Everypony Shut Up
Cranky Doodle Donkey's Bad Asssssss Day
By Einhander
I've said this before and no one was listening, so perk up your ears 'cause I'm gonna say it one last time. The problem with Ponyville is that it's filled with Ponies.
Ponies play at being nice, sure. Give you the time of day if you ask, give you exact change if you check their math. But I know the truth. All that giving and asking for nothing in return. Singing and prancing like they run the place (which they do!) They smile too much. That's how you can tell they're full of it. Heck, that cross-eyed mail mare is always smiling, saying 'howdy doo, Mr. Doodle Donkey' every damn morning. Right before she trips on some rain cloud, or a bush. No creature that miserable could actually be happy, so why is she smiling?
It's a scam, kiddos. The ponies here are all cuddly con artists. And that pink fluffy one who calls herself my friend? The ringleader.
So am I surprised that on this, the biggest scam day of the pony calendar year, Hearts and Hooves day, that I find myself in a pony jail cell, head and legs bandaged up? No sir, I am not.
Look, here comes that brown earth pony now. Stallion, what's his name. Always messes things up. He's wearing a stupid hat and a stupider face. He sighs and leans against the bars.
"I'm really sorry, Mr. Donkey." He takes off his police pony hat and runs his hoof through his mane. "But I gotta hold ya until Ms. Pinkie wakes up, to see if she wants to press charges." He quickly puts the hat back on his head (and the thing immediately falls over his eyes, it's too big, no wonder it looks stupid on him), and stammers, "not that any pony thinks she will! She's super nice and forgiving and-well- still, I gotta do my job."
I've suffered a lot of fools in my time, and I've honed my ability to dismiss any dim creature with a single snort. I make such a snort now. "Nice hat, 'officer.'"
He brightens up. "Thanks! My mom made it."
I must be losing my edge. My hoof meets my face for a few moments. I try to strip the sarcasm from my voice. "Look, kid-"
I blank on his name. In my head, I just think of him as 'the dumb one.' I have a vague memory of Matilda telling me he's named after some kinda candy. Can't place it. Never mind. I shake it off and push ahead. "Officer, let's dispense with the pleasantries. I want to go home. I'm already late for my date."
"You're telling me! No offense, but when I imagined spending Hearts and Hooves day in uniform, it wasn't with... Uh." He takes off his hat again, and I get an image in my head of an actor forgetting his lines. "Well to be honest no pony said they'd be my special somepony just yet, but still, no offense, this isn't my idea of a perfect holiday."
"Right. Neither of us is having fun. And I'm making a very special lady friend wait so ." My voice cracks a little. "So please. Let me go."
That dumb smile crawls back onto his face. "Well, I would if I could but I can't so..." He hesitates, then shrugs. "Sorry."
I bang my hoof against the bars. "Enough of your double talk! I've got rights!" Coughing and wheezing now, my dander's up. Along with my blood pressure.
"Jeez, Mr. Donkey. Do you need a doctor?"
I croak, "Get me a lawpony."
"Yessir! Mayor Mare's all over it. Already sent a message by dragon mail to the best lawyer in Equestria, Mr. Slow Drawl."
Silence. I squint at him. "So where is he?"
He bites his lip. "The only problem is, Mr. Slow Drawl's got a nasty trial up in Canterlot, so we're going to have to get you our substitute lawyer... And we only have the one mare."
"Fine. She's hired. Where is she?"
He clears his throat. "She may not be available."
I grit my teeth. "Why?"
"Well, for the one, she's unconscious. And two when she wakes up, like I said..." He puts his hat back on, this time it falls backwards and covers his ears. "...we gotta find out if she wants to press charges against you."
I look at him. He looks at me.
And this is the Tartarus that is my life.
I don't care how many witnesses they have. I wasn't aiming my cart at that Pie kid.
Not that I gotta explain myself to anypony, but I suppose I should tell you how I ended up in this mess.
Heh. 'Anypony, Everypony.' They don't just run the place, they have to put themselves in every dang word of the language.
Anyway.
Look, you know me. Cranky Doodle, donkey and proud. I was lucky enough to find the love of my life, twice. And for some reason- it ain't got to do with my looks- she seems to love me back. Which is why you gotta believe me... I got better things to do than rot in Ponyville jail.
Okay, so I'm a little mixed up. It's this Hearts and Hooves Day! Past two months, that's all I've been hearing about. Hearts and Hooves, Hearts and Hooves, Special some ponies, mass hysteria. Get the point?
But as it so happens, I have a special... I got a very lovely lady friend in my life. You know her. Matilda , the prettiest creature on four legs. Maybe there are prettier things on two legs, I dunno. Don't want to know. All I care about is my Matilda.
It's hard to wake up every mornin' in this town without a lot of happy and a little regret. Happy that I found her, regret that it took me so long. Donkeys have pretty long life spans. But I spent a lot of mine trying to find her. And now that I have, every day is precious. Every day is Hearts and Hooves day, as far as this donkey's concerned. Don't need no made up holiday. You know that's what it is, right? Just made up to sell flowers and candy to saps. It's a scam. A pony scam that they've scammed the rest of us into buying into.
