The Mane-6 find themselves face to face with Bill Cosby. EVERYTHING goes wrong. Abibbity flopity doo
One fateful day, while Twilight Sparkle and her friends are enjoying a picnic, a strange being appears out of the blue. A being that is enshrouded in mystery and danger. A being that possesses great power. A being that is a pudding fiend and wears crazy sweaters. The man, the myth, the legend: BILL COSBY.
NOTE: This story is CANCELLED after all of the evidence of Bill Cosby's criminal actions. This was written and published years before any allegations were widely known. I am keeping this story up for the sake of remembering the bizarre time that was the early MLP fandom when ANY story could be made and featured.
“…And that’s how Equestria was made!” Pinkie Pie stated, sitting down on the plaid blanket laid out beneath them.
She reached her hoof into a nearby basket and fished out a sandwich, shoving the entire thing into her mouth with a single bite. Twilight Sparkle sighed contentedly and smiled at her friends. It had been a long time since they had enough free time to see each other, let alone enjoy a picnic on such a lovely summer day.
Rainbow Dash zipped by in a flash, practicing some of her newest moves for the Wonderbolts. She flipped in the air and tucked her wings in. Rainbow Dash began plummeting toward the ground, reaching intensely high speeds. Her prismatic mane blew wildly behind her and her lips blew back from the sudden turbulence. Her friends could see her eyes narrow to blink away the forming tears.
“She’s going to hit the ground!” Rarity called out, horrified. “She’s falling too fast!”
Twilight estimated her speed and quickly calculated her friend’s trajectory. The other ponies stood and stared, horrified of what they thought was about to happen. Fluttershy squeaked and hid her face in her hooves.
Rainbow Dash only continued falling. She watched as the trees and her friends grew larger and larger. Mere feet before hitting the ground, she unfurled her wings and pulled out of the dive with feet to spare, flying parallel to the ground. However, Twilight had already conjured a bubble of magical energy to encase Rainbow if she had not turned.
Rainbow Dash shot through the magical ball with ease, a rainbow trailing behind her. She barreled toward her friends and stopped smoothly in front of them wearing a massive grin upon her face.
“Think the Wonderbolts will like it?” she asked enthusiastically. Her friends stood and marveled at her, mouths agape.
“Just what in the hay were you doing!?” Applejack cried, breaking the silence. “You coulda’ hurt yourself!”
“That was really irresponsible, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity said, slightly calmer than the rest.
“Umm… guys?” Fluttershy interjected quietly. The ponies ignored her interruption.
“What do you mean? I knew what I was doing.” Rainbow Dash smugly replied. She reached a hoof into her saddlebags that sat on the picnic blanket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses. Retaining her grin, she put them on her face, instantly becoming twenty percent cooler.
“Guys…?” Fluttershy insisted, once again being ignored.
“Take those darn things off.” Applejack growled.
“They’re so… cliché…” Rarity cringed.
“Yeah! Besides, I wanna try them on!” Pinkie Pie hopped over to Rainbow Dash and tried pulling them off.
“Hey, get your own!”
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash wrestled over the glasses. Pinkie Pie giggled lightly as her cyan friend tugged back at her sunglasses, growling. It wasn’t long before Twilight, Applejack and Rarity found themselves in the pile grabbing at the plastic shades as well, all of them shouting indiscernibly.
“GUYS!” Fluttershy screamed at her friends. They stopped their tussle and flopped onto the grass, staring at Fluttershy. She cowered at the sudden attention she had obtained and pointed a hoof at something in the distance.
Part of the rainbow that had trailed behind Rainbow Dash had been encased in the magic bubble produced by Twilight, swirling mystically in its depths. It spun rapidly, growing larger in size. The swirling mixture of rainbows and magic began to shine, casting a bright white light upon the ponies. Fluttershy squeaked and darted to her friends.
“This is incredible!” Twilight Sparkle remarked, examining the light that appeared to miraculously float. In an instant, it seemed to open to reveal a portal. Air poured from the opening at turbulent speeds.
“Twilight, what the hay is goin on!” Applejack had to shout to be heard. The ponies clung on to each other in fright, all except Twilight Sparkle. She remained in front of the group and studied the portal intently. She could feel the wind from the portal begin to blow her back but quickly dug her hooves into the ground, regaining her composure.
“I’m not sure! It seems that Rainbow Dash’s velocity-fueled rainbow bonded with my magical conjuration, tearing a hole in the space-time continuum!” She looked back at her friends, pure terror on her face. Her mane blew wildly in the force of the wind.
“What’s that supposed to mean!?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“If my calculations are correct…” Twilight began, thinking over the situation once again. “Either an out of touch comedian from the 1980s will be teleported to Equestria… Or the entire universe will implode on this point in a single cataclysmic fireball!”
Fluttershy stared at her, wide-eyed and passed out. The others looked at each other, tears glistening in their eyes. Who could’ve guessed that such a lovely day out was going to be their last day together, or their last day alive for that matter.
“Ah love you guys.” Applejack hugged her hooves tightly around Rarity and Pinkie Pie, both sitting next to her.
“Yes, you all are my best friends. I wouldn’t have traded my time with you for anything.” Rarity hugged Applejack back and pulled Rainbow Dash in.
Pinkie Pie began crying loudly, spouts of tears shooting out of her eyes in a somewhat comical fashion. She stretched her foreleg and pulled Twilight over to the group.
“Dang it! Now you guys are getting me all sappy!” Rainbow Dash said, tears rolling down her cheek. In her hooves she held the still-unconscious Fluttershy.
The white portal continued its simulated hurricane. Trees in its path were torn from their roots, tumbling wildly in the park. In the distance, the ponies could hear screams of the terrified townsponies.
“Alright girls, I guess this is it!” Twilight Sparkle hugged on to her friends tightly. She didn’t want to let them go.
In an instant, their world was enveloped in pure whiteness.
“Razzle frazzle ropple stopple...”
Twilight Sparkle and her friends opened their eyes to find the park in the same condition it had been in before the portal appeared. They gazed around, noticing that nothing had changed. Except for the fact that there was a bi-pedal creature they had never seen before standing in front of them. It wore a putrid sweater with a horrendous mix of blue, brown, and maroon all laid out in funky patterns.
“Sweet Celestia!” Twilight exclaimed softly. “It… he’s a human!”
“Are you saying those things are real?” Rarity asked, astonished.
“Just what in the zippidy doo is going on here?” he asked, inspecting his surroundings. The ponies stared at him slack-jawed, completely unsure whether to approach him or not.
“Oh look at the ponies, with the horns and the wings and the hair!” he called out, spotting Twilight and her friends. They cowered at his booming voice and stared back. He continued speaking, apparently oblivious to the new world around him. “Y’see, when I was a kid, I used to have a horse named Chuckles…”
“Twilight, `ah think this guy’s brain is broke.” Applejack whispered to the purple unicorn.
“Indeed. Maybe if we back away quietly, he won’t notice us…” Rarity began to slowly pack up the picnic.
