The Ponyville Public Access channel is where any and all Ponyville residents can go to advertise whatever they want or force those with a T.V. to watch their antics.
The Ponyville Public Access channel is where any and all Ponyville residents can go to advertise whatever they want or force those with a T.V. to watch their antics.
Tune into the The Ponyville Public Access channel. It’s literally the only channel that works.
Inspired by a random conversation with Tired Old Man
Spike sighs heavily as lays sprawled out across a big, purple couch. He holds a remote control in his claw which extends out towards a box-shaped, gray television. He clicks the remote absentmindedly, scanning channel after channel of different patterns of static accompanied by ‘CH.’ then the channel number in bright green lettering in the upper left-hand corner of the set.
“All these channels and nothing is on…” he bemoans as he clicks through several more channels of black and white static. “Literally since T.V. was just invented… Welp… I guess it’s Ponyville Public Access again…” Spike says as the slightest hints of a smile arrived at the corners of his lips. He suddenly frowns once more. “Maybe it’ll be better than I remember…”
Spike clicks the button a few more times and finally something other than static appears on the screen.
The screen flickers briefly and suddenly a pink pony with a curly pink mane and tail is beaming at the screen.
"In trouble but can't afford a lawyer who's actually passed the bar or even has the ability to process oxygen? Then Pinkie Pie has the solution for you.” Pinkie points out towards the screen. “Just come down to ‘Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff’ where we have dozens of objects ready to represent your every law stuff need!
“Founded when yours truly discovered there are serious and potentially deadly consequences to impersonating an operating room nurse for over fifteen weeks, Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff has been providing bargain law-whatever-representation for ponies who absolutely should not represent themselves under any circumstances!
“Why, our firm is full of qualified-looking objects that stand upright when set on a bench quite easily! Who knows! Maybe during your next brush with the law you can be represented by Mr. Cement,”— Pinkie motions to a bag of cement in a bowler hat— “, Mrs. Salad Tongs” – Pinkie motions to a pair of salad tongs in fashionable pair of high heels— “And even… erm… uh…” Pinkie trails off as she stared at yet another smartly dressed object. “Uh… An eggbeater in a hilariously small, but adorable suit! I don’t have a name for that one yet…”
The camera pans out, revealing a large assortment of smartly dressed objects.
"Our defenders will never crack under pressure!"
A rock with a quill taped to it cracks behind Pinkie.
"Except Crackle over there. He does it for fun!
“But don’t take my word for it! Just listen to these testimonials from real, live clients who have benefited from our lawyering... thingy.”
Pinkie gallops up towards the screen and suddenly the camera shifts to a light-blue unicorn wearing a purple wizard hat with a star and moon motif and a matching cape.
"The Grrrrrrrrreat and PowerfulTrixie used to represent herself until the Equestrian magistrates banned me from doing that because of"--Trixie air quotes with her forehooves-- "'A tragically flawed understanding of how the law works' and 'gross incompetence'. Thankfully I was able to hire a sack of potatoes in a fashionable power suit with shoulder pads for a fraction of what I make from one of my shows and suddenly all my legal proceedings went a lot smoother.”
The camera again shifts, this time to a walleyed, grey pegasus mare with yellow eyes smiling happily at the camera as she sits on her haunches next to a lamp. “Believe it or not, unexpected and accidental damage can happen anywhere at any time. Who knows! You just might happen to be by some of it!” The pegasus flings her arms out and hits the lamp, causing it to fall over and break against a set of yellow drapes. “When that happens, you’ll want good representation, or at least representation of good representation!” Her eyelids lowered slightly and she gave the camera a slightly sad look. “If you try to represent yourself, you won’t know what went wrong!”
‘FWOSH!’
The drapes behind the pegasus suddenly caught flame and Pinkie rushed over, fire extinguisher in mouth.
The scene flashes static briefly and then flickers back on to a scene of a pink earth pony mare with cutie mark that depicted a strawberry and some grapes sitting next to a briefcase and numerous bottles of wine in various states of being imbibed.
“They had a bottle of wine with a briefcase that was full of more wine…” The pink mare says. “And now I can at least go to court without being found in contempt of court every time…” The pink mare raises a bottle of red wine up to her lips and takes a swig. “Also court is now a lot more fun to go to!”
The scene shifts once more to a gray earth pony with a straight purple-colored mane and tail wearing a steel blue-colored dress.
In a monotone voice she announced, “I hired a garbage can full of rocks in a pair of loafers… I didn’t even have a reason to go to court.”
The scene shifts to Pinkie’s smiling face which occupies the entire shot. “Wow! Listen to all those satisfied customers! I mean… In the past… You would have already listened to them if you were paying attention… Hehe… Anyhow, here’s a real live magistrate herself to explain why it’s perfectly legal to be represented by a box of apples with a suit drawn on it!”
Pinkie gallops up past the screen and the camera suddenly pans over to a lime green earth pony with swirling orange mane and tail both in a bun. Her cutie mark depicts a gavel. She seems to regard the camera with sad, lavender eyes as she begins to speak.
“I tried to pass a law making it illegal for ponies to be represented by things that had no way of communicating, but a baby alligator in a tie that was bigger than it convinced the city council to allow this mockery of justice. So… whatever I guess… I don’t even care anymore…”
The pink pony with the strawberry and grape cutie mark suddenly leans into the shot holding a half-drunk bottle of red wine. “Would you like a hit?” she asks the lime green mare. “It takes the edge off.”
The lime green mare sighs and reaches for the bottle. “Yeah, sure…”
A call rings out from outside the shot. “THE GWWWWRRREEEAT AND POWERFFFUUULTWIXIE FLEEELS FWANTASTIC!” Trixie stumbles into the shot with a mostly empty bottle of white wine in her forehoof and collapses in front of the other two ponies. Trixie’s hat falls forward slightly over her face. She thrusts the wine bottle up regardless. “TWIXIE IS GWOING TO WIN OFER THE TOUGH CROWDS AT THE… HIC… FUNERAL PARWER TONIGHT! JUST TRY AND STOP HERrrrrrr…ME!”
The lime green pony utters a long, gravely sounding moan as if her soul is slowly leaking from her body via her mouth. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggg…” She takes a big swig from the bottle in her hand.
The camera rapidly pans across the room and suddenly Pinkie’s smiling face is occupying the entire shot. “And there you have it!” Pinkie says cheerfully. "Pinkie Pie's Discount Firm of Law Stuff! It's literally better than nothing."
Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives
The screen flicks slightly as it change to a scene of an irate gray earth pony with a short black mane. The pony sits on his haunches outside and stares at the camera. He gets up and starts walking, revealing a cutie mark that depicted three sticks of lit dynamite in a bundle.
“Alright Ponyville, you don’t like me and I despise you, so let’s dispense with the pleasantries and get down to business. Is there a do-it-yourself-project you need to get on? Somepony else’s do-it-yourself-project you want to ruin? Need to build a fence? Allergic to something in your neighbor’s garden? Against the idea of saddles on general principal?” The pony walked in front of a plain wooden building with a large sign that read ‘Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives’ with the pony’s cutie mark at the end of the sign. He continued, “Well here at Dandy Rancorous’s Emporium of Hardware and Explosives I have a number of tools that can be utilized to solve your problems… and explosives… Mostly explosives.”
With another flicker, Dandy is suddenly indoors sitting in front of wooden shelves full of tools and an assortment of other item with fuses. He levels a forehoof at the camera.
“Let’s face it. There comes a time, or several hundred times, in one’s life when a pony needs to take matters into their own hooves and solve their problem through liberal use of hammers and dynamite. And we have both those things. Also wood, nails, and anything else you may need to do your own home repairs… Or build a siege weapon to rain pain and death on any that might stand in your way!” The camera pans with the pony as he trots in front of a catapult. “Also… I sell catapults… So you can just buy one if you don’t feel like building it yourself…”
The screen flicks once more and Dandy is once again outside. This time in front of a red wall, he holds up what appears to be a fuse and lights it with a golden lighter. He lets go of the fuse as it hissed, the flaming end quickly consuming the fuse and heading towards the wall behind him.
“Why solve your problems through unreliable talk and reasoning when trusty explosives will make them go away in a puff of smoke…? And also fiery, loud explosion that leaves a crater with a server dozen foot diameter.”
The camera pans out revealing the wall belonged to the Ponyville schoolhouse, and the fuse runs up to a pile of explosives heaped below the schoolhouse’s bell.
Dandy turns and shakes his hoof at the bell. “Try waking me up at 8 a.m. NOW!”
‘KABOOOM!’
There was a large explosion as the top of the schoolhouse was torn apart in the blast. The large bell flew up into the sky.
“Huh…” Spike says as he stared at the T.V. “So that’s what happened to the old school bell…”
The TV issues its usual sound of static, its grey screen flickering to life. Suddenly, the screen changes as a cyan pony with a rather suave black mane and wearing a wealthy-looking business suit strides out in front of a gated condominium complex.
“Hello! Were you recently kicked out of your apartment for breaking your roommate’s precious china for the tenth time this week? Have you burned your house down in a tragic baking accident trying to make the world’s spiciest crescent rolls? Or are you just down on your luck after another failed attempt at selling folk on your latest drink made of potato juice and whatever that was you found in the gutter outside the Greasy Gallon Bar?”
Some smooth, calming music begins to play in the background as the pony gestures to the complex behind him.
“WELL, dear fellow, look no further! I’m Gentle Colt, and here at Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium, we’ll take you in no matter how much life’s taken a dump on you! We’ll even take you in if you’ve literally been dumped on, crap and all! We’ll be wearing hazmat suits, though. Necessary precautions.”
The screen changes to the inside of the complex, showing a large pool and a smaller rounded pool surrounded by apartments that tower up above. The camera pans over Gentle Colt lounging on a beach chair as he points out at the pool.
“Here at Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium, we pride ourselves on a clean, peaceful environment, where your children (if applicable) can thrive in a warm, welcoming homely setting. Our pool is always clean and ‘p’-free! There’s nothing but ‘H’ in this pool during summer, if you know what I mean…”
Suddenly, the music cuts off as some mumbling can be heard from behind the camera, and Gentle Colt seems to be answering the mumbler.
“...Horses. I mean horses. That’s the ‘H’.” Then the business pony becomes quite agitated. Furious, even. “No, ‘p’ doesn’t mean ‘pony’...YES, it means that and--I’M TELLING YOU, THERE’S NO ‘P’--”
The camera cuts to the inside of one of the apartments in the condominium. The beds are neatly made, brightened by sunlight streaming through the white linen curtains. Gentle Colt is sitting on one of the beds, looking slightly winded as his dark mane appears to fray a bit on some of the hairs.
“O-Our rooms are the finest in quality. You won’t find a better place to rest your weary head after a hard day’s work.” He then lays back on the bed, seemingly enjoying the comforts of it when a spring shoots out from the mattress, penetrating the sheets and pillow, jutting out within inches of his face. Unsurprisingly, he leaps off the bed.
“What the buck?!” He screams before pointing at the camera...no, not directly at the camera. “Monty, you promised me these mattresses weren’t going to do that again! ...YES, I am docking your pay for this, you buffoon! I mean, seriously, who’s going to sleep on these now?! The sheets are ruined, it pierced the pillow AND we have to throw out the mattress, which’ll cost a small fortune and …wait, what do you mean ‘the camera is still rolling?’ WELL TURN IT OFF, YOU BUCKING MORO--”
The scene moves again to a small dining area with a few buffet trays in the back as some of the tenants are serving themselves. Smiles aren't on their faces, but Gentle wears one proudly, despite looking even more of a mess in his mane.
"We...we even have our own complimentary dining area, where a hearty breakfast is served in the morning and light snacks all throughout the evening! Just look at our wonderful tenants enjoying the food, silently eating as they savor the pleasantries of a home-cooked meal."
"Hey! You stole my hay weenies!"
"You stole them first, liar!"
Gentle turns his head back, noticing two ponies that are in an argument.
"Why did you even steal from me? The weenie tray is right in front of you!"
"I stole my weenies back from you because you saw me take them from the sweet spot on the tray! That's why you stole mine!"
"No, my weenies were in that sweet spot in the tray, but you took them first! I even marked it with my name on a cute toothpick flag!"
The other pony began munching on a weenie, holding onto a toothpick with a small bit of ripped paper on it. "What flag?"
"THAT'S IT!" Without warning, the two ponies grapple each other and break out into a wrestling match right there and now.
“Hey hey, no fighting in the dining area!” Gentle rushes over to the scuffle and tries to pull them apart, but one of the ponies grabs his tie. “Knock it of--AUUGH!” Without warning, he’s yanked into the fight, and the camera is set down on the table as Monty tries to free Gentle from the rapidly escalating scuffle, only to fall victim to the same fate as Gentle.
Finally, the scene cuts to a bit of static before showing the front desk of the condominium. Gentle Colt’s suit is in tatters, and his mane is so frazzled it looks like it’s about to fall right off. He’s also rather winded, taking deep breaths as he speaks.
“So…so...come on down...to Gentle Colt’s Cozy Condominium. We’ll keep...you cozy...no matter the cost.”
A pony off-camera then asks, “Gentle, where’s the ice machine? I know you’ve told me where it is about thirty times now, but I forgot again. I even forgot where I put the note you left on my door telling me where the ice machine is specifically so this doesn’t happen again, but--”
Gentle Colt turns with a crazy look in his eye as the corner of his lips twitches a bit. “Oh, it’s fine. It’s down that hall over there.”
“Where?”
“...the one you just came from.”
“So is that the one I’m looking at past you now, or--”
Gentle Colt screams and reaches for his mane. With a light tug, he pulls off his toupee and flings it offscreen. “THAT HALLWAY BEHIND YOU!”
Spike flips through the channels, not really expecting to find anything interesting. He is right, as always. Nothing but static permeates the tens of channels that the dragon flips through with the remote, a can of root beer on the couchside table. The reptile briefly entertains the thought of taking a quick walk over to Rarity’s to see if she needs his help, but remembers that the fashion designer is away in Manehattan collaborating with Coco Pommel on a design for Sapphire Shores. Spike frowns and gives the television a half-lidded glare, as if that would actually magically make programs start appearing. Well, he thinks, there’s only one channel to check, and usually it kind of deters ponies from actually going to those places. I’ll see what poor schmuck decided to give it a try this time.
He presses the buttons to take him to Channel 130, and then…
**********
“Are you tired of mundane activities like playing ball and riding scooters? Footage shows three little fillies, one a yellow Earth Pony with a large pink bow in her red mane, one a white Unicorn with lilac and pink mane and tail, and the last an orange Pegasus with a magenta mane and tail, bouncing a ball on their heads. Then it shows one of the three fillies, the orange Pegasus, riding her scooter while buzzing her wings like a bumblebee. Do you long to save kingdoms, but can’t get out of your home? Do you want the excitement of taking on an army of aliens, or racing fellow heroes?”
The footage is swapped out for a shot of an ice blue Earth Pony stallion with a lemon yellow mane and tail. His cutie mark is three horizontal lines which begin thick toward his barrel and fade to nothing near his tail. He wears a white collar with a blue bowtie and rimless glasses.
“Well, to all you ponies at home wondering what I could be talking about, I am Speed Run, and I can hook you up with the latest sensation in Equestrian entertainment, video games! Right in your own home! Here at Speed Run’s Game Shop!”
“If you love going to the arcade, but don’t feel like paying to play a game just for a few minutes at a time, and then having to pay again, this is the perfect opportunity for you to realize your dreams of digital glory!” Speed Run walks around his shop, presenting both consoles and handheld systems. “With this, the Fargame Family Entertainment System, you and your parents can enjoy the rush of racing together in Plumber Crack Racing, or the whole family can watch one player’s quest to defeat Lord Kappa in the Plumber Crack games themselves and save Mistress Cherry Pie, and so much more!”
Motioning to a smaller device, Speed run says, “Or, take your adventure everywhere with the JoyBoy portable game system! Catch all of the Crittermons, help Seras defeat the space dragon Raptor in Asterid, and even challenge yourself to a game of Quadruplex and aim for the high score! There’s no shortage of games to play here at Speed Run’s game Shop!”
**********
Spike thinks that this might be one of the better commercials and is genuinely entertained by these video games. Maybe he could even get Twilight to play one if he is good enough at convincing her. But as fate would have it, nothing on this channel ever goes 100% to plan.
**********
“But that’s not all! We also have board and tabletop games for foals and adults! Family games like Sweet Land, Slides and Ladders, and Greedy Greedy Griffons! The adventure epic of Caverns and Centaurs, where no two games are the same! We even have supplies such as books and dice for all your gaming needs! So come on down to—”
Dingadingading!
The front door to Speed Run’s Game Shop opens, and two Earth Ponies enter. One is a brown colt with an orange mane and a propeller beanie, and the other, his mother, is tan and has a mousy brown mane and tail, the mane tied in a side plait with a red ribbon. She has beige saddlebags on her back. Her blue eyes seem to sparkle with pride.
“Hello,” says the mother, “I’m here to look at your JoyBoy games. My Button Mash got a 100 on his test and I thought I’d reward his hard work.”
“Oh, yes, congratulations, my boy. I’m sorry, but could you wait a few minutes, Miss…?”
“Love Tap.”
Yes, Miss Love Tap. You see, I’m busy filming a commercial for Ponyville Public Access. And it’s live, so I must get back to filming.”
“Oh, well, I’ll let you get back to it then—”
“MOM!!! I FOUND IT!” Button Mash yells. Love Tap rushes over to her beloved son’s side and asks, “Which one, sweetie?”
“Crittermon: Red Edition! I’ve seen reviews and it’s supposed to be really good! I’ve been wanting to try it out, but I thought how could I wait for my birthday!? So I studied really hard for this test and I’m so glad it paid off because now I can discover every last Crittermon on the Lando Continent!”
“Okay, Button. Sir! I’m ready to make my purchase!” Love Tap says sweetly.
“Ma’am, I am in the middle of filming. Can’t you son wait just a couple more minutes?” says Speed Run.
“Tell you what?” says Love Tap, “You let me buy Crittermon: Red Edition, and I’ll spread the word on your shop, which should hypothetically drive business up, as well as having a happy customer on live TV! That shouldn’t hurt sales in any way.”
“Well,” says Speed Run nervously, “it certainly couldn’t hurt for publicity purposes.” Speed Run rings up Love Tap’s purchase and she pays the 25 bits for the Crittermon game.
“There you are, Miss Love Tap.” Speed Run gives the bag to the mother as Button Mash’s face is aglow with joy. “You see how happy this young colt is to play his new game? That could be you and your family!”
“Thank you, Speed Run,” says Love Tap. “Come along, Button. You can play Crittermon when you get home.”
“Okay, Mom!” says Button, as he pulls the box containing the game out to read the text on the back. The mother and son exit the shop.
“So stop on by Speed Run’s Game Shop. We have a large selection of games for family or a single player, video games or tabletop games! There’s sure to be a game you will love at—”
A shrill cry pierces the air of the street and Speed Run has to cover his ears to prevent hearing loss. As he recovers…
BANG!!!
Dingadingading….
Love Tap appears in the entrance to the shop, a look of distilled anger on her face. Poor Button is sniffling with his head hanging low. The bag containing the Crittermon game is in Love Tap’s mouth.
“Yes? Is there something I can help you with?” asks Speed Run nervously.
Love Tap marches up to the counter and places the game on it, face-down, dropping her saddlebags as well.
“What the hay is this!?!” she says harshly.
“Um, what?” Speed Run says dumbly.
“‘You can’t find all 200 Crittermon on your own, so trade with other players to collect them all!’ What kind of minotaur crap is this!?!”
“Ma’am, I don’t make the games, I just—”
“This is some plot to sell two games for the price of one, isn’t it? The Red Edition and the Green Edition are the same game, right!?!”
“Well, yes, but with a few—”
“Then why the hell are you selling them as two different games when they’re clearly the same thing!?! Why can’t you make a single game that you can get all 200 in!?! Maybe only trade for some really hard-to find Crittermon or something! But noooooooo!! You have to make two games that have exclusive Crittermon just to make more damn money!! Well I’m not having it!! I want the Green Edition, a blue JoyBoy, and a Link Cord, NOW!!!” shouts Love Tap.
“Yes, well, that will be 110 bits—”
“I AM NOT PAYING A SINGLE CELESTIA-DAMNED BIT FOR THIS EXTORTION!!! IT’S GIVE ME THE GAME STUFF OR I SHOVE FIREWORKS DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!”
“W-what?”
“AND THEN DETONATE THEM!!!!”
“Ma’am, you wouldn’t?”
“I ONCE RESCUED MY SON’S FILLYFRIEND FROM AN UNLAWFUL DETENTION BY BLOWING A HOLE IN THE SIDE OF THE SCHOOLHOUSE!!! DON’T THINK I WON’T SHOVE FIREWORKS UP YOUR FLANK FLANK AND LIGHT THEM!!! GREEN EDITION! BLUE JOYBOY!! LINK CORD! NOW!!!”
Speed Run fearfully retrieves the goods Love Tap demanded and gives them to her, no charge. Love Tap begins to walk out when Button says, “Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“This kinda feels like stealing, though…” Button says. Love Tap sighs, knowing her son is right, and walks back to the counter. She lays 125 bits on the counter.
“Ma’am, I-I thought you weren’t p-paying? And it’s only 110 b-bits,” says Speed Run.
“Yes, but I feel bad for scaring the daylights out of you, so I gave you some extra to compensate. My son can be my only moral compass sometimes,” says Love Tap sheepishly.
“Yes, well, you two enjoy your new games!” says Speed Run as Love Tap and Button Mash leave the shop. The shop owner throws himself across the counter, where he sees Love Tap’s saddlebags. He picks them up and begins to walk out, but stops as he hears a hissing sound.
His pupils shrink to pinpricks.
**********
“Mom?”
“Yes, Button?”
“Why did you give him fifteen bits extra?”
“Because he’s gonna need it for the repair work.”
“What?”
KAFWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!
Button looks at the game store 100 feet behind him. Shattered glass litters the streets and smoke billows from the otherwise intact storefront.
“Oh.”
“Like I said, you can be my only moral compass, sometimes.”
**********
Speed Run stumbles out of the smoky building, coughing some smoke from his lungs. His camera handler, thankfully or not, captured every last bit of the explosion that rocked his shop, and is still recording.
“We need to remodel don’t we?” asks Speed Run.
“Yep,” says the stallion behind the camera.
“Well, we here at Speed Run’s Game shop are sorry to say that we will spend the next week or so remodeling, but we should be back open soon! Until then, play more games! Turn it off, Lens Focus! Turn! It! OFF!!!”
Speed Run tackles his camera-stallion.
**********
Spike watches on in boredom as the commercial ends and the screen once again plays the familiar sights and sounds of static.
“Eh, I prefer my comics, anyway.” He walks up to his room inside Friendship Castle and reads the Power Ponies series from the beginning.
The screen flickers and it reveals a yellow unicorn stallion with a lab robe and a bowtie.
"Are we on?" He asks.
"Yup." A voice behind the camera responds.
"Hello, do you have an insatiable thirst of knowledge, wish to know more about this wonderful planet, or want to make your mama and papa happy?"
The stallion moves to the side to reveal his cutie mark, that represents a grey planet with rings, and a small building.
"I'm Saturn Eclipse and I present you... Saturn's house of epic learning!" He was rather enthusiastic.
The screen presents static and then shows Saturn inside a laboratory, with some tables with tall chairs on them, on the background there is a periodic table.
"In my institute, ponies of all ages can learn a wide variety of disciplines, here are just some examples!"
The screen presents more static for a few seconds, then Saturn appears on an open field at night with a telescope, the starred sky beautifying the view.
"Astronomy! Say goodbye to social life and friends and say hello to a map of the night sky with each and every star with name, coordinates, mass and location! Also, 'Most of my work takes place at night' is a great pick-up line!" He says with a wink.
The screen flickers and shows the scientist on a room with about five computers.
"Informatics! Learn more about this wonderful new science! Not to mention you learn another language: profanity." He says the last part under his breath.
"Here we have a lucky mare who is learning, let's see how she goes."
The camera points to the cream mare with a blue/pink mane, typing on her computer.
"How are you doing?" Saturn asks happily.
