Chapter 1: It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy
The question was a perplexing one. Well, more so than the typical question, which is supposed to be perplexing. This question was of the rare sort that would never leave the questioner with a straight answer they could ever be content with. A question that—at the very least—would cause a god to ponder their own existence.
“Fluttershy, what’s a birthday?”
However, in Discord’s case, it was rather a Spirit of Chaos than any sort of god.
Fluttershy, who was just about to pour Discord a piping hot cup of tea (he had a strange fondness for green tea with nutmeg and a single slice of orange mixed in, which Fluttershy was always happy to oblige with), glanced upward at her friend with an arch of her brow.
“It’s the day you’re born, Discord. Well, not just you, but anyone. It’s the specific date of their birth.” Once she was done filling his cup, Fluttershy set her teapot down and adjusted herself in her seat. “Why are you wondering?”
“Celestia mentioned her own when talking to Luna. I was spying, as usual. She seemed super depressed about it. Or something. Not sure, because after that she just stuffed her face in with cake.” Discord licked his lips. “Mmmm, cake. Is that what you do with birthdays?”
“Well, typically, yeah. Along with presents.”
“For free?!” Discord asked, his mouth agape.
“Yeah.”
“Well, I guess it’s time for a birthday then!” Discord frowned. “Wait, when would mine be then?”
“Don’t you know when you’re born?”
“Well duuuuuuuh, of course I do.” Discord snapped his fingers with a nonchalant flourish, a sundial whisking itself out of nowhere beside him. Peering at it with a sharp eye—which he had pulled out and attached to his tail to gander a better look—he nodded his head. “Yes, just as I had thought. The day I was born would be exactly… tomorrow.”
“Exactly tomorrow?
“Is there an echo in here?” Discord knocked on his noggin a few times. His head rattled like a bell, and even resembled one for a few short moments. “Yes, exactly tomorrow.”
Fluttershy tilted her head, frowning slightly. “So, exactly from this moment, tomorrow, is the time you’ll be born?”
Discord shrugged. “I’dunno. I just know it’ll be tomorrow.”
“But you just said exactly.”
“Sundials aren’t exact, Fluttershy,” Discord said.
Before Fluttershy could reply to continue the pointless argument further, she remembered her hindsight of past conversations with Discord, and wisely shut her trap to prevent it developing further. Talking about a topic—no matter how trivial or simplistic—with Discord was like wandering through the desert; you end up lost, hopeless for survival, battered down by unforgiving heat and the malicious fury of the sun, oh, and you become very thirsty very quick.
Once the silence had resumed over the two, Discord fidgeted in his seat. Fluttershy noticed, didn’t say anything, and waited until Discord was practically vibrating while attempting to remain still.
“You want to know what happens on a birthday?” Fluttershy said, shrinking back in preparation for—
“Yes!” Discord replied, letting his answer loose like a shot from a cannon. “I mean, everyone talks about it, and it sounds amazing! Presents, cake, singing, candles being set aflame to burn all willy-nilly until the blaze’s brisk gasp of life is cruely snatched away with just a single blow of air from the recipient.” Discord’s eyes twinkled with that special sort of magic one would expect from a child’s innocence, or a mental patient discovering their toast is talking to them. “Finally, I can control fiery life and death!”
Fluttershy backed away slightly in her seat.
“So, I presume you’ll have a giant party prepared in my honor tomorrow?”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened. A cold sweat drop rolled down the back of her neck. “Oh, a, uh, party? R-right, yes, party. I do believe that, uh… Pinkie Pie was planning it out right as we speak.”
“Oooh, is it gonna be a surprise party?” Discord scrunched his cheeks together, which had inflated to oversized balloons that blew hot air out of his nostrils. “I always wanted a surprise party!”
“Wouldn’t it technically not count as a surprise anymore if you already know it’s going to happen?”
Discord snapped his fingers bitterly, a brooding cloud appearing over his head. “Oh, riiiiight, yeah. That just takes all the fun outta it. Now that I know my surprise party is going to happen, what’s the point of a birthday celebration? Unless…” Discord unscrewed the top of his head and started shuffling through some odds and ends in his brainial cavity. What he threw out was some spare change, an old tv remote, a half-eaten pretzel, old tax reforms, a five hundred year old overdue library book, dentures, rusty spoons, exactly twenty-seven squirrels, and a gym bag that hadn’t been opened in decades. And now the most worthless item, his brain, which both he and Fluttershy stared at with broken expectations.
“It’s a… grower,” Discord said. “I think. Or not. It’s not currently connected so whatever.”
“What exactly are you going to--Discord, put it down!”
“What?”
“The axe!”
Discord glanced at his axe propped over his brain, shrugged, then chopped over a tiny sliver right off the side. “Okay, fine. I put it down. Happy?”