“Yeah, this guy’s nuts!” Rainbow Dash stood up. She spotted her sunglasses on the ground and put them on her face, smiling.
“…and we went down tha slope! Zip zop, zoobity-bop!” The strange man stood as if skiing and made a face that sent shivers down Twilight’s spine.
“This guy is great!” Pinkie Pie hopped into the air and practically flew over to the human in their midst. She wrapped her hooves around his neck and pulled him into a hug. “Tell another story, Mister funny guy!”
The man ignored the pink party pony and continued his spiel, changing the topic radically to the way mail was delivered. With each new sentence, his face contorted more and more, as if he was made of rubber.
The rest of the Mane-6 trotted over to him and Pinkie Pie, leaving Fluttershy alone by the picnic basket, still unconscious. Rainbow Dash flew around him cautiously.
“He doesn’t look too dangerous, I guess…”
“Well, be careful anyway.” Twilight Sparkle shot back. She reached a hoof into the man’s pockets in search of identification only to be met with a powerful backhand to the face. She fell to the ground and watched the man rage.
“DON’T TOUCH MA JELL-O PUDDING!” he bellowed at the pony. His eyes were wide open, veins jutting out of his neck. The other ponies jumped back several feet, fearing the worst. His fists flailed wildly in the air as he continued screaming in ire.
Rainbow Dash flew toward him, only to meet the same fate as Twilight Sparkle. She dropped to the ground with a bright red hand print on her muzzle. At the attack, the man dropped to all fours and snarled savagely.
Applejack and Rarity shared a wrathful expression and prepared themselves to pounce. They were stopped suddenly by Pinkie Pie, who jumped in front of them out of nowhere.
“Don’t hurt him!” she cried, placing her hooves on Applejack and Rarity. “He’s my friend!”
Pinkie Pie turned toward the raging man who continued screaming about his pudding. His sweater shook wildly in the air as he hopped around angrily. She wrapped her hooves around him in a loving embrace and stroked a hoof through his small afro. He began to calm down and stood back up, but not before a small, leather-bound wallet dropped out of his pants. Pinkie Pie picked it up and read through it.
“Bill Cosby…” She said, staring at his driver’s license. The other ponies turned their attention to the man, who nodded goofily in approval. Bill Cosby then put a foolish smile on his face and began to dance.
“My daughter has a train set just like this one, with the tracks and the toys and the trains. And one day, while playing with the trains, I poked my finger on the rail and got shocked! And I looked like this.” Bill Cosby paused and awkwardly scrunched up his face. “Zoopady Doopady Wooh-Wooh!” He looked around the Friendship Express, waiting for uproarious laughter from his equestrian “audience.” Regardless of the cold reception, a smile pervaded his face.
“Tell me again, why are we taking Bill Cosby to Princess Celestia?” Rainbow Dash turned to Twilight Sparkle. “Couldn’t he have taken the train, you know, by himself?”
"I agree with Rainbow. While he may not be such a bad person, his 'jokes,' if we can even call them that, are absolutely horrendous!" Rarity agreed, nodding her head.
In the background, Bill Cosby decided to continue his impressive impersonation of the train’s sounds, much to the ponies’ dismay.
“A-Chugga, chugga, chugga.” He shifted around in his seat to tug on an invisible rope. “Choo Choooooooo!” It wasn’t long before the remaining ponies got up and left to another car, leaving Twilight and her friends alone with Bill Cosby. Twilight groaned.
“If we don’t, then there’s a good chance the royal guards will kill him on the spot,” Twilight declared definitively.
“Might not be such a bad thing.” Applejack mumbled, putting her hooves over her ears. Of the ponies, she was the most unlucky, sitting directly next to him. A drop of spit flew from Bill Cosby’s mouth as he rambled on about his third cousin’s train set and landed on Applejack’s nose. She flailed her hooves in disgust and quickly wiped her face off.
“Are you loco in the coco!?” Pinkie Pie yelled with a smile on her face. “This guy is amazing! I love Bill Cosby!” She wrapped her hooves around him and squeezed.
Suddenly Bill Cosby’s face grew stern as he stood up, the pink pony dropping back to her seat. He stopped blathering and examined his surroundings stoically.
“I’m Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, OBGYN.”
The ponies exchanged confused looks and turned their attention to him. They awkwardly awaited him to continue, but noticed that he was more interested in glancing out the window at the passing scenery. The ponies pushed Twilight forward, edging her to speak up.
“Uh, Mr. Cosby, are you all right?” Twilight asked cautiously. He turned his attention toward the ponies again, except this time without a stupid grin or deformed facial expression.
“Who’s this ‘Cosby’ fellow?” he asked, air quoting his own name. “If he looks anything like me, he must be a handsome guy, at least.” He lit up with a smile and looked around the train car again, waiting for feedback.
“Oh Celestia!” Pinkie Pie fell onto her back, laughing to the point of tears. “You’re gon- gonna,” she was interrupted again by her fit of laughter. She gasped for air desperately. “He’s gonna kill me! A-ha ha ha!”
Twilight face-hoofed and plopped down onto her seat angrily. The other ponies shrugged and did the same as Pinkie Pie laughed heartily from the floor, rolling around. Bill Cosby remained standing with the same grin for the rest of the trip.
Their walk from the Friendship Express to Canterlot Castle went surprisingly smoothly, disregarding Bill Cosby’s antics. At one point, he broke away from the group and went into a restaurant, seating himself with several members of Canterlot high society. The ponies had looked for him everywhere, finding him only after he had screamed the name “Fat Albert” and said: “Hey hey hey!” repeatedly.
Their wait to meet with Princess Celestia had been surprisingly short. The six ponies lounged in the gardens, enjoying the sunlight. Bill Cosby, on the other hand, was busy making jokes, interrupting Twilight and her friends on various occasions from their idle chit-chat.
“Hello everypony, I’m sorry if I kept you all waiting.” Princess Celestia cantered elegantly toward the group from the castle. The group of ponies bowed their heads; Bill Cosby grinned at her. Noticing Bill Cosby’s lack of movement, Celestia quickly turned to face him.
“You must be Bill Cosby! Greetings! I am Princess Celestia.” The Princess bowed her head to him, respectfully, and awaited his introduction. After an awkward moment of silence, she glared up at him.
“Very well. Twilight?” In an instant the purple unicorn darted in front of her mentor.
“Yes, Princess?”
“Why don’t you and your friends go out and enjoy yourselves. Mr…” Princess Celestia turned her head and frowned at the grinning human. “Cosby and I have some business to attend to.”
“As you wish, Princess.” She and her friends bowed and turned toward the city, leaving Bill Cosby and Princess Celestia behind. She waited until they out of earshot and directed Bill Cosby inside the castle to her throne room.
“Is that the pantry?” asked Bill Cosby excitedly as the pair walked by a large set of swinging doors. He stopped in his tracks and started toward the doors.
