Careers are hard
WARNING: Contains adult language and depictions of drug use.
NOTE: Cover image done by a friend as a parody of Stoned Trixie, which I love. Click image source for details.
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The Hardest Choice makes it easier to relax - By PHONEbronY
Smoke wreathed in flames streaked across the sky and lightning lashed all around it. Every bench in the stadium was filled with whooping pony fans and they were all staring upwards with their hooves were raised to the sky. Music thumped out into the air at a constantly increasing pace, but their maneuvers were right in time with the tempo, speeding to match. The Wonderbolts performed stunt after stunt, flying faster and faster with every trick seeming inches from disaster, and the crowd worshiped it with their cheers and gasps.
Rainbow Dash was looking down on it all from close to her maximum altitude. She tugged at her form fitting Wonderbolts flight suit and sighed. She got to perform in the for most of every show, but then after a break she had to fly way up for the finale. It was the same thing every time, wait and wait until the right moment and then. The song hit the part she had been waiting for, and she shot downwards accelerating hard. The goggles kept her vision safe, but at this altitude she liked to close her eyes and enjoy the wind whipping along her body. Her rainbow mane and tail streamed out behind her, but there was no way she was visible to the crowd below yet. All they could see was the intricate routine of the team below. Rainbow Dash smiled at the wind racing past and focused her will forward--she might have gotten the technique down perfectly, but that didn’t mean it was easy to do. The concentration and effort required was massive, and she knew few could control such extreme flying.
The tempo in the music changed drastically. Powerful bass rumbled out from the surrounding speakers, and the team below began a new pattern with their contrails twisting together and breaking apart. Rainbow Dash poured every ounce of speed into her descent and popped open her eyes to watch the spectacle of smashing clear through the magical-speed barrier. Everypony could do it in theory, but something about her chromatic mane made it one hell of a light show. She watched the cone spread out before her and grinned in anticipation. The crowd began to roar in excitement as the multicolored streak came into view for them. The Wonderbolts below had all surged together and were racing up to meet her. She was like a rainbow meteor headed for impact; the energy she was building up started arcing outwards as the music built to a pounding crescendo. Everypony watched them in awe, watched her in awe, knowing what was about to happen. Sound disappeared inside the cone and magic pulsed within her before the air was ripped apart. Just a fraction of a second before she plowed into the pegasi rising from below, it went off. The roar of the crowd was lost and even the massive sound system was eclipsed by the sonic detonation that flowed outwards from her in a rainbow blast-wave. She rocketed between the Wonderbolts as they all broke outwards beneath her, every member of the team firing off their own magical contrails as they surged downwards behind her. Every pony began spiraling their contrail around Dash’s rainbow trail. Straining against the forces she pulled back and decelerated steadily to regroup into formation with the others. Together they returned back up into the arena for the finale with every member present; but for Rainbow Dash the thrill of the moment had passed. The routine was second nature to her by now, and she went through the motions alongside the others without issue. It was a hollow feeling, and she barely even noticed the whooping cheers of the crowd anymore.
-----
The hollow sobs and warm tears only came at night when she was unwitnessed. Standing here, under the locker room showers, there was only a numb feeling of disappointment. The bustling of her fellow Wonderbolts continued on every side. She had been a part of it all at first, flirting with some of the colts and even a few of the fillies, everypony laughing in good natured competition. Always a bet to see who could outperform whom, plans for drinks somewhere after the show, questions about family members or special someponies. It had been everything she dreamed of from the moment she passed her audition, they had all been so warm and friendly once she was on the inside. Every show had been an amazing adrenaline fueled ride, but after only a single year with the Wonderbolts, she found herself wondering what the point of it all was.
Eventually, most of the activity left the room, and she turned off the shower to go dry herself. A familiar figure was leaning against the tiled wall, staring at her with a concerned expression.
“What do you want, Soarin? It’s a bit creepy waiting around like that for me.” Dash couldn’t be bothered to meet his eyes. They had become friends almost instantly upon her acceptance to the squad, he was by far the most easygoing of the crew, but all her relationships had suffered in the past months.
“Dash, listen for a moment okay?” His tone was serious enough that she paused and looked up. “Dash, everypony’s worried about you. Not your performance, you’re still spectacular out there,” He paused to give her a searching look. “but out of the spotlight, you seem lifeless compared to how you were before.” Soarin threw a towel over. “Look, I’m just here to ask what’s up, and as your friends, we want to know if we can help. The Wonderbolts have never been about just one pony, and we all stick together. Talk to me, or even if you don’t want to talk to boring ol’ me, at least talk to somepony else so we can understand.”
Dash looked at him and sighed softly; she knew it was as good a time as any. She began drying her mane to distract her hooves while she talked. “It’s just not enough. it's missing something important, and I’m not enjoying this anymore. It’s so shallow and pointless to me.”
Soarin nodded, “You were the weatherpony for that hick town near Canterlot, weren’t you?”
Dash rolled her eyes and smiled despite her mood, he always gave her grief about being from a small town. “Yeah, that’s right. I loved Ponyville... I mean, I worked hard to get into the Wonderbolts while I was there, but I never stopped to realize just how good things were back there. Every moment was spent working towards being a Wonderbolt.”
“Well, when did you last see those cute friends of yours? The other super magical Elements of Harmony.” Soarin grinned as Dash glared at him.
“You’re still jealous I’m a legendary Equestrian hero, are you?” Dash’s smile faded and a pained look came into her eyes. “I haven’t seen them for about six months since the doubt started to creep in. I just don’t know what I would tell them. Every day training for this goal, all my dreams were of where I am right now Soarin.”
Soarin shook his head. “Look, Dash. We all get our satisfaction out of life differently. You’re an amazing flier and I know you love to show what you’re capable of. While our fans may love us, they don’t appreciate us. Maybe you need something more substantial than the adoration of fans. You always talk about the crazy things you and your friends did, and I swear to the goddesses I’ve lost track of how often I’ve heard you tell ponies about the times you saved Equestria.” Soarin gave her a wry grin and the pair wandered out of the showers into the now empty locker room. “Dash, you’re a genuine hero, and a good friend to anypony lucky enough to get close. I think you need to take a break from the team.”
Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped “What? I can’t do that. The festival season is just about to start, and-”
“Maybe I didn’t make that one clear Dash. For your own good, you’re off the squad for the rest of the season. BUT, it’s just for the rest of this season that you’re on leave. We really, really hope you’ll decide to come back next year, but you need to figure out what you want and need in your life.”
Dash felt her knees give and she sank down onto her rear. Soarin winced when he saw her devastated expression staring up at him. “Soarin, all I ever wanted my whole life was to be a Wonderbolt, and it’s not enough. What am I supposed to do now? I...” Dash’s head sank to her chest. “I know you’re right." Dash blinked hard, determined to fight off the tears. "I just don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life when I get everything I ever dreamed of and it’s not good enough...”
Soarin leaned over and hugged her. “Look, you’ve made friends here too, and once a Wonderbolt, always a Wonderbolt. You don’t have to stay away from the team till next season, you're always welcome to hang. Spend some time in Ponyville, and then do what you want.”
Dash returned the hug and forced back a sniffle. “Thanks, Soarin. I guess I’ll pack and head back to Ponyville tonight.” She tightened the hug, wrapping a hoof tightly around his neck. “One thing though, If you tell anypony I almost cried, I will end you.”
-----
The ground passed slowly beneath her as Rainbow Dash flew languidly over the countryside. She could see Ponyville ahead, and her familiarity with the town meant she could already identify the various buildings, all of which did nothing to soothe the butterflies in her stomach. Frustrated, she chose to land just outside town and perched in a tree to collect her thoughts. She didn’t even know where to go first.
Time rolled by, but whenever Dash started to relax, her nerves kicked in, twisting her gut and causing a surge of panic. After what felt like forever trying to come up with a plan, she gave an exasperated moan and kicked the tree in frustration. A voice from below startled her.
“I was used to nature being quite the pacifist, never before did I meet a tree that was a masochist.”
Rainbow Dash panicked for a moment, looking around, but realized there really was no other option but to exit the tree and say hello. She popped her head out with a sheepish grin and looked down. “Uhh, hey Zecora, sorry to surprise you like that.”
Zecora blinked up at her looking stunned. “Well, now, there’s a big surprise, surely you’re not so famous you wear a tree for a disguise? It must be difficult though, trying to hide when you’re a rainbow.”
“Okay, yeah, whatever that means, I wasn’t trying to hide... I was just-” Dash stopped. She was no closer to an answer. “I guess I’m just here to visit everypony again.”
Zecora tilted her head and gave a knowing smile. “The Element of Loyalty will always come back, but why, friend Rainbow, have you strayed from the track? Sitting outside in a tree? Seems unusual to me.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and fluttered down from the tree to land in front of Zecora. “Yeah, alright, you have a point there. I guess I’m a bit nervous about seeing them again. It’s been a while and well... things have been difficult lately.” She hadn’t ever spoken much with Zecora, but the reclusive zebra was always at local events, and Rainbow Dash considered her a good friend after the countless times she had helped Ponyville out. “I guess I’m back here because things aren’t going so great with the Wonderbolts and I’m...” Rainbow Dash shrugged at Zecora who smiled sympathetically.
“Sounds to me, Rainbow Dash, like you need to hit some hash.”
Rainbow’s brow furrowed and she cocked her head quizzically. “Uhh, what does that mean, Zecora?”
Zecora grinned wide and her eyes sparkled. “Where I come from, there is a proverb wise ponies are fond of spewing. If you are jobless and not getting high, then just what the fuck are you doing?”
Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure what the hell she was supposed to say. The terms being used by Zecora weren’t even familiar to her. “Look Zecora, I don’t quite get what you’re talking about, but I should get into town to see everypony before it gets too late.”
Zecora rolled her eyes and reached back into her saddlebags. “You are a good friend Rainbow Dash, have a bag from my personal stash. You suffer from a great deal of anguish and stress? This herb’s uses, Miss Sparkle will no doubt guess.” Zecora was smiling playfully as she handed over a large weighty bag full of a green plant.
Dash turned the bag this way and that before shrugging and stuffing it into her own saddlebag. “Whatever you say Zecora, thank you for the gift. I’ll swing by later on in the week to say hi if you don’t come into town before then.”
Zecora winked. “Enjoy your reunion without a worry, now on to Ponyville, you should hurry.”
Rainbow Dash took off and headed towards the town. Zecora watched her disappear with a wry grin. She started trotting towards the Everfree forest and her own cosy home. The zebra chuckled to herself as she entered the dark woods. “Now what kind of hell will tonight be raised, when Ponyville’s heroes decide to get blazed?”
-----
Rainbow Dash landed in front of the library and looked around nervously. Absolutely no closer to coming up with a plan of action, she had simply decided to go to the one place she knew there would be space to sleep. She had moved her cloud home over to just outside Cloudsdale and no longer had a place to stay in Ponyville. Twilight was the only one who actually had a spare room with a bed that Dash felt comfortable staying with. It made her the obvious first stop, not to mention how level headed she always was. She steeled herself and approached the door, at which point it burst open and Pinkie Pie leaped out onto her.
“Ohmygoshohmygosh OH MY GOSH you’re heeeeeere!” Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down as she hugged Dash who wobbled around like a stuffed toy.
“Pinkie, dammit, simmer down, you’re shaking my head off!” She was laughing through her complaints, though, and hugged the bouncing pony back, eliciting a squawk of surprise.
“Holy quacamole Rainbow, you got BUFF, you nearly squashed me with that hug.” The pink pony was still bouncing in front of her, barely capable of containing so much excitement.
Dash shook her head and ruffled her friends mane. “I’m glad to see you too Pinkie. They work us pretty hard in the Wonderbolts; I’ve been training almost daily since I joined.”
Twilight poked her head out the door and her face lit up in a huge smile. “Dash, It’s so good to see you again!” She galloped forward and the pair embraced her in a big hug.
Pinkie giggled happily. “Well, all that training explains why we haven’t seen you in so long!” Dash winced and while Pinkie missed it, Twilight, who was just breaking the hug, raised a brow at Dash. Pinkie carried on, oblivious. “Oh, I am going to organize such a HUGE welcome back party for you!”
Dash had been expecting this and grabbed Pinkie by the shoulders. “Oh no, not a chance, not yet at least. I doubt I can stop you from throwing a damned parade sometime soon, but not tonight... I just want to see you guys and the rest of the gang.” She smiled an apology at Pinkie, “Look, I’m back for a few days at least, so for tonight, nothing big.”
