There are six easy steps to properly ruining a relationship. I performed these first-hoof and gathered superb results. As a proper guide, I will explain in chronological order so there's no confusion. Step one: Talking To Other Ponies, Step two: Avoiding Eye Contact, Step three: Hitting Her, Step four: Insulting her, Step five: Telling Her I Hate Her, and the final step: Break Up.
Without further a-do...Let's begin.
I myself was seated across Rainbow Dash, who I had been seeing for the past year now. I couldn't recall the exact date we had gotten together, where it was, or which one of us had made the first move.
I don't even remember how I met her.
She was, in all sense of the phrase, "Out of my league", or as I've been told. Athletic, intelligent, beautiful and all-around a wanted pony, maybe they were right.
At that moment though, sitting with her in the back at Sugarcube Corner, that idea hadn't crossed my mind once. Can't say the same for her.
"You like your sundae?" Rainbow asked with cheeky smile.
"Uhh," I began, taking another spoonful. "Yeah."
She kept the same smile as she took a bite out of her velvet muffin. "Mmm, Pinkshie ish the besh."
I nodded in agreement absentmindedly, where as my real focus was elsewhere. Mainly, the mare in mention, Pinkie. She was standing behind the counter, handing out cupcakes, milkshakes, and other goodies I couldn't for the life of me remember the name's of.
"Soooo," Rainbow began, attracting my attention. She still smiled with innocence. "You thinking about getting a job soon?"
I sighed in response. I'll get one when I get one. I nodded slowly and took another sip of my sundae. "Yeah. Bartending maybe. I don't know."
"Oh, that's good! I wouldn't mind getting a few drinks with ya," She smirked mischievously, which I returned with faked enthusiasm. "I was thinking about going into the weather committee. Maybe do some volunteer work and stuff. The Wonderbolts apparently really like ponies that advocate for themselves, and I re-"
And here we go again...I thought to myself with a quiet, controlled sigh. I looked around the room with my peripherals, seeing Pinkie make her way near our general area. I wasn't sure if she was going to somepony else's table or not, but with a wave of my hoof, she practically came running.
Rainbow Dash's smile faded.
"Yeah," I started as Pinkie came to our table with a bright smile. "I was hoping for another sundae?" I gestured to my half-empty beverage.
She nodded quickly and said, "Okie dokie!"
I smiled as she practically skated across the marble floor. Turning back to my date, I was met with a hurt stare.
"That was rude," She said with her magenta eyes pouring over me.
That is not what I need right now. I complained with a sigh. "I was just asking for a refill," I explained with no emotion.
Rainbow's lips went into a very weak smile. "Yeah, I guess I'm just overreacting," Her smile then made a full recovery and she took another bit of her cupcake.
"It's fine," I said, taking my final sip of the sundae before getting up. "Come on, I'm tired and I want to go to sleep."
Rainbow stared at me and slowly got up. "Oh...uhm, okay."
I sighed, seeing Pinkie Pie return with my sundae and said, "Oh! You're leaving?"
We nodded.
"Would you like it to go?"
"Nah," I said before Rainbow Dash could. "Enjoy yourself." I then gave her some bits and trotted towards the door with a disappointed, confused and hurt Rainbow Dash behind me.
I was sitting with Rainbow Dash across from me late at night in my home. She was, for a lack of better words, rambling. I kept my attention on her- my eyes at least- for a while, and I was enduring her talking about something to do with clouds, college and other unimportant crap.
Then I realized there was a TV right over there behind her. I didn't think of how much it might hurt a mare's feelings if I were to just turn on a TV mid-conversation, so I did.
Needless to say, I didn't hear any rambling. For only a couple seconds.
"Uhm...honey?" Rainbow looked at me with a hoof on the table between us.
"Yep?"
She looked form the TV to me. Some sports game was on. "Are...are you ignoring me?" She asked with almost trembling eyes.
"No, I'm just watching TV."
"I was try-"
I turned the volume up.
"Dude," She looked at me in disbelief. "I'm trying to talk to you."
"I couldn't hear the TV so I turned it up. You can keep talking, I was listening."
Rainbow slouched in her seat. "What was I talking about?" She interrogated.
"Ugh..." I took in a deep sigh. "Some shit about...clouds and co- look, I don't know. Can I just lay back and relax for once?"
