you can go and sit in that corner," and Sweetiebell did what she was told.
And Rarity was there, by the way, because it was her house or tent or whatever, and Princess Diamond Tiara said, "I need you to make me a wedding dress," and Rarity was like, "it would be a great honour," and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "yes, get started then."
And Rarity started making the dress.
And then Spike, who Princess Diamond Tiara had totally brought with her, chased Opal away and Rarity was all like, "yay! That cat's really annoying, and it never even helps with the washing up, and that's like totally a reference to Rarara Reports, even though VitalSpark hasn't published it yet," and then she saw Spike and she was like "oooooooooo… what a cute little doggy. Wait, is that Spikey-Wikey?" and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "yeah, of course, duh."
And Rarity was like, "he's so cute. I just want to cuddle him, and kiss him, and nuzzle him, and rub my face on his little fluffy doggy belly for hours," and Spike was like, "oh yeah!" and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "you're supposed to be making my dress though," and Rarity said, "OK," and kept making the dress.
It was the end of the day and the dress was finished. Princess Diamond Tiara tried it on, and it was passable.
So Rarity prepared her face to rub it over Spike's belly for hours, and then Princess Diamond Tiara remembered that she'd promised Twilight she'd turn him back into a dragon at the end of the day, so she turned him back into a dragon. And Rarity was like, "ewwww! Now he's all scaly," and she decided not to rub her face on him, or kiss him, or cuddle him.
And then Spike went home.
And Princess Diamond Tiara went home with the dress, using her alicorn magic to float it along with her.
And Rarity and Sweetiebell watched her go, admiring the sway of her flank as she walked. And Rarity was like, "that was so hot when she was ordering you around," and Sweetiebell was like, "yes."
"Why don't I get a bucking castle?" opined Princess Diamond Tiara.
"I dunno, Di," asked Silverspoon, "Twilight didn't get a castle when she first became a princess. The tree of harmony gave her one."
Princess Diamond Tiara said, "I told you before Silverspoon, you can call me 'Princess Diamond Tiara', or you can call me 'mistress'. That is all."
"Yes, mistress."
So Princess Diamond Tiara went to Appleblume and Appleblume was like, "hey, Di, are you here to ask me about trees? Because I live on a farm and know a lot about trees," and Princess Diamond Tiara was all like, "yes, I am here to ask you about trees. Because you live on a farm and know a lot about trees," and Appleblume was like, "I thought so," and Princess Diamond Tiara asked, "yes."
"So anyway, Twilight got a castle from the tree of harmony, and I wanted to know if there were any other trees with cool names," said Princess Diamond Tiara.
"I only know of one," said Appleblume.
"What's it called?" said Princess Diamond Tiara.
"It's called Blume Berg," said Appleblume.
"Where is it?" said Princess Diamond Tiara.
"Appleloosa," said Appleblume.
So that is why Princess Diamond Tiara went to Appleloosa. She saw Blume Berg and was all like, "Blume Berg, I want a castle," and he was all like, "I'll give you a castle if you give me a kiss," and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "that's all I need to do?" and Blume Berg was all like, "yeah, because you're a total hottie and I'd do anything for a kiss from you. And also you're awesome, and powerful, and great," and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "ok, then," and Blume Berg was like, "oh, did I mention we have to use tongues?"
So they kissed and it was the best thing that had ever happened to Blume Berg.
And then Blume Berg erected a castle in her honour, and it was massive. It was back in Ponytown though. He didn't do it in Appleloosa, because Princess Diamond Tiara would never live in such a loser place.
And Princess Diamond Tiara moved into the castle and Filthy Rich was all like, "I'm going to miss you, my sweet Diamond."
And Princess Diamond Tiara was all like, "if you're going to miss me so much, then why did you never make a single jot of effort to spend time with me before I ascended to royalty?! Why is it only now that you're suddenly so keen to be the doting father?"
Diamond Tiara would often see Scooterloo hanging around looking sad. Or even if she didn't look sad, she looked like a lame-o. She thought that now she was a princess, she should do something nice for the lame-o.
"I'm adopting you," she said, and then Scooterloo was like, "but--."