"I know how to start it, but how do I turn it off?
"Well, first you press the start button and-" Saturn is interrupted by the mare.
"No, I told you, I want to turn it off."
"I know, you press the Start button-"
"Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do."
"I did." Saturn is getting annoyed.
"When?"
"When I told you to press the Start button."
"Why should I press the Start button?"
"To shut off the computer"
"I press Start to stop."
"Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer." Saturn is getting mad.
"I knew it! So what do I press?"
"Start."
"Start what?"
"Start button." Saturn facehooves.
"Start button to do what?"
"Shut down." Saturn is angry.
"You don't have to get rude!"
"No, no, no! That's not what I meant." Saturn was is enraged.
"Then say what you mean." Bonbon was is mad too.
"To shut down the computer, press-" Saturn is interrupted again.
"Don't say 'start'!"
"Then what do you want me to say?!" Saturn yells.
"Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop."
"But that's what you do!"
"And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights."
"Don't be ridiculous." Saturn screams.
"I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation." Bonbon shouts.
"What are you talking about?!"
"I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye." Bonbon leaves.
Saturn screams his lungs out punched a computer monitor. His hoof brakes through the hardware.
More static and Saturn is now outdoors in a green field. His gray mane is uncombed and there are eye bags under his eyes.
"Zoology!" He exclaims, his enthusiasm faker than Sapphire Shores' plot.
The camera points towards a small monkey, stereotypically eating a banana.
Saturn starts getting close to it, he says:
"Aww... Such a cute little monkey..." He starts sitting down close to the primate.
"Umm... Saturn? You might not want to sit there..."
"Shut up, Telescope!" Saturn snaps.
Saturn sits down... On the monkey's tail, they both scream and the latter jumps into the former's face, biting and scratching him, the scientist leads out an ear-ripping shriek, meanwhile, a laugh can be heard from behind the camera.
"Telescope! Ahh! Telescope! Help! I'm bleeding!"
"Eventually..." He says, calmly.
"Oh gosh! I can't see out of one eye!"
"Soon..."
"Ahh! I'm bleeding from my horn!"
The camera rotates and it reveals a light gray pegasus with an azure mane and turquoise eyes, he lifts up a note that said:
My name is Telescope Lens, I’m being held against my will, if you're reading this, please send help and/or weapons
"What is that?! Oh no!" Saturn yells.
The yellow unicorn stands up, still with the monkey ripping his hair and jumps towards the camera, the lens brakes and the image screen goes black.
Finally, a poorly written message says:
You can also learn psychology, discover new things about the pony brain! Like I just discovered I am zoophobiac.
The tv produced some static before transitioning to a screen comprised of the following text with a solid white background for about 20 seconds.
The following is a message from the National Agency of Suicide Prevention Ponyville Division. Copyright:lololol
The tv once again transitions, this time to a mare with a silvery yet all at once white mane about shoulders length and a deep black coat that could only be described as a distinctive lack of hue. Her cutie mark is that of a singular telephone surrounded by a noose made of its own cord. She walks over to a table with a telephone firmly in the middle and sits facing the camera.
“Hello,” the mare says in a low calm voice. “My name is Silver Scorn and I manage the Ponyville Division of N.A.S.P. Our number can be found at the bottom of the screen.” For a split second a number appeared at the bottom of the screen but was overtaken by a black bar.
Silver awkwardly pulls out a flashcard and continues. “Now, it has come to N.A.S.P.’s attention that suicides rates in Ponyville have hit an all time high after nearly 23 years without an incident. Just recently stuntpony High Stakes, famous for his signature Market Gardening, cratered and lost all feeling below his neck. Doctors are still unsure of how he even managed to hang himself without assistance.” She tosses the flashcard aside.
Silver turns toward the screen with a determined look. “Do you ever feel like life isn’t worth it anymore? Do you ever feel like giving up, like nothing good can ever happen to you and you should just end it all? Maybe you just want someone to talk to?” Her voiced and gazed become uneasy before returning to a neutral state. She clears her throat.
“If so then please for your safety and for those around you call the number at the bottom of the screen and a operator will be more than happy to try and help you.” The number once again blinks in for a split second and is replaced by nothing the bottom of the screen disappearing into nothingness.
There is a long silence for about 30 seconds as she stares at the telephone becoming more and more anxious looking. She then turns back to the camera with a nervous glance and begins again.
“Maybe you're not thinking about suicide … Maybe you're just are having bad day. Maybe you've just got nothing better to do. If so feel free to call well be more than happy to help you anyway we can.”
Suddenly the camera swivels, exposing a completely empty building save for the mare and the table with the telephone. The camera slams against the stone floor and the bottom of the lense cracks. Silver rushes over and picks up the camera and looks over it in despair, her mane now disheveled and overall looking like a maniac. She points the camera afuly close to her face, still holding it.
“Oh no no no! What am I going to do! My camera is ruined!” Her voice is distorted and sounds very deep and masculine. “Wait, is this still on? If so then please someone call us to let us know.” Looks desperately over to the phone and then back to the camera. “Please someone just call! Its so lonely here. I just want someone to talk to.” She begins crying. “Please just call the numbers…”
The ad ends abruptly with static and a loud beep until suddenly a masculine Mexicolt voice cuts in enthusiastically. “Cinco, Cinco, Cinco, Nueve, Dos, Nueve, Dos.( 555-9292 ) I can work a miracle. I guarantee it.”
A stallion with a mottled yellowish-white coat and a ton of acne, wearing a straw boater and a loud yellow vest, stood in front of the camera.
"Hi kids! Are you looking for a place to bug your parents to take you for your birthday party, celebration of not flunking that big test, or just basically to have a blast with fun games and pizza and prizes?"
"Well come on down to Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse!" The stallion motioned behind him, where a building easily four barns wide stood, with a gaudily-painted sign bearing his face and the name 'Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse' above the double wide front doors. "Come on in, check it out!"
The stallion and the camera entered the store, where things were whizzing and dinging and blinking and buzzing in all directions.
"At Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse, we've got pizza!" The stallion held up a large slice of cheese pizza, which dripped grease from the runny, soggy cheese topping. "We've got games!" The camera panned to a bank of video game cabinets. "We've got skee ball!" The camera panned to a row of skee ball machines in the back corner of the store. "We've got prizes!" The camera panned across the highest shelf of a rack of stuff behind two bored-looking cashiers; dozens of massive plushies lined the top two racks, as well as things like a complete electric train set. "And we've got FUN!
"So come on down to Greasy Pizza's Pizza Party Playhouse, and you can have as much fun as these happy fillies and colts!"
The camera panned over a group of decidedly unhappy-looking foals.
A yellow earth pony filly with a red mane topped with a big bow frowned. "The food here's awful."
A marshmallow-colored unicorn filly with a two-tone mane and green eyes looked troubled. "That puppet band that keeps playing every ten minutes really creeps me out."
An orange pegasus filly with fuschia hair shook her hoof angrily at the camera. "There's no way to win any of the good prizes! They cost too many tickets! All you get is crap like this!" She jingled the ring of plastic beads and charms she wore around her neck. "And I wanted that awesome jetpack..."
Behind them, several other foals made similarly disgruntled noises and complaints.
An orange mare with a blonde mane, wearing a brown Stetson, trotted up behind the foals. "Ah'm awful sorry about these kids," she said. "But this place is kinda..." She tilted her head. "What's th' word Ah'm lookin' fer...?"
"CRAPPY!" the three fillies shouted in unison.
"...eeeyup, that's a word fer it alright. C'mon, y'all, let's go t' Sugar Cube Corner. Ah'm sure Pinkie Pie'll turn them frowns upside down."
"YAAAY!" The entire crowd of foals followed her out the front door, the camera following them all the way.
"He-HEY! Wait! Don't go! You can win mo--we'll double the tickets, alright? Double! ...Triple? Please...don't go..."
A slice of pizza slapped the stallion in the face from off camera with a wet plap. "I'm telling my DADDY how bad this place is!" a pink filly wearing a tiny tiara screeched. She and her little grey friend kicked the stallion in the knees, then stormed out.
"...come down...to...Greasy Pizza's...where all the...food and fun is...ow..."
As sure as the summer breeze is hot, the TV static clears away once more, this time revealing an elderly green earth pony wearing a ratty beanie and a coat that's more holes than cloth. Swiss cheese would be jealous...you know, if swiss cheese had feelings.
He opens his mouth to speak, but starts with a fit of coughing. By the time he's done, a tiny bit of spittle hangs from his lip. He doesn't seem to care.
"Hello. Is there something missing from your life? Do new things scare you, frighten you, terrify you to your bones as you wish you could hold onto something, anything from the past? Anything that takes you back to those not-scary times where carts didn't have wheels, and were instead wooden drawers that didn't go anywhere unless YOU moved them?"
The scene cuts to the inside of a dingy warehouse with rusty holes in the ceiling and littered with piles and piles of stuff all over the floor, all of it covered in dust.
"Or maybe you're just looking for an odd trinket, doodad or bauble that would probably fetch a slightly better price at your local pawnshop, or to give as a birthday present to some relative of a relative that you don't really remember, but feel obligated to give them something. Well, fear no longer, my thrifty shoppers, and come on down to Mister Handy's Hand-Me-Downs.
"Everything here is either donated by the community or found discarded in old, abandoned homes, warehouses, deserted museums...you know, picking places. Whether their owners have left them behind or donated out of the kindness of their hearts, rest assured that when you walk in here, you'll find something that'll be special to someone out there. And don't forget that--"
Suddenly, the front door is bucked in as royal guards flood the front door.
"...oh buckbuckets."
"Mister Handy, hooves in the air! Now!"
Mister Handy complies, and two guards rush forward and tackle him to the ground at once.
"Mister Handy, you're under arrest!"
"OW! For what?"
"Possession of stolen contraband, tax evasion, public indecency in a fountain at the local park--”
“I was bathing for that one!”
“In front of an entire field trip’s worth of schoolchildren!”
“Well, how was I supposed to know they’d show up that day? They even took pictures!”
“...wait, they took pictures?”
“I should know. I gathered them all... Do you want to see them?” Just as Handy finishes, he starts to try and fish something out of his ratty coat pocke--
“GODS, NO! Ugh, you’re giving me a headache already.”
“Then you might want to wear a helmet,” Handy quipped with a smirk on his face. The guard blinks and taps his head, noticing it’s a bit lighter.
“You stole my helmet!"
“I didn't steal your helmet!" Handy objects through a suspiciously acquired helmet he wasn't wearing before.
"Then why is my head bare and yours adorned with shiny gold?"
Handy shrugs. An incredible feat, considering he's still under two guards yet still took the helmet. "Happenstance?"
The helmetless guard cries out, "Cuff him so he stops stealing...MY ARMOR!"
Handy, now wearing a full guard armor set, smiles sheepishly at the guard he just pilfered the set from. "Hee hee...sorry?"
"TAKE HIM AWAY!" The bare guard yells, and some of the guards at the doorway pull Mister Handy out and away from his store. Soon after, the tackling guards are the last to exit his store, but Handy's camera is still rolling.
For a few minutes, nothing happens. Then the camera shifts around in blurs of movement as it's picked up and turned around, revealing Mister Handy, still adorned in gold guard armor.
"Hi. Sorry about that. That's my fourth run-in with the guards this week, and they've been rather persistent in trying to arrest me. But I swear to you all that this is a legitimate busine--"
"OH NO! Not this time, you slimy worm!"
The camera falls to the floor, catching glimpses of Mister Handy and the bare guard in quite the scuffle!
"Gimme my armor back!"
"Gah! Stop trying to arrest me in my store, and maybe I will!"
"Everything in your store is--OW! Stolen!"
"Not all of it! Most is donated legitimate--lyyyy!" Handy cries as the bare guard finally gets a grasp on him. The bare guard drags Handy by the collar on the armor out the door, caught in one last shot by his camera.
“Don’t worry, everyone! I’ll be back soon. Buy from Mister Handy’s Hand-me-downs, where everything belongs to someone out theeeeere!”
The front door to Mister Handy’s store closes, leaving the room in silence once more.
This time, the TV shows something entirely new—a commercial for a TV show!
Spike leans forward on the couch, nearly toppling off.
The words “Law and Hoarder” in Times New Roman font appear on the screen, with a blue glow outline for the word “Law” and a red glow outline for the word “Hoarder” as happy—yet somehow somber—music plays. “Next time, on Law and Hoarder.”
“Oh, Dashie?” Pinkie Pie says, standing in Sugarcube Corner. “Yeah, she’s def a hoarder! She keeps everything! Old newspapers (especially if they’re about her), cupcake wrappers, even old con—”
The scene cuts to Rainbow Dash’s house, which is strangely immaculate; literal shines keep appearing behind Rainbow. “Huh? Oh, no, I don’t hoard!” She chuckles, her eyes staring far too long directly at the camera. “Whoever told you that?!”
The scene then cuts to Applejack, who is standing in front of her barn with a bemused expression. “Yeah, she’s hidin’ all th’ stuff here,” she says bluntly. “She needs t’ get th’ stuff out soon, though, ‘cuz it’s almost time t’ raze the barn so we can raise th’ barn.” Almost on cue, the barn shudders, and Applejack quickly looks behind her.
Now it’s back to Rainbow, who is pointing to herself. “Definitely not a hoarder who hides her stuff elsewhere!” she says with an obviously fake smile.
“Silly Rainbow!” Pinkie says, standing upside down in the camera frame. “You know you can’t fool people like that!”
Rainbow jumps, her wings flaring and flapping, causing her to rise a few feet and almost bump into the pink mare. “PINKIE!”
“Rainbow, you have a problem!” Twilight says dramatically, running into the room.
“Wait, how’d you—”
“Dear, it is highly uncouth to hoard!” Rarity says, tossing her mane. “If you must hoard, you must organize, not place it wherever it happens to land!”
“Huh? Seriously, how did you guys get in here?” Rainbow blinks. “Wait, Rarity, do you hoard?”
“Um, I think I hear Sweetie Belle calling!” Rarity gallops out of the frame, and the sound of a door closing is heard.
Twilight looks around the room, as does the camera pony. “Wait, where’s Fluttershy?”
Pinkie giggles, still upside down. “She decided to help Applejack blow up her barn!”
“WHAT?!”
The screen quickly cuts to black as Rainbow starts growling and her eye starts twitching, and then to Sugarcube Corner.
“So, what’s the law part of the show?” somepony off-screen asks.
“Hm?” Pinkie Pie looks up from the cake she’s eating. “Oh, that’s when we go to court for trespassing!”
“Defense of the accused, do you have anything to say?”
The scene is now a courtroom, with many sleeping ponies. A bag of cement in a bowler hat sits next to Pinkie Pie, who puts a pair of glasses on it, then whistles innocently.
“Would you like to bring in any more witnesses?”
Pinkie discreetly makes the bag nod to the judge, who sighs.
“Call the next witness.” The judge leans back in her chair, her eyelids drooping.
“Law and Hoarder: coming soon to a TV near you,” a stallion’s voice says over a black screen.
“And courtroom!” Pinkie adds, standing in front of the words “Law and Hoarder” that has just appeared.
A light brown stallion with glasses, a dark brown mane and tail, and a propane tank cutie mark groaned as he looked away from the camera. As he turned around to stare at the camera, he forced a smile on his face.
"Howdy Arlen- I mean Ponyville!" He greeted with a wave. "Having trouble refueling your grills? Heater isn't working too well? Well, maybe you should switch to propane down at Strickland Propane!"
He moved aside, revealing a store with "Strickland Propane" written on a sign on top of the store.
"Propane has so many uses and is more clean burning and efficient, as compared to charcoal and butane; a bastard gas, may I add... Let's hear from some users."
The camera switches to another scene, revealing a very fat brown earth pony with no mane, and a chocolate cake cutie mark.
"I love Strickland Propane!" the pony said with a happy grin. "It's really useful and it heats my home up. I love Strickland Propane."
His grin suddenly vanished, replaced with a sorrowful sad face.
"Too bad my ex-wife doesn't love me as much I love propane..."
With tears in his eyes, he closed them and shouted at the top of his lungs:
"LLLEEEEENNNNOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEE-"
The camera cuts to an orange stallion with sunglasses, an orange hat, a brown mane and tail, and a fly swatter cutie mark.
"I love that place," the stallion says with a friendly smile. "I, Dale Gribble of 'Dale's Dead Bug', use it to fuel my devices so that I can easily kill animals very-"
He stops when he turns around, seeing a sad yellow pegasus with a pink mane and tail. Her eyes were brimming with tears. "Uh... Not animals, Fluttershy! I mean rats and mice and such!"
Her sad face grew with more sorrow.
"Wait! I use it to kill bugs! They're not animals!"
As Fluttershy let out a loud wail, Dale quickly ran to the camera. Immediately the camera switches to a handsome tan pegasus with a gold mane and tail and a musical note cutie mark.
"I tell ya what, Strickland dang ol' propane is that dang ol' recommended not that dang ol' Thatherton fuels, man whatever happened to him, and dang ol' Burt Reynolds voiced him, yo, now it's Toby Huss, who is he, yo, dang ol' Cotton's and Kahn's voice actor? Damn, yo. Dang ol' propane fuels my heater, something, grill, hot tub, jacuzzi, man, I tell ya wha-"
"THERE HE IS!!!"
The pegasus turned around, seeing a whole crowd mares, ranging from unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. Every single mare had a savage grin and a lustful desire in their hearts.
"HE'S MINE!"
"HAVE MY BABIES!"
"BE MINE FOREVER!"
The pegasus quickly turned to the camera with a nervous grin.
"Dang ol' more women, man. Sorry Gribble man, gotta stop rolling the tape, I tell ya what!"
He immediately bolted away, the mares furiously chasing after him. The camera switches to the light brown stallion from earlier.
"So head on down to Strickland Propane!" he said with a satisfied grin. "Taste the heat! Not the meat!"
As he heard whimpering, the stallion turned around, seeing Fluttershy about to cry.
"Uh, that's just a saying, Fluttershy. I mean, don't you have animals that eat other animals?"
"Uh, Hank?" Dale said from behind the camera. "She's not crying at you, she's still torn up about me."
As Fluttershy let out another loud wail, Hank facehooved as he let out another groan.
"Oh, god... And Dale, for the millionth time, stop wobbling the camera."
Princess Celestia stood on the stage of the Canterlot Academy of the Arts Theater, spotlights shining down on her clean, perfect coat and flowing mane.
"Hello, my little ponies. I'm Princess Celestia."
Another Celestia walked onto the stage. In contrast to the gilded, perfect Princess, this Celestia had a grey, filthy coat, a matted, rangy mane, hemp sandals, and a suede jacket. "And I'm Filthy Hippie Celestia."
Princess Celestia strode over to a plush, comfortable divan and laid down. "I have CelesTV."
Filthy Hippie Celestia tossed her shaggy, unkempt mane. "And I...don't have a TV."
Princess Celestia sipped a fine glass of cognac. "With CelesTV, you get twenty channels of the finest entertainment Equestria has to offer. Music, sports, comedy, drama..."
Filthy Hippie Celestia lit a joint. "I grow my own fun."
Princess Celestia took a delicate bite of a piece of rich, sumptuous red velvet cake. "Plus award-winning customer service and an outstanding record of customer satisfaction."
Filthy Hippie Celestia stared at her hoof. "I wonder what color I taste like."
Princess Celestia stood up. "Don't be like this me. Get CelesTV. It's television from the sun."
Dark clouds blocked the clear sky and coated the world with a grayish fog. Heavy rain fell upon the earth as a brown pegasus walked clumsily, his legs became sore from his endless traveling, his eyesight fading from the lack of rest, and his mind failing from the insanity that he was trying to stop. Even his black hair seemed to experience extreme discomfort.
As his eye twitched like a fire flickering, he fell to the ground, ignoring the pain inflicting to his body from the impact. His mind seemed to be in low power, probably because of the intense armageddon that is happening in his body. With his last remaining strength, he lifted up his head, sweat dripped from his forehead from the burning pain in his muscles.
After struggling to clear his eyesight, he saw nothing but more dirt forming into mud from the rain that refused to stop. A small tear formed in his eye and dropped to the wet dirt. He let out an involuntary whimper as he dropped to the ground, his faith is gone and desire for death appeared out of nowhere.
His shoulder felt a strange feeling. It was not of pain. It was something soft. He felt a soft touch in his shoulder. Lifting up his head for a bit, his eyes widen as he saw the most beautiful mare he had ever seen in his entire life. Despite the intense fog, she was glowing with a bright light. She had long golden hair that dangled from her shoulder. Her blue eyes stared at the fallen pegasus as her red glossy lips formed into a kind smile.
She placed both of her hooves on the pegasus's body and lifted him up from the mud. She placed his head on her chest, where he can feel her angelic heartbeat. As she turned around, the pegasus gasped at the sight he was seeing. He saw a bright light that suddenly appeared in the middle of the dirt-filled field. A handsome unicorn stood in front of the bright light, his dark hair glowing brightly. He smiled, his white teeth shining like the sun, as he signaled the mare to follow him.
As he walked inside the bright light, the mare followed him. The pegasus wondered where they were going. As she walked up to the bright light, it absorbed her and the pegasus. The pegasus could not see because of the shining light, yet he felt a strange and relaxing feeling in his body.
As the light dissolved, he opened his eyes to see a glorious sight: a room complete with a jukebox, two pool tables, six tables, and, best of all, a bar on the side filled with all sorts of liqueur, alcohol, and beer. The pegasus smiled widely, not feeling any pain from his grin. Slowly, the pain in his body disappeared and he felt a great amount of relief in his entire body.
A short Earth pony suddenly appeared and began to speak with a big smile on his face.
"So come on down to Paddy's Pub! Where-"
"GREENMAN!!!!"
The ponies immediately turned their attention to a pegasus dressed in a light green bodysuit that covered his whole body and face. He was bolting around the bar, knocking down everything in his sight.
"GODDAMNIT CHARLIE!!!!" The unicorn yelled as he slammed his hooves on his own face, ignoring the pain from the facehoof.
"I told you he was going to do it!" The mare shouted as she dropped the pegasus she was holding.
"OW! What the hell Dee?!" The pegasus yelled in pain as he fell to the ground.
"Oh shut up Mac!" The mare roared at the pegasus.
"Shut up Dee!" The unicorn screamed as he walked up to the mare.
"Shut up Dennis!" The mare spat back at the unicorn.
"Shut up Frank!" The green-outfitted pegasus barked at the short pony.
"I didn't say nothin'!" The short pony shouted at the green-outfitted pegasus.
As the ponies argued bitterly with each other, the short pony rubbed his temple with his hoof as he walked up to a camera that was adjusted on a wall.
"Ah screw this. We're done. Where's the record button? Ah, there it is. I had enough of this sh
Fluttershy's Center for Special-LOONY LUNA'S LOUDSPEAKERS
The TV wakes up out of its small break, unsure of why it's awake. It's the middle of the day. Doesn't this dragon have things to do? A mare to swoon? Gems to hoard? Something?!
In any case, the TV diligently displays a lovely little yellow cottage at the edge of a rather dark forest. Peeking outside the front door is a butter mare with straight pink hair, though one could hardly tell that as she barely made herself visible on camera.
"H...Hello..." She squeaked in a tone so low the TV's volume is adjusted immediately afterward. "M-My name is...Fluttershy and..." The volume increased further. "...this is my animal care center." Just two ticks below max volume now.
"If...If you have animals with special needs or...just need somepony to watch them for a few days, then I can watch them. So...if you have one and need to bring them somewhere...then-"
"WE CAN HELP!" The TV shook violently as its speakers strained to output the booming noise. The dragon watching the TV flew back into the shelves behind him. Books rattled off the shelves and clattered to the floor, and on the dragon, in a chaotic cluster.
On the TV, Fluttershy "Eep"ed and shut the door as a deep blue alicorn donning onyx regalia landed ceremoniously upon the grass just outside the cottage. She then turned toward the camera.
"GREETINGS! I am Princess Luna, and WE have a wonderful opportunity for YOU, citizens of Equestria!" In a small explosion of paper and hardbound covers, Spike leaped from the pile of books and fumbled with the volume controls. He lowered it a few ticks before Luna said, "Are you having troubles getting your small business off the ground? If so, then you need a BIG way to reach across the land, and WE can help with that! Observe!" Finally, the volume came down to just one tick at the end of Luna's announcement just as she approached Fluttershy's door.
