I'm a Butler. My friends call me Butler. Looking after m'lady can be...challenging, but rewarding. Lately the job's become harder, with m'lady's sister back from the moon. So I decided to hire some help.
"My lady once wrote in her very personal and very secret diary that I have problems appreciating personal space. I beg to differ on that sentiment." - A Butler commenting on Professional Discretion -
I'm a Butler. My friends, the imaginary ones at least, call me Butler. My job, looking after my lady, can be...challenging at times, but rewarding. Lately the job's become a little more difficult, especially after my lady's sister returned from the moon and the parliament decided to try and pass an entire bill just to be able to legally get rid of me. But managing the chaos is part of the job description, even if it means I must secretly become my lady's knight captain of her personal bodyguards in order to keep my job. Though even I could never have anticipated having to train knights cunningly disguised as maids to stay one step ahead of the nobles. Ah, the things I do for my princess.
Featured 9 - 12 August 2014. Many many thanks to everyone who kindly made this possible! You guys have doubled the fun!
Now featuring the editing talents of our resident editor Dumbgamer99. Be sure to thank him by checking out his page and giving him a follow!
Butler tag kindly made by undead003. Many thanks! (You'll find it actually works if you click on it.)
Cover Art: This picture totally contains ninjas. You just can't see them, cause they're that good.
There is an art to polishing gold, particularly when it is in the form of a magical peytral. (For the non-equine amongst you, that's the equivalent of an armoured golden bra made especially for princess ponies). It must gleam enough to suggest its wearer is not a slouch in buffing her own armour, but it must not be too radiant lest it confirms its wearer's vanity. But, more importantly, there is a very subtle finesse to polishing it in such a way so as to produce an entire range of the most annoying squeaks and screeches between the cloth and the gold.
I am glad to say that on that particular morning, between my trusty silk cloth and myself, we managed to hit an entire octave of high notes. I was starting on the second octave when I finally earned myself a satisfying groan from my charge. I flicked an eye up at the ornate mirror hanging before me to surreptitiously gaze upon the figure rebelliously sticking its head under its pillow behind me.
I allowed myself a small smile of triumph as I set the peytral down on its velvet pillow alongside a set of gilded golden horseshoes and a magnificent crown whose radiance alone lit up the entire room. Which was good as the sun had yet to rise, and probably will not rise until I succeed in my daily sun-raising ritual. I turned to regard the royal bedroom behind me, a work of subtle opulence wrought from furniture of finest white spruce and silver marble tiling and masonry. But even the white theme of the room palled in comparison to the perfect white of her majesty, my lady princess Celestia.
Yes, that perfect thing hiding underneath the pristine white sheets, pretending as hard as she can that I'm not here.
"You can narrate your life story somewhere else." A bleary voice mumbled as a hindhoof blindly flailed out for me, too lazy to add any aim to the threat. "Aim can be arranged. Just....give me 5 minutes."
I would open the curtains and have the sunlight wake her up. Except there is no sunlight without her majesty's grace. But I must persevere for the sake of Equestria, her majesty's five hundred million subjects and their summer tan. The Elements of Harmony may have saved the sunrise for one day. Mine is the great labour of saving it daily.
"Ponies don't tan. We bleach. Your hide, on the other hand...." A muffled voice muttered from underneath the big fluffy pillow. "Where's your snooze button? If I hit it hard enough, will you give me 10 minutes?"
"My lady, with all due respect, snooze buttons are wasted upon your prowess. Mainly because your prowess instantly voids the warranties of all known alarm clocks in addition to their very existences. I believe the remains of your last alarm clock is still orbiting the moon as we speak, hence why I'm here in its place. As for myself, I'm afraid my insurance does not cover fluffy white alicorn princesses and their morning upsets." I said, crisply. "Hm, I should probably rectify that, post haste." I added, thoughtfully.
"You havent' seen 'upset'." The voice under the pillow muttered.
"No, my lady, I've seen juvenile tantrums. 'Upset' suggests maturity on the part of the upsetee." I agreed with her. "Now, allow me to tempt you out of bed with my own personal choice of cheeses to go with your whine." I raised a dish cover off a nearby breakfast cart to allow the perfect blend of cheesy aromas to suffuse the room and rouse sleeping appetites. Yes, I annoy the sun into rising every single day. One could even say that each and every sunrise relies upon my utterly insufferable demeanour.
"I hate you." She muttered. Ah, the sweet sound of success.
"I'm sure that's why you hired me." I said, brightly.
"Can I fire you?" She asked, hopeful.
"You tried that yesterday, my lady. And the day before. And the day before that." I said, simply. "And each and every time I would remind you of the last time you successfully and legally terminated my employment and banned me from entering the castle grounds on pain of banishment to my own personal comet. The sun not only rose two hours late due to 'technical difficulties' for four days straight, it rose backwards and almost collided with the moon. We're still auditing the tax misfiling and the resulting economic crisis. The nobility almost succeeded in usurping the throne under the guise of a failed cake audit. And we mysteriously lost the entire castle's supply of cake overnight. Oh, and you gained a lot of wei-..."
"Please don't ever leave, Butler." Her majesty very quickly interrupted me. "Please."
"No other sun goddess has replied to my pleas for job offers, so I'm afraid I'm stuck here for now, my lady." I said, graciously.
A loud growl punctuated our little conversation. I watched as her majesty's alabaster coat turned a soft shade of pink. "It wasn't me." She muttered in fervent denial.
"I'm sure it wasn't, my lady. It must have been the vorpal tatzlwurms I'm trying to breed in the garden." I said, airily. "They've been getting ever so frisky ever since we lost the Discord statue. I do believe they enjoyed using him as a scratch post."
"You still don't approve of me releasing him, do you?" The princess asked, turning onto her front to regard her favourite choice of morning entertainment - me.
"He still hasn't learned to wipe his filthy claws on the welcome mat and leaves choclate paw prints all over my polished marble. So no, my lady, as far as I'm concerned, he's anything but reformed." I remarked with a faint sniff. "Let him try my job for a day. That will sate all his appetite for chaos for all eternity."
"Are you suggesting I hire Discord to take your place?" The Princess giggled, kicking her rearhooves into the air daintily.
"You are most certainly welcome to try." I said with a shrug. "But I am afraid this suit comes in only one size - G for Gentleman." I flashed my princess a solid 1 million bit smile.
"I'm sure he'd at least give me all the cake I wanted." She said, wistfully. "Would you be my little Discord today, Butler?" She pleaded, giving me a pony-squee that could crush planetary cores.
"Do you know what cake would do to you?" I asked while multi-tasking with the princess' morning tea.
"It would make me happy." The princess said with a hopeful note.
There is a side to the princess, a very personal one that is practically a state secret. Not even her ministers and nobles are privy to this highly sensitive information. I am one of few souls charged with taking this secret with me to my grave. That is of course assuming I'm even allowed the respite of death.
I weighed my options and my lady's calorie intake record over the past week in my mind. Then I factored in my own plans for the day and how much it depended on my lady's good mood. Yes, it made sense to keep my lady happy in case she needed reminding about my plans. "Of course, my lady." I said, lifting up a small panic-red dish cover labelled 'Emergency Use Only'. Beneath it was a small slice of cloud cake, my lady's personal favourite.
"Alright, Butler." My lady's voice was suddenly very much alert, awake, almost dangerous. "What are you up to?" She demanded. I felt her brilliant lilac eyes burn the back of my head. It was times like these that I am very acutely reminded of just who it was I served - not just any spoilt little princess, but an alicorn princess, a formidable goddess who moves the sun and entire armies with but a word.
I very quickly gathered myself as best as I could, looking the very picture of professional nonchalance. "Preparing your tea, my lady. And I'm not cutting back on your sugar either, see? Two lumps." I said, innocently, lifting two lumps of sugar in a silver tweezer for her to see.
Her gaze did not waver in its ferocity. "You do not have to play games with me, Butler. I know there's something behind the tasty tasty cake." A little smile played across her face, truly a dangerous place for something as innocent as a smile. Yes, yes, my lady, I must play games with you. My very life depends on it. "So, would you share with me, Butler? What is it you're up to today?"
"Nothing you are not aware of, my lady, I assure you. You've already approved my personal activities for today way ahead of time." I said with my patented innocent smile. Never mind that she was half asleep and plied and distracted with the best cake when she approved of my plans for the day. But I was close, too close, to let her spoil it now. It was now or never, do or die, freedom or gummy bears. And I shall seize the day faster than you can say 'sunbutt'.
A little flare erupted in the air next to me. A neatly rolled up piece of parchment bearing my address upon its seal fell to the floor with a clatter. It was a letter, sent by fire-post.
It was also my death sentence if my lady got her hooves on it. My usual impenetrable mask must have betrayed my panic for my lady's eyes quickly narrowed in suspicion.
"Ah, must be the new catalogue from Quills and Sofas I ordered." I said, smiling brightly, kicking the roll of parchment as hard as I can just as my lady's telekinetic grasp blew a crater in the carpet where it first landed. "Ooops, no worries, my lady, I can pick it up myself." I made a mad dash for it, quickly dribbling the letter out the door with my feet while dancing around my lady's explosive attempts at grabbing my letter with her telekinesis. We left a trail of craters across her carpet as I kicked the letter out into the corridor. It rebounded off the wall opposite the door and into my grasp as I made my escape. But I knew it was only the start of the chase. My lady is not known to be yielding. She once reduced a dark crystal overlord to subharmonic particles, drove the entire empire of Gryphonia into surrender by freezing them under her moon, even stoned the very lord of chaos himself for an entire millenia. Give up on me and my letter? Not a chance.
I could practically feel the powerful beating of alicorn wings, the thunderous footfalls of mountain-crushing hooves, fill the corridor behind me. I ran. She galloped. I barely dodged another telekinetic grab. She galloped on. Another telekinetic grasp missed me and blasted the doors to the royal apartments open. I practically stumbled out the doors.
An entire gallery of royal guards peered at me curiously. A few even raised their eyebrows questioningly at my rather abrupt exit. "Ah, good morning, gentlecolts." I smiled, brightly, straightening up smartly. I fell into a hasty stride, fast enough to seem busy, but not so fast so as to arouse undue suspicion. "Just making way for my lady." I said, gesturing behind me. Sure enough, my lady trotted out after me, in a prim and proper trot, fast enough to seem the vigorous monarch, but not so fast so as to seem swept off her hooves.
"Good morning, my little ponies." She nodded at them all, smiling beatifically, as she trotted rapidly after me, hastily-thrown-on white bathrobe billowing through the air in her wake. "Keep up the good work."
"Ma'am." The guards responded as one, saluting. We smiled and nodded as we strolled past.
My lady slowly gained on me. I began power-walking for the nearest corner, readying myself for another sprint. She seemed to anticipate that as she trotted even faster, intent on cutting me off.
"Ah, my lady, please, no need to hurry yourself so. The state will not descend into anarchy should you decide to pace yourself this beautiful morning." I hissed through gritted teeth.
"I am fine, butler. T'is too fine a morning to dally. In fact, why don't you walk with me. It would do you much good." She suggested with an edged smile.
"Oh, you're too, too kind, my lady. But I insist on doing my appointed task and making way for you." I shot back with a smile.
We rounded the corner, away from the guard's eyes.
I blasted into a sprint that would leave Equestrian game sprinters choking on my dust. My lady's wings flared wide, throwing off her bathrobe as she leapt after me. As the very avatar of my doom loomed up behind me I found my next escape - the solaria, my lady's usual sun-raising observatory. I skidded in through the beautifully gilded pillars marking its entrance. To my great relief it was already full of court nobles, intent on watching my lady raise the sun, all while not wasting even a moment to schmooze up to her.
"Presenting, her most royal majesty, Princess Celestia." I announced, settling into another swift stride. I quickly moved into the crowd which, unfortunately, parted for me and the princess I was 'leading'.
"Oh, a very good morning to you all, my little ponies." The princess beamed at her noble subjects as she settled into a more sedate trot behind me. "Oh, yes, you're here for the sun, are you not?" She waved her horn, lighting it up with her usual bright golden glow. With a light tug she coaxed the sun over the horizon to the oohs and aaahs of her nobles, all without losing a single iota of speed.
"Now my lady shall hold a very special morning court session just for those of you who have so very kindly come to witness her great majesty and yet another of her masterpieces light our sky." I announced, rushing as casually as I dared towards the exit. The nobles were quick to perk up their ears at this, swarming about my lady like bees to honey.
"Yes, yes, of course." My lady trilled, goodnaturedly, "As soon as I have a quick word with my dear butler." She dropped the inflection at the end of the sentence, almost suggesting it would not be the last thing to be dropped that morning. She quickly pushed through the crowd, right on my heels.
As I reached the exit I made yet another dash, this time down a winding set of stairs. But this time my lady seemed ready for me. Without missing a beat she soared off the top of the stairs. I felt her powerful wing beats disturb the very air around me. I could hear her swoop down from on high like a deadly bird of prey. And before I knew it she had crushed me flat into a landing. I slammed hard into the ground, my grip on my letter lost. It flew out of my hand and down the steps below.
With yet another powerful beat of her wings she leapt off me and into the air, swooping down for my letter, for the kill. With a telekinetic grip that crushed the aged marble underneath the letter, she pulled her prize up into the air.
Then, landing lightly at the foot of the stairs, she paused to aim a little smirk of triumph at me.
I gulped.
She tossed the seal off my letter and unrolled the piece of parchment. Her eyes quickly studied it. Slowly, they widened.
Her next few words were my death sentence in all but name. "So, Butler, who are Lightning Dust, Minuette, Cloud Chaser, June Bug, Ditzy Doo, Lyra Heartstrings, Octavia Philharmonica, Flitter, Rain Drops, Apple Shine, Coco Pommel, Eclair Creme, Grace Hoofworth, Golden Harvest....all these mares?" She demanded, eyes narrowing like the very gates of Tartarus itself upon my coffin.
"Uh, would you believe me if I told you some of them may possibly be your future maids?" I ventured, hopeful. "Oh, please, my lady, not the pout. Please! By all that is cute, adorable and pony, NOT THE POUT!"
Like the grandeur of the sun itself, my lady's perfection is a universal absolute. Even her pout is a work of effortless flawlessness, everything from how she puckers up her lips to how she blows up her cheeks to full. It called to mind mighty red giants, gathering mass and preparing to go supernova before becoming a concentration of adorable so dense not a single heart can escape. Certainly a force of nature unto itself.
"You can stop narrating my pout now." She muttered as she strode ahead of me back up the stairs. "And I'm not pouting by the way." She denied, but all too late. The pout was done. "There's a fine line between love and hate, Butler. You're standing on it." She added, with a hint of threat, turning to face me at the top of the stairs.
"I'm only standing? I have done you a disservice then, my lady. I should pick up my pace." I said with a disarming smile. "Could you please not point your horn at me, my lady? I find it highly distracting." I said. "Not the pout either." I added.
"I am not pouting." She managed to pout even more. "I am not!" It was a pout that defied the laws of physics, for she somehow managed to talk while maintaining it in all its magnificent adorabubble glory. "I remind you that I currently hold evidence of high treason. And no amount of playful teasing on your part will get you out of this one." She said, waving my letter in her golden telekinetic grasp in a bid to regain power over the situation. "The only reason you are not on your way to the moon right now is because...." Her stomach gave a very loud, almost unladylike growl, as if completing her sentence for her. Almost unladylike. Almost. Her blush, on the other hand, was a brush stroke of Da Vinci. "Stop narrating my stomach! Or my blush!" She cried, pouting all the more. She is beyond adorable now. "Uuuuuuu! Butler!" She wailed, stomping her forehooves helplessly.
I allowed myself a moment to contemplate how wonderfully cute my lady is at her expense. "Let us see about your stomach so I can be on my way to the moon then." I said, simply, reaching out for the door back to the Solaria. "Blush under control? Pouting done?" I ran through the public appearance checklist.
"One moment. One more." She aimed one last really furiously endearing pout at me. Then, in one swift magical transformation, she was the tall, proud serene regent of the sun. "You may carry on, Butler." She waved an imperious hoof at me.
I did one last check of my own. Hmm, passably perfect. But I need to get her armour on. Maybe brush her mane and tail. Maybe rub some of that new Flaxseed and Wheat's New Age gentle fur cream in. And a hooficure. Definitely a hooficure.
"Butler..." She gave a little hiss, blush softly making a stealthy comeback. "Not even all that will earn you my forgiveness."
I smiled. "Yes, my lady. I can only threaten to try harder then." I pulled the heavy double doors to the Solaria open.
I had to resist a strong urge to slam it shut again.
Instead I opted to surreptitiously slide myself out of view, like the butler I am. With luck I might avoid being spotted by...
"Ahah, your majesty, Auntie! You have returned!" The loud boisterous voice of his capital-eminence, prince Blueblood, assailed my unprepared ear drums. "We were just discussing you."
"Indeed, Blueblood?" My lady feigned polite interest, if only to avoid the reflex look of disgust at seeing her pompous nephew who seemed to have made himself the new center of attention in the room. "Pray, share."
The unicorn stallion positively glowed at his royal aunt's attention. "Our fellow nobleponies were just complimenting my butler, High Horse, and his housekeeping team." He waved a hoof at the young cream-coloured stallion sporting a swept-back silver mane standing at the head of a small army of maids. "We all agree he has managed to put together a team fit for royalty." He said to the murmurs and nods of assent of the gathered nobles. "The topic couldn't help but gravitate towards yourself, Auntie, like all good conversations do." His eyes narrowed as his gaze slowly turned towards the figure standing quietly in my lady's shadow, me. "A noble's worth is measured by the company he keeps and the talents he holds on retainer."
"No ruler could hope to measure yours then, your highness." I said, primly, "Considering how much you are over-compensating."
"Why, thank you. You have better eyes than I give you credit for, at least." Blueblood nodded at me. I like him. So little gets through his pride-filter that I could probably tell him his mane is a duck and he'd thank me for the compliment.
The rather overt insult did not go unnoticed by his butler, however. High Horse did not glare at me. He simply gave me an idle glance, as if trying to decide where he should bury me after he's done with me. High Horse was a real butler, the kind that gave weight to the saying 'The butler did it.' He is competent, shrewd, cunning, already a murder suspect even in the absence of any bodies. But above all, truly compensating for his master's boundless incompetence. But he would trade Blueblood for my lady in a heartbeat. Except the heartbeat in question is mine. I'm in his way, and he made no effort to disguise just how he felt about the fact.
"We, and by 'we' I mean the court..." Blueblood gestured at his fellow nobleponies. He was as courageous as any noble, in that they took refuge in numbers and collective snootiness. "....couldn't help but notice you only have one...err...thing on retainer." He gave me a pitying look. I ignored it by imagining how well his horn would fit where My lady doesn't shine. "And some things are simply not a good reflection of our fair kingdom and its people."
"Our butler serves Us well." My lady said, in a tone as final as a tombstone. She had no need for the Royal Canterlot voice. She projects the immensity of her presence into her voice in such a manner that so few words can carry the weight of an entire speech.
High Horse was quick to come to his master's rescue."Your choice of retainer is a reflection of your own astute wisdom and surely a most generous gesture of trust towards our new neighbours on earth." He smoothed over glibly. "The court only expresses that there is room for Equestrian representation in your retinue. This is especially the case with the diplomatic missions you are about to embark on. It is important to give the right impressions after all."
Blueblood quickly rallied behind his butler's cavalry. Before High Horse could interrupt him he had launched into yet another suicidal charge. "Some even suggest High Horse and my own housekeeping team would make a retinue fitting of yourself and Auntie Luna, Auntie. We're even looking to formalize it in court in six months time."
The other nobles were quick to step away from the potential blast zone, afraid of becoming collateral damage. High Horse's expression was priceless. I could see how much he wished he could shove a hoof in his own face, if not Blueblood's. Though to be honest Blueblood was already doing a good job of that all by himself. I am firm in my belief that he only opens his mouth to change hooves.
"Is that so?" My lady said, in a tone about as impassive as an idle guillotine.
"Yes, the review is teed up for the agenda. Six months should be more than enough time for...er...'him' to find himself a new kennel back on Earth." Blueblood said, proudly, taking the lack of rejection as encouragement. "But off course, if you wish to have the team right now, you are more than free to..."
"Prince Blueblood." My lady said, stiffly, with a gaze that could freeze stars. It did anything but freeze Blueblood's bladder, however. "The next time I wish for your opinion on anything, let alone the running of my household, I will invite you to speak." Her tone was as chilly as dead stars.
"Th-th-then, y-you a-agree...?" Blueblood squeaked, before High Horse quickly pulled him behind himself, subtly but firmly. About time. Blueblood's wit was only sharp enough to hurt himself. Otherwise it was about as sharp and existent as his testicles.
"We understand, my lady." High Horse gave my lady a low bow.
"Come with me, Butler." My lady said, firmly, as she stormed away back towards her royal apartments.
"Yes, my lady." I avoided Blueblood and High Horses' fiery gazes as best as I could as I strode out of the room on my lady's heels.
We walked back through the empty corridors in tense silence. The strain on the air was so palpable you could probably cut it.
"Come in." She commanded as we reached her room, leaving no room for disagreement. She quickly shut the door behind me. The lock was secured with a resounding click that sounded far more deadly than any bit of metal had any right to be. Then, with a flourish of her horn, she cast her own trademark soundproofing spell on the walls. The golden equine skull and crossbone symbols floating about all four walls were quite telling. "Is this it, Butler?" She demanded, rounding on me. "Is this what it's about?"
I sighed, looking the very picture of apologetic guilt. "Very well, my lady, I admit it. I stole the cookie jar you stole from the kitchen."
"That's not what I'm talking abou-..." She paused as she processed my words. "You stole my....from my....you know how hard it was to....never mind. But we will talk about the cookies later, Butler."
My tactical distraction failed.
"You're not hiring a team. You're thinking of hiring your replacement." She glared at me accusingly.
I gave her a long look. Yes, there was no escaping this. "No blown ambition doth my arms incite, but love dear love and my dear lady's right." I said in answer.
"I do not find deliberate misquotations on Shakespeare's Macbeth endearing, Butler." She said, impatiently. Still, I know she enjoys a moment to show off her encyclopaedic knowledge of human culture. "No I don't. And you know what happened to Cordelia." She gave me an edged look.
"Death by royalty." I said, waving aside her threat airily. "My lady, as much as I enjoy providing you with a much deserved challenge day by day, the unfortunate fact remains that your nephew is, for once, right. You are a pony princess. You need pony servants. It is only a matter of time before the court decides to take matters into its own hands. And rather than allow your nephew to install his butler and his team, I wished to at least leave you with your own." I allowed myself a dour look. "Looks like he's moving faster than I expected. I'd barely be able to train them how to raise their eyebrows and make well-placed witty remarks in that time, let alone how to be as splendid as me."
"You don't know how lucky we are that Blueblood in his infantile idiocy decided to reveal his plan prematurely. You realize there's more at stake here." My lady said, with a note of urgency. "You feed me, bathe me, keep my cookie jar, manage all the court proceedings, file all the documents and bills, oversee the household finances, filter my correspondence, write all my letters to Twilight, everything! Can you imagine what Blueblood and the nobles could do if he manages to install his own lackey in your place?"
"I didn't want to even entertain the possibility, my lady." I said, sourly, "But he would essentially take over your sweets supply. Oh, and your government as well as her majesty Princess Twilight Sparkle. The latter would be the equivalent of acquiring a tactical weapon of mass destruction."
"And you were going to try and prevent this legal coup d'etat alone with that half-baked maid-to-fail plan of yours?" She demanded.
"Very nice pun, my lady." I gave her a nod of approval.
"Thank you." My lady said, graciously. "Well, Butler?"
"The fact remains, my lady. Your laws stipulate that the court can choose to remove any member of staff deemed unfit to serve you." I said, simply. "One of the older loopholes created by Smart Cookie in order to fire Chancellor Puddinghead's court jester. Arguably by that point the damage was already done, might I add."
"Confound that Smart Cookie." My lady swore. "Confound court jesters. Yes, it is as you say." She muttered, before becoming rather quiet. I could practically see the gears whirring like turbines inside the magnificent mind behind her fearsome lilac eyes. This was the mighty princess Celestia at work, moving chess pieces across entire worlds. And sometimes some ponies simply needed reminding of this fact, that the benevolent, ever-smiling and gentle princess Celestia is a goddess of a gigantic blazing inferno that burns the very abyss of space. I could tell that the next moment she spoke she would have a plan to do just that.
"They can fire anypony in my retinue, true." She said, "Unfortunately the clause includes all possible races. Smart Cookie was a little too smart for her own good."
"Rather, they couldn't make up their minds what race the court jester was." I shrugged. "So they made the law all-inclusive."
"But there are two they cannot remove by law." A smile played across her lips, risking being run over by her unstoppable drive. "My prince and the knight commander of my personal guard."
"Good for them." I said.
"You'll note I have neither. Not since...." My lady tapped a hoof on her chin thoughtfully. "...never. They are in the laws and statutes but we've never had need to draw on them. Until now." She nodded at me.
"I can see why you wouldn't like them to be able to fire your boyfriend, considering how young you are." I said with a smile. I watched her stare blankly at the plate of cheeses, a soft blush forming on her cheeks for some reason. 'Boyfriend', I heard her murmur, softly. "Coltfriend, I meant." I corrected myself, smoothly.
"Oh? Yes, off course." She cleared her throat quickly. "The solution is simple. Butler, I hereby appoint you my..."
"Prince?" I suggested, playfully.
"What? N-no! Absolutely not! I mean not ye-....Ah, pardon me." She squeaked, blush quickly reforming. Huh? That was an odd reaction. "I mean, nice try. You may come back when you're older, child." She said, sounding more like the princess Celestia I know.
"Pity. I've been brushing up on looking down too." I sighed in mock-melancholy. "I suppose I get to at least banish people onto asteroids as your knight commander?"
"Yes, quite." My lady quickly regained her composure, though why she lost it in the first place was beyond me. "Now, listen, this is important. You must have at least one standing squad of knights by the court meeting in six months if this plan is to work." She said, with a hint of urgency. "Of passable competence, might I add."
"I'm sure his majesty Shining Armour would not miss a few guards." I said. "They all look exactly the same after all."
My lady seemed thoughtful at this. "The knights must be recruited and trained in secret." My lady added. "If one soul hears of this plan, Blueblood will be sure to act. Worst case scenario he might bring the meeting agenda forwards."
"Uh...so I need to train ninjas then?" I blinked. This was becoming a mission impossible ridiculously fast. I was already seeing myself accosting random ponies on the street and furtively asking them, 'Hey, do you want to be a ninja?'.
"The maids you will be hiring today." My lady said, simply.
"You are suggesting I train ninja maids?" I ventured, seemingly unable to simply accept such an absurd plan.
"Ninja maid knights." That familiar mischievous smile returned with a vengeance. "Do it, Butler."
I sighed. My lady was in her happy plotting zone. There's no stopping her now. "You command, my princess." I said, kneeling before her, raising her forehoof up in both my hands. "And your knight obeys." I gave her hoof a playful peck on her forehoof.
It may be a trick of the sunrise trickling in through the window, but did her blush just blossom further? "Acceptable." She said, clearing her throat. "During the day you will train your maids." She quickly said, gesturing for me to rise with a wave of a hoof. "During the night I will train you in the ways of a knight. Within six months they will be acceptable maid knight guards and you, Butler, a Knight Commander par excellence." My lady decided with a firm nod.
"That means I can have the list of interviewees back?" I said, hopeful, pointing at the list still hovering idly in my lady's telekinetic grasp, almost entirely forgotten.
A strange look overcame my lady, somewhere between sudden doubt and annoyance. She glared at the list, as if it had mortally offended her. "The maids must not be too pretty." She suddenly huffed.
I blinked. "Pardon me, my lady. Did I hear you correctly? You said..."
