This is the journal of Rainbow Dash. A pegasus broken by a loss, but getting help with a little help from her friends.
The chaise lounge, the ever-present staple of any therapist’s office. The one in my office is an old one but a good one. I’ve seen countless ponies in that chair, and in a way, they’re a lot like that lounge chair, torn and beaten by the world, but still trudging on through life. With a little bit of work, I know they can patch up their seams and find a good place in the world.
I remember one in particular, a traumatized pegasus who had lost all color in her life. She’s since moved on now, but she did leave me a little memento: a diary.
Author's Note: This a cooperative story written by myself and my friend Kasurio. I write Rainbow Dash and he writes Sanguine Script, her therapist. This story takes place in an alternate universe that is shown by the first chapter. This universe will be very different from the original.
Please also note that Dash isn't mentally stable. In this story she has Manic Depression. I don't have Manic Depression but I did have a friend that suffered with it. I apologize if I do not write it the best or completely accurate. I truly am sorry.
"I bet you won't even get out of the gates, Rainbow CRASH!"
"Heh heh. Yeah, Rainbow CRASH!"
The little cyan filly growled as she stared forward through the gates at the cloud-based race track. While she was confident in her totally awesome flying skills, the two colts taunting her really got under her skin.
She tried to glare at them but she gasped in surprise. The two colts that she could swear were JUST THERE were gone. They were replaced with copies of herself. Rainbow mane and everything. They both smirked at her.
"Yeah! Ready to give up before you embarrass yourself?" taunted the Totally-Uncool Rainbow Clone.
Rainbow Dash stared at them with complete confusion. She shook her head, trying to clear it, and focused forward. After all, she had a race to win. No amount of...weird stuff was gonna stand in her way. Not while both her and Fluttershy's honor were on the line. No, this was not the day to lose.
The yellow pegasus stood on a cloud just outside the gate, holding the starting flag in her teeth. She seemed very uncomfortable. As if standing on that small cloud floating hundreds of meters above the ground was terrifying. She was kinda cute in a way.
Rainbow Dash shook her head again. This was not the time to think about that. Those feelings were distracting and icky. She focused really hard on the track, planning every maneuver down to the feather. Fly up, dive slightly, bank left, bank right, fly up, bank-
The waving flag snapped Rainbow Dash out of her thoughts. With a powerful flap, she and her clones shot past Fluttershy at amazing speeds.
Fluttershy leaned dramatically back and fell over the edge of her cloud. She screamed as the wind flew past her face. She tried to yell for help but the wind drowned out her words. Tears rapidly fell up from her eyes as she cried. In a moment of realization she opened her wings out from her side. They were immediately pushed back by the strong wind. She pushed as hard as she could with her wings but they didn't as much as twitch. Another stream of tears as the ground swiftly approached, fear flooding the filly. She flipped herself over in an attempt to call to somepony on the ground.
There was no pony in sight as she seemed to be falling towards a forest clearing. Animals darted about and turned their heads up to watch. Squirrels, bunnies, birds, and even the bees watched the falling filly in horror.
Fluttershy tried one last time to call out for help. This time calling for her mother and father as pure fear coursed through her. To her surprise a cloud began to form under her made out of butterflies.
She fell through the clouds, screaming as the butterflies were squished under her. Then there was a thump and the forest was silent.
Meanwhile Rainbow Dash built speed on top of speed as she flew. She felt like she was approaching a weird limit as she continued speeding up. Suddenly her vision was filled with rainbows as she broke the invisible sound barrier, achieving the legendary Sonic Rainboom.
Rainbow glided as she bled off speed rapidly. Once she had reached manageable speeds, she banked right and did a U-turn. She was so ready to rub it in those bullies' faces. Her eyes drifted to the rainbow ring that was traveling outwards from the Rainboom. She watched as the bottom half began colliding with the ground and disappearing.
That's when she saw it. A jarring yellow shape on a red background.
Rainbow Dash squinted hard at the shape to get more detail. Yellow with some pink and red. That shape it seemed very pony-like...very familiar. Then it hit her.
First of all, I apologize for writing in your diary. I'm only doing this so you can read this page again in the future.
