Chapter 1
This is weird.
The grey pegasus had no other words for this… this “thing”.
She had looked it over from all angles (two angles at a time in fact) and still had no idea what it was. The thing on the ground was flat and square but somehow it was also round. It was black but also shiny. She couldn’t figure out what it was so she just settled on describing it. It was weird. The only thing she recognized about this thing was the bright silver apple on its surface. That’s when the thought clicked in her head.
It must be food she thought. So as anypony would when they found a shiny apple just lying on the ground at their feet, she bit it. Okay so biting it was a bad idea. Biting it hurt. Then, as she thought about it more she considered the possibility that it was a hard candy. It only took one lick to discover that this was also not the case. It didn’t taste bad, but it didn’t taste good either. Come to think of it, it really didn’t have a flavor. So she sat there looking at the rounded shiny box with the apple on it.
She couldn’t just leave it there, in the middle of the street. Somebody might chip a tooth doing exactly what she just did. After much thought, or at least what seemed to be much thought, she settled on taking it to the library. Twilight was smart. She’d know what to do. Besides, that was the next stop on the mail route any way.
Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock thump.
“Ow!!” cried the purple unicorn at the door. “Careful Miss Doo”
“Sorry Twilight, I just don’t know what went wrong”
I do, thought the purple mare but she didn’t say it audibly. “You know you can just leave the mail in the mailbox right?”
“I know”, answered the grey mailpony “I just had a question to ask”
“Oh, okay what is it?”
“That’s what I came to ask you, I don’t know what it is”
“No, Ditzy Doo, I meant ‘what is your question?’”
“Ohhhhhhh, okay. What is it?”
The unicorn responded with a puzzled look. “What is what?”
“The black thing”
Still no comprehension. “What black thing, Derp-I mean Ditzy?”
The pegasus stopped hovering over Twilight Sparkle’s doorstep and stuffed her head into the muffin embroidered mailbag. When she pulled her head out, she had the strange black thing in her mouth. I’d like to say she handed it to Twilight but that’s not what happened. Twilight wrapped the black object in a magenta haze like the one around her horn, and floated it over to a table. “Please come in Miss Doo”.
“You can just call me Derpy. It’s more fun, and I don’t mind” offered the grey pegasus in a voice rather fitting of the title.
“Alright then, Derpy, I can’t tell what it does yet but this indentation seems to be a button.” Twilight gestured to a small crater in the face of the object.
Derpy wondered where the apple symbol had disappeared to. It took her only slightly longer than most ponies to figure out that Twilight had turned the shiny box over. Why hadn’t she thought of that herself? Too late to worry now. “Are you gonna press it?”
“We should look at other options. I said it seems to be a button.”
“One way to find out” announced Derpy just before mashing her face into the shiny black box.
Suddenly a picture of an arrow appeared near the button with the word “slide to unlock”
“What does it mean slide to unlock” asked Twilight Sparkle “slide what? And what does it unlock. Is this thing a key? Or is the thing a container?”
“Maybe it means slide the container/key” suggested the local mailmare as she slid the device across the table in the direction shown by the arrow. In the process her hoof slipped and slid the arrow itself across the face of the object.
Suddenly a more pictures appeared on the object- no, Twilight decided this was clearly a device. More pictures popped up on the device’s face. Each picture had words that accompanied it. Twilight read them aloud. “Settings, weather, music, maps, YouTube, Facebook, and… Angry Birds? I have no idea what a YouTube or a Facebook are but I’m really confused about this Angry Birds thing. I have so many questions.
“Calm down Twilight,” she said to herself, “we just have to do this scientifically. I’ll make a list of questions”. She turned to a small purple dragon sleeping in a corner and called.
“Spike, wake up. We have work to do and I need your help.”
“Aww”, whined the dragon drowsily “but I was in the middle of a dream about Rari-… About no one in particular. What do you need?”
“Grab a pen and parchment, we’re making a list. Derpy, I know you’ve got mail duties but I’d like you to come back here when you’re finished. You know more about this thing than I do.”
“Can do Twilight, I’ll be back as soon I deliver all the mail. ‘Cause it’s my job to deliver mail. I’m a mailmare. Even though my cutie mark is bubbles. Why do I have bubbles? Ooh maybe it’s bubble wrap. Bubble wrap goes in the mail. But so does packing peanuts. Why don’t I have packing peanuts? Maybe it’s-“
“Just go!!” shouted Twilight, and off she went.
By the time Derpy returned it was nearly noon and Twilight was nearing the end of her list.
“Question 47: What birds are angry? Question 48: Why are the birds being kept behind the glass? Question 49: Why are the birds angry? I guess we’ll end on a nice round number. Question 50: Are the birds being kept behind glass because they are angry, or are they angry because they are being held behind glass?”
“I’ve got an idea” announced Derpy proudly. “maybe they’re angry because some mean green pigs stole their eggs to make an omelet for the evil pig king”
“A wonderful thought Derpy, but it really doesn’t make sense”, said Twilight politely, like a teacher to a child eating glue.