"They cannot be too pretty." She repeated, irritably. "They must look like knights after all."
"I see." I nodded. I didn't, really, but my lady's look seemed to threaten something worse than an alicorn pile if I were to say otherwise. "While I will have to consult my imagination on what exactly a knight should look like under the tin helmet, I shall at least endeavour to select ninja maid knights of the not-too-pretty variety. On a scale of Blueblood to yourself, my lady, I shall aim for ponies in the region of the common hydra, if that suits you."
My lady gave me a long, sceptical, almost pained look. "Butler, cancel all my plans for today." She finally decided. "I am coming with you to the interview."
My day just became very, very interesting.
But while my lady was busy wrestling with the minutiae of her intricate plan, I was left with a conundrum of my own. It wasn't until much later that I found somebody had stealthily snuck in and eaten half of my lady's emergency cake. Not only that, judging by the midnight blue hairs strewn all over the bottom of the cart, whoever it was had hidden underneath the breakfast cart while stealing a chunk out of my lady's weekly calory allowance. Moreover, the culprit had stopped halfway through the cake. Halfway!Nobody stops halfway through one of my own signature cloud cakes. I shall simply have to find this cake thief and teach him or her to wipe my plates clean. With their face, if I have to.
By some measures, I may be ruthless. Some may even call me cruel, evil, diabolical, heartless and, sometimes, a meanie mean pants. I generously call it babysitting. And unlike most babysitters, my terms are often negotiable, if admittedly steeper than the devil's. "Very well, my lady." I said. "You may come with me later today....if you eat all your tomatoes." I raised the dish cover on her morning salad, revealing a veritable forest of lettuce and rose petals hiding many of my sweet succulent red landmines. It just so happened that my tomato planters bore fruit to the most exquisite harvest of baby tomatoes the day before. I have thus gathered an entire icebox full of ammunition, much to my lady's summer dread.
I watched as my lady made like a tomato and turned from a soft shade of green to a healthy rosy red. Her majesty is a creature of whimsical urges and impetuous impulses. Of course, she doesn't always act on all of them. Half the time this is because they are, in fact, impossible, even for an all-powerful alicorn princess - things like attempting to replace her parliament with five year old foals or eating one hundred jammy donuts all at once. The other half is because of me. I don't always have to bring out my trump card - my voice of reason. Often a simple test of willpower is enough, such as a my tomato salad to end all tomato salads.
To my great surprise, my lady's willpower proved the victor that day. "Butler, bring me a pitchfork. And some hot tea, lots of sugar." She commanded, her expression one of determined resignation like a gentleman in a public toilet stall facing a near future devoid of toilet paper.
"Right away, my lady." I said, offering her a fork on a napkin. I was even more impressed by the tenacity with which she attacked the salad. So complete was the devastation she laid upon my salad that I had no choice but to finally grant her the terms.
Sometimes I feel quite proud of my adorable little princess Celestia. "Only sometimes?" She raised a perfect eyebrow, glaring at me vengefully all the while.
"When some lapse of sanity strikes me, yes." I replied, airily, watching her empty the entire sugar bowl into her tea cup. Ah, how careless of me, leaving that sugar bowl by her side, with exactly two teaspoonfuls of sugar left inside no less, measured to the last grain.
"I would offer you some tea to have with that sugar." I said, kindly. "But I feel compelled to make the humble observation that that might a tad too much sugar."
"There is no such thing. Especially after such cruel and unusual torment." She muttered, stirring her cup vindictively. "Oh, and I hate you."
"I love you too, m'lady." I said with a smile. She suddenly spurt her tea all over her breakfast, choking and coughing for air. "And there is now such a thing as 'too much sugar'." I added, bringing her napkin to the rescue.
About two hours into the morning found me quietly stalking the corridors of the royal apartments, half-eaten plate of now-weaponized cloud cake in hand, in search of my daring cake thief. In my experience the culprit always returns to the scene of the crime, especially when it comes to my cakes, often pleading for forgiveness and mercy in the form of a second helping. I am usually quite generous, and nobody ever leaves me wanting. Ever again.
"Thou shalt not passsssssss." A soft voice accosted me in my pursuit of sweet justice. I paused in my tracks, if only because the voice's owner belongs elsewhere, specifically in her bed. And it is my job to ensure that, or so help me sunbutt.
"Luna, did you get lost on your way to your bed again?" I asked the corridor in general. Considering I left her at her dining table in her room, a stride away from her bed....Yes, that was much too far. I smacked myself mentally for my careless oversight. I have failed as a babysitter.
"We art taking the scenic route there." She said, loud enough for me to finally find her clinging upside down to the ceiling like a big, rather shapely blue raindrop. "And what a view." A wide upside down grin bloomed beneath her starry midnight mane. "Pocahontas!" She suddenly cried. Without any warning, save the random cry, she whirled off the ceiling and allowed gravity to do its work.
I promptly stepped back, safely away from her calculated landing zone.
With absolute elegance she landed on all four hooves on the floor before me. Though the same cannot be said of her expression. "Thou didn't catcheth Us!" She complained. "We could've been smushed mercilessly by Our nemesis, yonder ground!" She stomped a hoof at said nemesis.
"I had faith in you." I smiled, sincerely. Of course, I was certain in my knowledge that it was safe. Otherwise the ceiling would have long been transformed into a giant fly trap with EverStick™ super glue.
"That is more than can be said about Us and thee." Luna huffed.
"You're not a filly anymore, Luna." I chided, amicably.
"I am as young as the company I keep." She waved a forehoof dismissively.
I made a show of looking around the empty corridor. "So, not at all?" I ventured.
"So what are thee, chopped liver?" She rolled her eyes.
"The joke is in the question." I smiled. "I am otherwise incandescent." I said, narrowing my gaze just enough to tell her I mean business. "You should be asleep, Luna." I gave her a reproachful eye.
"Sleep is for the weak." She scoffed. "Real stallions drink coffee."
By all that is adorable and pony, did she just....? I caught a whiff of deadlines and heart attacks in her breath. Yes, she did. She had coffee. And from the smell of it, not just one, but enough to fuel an entire month of movie night marathons.
Alright, calm down. Don't make the caffeine do anything it might regret. First, establish level of residual identity and reasoning. "Luna, first of all, you're a mare. An alicorn princess who moves planetary bodies, tides and assorted lunatics, but a mare nonetheless. Second of all, we have had not one, not two, but a very embarrassing number of very lengthy discussion on what caffeine does to you."
"We agreed it gives Us wings. And it makes Us invincible." Luna asserted.
Excellent. identity and reason down the drain. I only just then began to appreciate just how manic and twitchy her smile was. And the mildly frazzled mane was likely not bed hair, come to think of it.
"No, I recall we agreed you already have wings." I pointed out, doing my best to re-establish some semblance of logic. "As for the invincible detail..."
"We hath yet to test that hypothesis." Her look suggested she would go take on a hydra or Angel Bunny to do just that.
I debated with myself on how best to talk to the caffeine without causing it to explode all at once. I should probably just keep it talking for now. "There is only one repository of caffeine in this entire palace, Luna. Did you just....?"
"Break into thy room?" She completed my sentence for me. "Please. We art above such pettiness. We approve of thine wardrobe of unmentionables, by the way."
And that was without the caffeine. Discord knows what she would do with it. I voiced my concerns as carefully as I could. "With all due respect, Luna, caffeine has the tendency to bring out the...unpredictable in you."
"Unpredictable?" She laughed. "We art the Moon! We art the very measure of predictabilililility. Now bring Us Our shoes, Our lunchbox, perhaps the armoured bra and some of thy choice bubblewrap!" The very measure of predictability demanded.
And this is why I need help, ninja maid knights notwithstanding. "Having an...all-dayer, Luna?" I asked, giving the caffeine the respect it deserves. "What do you have in mind? I'll be the judge of whether or not it justifies you being out of bed at this hour, young lady." I carefully asserted authority too. A shot in the dark, but I would take any port in this poo storm.
"What else? We art going with thee this fine afternoon to hunt thee these ninja maid knights thou seekest." She said, as if it was as obvious as going to the grocers for some bread and butter. "We look forwards to seeing for Ourselves what manner of trader at the market deals in ninja maid knights." She said, confirming my suspicion. "We foresee a pony of secrecy, elegance and danger in equal measure."
My imagination entertained the image for just a moment. For some reason all it managed to summon up was some variation on pirates.
Right, I can fix her world view later. Nothing tightening a few loose screws can't fix. More importantly, how did she hear about that?
Ah.
I think I found my cloud cake thief.
"So, Luna." I said, putting on my best smile. "How, pray tell, did you manage to listen in on our conversation?" Through my lady's most intricate anti-eavesdropping spell no less.
"The moon hears everything, sees everything, knows everything." She didn't even try to deny it.
I glanced at the nearest window. "It's daylight." I observed.
There was a pause. "....Everything." She repeated, smile turning a few degrees more manic around the edges.
"The cake was good, was it?" I asked, casually.
She tapped a hoof on her chin thoughtfully at this. "Not as sugary and creamy as thy usual fare, and a little thick on the rum..." She noticed my look, "It was delicious and moist. Thank you, Butler." She quickly said, at least looking sheepish. "Um, s-sowwy, Butler." She added in a little squeak, visibly shrinking under my withering look. "P-pwease, don't hate me." She whimpered under my siege, pressing herself into the floor. "W-woona will do anything!" She pleaded for her life as she curled up into a little ball.
Well, she apologized. And she at least looked repentant. "And the coffee?" I demanded, for good measure.
"I-I shalt be good henceforth! I shan't steal thy coffee from thine unmentionables wardrobe anytime soon!" She squeaked in apology. I noticed the glaring loopholes she left in her apology, but it was acceptable, for the time being.
I sighed. It's difficult to be stern with the all-too-adorable Luna. I knelt down and patter her gently on her mane. "Take the rest to your room and finish it." I said, handing her the half-eaten cake.
Her lips quivered at the gesture. "B-B-Butler....T-thank you!" She gave me a watery-eyed look of gratitude as she took the cake in her telekinetic grasp. She aimed her big, pearly puppy-dog eyes up at me. "So, can Woona come with you today? Pweaaaase?" She suddenly pleaded, giving me the most beseeching smile, throwing in her best pony-squee for good measure.
Check and mate. It was a trap! The perfect ruse! And I was helplessly caught in her ruthless wiles! But I would resist! I would be resilient! I would be stout of heart and iron of will!
"Y-Yes." I choked.
Do not judge me. It was either give in or have my heart explode and give in anyway. I was being pragmatic in choosing the lesser of two evils. That is all. Damn it.
"Excellent." She was back up on her hooves like a shot, cake in telekinetic grasp, smug smile of triumph on her face. "Now, come with Us. Thou can helpest Us with Our adornments for the day." She trilled, trotting off ahead of me while savouring a bite out of her spoils of war.
This is what makes Luna the more dangerous of the two. Unlike her sister, she is fully aware of how adorable she is, and is not afraid to use it against me. I could only sigh in defeat as I followed after her towards her room.
She led the way into her room down the corridor from her sister's. "Do come in." She said, waving a forehoof at me invitingly. To my relief it was in no worse a state than it was earlier that morning. It was still littered with every manner of human world gadgetry and techno-junk conceivable. Though the television set and ancient betamax player I had been forced to wire and set up in one corner of her room was on. Why betamax? Do not ask me. Around it a selection of tapes from the human world was piled precariously high.
'Human world'. It almost sounds like I'm referring to it as some alien realm now. The irony.
I had to fight down the urge to clean up the room, perhaps make use of some floral spray and a firebomb or two. Luna insisted there was order in her chaos. If I didn't know any better, I'd think Discord had possessed her. But I do know better, in that there are some minds too obsessively chaotic for even the likes of Discord to bear.
I walked past what looked like a dissected toaster, its stripped parts organized in order of size on the floor beside its remains. The sight was almost chilling.
The door slammed shut amidst my ruminations before locking with a resounding click. Why do all the doors in this apartment sound so deadly? A light blue glow enveloped the walls, coating it in ethereal hearts and crossbones. "An upgrade on Tia's spell." Luna said with a smug smile.
"Does it do anything about stowaways in food carts?" I asked, offhandedly.
"Err...no. But there is a distinct lack of food carts, so We believe we're safe." Luna said, turning to me. "Now, on to business. Straight to the point, We hereby dub thee Our very own Knight Commander."
I stood, transfixed, like a pony in the headlamps. "Well, that was indeed straight to the point." I managed, hoarsely. "You mean, I am to become Knight Commander to both of you?" I had to be clear. Because if this meant I had to train double the number of ninja maid knights, well, as they say in Dodge Junction, buck me.
"Technically, she hasn't yet appointed you." Luna pointed out with undisguised glee. "So We art first. For once, she gets to have the hand-me-down. Hahah!" She declared, smugly.
"Wait, she..." I blinked. Luna was right. I had interrupted my lady with my quip before she could properly appoint me. My appointment by her is, essentially, only implied. Luna's exultant smile threatened to tan my face.
"Teehee, We win! We win!" Luna did a little jig with her hooves. "But let it not be said that the great Luna is not benevolent and generous beyond measure, especially towards Our Tia. We shall share thee, more or less equally. And thou get to have double the fun! Lucky!" She said, graciously. "But We were first." She added with a smug hiss.
"Thank you for sharing me, Luna. You are too kind." I said, deadpan. "Alright, the impossibility of me being Knight Captain to both of you aside, surely there is a deeper reason than fighting over your toys?" I asked. "A reason that isn't caffeine in nature, hopefully?"
"Of course." Luna nodded, turning serious. "As you know We art due to finally resume Our place in the Equestrian court."
"Yes, of course. That was a very wide throne I had to dust off." I quipped.
"Hush with thee!" She waved a hoof at me, aiming to bop me on the head. I neatly sidestepped her attempt. "Now, the official commencement of the court of the night begins in exactly six months. Coincidence?"
I frowned. "You mean he's aiming for you too?" I asked, slowly considering exercising my murder rights as butler.
"Either both of us, Tia and I, art his targets. Or We alone art his insurance should the plan in supplanting you fail." She nodded, grimly. She took the fact that she is second to my lady in good stride, going so far so as to fully support her sister in her role. My lady could not ask for a better sister....except when it comes to fighting over their toys.
Buck me twice.
"We surmise that should he fail in supplanting you, he may aim to position his staff under Us and thusly assume control of the night court." Luna said. "Painful as it is for Us to admit, without thee, we art only slightly less useless than dear Tia. With an entirely new court, it would be so very easy for him and his lackeys to quickly gain influence."
"Not that I'm unwilling, but isn't it safer to have a butler of your own?" I asked. Cover all the bases and all that.
"Behind every princess, or two, there is an option - a butler or a butler." Luna said, playful smile returning. "As long as thou art capable, one chief of staff between the two of us shall suffice."
"As long as I'm capable, huh?" I echoed, hollowly.
"Think about it, Butler. Is there a single pony We could trust at this point?" Luna pointed out. "Recall why it has taken Us so long to reenter Equestrian politics. We art practically still a criminal in the eyes of Our ponies. We hath no friends to speak of, Butler." She said, suddenly looking downcast.
"That's not true, Luna." I quickly knelt before her, placing a comforting hand on her mane. I peered into her watery eyes, giving her a firm look. "That's not true. You have friends." I said, sternly. "Need I list them for you?"
"Fine, fine." Luna sighed, quickly blinking her eyes as she looked away. "But We cannot ask the Elements to be Our butler now, can We?" She raised an eyebrow sideways at me. "Tia's hand-me-down friends." I heard her mutter, almost indistinctly.
"Good point." For a moment I entertained the image of that charming Fluttershy being conscripted into being Luna's butler. I couldn't help but chuckle inwardly at the thought.
Luna cleared her throat. "We need thee as Knight Captain as well, lest they use the argument that said capacity is not catered for in Our case and attempt to install that lackey as Our knight captain instead." Luna explained. Even without a court to call her own yet, Luna was already proving herself a political mastermind, thinking a few steps ahead of even my lady. "We cannot allow them to use the argument that thou hath not prepared enough ninja maid knights for Our protection either."
My worst fears were confirmed. Yes, a double order of ninja maid knights, please. With extra secrecy, elegance and danger please. This can only go well.
"I feel so miserable without Blueblood." I sighed. "It's almost like having him here."
"We hath always warned Tia of the dangers of having blood so close to the throne. This is a long time coming." Luna nodded, dourly. "Still, We must admit, this is a rather sudden show of testicular fortitude on Blueblood's part. Are you not curious why it seems he hath grown a pair so very suddenly?"
"I always just assumed he forgets to put them on in the morning." I shrugged. "Did they come included in the box with High Horse?"
"In a way." Luna nodded. "Think of a recent current event, Butler."
"Considering 'current' for you is measured in centuries..." I began.
"Says you." She giggled. "But with how stagnant Equestria is, everything is." She added. "Come now, less teasing, more thinking." She chided.
She seemed to be hinting at something. I decided to at least give it some effort for her. "The portal to the human world." I said, finally. "This is about my lady's closed doors policy?" I raised an eyebrow. After the large portal to the human world was opened up at Neighara Falls a year prior, my lady had very carefully limited passage between the two worlds, building fortified gate cities on both sides. At the time trade was limited to natural resources and some approved products. Her wariness in allowing open traffic between the two worlds had attracted much criticism, even earning her policy the monicker 'The Closed Door Policy'.
"Exactly." Luna nodded. "They hath been trying to sneak the bill to open the borders past Tia for her-glorious-sunny-flanks knows how long. And a certain somepony has been, ah, what's the word? Yes, cockblocking their every move."
"Me." I scoffed.
"I must admit, thou hast a certain talent for it." Luna grinned.
"Why, thank you. You're too kind, Luna." I grinned in reply. "But, really, all I do is bring my lady the paperwork." I shrugged. It is, to a certain extent, true. In between commissioning heroines to save Equestria and inspecting its sugar supply, my lady is much too busy to inspect the miles of red tape that comes out of the endless bowels of the government. So it falls to me to carefully comb through the bureaucratic cereal box in search of the more important surprises and bring them to my lady's attention.
"Your efforts have stopped the bill from ever seeing light time and time again." Luna said. "There are...hah...certain parties who think they would benefit from an open border policy."
"You are saying Blueblood wants to open the borders?" I massaged my temples at this. "He has all the racial tolerance of the cutie pox. You know how much he approves of me."
"He would work with anything, even the cutie pox, if they promised him their help and support in acquiring the throne." Luna said, simply. "No offense meant."
"None taken." I shrugged. "So you are suggesting his 'testicular fortitude', as you put it, is fueled by his new human friends who would help him in exchange for an open border policy?"
"I hath no proof of the crime, but I know our nephew well enough." Luna said. "Otherwise I would have the insolent fool for high treason!"
"And I suppose there's no way to dismiss him from court." I said, thoughtful.
"His position in the court is surprisingly strong. He hath no enemies to speak of. Being royalty helps." Luna rolled her eyes. "Though he is intensely disliked by his 'friends'." Luna seemed thoughtful for a moment. "Even if we do remove him, We are sure there are others behind him. Maybe even thy kin in disguise."
"Disguised as ponies?" I raised an eyebrow. "You give us too much credit. We're not exactly changelings."
"Ah, yes, thy arrival in Equestria was by other means, We recall." Luna nodded. "But before the big portal in Neighara Falls, the primary contact between our two worlds was through the magic moon mirror."
"Ah, yes, the creepy one that transforms one from human to pony and vice versa." I said. "So you think someone has slipped through?"
"The gate in that statue in the human world has become known to thy kin. So while Tia and We hath taken steps to prevent it, the possibility remains - that somepony may hath made it through. Even now he or she may be lying in wait amongst us." Luna said.
For some reason my mind went straight to High Horse. If he was, in fact, human, he was good enough not to show any hints. Come to think of it, if there had been any difference for him, it could only have been an improvement.
"I'll keep my eyes open." I said. "I won't let anyone get in the way of either you or my lady. My lady is holding back on the open borders policy for a reason."
"No doubt." Luna nodded. "Tia is not stupid...most of the time. She is all about friendship, and friendship with your kin will be a step forwards for Equestria. She is simply being duly cautious with that step."
"I don't blame her." I said. I mean, considering the sum total of her experience with humanity so far has been, essentially, all me, it is no wonder she is giving the rest of my kin all due caution.
"Me neither." Luna gave a little chuckle. "Still, there are those who are hopelessly enamoured by what thy kin has to offer us." Luna huffed. "All thy fancy electricicicicity, all manner of gadgetry and gizmos, newfanglements and claptraps." She sighed, wistfully.
"Yourself included." I nodded at her room, smiling knowingly.
"Of course!" Luna lifted herself onto her hindhooves to do a little twirl. She waved her forehooves around her as she spun, gesturing at her assorted collection of Christmas lights flickering on the walls of her room. "Imagine! A night lit up by human electricity! Street lamps making it safe for Our little ponies to enjoy Our night! Electric lights allowing them to enjoy their time together late into the evening! Rockets and space elevators to finally turn Our moon from a place of banishment into a new frontier for Our people! With the help of thy kin, not even the sky is the limit!" She declared, before giving a wistful little sigh, calming down a little. "But do not confuse Us with those who would sell Our world at the drop of a hat to the more opportunistic of thy kin." She added, in a sudden growl.
"I wouldn't dream of confusing you with anything, Luna." I replied. "Though I wish you could have thought up a crazier plan. This is barely a Monday yet." I chuckled, helplessly. Oh, for the love of all that is adorable and pony, what I do for my princesses.
"Thou asketh for 'crazy'?" She smiled manically once more. Oh dear. "Thou cannot spell 'lunatic' without 'Luna'. Now, fetcheth Us Our shoes and Our hunting bonbons! We hath ninja maid knights to hunt!"
I could only sigh at the prospect. "It's probably not too late to try and get Shining Armour in a maid uniform." I said, optimistically.
"Now I know I did say to please be ready at 10 AM." I said, giving the the ornate crystal clock above the living room fireplace a critical eye. "I realize now I may have failed to specify that I meant that particular 10 AM forty five minutes ago. Otherwise known as Canterlot time."
"We're coming!" A voice called out from deeper within the apartments.
"So is Hearthswarming Eve." I said. "At which point we may perhaps write Santa for some ninja maid knights. I'm sure he has some reindeer and polar bears he could put in maid uniforms for us."
"Absolutely not! We art not wasting a Santa wish on such frivolities! We hath need of one of one of thy human world gamecolts after all!" Luna shouted from somewhere inside.
"Gameboy." I corrected. "Time waits for no man. Or pony. Neither does the train, ladies." I checked my train timetable for the tenth time that morning. At this rate we would be walking to Fillydelphia. "Do you at least have your disguises ready?" I quickly reminded them.
"Ready? Hah!" The verbal violence that was the Royal Canterlot voice assaulted me from behind, threatening to topple me over. "Foalish child! We were born ready! Our disguise is built-in!" A crack of thunder boomed behind me. "Behold, foal, thy Queen of the night!" The queen of the night bellowed at me.
Underwear dry? Check. Of course, a gentleman never wets his pants, he merely...infuses them.
I sighed as I slowly turned to find, yes, the dark evil form of Nightmare Moon gloating at me. A deep aura of oblivion crackled about her, ruining my intricately designed interior lighting. Disturbing dark wispy tendrils of magic licked at my face, struggling to measure up to my superior facial hair. "I'm going to assume that was the caffeine talking." I said, blinking stardust out of my eyes. "This isn't Nightmare Night we're going out to."
"We....We knew that." The terrifying form of Nightmare Moon muttered, hiding away her candy bag behind her.
"Now go back to your room and put on something...sensible." I realized that anything and everything can be considered 'sensible' in comparison, but it didn't stop me trying.
"But....but..." Nightmare Moon faltered beneath my disapproving gaze. "Verilyyyy..." She sulked, trudging back towards her room, wispy dark shadows slinking after her in her wake.
I just sent Nightmare Moon back to her room to get changed into something sensible.
It's difficult to believe sometimes, but my life is based on a true story. Mine.
Though it gladdened me to see Luna take her past identity as Nightmare Moon so casually now. That Nightmare Night in Ponyville has done her much good in that respect. Perhaps, with time, she may even find it in herself to forgive her past.
Sometimes I harbour this deep dark suspicion that my perfect little princesses, supreme goddesses blest with divine intelligence, have in fact grown up and only foal around like this to wind me up. Well, I shall prove that I am mature enough to appreciate that, that I am of good enough humour to take their jest in stride.
A set of hoofsteps trotting into the living room interrupted my brief reverie. "I'm ready, Butler." My lady announced her arrival. I turned to find...
....
"My lady." I struggled to keep a straight face.
"Yes, Butler?" My lady replied, sweetly.
"Would you care to explain to me what that is?" I asked, warily.
"My disguise." She declared, proudly. Yes, of course it's a disguise. I'd be worried if it was anything else. "They would never expect it."
"If by 'they' you mean that part of the population afflicted by sanity, then, yes, you're right, they would never expect it." I conceded.
"We are, after all, going to Fillydelphia." My lady reasoned. "So it makes perfect sense to blend into the environment. In that sense, I am practically a tree in a forest." She did a clumsy twirl in her disguise, threatening to smash a priceless Saddle Arabian vase and an entire cabinet of priceless Kirrin china. More like a tree in a hurricane, in my opinion.
"My lady." While I always strive to be the very paragon of deadpan, it is admittedly difficult to out-deadpan my latest nemesis. Finally, I have met my match. "You are in a cardboard box." I very carefully pointed out. It was even helpfully labelled 'Fragile, Handle With Care'. "When, pray tell, did you buy an entire boxful of cream donuts?" I asked, pointedly, eyeing the telltale 'Donut Joe's Best Crispy Creamies' insignia on the box.
The box made like a box and stood still and silent for all of a moment. "Ah, I found it in Luna's room." The box finally said, looking about as anxious as a box. "Look, I have even cut holes out for my eyes. I can actually see where I'm going now." She demonstrated by batting her big lilac eyes at me through said holes. She was definitely not suggesting she didn't think of this before.
"You've also cut out a hole for your horn." I said, nodding at her long pointy horn poking out the front of the cardboard box.
"Oh?" The lilac eyes blinked at me, seemingly clueless of this. "Uh. Why, yes, yes. All the better to cast my magic with in an emergency." My lady quickly said. "I even have holes for my wings, see?" She flared her wings through their own handy slots. They fluttered at me gently, threatening flying-cardboard-box-filled nightmares.
"Excellent." I nodded with approval. "They would never expect the alicorn princess of cardboard."
As expected of my lady and her complete perfection. Her boundless adorability could even make mundane cardboard boxes beyond cute and cuddly. Truly, if she were its goddess I would be the first to swear my undying love and fealty to the kingdom of cardboard.
"Butler, you may stop narrating the cardboard box now." The cardboard alicorn said.
"Yes, my lady." I said, quickly finding myself a different outlet.
"Butler, what are you doing?" The cardboard box asked, tilting a little to one side.
"Petting a cardboard box, my lady." I replied, simply.
"N-no, wait. I am long past the legal age for pettings now, Butler!" The cardboard box squeaked.
"I am not petting you. I am petting a cardboard box." I asserted. But no, this wasn't enough. I needed more. I needed a hug. And when else would I ever come across a cardboard box this wholesomely huggable, this irresistibly endearing to my heart? It was now or never, do or die, freedom or gummy bears. And I shall seize the hugs faster than you can say 'cuteboard'.
"No, Butler. You can't be planning what I think you're planning." The cardboard box slowly backed away. But too late. It was already within my absolute hugging field from which no adorable may escape. "Ah!" It squeaked under my sudden and passionate embrace. "Help, Lulu, sister! I am being hugged!" It cried in desperation. "And narrated!"
Luna sighed as she returned in time to witness the spectacle. "What foalishness doth thou indulgeth in this time, Tia, sister?" She asked. "And why are We left out again?"
