Absolutely Deplorable
"Good evening! I'm your on-the-scene reporter, Scene Capture, coming to you live from Las Pegasus! This just in, the entirety of the city is in utter chaos," said the young news reporter amidst a crowd of wild ponies. She made sure to position herself, so as to avoid any physical confrontation or flying objects. "As you can see behind me, every pony is furious due to the recent alcohol shortage. At this moment, nopony knows exactly why the alcohol disappeared. Throughout the city, bars are being ransacked, tables flipped, and windows broken in desperate attempts to locate more alcohol so they can, uh… further intoxicate themselves.”
The streets themselves had become an enormous brawl, as everypony took their anger out on one another. Punches were thrown in all directions, and teeth scattered the streets. At this point, many of them would need a damn good dentist.
"With us now is one of the participants in this frenzy. What is your name, sir?"
Next to Scene Capture stood a medium-sized stallion. He swayed back and forth, his tattered brown mane flopping from side to side. Though he was covered from head to hoof in black and blue splotches, one could faintly make out the natural tan color of his coat.
"Hey there, pretty lady. Mah name'sh Tippy Tankard... hic!” replied the stallion. He was slurring his words, obviously drunk off his ass. “What can Ah do ya for?"
The reporter cringed from the sickening scent of alcohol that crept off of his breath. "Well, um, Tippy Tankard... am I pronouncing that correctly?” She stopped for a moment. “How is it that everypony ended up in such a state? Where is the match that started the fire? What got all these ponies so riled up?"
"Uh, well Ah guess they just didn't make enough poniesh for the booze... or shomethin’ like that."
"Yes, I'm aware of that. What I want to know is how... how..." she trailed off. "Umm, Mr. Tankard, what is that on your flank?"
The plastered stallion turned his head to get a better look. "Oh, that'sh mah cutie mark!" he proclaimed with beaming pride.
"Is that a... beer bottle?"
"Why, yesh it ish, pretty lady."
"So, your talent is... beer?" asked the news reporter incredulously.
"That'sh right. Ah got thish beauty when Ah wash jusht a little colt. Thanksh for notishing!"
"Well, I won't even begin to question the ethics of that. Anyway, back to my original inquiry. Who started this riot?"
"Well, Ah don't exactly know how, but Ah think it shtarted just down the shtreet at the local brewery. Shomponiesh were pisshed off at the bar when they couldn't give them no more booze, sho they marched on down to the brewery and demanded more! They couldn't find none, and pretty shoon, well, thish!" he said as he gestured to the ever-growing mob around them.
"Well... Tippy, was it? Thank you, Tippy, for that... enlightening account. You can return to whatever it was you were doing before."
"I don't know, pretty lady. I'm thinking I wanna stick around and hang out with you a little longer... wait. Crap! I'm starting to sober up! Time to find more beer!" he shouted as he ran off into the crowd.
"Alright then," muttered the reporter. "That was certainly… interesting."
Scene Capture quickly pulled herself together, looking at the camera and holding up her microphone. "The authorities arrived on scene just moments ago. They've attempted to suppress the mob using persuasion techniques, crowd controlling strategies and the like, but to no avail. Unfortunately—Wait... hang on, what is that?"
In the distance, a strange object moved in the direction of the city. As it drew closer, it began to resemble a locomotive, letting off steam as it made its way to them. The ponies were momentarily distracted from their rampage, and everyone’s gaze turned towards it.
"Is that a... steam engine?" asked the reporter, completely perplexed.
The locomotive entered the city, and strangely enough, every pony moved aside to let it through. It came to a grinding halt, and all of the rioters stared at it with growing wonder and confusion.
Two similar-looking unicorn stallions emerged from the center. They wore straw hats on top of their manes, which very closely resembled bacon, as well as matching jackets with blue and white stripes, complemented by a black bow tie. One of them had a mustache, and that was the only noticeable difference, besides their cutie marks. In fact, even their cutie marks were similar, with one of them being a red apple slice, and the other being the remainder of that same apple.
They hopped off of their strange contraption, and on cue, some music started playing. After a few seconds, they joined in with their voices.
"Well, lookie what we got here, brother of mine, it's the same in every town!" chanted one of the brothers. "Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found!"