Fluttershy’s face was a noticeable shade of green, which only grew to a darker hue once the tiny brain sliver grew feet and arms when the brain piece put a hand on top of its head along while now carrying a suitcase. Waving to the two of them, it hopped off its originator and was never seen from again (not that Discord’s brain ever missed it much).
Discord plopped his brain--what was left of it--back in his skull, screwed back on his noggin, then went back to sipping his tea. “So, you were saying?”
“Wh-what?” Fluttershy sputtered, on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Oh, something-something about something I presume,” Discord said. He sniffed the air. “Do I smell citrus?”
Gulping back her lunch, Fluttershy asked, “Discord, do you possibly remember anything from the past few minutes or so?”
Discord rubbed his chin and hummed under his breath, consuming his tea through his nostrils. “Don’t suppose I do.” Smacking his lips, he shuddered. “Except that nutmeg is a horrible additive to tea. Maybe some old boots would be better…”
Fluttershy simply nodded her head, having calmed down and returned to sipping lightly at her now lukewarm tea. She still had a big decision to make. Since technically Discord did not remember their conversation over the past few minutes, he’d probably not recall mentioning birthday parties at all, meaning she wouldn’t even have to throw him one tomorrow. However, from what Discord has said, apparently he’s never had a real birthday party before, and the thought unsettled her tremendously, especially considering Discord’s age had probably meant he hasn’t celebrated a birthday in all the centuries he’s been around. So, like always with a friend, she’d have to do the proper thing only a true friend would do.
Hindsight was going to be cruel this time, she could already tell.
“My eyes! I’m blind! Blinded by the blinding darkness of the blind! Oh cruel fate, what tragedy have you wrought upon me this time? End it, end it all right here and now, so that I may not suffer a second further!”
“Discord, it’s just a blindfold. I put it on you not five seconds ago.”
“What demon be you who deviously hassens my end?”
“Discord, what did I remind you about name-calling?”
“That it’s bad, mean, insightful, and I’ll get grounded for it… again.”
“Yes, now just keep on following me.”
“Yes, the… surprise.”
“Is it candy?”
“Possibly.”
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh--OW MY FACE!”
Fluttershy cringed at the sight of Discord’s face melding with the pole he had just walked into. This was conveniently right outside Sugarcube Corner, so in a cruel twist of irony Discord got what he wished for. Plus, the lamppost looked like a candy cane.
Right away Flutter set about scrapping Discord’s face off of the pole, fretting over him all the while. “Discord, are you okay? Where does it hurt? Did you dislodged all your teeth again?”
Discord’s chompers popped out of his mouth, right before all his teeth made a beeline conga line style back into his mouth. “Am I still pretty?” he asked, facing the opposite way of Fluttershy.
Fluttering up by his side, Fluttershy meekly pulled back his blindfold, only to be greeted by two black eyes and a swollen bruise covering most of Discord’s face. “It doesn’t look so… bad… ish.”
“Oh, thank goodness. The only thing I have going for me now are my devilish good looks. And above average intelligence. Not to mention my astute understanding of the philosophical, exceptional skills in almost every practical and impractical skill ever known, and did I mention my good looks?”
“Yes.”
“Really? I could have sworn I didn’t even get to the part concerning how handsome I am. That’s very important, you know.”
Fluttershy rolled her eyes and pulled back on his blindfold. “Yes, I know that well enough. But so is the surprise, which we can still get to.”
“Oh, right carry on.” Discord practically skipped with excitement the rest to the shop’s front door.
Just as Discord opened the front door Fluttershy removed his blindfolds, giving him back the beautiful gift of sight. And what a beauty it was, for all around him was a feast for the eyes. Also his ego, but that was practically starving all the time.
“Surprise!” everypony shouted, streamers and whistles quick to follow. Nearly everypony in town was in the bakery, all decked out in party gear and celebration time demeanor. Goodies and gifts lined the back wall, where every manner of sweets one could imagine and only dream of was piled high on a table that was fit to collapsing under the bulk weight at any moment. And to top it off, every pony there had a big smile on their faces and were cheering for him, Discord, and upon their own free will to boot.
“Oooh, a surprise party, just for me!” Discord beamed, cradling his hands together as the widest of smiles flooded his cheeks. “I never would’ve guessed it!”
Fluttershy tapped his side. “Uh, Discord, don’t you know today is your birthday?”
Discord waved his hand. “Pfft, as if. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve been to the bathroom, much less the day I was born.”
“Uh…”
“Actually, that raises another good question. How was I born in the first place?” Discord pondered deeply, signified by his eyebrows sliding all the way down his muzzle. “Fluttershy, where do babies come from?”
“Oh hey look Discord it’s Twilight,” Fluttershy said, shoving him off in Twilight’s general direction. “I bet she has the answer for you. Go ask!”