“No that’s the… Wait!” Princess Celestia leapt at him, grabbing him by the shoulder and stopping him. “That’s the Royal Spa.” She gently pushed him in the direction of the throne room and sighed.
“Where do you keep the Jell-O pudding?” he asked, looking honestly confused. The Princess gave him a look and noticing his serious expression sighed again.
“Mr. Cosby, don’t you think we have more… important matters to discuss?”
“What’s more important than Jell-O pudding, ashupidy boopidy bim kaw!”
“Peace between our two worlds?” she offered.
Bill Cosby put a hand to his chin and thought about it. “Peace? Howbout we split a ‘peace’ of cake!?” He stuck out his arms as if waiting for more imaginary laughter and grinned.
Princess Celestia looked at Bill Cosby (who had begun to dance slightly) and breathed out heavily. She waited calmly for him to conclude the strange shuffling and arm waving that constituted as his “dance” and put on a fake smile.
“Please, Mr. Cosby. Come this way.” She turned to face the hallway once more and started walking. Bill Cosby stood in his spot and stared at her.
“Are we getting some puddin’ now, mhm?”
Princess Celestia gritted her teeth and led him to the room, ignoring the rest of his discussion of pudding. They finally reached her sanctuary and she took off into the air, flying directly to her throne.
“Tell me, Mr. Cosby,” she asked, positioning herself comfortably in her throne. “Do you happen to know how you came to Equestria?” Bill Cosby was standing on an elegant red carpet, at a distance. His eyes scanned the stained glass windows depicting famous moments of Equestria’s past, the usual goofy smile across his lips.
“Mr. Cosby.” She tapped her hoof loudly on the arm of her throne, attempting to get his attention. It succeeded, his head shooting forward to face the Princess. “Mr. Cosby, I’m asking you if you know how you got here.” The Princess paused again and awaited his answer. Cosby merely smiled back at her.
She frowned at his silence and began again. “Ok, Mr. Cosby, I know it may be hard for you to remember. But you have to try.”
“`Ah was walkin my dog Skittles when I found this sweater.” Bill Cosby stated, pointing down to the cacophony of colours and patterns across his chest. “Beautiful, don’t ya think?”
“Wait, what? How does that have anything to do with teleporting to Equestria?”
“It’s argyle.” Bill Cosby replied, proudly. “`Ah had a cousin named Archie that liked argyle sweaters…”
“Mr. Cosby!” Princess Celestia shouted at him. Bill Cosby looked around the room, a confused look on his face. His eyes met the Princess’.
“Ooh look a pony! With the wings, and the horn and the clop, clop, clop!” He pawed his hands at the ground as if a horse.
“Please, Mr. Cosby!” Princess Celestia blushed, realizing that Bill Cosby had no clue what he had made a reference to. “I’m an alicorn, by the way. Not a regular pony, you see?” Her horn began to glow brightly and she unfurled her wings to their full length.
“Now when do we get to eating the pudding?” Bill Cosby asked, ignoring the impressive display. The look of pride on Celestia’s face vanished as she slowly tucked her wings back in. Her eyes narrowed and she sighed heavily.
“Back to business, don’t you think?” She didn’t wait for him to respond. “Good. Now Mr. Cosby, could you please at least tell me why it is that you’ve come here? Not to Canterlot, but to Equestria in general.”
Bill Cosby stared at her happily, completely silent. A frown grew on Princess Celestia’s face as she waited patiently for him to answer.
“Do you have any motives at all?”
Still no answer. Bill Cosby smiled; his eyes remained unblinking.
“Have you come to make a treaty? Are you here for peace?”
Her heart began to speed up at the possibility that he had come as a scout of a great unknown enemy. His silence only confirmed her fears.
“For war. I see.” The frown on her face deepened while Bill Cosby continued his drawn-out silence. Her horn glowed and a bag of bananas appeared by her side.
“I don’t think you understand the problems that would arise with such a war between our two races. We are heavily armed with magic. With a blink of an eye, I could send you to the moon. Now, I’m not underestimating your armies, I am quite sure that if you so choose, you could unleash devastation upon my land as well.”
The Princess attempted to speak diplomatically, feeling the fate of two worlds on her shoulders. Her only true plan was to either talk him out of his possible conquest, or use bananas as a distraction, taking the bought time to shoot him to the moon and ultimately preventing him from starting a war.
“I think we should attempt to discuss this as diplomatically as possible. I do not want the blood of anypony on my hooves.” Bill Cosby continued staring silently, as if he were a wax sculpture. His smile seemed to be fixed at Princess Celestia, sending shivers down her spine. She sighed again.
“Very well. Before we talk, though, do you want any fruit? Huh?” She asked him.
He didn’t respond.
“Hm? Do you, do you want some fruit? Do you like bananas?”
His silence seemed deafening.
“Do you like, mmmmm-bananas?”
“Do you have any, uh, Jell-O puddin’?” Bill Cosby asked, breaking his silence. Princess Celestia hardly expected him to speak now and stared at him, confused by his random answer.
“Just what is this obsession over pudding? Tell me, are you a mmmm-beyitch, that likes, mmm-bananas?” she asked again, attempting to ignore his outburst. She wiggled the banana bag with her magic temptingly. Noticing that Bill Cosby’s eyes followed it, she teleported the bag to his side where it sat untouched.
“You, uh, take tha’ puddin' an’ you put it on the spoon…” Bill Cosby scooped an invisible heap of pudding into his mouth. He smiled and rubbed his stomach, satisfied with his imaginary snack. Celestia watched in awe.
“What the…” She shook it off, remembering the task at hand. “Answer the question, Mr. Cosby. Do you like, Mmmmm…”
“Howbout tha’ pudding pops?” Bill Cosby cut of the Princess mid-sentence. She waited for him to continue, but found that his attention had once again turned to viewing the elegantly decorated throne room.
“Okay…. So you’re a beeyitch that…”
“Y’see, it’s like pudding, but with a stick in it. And then ya freeze it for a while and ya put it your mouth.” He made a crazily delighted face and looked at the Princess.
“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you.” She sighed, teleporting the banana bag back over to her throne. “What is it that you…”
“When I was a kid, my parents wouldn’t let me eat the pudding. Zip zap dappidy moompaw!” He danced a little jig.
“Will you please shut the hay up!” Princess Celestia cried. “I can’t take this anymore!”
“And what’s be the problem, big pony, mhm?” Bill Cosby leaned forward intently, his eyes wide open and lips scrunched up.
“Oh sweet…” Celestia began to think of another almighty being to swear to. “Me! I don’t care!” She began sobbing. “Just do whatever you want! Conquest, plunder, massacre, whatever! Just please, stop talking!”
Bill Cosby felt something in his chest at the sight of the crying alicorn. His inner humanity began to shine through as he walked toward her and hugged her tightly. Princess Celestia’s tears began receding as she felt his warm, flabby body press against hers. She smiled lightly at the touch of his argyle sweater on her coat and the smell of what she guessed to be pudding.
