Mare-Do-Well Begins
The city. Towering monoliths of steel and glass reach upwards in a futile attempt to pierce the heavens, while the streets below teem with life, scuttling to and fro like so many ants. On every street corner, vendors hawk their wares, catering to the diverse desires of the roiling throngs. Taxies rush heedlessly from point to point with cabbies screaming vulgarities at any unlucky enough to get in their way, while pedestrians push and shove in an attempt to reach their individual destinations ahead of their fellow commuters. From a distance, the city is a beautiful sight, sparkling in the light during the day, and at night lit up as though it were its own miniature sun attempting to push back the darkness. Push back, yes, but certainly not banish completely. For the brighter the light, the deeper the shadows cast.
While many come to the city to build a better life for themselves and their families, there are always those who hang on the fringes of society. Predators, who seek to gain wealth and power not by the sweat of their own brow, but by feeding on those weaker than themselves. The motivation for these criminals is as varied as the crimes committed, with some organizing themselves into what nearly amounts to a business in pursuit of ill-gotten gain while others commit random acts of violence to satisfy their own perverse desires. Still others attempt to gain power and influence through secret acts of villainy while presenting a front of legitimacy, never caring how many they must trample on their road to success. Then there are the deranged, the psychopaths who commit heinous and unspeakable acts for no other reason than “its fun”, or “because they can”. No matter the motivation, those with evil in their hearts and minds prefer to stick to the shadows, avoiding the light in fear of being exposed for the monsters that they are.
Let us turn our attention to one such city, on a night much like many other, on a scene that has played out countless times. A brightly lit theater marquee, proclaiming the adventures of a swashbuckling hero. A family exits, the couple leaning against each other with the easy familiarity that comes from years of living and loving together. A child capers ahead of them, acting out scenes from the film with youthful enthusiasm. Laughing and talking amongst themselves, the trio disappears into the mouth of a shadowy alley across from the theater, intending to use the garbage strewn strip of asphalt as a shortcut to their destination. A moment of silence, than the night air is ripped apart by an angry shout, a shrill scream of terror, the sounds of a scuffle, then… two gunshots ring out in the darkness. There is silence for a long minute, as though the night itself is holding its breath, than the air is once more rent by a sound most horrible. Instead of a third shot, or a scream, this is the sound of laughter. It is the laugh of a demon, a malicious and hateful sound, starting as an evil chuckle that swiftly grows into great whooping peals of horrible merriment. And if one were able to listen closely, if they could stand to listen to the heart stopping sound of mad laughter, almost overwhelmed by the noise they would hear the soft, wailing cries of a young soul who has seen their entire world destroyed before them.
Twilight Sparkle stood, numb to the cold air swirling through the feathers of her wings and whipping her mane about her neck. Slightly detached, as though she were a passenger in her own body, she could feel her brother’s hoof on her withers, shaking slightly as he made no attempt to curb his sobbing. She could feel Cadance attempting to alternate between supporting Shining Armor, and herself. On her back, she could dimly feel Spike cling desperately to her neck, his stubby arms reaching as far around her as he could, grasping desperately at her as though he feared she would slip away from him were he to let go for even a second.
Tearing her gaze from the two freshly dug graves before her, she let her gaze wander down the line her friends had made to one side of her. Rarity, dressed all in black with a veil draping down around her horn and over her face, was sobbing quietly into a silk hoofkerchief. Gently running her wing along her back, her own tears dripping in a constant stream down her cheeks, Fluttershy displayed a surprising level of calm strength as she attempted to comfort the weeping unicorn. Pinkie Pie, her mane and tail wilted from her usual chaotic swirls into a straight, dull pink mass, stood uncharacteristically silent and still. Next to her was Applejack, wearing a black vest with a black ribbon around her trademark Stetson, which she was currently clutching respectfully to her chest. Finally, Rainbow Dash stood stiff in her Wonderbolt Reserves dress uniform, her eyes riveted on the gravestones before her.
Turning her own gaze back, Twilight found herself struggling to feel something, anything besides this cold numbness. Analytically, she realized she was in shock, her mind simply refusing to deal with her new reality. Unbidden, she found herself remembering the events of the past weeks. Her mother had been invited to attend a writer’s symposium in Manehattan, and her father and baby sister had decided to accompany her.
Twilight let loose a sudden, breathy sob. Her baby sister, little Velvet Spark. Not long after Tirek’s rampage across Equestria had been thwarted, her parents had discovered that they were expecting a surprise third child. Twilight had been ecstatic at the opportunity to be an elder sibling, and for a time after Velvet’s birth had moved back to Canterlot to spend more time with her sister and parents. Her duties as Princess of Friendship had finally forced her to return to Ponyville, though she had insisted on regular visits. She had been unable to accompany her family to Manehattan due to reports of strange magical anomalies across Equestria forcing her and her friends to investigate the phenomenon. Then the news had come; her parents had been found dead in an alleyway, and her sister was nowhere to be found.
Twilight’s breath began to hitch, rattling painfully in her chest as she finally gave way to grief. Her parents were gone, and her sister was missing. She barely noticed as a giant white wing wrapped over her and her surviving family, her mentor silently attempting to comfort her former student. Even as she hung her head in anguish, one thought pounded through her skull; she would find her sister, and she would find the monster responsible for destroying her family. And when she did, she would make them rue the day they were spawned.
Ceremony complete, the small group of friends and family gathered in the banquet hall of Canterlot Castle. Usually a venue that had witnessed many joyous occasions, from weddings to victory feasts, now the atmosphere was somber and subdued. Twilight, Spike and Shining Armor found themselves almost smothered by the combined bodies of Cadance, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Pressing close, each attempted to impart some measure of comfort and strength to the grieving siblings. Standing at a respectful distance, Celestia and Luna looked on as their little ponies attempted to comfort each other. Bending down to the shorter Lunar Diarch’s ear, Celestia gently murmured, “Luna, I’m going to ask that you stand watch over Twilight’s sleep tonight.”
Glancing sharply at her sister, Luna’s brow creased into a worried frown. “So thou sensed it as well?”