While I'm happy that you took my advice to keep a diary, I wish you would have remembered the other suggestions I gave. Now, I am fully aware that the first entry was a nightmare as you told me during our last session but there are two improvements I would like to recommend to you. First, that you write a little more than just a dream. Give me a little context as to what I'm reading so I can give you proper advice. If I didn't know better then I might have thought of the entry as a short autobiographical story. Second, try to work out meaning. Write what you're thinking or express how things make you feel. You'll be surprised what you can learn about yourself that way.
The last thing I want to say is don't just stick to dreams. Writing can be a good way to work out a lot of things or to just review things in general. Don't be afraid to write. If you need, help don't be afraid to ask me. I am always here for you, Rainbow Dash.
I guess I should start writing now, since I don't have much else to do.
I don't know what to write about.
Doc said I should write out an introduction of myself. Which I think is stupid because I already know who I am and he knows me better than that. He had some kind of crazy egghead reason. Something about showing how well I know myself or how I think about myself. I think he mentioned Freud.
That's what therapists do, right? Talk about Freud all the time?
Whatever, I guess I'll do it his way.
My name is Rainbow Dash and I'm a grounded pegasus.
(Hello, Rainbow Dash.)
I've been flightless for all of my adult life. Not because I can't fly. I used to be the fastest flyer around, but because I choose not to fly. I just haven't been the same since...Fluttershy's passing.
One of my best friends died when we were fillies. It was tragic, stupid, and shouldn't have happened. Some stupid bucking colts were bullying poor Fluttershy and I couldn't just fly away from that! Before I knew it we were all lined up at the starting line of a pegasus racetrack. Stupid me told Fluttershy to stand on that small cloud and hold the flag. I knew she was a poor flyer. I knew she wasn't the strongest pony or good at balancing. I knew that cloud wasn't over the cloud layer. But I still told her to do it. I knew I shouldn't have made her but I STILL BUCKING PRESSURED HER! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN ANYPONY ELSE BUT I HAD TO MAKE HER!
Sorry. I needed to get some fresh air before it could write again. I actually went over to Quills and Sofas to...get more quills...I kinda smashed my last one into my desk over and over again. Turns out that makes a quill unusable. Who knew?
Anyway, to make a long story short, Fluttershy fell and I guess was unable to catch the wind under her wings in time. She didn't make it. The Doctor Doctor (Not like the Doc) said something like the force of the impact crushed most of her bones and organs. He said it happened so fast that she probably didn't feel it. I guess it's a good thing she was a pegasus, ya know? Hollow bones and all that. If she were an earth pony or unicorn she might have survived the fall for a while and suffered...I didn’t even see her fall...I...I didn’t hear her scream...for help...for me...
I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm gonna go watch Baking Bad and try to forget.
Baking Bad apparently comes on tomorrow night and Derpy won't let me have the remote. So I guess I'll try to write one more time before I desperately try to sleep.
I guess I can write about Derpy.
She's my housemate and co-worker. We met when I first came to Ponyville.
Leaves fell from trees of Ponyville as autumn was in full swing. I got off the train with mostly empty saddlebags on my back and butterflies fluttering in my stomach. As I left the station and entered the actual town, I was struck by how it felt both empty and sorta busy at the same time. Having just left Canterlot, I was used to the super dense streets filled with super busy ponies that ignored you as they ran right into you. Ponyville, though, had fewer ponies but they weren't just standing around. They all seemed to be doing something. Buying groceries, walking with friends, hauling carts possibly full of stuff to sell. Ponyville also just felt...friendlier. Even though I hadn't talked to anypony yet, I could tell by just looking at them that they were nice ponies. Not like those ponies in Canterlot.
While I was just standing there outside the train station watching ponies go by, something caught my eye. Something orange on the edge of my vision was moving towards me. Glancing over I saw that it was a mare that looked about my age. She had a blonde mane and tail that were tied up in someway. I couldn't tell you a style, I don't know anything about hair. She wore a hat that I had never seen in Cloudsdale or Canterlot.
"Howdy, stranger," she said with a thick accent, "You look lost. Need some help?"
She smiled warmly as she waited for a response. I didn't really know whether to trust her or not, but something about her face seemed to say that she was an honest pony.
"Um...yeah," I responded while rubbing the back of my neck, "I'm looking for somepony named Ditzy Doo. Do you know her?"