After a few knocks, the door opened slightly. "O-Oh, hello, Princess Luna." Spike groaned, and turned up the volume again. "What brings you out here?" Fluttershy asked.
"WE came to help, Fluttershy! Now, what is it you are advertising?" The volume shot down again as Spike now had his thumb primed at the volume controls, set to raise and lower it as needed.
"I-It's nothing much. Just a care center for special needs animals."
"Excellent!" At that, Luna grabs Fluttershy's hoof and takes her out of her home, keeping her at her side and directly in front of the camera. Fluttershy wilted at her sudden spotlight appearance, and attempted to mask herself behind Luna's wing.
Luna remained unfazed, and began.
"HELLO, citizens of Equestria! Do you have an exotic creature in your custody that you know little to nothing about? Has your Orthos drooled a gallon or ten of slobber all over you, and you wish to have some time away from their flood of saliva?
"Or perhaps you have a lonely cockatrice that's stared at you once too many times at night, and assuming you're not turned to stone, you'd like that nasty habit of theirs broken in before you crumble under the pressure."
Luna flared her wings, revealing Fluttershy. "FEAR NO LONGER, citizens! For Fluttershy here--"
"Eep!" Fluttershy fell to the ground and covered her head with her hooves.
"--shall tackle these problems for you! She's handled them all! Manticores, Dragons, and even an unstable Draconequus! There's no creature she hasn't conquered!
"She'll tame your Ursas, major or minor! And Hydras? It doesn't matter how many heads there are--she'll handle them all at the same time!" Luna stopped, and looked down at the cowering mare now underneath her legs. "Won't you?"
Fluttershy peeked out from the gap in Luna's legs. "I-I'm not sure if I can handle that many--"
"Of course you can!" Luna reaffirmed. "This is a special needs animal clinic, and you must be prepared to satisfy all their needs!"
Fluttershy gulped. "A-All of them?"
"Every. Last. One," Luna stated with unabashed certainty.
"...I...I think this is a bad idea now."
Luna flashed a smile so bright it blinded the camera for a moment. "Nonsense! WE have faith in you, but more importantly, you should have faith in yourself! Believe in the you that believes in you!"
At first seeming greatly inspired by Luna's faith, Fluttershy tilted her head a moment later. "...wait, what does that even mean?"
"I have no idea!" Luna faced the camera again. "But she can do it! So come on down to Fluttershy's Special Needs Animal Clinic, where she'll give them the proper treatment they deserve!
Luna then pointed forward. "And while WE are at it, if YOU should find yourself in need of advertisement, seek out Luna's Loudspeakers TODAY!"
The advertisement ends with a large blue "Luna's Loudspeakers" logo, with tiny text below reading, "Now Hiring! Inquire by mail, shouting Luna's name, or in your dreams. Earmuffs optional, but probably mandatory."
And the TV fell silent once more. Spike breathed a sigh of relief before setting down the remote and nursing his sore thumb as he headed to the bathroom.
"Oh man, that commercial was intense! When's the next one?"
The screen flickers again and Spike watches as it shifts to a simple scene of Rainbow Dash sitting in an open field under the clear Ponyville skies.
Rainbow Dash smiles wide as she addresses the camera in front of her. “Hello Ponyville!” Rainbow Dash zips off and returns with a dark cloud. “Are you tired of getting your parades rained on?” she asks as she jumps on the cloud causing rain to come out of it. “Sick of wind ruining your picnics?” Rainbow Dash flaps her wings and the cloud rapidly flies off screen. “Exhausted with hail hitting your… uh… something…? If so, they come find Rainbow Dash…”
“Rainbow…!” a feminine voice calls out in the distance.
“… and for a small fee, I’ll make sure the skies are nice and clear for your foal’s cutecinceanera, your wedding, or any number of special events!”
“Rainbow…!” the voice calls out louder.
Rainbow grins wickedly. “Or maybe there’s an event you don’t want to go smoothly… Maybe a rival’s grand opening that could possibly be due for a snowstorm if the price is right? Or an obnoxious neighbor whose home could do with a little freak tornado accident?” Rainbow Dash flaps her wings hard a couple times as she continues to smile evilly.
“RAINBOW DASH!”
Rainbow Dash furrows her brow and looks off to the side. “Do you mind, Twilight?!” Rainbow Dash motions to the camera. “I’m in the middle of making a commercial here!”
Twilight angrily trots into view. “What’s this I hear about you sabotaging the weather?!”
Rainbow Dash stands on her hind legs and motions to herself with her forehooves. “Sabotage?! Me? I’m not sabotaging anything! I’m just running a booming weather control service!” Rainbow turns to the camera and winks. “And no one booms like Rainbow Dash!” Rainbow frowned suddenly and turned to Twilight. “Do you think that works as a catchphrase, or should I add ‘sonic’ in front of booms?”
“… Rainbow…” Twilight growls out angrily.
“… Or I can even say ‘sonic rainbooms!’” Rainbow Dash says as she waved a forehoof in an arc above her.
“RAINBOW!” Twilight says harshly. “Your job is to make the weather specifically as scheduled by the Mayor’s office! You can’t just fly around and randomly decide what the weather will be like from day to day!”
“What?!” Rainbow cries. “I’m not doing that at all! My clients are paying me to get the weather they need!”
“You’re… you’re selling out the weather conditions to the highest bidder?!” Twilight exclaims.
Rainbow Dash grins. “Also trying to tell the residents of Ponyville that if they want the weather what they expect it to be, they better come see me with a little… heh… incentive to make sure weather stays on schedule.”
Twilight stares at Rainbow in disbelief. “You’re also extorting the people of Ponyville?!”
“I prefer to think of it as marketing my skills as one of Equestria’s best weather ponies for a small fee… A fee that’s usually higher than what I get as a local weather pony. And hey! Why stop at Ponyville? I mean… I can get around pretty fast! Maybe there’s other cities that need my… heh… services.”
“…That’s appalling!” Twilight exclaims.
“Hey!” Rainbow replies. “If you got it, flaunt it!”
“THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO HOW THAT PHRASE IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!” Twilight snaps angrily. “What’s more, this is immoral and probably illegal.”
“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Twi!”
“You know what?” Twilight motions to herself. “I’m a princess and I’ve decided your actions are illegal! I demand you don’t participate in any—”
Rainbow Dash stuck out her tongue. “You have to catch me, first!” With that, the rainbow maned mare zooms up high into the clear skies around Ponyville.
“I…GET BACK HERE!” Twilight shouts upwards. “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!”
Suddenly, a shadow is cast from high overhead. It drifts over the ground towards Twilight and leaves her in the shade. Twilight eyes go wide just as a torrential downpour of rain drenches her mane, coat, and wings.
Twilight sighs and trudges off. “I’ll go get some bits…”
The ground suddenly brightens before Rainbow Dash zips back into view. “Another satisfied customer!”
“BUCK YOU!” Twilight shouts back from off screen.
Rainbow Dash looks back at the camera. “Just contact me, the one and only Rainbow Dash for all your weather needs!” Rainbow’s devilish smile returned. “If you don’t, who knows what the weather will actually be?”
Spike blinks a few times as Rainbow Dash bounces a few more catch phrases off the camera. “Huh… So that’s why Twilight came back drenched that day and grabbed a huge hoofful of bits… and also a book on turning inanimate objects into living beings that feed on the flesh of the living…” Spike strokes his chin with a claw. “I wonder how that worked out?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!”
Spike shoots up to his feet as he hears a scream from outside. He races out the door, and peers up into the sky.
“GET THEM OFF OF ME! GET THEM OFF OF ME!”
Spike watches as Rainbow Dash darts back and forth across the sky, apparently being swarmed by coins. One falls from her body and hits the ground with a small ‘tink’. Spike walks up to inspect it.
He lowers his face and peers at it. “Looks like a normal coin to me…” he says. He reaches out with a claw.
‘Chomp!’
The tiny coin suddenly jumps at the claw and clamps a set of teeth around it.
Spike recoils slightly, then slowly raises his claw in front of his face. As sharp as the tiny teeth on the small coin look, they aren’t doing much against his claw. Spike reaches out with his free claws and pinches the coin, pulling it off of the claw it was latched onto. The coin shifts and gnashed its teeth in Spike’s grip, but is unable to free itself
Spike shrugs, pops the coin into his mouth, and crunches down on the coin. “Hmmmm... It’s magically delicious!” he says. His eyes widened and his mouth breaks into a smile as he continues to chew. “Hey! Maybe I should try making my own coin cereal with Twilight… and I know just where to advertise it, too!”
“FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA!” Rainbow Dash shouts from above. “WHY ISN’T ANYPONY HELPING ME?!”
If a TV is on in an empty room, does it still make images? Does it still produce sound? I mean… if someone isn’t there to perceive the glow of the TV and the voices, sound effects, and music of the TV, do we really know they’re happening?
The answer is, of course, yes. I mean… I just said it was on, didn’t I? I mean… Wow. How do you think TVs work? Sure this is the magical land of Equestria, but this isn’t some magic TV that senses when it’s being observed. It’s just a regular TV currently showing a program to the room around it.
“Spike? SPIKE! Where are you?! Don’t tell me you’re still cooped up inside!”
And now it’s showing it to the purple alicorn that just walked in.
“Oh! The Public Access Channel.” Twilight says happily as she trots in front of the TV. She gives out a quiet sigh. “I really need to tell Spike not to leave the TV on when he’s done watching it.”
“Welcome back…” a diminutive voice says from the TV.
“Oh, this must be Fluttershy’s Animal Care show!” Twilight says as she sits on her haunches and begins to watch.
Fluttershy sits in the middle of her cottage and smiles a little sheepishly at the camera. “Did you all have fun learning about keeping vampiric jack-a-lopes as pets?”
“AHHHHHHHHHH!” A pegasus stallion with a dark gray coat, amber eyes and a short blue-silver mane and tale suddenly fly’s past Fluttershy's windows, a small horde of rabbits with antlers in pursuit. “KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!”
“I know I did!” Fluttershy continues to smile at the camera, either completely oblivious or simply ignoring the ruckus going on outside. She continues to talk to the camera, “Now pets come in all shapes in size… from the tiniest lady bug to big ol’ cuddly Elk. Today we’re learning about proper care for one of the bigger animals. In this case, a big, happy dog!” Fluttershy turns to her side. “Erm… You can come out now… if that’s okay with you…”
A bright yellow-colored mare with an orange mane and tail, emerald eyes, and three teddy bears for a cutie mark suddenly trudges into view with a leash tied around one of her forearms. At the end of the leash is a big, brown and white dog that’s easily the size of the mare herself. Its eyes dart around excitedly as it continually pants, a steady stream of drool coming off its tongue.
“Finally!” The mare exclaims. “This mutt just won’t leave me alone for a second. He’s always jumping on me and slobbering all over me!”
Fluttershy tenses slightly at the word ‘mutt’ be pushes on. “Erm… Well… establishing appropriate behavior between pet and owner is an important part of a working animal relationship… Maybe some obedience—”
The dog suddenly jumps up and places his front legs around its owner’s neck. It begins enthusiastically licking the yellow mare much to her chagrin.
“Down! DOWN!” the mare shouts as she tugs on the dogs leash and forces it to the ground.
The dog lowers itself onto its belly but continues to look up at the mare excitedly.
“Awwww…” Fluttershy utters. “He’s jus’ a big ol’ puppy, ain’t he?”
“PUPPY?!” The mare exclaims. “Lady, he’s a massive monster!”
Fluttershy flinches again. “Monster might be a bit harsh…” she says with a small smile. “He’s just showing you how much he loves you.” Fluttershy’s face lights up. “Maybe we can work on his obedience!”
“Great idea!” The mare says. “I’ll leave the dog with you, and you can deal with all his jumping and slobber while I get away from it all!”
“Le… leave the dog with me?” Fluttershy says in a slightly concerned voice. “Erm…well… I do also run a special needs program and pet watching program here… Uh… How long would your…erm… ‘break’ be?”
“Oh I don’t know… Maybe forever!”
“Fo-forever?”
The mare nods. “This thing has just gotten too big! Instead of me taking it out for walks, it takes me.”
The dog returns to excitedly jumping up and down on its owner and licks her face.
The mare angrily yanks at its leash. “Down, boy! DOWN!”
The dog returns to lying on its belly, its tail wagging excitedly.
Fluttershy looks at the animal then back at the mare. “Erm… um… well… I don’t think that’s such a good idea…”
“Oh, it’s not a good idea,” the mare says. “It’s a great idea!”
Fluttershy sighs, purses her lips and lets out a fluctuating whistle into in the air that reverberates around her cottage.
The dog sits up, places its muzzle in the air, and howls. The mare covers her ears. “Lady! What are yoooouuuu…” the mare stares at something off-screen and trails off as the very cottage seems to shake and a loud stomping noise is heard that’s getting louder and louder.
“Oh… oh my…” The mare utters as her eyes go wide and her jaw hangs agape.
A fully grown brown bear suddenly stomps into the room, it eyes the mare hungrily as its lower jaw hangs open revealing rows of large sharp teeth. Droll falls from its wide-open maw in thick globs onto the hardwood floor.
Fluttershy stares at the mare. “Mr. Bear doesn’t think that’s such a good idea, either.”
The mare shoots a nervous glance at Fluttershy then one at Mr. Bear, then another at Fluttershy. Her mouth still wide open, she laboriously forces her lips into a vaguely smile like shape. “Wouldn’t… wouldn’t want to upset Mr. Bear now, would we?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “You really don’t.”
“Well then…” The mare says as she turned and stares at the door with a desperate expression on her face. “I’ve suddenly decided to love my pet now unconditionally… forever… So it looks like I won’t need to leave it with you after all!”
The dog leaps up and starts licking its owners face again. This time the mare looks at it and forces a crooked smile onto her face even as that face is coated with a thick layer of doggy slobber.
Fluttershy smiles. “That’s okay, just as long as you’re committed to a healthy, and most of all, long relationship with your animal.”
“Oh… I’m committed, alright…” the mare grumbles as she trudges off towards the door to the cottage, tugging at the leash and collar attached to her massive dog. The dog licks the air next to Fluttershy before it’s dragged away.
Fluttershy watches pet and owner leave then turns to grin at the camera. “Remember everypony, a pet is a friend for life. Whether that’s its life or your life is entirely up to you.” She turns. “Right Mr. Bear?”
The bear lets out a small roar in agreement.
Fluttershy turns back towards the camera and gives it a slightly sheepish smile. “Join us next time when we explore why it’s maybe not such a great idea to own 500 cats…”
“Hey, Fluttershy?” a voice calls out from off-screen.
“Oh, why it’s Applejack!” Fluttershy says cheerfully. Fluttershy turns. “Hello Applejack, what brings you to my home this fine day? Do you have a farm animal that you need advice on taking care of?”
Applejack trots into view and shakes her head. “Nope! Everything is apple-keen at the farm!” she says with a smile.
Fluttershy purses her lips ever so slightly. “Er… Applejack? I think you meant ‘peachy-keen’.”
Applejack narrows her eyes. “I know what I said.”
Fluttershy swallows and takes a half-step back. “OH…erm… uh… then what… does bring you to my home…? If you don’t mind me asking, that is…”
“I got a letter back from Golden Delicious about being on your show here,” Applejack says.
“Oh?” Fluttershy says, her face lighting up. “That’s great! We’re filming right now! This will be a great segue to our next episode.”
“I’m not so sure about that…” Applejack says.
“Erm… oh… okay…” Fluttershy says. “Why…? What did Golden Delicious say?”
“She says you can have her cats over her dead body.”
Fluttershy went quiet for a beat then sighs. “Well, if that’s the way she wants this to go down…” She looked up at Mr. Bear. “Come on, Mr. Bear. We better get some train tickets.”
Applejack simply stands in place for a bit, then her eyes go wide. “Now hold on here a minute!” she protests.
Fluttershy trots up to the camera, and the picture suddenly shifts towards the hardwood floor that moves underneath. Eventually the wood changes to steps, then ground as Applejack’s voice continues to call out.
“Fluttershy! Fluttershy! You get back here with that bear, ya hear?! Fluttershy!”
The picture suddenly blinks out replaced by static.
Twilight shakes her head and sighs. “I really need to explain my friends the value of editing something before giving it to the channel… and also maybe the value of not threatening ponies with a bear mauling…”
"Ah can't believe Granny bought one o' these things! Don't she know our budget's tight this year?!"
Sitting on a small oaken stand on an oak floor in an oakwood house, a small TV with tiny antennae sticking out of it flickered to life as an orange hoof turned the power/volume dial on.
"Well, at least it works. That's a first comin' from those two-bit varmints."
An old, seasoned voice called from upstairs. "AJ, where's my anti-aging jam?"
Applejack sighed. "Granny, first, it's anti-aging cream. Second, have ye checked your vanity drawer?"
"Sure I have...uh...what's a vanity?"
She groaned and rolled her eyes. "It's the big mirror-desk thing I got from Rarity last week! Right next to your dresser!"
"Ah see it now! Thanks!" Granny stated in a way that somehow made the vanity something impossible to spot right away.
Applejack shook her head. Granny Smith couldn't find a needle in a haystack...or even in her sewing kit. Oh, but Applejack had always found them...just not in a pleasant way.
Applejack placed her hoof to the channel dial and turned it. TV static persisted for a few clicks before she found the one channel that worked: Ponyville Public Access.
Just as the TV screen came to life, said two-bit varmints, dressed in their striped candy-cane vests and straw hats, stood in front of a carnival tent.
"Aw no. What're those two sellin' now?"
Just as that question left her lips, Flim and Flam began their advertisement by dragging an old, shaky red mare with white hair onscreen.
"Hello, kind madam! You look a spot older than the dirt we're standing on!" Flam said.
"Oh, much older than that, brother of mine! How old are you, my dear?" Flim asked.
The startled mare swallowed. "Oh, uh, well, I'm jus' a bit over f-"
"Well, fear not! Your age doesn't matter to us!" Flam declared.
"Not at all! You could be thirty--"
"--two-hundred--"
"--or even a thousand! We don't care! And do you know why that is?"
"Well, no, bu-"
"We'll tell you why!" Flim left the scene for a moment before bringing back a green chalkboard. The front of it had a rather decently drawn image of the old mare on one side and an arrow leading from the old mare to a much younger, sexier mare.
"We of Flim Flam Brothers Inc. have discovered a stupendous--"
"--revolutionary--"
"--life-changing solution to the problem of aging, even if your face ages to the point where no one can tell the difference between it and the bark of an apple tree!"
"HEY!" Applejack shouted at the TV. "That ain't right!"
Flam continued, "Tell us, miss. Wouldn't you like to look as gorgeous as you were when you were at your prime?"
The old mare blushed a bit. "Well, I can't say that I haven't had daydreams about looking like that from time to time."
"Well, dream no more!" Flim cried out as he drew a small jar over the arrow leading from the wrinkled face to the young face, then producing said jar in another hoof. "For once you've tried applying some of Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam, you'll never have to worry about looking old ever again!"
The camera zoomed in on the jar in Flim's hoof, prominently displaying Flim and Flam's faces around the words "Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam!" before zooming back out to Flam holding the jar as the old mare sat on a stool.
"Are you ready, my dear?"
The old mare nodded, and Flam brought a hoof to the lid. He strained a bit to unscrew the lid, even turning away from the camera. He shook it in an up and down motion for a short period of time before a 'Pop' and a satisfied "Aaaaah" escaped his lips before he turned back to the camera.
He reached into the jar and got a decent portion of a white gooey substance on his hoof. Rubbing it into the mare's face with vigorous motions, even stretching out her face at some intervals, he spent a good thirty seconds applying the Youthful Jam before removing his hooves and placing a towel over her face.
"After applying the jam vigorously, place a warm soaked towel over your face. Let it sit for about a minute, but no longer than that!" Flam explained.
"And while she waits for our 'secret ingredient' to take effect..." Applejack blinked at how drawn out the mentioning of the ingredient was. The seductive tone of his voice didn't ease her concerns. "...if you're not convinced yet, just take a look at our first--and only--compelling testimonial!"
The scene cuts to inside the tent, where a very familiar face--
"GRANNY?!"
...was unmistakably Granny Smith, although she looked as young as she did back when Ponyville was founded. Applejack's jaw hit the floor at the sight.
But what seemed more jarring was her voice didn't change. "I'll admit it, I was very suspicious of these young'uns when they came to me yesterday, 'specially after that phony tonic incident.
"However, after just one use o' their fancy Youth Jam, I look just like I did in my old photos! I couldn't believe it at first, but let me tell you, the boys in town were givin’ me the nasty look like ye wouldn't believe!"
Applejack shook her head. No wonder she hadn't seen Granny around the house all that often the past week.
The screen changed back to the old mare in the stool, towel still over her head.
"Well, that minute's up, so it's time for the big reveal!" Flam said with flair as he gestured to Flim and the mare. In a flash of white, Flim flung the towel away, revealing the face of a mare about Applejack's age in appearance. In all honesty, she looked like a scrumptious red velvet cupcake.
Flim pulled out a mirror and held it up to her face, and Ms. Velvet gasped. "I...oh my goodness! Is that me?"
"It sure is, my dear!"
"Ah can't believe it," Applejack responded.
"Believe it!" Flam's face took up the screen. "You've seen it firsthoof here, folks, so buy it now before it's all gone! Trust me, we've got tons of the stuff!"
Suddenly, Flim asked offscreen, "What? But we've just started making it since last week! And...uh...our supplier is a bit sore at the mome-"
"Like I said, we have it in stock! And if we don't, we'll make it on the spot!"
"But-"
"On. The. Spot," Flam spoke through gritted teeth. "So buy Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam now!"
The commercial ends with a close-up of the jar again. "Flim and Flam's Youthful Jam! Why be a wrinkly prune when you can look like a juicy plum?"
As the commercial came to a close, Applejack turned off the TV in a mild daze. There was no way she missed that last bit of their commercial, and deep down, she had a very good suspicion as to what their secret ingredient was in their cream.
And if Granny willingly put that on her face--
"Applejack! I still can't find my Youth Jam! You didn't take it or anything, did you?"
"NO AH DID NOT!" Applejack yelled.
"Well, who did then?" Granny asked.
Applejack froze. She didn't even know about the cream until just now, and there was no way Big Mac would ever dabble in makeup. That left--
"Abbajack?" A tiny pale yellow filly stumbled into the room, barely keeping her balance due to the large red bow on her head.
"A-Apple Bloom?! You...you didn't use Granny's cream, did you?"
Apple Bloom fidgeted on the floor. "M-Maybe a widdle...for five meenits."
Applejack remained silent. One could hear the gears in her head whirring and grinding as voilently as her grinding teeth as she carefully processed everything that happened in the past few minutes as calmly and rationally as she could.
Far, far away from the Apple Family Orchard, two ponies in a carnival tent had just finished capping off yet another jar of Youthful Jam, an oddly musky scent permeating the air. One of which was visibly and audibly exhausted, sitting on a stool.
"Huff...huff...Flam, please tell me we're done making Jam for at least a week."
Flam counted the multiple jars of jam in front of him, and smiled. "Flim, I think we're set for a while. You can take a rest n-"
Suddenly, both brothers heard a scream. It started barely audible, but rose higher and higher as time passed by.
"...Flam, do you hear that?"
"I feel that."
"I have a sudden need to flee for my life. Should we pack up and--"
“For the last time, Spike, NO!” Twilight shouts as Spike follows close behind her, pestering her as the two walks through her crystalline castle.
“Come on, Twilight! This is important to me!”
“Spike, no!” Twilight repeats. “There is just so much wrong with what you’re proposing! I can’t even decide if I should first bring up the economic implications or the idea that you’re literally trying to market a food item that attacks ponies!”
“But it tastes so good!” Spike says. “What gives you the right to deny Equestria of what could possibly be a staple of breakfast for everypony?”
Twilight rolls her eyes. “Well… Ignoring the fact that bits have no nutritional value. I’m both a princess and possibly the only pony who knows the spell to turn inanimate objects into fresh craving beasts. So there! Those two things give me the right!”