"Lulu, you are the last pony I want to hear that from." My lady muttered, darkly, while still struggling against my hold. "Especially with what you're wearing." She added, eyeing Luna's latest disguise.
"We art a cardboard alicorn." Another cardboard box, this one bearing the upside down label 'Donut Joe's Cheesy Moons', scooted along the ground to bump against the Crispy Creamies box. This one bore a midnight blue horn and a pair of wings to match.
"That is the silliest idea I've ever heard." The Crispy Creamies box snapped, horn clashing against the other box's.
"Coming from the mare who stole Our idea? Preposterous!" The Cheesy Moons box shot back.
"I beg to differ. I am a cardboard box! Your argument is invalid!" The Crispy Creamies box argued back. "My box is also bigger, mind you!"
I was watching two cardboard boxes with horns and angrily-flared wings arguing over their respective identities. I debated on the wisdom of intervening in this epic battle between titans when watching proved so much healthier in many ways. But as content as I was to watch the two adorable siblings indulge in the luxury of squabbling the day away, we had a train and some ninja maid knights to catch.
"If I may, my ladies." I straightened up to speak. "While your plans are indeed, fool-proof." I said, lying through my perfect pearly white teeth. "I see one minor issue."
"What is that?" They both demanded, almost daring me to call their plan flawed.
I sighed, looking the very picture of despair. "It would grieve me much, my dear ladies, if you two were not able to partake in the many varieties of sweet confectionary we may be able to pick up along the way. After all, a master of disguise must stay in character at all times. And cardboard boxes do not move, nor talk, nor...." I took a deep breath, "...eat."
A tense silence filled the room as the weight of this revelation came crashing down upon my two boxes.
"Butler."
"Yes, my lady?"
"Your powers of understatement scare me."
"Why, thank you, my lady. You flatter me so." I will take flattery whenever I could get it, even from a cardboard box.
"This is no small issue, Butler. This is a catastrophe!" My lady declared.
"For once we agree, sister mine." Luna agreed. Together they wrestled their disguises off as if it were on fire. My lady even kicked hers away for good measure. "Now, it is upon thee to prepare us a more fitting disguise. One that would allow us use of our mouths."
"To speak, of course." My lady said, quickly. "It is important that we communicate on such an important mission, after all."
"Quite so." Luna nodded. "And remain well fed and watered at all times."
"With sweets." My lady was quick to supply.
"Lots of it." Luna agreed.
"You wound me, my ladies." I smiled, revelling in how easily my bait had reeled in my prey, hook line and sinker. "Surely you have more faith in me than that. Of course I've prepared a plan that would cater to all your needs. Now, if you'll simply listen to my little suggestion..."
11.30 AM sharp, or so the grand clock gracing the ornate marble portico of Canterlot Central station told me. Rush hour had supposedly ended and yet the largest train station in Equestria was as busy as ever. Even the heat of the late summer sun could not stay these ponies about their business. As lunch hour loomed the more enterprising food vendors had begun flooding the air with tantalizing scents and odours in the hopes of attracting early birds.
I carefully wove my way through the colourful crowd of ponies milling about the wide marble steps leading up to the station. Not that there was any danger of them missing me. It was rather difficult to miss the very stylishly dressed gentleman striding up the stairs. It probably had nothing to do with him towering over twice the height of the average pony. Surely it was his impeccable manners and winning smile that parted the sea of ponies when he politely asked them, 'excuse me'.
"Butler." My lady said, adorably cute voice squeaking a pitch or two higher than usual.
"Yes, my lady?" I asked.
"My disguise is not working." She complained.
"Of course it is, my lady." I assured her, doing my utmost best to keep a straight face.
"Everypony's smiling, even giggling at me!" She pointed out. True, she was attracting a good few smiles, even waves and affectionate coos. And I couldn't blame them. My lady's sweet charm could move dead hearts.
"Yes, my lady. That means it is working." I assured her. "Working too well, perhaps."
"Uuuu, Butler!" The little marshmallow-white pegasus filly perched on my right shoulder squeaked in frustration, putting on a pout to end all pouts. And possibly a few hearts too. "How is this better than my cardboard box?!" She demanded.
Well, to start with, my lady is far more adorable than any box can ever hope to be. This is even more the case when she is fun-sized as she was. But I think my lady has heard enough of that.
"I thought we agreed." I said, pulling out another of Donut Joe's bite-sized donuts out of my seemingly bottomless bakery bag. I raised it up in offering to my little sun goddess. "That the pros outweigh the cons, like this." I said, waving the sugary goodness teasingly before her nose.
"Bribing me does not help your case." She muttered. She still opened her mouth for the little morsel, however, allowing me to feed her. She gave a happy squee as she chewed down on it with relish, ears perking up excitedly. "Mmmm~" She suddenly looked the very picture of sugary bliss for all of a minute, little wings fluttering with delight. Even her dawn-pink tail wagged in obvious enjoyment.
"You don't hear Luna complaining." I said, raising another donut up in offering to the little moon goddess pegasus filly parked on my left shoulder. The small midnight-blue filly eagerly snapped the sugary bite out of my fingers, giving a happy squee of appreciation of her own.
"Well, no. She's just been munching like a machine. That caffeine has a monster appetite." My lady pointed out. "She's eaten five more than me while I was talking, Butler!" She cried at the injustice. "You are playing favourites again, aren't you?!"
"Then perhaps you should talk less and eat more." I suggested, offering her another donut which she quickly nibbled through her pout. Ah, blessed silence. Just in time to join the busy queue for the ticket booth too.
It was the perfect disguise, requiring nothing more than a little dash of alicorn magic and a lot of very smooth talking. A rare few remember what these two were like as fillies (those poor long-lived souls who do have probably had their memories irreparably scarred anyway. Ever wondered why Discord is the way he is?). There are no surviving pictures from those days. It also helped that they had wiped their flanks clean of their cutie marks. Plus, ironically, it made them much easier to manage. I do not have to imagine the logistics of shepherding two very whimsical alicorns with all the control of sweet-seeking bulldozers. I simply have to recall last Nightmare Night and Hearthswarming Eve.
As for myself, yes, I do stand out like a sore hoof. Most citizens misinformed enough would be able to quickly identify me; That monster the princesses keep on a leash. But being so close to the bowels of the government meant I do often end up the choice punching bag for their spoiled progeny. Thus seeing me out and about babysitting a foal or two was a surprisingly common if not horrifying sight in Canterlot.
"Anyway." My lady gazed at Luna and I suspiciously in between nibbles, seemingly bothered by something. "Since when have you two been on first name terms?" My lady suddenly asked with a little frown.
"Since forever." Luna and I replied in stereo. I gave her a fist which she promptly brohoofed with a teeny hoof.
"But, you call me..." My lady began.
But before she could voice her mind we found ourselves interrupted by the busy ticket booth attendant. "Uh....ticket for two fillies and a....?" The uniformed stallion leaned back a little in his chair to be able to eye me up and down properly, as if trying to decide what I was, exactly.
He must be new to town, and to common decency too. I disregarded his impolite stare as I replied, "Two foals and one adult. To Fillydelphia. In fact, we'll take a private booth." I placed a sizeable pile of heavy golden bits on the counter.
"Yes. He is indeed a human. Thou profess a problem with this simple fact?" The poor stallion almost jumped at Luna's sudden pointed question. The poor chap practically wilted under the little filly's stern gaze. Luna's absolute charisma as a divine regent seemed able to project even through her adorable little shell, worming its way into deep-seated primordial herbivore instincts, reminding them just where they are in the food chain.
"N-no, m-ma'am! I mean, y-young lady." The stallion squeaked. "I-it's just, well, uh..."
"His kin are neighbours now. Thou shalt do well to remember that next time thou hast the urge to allow thy eyes to linger uncomfortably so." Luna said reproachfully.
"B-but, I, uh..." The stallion leaned as far back as he could in his seat, as if every inch might get him out of the potential blast zone.
"A foal of five would understand this! Fetcheth Us a foal of five!" The little pegasus filly snapped. "Listen well, We care not that it is summer! Thou shalt go home today and peruse a book on Hearthswarming Eve at the earliest instance! Is that clear?!"
"Y-yes, ma'am." The stallion looked both scared and flabbergasted, to be schooled so harshly by such a little filly. He quickly pushed the tickets across, almost fearfully, like a peace offering, in the hopes that it might expedite our departure.
"Thank you." I said, taking the tickets and quickly taking my leave before Luna could go all Nightmare Moon on the poor stallion. Or worse, my lady sends him face-first into the moon. She had remained silent, about as silent as a waiting iron maiden. But if looks could kill hers could probably kill stars and doom planets.
"S-Sure are a lot of oddballs on that train to Fillydelphia today. Minotaurs, griffons, dragons, now...that. Since when did we have a circus car on that train?" I just about heard him mutter as I walked away. Huh. If they can be comparable in oddness to yours truly then this should be an interesting train ride indeed.
"Circus?!" Luna squeaked in anger. "Stop! Bring Us closer to that foul knave so We may take a choice Royal Canterlot swing or two at his thick skull!" She waved a tiny but threatening hoof at the ticket stallion.
"Luna." I began, sounding a mite reproachful.
"For once, I agree with Luna, Butler." My lady breathed, voice frostily calm. "He could do with a lesson in Friendship. Or two."
"Thou knowest thy princess is right." Luna muttered, sullenly. "Nopony treats Our Knight Captain thus, not on Our watch."
Luna's a thoughtful girl, if exceptionally blunt. But I suppose that is what makes her, well, Luna. And my lady is, at heart, a maternal soul, mostly loving and warm, but capable of fiery over-protectiveness if provoked. "Thank you, Luna, my lady, for watching out for me." I sighed, allowing myself a little smile. They reminded me exactly why I've never felt like an outcast here, even if I could count the number of friends I had on one hand. Because they were here for me. "Still, it wasn't something worth picking a fight over. Most of the time the best thing to do, the smartest thing to say, is nothing."
"But it's because of ponies like him that Hearthswarming Eve happened!" Luna protested.
"But it's because of our tolerance and understanding that we survived Hearthswarming Eve." My lady said, calming down considerably. "Butler is right. Thank you, Butler, for reminding us."
"Besides, when all's said and done, your knight captain's the one who does the protecting around here, my princesses." I said, giving both of them a mane ruffle.
"W-wa, h-hey! Thou art messing up my constellations! Ursa major isn't that fat!" Luna squeaked, though she didn't pull away. My lady, on the other hand, took it in surprisingly quiet grace. Though she felt rather hot to the touch. Is being outdoors taking its toll on her? Mayhaps I should make haste to our carriage?
Still, that ticket stallion, if I wasn't in such a hurry I would have given his words a little more due consideration. "Ahem. When you're done dallying, I remind you we have five minutes." My lady patted my head with a teeny hoof as she prudently looked up at the gigantic departures board overlooking the ticket stands. Her words put the stallion's words out of my mind entirely. Tickets in hand, I hurriedly made my way towards the Harmony Express bound for Fillydelphia.
"So, why are you holding the interviews all the way out in Fillydelphia?" My lady asked, looking a tad unimpressed.
"I heard ninja maid knights grow on trees there." I said, innocently.
"You weren't planning to do something...clandestine behind my back, were you?" She demanded, fiery accusing gaze threatening to burn a hole in my right ear.
"Of course not, my lady." I said, smoothly. "I wished to avoid the possibility of anyone using this as an opportunity to insert spies or, worse, saboteurs into your service. I took care to omit anything that might even suggest who the prospective employer is in the job ad. I even forewent advertising in Canterlot. And I had Ms. Rarity help me by booking the interview venue for me in Fillydelphia."
"Hmm, well done, Butler." My lady gave her approval. "Except who would reply to such an odd ad?"
"Odd ponies." Luna suggested, testing the donut bag for edibility. "Mmhhh, schweet."
"A lot of ponies, actually. And, I guess, quite a few unponies too." I said, wrestling the bag out of Luna's mouth. "The pay is beyond excellent, with lots of benefits including lodgings, living expenses and opportunities to bask in my splendour." We found our train, one pulled by one of the newer, larger heavy-duty Harmony class locomotives. Under Luna's subtle machinations, more and more resources had been pooled into furthering technology and industry, resulting in impressive new developments like these. It made sense. Machinery had no need for sleep, and can thus give life to her night in the near future.
As we wove through the thick sea of ponies thronging the platform, we slipped past a cerulean blue pegasus sporting a lightning yellow mane and tail. "Hey, loser! Stupidity isn't a handicap, so don't park your big fat feathery plot in my way!" She shouted at a gryphon in her way.
The angry-looking golden brown gryphon rounded on the pegasus, eagle eyes threatening a rather uncomfortable rendezvous with her talons. "What's that, dweeb? Sorry, I don't speak 'lame'."
My lady eyed the exchange worriedly. Disharmony always upsets her so easily. As much as I'd prefer to prevent her seeing any, especially so close to home, the unfortunate fact remains that the world is simply rife with it. But nothing in Equestria can compare to the human world. Hmmm, perhaps that is why she is treating humanity with such care?
"This is Our first time partaking in a train ride." Luna said excitedly as we approached the private booths carriage. "Woona is so excited!" She squeaked, giddy.
"Why are we taking the train though?" My lady asked, curious.
"Would you rather we walk?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I suppose the royal pegasus chariot would have been too conspicuous for such a secret mission." My lady said, "But why not an airship?"
"I considered it. But airships use named passenger manifests. I'd rather this be entirely off the books." I said. "As far as the palace is concerned, I'm out to personally deliver a royal donation to an orphanage in Fillydelphia."
"Awww, We want to ride an airship!" Luna whined. "Airship! Airship! Airshiiiip!" Oh dear, is that the first inklings of the impending caffeine withdrawal?
"Another day, I'm sure." I promised, quickly, considering a trip to the dining carriage later for a caffeine top-up.
I paused as I was about to get onto the train. I frowned, looking around behind me warily. Call it an odd sense of paranoia cultivated through years of hazardous service, but I couldn't help but feel like we were being followed. I scanned the crowd, biting my lip. I just about caught a glimpse of something mint green dashing behind a nearby information stand. But then, it was a busy platform, full of rushing ponies. Surely it was nothing?
"If you're looking for the commotion, it's coming from there." My lady said, pointing a hoof further up the platform.
"Oh, I don't remember making one." I said, following her gaze. There was a large gathering of what looked like reporter ponies judging by the entire galaxy of flashbulbs going off. From the number of hanger-ons it looked like somebody more important than me.
"Captain Spitfire!" I overheard one of the reporter ponies cry out, "Is it true the injury costed you the gold medal at the Equestrian Games?"
"Is it true that you've been asked to resign from the Wonderbolts because of the injury?" Another journalist pressed.
"Do you have any idea who'll be taking your place as Captain? Captain Spitfire? A comment, please!" Another reporter pony shouted out.
I just about spotted a bright fire-yellow figure push through the throng of reporters to slip into a private carriage further up the train. A few of the pluckier journalists attempted to follow after her but were quickly cut off by a door to the face.
"Paparazzi." My lady sighed.
"Pizza where?" Luna demanded.
I didn't get to linger on the scene for too long as a pony came up behind me, seemingly intent on getting on the same carriage. "Excuse me?" A voice asked in a smooth Trottingham accent, giving the impatience in her tone a sophisticated edge. "Could you lend me a hoof, please?" I was surprised enough at being addressed, let alone being asked for help. Most ponies are quite wary if not outright afraid of me. But here was a pony who was unconcerned enough to seek my assistance.
"With pleasure, ma'am." I said, turning around to face the voice, only to find a massive leather case pushed up against my face. It was a cello case, my nose told me, judging by the impressive bulk pressed up against it. Quite the fancy make no less, judging by the hard leather rubbing against my face. I took hold of the case. It was definitely far too big and heavy for the average unicorn musician to move, so I was sure this unicorn needed all the help she can get. But as I was about to pull it in after me, a large, beefy hand reached over my shoulder and took hold of the case's neck. With an almost effortless one-handed tug it helped me pull the case onboard.
"Oh, thank you." I looked over my shoulder and found that the hand was attached to a massive hulk of a figure. In fact, at first glance it would appear it was all abs and muscle and naught else. And, just in case, the massive horns topping the sculpted bullish face left no room for mistakes - it was a minotaur. Definitely a rare sight around central Equestria, more common closer to the borders, but the more enterprising ones are known to come this far into the heartlands.
"Don't mention it." He said, giving me and the pony a thumbs-up as he sauntered off towards the door to the economy class.
"Thank you, kind sirs." The cello owner said, bringing up the rear behind the cello case. Lo and behold, it was an earth pony mare, a rare make for a musician, especially for such a fine instrument. And it was a familiar face no less.
"Ms. Melody? What a surprise to see you here." I said, recognizing the elegant-gray earth mare from her performances at our many social events. Ms. Octavia Melody used to be my first choice of musicians, but I have long since relinquished the responsibility of organizing the minutiae of those events to Kibitz, one of my lady's many advisors. Come to think of it, I haven't seen her all that often, not since that one catastrophically fun Grand Galloping Gala. The event earned me a souvenir quite close to my heart, one of the few pictures of Blueblood lathered in pie that survived his purge, for whenever I need a private laugh at his expense.
"Oh, I didn't expect you to remember me, Mr. Butler." Ms. Melody said, flashing me a weary smile. She looked a little worse for the wear since I last saw her, her cheeks thinner, her eyes bearing dark rings beneath them. "It has been a while after all."
"Much too long, Ms. Melody. But I would never forget a delightful lady like yourself." I said with a friendly smile.
"Oh?" She gave me a mild frown. "I would have thought you had, all things considered." She said, cryptically, hauling her trademark cello onto her back, displaying typical earth pony strength. "Well, it is good to see you are keeping well, Mr. Butler. Ta." She said, pushing open a door towards the economy class.
"Likewise. Take care, Ms. Octavia." I said after her. I wasn't able to ruminate on her mysterious behaviour for too long as my lady was already trying to glare through my skull.
"Butleeeer..." She growled. "We're not even in Fillydelphia yet and you're already foaling about with every mare you see."
"If it pleases you, my lady, I could foal around with stallions instead?" I asked, innocently. "That minotaur just now looked quite friendly."
"Butleeeeer!" My lady squeaked, placing both forehooves on my temple and rocking my head back and forth, as if hoping to shake the notion out of my head. I only chuckled in reply as we made our way to our booth.
The early afternoon found us on a very pleasant and companionable journey onboard the aptly named Harmony Express bound for Fillydelphia. Our private booth was small but cozy affair, smelling of aged leather and polished oak. I may have long since fallen asleep from the gentle warmth of the sun streaming in through the wide windows and the soft lull of the rocking carriage if it weren't for the need for constant vigilance over my two charges. Speaking of which, my lady had taken to using my lap as a footstool to stand up on her rearhooves, leaning on the window for support to gaze out at the passing countryside. So enraptured she was by the beauty of the land beneath her benevolent sun that she had her puffy little cheeks pressed against the glass, lest she miss some fascinating little detail in the scenery. Her ears would perk up as some interesting new feature sprung up in the passing countryside, her head slowly turning to follow it until it disappeared out of sight. The latest item of interest appeared to be a giant donut topping a donut stop.
"Butler, why are you talking to yourself?" My lady asked, turning to look at a new item of interest - me. "Again?"
"I do enjoy intelligent conversation from time to time." I said, primly.
"You mean all the time?" She said, with a knowing little smile.
"You're just jealous of my conversation partner." I quipped.
"Well, considering the alternative...." My lady turned towards her sister sharing my lap with her.
Pop...
"Are we there yet?"
Pop....
"Are we there yet?"
Pop....
The little divine moon goddess filly on my lap had a seemingly endless supply of bubblewrap in her hooves and a seemingly endless supply of mouth too.
"Butler, why is Lulu even here?" My lady finally asked with a sigh. "And why did you feed her coffee?"
"Our sister doth protest too much. We art here to double the fun of course!" Luna said, as if it was as obvious as Blueblood being the evolutionary endpoint of a brick. "This is something yon serfs calleth 'fun'." Luna gestured grandly at the bubble wrap, as if explaining advanced tax management to a child. "The pursuit of the perfect bubble wrap 'pop' is perhaps the simplest denominator of fun, a standard unit of scientifically calculated pleasure if thou will."
Pop...
"Ooooh! Did thou hearest that?! Didst thee?" She squeed excitedly. "How many points doth We receive?!"
"Butler." My lady said, eyes twitching dangerously. "I'll walk. Just open the window for me now, please."
Luna enjoyed a hearty chuckle at her sister's expense. "Oh, such the drama queen, Tia sister." Luna laughed. "When else do We get to share a train ride on such a fine day as this?"
"When they make shorter train rides." My lady said, darkly.
"In all seriousness." Luna settled down considerably. "You know why We art here, Tia." She said, giving her sister a grave look.
My lady seemed to sigh a little at this. Hmm? Did I miss something? "Yes. And I thank you for being here, Lulu sister." My lady gave her sister a nod. "It gives me courage to have you here."
"We art the guard, first and foremost." Luna said, "We guardeth that which matters, even if We must brave our greatest friend and nemesis, coffee." She allowed herself one of her manic caffeine grins.
"We are lucky he divulged his plan so readily. Otherwise today may have ended up a complete oversight." My lady bit her lip, suddenly showing signs of anxiety for the first time that day.
"Indeed. We would call it serendipity, but calling yon nephew's idiocy a product of chance would be an insult to fortune." Luna shook her head.
"Thank goodness all ponies are unique." I sighed. "Imagine if there was more than one Blueblood."
"Don't give him anymore ideas." My lady hissed. "We are already going to great lengths just to sort out this one."
"Oh, we haven't gone anywhere yet." I said with a chuckle. "We have yet to put Discord in a maid uniform." This earned me a fit of laughter from the sisters at the rather disturbing thought.
"Except he would be so keen he'd probably bring his own frilly skirt." My lady said, to yet another chorus of laughter from us. We shared a good little moment of mirth at Discord's expense, something I'm sure the Draconequus would appreciate.
"Butler, speaking of where we're going." My lady suddenly said. seemingly noticing something outside the window.
"Yes?" I asked.
"That stop we just passed." My lady slowly turned her gaze towards me, her expression suddenly tense. "That was Briddleton station."
"Yes, indeed. We're five stops...away from....Filly....delphia..." Trepidation slowly dawned on my face as I realized what that meant.
"Correct Us if We're wrong." Luna said, frowning, eyebrows twitching. "Doesn't a 'stop' mean we're supposed to actually stop there." She voiced our very concerns.
"Yes, yes exactly." I glanced between Luna and my lady. I mirrored my lady's worried look, my mind struggling to find any excuse to deny what all this meant.
"For We observe we hath passed at least three such 'stops' without actually stopping." Luna pointed out. "Oh, look, We hath overtaken the 'fast' train. Should We wave?" She said, watching as we surged past the fast train that left a good half hour before ours.
"And we are still picking up speed." My lady said. "The bright side is, from what I recall, Fillydelphia is the end of the line."
"The bad news is, it is the end of the line." I muttered. "By all that is adorable..." I groaned, quickly pushing myself up onto my feet. I reached for the door and grasped the handle. One tug. Two. And another. It didn't give an inch. "I'm afraid the door is stuck." I observed, turning the lock. "The lock is about as stubborn." I noted, grimly, feeling the lock stubbornly resist me.
"Allow Us." Luna said, fluttering over to me with her little wings. She lit up her hidden horn with a soft blue glow, presumably readying her suite of lockpicking spells. I expected the lock to simply click open by virtue of ponykind's ultimate trump card - magic. Except we were instead greeted by an explosive zap that sent Luna reeling back. "Ouchies!"
"Luna!" I rushed to her side. "Are you alright?"
"W-We're alright, Butler. Thank you." Luna said, seeming no worse for the wear as I lifted her off the floor and onto her hooves. "More than can be said of our magic, however." She muttered.
"A null-magic field." My lady hissed. "Cunning."
"It's not just the lock." Luna scowled, peering at the entire booth. "This whole booth, at least, is covered. Maybe even the whole carriage. But flight still works." She said, flapping her little wings, lifting herself into a hover.
"So we're on a train that has missed three stops and is picking up speed." I summed up. "And someone's gone out of their way to trap us in our own private booth. And we're a few stops away from the end of the line and certain doom."
"And Lulu is going into caffeine withdrawal." My lady pointed out.
"And Lulu is going into caffeine withdrawal." I echoed with a nod. "Can this get any worse?"
"We also hath urgent need of the little filly's room." Luna observed. "What? We art serious." She added, seeing our looks.
Monday was taking its toll, and I've run out of loose change. I let out a little sigh. "We should have just walked." I conceded.
A polite knock on the door almost sent us leaping out of our skin. I spared my ladies a quick glance, putting a finger to my lips. They gave me a quick nod of understanding, displaying that they are capable of silence. "Who is it?" I replied, carefully, standing to one side of the door.
A surprisingly chirpy voice on the other side spoke up. "Oh, hello, I heard the door rattling so I just thought you might need help getting out. I'm Ditzy Doo, by the way."
"The door says it's locked." The mare outside said. "Have you tried unlocking it?"
I paused to contemplate her question. "I don't know. What does the door tell you?" I finally asked, grimacing into the palm of my hand.
"Ah, yes, of course you've tried; my bad," the voice said with a chuckle. "It might open from this side. Let me...."
There was a loud crack. I backed away quickly, shielding my princesses. I've been taught all my life, the hard way, to not trust anything that goes 'crack'. 'Boom' is a blunt, upfront and business-like sound that announces itself loud and clear. But 'crack' is a deceptive, almost treacherous sound, suggesting lowest-bidder-craftsmanship and a lackadaisical 'it-wasn't-me' attitude.
Then, like Luna falling asleep on her hooves after her baths, the door simply keeled over inwards into the booth, crashing right at my feet.
"Ooops, my bad." The dawn-gray pegasus mare standing on the other side gave a sheepish little smile. "Sorry, I seem to break anything I touch." The briefest of frowns crossed her face, hinted at only by the droop in her ears. But when she looked up at me any traces of it had vanished, replaced by a nervous smile. Its cheeky charm was amplified a hundredfold by her bright, playful wall-eyes. Her ears perked up against her sunrise-gold mane, fidgeting nervously as she eyed me apologetically.
Even amidst the barely suppressed panic my heart managed to find space to squee inwardly with glee at the sight. A new challenger has arrived. Between the two heart-melting fillies and this adorable mare, I think my fate is sealed. I have no regrets. Take me, Monday.
"That...is actually a frighteningly powerful skill." I finally managed to say. "The kind you normally hear of in prophecy, generally coveted by both heroes and evil villains alike."
"Have you ever tried touching the ground?" Luna asked, excitedly.
"Lu-... uh... Dark Side! Please, think of our planet!" My lady hissed.
It would appear the caffeine is in a particularly planet-destroying mood today. But thankfully, sanity dictates that even pegasi must walk, and the world is thankfully still intact, at least thus far.
I think.
"T'was just a fleeting fancy, naught more." Luna waved her sister off. "And what didst thou just calleth Us? What manner of name is 'Dark Side'? Thou makest Us sound like a failed attempt at cooking eggs. We remind thee that Our last attempt did not blow up the kitchens. Thou thinkest the kitchens here have coffee? We would love to partake in some coffee."
"Haha, sister, there you are trying to act all grown-up again." My lady giggled through gritted teeth. "It is your name, silly." She hissed, glaring at Luna.
Luna stared at her sister as if she had declared a sugar-free diet. "Ha. Ha. Ha." She said, robotically, "Thou-....you play such games sometimes, my dear beloved wise, pretty and slim sister, Sun Spot." She said, mechanically, as if articulating each and every lie as carefully as possible. "I am a naively honest little filly, really." She added, for emphasis. “I also like coffee. Lots of coffee. All the coffee.”