Celestia nodded sadly. “Twilights aura, it’s become darker. I fear she will succumb to thoughts of vengeance against her parent’s killers.”
Luna’s frown deepened. “And this surprises you? Sister, thou saw the autopsy reports. The beast who perpetrated this heinous act mutilated Sir Night Light and Lady Velvet’s bodies! Add to that, Twilight’s sister, the younger Velvet, is missing and likely in the hooves of that monster. Surely, Twilight is allowed to feel some measure of righteous fury towards this creature?!”
For a moment, Luna witnessed her sister’s practiced calm façade crack as a single tear rolled down the alicorn’s face. “No Luna. It is not that I think Twilight should not feel grief and anger, but that I fear history repeating itself. If something were to happen to Twilight…”
Luna stepped closer, reaching up to softly nuzzle Celestia’s cheek. “Thou fears Twilight will succumb to the Nightmare?”
Celestia let loose a sudden sob. “I already had to lose you once Luna! I love that mare like a daughter, I don’t think I could survive seeing her succumb to darkness!”
Luna pressed her body closer to her sister tucking her head up under Celestia’s chin. “Calm thyself Tia, have more faith in thy student than that! Her aura has darkened, yes, but not to that extent! Look upon her, dost thou truly think she will succumb to darkness?”
Swallowing convulsively, Celestia examined Twilight in greater detail. She took in the sight of her five friends, each crowding close around her in support. She looked to Shining Armor, who was desperately trying lend his strength to his sister even in the midst of his own grief, while Cadance provided her own quiet love and strength to the both of them. Celestia finally heaved a sigh, and shook her head.
“No Luna, no I don’t truly believe she will fall. She has too many ponies who love her, and she is a strong mare in her own right. She will survive this, but I still fear for her.”
Luna nodded, giving Celestia one final nuzzle before stepping back. “Verily Sister, I truly believe she will come away from this scarred, but stronger. There will be dark days ahead of her, so I will honor thy request and guard her slumber. To tell truth, I fear more for the monster who attacked her family than I do for her. I sense a great resolve within thy student, and believe she will not rest until she has avenged her parent’s death and rescued her sister.”
Celestia smiled gratefully at her younger sister, before her eyes narrowed at the approach of a newcomer to the hall. “What is he doing here?”
Luna turned, and her own face began to darken as she recognized the Pegasus stallion waddling towards the group. Waddling indeed. The pegasus was enormously fat, with short stubby legs that propelled him in an awkward shuffle that put one in mind of an overfed farm bird more than a majestic creature of the skies. As if to compensate for his distasteful physical appearance, the stallion was clad in a dapper black and white tuxedo complete with bowtie and top hat, while an ornate umbrella was clutched beneath one stubby wing. A monocle was clenched in one beady eye, while the other glared out at the world as if daring it to challenge him. On his rump was a cutie-mark of an umbrella shadowing an overflowing bag of bits. Marching beside him, two heavily muscled Earth ponies clad in dark suits and sunglasses peered about them suspiciously.
Celestia and Luna stepped forward as one, barring the fat Pegasus and his companions from continuing their advance towards Twilight and her family. Peering up at the alicorn sisters through his monocle, the Pegasus gave an impudent wink before addressing them around an unlit cigarette holder in a thick Trottingham accent.
“Hwah, well, lookie ‘ere boyos. Princess Tia an’ liddle Lulu as I live an’ breath. ‘ow’s things at the top me duckies?”
Celestia managed to steel her features into serenity, though her eye twitched slightly at the stallions mocking tone. “Mayor Cobblestone, always a… pleasure. Might I ask, what brings you all the way from Manehattan?”
Cobblestone waved a wing, signaling one of his bodyguards to produce a lighter. Taking a long drag at his cigarette before puffing a smoke ring past Luna’s face, he managed to school his slimy grin into something approaching a sympathetic frown. “Wot, can’t I pass on me condolences to the grieving Princess Sparkle? As mayor wotever ‘appens within me constituency reflects on meself, an’ I wanted to personally assure the young princess that whoever committed this heinous act will be brought to swift justice!”
While Celestia had managed to keep her feelings in check in the face of the disrespectful mayor, her sister was becoming visibly enraged, her ethereal mane and tail lashing and roiling in reflection of her agitation. “A pox upon thee, and thy false condolences with thee! Thou villain, thou would not know justice were it to come crashing down about thine perfidious ears!”
Cobblestone let loose a cackling laugh. “Hwah, Hwah! Quite a firecracker you is, ain’t ya liddle Lulu? An’ I wouldn’t be so quick to sling words like ‘villain’ around my dearie. After all, wasn’t too long gone you was going by another name altogether. What was it again? Ah yes, Nightmare Moon.”
At the mention of her hated alter-ego, Luna’s eyes went wide with shock, then narrowed in fury. “Thou darest to mention my fallen form? Perhaps We should examine thy own actions as Emperor Penguin!”
Cobblestone’s joviality disappeared suddenly, and he eyed the Lunar princess with something approaching murder in his eyes. “Steady on there me lovely turtledove. I’ll thank you to not bring up that regrettable chapter of me wild and impetuous youth. I’m a reformed stallion now, those days are long gone behind me.”
Luna snorted scornfully. “Hah! Reformed say you? I know you for what you truly are, a thief and a brigand of the worst sort! You may have been able to fool the good ponies of Manehattan, but you cannot hide the evil in thine heart from the Princess of the Night!”
Before the conflict could escalate beyond verbal stabs, Celestia laid a calming wing over her sister’s back. Turning her disapproving stare upon Cobblestone, Celestia managed to reign in her own opinions of the mobster turned politician. “Mister Mayor, I must ask you to keep your visit brief. As you can no doubt see, Princess Twilight has suffered a tremendous loss, and is beside herself with worry over her missing sister. I will allow you a few moments to say your piece, but then I believe you will want to return to your city to coordinate the search efforts, correct?”
