Watch Celestia enjoy some quality, peaceful time with her marefriend Twilight Sparkle. Watch as that doesn't happen. Watch as shenanigans, romantic hi-jinks, and other crazy things happen around Celestia. Watch as Celestia doesn't sweat the
Celestia almost believed that her marefriend's visit was going to be relaxing and more importantly uneventful.
"Almost" being the keyword.
From romantic hijinks to politics to other insane happenings this visit is going to be a tad bit scrazy.
But that's okay, because Celestia doesn't sweat the small stuff.
12/15/14: (Just edited 3rd chapter. Sorry about the grammar, I need to stop writing when I'm tired. Let me know if there are more problems)
"IT'S OVER!! THIS IS IT!!! LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS ENDS TODAY!!!"
5 minutes.
That was how long ago since I, Princess Celestia, Diarch of Equestria, The Noon Sun, The.....Something-Other-Title-I-Will-Not-Even-Bother-Trying-To-Remember-Now, standing on the balcony of my room, raised the sun on the first day of my stay-cation.
A small period of time, that I had to plan months in advance, to just spend some quality with my beautiful marefriend, Twilight Sparkle, who has also managed wring out a few precious vacation days as well from her busy schedule. Just spending some quality time together without any sort of distract---
"OH CELESTIA, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US?!?!?"
-ions. Yeah, like that. That sounds like the minster of finance, Number Muncher. I'd be worried if I didn't know this wasn't because he made some basic math error for the umpteenth time. I have told him at least hundred times to make sure his brother, Cruncher, checks his work. He could-
"CELESTIA!!! FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, LET ME THROUGH TO SEE HER, YOU FOALS!!. WE HAVE NATIONAL CRISIS ON OUR HOOVES!!!"
...Sigh. Let me go ahead and take care of this before he wakes up the entire castle. I put on my game face and use my magic to open the door to see a brown unicorn stallion with messy black mane being accosted by my guards. I motion to the guards to let him through and he stumbles in. Before he starts his tirade, I raise a hoof to stop him and say, "Good morning, Number Muncher, what don't you go ahead tell me why the end of days has come today?", making sure he only hears my well rehearsed motherly tones instead of my irritation from his migraine inducing screams.
As he starts to talk, I immediately tune him out and start to daydream. I just need to nod at the right places and he'll eventually figure out his mistake for himself. If there is one thing that I have learned over my long life ruling over my little ponies is this: Don't Sweat The Small Stuff. Things have a way to work themselves out in this kingdom. Be it from either good luck or me seeing signs of trouble on the horizon and taking action before it even becomes a problem. Everything else is just small potatoes. Nothing that really requires my intervention beyond a little direction here and there.
The downside is that my presence is constantly required for things to go smoothly. I learned that the hard way 600 years ago. I took one day to have for myself to just stay in my room, doing no other work than to raise the sun. By the evening when I go to lower the sun, I go on the balcony and see anarchy, chaos and some weird clown pony asking everypony around him, "Why So Serious?". Thankfully my little ponies have grown up since then and I can relax a little bit. Even more so now that I have my sister back, Cadence and Shining Armour are running the Crystal Empire, and my wonderful student-turned-princess/marefriend is coming into her own.
Twilight Sparkle, I knew she had potential but even I never thought that she could go this far. Seeing her grow from an eager young filly into a fine, if a bit tightly wound, mare has been a true joy and a privilege without compare. And when I discovered that my steadily growing feelings for her where not one-sided...I never thought I could experience any happiness that equaled to being reunited with my sister.
I was still trying to work up the courage to confess to her when she came to me in my room one lovely night. I was just about to turn in and get some sleep when I saw her land on the balcony. She said Spike had threatened to burn one of her favorite text books if she didn't convey her feelings to me that very night. I learned later from Spike that he had gotten fed up with constantly walking in on Twilight while she was...well...thinking of me.
While shouting my name.
And holding a picture of me with her hooves.
And using her magic to manipulate a rather large object that, according to Spike, she claims she "accidentally ordered it from a catalog and hasn't gotten around to returning it."
I made sure to slip Spike a couple of diamonds for his trouble.
Anyway, she confessed to me and I to her. We laughed, we cried, we kissed....and we kissed... and we kissed...then I started to move my hoof down to her-.
"Princess, are you alright?"
Crap. Thinking about that night always breaks my game face. I regain my composure and say, "I am alright, Number Muncher. But am afraid that I have other things to attend to so I'll just point out that you you should have multiplied by three instead of dividing by six in that last column there. Fix it and all should be well, have a good day."
I use my magic to gently carry a stunned Muncher out of my room. After he stumbles away, I turn to my guard, "Where is my sister? Luna promised me that she would handle all state affairs for the week."
The guard saluted and replied, "I am not sure where she is, your majesty. But I did hear that Princess Twilight arrived late last night if you want to see her. I believe she is in the VIP guest quarters since her old room was being renovated."
"She's here? Wonderful! I shall..." I pause, processing everything he just said. "Renovated? Who gave the order to for her room to be renovated, Sir..?"
The unicorn guard saluted. "Eagle Vision, your majesty, just got assigned here today. And I don't know who gave order ma'am."
Huh, that's weird. "Well thank you anyway and welcome to the castle." I turn and make my way to where the guest room is. I lift my hoof to knock when I see blue flash to m-
"CELESTIA! DEAR SISTER! HOW ART THOU TODAY?!?!"
Partially deaf in my right ear now, I turn to look at my sister who had a big grin on her face. "Oh ,good morning Luna."
"GOOD MORNING, DEAR SISTER! WHAT IS THOU DOING HERE IN FRONT OF THE GUEST ROOM WHERE THINE MAREFRIEND, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, IS SLEEPING?" Luna bellows using the Royal Canterlot Voice.