But Matilda, stars help me, grew up among ponies. And, can you believe this, she actually enjoys all their made up holidays! She drags me to their pageants, festivals, and that dang Winter Wrap Up. (You know that's the difference between honest, paid work and bullying a bunch of creatures into slave labor for a day? Freedom.) I go along because it makes her happy, and let's face it, if she's happy I'm happy. That smile is enough for me. But that don't mean I gotta like the crap she makes me do.
Okay, okay, I actually enjoy Nightmare Night. The sounds that those foals make when Luna scares'em outta their paper bag costumes... Heh. Plus, free candy.
But I hate, I hate I hate I hate Hearts and Hooves Day. For years, all those kissy face couples driving me nuts with their schmoopsie pie and their honey buttons and feh, I tell you, feh! Every peck on the cheek was an arrow through my hide on my long search for Matilda.
You know where this is going, right? I finally find her, and of course, it's her favorite day. Didn't know that at first. I found out at the end of my first one with her, when she turned to me around dinner time and said, 'so I guess I'm not getting even a flower today, am I?'
Nightmare Moon ain't got nothing on the rage of a ticked donkey, I tell you. Didn't help that we got to arguing, and I said something or other about it being a stupid day that didn't mean anything. Then she said that if I felt that way about our relationship, I could leave; I said fine, I will and...
It was a long time in the hay house for Ol' Cranky. After day four of sleeping in the barn (okay it was the Apples’ barn, and they didn't charge me, even offered me a bed in the house, but I know where I'm not wanted and that old bat was giving me the bug eyes) I told myself, 'Cranky, never again. If the lady wants a fuss, she gets a fuss. Nothing's too good for Matilda.'
I woke up in the hospital, shivering, wrapped in blankets, Matilda looking at me with concern. She said that Applejack came to see her, said I was having trouble breathing, came right over and had me taken to Ponyville General. I blubbered an apology and she took me back. She also made me stay for some tests, but I didn’t bother to get the results. I knew what the problem was. Nothing a little romance wouldn’t fix.
So I clean up my act. I start taking her out on walks, candlelit dinners, you name it. And this year, our second Hearts and Hooves together, I had a plan. I wanted to pull out all the stops. I was gonna ask her...
Ahem.
12 hours ago….
...I was standing in line at Bon Bon's Chocolate Shoppe, waiting to place an order for a Bon Bon's Bourbon Bon Bon's. It's a good thing the mare can bake, cause she'd never get a job in marketing. Matilda loves Bon Bon's Bon Bon's. I love bourbon. Love is about compromise.
I had gotten up before Matilda, kissed her on her crinkly forehead and left her a note saying I'd be back later. I even signed it 'Doodle,' which I knew would bring a smile to her muzzle. It was the first of many smiles I wanted for her today.
I had a plan. My father always told me, you gotta have a plan.
My Pa was what we call in my culture a 'bad ass.' Meaning he was tough, he was mean, and he was a pretty lousy father. But he didn't raise a fool. 'You may not like ponies,' he told me, 'and heck, why would ya, but it's hard not to deal with them at some point. You're gonna have an easier time if you remember three things.'
'First, if you see some tent appear on the side of the road selling magical trinkets and doo-dads, not only do you stay away, but skip the next town altogether. Some idiot mare is gonna buy some magic wand and stuff is just gonna be crazy for awhile. Ponies don't know any better than to mess with creepy old shops.'
'Second, if you're gonna stay in a place with ponies more than a year, you’re gonna get a lot of flak if you don't show up for Snow Shovel Day or whatever name they give it. Forced Free Labor Day. So here's what you do- get assigned to the birds nest team. You can spend all day on one nest, and you get the same credit as if you'd made sixty. True story.'
'Finally, and this is the big one. If you’re gonna date one, and why would ya, but if you’re gonna do it, they’re gonna expect something on Hearts and Hooves Day. And listen to me very carefully: PLAN. AHEAD.’
‘Ponies always leave that stuff for the last minute, running around getting flowers and candies and such. It’s a mad house. You don’t want any part of that. So if you fall under some pony’s spell, be sure to book your flowers and junk in advance.'
'You gotta have a plan.'
Then he went out and lost the deed to our house in a fixed card game. But it was good advice. Get a plan.
And by gum, I did.
I had it all worked out. Flowers. Candy. Perfect Weather. And a very expensive cherry on top.
I spared no expense, why not? I had saved my bits all my life, and we ain't having kids; I can't take it with me. And I did research too. Flowers, go to Roseluck. Best candy? Bon Bon. Weather? Not my favorite pony (none of them are my favorite), but Rainbow Dash is your mare. Then last but not least-certainly not in terms of price- Rarity's clothing shack. I had something special ordered.
I had paid in advance. I had stamped receipts. I had even tipped well, in advance. And most importantly, I made sure I didn't ask Pinkie Pie for nothing. No favors, no dessert, no help. I didn't want her anywhere near this project.
Look, I know I told her she was my friend. I guess she's earned that. And I know I owe her a lot. But repaying that debt is gonna take the rest of my life because every time she says hello, I have to restrain myself from throwing her out the window.