"No, you don't need to thank me. I'll be your mummy and Silverspoon will be your daddy."
"Why do I have to be the daddy?" stated Silverspoon.
"Because I'm a princess and princesses can't be daddies." So Silverspoon and Diamond Tiara went to see Mare Mayor, and they were like, "we're going to adopt Scooterloo," and Mare Mayor was like, "but you can't," and Diamond Tiara was like, "but I'm a princess. I'm your boss. You can't tell me what I can do. If I want to adopt a orphan, I can," and Mare Mayor was like, "but she's not an orphan. Sure, her father died — it was very sad — but she lives with her mother, here in Ponytown."
So they talked to Mare Mayor some more and later went to the cutie mark crybabies' lame club house, and Diamond Tiara explained what had happened and said, "so that's why we couldn't adopt you Scooterloo," and Scooterloo was like, "that's what I was trying to tell you if you'd listened," and Diamond Tiara zapped her for being so rude, but only a little zap because it's mean to zap orphans and ponies that look like orphans.
"Anyway," said Silverspoon, "so that's why we adopted Appleblume instead."
"Coffee! Coffee! More coffee! I need more coffee!" politely requested Princess Diamond Tiara.
Appleblume, Apple Jack, and Bigmack ran to get her coffee. Adopting those poor orphans had been an excellent decision.
Appleblume approached her cautiously. "Ah still don' see wha ya need all dis coffee," she said in her barely intelligible voice.
"Yeah, that's more coffee than mayflies on May Day," said Apple Jack, who always felt the need to add pointless similes to everything anypony said.
"Luna's going on holiday and she's given me a very important job. I have to go and spy on everypony while they're asleep," asked Diamond Tiara, "but it means I need to stay up ALLLLLLLLL night!"
So Diamond drank the coffee and started spying.
* * *
And she went into Pinkie Pie's dream, and she was having a party with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie was wearing a big white dress, and Rainbow was wearing a suit.
* * *
And she went into Lyra's dream and there were lots of humans and they were sitting on benches in a weird way.
And some were dancing.
* * *
Limbs writhed under the bed sheets, which were decorated with a sun logo. "Mmmm..." came a moan from under the sheets. "You put your hoof there Diamond, and you put yours there Silverspoon..."
Diamond Tiara pulled back the sheets to find Princess Celestia in a rather compromising position with Silverspoon and herself. Three copies of herself as it happens.
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! You should be ashamed of yourself, Celestia, dreaming something like this!"
"Me?!" said Celestia.
Silverspoon blushed.
* * *
And she went into Spike's dream, and he was giving Sweetiebell's big sister a hoof massage.
* * *
And then she went to another dream which was even weirder, and then she went home.
"Well, that was weird," said Diamond Tiara.
Chapter 11 — Diamond Tiara at the Grand Galloping Gala
"Oh my Celestia! Oh my Celestia!" cried Silverspoon.
"Nearly there…" said Princess Diamond Tiara. They were going faster and faster.
Silverspoon was really excited. "I'm coming!"
"Yes, I know. I'm making you come!" said Princess Diamond Tiara.
Princess Diamond Tiara had looked into Appleblume's bedroom but saw that Appleblume was coming with Apple Jack. She had gone to Rarity's shop and Rarity and Sweetiebell were dressing each other up in little outfits. And she knew that Rainbow Dash would love to make Scootaloo come.
So that is why Princess Diamond Tiara asked Silverspoon to come to the Grand Galloping Gala as her "plus one".
The train pulled into Canterlot station, and Silverspoon and Diamond Tiara got off the train so they weren't on the train. They walked to the castle and the gala was happening and they saw Princess Twilight and her boss, and Twilight was like, "Diamond! Diamond! I'm so happy you could come!" and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "of course, but why have I never been invited to one of these before?" and Twilight said, "because you weren't a princess before," and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "but I still had a tiara before," and Princess Twilight didn't know what to say and it got a bit awkward.
"Anyways, you look really pretty," said Twilight.
"I know," said Princess Diamond Tiara. "Apple Jack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie brought their sisters and Fluttershy brought that annoying hippy pony. But who's your plus one tonight?"