Rubbing my ear I say, "First of all, Luna, please turn down the R.C.V. It is too early in morning for that and you REALLY need to stop doing that at point blank range." I ease up when I notice an apologetic look appearing her face. I nuzzle her and say, "It's okay Luna, I know it was an..." I stop as I realize something. I raise my head and ask, "How did you know that Twilight Sparkle was here?
Luna put the big grin back as she shifted her eyes left and right. 'Well...she came in last night...and since we were still up, we greeted her."
As I process her response I study my younger sister. She was wearing her usual regalia, but it looked like it was put on in haste. Her wings were closed at her side pretty tightly and the stars in her mane seemed a little dim.
My "Little Sister Is Up To Something" alarm was going off in my head. "Is there something you wish to tell me, dear sister?"
Luna gulped loudly and started to break out in a cold sweat. "Of course not, Tia. We were just on our way here to see TWILIGHT SPARKLE! We wanted to join you and TWILIGHT SPARKLE for breakfast. We realize we normally don't eat this early. But we wanted to spend time with TWILIGHT SPARKLE in the morning as well"
Before I can question why she keeps yelling out Twilight's name, I hear the door open. I turn to see a young, beautiful lavender unicorn coming out. "Good morning, Luna, how are...." She trails off as she notices me. "Pr-Princess Celestia!? I didn't know you would be coming to see me this early, I would've dolled up some more for you." She blushes as she tries to hide her face.
I smile as I see the epitome of cuteness that was my lover. "No need for that, my love." I let my voice grow heavy as I start to slowly circle around her, taking everything in. "Every time I see you, I have to hold myself back." I mean just look at her, the beauty and intelligence that radiates from her face. Those shimmering violet eyes. And that flank. . .
Wait.
I stop circling as I look at her flank again. Luna notices my quizzical look and asks, "Is something wrong, dearest Tia?"
I shift my eyes to Luna, where the big you-know-what-eating grin was back.
I then look towards Twilight's face, where I saw cold sweat beginning to form.
I then return my gaze back to the flank in question and stealthily preform a quick spell that reveals to me. . .Oh!
Well, this is interesting. Very interesting.
I let a smile form on my face. "Nothing is wrong, Luna. I guess I let myself get to engrossed in observing this lavender work of art."
I am surprised that blush Twilight got didn't make her whole body red. "Oh, Princess. . ."
Luna visibly relaxes and interjects, "Well, now that our sister's carnal lust has been sated, let us be off to breakfast." Luna turns and starts to trot off to the dining hall.
Twilight shakes her head. "Well, ahhhh we should probably get...something...to...eat...too." Twilight backs away and quickly does a 180 and follows Luna's trail.
I chuckle to myself. I mean, I have to. The look on Luna's face was hilarious. And since there is no way Luna could have done something like this on her own with out it falling apart from the get go, I know the true mastermind behind this little situation.
And I'm betting the real Twilight is none too happy with that pony right now.
But no matter. I'll play along. I really wanted to spend this time with Twilight but this is just too delicious to pass up. And since I know Twilight well be kept safe wherever she is. And since there are no riots in the streets, dragons attacking, or whatever evil asinine thing coming up and giving me grief. I have nothing to worry about. Everything else is small stuff.
She doesn't suspect a thing! The impostor has fooled our sister quite expertly. It seems she has learned nothing from our niece's wedding.
Which...actually kind of bothers us. What if another infiltrator were to breach our castle's defenses? Well, we do have those spells Twilight developed so we should be good.
Princess Twilight Sparkle. Despite thy unwillingness to cooperate, thou has the thanks of Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria,...wait a minute.
That's our ONLY title!! This is an outrage!! Why does our sister have, like, fifty titles while we have only one?! This is bullshi-
"Luna!"
I turn around in the hallway and see Twilight Sparkle standing behind me. "Twilight! how did you get-"
A flash of light momentarily blinds us. When we regain our sight we discover we are in our bedchambers.
"Luna, you almost blew my cover!" The Twilight impostor had very angry look on her face.
Realizing our blunder, I apologize "Forgive me, Fakelight, but we were reminiscing on our situation and we thought you were the real deal, having escaped from our clever trap after cruelly rejecting our heartfelt plea."
Fakelight put thine hoof to her face. "First of all, of course she would say no when you say, 'Princess Twilight, would you mind letting our friend here disguise herself as you so she can steal Celestia for herself with her superior lovemaking skills.' "
I frowned. "Wasn't that your intention all along?"
"No, it wasn't! That was never my intention!"
I shrug, "Oh well, at least my brilliant backup plan worked."
Now I believe that look upon Fakelight's face is referred to as 'deadpan' "You mean the genius plan where you yelled 'Smoke Bomb!' really loud..."
I smiled. "A clever trick to startle her."
"...clocked her with a lead pipe..."
"She's an alicorn now. Blows like that are nothing to us."
"...and stuffed her unconscious body in a burlap sack..."
"How else were we going to get her to the rendezvous spot without anypony noticing?"
"...in front of Spike?"
"Well...he's a dragon so he doesn't count. Besides we grabbed him too for safe measure. Honestly, Fakelight, this isn't our first rodeo and they are still at the crystal castle."
I notice that Fakelight's right eye is twitching. "And what's with you calling me 'Fakelight'? "
I smile while explaining my stroke of genius. "It is the ingenious code name we have decided to knight thee with for the duration of the plan. As you are the impostor Twilight, I shall call thee 'Fakelight' "
I must inquire later about this 'facehooffing' that seems to be so popular these days. "Let's just go back down to the dining hall before Celestia notices that we're missing." She starts to charge her teleportation spell but I hold up my hoof.