Pinkie Pie says she just wants everypony to be happy and have fun. Typical equine. Happiness and fun, sure, on their own terms. Only with her, it's times ten. Never mind personal space, or my own wishes. You get tired just listening to her.
Matilda thinks she's sweet. Matilda, hon, I love you but Pinkie isn't sweet, she's in dire need of medication.
So there I was, second stop of the day. I had already picked up the flowers, and now I was at the chocolate shop, minding my business, waiting with my stamped receipt (paid in full!), two ponies ahead of me. A little behind schedule but nothing I can’t fix. Suddenly, all I see is pink.
"Hiya Cranky!"
You ever have a weight drop in your stomach, all the way down to the bottom? And it's falling real quick, but you still have enough time before it lands to realize your day is about to be completely bucked.
"Pinkie," I said, trying to stay calm.
"Bet you’re super excited it's Hearts and Hooves day, huh?" Her grin was somehow bigger than her actual face. It gave me the jibblies. "Gonna get Matilda some sweets?"
"Er... Yeah, that's the plan, anyway."
"Some chhhhhhhocolates?" Pinkie drew out the syllables, stars in her eyes, and I would have bolted right there if I hadn't paid in advance.
"That's right," I hiss, "but it's supposed to be a surprise, so, keep it under your hat."
"You got it! Oh wait, but I don't have a hat. Hold that thought!"
Poof, she was gone. I stared into the dust cloud, then shook my head. Good riddance. I turned and saw the pony in front of me approach the cashier. Good. One to go.
"Got my hat!" She appeared, panting and wearing... What in the world was it? Giant, wide and with tassels. "Now, what am I supposed to put under it?"
She stared at me, and all the ponies around us stared at her. I was really trying to keep my cool, but my ears were already twitching.
"Whatever you want, just leave me out of it. I gotta lot of stuff to today for Matilda."
She smiled and tilted her head. "You really care about her, huh?"
I chuckled, despite everything. "Yep. However many years I have left, they're all about her."
The smile on her face crinkled a bit. Never thought I'd say this, but she looked like she was...thinking.
"Next!" Bon Bon called
I sighed with relief. "Sorry kid. Gotta see a lady about bourbon chocolates. Talk to you later."
"No problem, we'll talk-BOURBON?!"
She jumped. She gasped. She defied gravity for, oh, ten seconds. So did her hat, which also hung in the air. It happens more than it should, which is never. When she landed back on the ground, she said, "here, hold this."
There's a blizzard of movement. Pinkie hustled Bon Bon past the door into the kitchen behind the cash register, while I realized that, somehow, that ridiculous hat was on my head. Now all the ponies who were staring at her were staring at me. I found blood from places I didn't know I had to blush something terrible. I don't want this kind of attention. Never asked for it. Dirty pool, kid.
Behind the kitchen doors, I heard muffled arguments and the occasional shout. The gawkers were still gawking. I coughed, and tried to smile.I thought about what Matilda would do in this situation.
"Nice weather, eh folks?"
A few nods, but mainly they stared.
Finally one of the colts- Pip is his name, I think, he's a foreigner-raised his hoof.
"Mr. Doodle?" He asked in this twee little foreign accent.
I winced. "It's Cranky, or Mr. Donkey, kid. Don't call me doodle.
"Sorry. Mr. Donkey, why are you wearing a sombrero?"
I looked up at the tassels. So that's what this was. Sombrero, a stupid name for a stupid hat. But that didn't mean I had to thank the kid. "I dunno, where'd you get that silly accent?"
"Oh, that's easy. I'm from Trottingham."
His words dug up images from my memory. Flashes of cold mornings, beautiful green hills, pretty good scotch. “Trottingham, eh? I’ve been there. It’s a nice place.”
“Oh yes, it’s nice and all, but nowhere is as nice and friendly as Ponyville!”
I snorted. “You’re entitled to your wrong opinion, kid.”
He smiled. “Oh, yes!” Then his smile faded. “Wait, what?”
Bon Bon and Pinkie came out from the kitchen, and already I knew something was up. Pinkie was her same airhead self, bouncing along and humming. But Bon Bon's usual stern expression had been upgraded to downright grumpy. She trotted up to the counter slowly, shaking her head.
"Next," she said in a flat voice.
"Suppose that's me. Good luck with that accent, kid," I said to Pipsqueak and made my way to the front. "I'm picking up-"
"Sold out."
I blinked. "But I haven't even-"
"Bourbon Bon Bons, right? Sorry. Sold out.”
I can always tell when I'm about to get really cranky. My blood pressure rises, my hooves tremble, I start talking in shorter sentences. Matilda says you can see my fur literally darken from the extra blood pumping. There weren't any mirrors in this chocolate shack, but I'd bet bits to baguettes I was lookin' real dark.
"Listen here, mare. I paid in advance. And in full. I ordered a baker's dozen. Bourbon Bon Bon's." I brandish my little stamped receipt, trying to slow my breathing. "I'm not leaving without them."
Bon Bon didn't answer me. She was too busy grinding her teeth and staring daggers at the pony behind me. I turn and see Pinkie whistling, actively looking in any direction but my own. My eye started twitching.