Twilight and her friends gathered outside in the Castle gardens, waiting for Princess Celestia and Bill Cosby to exit the castle. Their day in Canterlot had been fantastic, as usual. Rainbow Dash had gone to see the Wonderbolts perform, Applejack had learned a new recipe for apple dumplings, Rarity had purchased materials for a new dress and Pinkie Pie had found a pair of sunglasses rivaling Rainbow Dash’s in awesomeness. Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle spent their time together in the shopping district, window shopping and soaking in the city’s sights, sounds and smells.
But now the sun was beginning to set and their day was ending. Twilight knew that the time had come for Princess Celestia to announce her plans for Bill Cosby and eagerly awaited her mentor’s arrival. In the meantime they all sat around a table, sipping tea, or in Applejack’s case, apple juice. Out of the corner of her eye, Twilight Sparkle noticed a shadow approach her and turned.
“Good evening, everypony,” Princess Celestia said, cheerfully. A large smile covered her face. “I trust that you all had a great day in Canterlot?”
“Yes, Princess, it was simply amazing!” Rarity replied.
“It was nice, thank you…” Fluttershy peeped, backing away slightly.
“I’m very glad to hear. I know you must be anxious to hear how my meeting with Bill Cosby turned out.” She began.
Twilight Sparkle nodded and waited for her to continue.
“After some… minor difficulties, we have come to an agreement.” At that, Bill Cosby walked out from behind Princess Celestia.
“HEY HEY HEY!” His voice came out deeper than normal, no doubt like the “Fat Albert” incident from before.
“Twilight Sparkle, since you are my most faithful student and are learning so much about friendship, I have decided that you should house him!”
Twilight’s face fell. She could feel her heart sink at the thought of waking up and going to bed every single day to Bill Cosby’s voice. Ignoring Twilight’s expressions, the Princess continued.
“And I want you to teach Bill about the magic of friendship!” she concluded happily.
“But… but…” Twilight couldn’t find the words to express her detest at the idea.
“Y’hear that?” Bill lumbered over to her and wrapped an arm around her neck. “We can make pudding! Or play Pokémon!”
Twilight Sparkle’s eye twitched. She tilted her head back toward the heavens and screamed.
Best. Day. Ever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To those who don't know where the "Mmmm Bananas" thing is from, watch this video: Friendship is Magic Bitch
Twilight Sparkle woke slowly. The warm sun shone through the massive window by her bed, golden rays falling across her face and warming her entire body. She smiled gleefully and let out a deep breath, enjoying the blissful sensation of Celestia’s sun. She stretched and crossed her hooves behind her head; her eyes remained closed.
Birds chirped softly from a tree branch that hung just outside the window. Twilight began to imagine how the birds looked, hopping around in their nests and feeding their tiny hatchlings. Their soft peeping made Twilight grin even wider. She was sure that the mama bird had just found a fabulous meal of worms or some other insects to feed the tiny chicks.
Maybe today they’ll start flying! Twilight thought suddenly. Oh, that will be so cute! Maybe I can get Fluttershy over here. If only I didn’t have those papers…
The smile disappeared from her face. Her friendship reports to Princess Celestia! How could she have forgotten?!
Her heart began racing as she tried to remember everything she’d learned about friendship recently. But every time she remembered something, the chirping from outside and the sun’s warmth emptied her head. She sighed heavily.
Well… Twilight thought. Maybe one day off won’t kill me. The girls are always telling me to relax.
The smile returned to her face.
Maybe I could rearrange my schedule a bit...
“Spike!” she called out to her assistant, her eyes still closed. She waited for a minute but didn’t hear anything but the birds chirping. “Spike!” she screamed again, listening for any sort of movement. She couldn’t hear him stirring downstairs in the foyer and didn’t hear him snoring in his bed.
“Ughhh…” she growled. “Fine. I’ll get it myself.”
Twilight removed her hooves from behind her head and slowly opened her eyes.
“Azoopidy boopidy hoofaw!” Bill Cosby stood leaning over her, his nose centimeters away from hers. She shrieked, rolling over to fall to the floor with a painful thump. She gazed up, panting.
“What are you doing!?” she asked between gasps. “Why were you watching… Wait a second. Where’s Spike?”
Bill Cosby reeled back and stood up tall. He placed a finger to his mouth as if in thought and began to pace around the room. Twilight’s eyes followed him as she rubbed a hoof against her forehead. Suddenly, Cosby stopped and lit up, a large smile on his face.
“You know where he is?” Twilight asked him, surprised by his apparent knowledge and lack of goofy jokes.
Bill Cosby frowned in confusion. “Ah who’s Spike, Highlight Sparkle?”
“It’s Twilight. Twilight!” she responded, trying to remain calm. “And Spike is a small, purple dragon.”
Bill Cosby stood still and thought about it for a minute, finally giving up and shrugging at the purple unicorn.
“He lives here?” she offered. “You know, the purple dragon with green spikes on his back?”
Cosby looked even more confused than before.
“Oh Celestia… You called him Chub-Chub.”
Bill Cosby lit up. “Oh, you mean ah little Chub-Chub Winkletons! That kid said the darndest things.” He chuckled softly to himself.
“What are you talking about?” Twilight stared at him, dumbfounded. He was too lost in his own memories to pay attention and merely continued chuckling. She sighed and trotted by, headed downstairs in search of her assistant.
“Spike!” she called out, hoping desperately to hear him so that she was not alone with Bill Cosby. “Spike!? Where are you?”
She walked around the library, searching every nook and cranny for her assistant, but found nothing. She returned to the foyer and noticed a small note left on the desk:
Dear Twilight, I can’t take it anymore! That human (?) is nuts! Last night he kept asking me weird questions about what I want to be when I grew up, and if I could be any character from a foals story, which would I be. Later he tried fitting me for a sweater! I DON’T WANT A SWEATER! I have decided to take my vacation a little early this year. If you need me, I’ll be in Fillydelphia. Good Luck. -Spike
“You scared my assistant off?” she asked to Bill Cosby who had begun to descend the stairs into the foyer.
Bill Cosby smiled in response, remaining completely silent.
“How am I supposed to get work done without him!?” she yelled.
“And what’s for breakfast, mhm?” he asked, finally, ignoring her ranting entirely. “Jell-O Pudding? Ah like it on ma waffles.”
Twilight stared back at him, completely baffled. “Are you serious? What in Celestia’s name are you even saying?” She could feel rage boiling up inside of her, but her utter confusion prevented her from lashing out. “Do you even listen to yourself speak?”
“When `ah was a kid in North Philadelphia, `ah had a friend called Mushmouth.” Bill Cosby said finally. “And he used to talk jus’ like this.” His face suddenly scrunched up and he stuck his lips out in a massive pucker. In an instant, his chin was gone, hidden under the rolls in his neck. “Hubi, hubow ubare yubou!”
Twilight felt something inside of her snap, as Bill Cosby continued to babble incoherently. Her heart began to race faster and faster with each syllable that passed his lips as he transitioned between topics to prattle on about entirely at random.