Pinkie nodded enthusiastically. “Okay Dashie, whatever you want!”
Twilight clopped her hooves excitedly and giggled, “Oh goody, we can all get together here at the Library! Rainbow, you’re totally welcome to stay in the guest room as long as you want! Spike, SPIKE!”
Rainbow flinched back from Twilight’s yelling for her assistant. Spike staggered out into the sunlight and blinked groggily around. “What, Twi? I swear, you wait until I fall asleep to need me...”
Twilight flashed an apologetic smile at her friends, “Uhh, sorry, Spike, but look! It’s Rainbow Dash, back to visit for a while.”
Spike looked over and blinked at Dash. “Right so you want the guest room made up for her to stay. Okay then.” He turned around and walked back into the library. “Good to see you back, Rainbow Dash,” called Spike from inside.
Twilight chuckled nervously and shuffled awkwardly. “Alright... well, sorry about that, Rainbow, adolescence you know. Umm, well, Pinkie how about you go invite everypony over for tonight? I’m sure they will all find time for this. I’ll get Dash settled in here, and we can all prepare for a party in, say, six hours? I know Applejack is never available on short notice, and Rarity needs at least that long to get ready.”
The trio giggled and all gathered together for a group hug. Rainbow sighed happily and squeezed her friends. Pinkie pretended she was being crushed and Twilight joined in, flailing in terror. Rainbow laughed and hugged them all tighter until they all fell down in a giggling heap.
Pinkie bounced back to her feet with ease and gave an excited squee. “Ohh, this will be great, I’ll make sure everything is perfect for tonight. I’ll go see Rarity first!” With that announcement Pinkie sped off towards Carousel Boutique in a cloud of dust.
Twilight and Rainbow Dash dusted themselves off and settled on their hooves. “Well Rainbow, come on in. Would you like something to drink? I was brewing a pot of tea just before you arrived.” She turned and headed into the Library.
Rainbow followed and found herself smiling as she took in the familiar surroundings. “Sure thing, Twilight, something to drink would be awesome.” She removed her bag and sat in a cozy reading chair. Her eyes were dragged towards a poster dominating part of the room, and she couldn’t help reading it aloud in an awed tone. “Daring Do in The Ferocious Forest. Can Daring Do save a small town from the monsters rampaging out of the terrifying Neversafe Woods? With the odds stacked against her, Daring’s only hope lies in finding out why the monsters are leaving, by traveling to the heart of the deadliest forest in the world.” Dash made an excited squeal. ”So awesome!” Something thumped softly onto the chair next to her, and Rainbow looked down to see a book with the same image on it as the poster above.
“Because this is a public library, I can get advance copies of books. It’s not supposed to be out on the shelves yet, but I figure we can make an exception for you.” Twilight grinned at the excited glint in her friends eyes, and figured further questions could wait. Dash needed to unwind first; she placed a cup of tea on the table in front of her friend, and left her to read.
-----
Hours later, Twilight walked back into the reading corner, levitating yet another fresh pot of tea and her own cup behind her. Rainbow Dash flipped the book closed and grinned excitedly at her friend. “That was so awesome.”
Twilight grinned, “So you said a moment ago when you finished it the first time! How many times are you going to re-read the ending?”
Rainbow Dash picked up the book and hugged it tight. “Until I can remember it by heart.” She watched as Twilight simultaneously poured out fresh tea into two levitated cups, placed a plate of biscuits and small sandwiches down, fluffed the pillows on her chair, re-shelved several stacks of books she had been looking through and even opened wide the curtains to let the afternoon sun fill the Library, all in the space of a couple seconds. “Whoa, Twi, I guess I’m not the only one who’s been training hard. You can do all that at the same time with your magic?” She plucked her refilled cup out of the air and settled in to let it cool a little before sipping.
Twilight blushed as she sat down on another couch. “Oh, well, to be honest, that’s nothing. I sometimes give myself a headache trying to write as many scrolls as I can at the same time, all with different things on them.”
Rainbow Dash felt herself getting a headache even trying to understand how one pony could do all that, and gave up quickly. She blew on her tea and tasted a small sip with a content sigh. “Mmm... thanks for this, Twi, and also for letting me stay here. I hoped you’d still have the spare room.”
Twilight nodded and gestured to where the sounds of Spike shoving around furniture could be heard. “Oh, of course; Spike has his own room now upstairs, but that downstairs room remains as a place for visitors to study quietly in private if they want to.” She gave a snort. “Not that anypony does. Tell me though Rainbow, what brings you back so suddenly like this?” She locked her eyes onto Dash’s with a concerned stare. “You wrote back so often at first, and then you all but stopped. We only knew you were okay because Scootaloo felt it necessary to inform everypony about your every performance. She absolutely loved the flight suit you sent back for her, by the way.” Twilight’s expression softened. “We’ve been worried about you Dash, and I can tell this isn’t just a visit to say hi. Talk to me, please?”
Rainbow Dash couldn’t avoid Twilight’s searching gaze and looked back at her friend almost blankly. She wondered where on earth to begin. “Twilight, being a Wonderbolt is fantastic... no. It WAS fantastic, but it just doesn’t make me feel like it used to. To be honest, the work hasn’t become worse at all or anything; I know the other Wonderbolts better now, I’m more familiar with the routines, and I even get to have input on the new stunts and displays. It’s absolutely everything I dreamed of.” Her tail flicked as her sentence tapered off.
Twilight gave a soft nod and sipped at her tea. “But it’s not keeping you satisfied?”
Dash hung her head sadly. “No, it’s not. Twilight, I had only one dream my entire life, to be an amazing Wonderbolt and now I’ve done it. I’m right where I wanted to be after all the hard work, and it’s exactly what I dreamed of. So why am I not happy with that?” She looked down, staring into the depths of her teacup.
“Dash, I don’t have an answer to that. I can’t tell you what your life means to you and what makes you happy.” The warmth in Twilight’s voice pulled Dash’s eyes up to meet hers. “I can tell you, Rainbow Dash, that you make your friends happy, and that all of us want nothing more than to see you happy too. Whatever it is you need, however we can help, we will be there, and together, we can fix this.”