"Stay thy horn, Fakelight. We desire more clarity upon thine future actions."
Fakelight looked very puzzled for some reason. "What?"
I heave a sigh in frustration. Sometimes this modern vernacular can be a pain in our arse. "Hold on, Fakelight. What's your plan?"
Fakelight put a vexed look her face. "My plan?"
Annoyed at having to state the obvious, we respond, 'Yes, thine plan to steal our sister's heart from Twilight."
Fakelight averted her gaze. "I am not trying to steal Celestia away from Twilight, I just wanted to spend some time with her as Twilight. I wanted to see want it was like to have Celestia as a marefriend." Fakelight raised her head to meet our gaze. "Do you know the term, 'It's better to have loved then lost than never have loved at all'?"
"That term dates back to my time period, so yes."
Fakelight nodded, "I have been in love with Celestia for the longest time. She was the ideal mare that I pushed myself to be worthy of. I know our last encounter didn't end on a high note. But my feelings have never changed. They may have gotten...warped over the years, but I have always loved her. I know that she is beyond my grasp because she is with Twilight now. But I have to know what being loved by her is really like. This feeling been inside me for so long that if I don't let it out it may fester inside me again. If I am able to let my feelings out, I would be willing to apologize to and face the consequences of my actions."
I see tears have started to form in Fakelight's eyes. "Wipe thy tears from thine eyes, Fakelight. We know all too well the importance of not burying such strong feelings, lest they fester and rot into something horrible." Our head drops low as we remember the cost of that particular lesson. But we quickly shake it off and raise our head high. We need to support her. "That is why we shall aid you in this endeavor to experience love with our sister. After that, we shall release Twilight from wherever the others have her and confess our sins to Tia."
Fakelight gives us small smile and embraces us. "Thank you Luna, you have no idea how much this means to me."
We return her warm embrace. "Tis nothing, Fakelight. Now let us be off to the dining hall where your love awaits."
We break apart and head out the door...right into the smiling face of our sister.
It's moments like these that we are thankful for the alicorn's legendary sphincter control.
Our sister continued smiling. "There you two are! Come on, breakfast is waiting."
Fakelight seemed vexed. "Did you just get here, Celestia?"
Our sister nodded. "Oh yes, I waited for you in the dining room, but when you two didn't arrive, I decided to search for you two and finally found you here. Now come along now" She began to walk down the hall.
We exchanged looks with Fakelight, who seemed relived that we weren't discovered and followed our sister.
Huzzah! the plan is still on! Our sister didn't hear a thing.
******
Of course, I heard everything. I know I shouldn't pierce the soundproof spell she has on her room to eavesdrop on her, but like I said this situation is too hilarous to pass up.
That was before I heard everything.
It can be lonely at the top. Ponies putting you on a pedestal, worshiping your existence, and taking every thing you say as gospel.
That's why I am so thankful for Twilight. It took some doing put she finally has let me step down from that pedestal and stand by her side. I can show her my faults and weaknesses without worrying about shattering whatever holy image she has of me in her mind. Because it's not there anymore. Well...it props up from time to time but for the most part she has gotten better about it.
I see Fakelight...snicker...coming up next to me and I wrap my wing around her. She looks at me with surprise and I just smile and watch her melt. I'll play along for now and see where this goes.
Also hearing all that confirmed my suspicions on who is the brains behind this scheme.
I hope she didn't plan on staying anonymous about this forever. Because if she did, she really should have covered her tracks better.
I mean the romance dripping off of this situation would flood the castle.
After a nice breakfast with Luna and Fakelight...snicker. Luna departed to attend to the royal duties for the day. Which left me and Fakelight here all alone.
My "stay-cation" basically means that I am officially off duty while Luna will run the day-to-day affairs for the next week. I made it very clear to my staff that unless the world is ending, I was not to be disturbed.
So basically I could bang Twilight all day and not have to worry about being disturbed. Sweet.
But unfortunately this isn't Twilight, but the impostor. So what to do?
First, I need to check on something. I turn to Fakelight, "We had some new materials come into the library since your last visit. Why don't you wait for me there and I'll catch up." Fakelight perked up instantly, "Really!?!? I hope they have Prof. Calypso's new dissertation on modern magical mechanics!" She makes the cutest 'sqee' face and teleports out of here.
I smile, "Some things never change. Alright time to check in on Spike and Twilight."
I close my eyes and use my magic to form a link to Spike.
Spike, like everypony knows, can send messages to me through his dragonfire. What ponies don't know, not even Twilight, is that I can form a link to Spike's mind and speak to him telepathically. It's sort of an emergency last-resort communication line that allows me to communicate with Spike without using his fire. I established it with Spike sometime after Twilight moved to Ponyville. I only use it for the occasional update direct from Spike and in case of emergencies. Like when Discord got loose and I contacted Spike for a situation update. That's how I knew sending those friendship reports back to Twilight would help her get back on track.
Though he was a bit upset with me when I sent them all at once. I made sure to send him some Pepto Bismal afterwards.
This link is not without it's bugs however. It's range is limited from here in my castle in Canterlot to downtown Ponyville and the link can only be brought up on my end. And the magic coming off of the Everfree Forest can screw with the signal. Which is why I couldn't contact Spike when Discord's damn vines had me tied up.
Note to self: Punch Discord in the face.
So I establish the link and send Spike a pulse letting him know I need to talk. When I feel him respond and I begin speaking, "Spike, can you hear me?"
"Loud and clear, Tia"
"First off, is Twilight alright? I heard my sister mention a lead pipe"
"Yeah, she's fine and, surprisingly, she is not as panicked as you would think."