“…and he had a funny laugh like: ‘HYA! HYA! HYA! HYA!’ and his dad was like: ‘Son, I’m gonna smack your face off!”
She tried to resist with all of her might but soon found her body shivering with rage.
“…and the problem with bathing in the toilet bowl is that the water’s cold!”
Twilight finally snapped and began screaming things at Bill Cosby she never thought possible. The sheer power behind her voice was enough to quiet Bill Cosby, who stood before her, smiling as usual. In her tirade, however, she didn’t happen to hear Pinkie Pie walk into the library, several invitations to a party in her hoof.
“What are you doing!?” Pinkie Pie asked, taken aback by Twilight’s fit.
Twilight turned to face her pink friend, panting. “Uh….” Think, Twilight. Think! “I was, uh, telling him how much I like… his mane?” She put on a sheepish smile and waited for Pinkie Pie to respond.
Pinkie trotted around Twilight cautiously, eying her intently. Her expression suddenly lightened. “Okie dokie loki!”
Twilight sighed in relief.
“Well, I came here to give you two these!” Pinkie extended two invitations to Bill Cosby and Twilight, who took them both.
“’You are cordially invited to: Bill Cosby’s Super Wondrifical Friendship Welcoming Party Extravaganza on Friday?’” she read aloud. Bill Cosby stood in his spot, still smiling pointlessly at the two ponies.
“It’s gonna be so much fun!” Pinkie squealed in excitement, jumping up and down. “There’s gonna be balloons and cake and punch and pin-the-tail-on-the-pony and did I mention the cake!? It’s a twenty-five decker vanilla mambo with Chocoholic Creamblast icing!” She began salivating at the thought of the masterfully crafted cake that sat half-finished in Sugarcube Corner.
“It sounds…” Twilight began.
“It’s going to be the best party ever! And it’s all for Bill Cosby.” Pinkie Pie rushed Bill and wrapped her forelegs around him, tightly. “I love you Bill.”
“`Ah love you too, cotton candy.” He replied, stroking his fingers through her curly pink mane. She giggled lightly at the feeling of his touch and his sweater and let him go.
“Uh, Pinkie, I have to talk to you.” Twilight said, pulling her away from Bill Cosby. He straightened his cacophonous sweater and lumbered away into the kitchen, no doubt in search for pudding.
“Ok! What do you wanna talk about? Is it Bill? Please tell me it’s Bill!”
“Well, actually it is…”
“He’s so funny! Don’t you think so?” Pinkie interrupted, giving Twilight a wide grin.
“Well… about that…” Twilight watched Pinkie’s smile fade into a frown.
“You don’t like him, do you?” she asked the purple unicorn.
She sighed and nodded her head, solemnly.
“So you do like him!” The smile shot back onto Pinkie Pie’s face. “Aw good! I thought you didn’t! That would be crazy! He’s soooo funny, I wish I could tell jokes like him! My Granny Pie used to be like-”
“Pinkie!” Twilight said loudly, silencing the party pony. Pinkie’s face remained frozen in mid-sentence as she waited for Twilight to continue. “I don’t like Bill Cosby.”
“But, how can you not love a face like that!” Pinkie Pie pointed a hoof at Bill Cosby, who was searching through various drawers and tossing aside pots and pans. At that moment he turned to face the ponies, twisting his face to the point that his mouth practically migrated to his chin. His eyes were almost fully rolled back into his head. Twilight shuddered and turned back to her friend.
“I don’t know, he’s just so… so…” she racked her brain for a proper word to describe Bill Cosby and his bizarre brand of “humor,” but nothing came to mind. “So… Cosby-ish.”
“Hm. Hm.” Pinkie Pie nodded, a stern look adorning her face. “Then why not let him stay with me?”
“I wish, Pinkie. But Princess Celestia has asked me to house him. And as her most faithful student, I can do nothing but oblige.” Twilight responded, clearly disappointed.
“Okie dokie then! Well, I need to go plan Bill Cosby’s party! I only have five more days!” Pinkie Pie galloped to Bill Cosby and hugged him once more, giggling softly as she did so, and left the library. Twilight turned to the kitchen and eyed the mess Bill had made.
She sighed and slowly trotted into the room, her hooves dragging behind her. “C’mon. Let’s get this cleaned up and make some breakfast…”
“Can we make toast, a shoopidy zim zam flibbidy?”
“….fine.”
After her breakfast of toast, pudding, waffles, and hayseeds (the hayseeds were the only thing she managed to eat), Twilight Sparkle began conducting her usual research, entirely abandoning her previous sentiments of having a relaxing day off. She had hoped, desperately, that the research could free her mind from the sweater bearing nuisance.
While she sat at a table in the foyer, Bill Cosby frolicked around the library. He grabbed randomly at the books and made quiet “abippidy shoopidy flim flam zoop” noises randomly, a large smile adorning his face.
“Shhh! Can’t you see I’m working?!” Twilight hissed at him. She had been researching a new spell for several hours and was finally near completing it.
Bill derped his face and ran upstairs, leaving Twilight alone in the foyer. She sighed contentedly and returned to her studies.
“Ok…” she continued, reading aloud to herself. “This spell can only be used once, blah blah blabbity blah… Can only allow one creature either enter or exit the desired location before the portal closes…” Twilight’s eyes continued scanning the page of the inter-dimensional transportation spell. “And it only works when shot directly at the person or object you desire to teleport. Wow, this is all really convenient…”
She shrugged it off and closed the book with a loud thud, dust flying from the cover and into the air. She began to clear the table and levitated the books back to their designated position on the shelves. In a snap, the table teleported over to the far side of the room. Twilight smiled. Everything was ready.
“Bill?” she called kindly up the stairs. He didn’t respond. “Bill?” She called his name once again, hoping he would at least pop his head into view. However, he remained unaccounted for. “Where is he…” Twilight trotted up the stairs and found no evidence of Bill Cosby.
She decided to prepare the spell regardless of his absence, just in case she had to cast it quickly. After quickly rereading the spell, her horn began to glow softly as she drew upon her magical reserves. Her eyes shifted around nervously. Fear that her spell would miss Bill Cosby washed over her.
Quietly, she trotted around the library in search of Bill. She re-checked upstairs by her and Spike’s bed, but to no avail. The next room was the kitchen, which was still coated in waffle batter. A mountain of empty pudding cups piled out of the garbage can on the far side of the room. However, there was no Bill Cosby. Twilight sighed and left the room, trotting up to the doorway that led into her basement.
She looked at the splintery wooden door in front of her and noticed that it was locked on the outside, indicating no one had entered it recently. Twilight glanced around at her surroundings, hoping that maybe Bill Cosby was somewhere that she may have missed. However, he was nowhere in sight.
She could feel her horn tingle as she worked to harness the sheer power of the teleportation spell. Confused and growing increasingly concerned, Twilight brought a hoof to her face and began to ponder Bill’s whereabouts.
“`Ah here `ah am, Midnight Sparkle!”