"Sun Spot?!" My lady growled. "Ah, that reminds me, don't you need the potty, Dark Side? Or should your big sister, ‘Sunrise Splendour’, change your diapers for you? We wouldn't want you wetting your cradle again, would we?" She shot back with a vengeance.
"I..." Dark Side opened her mouth to retaliate when wisdom, or possibly her bladder, seemed to override her caffeine for just a moment. "You will wish you had a diaper on in a bit. And my coffee. After I come back from the little filly's room. And get some coffee. Or my name isn't Black Hole," she said as she shot for the door. "For freedom!"
"Dark Side." Sunrise shot back.
I quickly stepped out after her. It was my folly that brought my princesses here, putting them in harm's way. Foolish as I was, I would at least keep them both safe. "Wait a moment, little lady. You're not going anywhere by yourself," I reminded her.
"Yes I am. I'm going to potty," Dark Side said, impatiently. "I don't need to tell you what might happen if you follow me in."
"I am willing to risk my life to keep you safe," I said, stoically, in the face of certain doom.
"Please. What is there to be afraid of out here?" Dark Side scoffed, trotting forth boldly. "Other than my name? And the lack of coffee?"
"Us?" Sunrise said, shrugging her withers.
The crazed pony who would crash an entire train just to do us in, perhaps? But I didn't voice this, lest I worry the kind pegasus mare. Speaking of which...
"Thank you for helping us out, by the way." I gave the gray pegasus mare a grateful nod as I stepped out into the corridor to keep an eye on Dark Side. "Ms. Doo, wasn't it?"
"Oh, you can call my 'Ditzy'. But careful not to bite your tongue." Ditzy said with a smile.
"My friends call me Butler. A pleasure to meet you, Ms. Ditzy." I said, giving her a polite bow.
"Same here." She said, cheerfully. "Your daughters are really adorable." She added, nodding at Dark Side as the little filly trotted off towards the bathroom just next door to our booth.
I gave the weighty thought due and proper consideration. "Yes, my daughters are certainly cute." I nodded, without hesitation. "I think they stole it all from me." I said as I went over to the door to the next carriage just next to the bathroom door. I gave it an experimental tug. Yes, locked.
Ditzy gave a little giggle in response. "Not all of it, I see." She smiled, brightly.
"D-D-Daughters?!" My newfound daughter, Sunrise, balked. There was a little flutter of wings as she zoomed up to hover by my head. "Excuse me, uh, 'Daddy'..." She hissed. “What exactly do you have planned. if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Simple, my dear Sunrise.” I said with a smile. “Simply empowering myself with the heaven given privilege to do this whenever I please.” I demonstrated by giving her a gentle mane-ruffle. Check and mate.
Of course, my reasoning bore deeper motives. I know my princesses will be keen to emulate today’s success with their disguise in the future. My role will allow me a reason to ask people to keep an eye out for them should they sneak out with said disguise. It would also make them think twice before doing so without my supervision.
“No!” She squeaked in protest, blushing profusely, though I note she did not move to dislodge my hand. "I meant, since when have you developed an infatuation for wall-eyed mares?" She whispered urgently.
My lady certainly has her priorities right, looking out for me before herself. "Wait a moment, let me check." I said, calmly, allowing a pause for effect. "Since right now." I decided, earning myself a choice pout from my lady.
"Aw, come now! Thou jestest far too far! Thou lockest yon bathroom door too?! With a null-magic field no less?! WHY?!" We turned to look down at Dark Side who was trying to shout the bathroom door down, little hooves engaging in the dance of the desperate. The door, unfortunately, seemed woodenly impassive to her protests. "Let! Us! In!" She cried, turning to give the door a powerful hindhoof buck. It served only to send her rolling forwards into a little ball of filly limbs on the floor. "Ooof!" She squeaked.
"Credit where it's due, our foe is thorough," I said, smiling bitterly.
"My despair is thorough!" Dark Side squeaked.
"He wishes to kill us, one way or another." My lady nodded.
"Are you alright, uh, Dark Side?" I asked, lifting the little filly onto her hooves.
"It's 'Stellar Divine'," The identity-challenged little filly snapped impatiently. "Or 'Black Hole', whatever. And I'm anything but alright!" She cried, scraping her little hooves across the door. "My kingdom! My kingdom for a potty!" She wailed in desperation.
I bit my lip. It would appear the null-magic field cancels out earth pony magic too, judging by the fact that Luna's buck failed to even scratch the bathroom door. That meant one less key to opening the doors.
"Let me try that for you, sweetie," Ditzy kindly offered, reaching over Luna's head for the bathroom door handle. There was a loud crack as the hinges gave way with a loud snap. The door simply folded over under her touch, crashing inwards. "Oh, sorry. That always happens."
Though it would appear the null-magic field doesn’t cancel out the very walking incarnation of Sod’s law. Take that, Monday.
"Sweet sorcery! Great hero of Equestria, I thank you!" Dark Side declared, bounding over the door. "Right, anypony who looks gets a hoof through their eyes. That means you... uh... 'daddy'!"
"I think my eyes are well attended to as they are, thank you." I said, nodding at Ditzy. The gray mare gave me a quizzical head-tilt in reply. My words earned me a headbutt to the head courtesy of an increasingly-pouty Sunrise.
“Focus,” She whispered.
Sound advice. I eyed the stricken door instead. "These powers, they are real." I said with a grimace. “We might be able to use this.”
My lady paused in her pouting to follow my gaze. "I dare not imagine this power in the wrong hooves." My lady winced. "Well, wrong-er."
"To infinity and beyond!" A muffled voice declared triumphantly from within the bathroom. Those of us witness to it shared a quick glance and a shrug.
"So, you think someone's is behind this?" Ditzy asked.
"What's that?" I asked, taken a little by surprise at the sudden question.
"Sorry, didn't mean to listen in." She said, sheepishly. "But you mentioned a 'foe'. Thought you meant the train running out of control."
"You noticed?" I frowned a little at this. "For someone on said train, you're taking this very calmly." I said. Almost impressively so. I have only ever seen such cool under pressure in my very own princesses.
"Same to you." Ditzy giggled. "Me? Got faith in a few things: my daughter, good muffins, and good engineering." She smiled. "Helped design the Harmony-class locomotive, you see. It has a speed brake that locks by itself when the train goes too fast. Designed it myself." She peered out a window pane set in one of the side doors, eyes squinting at the passing emergency beacon posts set at regular intervals along the tracks. "Going by the beacon posts, we're going at 120 Hurricanes now, accelerating at 2 hurricanes per minute. The speed brakes should kick in right about... now."
We held our breaths.
We held our breaths some more.
Nothing happened. I breathed out. "Why are we holding our breaths?" I asked.
"I don't know what went wrong." Ditzy frowned. "The brakes should have locked." She turned to study a safety diagram on the wall depicting the train’s layout for the day. “We’re in the third carriage down from the engine, which means…” She murmured to herself.
"Somepony really is behind this." My lady said, expression darkening as she turned to look at me.
Stay calm. Must not, cannot outwardly panic, even if I am steadily infusing my unmentionables. I have already failed my princesses by bringing them here. Further failure was not an option. I must be the Butler they need me to be, for their sake. I took a deep breath as I re-assessed my situation. A lot of the doors are locked. They've got magic-cancelling fields on them. But how far do the fields extend? My ladies can still fly, so that suggests the fields don’t extend very far at all. "My lady, does it take continuous unicorn magic to maintain your disguise?" I whispered aside to her.
"Yes." My lady nodded. "I see what you're thinking. The null magic fields are only on the doors, possibly the walls. I can still otherwise use my unicorn magic." She eyed the doors and walls critically. "It's a particularly neat spell, suggesting the culprit was a unicorn."
"We could probably assume he or she had wisely gotten off at the last station we stopped at then. There is no reason to remain on the train once it's on its way to certain doom. Still, we must be cautious." I reasoned, carefully. “My lady, can you teleport me ahead, to the engine perhaps?”
“I could, but it wouldn’t be safe for four reasons. First, I have not seen the layout of the train with my own eyes. Second, the train is not only in motion, it’s also accelerating at an uneven pace, making actual positioning difficult. Third, we don’t know if our criminal had laced the engine with null-magic fields as well. And fourth and most importantly, knowing your luck, you’ll probably land in the hooves of a mare….or ten.”
“That last one would be truly dangerous for a gentleman of good repute,” I nodded, gravely. "Now the spell does not extend beyond the doors and walls, which is why flight still works as well." I looked around at Ditzy. "So, uh... Ms. Ditzy, if we can get a door outside open, you can fly out with my daughters, right?"
"Leave you and my little ponies on this train in danger and escape with my life?" My lady hissed in my ear. "Next you are going to tell me to go down to one sugar in my tea, I expect."
"No, that was silly of me," I replied. I knew all too well there was no convincing my lady to forego the safety of her subjects in favour of her own, even if I pointed out her doom would spell the end of Equestria.
"I designed this train. It's my fault if the fail-safes, well, fail." Ditzy said, bitterly. "Even then, I can't leave when everypony else is still in danger. I will stop this train." She said, determinedly. "Besides, my daughter is still here. Need to find her." She added, looking towards the door to the next carriage.
"She's up there?" I asked, pointing at the next carriage.
"She needed the bathroom. Thought she used this carriage's, but obviously not." She nodded at the bathroom occupied by Luna. "She must have gone over to the next carriage; the naughty filly." She bit her lip, worriedly.
"Let's go find her then," I said. "Can you break that door down too?" I asked, pointing at the door to the next carriage in front.
"I can try." Ditzy nodded, reaching out for the door handle. She pushed. She pushed some more, wings fluttering with effort. But nothing happened. "Um, I don't know what went wrong." She muttered, stepping back to eye the door critically.
I do. "I suppose it doesn't work when you want it to. Otherwise it'd be a superpower rather than an inconvenience." I surmised.
"Sorry, my bad," Ditzy said, sheepishly.
“It’s not your fault, Ms. Ditzy,” I said.
"Either that or something's blocking it from the other side." My lady said, hovering up to the door latch. "The latch is green there." She said, eyeing the handy lock indicator.
"There's always these doors." I said, testing the outward doors. To my surprise it swung open readily, smashing out against the side of the carriage. I was almost blown back by the gust of wind that surged in through the opening. The carriage was suddenly filled with the roar of the rushing wind washing past the train. The tracks beneath were but a blur with the train's accelerating speed. "This door opens just fine." I shouted.
I contemplated the wisdom of what I had planned next. Courage is no stranger to a gentleman. But at the time it felt more like a nagging mother-in-law. Then again, if I’m going to die either way, I would rather die punching the reaper in the face rather than the other way around. Finding a firm handhold on the roof, I climbed out into the roaring slipstream.
"W-wait! What are you doing?" Sunrise shouted after me. "Please, get back in here!"
I was tempted to listen. This was already looking like a bad idea. But instead, I persevered. "I shall go see what's blocking the door. Failing that, I'll move forwards towards the engine." I shouted over the roar of the wind buffeting me about. "Don't fly after me. The slipstream will knock you straight into the ground." I warned, urgently. "Just go back in the booth and..."
My words were cut off. I almost bit my tongue. A sudden jolt shook the entire train. It was enough to dislodge my precarious handhold. I shot an arm out for the roof. I missed. My body hung in the air. My heart stopped. Never have I been more drunk on life and sobered of death all at once till that very moment. A gentleman always plans to live forever, lives to die everyday. I never thought I'd get to put the latter bit into actual practice.
Well, time to get some practice then.
"No! Butler!" I heard my lady scream as she rushed towards the door for me, concealed horn glowing.
This was it. Now or never!
Yet another jerk shakes my entire body. I felt a strange sensation wrap around my wrist. Whatever it was, it was keeping me from falling. I looked up and found a warm golden glow encircling my hand. It was magic, specifically unicorn magic. It was gold in colour, but it didn't feel like the familiar touch of my lady's. Who could it be?
"Oh, big catch today. Hi, blanks." A pair of big, playful golden eyes peered down at me from atop the carriage's roof. "Fancy finding you hanging around here. Happy to see me?"
"That was a bad pun and you should feel bad." I broke into nervous laughter, raising my other hand up to grasp the roof and pull myself up. "But damn am I happy to see you, Lyra." Excuse my French. This mare, Lyra, always does, at least when she's not learning it firsthoof from me. She had done well for herself thus far, vocabulary-wise, ever since her days as my lady's student at the Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, much to my lady's chagrin.
For the record, gentlemen do not swear, we kindly and nicely offer expletives. The only exception is when singing the carol 'Good King Wenceslas' when we get to swear 'sod', 'sod', and 'sod' some more at the top of our lungs in god's very presence.
"You okay, Butler?" Ditzy's concerned voice sailed up from below. "Anything I can do to help?"
"I'm fine, Ms. Ditzy, thank you." I called back.
"Don't do that again!" I heard my lady shout from below. "Especially finding random mares everywhere!" It was then when I felt it, the familiar tendrils of my lady’s own magic wrapped around me, just as it let go of me. Looks like she did her part too. I’ll need to thank her later.
"What? What'd We-...I mean, what'd I miss?" I heard Luna's voice join my lady's. "Daddy! Whatever it was, do it again! I wanna see! Please please please!"
"Be careful! The train's sped up above its safety limit. The shaking and jolting will only get worse!" Ditzy called after us. "I'll watch your fillies! Just be careful!"
"How much time do we have left?" I called back.
"We just ran the signal at Hoofton station. 25 more minutes!" Ditzy shouted back.
"Quick, Sun Spot, what do you wanna do for 25 minutes?" Luna asked, excitedly. “Wanna go find some coffee?! Cause we can really go find some coffee. Doesn’t that thing over there look like coffee to you?”
"Understood, Ms. Ditzy! Don't worry, I'll find your daughter for you!" I shouted back. "What's her name?"
"Dinky! She's a unicorn filly, dawn-lilac, golden mane!" Ditzy said. "And thanks!"
"Lyra, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked the mint green unicorn before me as I got up. I just about spotted what looked suspiciously like a periscope before it disappeared neatly into her saddlebags.
"Fishing, as you can see." Lyra shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You know what they say, give a stallion a fish, he eats for a day. Give a stallion a mare...."
“Weren’t you attending Princess Cadence’s school for brides right out of Celestia’s school?” I asked, recalling how she just up and left Canterlot for the Crystal Empire right after her graduation.
“Yep. Graduated top of their history books. Learned everything a good bride must know including all seven varieties of snot you can beat out of a changeling.” Lyra grinned, proudly. “Now I’m out for some practical experience.” She gave me a wink.
"Hope they taught you how to control runaway toasters. You know the train's running out of control?" I asked, slowly stepping my way forwards towards the gap between our carriage and the one in front.
"It’s no different from controlling your husband, it’s all in finding the right levers and buttons. And duh, you think I'd be up here enjoying the view otherwise?" Lyra asked. "That said, it is a pretty nice view."
"Why, thank you." I grinned, "I do work out."
"Wha-...I wasn't..." Lyra suddenly stammered. But before I could turn to face her and ask her what's wrong, reality called, in the form of a pony projectile zooming straight for us.
"L-Lookout!" The figure speeding through the air towards us cried, waving her forehooves wildly. It was yet another pegasus mare, this one a fiery yellow, topped with a flaming orange mane and tail. From the looks of her one frantically fluttering wing, one completely frozen wing, she had about as much control as my lady's sweet tooth. “Mayday! Mayday!” The pegasus mare cried, frantically.
"I got you!" I shouted, reaching out for the out-of-control pegasus.
"Watch out, Blanks! I'm not strong enough to hold onto both of you at that speed!" Lyra warned, readying her horn with a burst of golden magic.
"Just slow me as much as you can!" I instructed, sounding much more confident than I really felt. "I'll handle the re-..." The soft bundle of fur and feathers slammed into me bodily. I was pushed over backwards, tumbling head over heals.
"I still got you!" I declared as I righted myself onto my belly. I slid all the way back across the carriage's roof, my prize clutched tightly in one arm. My one free arm scrambled for purchase on the roof, but to no avail. I felt Lyra's magical hold on my outstretched wrist struggle to slow me down. But even she was struggling to keep a hoofhold on the rooftop, her hooves slowly but surely screeching and sliding after me.
“I think I still got you!” The rear end of the carriage rooftop loomed closer. I gritted my teeth. The sheer drop came. I felt my stomach lurch into my throat. My heart was beating in my very head. With what little grip I had left, I grasped the edge of the rooftop just as my passenger and I slipped off the edge. Using my hold on the roof's edge I swung down, slamming myself against the carriage's rear door with a painfully wet splat. With an experimental reach of one foot I thankfully found myself just within toe-reach of the gangway between our carriage and the one behind. Letting go of the roof's edge, I allowed myself to safely land on the gangway.
I also allowed myself a rather ungentlemanly whimper as I leaned against the door before sliding down slowly onto the gangway, pegasus mare still clutched tightly in my arms.
While I'm not normally one to abandon my loyal comrades-in-arms, these unmentionables are probably beyond saving now. Rest in peace.
I wonder if I left an embarrassing streak down the entire length of that rooftop? I should remember to bring a mop up there later if we survive.
"Hey, Blanks! You okay down there?" I heard Lyra call down for me. I looked up and found her peering down at me from above.
I managed to reply with what I think was a very watery smile. "I think so, in spirit at least." I wheezed, breathlessly. "I'm afraid I cannot say the same for my pride." I only wish I could change crown jewels as easily as I could change unmentionables. Mine were furiously protesting my decision to turn and slide all the way down that rooftop on my belly and threatening no heirs to my name. I'd be discretely fanning them if I weren't in the presence of a lady. Ah well, at least there was something cool and wet cooling them down for now.
"Dammit, don't scare me like that!" Lyra said, giving me a reproachful look.
I was too busy studying the carriage door in front of me to reply. As I suspected, they were indeed blocked from outside. Someone had jammed metal bars in the handles. Said bars looked suspiciously like levers ripped out of some contraption somewhere. Ah, the carriage coupling levers and emergency brake levers are missing. Well, that solves that little mystery.
This criminal had some form of really twisted obsessive compulsive disorder. To go as far as removing all the usual staples of runaway train troubleshooting? That's just plain unfair. Come to think of it, judging by the measures our assassin has taken, I doubt there'd be much we'd be able to do once we get to the engine. But I simply had to try.
"Listen, I'm going to take this pegasus inside." I shouted up at Lyra. "It looks like they're blocking the carriage doors with these iron bars. Could you go remove the one blocking the door upfront?" I asked.
"Sure thing, Blanks!" Lyra shouted back, throwing me a smart salute. “Uh, don’t run off without me, alright?” She quickly added, looking uncharacteristically nervous all of a sudden before she disappeared.
"Be careful, alright?" I hollered back. "Try not to collect any more of your souvenirs!"
"Uh, wow." The mare panting in my arms breathed, reminding me of her presence.
"I agree, indeed." I sighed. "I admit I have no idea how we are still alive. Well, for now at least."
"That's... not what I meant." She said, breathlessly. I glanced down at her and found her peering up at me with her bright sunfire-orange eyes, her expression strangely unreadable. Though she was quite severely flushed from the excitement. "Uh, sorry, I mean, um, thanks. For catching me." She said, looking worryingly dazed.
"Oh, don't mention it. I get plenty of practice everyday." I said. Mainly dive-tackling my lady when she's 'sleeptrotting' to the kitchen pantry every night.
"I like practicing too." She murmured, still looking rather confused. "Lots."
"I see.” I said, eyeing the frozen wing. “Is your wing alright? It wasn’t flapping quite right earlier.”
My sudden question seemed to ward away whatever was left of her daze. “Oh, it’s nothing.” She said with a sudden scowl, quickly shaking her head. "By the way, it's alright to let go of me now." The mare said, looking down at the arms curled around her tightly.
"Oh, my apologies, ma'am," I said, suddenly realizing I still clutching onto her for dear life. I quickly let her go, helping her onto her hooves.
"Spitfire. Just call me Spitfire." She said. "You're... her highness' assistant, right? Butler, wasn't it?" She asked, quickly regaining her composure and her perky and punchy voice.
"Assistant, amongst other things." I nodded. 'Punching bag, and, now, daddy too,’ I thought inwardly. I thought I recognized her. I had met her on several occasions whenever the Wonderbolts were invited to perform for royal functions. "Always a pleasure to see you again, Captain Spitfire." I gave the all-famous captain of the Wonderbolts a nod. "I only wish we could have met again under better circumstances." I slowly pulled myself back onto my shaky feet.
"Nah, just Spitfire," Spitfire said. "Not 'captain' anymore. Besides, I'd have thought all them royal balls and galas are far more deadly? At least here we know what's trying to kill us." She cracked a smile.
"Definitely not the canapes, the fruit punch or the killer jokes." I agreed, steadying myself against the door. No rest for the wicked, or the train for that matter. I quickly found the metal bar blocking the door back into my own carriage. "What happened back there? Were you trying to fly somewhere?" I asked as I worked to dislodge the metal bar from the handle.
"Uh..." She looked downcast for all of a second. "Well, you probably know how we're all on a runaway train now. Let's just say I was trying to fly my way to the engine and leave it at that. Between spending the rest of my life on this train or spending the rest of our lives swapping stories, I know which I prefer." She said as she gave me a hoof at shoving the metal bar out. "You were up there looking to stop the train too, right?"
"No, I was on my way to the dining car and I got lost on the way." I said as we both finally released the metal bar. "I was lost until I met you, Ms. Spitfire."
"A-ah. I, oh, that's nice?" She stammered, her flush quickly returning for some reason, quickly registering herself in my hall of adorable ponies right alongside Ditzy. Today, calamitous as it was, has proven to be a veritable goldmine of cute, much to my private glee.
I did not get to dwell on the adorable sight for too long as the door was suddenly wrenched open inwards and my hand was still on the handle. I was tugged inside after it. My face, however, failed to join the rest of my body, as it met some rather stubborn resistance in the form of a fist, a lamentably accurate one.
Ouch. I think St. George himself felt that.
"Look, fools! Iron Will opened the door!" A loud, booming voice declared as its owner took hold of me by my collar before I could even fall back. Blast, I spent all morning pressing that, getting the creases just right!
"Did you really have to punch the first pon-, er... person to walk through it?" A familiar female voice demanded.
My assailant went on, ignoring the perfectly valid and pertinent question, particularly pertinent to my face. "And I caught us the criminal behind all this! So it proves Iron Will is innocent! So quit your pony jibbe-jabba!" He declared, holding me aloft like a hunting prize. "Ooh, I'd hate to be you right now, because Iron Will is gonna rain down a world of hurt on you!"
"Excuse me, sir." I wheezed at my assailant, "I have no need for your attitude. I brought my own." A whole trouser-full at that.
While my vision was obscured by the massive boulder-like fist clutching my collar and the stars dancing vividly in my eyes, I had just about enough of my senses to look about the room. It was the economy class side of the carriage, fitted with spacious open seats rather than booths. The ponies in it were all huddled together against the walls in absolute fear, stallions, mares and foals alike. There were a lot of foals in particular. All shared looks of fright and distrust towards both me and my assailant. And I don't blame them.
"I pity the foal who still thinks Iron Will has anything to do with this bullocks!" My assailant snapped.
"H-he could be your accomplice!" One well-dressed stallion in the back accused.
"Just stop the train! Let us go! We ain't nopony special!" A rock farmer stallion demanded.
"Just take both of them down!" A spunky mare cried out. "Celestia will know her own!"
"Know what?!" Sunrise demanded.
"What? What? I want to know my own too!" Dark Side added.
"W-what could you want from us?! We're just simple pony folk!" A mare cried. "We're just taking these poor orphans on a field trip!" She waved a hoof at the masses of foals in the carriage.
So it's a runaway train full of orphan foals. Murphy is having a field day today.
Well, at least the train isn't on fire.
Oh by all that is adorable and pony...
Knowing my luck, that thought alone just set fire to the train somewhere.
Ah, I see what's happening. Whoever this person in front of me was, he wasn't a pony. And the kneejerk reaction in a situation like this was to accuse the one that stood out the most. In this case, it was him. And now me.
"But look, this hairless primate has some sort of stick in his hand." My assailant pointed at the brake lever in my hand. "It is a very suspicious stick." He argued, very persuasively.
"That's the brake lever, isn't it?" Spitfire whispered from behind me. This earned me the angry glares of everyone in the room.
"Not. Helping." I hissed back.
"Oh, sorry. Right, helping." Spitfire said, clearing her throat. "This stallion's in the service of the royal family!" She barked in her crisp drill sergeant voice, stepping out from behind me. "Put him down this instant!"
"I can vouch for that." A familiar voice said. I spotted the familiar form of Octavia turning away from the door to the private booths compartment opposite us, spitting something out of her mouth into a forehoof. It looked like....lockpicks? "I know him personally. He serves Princess Celestia." She said, giving me an impassive nod as she slid the maybe-lockpicks into her saddlebags.
"I can vouch for me too. Firstly, upon my oath, nine out of ten ponies agree I am a nice person...mostly." I said, reaching into my jacket pocket. The ponies in the room reacted with gasps and squeaks of fear. "Don't worry, I'm only pulling out my badge." I brought out my crest of office, a golden badge emblazoned with the sigil of the sun and moon. "Secondly, I carry this." Recognition immediately dawned on everyone in the room. Nobody could mistake the royal crest and the weight it carried (and occasionally threw around). Those who do generally earn themselves a few hours in a choice corner and a bop on the nose for bad behaviour.
Even my assailant immediately backed off at the sight, dropping me back onto my feet. "Wow, why'd you not flash that earlier?" Whoever it was said, "Could've saved Iron Will's fists some flight time." He backed off enough for me to get a good look at him. Familiarity dawned. There was no mistaking that minotaur from earlier. Though he looked a good deal paler than I remembered, maybe a tinge green too. "Look, Iron Will had nothing to do with this! Iron Will doesn't even like trains!" He said, quickly, obvious anxiety in his eyes.
“He punched a Royal Servicepony!" The well-dressed stallion shouted, pointing at the minotaur. "Treason!"
"He's the culprit!" A mare accused angrily.
I am almost certain he had less to do with this than I did. Being a gentleman meant being a stalwart defender of the truth, even if the truth had punched him in the face. "I can vouch for him too." I declared, raising my hands calmingly. "Complex magic was in use in orchestrating this incident. And before you ask, it wasn't minotaur magic. You would feel minotaur magic when it graces your face so. You may take my word for it." I said, clutching my painful right eye. I foresee a big bruise there.
The minotaur gave me a quick, grateful nod before leaning back against the wall, allowing himself to slide down to the floor. His face looked torn between relief and stomach-churning sickness before he buried it in one big beefy palm.
I decided not to interrupt his bout of motion sickness just yet as I continued addressing the ponies. "The culprit is almost definitely a unicorn. And while this is unconfirmed, said culprit has likely left the train." I said, offering what reassurances I can. Nothing pained me more than seeing ponies in fear. Frightened ponies don't make very adorable ponies. "Don't panic. Leave it all to us royal servicemen. We are trying to stop the train as we speak."
"Then you'd better get a move on!" The well-dressed stallion snapped impatiently. "We just passed Saddleturn station. We don't have much time left!"
"What're you waiting for? Save us!" A mare cried.
"Why do all the wrong parties always happen around you, Mr. Butler?" Octavia sauntered up to me with a sigh. "I realize everypony's entitled to some stupidity, but you're just abusing that privilege." She said, nodding at the brake lever in my hand.
"At least you can say he's found the brakes." Spitfire pointed out, helpfully.
"You cannot expect me to leave without a souvenir, Ms. Melody." I shrugged, testing the door into the private booths section of the carriage where I hoped my lady, Luna and Ditzy were still waiting. Sure enough, it was locked tight.
"That's assuming you get to leave at all. Stop hogging all the optimism." Octavia said, unimpressed. "I am quite certain you cannot annoy the train into stopping."
"Watch me." I said with a smile. Ah, poor Octavia, she has been around me long enough to become acquainted with my insufferable demeanor. Unlike most, however, she gives about as well as she receives, a particularly endearing trait in my eyes.