Rainbow Dash felt the weight on her shoulders ease with Twilight’s words and she smiled at her friend. “Thanks Twilight, that means a lot... but I’m still worried you know? It doesn’t make any sense to me, and they actually sent me away Twi. The Wonderbolts kicked me out until I get myself in order. I guess I was just too miserable for them to want to put up with me anymore.” Dash’s voice trembled slightly.
“Oh Dash, don’t talk like that, I’ve read the interviews and the reviews of your shows. You’re super popular, your teammates really seem to respect you and... okay, what IS that weird smell? It’s been getting worse.”
Rainbow Dash sniffed the air and frowned. “No idea Twilight...where’s it coming from?” It was a strange musty smell, not unpleasant, but weird and it hung heavy in the air.
Twilight hopped to her hooves and sniffed around. “It smells like... like damp, moldy scrolls or something.” She frowned. “It’s coming from...” Twilight sniffed her away around the room until she paused next to Rainbow’s pegasus saddle bags. “Oh, umm, I guess it’s coming from here? The heck Rainbow? Do you have your sweaty flight-suit in there or something?”
Rainbow grimaced, “No... trust me on this one, Twilight, if that was in there, you’d have noticed a lot sooner. I’m not sure what the smell is.” She shuffled off the couch and wandered over sniffing at the air. Standing before the bag she popped it open and immediately out fell the large bag Zecora had given her. She bent down and sniffed at the bag. “Whooweee, I guess it’s this that smells so strongly. I didn’t notice it smelled like this before. Sorry, Twilight, Zecora gave it to me.”
Twilight sniffed at the bag experimentally and picked it up with her magic, turning it around and examining it. “Zecora gave you this? Did she say why? I think maybe I recognize it, but I don’t quite remember.”
Dash nodded and poked the levitating bag. “Oh sure, she said it was something to do with stress relief, and that you’d know what to do with it.”
“Stress relief?” Twilight hemmed to herself as she examined the bag. Her horn glowed and a green book levitated down from the shelf to hover in front of her.
Dash read the title and recognized 'Supernaturals'. She winced at the memory of Poison Joke. “Uhh Twilight, is this stuff dangerous maybe?”
Twilight gave her a shocked look. “Rainbow, Zecora would never just give you something dangerous without explaining it. Besides, she told you to bring it to me to figure out rather than try to explain it to you. Ahah, here we are.” Twilight stabbed at the page with a hoof. “Cannabis.”
Rainbow Dash blinked and looked at the bag of stinky green plant bits. “Alright, so that doesn’t exactly tell me what it is, Twilight.”
Twilight gave a sheepish grin, “Right, here let me read you a bit of this, there’s always a brief explanation before the details. Cannabis has many benefits in potion making due to it’s ability to relax a patient and also to make other more harmful ingredients less likely to upset digestion. It can cause feelings of euphoria when ingested. However it is also traditionally dried out, ground up and then smoked in pipes as part of everyday Zebra social gatherings. It goes on here to list the specific effects and uses.” Twilight pored over the information while Dash looked on. “This stuff isn’t really common here, except in medicine. And, of course, all of our scrolls and paper are made from hemp, which is part of the plant. Oh and did you know tha-”
“Yeah okay Twilight it’s wonderful and magical. Why did Zecora give me this huge bag of the stuff?” Dash eyed up the bag thoughtfully. “Should I just eat it?”
“What? No, Rainbow, don’t be crazy. It says here it’s not really toxic or even remotely dangerous, but I can’t imagine just eating a whole bunch of anything like this is a great idea.”
The pair stared at the bag for a few moments. Then Twilight levitated the plate of sandwiches over. She placed the bag down on a table and the sandwiches beside it. “It’s not long till the others should be showing up but I guess we can just throw some on a couple of these sandwiches and give it a try. What do you think, Rainbow?” Twilight opened the bag and removed the top layer bread from two of the sandwiches.
“Uhh, sure, Twi, I mean, you’re the expert, so go ahead. However much you think is a good idea.” Dash watched with interest as Twilight took just enough of the herb from the bag to cover each sandwich before carefully placing the tops back on. The amount they had taken from the bag had not even made a dent in its size. “Hmm, Twilight, we should probably make a sandwich each for the others to have when they get here.”
Twilight nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yes, I agree, there does seem to be plenty to go around.” She carefully made up the rest of the plate into one sandwich each for her friends, and another extra for Spike that she set aside. She had no idea where he had gotten to, but she assumed he was napping, so she levitated a plate with a sandwich fit for a growing dragon just outside his door. Finished preparing the others, she looked to Rainbow and gestured to a sandwich. “Well, let’s give it a try.”
Dash shrugged and picked up her sandwich, lifted it to her mouth, and took a bite. She chewed carefully for a few moments. At about the same moment both her and Twilight made a face. “Well Twi, these daffodil and hay sandwiches now taste like daffodils, hay, and tree bark.”
Twilight nodded but giggled. “My favourite.”
Dash laughed too, and the pair took another mouthful each. It wasn’t unpleasant, just an unusual taste, and was awfully dry compared to the sweet daffodils and fresh hay. They chowed down their sandwiches together and stood there afterward, staring at each other.
“Uhh Twi, is it supposed to be doing anything?” Dash poked herself in the belly and frowned. “I’m not noticing anything different.”
Twilight rolled her eyes gently. “Of course not Dash; do you get drunk immediately after downing a hard cider?”
Rainbow Dash blushed crimson and looked away, a number of vivid memories about going drinking with the Wonderbolts surfacing. “Uhh, good point, Twilight. Still what else did it say about ways to use this stuff? I don’t want to end up just eating hoof-fulls of it all night.”
Twilight grinned mischievously. “I saw that blush, Dash, don’t think Pinkie won’t drag your stories out of you later on. Anyway, according to the book, there was talk of smoking it, in other words breathing in the smoke it creates when burned. The book mentioned pipes and had a picture, but I have nothing like that. Maybe if we just tried burning a bunch like incense? It will also be less potent that way.”
Dash shrugged, “Again, you’re the expert. Let’s do that and then get this place ready, they should all be here in a few moments.”