“Okay. Wait I’ve got a question, what happens when you hold the button instead of just pressing it”
Spike looked over the list and informed Derpy that Twilight had already asked that. “Question 17”
“Oh, alright, then Twilight what’s it called when you do something to see find the answer to a question?”
“Do you mean an experiment?”
“Yes!” she shouted. Then, without warning she smashed her face into the table, pressing the button with her nose.
“Derpy! What are you doing?”
“Ethpuraminting” Derpy mumble through a mouthful of table.
Twilight was beginning to reconsider asking for Derpy’s help when the black device did something entirely unexpected. It spoke to her.
“How can I help you?”
“Umm, hello. Can I ask a question?”
“Ask me anything”
“Well, umm, what are you?”
“I am Siri. I am a personal assistant programmed into your Apple iPhone 4s”
Spike started scribbling notes at the bottom of the list and checking off questions.
Twilight began to analyze that answer. From it and a couple further questions she figured out that the thing on the table was called an iPhone and that Siri was a pony talking to her from inside it. After further questioning the pony in the iPhone Twilight had come to the conclusion that it was not a box for holding maps and weather and irate birds. This thing was more like a picture frame with picture that could be changed with other pictures just by touching the glass. She went on to discover that the device was also capable of capturing pictures like a camera but without film. Derpy suddenly got the idea to test its knowledge by asking it about things other than itself.
“What time is it?” asked the grey and blonde mailmare.
“My clock says that the time is twelve forty-seven in the afternoon”
“Where are you?”
“I don’t know”
“What is my name?”
“Lauren”
Twilight’s eyes suddenly lit up with realization. “Derpy you’re a genius!” she proclaimed.
“Siri what is my name?”
“I just told you, Lauren”
“Alright, Siri, where do I live?”
“I can’t answer that.”
“Darn. Well that didn’t work.” Twilight turned and asked “well any other ideas?”
Derpy sat on her haunches a moment and tapped her forehead with a hoof in thought. Suddenly her face lit up with inspiration. She jumped to her feet and once again lunged face first for the Apple product. She was airborne and speeding to her target before she was brought to a halt by a shroud of purple haze. Twilight set her back on the floor gently but held her in place. “No more ‘experimenting’. Use your words”
“Twi, I’m disabled, not a child.”
“Very well, I’m sorry. What was your idea?”
Derpy dropped back on her haunches and assumed the thinking position once more. After a short time she lit up once more and jumped to her feet. Twilight prepared to pick her up but Derpy stopped and once more returned to sitting. This time she raised her hand like a little school filly giving Twilight a look that she assumed to be offense but with one eye simultaneously watching the carpet she wasn’t sure.
“Yes, Derpy, what was your idea?”
“Oh, wait, umm, it’s not quite an idea.”
“Hmm?”
“I just wanted to touch the mad birds thingy.”
Spike looked up from his note taking and at the purple unicorn standing between Derpy and the phone. “Let her do it, I’m curious too. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?”
Twilight, begrudgingly stepped aside. Derpy approached the device on the table, this time slowly, afraid of Twilight would put her back on the carpet and start everything over. She looked at the phone and was only mildly discouraged by the fact that it had gone dark.
“Hello?” she called “Siri? Wake up, Siri”
There was no response.
“Just do what you did earlier”, instructed Ponyville’s librarian.
Derpy, to Twilight’s dismay, did exactly that. She, for the third time since finding the phone, smashed her face into the table, depressing the button. When the arrow and its instructions appeared on screen she pushed the phone across the table in the direction shown. But this time it didn’t start up. She turned to face Twilight Sparkle with a look of shame and ignorance that made the unicorn pity her. That pity was totally lost a second later. “I just don’t know what went wrong.”
“Touch the screen, Derpy” all compassion gone from the unicorn’s voice “were you paying attention at all when we were testing it earlier?”
“I was thinking about birds”
Twilight opened her mouth to give a quip about bird brains, but thought better of it. She closed her mouth and motioned for Derpy to go ahead.
It took Derpy three tries to unlock the phone. Twilight observed that this was not entirely Derpy’s fault. It was becoming more apparent that this thing was not meant to be used by ponies. Derpy got the phone to cooperate and arrived at the home menu. She reached out her hoof to open the “app”, as it is called, labeled Angry Birds, only to open the YouTube app by mistake. No, thought Twilight, not meant for Ponies.
The application had a number of images displayed, each one, according to Siri, corresponding to a motion picture. Under the title Suggestions was an image of three odd looking creatures not entirely dissimilar from the Cutie Mark Crusaders, a few creatures like hairless monkeys, and… Was that her brother and his fiancé?! Before she could look any further into the video of Shining Armor and Cadence Derpy depressed the “home” button and brought the phone back to its primary menu.
This time when Derpy attempted to open the bird app, she succeeded in tapping her intended target.
The application opened with a bit of sing song-y music and a flourish of color.
Twilight watched over Derpy’s shoulder as a series of pictures illustrated the prologue of the game.
“Omelet for the pig king… I never would have guessed.”