"You know what? I actually might." She said, taking me up on the free entertainment. "It's not like I have anything better to do. If I'm going to die, might as well look busy."
The minotaur looked up at me where he sat slumped against the wall, giving me a slight nod. "Good that you came when you did." He said, seeming as earnest as 200 pounds of muscle can. "Anymore fuss, I would’ve gone rough. Them fools act tough, but they’re all fluff. So you have my thanks."
I suppose that's what passes for eloquence on his part. "And I'll thank you for pulling that punch." I said, still wincing in pain. For once, I wasn't being sarcastic. A proper minotaur punch packing actual minotaur magic would have seen the contents of my head painted across the walls.
"Iron Will does not forget those who stand against, for or with Iron Will." He said, "And you have done all three. Iron Will will have a hard time forgetting you, so Iron Will might as well learn your name. You have earned yourself an introduction. Iron Will's my name, making legends’ my game."
"I gathered that much already, Mr. Iron Will." I nodded. "My friends call me Butler, but you can call me that too." I am quite forgiving. My face isn't.
"Iron Will gathers that you are stopping the train. An enemy of my enemy is my friend." He nodded at me. "If we don't stop it, we rock it." He paused, taking a deep breath. "After a minute," he said, leaning back against the wall, eyes closed.
"Motion sickness?" Spitfire asked. "Life moving too fast for you?"
“First time on a train?” I asked, sympathetically.
"Probably last time too." He said, taking another deep breath. "Iron Will don't like moving objects you can't put a face to. Makes it difficult to punch properly."
"Well, in a little while we'll all stop moving, very, very suddenly." Octavia shrugged. "And we'll have the cure to everything too. Win win."
"Aye." Iron Will sighed, pulling himself up onto his legs. "Let's go. If Iron Will is going to have motion sickness anyway, might as well continue moving. Point the way, matador." He nodded at me.
"Thank you, Iron Will. Could you please open the door for me?" I asked, nodding at the door to the private booths compartment.
"It's locked too. I've tried and it's definitely not the lock. It's something else," Octavia said. "So unless you're able to sweet talk the door into opening up..."
"When I said 'open', I am allowing a very liberal interpretation." I said. "We have a minotaur." I reminded her.
"And Iron Will has the key right here." Iron Will raised a fist.
"Such a stallion thing, resorting to your fists." Spitfire said with a gleeful smile, watching as Iron Will punched the lock in before ripping the flimsy wooden door open. But I must approve of how carefully he laid it to one side of the doorway before carefully brushing away the splinters from the floor lest anyone steps on them.
"Well, it's either that or their mouths." Octavia said.
"We have two modes of action because we males are versatile, adaptable creatures." I said, stepping through the newly opened doorway back into the private booths.
"You okay, Butler? What happened?" Ditzy, who seemed to have been waiting where I left her, quickly trotted up to me, looking a little more anxious than I last saw her.
"My sincerest apologies, Ms. Ditzy. I got sidetracked. But another pony is opening the door ahead of us." I explained. "This is Ms. Spitfire, Ms. Octavia Melody and Mr. Iron Will. And this is Ms. Ditzy and my...uh...daughters." I gestured at Ditzy and Sunrise. Dark Side was nowhere to be seen. But Sunrise wouldn't be idly looking at the train safety diagram if Dark Side was indeed missing.
"You're married?" Spitfire and Octavia gasped in disbelief. Octavia's expression suggested the very idea was an affront to female kind.
"I believe love completes a man. Marriage finishes him off." I said, simply. "That is to say, no, I'm very thankfully incomplete."
My contemplations on the institution of marriage was interrupted by a flying ball of fluff to the face.
"Butl-...Daddy!" The ball of fluff latched onto my face like a big white muffler squeaked, half angry, half relieved, all adorable. "Don't do that ever again!"
"What? Take you all on a runaway-train ride to certain doom?" I asked, "Well, allow me to consider that. Hmm, yes, I think I can settle for not doing this ever again." I gave the ball of fluff an experimental tug. No, filly cannot be removed.
"I was worried sick!" She squeaked. She then looked over my shoulder and noticed my entourage consisting of a minotaur and two mares. "I was right to worry!" She cried, cringing painfully. Then she got a good look at my face and cringed some more. "Who did this?!" She demanded, noticing my bruised eye. "I shall avenge your face!" She declared. Well, this was going to be a while, probably awkward too. I waved the others to go on without me, particularly for Iron Will's sake. Considering my lady's mood, 'vengeance' in this case probably involved a permanent lunar vacation. Iron Will probably didn't need the frequent flier miles. He was sick enough as it is.
"I ran into something. I didn't see what it was." I said, which is half-true. I didn't see that fist coming.
"It hit you in the eye." My lady said, pointedly.
"It was particularly accurate, and I was busy admiring the view." I explained quickly.
Another little ball of fluff dropped down from the ceiling onto my head. "Daddy." I heard Dark Side's familiar voice mutter into my ear. Ah, filly found. "I wanted coffee. Not mares. Not even the one with the abs and the horns." She said. "Though that black-maned one smells like coffee. Her mane's the colour of coffee. I wonder if she tastes like coffee? Maybe I can find out if she tastes like coffee."
"It's raining mares here." Sunrise groaned.
"Oh, don't be silly, sister." Dark Side chided, patting her sister reassuringly.
"Hi, Blanks!" Lyra dropped down from the rooftop above into the newly opened doorway at the front of the carriage. "Took you long enough. Did you go by the Fillypines first?"
"Alright, now it's raining mares." Dark Side said, eliciting an even louder wail from my lady. "Why can't it rain coffee?" Dark Side muttered.
"Celestia buck me with my bass." I heard Octavia mutter under her breath at the sight of Lyra.
"Me do what?" Sunrise balked at the rather flagrant use of her name. I never took Octavia to be the sort to give Lyra a run for her bits, but I guess runaway trains bring the best out of people.
"Oh, hi, Tavy! Ditzy!" Lyra waved at the two mares, seemingly acquainted with them. "Tavy, you alright? You look like you just seen a ghost." She said, looking concerned.
"I wish I was." Octavia muttered, glowering at the mint green unicorn. "Then again, between your humour and this train, in a few minutes, we will all be." She sighed.
Ah, yes, that reminds me, we have an appointment with the reaper. "Time, if you please, Ms. Ditzy?" I asked.
Ditzy looked down at her forehooves, lips moving quickly. "Sixteen minutes, I think." She said, looking up at me. "Give or take a muffin."
"All the time in the world." I nodded. "From what I remember the next carriage should be the dining car. Speaking of muffins, shall we stop for lunch?"
"That means coffee!" Dark Side squeaked excitedly.
"Aren't you hot like that?" Octavia asked me in passing.
"Why, thank you," I said, giving her a playful smile.
"I meant the suit," she said.
"I'm sure the suit appreciates the compliment too," I grinned.
"I meant wearing it in this weather," Octavia sighed in exasperation. "It is summer."
"Hmm, yes, it has been hot enough to force me to wear a ribbon instead of a bow tie." I said, pointing out my generous concession to the hot weather. I don't normally, but it has been a particularly hot summer.
I paused at the door, eyeing the next carriage. "Though I might consider unbuttoning my collar for this one." I said, eyeing the smoke curling out from the gaps in the door and windows. Was it just me or did it smell like hash browns and devastation? Probably today's special.
So now we're on a burning runaway train full of orphans. Mr. Murphy, you've made your point. Now please remove your flagrant flanks from my Monday.
"No! Not my coffee!" Dark Side cried, clutching her cheeks in horror.
"It was not me." Sunrise was quick to declare her innocence.
"Hey, hey, Tavy." Lyra leaned aside to Octavia. "What's the difference between a cello and a bass?"
"Make a fire joke about my instruments and I will set you on fire. For the rest of your life," Octavia groused.
"Oh no...." Ditzy gasped, "The jolting must have ripped a magic line!" She rushed forwards. "Dinky!" Her wandering eye seemed to wander even further in her panic. Lyra and Octavia's expressions turned grave at this.
"Ms. Ditzy, please, stand back!" I shouted, holding her back by her barrel.
"Please let me go!" Ditzy cried, struggling wildly against my hold. "I need to find Dinky!"
“This door blocks our way. I say we make it pay.” Iron Will wheezed his suggestion.
"No, don’t." Lyra said, turning serious. "When you open that door, air will rush in and the fire will flare up."
"Hello, is somedrake out there?!" A desperate-sounding voice called out from within the dining carriage. "There's a fire here and I'm trapped with two ponies! One of them’s a little pony hatchling! We need help!"
"Dinky!" Ditzy gasped. "Please, we need to do something!"
“What are you waiting for?!” Spitfire demanded, impatiently. “Those ponies need our help!”
"We need a plan first," Lyra said, nodding at me. “Presumably you have one. One that contains actual plan stuff?”
I turned to Ditzy for this. "Ms. Ditzy, I need you to work with me. Please, tell me, is there a shut-off valve for the magic line?"
"Um, yes, I think." Ditzy panted, calming down, her wandering eye centering once more, once again demonstrating immense resilience under pressure. "The cutoff valve is always in the same place no matter the model. It'll be in a box on the wall to the right of the door." She looked down at both her forehooves, lips moving silently. "Sorry, meant my left." She corrected herself.
While firefighting is not part of my extensive formal training, I am no stranger to fires, mostly of the kitchen variety. Though the frequency has lessened considerably ever since I tweaked the fire alarms to detect my princesses coming within sniffing range of the kitchens. And due to Equestrian fire solutions consisting of waiting for the nearest pegasi to arrive with rainclouds, I had long since devised many of my own strategies in dealing with fires.
"And the storage space?" I asked.
"It'll be to the right of the door for easy loading." Ditzy said, eyeing the door anxiously.
"You inside!" I shouted, hoping whoever was trapped inside could hear me. "Where are you?"
"We're trapped in the pantry behind the kitchen!" The voice called out. "I can take the heat and smoke for a while, but these ponies are not going to last! Please hurry!"
"We're going to open the door. The fire will erupt when we do, so keep your head down and brace yourself!" I shouted. “I have a plan to cater to all these needs. But I will need your help.” I nodded at the veritable team gathered around me. "Iron Will, you're opening the door." I instructed, carefully. "Ms. Melody, you're finding that valve and shutting it. Ms. Ditzy, Ms. Spitfire, Lyra, you three will be using your magic to put out the fire."
Heeding my instructions, Lyra lit up her horn while Ditzy and Spitfire flapped their wings, gathering and shaping miniature clouds with their pegasi magic. Ditzy's efforts were admittedly clumsier than Spitfire's, but her determination showed.
"Sunrise, Dark Side, you two will be standing back." I nodded at the two fillies. "When the rest of us go in, you two are going to raid the storage cabinet. Find me all the baking soda and salt you can find. You know what I mean." They have been both witness and culprit to the many kitchen fires I have valiantly fought, after all.
"And coffee!" Dark Side asserted. "This cabinet better be full of coffee!"
"Who died and made you captain of this boat?" Octavia shook her head.
"Alright, ready?" I looked around at the party. They all gave me hesitant nods in reply. "Let's go!"
Iron Will, sick as he was, still managed to find the door and rip it off its hinges. As we feared, the fire immediately erupted forth, fuelled by the new source of fresh air. All of us couldn't help but recoil as the flames licked at our faces, threatening to singe our eyebrows. "Magic team, if you please!" I shouted over the roar of the flames.
The two pegasi reared back onto their rear hooves, wings fluttering to steady themselves as they pulled their readied clouds up. Steadying their clouds with one forehoof, they plunged the other into their cores. Spouts of rainwater burst forth from each cloud, hitting the nearest flames true. Lyra quickly joined in, adding her own frost spell to the mix. Their combined efforts made short work of the frontmost fires, giving Octavia and I space to enter the carriage.
I threw my jacket over Octavia who accepted it without question, quickly wrapping it around her head and muzzle protectively as she sought out the box containing the valve. The magic team advanced, slowly but surely extending our frontlines.
I choked on the thick smoke as I spotted our target through watery eyes, the kitchen and the pantry beyond. But it would be a while before the magic team could beat the fire all the way there.
There was a loud crack as Octavia smashed open the utility box with her earth pony strength. "Valve shut!" Octavia said, tugging the red valve lever inside all the way home.
More fire suddenly erupted from the kitchen, accompanied by a high-pitched scream. "Mommy!"
"Mommy's here, Muffin! Hold on!" Ditzy shouted. "The valve shutoff caused a backflow of fire into the magic line!" She shouted at me over the roaring inferno.
"Damn and blast!" I growled. One mistake after another. Please give me some personal space, Murphy!
"Baking soda and salt!" Sunrise shouted, whirling sackfuls of the stuff at me. Looks like their raid of the storage space proved fruitful.
"And water too!" Dark Side airlifted a large bottle of water over to me.
Well, I did boast that I am a versatile, adaptable creature. Time to live up to the claim. Or die to it as the case may be.
I uncapped the bottle and upended its contents on my immaculately styled hair, soaking myself thoroughly. Then, hefting the sacks of baking soda and salt, I took a deep breath and did what was perhaps an act worthy of the Bedlam.
"For pony!" I declared. I dashed into the fire, ignoring the protests of those around me.
Steam erupted forth from my soaked clothes and hair as I ran headlong for the kitchen. Blinded by tears from all the smoke and soot, I could only trust in my own strides and my excellent luck. And Lyra, it seemed, for I just about spied out the narrow beam of her frost spell clear a path for me.
By the intense heat threatening to perm my hair, I decided I must be in the kitchen. Not wasting another moment, I slammed the sacks of baking powder and salt at anything and everything within reach. The flimsy bags quickly ripped as planned, spewing their contents over the fire.
I felt the heat recede under my relentless Butler-slapping, just enough for me to see. There, through the cloud of baking soda and salt choking the life out of the fire, I just about managed to spy out the door to the pantry. Inside was a whitish-pink creature about the size and shape of a pony. That was where its resemblance to a pony ended. Through the haze I just about made out what looked like cherry red spikes along its back. It was curled up, pink wings furled around its body, as if protectively shielding something beneath it.
Then I realized the haze I was peering out of was mostly in my head. The darkness slowly but surely crept in from the edges of my sight. Right at the edge of consciousness I came to a sudden realization; I had not only smothered the fire, between my efforts and the smoke I had smothered myself. With what little I had left I did what I do best; flailing at anything and everything within reach.
"...ler! Butler!" I heard a voice echo on the very edge of my hearing. "The fire's out! You can stop!" I just about heard Spitfire shout, sounding distant and loud at the same time. "Butler?!"
"Fire!" I heaved out one last battlecry as I spotted the hazy blur of something fiery yellow and orange approach me at the edge of my vision. I teetered towards it, empty salt and baking soda sacks akimbo. With what little consciousness I had left I threw myself at it.
I fell upon the fire like a vengeful wet rag. It gave a loud squeak under my unabashed assault. The last thought that went through my mind before I completely blacked out was, 'This fire's pretty hot.’
My princesses declared themselves the princesses of cardboard and made me their ninja. I was given a mission to secretly put Shining Armour in a maid uniform, all while dodging runaway cloud cakes full of orphan foals. And my polishing cloth tried to Butler-slap me with a flaming minotaur. In the midst of all this, Luna was high on caffeine.
Hmm, it would appear like just another average day for the Butler to the royal family of Equestria. I was about to ask Shining Armour out to the local McTrotnalds for some princess-javelin-throwing practice as cover for my operation when something strange happened. Well, strange-er.
"You didn't have to punch him dead," my mint green cravat protested.
"He was going to ravage her," my elegantly gray kilt replied, dryly.
"Exactly," Shining Armour protested, in a fittingly punchy yet feminine voice. "Right there in the middle of the kitchen, with everypony around us watching. And you stopped him." The last statement sounded rather accusatory. "Uncool," it muttered, almost indistinctly.
"She's on fire!" My cravat's pun somehow made the rest of my clothes and Shining Armour wince.
"That is no reason to try and put her out with his face," My kilt said.
"And that is why we need fire distinguishers." My cravat was in a particularly punny mood, much to the anguish of everyone else.
"That's quite the fantasy," my kilt said. "Do share more."
"Everypony, I think I feel a pulse!" My half-moon monocle said, excitedly. "Oh, wait, no, that wasn't a pulse. That's my hoof shaking from the caffeine withdrawal."
"You're doing it wrong. That's not where his pulse is. Allow me." The sun itself said in exasperation. It checked my pulse... by booping me on my nose. How it did this, I am still not entirely sure.
"Alright, you can all stay here and work out whether or not I committed murder." My kilt sighed in exasperation. "Meanwhile, I'm going to take the minotaur and open the doors ahead before we all join him wherever it is he went. Hardly a happy prospect."
That was when I realized I was dreaming, for I do not wear cravats.
The realization dropped me unceremoniously in a sea of hazy darkness. My head swam like a brick. More voices echoed at the very edge of my hearing, now strangely familiar.
"So, is he dead?" I heard the familiar voice of Lyra ask.
"I believe in him." I heard the familiar comforting voice of my lady say. "I believe he's just pretending." Yes, comforting, as comforting as the weight of the little pegasus filly sitting on my chest, whose idea of checking my life signs involved booping my nose with a forehoof repeatedly. By all that is adorable and pony, my lady knew me all too well. "Wakey wakey, daddy~" She said in a singsong growl.
Whatever my lady said, I decided to play dead a little while longer. I might as well get the practice. I slowly opened one hazy eye to peer out blearily at my surroundings. The kitchen was a lot worse for the wear, scorched, singed and layered with blackened salt and baking powder, but was at least devoid of fire.
I recognized the sky-gray figure of Ditzy loom nearby, hugging a trembling little dawn-lilac ball of fur topped with a sunrise-gold mane. "Mommy, Dinky was so scared!" The ball of fur cried.
"Ssshh, it's alright now, Muffin." I heard Ditzy's soothing voice whisper, softly, her forehooves wrapped reassuringly around the quivering ball. "Mommy's here now. Mommy won't leave you alone again." She held the trembling filly tight, as if afraid to ever let go.
Their little moment was quickly interrupted. "Eyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" A squeak of a battle cry filled the dining car. An elfin little slip of an earth pony, more a filly than a mare, leapt out of the pantry. Both her marshmallow coat and candy-blue mane were covered in soot. Her quivering forehooves were clutching one of the newfangled EverPuff™ cloud-based fire extinguisher canisters at foreleg-length. Her eyes were tightly shut in obvious trepidation as she squeezed the canister's lever. The canister gave nothing more than an impotent click.
Click Click Click.
I saw Spitfire, Lyra and Ditzy share a glance. "You need to pull the safety pin out," Lyra suggested, pointing out the safety pin on the canister's lever helpfully.
"Oh?" The marshmallow-coloured mare opened one eye warily. "Oh, um, right. Sorry, safety pin." She bit the safety pin out of the canister. She actually apologized to the safety pin.
By. All. That. Is. Adorable. And. Pony.
With the safety pin removed, she gave the canister's lever another squeeze. "EYAAAAAAAAAAH!" She squeaked as a burst of thick cloud foam erupted forth violently from the canister, sending her tiny frame rocketing backwards, whizzing circles on the floor while ricocheting off the kitchen cabinets. "HeeeeEEEEEeeeeeEEEeeeelp MeeeEEEEeeeeEEE!" Her squeaky pleas for help dopplered around the kitchen.
"You totally just wanted to see that happen." Spitfire chided Lyra, a knowing smirk on her face.
"Well, I did feel sorry for her, kinda." Lyra shrugged, a mischievous little grin playing on her face as she lit up her horn. Her golden telekinetic glow took hold of the extinguisher, stopping it dead in its tracks. The marshmallow pony, however, went on zooming across the floor, straight for...
Oh dollymops. I quickly wrapped an arm around Sunrise protectively, just before the pony slammed right into my side, sending us all rolling into a row of cabinets. My back broke the impact and thankfully nothing else. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" The mare lying on top of me squeaked over and over. "I didn't mean it. I came to get a toastie for a gryphon lady. I didn't know the toastie would set the entire place on fire, honest!" Her teeny form was shaking all over from the fear and panic.
"At least you can say it was a... friendly fire." Lyra quipped. "What? That was good." She protested at all the blank stares she received in reply.
"It's alright, miss." I said, soothingly. "We have taken care of the sandwich and the fire." It struck me that despite quivering to the core, the young mare had (belatedly) raced out of her shelter, fire extinguisher in hoof, to fight the fire, probably to save the others trapped with her.
"R-really? The fire's gone?" She gasped, looking around, her large bright cerulean eyes glancing about the considerably cooler kitchen. "Oh, thank Celestia." She breathed a sigh of relief, flopping her head down on my chest.
I had to struggle to ignore my lady's rapidly inflating pout. She probably still doesn't approve of her little ponies invoking her name like a deity of sorts.
"Oh, um..." The mare suddenly blushed a bright red as her head shot back up, as if noticing me for the first time. "S-sorry!" She gasped, hooves flailing wildly as she fell backwards onto her rump. Her eyes widened as she noticed all the other ponies in the room around her. "Sorry, um, I hope you're all not queuing for a toastie?" She ventured, sheepishly.
"No chance of that until the toaster repair-pony comes." Lyra said, nodding at the kitchen.
Ditzy, meanwhile, was looking at the other occupant of the pantry, a pony-like creature still curled up within. "Thank you, miss dragon. Thank you for keeping Dinky safe." She nodded at the little filly she was holding as she gushed with gratitude. "She's everything to me. If anything had happened...." She stopped herself, seemingly unwilling to even voice that possibility.
A dragon? Here? Dragons grace pony settlements as frequently as intelligence graces Blueblood. Finding one on a pony train was like finding matching socks in Luna's room.
But taking a closer look, there was no mistaking it; everything from the elegantly curved horns to the smooth spikes along her back, the graceful pink wings and the long, slender spiked tail screamed 'dragon'. Even if she was more on the waiflike side. It also explained how two ponies had managed to survive the fire. It would take more than a flaming train to even singe dragonhide.
The slender dragon eyed Ditzy with twinkling golden eyes, tilting her head to one side quizzically. "Awww, that makes me feel all warm inside, even after that fire." The dragon chuckled. "But as much as I'd love to hoard all the credit, all of it goes to cloth-skin over there." She nodded over at me. I barely registered what she said, occupying myself with eyeing the unusual pink orb hung around her neck like a talisman. It glowed ominously with each word she uttered.
"Still, you see a drake hold your daughter in a kitchen pantry and that's your first thought?" The dragon added with a giggle, as if it were a punchline to some private little joke. “That is so hawahaha.” The orb failed to glow with that last word.
"Anypony can see you're harmless," Lyra said with a shrug of her withers. "You're, like, tiny. You don't hoard. That makes you a lot less of a douche than most dragons." Ah, Lyra, bluntness with a smile, as always. That, and Lyra wasn't one to run her mouth at others for the sake of it, at least most of the time. She was a student to Celestia herself after all, and she knew her dragons. She was testing the waters with this one.
The dragon seemed to eye Lyra for a moment, her brilliant golden eyes gleaming with interest, almost as if she were reading Lyra's intentions. She then, surprisingly, laughed merrily, a smooth tinkling laughter that was almost uplifting to hear. "Tell that to the customers." She said, gesturing with a claw at the empty, now burnt out dining car. "One look at the lovely Dovah behind the counter and they think they're on the menu. Please, ushushu, I have standards. And good taste." Again, the orb failed to glow when she uttered those foreign words.
Lyra's surprise was evident on her face. I couldn't help but share it. No dragon, except for possibly Spike, would take a slight to her strength and prowess like that without at least showing a flicker of irritation. But she not only took it in stride, she laughed it off. Either she had seen through Lyra's prodding, was entirely unhinged for a dragon or was so confident in her strength that she felt no necessity to prove anything. All three were particularly scary thoughts.
"You're the chef?" Spitfire asked in disbelief, voicing our thoughts as one.
"Not anymore, I don't think." The dragon said, looking around her burnt out dining car. "Scalemange, I just got this job too." She gave a resigned sigh as she got up onto her four claws. At full height she was only slightly taller than Ditzy, making her a teeny dragon indeed.
A job no less? If I wasn't already convinced this dragon was an oddity, this sealed the deal. The draconic economic principle is simple in that it is non-existent. They take, and what they cannot take they destroy, kill or eat; not necessarily in that order.
But at the very least they don't do all that and call it 'morality'.
"Don't worry, I'm sure this won't get you fired." Lyra said. She looked around at the group for anything more than a blank stare. "Anypony?" She asked, almost pleadingly.
"The fire alarm's connected to the magic cutoff in the stove to stop fires from growing bigger. What happened?" Ditzy asked, as if pressing Spitfire's point.
"The fire alarm?" The dragon eyed the wall-mounted magical contraption Ditzy was pointing at. "I thought that thing tells me when the food's ready. Hauwau?"
All of us must have shared the same thought there and then. Yes, there aren't enough facehooves in the world for this.
"As for the stove, well, now that was a long and tragic fuwafu." The dragon began. "The dining car began rattling all of a sudden. The stove already had a short temper as it was. That sudden jolt was probably the last straw. And, well, you see, I was so busy contemplating the meaning of life... that I may have tried to blow out the fire," she admitted with a sheepish grin. “Hauwau.”
"You're a dragon. And you tried to blow out the fire." I raised an eyebrow.
"I could not help what I am." The dragon gave a tragic sigh. "Needless to say, I never got my answer to the meaning of life."
"With respect, you can't really hope to take refuge in profundity after that." I couldn't help but say.
"Well, do you know the meaning of life?" The dragon demanded with an expression threatening draconic sulking. "Well, do you?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. Right now all I want is a clean pair of unmentionables." I said, slowly pulling myself up onto my feet.
The dragon looked surprisingly impressed at my answer. "An old Dovahsagafur once said, 'Molt the scales of the past, tomorrow's not yet cast, but wear today's to last.' But yours is shorter and sweeter, Awumai." She beamed with approval, slinking around me while eyeing me up and down, as if appraising a radish at the market. "Well, I suppose I could do with worse for a Master. A little bit shahwawa for my taste, bit of a fixer-upper, but I prefer a challenge to a gift." She said with a nod.
I didn't need a mirror to see my own expression. It was already reflected in Lyra, Sunrise, Spitfire and Ditzy's; looks of absolute disbelief.
"Pardon me?" I asked, allowing my mind some time to catch up. "I didn't quite catch that last part." I had gathered that the orb is some sort of translator, a rather unreliable one judging by the occasional lapse in translation. I was hoping that last bit was somehow lost in translation.
"I am Garnet, of brood Blackwing, clan Drakengard." The dragon said, stopping in front of me to give me a very short curtsy. "And you are my master."
The worrying part is, she seemed strangely serious about this. And the last thing I wanted on that particular Monday was to offend a fire-breathing dragon. "Why, exactly, if I may ask?" I asked carefully with a curious frown.
"You saved my life," the dragon said, her expression unreadable, seemingly content that this was sufficient explanation.
I mulled this over in my mind until I suddenly recalled an old friendship report to my lady from Spike himself on the matter. It was one he learned following an incident where he had to repay Ms. Applejack for a life debt. "Is this about the dragon code?" I asked, realization dawning.
"Yes. I owe you my life, humha shuru, so I gotta repay you by serving you for the rest of your natural-born life." She said, looking worryingly cheerful about the prospect. It was almost word-for-word for the dragon code Spike had quoted. Almost. I recall Spike's words were 'my natural-born life', not 'your'.
A random dragon working as a chef on a railway dining car suddenly declared herself my lifelong servant. Surely this deserved some comment. I exercised my unparalleled command of language and said absolutely nothing. My companions echoed my profound comment.
All except for the young fire extinguisher mare. "Um, you saved my life too." She said, looking up at me. "Thank you for that, by the way. But does that mean I have to call you 'master' too?"