-----
Pinkie Pie was close to exhausted. She had only just managed to get everypony ready on time. First Rarity had needed help with her work, or there was no way she could possibly have enough time to get ready for the party. Then, Applejack had been unable to go, unless the fence for the sheep pen was repaired that day, meaning Pinkie had to lend a hoof. Hours of hard labor later she got to Fluttershy’s cottage and there was no sign of the yellow pegasus. It had taken forever just to find her out in Whitetail Wood releasing some creatures recently nursed back to health. After all that had been done, she had only just enough time to get clean and head straight out to meet everypony at the library. Pinkie had grabbed her emergency adult pony party bag, which contained a few games, but mostly assorted alcohol and balloons, the surefire way to make any party a success. She had stuffed a few silly hats in for good measure, but the party pony was utterly devastated she had not found time to make any treats for the party. She knew Applejack would bring a few snacks and Fluttershy always showed up with the same thing. Rarity would bring some bottles of something fancy to share around and Twilight usually had something prepared. Pinkie took a deep breath and focused her scattered thoughts, it was party time. There was only the party ahead. Just down the road she could see that Fluttershy and Rarity were arriving together, with Applejack just coming around the corner down the road.
The group met up just outside the library, and Applejack pushed the door open. Smoke billowed out into the street and the group coughed instinctively.
“Now what in the hay is going on here.” Applejack fanned her hat in a futile attempt to clear some of the smoke. “Did those two burn something in the oven? This sure is a funny smelling smoke.”
Fluttershy peeked around the corner. “Oh no, what if they’re hurt? We should make sure they’re alright.”
Rarity sniffed the air cautiously and frowned as Pinkie Pie bounced into the building.
“Alright, y’all, let’s get in here and make sure they’re all right. I can't feel any heat from a fire but still.” Together they all headed inside and Rarity paused to close the door behind them.
Rainbow Dash appeared on the upper floor leaning unsteadily against the balcony. “Holy shit, it’s you guys. Where were you this whole time? It’s been...” Rainbow stared at her wrist.
It was a while before Applejack spoke up. “Uhh, Rainbow, y’ain’t wearing a watch.”
“Oh, alright, well does one of you have the time? Hang on, I’ll come get it.” Dash stepped onto the railing and out into the open, where she plummeted down and thudded into the floor in front of Rarity.
Rolling her eyes Rarity addressed the pancaked pegasus, “Darling, how good to see you again. I see you started the party without us.”
Fluttershy squeaked in wide eyed terror and a torrent of 'oh my’s.'
Applejack shook her head and sighed as she reached out to help steady her friend back to her hooves. “Rainbow Dash, we are in fact here exactly on time. Where the heck is Twilight, and are you two okay? What’s all this smoke?”
“THE SMOKE IS SCIENCE.” Twilight popped up from behind a couch and gestured at a beaker she had balanced over a bunsen flame. The beaker was producing copious amounts of smoke. Twilight shook her head attempting to clear it a bit and grinned at her friends. “Look you guys. Zecora hooked us up with some... stuff, It’s magical. I promise you it’s actually safer than booze and look.” Twilight held up the plate with the sandwiches, “It comes in convenient sandwich format.”
Rainbow Dash giggled, “It tastes like tree butt.”
Applejack raised a brow at Twilight Sparkle. “Uhh, listen Twilight, y’all do realize you’re acting a bit weird right this moment?”
Rarity waved a hoof dismissively at her friend. “Oh lighten up Applejack, they’re acting no more weird than we do after a night of drinking, they’ve simply started partying a bit early, and so we’re not up to speed. I can assure you dear, Twilight is right, I recognize the smell from some of the parties in Canterlot.” Rarity took the plate from Twilight’s own magic and levitated it to the group. “This stuff is perfectly harmless. They say even the Princesses partake on occasion. I believe the name is cannabis.”
Applejack and Fluttershy nodded at the same time. “Oh, i’ve seen that growing wild near the Everfree forest on occasion.” Murmured Fluttershy.
Applejack was still nodding, “Yup, every farmer knows that stuff, it’s how you get hemp. That there is one of the most important crops in all Equestria. Ropes, fabrics and paper to name just a few uses”
Rarity studied her sandwich. “Well friends, I suppose we shall have to endeavor to catch up. I suggest we eat these and break out the bottles I brought along. I figured for Rainbow Dash’s return I could break out the good stuff, I brought some of the finest triple-distilled Royal Cellars brand Moonpool Vodka.”
Not to be outdone Applejack produced one of the several bottles in her saddlebags. “Apple family private reserve’s hardest apple cider. Couldn’t even begin to tell you the proof on this stuff. Big Macintosh sent along a pie for you too Dash.”
Fluttershy demurely presented one of the several jugs from within her bag. “I brought fresh juice from my garden.”
Rainbow Dash grinned and let out a whoop. “Every drinking party needs mix.”
When Pinkie Pie didn’t speak up everypony looked around for her. Twilight turned and gave a startled yell. The entire room turned to see Pinkie Pie with her face directly over the beaker inhaling as much of the smoke as possible. Rarity looked down at the plate and noticed that the last sandwich was gone too.
Twilight flailed her hooves at Pinkie. “Stop that, you’re ruining my science.”
-----
The street was mostly dark with the sun faintly glowing behind the horizon. Sugarcube Corner was silent, except for a noise from outside the kitchen window. Fluttershy had started giggling again, and Rarity turned around to shush her far too loudly. “Celestia’s horn, Flutter, don’t go starting that again while we’re trying to sneak around.”
Rainbow Dash snorted in exasperation. “Like your shouting is really helping us remain undetected here.”
Applejack giggled as well, and Fluttershy joined in. Pinkie Pie quickly followed causing Rarity to turn around shushing louder than their giggling.
Twilight turned from peeking in through the window. “Griffoncocks! Can you lot shut up for just a minute? And Rarity, if you use a curse like that again, I will magic your mane into green pubes.” Twilight turned back around to the window frame and her horn glowed again. “Now, I think I’ve got everything you asked for Pinkie, so let’s get the hay outta here.”
Pinkie sighed happily, “Oh, thank you Twi; I know I normally bring all the treats ready made, but I just ran out of time.”
Applejack’s stomach growled loudly in agreement, causing her and Rainbow Dash to giggle again until Fluttershy poked her and did a perfect mimic of Rarity’s earlier shushing. Pinkie Pie snorted a giggle in her attempt at not laughing aloud, which only set off the rest of them as Twilight opened the window with her magic and telekinetically withdrew an assortment of ingredients. Their laughter stopped as they all loaded the provisions into their bags and turned to leave when another noise caught their attention.