Suddenly, something pressed into her side, causing her to jump into the air and scream loudly. She turned around to find that Bill Cosby had, in fact, been standing behind her the entire time, making a strange face in which his cheeks were puffed up and beet red. The fright caused her to release the massive amount of magical energy that she held in her horn. A beam of light shot past Bill Cosby’s head, narrowly missing him and instead hitting the wall.
Twilight stared at Bill Cosby, her mouth hanging wide open. He stared back, smiling widely.
“Y-y-you! What did you do! My spell!” she stuttered at him. Bill Cosby grinned back at her.
“A zip zop zoopidy!” he turned and ran away from her as fast as he possibly could.
“Get back here!” Twilight cried, galloping after him. She gritted her teeth to the point where she felt a fine powder in her mouth.
Bill sprinted out of the library, splurting out random noises with each step, and headed into Ponyville.
“Come back here!” Twilight was in hot pursuit, screaming loudly. She dashed from her home, slamming the door shut behind her. She quickly scanned the town to find Bill Cosby standing at a corner, dancing awkwardly. “Gotcha.” Twilight reared up and galloped full speed at him. He noticed her and began to comically waddle away.
“That’ll be five bits, Lyra.” Roseluck chirped, hoofing over a dozen of her finest roses to the aquamarine unicorn. “I’m sure Bon-Bon will love them.”
“Thanks a ton!” Lyra dropped the golden coins on the counter and smiled. “You know… Rose? What’s wrong?” Her friend seemed to stare right past her, a scared, confused look crossing her face. Lyra turned to find a bipedal creature sprinting down the road toward them.
“Sweet Celestia… A human!” She felt tears of joy well up in her eyes as Bill Cosby barreled toward them, a goofy grin pervading his face.
“He’s coming right for us! The horror!” Roseluck melodramatically brought a hoof to her forehead and prepared for the worst. However, at the last possible moment, Bill shot high into the air and landed on the other side of the vendor stand. He stuck the landing and continued running.
“He’s…. beautiful!” Lyra began to weep openly into her hooves.
“Coming through!” Lyra looked up to find Twilight Sparkle also heading straight for the stall. She began to turn, but instead tripped on a rock and tumbled straight into Roseluck and Lyra. Twilight blushed embarrassedly and rose to her hooves. After sidestepping the flower stand, she continued galloping after Bill Cosby.
With each passing second, Bill got further and further away from Twilight. She stopped in her tracks and watched his direction. Her horn began to glow white as she disappeared and teleported in front of him.
“Stop!” She stuck out a hoof out at him and tried to make herself look strong. She only succeeded in looking more adorkable than usual.
“Awww, look at the purple pony!” Bill Cosby ran at her even faster, sticking out his arms for a hug. Twilight turned in horror and began to flee, but he was too fast. He bowled right through her, sending her spinning.
By the time Twilight regained her balance, Bill Cosby was nowhere to be seen and the streets were empty.
“This isn’t good…” she muttered to herself, rubbing a hoof on her forehead to wipe the sweat that was dripping down her face.
“Twilight Sparkle!” an angry, yet familiar voice boomed. She turned to find Princess Celestia standing before her, Bill Cosby leaning against her side.
“Princess? What are you doing here?” Twilight asked, shock falling across her face.
“I felt a surge in magical energy coming from Ponyville. I know you are the only unicorn here in Ponyville that has the potential to harness such a powerful spell. Now the only question that remains is: what spell did you use?”
“I… uh…” Twilight began to panic. “I used a…” She glanced around at her surroundings, hoping for some inspiration. Her eyes set themselves upon a nearby hat shop. “I used a hat spell… for… hats?” she lied, throwing on a sheepish grin.
“A hat spell for hats. Do you expect me to believe such nonsense?” Celestia lowered herself to her student’s level and looked into her purple eyes. “Twilight, you are my most faithful student. I do believe that we are close enough for you to tell me the truth.”
The purple unicorn sighed and gazed back at her mentor. “I tried using an inter-dimensional teleportation spell to send Bill Cosby back to Earth. But he scared me and I missed him.”
“Gasp! Bill Cosby? Why would you want to send him back to Earth!?” The Princess cried in shock.
“Well, he’s just… I don’t know… annoying. And weird.”
“Well that’s because he’s a creature different than us. He’s a human! And I’m sure you can respect that he has a background and culture far different from our own. I’m very disappointed in you, Twilight Sparkle. I thought that you of all ponies would be accepting somepony different. Especially after that incident with Zecora.”
“But, he’s got more in common with Pinkie Pie! Can’t he stay with her instead of at my house?” Twilight pleaded her mentor.
“I’m sorry, Twilight. But I cannot go back on my proclamations just like that. If you didn’t want him to stay at your house, you should have brought it up when I first asked you to take him in.” Princess Celestia turned abruptly and began to trot away from Bill and Twilight and toward her carriage. The Royal Guards noticed her and unfurled their wings, preparing for takeoff.
“But I was screaming! I thought it was obvious I didn’t want him to stay with me!” Twilight called after Celestia.
“Oh that?” Celestia asked, carefully seating herself in the carriage. “I thought they were screams of excitement.” She put on a trollface and in an instant, shot into the sky back to Canterlot.
Twilight stared at the carriage as it faded in the horizon. Her jaw hung open as she attempted to comprehend what had just happened. Suddenly, she heard a noise above her and a scroll dropped onto her head and fell to the ground. She opened it and read aloud.
“Dearest Twilight, While Bill Cosby will still live in your house, each day he is to spend time with one of your friends so that he can learn the power of friendship, something you appear to have forgotten. Signed: Princess… Trollestia?” Twilight dropped the scroll to the ground once again and turned to Bill Cosby, who was still waving at the air, even though Princess Celestia was long gone.
He turned to face Twilight. “Ya see, this reminds me of Jell-O Pudding.” He concluded. Suddenly, he looked confused. “Actually, it reminds me of Kodak film. Or was it Coca Cola?” Bill rubbed a hand against his chin, deep in thought and began blathering on about other things the situation reminded him of.
Twilight sighed heavily and turned away from the human clad in his disastrous sweater. She began a long, slow walk back to her library, her home, knowing full well that her super wonderful happy time friendship adventures with Bill Cosby were only just beginning.
EPILOGUE: *During the chase scene*
“Get back here!” Twilight slammed the library door shut, a loud bang echoing through the now vacant library. All was still, except for the wall Twilight had accidentally cast the spell upon. A small purple spiral appeared out of the center and began to expand exponentially, until it reached from ceiling to floor.
From the depths of the spiraling abyss, a man stepped through the portal into Equestria. Am evil man. A hairy beast of a man. One whose sinister comic genius can only rival Bill Cosby’s purity.
The Cosby Show: Pudding is Magic Chapter 4 by neutralmilk
“`Ah never worked on a farm before!” Bill Cosby declared excitedly, crouching down to pick up a large barrel filled to the brim with shiny, red apples. Applejack turned her head and sighed, watching him wrap his arms around the barrel and lift it with little difficulty. Parts of his bizarre dark purple sweater complete with small, knitted apples on it stuck out from behind the wooden container.