He was speaking so quickly, that the inebriated ponies had a hard time understanding his words, which only served to annoy them further.
"Maybe they're not aware, that there's really no need for this teary despair!"
"That the key, that they need to solve this sad, cider shortage you and I will share!" sang the other brother.
The ponies in the crowd scratched their head in confusion.
"Well, take this opportunity, in this very community!" sang both of the brothers.
"He's Flim!” sang Flam.
“He's Flam!” sang Flim.
“We're the world-famous Flim Flam brothers!” They resumed their unison. “Traveling sales ponies, nonpareil!"
"What the hell is a nonpareil?" one of the crowd members shouted.
“Can you drink it?” another drunkard asked.
"Nonpareil, and that's exactly the reason why, you see. Nopony else in this whole place will give you such a chance, to be where you need to be. And that's a new world, with tons of cider. Fresh squeezed and ready for drinking."
"More cider than you can drink in all your days of thinking," finished Flam, once again in song.
"That's some bullshit right there," grumbled Tippy in disbelief.
They continued their idiotic presentation. "So take this opportunity, in this very community!"
"He's Flim!"
"He's Flam!"
"We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers. Traveling sales ponies nonpareil!"
"Shut up!" roared many of the ponies in the crowd. They threw around insults like there was no tomorrow.
"Boo!"
"You suck!"
"We just want booze, not a performance!"
They continued to sing, despite the uproar.
"I suppose by now you're wondering, 'bout our peculiar mode of transport."
"I say, our mode of locomotion!"
"And I suppose by now you're wondering, where is this promised cider?"
"Any horse can make a claim, and any pony can do the same."
"But my brother and I have something most unique and superb, unseen at any time in this big new world."
"And that's opportunity!"
"Folks, it's the one and only, the biggest and the best!"
"The unbelievable!"
"Unimpeachable!"
"Indispensable!"
"I can't believe-able!"
"Flim Flam brothers' Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000!"
Finally, Flam was struck by a glass beer bottle that was thrown from somewhere within the mob.
"Do you bozos have booze or not?" demanded a morbidly obese stallion from the crowd, before he promptly tipped over onto his side, delirious.
The other ponies yelled in agreement.
"Well, yes. We do have 'booze', so to speak," said Flim, so the crowd prepared to make an attack on the locomotive.
"Wait!" exclaimed Flam. "We have to make it, first!"
The ponies stopped dead in their tracks. Groans of disappointment could be heard from the crowd.
"No need to panic, folks! We'll have that cider ready for you in a jiffy, thanks to our Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000!"
The ponies stood there expectantly.
"Alright! Lets not waste any more time!" they said simultaneously as they powered on the machine using their magic.
Almost immediately, a long, cylindrical tube sprung to life, and found its way to the back of the locomotive, where they had been pulling carts full of apples behind them.
Flim and Flam nonchalantly sat down on their sofa, and allowed the machine to do all the work for them. A large barrel of fresh apple cider was produced in less than thirty seconds, and it disappeared into the crowd.
"Hang on a second, you have to pay for that!" they shouted, but it was too late.
The ponies in the crowd eagerly awaited the arrival of the next barrel, their tongues dripping in drunken anticipation.
"Hurry up with that booze!" shouted several ponies.
Every time a barrel was produced, it vanished in an instant. Satisfying their insatiable thirst for alcohol proved to be more difficult than the Flim Flam brothers had originally thought.
The two brothers looked at each other worriedly. "Brother, I think we'll be losing a bit more than just profits if we don't make cider fast enough to calm these feisty ponies."
They put their hoof to their chins for a moment, then Flam's eyes lit up. "I've got it!" he exclaimed.
Flam flipped a switch, and the machine began accepting all the apples, regardless of their quality.
Flim leaned towards his brother and whispered, "Are you sure that's a good idea? Remember what happened last time?"
"Oh, I remember it. The difference is that last time we weren't fighting for our lives!"
"Hmm, I suppose you're right!"
The cider was distributed to every pony at an exceptional rate, and they began to cheer, welcoming the kegs of cider being passed out to the mob. One pony in the crowd raised his mug.
"Here's to Flim and Flam!" he shouted, and everyone else shouted in agreement. Once they all took a sip of their frothy beverages, the brothers' fates were sealed.