Pinkie’s ears twitched and she headed for the corner. “That’s coming from the trash out back!”
Without waiting for a response, she pounced around the corner, and the rest of them followed her.
A dark shape screamed in terror and promptly fell into the dumpster it had been rummaging through.
Applejack galloped quickly forwards and raised the dumpster’s lid. “Oh, ponyfeathers, we’re sorry we scared you, we just wanted to check what was going on back he-” Applejack’s face went pale and she backed away from the dumpster. Her friends sobered up a fair bit at her reaction.
Pinkie Pie gasped in horror. “Oh my gosh AJ, is it zombie ponies?”
Rainbow Dash started giggling uncontrollably and fell over right as the figure raised itself out of the dumpster.
The first thing the group saw was a pointy hat. A pointy blue hat emblazoned with stars. A rather tatty silver mane followed it and then a pair of sharp lavender colored eyes that immediately locked onto Twilight. “YOU.”
Twilight gasped in recognition along with the others. “Trixie!”
The blue unicorn scrambled out of the dumpster and glared at the group arrayed somewhat unsteadily before her. “Well, If it isn’t Hicksville’s Heroes. What do you want of Trixie?”
Twilight blinked in surprise, “Trixie, what are you doing here in a dumpster?”
Trixie looked away and her cheeks burned red. “That is Trixie’s business.”
Rarity snickered, “Looks like business is really booming.”
Trixie flicked her tail in agitation and glared at Twilight again. “If you must know, Trixie has nowhere else to go, due to a small downturn in business and this... receptacle is often filled with the day’s... donations to farms in the area. Trixie simply considers herself a worthy enough cause to accept these donations.”
Pinkie Pie bounced excitedly. “You mean you eat out of the trash because you’re a stubborn bitch who can't ask for help!”
Everypony’s jaw dropped and they all turned to look at her. Pinkie stopped bouncing and looked thoughtful. “Or maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud?”
Twilight shook her head before turning back to Trixie. “Look, I’m sorry things are like this but, well, umm... we can’t leave you out here. You should come back with us, and we’ll totally fix you up something to eat. We just picked up some baking supplies.”
Trixie eyed them all up suspiciously and sniffed the air. “Hmm, Trixie does wonder why you were stealing the supplies through the window instead of getting them...” Trixie sniffed again and a grin stole onto her expression. “Well, I guess you hicks do know how to party. Trixie wonders just how much you’ve been smoking for her to smell you over this dumpster.” Her tone changed and she smiled warmly at the group. “Trixie would love to hang out with you tonight, thank you for the offer.”
Fluttershy gave a small yay and wobbled unsteadily. While Applejack looked nervously at Twilight. “Uhh, sugarcube, y’all sure this is a good idea?”
Twilight nodded excitedly and gestured for Trixie to follow. “C’mon Trixie, there’s a couch at my place, and you can even grab a bath if you want, I have this awesome mint shampoo.”
Trixie smiled at the enthusiastic response from Twilight. The group began their treck back towards the library when Trixie looked back and coughed politely. “Trixie feels it polite to mention that your group is one short.”
Everypony turned around to see Rainbow Dash prone on the ground with her hooves splayed in all directions, making quiet zooming noises and flapping her wings unevenly.
Twilight smacked her hoof to her face. “Discord's sake, AJ, go get her, would you.”
-----
Twilight would swear, hooves down, that she had never ever concentrated so hard in her entire life. Every exam ever put together had been easier than this. Her tongue poked out the side of her mouth and she dared not blink while carefully focusing her magic. A bead of sweat rolled down from her fringe and onto her nose. It tickled furiously, but Twilight refused to even acknowledge it, her concentration was so absolute. She realized she had been holding her breath, but her every will was focused on the final gentle touch of magic that completed her task. With a gasped breath she sat back and watched her masterpiece floating in the air before her.
“Trixie has never before seen anything so amazing. She wonders how long it takes you to roll a scroll never mind a blunt.” A scrubbed clean Trixie rolled her eyes and took another hard draw on her own finely rolled example. “You should all be grateful Trixie showed you how to roll, we despair to think of how much you were wasting just filling the room with smoke.”
Rainbow Dash gave a derisive snort and toked on her own. “Holy hell, Trixie, you are such a dyke.”
The room went silent for a moment as everypony looked at Rainbow Dash curiously.
Pinkie Pie could be heard desperately trying to stifle her giggles in the kitchen, and Applejack, who was swaying her way across the room, was trying not to grin. “Uhhh, Rainbow...”
“What?”
Applejack had looked over at Rarity, who just shrugged while rolling another perfect joint with her magic despite appearing to be slightly cross-eyed.
“Y’know what, sugarcube, nevermind.”
Twilight Sparkle swore loudly as another attempt to roll failed in the early stages. Nearby, curled up on the couch and smiling widely, was Fluttershy, who seemed to have found nirvana in stroking her own soft pink tail. Rainbow Dash was now engaged in a staring contest with the poster of Daring Do and Applejack was staring at some of the pilfered baking supplies on the floor trying to remember just what she was supposed to be collecting. She decided Pinkie Pie might remember.
“Hey Pinkie.”
“What?”
Applejack stared at the objects on the floor.
Pinkie called again from the kitchen. “Like, did somepony call me?”
Applejack looked up from the items on the floor. “What?”
“What?”
Applejack frowned, “No, that’s not here, what do you want?”
“You shouted me?”
“What do you want?”
“Wat.”
“Exactly.”
“I don’t follow.”
Applejack looked up from the items on the floor and across to the kitchen. She saw Pinkie Pie staring back at her. “Wat?”
Pinkie stared, her blunt was hanging out of the corner of her mouth. “What the crap is going on?”
“Horseapples, Pinkie, what the fuck am I doing over here?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“What?”
Trixie lost it at that point and fell over laughing. Seconds later, everypony else was rolling around on the floor in fits of giggles.
The laughter died down and tears were wiped from eyes after laughing too hard. Then Pinkie was struck with inspiration. “You guys, I just had the best Idea ever. While we wait for the stuff to finish baking, we’ve still got all this booze too, you guys, we've hardly touched it.” Pinkie giggled as she held up a bottle of Applejack’s hard cider. “Let’s play a game, everypony! We all get a shot, and a... a... what did you call them Trixie?”