It was amazing how quickly the transformation occurred. One moment Cobblestone looked as though he was seriously considering assaulting Luna with his umbrella, the next he was completely relaxed and smiling at both sisters. Chuckling heartily, he signaled one of his henchstallions to relight his cigarette. “Right you are Princess Tia, right you are. Terrible business this is, just terrible.” This despite the look on his face making it seem as though it were the exact opposite. “Not to worry though, I have complete faith in my chief of police. The MPD have the situation well in hoof, I guarantee.”
Doffing his top hat in only the most abbreviated of bows, Mayor Cobblestone waddled off towards the main group, followed closely by his guards. Luna watched him go, trying unsuccessfully to restrain her anger. “Sister, how is it possible for such a… disgusting excuse for a pony to rise to the high honorable office of Mayor? And of such a prominent city as Manehattan?”
Celestia loosed a tired sigh. “As I understand it, he was supported heavily by the Falcon and Macaroni families.”
Luna blinked in confusion. “Falcon and Macaroni… The suspected crime bosses?!”
Her sister nodded grimly. “So far there has only been the broadest of suspicions regarding their activities, but yes. Between Falcon Shipping and Macaroni Imports, those two families have enough power and influence with the city government to basically name their own nominees for office. I’ve tried to gather evidence proving their criminal activity, but so far all my efforts have led to one dead end after another.”
She watched as Cobblestone approached Twilight and begin speaking in a low voice. Looking closely, she could see as Twilight’s tearstained face underwent a transformation, going from grief-stricken, to incredulous, to murderously furious. Worried, she began to approach the group in time to catch Twilight’s reply.
“How dare you? How dare you come here, and tell me that you might not be able to find my sister?!”
Cobblestone seemed oblivious to the angry looks he was receiving from Twilight’s friends and family, simply popping his monocle from his eye and buffing it on a silk hoofkerchief. “Understand, my dear girl, Manehattan is the largest city in Equestria, with an unfortunately active underground. I only want to keep you informed of the situation honestly. That poor, poor filly could be anywhere, or even placed on board a ship bound for ports unknown.”
Celestia opened her mouth to speak, hoping to defuse the situation before Twilight or one of her friends could lose their cool completely and attack the smug mayor. She paused though, looking on with amazement and some fear as Twilight’s face once more underwent a transformation. As though a switch had been thrown, the anger seemed to vanish from Twilights face, and was replaced by a look of pure, saccharine sweetness. She smiled at Cobblestone, before calmly and quietly replying, “Thank you, Mayor Cobblestone. You must forgive me, I am under so much stress right now, and I am simply out of my mind with fear for my darling little sister. Please, keep me informed of any developments in the case, won’t you?”
Cobblestones smarmy grin grew even wider, as he once more doffed his hat and winked brazenly at the suddenly flirtatious filly before him. “Hwah, there’s a good liddle duckling. Chin up, you can rely on ol’ Uncle Cobblestone to find your poor, poor liddle sister for you. If there is anything I can do for you in the meantime, just drop me a ring, eh my chickadee?”
Twilight actually giggled, dropping into a low curtsey and batting her eyelashes at the fat stallion. “Oh, never fear my good sir, I fully intend to do so. Safe journey home Mister Mayor!”
Cackling gleefully to himself, Cobblestone turned about and waddled towards the exit, waving one wing cheerfully at the assembly as he went. When the doors finally slammed shut behind him, Twilights friends turned their shocked gaze on their suddenly bi-polar friend. Rainbow was the first to react, leaping into a hover above Twilight’s head.
“The hay Twilight! Were you actually flirting with that sleazeoid?!”
Rarity was next, shaking her head in disbelief. “Darling, while I may be the first to seek the refined, polite route, there comes a time when even a lady must do what needs done. In this case, why on Earth did you not slap that atrocious little monster across his smug face?!”
Celestia stepped closer. “Twilight, what did he say to you?”
The alicorn in question raised a hoof for silence. Taking a deep, tremulous breath, she opened eyes bright with unshed tears. “I’m sorry Celestia, girls. You see, I’ve met Cobblestone before.” Pausing to give a convulsive shudder, she slowly continued. “I’m sure Celestia can attest to this, but my years spent studying as her personal student and protégé were not always happy. This was almost exclusively the fault of the nobles and business ponies who seemed to think that I was their ticket to increased influence within Celestia’s court. It wasn’t so bad at first, I guess they simply viewed me as a sort of pet or temporary amusement for the Princess. It wasn’t until just before I started to reach adolescence that things began to grow intolerable. Suddenly I went from being ignored by most ponies to getting an average of 5 invitations per week to playdates, dinner parties, social functions and yacht commissioning’s.”
Twilight stopped once more to draw a deep breath, and let loose a weak chuckle. “I was so excited at first. All those nobles and important ponies, they wanted me to spend time with them and their children. That lasted all of a week before I realized that the only reason they wanted to spend time with me was so they could get a friend that was close to the Princess, someone who could push their agendas and requests. Worse, they started trying to trap me in a marriage agreement with either themselves or one of their sons.”
She suddenly paused, as she once more shuddered as though attempting to dislodge some phantom filth. “The Cobblestones were the worse. They were considered to be very minor nobility, and identified more with the common businessponies like Filthy Rich rather than nobility like Prince Blueblood. It sure didn’t lessen their ambition though. Cobblestone’s father, Rough Shod, had made a name for himself in the construction business, and had high hopes that his son would go on to raise the family even further. I was still just a young filly, only slightly older than Applebloom. Cobblestone was in his mid-teens at that point, plenty old enough to know what he was doing.”
Fluttershy stepped closer to the shaking alicorn, running her hoof gently down her side. “Twilight, he didn’t…”
Twilight shook her head. “No, but it was a close thing. I had to scramble out a bathroom window just to get away. That was the last time I accepted an invitation that didn’t include either my brother, Cadance, or Princess Celestia.”
Shining Armor sniffed, and managed to muster a weak smile. “Actually got my first Guard promotion out of that mess. The princess decided that Twily needed an officer to escort her, so she made me a sergeant.”
Cadance nudged her husband’s ribs. “Really? The story I heard was that you were so angry at the way Cobblestone treated your sister, that you cornered him outside his private school and proceeded to put the fear of Faust in him and his cronies.”