She grinned widely. I assumed that was a good thing and smiled back kinda awkwardly.
"'Course I know Miss Doo. She works at the post office. I can show ya the way, Miss...?"
"Dash. Rainbow Dash."
"Pleasure to meet ya, Rainbow Dash. I'm Applejack. Let's get going."
Then she trotted over to a big red stallion pulling a cart full of apples. Only then did I notice her cutie mark of three apples.
I decided it would be best to follow her since I really didn't know anything about Ponyville, especially where the post office was.
When I walked over to the cart, the unusually large stallion looked at me without moving a muscle in his face. He then moved his eyes to look at Applejack and raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, Big Mac," said Applejack to the huge stallion, "This here is Rainbow Dash. She's a mite lost and needs to get to the post office. I figured she could tag along since we were heading that way anyway. Is that alright?"
Big Mac looked forward once more and began pulling the cart.
"Eeyup," he replied in a deeper form of the same accent.
Then we started walking. Applejack greeted almost everypony she passed by name. It was very impressive to watch. Big Mac seemed to be dedicated to pulling the cart full of apples to its destination. It was a lot of apples. I think I got to 57 when I started trying to count them.
"We're apple farmers, in case you're curious," Applejack said, making me lose count, "Best darn apples this side of Equestria!...At least that's what most ponies say."
"Are they really that good?" I asked trying to ignore the urge to try one right then.
"I wouldn't sell ''em if they weren't."
"I'll be sure to try it later then. I gotta put these things to the test."
Just my luck that my stomach heard that and had excellent timing. It loudly rumbled. I couldn't afford breakfast before I left Canterlot and was kinda hungry at this point.
Applejack just smirked at me.
"Guess later just moved up to now, huh?"
I just shrugged and looked at the ground, trying to ignore the pain in my stomach.
I felt a hoof touch the bottom of my chin and pull my head up until I was face to face with Applejack.
"What's wrong, sugar cube?" she asked with concern.
This question caught me off guard. No pony besides my parents had ever been so caring as to ask if something was wrong, and here was a complete stranger that was concerned about me. Also her tone felt less like I was a stranger and like I was her best friend. It almost made me break down then and there, but I somehow managed to keep myself together.
I cleared my throat and began talking.
"I kinda wish I could buy an apple from you, Applejack, but all of my bits are kinda spoken for. The Canterlot post office is transferred me to Ponyville, and I needed my last paycheck for a train ticket and my first three months of rent at some sketchy apartment on the edge of town. I just need to get to Ditzy Doo and start working. The sooner I can get to work, the sooner I can earn some bits."
My head fell again. I tried to sigh as softly as I could. It had been a pretty shitty day, but I saw no reason that I should make this stranger feel any more sympathy for me.
Suddenly a red apple floated into my vision attached to an orange hoof. I looked up at Applejack who was still offering the apple with a smile.
"But...I don't-"
Before I could finish the sentence, the apple was thrust into my hooves. I looked from the shining apple to the beaming mare.
"It's on the house, sugarcube," Applejack said, nodding slightly, "Can't go lettin' our new mailmare go to work without lunch."
I was really moved by this random show of kindness. Let me say again that at this point we were STRANGERS. We had known each other for five minutes tops. Yet she had shown me more kindness in those five minutes than my coworkers had over the course of the past two years!
"Also," Applejack said before I could take a bite of the apple, "I've heard from a mighty reliable source that a Ms. Ditzy Doo MAY be looking to rent out a room for some extra bits. Apparently the last mare that roomed with her went off to go sell carrots in Trottingham, so she has a vacancy and asked if I knew anypony lookin' to rent. She's asking a lot less than those creepy places on the edge of town, and ain't anywhere near as sketchy. Ya know, if you want, I can put in a good word for ya. If you're interested that is."
It was at this point that I felt happier than I had ever felt before. Just the combination of relief, joy, and friendship washed over in a way that was totally awesome. It in no way led to me hugging Applejack and crying. That would be SO uncool.
So anyway, to make a long story short, we met up with Ditzy Doo and she was totally cool with me moving in. I made two really great friends that day that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Maybe I'll write tomorrow about Derpy, but not tonight because my jaw is killing me from all this writing. Thanks Doc for suggesting I write this journal (It's not a diary!), it has been really nice to think about things like coming to Ponyville.