"Oh, I didn't bring one," said Twilight, "because the only pony I wanted to spend this evening with already had her own ticket." She nuzzled up to Princess Diamond Tiara.
"Back off!" said Silverspoon and pushed Twilight away.
Princess Diamond Tiara's heart fluttered. "Oh, Silverspoon, you're so protective." Silverspoon gave her a hug. Princess Diamond Tiara said, "I am so going to rek you tonight."
Anyway, Silverspoon and Princess Diamond Tiara danced a lot and they enjoyed the stand-up comedy, and the drinks and the food, and they ate so much of that lime jelly that was just lying around everywhere. They went to the dance floor and were dancing and stuff and then Celestia cut in and said, "mind if I cut in?" and Silverspoon was like, "yes, we mind," and Celestia was like, "well, why don't the three of us all dance together? Threesomes are always fun," and then Twilight was there and was like, "I hope four isn't a crowd," and she smiled sheepishly.
And Princess Diamond Tiara and Silverspoon and Celestia all said, "yes. Four is a crowd." So Twilight looked sad and went off.
And at the end of the dance, Celestia held out her cheeks for them to kiss. And they did, but Princess Diamond Tiara didn't enjoy it because Celestia's like thousands of years old. But Silverspoon liked it because Silverspoon is into that sort of stuff.
And then they all went home because it was the end of the gala.
It was the morning of Princess Diamond Tiara and Silverspoon's wedding. "OMFC Di!" Silverspoon asked. "This is the happiest bucking day in my life!" Princess Diamond Tiara said: "Ikr? But don't forget to call me Princess Diamond Tiara." Silverspoon nodded obediently. "Or mistress," Princess Diamond Tiara added.
Meanwhile Pinkie Pie and Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake were baking the wedding cake.
And Rarity was decorating the venue.
And Rainbow Dash was picking flowers for the bridesmaids to carry.
And Apple Jack was helping her girlfriend (one of the ponies mentioned above) with her task.
Oh, and Fluttershy was doing something too. Probably with animals. Or singing. Or singing animals.
Princess Twilight Sparkle was at home dressing up in her bridesmaid's outfit because she was a bridesmaid. And Celestia was a bridesmaid. And Luna was a bridesmaid. And Chrysalis was a bridesmaid. And Mi Amore Cadance was a bridesmaid. And Shiningarmour was a bridesmaid. Lel. (And so was Flash Sentry. Roflcopter.)
Princess Twilight Sparkle was crying too, because she wanted to marry Princess Diamond Tiara and didn't understand why Princess Diamond Tiara had chosen silly old Silverspoon instead — she wasn't even a princess.
And Princess Celestia was crying too, for similar reasons.
And Princess Luna was crying because she couldn't understand what Princess Diamond Tiara had to offer that she didn't. Why didn't Celestia love her like she loved Celestia?!
Anyway, everyone was getting ready for the wedding, and so was Princess Diamond Tiara. Her adopted daughter, Appleblume, helped her into her wedding dress that Sweetiebelle's big sister has had the honour of making.
"Watch it, Appleblume, you bucking moron!" she advised graciously when Appleblume poked her with a pin, almost certainly out of jealousy.
Then Appleblume was like, "I'm trying to get this dress just perfect, Diamond," and Princess Diamond Tiara was like, "I told you not to call me Diamond" and Appleblume was like, "okay, mummy," because you remember Princess Diamond Tiara adopted Appleblume and Apple Jack and Apple Mac.
And then Appleblume got the dress just perfect and went away and Sweetiebelle came into the room and she was like, "I've been practising my best mare's speech. Do you want to hear it?" and Princess Diamond Tiara nodded.
Sweetiebell got out a bit of paper and started reading: "I've known Princess Diamond Tiara for a long time. Even before she was a princess, everypony knew she was destined for greatness. A filly so kind, so gentle, so intelligent, so… sorry, I can't read your hoofwriting here. What does that say?"
"Beautiful, Sweetiebel, beautiful!" she sighed in frustration. OMFC! Can't anypony do a simple task? "Anyway, by the time of the wedding reception, I want you to be able to recite the speech from heart. From heart!"