Bill teetered for a moment and stopped suddenly, the usual smile on his face fading quickly. Unexpectedly, he flopped backwards overdramatically, his arms flailing about as if made of noodles instead of muscle and bone. “Azip-zoppidy-Woooooooh!” he shouted out as he finally landed flat on his back, the apple barrel crashing behind him and sending its precious cargo rolling about the field.
“That’s funny, Sugarcube.” Applejack grunted. “Cause you sure ain’t working on one now.” She trotted over to the downed human and offered him a hoof to which Bill Cosby accepted gratefully. He slowly rose to his feet. “Are y`all alright?” she asked kindly, noting a small rip in his sweater by his shoulder.
Bill Cosby brushed his khakis off and nodded, his smile slowly returning. “Why, I’ve never felt better!” His eyes turned down toward the tear. “Oh, pay no mind to the sweater.” He waved his hand dismissingly. His smile was warm and genuine. “It was surely my own fault! Work is meant to be taken seriously, afterall!”
The orange mare stood still, staring at the elder comedian as he hurriedly went about his immediate area picking up whatever apples he could reach. Effortlessly, Bill snatched his now half-full barrel and began his trek back toward the barn. “To make up for my foolishness, I’ll take your barrels as well, my next go around!” he shouted back over his shoulder.
Applejack watched him walk off into the distance until he was unseen. Not once did he stop to dance, chuckle loudly at nothing, or distort his face into nightmarish images. “What in the hay?” she asked aloud to nopony in particular. A light breeze gently played with her mane, making her shiver momentarily. Her eyes scanned the ground for more loose apples, only spotting a few – most bruised and damaged enough that they were better off as fertilizer.
She sighed and started toward her barrels. “Well, ain’t no use cryin’ over spilt apples.” Expertly, she lashed them to her sides and started her long walk back to the barn. “`Ah guess `ah’ll just hafta make him work twice as hard.”
She had done this walk more times than she could count, for more years than she cared to remember. It came with the territory, she knew. Hard work had been a part of her life, and she loved every minute of it. She loved the sweat in her mane after a long day, the dirt and mud caked to her hooves. The overall feeling of satisfaction a day of labor gave her. Another breeze swept by, threatening to knock her trademark Stetson from her head. Instinctively, she froze, grabbed the brim and pulled down until it was secured once more.
She took the moment to look at the barn in the distance, the bright red building standing in sharp contrast to the blue sky and its small, sporadically placed clouds. Bill Cosby was nowhere to be seen – hopefully indicating that he was inside and sorting the apples. A deep breath and Applejack was back marching in time to a silent beat toward the barn. A weary smile sat planted on her lips as her mind ran through the life she had lived thus far on Sweet Apple Acres – and the many more years she would spend walking down the same path to the same beat.
“A-Floop!”
Applejack paused and looked up, to be greeted again by the image of the barn surrounded by rows and rows of apple trees. Another gust of wind blew directly into her face, forcing her to look away momentarily.
“That’s funny…” her voice trailed off. As the wind subsided, she looked around. “`Ah coulda’ sworn `ah heard somethin’...”
Spotting nothing, she shrugged it off and continued walking, her mind starting to wander once more.
“Zip-zip-azoop!”
Applejack again looked up, expecting Bill Cosby to be blocking her path with a stupid look adorning his face. Yet, as before, she found herself alone – not a single Jell-o pudding cup or sweater in sight.
“Is anypony there?” she called out into the wind. A minute passed without so much as a goofy laugh from the out-of-touch comedian. “Now this is just plain silly.” Applejack grumbled, picking up the barrels once again and walking.
“Ya know! The dentists, they tell ya not to pick your teeth…”
The orange mare had yet to step ten feet before the sudden outburst sent her jumping. A feeling of panic spread through her body as spun around in a full circle, desperately searching for Bill Cosby – even staring through the branches of nearby apple trees. She knew that she heard him, his voice and “jokes” were unmistakable. But he was nowhere to be seen. Applejack picked up her pace, trotting steadily toward the barn.
“Hey hey hey! I’m here to play!” Bill’s voice called, seemingly from thin air.
Applejack looked behind her, spotted nothing and continued forward, her tempo hastening. The barn was growing larger in her field of view. Her destination – her haven.
“My daughter was so rude, in fact, that’s how she got her name! Rud-Eeeeeeee! Rud-Eeeeeeee!”
Applejack was galloping at full speed now, desperately hoping to outrun the oncoming “jokes” and the mysterious appearance of canned laughter echoing from the heavens.
“But where does the stork get the babies from?! A-zippity-zow-wow!”
“Oh sweet Celestia, make it stop! Please?!” Applejack pleaded over the sounds of another “Fat Albert” joke. Her mad dash was just about finished when suddenly the skies above her were silent.
No jokes or laughter.
Not a single sound.
Applejack slowed to a stop by the barn door, gasping for breath. She smiled, relieved. The feeling receded quickly, though, as she knew that inside the barn was the man himself, Bill Cosby. Had this all been an elaborate trick he’d been playing? Did Bill Cosby truly posses such immense power? Or was Applejack losing her mind – her long day with the comedian taking its toll.
She was unsure, but knew deep in her gut that the answer had to be behind the door. Sweat dripped from her brow, and a feeling of dread washed over her. Slowly, she raised a hoof the door and nudged it open.
There, showered in streaks of sunlight that broke through the barns many cracks, sat a large number of barrels, filled to the brim with bright red apples. Applejack slowly looked over the entirety of the barn, searching for any sign of Bill Cosby – and failing in the process.
Carefully, she stepped inside.
“A-are ya’ in here?” her voice faltered. She took a deep breath to regain her composure and continued further into her family’s barn.
“Flibbity-zowie!”
Applejack paused, hoping to pinpoint exactly where the sound had come from. Silence. She turned back toward the entrance, wondering, perhaps, if Bill Cosby had ran outside.
“Well if it isn’t the Cracklejack!” a voice started from behind her.
“So I got the boy tube socks!” another, the same voice, cracked.
Another voice started humming, while another started talking about his Hawaiian themed sweater – this in turn starting a chorus of other voices discussing their own sweaters.
Applejack slowly turned to find the barrels full not with apples, but miniature Bill Cosby heads – each making its own face and shouting out “jokes” for cheap laughs. They spun around in their barrels, moving about to discuss sweaters, and attempting to dance – one of them succeeding in falling to ground and rolling over to Applejack.
“A-woooh-woooh-woooooh! I think I’m getting’ dizzy, a-zoop!” it cried, before looking straight up and sucking its cheeks in as far as they could go.
Applejack stood, scared stiff. Her mind was at a complete loss – nothing could have prepared her for this ultimate nightmare. Suddenly, she felt a hoof – no, a hand grip her shoulder.
She turned to find the full-sized Bill Cosby standing behind her, his face hidden by sunlight, save for a huge smile tucked above his double-chin.
