> The Dogs Who Came to Beg
>  by TinCan
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Gristle, Guard Dog
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patches, our speaker, said that when the Alphas found us at the dawn of the world, we were not like we are now. There was no Dog, only Wolf. Wolf was wild and bloodthirsty with loyalty to his pack alone and hatred for all others. Patches tells how the Alphas raised us from savagery as a long, slow learning process. They repeated their lessons over and over until we understood the universe and our place in it. This world and all the creatures in it are the Alphas’ pack. We, their best friends and most faithful servants, get to watch it for them until they come back someday.

Being in these magic-stinking pony lands made me remember another version of the story. In that one, the Alphas did not just teach our ancestors, but actually ripped the wolfish parts out of their souls and sent these wolf-parts to the darkest corners of the earth, where they hunt and hunger forever. It was to show how bad we were back then and what it would be like if we went back.

I don’t know how else to explain those things we saw at the edges of our fire’s light last night, camping in that awful forest. Good Hound Rascal tried to grab one and throw it on the fire, because he is too brave and it looked like it was made of wood, but it came apart to get out of his grip and then re-formed and dented his bracer with its splintery teeth.

Even bowing and wagging for silly, lazy ponies will be better than staying another night in that forest!

I am ready. Very Good Hound Boomer, our leader, drills us every day on how we are supposed to act around the ponies. It’s been such a long trip that even a bad dog like me has them memorized. ‘Eat no meat but fish, and only when offered.’ ‘Never growl or snap at ponies.’ ‘Only smell their front ends.’ ‘Say “lady dog” instead of—of the thing I can’t say here because ponies think it’s bad.’ There are dozens of others too. Is it really true that they have special rooms and little shacks just to defecate in? That doesn’t sound right. I thought ponies were supposed to be clean.

I wish I was back home, even if it means having to fight those dragons and getting all burnt up or squashed. I don’t like having to care about what ponies think.

I don’t like what Boomer is doing to those three guides, either, even if they had been kicked out of the pack a long time ago. I want to ask Patches whether this is right, but he already knows, and he does nothing. Yet… Diamond Dogs are still dogs, and I think one of them might be my second cousin. There are a lot of Fidos, though.

> 2. Rascal, Good Hound, Keeper of the Peace
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The curs began whining louder as we finally bushwhacked through the last of that magic-reeking forest and came into sight of the pony town. Though I suppose they had their reasons, Boomer wouldn’t like it, and besides, their racket irritated me. I gave the nearest a clout to the ear to silence him.

It didn’t work.

“Please, Hound Rascal,” the one called Rover begged me, “you are a good Diamond Dog, not a bad one like us! You keep your word! Do not do this to us!”

“You remember what your leader said,” the tiny one, Spot, chimed in. “If we helped you good dogs and told what we know and guided you through pony lands, we would be let back into the pack. We have done all this! Let us go!”

The third prisoner just trudged on quietly with his giant shoulders slumped.

Smart dog, that Fido.

The other two got punished. All I have to do is tap the jewels on my bracer and the gilded iron obedience collars with the matching stones get tighter, or heat up, or do all sorts of other interesting things. The teeth-marks on the bracer from last night are still there, but I don’t think that wolf did any permanent damage.

This time I chose a brief electric shock. While the two fools were busy convulsing in the dirt of the road, I felt a shadow fall over me. I looked up, and who was it but the big dog himself, Very Good Hound Boomer, chief (and only) diplomat of Diamondia and leader of this whole stinking tail-chase.

“What seems to be the problem with these dogs, Hound Rascal?” he says, as if he didn’t know.

Of course, I strike a subservient pose, expecting to get chewed out over how my correctional methods are slowing down the march. “Nothing worth concerning yourself over, chief,” I tell him. “These curs were criticizing your hospitality; I just thought I’d tell them to mind their manners.”

Still twitching a bit, the red-vested one looked up at Boomer with pleading eyes. “You promised us… you said we would rejoin the kingdom pack.”

The boss looked down at him and smiled cheerfully with those huge blue eyes of his. “Indeed. And you have.”

All three prisoners looked confused. So did I, I suppose.

“With the jailor? The obedience collars?” Spot whined, rolling back onto his belly. “Pack members aren’t treated like this. You are mocking us!”

“Not at all, friend,” said Boomer. “Say the word and this good hound will let you go.”

He nodded briskly to me, and I slowly nodded back. What was he up to?

“Of course,” Boomer added, before the prisoners could open their yaps to speak, “You’d be alone, without the rest of your exile pack. They’ve chosen to stay with us.” He snapped his nails as if another thought had just occurred to him. “Oh, and the kingdom wouldn’t know about our agreement either. We can’t afford to send someone else back with you to vouch. To them, you’ll still be a bunch of outcasts who gave away cartloads of the Alphas’ gems to a herd of little ponies just to save your own hides.” He shook his head. “Hm. That might not go over too well.”