She scrunched her nose and stared at me for a long time. I didn't care, as long as she wasn't talking. She stayed silent.
"Thanks," I said with a smile and kicked up back legs, leaning back and relaxing.
I was not, in absolutely no sense of the phrase, a "Morning Pony". I fucking hate waking up at five in the morning. Seeing Rainbow Dash all gitty and ready for the day, running through the house and taking five minute showers wasn't helping my mood.
"You should take a shower!" She yelled from downstairs.
"I'll take one if I fucking want one," I said through gritted teeth as I swung open the bathroom door. For good measure, I slammed it.
I wasn't hearing any Rainbow rambles after that, which gave me some peace to go through the cabinet and find my toothbrush and paste.
"Honey, are you okay?" Rainbow squeaked from the other side of the door.
I should probably lock it. I thought as I turned to her voice. "I'm fine, Rainbow Dash."
It's been a while since I called her by her birth name, and by hearing it from me, I could feel her hurt. "Oh, okay. Just...make sure to use that new shampoo I bought you! It's supposed to make your mane nice and smooth, just how I l-"
"Yeah I got it," I interrupted mid-brush. I fucking hate talking with my mouth full of paste. Tastes like shit. Actually, this stuff tastes like shit.
"Uhm..." Rainbow muttered from behind the door. I could hear her fidgeting.
"What?" I asked with very distinct, very clear annoyance.
Rainbow pursued regardless, which only fueled my fumes. "Is...is everything okay? You've been acting weird...at Sugarcube Corner yesterday and...now uhm...I don't know, you just sound annoyed."
I sighed and continued brushing my teeth.
The door opened slowly and the cyan pegasus poked her head in. "Honey? Did you hear me?"
"Ya," I replied with a mouthful of toothpaste.
"...Are you annoyed with me?" She asked in the most gentle, sweetest voice her vocal cords could allow. It pissed me off.
"No," I replied without breaking eye contact with my own reflection.
"Are....are you sure? Because you don't so-"
"Oh my Celestia!" I abruptly shouted and tossed my brush in the sink. Rainbow visibly shrunk. "Yes! You're annoying me! Now please, at least let me wake up before you bug the fuck out of me."
Rainbow Dash curled up and began to cry, looking at the floor as she did so. "B-b-b-....but....W-w-why...? What...did I do?" She whimpered with quivering lips.
I stared down at her with my cold eyes. "You want something to cry about?" I threatened with both a raised hoof and dark, horrible glare.
Rainbow's face was of complete and total shock. "Wh-...what?"
Ugh, and that's what pisses me off most! You used to be real fucking cool and now you're as fragile as paper. I thought and without a second's notice, I brought my hoof down and struck her across the face.
Blood spurted and landed on the floor, but no pony was around to help her. She whimpered and cried before she finally looked up at the striker. "D-....did you just..." She put a hoof to her cheek and brought it back to her eyes, seeing blood. "Hit me...?"
I stared down at her.
Without another word, Rainbow Dash ran out the bathroom door and bolted out the front.
See? I thought to myself and went back to brushing my teeth. Too soft.
It was another day, just like any other in Ponyville. Sitting across from her at Sugarcube Corner again and I am going to be honest, it sucks.
At least she's not talking...
"Honey..." She used that sweet voice again.
Celestia damnit. I thought this was going to be relaxing. "What?" I hissed towards her with my eyes elsewhere.
She noticed this but pushed forward anyway. "Uh....I...got accepted," She said with a very weak, scared smile.
"To?" I asked with my eyes scanning over the various mares in the shop.
She noticed this too, her smile wavering slightly. "Uhm...the Aerial Superiority University."
I turned to her with a grin. "College?" She smiled. "What are you going to college for?" She frowned.
"I- uhm..." She stuttered, putting her hooves together and doing her best to keep eye contact. "Stunts, and...uhm, Astronomy, and...I wasn't sure about the rest."
I laughed and pointed a hoof at her. "Stunt-work, okay, but Astronomy? What the hell do you know about that?"
She let her mouth hang open slightly and looked to the ground. "...Yeah, it was a stupid idea. Maybe I should just...not go to college." She wiped her muzzle and sighed.