Some of them gagged at the taste, some of them tried to stomach it but vomited as a result. The rest spit it out, trying their hardest to get the filthy flavor out of their mouths. One pony started foaming out of the mouth and fell on his back, his entire body twitching uncontrollably.
"This tastes like piss!" yelled a rather bodacious mare in the front.
"Why they feedin' ush thish shit?" exclaimed Tippy, who had apparently managed to get himself wasted again in the brief time that had elapsed since the interview.
The crowd grew even more restless. Flim and Flam were unsure of what they could say to satisfy their unruly customers. As the brothers darted their eyes around, uttering nonsense as they were at a loss for words, one of the kegs of the foul substance flew towards them and broke at their hooves, spilling the contents all over the ground. Flim and Flam recoiled in shock, and once they got a good look at the facial expressions of the ponies, prepared for the oncoming torrent.
Random items flew at them, including empty beer bottles, horseshoes, and even silverware. The frightened brothers climbed to the top of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 in an attempt to escape the psychotic drunks.
The drunks, however, would not be denied some form of satisfaction. At this point, every last pony in the mob was redirecting all of their anger and frustration towards the twin brothers. All hell had broken loose for these two traveling sales ponies.
They swarmed the locomotive like parasprites. Thinking quickly, Flim caught a flying barrel with his magic and used it as a makeshift shield to block the fast-approaching projectiles, while Flam fought back the aggressors with a broken pipe, flailing it around like a mad pony.
Flim lost the concentration necessary to sustain his magic, and dropped the barrel he had been using as a shield. A unicorn in the mob managed to catch it with her magic and tossed it straight at Flam, hitting him on the head and causing him to lose his balance and tumble over, which had him headed straight for the edge.
He would've gone over and off their machine, but Flim rushed to his aid, grabbing him by the shirt to pull him back up. It became a game of tug-o-war when the crowd grabbed Flam's hind leg, attempting to pull him off. Flim, using magic to assist him, eventually pulled his brother back to safety. They breathed a quick sigh of relief, but their victory was short-lived.
The rocking of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 continued, with even more ferocity than before. The crowd below gave one final heave, and the locomotive finally gave way and tipped over, bringing the two brothers down with it.
At long last, the crowd was able to have their way with the Flim Flam brothers, beating them senseless. They used every single tactic they could: punching, kicking, scratching, pinching, and even biting. A young mare even latched onto Flim's leg with her teeth, hanging on for dear life as he tried to shake her off like a rabid dog.
After they were beaten nearly to death, something amazing distracted the attackers. The Wonderbolts could be seen in the air. There were thick ropes wrapped around each of their midsections, and enormous wooden containers dangled below them. Behind them followed even more pegasi carrying identical containers.
"Citizens, please disperse!" announced Spitfire, captain of the Wonderbolts, over a megaphone. "We’ve brought a new shipment of alcohol. There is no longer any reason to panic. We will be delivering the booze to their respective places, which are the majority of the bars, casinos, and hotels in Las Pegasus."
Following that announcement, the entire crowd rejoiced, letting out screams of joy and delight. They began to calm down, and slowly but surely made their way back to the local bars and such to enjoy the new shipment of poison.
In their wake, Flim and Flam remained in the same spot, lying on the ground, battered and broken. They moaned and groaned as they rose to their hooves. Their appearances, however, still remained somewhat similar to one another. They were both bruised and bleeding all over, with black eyes and broken noses. Flim was most likely going to need a tetanus shot after being bitten. He examined the wound on his hind leg, which was trickling with blood.
"Animals! All of them!" exclaimed Flim.
"Well," started Flam, "looks like we've encountered a slight... problem, here in Las Pegasus," he said, followed by a fit of coughing, due to having his chest stomped on.
"No pony wants our —pbth—product," returned Flim, spitting out a tooth. "Next town?"
"Next tow—" Flam started to say, until he looked at what was left of their beloved locomotive.
The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 was in utter shambles, destroyed beyond recognition.
"Ugh. On second thought, we should probably find a repair technician.”
Even after being brutally violated and narrowly escaping with their lives, the Flim Flam Brothers still didn’t understand why ponies don’t like their cider.
Freakin’ idiots.