Spike sighs heavily as he folds his arms across his chest and shot a sullen look at a random wall.
‘BOOOOM!’
Twilight pauses as the sound of an explosion erupts from down the hall. “What was that?”
“It came from—” Spike points dramatically with a claw “—over there!”
Twilight glances down at Spike. “That was some pretty dramatic pointing…”
Spike smiles. “Thanks, I’ve been practice—” Spike was suddenly cut off as a purple glow envelops him and Twilight levitates him onto her back “—WHOAOAOOOAAAAAHHH!”
Soon both where in the TV room, staring at the screen.
Iron Will stands amongst a scene of complete devastation. Standing in front of a scorched brick wall, the ground about him is blackened and burnt, and a couple of trees on either side of him were on fire.
“THAT’S RIGHT!” Iron Will shouts at the screen. “DRINK ONE BOTTLE OF IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU CAN DO THIS!” Iron Will punches the wall behind him, and in a fiery explosion, bricks fly in all directions. As the smoke clears a number of goats all wearing lab coats can be seen past the wall. Some check clipboards and others inspect beakers and test tubes full of bright-colored liquids.
Iron Will holds up a small glass bottle and motions to it with his other hand. “IRON WILL'S QUECHOLOGISTS HAVE FIT MORE CAFFEINE INTO THIS BOTTLE THAN WAS THOUGHT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE BY THE LAWS OF VOLUME AND PRESSURE! THEN WE ADDED A BUNCH OF OTHER ENERGY ENHANCERS JUST TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!”
Behind Iron will, a goat carefully applies a droplet of a light blue liquid to a yellow liquid which responds by shooting flames into the goats face. With frantic bleats, it runs about the lab as flames shot up from the hair around its face.
Iron Will quickly shifts position so he’s blocking the view of the fiery goat. “COMPLETELY NORMAL AND SAFE REACTION, I ASSURE YOU!”
The camera follows Iron Will as he walks away from the building revealing a public park. Ponies peer from around trees and benches, fear in their eyes as Iron Will approaches.
“DRINK TWO BOTTLE OF IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU CAN DO THIS!”
Iron Will grabs the top of the bottle in his hand and quickly rips the neck off, discarding the broken glass into a garbage can that that explodes and falls sideways. A green pegasus that was hiding behind the garbage screams and takes flight as black smoke trails follows it.
Iron Will tilts his head straight back, opens his mouth wide, and pours a neon yellow liquid directly into his mouth. Finished, he tosses the bottle off screen causing another explosion and another scream.
Iron Will spreads his legs out and throws his arms into the air.
“EXPLOOOOOOSIOOOOOONS!”
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
Multiple explosions suddenly rocks the park. Ponies flee in all directions as trees, benches, and the ground itself erupts in fiery blasts.
Iron Will points at the camera.
“DRINK IRON WILL QUENCHER AND YOU’LL HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY YOU’LL WANT TO COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST NATURE!”
“YOU’LL FEEL AN UNNATURAL COMPULSION TO GO OUT AND ASSAULT NATURE!”
“YOU WILL LITERALLY LEAVE YOUR HOUSE TO GO OUT AND BEAT UP NATURE!”
“ORDER A CASE NOW AND YOU’LL GET A FREE CASE OF IRON SPICE ANTIPERSPIRANT!”
Iron Will motions to the sky. A crate suddenly falls to the ground, exploding in a fiery blast that shots antiperspirant sticks in all directions. Iron Will snatches one from the air and bites down on the lid, chewing it and swallowing it before he applies a liberal amount of the antiperspirant to his armpits.
“YOU’LL SMELL AS FRESH AS A GOAT AND EVERY TIME YOU FLEX THE SURROUNDINGS AROUND YOU WILL EXPLODE!”
To demonstrate, Iron Will flexes his biceps and two large explosions suddenly rocks the area next to him, leaving two large craters that flanks the minotaur.
“PUT IRON WILL QUENCHER IN YOUR MOUTH AND APPLY IRON SPICE ANTIPERSPIRANT TO YOUR FILTHY BODY! EXPLODE EVERYTHING BEFORE IT EXPLODES YOU!”
Twilight cocks an eyebrow as her mouth hangs open in a seemingly permanent look of complete befuddlement. “… Since when is smelling like a goat a selling point for anything?!”
“Twilight, I need that antiperspirant!” Spike announces with a serious look on his face.
Twilight smacks a hoof against her face. “Spike, you don’t even sweat.”
Spike frowns. “Okay… but how about the energy drink?”
“Spike, you get hyper off a single cola and already breath fire! There’s no way in Tartarus I’m giving you so much caffine! That’d almost be as bad as Pinkie—”
“DIE, GRASS, DIE!”
Twilight and Spike freeze in place as they hear a familiar high pitched voice waft up to the castle window from the ground below.
‘BOOOOOM!’
“It’s coming from—” Spike dramatically points at a window “—outside!” he gulps and turns towards Twilight. “We’re done for, aren’t we?”
Twilight nods as the castle shook around her and Spike. “Yep,” she says simply as she trots out of the room.
Spike follows, puffing out his lower lip and his eyes began to tear up. “And I never got to market my cereal…”
Twilight tightens her brow and let out an annoyed “UUUUUUGGGHHHH!” She turns to Spike. “Look, if we live, I’ll help you make your stupid cereal!”
Spike pumps a fist into the air. “YES!”
“DIE, OTHER FAUNA!” Pinkie screams.
‘BOOOOOM!’
“Remember! If we live!” Twilight says.
“Yeah, yeah…” Spike says dismissively as he and Twilight continues to walk down the hall.
The two made their way past the large double doors of the castle and approaches Pinkie as she continues blowing up nature.
“Pinkie!” Twilight shouts. “What are you doing?!”
“Well d’uuuuh!” Pinkie answers. “I’m blowing up nature! I mean… the author just typed that right before you asked me!”
“But why?!” Twilight asks.
Pinkie grins. “I drank a bunch of IRON WILL QUENCHER!” Pinkie says, screaming the name of the product as if this was somehow customary.“Now I have an overwhelming desire to explode trees and grass and stuff! Also I currently smell like ten goats! So I have that going for me!” Pinkie suddenly shifts her focus to a single blade of grass. With a twitch of an eyebrow, it bursts into flame.
“Pinkie!” Twilight cries. “I know you’ve probable got some energy to burn off, but you can’t explode my lawn!”
Pinkie turns and Twilight and Spike recoil. Instead of the usually receptive and at least semi-understanding look the mare would usually give them, they get a face that was contorted in anger.
“NO ONE TELLS IRON WILL QUENCHER POWERED PINKIE PIE WHAT TO DO! I’M GOING TO THROW YOUR WHOLE DANG CASTLE INTO SPACE!”
Spike leans in close to Twilight as a positions a hand to block the sound of his voice. “Do you think she can…? I mean… it’s a big castle…”
“It’s Pinkie and she’s hyped up on caffeine and whatever elseis in that drink!” Twilight answers. “Who knows what she’s capable of!?”
Pinkie began to gallop for the castle. “I HOPE YOU HAVE A SPELL THAT LETS YOU BREATH IN A VACUUM, ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE ALL YOUR BOOKS ARE GOING TO BE!”
“AAHHH!” Twilight exclaims. Her horn suddenly glows purple and Pinkie soon finds herself airborne mere inches from the base of Twilight and Spike’s crystalline tree home.
Pinkie flails her forelegs in front of her as she tries to reach for the castle, however Twilight levitates the pink mare away from the castle and turns Pinkie around.
“LET ME GO!” Pinkie commands. “BY ALL THE POWER OF THE GOATS I SMELL LIKE, I WILL EXPLODE YOU IF YOU DON’T LET ME GO!”
“Pinkie!” Twilight says. “You need to calm down! You could hurt somepony!”
“Oh, I’ll do more than that!” Pinkie flexes an arm and the ground next to Twilight suddenly erupts in a fiery blast.
Twilight jumps slightly to her right as her ears stand straight up and her wings unfold slightly from her sides, held in a position that looks just as tense as the rest of her body. Clumps of dirt and grass fall around and on top of her as she stares into the new hole in the ground.
“Phew…” Spike utters. “That was close… but you got this right?”
Twilight looks up at Pinkie. “Spike… I’ve stood toe to toe with ancient rulers of Equestria twists by dark magic, giant’s beasts that could breathe fire or crush me easily underfoot, villains overflowing with magical energy, and even a god.” She turns and gave Spike a serious look. “I have never been more scars for my life than I am right now.”
Pinkie rears her head back and flings her limbs out. “EXPLOOOOOOSIOOOOOONS!”
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
‘BOOOOM!’
“AHHHHHHH!” Spike shouts as fiery explosions erupt all about him and Twilight.
Spike makes a mad dash for Ponyville as the remains of the castle lawn fall around him, Twilight’s words following him as he put some distance between her and the mad-pony hyped up on caffeine.
The TV awakens from a thirty minute slumber, much to its dismay. It was having a rather nice dream, filled with static, sitcoms, and general silliness. But a certain egg-white princess decides she wants to enjoy some late-night viewing on her lounge chair. She even has a cupcake on one of those dainty little frilly plates!
The screen shows Sugarcube Corner, but at nighttime with one or two lights emitting from the windows.
"Psst! Hey, you!"
The camera pans around the intersection. Nothing to see except for more buildings with lights on tonight.
"You, with the camera!"
The camera refocuses on Sugarcube Corner, this time to a small alleyway nearby where the voice is coming from. In the darkness, two blue eyes and a lock of curly pink hair barely lit by the moonlight are visible.
"Yeah, you! Come here!" A pink hoof gestures to come hither as it and the previously mentioned features disappear into the alleyway. The camera wobbles a bit, much in the way of a shrug, then moves toward the alleyway.
As Celestia watches, the cupcake levitates off the plate as she takes a small, dainty bite. A few crumbs land on her flowing--yes, flowing--robe. They will not stay there long, not if she can do something about it.
At the alley entrance, the eyes are visible again, as is the pink pony who owns them. She wears a thick tan overcoat and a tan fedora, much in the way of a shady neighborhood watch guy on one of those street signs...wait, do those still exist?
"Were you followed?" The camera shakes from side to side. She narrows her eyes. "Are you suuure?" An affirming nod.
At that, she flicks a switch, and a bright pink stand lights up, courtesy of two hanging spotlights, displaying all sorts of sugars in bowls, glass containers and plastic bags tied neatly in different color ribbons. She flings off her coat and hat, revealing her bright pink body and impossibly curly mane and tail.
"Well, welcome to Pinkie Pie's Sugarcube Shakedown! I can see that you're in the need for some sugar, my friend." The camera yanks forward suddenly, getting a closer look at all the sugars on the stand.
Celestia takes another bite. Oh, the sweet, sweet sugar! She loves it. And there's an ad about selling sugar on, so it's like a twofer!
"What kind of sugar are you looking for? We got--" the camera zips over to three bowls of sugar "--granulated sugar, powdered sugar, and even that kinda-sticky-super-bricky brown sugar!" She pulls out a chunk of the brown sugar. "See? Stays together like this so you can take it anywhere! It's also a good stress reliever if you chuck it at a wall!" Suddenly, Pinkie chucks the brown sugar at a brick wall to the side. The sugar chunk breaks on contact, but not without leaving a dent in the wall. "Er... just be careful your wall can handle it."
Aw, that was a good chunk of sugar. Could've made a fantastic cake, Celestia muses as the cupcake comes in close for another tantalizing bite.
"Or. OR! Maybe you're looking for something colorful!" The camera jerks again to the display of plastic bags, each bag filled with different colors of sugars, some of which containing the whole spectrum. "Well, I've also got every color of sugar you're looking for. Roy G. Biv, greyscale, complements, even the impossible ones!" She points to a bag filled with an impossibly dark blue bag of sugar. "This one is Luna's favorite, but don't tell anyone. You have no idea how many are pining for a taste of her sugar."
Celestia's eyes widen, and the cupcake falls to the floor in a mess of frosting and cake crumbs. Then she calmly gets up from her lounge chair, and leaves the room.
The TV soldiers on all the same. "But no, I can see you are a colt of class. You've got some refined tastes, so maybe you're looking for something just as classy as you are. I like that."
Darting behind her stand of sugar, Pinkie fetches a large bowl-shaped object hidden under a piece of frilly cloth, and places it on the stand. "Now THIS is special! Super-duper-wooper-blooper special! You won't find this anywhere else in Equestria ever!" Then in a dark tone she adds, "I guarantee it."
Lifting the cloth off ever so gently, Pinkie reveals an ornate wooden bowl. Inside it? Sugarcubes. A big ol' pile of sugarcubes. Off to the side of the camera, a small trickle of drool is visible.
"I knew it. You like sugarcubes, don't you?" The camera bobs up and down, much to Pinkie's glee and excitement. “Well, these are the finest, perfectly crafted, melt-in-your-mouth delicious sugarcubes you didn’t know you dreamed about! Yours truly spent months figuring out the secret to making them, and you don’t want to know the price I paid to get these right.”
“UNHOOF ME, SISTER!”
Pulled in by the ear, Luna’s hooves screech against the marble flooring, the sound only stopping when Celestia hit carpet.
“Not until you tell me where your sugar is!” Celestia cries in desperation, eyes shrunk to pinpricks.
“But we don’t have any!” Luna’s pleading eyes met her sister’s, begging that she see she tells the truth, but Celestia would not have it.
“Luna, I’m warning you. Tell me where your sugar is right now, or I swear I’ll chuck you to the moon!”
“You can’t--wait, you can actually do that?”
Celestia flashes a wicked grin. “I practiced with Cadance. How do you think she learned to fly?”
Luna’s eyes widen as Celestia continues dragging her to the balcony, where her moon lit up the night sky.
“Last chance, Luna. Sugar. Give it now, please.”
“Celestia, sister, I’m sorry, but I don--”
In a fluid motion, Celestia grips Luna with both hooves, aims at the moon, and chucks. Unfortunately, Luna’s wings flare out immediately, breaking what could have been a crash landing for a millenium on a cosmic entity. Again.
Instead, wings flailing about uselessly, Luna flies off into the night, vanishing amid the mountains and trees in the background. Celestia, angry at her lack of sugar, stomps back to the lounge chair. Yet as Luna's scream fades off in the distance, that anger switches over to regret soon enough.
“...I probably shouldn’t have chucked her,” she says in a tone that carries sincerity and a tinge of disappointment. “But she’ll be fine. I mean, it’s not like I actually sent her to the moon again, right?” she asks to nobody in particular.
The commercial on the TV continues onward, and Celestia watches. Perhaps that will take her mind off the events that transpired less than a minute ago.
“So, have I convinced you to get this sugar?” Pinkie asks as if she had spent the past minute whispering sweet, sweet nothings into the camera carrier’s ear...which she totally did. But the narrator was too distracted by Celestia chucking Luna, so you missed it. Boo to him; he’s such a jerk.
The camera bobs up and down, then shakes a bit as a bag of bits is fished out from an unseen saddlebag. Pinkie’s eyes light up like the night sky at the sight of the bits, then freezes as her tail twitches uncontrollably. Her head darts up, seemingly looking for something. The camera also tilts up, and sees said night sky, which looks just wonderful as the stars blink and twinkle, the moon casts a warm white glow from above, and the Moon Princess is falling down at barely controlled speeds…wait, what was that last one?
‘CRASH’
In a crater just outside the alleyway, Luna ‘gracefully’ lands on the main road of Ponyville right next to sugarcube corner. As she rises to her hooves, a few bits of dirt and gravel hover around her menacingly as she glares up at Canterlot Castle.
“Oh hi Princess Luna!” Pinkie calls to her, and Luna turns her head. “Would you like to buy some sugar?”
Luna tilts her head as she notices the lit-up bowls and bags of sugar. A similar wicked grin not unlike her sister’s forms on her face. “Why yes, I would. A brick of brown and that bag of lovely stygian sugar, if you please,” she requests as a hoofful of bits levitates from her hidden coinpurse (don’t ask where).
“Ooh ooh, a twofer!” Pinkie happily assembles her order, quick as a flash, then gives it to Luna. “Are you baking something, Princess?”
The smile does not fade as she glares at the camera. “Yes...I’m baking a delicious cake...for me. And Celestia's going to watch me eat it.”
Dread shakes Celestia’s body as Luna stares at the camera. Her cakes are to die for, but to deny her even a measly morsel?! That's...that's monstrous!
"And then, once I'm done, I'll destroy it so my sister shall never have a crumb of it to savor. Do you hear me, Celestia?! MY CAKE WILL BURN!"
NO! Celestia breaks away from the TV, and scrambles for a spot to hide. She will not be a witness to such slaughter of sweets!
“And Tia, if I find you under your bed again, you’re just going to make this easy.”
Celestia crawls out from under the bed, dashes through the door, and flies, FLIES for some other hiding spot in the castle that is absolutely NOT under her bed.
As Luna flies off into the night toward Canterlot, the camera focuses again on Pinkie, counting her bits with the excitement of a child counting chocolate coins. She's even biting a few too!
"Another satisfied customer--oh, almost forgot about you! Here's your sugar cubes!" She hands the cameracolt a bag full of dime bags of sugar cubes, then leans in and says, "Don't eat them all in one place. And remember to stop by Sugarcube Shakedown for all your sugary needs!" At that, the camera bounds away happily, as does its carrier with a bag of tasty sugarcubes in tow.
The TV continues its broadcast of the odd camera-mounted pony. Its lone viewer is long gone from the room, probably hiding in a broom closet somewhere in the castle. She's safe, the TV thinks. Definitely.
But a flap of wings and onyx slippers touching the ground set a grim reminder for what is to come.
Spike tosses a clawful of popcorn into his mouth and scratches his stomach. On the screen, a light purple unicorn mare with a dark purple mane with aquamarine streaks stands before the camera, smiling placidly.
"Hello," she says pleasantly, "my name is Starlight Glimmer, and I would like to take a moment of your time to talk about equal rights.
"In recent years, ponies have displayed an alarming indifference to the plight of equal rights. It has been my lifelong mission, as an equal rights activist, to raise awareness of the very real social crisis facing all of Equestria: the total absence of equal rights in our great pony nation.
"What can be more important, I ask you, than being equal to your fellow pony? All ponies are equal in my eyes, and all ponies should be equal in your eyes. Wouldn't Equestria be a much better place, free of the stress and chaos of everyday life, if all ponies were equal?"
Starlight Glimmer turns her flank to the camera, showing a plain black equal sign for her Cutie Mark. "And that, my fellow ponies, is why I'm here today. To spread the message of equal rights for all. I firmly believe that all ponies--Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, and even alicorns--have the right to have a black equal sign branded on their flank. Only through the indiscriminate branding of equal signs on pony flanks--and maybe a little light brainwashing--can all ponies become truly equal..."
Spike blinks repeatedly, then puts down the remote. "Uhh...Twilight? This...might be something you want to look into..."
Spike walks into the Castles ‘TV room’, then slumps down on a large purple couch. He turns on the TV as a commercial begins. He mumbles, "These commercials are always stupid, either being illegal in some way, or making no sense at all!"
A loud voice yells from the TV "YOU HUNGRY!? Then come on down to Tex's Taco Factory, the best-and only- taco place in town!" Spike turns to the TV which is showing a yellow pony with a red and yellow striped mane with a taco cutie mark. The screen changes to huge yellow letters that spell out "TEX'S TACO FACTORY!" over a taco with many condiments on it.
The screen changes to a room with a glass window taking up most of the back wall. Tex walks in and says, "I'm Taco Tex, and this is my Taco Factory! Here we only use the most natural ingredients in our Tacos!"
A pony in a taco costume walks by dragging a vat of some liquid. The pony asks, "Hey boss! Where do I put this vat of artificial flavoring!?"
Tex freezes up as the pony talks, then yells, "YOU IDIOT, I'M FILMING A COMMERCIAL!!"
The pony, flinching at his bosses anger. "Boss, all I wanna know if I put it next to the plastic taco shells or the-"
"CUT!!!" Tex yells as the camera flashes to another scene.
Tex looks at the camera with a slightly forced smile. "We have many condiments that can change the flavor of your taco!" He walks past several signs, reading what they say as he goes by, "Sweet Apple, Rainboom Shock, Zebra Brew, Magic Light, Party Vibe, Discord Combo, and Iron Halapenos-"
Tex is cut off by a huge explosion coming from one of the signs. "WHY DID THE IRON HALAPENOS SIGN EXPLODE!?" he yells in anger.
A voice responds in an extremely afraid tone, "I don't know, it just did!"
Still angry, Tex yells, "ARGHHHH! WHY ARE YOU FILMING-" The screen flashes to another scene before Tex can rant onscreen.
Tex reappears with slightly disheveled hair, his smile looking faker then ever. He stands in front of an image of the Taco Factory logo. "So come on down to Tex's Taco Factory, and eat our SUPER healthy and totally NOT illegal tac-" A door is knocked down next to Tex, the pony flinching from the sound. "What now?" Tex mumbles, clearly annoyed.
A mare with a blue mane and grey fur in a prison jumpsuit bursts in, holding a crossbow complete with scope and plenty of spare bolts affixed to it.
Tex begins to fidget nervously. "W-who are you a-and what a-are you d-doing here!?"
The mare frowns. "My name is Single Army, and I am here to reveal your dark secrets!" She glares at Tex. "You've been using highly illegal slave labor to make your tacos.!"
Tex begins to stammer, "Pa-preposterous! Although m-my ta-tacos aren't the healthiest, I-I don't use slave labor!"
Single Army growls, clearly angered. "Yes, you do! And you're planning to take over Equestria with an army of mutant tacos and taco zombies! And I TOOK PICTURES!" She whips out a set of photos and shows the camera.
First, a picture of several ponies in prison jumpsuits similar to Single Army's, being forced to squirt condiments into plastic taco shells. Then, a picture of odd Diamond Dog like creatures made of taco shells and salsa, and a huge dragon shaped one surrounding the prisoners. Then, those same prisoners with a brain dead look in their eyes, eating odd looking tacos.
Tex’s tone turns extremely frightened, "N-now, that may be I-incriminating evidence, but it's not like I'm an evil interdimentional monster!"
Single Army stared at him for a second before saying "That's exactly what you are."
Tex, with false calmness, laughs for a few seconds. “Ha! Hahaha! How are you so sure of that, huh?"
Single Army grins. "I'm sure, because I've never seen you eat....or blink."
Tex stares at her for a second, before frowning. "Oh.....” He begins to shake as if going to explode. He began to speak, his voice distorting "sO.... YoU FigURed mE OUt....BuT nOW...YOu Sh@Ll NEvEr EsC@PE! I @M TeXoliUs!" His body explodes into black gas, which soon curves inward. When the gas clears, a huge taco with thousands of eyes and huge tentacles made of condiments. "#€\£<€}{€~*#+_£~'>}>~^{>\€#{!!!!!!" Gibberish sounds from Texolius's body as he begins to attack Single Army.
Single Army begins shooting Texolius with her crossbow, its bolts rapidly hitting home and piercing the monster’s eyes.
"#{%>}*{>#%|<{+}*#>{%!!!!!!!!^}><^{>~^~>{!" The beast roars in pain.
Single Army turns to the camera, then says, "So kids, don't eat at Tex's Taco Factory, because the owner is an evil monster! NOW, DIE MONSTER!" Single Army dodges a falling tentacle, which slams into the camera. The screen is flooded with static.
Spike stares at the TV, it having changed to a picture of Derpy with a broken wall behind her, with the words "We just don't know went wrong!" below her. Spike gets up, walks over to the door, announcing "I'm gonna go lock myself in the cellar until Texolius is defeated." He closes the door behind him, leaving the TV on.
Twilight walks into the room. "Spike, do you have those papers so I can sue Iron Will on account of giving Pinkie Pie caffeine?" She looks around. "Spike?"
Spike moans as the horrid racket of static lets out another earsplitting noise of torture before quickly being replaced with another example of tremendous advertising dribble.
A stallion has his sleeping head resting on a table, a strand of saliva—representing his utter lack of energy for the world—lazily pouring out of his mouth.
“DAD,” a shrieking voice like that of a thousand banshee wails reverberates from off the screen.
At this, the stallion’s head shoots up from its spot, the ribbon of drool whipping away from his face. His eyes open to reveal the aftermath of a string of abhorrent events that lead to red cracks.