"So sorry... Mr. Doodle." She was practically growling now. "As my apology for your inconvenience, I'm going to-" she gagged on the words, as if swallowing a jellyfish, "fully refund you, and give you a regular order of Bon's for... For fr..." A shudder, and a deep breath. "For free."
My ears perk. That was a mule of a different color. Sure, they taste better with the bourbon, and I'm still ticked about that she didn't hold a box for me ( I had paid in full!) but free was free. And Matilda will still love them. "Alright then. Refund and free? That's a good compromise."
"That's one word for it," Bon Bon muttered.
Bits exchange hooves and our transaction is complete. I march out without another word to Bon Bon, the Trottish colt or Miss Pinkamena Rub her Muzzle in Everything Pie.
Out the door and I threw the wrapped box into my cart. I had a few stops to go, and already wasted too much time here. I needed to focus. I needed no more distractions.
"Mmm, those Bons look great!"
I needed to get away from this pink pony before I lost my mind.
She was bouncing again, this time on top of my cart. "I bet Matilda is going to be super excited to have them! Ooh, Cranky, you're such a romantic!"
"Yeah, she's gonna be ecstatic.” My tone is drier than a desert. “Get off my cart.”
Pinkie held up the box of chocolates. “And these are so much healthier for you, too!”
"There is no such thing as a bourbon diet, although that hasn’t stopped me from—”
Healthier.
My brain caught up with my ears and suddenly it all made sense. “You! You said something to Bon Bon to stop her from selling me the bourbon bons, didn’t you?”
She stopped bouncing, and her muzzle contorted inward. It was like she had eaten a bag of lemons, all at once. Looking away, she said, “Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies.”
“I am asking questions, kid!”
“But I don’t want to tell any lies!” She whined.
My breathing started getting heavy again. “I have been planning this day for awhile, Pinkie. I’m begging you, no, I’m telling you, if you really are my friend—”
She suddenly was very close. “I am! I am your friend.” Her smile melted, and she put a hoof on my shoulder. “I care about you, Cranky. Very much.”
I glared at her, and took the hoof off of my shoulder. “Then promise me you’re gonna leave me alone today.”
“Cranky…” she whispered.
“You’re gonna leave me alone. You’re not going to speak to me, not going to follow me, and you’re not going to stop me from making this the best day ever for my Matilda!”
I said those last words louder than I intended, I guess. I certainly didn’t mean to slam my hooves in the ground so hard that they started to hurt. Pinkie gasped and took a few steps back, staring at me with wide eyes.
I want to take this moment to remind you that, no, I was not aiming my cart at her. I've got the truth on my side. At least how I remember it.
"Wait. You want me to... Not follow you?"
"Yep."
She put a hoof to the tip of her muzzle, like she was thinking hard. Or mocking me.
"Not speak to you?"
Definitely mocking me. "Yep."
"Annnd..." Now she was blowing bubbles out of a corncob pipe. "You want Matilda to have the best Hearts and Hooves day ever?"
I dragged out every syllable. "Yyyyyyyeeeeeppp."
"You got it, buddy! Pinkie Promise, After this sentence, no following, no talking, best day ever for Matilda!"
With a dramatic (mercifully silent) flourish, she crossed her heart, put her hooves up in prayer, and stuck a cupcake in her eye. Where she got the cupcake from, I have no idea. Then she stood still, hoof bent in a rigid salute, staring straight ahead.
After a few moments, I take off the hat and put it on her head. Picking up the reins of my cart and said, "Even for a pony, you're weird, kid."
I trotted away, cart in tow. I had two stops to go. Last time I looked over my shoulder, she was still standing there, staring ahead.
"Mr. Donkey?"
The voice of deputy duh stirs me. "Yes, officer? How can I help you?"
"You have a visitor, sir."
I perk up. Maybe this one bar town actually had two law ponies.
I hear a gate swing open, and the most beautiful creature in all of creation swims into view behind the bars.
"Oh, Doodle..."
It's her. Matilda. And while she'll be pretty from here to the ends of the earth, I can't remember her face ever looking so old.
"I knew you and Pinkie had issues, but I always hoped you'd resolve them with a pie fight or something." She shakes her head. "Did you really run her over with your cart?"
"Lies! Slander!" I cry.
She rolls her eyes and snorts. Crud, I'm in trouble now.
"I mean, alright, fine, yes my cart hit her and yes I was in it, but I wasn't aiming for her! Darn thing was going downhill!"
Matilda leans against the bars and stares right at me. "She's out cold, Cranky! You could have killed her!" She's crying. "You could have killed yourself!"
There's a pressure on my chest. The look in her eyes, the hurt in her voice. I can't remember ever feeling so low. "Matilda, my love, I'm... I'm sorry.”
“I spent all day waiting for my Doodle to come home to me, then I get a knock at the door and it’s Twilight, Princess Twilight, telling me my ‘better’ half is in the clink.” She sniffs. “I just don’t understand what you were even trying to do.”