"Ya," I agreed and averted my gaze- which happened to land on Pinkie- and I laughed deliberately once again at Rainbow's expense. "Fastest in Equestria alright, fastest in bed."
Rainbow's eyes went wide and she looked around the room. Nopony else was reacting to the insult. She leaned forward and stared at me. "H-...how could you say that!?" She tried keeping her voice down.
I sighed and looked back at her. Oh great, she's about to cry again. I thought in annoyance and put both my hooves on our table. "What? It's true."
Rainbow Dash's lips quivered as she fumbled her words. "I-I...Th-...This isn't..you...? You wouldn't say something like that..."
I rolled my eyes. Here we go, I saw this shit coming. "Rainbow Dash," She winced. "Look at yourself. You're about to cry in front of all these ponies."
She whimpered and ducked her head in a corner, wiping her face. "S-...sorry..."
I sighed and stood up from my seat. "I'm going home. Clean yourself up," I slid her a couple napkins and trotted towards the door.
There weren't many ponies in the shop, so I assumed the little scene Rainbow put on went unnoticed.
Until I felt a very strong stare by a particular pink maned mare.
Try me bitch. I thought as I swung open the door and left.
I was getting real sick of Rainbow's whimpiness after that day. When we first went out, things were great. We had fun playing pranks, she was tough and independent. Then she started getting on my flank about something and trying to over-manage my own life when she should have been thinking about hers.
And there we were, laying in bed together. I couldn't recall then and I couldn't recall now the last time we did anything sexual, but it definitely wasn't going to be after how she was acting. I hated fragile mares.
"Honey..."
Oh my fucking Celestia can I get one night of just nothing?
Rainbow turned over and looked at me. Her eyes looked like they had been dried up and her hooves were brought up to her chest. If this hadn't been the billionth time I'd seen it, it would've been cute. "Can we talk?"
Hmph...At least she's asking. "No," I said with one eye open.
Rainbow gulped and proceeded to scoot closer. "Can...you at least tell me what I am doing wrong...?"
I sighed and opened both my eyes lazily. "Not now...It's so damn late."
She perused despite my polite request. "B-b...but, you said we could talk tonight, and...I don't want this relationship to fall apart. I want to change, for you."
How fucking pathetic.... I groaned and continued in my sleepy defense. "Just...not tonight. I don't want to talk about your shit right now."
She looked hurt, but significantly less so. It seemed she was getting used to it. "If...not tonight, then when? Tomorrow? A week? No, now...please....so I can be the mare you want?"
I rolled my eyes and stared at her. "You are starting to piss me off," I complained and clenched my eyes shut, hoping in vein I'll suddenly fall asleep.
"Come on, sweety...I know I can do better! You...I...I really want us to be happy together. Just...tell me what to do."
"Fuck, okay. Know what I want?" I suddenly got out of my cozy spot and looked at her in those worn-out magenta eyes. "I want you to shut the fuck up. Stop trying to be the perfect mare, and just fucking relax."
Her lips began to quiver again. Ugh...here we go again! I thought. "You...didn't have to say it like that..."
"Oh boo-hoo. Just...ugh, go to bed." I ordered and plopped back with my face in a pillow.
She gulped and turned over.
For a moment, just a moment, I thought it was over. Then, "Do you hate me?"
"FUCK OH MY CELESTIA YES I HATE YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!"
And there went the waterworks. Rainbow whimpered, cried, squeaked, curled up and cried some more.
No fucking way I can sleep with this shit. I thought as I got up from the bed and took the only blanket and pillow, trotting out the bedroom door.
I heard Rainbow whimper before I left, "B-b-b-..you...said y-y-...you love me...I love you...."
Rainbow Dash and I sat in a cafe shop run by a local mare, whom I've come to know as Bon Bon. I liked the waitress though- a very bright and outgoing mare with teal fur and str-
"Honey,"
Fuck. I thought as I drew my eyes away from the waitress and to the cyan pegasus before me.
She looked as miserable and pathetic as ever. "I...thought about what you said. I...think I understand now," She said with a struggling smile.
I turned away again with a sigh and kept my eyes on the waitress.
She continued anyway. "I...have to be how we first met. Strong, careless and independent. I get that, and...I am going to do it for you. The whole reason I started being really...uhm, you know, was because...I love you-" I snorted. "-and I want...to..be with you..." Her voice trailed off as she fidgeted with something in her hooves.