Shining scowled. “Nopony touches my little sister and walks away unpunished.” Shining gave a sudden jerk, before his eyes filled with tears again. “Oh, Velvet…”
Cadance quickly pulled her husband close, nodding at Twilight to continue her explanation. Twilight swallowed hard, before continuing.
“That’s a lot of the reason I didn’t have any friends before you girls. Compared to the ponies I had come into contact with so far, books were safe. Books didn’t try to force you to marry them just so they could get a little further ahead politically. I basically buried myself in my studies from that point on, and the last I had heard, Cobblestone had been transferred from Canterlot High to a private school in Manehattan.”
Celestia stepped forward. “I think I can fill in the gaps from here. After he was sent to Manehattan, Cobblestone disappeared for quite some time. The next time I heard of him, was from a Manehattan police report detailing the shockingly extensive criminal undertakings he had set up among his schoolmates. That’s where he began going by a new name, Emperor Penguin.”
Applejack snorted a laugh. “Yeah, Ah think Ah could unnerstand where that came from.”
Celestia nodded gravely. “Indeed. When he was much younger, the other foals would tease him over his weight, his inability to fly, the umbrella his mother insisted that he carry at all times, his obsession with birds, even the clothing he liked to wear. I suppose he must have added the ‘Emperor’ title to the original nickname after moving to Manehattan and beginning his criminal activities.”
Rarity raised a hoof. “Hold on, I do believe I remember hearing something about that. I think my father had commented on a newspaper article about that ruffian’s exploits. Something about blackmail and extortion?”
Celestia nodded. “Correct, although those were the least of his crimes. Though never proven, it was suspected that he was involved in the disappearance of several students and teachers. He was placed in a juvenile detention center, and upon being released went to work for Falcon Shipping, another suspected front for criminal undertakings.”
Twilight ground her hoof into the marble floor. “And now, he’s in charge of the search effort for my sister? No, that cannot stand.”
Turning to her mentor, Twilight bowed respectfully. “Princess, I would like to request your permission to make use of the Royal Suite at the Manehattan Arms. I don’t trust Cobblestone, and I want to be there to personally search for Velvet.”
Celestia gravely inclined her own head. “Permission granted, Princess Twilight. I will send word at once for the staff to expect your arrival.”
“Waaaaiiiiit a minute!!! Surely you don’t think you can go off and look for little Velvy-Welvy on your lonesome, do ya?” Pinkie thrust her slightly bouncier than before curls into Twilight’s field of vision. “I don’t know about the rest of you girls, but I’m coming along for the search too! After all, someone is gonna need to have a party ready to cheer up little Velvet when we find her!
Fluttershy timidly raised her hoof. “Um, I’d like to come too, that is, if it’s alright with you?”
Rarity tossed her mane over her shoulder, and stepped closer. “I as well darling, you will need someone of moi abilities to navigate the twisting shoals of high society.”
Applejack tugged her hat down low over her eyes. “Whoever did this ta yer folks is still out there, and Ah’m itchin’ ta introduce ‘im ta Bucks MaGillicutty and Kicks MacGee.”
Rainbow Dash snapped to attention, snapping Princess Celestia a smart salute. “ Second Lieutenant Rainbow Dash, requesting reassignment to Princess Twilight’s personal guard detail, Ma’am!”
Celestia smiled proudly at the group of friends. “Granted, First Lieutenant Dash. Your promotion will be cleared through Captain Spitfire within the hour. All of you, keep each other close. Manehattan has become a dark and dangerous city in recent years, and you will need all of your strength and skills to save Twilight’s little sister and apprehend the creature responsible for this crime.”
Shining stepped forward, frowning determinedly. “I’m coming too.”
Celestia started to open her mouth to object, but surprisingly was beaten to the punch by Twilight. “Thank you BBBFF, but I can’t let you. Cadance needs you in the Crystal Empire, there have been too many magical flares and anomalies in that region for me to feel right about depriving the Empire of one of its defenders.”
Shining started to protest, only to be silenced by Princess Luna. “I know this is painful for you Sir Armor, but thy sister speaks truth. I have personally examined the phenomenon in question, and I fear that there are evil magic’s at work behind them.”
Heaving a deep sigh, Shining finally nodded in acquiescence. Stepping close, he pulled Twilight into a crushing hug. Burying his snout in her mane, he whispered, “Stay safe Twily. Whatever took our sister, it isn’t anything like what you’ve faced in the past. Stay safe, and get our sister back.”
Twilight hugged her brother back, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I promise Shiny. I swear on our parent’s memory that I will find who did this, and I will make them pay.”
The night was dark, and the streets below? More so. Vermin of all shapes and sizes scuttled from shadow to shadow, seeking whatever vile reward awaited them. Three such vermin of the two legged variety were currently engaged in taking a crowbar to a cheaply made lockbox. One of them, bald and rotund, looked around himself nervously. Stepping to the mouth of the alley he and his companions were sheltering in, he scanned the shadow strewn street for any signs of life. A second felon, this one short and skinny, looked up from where he was attempting to force the lock on the money chest and hissed impatiently at the look-out.
“Jeeze Joe, would ya relax? Yer giving me the creeps with all a’ yer pacin’ around!”
Joe continued to fidget as he scanned the street. “You relax Howard, I’m gonna keep an eye out. I don’t like this, we’re too close to… his turf.”
The third member of their group, an unremarkable fellow save for his wild hairstyle that came to two points on his balding skull, grinned feraly as he steadied the lock box for his fellow thief. “Youse worry too much Joe! I heard Two Face is having a liddle party for GCPD across town, no way he is gonna notice us knocking over some schmuck’s two-bit liquor store!”
If the intent was to calm their jittery lookout, it failed spectacularly. The rotund thief went a shade paler at the mention of their recent crime. “You idiot Fine! Ya threatened the owner’s kid! Everyone knows he goes nuts when a rug-rat gets hurt!”
Howard finally got fed up with the lockbox, and threw the crowbar to the ground irritably. “Would youse guys shut up?! He aint here, he won’t know, an’ he can’t do Jack ta us cause we’ll be long gone before he even hears about this!”