And I know she means well and I know she’s upset and I know I’ve bucked up, but that does not stop me from shouting, “Do? DO?! I’ll tell you what I’m trying to do!” I bang my hooves against the bars. “I’m trying to celebrate this stupid holiday that these stupid ponies made up to show you how much I care about you, Matilda!” Grumbling, I turn my head and lean against the wall, hooves crossed. “I swear, the second I get out of here, we’re going to move to the mountains and get away from all of these freaks, where no one can bother us anymore.”
There’s a gasp, then a silence. The longer it gets the more I realize that despite my best previous attempts to hit rock bottom…
"I'm very sorry you feel that way about our town. And our friends."
... I have now found a shovel.
Look, I didn’t just tell Pinkie to shove off and then turn around and run her down!
And I didn’t run her down later.
On purpose, anyway.
Look, let me explain.
A pony’s life, whether they know it or not, is filled with privilege. You’re the same race as the ones in charge. You get marks on your flank that show your destiny. Chances are, you can carry a tune.
Whereas you’re born as something else, you gotta work twice as hard to get anything you got. Why hire a donkey when you can hire a farmer pony who has a carrot on their rear? And it ain’t like I got a face for modelling.
I don’t blame them for getting dealt better cards than other creatures. No soul’s got control over that. I do blame them for not realizing they got an edge. Any time I hear a pony complain about their lot, I risk committing a felony.
I haven’t, but, that’s because I’ve got self control.
So it took a little while to get the Bourbon incident out of my head. I was pulling my cart towards the cloud most likely to have Rainbow Dash in it, on a hill above of Ponyville. As I hoofed my way up the path, anger kept hitting me in waves. I was over it, then I got mad again, then I was soothed by the fact that the chocolate was free, then I got upset that it meant Matilda wouldn’t get the kind I wanted, then I remembered that I was the one who wanted the bourbon flavor…
...and then I almost ran smack dab into the pink menace. She was heading down the hill as I was going up, and we both blinked in surprise. Then the rage caught up with me
“Pinkie!” I growled. “I thought I told you not—-”
She held up a hoof to my muzzle, silencing me. Then she pulled out (again where she gets these things I don’t know and it drives me bonkers) a sign that said:
HOW CAN I BE FOLLOWING YOU
She threw the sign away and behind it was another—
WHEN I’M CLEARLY HEADING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION,
She threw that one away, and only one sign remained:
YOU SILLY FILLY ASS DONKEY
Then she dropped the last sign, kissed me on the nose, and trotted away.
It took a few moments to reconcile the signs with what the signs had said. If she wasn’t up to something, why did she have the signs ready to go that said she wasn’t up to something. “Exploiting loopholes, eh?” I shouted after her. “What are you, a lawpony?!” She jumped in the air and clicked her hooves, but didn’t turn around. Grumbling, I resumed my climb.
I find her sitting on a cloud, staring out in the distance. Honestly, I had half expected her to be asleep (never met a lazier athlete in my life.) Instead she looked strangely... thoughtful, I suppose.
"Ms. Dash," I rumble.
She turns, and flashes me an exaggerated smile. "Hi. Hey there, Doodle. How's..." She stretched out the 'z' of the last word to an unbearable length, "it goin'?"
I harrumph. Already. I don't like how this is going. "Fine. You all ready for the rainstorm I ordered?"
"I was wondering about that... This is a Hearts and Hooves day thing right?" She flies down and hovers next to me. "So why the rain? I'm no expert on romance, but I'd think a beautiful sunny day would be better."
I harrumph again. "And that's why you're not an expert on romance. Sunny days are fine and all, but Matilda likes rainy days. So that's what she's gonna get." I reach into my cart and pull out the contract with my teeth. "Thath wth I ptdth fth."
"Huh?"
I spit out the contract. "That's what I paid for."
"Right. Absolutely. Not a problem."
She's got that smile again. "Except..."
Dash waives her hooves vaguely. "I just think a nice clear sunset might be better, you know? Nice view, no mud in your hooves. Better for your, you know, health?"
Health. My eye twitched again.
"No pony ever caught a cold from a nice sunset!"
"What did she say to you?" I grumbled.
"Her?" Dash looked to her left and right. "W-who do ya mean?"
"You may just think of me as a grumpy old codger, Ms. Dash." I drew myself up to my full height. "But don't think of me as an idiot."
She sighed, and her wings deflated her closer to the ground. "Look, I've for two contracts for today at sunset. I didn't put it together until like five minutes ago, but it's for the same day, same house, and two completely different plans. I can't do gentle rainstorm AND beautiful sunset. And the sunset contract is... Well, she's paying me a lot more."
I was grinding my teeth so hard I'm surprised I have any left. My breathing was getting heavy, and I was working hard on forming a sentence that wasn't just a string of obscenities.
"I don't know what's going on between you two, and I don't want to know." Dash landed on the top of my cart and shrugged. "Personally, I think this is a stupid holiday, and I try to sleep through it if I can. So just let me know when you know what kind of weather you want, and wham, you'll have it in a flash."
"What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on!" I climb up my cart so we're muzzle to muzzle. "Pinkie Pie's not gonna stop until she's wrecked all my plans! And that crap stops here!"
"Pinkie Pie?" Dash blinked.