He gradually leaned down, stopping next to Applejack’s face. He opened his eyelids wide, revealing to Applejack two miniature Bill Cosby heads implanted into his eye-sockets where his eyes once were. His smile remained static.
“You got any jell-o pudding?” his eyes asked, simultaneously.
Applejack let out a shout of terror as her eyes shot open, revealing what could only be described as the most perfect possible day in Ponyville. Her breathing rapid, Applejack jumped to her hooves and eyed her surroundings. Sweet Apple Acres looked exactly as it always did, and judging by the imprint in the grass, it looked like she had fallen asleep under the midday sun.
Relieved, she wiped the sweat from her brow and stretched. “It wasn’t real.” She said aloud to herself, trying to push the image of the Bill Cosby heads out of her memory. “`Ah guess it’s time to git back to work.” Applejack gathered a few barrels of apples and slowly began lashing them. She remembered now that Bill was (supposed to be) hard at work in the barn, giving her plenty of free time to get some bucking done.
And yet, as she readied herself for more work, her mind was still troubled – as if she had forgotten something.
Or, somepony.
“Oh my sweet Celestia!” Applejack shouted, suddenly. “Where in the hay is Apple Bloom?!”
She thought back as hard as she could – Apple Bloom wasn’t in school today. She also hadn’t gone out crusading with her friends, as far as she knew. In fact the last time Applejack had seen Apple Bloom, the filly was walking toward the barn – the very place Bill Cosby was now.
A twinge of panic came over Applejack at the thought of Bill Cosby alone with her sister – the most precious thing in her life. The feeling passed into guilt, however, after remembering how Princess Celestia herself expressed her faith in the tubby comedian. But still, something in her stomach didn’t quite sit right.
A flash of the Bill Cosby heads in barrels passed into her mind. She shivered with fear. A good man or not, the thought of Apple Bloom alone with him was more than Applejack could handle. “`Ah guess it wouldn’t hurt to check up on the two of them.” Applejack said into the open air, justifying her paranoia. Leaving the apples behind, Applejack began the all too familiar trek.
It was at that moment the sound of shrieking pierced her ears. Applejack picked up her head and listened closely, until another screech revealed her worst fears – the sound was coming directly from Sweet Apple Acres’ own barn.
Her heart dropped, and her mouth went dry. “Apple Bloom!” Applejack cried.
Not wasting a single second, the orange mare took off in a full gallop, her eyes fixed on the barn’s front doors. Another squeal rang out as she dashed closer and closer, panic in her chest. She could only imagine what horrors Bill Cosby was up to. Dancing stupidly to cheesy synth 80s songs? The thought made Applejack shiver. Perhaps making Apple Bloom eat too many pudding cups! Or what if he was cartoonishly chasing after Apple Bloom, with a large goofy grin on his face?!
“AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Apple Bloom’s voice rang out, sounding desperate.
How could she have let her own sister alone with that madman? Applejack doubled her efforts toward the barn, her hooves tearing away at the grass and dirt. Guilt was eating away at her, sending tears to her eyes. If he was hurting her, she would never be able to forgive herself.
At last, she had arrived, the doors cracked open. Applejack gasped for air, momentarily before bucking the door open, sending it flying off the hinges. “Apple Bloom! I’m here to save-” her voice dropped.
“A-Apple Bloom!? What in the hay are you doin’?!” Applejack was taken aback at the sight before her.
Bill Cosby lay on his back, his usual spaced out look with a goofy grin attached to his face. He seemed to hardly notice (or care for that matter) that just a foot or so down a cream coloured filly was jumping on his stomach, giggling madly.
“How many times have `ah told you to not jump on the distended stomachs of our guests!”
Apple Bloom stopped bouncing and stood still, pawing adorably, if somewhat awkwardly, on Bill’s belly. “But Applejaaaaack! It’s so squishy and bouncy! `Ah couldn’t help myself!”
“`Ah don’t care if his stomach is made out of trampolines; you are not allowed to jump on Bill Cosby’s stomach! Now git down from there!” Applejack shouted, stomping a hoof firmly on the ground to emphasize her point.
Apple Bloom sighed heavily and turned to face Bill Cosby. “Thanks a lot for letin’ me bounce on your belly, Mr. Cosby. You always were my favorite African American sitcom star slash comedian who peaked in the 80s and early 90s.” With that, she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek which elicited a small gurgle from Bill Cosby. A small dribble of pudding oozed from his lower lip.
The filly awkwardly clambered down Bill Cosby’s side and landed on the hard ground, missing the soft, comfortable feel of the man’s flabby gut. She turned her gaze one last time toward Bill Cosby and smiled, before finally disappearing through the barn door opening.
Applejack sighed and stepped to the actor’s side, pulling him to his feet. She found it impossible to mince her words, instead coming out directly. “How could you let ma’ sister use you as a trampoline?”
She eyed Bill Cosby sternly, waiting for a response. Instead she was greeted with silence and the same goofy grin he held on his face through the entire ordeal. No uttering’s of Jell-o pudding or Kodak cameras.
“`Ah guess, honestly, `ah owe you an apology. `Ah knew the Princess Celestia gave you the ok, and hay, even though Pinkie Pie loves you, I didn’t trust ya. `Ah guess, I should’ve made the effort to get to know you before judging you.”
Bill’s lips sputtered, a steady stream of pudding continuing to flow from his lips and dripping onto his mostly ruined sweater.
“No, no, it’s not yer fault. It’s just that, well, ma’ family means so much to me. And the thought of something bad happenin’ to em is too much to bear.”
A low groan emanated from Bill Cosby and after what seemed like a minute trailed off into silence, his mouth still hanging open awkwardly.
“Ya know, `ah never thought of it like that. `Ah’m glad you agree. But `ah really ca’ expect you to forgive me. `Ah mean, you hardly even know me, and after all `ah’ve done -”
The groan started up again, and slowly turned into a long, deep, (and ultimately impressive) burp.
“D-do ya’ really mean it, Bill?” Applejack stuttered, a smile growing on her face. “Of course there’s always room in ma’ family for one more!” She wiped a tear from her eye. “A-And we - `ah’d - love to have you be a part of it!”
The orange mare stepped forward and hugged Bill Cosby tightly. Rather than returning the affection, Bill stood still and solid. At last, gravity seemed to take over of the situation, knocking Bill Cosby back onto the ground. His belly jiggled at the impact of his fall.
Applejack giggled. “Why it would be ma’ pleasure, Bill.”
Slowly, carefully, Applejack stepped to the comedian’s side. She gently placed a hoof on his stomach, feeling it jiggle beneath her touch. The sweater rippled, giving the illusion of a pond disturbed by a single rock thrown in its center – a beautiful and hypnotizing sight. A feeling of warmth and love washed over the mare as she stepped onto his stomach entirely.
All throughout Ponyville the sounds the laughter and squeals of happiness could be heard as Applejack jumped and played on top of Bill Cosby’s belly, without a care in the world.