“He has a name, you know.”
As one, the crooks began desperately scanning the alley, trying to pinpoint the location of the echoing growl that had destroyed their previous confidence.
“Come on, I want to hear you punks say it.”
“Shit! It’s Him!”
“He’s here!”
“The Batman!”
“And there it is. Scream it, slime. I want to hear you scream.”
And scream they did, as one of the shadows seemed to come alive. A monstrous shape, hard angles of a cowl with pointed ears flowing into a scalloped, wing-like cape rose from the night as though spawned from it. The only point of color was a yellow oval on the creature’s chest, the silhouette of a bat superimposed. In a blind panic, the thug known as Howard drew a pistol and began firing wildly at the apparition’s location. The Batman exploded into movement, ducking low as a gloved hand flicked a single, bat shaped length of steel into the gunman’s hand. As Howard yelped in pain and dropped his weapon, his odd haired companion Fine turned to run. Leaping upright again, the vigilante lunged forward, smashing his fist into the whimpering Howard’s face while simultaneously withdrawing a set of bola’s from his utility belt, and throwing the lead weighted length of cable so that it wrapped around the fleeing criminal’s legs and pitched him into a wall, where he slumped unconscious to the concrete. Joe, meanwhile, was cowering in a corner of the alley, watching as his more active compatriots fell. Finally finished with his victims, the Batman strode towards the cringing thief. Grabbing a double handful of the thug’s jacket, he hauled the shrieking fat-man up from the ground as though he weighed less than a kitten, and slammed him violently into the alley wall.
“Lay off man, leave me alone, please just leave me alone…”
“It’s been a while, ‘Curly’.”
“Aw, come on man, don’t call me that, I don’t even work for The Clown no more…”
“And yet, it was your fingerprints on the tool kit he used to escape Arkham. I’m only going to ask you once… WHERE IS HE!!!?”
The thug was actively crying now, tears squeezing from tightly clenched eyelids to drip down his ugly face.
“I don’ know! I swear on a stack a’ Bibles, I don’t know!”
The Dark Knight slammed a tightly clenched fist down on a trash can lid, causing ‘Curly’ to cry out and begin sobbing harder.
“I swear! I swear I don’t know! I admit it, I got ‘im the kit, but I swear I don’t know where he is! He hasn’t contacted any of his usual crews since breaking out!”
Batman’s jaw clenched fractionally, before he hauled the pitifully weeping criminal close. Gritting each word into the terrified man’s face, ensuring that there would be no way he could look anywhere but into the blank white slits that stood for the Caped Crusader’s eyes.
“I’ll be returning the money you stole. I want you to pass the word, you and your scumbag crew here. I want the Joker, and I will tear apart every drug den, booze hole, and mob warehouse until I get him. The sooner I find him, the less time I spend destroying your associate’s rat holes. Understand me, slime?”
Batman had to lean back slightly, to avoid being accidentally head-butted by the frantically nodding criminal. Dropping the thief to the garbage strewn ground, the Batman turned on his heel and thrust his fist skyward. A pneumatic hiss and pop, and a line shot from the grappling gun he had pulled from his belt. A scant second later, and the line had pulled taut, rocketing him up into the shadows. A moment, and then the ever-present smog that shrouded Gotham parted just enough for the moon to briefly appear. At that moment, the hyperventilating crook could see a terrifying shadow overlaid across the moon’s surface; the silhouetted figure of the Batman caught mid leap, cape streaming out behind him as though they truly were the leathery wings of the nocturnal creature whose likeness he had adopted. The smog closed back in, and the darkness fell once more over the alley and its trembling inhabitant.
Feather duster clenched in one white-gloved hand, Alfred Pennyworth, Gentleman’s Gentleman to billionaire philanthropist playboy Bruce Wayne leaned precariously from the step ladder he was currently perched on. Leaning close, he scrutinized the surface before him in an attempt to discern whether he had truly eradicated every trace of dirt. Finally pronouncing it satisfactorily clean (for now), he began his descent down the ladder currently propped up against the giant penny in the lower reaches of his master’s trophy room. Pausing for a moment, Alfred shook his head slightly. Less a room and more of a cavern, the walls and floor were littered with mementoes and memorabilia, all dedicated to the exploits of a man who had declared unceasing war on crime and injustice. With a melancholy sigh, the butler paused in his trek across the cave floor to examine a framed portrait. Set into a natural alcove in the cave wall, the painting took on the air of a shrine. Depicted within, a man and a woman of middle age; the man smiling through a thick moustache while the woman sat primly before him, covering one of his hands with her own. This then, was Thomas and Martha Wayne, whose deaths at the gun of a petty thief had destroyed the life of a ten year old boy, and set him on the path to become the world’s greatest detective and most ruthless vigilante crime fighter. Bowing his head in silent respect to his former employers, Alfred moved on into the main body of the cave.
He had just begun to wipe down the massive bank of computer monitors that took up one entire wall of the cavern, when the roar of a jet engine shattered the tranquility of the cave, causing the bats that inhabited the cavern to shriek and take flight. Stepping away from his previous task, Alfred set about pouring a cup of dark coffee and setting a platter of food onto a serving tray. Behind him, the sleekly armored form of the Batmobile roared into the cave and came to a stop. Picking up the tray, Alfred turned in time to see the powerful automobile’s pilot slide the canopy open and begin striding purposefully towards the computer array.
“Good morning, Master Bruce. Could I perhaps interest you in a sandwich, or are you quite filled by the terror of the wicked?”
“Not now Alfred.”
Ignoring his manservant’s ever-present dry sarcasm, Batman began booting up the powerful mainframe known as the Batcomputer to enter his findings for the night. Recognizing that his employer was in an especially dark mood, Alfred set the tray containing yet another ignored meal to the side and approached the darkly brooding Batman.
“Still no word, sir?”
Batman shook his head, before entering a series of commands into the computer before him. “None. It’s as though he fell off the face of the earth.”