A small filly enters the scene, her demeanor emitting the usual youthful decorum of little monster of hyper activeness. “Dad,” she bellows at the top of her lungs again, “can we go to the park?”
His response is a guttural sound that can be associated with the garbled noise of dying walruses.
“Honey,” the voice of a mare appears, as well as the figure of one. She continues with the grace of a plaguing superior. “You said you were going to clean up the backyard, and last time I checked, it’s still dirty.”
The eyes of the stallion begin to slowly wander in their own directions, frenzied insects without their antennae.
“Hey, bud,” another trespassing disease pops his head into the scene, “you promised you’d help me replace my window today after you broke it with that fishing pole.”
Left and right, the vile protests resound around the stallion before his brain turns into a mess of scattered neurons and brain cells, and finally resides back to a state of a lump of grey matter. Thus his head falls back onto the table with a soft, yet solid bash. This did not do much in ceasing the continuing ravings of the lunatics abroad.
Then, as if fingers of a mighty time god were snapped, the scene freezes with a cheery and relieving ‘ding.’
“Is this you?” The narration oozes with patronizing contempt, and is strangely produced as if through a voice filter. Yet, it is carried with an undertone of subdued optimism. “A sad, pitiful excuse of a pony without the mental capacity of a dead fish—let alone a full-time husband, father, and friend.” A figure steps from off screen, her carapace shining by the presence of a studio light. “Hello, poor ponies. I am Queen Chrysalis. If you don’t know who I am, it’s better it stays that way.”
“What you should know, though, is that I understand how hard it is to live your pitiful existence, forever trapped in an endless loop of worthlessness, pestering, and awkwardness. I’m sure many of you are dealing with such problems right now.
“But fear not, for I hold the cure to your ailments.”
The screen is engulfed with an exceedingly blinding lens flare as the scene is now replaced with a green logo depicting a pony figure that is split down the middle, one side normal and the other resembling a changeling. Following this is stock music that is both inviting and frighteningly annoying.
“Introducing, Changeling Replacement Services, the only reliable life substitute business. At your request, we’ll come in to be you, so you don’t have to.”
The scene cuts back to the atrocious bantering freaks before. The stallion is very much still unconscious, but with the magic of editing, he is suddenly engulfed with a display of twinkling stars, disappearing to reveal a spry and vigorous pony.
“I’m sorry I forgot, honey,” he says with bright warmth, “I’ll get to work on the yard right away.” He looks down to the filly. “And then when I’m done with that, daddy’s going to take his wonderful filly to the park.” Now his head looks to his friend. “But first, I’ll give you the money to get your window replace. Sorry about that, by the way.”
“Wow,” the three previously disgusting monsters say with genuine enthusiasm, which would be true have it not for the fact it is painfully rehearsed.
“Quite the change, no,” the Queen says to the camera. “That’s because the real pony who was sitting there not a moment ago is now enjoying the beachside of Baltimare, where as the pony you see now is one of our astounding employees.”
For emphasis, said employee looks to the camera with one eye, which is momentarily covered with green flame before dissipating to show a changeling winking back with a smile.
Chrysalis’ frame takes back the screen. “And the best part is they don’t even know it’s him. Our service prides itself in not only discretion, but also in making sure to emulate everything about you in perfect, tedious detail. Not just on the revolting outside, but on the dark inside too.”
The scene changes to a screen split into four squares. One square shows a changeling and a pony sitting at a table, conversing as the changeling takes notes. Another depicts a changeling rehearsing his role at a scene mocking a date. The one below has a changeling that looks to be reading and memorizing private documents. The last one portrays a pony evaluating with a nod to another pony identical to him.
“To ensure effectiveness and quality, our changelings get to know you personally. They’ll shadow you and learn all they can about your dumb behavior, sometimes even revealing embarrassing mannerisms you never even noticed about yourself. Not just that, but they’ll learn about your social life as well. They’ll get to know your family and friends, the acquaintances you met, all your private information, the enemies you hate, and even your pets!”
The screen cuts to a changeling standing beside a dog, who is greeting him warmly with a welcoming growl.
“Pet the flea bag, you dolt,” Chrysalis’ voice whispers from off screen.
Changelings’ expression are among the hardest for ponies to read, yet the dragon can practically feel the daunting anxiety coming from the drone as he slowly lifts his holey hoof next to the dog’s head.
Before the dog decides that it has enough of him and lashes out at the poor thing with the rage of a thousand rabies-infected raccoons, the scene bounces once more to Chrysalis.
“If you honestly still think that this is some fabricated truth, and you still choose to wallow in your self-induced punishment, let our customers here prove you wrong.”
Now taking the center of the screen is a yellow mare with an orange, curly mane and green eyes. “I’ve been dying for a break for awhile, and thanks to Changeling Replacement Services, I finally got it! The service was so good that nopony even knew I was gone when I came back.” She smiles at the camera, though it is short-lived as her expression suddenly grows dreary. “In fact, not a lot of ponies really notice if I’m gone or not.”
Leaving the obviously depressing sight for a more delightful one, the mare in center screen was now a grey earthpony with a charcoal mane and purple eyes. “At first I was a little worried. I play the cello, you see, and thought my replacement would have trouble doing my job. But after we spent time practicing, he was able to play as fine as I do. He even offered me…” She hesitates a bit, taking audible gulps and making strange twitching motions with her face and neck, all the while smiling with a force. “Some… critiques… about my performance… which I very much appreciated… Coming from a changeling who only copied my performance and even imitated my own mistakes and wouldn’t know a high note from a low one and does he actually think he’s better than—”
Abruptly cutting her off is another cut to a purple mare with green eyes and mane with varying colors of pink. “I would normally hire a pony substitute for my job, but my changeling replacement was able to do more than just watch the kids. He studied every detail of my lesson plan and was able to carry it out perfectly. Now thanks to him, I’m finally able to work on my garden.” She looks directly into the camera, smiling. “Which is good, because I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t.”
The camera, for some reason, hangs on the shot, not changing to another pony and instead only showing the mare’s face. Something about her face seems to convey some sort of uncomfortable feeling, not so much for her, but for the viewer watching. Call it a trick of the eye, but Spike swears the camera is subtly but surely zooming in on her face. The sight itself made the dragon unconsciously shrink back in his seat.
To his overwhelming inner request, the scene finally cuts away to another pony.
This time it is a tan stallion, with a slick-backed mane and cyan eyes with the subtle appearance of bags under them. “I’m a very busy pony and wish I could be everywhere at once. Thanks to my changeling replacement now I can be in a business meeting while spending a day with my daughter at the same time.” He winks to the camera, teeth metaphorically sparkling as he smiles. “Thanks, Changeling Replacement Services.”
The camera hangs on the expression, almost sending echoes of the previous pony, before the stallion drops his smile and looks off camera. “So you’re going to blur out my face and modulate my voice or something like that, right?”
Silence.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
Chrysalis’ face adorns the screen again. “If you’re still being stupid and not jumping at the chance of this offer, listen to a testimony from Princess Celestia herself!”
Just as she said this, the scene transitions one more time to the face of the Royal Sister herself. “I know it may seem strange to employ the help of a race that attacked my country, but they are good what they do.” She gives her trademarked warm smile. “And now thanks to them, I can finally take the time to read all the friendship letters from my student that I’ve been putting off for the past year.” Like that of an interrogated convict unknowingly confessing to his horrendous crime, Celestia’s eyes shrink as the Royal Hooves lift to cover her mouth. After a moment of silence, she puts one down to speak. “Can you edit that out in post?”
Due more to the fact of her inflated ego than actual practicality, the screen changes again to Chrysalis as she snickers. “Ahem. Yes, now I’m sure your tiny brains are slowly formulating enough thought power to bravely ask me, ‘but Chrysalis, this good of a deal must cost something, correct? How much of my useless money must I throw at you to be worthy enough of this offer’? Interesting question, but seeing as you’re impressed with just about anything, I’m going to tell you all that this amazing service will cost you nothing.
“That’s right, our high quality services are completely free… in money terms. The only thing that you have to provide to us is a loved one you your changeling replacement to fee—er, to take care of while you’re away. No payments, no trades, and certainly not a single bit out of your pathetic bank.
“But wait, there’s more! You now have the option of vacation plans. Feeling like taking some personal time off from the wretched ponies you know, but want to do it fast and conveniently? Look no further, because our resident travel and business advisors are here to assist. Here they are to talk about it right now.”
The camera turns to the changelings she motions towards. The pair wears shirt collars with red ties, one being pin-striped. Their half shut eyes convey no expression as they speak with the business-like efficiency of soulless salesponies.
“Choosing this optional vacation plan requires a standard fee of fifty bits…”
“Plus however many is required to prepare your trip.”
“Rates are based on the location you are travelling to…”
“The method of transport…”
“And duration of trip.”
“It is the responsibility of the customer to track their own luggage…”
“And any medical condition you may have before, during, or after the trip.”
“At an extra cost, we also offer an identity change if you feel it appropriate.”
“Note, the change is NOT permanent and all records pertaining to the identity will be terminated by the expiration of the trip.”
“To choose this optional service, please specify in your request letter…”
“Or refer to your changeling replacement.”
“For details on your vacation, please feel free to ask us…”
“Or refer to the pamphlet you will receive as per service request.”
“All payments are final and non-refundable,” they both finish off in unison.
“And there you have it, you insufferable ponies,” Chrysalis says as she comes up from between the two, “you get the amazing Changeling Replacement Service for free, plus optional vacation planning. And all you have to do is work your tired minds to work a quill so that you can formulate words onto paper and send it in to the following address.” The location and P.O. box flashes in neon green text across the bottom of the screen. “So what are you waiting for, your flank to do it? Get off it and utilize our services now!
“Changeling Replacement Services. We’ll be you, no matter how stupid you are.”
Much like the many lovely nonsense of other ads before, the presentation finishes off with a quickly read legal statement so perfectly tacked on to the end.
“Changeling Replacement Services, LLC. is not responsible for failure for you to return to your normal life. Some exhaustion from your loved ones may occur. If they begin to exhibit signs of dizziness or nausea, seek medical attention immediately. Revealing a changeling replacement’s cover is grounds for immediate termination of services and legal action. We are not responsible for what your replacement does as you. Must be eighteen years or older to apply.”
As all things come to an end, so too does the brilliantly crafted infomercial, swiftly replaced by the snowy, constant screech of disgusting static.
It is promptly stopped by Spike as he flicks the TV’s life off, mind pondering that spectacle that he just saw before him. Not much of the commercials ever please the dragon, nor do they even get any response from him. But that one seems to be the golden apple of the bunch. Flipping through countless of dribble and off-putting ridiculousness, that is one of the few products that peeks his interest. Maybe, just maybe, he would finally make due on one of the infomercials that come from that intricate stupid-box.
“Nah,” he says, waving off the notion, “sounds like a scam to me. I don’t think they can even change into dragons.” With the thought lost forever to a drifting void, he walks his little way to door before encountering a troubling thought.
He still has nothing better to do for the day.
Heaving a powerful, infuriating sigh, he takes his way back to the sofa that he made his mark on and that box that intimately knows him so.
Spike and Twilight look up from a comic book and book respectively. The TV has suddenly shot up in volume from dull murmur to the unignorable volume of ‘Hey! Listen!’
White words paste themselves across a black screen as a male announcer continues, “You pleaded for it.”
“Spike, shut that thing off,” Twilight says as she buries her nuzzle back in her book. “We’re not even paying attention to it.”
“You even demanded it,” the announcer continues as the words are now printed with a font made to look like flaming metal.
Spike shakes his head. “Sorry, Twilight. Looks like one of my demands is about to be met.”
“Ugh…” Twilight groans out as the TV drones on. She lowers her book and shoots an annoyed glance at the TV.
“Your favorite war boy…”
A thin, but toned pony with no mane and a white coat sits in the driver’s seat of a car, an expanse of sandy wasteland zooms past him. “Oh what day! What a lovely day!”
“… and your favorite blind pony...”
A light grey-blue pegasus with a snowy white main with light-blue stripes sits in the passenger seat of the beat up and dusty interior of the car. She shoots a scowl at the other pony. “Rub it in why don’t you.”
“… are teaming up on the Fury Road.”
Both Twilight and Spike’s jaws drop, albeit for completely different reasons.
“Snowdrop has been dead for almost a millennia,” Twilight says. “How is she on… whatever this is?”
Spike raises a claw to his lips. “Shhhh!” he shushes harshly.
The pair’s bright chrome coupe speeds on towards a massive truck carrying a fuel tanker and other white, ‘bald’ ponies. The truck itself is flanked with numerous supped up cars, all ponies armed with either a firearm or spear-like weapon. Those with guns are firing at the oncoming vehicle.
“Oh, Celestia…” Snowdrop murmurs. “We just turned around and the gunfire just got worse…. Nux, please say you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.”
“How are there cars in Equestria?!” Twilight demands.
“You worry about stuff to much,” answers Spike, his eyes remaining glued to the screen.
Nux turns knobs and loosens hoses behind the seats, a translucent liquid pours onto the vehicle's floor.
Snowdrop takes a big whiff and sighs. “You are…” she laments.
“What’s a war boy?!” Twilight shouts.
“Shhhhh!” Spike answers.
“I am the stallion who grabs the Sun…” Nux says as he produces a road flare and lights it.
Snowdrop quickly stands up and pushes open the sunroof to the car.
“…WHILE RIDING TO VALHALLA!” Nux shouts.
Snowdrop quickly grabs Nux and flies upwards out of the car, as fast her wings would carry her and her passenger. Nux drops the flare into the liquid and the car immediately bursts into flames.
The massive truck attempts to veer away, but it’s too late. The flaming car slams into the tanker culminating in a massive fiery explosion that shoots black smoke into the sky.
Snowdrop continues to fly away from the carnage, her companion safely held with her forelegs hooked underneath his own.
“Why did everything explode?!” Twilight exclaims.
Spike simply sighs and shakes his head.
“Go back, blind pony!” Nux demands as he kicked his back legs in protest. “You’re flying us away from the battle!”
Snowdrop keeps her direction steady as she answers with an unamused look on her face and an equally unamused tone. “I know…”
“NUX AND SNOWDROP: FURY ROAD WARRIORS,” the announcer says as giant, metal, flaming words crash their way onto the screen.
“Witness me, my little pony!”
“How many times do I have to tell you?! I’m blind!”
Spike sheds a single tear. “It’s already more beautiful than I could have imagined.”
Spike licks his lips as he balances a three-tier cake with massive gems impeded in it. His eyes are wide as they drift over each inch of the cake, lingering hungrily on when they pass over a gem.
“Explosives? Those would have come in handy against Chrysalis.”
Spike stops as he hears Twilight’s rather odd statement from behind him. He turns, noticing the open door to what is now the ‘T.V.’ room. A rainbow of different colored lights flicker through the doorway.
“Twilight?” Spike says as he steps inside. He gives his cake one last hungry glance before gently setting it down, double checking clearance with the door so it’s not destroyed in some sort of unexpected joke the universe might be having at his expense. “Are you talking to the T.V.? I thought we talked about this… specifically you telling me the ponies on the T.V. can’t talk back.”
“Hi, Spike,” Twilight greets as she sits on a burnt orange-colored couch with her hooves tucked under her belly and her wings tucked against her torso. “And yes, that’s mostly true. Except for that one time with Pinkie.”
“Yeah, but that was…” Spike frowns heavily and turns away. “I don’t even know what that was…”
Twilight sighs heavily. “I’ve read every book here… three times!”
“I didn’t actually ask why you—”
“I’ve run out of things to read, Spike!” Twilight exclaims in a desperate and sad tone. “I’ve had to resort to watching T.V. to keep myself entertained.”
Spike walks over to the couch and scampers up onto it next to Twilight. “I thought you said that this was your worst idea ever.”
Twilight glances upward for a second, Spike can almost see the gears turning in her head.
“That was probably a bit unfair,” Twilight says. “I’ve had plenty of ideas that were much worse.”
“Fair ‘nuff,” Spike replies. “Hey! Maybe you can try writing Sunset Shimmer. I bet she has a friendship problem she could use help with.”
Twilight let out a scoff. “When I asked, she just wrote me back saying ‘I’m fine. Why don’t you ask that Starlight Glimmer jerk if she needs any help?”
“She called Starlight a ‘jerk’?”
“Actually, she used a word I can’t repeat in polite conversation.”
“Okay, but what about “impolite convers—”
“HEY PARENTS!”
Twilight and Spike jumps slightly as the T.V.’s volume suddenly shoots up. They turn to see Discord on screen, wearing a purple dress jacket over a purple flower patterned shirt. A frilly gold-colored bow-tie, tall orange top-hat, and wooden cane completes the ensemble.
Twilight lets out a groan. “Oh, what now?”
Discord continues, “Are you tired of your loin spawn asking annoying questions with awkward answers regarding where they came from?”
“Yes!” Spike answers.
“Spike! You don’t even have any children!”
“What about Peewee?”
“Peewee is a phoenix hatchling and already has parents.”
Discord’s expression hits a sour note. “You already gave life to the obnoxious genetic copies of you and a loved one or pony you might have coupled with after a night of hitting the cider too hard! Why should you have to also explain that sweaty and fluid-filled process to them?”
Twilight swallowed.
“But you can’t just allow your broodlings out into the world to discover this on their own! Who knows what they’ll learn from such shady institutions such as”—Discord air-quotes—“‘school’ or strange purple unicorns on the street with biology textbooks?”
“That was one time!” Twilight shouts at the screen indignantly.
The camera shot suddenly widens to take in a massive whimsical-looking structure with a purple paint job. Pipes and chimneys spew out steam and smoke in front of a large animatronic display of a light-blue unicorn mare with silvery-blue hair and a red earth stallion ‘bouncing’ with the slow rhythm of a clock against her back.
Despite her purple coat of hair, Twilight’s face seems to turn pale.
Discord motions to the structure. “Well, drop them off at ‘Discord’s Reproduction Factory.’” He grins disconcertingly at the screen. “I’ll personally give them a lesson of a pre-lifetime! ”
The scene shifts to a number of foals. Each one wide eyed, confused, and maybe a little frightened as they examine long, colorful cylindrical objects, hoof-cuffs, ropes, and every costume from sexy nurse to sexy potato modeled on an army of mannequins.
Discord continues to address the screen in a bubbly tone of voice, “We start here in the ForeplayChamber, where fillies and colts are introduced to the wonders of toys and role-play before the, hehe, big event!”
“Mr. Discord, sir?”
The scene pans over to a brown colt wearing a propeller beany who is currently laid down on a table, his legs splayed out via rope to the four corners. “Erm… I think I can use some help.”
A trio of fillies suddenly pop up. A yellow earth pony holding a riding crop, an orange pegasus holding a whip, and a white unicorn holding a paddle.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DOMINATRIXES, YAY!”
“Hey you four!” Discord shouts. “Get out of Pain Land right now!” His tone shifts to a happier one. “There’s still so much more to see!” He motions for the kids to follow them. “Now let’s all hop on my boat ‘The Sperminator’!”
Suddenly Discord and the children are on a boat that begins to take off towards a dark tunnel.
“Now who wants to travel through the urethra? What? Really? No pony? I mean... technically you've all made the trip at least once before. Well no matter, it's not like any of you have a say in the matter.” Discord says as the shadow covers the boat and suddenly the walls along the tunnel are filled with images of white, squirmy things traveling alongside it.
An earth pony colt with a white coat and brown fur lets out a terrified squeak.
Discord leans his head down next to him and motions out to the things swimming alongside the boat. “You see these nasty, wriggling worm things, Pipsqueak?”
“Y-Yes…”
“Those are in your peanuts. Right. NOW.”
“Oh no!” Pipsqueak replies as he clenches his back legs together.
“Yes! And as we speak, they're multiplying into thousands, NAY, millions by the hour! And the worst thing is... you don't even feel it happening!”
“NOOO!”
The children scream as they are suddenly bombarded by multicolored lights and random images. After a few moments, the boat emerges into calmer waters.
Shaking with eyes focused well off into the distance, the brown colt in the beanie utters, "The urethra sure had a lot more flashing lights and giant spiders than I was expecting..."
“Oh, that was all metaphorical,” Discord replies. “You see, the different flashing lights represent the myriad of different ponies you can still be before conception.”
“... And... and the giant spider?”
“That's Jeff. He runs the projector.” Discord turns to address the group as a whole. “Once the majestic meat curtains part and we pass through the gaping maw all the mares carry between their back legs, we’ll be at our next destination!" Discord lets out a giddy squee. “Isn’t it all so magical?”
The yellow filly with a red bow on her hair furrows her brow. “Gaping maw? Like, with teeth and stuff?”
“Oh that? That's a whole other act with the upper lips. The lower doesn't have any teeth, sort of like your grandmother.”
The orange pegasus filly chimes in. “Ew, so it's all wrinkly and wet in here!”
“They prefer the term 'pruny', young'un.”
Suddenly a foal sized, round, pinkish mass hit the deck of the boat with a ‘plop!’ Little more than a wriggling dome with wide blue eyes and a mouth, it smiles happily at all the children. “Hello kiddies!”
Discord lets out a mirthful laugh. “Why colts and fillies, it’s Clitolina! One of our mischievous residents who loves to play hide and seak!”
“Hehe, that’s right kids!” Clitolina exclaims. She jumps off the side of the boat with a wet squishy sound. “Try and find me!”
“Remember, children!” Discord says with a wide smile as he leans forward on his cane. “The first one to find her G-spot gets a free gift at the end of the tour!”
“What's the gift?” the white unicorn filly asks.
“A big, thick whistle to blow to your heart's content!” Discord’s smile suddenly drops. “Also, we're not responsible for any misuse the whistle receives other than its intended purpose, and it absolutely will be misused!”
A pink filly in a tiara turns to silver filly in glasses. “Well it’s a good thing my parents can easily afford all the therapy I’m going to need.”
Hoof shaking, the silver filly hands the other one a business card. “You can talk to my therapist. Assuming we make it out of here, I’d get a hold of her quick.” The silver filly looks about the equally traumatized foals around her. “I have a feeling she’s going to be busy really soon.”
The pink filly takes the card and examines it briefly. “Wait, you have a therapist?”
“You’re my best friend. Of course I have a therapist.”
The scene shifts once more as Discord and the children are in a large, fleshy cavern.
"And this is the uterus, little fillies and foals! Does it feel nice and cozy? It should! Almost all of you has been in one! And many of you did NOT want to leave because it was so nice in here!"
"Oh look, children!" Discord points to an opening above them. Slowly, a sphere descends from the opening and floats about.
A unicorn colt with a black mane and tail looks up at the orb. "Whoa, that looks like a huge kickball!"
“Oh, I wouldn't kick that if I were you. After all, that WAS one of you! Potentially.” Discord picks out a male unicorn with a black coat and red mane and tail. “Except you, Test Tube Timmy. You were never in a place like this.”
Timmy’s lips begin to quiver.
Discord saunters up to Timmy and smiles. “Well, why do you think you were named Timmy instead of something whimsical like ‘Shooting Star’ or ‘Blue Thunder’?! You're an unnatural abomination!” Discord holds out his lion paw. “Put it there, cousin.”
The scene shifts yet again as the children are sitting in a starkly white room. Four pillar like light-blue legs surround them.
“And this is what it was like when you were born!” Discord says, having added hip-waders to his outfit. A red substance begins to pour from above Discord and the children as the little ones begin to scream.
"Oh please, this is fruit juice!" Discord says as he produces a glass, dips it into the rising fluids and brings it to his lips. Discord takes a sip. "...This is not fruit juice."
The screaming only increases in volume and terror as giant depiction of a newborn foal falls towards the children, only narrowly avoiding crushing them as a fleshy tether to the foal’s stomach catches it at the last moment.
Discord grins as the foal swings back and forth above everypony like a pendulum. “Now remember everypony!” Discord shouts as the red liquid flows well past his hip waders. “Once the doctors cut the umbilical cord everypony here gets a nice placenta sandwich lunch.”
Spike’s claw quickly covers his mouth as his cheeks puff out. “Twilight… I-I’m not sure I’m going to eat that jewel cake… or anything ever again.”