Trixie didn’t take her eyes off the bottle of moonpool vodka. “Blunts, because they’re rolled with this thick scroll paper.”
Pinkie nodded, “Right, we each get a shot, and a blunt. Then we all have to take a pull on the blunt and hold it in. The first... three, maybe? we can work that out--the first three to breathe again have to do their shots.”
The girls all nodded their assent, even Trixie came excitedly to life at the booze coming out to join the party. “Trixie thinks she should make sure her delicate pallet is prepared for this by sampling what’s on offer.” She grinned as Rarity rolled her eyes and poured out a shot for her, which Trixie eagerly slammed back. Pinkie poured a shot of the cider which disappeared equally as quickly. “Trixie thinks maybe she would use a shot of the cider for the game.” The second it was poured she slammed it back again. “Trixie changed her mind, the vodka please.” She grinned in a most wobbly fashion and settled back to take a very content looking toke on her blunt.
Pinkie grinned and looked around the circle. “Alright girls, let’s play!”
-----
The haze in the room was so thick it was impossible to see more than a few hooves in front of your own face. It may have been why Fluttershy was lying on her back in the middle of the floor chanting “CHUG CHUG CHUG” at nopony in particular. Rainbow Dash was competing with Applejack to see who could roll the most blunts in 10 minutes. The competition had been going for at least 20 minutes and neither had managed anything other than getting bits of scroll stuck to their hooves. Rarity, while judging the contest, was keeping up a running commentary that primarily consisted of asking the competitors what in Equestria they were even doing and then telling them they were doing it wrong and Unicorns were clearly superior for reasons they didn’t get.
Trixie was pretending to be interested in Twilight's rather unique explanation of; ‘just how fucking big an Ursa Major is’ while Trixie tried to cuddle closer and Twilight pretended to not notice. In the kitchen Pinkie Pie was giggling maniacally as she put the finishing touches to her creation. She inspected her work carefully, they were quite possibly the best things she had ever baked. It was time to share them. “Attention all you, you... ponies. Dessert is served, this shit is magical.”
Just as everypony turned to look towards the kitchen the front door blew off its hinges.
“Oh shit I did it again. TWILIGHT?” A billowing mass of pastel colours appeared in the rapidly thinning smoke by the front door. “Twilight! I broke your doooooooor again. Sorrrhicyyyyy”
Everypony in the room turned to face the door. Applejack turned too fast and fell over.
“Twi sweetie, are you in there? The fuck? Is the library on fire? Luna’s being a cow again so I figured we could hang out.” The voice was slurred but everypony knew for sure it was Princess Celestia, their guess was confirmed as the smoke filtered out of the broken door revealing her tall regal form swaying in the frame, A keg of brandy wobbled in the alicorn princess’ magical grasp and her crown was at a decidedly lopsided angle. They watched her sniff the air and then a slow wobbly grin spread across her muzzle. “Twilight Sparkle just what have you been up to?”
Twilight screamed in horror. “It's happening, my nightmares are coming true! Panic!” She bolted to her feet unsteadily and looked around for a plan. “Everypony for themselves! It’s her!”
“Who?” Owlowiscious dropped from the ceiling at that moment landing with a dull thump on top of Princess Celestia’s head just behind her horn. Her pastel mane billowed out around the impact like water and the look that passed across Celestia’s face was somewhere between stunned and enlightened, venturing close towards constipated. Owlowiscious slid gently down her face and landed with a splat on the floor.
Fluttershy leaped to her hooves with a traumatized cry. “OH NOOOOoooooo~” Her momentum had carried her onto all four hooves and then beyond until with a thud she landed on her face with her flank stuck up in the air. Her wings made an effort at moving her further but their uneven flapping did little more than make her rear wobble about. A muffled cry of “Oh bother” was all anypony heard before she fell slowly over sideways and lay there waving her hooves punctuated by the occasional ‘oh nooo’.
Princess Celestia tore her eyes from the blitzed Fluttershy and back to the Owl on the ground who was slowly rolling in circles and cooing. As soon as her eyes hit the owl on the ground she heard a large amount of frantic shuffling and banging from the room. She looked back up to where Twilight sparkle had been a moment ago; and saw Twilight Sparkle wearing a lamp. Trixie appeared to be hiding directly behind her. Celestia looked closer. Make that pretty much on top of her. Glancing around she saw what could only be Rarity’s coiffured tail poking out from behind the couch she had been sat on. Pinkie had dumped a bag of flour on her head and was trying to hide in front of a white fridge while Rainbow Dash was trying to pose in front of the poster in the same way as Daring Do. She looked at Applejack who was simply sat on the floor in front of her.
Applejack reached out a hoof to the Princess and grinned. “Welcome to the party.”
Celestia grinned and levitating her keg closer took a long pull as she accepted the blunt from Applejack. She lit it with a spark of magic from her horn as she fixed the door with a flash of power. “My little ponies. I assure you, the party only just started. Let me show you a few tricks.”
Fluttershy sat bolt upright. “PARTYYYYYYYYYyyyyyy~.” She slumped to the floor again.
Pinkie Pie held up a large tray. “I baked friendship brownies!”
-----
They were all lying on their backs in a rough circle in the middle of the library. Bits of brownies were all over the place, and everpony had chocolate icing on her muzzle. They were all listening to Celestia’s tales of woe.
“Luna’s kind of a bitch, you know. It’s like, holy shit, can you be anymore uptight? Ever since you retards rescued her, she’s done nothing but bitch at me. ‘Tia why aren’t my powers back’, ‘Tia my powers are back so when can I take on some royal duties.’ ‘Tia why did you change this policy or law or rule or Tiiiiiiaaaaaa i’m a whinyyyy cowwwww’ ugh she drives me nuts.”
The rest of the ponies nodded slowly with glazed over eyes.
“It’s like, she just gets these moods and sometimes I wanna slap her square in the mouth, but she’s my sister and that would be mean. I love her really you know” Celestia levitated a bottle of Applejack’s cider over, then smashed the top off on her horn. She up-ended the bottle over her muzzle and proceeded to pour out the entire thing, guzzling it down without pausing.
“Fuckh, Luna’sh a bish.” Princess Celestia kicked out her hooves for emphasis.