Alfred leaned over Batman’s shoulder, examining the recording from the Arkham security feed showing The Clown Prince of Crime’s initial escape. “I suppose it would be utterly ridiculous to assume that no news is good news?”
The Batman’s gloved hands clenched. “The longer he’s free, the more time he has to destroy innocent lives. I have to find him, before he decides to enact whatever deranged plan his sick mind has concocted this time.”
He continued to examine the security footage, frowning as the screen faded to static just as the Joker turned a corner. His associate leaned forward, squinting at the now snowy screen. “Electrical interference sir?”
Batman shook his head, before entering a command that set the Batcomputer to deciphering the footage. “There were reports of an odd electrical storm the night Joker escaped. Eyewitnesses described the anomaly as a large thunderhead that shimmered as though being viewed underwater, while the lighting seemed to linger on the surface longer than what would be considered natural.”
Tweaking one of the variables on the analyzing software, Batman finally leaned back in his seat and pulled his cowl back. Allowing himself a tired sigh, Bruce Wayne ground the heels of his palms into eyes bloodshot from days with little sleep. “It gets worse. The National Weather Service reported no such atmospheric activity, and scanning and imaging equipment failed to register the phenomenon as well.”
Alfred regarded his exhausted employer. Turning back to the heretofore neglected meal, he poured a fresh cup of coffee before placing the tray before the fuming vigilante. “You don’t suppose, Master Bruce, that this… oddity of meteorology has anything to do with that ruffian’s disappearance, do you?”
Bruce grimaced slightly, before taking a long sip from the steaming cup Alfred handed him. “I can’t rule out anything at this juncture old friend. At the very least, this electric storm could have been responsible for shorting out the cameras within the asylum. Beyond that, nothing. It’s as though he disappeared into the very air.”
“Ah, well, not quite. But close though!”
There was no hesitation. Before the newcomer had finished speaking, Bruce had yanked his cowl up over his face once more, and had bounded over the back of his chair with a batarang gripped in either hand. Behind him, Batman registered the click of a safety, and knew without looking that Alfred had produced the small pistol he insisted on carrying. Both men were prepared to defend their sanctum against any number of hostile invaders, but the man currently advancing towards them, twirling a knobby cane and grinning as though he were on holiday, matched no description of any hostile force from Batman’s long list of enemies. Despite the seemingly happy-go-lucky attitude and friendly smile on the intruder’s face, however, something about the man put Batman on edge. He was tall, roughly seven feet by best estimate, and was rail thin. His proportions seemed off, as though no two appendages were the same length, while the nails of his hands seemed to come to claw-like points. Shaggy white hair cascaded down the invader’s neck in what could best be described as a mane, while a scraggly goatee that would not have looked out of place on a Billy goat completed the look. It was the eyes though, that set Batman on his guard. One seemingly larger than the other, the whites were instead a sickly yellow, while his irises were a blood red. They seemed to radiate with a barely repressed madness as the stranger panned his delighted gaze across the many and varied tools of the Caped Crusader’s crime fighting arsenal.
“Really, don’t get up on my account. Too kind of you all the same though! My, so this is where the delightfully dour Dark Knight Detective deposits his derriere after dispensing justice upon dastardly evildoers. How simply marvelous!”
Batman didn’t wait for the intruder to continue his monologue. Leaping forward, he hurled first one, then the other batarang at the trespasser’s smug visage. The gangly man grinned, then snapped his fingers, transforming the first batarang into an actual bat, which gave a screech of surprise upon discovering its newfound sentience and fluttered off into the darkness of the cave.
“Now then, is that any way to treat a guest, my cantankerous caped OW!” the second batarang had retained its shape, and impacted the alliterating interloper between his mismatched eyes. Rubbing his head with one hand, he snapped the fingers of the second and teleported across the cave floor, barely avoiding the vigilante’s fist. “How?! They should have both transformed!”
Recovering from his missed attack, Batman withdrew a set of metal knuckles from his belt, before resuming his advance on the now scowling invader. “Nth metal. Highly resistant to magic. Now, who are you, and what do you want here?”
The gangly man seemed to pout for a moment, before once more snapping his fingers. Suddenly, he was hovering roughly twenty feet in the air, carelessly draped over a neon pink Laz-Boy recliner. “Hmph. No fair using anti-magic that I’ve never heard of. Anyway, what gave me away? How did you know I was magical?”
Batman paused his advance, warily appraising the suspended form of the invader. He hadn’t made what could be interpreted as a hostile gesture since entering the cave, and had even responded non-violently to his own assault. Slowly replacing the Nth metal knuckles in their receptacle, he waved down Alfred who had continued to cover the intruder.
“You didn’t set off any of the intruder alarms, which means you had to have teleported in. I still wasn’t sure, which is why I threw the steel batarang first. Your actions simply confirmed my initial hunch, and I was able to follow up with the Nth metal attack.”
The tall man slowly nodded, before raising an inquisitive eyebrow. “Surely that can’t be all, can it? After all, I’m sure teleportation is not a necessarily uncommon ability, and certainly not confined to those with magic.”
Batman nodded, before continuing his explanation. “You would be correct. What really tipped my off was two things.”
The stranger impatiently motioned for the Dark Knight to continue. “Your eyes, and your shadow.”
Sitting abruptly upright, the stranger scowled down from his perch, which was currently flashing blue polka-dots. “And just what is wrong with my eyes?”
Batman allowed a small smirk to cross his face. “No normal human has eyes with yellow whites and red irises. While that in conjunction with your uneven limb proportions could be passed over as the result of a birth defect or illness, there is something about your appearance that is just wrong.” Pointing behind the stranger at the cave wall, he continued. “What confirmed my original hypothesis was your shadow. Did you even think to check when you transformed into your human shape?”
Still scowling, the stranger peered over his shoulder at the wall of the cave. There, thrown into sharp relief in the light from Batcomputer’s monitors, was the outline of the most outrageous creature to ever crawl from the depths of a fever dream. It was serpentine, with limbs that seemed to be grafted on from at least ten other creatures, real and mythical. Giving an annoyed huff, the stranger levitated down to the cave floor, arms crossed petulantly before him.