“Fluttershy!” Pinkie screamed in her ear once Discord was out of earshot, causing Fluttershy’s heart to skip a couple of beats. “Isn’t this party amazing?!”
“Pinkie, y-you don’t have to be so loud,” Fluttershy replied. Digging into her ear with a hoof to clear out some of the ringing, she said, “And yes, Pinkie, it’s wonderful. It’s amazing how you can get a party planned and then up and running at the drop of the hat.”
“Oh, I’ve had this party planned weeks in advance. After all, it is my favorite day of the year.”
Fluttershy blinked. “Wait, you knew about Discord’s birthday too?”
Pinkie tilted her head and shrugged. “Discord’s birthday? I didn’t even know he had one. Doesn’t he just exist since forever ago?”
“Wait, so if you didn’t know it was Discord’s birthday, what did you think I meant when I asked if you could throw a party for Discord?”
“I thought this was the first time Discord was celebrating April Fools’ Day, duh,” Pinkie said. She rubbed her hooves together, a mischievous grin sprouting on her muzzle the very next second. “And since it is, I made sure to make it super extra deviously special for him! This is an April Fools’ Day he shall never forget!” Now that grin was blooming into a fully developed smile of pure debauchery. Pinkie’s left eyelid twitching repeatedly only added onto the effect. “EVER!”
Fluttershy had wisely taken a customary three foot personal-space radius between her and Pinkie, especially once the laughter started bubbling forth like a siren’s call from Tartarus’ depths. “Pinkie, don’t you think you may be taking this too far… again?”
Pinkie cut short of her cackling and dismissively waved her hoof. “Pfft, as if. When do I ever take things too far?”
“Well…”
“Other than that one time.”
“As I recall…”
“That one was an accident.”
“Just last week…”
“I was sleepwalking and you know it.”
“The burns never did heal right…”
“Okay, maaaaaaybe I did go a bit too far for that one. But this one will be fine,” Pinkie said, “because it’s not just me who’s doing it. Everypony is celebrating April Fools, after all, which mean whatever I do will be diluted by everypony elses’ pranks and jokes.”
“Are you sure?” Fluttershy asked. She cast a worried gaze at Discord. He was currently conversing with Rainbow Dash, who seemed positively ecstatic with malicious glee over something. Also, she was rubbing her hooves and giggling darkly under her breath a bunch of times, which usually signaled something not good going down in the hood. “I’m not even sure Discord knows April Fools is a thing.”
“Eh, what’s the worse that could happen?” Pinkie pulled out a jar labeled ‘Peanut Brittle’ from her mane. “It’s just some harmless pranks. Plus, Discord is the biggest goofball out of all of us. He’ll probably love it.”
Fluttershy frowned. Checking on Discord once again, she noticed him laughing with Rainbow Dash, who was waving a whoopey cushion in front of his face.
“Well… it does look like he’s having fun.” With a final nod of her head, Fluttershy said, “I think you’re right, Pinkie. Discord will probably love it.”
“Great!” Pinkie shouted, already bouncing towards her target. “Hey Diiiiiiiiiiscord! Want some peeeeeeeeeanut briiiiiiiiiiittle?!”
One extremely cheesy 80’s montage of bad pranks later…
“I think you may have taken it a bit too far this time, Pinkie.”
Pinkie popped her head out of the burning rubble she had been hiding under. “What makes you say that?” she asked, her question being followed and most likely answered by the earth shaking and mad laughter resonating in the distance.
Fluttershy stared at Pinkie with a deadpan expression. Pinkie stared back at her with an expression equally as blank but not in the least bit sarcastic.
Fluttershy sighed. “It could have been the cheese whiz you put on the toilet seat right before he sat down.”
“What, c’mon, that was hilarious.”
“Or it could have been that chocolate easter bunny you gave him… filled with cheese whiz.”
“That was gold, baby, gold!”
“Or that jar of peanut brittle.”
“What, that was a classic.”
“The peanut brittle was mixed with cheese whiz!”
“Classic.”
“Actually, wait, no,” Fluttershy said, just as another explosion rocked the room. Not like there was much left of it, since the roof and walls were gone. Along with everypony else smart enough to escape a rampaging chaos spirit on the loose. “I believe it was when you decked in the face with a pie that he finally snapped. A cheese whiz pie, mind you.”
Pinkie rubbed the back of her neck and sighed. “Okay, maybe that was a bit uncalled for.”
“Where did you even get all this cheese whiz?”
“I like to choose a theme and stick with it. Plus, it was on sale.”
Fluttershy ducked back in her hiding hole when the ground vibrated with a resounding boom from the nearby vicinity.
“Pinkie, I reeeeeally think you should apologize to Discord right about now.”
“You think I should offer him some cheeze whiz?”
“...”
“Fiiiiiiine.” Pinkie got back to all fours and shouted, “Hey Discord, c’mon out!”