I couldn't believe it. "Really? She's not panicking?"
"Well, she did panic a little bit earlier after she woke up. Then she realized we were still in the castle. She's also got some sort of super magic inhibitor on her horn."
I smile, Well, if I already didn't know who was the mastermind behind this whole thing, that right there proves it."
"Oh, you know already?"
"I've already figured out who it is. Obviously, Fakelight went to go to see this individual first before doing anything."
"Really? what makes you say that?"
"Luna, my sister would never be apart of a plan that would involve hurting me or her friends."
"True enough, but that still doesn't explain what are you going to do about this. Because Twilight may not be panicking, but she is upset about this. She was really looking forward to spending some alone time with you."
I sigh. "I realize this and-"
"Is this a game to you, Tia?"
His question almost makes me lose the concentration for the spell. "What?!"
"Look, I know your practically immortal or as close as can be and Twilight is now too. So I understand if you or Luna need to pull some pranks to let off a little steam now and then. I know it must get stressful dealing with those idiot nobles all the time. But if what you have with Twilight is just a game to you..."
"Spike, please, stop."
Our connection grows silent for several moments before I speak again.
"Spike, I love Twilight. She completes the parts of me that I never knew were missing. A power much higher than I brought this wonderful, perfect pony into my kingdom and, even better, into my life. Her beauty, intelligence, and raw talent are an inspiration to not only to my little ponies, but myself as well. She idolizes and loves me despite having seen me at my lowest moments. For her to give her heart to me is an honor and a privilege that I don't deserve. "
"Spike, I will never hurt Twilight. I will go along for now and but I will nip this in the bud later in the evening and be direct with the impostor. I owe her at least that much."
After a few moments, "That's all I wanted to hear, Tia. I'll go ahead and get Twilight to relax a bit and somehow tell her this will be all over soon. Without telling her about the connection of course."
"Of course, see you later, Spike"
"Later-Oh wait! One last thing, you do know Twilight is going to go after Luna after all this is over, right?"
I pause for a moment "I have told Luna time and time again she needs to think her actions through before doing them. I have tried to gently remind her of this valuable lesson but she keeps ignoring me. And I will admit, even my patience is a little thin at this point. So it is time for a more aggressive method of education to be implemented by none other than Twilight herself. She will help Luna learn this important life lesson. And you and I will be there as well. We well have the honor and privilege of watching Luna transform into a better pony by Twilight's loving hooves."
There was brief pause, then Spike said, "So in other words, you're pissed off at Luna for clubbing Twilight. And you and me are going to watch Twilight curb stomp Luna when she gets out?"
"Exactly, take care now, Spike."
I cut off the connection and make my way towards the library. Despite being getting a little heavy there it was good talking to Spike. It's nice to have friends who can keep you honest. But that aside, I'll go ahead and give Fakelight the day and end this. And then I'll have the rest of the week with Twilight.
Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Meanwhile in Canterlot...
"Is this law still valid?!"
"Yes, it is Princess Luna, and the sooner Celestia is informed about this, the better."
"How can this be? We thought our sister had this law repealed?"
"It was, but then you signed it back into law just 15 minutes ago. Surely you weren't zoning out while signing these important documents were you?"
"Of course not, such a thing would never happen while your Princess of the Night is on duty!"
"Excellent, shall we inform Princess Celestia the good news?"
"Oh she..ah...she won't be in until this evening. We will...inform her of the situation then."
"Very well, have good day, your majesty." The unicorn turns and walks out the throne room.
Leaving me to contemplate exactly how fucked I'll be when my sister hears this.
Meanwhile in a uptown suburb in Canterlot...
"Honey!"
"Yes dear?"
"Twilight is currently staying at the castle for the week."
"Really? Guess we know what were doing tomorrow."
"Exactly, if that alabaster hussy thinks she can hog our daughter the whole week, she has another thing coming."
"Right you are, Velvet. Right you are."
At the same time in Ponyville...
A small dragon knocked on the communication crystal the mastermind had given him. After couple taps, the crystal flashed and projected a hologram of said mastermind and its cohort.
"Hey you guys, Twilight has agreed to go along with the plan now. She is taking a nap right.
"That's wonderful, Spike! I knew she would come come along eventually."
"Yeah that's great. So can you give me the combination for the inhibitor."
"Oh of cour-wait, what combination?"
"You know the number combination that unlocks thing you put on Twilight's horn?"
"Oh the combination....sweetie, give Spike the combination, please?
"Ah yes, the...ah...combination...we cannot give it to you at this time for...security reasons."
The sound of Fakelight's shout startles the birds off the statutes in the royal garden where me and the Twilight impostor were enjoying a nice walk. I thought a nice walk with me here rather than staying in the library would get her to relax a bit. But I forgot that she thinks that the moment she blows her cover that I am going incinerate her on the spot.
Any other time she may have been right but this is a special case.
Like I said earlier, I'll give today to her and free Twilight in the evening. But I do want to give Fakelight the chance to get whatever it is off her chest. But to do that, I have to get her to relax a little. So I thought asking a silly question like "How many ways are there to skin a cat?" would get her to chill a bit.
Which just backfired beautifully.
I give the poor dear a little smile, "42? Really? There are 42 ways to skin a cat?"
She casts me a quick apologetic look and regains her composure, "Oh...ah....Yes! My...ah...research has shown me there are exactly 42 ways to skin a cat. Most of them involve common household items or using kitchen utensils while 5 of those ways involve invoking ancient evil demons from Tartarus."
I raise an eyebrow, "I hope this is all theoretical, Twilight."