"Yes, Princess Diamond Tiara," Sweetibelle said and left the room, courtesying all the way to the door.
And then everypony was at the wedding place and the wedding started, and it was beautiful, and Princess Diamond Tiara was beautiful, and Silverspoon was kinda okay, I guess.
The end.
But it wasn't the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because the wedding pony said, "if anypony here has any objections to this couple getting married, let them speak now or forever hold your peace."
And Princess Twilight Sparkle stood up from her seat near the front because she was a bridesmaid and shouted, "don't marry her! Marry me!"
And the doors burst open at the back of the wedding place and Scooterloo scooted in on her scooter and clucked, "no! Marry me!"
And Button Mash and Celestia did the same thing.
And Princess Diamond Tiara and Silverspoon looked at them all with a look of shock on their tiny little pony faces.
All the ponies in the wedding place were looking around and they were like "wuh?" and "OMFC!" and "we didn't expect this to happen at all! well, maybe we expected Celestia and Twilight, but not Buttonmash and Scooterloo!"
Princess Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were looking at each other and they didn't know what to do. No pony knew what to do. The wedding pony that was doing the wedding didn't know what to do either. Normally no pony objected to a wedding so she didn't know what to do when a pony did, and especially when four ponies did including two princesses.
Unexpectedly a fifth pony stood up from the crowd. A bright green pegasus with a long, flowing brown mane and tail. "Who are you?" somebody asked and the pegasus replied, "I am Shade. And I am le shipping goddess! I can help you!" and everypony's jaw dropped.
The pegasus continued, "Princess Twilight, Princess Celestia… can't you see that you two are perfect for each other?"
"Ewww!" asked Twilight. "She's like thousands of years too old for me."
Shade laughed. "You're talking about the most powerful alicorn in Equestria. Princess Celestia, surely you know how to perform an age spell."
"Why, yes!" Celestia queried. "I can make Twilight as old as I am!"
"I was more thinking you could make yourself a bit younger. That's clearly how she likes 'em," asked Shade.
Celestia waved her magic horn in the air and recited the magic words: chronius regressium! and then she became a little filly. "Yay!" said Twilight and wrapped her arms around the pink-haired foal, kissing her with tongues.
Shade turned to Scooterloo. "And now what about you?" she stated. "Hey, that rhymed." Scootaloo shrugged. "I ship you with my next-door neighbour, Rumble."
Rumble flew in from the window because that loser and his lame brother hadn't been invited to the wedding and he and Scooterloo hugged and then she did a wheelie on her scooter because she was so happy. And she learnt to fly because she was so happy.
Shade turned to Buttonmash. "And lastly, a ship for you. You and Sweetiebell are perfect for each other."
Buttonmash shook his head. "But I really love Princess Diamond Tiara!"
"I'd thought of that," said Shade because she'd thought of that. She pulled out a little tiara that had been hiding in her mane and passed it to Sweetiebelle.
Sweetiebel gasped. "It's beautiful!"
Shade explained. "Now you can cosplay as Diamond Tiara and Buttonmash will love you."
"Yay!" shouted Buttonmash and Sweetybelle together. Sweetiebel leaned over and whispered into Buttonmash's ear: "Is it okay if sometimes you wear the tiara?" and Buttonmash smiled and nodded.
Shade looked around. "So is everything cleared up now?" There were murmurs from the crowd. "Okay, okay," Shade asked, "if there is anypony else that needs shipping, please form an orderly queue outside the venue after the wedding." She went to sit back down and the crowd started to be quiet and show a bit of respect for the princess who was having her wedding right now.
So the rest of the wedding went pretty much as planned, except that Princess Diamond Tiara looked even beautifuller than planned. (Well… not fuller…)
After Shade had finished shipping the rest of the guests, everybody had a big dance to celebrate their new ships and the happiest couple of them all, Princess Diamond Tiara and Baroness Silverspoon.
And the music was provided by DJ-PON3, and Octavia Melody and her band, and the Ponytones, and Sapphire Shores, and the marching band of the Royal Guards, and Lyra, and Sweetiebelle. And everyone liked it because it was good.