"I am many things. But my friends mostly call me Butler," I said, my mind still rather occupied. Dragons tend to take up a lot of space.
"Coco Pommel." She said in reply. "Um, my name, that is. I'd get you lunch as thanks, but..." She glanced about the ruined kitchen.
"You don't happen to have anymore mares stored away in that pantry, do you?" Sunrise asked, in between pouts.
“I don’t think so. I checked and double checked the inventory before we left, Nanoyo,” Garnet said.
"Better! There's coffee!" Dark Side squeed as she sank her teeth into an intact bag of coffee lying in one corner of the pantry.
"I can get you all something when we get there. At least we're not too far from Fillydelphia now," Coco Pommel said. "What else can go wrong between here and there, right?" She wondered out loud with a nervous smile.
We all turned and gave her a long, slow look. She tilted her head to one side, treating us to an expression of doe-eyed cluelessness. "I-I'm sorry?" She offered another of her prompt apologies.
The train seemed to join in accentuating our situation by giving us a fierce jolt. Ditzy's daughter gave a loud squeak, burying herself against her mother.
"Ms. Ditzy, how much time do we have left?" I asked.
"Eight more minutes," Ditzy said, almost immediately.
"The royal guard are on the case," Spitfire reported. She had one of the newfangled EverLink™ military-grade crystal radio earpieces in one ear, likely courtesy of her position as a Wonderbolt. "The airborne unit following us weren't able to attempt a boarding because of the tunnels in between Fillydelphia and Saddleturn. But the ground unit ahead of us are rerouting us into Fillydelphia shipyards to buy us more time and, worse case scenario, crash the train into the ocean."
"That's an extra 4 minutes," Ditzy quickly calculated. "But we won't be crashing into the ocean. The bend at the shipyard junction will send the train flying off the tracks at this speed."
Spitfire's eyes widened perceptibly at this. "There's a school and a lot of houses there."
"Not for long if we don't do something," Lyra said, biting her lip.
Amidst all this Garnet and Coco Pommel's expressions turned from puzzlement to worry. They obviously didn't know till just then. I couldn't blame them. Being on fire has a profound effect on one's attention span.
"Ms. Ditzy, I know you've just been through a lot, but could I please trouble you to fly ahead to the engine and see what you can do?" I asked the gray pegasus. "I'll be right behind you. We're only one carriage away from the engine."
"Sure I can." Ditzy nodded with a smile. "Dinky, stay with this nice stallion and his foals, alright?" She said to her daughter, softly, nodding at Sunrise and Dark Side. Sunrise was still glaring daggers at me, pout now reaching critical mass. Dark Side was... busy impaling the bag of coffee on Lyra's horn from behind. Worse yet, she succeeded in ripping the bag open. Her triumph lasted until Lyra helpfully pointed out it was decaf.
I couldn't help but wonder what confidence this inspired in Ditzy. Whatever it was seemed lost upon her daughter.
"But, mommy..." The little dawn-lilac unicorn filly protested, fidgeting nervously.
"Sshh, Mommy promises she'll be back as soon as we've helped stop this train at the station. Remember what mommy said about our new home, right?" Ditzy whispered.
"Yes, mommy." The filly whimpered, quietly.
"Good filly." Ditzy gave her a soft kiss on the forehead before pushing her towards Sunrise and Dark Side. "Please keep her company, alright?" She asked, nicely.
"Oh?" Sunrise paused her glaring, pout quickly deflating. "Yes, Ms. Pegasus." She nodded at Ditzy, giving her daughter a poster-filly smile.
"Ms. Garnet, please do me a favour." I turned to the dragon. "Please fly with Ms. Ditzy and keep her safe. It's unlikely, but whoever did this to the train might still be up there at the engine."
"Sure thing, master. Nanoyo," Garnet nodded.
"And somewhere in between climbing out of the wreckage and surviving Monday, we're going to have to talk about... all that." I added, quickly. I had more important priorities at the time, such as ignoring Spitfire's dark scowl. I had sent two other fliers ahead, purposely leaving her out. But I couldn't in good conscience risk a repeat of that last episode.
Spitfire, however, seemed to think otherwise, for she made to follow after Ditzy and Garnet. "Ms. Spitfire, I'm afraid that wouldn't be wise," I said, stepping in her way. I did my best to avoid eyeing her injured right wing.
"Look." She gave me a pointed look. "I owe you. But I'm no dragon. Saving my life doesn't make you the boss of me." She said, coolly.
"Ms. Spitfire, you are quite possibly the best flier in Equus. But take it from someone who makes it his business to care for alicorns; there are times when even alicorns shouldn't fly." I said, reproachfully. "A good flier can fly. A great flier knows when not to."
She gave me a scathing in reply look but thankfully did not follow Ditzy and Garnet any further.
Her look did not compare to my lady's when she fluttered up in front of me, motioning me aside for a moment. I spared the rest of the group a quick glance. They had all made their way to the end of the dining carriage to join Octavia and Iron Will who had planned on opening the door. Except Iron Will was sitting against the wall again, looking seven different shades of sick. Octavia was hoofing him a bottle of water. It looked like they might be a while.
I could trust my lady to be economical with what precious time we had (unlike me). "How can I help you, my lady?" I asked in a low whisper.
My lady only sighed at this as she gave me a long, hard look. "I know what it is you're doing. And I need not impress upon you how ridiculously foalish you've been." She said in a low whisper, such that only I could hear her. "I know how... apprehensive you are inside. It is making you do rash and foalish things." She carefully avoided calling it 'fear'. A gentleman is never afraid, a gentleman is simply 'concerned' at most.
"Perhaps." I conceded. "But there are more worrying things. Like full pantries, made beds and sheer boredom." Equestria is a worrying place to be a human, even of the gentleman variety. But even then, there is nothing more concerning than losing my... no, it did not even bear considering. I would not be swept aside so easily when they need me most.
Not again.
"This is about those previous incidents, isn't it?" She asked with a frown. Something on my face must have given me away as she quickly went on. "We've been over this. The changelings, Luna, Discord, Tirek; none of that was your fault." My lady placed her forehooves on my temples, locking my gaze with her own. "I'm sorry. This whole knight captain appointment, I should have given it more careful consideration... before all this. I should have been more considerate before putting such pressures on you," she whispered, bitterly, wearing a pained look.
I felt a pang inside. Hurt because she regretted her decision. Guilt because she was right. I am no fighter, even by human standards. By Equestrian standards I was more helpless than a foal. And in their direst moments, when my princesses needed help the most, it had not come from me. If anything, they would always be the ones protecting me.
Knight Captain indeed.
Sure it was just a title, something to help me keep my place by my lady's side in six month's time. But could I not live up to the title, even a little bit?
"Regardless, getting you two off a train should be within my considerable skills." I tried to wave her concerns away. "I shall persuade this train to stop. Failing that I shall annoy it into doing so."
My lady sighed, shaking her head in defeat. "Very well. We'll talk about this at length when we get back," she said, looking deep into my eyes. "Remember, the two of us insisted on coming today. We would have come whether you liked it or not. And I know you'll carry on risking your neck for us no matter what I tell you. So at least let us help you, my little human."
I could only smile at my lady's overprotective thoughtfulness. "I know, Sunrise." I gave her a comforting pat on the head. "Push comes to shove, you two may unleash all fifty flavours of alicorn on the train. But until then, stay hidden. As far as everyone's concerned, you two are just two little fillies on the wrong day trip."
We made the rest of our way over towards the front of the carriage in silence. Iron Will had managed to get back onto his hooves and had ripped out the door to the dining car. The group were already starting on the door to the last carriage. Ditzy and Garnet didn't waste a moment taking off. And not a moment too soon. The surrounding landscape had morphed from rolling countryside and farms into urban suburbs. It wouldn't be long until we hit the city proper. Literally.
I reached the next carriage's door just as Iron Will ripped the last door off its hinges. In my hurry I simply strode through the open doorway. I didn't get very far. My progress met a lamentably accurate punch. If this were a pony punch, my succession would have probably been blown to kingdom come. Never have I been more thankful to encounter a gryphon instead, for they punch just a tad higher. My gut, however, failed to share my sentiment. "Ugh," was my intelligent reply as I doubled over, the wind blown out of me. But before I could recover, a claw bearing a suite of pointy talons grabbed hold of me by my collar and pulled me inside, slamming me bodily onto the floor.
Before I could even let out a cry, the same set of talons were already at my throat, pinning me to the floor. "Before I pinch you..." A pair of fiery golden eagle eyes glared down at me. "...any last words?"
"Oh yes, I would like a few hours to recite the entirety of the Extended Equestrian Encyclopedia of Explosive Expletives verbatim, if that's al—" I felt the talons tighten noticeably. "Alright, alright, something brief. How about: 'Behind you?’"
My lady once wrote in her very personal and very secret diary that I have problems appreciating personal space. I beg to differ on that sentiment. I very much appreciate personal space, especially my own, particularly when uncomfortably sharp talons are encroaching upon certain luxuries I enjoy; having a head, for instance.
I was on the wrong side of a griffin, a minor setback I quickly sought to rectify. "Behind you," I said, making use of the oldest trick in the book.
"Oldest trick in the book. You take me for a dweeb, Steelborn?!" The griffin barked in my face, talons remaining a stubborn distraction to my life.
"I only take ladies. And only the dry ones," I replied, flicking out a handkerchief and dabbing the spit off my face. "They, however, might be less discriminating," I stated with a nod at the shadow looming behind her. Let it not be said that I am not fair in giving chances. I allowed her a chance to receive the insult to the face rather than to her behind.
"Why...?!" Sunrise demanded in a high-pitched squeak. "...Can't we all be friends?!" She cried out against all the disharmony in the world.
"Decaf at thee!" Dark Side's own battlecry was a tad less moral, but just as fearsome. A pair of little pegasus fillies flew a decaffeinated bombing run upon the griffin. The griffin turned to face them, moving to raise her free claw against them. Her free claw, however, turned out to be not so free, my handkerchief knotting it neatly to the armrest of the nearest seat. The hapless bombee could only look around to receive a faceful of decaf. She reeled back with a pained screech as she fought to shake the taste of Saddle Arabian roast out of her eyes. I just about spied out Ditzy's daughter giving the two pegasus fillies a smug smile, seemingly proud of the plan she brewed as she hoof-bumped the two pegasus fillies.
"Lock-on," a chilly voice intoned. Before she could recover, the griffin's face quickly became intimately acquainted with four flying hooves, courtesy of a cerulean-green pegasus mare sporting a windswept lightning-yellow mane. The griffin was sent flying into an empty seat, smashing its backrest into toothpicks before slamming resoundingly against the wall. "Shutdown," the pegasus huffed, spinning backwards out of the flying kick.
Dark Side and Sunrise quickly pulled me back up by my shoulders, wings fluttering with the effort. I straightened up in time to get a good look at the green pegasus mare as she landed awkwardly on four bandaged legs, one of which was splinted. This mare's impressive collection of bandages made Egyptian mummies look the very picture of health.
"What happened to you?" Lyra asked, eyeing the cerulean-green pegasus' veritable bandage-based fashion statement. "Got into a fight with a toilet roll?"
"I don't remember horseapples," the pegasus mare spat, scowling out of one bruised eye, her other hidden under a tightly-bound bandage covering most of her head. "But the feeling of my hoof on ugly here feels familiar." She pointed a hoof at the griffin. "I think I'm gonna beat her some more until I remember." Her wings flared aggressively.
"I didn't think you'd be up to a round two, seeing as I broke all the hooves you can count with, dweeb." The griffin growled, picking herself up and flaring her own wings. "And who you callin' 'ugly'?!" She demanded.
"Can we put aside the question of your ugliness for a moment, dear?!" An alabaster earth pony wearing a telltale nursing cap rushed out to place herself in between the two. "You, you just lost your memories and all your front teeth to a fist," she barked, pointing a hoof at the pegasus. "I'm about to lose what's left of my temper." She gestured at herself. "And you...!" She rounded on the griffin, "...will lose more than just my tolerance if you as much as lift another feather against my patients!"
"You and what army, dweebster?" The griffin demanded, pulling herself back up to her full impressive height, looming at least a head above the little earth pony. "I'll show you. It's not faces that make ponies ugly, it's my fist!"
The earth pony's brilliant sapphire-blue eyes only hardened in response as she stood her ground, her candy-pink mane and tail practically bristling. Her bravado, however, only earned herself a violent shove from the griffin, sending her staggering backwards. "Where is this train headed anyway? Loserville?!" The griffin demanded as she reared up, talons bearing down on the earth pony.
In one quick stride, I had placed myself in her way. While I do not fancy making a macabre mess on the floor, I am not one to raise my hand against a... born eligible of the opposite sex.
My pants, however, were more than willing to raise something else. Without any warning, an explosive bouquet of red roses burst forth from my loins and struck the griffin in the face with all the force of the most flowery hip-thrust ever. It even blew the grandfather of all raspberries, hitting her a baboon of times in the face before exploding in a violent shockwave of roses, sending her flying back in a shower of flagrant petals.
"Fifty five hits! The fun hath been comboed!" Dark Side declared, wings fluttering with glee.
"Whoops. Wrong spell." Lyra gave a stifled laugh from somewhere behind me, her horn glowing tellingly. I was far too afraid to ask her what the right spell would have achieved.
"New skill unlocked!" Dark Side yipped again, helpfully. "Rose Prick Kick!"
"That wasn't a kick," Sunrise pointed out, though she still seemed to be in a state of bewildered shock. "What in my sister's mooning, pray tell, was that?!"
"Well then," I said, for want of something to say, "I believe that, while this is not quite appropriate for the Savoy, I do seem to have a mighty boutonniere of blossoms to... err... hand. And while I am not one to menace the less-gentlemanly, I am not above offering flowers indiscriminately." I aimed a warning hip thrust at the griffin. "Are you alright?" I turned to the earth pony as Lyra helped her up onto her hooves.
"As long as you don't try and propose to me too, darling," she chuckled, nodding at the rather fearsome floret I sported. "I like a little assertiveness in my colts, but not when it pokes me in the eye."
"Prude," Lyra smirked, taking a bite out of the bounteous bouquet. "You're missing out," she said through a mouthful of rose petals. I was not entirely sure what to think of that. But I know what to do with flowers. With all the airiness of plucking flowers from a fertile garden, I drew my posy of blooms and handed it to my lady. From her squee of surprise, I could tell she was already enjoying the extra fibre. Dark Side must have been hungry too for I spied her eyeing her sister with seemingly envious eyes. Hmmm, I should wrap up our business ere tea time for their sake.
"Oho, I'm sure," the earth pony chortled once again. "Thank you for the rescue. But do try and be more original next time, dears. I like my surprises." She gave us a little wink. "I'm Red Heart, by the way."
"And I'm pleasantly mystified," I admitted, buttoning up my inheritance discretely. "But in my spare time I'm mostly a Butler."
The downed griffin was halfway to picking herself up when Spitfire bore down upon her like the very element of rage. "Guess what? Loserville called and rejected your feathery rump! This train's taking you to Tartarus, and I'm the devil pony's sergeant! You want a hen-flockin' army, flamingo-fodder?! You want a preening and a muffin-scented orgy with the princesses too while you're at it?!" The loud, booming drill-sergeant voice of one Spitfire practically bowled over the griffin. Both Dark Side and Sunrise were much too shell-shocked to even balk at her suggestion.
"Well you don't even meet the minimum horseapples restriction to sniff my tailwind! How in Luna's dark moongasms were you even misbegotten?! I didn't know they made horseapples your shape! Did your mother mistake your sorry brown mess for an egg?!" The pegasus commander barked, flaming yellow wings flared angrily as she backed the shocked griffin against the wall. "You still want that army, hen-pecker? After I'm done with you, the only army you're getting is a taxidermy!" Spitfire roared, practically leaning over the griffin in her incandescent rage, despite being at least a head and a set of talons shorter.
"Goooood puuun!" Lyra gasped in awe. "I'm sorry, Coco. I think she may have replaced you as my new favourite companion." She whispered aside to Coco. "By the way, still got any fire extinguishers handy? Cause I smell a lot of burn." The smallish earth pony was quick to shake her head fearfully.
"Be brave, me," I thought I heard the little earth pony whisper. "Uh...umm..." Coco shifted uneasily as she took a deep breath. "M-Manehattan City Royal Guard! Y-you're also under arrest for assault, battery and disrupting harmony!" She suddenly declared at the top of her little voice, pointing a shaky hoof at the griffin. "B-by the power vested in me as volunteer lance constable to the crowns, I am h-hereby... um... taking you... into... guard custody...! If... that's alright?" Her voice trailed off into a whimper as she wilted under the griffin's glare. "I-I e-even h-have a badge to prove it." She squeaked, reaching a hoof into her saddlebags and shakily pulling out a shiny little special constable badge. She shook so much she fumbled the badge in her hooves. "Eee! Eeeee!" She squeaked, flailing to catch the badge with both forehooves, only to fall forwards onto her face. "Owww...." She gave a muffled little groan into the floor. I was quick to offer her a hand.
"You have the right to remain ugly! Your face and everything ugly about it can and will be used against you in the court of law! We accept bribes in donuts and coffee!" Dark Side shouted carefreely and in an attempt to help. "Was that right?" She asked aside to Coco as the volunteer officer slowly got onto her hooves with my help.
"You were an officer all along?" Lyra blinked in disbelief. "Uh... I'm sorry!" She suddenly blurted out. "I did it for love, honest!" The rest of us, in a surprising show of wisdom, chose to ignore that.
"You don't scare...." The griffin began as she struggled to gather herself off the floor.
"By my flamingly flagrant fetlocks, it talks!" Spitfire bore down on the griffin once more. "If I wanted the putrescent pigeon poop out of your toilet-beak, I'd squeeze your head like a whoopee cushion! Except I can't even tell which side is your front without a shovel! You think you're big for pushing over a nurse?! Well that dashing hunk who stood up for her just made you look like a breezie runt's droppings in comparison! And that's me being the flockin' element of generosity! Cause when the long hoof of the law finally puts your sorry feather duster in the slammer, you'll wish it was still me breaking your lack-of-balls!"
"After all you backstabbing ponies have done to me..." The griffin growled, "...you're not putting me in jail for wanting out of this death trap! I have nothing to do with you ponies! I want nothing to do with you ponies!" She declared angrily.
"Yeah, you're not going to jail. Cause you're going six feet under my hooves!" The teal green mummy-pegasus behind us growled, pushing her way past us.
Nurse Red Heart didn't seem to agree as she pulled the pegasus back with a forehoof. "You just lost all your memories from that concussion. And you want to fight her again?" She barked.
"I don't remember that!" The pegasus shot back.
"My point exactly!" Red Heart snapped. "How much more brain do you want to lose before you're satisfied?!"
"Hating. Her. Is. All. I. REMEMBER!" The pegasus barked, punctuating her words with violent shoves against the earth pony. But there is a reason why we speak of earth pony strength. Red Heart barely budged, her expression more one of weary exasperation than actual worry.
"Just a moment," the nurse said, deftly flattening the struggling pegasus against the floor with one expert twist of a forehoof. The pegasus gave a cry, more of protest than pain, as she gave a futile struggle against the one hoof on her shoulder blades pinning her down. "There. Now, where were we? Arresting somepony?" Red Heart asked.
What would my lady do in this situation? I gave her a quick glance. She peered over the top of her generous bouquet of flowers back at me, her gaze unreadable. Hmmm, she is undoubtedly trusting in my judgement as her trusted aide. I prepared myself to channel my lady, at least those bits of her that she does not share with a sweet-seeking missile.
I had to resist quipping at the griffin with a well-placed 'gotcha'. "No." I shook my head, pulling out my badge of office and holding it out for all to see. "As an agent of the crown, I am writing off that arrest as a caution. Let her fly away."
"Huh, why?" Spitfire frowned. "She tried to rip your head off. Hay, she's probably got a feather in this mess! And she's ugly!" She argued, quite persuasively.
"Granted, I am a lot more conservative with my shaving," I nodded, feeling gratefully aware of having a neck to nod with. "Being ugly is one thing, but being overzealous with my haircut is hardly deserving of having one's sanctity being violated by a train. There is no capital punishment under my ladies' rule. To preserve life and harmony is the crown's chief concern." Sunrise and Dark Side nodded approvingly. "Besides, I wouldn't rush to condemn someone for acting out of fear." There are those who can claim to know not fear. I have had the great fortune of not only knowing it but having a great drinking relation with it.
"I can vouch for her," Red Heart said, surprisingly. "She's been stuck in here with us this whole time."
"I'm not afraid!" The griffin protested, giving me a glare that threatened to perm my hair. "I'd rather do time than be forgiven by ponies!" She gave Red Heart a dirty look. "Or pitied!"
"Very well. If you'd rather do time, then I'm more than happy to oblige." I gave her my best stern look, sharpened and honed by years of staring disapprovingly at the sun. Judging by her perceptible flinch, the effect was not lost upon the griffin. "You can serve the crown and its subjects, starting by helping us stop this train."
"Wait, wha...?" The griffin gave pause, her mind seemingly finally catching up with her mouth.
"Don't make me clean out your ears with your own rear, recruit!" Spitfire barked her into line. "Or is that cowardice I smell blocking up your ears?!"
"I'm not afraid!" The griffin protested, indignant. "Fine. I'll show you, steelborn." She shot me yet another dark look.
"I'm sure you will." I gave her an unimpressed look, before turning to Coco. "I'm sorry for that, Officer Pommel. I will make sure to put in a good word of your steadfast action to the princesses, however."
"Th-that's alright," Coco squeaked, her voice barely a whisper.
"Now, let's move on quickly." I looked over at the door to the next compartment. Octavia and Iron Will had moved swiftly onwards, ignoring the whole hullabaloo to inspect the door to the next compartment. "Miss Red Heart, you should probably stay here with your patient?" I suggested to the nurse.
"If you're going through that door then you're going to need me, darling." Red Heart said, nodding over at the door to the next compartment. Octavia had opened it without any trouble at all.
"An open door! Finally, fortune calls!" Dark Side declared, excitedly.
"It got the wrong number, I expect." I eyed the darkness beyond suspiciously. The culprit is so thorough in locking and enchanting everything here I am surprised it was still possible to undo my trousers. For him to neglect the last door before the engine; it was unthinkable.
"Everypony here had gone through there to get to the engine. They never came back," Red Heart warned, confirming my fears. That would explain how this passenger compartment was empty save the three-way Appleloosan standoff. "I stayed to tend to Lightning Dust here after her kindergarten spat with the griffin turned into a poke-fest. You can see who won," she explained.
"I did! Featherbrain there can't see it; she feels it!" The pegasus, apparently named 'Lightning Dust', was quick to declare. Coming from the mummified pegasus under the nurse's hoof, it sounded as convincing as Discord on April Fools.
"I beat the clawful of brains you had out of you, dweeb! How would you know?!" The griffin pointed out, heatedly. "And I have a name. It's Gilda!"
"Excellent! My feather duster has a name! I need it as much as I need a wooden lightning rod!" Spitfire barked. "Now keep it moving, you two-bit horseshoe polish!"
"But what about the pegasus?" I asked, nodding at Lightning Dust. "Surely we should spare a thought for the infirm of body...and possibly mind?"
Lightning's mind was elsewhere, obviously, in more ways than one. She was still staring daggers at the griffin out of her one good eye. "I'm not stopping until I see her under a tombst-..." The pegasus paused, eyes suddenly locked with my own. "You!"
"I will concede that was an accurate description of me." I raised an eyebrow. "What of it?"
"I remember you...." Lightning frowned, cocking her head to one side.
"Are you sure you want to do that?" Octavia asked. Hmm, have I gone a snark too far with poor Octavia to earn me her ire?
"Well, that's a first," Lyra chuckled. "Most days he's just another somepony in the crowd."
"But where from?" Lightning's frown turned into a wince of pain as she clutched her temples with her hooves. "Ugh... need... to remember!"
"Need to cut your trip down memory lane short before the train does it for us," Lyra said.
"Well, I only remember two, and one of them I'd like to remember as an epitaph. You're not going without me until I figure out what I want to do with you," she pointed a hoof at me.
"That will not take long at all," Octavia quipped.
"Yes, I take tips in bits and cute," I said, joining Octavia at the door.
"A-are you s-sure about this?" Coco asked, eyeing the open door and the darkness within worriedly.
"Are we sure to die otherwise?" Octavia retorted, eyebrow cocked. "It looks like a cargo hold of some description," she said, squinting into the gloom beyond the door.
"The walls here have been enchanted with a soundproofing spell," Lyra said, nodding at the telltale glowing skull and crossbones glyphs on the inside of the next compartment. "How... disquieting."
"Certainly a trap." Octavia nodded, seemingly unperturbed by Lyra's pun. "Lyra, why don't you go first?" Correction, she probably was.
"I... I pity the foal who thinks any little room can... ugh... contain Iron Will... ulp... though Iron Will will need a bin to contain something else..." Iron Will groaned, staggering a little with a big beefy hand over his snout. It would appear we wouldn't be able to rely on our minotaur friend to smash through whatever was inside.
An ominous screeching noise filled the air. The train suddenly jolted violently, just as we were gathering around the doorway to peer into the gloom. The explosive lurch launched all of us flying and tumbling over each other into the very darkness beyond. And just to compound the insult, the door slammed, hitting a veritable number of backsides including my own.
The door took with it the last shred of light, plunging us all into pitch black darkness. The train continued to shudder and jostle us mercilessly, throwing us every which way in the dark.
"Okay. Who's not dead? Sound off!" Spitfire ordered.
"Lyra! What did you do?!" Octavia demanded.
"That wasn't me!" Lyra was quick to deny.
"I can't feel my hoof!" Coco's panicked voice filled the darkness.
"That one's mine, dear," Red Heart said calmly. "So is that one."
"I've got hands!" Lyra cried, excitedly.
"That's Iron Will's. Get your own," Iron Will muttered.
"Fine, stingy!" Lyra muttered. "Let me get some light in here." Her horn lit up, casting a sphere of golden light around her. "Now we can see—HNYAAAAH!" Her scream filled the gloom.
"What?! What is it?!" Gilda's voice demanded.
"I think... it's a pony..." Lyra whispered, breathlessly. She stood transfixed, staring right into the eyes of a statue standing at the very edge of her circular pool of light. It was the most lifelike statue I had ever seen, without question. In fact, in the glow, the statuesque stallion almost seemed to be... breathing?
Oh, he is.
And he wasn't alone. There were at least four others visible within Lyra's sphere of light. All of them wore frozen expressions of abject horror, mouths wide open in silent screams. They look as if they've been...
"Scared Stiff," Red Heart muttered, her voice grim.
"There's Black Joke in here," Sunrise whispered. "I can smell it."
"What's that?" Spitfire asked, lowering her voice.
"A plant created by a deadly meeting of Discord's Plunderseeds and Blue Joke," Lyra explained. "It plays for screams rather than laughs. If you scream, you are frozen in terror until somepony else wins a game against it."
"W-what do we do?" Coco asked, already trembling.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" A high-pitched screech filled the darkness, almost setting everyone else off. We realized a moment later it was Gilda's. Her body, stiff as rock, collapsed heavily into the edge of Lyra's circle of light. Her expression was locked into one of stricken horror.
A good while before maids and trains came into my life...
It was with a cold sweat and a burning red blush that Luna woke up in bed that particular twilight. She quickly curled up into a protectively little ball, magically drawing her blanket around her like a turtle shell. "Who goes there? Thou who watcheth Us from the shadows with such lasciviously desirous eyes, come hither and face Us like a pony!" She demanded, ears twitching nervously under her blanket. She peered out from beneath her covers at her royal bedroom. The television set and her super nintendo console stood impassive in one corner. Pieces of what was once a radio lay scattered across her coffee table. A tall, handsome gentleman stood at her balcony, peering up at the moon through an ornate brass telescope. Her fireplace sat empty, though the air was already warm enough to do without it. And her collection of potted night lilies and moon roses stood vigilant by her window sill. There was no sign of the sinister interloper who had so brazenly bothered her slumber. And yet she knew somepony was watching her closely, and with such....such dark wicked intentions no less! She could feel the tingling over every inch of her skin as its stalking gaze swept across her broad....