She stares at me in horror, "Oh Yes of course! Ignoring the ethical implications and animal cruelty that would result from testing that theory; Flutershy would come at me with an ax if I ever did anything like that. 42 is merely the number that resulted from my conjecture. I would never actually collect data to prove it."
I quickly wrap wing around her, "Of course, Twilight . I know you would never do anything like that. I was just trying to get you to relax with a silly question."
Blushing profusely, Fakelight looks at me, "Relax?"
Now's my chance, "Yes, Twilight, relax. We are together now and that means sharing our joys and our burdens. Every since I saw you this morning I could feel the tension radiating off of you. I first wanted to wait until you came to me, but then I remembered that relationships don't work well like that. So am saying this here and now, if there is anything you need to say to me then please go ahead and say it. I promise whatever it is, I will not think any less of you."
Fakelight looks down in deep thought. After a couple of moments she turns her face back towards me, still blushing , "Can...Can we stay like this for awhile? I just...need some time to calm down a bit."
Impostor or not, Shy Twilight is as cute as ever, "Of course , my love. Take all the time you need." I sit on my haunches and keep my wing wrapped around Fakelight as she nuzzles closer to me. "And remember Twilight,"
"Don't Panic."
Don't Panic.
When you say that to a normal pony, they at least stop screaming for second so they can hear whatever it is you have to say next.
When you say that to Twilight, she screams in your face, cusses you out, and starts listing all the reasons why she should be panicking.
I roll my eyes and tune her out as I take stock of this whole stupid situation. We are in Twilight's bedroom in the crystal palace here in Ponyville. We are locked in here because a busy-body idiot and her equally idiotic husband decided to play match maker between this pony we know and Celestia, Twilight's marefriend. They all came here asking Twi if she would let the pony disguise itself as her and spend a day or two with Celestia. When she naturally says no, Luna suddenly appears out of nowhere and whacks her with iron bar and knocks her out.
I was pretty pissed about that, as were the other conspirators. But being a dimutive baby dragon I couldn't really do anything of note to an alicorn moon goddess. Having no choice but to go along with everything, they let me grab an ice pack for Twi and brought us to the bedroom where they put that magic lock thing on her horn and locked us in the room.
Luckily when she woke and remembered everything I was able to stop her from completely spazing out and got her to calm down. While she was doing her breathing thing, Celestia did her mind link and wanted a sit-rep from me.
I gave it to her along with a piece of mind about this whole mess. Sun goddess or not, nopony screws arond with the pony who is basically my mother for all intents and purposes. After getting her to promise to end this sonner rather than later, I got Twilight to relax and went to call before-mentioned idiots to remove the lock.
Which, of course, they don't know how to.
Which brings us to here where I am trying to stay cool while Twilight completely freaks out. As I tune to back to reality I discover that Twilight has reached reason number 87 as for why she should be panicking. Which involves Discord, a catapult filled with whipped cream, a dominatrix version of Applejack, and a thermonuclear device in the hoofs of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Sigh. Time for plan B.
F.Y.I, Plan B is back-handing Twilight so she comes to her senses.
When she shakes the stars from her eyes, she immediately starts to apologize, "I am so sorry, Spike. I...I just planed this week for so long and then all this happens with that interloper, Luna and all the rest...and...now my horn..." Tears start to form up at this point.
I give my mother figure a hug, she needs it. "It's okay Twilight, I know that you've been pushing yourself more than usual, getting all that paperwork done so you could take this week off and be with Celestia. Then all this B.S. happens and it seems your week is ruined now." I step back and stand up straight. "But fear not, your No. 1 Assistant is on the case and you will have your special time with Celestia. I swear to you on my title as a "Noble Dragon"."
She smiles and wipes the tears from her eyes. "Thanks Spike, you always know what to say."
I smile, "Between you and Rarity I get a lot of practice."
She chuckles a bit at that and gives me a sly smirk. "I hope she makes it worth it for you."
Gee, I am really hoping me blushing doesn't stand out too much on my scales. "Al-Alright enough of that, lets go ahead and get wingus and dingus here so we can figure out what to do about your horn and that home-wrecker posing as you."
"Spike! I am not exactly happy with them right now either but that is no reason for name-calling."
I shrug. "Those two put an ancient magical artifact on your horn to seal your magic with no reliable way to take it off and the other is disguised as you with the hope getting her mack on with Celestia. What I am trying to say, in other words, is this: 'I calls them as I see them'."
She huffs and puts a hoof to her horn, feeling the lock.
I take the hoof in my claws. "Don't worry Twi, everything will be okay."
"Don't Panic."
Don't Panic.
Just don't panic.
I keep telling myself that as I walk down a lone hallway in the castle. With me in my magic I carry a scroll that must be delivered to Celestia. This scroll is either one of two things.
A: my return ticket to the moon.
B: my ticket to immortal life walking with a severe limp
As I lament my fate, a thought occurs.
My dear sister won't be upset about this
In fact, she can't get mad about this, because she didn't give me any warning something like this could happen.
It's not like she actually warned me to not just sign every document put in front of me by the nobles and to actually read the documents because the nobles may try to sneak in a law or two that Celestia would never sign if she were there. It's not like she warned me about that exact thing multiple times prior to this week. She also didn't tell me how upset she would be with me if I let that happen. And there is no way I was playing with that fascinating ball in the cup toy and tuning her out every time she warned me.
Wait...Oh shit.
In my defense ball in the cup toy is really mind-boggling. You toss the ball in the air and you try to catch it with the cup. But if you miss, that's okay because the ball is at attached to a string at the bottom of the cup so you can try again.
I am sure once I explain my position to my dear Tia she won't get mad at all.