"I got flowers! I bought candy!" I turned and started pacing in my cart, furious. "Today was gonna be perfect, IS gonna be perfect, and I want my rain storm for my Matilda!"
Dash flew off my cart. "Cranky, uh, I hate to break it to you, but Pinkie was just the messenger."
I stopped. "What? Then who—"
She opened her mouth, closed it and then shook her head. "Nope!"
"Ms. Dash, please!" I shouted.
“Nope nope nope!” She kept shaking her head like a Diamond Dog hearing an awful noise. "Already too involved. I'll mail you a full refund!" She turned and with a kick, was gone with a rainbow streak into the horizon.
I collapsed onto my cart. Grown Donkeys don't cry, but I was close. What good were bits if I couldn't buy a rain cloud for my Matilda? You spend your life earning their currency, and then it doesn't even work when you need it to. And who was this pony mastermind, driven to ruin my big day? If not Pinkie, then...
My eyes shoot open. "Pinkie."
I look down the hill. I only had one more stop, Rarity's froofy house in the middle of town. And who do I see bouncing on out of it?
"Pinkie Pie!" I screamed.
She turned, saw me, looked down at the box in her hooves, looked back up at me, and ran.
I jumped in my cart to grab the reins, and it started to roll down the hill.
In my haste, I admit, I may have forgotten about gravity.
“I know, Cranky, that you and I had different journeys to get to Ponyville.“
Matilda sits outside my cell, staring at me with sad eyes. I’d say anything to make them brighten, but I figure I’ve already done enough.She’s speaking very slowly and choosing her words with care. Whenever she does that… it’s not good. I just shut up and listen.
“I know you spent a lot of time and trouble going around looking for me. That maybe you think ponies have mistreated you. Made you feel different.” She closes her eyes and takes a breath. “But I spent my whole life around ponies. Ponies that accept me, and love me. I was born in a town just like this, and now, it is my town.” Her eyes open, and her glare could burn a hole through a brick wall, let alone an old fool. "And I'm not leaving Ponyville. Not for you, or anypony. It's my home. You can share it with me, or..."
"... Or what?" I croak.
She sighs, quiet tears running down her cheek. "I love you so much, Cranky. But you've got this, it's more than crankiness, I don't want to say hate, but you've got something bad in your heart. It's burning you, eating at you." She sniffs, drying her tears. "It's killing you."
"Matilda..." I try to find the words. I feel the need to explain myself. "I spent so much of my life struggling. No pony giving me a helping hoof. Always finding my own way. It's hard to let go just because someone tells you too."
"And how often were you too stubborn to take a helping hoof? How would you even have seen it?” She asks.
I shrug. “I was looking for you. Nothing else mattered.”
“Well, you found me. What matters now?” She leans up against the bars. “Because you live here now. With me. Whatever ponies have done to you in the past... Real or imagined, it's the past." She shrugged. "You have friends that care about you.”
That gets a laugh from me, and I know it's not a kind one. The bad thing in my heart makes one last push. "Friends? Like Pinkie Pie? Running around, trying to ruin my special day for you..."
"Exactly like Pinkie Pie!" Her face turns hard again. "What did she ruin, exactly?"
"She... Prevented me from getting you Bourbon Bon Bons!"
Matilda rolls her eyes. "Cranky, the chocolate may be for me but the bourbon is for you, and you know what the doctor said about too much bourbon."
My ears droop. "Well, fine, but then she all but cancelled the rain storm I had planned for you!"
She shakes her head, but with less force than before. "But being out in the rain gives you a bad cough."
I am a whimpering mess now. "But you love the rain. I wanted it to be perfect."
"What? Hearts and Hooves Day?" She sighs. "That ship has sailed, Cranky."
I shake my head back and forth. "Not the day. Not just the day. I was gonna, I had a plan—”
"Ahem."
We both turn. It’s Officer Caramel again, this time with a face like he’d REALLY rather be anywhere else.
“Yes, Officer?” Matilda says.
“This is awkward.” He announces, staring at his hooves.
I dry my eyes and snort, “Well, it ain’t getting any better. What do you want?”
Caramel takes off his hat and clears his throat. “First, your attorney is here, I guess.”
“Okay,” I nod, “Good.”
He scrunches up his hat. “Well I’m just—see, the victim is also here.”
Matilda brightens up. “Pinkie’s okay? That’s great! May I see her?”
Before Caramel can answer, there’s a drum roll. I kid you not, a drum roll. Then a voice booms from the next room: “Announcing: the arrival of the one, the only…”
The door behind Caramel slams open, and there, in all her glory, bandage on her head, and some kind of suit jacket on her front legs, my nemesis...
“Pinkamena Diane Pie, Squirely Esquire, Attorney at Law!” she crows, then she pulls a cord and a party cannon explodes behind her, shooting confetti into the air. We all silently watch it fall to the ground.
After a moment, Caramel sighs and turns to Matilda. “They really don’t train me for this, you know?”
This is the part I should tell my attorney, but my attorney is also my accuser (and that's the Equestrian Justice System for you, thanks a lot, Celestia.)