Ms. Dash,
It’s good to see you writing about your past experiences. Like reading a book over again, looking back at your memories can help you realize things that you didn’t notice about it before, including about yourself right now. I can help point out one for you: it was when you wrote “It was at this point that I felt happier than I had ever felt before...It in no way led to me hugging Applejack and crying. That would be SO uncool.”
You felt joy at a gesture of friendship, something as simple as giving an apple. But at the same time, you said you avoided hugging her. Now, whether that was true or just you “playing it off as cool”, you still denied it to yourself. Maybe the years of distancing yourself from others made you uncomfortable with being so close. I encourage you not to push those friendly faces away, and in fact reach out to them. Friends can be a comforting light in a cold darkness, and they’ll be there for you when you need them. And, of course, I will always be here if you need me, Rainbow Dash.
Hey, Doc, to be completely honest with you...I did hug Applejack and cry in that story.
It's just...I don't know. I feel like I need to be tough and not let things get to me. I guess being raised with two older brothers does that. I feel like I have more in common with stallions than most mares. Especially that seamstress. Rarity, I think. Have you seen the size of those hats?
I don't know why I'm telling you this, Doc, since you already know the long and short of it. I guess I'm just talking to myself...er...writing. I guess I'm talking in my head and just writing it down at the same time. My Creative Writing professor at Canterlot University had a term for it. Let me check my old notes. One sec.
Stream of Consciousness! Good thing I took that class before I dropped out of school or my writing would suck. But, yeah, stream of consciousness or writing how you think. I like writing like that. I don't have to worry about thesis statements or references. Hell, I could have a whole sentence that is just the word 'awesome.'
Awesome awesome, awesome awesome awesome.
...that word sounds weird now.
Anyway, I think I'm gonna write about Derpy this time. I feel like I really should since last time I said I was going to and I wrote a story about Applejack.
Derpy is really nice and slightly clumsy. It's actually why she's called Derpy. Her actual name is Ditzy Doo, but she earned the nickname Derpy Hooves from her parents after she dropped everything she held for the first three years of her life. The name apparently stuck and now she finds it weirder when somepony calls her Ditzy.
We initially met over mail, which is kinda funny. She took part in something called Helping Hoof which was a kind of pen pal service for those that are really depressed or suicidal. My previous therapist over in Canterlot signed me up for it when I was going through a really rough patch. I was assigned "An Anonymous Ponyville Citizen," and that's all I knew. The first few letters were really boring. I learned that I was writing to a pegasus mare that worked for the post office but no name. All that introductory crap. But one day when I felt terrible with an extra order of shitty, I wrote a very emotional letter talking about what happened with Fluttershy and how I felt it was my fault. It ended up being a very long letter and my word choice was pretty shitty. I sent it before I lost my nerve or had second thoughts. I spent the whole day and into the next agonizing over it. I kept thinking up scenarios where she would talk to Helping Hoof to get a replacement because I was being too whiny, or that she would call me a murderer and call the guard on me. During the afternoon I got a reply. The exact content of the letter is very personal and I still treasure it. It was very uplifting and made me feel like I really mattered. I hope you don't mind, Doc, but I'm gonna keep the letter to myself. Anyway, I never found out Derpy was my pen pal until I first met her and she hugged me after learning my name. Apparently she had a hoof in arranging my transfer because she really wanted to meet me. I was supposed to be sent to Neigh Orleans but she swapped me with somepony being sent to Ponyville.
Anyway, back to talking about Derpy as a pony. I think the reason she's so clumsy is because of her eye. One of her eyes kinda...wanders. Like, her right eye will look right at you and the left eye will look at a squirrel outside. Apparently, it doesn't bother her but Dinky seems really sensitive about it.
Oh shit! I completely forgot about Dinky!
When I moved in with Derpy, she already had a foal named Dinky. Little unicorn filly that's a shade of purple. She's a pretty awesome little filly, super smart and quiet.
It took me a while (and a few cups of cider) to get Derpy to talk about the father. She said it was some earth pony that was a doctor. They used to travel together and kinda had a thing going. After that the drink must have hit Derpy kinda hard because she started to talk about a bunch of sci-fi mumbo jumbo. It took me a while to get her back to reality. I asked if they were still together and it took her another cup before she answered. Apparently after Derpy found out she was pregnant she left this doctor pony. She told him that she couldn't raise a foal with all the traveling they did but she couldn't ask him to stop doing what he loved.