I am the mistress of the dreams and even I can't dream of that happening.
As I continue to walk and contemplate my doom, I notice a lone pony walking, no, strutting down the hallway towards me.
It's that insufferable Prince Blueblood. That self-deluded jackass who believes that he is Celestia's gift to mares. A snobbish pretty boy who doesn't have enough energy in his brain to power a light bulb.
Speaking of light bulbs, one just went off in my head. I realize what Prince BlueBlood is most of all, a patsy.
I'll get him to deliver the scroll to my sister and say something stupid and arrogant which pertains to the message in the scroll. Which will make her think the he had something to do with it.
Then Tia will take out most of her anger on Blueblood, leaving me with the embers.
Since Blueblood is an complete asshole I won't feel bad about it.
I straighten up and assume my Regal Pose. "Prince Blueblood, We summon thee!"
His eyes widen and he immediately scampers to and bows. "How may I serve you, Your Majesty?"
I had the scroll to him with my magic. "We charge thee with delivery of thine scroll to our sister, Princess Celestia. This information within thine scroll is top secret and for our sister's eyes only. And when thou hath delivered thine scroll you are to avail yourself to any service specified in said scroll. Due to other...maters I cannot make this delivery myself. This is a mission of the utmost importance She is somewhere on the castle grounds. Do you accept this task?
He looks at the scroll with awe. "Yes I do...and thank you."
I look at him, puzzled. "For what?"
He stands up straight and with a face beaming with pride. "For trusting me with this noble task. I know I have a history of being a regular ass around ponies and such but when I woke this morning I resolved to change my image. I resolved to put others before myself, to treat other ponies with dignity and respect regardless their station in life. I want to prove that I am more than just a pretty face and become a better pony. Thank you Princess Luna for giving me this small chance to get my hooves dirty and change my image." He salutes me and gallops off, searching for my sister.
Leaving me standing there feeling like the biggest jackass in Equestria.
I hang my head in shame as I retreat to my Royal Hiding Spot.
"Oh fuck me...", I say to myself as I lift my head up and see who else but Prince Blueblood standing a few feet away from where me and Fakelight are laying in the grass in the royal garden. Fakelight is dozing a bit wrapped under my wing (Me-damn, she is cute for an imposter). I also realized that I must have dozed a bit too because from the sun's position it's definitely pass noon. I put my game face on and turn to face BlueBlood.
"Good Afternoon, Blueblood, how can I help you?"
Blueblood straightens up and levitates towards me a scroll he had been holding, "I am truly for disturbing your vacation time Auntie Celestia but I was told to deliver this scroll to you and to make myself available for any service specified within said scroll." He salutes me when he finishes.
If I were a lesser pony I would be staring at Blueblood as if he had grown a second head. But since I'm me, the only thing that indicates my surprise is the slight raise in my right eyebrow. "Blueblood, my dear nephew, is there something going on with you that I should know about?"
He looks down and shuffles his hooves a bit, "Well, I have been wanting to change my image for quite sometime." He says nervously, glancing towards me occasionally, "I just want to prove to myself and to the rest of the ponies here that I am not so arrogant, selfish, snobbish, layabout. I want to make myself useful."
By now both eyebrows are raised. I can't believe that the pony standing before me is my pain-in-the-flank nephew. I mean I had written him off ages ago as another stuck-up noble wasting my time in the court. But here he is standing before me with conviction and duty in his eyes. Something I never thought I would see in him. I break my game face and sweep him into a motherly hug. "Oh Blueblood, by admitting that you have taken the very first steps towards making yourself into a better pony."
Blueblood, in shock from the sudden display of affection, squeaked out, "R-Really?"
"Yes, my dear nephew. It takes a lot to be able to look at yourself and recognize your flaws. It takes even more to be willing to change yourself into a better pony." I break the hug and gaze warmly into his eyes, "I have never been more proud of you then I am now."
Blueblood wipes a tear from his eye, "Th-Thank you Auntie for your kind words."
"It's alright my dear." I grab the scroll from him with my magic, "Now lets see what this is all about."
I open the scroll and read its contents to myself.
I look at Blueblood standing in front of me.
I re-read the scroll.
I look again at Blueblood.
I re-read the scroll.
I look again at Blueblood.
I re-read the scroll.
I look again at Blueblood.
I close the scroll.
"Blueblood, do you know what is written in this scroll?"
He shakes his head, "Afraid not Aunt Tia, what does it say?"
I smile warmly at him, "Oh...that's not important. But who gave you this scroll?"
"Princess Luna, and she also gave me instructions to make myself available to the services within the scroll."
I nod my head "Well that clears up a few things." I use magic to conjure up some pen and paper and immediately write some things down. When I am done I fold the paper in half and give it to Blueblood. He unfolds and reads it. He looks at me with eyes as wide as saucer plates, "A-A-A-Auntie, I ha-"
I hold a hoof up and cut him off. "Blueblood, the only thing that matters right now is your ability do everything that paper says by the time specified. Can you do this?" I look at him with pleading eyes.
He stands up straight with duty in his eyes, "I can and I will, Princess Celestia." He does a quick bow and runs off towards the castle.
After he disappears from view I turn toward Fakelight who is still asleep. I give her light bop on the nose and to wake her up. She stirs a bit and opens her eyes. She immediately remembers her situation and bolts straight up. "C-C-C-Celestia, I am sorry I-"
I give her cute nose another bop, "It's alright, Twilight. Things have probably been stressful for you and it just caught up with you. But now I need you to do something for me."
She tilts her head, "What do you need?"
"I need you to go and wait for me in my room. I have some business to attend to with Luna. I'll be right up"
Fakelight looks at me anxiously for bit before turning in the direction of my room. She stops and turns her head towards me, "I-Is everything alright?"