So before this all goes pear-shaped, this is what happened:
At first, I was running and pulling the cart. Then the cart was going so fast that I fall into it, and gravity's doing the rest.
I'm gaining speed, but all I see is pink. Pink, and the box that pink is carrying. I cried out for her to return the box. She either didn't hear or didn't care.
Fine with me. I aimed the cart just to the right of her. Figured I could try to grab it out of her hoof.
The cart hit a bump, and everything jumped. The flowers flew out of the cart. Didn't care. The bag of chocolates was gone. No matter. The pink form clutching that box was my whole world, the only thing left that mattered.
She kept looking back at me, gasping and running faster. Momentum was building, making the cart harder to control. Good. I needed the speed. I needed that box.
Other ponies scramble out of the way of our chase. Applejack's fruit stand was suddenly in our path. Pinkie jumped over it, but my cart doesn't jump. Fortunately, Applejack managed to move in time. Her apple stand wasn't so lucky. There was a squishy crunch, and next thing I know I was covered in apple debris and wood.
I wiped my eyes. I saw ponies. Lavender ponies, sea green ponies, even a light yellow pegasus who had climbed up a tree. But where was- ah ha!
Pink turned a corner, sprinting down a side street. Trying to zig her way out of this. No deal, kid. I pull the reins hard, aiming my cart to the left.
I just barely made the turn. My heart was pounding, my brain way past reason. It was a long, narrow alley filled with obstacles. She had a good lead, but I had the speed. It was going to be close.
"Give it back!" I shouted. "Why don't you want Matilda and I to be happy?!"
Looking back, I'm not really sure why I said was screaming like a crazy pony. I never meant to be the villain in a Daring Do novel. I'm not even sure why I would think that's what Pinkie was up to.
But see, that's when it happened.
She turned back, the look of hurt on her face… I wish I could un-see it. I also wish she had seen the trash can coming. She hit it, tripped, and the box went flying out of her hooves backwards. It seemed to fly in the air forever, spiraling towards my outstretched hoof.
Then I caught it. I caught it! I laughed and held it tight, and everything was as it should be.
...except that I was still in a very fast moving cart...
...heading towards the stumbling form of my friend.
"Kid!" I scream,
She doesn’t move. I clutch the box as hard as I can.
“Get out of the way!”
Nothing. The cart was getting closer. I started to see spots.
“Pinkie!”
She didn’t move. It’s not my fault. It’s about to be an accident. No pony could blame me.
And then I turned the cart to the right as hard as I can.
It turned. It fell. It crashed. So did I..
Thrown from the cart. I land next to her, which meant that the cart didn’t land on her. The crumpled box fell out of my hooves. My last thought before it goes black was, ‘and Rarity didn’t even get my order right… I asked for white gold, not silver.’
Pinkie Pie struts around the area outside my cell, three pairs of eyes watching her. She stops a few times, opens her mouth, freezes, then shakes her head and keeps pacing. Every once in awhile, Matilda or the Officer glances at me and shrugs. It appears no one has the script.
Finally, I lose it. “Oh, come on Pinkie, would ya say some—”
There’s now a hoof blocking my mouth, and a sign in front of my face. Just like the one she painted earlier.
CAN’T BREAK A PINKIE PROMISE. I CAN’T SPEAK TO YOU
I roll my eyes. “Really? You didn’t have any issue announcing your job title earlier.”
She scrunches her eyebrows, then quickly writes something on her sign and shows it to me again:
WASN’T TALKING TO YOU.
I don’t have time for this. “Okay, kid, I release you from your promise.”
She takes a huge breath and says, “Ohmygoodness, does that feel better!”
“Great, now that that’s—”
“Ah ah ah ah!” Pinkie puts her hoof on my mouth again. “A lawpony who represents himself has a fool for a client!”
I blink. “But I’m not a lawpony.”
She grins. “Thaaaat’s right! I am!” She then turns to Caramel, her face all business. “I demand the release of my client! I demand a writ of habeus ponius! And I object to your hat!”
Caramel’s face drops. “But my mom made this hat…”
Matilda groans. “Pinkie, for Celestia’s sake… he’s only here because of what he did to you.”
“Allegedly!” Pinkie shouts, “Cranky is innocent until proven guilty.” She pauses, and leans close to me and whispers, “But you did do it, right? I mean you’re sorry, but you did it.”
I briefly consider that however bad jail might be, it would mean no more of this nonsense.
“Pinkie, I’m sure Cranky is very sorry about what happened—aren’t you, dear—so if you could just tell Mr. Caramel you’re dropping the charges…”
“Not so fast, Matilda!” Pinkie points at her, eyes wide and burning with passion. “I’m about to blow this case wide open!”
Caramel blinked. “Wait, is this a trial?”
“It’s whatever Pinkie wants to be,” I sigh.
“Yes, my client ran me down with his cart!” She points to her bandaged head. “That did happen. I was there. But! Why was he in such a state? What drove him to this temporary insanity?”
I exhale slowly. “You did. You botched my candy, cancelled my rainstorm, and…”
“Those things also happened!” Pinkie points her hoof at the ceiling. “But! Why did I do them?”