“Poo, knew I was forgetting something.” He shot a scathing glare towards his shadow. “Some help you turned out to be. Why didn’t you tell me?!” The shadow proceeded to shrug, as if to say ‘wadda ya want from me?’.
Attitude prescribing a sudden about-face, a manic grin spread impossibly wide across his face. “You, sir, are good. Yes, I think you will do nicely.”
Batman imperceptibly tensed. It never failed; intruders to the cave always wanted something from him. “Do what?”
Throwing his arms wide, the stranger grinned as though he had just won the lottery. “Why, you’ll do as an excellent instructor in the art of crime-fighting, detectiving, scaring, and generally teaching the ins and outs of being a dark figure of the night, fighting in the name of truth, justice, and harmony. Or is that the other fellow? The one with red underoos on the outside of his pants?” The undoubtedly unhinged individual paused for a moment to scratch his chin in contemplation, before shrugging and waving a dismissive hand. “Eh, close enough. So, will you do it?”
Batman took a wary step back. “I ask again, do what!? What do you mean, ‘instruct’? Who am I supposed to be instructing?”
At this, the stranger’s face darkened considerably. “Let’s just say, it’s a very close friend of a very close friend. She’s someone who gave me a second chance even when I didn’t deserve one.” The creature swallowed, before looking pleadingly at the vigilante impassively observing him. “She has recently had a great tragedy befall her, and I fear she may make a choice that will end with her getting hurt… or worse. She needs someone who will understand her, who can show her how to obtain justice without destroying herself in the process.”
For the first time since the stranger’s appearance, Alfred spoke up. “If I may be so bold as to inquire, sir, just what has happened to this friend of yours?”
A pause. Then, the stranger looked up, staring into the featureless slits that made up the Batman’s mask. “Her parents were murdered, and her baby sister taken by the murderer.”
There was a soft “Good Heavens!” from Alfred, while the stranger could see the Caped Crusader’s hands clench into fists, before relaxing.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.”
The stranger’s eyes narrowed dangerously, even as Alfred gave a gasp of dismay. “Sir! I fear I must insist upon an explanation!”
Batman turned his back on his butler and uninvited guest, striding back over to the monitors displaying the damaged footage of the Joker’s escape. “I want to help your friend Mister…?”
“Discord, Discord Q. Draconequus.”
“But as you can no doubt see, I have to stay and find this man before he kills anyone.” Sitting once more at his station, Batman ignored the increasingly angry being behind him while pulling up yet another analysis of the video. Suddenly, the grainy image of the Joker was replaced by the smirking face of his uninvited guest.
“Ah, but is that the only obstacle? Pish and Posh, I know where your fugitive is!”
Batman’s gauntleted fists smashed down on the workstation. “What are you talking about?! Where is he?!”
The being that had identified himself as Discord seemed to wilt, literally. Oozing from the monitor screen, he coalesced into a miserable looking puddle on the cave floor. “I’m afraid that may have been my fault.”
Batman reached and grabbed a handful of the goo, pulling up sharply he found himself gripping a morose Discord by the collar of his vest. Batman hauled the weird being close, snarling each word. “Who are you really, Mr. Draconequus? What are you, and what do you mean by saying the Joker’s escape was your fault?”
Discord snapped his fingers, and popped out of existence only to reappear leaning morosely against the Batmobile. He crossed his arms petulantly. “I didn’t say his escape was my fault. His subsequent disappearance? Yeah, that one’s on me.” He raised his hands defensively when he saw Batman begin moving towards him. “I swear, I didn’t mean to! I had just popped into your dimension to have a look around, maybe have a few laughs with the locals. I’m a being who enjoys chaos you see, and you humans are just chock full of the stuff. Naturally I set my portal to drop me off at the largest concentration it could find, and I managed to run slap-bang into your Joker.” He shuddered. “Let me tell you, speaking from the perspective of a former villain, that creature is scary.”
Batman’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, ‘former villain’?”
Discord waved a hand dismissively. “Long story. What’s important is that I’m on the side of the angels now. As I was saying, we were quite surprised to see each other, let me tell you. Myself more so I’m ashamed to admit, he recovered surprisingly quickly. He took one look at me, and started laughing.” Discord shuddered, and hugged himself as though attempting to chase away a chill. “Brrrrr! Never, in all my eons of existence, have I ever heard a laugh that sounded so wrong, and I should know being a former evil overlord and massive megalomaniac. Anyway, there I am, staring at this oddly colored hairless ape like I’d never seen crazy before, and he scampers past me and zoop! Right into the portal.”
Alfred stepped closer. “Forgive my interjection, but would the portal in question lead back to your, ahem, home dimension?”
Discord nodded, a worried frown creasing his lopsided brow. “That it does Jeeves, and I’ll be honest, I don’t want that Joker character loose on my world. The natives… well, I love their little harmony obsessed souls, but they do not respond well to chaos. And that clown? He gave off a serious chaotic vibe, and not in the fun way either.” Turning back to the brooding Batman, Discord swallowed hard. “I need to know. Who is the Joker?”
Batman didn’t answer immediately, instead turning to the Batcomputer and pulling a number of files with swift keystrokes. Mugshots, news clips, crime scene photos, all chronicling the career of the so called Clown Prince of Crime. As Discord examined the crime reports with an increasingly sick look on his face, Batman began speaking in a subdued monotone.
“The Joker, real name unknown. I first encountered him when he announced his intention to murder three prominent city officials. He then proceeded to attempt to poison the city’s water supply. I was able to stop him, but not before he killed over forty people. During the course of my investigation, I was able to link the Joker to another criminal, The Red Hood. While evidence is sketchy at best and contradictory at worst, it all seems to verify a similar story; the criminal who called himself The Red Hood led his gang on an attempted robbery at the Ace Chemical Plant. I responded to the police reports, and was able to subdue most of the gang, while the police rounded up the stragglers. I followed The Red Hood up onto a catwalk over the chemical vats, and attempted to apprehend him. Whether by mistake or design, he slipped over the railing into the chemicals below. My theory is that he was able to escape death by swimming through the drainage pipes and escaping into the river below the factory. The compounds had left their mark however, dying his hair and skin, and presumably driving him insane.”