"Butler! Enough conversing with thyself, especially with thy wayward narrative. Thy princess commands it! Now, we say!" She snapped, pointing a hoof at me.
"Now now, it is unbecoming to be jealous of whomsoever I converse with." I chided goodnaturedly from the relative safety of her room's private balcony. "But if you insist, I have other means to occupy my abundant attentions." I said without peeling my eye from the considerably endowed telescope I had aimed at the moon that was then just hovering at the cusp of the horizon, waiting patiently for Luna's guidance. "I shall be with you shortly, Luna, once I have very thoroughly lavished my excess attentions upon every deep canyon and budding peak upon yonder moon." I slowly swept the telescope across the moon's exquisite surface, earning me a sudden gasp from the pony princess in the bed behind me. I could practically feel the ticklishness radiate off my lunar goddess as I slowly and deliberately took in every intimate detail of that lofty celestial body.
"A-ah! Butler! Stop this tomfoolery at once-...AHAH!" Luna cried, her ticklishness getting the better of her. Her sensitivity was the stuff of obscure legend, now a closely and jealously guarded secret. If secrets had a secret nation, this would be one of its state secrets. "T'is only 6 o'clock! Tia may go raise yon moon in Our stead! Our sleep shall be doubled, so thy princess decrees!" She buried herself under her blanket once more, curling up like the world's fluffiest armadillo.
"Except my responsibilities are to the state and the natural order of Equestria itself." I replied, simply. There is some truth in that. The rising of the moon, the ebb and flow of the life-giving tide, the love-filled serenades and rampant debauchery to be made by moonlight, and, most importantly, the moon not crashing into the sun, all relies upon my most winning personality. "Now, where is that dial...?" I wondered out loud.
"Thou....thou wouldn't dare!" She balked. "Thy bluff hath been called!"
"Dare to do what, precisely?" I asked, innocently. I turned the magnification dial on the telescope, bringing more intimate details into sharp focus.
"Ahah! Nay! Butler, not so close!" The fluffy ball on the bed squeaked, squirming most exquisitely.
"As you wish, my princess." I nodded, obediently turning the dial back. "Oh, the dial is stuck..." I frowned as a satisfying click told me the dial was jammed right where I had quite lamentably neglected to oil it for oh so long. "One moment, Luna." I said, turning the magnification dial forwards and backwards repeatedly in a valiant effort to loosen the dial.
"AH! AAAAH!" The blanket-ball on the bed squeaked as it received the astronomical equivalent of a barrage of raspberries to the belly. "Pray, Butler, stay thyself! Stay, We say! Ahah! Ahahahah!" She pleaded, desperately. "We're up! We're up, We say!"
"Very good, my princess." I unstuck the dial with practiced ease and clasped the lens cover over the telescope. I noticed my princess relax quite visibly at that. I ran a fond finger over an engraved plate upon the telescope. It was inscribed in ancient Equestrian, dating all the way back to the unification days. 'So you may always keep her company, old friend', it read.
I heard a thump from behind me. I turned to find the bundled up blanket on the floor. Quite inexplicably, it rolled across the carpeted floor away towards the bedroom door. The bundle gave a little yelp as it hit the door frame. It quickly reversed before adjusting its aim for the door. This time it succeeded in making its escape out of the bedroom and into the corridor outside.
Silence fell, punctuated only by a few tutting crickets. I couldn't help but agree with them. This was indeed awkward.
"Hmm, sheet." Was my eloquent contribution as I leapt into action, skidding out into the hall close on the runaway blanket's heels. But this was no ordinary blanket. It was an alicorn blanket. Sensing my approach, it somehow sped up, turning into a veritable speed demon. It was all I could do to keep up with my rapid gentlemanly strides as I chased it across the royal apartments.
The runaway blanket made a loud screeching noise as it rounded a corner, leaving burn-marks in the antechamber carpets before smashing out the double doors into the royal apartments.
An entire gallery of royal guards slowly turned their heads to peer at me and the blanket curiously.
"Just....airing the blankets." I said offhandedly, settling into a more sedate pace behind the blanket as it rolled on down the gallery. "Did you just get a hooficure, Silver Striker? Very nice." I said, casually, earning myself a smile and a thank you from one of the stallions. Most of the guards have long since gotten used to 'that queer human's oddities' to even balk at a mere runaway blanket. I understand it is still tradition amongst them to prank the new recruits by assigning them to 'guard that carnivorous monster the princesses keep as a pet'.
The blanket somehow sensed the corner to the next corridor approaching as it sped up. I broke into a power-walk as I aimed to cut it off. But no, it eluded me once more as it somehow skilfully skid around the corner without losing an inch of speed. I leapt into yet another sprint after it, drifting most elegantly around the corner, determined not to be outrun by the likes of the laundry.
A familiar form came into view as we sped down the corridor. "Oh, Butler, just the chap!" The mismatched form of a certain draconequus asked from where he lounged idly in a bowl of fruit. "Care to join me for a night cap?" Discord asked, holding a bauble-tipped night cap out to catch some of his signature chocolate rain pouring out of a papaya.
While nothing would gladden my heart more than to see the lord of chaos bowled over by a blanket, I was not quite merciless enough to abandon him to the whims of an alicorn blanket. "Watch yourself! Runaway blanket!" I warned.
"You know you could just as easily say 'no'. Runaway blanket indeed." He huffed, indignantly. Then he noticed the blanket roll past him. "Great Scot! They come at last!" He cried, before turning to his night cap. "What did they put in this?" He asked the chocolate milk within. "Whatever it is, I need more."
We thankfully left Discord behind as we rounded into my lady's open air observation deck, the Solaria. The blanket only picked up speed as it zoomed straight for the edge of the Solaria's pegasus landing platform, aiming for a 10 floor straight drop into the gardens below.
"No!" I grit my teeth as I leapt for the blanket just as it cleared the edge. I caught the hem with the tip of my gloved hand. But instead of anchoring the runaway blanket, I only added extra baggage; Me. I found myself dragged after it as together we flew clear of the edge and out into the crisp night air.
Fierce headwind rushed by as together we fell to our doom. As I considered my impending end I could not help but worry that I have yet to put away they key to the refrigerator in the royal treasury. That my mortality should get in the way of my lady's diet, oh the shame.
But like all my expectations, even my ruminations upon my doom were quickly dashed. I felt a sudden lurch. My stomach almost eluded me as we suddenly ascended. I looked up and found the blanket unravelled, now wound securely over a certain midnight-blue alicorn's withers. I dangled beneath her at the blanket's mercy like a butler flying a glider, the most adorable glider ever.
We leveled out into a serene cruise above the royal gardens. With a gentle tip of one wing my princess banked southwards towards the magnificent sprawling city hugging the mountain beneath the palace. The gentle night breeze ruffled her lustrous mane as she aimed a smug smile down at me. "Hahah! A successful egress! Thy princess declares victory! How many points doth We receive?!" Luna declared, triumphantly.
I could only give her a sigh and a smile in reply. "How about all the hay-toast you can eat for breakfast?" I offered.
"Hay toast?!" She gasped in mock horror. "When We are half-way to good, honest commoner fare down at yonder peddler of ring-shaped floury goodness?" She demanded, pointing a hoof down at Donut Joe's donut eatery.
"Well, I'm not sure..." I began, before I was cut off by an upside down face, big watery eyes peering deep into my own. Quivering lips promised naught but whiny pouty doom should I dare suggest breakfast be even remotely ring-less.
"Butleeeer." She whined, "Come now! It will be like old times. You, me, the world! Together we can escape the palace, escape into the night, and...." She suddenly stopped herself, a dark look taking over her. "Apologies. Please forget We said anything." She muttered, her tone suddenly desultory and lost. We slowly banked away from the city, making to return to the palace.
"Actually, Luna..." I broke the awkward silence, "I have gift vouchers for two dozen donuts that Ms. Moonlight Sonata gave me the other day." I began.
"Why didn't thou revealest this sooner?!" Luna demanded, making a turn so sharp I felt the blood escape my head. "All thy donuts are belong to Us!" She declared excitedly as we headed straight for the donuts.
"The vouchers are only applicable after moonrise." I added, innocently.
"Butler, if thou wishes to stand by thy princess' side, thou must exercise the utmost alacrity in these matters." Luna sighed, swinging her horn at the horizon. With little effort she coaxed her celestial charge into the sky. It quickly rose over the shadow of the mountain, casting its silver glow all across the sprawling city below.
"Alacrity indeed, my lady." I agreed, solemnly, satisfied that the moon was now, indeed, up and rising.
"Verily, art thou satisfied with thy moonings?" Luna asked.
"Once I retrieve my telescope, perhaps." I said with a chuckle.
Much to my surprise, I didn't get a comeback immediately. For me to stump Luna's wit? I might as well find Twilight with an overdue book.
"You don't need that anymore." Luna finally said, the Canterlot edge to her voice shed, her tone suddenly mild and soft. "I'm right here." She gazed up at her moon, a strange determined glint in her eyes. "And I won't leave again. Ever."
"I know." I replied. "Because I would never let you, even if I must stash all the donuts in the world in the bowels of Canterlot Palace to lure you back."
"Do not tempt Us, Butler." Luna chuckled.
"Never, Luna." I gave her an innocent smile. "Oh, I hear Donut Joe is doing an 'All-You-Can-Sprinkle' night..." Before I could finish, I felt my heart leap into my throat as Luna practically dive-bombed the donut eatery with me in tow.
To her credit, even in her sugar-rush, she still had the presence of mind to drop me off first before going in for a landing. I landed neatly on my feet before the diner, quickly smoothing out my jacket where the draft had gotten to it. Powerful alicorn wings beat the air around me as my glider settled into a perfect four-point landing just beside me.
The entire street was, conveniently, empty. Well, save the four night guards, two at each end, who were there entirely by coincidence. They were also conveniently equipped with nice tight ear muffs and sworn to stare the other way.
"Wouldst thou accompany Us?" Luna asked me, practically bouncing on eager hooves.
"Please go on ahead, Luna." I opened the door to the diner for her. "I must take a moment to water my rose." I gestured at the rose gracing my jacket pocket.
"Do not cry if thou findest no sugary goodness left for thyself." Luna warned as she quickly leapt inside.
I watched her disappear behind the door before reaching to the rose and turning one of the petals halfway clockwise with a satisfying click. "Bat-face, this is Gentleman. Mooncheeks has entered the ring. I repeat, Mooncheeks has entered the ring." I said to the rose.
"This is Bat-Time-Story. Do get my codename right." My rose monotoned back at me, its voice crackly and distant. "And 'Gentleman'? Really, Bats?"
"Never mind that, Sona." I sighed, shaking my head. "Did you clear the diner?"
"You are asking me, Moonlight Sonata, night guard lieutenant, whether or not I have cleared a single diner?" The voice managed to scoff and deadpan at the same time. "Oh, by the way, Mooncheeks has just made contact with Sunflanks."
"Tia?! What art thou doing here?!" Luna's voice sailed out from within the eatery.
"I could ask you the same, Lulu sister. But alas, my mouth is full." The muffled voice of my lady replied.
"So I heard." I replied to the rose. "Mission success."
"Hoof Us yon ring-shaped pastry! Hoof it, We say!" Luna demanded.
"Well, almost." I winced. "We had better do something." I said to the rose.
There was a moment of thoughtful silence on the Rose's part. "I am not getting involved in that." It finally said. My support was quick to abandon me to my fate. "Peace be with you, Bats."
"Peace indeed." I sighed, taking a deep breath before stepping through the door. "For princess and country."
A lady's scream is a call of duty to gallant chivalry. A gentleman's scream, on the other hand, is either a call of surrender, a mating call, or sometimes both. Hence why gentlemen generally do not scream, at least not openly. We merely object, loudly and passionately if truly necessary, while keeping firm leashes upon our bladders. "A plan most capital. Keep a stiff upper lip, or have a rather stiff afternoon," I agreed.
"What I do with my upper lip is my business and mine alone," Octavia groused. Now she's just being contrary for the sake of it.
"Flock, I was supposed to do that!" Lightning Dust complained, giving Gilda's horror-stricken body a shove. "How'd it make her scream anyhow? Chip her nail or something?"
"It shapeshifted into her worst fear," Lyra answered in a soft whisper.
"So there's another me running around in the dark somewhere?" Lightning squinted into the gloom, seemingly ready to challenge herself to a fight if need be.
"Celestia forbid." Red Heart rolled her eyes.
"So, everypony, don't think of your worst fear," Lyra reiterated in a low whisper. "We don't want a runaway train crashing inside the runaway train. That'd be, like, weird."
I am not thinking of... no, do not think about her.
Hmm.
To my profound surprise, I quickly found that my mind had all the obedience and discipline of my lady before an all-you-can-eat cake buffet.
"Well, that's really easy now that you've told us not to!" Octavia gave a defeated sigh. It would appear I am not alone there.
"Ooops," Lyra chuckled, nervously. "Say, what are you scared of?" She asked Coco.
"Heartstrings, don't you dare!" Octavia growled.
"E-everything," Coco squeaked.
"That's alright then, dear. This train can't fit all that," Red Heart said, reassuringly. "I hope..."
"Dinky has an in-van-shun that can help." Ditzy's little daughter suddenly spoke up, much to our surprise. The little unicorn filly held up her solution, a roll of scotch tape, in one hoof. With her other she gestured at her demonstration model, Spitfire. The Wonderbolt captain wore an unimpressed look and a length of scotch tape wrapped about her muzzle like a very short maypole. "Dinky calls it the 'Shutter Upper'," Dinky proclaimed with a touch of pride. I suppose with an accident-prone mother like Ditzy, her daughter must have become quite the inventive little repair-filly, if a little overzealous.
"Mmmph." Spitfire gave her candid opinion of Dinky's solution.
"So if we can't scream, we can't lose. How absolutely clever, dear." Red Heart gave the little filly a nod of approval.
"You fixed her. Impressive," Octavia droned in mock-awe.
"MMMMMPPPPHH!!" Spitfire repeated, a touch louder. If we didn't know any better, we'd probably think she was screaming as she gazed out into the darkness, eyes wide in... ah, that is unmistakably horror. And without further ado, she keeled over sideways, face frozen in a rictus of terror.
Red Heart's ears drooped as she leaned down close to the pegasus, checking her over. "Scared stiff," she diagnosed, biting her lip.
"Great. Now there's more of me out there," Lightning sighed.
"I'll pass on the scotch, thanks," Lyra said to the rather-horrified Dinky. "Watch out, I can just about see it. It's reforming into something new!" She warned, taking a step back, taking her horn's golden glow with her.
"Who's the fool still thinking?!" Iron Will demanded. "Iron Will will fix that!"
"Not me. Empty brain, remember?" Lightning said quickly, obviously not a subscriber to the Iron Will school of reparation skills.
"Alright," Lyra grumbled, squinting into the gloom. A faint sickly yellow pool of light glowed amidst the sea of darkness just a few feet away. "Fess up. Who's afraid of Princess Celestia?" She demanded.
By all that is adorable and pony, it cannot be...
But denial was denied of me. There, rising out of the murkiness, was the splitting image of my lady, half of her lower body shrouded by darkness. Like death itself she approached, silently but surely.
"That...doesn't look like me," Lightning said. "But I am a tough act to follow."
"Why... why would anypony be afraid of me?" Sunrise whispered in disbelief.
"Why indeed?" Dark Side muttered.
I agree, why indeed. Unless of course... it was my greatest fear.
The apparition's eyes, glowing an ominous gold, locked with my own. Ghostly rivulets of pearly tears streamed down her cheeks. Her face, as soft and gentle as ever, was torn by that familiar expression of pain stoically borne.
It was a sight from a nightmare I knew all too well. It left no more doubts in my heart, only dread. This was indeed my own greatest fear.
I sighed as I straightened up. It was no easy feat with how heavy my heart weighed down upon my very being. But bear it I must, for it was my own folly to face. I slowly stepped forth towards the very incarnation of my worst nightmares.
"Hey, Blanks!" Lyra gasped, ears twitching with worry as she threw out a golden magic leash about my wrist. "What are you doing?!"
"It's alright," I said with considerable effort. The confidence in my voice felt alien to me with how far removed I felt from the very notion. "You see, this is my worst fear." And with a quiver, I reached a hand out for the ghostly apparition.
Just like the very horrors that haunt my sleep, that plague my very waking life, my dearest Celestia simply disappeared just inches beyond my grasp. My hand closed upon nothingness, leaving me just as empty and hollow. Just as I was before. Before she arrived in my life.
No. I was wrong. It's not alright. My lady! Celestia! NO! Please, not again!
Deepest, darkest memories surfaced against all rationality. My bastion of cold logic was helpless in shoring the storm of horrors that struck me to my core. I clawed desperately for even a pittance of sanity; This was base trickery, a mind game, just a hallucination, just a...
My lady... Celestia... is gone.
Just like Luna, she disappeared.
I knew it.
Ever since I lost Luna, I knew my lady, my Celestia, my dearest Tia, would be next.
And I would be powerless to stop it. Again.
It was but a matter of time. I knew I would not be able to bear it when it finally happened. We had already lost Lulu. If one of us were to lose the other, that would be the end.
And so I kept my distance. Even as she sat alone at night, raising Lulu’s prison into the sky, I kept my distance. She was afraid I blamed her for Lulu. I was afraid to lose her as we lost Lulu. And so we kept our distance.
And now she's gone.
And I did nothing.
No!
Don't take Tia away!
Take me instead!
Don't leave me alone!
Please don't!
Please!
The scream welled up.
I had to.
I must call for her. Before she's lost. Like Lulu.
My lungs swelled. My throat burned. I had to let it out. I must cry out for her, lest I explode.
I...
"I'm here."
A soft, sweet voice whispered in my ear, stifling my own.
No. It was too good to be true. She's gone. Just like Lulu. She's....
"I'm right here." The voice whispered again, soft as the dawn but with all the certainty of the rising sun.
Could it be? Dare I hope?
But she's gone. I'm alone again. She's in a place beyond my reach. And I'll never...
A pair of soft little hooves clasped about my shoulders like a solid anchor in my storm of despair.
"I'll always be here." Her voice reached out to me like a guiding hand in the dark.
"T-Tia...?" I whispered, calling out to her breathlessly.
"Yes, I'm with you," she whispered reassuringly. "So stay with me."
She hasn't been taken away. She's here. She's alright.
I'm alright.
A soft, peaceful warmth rose within me like my lady rising into the sky on Summer Sun’s Eve. A new sun enkindled within me, filling the bleak darkness with a comforting glow. A familiar old tune bloomed in my heart. I felt my very spirit sing the words to it. ’The Fire of Friendship lives in our hearts’.
A feeble flicker enkindled in the dark.
A solitary cherry-red flame burned, small yet strong,
Then, as suddenly as it appeared, it erupted across the entire room.
I was almost blinded by the sudden spark of light. Thick sinister vines that once curled about the walls and lanterns were consumed by the cheery blaze. The newly-liberated lanterns bathed the cargo compartment with light once more. All at once, the oppressive air about us lifted.
Luna once attempted to grow a sunflower with her moonlight alone, arguing that it would produce a 'moonflower' instead. The large dark flower at the centre of the thick lattice of thorny vines was probably what it would have looked like, except perhaps without the fangs and skeletal writhing petals. It gave a soft, frail screech as it withered and crumbled away in the soothing flames.
And that is why we do not walk on the grass.
And just as suddenly as it came to our rescue, the flames dissolved away into soft motes of light.
“Was...that supposed to happen?” Octavia whispered, gaping in awe at the soft shower of tinkling embers.
“I dunno. Never seen Black Joke defeated before.” Lyra whispered back, similarly awestruck.
I had an odd, nagging feeling that was not quite the orthodox way of weeding Black Joke. But then what do I know? My senses were only just returning from whatever hole they had crawled into, tut-tutting with disapproval like a nagging in-law. If I were anything but a gentleman I would have, colloquially speaking, given them the bird for abandoning me in my time of need. Instead, I simply accused them of the heinous crime of sanity. They retaliated by pulling my legs out from under me, sending me sinking slowly to my knees.
I found a little pegasus filly holding onto my front, little hooves wrapped in a tight embrace about my neck like her life depended on it. Or, rather, like mine depended on it.
Oh by all that is adorable and pony, my lady saw that, didn't she? She saw for herself my greatest fear, and it was an adorable pony princess with command over all things rainbow and glitter. Do I even have any face left to show at the gentleman's club at the Savoy ever again? More importantly, do I have any left for my lady?
"Are you alright?" She asked, her small, fluffy wings and tiny ears twitching apprehensively as she slowly peeked up at me, her brilliant lilac eyes brimming with concern. Her face broke into a furious blush as her eyes locked with mine. She struggled to look away, except all she really had was a choice between my irresistible visage or my broad unyielding chest. It would appear the awkwardness was not one sided.
Her question, however, demanded pause. Am I alright? I feel like I had left 'alright' at home, a deathly train ride away. But my lady, thoughtful as always, packed me all the 'alright' I needed, and then some.
"U-uh, Butl-... uh... d-daddy, what are you doing?" The little filly demanded as I pulled her into a tight hug.
"Becoming alright." I replied, simply. Mr. Winston Churchill, god rest his Great British soul, once said that there is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. He may have been closer to the meaning of life than most. "Drag coefficient of fur exactly two point seven five mini-Apples. Softness measuring exactly five Apples per hoof squared. Adorability over nine thousand HNGs," I ascertained with Sparkle-esque precision, reassuring myself this was indeed the genuine article. I accept no substitute.
"Help, Lu-... uh, Dark Side! I am being narrated in numbers! Very scary numbers!" Sunrise squeaked for help.
"Too late, sister mine," Dark Side sighed in mock despair. She had gotten snared in a hug the moment she entered my absolute hugging field from which no adorable may escape. "I too am lost."
Luna had questions, I'm sure. My lady too, no doubt. They did not voice it, but I could feel it in their gazes. But there will be time for that, even if I must throw my gloves at the train to make it. We all shared a brief glance. A silent agreement was reached; We would talk when this is all over.
Lyra gave the ashened vines on the floor a bop with a hoof. Seemingly satisfied that her foe was thoroughly trampled and dead, she turned a look of admiration towards me. "Wow. You actually defeated it," she said. Upon realizing her tone, though, she quickly added, "Not that I ever doubted you, of course.”
"Well done, matador. Iron Will would have faced it down himself, except it was already crowded enough without having a second train in here," Iron Will said, giving me a nod of approval.
"Butler, what would we do without you?" Octavia said, off-hoofedly.
"I haven't the foggiest idea," I replied, absentmindedly, most of my considerable faculties invested in the cognition-intensive activity of hugging the most adorable goddesses this side of the universe.
"I do. Get to the engine and stop this train, if you don't hurry and get up." Lightning huffed, helpfully. "I hate this train so much. Which madpony invented trains anyway?"
"The first model to achieve 100 hooves without exploding too violently was credited to Miss Chew Chew Puff in Hoofington in 942 C.E. I believe." I took refuge in good, solid facts to secure my sanity.
"Too late to do anything about it now, dear." Red Heart shrugged as she carefully examined Gilda and Spitfire.
"The ponies!" Coco cried as the scared stiff ponies around us all suddenly collapsed onto the floor, freed from their statuesque state. "Are they alright?" She quickly approached the nearest one.
"They'll wake up a little later," Red Heart said. "With luck in this lifetime."
"Her too?" Lightning asked, giving Gilda a little poke with a hoof.
"I expect our two darlings will wake up sooner rather than later, seeing as they haven't been under its spell for too long."
As if on cue, Gilda began to stir. "Ugh... am I in heaven...?" She groaned, wings flapping languidly. The first thing her eyes focused upon was, unfortunately, Lightning Dust's own, looking down at her. "Nope," she concluded with a huff. "I'm in dweebsville."
"I can send you to heaven. Maybe in one piece too." Lightning Dust muttered. I may have imagined it in the half-light, but I may have seen a sliver of relief on Lightning’s face.
A dark look overtook the dazed griffin. "You didn't give me mouth-to-mouth, did you, dweeb?" She demanded, half from confusion, half from dread.
"No. I didn’t," Lightning retorted, cooly, leaving the unsaid hanging in the air like a tombstone.
"Don't worry, dear. I'm the only one qualified to do that here." Red Heart gave the griffin a wink. Whatever reassurance was intended, it was lost upon the horrified griffin. “Not to suggest you might need one, but are you alright, darling?” She asked with proffesional concern.
“M-Mind your own business!” Gilda snapped, quickly looking away. “I-I’m fine. I’m always fine! I’m no crychicky!” She stomped off. “Not anymore.” I heard her mutter under her breath.
“I wonder what’s eating her.” Lyra mused.
“Whatever it is, it’s probably feeling really sick.” Lightning shrugged.
"Bwuuh..." Spitfire moaned as she came to. "Did I miss the musical number?" She asked, muzzily, shaking her head as if trying to dislodge something ringing in her ears. Coco was quick to offer the captain a hoof up.
"The only thing we'll have is a funeral dirge if we don't hurry." Octavia bucked the last door open. It was, again, surprisingly, not enchanted. Light and wind flooded the tight cargo compartment as she opened the door to reveal the coal wagon and the engine up ahead. "Let's go."
"Be careful. It's unlikely but the culprit might still be at the engine," I called after them. But they quickly filed out into the sunlight regardless. I didn't blame them for being eager to leave the stifling cargo hold, their impatience getting the better of them. I could only hope nothing else does.
I released the two little pegasus fillies rather reluctantly as I got to my feet. "I would appreciate it if you two could stay close, please,” I said.
As I prepared to follow through the door I was distracted for a moment by something familiar. A nearby packing crate bore a family crest I quickly recognized. Being the Butler to the royal family, I made it my business to know the particulars of all the noble families. This one in particular was the coat of arms of house Fancy Pants, one of my lady's closest supporters. Was this just a coincidence?
"That one doesn't contain alicorns. Come now. The engine is just ahead. I want to blow the horn!" Dark Side called to me. She made a surprisingly good point, on both accounts. I quickly followed, sparing the crate no further thought.
The thick smell of burning coal and the sharp ocean-scented headwind whipped at our faces as we stepped out of the cargo hold and into the open air. The ocean glimmered in the distance beyond the seaside city's forest of characteristic bright red rooftops. I just about recognized the tall white spire of Harmony Hall housing the Unity Bell towering high above the rest of the quaint town. And ahead of us, just an elbow nudge away, the sleek, fiery red Harmony locomotive chugged ever onwards towards its doom and ours.
I walked out to find Coco huddled with Lyra and Iron Will by the coupling connecting the carriage to the coal wagon in front of us. "How is it? Can you separate the engine?" Coco asked, hopefully.
"The coupling lever's broken and the thingy itself is more magic-proof than the lock on Bon Bon's diary." Lyra frowned. "Good thing we have our Sweets Army knife minotaur." She gave Iron Will an expectant look.
"There is Iron Will, and then there is impossible." Iron Will shrugged. Looks like there are things even minotaurs can't break.
"Coco, you're a Sunday cop, right? What do cops do with runaway trains?" Lyra asked.
"Um, call for backup?" Coco suggested.
They were about to aim their expectations my way when I was saved by a commotion from further ahead. "We got'em!" It was Lightning Dust's voice. "We got the baddies!"
I cursed myself. I had sent Garnet and Ditzy ahead to the engine, knowing there was that very slight chance the culprit may still be there. Just the thought that I had put the two in harm's way sickened me.
