Trudging the Same Path
The whiteness falls so softly... But how can it bring so much pain and aching?
________________________________________________________________
The snow crumbles below my feet, the ear piercing crunch that is heard from the flakes clumping together around my hooves is close to driving me mad. I wish it wasn't so painfully quiet out. Sounds of absolute nothing echoed through the woods, and I wanted to just yell to make it all stop; to just break this haunting silence. The scarf around my neck was the only thing that keeps me warm. The wind blows harder, the trees echoing through the woods as it blows to no end. Stopping in my tracks, my nostrils are filled with that saddening scent.
"It still smells like you, baby..." I say to nobody, hoping that she is heard, but is nowhere around.
My eyes well up with tears, freezing my face as they drop into the snow. My rump hits the snow hard, sitting down to take a look around, hoping that nobody is around to see. They would see my dark-gold fur peppered in snow, and my long red hair down my neck. Standing up again I decide I have to get there... I have to make it back just to make it through the season. Children and voices can be heard now, causing my ears to perk up. The pond has frozen and was full of children and parents skating on the thick ice. I take a seat again, to get a better view of where we used to swim, and where our first kiss was. Laughing under my breath, I remember to this day how it all came to be.
Her fur was wet and slick, her hair draped over her loving face. I would do my best to keep up with her, yet she was too fast for me to keep up her pace. We had been dating for days now, and I knew she was getting anxious for our first embrace. She told me that her leg was cramping, so we swam back. I still laugh for falling for that lie, considering that she had stretched for half an hour before the swim in the cool summer's water. I was led to a tree, which I always look at when I pass now-a-days. I was quick with no warning, for her soft, unforgettable lips came in contact with mine. I still get shivers from recalling such a moment.
Years have passed from that single moment, and here I am, trudging through the deep snow. I know where I am going, but I never know exactly why I keep walking. Each walk seems to take longer because my brain keeps forcing memories back in, not giving me a chance just to rush. It's like my body is being tugged by leach that is tied to my destination. Deep breaths are what fill my lungs, each memory that passes by.
Back home is where this one takes me, where our home village is. Our first Christmas was spent there, and three more after that before she was gone. She fed me her home cooked meals, not that great of flavor but I would never tell her. I would smile and lick my lips, nodding to her when she asked about the taste. I could never lie to that girl, I would never do anything to hurt my love, but she had to be taken away. Somehow fate thought it was set in stone for her to be taken from my life. This is why I hate the snow. I hate the happy memories that will never happen again, and I force myself to keep breathing through the day instead of breaking down. Not again.
I remember a week passed when my love was stripped from my life. My heart was beating harder in my chest as the rope was snug. The cold room was only lit by the moon outside. My body was facing the window as I looked out, tears in my eyes as I plan my sadness to end. I almost smiled when I stood one hoof off the stool. I swore I heard her soft breathing in the room as I closed my eyes, gripping what she had left me in my right hoof. Wood creaked and crackled as I leaned my weight over the stool, my heart bounding as I feel it finally topple out from under me. To this day, I still never know what happened. My eyes were closed, but the right side of my body was freezing cold. The grip around my neck was nonexistent, like it never happened. I open one eye, finding myself on the floor, facing my bed and able to see under it.
I lost it that night. Crying on the floor as if fate had saved me, as if someone laid me there in the perfect spot just to see that scarf that I must have missed. The blue fabric was visible under my bed. I could do nothing but cuddle that cloth when I pulled it from under the bed. I cried for hours, painfully keeping silent as tears streamed down my tense face. Her scent filled my nose, as if she was in the bed next to me when I got to it. I would have tried again if it wasn't for that scarf. Thinking back on that moment, I knew it was not worth losing my life over. I smiled the rest of that week, thinking better thoughts as I trot around town in her scarf during the fall.
Finally, I see the road spit off, yet the path was coated with snow, making it hard to stay on. If I hadn't been down this path every month, I would never be able to keep track of how to get there and back to the road. My hoofs lift higher, a smile growing on my face as I pick up the speed. I nearly end up running each time I get to that ridge. Reaching the top, I am greeted by that warm sunlight. It feels so much more like summer for some reason. The wind feels warmer on my frozen fur from the heated warmth of the sun. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, sitting down and taking that folded note out of her scarf. I unfold it with my hooves and teeth, working it gently to read the words written in ink.
"My love, Estival,
I hurts to see you in so much pain knowing what is happening to me... I know how you must be feeling right now, because I have felt the same. I even feel the same right now writing this letter to you. You must keep hold of yourself when I am gone, because I know just how strong you are. You are strong enough to pick me up when I am down, and you are more than capable to handle my leaving... If only I could put my amount of love to you in words. This paper would be longer than a dictionary if I could write it all. Sadly, I don't have the time to write such a letter.
Please know that I am leaving you for our own good... I can't stay here knowing what is happening back home. The complications of my family will take years to resolve, and I would love to take you with me. But it would be better if we had a break for a few months. I will return when I feel it is right. You mustn't miss me while I am gone, baby... I would give you a kiss and a hug, but sadly I must leave this letter while you are sleeping.
Goodbye my love. We may meet again, but please don't wait up.
-Ardent Breeze"
"It has been years instead of months..." I whisper to the wind, "You left me... You ended this with a lie... After all I have given, you weren't strong enough to tear me to pieces. I came to say goodbye, so..." I choke on my own words. "So you will stop haunting every moment of my life!"
Her only words I have on paper crumbled in my hooves before I toss it off the cliff. I felt my heart leap into my throat, as if it were going to retrieve that letter alone. I watch it fly off from the wind's strength. My front hooves collapse, the frozen body I call my own now weak from regret and heartbreak. "Goodbye." I mutter.
"But I just got here..." A voice echoes, my ears perking as branches break behind me. I look back to see her.
To see her crying, frosty face.