At this point, all the rage and anger is coming back. That thing in my heart that Matilda talked about, it’s there and it’s grabbing hold. “Why do you do anything?! Why do you follow me around and mess with my stuff?? Why can’t you just leave me—”
“It was me!”
I turn. Matilda’s looking at the floor. “It was me, Doodle. I told Pinkie to do those things.”
“Matilda? I don’t understand…”
She wipes her eyes. “You woke up in the hospital last year, Cranky. You didn’t want to hear the results, but I did.” She approaches the bars looks at me. “You’ve got a bad heart, honey. All that stress and strain, it’s what’s causing you to breath heavy, to pass out sometimes.”
Pinkie nods. “And what did you ask me to do today, Miss Matilda? What is bad for his heart?”
“Too much bourbon. Too much being out in the rain. Too much stress.” Matilda reaches through the bars with her hoof. I take it in my own. “I love you, honey, and I want you to stick around. I didn’t mean for all of this to happen.”
I’m a mess. I turn to Pinkie and say, “But… I don’t understand. If that’s what you were up to, why did you try to take my box from me?”
Matilda blinks. “Box?”
“I was going to… I guess it doesn’t matter now, since it got destroyed, but… I was gonna give you flowers. And chocolate. Under a rain cloud.” Tears are running down my muzzle again. “And I was gonna ask you to be my wife.”
She gasps. “Doodle…”
“I had this leg-band all picked out, but Pinkie got to Rarity’s before I could, and she was running away with my jewlery box. That’s why I was chasing her.” I shake my head. “It turned out that Rarity must have goofed on the order. It was silver not white gold like I asked. I just don’t—”
There is now a box before my muzzle, in Pinkie’s hoof. White, wrapped in a bow Just like the one I saw in Pinkie’s hooves as she ran away. Before I can say another word, she opens it.
“Was THIS the leg-bracelet you were looking for?”
And son of a gun, it is. White gold. Tasteful tiny diamonds. It’s beautiful. It’s the one I picked out.
I should just be ecstatic. But I’m me. “Then what was all that about earlier? With the box and the bracelet and—”
Pinkie coughs, and whispers. “Matilda. You asked me to do one other thing, right?”
Matilda has been too busy staring at the bracelet. “Hmm? Oh, yes. I, uh, asked Pinkie, if she had time that is, to try and pick up… well, see, Doodle, I know how much you like silver. And, well, I was getting tired of waiting for you to get around to it, so I figued I’d have to do it myself, and…”
I kiss her. It’s awkward through the bars, and I know Pinkie and the guard are watching, but I don’t care. She’s the most wonderful creature in the world.
“Marry me, Matilda. I should have asked you years ago. I should have asked you when I met you again. I should have asked you every day of last year.”
She’s crying. “After all I put you through today, you still want an old bat like me?”
"Can't you see I'm nothing without you?" I croak, my hoof shaking. "I know I'm the most miserable creature on four legs. Right now, I probably look worse than that."
"A little, yes." Matilda sniffs.
"But I promise you. If you let make you the happiest in all of Equestria, the rest of for life." I take her hoof into mine, and I know I'm crying but I just don't care. "I'd eat mud."
She's still crying but a smile sneaks through. "Please don't, Cranky. Your kidneys are already in rough shape..."
I snort. “I didn’t actually hear an ans—”
Her hoof mercifully shuts me up. She kisses me on the nose, then slips the gold bracelet onto her leg. "Yes, Cranky. Yes, I will."
And for a moment, nothing else matters. She'll have me. The world is a little brighter.
It takes all of five seconds for Pinkie Pie to muck it up.
"Awwww!" She’s crying into Caramel’s shoulder, sobbing. “I just love happy endings!”
“There there…” Caramel says, awkwardly patting her on the back. “There… there?”
“Officer? Would you mind letting my future husband out of jail?” Matilda is smiling through the tears. “We still have a few hours of Hearts and Hooves day left, and I’d like to have some bourbon chocolates with him.”
I arch an eyebrow. “I’m allowed?”
She winks. “Just a few.”
“Yes! Officer, let my pony go!” Pinkie declares.
Caramel throws up his hooves. “I already told you, Pinkie, drop the charges and I can let him go!”
“Huh? Oh yeah, that. I dropped them like an hour ago.”
There’s a silence that could cut wood in half.
“Didn’t I mention that? I’m pretty sure I did.”
Caramel sighs and unlocks the cell gate. I stare at Pinkie, who’s just standing there with a stupid grin on her face.
You know all those things I said about ponies? I stand by them. All of them. Think they own the world! Play games with other creature’s lives! Don’t even bother to—hey! What the heck is this? Is she hugging me? What the—
“Please take care of yourself, friend.” Pinkie whispers, holding me tight.
And I want to say, why, what do you care?
But before I can, she adds, “This world is better with you in it, Cranky Doodle Donkey.”
An old heart is a stubborn thing. I often say that this whole world can go to tarturus, but for my Matilda.
But on my very short list of creatures worth a damn, on it, I suppose there’s room for at least one pony: Pinkamena Diane Pie.
And if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll deny it up and down.
So shut up.
Everypony shut up!