And then there was the honeymoon and they went to Griffonstone and spread the magic of friendship because Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie hadn't done it very well. And then they went to Yakyakistan and fixed the bad attitude of the yaks that were there. And then they went to that llama place that was in the other chapter and all the llamas loved them. And then they went to that deer place that was in the comics and something happened and then they went back home and lived happily ever after.
"I don't see why I have to help you deliver all these pies!" complained Silverspoon.
So Princess Diamond Tiararara slapped her and said "because you're my wife or whatever."
"Or husband?" Silverspoon asked, remembering it had been her wearing the tuxedo at their wedding.
Princess Diamond Tiararara scoffed. "Not a chance. I think every pony knows who wears the trousers in this relationship."
"Yes, mistress," Silverspon replied meekly.
"Anyway, you have to help me because I'm a princess and I told you to," the princess queried.
"But why are you delivering pies anyway?" Silverspoon stated.
Princess Diamond Tiararara shrugged. "I dunno. Pinkie Pie wanted me to or something."
The two ponies went and delivered loads of pies. They delivered apple pie to Apple Jack. They delivered cherry pie to Cherryjubilee. They delivered apple pie to Appleblume too and I don't know why she couldn't just share her sister's pie, that greedy filly. The delivered cocoa pie to Coco Pommel. They delivered peach pie to Ms Peachbottom. They delivered cheese pie to Cheese Sandwich. They delivered carrot pie to Carrot Top. They delivered cinnamon pie to Cinnamon Chai. They delivered doughnut pie to Donut Joe. They delivered pumpkin pie to Pumpkin Cake. And they delivered key lime pie to Berry Punch, because she liked key lime pie, okay? It's nice.
At the end of their deliveries, Princess Diamond Tiararara and Silverspoon relaxed on the sofa in their castle.
"That was a lot of pies," Silverspoon asked.
"Yeah, sure was," Princess Diamond Tiararara exclaimed quietly while yawning.
"Wanna do sex stuff?" Silverspoon stated, fluttering her cute little eyelashes.
"Nah, but there's a warm apple pie left in the cart," Princess Diamond Tiararara agreed.
Silverspoon took the pie and went up to the bedroom with it.
Princess Diamond Tiararara drifted off to sleep and 14 hours later she woke up and she was like, "oh crap, that pie was supposed to be for Apple Fritter" and she ran up the stairs to see if it was still okay and she looked at the pie and saw what Silverspoon had done with it and she was all like "ewwww".
Because apparently Silverspoon has a thing for pies now.
Whatever.
Chapter 15 — Diamond Tiara is Needlessly Cruel to Twist
“Oi! Watch where you’re going, you dumb pony!” Princess Diamond Tiara shouted at the filly she’d almost tripped over.
“Oh hi, Diamond! I heard you were a princess now!” the curly-maned earth pony filly responded.
Princess Diamond Tiara and her wife Silverspoon glared at the little pony, because Silverspoon was there too, which I forgot to mention. “Twist,” they said in unison.
Silverspoon circled around to Twist’s other side, so she couldn’t make a quick escape. “Why the silly glasses? What’s wrong with your eyes?!” she asked, without a trace of irony.
Twist looked at her blankly.
“White fur? White isn’t even a real colour! It’s like they forgot to colour you in!” Princess Diamond Tiara said with a sneer.
A single tear rolled down Twist’s cheek.
“Crying now?” Silverspoon taunted. “Gonna run home to mummy?”
“She can’t!” Princess Diamond Tiara corrected. “Both her parents are dead!”
Twist burst into tears.
“Come on, Silverspoon, let’s get out of here and leave this cry-baby loser!” With that, Princess Diamond Tiara led Silverspoon away.
Twist sat on the ground, openly weeping.
Appleblume approached her. “I… I saw what happened… are you okay?”
Twist looked up at her and smiled broadly. “I… I can’t believe… a princess took time out of her busy day to talk to me!” She wiped away her tears of joy.
“Ikr?” said Appleblume.
“She’s so awesome,” Twist said. And Appleblume agreed.