My thoughts must have shown on my face for Dark Side was quick to give me some reassurance. "You realize one of them is a fire-breathing dragon? The other a walking avatar of destruction?" She pointed out to me. "We'll be lucky to have anything left to catch."
One Small Stop for Gentlemen, One Large Stop for...
They say life is a journey. Like any journey, taking the train has so far proven faster. Much too fast, perhaps, for my preference. But I often find that my preference doesn’t really matter much on Mondays. This was particularly the case on this particular Monday.
"Hurry." I waved a hand for haste as we practically leapt over the coal wagon. The coal threatened to shift treacherously beneath my feet. The ponies, however, with their light hooves and sure steps made surprisingly short work of it. I was too busy worrying for Ditzy and Garnet to think of my own safety. I quickly paid for it as the loose coal betrayed my feet, sending me flying onto the driver cab's shuddering floor, though I took great care to land in as graceful a heap as possible.
Having just survived an evil demonic herb intruding upon my very sanity, I would not be undone by a piece of coal. Satisfied that this was the case, I cast an eye around. Being a pony engine, the cab was conveniently spacious enough to allow me to land without hitting anything more deadly than the floor. Of which there were a lot of, considering how the cab looked like the bastard child of a sauna and judgement day. Everything within was letting off more steam than Shining Armour at his bachelor party. The wiser half of the group decided to remain behind in the relative safety of the treacherous mound of coal.
We found Lightning Dust cornering a scared-looking Ditzy into one corner of the driver's cab. The gray pegasus mare was cradling what looked like a broken brake lever in her hooves. Gilda had Garnet hemmed up close to the engine's firebox where a ferocious unearthly violet fire burned angrily against the grate, spitting cinders and ash out into the driver's cab. There was a lot of yelling and crying, and Spitfire was trying to bark over it all to no avail.
"They can't hear us, Butler. Everypony's shouting over everypony." Octavia shouted to my side. "Do something!"
"I like that plan, Ms. Melody." I got to my feet and found the cab's fire alert switch. I neatly smashed the glass protecting the big red button with a very gentlemanly elbow.
"Ooh! Ooh! Big red button! Mine!" Dark Side popped up over my shoulder, bursting with excitement.
"You seem mighty excited by the big red button," Sunrise remarked, dubiously.
"Do you even read my Hearthswarming wish-list?!" Dark Side demanded as she ran up my arm and kindly jump-kicked the big red button for me. A set of water talisman sprinklers in the cab's ceiling came to life, showering the cab with soberingly cold water. "Why didn't you warn me that was going to happen?!" A suddenly sodden Dark Side cried out as she leapt inside my vest for cover. And that is the entirety of the reason why a very inconspicuous but far-reaching royal decree banned the use of big red buttons all across Canterlot shortly after Luna's return.
With a flourish I pulled out a smart black umbrella from the recesses of my jacket, quickly deploying it to avoid most of the deluge. A massive plume of steam burst forth from the firebox's grates and a set of exhaust vents in the engine's sides, suggesting the water sprinklers had flooded the inside of the firebox as well. However, the dark violet fire within continued to crackle menacingly despite being smothered in water, confirming my suspicions. It was an enchanted flame, likely dragon in origin.
At least the sprinklers indiscriminately put out the flaming row inside the cab. I turned my attention to my dripping wet audience. "Since we're all together, I thought I'd put the water to boil and make some tea so you can all get acquainted over a nice cup. Ms. Lightning, Ms. Gilda, meet Ms. Garnet and Ms. Ditzy." I said, cheerfully, as I folded my umbrella and tucked it away safely. "And you shall all be friends," I added, allowing no room for even an illusion of choice. For Lightning and Gilda's sake, mainly. You can simply be the friends of the fire breathing dragon and the avatar of destruction, or you can simply not be.
"Ara, hello, Master and fellow followers!" Garnet suddenly turned cheerful as she greeted us with a toothy smile. "I was beginning to think you all lost your way in the train. I see you have bred quite successfully during our time apart," she said, eyeing the bulge on my front as well as our new additions.
"Fire nor water nor runaway trains shall stop me from doing my part in preserving the species," I said primly, allowing Dark Side to wiggle out of my vest. "Speaking of preservation, how are we doing?"
"You tried to blow out the fire, didn't you?" Octavia gave the small dragon an accusing look.
"That's not the only thing she blew!" Dark Side cried, cradling the molten mass that was once the train's horn. "I wanted to blow it! Unblow it! Unblow it now, I say!"
"Ah, yes, I couldn't resist. Hauwau." She gave Dark Side an apologetic smile before turning to Octavia. "And yes, I did." Her expression turning grave. "I tried to use a counter-spell dovah breath on the dovah fire already burning there when we arrived." She waved a claw at the violet flame burning in the firebox. "But the enchantment on this dovah fire is strong, stronger than even my own. Nanoyo."
"It's enchanted... to do what?" Red Heart asked, squinting into the flames.
"To be inextinguishable," Garnet said, grimly. "Destruction is our nature. To make something enduring goes against it, making this very very hiiiigh level dovah magic. This was the work of somedrake powerful, likely an incredible elder dovah or, worse..." Her expression turned a shade darker. "...a dovahkin."
"Bless you," Lyra quipped.
"A dragon-soul stealer," Garnet repeated, her translator talisman triggering properly this time.
"Killer canaries, dragons and runaway trains, whatever; but I draw the line at soul pickpocketing. Flock this, I give up. Game Over." Lightning Dust threw her hooves up in the air.
"Shoe-stealing aside, that fire's too big for us to stop the train." Ditzy said, eyeing the quivering pressure gauges worriedly. Steam hissed menacingly out of cracks in the dial. "The engine might explode when we crash. Or even before if we're unlucky."
"Lucky we've been having really good fortune all day." Octavia said. Who said simple sarcasm was a lost art?
"Mom..." Dinky gave a little sigh as she trotted up to her mother's side, eyeing the broken brake lever in her mother's hooves. "Did you break something again?" She asked with all the manner of a mother finding her daughter's report card hidden underneath her bed.
"Uh..." Ditzy gave a nervous little pony squee. "Sorry, my bad, muffin." She said sheepishly, before looking up at the rest of us. "Somepony sabotaged the brakes. I freed it and turned the lever. The brakes did their best... then snapped. I shouldn't have tried it without putting out the fire first. So sorry, everypony." She said, apologetically.
"So that jolt that sent us all flying earlier was the brakes snapping?" Lightning asked. "Gee, how many ways is this guy trying to kill us?"
"Well, there was no chance of putting out that fire anyway. At least you tried," I said, reassuringly.
"We have every flavour of magic here from griffin to Butler loin-magic. You're telling me we have no chance?" Lyra frowned.
"Perhaps there's no chance with the magic the rest of you have, dears," Red Heart said.
"You're saying there's any other?" Spitfire raised an eyebrow, skeptically.
"That... depends," Red Heart said, seeming to hesitate a little. She gave us an appraising look as if considering us carefully. She finally gave a resigned little sigh. Her eyes, on the contrary, twinkled with mischief befitting a lord of chaos or a tax pony. "Can you all be a darling and promise to help guard my little secret?" She asked, placing the tips of her hooves together while giving us all the most beseeching smile I had ever seen on a pony other than my princesses.
"Secret is Iron Will's middle name. It's so secret nobull knows what it is, not even Iron Will," Iron Will said, helpfully.
"I am sure we can all pretend for a moment that our lives depend upon guarding this little secret," I said, eyeing everyone gathered. There was a smattering of nods and murmurs along the lines of 'yeah', 'promise' and even one 'Pinkie Promise'.
I sincerely hope we would have no cause to break that Pinkie Promise. I am not entirely sure how I would handle Pinkie magically appearing here on top of everything else.
"I was going to show you all my little party trick either way. But the promise helps." Seemingly satisfied that everyone had given their word, the nurse sat back on her haunches before the firebox and lifted both her forehooves towards the fire as if warming her hooves.
Unfortunately the best description for what happened next was Lyra's own. "Uh... your hooves just vomited all over the fire," Lyra observed, quite graphically. The nurse pony's hooves sprayed an expansive net of what looked like shiny green spider webs inside the firebox. Whatever it was, it quickly smothered the enchanted dragon fire, spewing greenish black smoke in its wake. "Hey, Tavy, is that green slimy stuff some sort of funky earth pony thing?" Lyra whispered aside to Octavia, eyeing her hooves suspiciously.
"Yes," Octavia sighed. "It's what we use to shut up terminally annoying unicorns."
"I can't do that..." Coco murmured quietly, looking down at her own forehooves, looking as if she had missed out on her share of cider on cider day.
"Nice jooob, nurse." Ditzy said, ears perking up as she eyed the pressure gauges with approval. "Steam pressure's dropping already."
"Yeah, nice job, changeling!" Gilda barked, feathers bristling as she pointed an accusing claw at Red Heart. "C'mon! I know loserville's missing all its town fools but this is ridiculous! Can't you dweebs see she's a changeling?! That's changeling cocoon magic!"
“Changeling magic... can resist dovah fire?” Garnet blinked in disbelief.
“Changeling cocoons are inert to most forms of magic,” Lyra said, darkly.
"And it’s working.” Octavia pointed out. “I do not care if she’s using Butler loin-magic, as long as it works.”
Dark Side gave a little frown but nothing more. Sunrise seemed impassive, looking more thoughtful than concerned. Surprising, considering her last encounter with the changelings at the royal wedding.
“Who cares about all that? What part of changeling did you dweebs not understand?!” Gilda demanded, heatedly.
From the dark look on her face, Lyra seemed to share Gilda's apprehension. Considering she was Cadence's student for a while, I suppose it was to be expected. "As clear as day. What did you do with the real Red Heart?" Lyra demanded.
Red Heart visibly winced at her words. "Nothing, darling. I am the real Red Heart. Or Change'A'Heart if you prefer, but I find that name such a muzzlefull, don't you?"
"So she can spit snot out of her hooves. So what?! I do that when I beat faces! Besides, she's helping us! Which is more than you're doing!" Lightning Dust was quick to leap to Red Heart’s defense. "You gave your word you'll guard her secret! Or was that just the diaper rash on your face?" She demanded.
"I did," Lyra conceded. "I don't like putting the 'lie' in 'Lyra'. But I'd never leave the 'heart' out of 'Heartstrings'. I'm not going to stand by if ponies are in danger!"
"The only ponies in danger is us, dear. And I'm not standing by either. I promise you that," Red Heart said, keeping her eyes on the fire she was fighting. "All it takes is one royal screw up. Long live the queen," she sighed under her breath.
"Blanks, say something!" Lyra turned to me for help.
"Something," I stated helpfully, earning me a look of absolute annoyance from my minty green unicorn friend. "I’m afraid speech eludes me. Her actions speak louder than anything I could hope to say," I said in response to Lyra's glare.
"Thank you, Mr. Butler dear." Red Heart gave me a look of gratitude as she put out the last of the flames. Satisfied that the fire was thoroughly cocooned and smothered, she turned around and shut the firebox grate with a hindhoof kick. She wiped some sweat off her brow with a forehoof, panting a little from the heat and exertion. "So that's the frying pan and the fire. Can somepony please be a darling and tell me what's next?"
"The ground, or six feet under," Octavia grumbled, helpfully. "We're not slowing down at all." She said, looking over Ditzy's shoulder at the speed gauge.
"I would presume putting the fire out alone won't stop the train." I nodded, grimly, as I turned to our resident engineer. "What's the next step, Ms. Ditzy?"
"Who, me?" Ditzy's eyes began to wander apart, her ears drooping; something I gathered was a sign of anxiety on the young mare's part. "I'd only make things worse. I mean, I designed this train. That's probably why it...." She faltered, eyes downcast.
"Mom." Little Dinky hopped atop her mother's back to place a reassuring hoof on her withers. "Everypony's counting on us, so there's no way we can fail," she said encouragingly. "And if anything goes wrong, Dinky will fix it for you like always. Imagine, Dinky can use Dinky's super scotch tape to glue the train to the sky, or...."
"Glue... the sky..." Ditzy murmured, seemingly struck by inspiration. Her eyes slowly drew back together as a plan came together in her mind. "That's it! The air brakes!" She turned towards us, eyes gleaming with newfound hope. "All the carriages have fail-safe air brakes. They're all fed with air from the engine through lots and lots of pipes that run all the way from the engine to the last carriage. The brakes switch on if the air stops flowing in the pipes, for example if the engine stops or if the carriages are separated."
"Oh, I see. So it helps the carriages stop when the engine is slowing down or stops runaway carriages." Coco nodded in understanding. "But we can't stop the engine, right?" She realized.
"And the coupling levers on the carriages are all broken. There's no way to separate the carriages," Spitfire pointed out.
A thought occurred to me. "Can we break the pipes feeding the air?" I suggested.
"Yes, but every carriage has its own air tank, so we have to break the pipes in between every carriage to turn on all the brakes," Ditzy said. "They're cheap, flimsy things. A good buck should do the trick."
"Can you please lend her your translator talisman, Ms. Dragon?" Lyra asked. "I don't speak nerdese."
"Break pipes. Train stops. We don't die. Understand?" Octavia snapped. "Now can we please go break some pipes before I break something else by mistake on purpose?"
"I vote we let the lady break her pipes. Fliers, please fly to the back of the train and start working on the pipes there," I instructed. "Everyone else, move backwards through the train and start breaking the pipes one by one. Warn any passengers you see that it’s going to get rather rambunctious."
"If we're going to crash, we might as well be as far back as possible. Let's go, everypony," Octavia said, waving a hoof at the others.
"To love, friendship and epic pawnage! To infinity....and beyond!" Lyra declared excitedly as she leapt into step behind the bassist.
"To shut up," Octavia muttered as she led Iron Will, the grounded Spitfire and a rather hesitant Coco back inside the first carriage. Red Heart, meanwhile, had released a tattered pair of pale blue wings from her back. They buzzed to life, raising her into the fierce headwind. Lightning Dust didn't hesitate to follow the nurse, albeit on somewhat unsteady wings. Gilda paused only to give me one last sour look before spreading her own majestic eagle wings and taking off after the two.
Garnet, however, paused. She seemed to have noticed my hesitation, casting a questioning look my way. "You smell worried," she murmured, cocking her head to one side curiously. If there is a smell for worry, I must be the most flagrant gentleman outside Dodge Junction.
"Why, thank you. I am more than happy to share my cologne with you later," I said with a smile, before turning to Ditzy. "Ms. Ditzy, I would appreciate some candour on your part. Will that really be enough to stop the train in time?" I asked the pegasus mare as she was spreading her wings to take off.
She looked back at me, her eyes slowly drifting apart again, betraying her uncertainty. After a moment of hesitation she finally spoke up. "Um, maybe not. But maybe perhaps it might help ease the damage a little, maybe?" She said, looking sheepish. "Sorry, my bad. It was the best I could think up." Her ears drooped with the rest of her head.
"And it’s the best we have." I said, reassuringly. "Still, shouldn't you take your daughter and run then?" I asked, nodding at the little unicorn filly perched on her back. Ditzy bit her lip, the kind mare seemingly torn between saving the ponies on the train and protecting her own daughter.
"You don't have to choose, monah fahdon." Garnet stepped up, wearing a determined gaze I had yet to see on her till then. "Do what you can. Leave the rest to me. Nanoyo." She gave the mother a reassuring smile. "Go, now."
Ditzy gave the dragon a thankful smile before turning to me. "Mr. Butler, uh, would you like me to, um, take your daughters with me?" She asked, uncomfortably.
"And miss out the fun?" Dark Side huffed before I could say anything. "There may be coffee before the end. I have faith."
"That's kind of you, but we'll be fine. Thank you," Sunrise agreed.
"I shall have them fly for safety if things turn pear-shaped. Well, pear-shaped-er," I said, knowing full well there was no point arguing with my ladies. "Go, Ms. Ditzy. Hurry."
Ditzy gave me, Dark Side and Sunrise one last worried look before reluctantly turning away, spreading her wings wide. "Hold on tight, Muffin," she said to her daughter before bounding off into the air. Her wings quickly caught on the strong headwind, propelling her skywards.
"You have a plan then, Ms. Garnet?" I turned to the dragon, eyebrow cocked and ready. "Hopefully one that doesn't involve blowing the train out?"
"That depends." She gave me a wry smile. "Tell me, Master, how many bowls of courage did you have for breakfast?"
"Courage? Ma'am, I take refuge in bunkers built from my leftover audacity," I stated with what little courage I had left. "What are you planning, Ms. Garnet?"
"Plans are for sophisticated drakes." Garnet shrugged with her withers. "I'm just going to stop the train. With my bare claws. Oh, and with you too."
"I am a man of many skills, but I'm afraid my aptitude as an implement of train-stopping has yet to be tested." I was starting to wonder absently if my insurance covered trains, or, for that matter, dragons. Knowing my luck, likely not. "Besides, I am quite certain the phrase 'size doesn't matter' was not invented on a runaway train. No offense meant," I said, carefully pointing out the obvious flaw in her plan, or lack thereof.
"I'm sure the train won't take offense, Master. Not many things take offense at a full size dragon. Nanoyo," Garnet grinned.
But just where are we going to get a full size dragon at such short notice? As I pondered this, the train jolted abruptly, almost sending us both stumbling to the floor. I flung an arm out to hold onto a guard rail, another to catch Dark Side and Sunrise and hold them securely against me. A loud, ear-splitting screech filled the air. It would appear the others had managed to set off the first set of brakes and the train was quick to take offense. Still, it stubbornly showed no signs of slowing down.
"Come now, Master, don't make a girl ask for it," Garnet said, her face all mischief and nothing else.
Oh dollymops. Understanding dawned upon me like an ill-omened star. Her plan was as mad as it was big. Another loud screech filled the air as yet another carriage's brakes triggered. The train only shuddered violently in reply without losing an inch of speed, as if taunting us all.
"What do you plan on hoarding? Other than all the optimism, that is." I asked, stumbling backwards away from her, hoping against hope it wasn't what I thought it was. "I'm not sure we have the luxury of waiting for these coals to become diamonds." I said, waving a hand at the coal wagon.
"Incredible, Master! It is as you say, even coals can be precious diamonds. It is all in the mind. Awumai." She beamed with approval. "It helps if it's good-looking though." If she were to insinuate any harder, she'd be probably be proposing.
Why, thank you, but taking refuge in flattery won't get us anywhere, at least no faster than this train. The train jolted once more to yet another loud screech. Now it was just ridiculing us.
"Very well, I shall ask if I must. Would you be my hoard, Master?" Garnet asked sweetly, her big wide draconic doe eyes gazing pleadingly up at me.
"Excuse me?" Sunrise demanded, looking all flavours of disbelief. "I found him first. Please get your own," she pouted, very persuasively.
Giving in to Luna once in a while is one thing, but I am a gentleman of unwavering will. I would not simply be talked into a complete stranger's rather crazy and certainly very personal plan. A dragon's no less. And certainly not because she is threatening me with terminal diabetes.
"Pweaaaaaaase?" Garnet added, tilting her head to one side for extra measure.
But I am not so simple a man so as to give in to such cheap wiles. I finally opened my mouth to give my resolute rejection. "Alright."
"You didn't even try,” Dark Side hissed in my ear.
"She's very persuasive," I argued vehemently in my defence.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Garnet cheered, hopping around behind me. Before I could say anything more, she had slithered under me from behind, pushing herself right in between my legs, forcing me into the natural saddle in the small of her back. "Right, you, me, hugs, now!" She ordered.
"Pardon me?" I blinked, numbly. She gave me no real choice in the matter, for she suddenly rose upwards, slapping my succession against her back. It was all I could do to grab hold of my two little fillies with one hand and hang onto Garnet's withers with another. With two powerful bounds she had leapt clear of the cab and onto the coal wagon despite her ridiculously oversized passenger on her back.
"Just in time. I think we just ran out of rail." Garnet said, her expansive draconic wings extending out beneath me.
"Is that all we’ve run out of?" I barely managed before a violent lurch ran through the entire train. A thunderous crash drowned out the rest of the chaos. The sudden jolt sent both Garnet and I flying high up into the air above the engine. I managed to get one last good look at the train as it flew off a tight curve in the tracks, propelled by sheer speed, wheels spinning wildly on air as it sailed towards what looked like a busy market street and a school just beyond. "I think I've also run out of sheer 'what'," I said, blankly.
Ponies are a vivacious folk. Breaking into song and dance is as natural to them as double parking is to us. It was a particularly uplifting tune that struck the ponies thronging Fillydelphia's Market Way that Monday afternoon.
"It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~!" They sang as they pranced down the white cobblestone street. "Here in our little town by the bay, where the sun's brighter and the hay sweeter!"
"Join the sway down Market Way, join the herd and bring your purse!" The street vendors sang from behind their colourful market stalls. "It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~"
"Fresh out of my oven; hay bread, golden brown with a crispy crust!" An earth pony baker offered. "It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~"
"The repast you've yearned, alfalfa salad, all day served!" The green grocer called out. "It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~"
"Every Fillydelphia day starts with a Saddle Bucks Coffee First~" Mr. Saddle Bucks, proprietor of the local Trot-Through coffee shop, sang. "With coffee cream and donut glaze, nopony walks away in thirst. It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~"
"Howdy there, Mr. Saddle Bucks! Coffee please, my throat's parched as dust." the local constable sang as he trotted by the coffee shop.
"Law or outlaw, big or small, anypony all, I sell coffee to all who trots through our stall~" Mr. Saddle Bucks replied. "It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~"
"Anypony, all, you say?" The constable raised an eyebrow. "Surely that's a stretch?"
"I say neigh. Send them all my way! A whole train, a dragon, even one of them humans! I will sell them all coffee, anypony who passes our Market Way!" Mr. Saddle Bucks boasted with a flourish. "It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~"
"It's always a good day the Fillydelphia way~!" The ponies sang. "Here in Fillydelphia where wind sings in the bay, on high a dragon flies our way, and the 12 o'clock runaway train ricochets down Market Way, just in time to slay-...." The singing came to an abrupt halt, punctuated by a resounding crash.
The ponies stared, transfixed, at the shadow blotting out the afternoon sun. A massive behemoth of steel and fire flew off a nearby hillock, sailing right for Market Way. The very earth beneath their hooves shook as the behemoth's mighty wheels smashed into the street. Sparks flew wildly about as the steel wheels spun against tortured cobblestone. The song and dance was quickly replaced by screams and running dives. Chaos had arrived on the 12 o'clock train.
Up in the air above the metal monstrosity, trailing steam and dust, a minuscule serpentine shadow shot forth into the sky like a bullet. Astride its back, like a limpet strapped to a moon rocket, was a gentleman of a rather pusillanimous persuasion.
"I do prefer collecting frequent flyer miles a little slower. Safer too," I said, a little more tight-lipped than usual as I hung onto my dragon companion for dear-oh-dear life with one arm. My other clutched two little fillies, one cheering at the top of the world, the other frozen with very sudden altitude sickness.
"Come now, Master; live a little!" Garnet laughed merrily.
"I plan to live a lot, thank you," I replied. "And you, young lady, can grow up a little."
"I plan to grow up a lot, Master!" Garnet's wild laughter suddenly turned a booming baritone. I looked down and found the dragon's soft, silky scales shimmering as they multiplied before my very eyes. The wings on either side of us erupted forth into the sky, catching air like magnificent crimson sails. An expanding spine spike missed my inheritance by thankful inches, shooting up to chest height.
“Please watch where you put that. You might poke somebody in the… everything,” I whimpered. My lady mirrored my wide-eyed gaze with her own.
"This is the last stop!" Garnet's magnificent voice boomed across the sky. I felt my stomach lurch as she abruptly dove earthwards. I tried to look down at what exactly but found that the ground below was almost entirely hidden by the massive bulk that I suddenly realized was Garnet's gigantic body.
Instant giant dragon. Just add Butler.
It is Monday afternoon and I am riding a giant dragon. I wonder if anyone at the gentleman's club, other than possibly Ms. Pinkie Pie, would ever believe me? After all, all I had to show for it are a pair of spoiled briefs.
What's left of my breakfast almost eluded me as a gut-wrenching reel lurched me from my reverie. Despite her massive bulk the mighty dragon managed a midair whirl to face the train. An explosive crash shook the world as the magnificent dragon hit the ground. Her rear claws dug troughs through the street as her monstrous foreclaws became intimately acquainted with the locomotive. A soul-rending screech filled the air as tortured metal struggled against draconic claws. The mighty locomotive's steel frame bent like foil beneath the dragon's might. A part of my mind still capable of rational thought was thankful we had put out the fire first, lest we receive a faceful of exploding steam engine.
In life, sometimes you are the windshield, sometimes you are the bug. And sometimes you are the dragon. And, occasionally, you’re that gentleman atop the dragon.
"Iron Will versus train!" I heard Iron Will roar from somewhere around the back of the train. I just about spotted the almighty minotaur as he leapt out of the rearmost carriage and grabbed hold of it, presumably intent on pulling it to a stop. "Finally, a real challenge!" He bellowed as his hooves hit the ground, kicking up a massive cloud of dust that engulfed him whole.
There was a sag, perhaps even a give. Dare we believe? The train was slowing! The entire train let out a long, loud screech of tortured metal as it slowly, ponderously grinded to a halt. Deep silence fell as the dust slowly settled, punctuated only by the hiss of leftover steam and the occasional plink of a loose rivet. Obeying some universal law of dramatics, an errant wheel rolled off to come to rest against the remains of a stall that once sold horseapples.
No gentlemanly competition would be complete without an eloquent comment from the victor. Thusly in my giddy relief I felt compelled to say, “Consummate upon that, fruitcake.”
The smoke finally cleared to reveal the school house behind us, just within poking distance. In fact, we had an entire audience of curious little colts and fillies poking their heads out from the school's windows despite their teacher's frantic efforts.
By jove, have I just exposed young impressionable ears to the horrors of eloquent speech? How would I ever live this down?
"This isn't the school cart. Be good now and go back inside," I said, though it came out a little more shakily than I would have liked. "And don't forget to write a letter to your princess about what you learned today. It was likely something very important," I quickly added.
"Yes. Dear me, today I have learned that trains are deadly," Sunrise whispered from where she was curled up inside my vest, clutching the lapel of my jacket for dear life.
"What ho! How many points doth We receive?!" Dark Side demanded with a triumphant cackle as she leapt atop my head. "Can we do that again?" She asked, leaning down my forehead to peer into my eyes.
"On the moon, after I banish all trains there," Sunrise said with grim resolution.
It was good to see Dark Side had enjoyed her train ride. Sunrise, however, didn’t seem to have weathered it half as well. "Are you alright, Sunrise?" I asked.
"I am most definitely walking next time," Sunrise decided. "It would be so much healthier."
Garnet finally released the locomotive to do a rather animated victory dance. "Vis mu dreh toy einzuk?! Nanoyo!" She declared, sounding much like a cannon, a very talkative one.
"Are you alright, Ms. Garnet?" I asked. "You didn't swallow any part of the train, did you? I am no dragon physician but I suspect that may cause you some rather fiery heartburn."
"Tinvaak meda aanda, In?" The dragon turned her head around to peer at me, curiously. That's when I noticed the shattered shard dangling precariously from her neck; all that was left of Garnet's translator talisman. She must have noticed my look as she followed my gaze down. "Hauwau. Pruzah, tolro ni pruzaaaah." She growled, rolling her eyes at the remains of her talisman.
"I agree." I nodded sagely. "I think runaway trains definitely void the warranty."
“Ahst suk nii ken pruzah. Nanoyo.” She shrugged, plucking what was left of the talisman’s gem and popping it into her mouth. “Hmm. Vust nuft osos zal.” She smacked her lips, thoughtfully.
“Indeed," I said, absently. I looked down and quietly assessed how much abuse my trousers and my succession would have to tolerate for me to somehow dismount without impaling myself upon her spikes. "A stepladder would also be nice. But, failing that, might I suggest a wonderful new diet regime, Ms. Garnet?"
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