I smile and say, "Everything is fine, Twilight. I just need to discuss something with my dear sister. We will continue when I return to you." She smiles a that and continues walking. I go in the opposite direction and start trotting towards Luna's room.
Don't worry, Fakelight. It's just going to be me and my sister.
And the Tartarus I'm bringing with me
"So, Wingus, Dingus, what's the plan?"
That's the greeting me and my wife are treated to when we enter my little sister's room. I look around and see my LSBFF rise to greet us while the little jerk-ass stands next to her.
"Hey don't start acting all big now just because you finally have a girlfriend.", I retort.
The little smart-ass crosses his arms, "Like I told Twi, I calls them as I sees them."
I glare at the little punk-ass a bit before our respective partners give us both whacks to the backs of our heads.
"If you two are done with your pissing contest...", Twilight growled, "maybe you could help get this damn thing off my horn!"
Cadence quickly went over and wrapped Twiley up in a hug. "Oh Twilight, I am so sorry. I never meant for things to get out of hoof." A few tears start to form. "When she first came to me and told her story, I couldn't stop myself from wanting to help her out. I had no intention of allowing her to break up what you and Celestia have but she just wanted one day and I thought that wouldn't be too much to ask for."
Twiley tries to stay mad at Cadence but the she quickly caves in and hugs her back. "It's alright Cadence, I do understand why you did this. But the execution could've been done a lot better."
I scratch the back my head, "Yeah...that's my fault." Twiley looks towards me. "I thought letting Luna in on this would prevent any major complications instead of causing EVERY major complication. Oh that reminds me, I got call from my some of my guys back at the castle, they know where to find the code to unlock that inhibitor on your horn."
Twiley perks up at that, "Really?! It'll be off soon?! Oh your the best BBBFF ever!" Twilight throws her hooves around Shining.
As I return Twiley's hug, my jacket starts humming, "What is that?", Twiley asks.
"Oh, it's my crystal communicator. It's probably my men reporting in." I reach my hoof into my dress uniform pocket that I am wearing and pull out a small clear glowing gem.
Spike raises an eyebrow, "Probably calling in to report that something else has gone horribly wrong."
Before I can respond to the little..punk-ass? No, already called him that. What else is there? Jerk-ass? Smart-ass? You know what never mind, I'll think of something later. Now where was I?
"Captain Armor, Sir!" A voice calls out from the gem in my hoof.
Oh right, "What is it Corporal? Have you completed the mission?"
"Negative sir! We are still searching for the code. However we have a new development I believe you should be made aware of."
"Called it, Dingus!" thwack! "OW! What the hell, Twilight?!" thwack! "Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
Ignoring them, I talk into the gem, "What's the situation?"
"Sir, Delta Fox has reported from his position at Charlie-zero-zero-five that at 1340 hours, Crucible 1 and Crucible 2 were seen heading toward the castle. We are assuming they are going to go see Princess Celestia. ETA is between 70-90 minutes.
My blood runs cold at the news. "Corporal!", I shout into the gem, "Call in every non-vital unit to assist with the search! We need that code yesterday! Also, tell every door guard to stall Crucible one and two for as long as possible when they arrive. Any method short of anything violent is approved. Go now, Corporal, Celestia-Speed!"
I shut the gem off and look around to see everybody staring at me, concerned. Cadence speaks up first, "Honey, what in Equestria is heading to the castle?"
My heart skips a beat as I hear the my name called from my fortress under my bed in my room. It then stops completely when I recognize the motherly voice that said it.
"Luna, I know you're in there. Come out so we can talk."
Knowing my sister, it's futile to keep quiet and hope she gives up and walks away. My sister could always track me like a bloodhound whenever I got into trouble. "We are currently indisposed now dear sister. Please check back later." I look around and spot the balcony door. If I can distract her long enough I can silently crawl my way to it and be out the castle before she even knows it.
"Luna...", The same motherly voice speaks, "I am aware of what you have done."
I start to sweat as I begin my crawl, "Could thou be more specific?", I respond as I go inch by inch.
"Everything Luna, I know everything." , I speed up my pace at that.
"I see.", I am a foot away from the door. I stretch out my leg to put my hoof on the knob.
"I am not as mad as you think, Luna" I pause at that and look towards my chamber door.
She's not as mad I think? She should foaming at the mouth about everything I've done.
Unless..."Did you get the message from Blueblood?", I ask hopefully.
"Yes, I did. Don't worry my dear sister. This situation can be repaired but I do need your help to do so."
Huzzah! My plan must have worked! Blueblood took the brunt of her anger and Celestia has calmed down enough where I no longer need to be in fear of my life.
I stand up and dust myself off, "Alright, Tia, we are coming!", I say as I walk away from the balcony door towards my chamber door.
I grab a hold of the knob with my magic (which I just remembered that I could do), turn it, and open the door.
There I see my sister, Princess Celestia, at my doorstep.
...Except something's wrong.
I don't remember this intense heat that could melt stone radiating from my sister
I also don't remember my sister's mane and tail being looking like they are made out of living hellfire.
The purple demonic eyes are new to me as well. And this thing where I feel like I am looking into the fiery pits of Tartarus when I gaze into them? That is also new.
Her coat seems to have taken on a reddish hue to it as well.
But what stands out as the most is the smile. Normally when my sister smiles at me, I feel warmth and happiness all throughout my body.
This smile makes me want to do something that I haven't done since I was potty trained when I was a foal.
It's probably the teeth that's doing it. The razor-sharp, dagger like teeth my sister is flashing at me as she smiles.
I use my magic to close the door.