As the children make a series of disgusted and horrified sounds he turns to the camera. “Oh! And don’t forget to stop at our extensive gift shop! For shirts, snow globes, and plush version of all the characters you’ve come to intimately know and love such as Clitolina and One-eyed Pete, the snake that grows when he’s pet.”
Discord is once again staining in front of the ‘factory’, the foals around him simply sit motionless, there eyes staring off somewhere mercifully far, far away from where they’re standing. “Once again, that’s Discord’s Reproduction Factory! Conveniently located at a new train stop between Canterlot and Ponyville. Remember parents, if you don’t leave your children with me to teach them about the birds and the bees, you’ll have to do it. So why not take them down to the factory for an experience they’ll never forget.” Discord’s smile grows wide and wicked. “Ever.”
Applejack sighs heavily as she surveys the damage of a spilled apple cart. One of its wheels is splintered and broken nearly in half which has caused the cart to tip to one side, and spill some of the mass of apples piled high inside. She frowns and lightly kicks one of the damaged red apples that has toppled to the rocky ground. She looks left, right, and even glances to the sky.
“Like a good neighbor, Kingdomfarm is there~!” Applejack sings.
A pony wearing a tricorn hat and red frock coat over a frilly blue formal jacket held closed by some sort of red, white, and blue sash. However, what Applejack notices most about the pony is that it looks like its face has been half-melted off before being blasted by extreme heat into some sort of tattered leather semblance of a normal face.
“Hey,” the pony greets in a soft, if slightly scratchy masculine voice. “I’m your Kingdomfarm agent, or whatever.” He looks at the cart. “And you look like a pony who can use something to help with your troubled mind.”
Although his appearance was plenty frightening, Applejack has had plenty of experience seeing ponies and creatures that look different and knows not to judge somepony by how they—
The pony sneers angrily and places his face within a few inches of Applejack’s. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Applejack fearfully clams up. Staring at the other pony she asks, “What in tarnation are you?!”
The pony’s forehead pulls up as if it’s raising an eyebrow, its face missing such a feature. “You ain’t ever seen a ghoul before? I thought you ponies knew all about the wastes and stuff seeing as how many of you seem to be obsessed with it.”
“Ghouls? Wastes? Ah have no idea whatcher talkin’ about! Where’s my regular guy?!”
The ghoul glances at the cart. “You have a regular Goodneighbor agent? What? Do you make a habit out of breaking things?”
Applejack sighs. “You clearly haven’t met my sister and her friends…” She stares at the ghoul, pulling her brow forward. “Ah thought ya’ll we’re named ‘Kingdomfarm’.”
The ghoul chuckles to himself. “Let’s just say the whole place is operating a bit more ‘freely’ now.”
Applejack taps her chin thoughtfully. “Gotta admit, something about Goodneighbor has a ring to it. Look, I’m sorry if Ah was rude, but Ah’m kinda in a hurry. Can you help me or not?”
The ghoul pulls out what appears to be a large syringe with two cylinders flanking it. “Oh, I got yer fix right here.”
Applejack stares intently at the syringe. “Now just what the hay am I supposed to do with that?”
Without warning, the ghoul suddenly jams the syringe into Applejack’s arm and presses on the plunger.
“Ouch! What the hey was thaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Applejack suddenly hitches the cart to her back and begins sprinting with the cart. She leaves a trail of fallen apples in her wake as the cart bounces up and down from the broken wheel.
The ghoul grins and chuckles to himself. “Another satisfied customer.”
A voiceover begins to speak as the words ‘Kingdomfarm are printed over the screen’. “Kingdomfarm. Of the ponies, for the ponies.”
Twilight and Spike stare at the screen with matching blank stares as they try to process what they had just watched.
“Twilight,” Spikes begin, “is it just me or are the things on the TV starting to make less and less sense?”
Twilight opens her mouth to respond but a rainbow-colored streak suddenly flies by an open window, cutting her off as it begins to rapid fire a sentence.
Twilight turns just as the rainbow blur smashes crashes into the open window with a ‘thud!’
An inhaler with a small red bottle attached to it bounces away from Rainbow Dash and slides into the room, stopping at Spike's feet.
“Rainbow Dash?” Twilight says in concern.
AS Rainbow Dash hangs halfway in the window, she stares at Twilight with pupils as big as saucers and a smile to match. “WhyAreYouTalkingSoSlowTwilgiht?!HeyDoYouHaveAnyToolsOrFertilizerLyingAround?!Oooo!MaybeIShouldCheckWithAJIfShe’sNotTooBusyWithHerSettlement!”
Spike picks up the inhaler and gives it a sniff. His eyes open wide as his pupils dilate. “Whoa! Who turned up all the colors?”
Twilight sighs heavily. “Nope, I’m not dealing with this.” She begins to trot away. “Come on, Spike. We’re going to hide in the vault.”
Spike begins to follow. “We have a vault? When did we get a vault?”
The two walk out of the television room. “Since I got sick of dealing with everypony’s stupid problems.”
“WaitTwili— GHA! Ugh…” Rainbow Dash rubs her head. “Who turned down the colors?” She attempts to get down from the window and succeeds by toppling face first onto the crystalline floor below. “Oof! Twilight! Come back! Do you have any Addictol I can buy off you?!” Rainbow Dash takes a few steps then trips over a rug in front of the TV.
‘Thud!’
“OW! I have caps!” she continues shouting after Twilight. “And like… 10 pipe pistols!”
Behind Rainbow Dash, a gray pegasus mare begins a rapid descent to the same window Rainbow had just interred through.
“Come baaaaaaack!” Rainbow Dash continues. “These come-downs are horrible!”
‘THUD!’
“Ugh… Tell me about it…” The dizzy, wall-eyed pegasus utters as she hangs halfway in the open window.
Spike and Starlight Glimmer sat on the sofa, munching popcorn and watching the television. A commercial had just started...
Love Tap and Button Mash trotted somberly into their home. "Poor Cheerilee," Love Tap said, shaking her head. "That was a nasty hit on the head."
"Is she gonna be okay, Mom?" Button asked.
"I don't know, sweetie," Love Tap said. "Her eyes are pretty badly derped. Nurse Redheart said they don't know if she'll ever underp." She frowned. "I can only hope she has derp insurance."
"Mom, have you ever thought about getting derp insurance?" Button asked.
Love Tap pursed her lips. "I don't know, Button," she said. "Derp insurance is pretty expensive, and I'm not sure your father and I could get coverage."
"You can get coverage from CelestialPenn for as little as two bits a day," Button said. "Every pony your age should have derp insurance. For medical bills, or video games!" He placed a hoof on his mother's shoulder and stared seriously into her eyes. "You and Dad want to take care of me and Gibson, right? You owe it to us and to yourself to get derp insurance."
Love Tap smiled and ruffled his mane. "You're right, Button. I think I'll call CelestialPenn right now and ask about derp insurance today."
"CelestialPenn. Derp insurance for as little as two bits a day. Call now."
Starlight frowned. "Ponies don't really have conversations like that...do they?"
Spike snorted. "Those two sure don't. For one thing, Button would never put his video games down long enough. And I doubt he even knows what insurance is."
"Well yeah, I mean, I wouldn't expect a little colt like that to talk about insurance like that, but..." Starlight shook her head. "I mean, nothing about that conversation sounded natural. Like, at all."
"Eh, it's a derp insurance commercial, what do you expect? Bridleway?" He got up to change the channel...
“Sooooooooooo…” Starlight says as she sits on an ornate, light-purple couch with wood armrests and a wooden frame around the padding in the back. She looks at Spike, who sits next to her on the couch as if the small purple and green dragon possesses the rest of the sentence she had just started.
“So?” Spike replies, raising an eyebrow. “’‘Soooooooooo…’ what?”
Starlight looks over at the TV. “So… Is this it? I mean… We just sit here and watch advertisement after advertisement?”
Spike shrugs. “Pretty much. I mean… sometimes someone manages to get a show together or there’s the odd attempt at the news.” Spike smiles. “The sports reports on the news show are quite good.”
Starlight nods. “Oh, right… You do like your hoofball.”
Spike shakes his head. “Oh, it rarely has anything to do with actual sports. Mostly you get to watch a drunk donkey stumble around while he mumbles weird nonsense before passing out!”
“… And that’s… entertaining?”
“Well, it’s what’s on TV…” Spike says motioning to the TV. “I mean… At least I’m seeing stuff without leaving the comfort of the castle.”
“… Uh-huh…” Starlight says with a blank stare.
Spike sighs. “I’m guessing you’re not convinced.”
Starlight raises a forehoof in front of her. “Oh, no, no… I just sort of wish I had TV back when I was trying to brainwash ponies… I bet I could have gotten waaaaaay more ponies into my little town!”
Spike furrows his brow and stares at Starlight with a suspicious look that had just a drop of judgement in it.
Starlight grins sheepishly. “Erm… You know… assuming I was still evil and stuff…”
“Right, right…” Spike says in a rather unconvinced tone.
“HEY!” Starlight says excitedly as she motions out towards the TV. “Looks like another commercial! Maybe it’s selling something that could be… erm… useful?”
“Hello boys and girls,” a mare’s voice calls out in a somewhat seductive tone. “Do you have a knob that needs polishing? Or maybe a doorbell that needs a good spit shine?”
Starlight’s eyes go wide and she freezes in place, her cheeks turning red as she turns towards the TV. On screen, an orange unicorn mare with a massive curly orange mane almost as large as herself stands in front of a typical Ponyville home. Oddly enough, Twilight’s castle sits quite large in the background.
“Huh…” Spike utters. “Well, the castle does have a lot of doorknobs… And hey…” Spike points at the castle on screen. “They’re close!”
Starlight lets out a sound somewhere between a sigh of relief and annoyance.
The mare on the TV continues, “Well if so, the beautiful Adagio Dazzle—” the mare points to herself with a forehoof “—and her loyal Dazzlings are ready to help you!” she says, motioning out to the empty air next to her with both forelegs. The mare pauses briefly and smiles at the camera as the air to either side of her remains empty. For a moment, nothing happens except the mare looking to her left and her right. “Idiots,” she hisses through clenched, smiling teeth, “that’s your cue!”
A light-blue pegasus mare with a large blue ponytail bounds onto the screen and smile at the camera. “Hey ponies! My name is Sonata, Sonata Dusk, and I’m a helper! I’m ready to clean, polish, and get all kinds of down and dirty until your knobs or doorbells, or anything else related to your front doors or backdoors are clean!”
With a heavy sigh, a purple earth pony mare with twin purple ponytails held with twin metal stars trudges up next to Adagio and glares at the camera. “I’m Aria Blaze and… Well…” Aria scrunches her nose. “Yeah… Eff this… Eff all of this.”
Adagio turns towards Aria. “Aria!” she snaps.
“No, Dagi!” Aria says. “Just no… I don’t want any part of this!”
Sonata leans forward past Adagio and looks at the earth pony. “But you’re so good at cleaning doorbells!”
Aria shoots an irate glare at Sonata while Adagio continues to shoot her own irritated glare at Aria.
“Fine!” Adagio exclaims. “Just… just switch places with Gibson.”
A young stallion’s voice sounds off from nearby. “Uhhh… I don’t think that’s a good idea…”
The three mares look towards the camera, Sonata’s cheeks turn slightly pink as Aria gives an impressed smile.
Adagio rolls her eyes. “Baseball, math homework, your parents going at it like post-pubescent bunnies…”
“Ah!” Gibson exclaims as he trots into the scene from behind the camera. “I’m coming, I’m coming!”
Adagio grins knowingly. “Not yet you aren’t!”
Gibson stops midway to the mares and clenched his back thighs against each other. “Adagio!” he whines out.
Aria walks towards the camera, uttering, “Your mom in a bikini,” as she went.
“Aria!” Gibson exclaims. “What the buck?!”
Aria shakes her head and smiles before disappearing behind the camera. “Too easy…” she says to herself.
With a glare, Adagio motions for Gibson to come sit next to her.
Gibson trots over and sits down next to Adagio.
Adagio grins at the camera and motions to Gibson. “But don’t take our word for it, just listen to this satisfied customer!”
“Uh…” Gibson turns to face the Camera. “Hi! I’m just here to yell you Adagio will polish your knob so long and hard that you’ll… be able to see your own reflection in it? I guess… Erm… The point is you won’t be disappointed so uh… contact her right away by uh…” Gibson turns to face the house. “I guess maybe you just show up and knock? Or maybe… Yell her name or some—”
“ADAGIO DAZZLE!” a rage-filled female voice screams out.
Gibson and Sonata freeze on the spot, terrified expressions on their faces. Adagio just sighs and shakes her head.
“Crud! It’s mom!” Gibson exclaims. “Hide!” Gibson quickly dashes to the side of the house and hides in some shrubbery. Sonata extends her wings and covers her face with them.
“Pssst!” Gibson says from the bushes. “Sonata! I said ‘hide’!”
“I am hiding!” Sonata says. “If I can’t see them, they can’t see me!”
“But I can still—”
A light-tan mare with a brown mane tied up with a red ribbon in a long ponytail suddenly stomps into view as her sky-blue eyes set to ‘kill’ lock on Adagio as she stomps right past Sonata.
“Ghah!” Gibson utters before going silent.
Adagio rolls her eyes. “Can I help you, Love Tap?” she says in an exasperated tone.
Love Tap raises a forehoof and waves it under Adagio’s muzzle. “Don’t you ‘can I help you’ me, young lady!”
—“I’m older than you”—
Love Tap powers on. “I’m shutting this horrible idea down before it gets out of hoof and I have a bunch of weirdos showing up at my house at all hours to position you for…” Love Tap’s cheeks turned slightly pink. “Well… you know what…”
Adagio rolls her eyes. “It’s just a simple cleaning service,” she insisted.
“Like hay it is!” Love Tap says. “Don’t play innocent with me, Adagio! You’re about the least innocent pony in all Equestria!”
From behind the camera, Aria chuckles. “Well, she sure has your number, Dagi…”
Adagio turns to glare at the camera then looks back at Love Tap. “How did you even know what was going on?”
Love Tap smiles and points to her tail. “Your mistake was involving Gibson! You see, I have a ‘mom sense’ that lets me know when my kids are involved in something I disapprove of.”
“What?!” Gibson exclaims from the bushes. “Oh, that HAS to be a lie, otherwise you’d stop Button from doing like… three quarters of the things he gets into with Sweetie Belle and her friends!”
Adagio grins wryly as Love Tap looks over to the bush with a sour look on her face. “You know, I can still punish you for all this, right?” Love Tap says.
“… I’ll be quiet…” Gibson says.
“How’d you really stumble into this?” Adagio asks, still smiling.
Love Tap gave Adagio an indignant look. “Alright, I follow you all sometimes because of… well… because of stuff like this!”
“I know it’s sort of a violation of your privacy, but a mother worries and… WHAT!? NO!” Love Tap shakes her head and glares at Adagio once more. “Look! Shut this down right now, or I’m going to slap you so hard you won’t see straight!”
Adagio turns directly towards the camera and raises a forehoof to her face. “Oh no! If only I had called CelestialPenn and purchased Derp insurance!”
Love Tap narrowed her eyes at Adagio as a vein began to pulse on her forehead. “Are you making fun of Button and me?”
“Me?” Adagio said as she turned towards Love Tap and made an exaggerated motion to point to herself with both forelegs. “Of course not.” Adagio turned towards the camera. “‘Derpyness’ is a serious condition and I would never joke about, especially in the absolutely frightful case of having it but not being prepared with CelestialPenn Derp Insurance.”
Love Tap looked at the camera and then back to Adagio. “This… This… You set this all up to help sell derp insurance?!”
Adagio turned and grinned. “Heh heh, guilty…”
“Oh… Ooooh…” Love Tap said as relief flooded her face. A confused expression came over her. “This was uh… quite the setup.”
Adagio shrugged. “You know advertisers… Always looking for new ways to get ponies’ attention. They contacted me after you did your commercial… I think they’re going for a clever theme.”
Love Tap let out a small sigh. “Okay, well you had me going there…”
“Me, too!” Sonata said as she parted her wings and looked at Adagio. “You told me this was all so you could get paid to suck dick and lick pussy!”
Adagio froze and stared at Love Tap.
Aria chuckled softly from behind the camera.
Love Tap’s expression went from confused, to betrayed, to filled with inconsolable rage in the matter of a second.
“Haha…” Adagio said nervously. “Oh that Sonata, what a kidde—”
Love Tap suddenly stomped past Adagio, took a generous bit of her fluffy orange tail in her mouth and began dragging the orange unicorn away.
“Ow! OW!” Adagio cried as began to drag her off camera. “You’re hurting my tail!” she cried. “Into it!” she added. “Aria! Fix all this in post!”
“Yeah, yeah…” Aria said in a bored tone from behind the camera.
Sonata just watched Love Tap drag off Adagio with a confused expression on her face as Aria stepped into view right in front of the camera.
“Yeah, I don’t have any fingers,” Aria said as she raises a forehoof and stared at it in annoyance. “So I’m not editing any of this,” she says. “Bye.”
With that, Aria reaches towards the camera and a black screen brings the commercial to an end.
Spike and Starlight just stare at the TV. Neither’s expression communicating that they had fully understood what they had just witnessed or why it had somehow showed up in their lives.
Spike finally shakes his head. “Man… We have the weirdest neighbors…”
With the latest friendship lessons for today finished, Spike, Twilight, and Starlight made their way into the TV room to rest and relax with some quality entertainment. It had become sort of a tradition for each of them to come together and watch TV as a way of increasing their own friendship. Each carried, or levitated in the case of Twilight and Starlight, their own bag of popcorn.
“I’m telling you, Twilight, we could make our own movie theater right here! Some nice chairs, surround sound, snack machines, even a soda fountain!”
Twilight rolled her eyes as she climbed onto the couch, folding her legs under her. “Spike, all we do is watch the public broadcasts in here. And with what is being broadcast, I doubt anypony would consider it movie worthy.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right…” Spike’s shoulders slumped. He climbed onto the couch and sat down, idly munching on his popcorn as Starlight climbed into the couch to his right. Spike snapped his claw. “But what if we made our own movies! We could even broadcast them to the public!”
Starlight rubbed her chin. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea actually. We could bring decent programming to the TV, and we could spread important messages to everypony.”
Twilight made a humming sound as she tilted her head, absentmindedly levitating pieces of popcorn into her mouth. “I think you two might actually be onto something. We could reach a wider range of ponies and maybe solve their friendship problems before the map actually sends us to wherever the problem is!”
Spike looked between the two mares. “So… Does this mean we get our movie theater?” At Twilight’s nod, Spike’s eyes lit up. “Score! Alright, let’s get this show on the road!” Spike grabs the remote and turns on the TV.
Static… That’s all. No advertisement, no show, no… anything really. Just the fuzzy white static dancing across the screen. The three stare at the TV, waiting for something, anything, to appear. “Is… Is there nothing broadcasting today?” Starlight looks at Spike and Twilight.
Twilight doesn’t take her eyes off the TV. “No, there has to be something. Even if there’s nothing new, those advertisements that ponies put out should still air.”
Spike groans and buries his head in his claws. “Come on, anything is better than static!” A sharp click from the TV snaps everyone’s head up. A thin, white line runs across the center of the screen.
“What is that?” Twilight asks as all three lean forward.
From the TV, a drumroll starts playing. “We now return to…” A deep, masculine voice booms out before five words appear on the screen, three above the white line and two below. “The Adventures of Purple Smart!”
Twilight tilts her head. “Huh, this seems new.” Though she can’t place her hoof on it, something about the name Purple Smart seems familiar…
The white line splits into two. One of the lines swipes down, the other goes up. On the screen, the back of a couch in front of TV can be seen along with the back of the heads of two unicorns. And on the TV on the TV, the same thing can be seen, and so on.
Nothing happens on the screen. No voice, no announcer, just the same image. “Why isn’t anything happening? Shouldn’t we be hearing or seeing something move by now?” Spike asks.
“I’m not sure, Spike, let me check.” As Twilight starts to move from her position on the couch, the left unicorn on screen starts to move towards its TV. Noticing this, Twilight stops, and so does the unicorn. Twilight starts to move forward again, and the unicorn moves again. Twilight stops and studies the screen. Something is very wrong here.
Her eyes widen as she takes in the more minute details of the room shown on screen. Gingerly, Twilight unfurls her left wing and raises it up. The unicorn, now revealed to be an alicorn, unfurls its own left wing and matches Twilight. Twilight flaps her wing, and the alicorn matches her. Slowly, Twilight turns her head to look over her shoulder and the couch beyond… The same one being shown on TV right now.
Starlight and Spike stare with mouths agape as the alicorn on screen, clearly recognizable as Twilight now, stares back at the camera… Or she would be, if there was a camera to be seen. Slowly, Spike stands up and looks over the back of the couch. Onscreen, Spike’s head can be seen peering over the couch. Slowly, Starlight gets up and moves to the left, out of frame of the camera with her screen version doing the same.
Twilight slowly turns back towards the TV, seeing screen Spike peering at the camera. She looks back over the couch just as Spike turns to look at the TV. “Twilight?”
“Yeah, Spike?”
“What’s going on?”
Twilight looks back at the TV and starts slowly moving towards Spike as her onscreen persona does the same. “For once, Spike, I have no idea.” She nuzzles up against Spike, not only to put Spike at ease but herself as well. They both just stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen. A giant eye engulfs the screen, causing both of them to scream. The eye blinks a few times before slowly pulling back as more and more details of a face, Starlight’s to be precise, comes into focus. “Starlight!”
Starlight glances behind her, seeing her onscreen version mimicking her. “What?”
With a flash, Twilight teleports herself beside Starlight. “Do you realize how… Freaky that was, seeing a giant eye appear?!”
Starlight points to where the camera should be. “Everything about this situation is freaky, Twilight! We’re being filmed by some unknown camera, in the middle of your castle no less!”
“I know that! That’s what freaks me out!”
Spike raises a claw. “Umm… Twilight, Starlight?” The mares in question look at him. He points at the camera location. “If this thing is filming us now, what else has it filmed? This is a TV series, remember, so they have to be filming other stuff, right?”
Twilight’s and Starlight’s eyes widen as they turn to look at each other, then the camera. “Oh sweet Celestia…” Twilight mutters.
On the outskirts of Ponyville in a wagon…
A certain unicorn mare laughed uncontrollably at her TV. “Trixie loves this show!”
Starlight crept slowly into the TV room, eyes wide and alert, ears twitching. "Is...is it safe?" she whispered anxiously.
From the couch, Spike gave her a sidelong glance. "It's not a minefield, you know..."
"I'm not so sure about that," Starlight replied nervously as she cast a suspicious glance at the television. "Every time I see that thing, I walk away feeling like a bomb went off in my face."
Spike rolled his eyes and snorted. "It's safe," he said. "They're just running a weather update."
"Oh! Well...okay, that's actually useful information." Starlight walked into the room and sat down. On the screen, a pegasus named Fluffy Clouds was gesturing at a chart and delineating the planned wind and rain patterns for the next week for Ponyville, Canterlot, and a few other areas. Just as Starlight had settled in, however...
"And after the break, we'll look at the cloud distribution map for the greater Canterlot area! But first, these messages." Starlight whimpered.
The screen faded to black, then faded in again on an image of elite Canterlot model Fleur de Lis, standing on a red carpet and wearing an elegant dress, surrounded by ponies in fancy finery. Fleur smiled at the camera. "As a member of the Canterlot elite, my dietary demands are different from the day-to-day dining of most of Equestria. But when it comes to digestion, there's one thing that makes us all equal, and that's when our back cheeks squeak, so to speak."
A pony walking past her chose that moment to play a loud, flat note on a trombone. Spike faceclawed. Starlight's face fell into a disgusted grimace.
"Now I'm never one to cause a stink," Fleur continued, "and that's why I keep my elite bleats discrete by using Toot Sweet." She levitated a box from offscreen and framed it elegantly with her hooves. "One little capsule of this scintillating supplement taken before a meal will tame even the fiercest winds! Your worst Cutie Mark peelers become a gentle, fragrant breeze. Then your gentlecolt won't have to cover his snout when you whiff one out."