I sighed. "Yeah, looks like you got it figured out."
She smiled at my comment. She fidgeted about, holding something in her hooves.
At the moment, I didn't bother to look at the black box, but she would have been pleased to know I was thinking about her. Details on what exactly, however...
"Rainbow Dash," I said, getting her attention immediately. Those big magenta eyes, that hopeful stare, that big smile....it had exhausted its last ounce of cuteness. "I'm breaking up with you."
I just happened to be staring into those magenta eyes when I delivered the most unfortunate news to her. What I saw was quite simply the most tragic and pathetic thing I have ever witnessed.
Her lips quivered, her eyes melted, her hooves trembled and she could barely utter out, "B-...w-...I-...You-...said..I'm..." She choked as her tears fell on the table.
I sighed deeply and stood up from my seat and started for the door. I don't want to see this shit.
"B-b-b-b-I-I-I-You-you-you, l-l-oved...m-m-me...?" She continued to whimper and whine. Probably spoiling my chances of ever coming in here again without getting dirty looks. "I-I-I...love you...I need you in...my life."
And then I left.
It was midday, with the sun shinning through the window to your left and your own coffee cup steaming out the tube to your right. There were ponies happily doing their daily routine- all of them happy- and inside the cafe you saw ponies chatting it up, drinking their beverages and ordering breakfast. The owner, who you've come to know as Bon Bon, had a motto of, "It's always breakfast!"
The cheery mood around you was soured by every single word, every single breath, every single thing the colt in front of you did, said or breathed.
He was a brown Earthpony with black hair and emerald eyes. He had a permanent look of indifference on his face and he had just finished telling you the most rancid, horrible story you had ever heard.
"You just...left?" You asked in disbelief.
He gave a firm nod.
"You're telling me...this all happened a year ago?"
He tapped a hoof against the table as he thought, then gave another firm nod.
"You..." You paced yourself, taking in a deep breath.
Seeing your anger boiling, the brown colt grinned.
"Who do you think you are?" You finally asked with heat.
The colt took in an unnecessary amount of air, then said, "A jerk?"
You narrowed your gaze on him and was about ready to flip the table on him. "You hurt that poor mare's heart. You broke her."
He rolled his eyes in return. "She let that happen. You know it yourself- she should've let me go. A smart mare would have."
You couldn't find the right words to say, so you settled for, "You malicious prick fucking donkey-dick!"
The cafe suddenly went very quiet. So quiet in fact, the sound of a coffee steam going off could be heard in the back room.
The colt before had a bemused expression plastered on his face. It was hard to distinguish what he was feeling or thinking at any given time. He was like an animal.
He is an animal...A rabid, disgusting vermin that needs to be dealt with. You thought as you stared at him. You could feel heavy eyes on you from all angles.
"It's alright," The colt said to the ponies around him, to which they reluctantly went back to their business, save a few. "You have balls." He said to you with cool, relaxed eyes.
"You are a sick, demented fuck." You struck with venom.
He took it with immunity and continued. "Aren't you two dating now?" He asked with a yawn.
You nodded once.
"How long y-"
"A year." Your voice was becoming more and more venomous, hurtful and direct. Much like his. Realizing this, you calmed your breathing and settled in your seat.
"...Right," He then took a big gulp of his own coffee as he looked elsewhere. "I'll make you a deal."
"No,' You said immediately.
He continued regardless as he put his empty cup down. "Tell me about your life with Rainbow Dash. If I'm inspired, I might feel bad."
You narrowed your eyes even more. "I am not telling you shit about our relationship. That's for us to know."
"Okay then, it was nice meeting you, my friend. I'll be seeing you around," and he got up without giving you another word and headed for the door.
You bit your bottom lip as you said through gritted teeth, "Fine."
He stopped, turned and smile. "I'm sorry?"
"....Fine," You said again, gesturing to the vacant seat.
He happily sat back down, kicked up his back legs and sighed. "I'd like all the juicy details. Also, don't forget to make it in chronological order, I hate stories that aren't told in order."
You put your hooves to your side. "Fine, I'll tell it to you like you are a baby- because you look like one."
He kept smiling.
"...Maybe you'll learn something. Let's start with," you paused, looking him in the eyes.