Rarity coughed, “I guess Prince Blueblood must come from her side of the family, then?”
Twilight Sparkle spluttered. “What?”
Princess Celestia furrowed her brow at the ceiling. “What?”
Applejack gave an incredulous, “Beg yer pardon?”
Pinkie Pie giggled. “What?”
Trixie huffed in frustration. “Ancestors give me strength if you idiots start that ag-”
Fluttershy spoke up. “Fuck the monarchy, man.”
Trixie blinked, “What?”
Twilight sat bolt upright and glared at Fluttershy. “Are you kidding me? Just wha-”
“Check it out, Twilight,” Celestia giggled and sat up, her movement causing the other ponies to sit up and turn around. The alicorn goddess had wiped off the brownie crumbs covering her muzzle, and then carefully taken a dab of icing and placed it directly above her top lip like a tiny square mustache.
Twilight had gone deathly pale. Her jaw hung open and her hooves were raised above her head.
Pinkie Pie tried her best to stifle a giggle. “Ohhhh myyyy.”
Applejack cocked her head to one side. “Is that what y’all call a dirty sanchez?”
Twilight screamed in frustration and yanked at her mane. “BUFFALODICKS! YOU PEOPLE, IT’S OUR RULER AND GODDESS. SHUT YOUR TITS.” She punctuated her outburst with flailing hooves until Trixie embraced her tenderly.
“Shhhh, don’t let them get to you. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, teasing poor Twi like this.”
Rainbow Dash snorted out a giggle that quickly turned into a hacking cough, the coughing subsided and she inhaled, dragging air deep into her lungs. “DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYKE.” She yelled long and loud at the top of her voice until her lungs were almost empty, then fell slowly over, giggling.
The group all fell over giggling with her. It was uncontrollable. Trixie held out for a moment looking offended until the infectious laughter got to her, and then everypony was rolling around on the library floor, their hooves kicking as they laughed and laughed.
After several minutes Princess Celestia was the first to gain some semblance of control. She was holding her sides in agony from laughing so hard. She licked the icing from her top lip and watched as the other ponies’ giggle fits slowly subsided.
“Oh, my little ponies, I just remembered a trick that will, I think, blow your minds. Watch and learn.” The group all sat up to watch intently. “Okay, I take an empty juice jug and I fill it with some of this zebra herbal chronic we got. Now Twilight, what happens to a compound if we vaporize it with magic instead of burning it with a flame?”
Twilight’s eyes went wide as she looked at the amount of cannabis Celestia was holding inside the upside-down juice jug. “I fucking LOVE SCIENCE.”
-----
Twilight awoke amidst a cacophony of swearing and groaned threats against the sunlight streaming into the Library. Everypony seemed to be waking up at the same time. Applejack cursed particularly loudly and threw a bottle at the window responsible for letting in most of the sunlight. The bottle missed and smashed against the wall.
Rainbow Dash was stood on her hooves swaying like a leaf in the breeze, with a strangely happy look as she mumbled to herself. When she noticed Twilight stirring she looked over. “You know, Zecora was right. I do feel better for that. It was good to get together with you guys again.”
Twilight smiled over at her friend. “It was good to have you back Rainbow.”
Dash shook her head and gave Twilight a confused look. “One thing though, serious question. Am I actually in the Wonderbolts or did I dream that part? Because everything prior to yesterday is kinda fuckin blurry right now.”
Twilight blinked, “Uhhh, yeah Rainbow, you’re really a Wonderbolt. Look, we’ll uh, talk more about that later.”
“Okay Twilight. See you later.” Dash smiled and slowly fell over seemingly unconcerned with gravity’s betrayal.
Twilight rolled her eyes and surveyed the rest of the room. Pinkie Pie was upside down in a chair clutching her skull and threatening the universe in an attempt to get it to stop spinning. Fluttershy could be seen clutching a pillow to her chest with a hollow, traumatized look on her face. Twilight frowned at that, hopefully Shy didn’t remember too much. A muted thud made Twilight look over to see Rarity getting shakily to her hooves mumbling something about how she 'bet the griffons did this'. Rarity appeared to have fallen off the couch she had been passed out on. A contented sigh caused Twilight to look down and she blushed. Trixie was curled around her, snuggled against her hip, Twilight squeaked and carefully pushed away from Trixie.
Getting to her hooves Twilight groaned and her stomach growled loudly. “Ugh, I could eat a tree.” She looked around confused and took in the sheer destruction of her precious library. There were bottles and food crumbs strewn everywhere, the tips of blunts lay scattered like leaves about the place and as Twilight took in the front entrance she noted something particularly strange. “You guys, why the fuck is my door on upside down? Wait, and where the hell is Princess Celestia?” Looking around she spotted a comatose Owlowiscious lying on the desk with a scroll in his beak. She teleported across the room rather than walking through the debris and proceeded to open the scroll.
My dear Twilight, sorry I am not there to help clean up, but I am sure there will be enough help from your friends, and I have important things to take care of. I had a great time last night, it really helped me unwind from recent stresses. I have no idea where you got that stuff, but it was a lot better than what is grown here in Canterlot. For that reason I appropriated the remainder of the bag for my sister and I. She really needs to loosen up, and I believe this is just the thing for her.
Thanks for everything,
Celestia
P.S. Spike awoke as I was leaving and informed me he had slept through everything due to his wearing earplugs anytime one of Pinkies adult parties takes place. He seemed to be appreciating the sandwich that was left for him when he woke up. I told him that you would of course not need his help cleaning up your mess and he was welcome to stay in his room and read some comics.
Twilight Sparkle dropped the scroll and swore. She teleported upstairs to outside Spike’s room and knocked cautiously on the door. She heard muted sounds of movement from inside, and so pushed the door slowly open, it banged off an empty plate just inside the room. There was little light to see by with the curtains drawn but Spike was on his bed staring at her. Twilight gave a nervous smile. “Uhh, Spike, how are you?” She frowned upon noticing that her shadow in the room revealed Trixie’s pointy hat perched atop her own mane.
Spike was still staring at her with wide red-shot eyes. “Holy shit, a talking pony?”
-----
Many thanks to my derpychat bronies for their assistance with creating this.
Drug laws are more lax in Equestria, obey the laws where you live and always party responsibly.