Two ponies hiding behind her, dressed all in black, chose that moment to squeak a loud bike horn and fling a handful of rose petals into the air. Fancy Pants trotted past Fleur's suddenly billowing tail, taking a deep breath and letting out a contented sigh.
"Keep your fanny fresh with Toot Sweet!" Fleur summed up brightly. "Also available in a spray."
"You know," Starlight said as the commercial ended, "that commercial and that product are a lot tackier and more embarrassing than actually farting in public."
Spike frowned. "Well," he drawled, "you weren't here for the week everypony started calling Scootaloo 'Pootaloo'. But yeah, usually it's not that big a deal." He tilted his head. "Gotta wonder how they got Fleur and Fancy Pants to do that awful commercial, though..."
* * * * *
A pagepony knocked hurriedly on Fleur's dressing room door. "Fleur? You're needed on set."
The door opened a sliver. Fleur's prim muzzle poked out. "Just a minute!"
The pagepony blinked, then frowned faintly at the smears of fine white powder on Fleur's muzzle. "Umm," she said. "You umm...might need to, umm..." She tapped at her own nose with her hoof.
Fleur's eyes widened. "Oh ponyfeathers," she muttered, ducking back into her dressing room and slamming the door. She raced over to her vanity, picked up some makeup brushes and a small, fine comb, and set to work. A minute later, she was pristine, perky, and prancing out the door.
A ravaged cardboard box lay forgotten on the table by the elegant daybed, the grisly remains of a dozen powdered sugar donuts standing silent testament to the desperation of a supermodel.
Starlight, Trixie, and Spike share a couch in Twilight’s castle’s ‘T.V. room’ as each has their own bag of nuts in front of them. They stare at the T.V. Spike and Starlight starting with looks of detached interest, Trixie looking on with confusion.
"So… This is what you two do to kill time in the castle?” Trixie asked. “You just sit here and watch whatever inanity pops on the… television, was it?”
Starlight shoots Trixie a dirty look.
Spike also turns to glare at Trixie. “Well sure, it sounds stupid when you say it.”
Trixie frowns. “Don’t you mean, ‘when you say it like that?”
"Naw,” Spike replies. “I know what I said.”
Starlight giggles to herself as Trixie’s face tightens into an irritated scowl. “The Grrrrrreat and POWERFUL TRIXIE, is happy to turn you into a tea-cup or even tea-cup dragon if you keep this sass up.”
Spike rolls his eyes. “I live with Starlight and Twilight and have already have been a dog twice, Trixie. A unicorn hanging around me who might turn me into some unnatural horror is what I call existence.” Spike rubbed his chin. “Still… with three crazy, magic-using ponies in one castle, threatening to destroy me and everything I love, it’s a nice reminder I should hang out with a certain mare again sometime.”
“What?!” Starlight snaps. “I am not crazy!”
Trixie and Spike turn to stare blankly at Starlight briefly, then turn back towards each other.
"So anyways…” Spike continues.
“Hey!” Starlight growls. “Don’t ignore me!”
"Give it chance,” Spike says as he completely ignores Starlight, “It’s like a window into the somewhat-psychotic side of Ponyville.”
Trixie’s brow tightens slightly. “… I thought Twilight and her friends where the somewhat-psychotic side of Ponyville.”
Starlight’s brow creased forward. “Does that include me?”
Spike shakes his head at Trixie. “No… It’s pretty much everypony.”
"Huh…” Trixie turned towards the screen with a bit more interest. “You have Trixie’s attention.”
“Seriously!” Starlight snapped. “Does that include me?!”
Trixie reaches over with a forehoof and places it in front of Starlight, shushing her. “Quiet, Twilight-lite.”
Starlight growls in frustration.
"The madness is starting,” Trixie finished.
On the T.V. screen, Bulk Biceps stands in front of his nut cart, DJ-P0N3 off to the side with her hooves on her turntables as she spun up a tune worthy of delicious cinnamon nuts. What follows is a scene jumping, skipping, and flipping production complete with bizarre stuttering and a nearly tangible remixed effect to the whole affair.
“HEY! IT'S BULK WITH CINNAMON NUTS! FILLIES! YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS! STALLIONS! YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS! MY NUTS ARE ON EVERYONE'S LIPS MY NUTS WON'T GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR HIPS WATCH THIS, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS! STEP RIGHT UP, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS! BULK BICEPS' NUTS, IN A BIG FAT SACK TRY MY NUTS, YOU'LL KEEP COMING BACK”
"What in the name of Celestia..." Starlight said in a quavering tone.
In the doorway, a shimmering mane of pastel colors drifted in followed by the alabaster alicorn the mane was attached to. "I should be getting royalties for that," Celestia muttered. She glanced down at the two shocked unicorns on the couch and one non-pulsed dragon. "Ooh, are those cinnamon nuts?"
Giggling in a random guest room of the castle, Pinkie Pie and another Pinkie Pie exchanged a hoofbump. "You were right," one Pinkie says. "That joke just keeps getting funnier every time!
“I know, right?"
Author’s notes take two: And if you liked Bulk’s delicious nuts, you’ll LOVE having him in a tight spot!
“Spike, have you left that cushion at all?” Twilight waved a hoof in front of said purple dragon’s face back and forth, hoping for some kind of a reaction. “It’s been three days and you haven’t moved an inch.”
“I’m fine!” Spike responded, focusing his bloodshot eyes on the television in front of him and reaching for a bowl of gems next to him. “Just fine. Yeah… Uh-huh.”
Twilight narrowed her eyes and sniffed the air around Spike. Almost immediately, her eyes opened wide in shock and disgust as Twilight struggled to decide if she should place one of her hooves over her mouth, or her nose. “Okay, I think you need to take a break from this. Now.”
Spike turned his head, his pupils shrunk to the size of raisins. “One more show, Twilight! Please?!”
“Spike, no! You need a bath, and you’re going to give yourself one if I don’t clean you first!” Punctuating her firm stance, she grabbed Spike’s tail in a small cloud of magic and began dragging him away from the television. "I can't believe things have gotten so bad I have to force you to take a bath, of all things..." She mumbled to herself.
"Baa-aad!" Spike bleated in reply.
Twilight paused and raised an eyebrow. "Spike, Are you feeling alright?" Still holding Spike in her magical field, Twilight raised a foreleg to his forehead, then gently used her hoof to open Spiked mouth as she peered inside. "I think you might be so filthy that you've contracted a case of bleat-tongue." About a foot worth of Spike's thin forked tongue was pulled out as Twilight ran a pair of motherly eyes over it. "Which is doublely alarming as it's supposed to only affect mammals."
Spike slurped back in his tongue and began struggling in Twilight's magical grasp. Grasping and digging at the floor with his claws, he wouldn’t go down without a fight. “No! I mean I’m almost at the series finale of Breaking Baa-aad! I’m begging you, I’m ‘this’ close” — Spike held two of his claws in a pinching position, almost touching each other — “to finishing it, and then I’m done binge-watching for the week! I promise!”
Twilight paused her movement. “And then you’ll scrub those scales clean?”
“I’ll scrub and polish them so hard it’ll make Rarity’s sequin dress look like a tacky disco ball!” Spike blinked, then waved his claws frantically. “Uh, not that it’s that at all! I thought it looked gorgeous!”
Twilight couldn’t help but chuckle at his backpedaling. But just as quick as it escaped her lips, her voice returned to its stern tone. “Fine, one more show. But after that it’s bathtime for you, understand?”
Spike nodded, and Twilight relinquished her grip on his tail. Plopping back on the cushion, Spike settled in for the last show he could watch. Twilight stood at the room’s doorway, keen on ensuring Spike would bathe himself.
But before the show could get started, a big, red face with black and yellow eyes took up the whole screen. Opening his mouth, he began to speak.
“GREETINGS, little ponies!” the TV boomed, with enough force to blow Spike off his cushion. The bowl of gems nearby met a similar fate, spilling its contents all over the floor.
“Spike! Turn down the volume!” Twilight said, clamping an ear with her hoof.
Spike quickly righted himself and ran to the TV, carefully stepping around the scattered gems like navigating a hard, pointy, prismatic minefield. Once he’d reached it, he twisted the volume dial from the “6” it started at to “2”.
“There. Sorry Twilight, I thought that wasn’t too loud earlier—”
The red face zoomed out to reveal a dark and red muscular centaur, arms outstretched widely. “It is I, LORD TIREK! I’m back, and better than ever!” The TV boomed even louder than before, sending Spike tumbling away from it.
“Didn’t you turn it down?!” Twilight asked.
“I did! I don’t know why it made it worse!”
Tirek dropped one arm, the other kept up with a single index finger raised. “However, it wasn’t easy climbing my way back to the top! I’d lost my way many times over, fought battles I almost won, and ultimately trashed my good reputation! You would not believe the lengths I’ve gone to just to get a parole hearing!”
Spike turned to Twilight. “Weren’t you at that parole hearing?”
Twilight nodded. “I was.”
“And you allowed him to leave Tartarus?”
Twilight gave Spike a stern look as she said, “Spike, I’ve forgiven and began tutoring a pony that trapped us in what could have been a struggle for eternity. I think I can forgive a psychopathic leeching centaur that nearly razed Equestria to the ground.”
Spike raised an eyebrow. “Do you still think that now?”
“Seeing him on TV, I’m not sure what to think anymore.”
“However, I come to you now as a changed centaur that has found his path in life. And you can too, with this!” Reaching behind him with the raised hand, Tirek produced a small, thin rectangular-shaped device and held it up close to the camera. “I bring you the product that will save you from being lost forever! This… is iFoundYou!”
“...Twilight?”
“Yes, Spike?”
“Is this reality?”
“Spike, after everything we’ve seen on that TV, questioning reality isn’t realistic anymore.”
Tirek panned the camera away from him and toward a quite sizable map of Equestria sitting on a wooden board on a stand “Need to explore, but can’t read a map? Lose your way, be it night or day?” Tirek faced the map, and charging a ball of energy between his two curled horns, he hurled the ball. “Well screw that map, and don’t be a sap! iFoundYou will show you the way!”
“...Twilight, is he—”
“Rhyming,” Twilight deadpanned, looking at the screen with equal parts disbelief and disturbance. “He… he’s rhyming. I… just…”
“Want to question reality realistically?”
Twilight snapped her head down to Spike. “Don’t turn my words on me right now! This is not the time for that!”
“But don’t take my word for it! Just listen to these testimonials from these extremely satisfied customers!”
The scene shifts over to a tan pony garbed in an architect’s uniform, with a multi-toned grayscale mane ranging from light gray to near black. One of her wings was bandaged, but that didn’t seem to deter her determination as her ruby red eyes gleamed with a matching proud smile.
“I used to be a bit reckless when it came to ancient temples,” Daring Do began. “And there were many times where I was backed into a sticky situation, like right now!” The camera zooms out, showing a few gruff-looking stallions closing in on her as they push her closer to a precarious fall leading into a dark pit. A few vines hung behind her; some were green and not so green, and some were so dry and frail-looking even just breathing on them might cause them to snap.
But as the stallions closed in, something in her pocket buzzed before a booming voice came out loud and clear, “Turn around and take the vine to the left, and swing across the ten-meter gap behind you!”
“Thanks, iFoundYou!” Daring declared as she turned around counterclockwise to her left and leaped for the vine immediately within her sight.
The old, brown, withered vine that broke before she even touched it. Daring’s scream echoed as she fell down the hole.
As she fell, Tirek’s booming voice shouted, “REROUTING!”
The screen faded to static for a moment before Tirek’s big red mug reappeared on the screen. “I wish to clarify that user error in interpreting instructions may cause unintended harm. I clearly referred to the green, healthy vine to her left after she turned around, not the first one she saw as she turned left.”
“Then why didn’t you just say that?!” Twilight shouted at the screen.
Spike rolled his eyes. “You know he can’t hear you, right?”
Twilight merely huffed in response.
“Fortunately, iFoundYou goes through weekly updates to give clearer instructions to its users! Just listen to another satisfied customer after the first month of clarifying updates!”
With a graceful transition of white noise and static, the scene shifted to a place that sat somewhere between a psychedelic fever dream and a twilight zone, with one earth pony aimlessly floating about in the weird, twisted place where gravity refused to behave properly.
“I have no idea where I am!” The earth pony shouted while clinging to his hat and mailbag, lest they float away out and into the weird world he’s entered. “Discord’s house isn’t here! Where did it go?!”
Just as the mailpony wore a sullen look on his face, a bellowing voice answered from his bag, “I heard someone say they were lost!”
The mailpony glanced at his bag. “What the…? Did that come from here?” Opening the flap, he carefully sifted through the contents with one hoof, the other still grasping his hat firmly. After a few moments, he pulled out a thin rectangular device, and examined it up close. “Odd, I don’t recall getting this from the post office…”
“Are you lost?” Tirek’s voice boomed from the device. “Tell me where you wish to go!”
“Uh…” The mailpony turned his head from side to side, looking slightly confused. “I was heading to Discord’s house, but it’s not here? I swear it was here on my last visit—”
“LOCATING DISCORD’S HOUSE!” Tirek shouted, with enough force to send the mailpony spinning off in a different direction. “To your left—REROUTING—in front of you—REROUTING—to your right and below you…” Tirek continued, each shout sending the pony flying in a new direction.
“I can’t stop spinning!” The mailpony yelped, drifting helplessly as the spinning refused to cease.
The scene shifted back to Tirek, scratching his white goatee. “See? Never failed to point out the correct direction he needed to move, despite a zero-gravity environment! How could you ever get lost with such a helpful guide in the grip of one’s hand, paw, talon or hoof?”
Pointing at the screen, Tirek finished, “So what are you waiting for? Get your iFoundYou before I find you!” A long, awkward, uncomfortable pause passed as Tirek continued pointing in silence.
Spike blinked and turned to Twilight. “So is this commercial over, or—”
“GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND BUY MY SYSTEM, LITTLE MAGGOT!”
Spike leaped out of his chair in an instant! “YES, SIR!” he responded before zipping out of the room and out the door.
Twilight looked at the little dust trail Spike left before tracing it back to the television. “I swear to Celestia, I hate you so much right now.”
“THE FEELING IS MUTUAL!” Tirek answered.
“Wait, wha—”
Before Twilight could finish, the commercial finally ended and returned to its regularly scheduled programming.
Twilight blinked and shook her head rapidly. “Okay, you know what? I could use some fresh air. Lots of fresh air. Maybe stop Spike from buying… whatever the heck I just watched. Or do anything to pretend that crazy didn’t happen. Yep!”
With that, Twilight stepped away from the television, out the door, and took the deepest breath she could muster.
Yours truly wants you to ask yourself, "Wouldn't it be nice to take a break? Wouldn't it be nicer if that break was TOTALLY RAD AND FULL OF LIGHTNING?!"
Potential movie spoilers ahoy!
“Hey, you!” a familiar minotaur points his finger directly at the TV screen, staring intently at whoever is on the other side.
“Me?!” Grubber asks, being one of many whoevers in this case, as he brings a hand up to his chest in surprise.
Sitting next to Grubber on a big blue couch, Fizzlepop lets out a heavy sigh. “Grubber, it’s just a trick.”
“Yes, you!” the minotaur stresses as he points even more emphatically.
“I’m pretty thure he’s talking about me, Tempest!”
Tempest simply rolls her eyes as the minotaur motions behind him to the deck and bow of a large zeppelin. “YOU deserve an air cruise!”
Grubber gleefully gasps. “I was juth thinking that!”
Fizzlepop’s forehead knit as she stared upwards- as if silently cursing her fate.
Sitting across the couch next to Trixie, Starlight lets out a derisive “Hah! Deserve it for what?! Eating the castle out of its cake stocks and opening doors for Fizzlepop?! Not to mention your recent attempt to overthrow Equestria WITH previously mentioned associate!”
Fizzlepop leans forward and glares daggers at Starlight as the jagged edges of her horn send off a few errant sparks. Growling out a warning.
“All right, Ms. Pot,” Spike utters sarcastically from an easy chair he’s sharing with Twilight, the pair snuggled up on with a big bucket of popcorn in front of them. Twilight shoots a quick unamused glance at Starlight before returning her gaze to the TV with concern.
“You know Grubber does more than just open doors for me, right?” Fizzlepop snarls out.
Starlight nods with a smug smirk, “I believe I already mentioned his cake eating prowess.”
“Hah!” Trixie exclaims. “Good one!” she adds as she and Starlight share a quick hoof bump.
Grubber licks his lips. “I do have great cake skills… Eating, not baking though.”
“Not helping,” Fizzlepop utters in an irritated tone.
The minotaur speaks up, “Iron Will is certain you’ve had enough free time to consider how much you deserve a cruise as he stood here quietly and patiently waiting. Iron Will will now continue talking about the cruise you deserve!”As he says this, the camera zooms out to reveal more of the zeppelin. The structure around its gas bag has been painted red and black and the front bowsprit, once pointing off towards the front, has be roughly broken like it was snapped off.
“Ouch!” Starlight exclaims jokingly. “The design of that zeppelin is so sharp that I think I cut myself on the edge!”
“I know!” Trixie agrees. “It could really use some purple… and some yellow and light blue stars.”
Fizzlepop smiles at the screen. “I kinda like it…”
Starlight rolls her eyes. “You would…”
“Now Iron Will asks you, what’s the best part about conquering?!”
“Complete control!” Starlight blurts out.
“The forced adoration of those you’ve enslaved!” Trixie adds.
“All the free food!” Grubber chimes in.
“The chance at becoming whole again no matter what the cost!” Fizzlepop calls out excitedly.
From her chair, Twilight let’s out an exasperated groan as a grinning Spike stands up to whisper in her ear, a devious smile on his face. “You know… If some sort of couch-based accident were to happen right now, we’d eliminate a lot of previous and still potential threats to Equestria’s safety… I mean.. one errant flame and whoosh…” Spike spread his claws out in front of him and wiggled them to signify fire.
“Spike!” Twilight shrieked. She took quick note that now all eyes were on her and Spike and she bent down her muzzle to whisper to him. “That’s awful! How could you even suggest such a thing?!” Twilight put on her own dark smile. “Let’s give them another few weeks to get their act together.”
“Point of order, Twilight?” Trixie says. “We all know ‘evil smiles’ when we see them.”
“Yeah,” Grubber chirps, “plenty of experience seein’ ‘em and practicing in the mirror, you know?”
Spike and Twilight give the couch occupants sheepish smiles. “Sorry…” Twilight says. “Just a little joke…”
Starlight returns Twilight’s smile with a less apologetic one. “Look, if you need to scheme, just excuse yourselves and do it outside the room next time.”
“Uh… Okay?!” Twilight replies in surprise.
Spike shakes his head slightly. “You brought this on yourself, Book Horse,” he quips before shoving a load of popcorn in his mouth.
“Iron Will is certain the time he quietly gave you was spent coming up with an answer! But the correct answer is, villains!”
A series of nods and a murmur of understanding sounds of agreement waft from the couch.
Twilight narrows her eyes at the whole display. “If you’ll excuse Spike and I—”
Spike holds up a claw. “Just a sec, Twi.” He points towards the screen. “I want to see where this is going!”
Iron Will suddenly jumps up onto his zeppelin, grabbing the top edge of the deck and flinging himself over with one arm. “And who’s the coolest villain to have threatened Equestria ever?!”
Trixie throws her forehooves up in the air. “The Grrrrrrreeaaat and Powerful Trrrrrrrixie!”
Twilight sighs heavily rolls her eyes. “You never threatened all of Equestria, Trixie! Given the time of year, the answer is probably Nightmare Mo—”
“Rarity!” Spike exclaims.
Twilight glowers down at the dragon.
Spike shrugged. “What? Her nightmare form was smokin’!”
Starlight chuckles to herself before she turns back towards the screen. Iron Will is waiting patiently and grinning at the audience as she takes in the whole of the zeppelin. Her smile fades as she focuses once more on the color scheme and her eyes go wide as they take note of the broken bow. A little “No” escapes her lips as Grubber and Tempest exchange small, but devious grins between them and Grubber rubs his hands together in anticipation
“Iron Will is sure you’ve come up with an answer right now! The correct answer is ‘Tempest Shadow’!” Iron will announces as he pulls a cord, unleashing a giant banner painted with Fizzlepop’s scowling countenance.
“Cha-Ching!” Grubber announces victoriously as he pumps his fist into the air.
Groaning, Starlight buries her face in her forehooves.
“There, there,” Trixie says as she pats Starlight on the back. “Trixie is disappointed it wasn’t her as well…”
Fizzlepop simply stares at the TV with a satisfied smile on her face. “Well, looks like a job for my attorney.”
Starlight uncovers her face and stares at Fizzlepop quizzically. “You have an attorney?!”
Grubber raises a hand. “Yo!” he says simply.
Fizzlepop volleys the quizzical look back in Starlight’s direction. “You don’t?”
Twilight regards the display on the couch with an increasingly unamused expression as her forehead sinks lower and lower over her eyes. “On second thought. Spike, light ‘em u—”
‘KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!’
The group collectively pauses as the castle practically shakes from the booming rhythmic impacts delivered to its front door.
Twilight sighs and steps off the easy chair. “I’ll get it…”
Exchanging glances again, Tempest and Grubber likewise get off the couch and follow behind Twilight. Soon, everyone is out of their seats and leaving the room to the sound of Iron Will shouting, “So pick up your ticket and pay us a visit!” He turned to someone off camera. “Wait, who wrote that one? Was that you Bill? I mean… not going to lie, that was a half-rhyme.”
Twilight arrives at the door shortly thereafter, a small group of the castle’s other occupants behind her.
With a magenta glow of her horn, Twilight cracked open one of the massive double doors to her home, an all-too-familiar grinning face of a minotaur greeting her on the other side. “Ah, well if it isn’t Princess Twilight Sparkle, my old partner!”
“Partner?!” Twilight scoffs and narrows her eyes at the minotaur. “You’ve got a lot of guts coming here after what you pulled!”
“Princess Twilight, I’ll handle this,” Fizzlepop says as she trots up beside the alicorn princess.
Iron Will’s face lights up. “Judging by your cool facial scar and broken horn, you must be the infamous Tempest Shadow!”
Twilight growled. “Her name is Fizzlepop Berrytwist! And she’s not intere—”
Fizzlepop gives Twilight a slight nudge with her shoulder. “I said I’d handle it, Twilight.”
“Oh… Okay…” Twilight replies in an unsure tone. “Just try to fix this with without violence…” She glares up once more at Iron Will. “Though, I’m strongly considering to urge you otherwise…”
“Now, now…” Iron Will holds up his hands defensively in front of him. “We’re all reasonable creatures here!”
Fizzlepop narrows her eyes and smirks up at Iron Will. “Actually, most of us have participated in some form of conquering or another so… No, we’re not.” Fizzlepop punctuates this statement with a few spitting sparks from her horn.
“Remember what I said about violence!” Twilight says hastily. “Remember that it’s a last resort!”
Starlight smiles smugly to herself. “And of course she loses it right away…” She shakes her head. “There’s a pony who just overreacts with about every little thing she does!”
“Hah! I know, right!” Trixie exclaimed. “No matter how many second chances might prance into some ponies’ life, they just can’t help but botch them.”
A deep, deep frown set on Spike’s face, almost as if his lips and forehead sank in an attempt to hit the ground and start digging away from this conversation. “Every time you two talk about Fizzlepop, I grow dumber. Like, a bunch of my brain cells just decide ‘suicide pact’ and pop their cyanide capsules.”
Fizzlepop turns to fix the ponies behind her with a small glower. “I’m quite certain we can address this without violence.”
“You are?!” gasps out the trio of ponies.
A wicked smile dances across Fizzlepop’s lips like lightning flickering amongst a roiling storm. “Oh, I have something much better in mind.”
Grubber rubs his hands expectantly.
Iron Will takes another step back and glances behind him as if he’s considering he should simply get a running start as Spike and the other three ponies began passing back and forth concerned glances.
“Grubber?” Fizzlepop says simply.
Grubber steps forward and clears his throat. “My client wants 50% of all merchandi’the and all cruise ticket profiths.”
“Huh?!” the ponies and Spike exclaim.
Iron Will’s draw drops. “Fi-fifty?! That’s outrageous!”