Out from the dark corners of the void that consumes the light and drenches happiness in misery arose a creature of the most prevalent horrors and most terrifying nightmares. However, once it got in better lighting it was revealed to be Discord, covered mostly in pie crust and cheese whiz.
Discord arched a brow that crawled across his brow like and extra hairy caterpillar. “Oh, and I suppose this is another prank, huh?” He crossed his arms. “Thanks, but I’d rather not be anymore cheesy than I am already.”
“No, I swear, this isn’t about pranks or anything,” Pinkie said, raising her hooves in surrender. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for going too overboard--”
“Again,” Fluttershy added.
Pinkie nodded begrudgingly. “Yeah, again. I mean, it was your first April Fools’ Day, and I shouldn’t have overdone it for you.”
“Wait, April Fools?” Discord asked. He glanced at Fluttershy. “You said it was my birthday.”
Fluttershy shrugged. “That’s what I thought. I forgot it was April Fools’ Day in the first place.”
Discord’s bottom lip quivered. His tail drooped down. Even his horns sagged on either side of his head. “That means… no one was there to celebrate my party?”
Fluttershy and Pinkie shared and awkward glance.
“Well, I mean, they knew you’d show up,” Fluttershy said.
Now Discord was sniffing, the waterworks right on the edge of breaking out. “That also means that no one knew it was my birthday. And they only showed up to pull pranks and laugh at me. No one cared at all…”
Pinkie had tears in the corner of her eyes and was sniveling as well. “D-Discord, p-p-please, I didn’t mean f-for this to happen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday.” Pinkie quickly covered her mouth, the damage of her words evident enough when Discord slumped even further.
“I guess… I guess no one cares about poor ol’ Discy then.” Discord turned away from the two, kicking aside a stray rock as he departed. “No one cares at all.”
And right then and there, just as both Pinkie and Fluttershy were on the verge of tears, a small snicker could be heard.
Turning back around, Discord pointed both his fingers at the mares and shouted with as much gusto as he could, “April Foooooooooooools! I got you two good!” He fistpumped, dancing a happy jig and tapping his heels together in joy. “I knew those acting lessons in college would pay off!”
Fluttershy’s tears disappeared as quickly as they had appeared, a visible scowl on her face directed now at Discord like a laserbeam. “You mean you knew it was April Fools’ Day all along?”
“Well duh!” he answered, performing a few other victory dance moves for his proudest moment thus far. “I invented the day. Why do you think it’s on my birthday? What, you think Celestia and Luna get their own days and I get nothing? As if! I’ve been pranking fools since before the dinosaurs were wiped out. And lemme tell ya, those dinos were way funnier than you ponies are, as hurtful yet truthful as that is to say.”
“But… but you destroyed Sugarcube Corner,” Fluttershy reminded him. Glancing to the side for Pinkie’s input, she was unsurprised to see her instead following the dance motions with Discord. Already they were on the robot and moving onto the electric slide.
With a snap of his fingers, Discord had returned Sugarcube Corner back to its previous state before his rampage. Also, he was performing the moonwalk quite well, and on the ceiling no less.
“So this was all a complicated plan just to prank me?” Fluttershy asked him.
Discord hopped off the ceiling and performed a triple-decker flip while sticking the landing before her. Taking a bow, he looked at her with a tricker smile and said, “Oh please, Fluttershy, don’t be so egotistical. This was to prank everyone. And might I say, it worked wonderously.”
“Everypony just ran away in fear while screaming once you started going berserk after the pie incident.”
“Classic.”
“Totally!” Pinkie agreed, clapping her hooves. “Next year is gonna be a toughy to top it!”
“Oh, don’t worry, I have a few plans up my sleeve,” Discord said, winking to his pink and cotton-candy scented friend. “Hey, Fluttershy, you know where I can buy some sleeves. Also high-grade explosives?”
Unfortunately, Fluttershy had wisely abandoned the two and was currently flying as fast as she could into the distant sky, which she really should have done in the first place twenty minutes ago. The hindsight over regretting what her future hindsight will be was already coming true.
“Ah, fine, we don’t need you!” Discord shouted at her. “Bah! Me and Pinkie still have plenty of time to spare for even more pranks!” Leaning down to Pinkie, Discord whispered, “You still have some cheese whiz on you?”
Pinkie smiled, her teeth instead replaced with a cheesy replica that she quickly gobbled up. “You betcha!”
“Good. Good. Time to pull off some comedy gold.”
Celestia shifted in her bed. Groggily, she realized her pillow was too hot. Well, she wouldn’t have to worry about that, since she had another one right beside her that was perfectly cool and plush and just waiting for her head to be rested--
“Oh… what in the… who put cheese whiz all over my other pillow? It’s… agggggggh it’s all in my maaaaaaane!”
In the wise words of the masters: Classic.