I wait a few seconds and try to figure out what was wrong with that scene.
"Luna..." My sister's sweet as honey voice calls through, "We still need to discuss a few things."
I open the door with my magic.
The scene before me is unchanged.
There I see my sister, Princess Celestia, at my doorstep.
Then it hits me. I realize the mistake lied with me. My sister, Celestia, was not at my doorstep.
Tartarus was at my doorstep.
Here to collect the poor, pitiful, dumb-ass who was unlucky enough to earn its ire.
I look around my room behind to see if there is anypony else there.
"Now that we got that unpleasantness out of the way..."
"Luna, we need to talk. Your behavior as of late has been...unaccetable as of late. First, I want to point out that I know about this fake Twilight scheme that you and Cadence have put togehter. I had Fakelight made from the very beggining and I only allowed things to go this far because I did understand her need for closure on this issue. But that doesn't excuse the fact that you attacked Twilight. I know that our bodies are much more resilient than mortal poines and can take a lot of punishment. But it still bothers me very much that you hit Twilight with a pipe. There were more peaceful ways you could have incapacitated Twilight without resorting to such violent measures."
"Now, you and I were just going to have a simple 'conversation' about you hitting Twilight with a pipe. But that was BEFORE Blueblood came to me earlier with that note you sent him with. By the way that was a dick move setting up BlueBlood like that. You knew he was trying to not be a asshole anymore and you still sent him to me knowing that I might incinerate him on the spot after I read that note."
"Which brings us to why I am here. Luna, I told you about thousand times that when you are holding court, you can't just sign documents ponies put in front of you without reading them first. Believe me Luna, I know court is boring as Tartarus and reading all those documents and bills tediuous. But you can't just get so bored that you start signing papers without reading them. I would think you would've learned that lesson when you let Saint Pearl's Home For Orphaned Fillies be shutdown and be converted to Reaver's Discount Brothel. Or when you legally changed that filly Diamond Tiara's name to 'Diamond Bitch'. "
"That reminds me, we're conscripting those three fillies when they turn 18. I know the Royal Guard has been dropping the ball lately, but there is no way it's just the incompetence of the guards that allow those three to sneak in here undetected. Now back to the matter at hand..."
"And don't even get me started when you declared the consumption and sale of apples illegal that one week. That was not how I wanted to learn that Applejack's ENTIRE family outnumbers the Royal Army 5 to 1. And I also would've lived a long happy life not knowing that appleseeds can replace buckshot in your average shotgun shell and hurt just as much when you get shot in the ass with it."
"But I digress, Luna, that bill you signed into law says that one of us has to be married by midnight tonight or else we lose the throne for a WHOLE year. And since Cadence is running the Crystal Empire and Twilight has her hooves full with Ponyville and her friendship duties, ruling Equestria would fall to the noble class here in Canterlot. And since they are made up of a combination of inbred idiots and power hungry toadies, I give Equestria three days before it collaspes. "
"Now, I have BlueBlood running interference right now in courts to stall the implementation of that bill. Which will give me enough time to talk to Fakelight, bring her down gently, and grab the real Twilight in Ponyville. We will continue this conversation later when all this is sorted out, until then you are to STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. "
"I am sorry if I was a bit too harsh with you, Luna. I love you so much but you can be so infuritating sometimes. I have to get going now so I'll talk to you later, Love you bye-bye."
Night Guard Captian Dark Blaze was not in a good mood. He was supposed to be soundly sleeping in his bed without a care in the world. Instead some cadet, who probably drew the shortest straw, wakes him up, quickly tells him that a "demon in the guise of Celestia" scared off the guards for Luna's room and that the other remaining on-duty guards were too scared to check it out, and then runs out of the room as if Tartarus was on his heels.
Which wasn't that far off considereing how cranky some Thestrals can be when they are woken up in the middle of the day and that goes double for Dark Blaze.
So here he was now, marching down the corrider to Luna's room in full Night Guard armor, praying that someone was stupid enough to have attacked Luna. He would show that idiot or more specifically the chunk of flesh on said idiot's throat that his fangs aren't just for show.
Turning the corner to where Luna's room, he sees none other than Princess Celestia walking towards him away from Luna's room. Startled, he quickly shakes off his rage and stands to attention. "Greetings, your grace." he says to the Princess, "Is every thing all right? I heard there was a disturbance in Princess Luna's room."
Princess Celestia looked sheepishly down at her hooves, "Ah...yes...that would've be me I'm afraid.", she said apologectically, "I needed to have a talk with my sister and I scared off the guards at her door. I would say more but I am afraid that I have to get going now." Dark Blaze quickly stood aside and let Celestia trot pass.
He waited until she turned the corner to go and check on Princess Luna. The moment he entered, his face immeaditly contoted into a grimace as a strange, foul smell assualted his nostrils. "Gack!", he coughed and sputtered. "What..is...that...horrific...wheeze...stench?!"
"That's probably the smell of brimstone."
Steeling his nerves, Dark Blaze cracked his eye open and spyed upon a most strange sight. In the center of Luna's night-themed room was a patch of floor that seemed to have melted and was completly charred black. In front of it stood Luna standing shock still, with her mane deflated.
Dark Blaze immeadtly gathered himself and stood to attention, "Princess Luna, are you alright?", he asked concerned.
Princess Luna, facing the wall, responds calmly, "No my Captain, We...I...am not alright. Me and the word 'alright' are legally sepperated from each other for the forseeable future. "
Confused, Dark Blaze asks, "What happened?"
Princess Luna turns to face him and he peers into her eyes. And he sees the cackling Tartarus within them.
"Well, my sister came in here and gave me a stern talking-to and that is all that I am saying on the subject."