Grubber continues, “She also will require the zeppelins largetht suite for her use, the use of her attorney, and any guesths she desires to bring with her. She, her attorney, then her guesths also get to be firth in line for all buffet style meals, in that specific order. Any and all activities she’s asked to participate in require her, and her attorney’s review and expressed approval. She will also receive 50% of all profiths from said activities.”
“Iron Will does not agree to these terms!” Iron Will said angrily.
Fizzlepop grinned wickedly. “Too bad. You should have consulted with me before setting up your little cruise. Had you been upfront, we could have negotiated a different percentage.” Her smile fell. “But because this has come to my attention after you’ve used my likeness for advertising purposes, your choices are give me 50% or give me 100% after I drag your non-existant ‘consent and release for use of likeness’ contract having flank to court and my attorney here eats you alive!”
Grubber grins widely as he gnashes his teeth.
Iron Will lets out a defeated, grumbling hum. “Ver-ee well! You bargain hard, I’ll see you at my shipyard, Ms. Berrytwist!” He says as he extends a hand.
Smiling victoriously, Fizzlepop extends a forehoof and allows Iron Will to shake it. “Please… Call me Tempest. Anyhow, I’ll have my attorney pen up a contract.” Tilting her head slightly, Tempest shouts out, “Hey, Starlight. Trixie… You two want to go on a cruise were everypony celebrates you for the bad things you’ve done?”
Starlight’s eyes shot open widely. “What?! Of course we d—”
“DO WE?!” Trixie exclaims enthusiastically. “Of course we do!” She began to dance giddily in place. “Why, Trixie can do her own shows on the Zeppelin!”
“Hey!” Iron Will protested. “Iron Will did not agree to additional activi—”
Tempest raises a forehoof. “Are you about to tell me you’re going to protest to additional activities thrown by more villains on your cruise that you get to pitch as bonuses, but also sell as exclusive attractions you can charge additional fees for? Of which my friends get a share of the profits of course.”
Iron Will’s eyes suddenly fire open wide as the sound of a slot machine hitting jackpot rings in his head. “Iron Will sees your point… And also money signs… Mostly money signs.”
“Now wait just a minute here!” Twilight fumes.
Starlight smiles knowingly as Trixie lets out a heavy sigh. “And here comes Princess Buzzkill to ruin the day!” Trixie says.
Tempest turns to look at Twilight, a bit surprised and disconcerted at the outburst. “I’m sorry, Twilight. Did you wish to come? It wasn’t my intention to exclude you or Spike.”
Spike shakes his head. “I really doubt that’s the problem, Fizzlepop.”
“You’re dang right I want to come!” Twilight explodes.
“... Buuuuut Twilight is full of surprises!” Spike says, his eyes widening.
Starlight’s smile drops.
“I never got to do all the fun things I wanted to my last Zeppelin trip!” Twilight moans. She glances around. “Also, I should probably keep an eye on my friendship students… or some other excuse that sounds sufficiently friendshippy… or not…” Twilight suddenly puts on a slightly askew smile. “I don’t really care!”
Iron Will gives Twilight a scrutinizing look. “Well, Iron Will does maybe owe you, but I you’re not exactly ‘on brand’ for this cruise, Princess.”
Fizzlepop narrows her eyes. “My attorney did state I could bring whomever I desire.”
“Yeah!” Grubber exclaimed. “Either bow down to my power of attorney or pay the price!”
“I got this, Fizzlepop, Grubber” Twilight says as she looks at both Tempest and Grubber in turn. She looks towards Iron Will, her mulberry eyes meeting Iron Will’s yellows. “You know, I feel a sudden desire to vaporize a zeppelin. How’s that for villainous?”
Starlight gasps as an approving smile spreads across Tempest’s lips.
“Oh, yeah!” Grubber cheers, “Princess power!”
“Huh… Well, Trixie is impressed,” Trixie admits.
“I am too!” Spike says. “But I feel it’s a very different type of impressed from yours.”
Iron Will gulps. “Uh… The more the merrier! Welcome to my carrier, Princess Twilight!”
“Oh please,” Twilight replies with a practically pitch black smile, “call me ‘Midnight’.” She turns and starts to trot back into the castle. “Come on, Spike. We’ve got packing to do. I’m thinking we grab a bunch of suitcases and haphazardly toss whatever we feel we might need in them. And we don’t even document what item goes into which suitcase! Muahahahahaha!”
Spike begins to run after Twilight. “But what about all your Princess duties?!”
“I’m being evil, Spike!” Twilight exclaims. “So… buck ‘em!”
“… Yeah! Radical!” Spike exclaims. “Ah’m digging this new ‘tude of yours, Twi! Or shall I say ‘Midnight Sparkle’!”
“You shall, Spike! You shall!”
Both Princess and dragon let loose a cackling laugh that echoes throughout the castle hallways.
Noises of giddy excitement exit from Trixie as she once again prances in place. “I need to pack up all my gear! Come on, Starlight!” she calls out as she races down the castle steps.
“But…!” Starlight lets out a defeated groan and begrudgingly begins her march down the castle steps.
Alone with her Grubber and Iron Will, Tempest motions for Iron Will to follow her into the castle. “Shall we three discuss some other ideas we have inside? We may not look like it, but Grubber and I have lots of experience with marketing.”
Iron Will rubs the back of his head. “Well… Iron Will supposes it only makes sense to discuss the changes to my villain’scruise.”
Grubber clears his throat again. “Your cruise?!”
“Iron Will apologizes, he meant to say ‘our’ cruise.”
“Tha’th right you did!” Grubber exclaims.
Tempest smiles darkly at Iron Will. “Now you’re getting it…” She and Grubber turn and the three walk inside.
“So,” Tempest begins, “what are your thoughts on the Storm King? I mean… He certainly has villain market potential. Maybe there’s room for a life-size statue of him on the deck?”
“Er… Well… Iron Will likes the idea, but It’s a bit short notice.” Iron Will stroked his chin for a moment. “Iron Will doubts he could commission a statue built in this short of time, but Iron Will does have several crates of Storm King actions figures he hoped to sell on the cruise.”
Tempest shook her head. “No, no commission necessary. Just a lot of glue!”
A happy tune strummed on an acoustic guitar rings out as the TV screen comes to life. The word ‘SPELLS’ pops up on the screen in a nice sans serif font and a small, round purple logo with white lettering spelling out ‘Starlight Glimmer’ waits in the corner. A portion of the screen is dedicated to a muted recording of Starlight reading from a scroll and Sunburst holding open a book. Starlight watches proudly as a procession of mice standing on their hind-legs fling themselves out an open window as Sunburst looks on in total abject horror.
The word changes to ‘INCANTATIONS’ as the guitar continues and another video of Starlight appears. This time she is chanting something as Trixie stands by her side. Both mares stare at a massive circle drawn with intersecting lines forming a complex star-like shape in the center. As Starlight’s inaudible chanting continues, thick, tar-like bubbles froth from the center of the circle. Trixie jumps and clutches Starlight tightly as eyes and giant sectioned legs much like those of a spider appear from the inky black void.
Again, the words change. This time to ‘DECORATING’ as a video of Starlight looking at drapes that appear to be made from repurposed multi-color dragon costumes roughly large enough for a pony to fit inside. Starlight points cheerfully at the drapes and begins laughing, and laughing, and laughing… and then crying… and crying and laughing again, this time with a malevolent smile on her face and then crying more pathetically than before as she collapses into a heap of her own tears. The camera pans to Twilight Sparkle, who watches from the doorway with a confused and worried expression on her face as she slowly backs out of the room.
The words and video suddenly disappear as Starlight Glimmer appears on the screen in front of a long, rectangular table, she smiles widely at the camera with lips that are seemingly just a little too symmetrical. “Dolls were always special friends to me when I was young!” Starlight declares to the camera. “They were there for me when no one else was because dolls never leave you—” Starlight’s features turn angry and spiteful for a moment “—even when most every other pony in your life does!”
As quickly as it had appeared, Starlight’s frightful expression leaves. She smiles at the camera once more. “Today on this program, I’m going to show you how you can make your own special doll friends!”
Starlight glances down for a moment as her horn glows an electric blue and cotton stuffing, a length of light-purple fabric, thread and needle, and scissors were floated up as she continued talking, “Now, I hear you saying ‘That’s dumb! I can just ask my dad to buy me all the dolls I want!” Starlight turns to the camera as her smile disappears. “Yes, I heard that, Diamond Tiara. I hear everything!” Starlight’s lips part into a smile once more, but it was a new smile, every bit the shadow-smile of her somewhat disconcerting, but happy-looking smile, trading faux joy for real joy and the symmetry for malevolence. “Go ahead! Run and tell other ponies what you just saw! No pony will EVER believe you!”
“Uh… Starlight?” Spike’s voice calls out from offscreen. “We’re recording and this video is going to be played to everypony, so actually EVERYPONY will believe her.”
“That’s okay!” Starlight assures as her ‘everything is fine’ smile returns. “Because I’m going to make a doll for Diamond Tiara specifically.”
“Oh… That’s… nice?”
Starlight nods her voice breaking into malice for one word as she speaks, “Yes, it’s a good thing.” She says. “Now! As you can see we have all the basic components for making a simple doll.” Starlight points to each thing in turn. “Internals, skin, thread and a piercing implement, a cutting tool! So, with some simple sewing skills…”
“Uh, Starlight?” Spike calls out.
“Yes, Spike?” Starlight replies as she faces the camera. The various items assembled fly at a dizzying speed inside a glow of Starlight’s magic.
“Maybe you should tell the foals at home to do this with parental supervision, ‘cause of the scissors and needle.”
“Why?!” Starlight snaps. “Nopony was there for ME when I made my dolls…”
“Uh…”
“Except for my dad,” Starlight muses as she taps her chin. “But he didn’t understand me, so it DOESN’T COUNT!”
With that, the whirlwind of magic stops and with a final snip of the scissors cutting a loose thread, doll with a happy smile and stitched eyes appears, the doll respectably resembling a pony aside from missing mane and tail.
“Okay, but maybe slow down and discuss how to make the doll?” Spike suggests. “Not everypony can just magic up a perfect doll like you… In fact, pretty much nopony can.”
“No,” Starlight replies simply with a smile. She continues, “Now, remember to collect the most important part for making the doll!” With another flash of magic, a couple tufts of some purple and white strands float up. “Hair of the pony the doll is for! Now this can be hair from a pony you hate, or love, or who gave you a funny look when you were searching for canned gravel, or just… any pony you can get hair from!”
“Wait, is this a Voodoo doll?” Spike asks.
“What? No!”
“Okay, because you know how Twilight feels about the voodoo and you!”
“Who do?”
“You do!”
“Do what?”
“Shouldn’t be practicing Voodoo!” Spike exclaims.
Starlight grins knowingly at the camera. “Spike, Spike, Spike… This isn’t voodoo!”
“Okay, because for a second I thought you were using magic for—”
“It’s just a simple spell that brings that animates the doll into a sort of half-life while the owner of the hair receives the benefit of becoming far more placid and open to suggestion!”
“—aaaand there it is.”
“SO!” Starlight continues. “Once you learn ‘Lucky the Ginger’s Child’s Play spell of Forever Friend’—” Starlight smiles happily at the camera “—Just ask Twilight! She knows the spell and will give you the book that has it if you just ask nicely.”
“Don’t do that,” Spike counters as he takes the time to lean in front of the camera and share a disapproving look with the audience, “Twilight will absolutely just pass the book along without a second thought,” he adds before disappearing behind the camera once more.
“Cast the spell!” Starlight continues as if going down a simple bulleted list. Her horn flashes blue as her head spasms briefly. For a moment, she stares blankly at the camera with unfocused eyes, her head held askew as her horn buzzes and her magic flashes black then red briefly, a single trickle of blood drips from her snout. Diamond Tiara’s hair floats into the air, each strand going wire strait before they impale the head and flank of the doll forming a miniature replication of Diamond Tiara’s hair as they fall into a wavy shape. This is accompanied by a reverberating high-pitched scream from a filly that fills the room and echoes with terror before it turns hallow and goes dead silent.
And then, just like that, blue-gray stitching appears on the flanks of the doll as if sewn from with an invisible needle using thread from inside the doll.
As quickly as it starts, it’s over, and Starlight’s eyes refocus and a smiling again adorns her face as she wipes the blood off her nose with one swift motion of her forehoof. “And once you’ve paid the simple prerequisite price of the spell, you’re done!” Starlight motions to the doll. “A new special friend to comfort you in times of need or even just times of want!”
The doll twitches slightly then spasms. With a sickly ‘click’ one of the legs suddenly goes straight, and then another, and another. Starlight’s smile began to change once again to one of delirious madness as the doll stood on all fours, its head hanging limply off its somewhat misshapen torso. Then with one more gruesome ‘snap’ the head spun around to point upwards as the stitching around the mouth split into a rictus grin of white stuffing. “Awww… there you see?” Starlight says as the doll leaps up and clamps on tightly with all four legs to the right side of her face. “A very special friend,” she says as she closes her eyes and raises her forehooves up to the doll and hugs it even as the doll pulls at her cheek with enough force that the white of Starlight’s eye became visible.
“Uh… Starlight?” Spike says. “Truth be told, I’ve wanted to say something for a while, but I’ve been too terror-stricken to speak. I think this is one of those things you should have ran by literally any pony el…” Spike trails off as a colorful cloth foreleg appears on the table, this one a bright teal. This is followed by another leg from across the table this one cream colored… And then dozens of legs appear as dozens of pony dolls crawl up. Each one sporting the same backwards facing heads and wide, fixed grins of the Diamond Tiara doll. “St-Starlight…?” Spike stammers out even as the dolls gather close together on the table and all turn to face Starlight. “How many dolls did you make?!”
“Oh, uh… How many ponies are there in Ponyville… and also Canterlot?”
“Uh…” The image trembles slightly and changes position, though still pointed at Starlight as the camera pans shakily across the room. “Kinda a lot…”
“Well, then… a bit more than half of kinda a lot!” Starlight replies. With that, the dolls on the table all leap atop Starlight who lets out a startled “Ack!” and falls to the ground with a soft ‘Pomff!’ “Spike, help!” Starlight calls out in a muffled shout as she thrust a forehoof into the air “My special friends all want hugs and I only have two forelegs!” she adds as dolls crawl up her leg and even more climb to the surface of the table.
In one unified action, they all turn to face the camera.
Suddenly the camera jarringly shifts to look at a door, a door that rapidly gets closer to the sound of claws clicking against crystal floors and Spike huffing and puffing. A purple claw appears on the screen briefly as the door is thrown open only to reveal a hallway, walls, and ceiling crawling with more dolls that all turn to look at Spike with their stitched eyes and wide, hungry smiles.
“No, no, no, no!” Spike exclaims as the camera turns to the left revealing a mercifully empty hallway. The image shakes and identical green crystalline doors pass on either end as the telltale audio signs of Spikes frantic retreat continue. A corner is rounded and the camera pans to look down another hallway.
This one is not empty.
This one is also filled with dolls.
“My Celestia, they’re everywhere!” Spike cries, fright gripping his voice. The camera pans again, but there are only more dolls.
Everywhere.
Everywhere the camera points at there are dolls crawling closer and closer as quiet, otherworldly squeaks rise in a chorus from the disturbing mass.
The camera spins one more time and focuses on a door still covered with dolls. Without warning, a jet of green flame splashes against the door and emerald fire spreads across it in all directions. The blaze washes across the dolls on the door which catch fire and fall.
“AH!” Spike yells, the camera panning down to show that the pastel horde of dolls have now gotten ahold of his legs. Some try to pull him down while others climb upwards. With another spray of fire, the floor is suddenly alight with dozens of flailing dolls as Spike’s short legs kick free, sending the flaming pony-shaped things flying in all directions. The door seemingly leaps closer and is thrown open, revealing a crystalline bathroom with a sink, bath, and toilet, and thankfully no dolls.
A door slams.
For a moment, everything is silent except for Spike’s ragged breath.
And then another scream from the dragon as the camera falls with a heavy ‘thunk’ and the sound of breaking glass as its lens cracks and the world turns sideways. Spike stumbles into view, a pink doll with tufts of a purple mane and tail and a grape cutie mark hugging his face. He collapses to the ground as his claws instinctively rise up to pull the intruder from his face. Pink fabric splits and white cotton breaks free of its confines. Spike flings the doll away and it lands right in front of the camera, flailing as it’s empty eyes look onward as an otherworldly death rattle escapes its mouth.
It ceases moving and everything is quiet once more.
Quiet except for the breathing of one small dragon. A dragon who is curled out of focus in the corner of the room.
The video simply stays that way for scores of seconds.
Finally, Spike lets out a massive breath of air.
“Twilight has to see this…” he muses as he crawls on his front and back claws to the camera and reaches behind the lens.
And then the screen goes black.
Sitting on the couch, Twilight Sparkle stares forward with wide-open amethyst eyes fixated on the TV screen. Her pupils shake slightly in their irises, but she stares at the TV even as the black gives way to a screen full of circles, lines, blocks of colors, and one stoic-looking buffalo in a full feather headdress.
Yes, Twilight simply looks onward at what’s a simple test pattern with eyes unblinking.
Because they’re being held open.
By dozens of tiny cloth-hooves of various colors.
“Starlight?” she calls out, trying to keep the fear from her voice. “You figure out that counterspell yet?”
“Oh-hmmm?” Starlight replies from outside the room. “Counterspell! Right! I’ll get right on that just after the dolls finish setting the table…again! And also get bored of this several day long tea party they’re throwing for me and Trixie!”
Trixie’s voice yells out, “Trixie has had nothing but tea and crumpets for the better part of the week and is terrified! You’d think I’d be used to this after so many days, but no. Still scared out of my wits!”
Twilight merely stays on the couch, her eyes still forced to look at the TV even as a simple color pattern fills the screen and. “Spiiiike… You still taking a bath… and holding up in the bathroom?”
“Considering the bathroom has a nearly endless supply of water and food—”
“Wait, food?”
“Well, the WALLS are a bit thinner now.”
“Ah,” Twilight says simply. “Okay, well, I’m going to need you to leave, so get decent.”
“I mean… I’m always naked anyhow and not stepping through that door, so… ‘Done’ and ‘Hell no’ respectively,” Spike answers to the sound of splashing water.
“You’re not going through the door, Spike,” Twilight informs evenly.
“Uh… Okay? Then how—”
With a magenta flash of her horn, Twilight disappears and a pile of dolls fall to the floor. She just as quickly appeared with a magenta flash and a ‘Pomff!’ inside the bathroom, electing a startled yelp from Spike. Before he so much as has time to question what’s going on, she quickly wraps her forelegs and wings around the moist dragon, and pushed off with her back legs, sending both herself and Spike through the window, horn first.
“Because we’re going through the window, Spike!” Twilight shouts as she quickly maneuvers Spike onto her back and spreads her wings.
“WhoaaAHAHAH!” Spike exclaims as he grabs ahold to Twilight for dear life, the ground becoming uncomfortably close as before Twilight glides upwards. “I NOTICED on account of how we JUST did that! Why didn’t you just teleport us both?!”
“NO TIME!” Twilight exclaims.
“But it only takes an INSTAN—”
“JUST SHUT UP AND HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHERE WE CAN FIND A YOUNG PRIEST AND AN OLD PRIEST!”
You scream, I scream, but seriously, Feather Bangs is screaming and someone needs to help the poor guy.
"Hey, Sunset?" Wallflower calls, her phone in hand.
"What's up Flower?" Sunset asks, Looking up from her book.
"Look at this..." Wallflower says, passing her phone to Sunset, blushing more than is usual for her.
Three very beautiful ladies are fanning themselves in front of an old-style saloon, each wearing very delicate petticoats and corsets "I wish there was something... cold to eat, something..." the shortest of them, Fond Feather, says motioning with her fan trying to find the words.
"Tasteful?" the slightly taller, amused Swoon Song says with a tired smile.
"I agr-" Dear Darling pauses, lifting the large sunhat that didn't manage to conceal her bodiced green skin to hold a hand to her ear "Do you hear... bells?"
As both of her friends look up, a shiny, retro-styled ice cream truck rolls up next to them.
"Hello ladies!" a handsome, cream-skinned young man calls, his white and pink soda-parlor uniform pressed and crisp over his narrow shoulders "You three look like you could use a cool, tasty treat to beat this dreary heat."
Swoon blushes and hid behind her fan "What, pray tell, are you offering?"
Feather Bangs grinned "Ice cream! Ice cream unlike any that you've ever had, unique in style and taste! For you, my charming cherry cherub? I suggest 'Chocolate cherry cake swirl'. Slivers of cake and cherry filling swirled with a dark, bittersweet chocolate cream perfectly compliments you, in my opinion." he produces a clear glass bowl of brown, pink, and red ice cream, passing it to Swoon.
"Well now stranger," Fond purrs, smiling salaciously behind her own fan "I'm not so... easily pleased like my friend. What do you have to offer me?"
Oblivious to the flirting directed his way, Feather Bangs disappeared into the back of the truck and returned with a glittering bowl of ice cream "How about something a bit more delicate in taste, but no less enjoyable? I believe this 'Vine serenade' is up to the task. Blueberries from Bearlin, white grapes straight from Roaman vineyards, and blackberries from Maredrid are juiced, fermented and mixed with pure creams and whipped into this wonderfully complex bouquet. And before you fret, it's non-alcoholic." he passes it to her, her eyes gleaming.
"And before you think I've missed you, young lady with the wonderful headwear, I've got something especially nice for you. Something brand new and untried by any other creamery!" he proclaims, Darling touching her hat as a smile grew on her face. She nodded to her friends, who set her hat over the two bowls of ice cream they'd silently set down.
She made her way over to the window of the truck as Feather returned "For one of such obvious dignity, I give to you a mixture that is sure to change you." he set a bowl of dark and light green ice cream in front of her "'Warmth in cool', the gentle heat of chili peppers mixed with the cooling freshness of mint and the creamy texture of slow churned ice cream will not only blow your mind, but soothe your aches and chill your heat-sapped heart." Feather looks around "Where did your friends g-OH!"
Suddenly, the two back tires of the truck deflate, Swoon and Fond having slashed them with knives concealed in their dresses "We like the ice cream, but we want something... more." Darling coos, the back doors of the truck swinging open as Feather looks around nervously "L-ladies?"
The camera zoomes out to a heliotrope hand picking up the hat and motioning to the bowls of ice cream "From our town to yours. 'Our town' brand ice cream." the camera moves up and standing with a smile is a slightly older-looking Starlight Glimmer in a suit "Hi, I'm Starlight Glimmer, owner and founder of 'Our town', and I would like to thank you for watching the video up to this point." she blinks and frowns "...And there was something else I was supposed to- Oh yeah!" she clicks her fingers in realization "I wanted to announce that we're accepting recipes for new flavors and styles! And by that, I mean that if you submit a flavor you'd like to see made, send it to us by using the link hopefully at the bottom of this video's description and if we like it or can make it, we just might make a limited run of it in your area! And if it sells enough, not only will your name and picture be put on the carton, but you'll also get a small percentage of the profits! Because when you help our town, it becomes your town too."
A very girlish scream startles Starlight "Are you okay in there?!"
"We're fine!" the three women call in unison.
"... Okay then." Starlight replies, facing the camera again "And from our town to yours, thank you."
The video ends and Sunset looks up from the phone and starts rubbing her forehead "STARLIGHT!!"
"IDIDNDONUTHIN!!" Starlight calls from another room, making her way to the two girls her arms stuck in a pair of jeans "Uh, Wallflower? I forgot how to pants."
"Ugh, not again." Sunset groans.
"Hey, Human clothing is weird, okay?" Starlight says as her arms are freed from the denim tubes "There are fancy hidden pants underneath your outer pants, you have these teat holders and all sort of other things! So excuse me for not knowing how to use all of them like you do!"
"Starlight." Wallflower calls, holding up her phone.
"Is there something on your mini television box thing?" Starlight asks as Sunset yanks her jeans up.
"Yes, I think we found the you that was born a human." Wallflower replies
"Really? That's great! Who am I?"
"It's better if you look for yourself." Sunset says, pulling out her own phone "I'm going to call Pinkie, see what she knows."
Starlight ignores her, completely entranced by the video.
"Ugh, Equestrians..." Sunset groans, unlocking her phone