For some reason this made me feel oddly happy, even though I should have felt bad. I blame the cider.
After Derpy told me all that, she got very sad and quiet. I did my best to comfort her and we kind maybe did certain things nothing else. Absolutely nothing happened after that. NOTHING. If you ask Derpy, I will deny everything.
Anyway, back to Dinky.
Dinky is insanely smart. Like it's a little scary how smart she is. I've had to go to parent-teacher conferences in place of Derpy (which was weird), and her teacher has said that the only thing keeping Dinky from attending college is her age.
Apparently her teacher, Cheerilee, noticed that she was getting perfect marks and thought she was cheating. So she gave her a different test from the rest of the class and she still got perfect marks! Like how sweet is that? But it gets better. Cheerilee wanted to see exactly how smart Dinky was, so she gave Dinky a harder test and she totally aced it! This surprised her, so she kept doing it. Eventually giving Dinky questions about stuff that she wouldn't have learned in class. When Dinky passed that, Cheerilee sat down the filly and talked with her.
Apparently after school Dinky had been going to the Golden Oaks Library to just read. I always thought she went out to play with friends, but according to that old librarian Dusty Tomes she's been reading about microbiology. I didn't even know they made biology in micro form! It must be really hard to read. Derpy says that she gets her smarts from her dad. She says he was like super duper smart.
So anyway, Cheerilee told Derpy that she was going to go to Canterlot at the end of the school year to see if Princess Celestia would be willing to let her into her School for Gifted Unicorns on just her smarts alone.
So yeah, Dinky is a super smarty flank.
She also calls me Auntie Dash, which makes me feel kinda weird. Like, I'm not related Derpy in any way, but Dinky thinks of me like her aunt. Not just her aunt, her FAVORITE aunt. Like her other aunt is just Aunt Daring but I'm Aunt-IE Dash...I don't know why I feel pride in that. I feel like that's wrong in some way, feeling good for being the favorite aunt over the ACTUAL aunt that she's related to.
Anyway, I really care about that kid. I almost feel like I AM her actual aunt. I've watched her grow from a foal to the filly she is today. It's not just that but when she accomplishes something I feel proud of her. I'm not sure if that's weird, Doc. Seems like something Freud would talk about, right? I don't actually know, but I've seen a lot of mind doctors and they love talking about Freud. Maybe he can explain this.
Heh...I actually waited for you to say something, as if you were really here and I wasn't just writing in a diary JOURNAL! Ignore that scratched out word. I didn't write diary by accident. Honest!
Anyway, I really do care about Dinky. She's really helped me get through some of the tougher days. She just knows how to lift my spirits, even if just a little, making the world a little less crappy. I'm not sure where I would be without that filly, or Derpy for that matter. They are both so kind and caring for no good reason. I feel like I could never do enough to show my appreciation. I love them so much.
But not like that, Doc. Especially not Derpy. Nope, not at all. Totally not. Derpy isn't awesome enough for me to like...like that.
...Um...I don’t feel like writing about Derpy anymore. It’s making me feel...funny. I think I’m just gonna drop this by your office now. See you next Tuesday, Doc.
Ms. Dash,
I’m glad to hear about the “stream of consciousness” style of writing - it helps me to understand how you’re really feeling as you write it more than a refined, edited entry could. And not only for me, but for you as well. The next time you write, try reading the last entry again and reflecting on it, and let me know if you find something there. Self-discovery is an important part of growing, not just as a teenager like so many ponies say, but throughout your whole life. I’m here, not to discover them for you, but to point you in the right direction and show you how to find them yourself.
Things you don’t really think about can actually show a lot about yourself if you look a little deeper, like the pride you felt for Dinky. Maybe that approval that you’re giving her was something you looked for from family or friends, since it sounds like you were quite the competitive filly. Thinking about why you react to certain things is a great way to help you better understand yourself, and understanding yourself helps you to be a better you.
And one more thing - don’t worry about me prying into your life. I may encourage you to share certain things with me or to be more open, but in the end, I’ll only hear what you want me to hear, and I’ll let you decide if and when you want to tell me about these things.