Discord swallowed, turning away from a particularly gruesome crime scene report to look quizzically at the impassive crime-fighter. “Presumably?”
The Batman reached over, pulling up a new window of files. “While the Joker is a psychopath of the worst type, he possesses an intelligence that rivals any genius’. It has been theorized that the Joker only pretends to be insane so that he can escape judgment for his crimes. Regardless, he is violent, capricious, and utterly obsessed with proving that the rest of the world is as crazy as he is; that he simply has accepted the truth ahead of the rest of us.”
Shutting down the files, Batman turned his gaze on Discord’s pensive face. “You say the inhabitants of your world would be unable to handle the Joker. Why?”
The master of chaos pursed his lips, brow furrowed in exasperation. “Like I said before, they all worship harmony over there. Heavens knows, I’ve tried to condition them to chaos, and what thanks do I get? Turned into a pigeon poop receptacle for a thousand years without so much as a ‘by your leave’! Anyway, the point is that my world is disgustingly peaceful. The last major war was over a thousand years ago, murder is so rare as to be practically nonexistent, crime is confined to petty robbery and the like.”
Batman noticed the worried creases forming in Discords face. “I assume something has changed?”
Discord sighed, and nodded despondently. “There’s been some… disturbances in the veil that separates my dimension from the others, this one included. It’s all perfectly natural, happens every other century or so, but every time something manages to leak through. Remember how I said the last war was over a thousand years ago? Well, what slipped through the cracks that time tried to plunge the world into everlasting darkness, and kicked off a particular vicious but thankfully short-lived civil war.”
Once more, Alfred quietly interjected. “Are you saying that these cracks disturb the natural harmony of your world’s inhabitants?”
A snap of the fingers, and an enormous gold star was suddenly weighing down Alfred’s lapel.
“Bingo old-timer! I’m afraid your clown’s escape into my world and the subsequent rise in the crime rate is connected. Like I said, the last major disturbance in the force was a thousand years ago, and in the meantime the constabulary has had plenty of opportunity to grow fat and slow.”
Batman raised his hand. “Hold on, the Joker only escaped from Arkham a little over a week ago. It would take months before a rise in crime became apparent. Unless time passes at a different rate between our universes?”
“Got it in one!” Discord crowed triumphantly. “Oh, I knew you were the one I wanted! You clever little bat-person you!”
Batman stood silently for a moment. Stepping away from the computer station, he stared into the depths of the cave for a long moment. Finally, he nodded once, as though coming to a decision, and turned back to the other inhabitants of the cave.
“This friend of yours. You say her parents were murdered, and her sister kidnapped?”
Discord nodded in confirmation. “Right, and I’m afraid she’s going to get herself hurt trying to find the perpetrator. She’s usually quite capable of taking care of herself, and she has an excellent support base, but she is in way over her head. She needs someone who can assist her and her friends, who can train them in crime-fighting. When I left to get your help, she was already giving spandex a second look, and I know it won’t be long before she tries to go the cape and mask route.”
“And your world’s police? Are they truly that ineffectual?”
The chaos master squirmed uneasily. “Weeeellll, for the most part? Don’t get me wrong, there’s a few really good ones, but in the city where my friends are trying to find the murderer? The police might as well be working for the crooks at this point.”
He turned his pleading eyes upon the silent vigilante before him. “Once more, I ask, nay, beg you, to come with me. Help my friends. Find your Joker, help bring the murderer to justice, and find the missing child before it’s too late.”
The Dark Knight Detective stood in silent thought a moment more, and then turned to his butler. “Alfred, contact Nightwing. I don’t know how long I will be gone, and I need to know that my city is being protected by someone I trust.”
“At once sir. And shall I take the liberty of informing Robin and Batgirl as well?”
Batman nodded. “Do it.”
There was a snap, and Discord was suddenly sitting atop the Batcomputer, an ecstatic look on his face. “Do you mean it?! You’ll help?!”
Batman nodded. “I will. It’s imperative that I find the Joker, and I promise to help your friend, so long as it does not interfere with that objective.”
Discord leapt up, and stayed there, contorting his body into impossible shapes as he cackled his glee. “Ohhh excellent! Frabjous day, Callooh Callay! Enough lollygagging about, let us away!”
He raised his hand, fingers pressed together in preparation to snap. He paused to smirk down at the two men below him. “Oh, one more thing. The inhabitants of my world are a little… different. So there may be some changes to help you blend in. Ready?”
And without waiting for a reply, he snapped his fingers, and the world dissolved into a confusing mass of colors and swirls. Direction became meaningless, time less so. Strange phantoms shot past Batman’s disoriented gaze, sometimes indistinct, other times almost coalescing into alien landscapes and beings. Finally, the world righted itself with a flash of every color of the rainbow, and Batman began to look around to asses where he had landed. He blinked, as he realized he was still in the cave. Had Discord tricked him? Or had he finally succumbed to exhaustion and dreamed the entire encounter?
“Alfred? Are you alright?”
There was a rustle in the shadows beside the Batcomputer, and the voice of his oldest friend and guardian sounded out. “I am here, Master Bruce. Although, something… inexplicable has occurred.”
Batman squinted into the shadows. “What do you mean? What’s happened?”
“Well, you see, it is rather difficult to explain. Shall I simply show you?”
“Alright, but what could be so difficult to ex-…”
Alfred stepped out of the shadows; his hooves clacking on the stone of the cave floor, a flummoxed look on his face that might have been comical were the situation different.
Batman blinked slowly. “Alfred.”
“Sir?”
“You’re a pony. A unicorn pony.”
Alfred craned his head around to examine his new form. Chocolate brown fur covered him from stubby horn to swishing tail, which was streaked through with silver. A mark on his buttocks depicted a pair of white gloves imposed upon a shield, while he had somehow retained the upper half of his uniform. Finished with his inspection, Alfred turned a raised eyebrow back to his astonished employer.
“Excellent deduction sir, once more you prove yourself worthy of the title ‘world’s greatest detective’.”
