Testing, Testing, 1,2, What?
Testing, Testing, 1,2, What?
In a large, NASA-style control room set in an expansive white void, a group of humans and ponies all scuttled about, each doing their best to appear busy as they waited for something to happen. A door at the back of the room slid open and a stallion walked in, causing everyone within to fall silent. The newcomer’s coat was a deep blue with a slightly lighter mane and a clipboard for a cutie mark. “Alright, everypony. Let’s get this test underway.”
One of the humans fake coughed and stared at the stallion pointedly. The stallion winced in apology and amended, “Sorry, everyhuman as well.”
“Just say everybody,” one pony suggested. “It’s easier that way.”
The blue-coated stallion sighed and said, “Right, fine. Everybody. Can we just get started please?”
“Yessir, Mr. Admin sir!” the whole room chorused.
Admin rubbed a hoof over his ears in reaction to the sudden loud noise, muttering to himself, “Well at least the dialogue works.” He shook his head to shake out the last of the cobwebs and announced, “Alright, let’s begin.”
With that Admin retrieved his clipboard, (from somewhere), and started looking down the list of items to be checked off. “First things first. Dialogue and description have both been covered already, so we can check those off.” He did so, adding a bit of a flourish to each check. “Next up is thought speech with italics.” After he realized what he’d said he did a double take at the task. How in the hay are we supposed to test that? His eyes widened at the thought. Oh. That’s how. “Guess we can scratch that one off then?”
“But we didn’t do anything!” one human complained petulantly.
Admin perked up at the words and said, “Ooh, an exclamation mark! That’s another one off the list.” The human crossed his arms over his chest with an annoyed look which Admin ignored. Two more marks were scratched on the clipboard. “Next up is bold text speech.”
A female human took out a loud horn and spoke through it, saying, “Would this work?”
Admin tried in vain to clop his hooves over his ears before they were blown out but his reactions were too slow, prompting another round of dull ringing throughout his head. “I… think that would be a yes,” he said slowly as he picked up his quill and made another mark. “Okay, just one more regular dialogue test.” He looked down at his clipboard and read aloud. “The Royal Canterlock Voice…” A look of panic appeared on Admin’s face. “Oh dear Luna no!”
No sooner had the words exited his mouth than did said Princess of the Night appear in a purple flash. Human and pony alike looked on in awe at the alicorn, whose ethereal, star-studded mane blew quietly in a non-existent wind. With a broad smile Luna opened her muzzle and proclaimed,
"Salutations and well met, my little ponies and humans! We dost thank thee for thine work and pray thee succeed in thine endeavors!"
Most of the room was quite fairly blown over by the over-eager Princess, flying over unused consoles and empty chairs before smacking comically into the far wall. Meanwhile poor Admin was once again rendered temporarily deaf, his unseeing eyes glazed in a daze. Some semblance of thought process returned to him when he felt a hoof prodding at his shoulder.
"Are thou well, good Admin?" Luna asked with concern. “Dost thou require any assistance from us"
Summoning whatever reserves of willpower he still had Admin managed to keep his focus and yell back, “WE’RE JUST FINE PRINCESS! WE DON’T NEED YOU HERE ANYMORE! THANK YOU!”
Luna nodded, not in the least upset by the fact that she was being yelled at.
"Very well. We shall depart then. Fair thee well Admin."
The diarch’s horn lit up with a midnight blue aura and Luna teleported away in another purple flash. Nobody dared move for several moments until they were certain she was gone, at which point a stallion waved his hooves in the air and cried out, “WHY IS SHE EVERYONE’S FAVORITE PRINCESS? SHE’S A MENACE!”
Admin did his best to ignore the blasphemous statement and focused and trying to hold a quill in his unsteady hooves to add another check mark. He finally managed it after several minutes, by which point the room had returned to more or less the level of order it had before the appearance of their visitor. “Okay,” Admin said with a minimum of quavering in his voice, “that’s all the dialogue tests done. Now we move on to the visuals and audio.”
He flipped a page on the clipboard and read the first item on the list. “Colored text.” He quirked an eyebrow at that. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Everything in the room suddenly took on a bluish tint. White light fixtures turned into captured lightning bolts, gray consoles began to mimic the ocean depths and Admin all but disappeared into the background.
“What the hay is going on?” one mare exclaimed as she turned a strong violet color.
“Test complete! Test complete!” Admin said as he tried to find his quill with his now invisible hoof. “Turn it off!”
Just as suddenly as it appeared the blue faded away, leaving everyone looking around them in confusion at their normal again surroundings.
“Well… that just happened,” one guy commented.
Admin waved his hooves in front of his eyes, assuring himself that he was indeed visible again. “That was much too weird.” He sighed and made another check on the list.
“What’s next?” someone asked.
Admin no longer cared who asked. He just wanted to get this done and go back to the sweet oblivion of nonexistence. “Author’s Note.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
It’s the method the author uses to communicate to his audience directly, or sometimes to the characters in the story itself.
“Could you please not do that?” Admin complained. “This story is meta enough without you breaking the fourth wall.”
You mean like you’re doing right now?
“You are the one who’s writing this in the first place,” Admin retorted.
So I’m arguing with myself is what you’re saying.
“STOP IT PLEASE!” a mare shouted. “THIS IS MESSING WITH MY MIND!!!”
The human next to her shrugged and said, “Makes sense to me.”
Eh, whatever. Just make that checked and move on to the next item.
Admin growled at the disembodied voice and said, “I really don’t like you right now.” Grudgingly he complied with the author voice’s suggestion and looked at the next (and last) item on the clipboard. “Video link.” He threw his legs into the air in frustration and asked, “Now how are we supposed to test that?”
“I got it sir!” one human said as he started typing on a console.
Admin came around to the screen in question and looked on as the human brought up a web page. He blinked once as he recognized the page in question as the story that he was currently in. “But,” he objected, “how are we seeing this? We can’t be reading the same story that we are currently in!” He winced as he saw his own words on the screen.
The tech was either deaf or uncaring of Admin’s objections as he right-clicked on the link in question. Another tab opened in the browser and loaded up as a video of a particular sequence of the movie Spaceballs. Admin rubbed a hoof over his eyes as the video played and he recognized the joke. “This is so beyond meta it hurts.”
“So did the thing work?” a pony beside him asked.
Admin sighed one last time and answered, “Yes. It worked.” He then jabbed his quill into the blank box so hard it smashed through the clipboard. “Now if you’ll excuse me I am going to go and enjoy not feeling anything for the next FOREVER!”
Admin stomped his way to the door and exited into the blank expanse beyond, leaving the bewildered and bemused testers behind.
Don’t let him know this you guys but I may come back to this test chamber later to test some other stuff.
“Sounds good to us,” a human said jovially.
That’s the spirit. Until next time. S. James, we’re done here.