My new pack-mates glanced at each other. “Let them keep their kingdom!” Spot said. “Even going off into the wilderness would be better than being dragged around by these mean dogs.”

The other two nodded.

Boomer reached down, pulled the smaller dog gently onto his feet and pointlessly brushed some dust off of the cur’s filthy black vest. “You would pass up this great opportunity so easily, good brother dog?” he asked, still smiling.

Fido, the hulking, hunchbacked one, broke his silence at last. “O-opportunity? What do you mean?”

“I mean, you have the opportunity to return to the pack, not merely as pardoned exiles, but as heroes! Saviors of the kingdom!”

Rover narrowed his already-squinty eyes. “But the other dogs, they said you were going to give us to the ponies as captives. You said the one we grabbed way back then is friends with their new giant! How will we get anything rotting in pony prison?”

The boss laughed, as if this wasn’t exactly what we intended to happen. “Brother dogs, honestly! Have you ever known ponies to be vindictive? Do they even have prisons, much less ones that could hold a stone-breaking, bone-eating Diamond Dog? Offering you to their justice is merely a polite gesture, a way of showing our goodwill! Then they will see how sorry and bedraggled you are, and they’ll show their goodwill by letting you off the hook and then we all get down to business.” He pointed to me. “Good Hound Rascal here was merely ensuring that you three would play your parts to the best of your ability. He has your best interests at heart.”

The little one looked at me and cocked his head. “Oh, I… I guess that makes sense?”

“But when we return, we will be heroes?” Rover said, looking so hopeful I wanted to slug him again.

Boomer turned to go back to the front of the column. “You three are vital to this whole expedition,” he called over his shoulder. “Play your parts, look sorry, and don’t make Rascal have to ‘help’ too much, and I wouldn’t rule out elevation to hound-hood for all three of you!”

The three idiots looked at each other, gaping. “Did you hear, Fido?” Spot squeaked. “Us, hounds!”

“We will do it! Watch what good bad dogs we can be!” Rover shouted after Boomer.

Well, that sure wasn’t the way I would have handled it, but I can’t argue with results. Guess that’s the reason Boomer’s the diplomat and I’m tending kennel for these curs.

Then again, Boomer doesn’t know everything. That soon became apparent when we reached their town.
> 3. Pepper, Lady Hound, Scout
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

They saw us coming, of course. Even a pony couldn’t miss a pack of thirty-some dogs marching right up the little dirt road into town. Probably one of the flying ones spotted the dust cloud the moment we walked out of that Alphas-forsaken forest.

So, since they had forewarning, we arrived in ‘Ponyville’ (which ought to tell you something about their vaunted creativity) to find the little houses locked up, the skies deserted and the streets empty save for a hastily-thrown-together barricade blocking the main road through town. A few bolder pastel-colored heads peeked out of shuttered windows or over the top of the pile to gawk at us as Boomer called the party to a halt.

We should have predicted something like this. You can’t expect ponies to know what it means when Diamond Dogs enter a place horizontally.

But it should be obvious to anyone! If we were coming to drag some ponies off to the mines (and we don’t; horse thievery’s been illegal for decades! But do they let it drop?), why would we stomp in topside instead of burrowing up into houses or something to take them by surprise? For that matter, how would a bunch of junk in the road stop us?

I guess they can’t help it, though. The Alphas took the wolf out of the dog, but ponies still have a lot of primitive instincts rolling around in their little minds. Inside each chubby, loud-colored body beats the heart of those tiny three-toed things we sometimes find in the deep fossil forests. They see something strange, like a pack loping into town, and they spook. It’s only natural.

Anyway, Boomer was prepared for this. It would be a bit unsettling how much that dog knows about ponies, but we needed him too much to make an issue of it.

He made the guards put down their spears, like he taught them, and pulled this square of white cloth from a vest pocket, held it up, and started walking, alone, toward the barricade. He said something to them too, but I was too busy keeping watch on the surroundings to listen.

Now, while this is happening, I noticed the sky start to darken. It wasn’t any natural weather; nothing’s natural in pony lands. I looked up and saw lots of miniature clouds, tiny puffs of vapor that were somehow thick and dark as thunderheads, being pushed into position right above our heads by a dozen of the flying ponies.

So I was thinking, this isn’t how I expected it to end, not lightning-blasted by a bunch of spooked ponies while I stand out here in the open like a fool.

I kept right where I was, of course. To have my last act as a Diamond Dog, and a hound at that, be disobedience? Unthinkable! Maybe I whimpered a little, but I’m only canine.

Boomer started talking louder and waving the cloth around like some sort of talisman, but it didn’t seem to be having any impact. Then, all of a sudden, this booming-yet-childlike voice says “Stop, stop! They don’t mean us any harm! Don’t hurt them!”

So I looked in the direction of the shout, and what do I see coming from the direction of the town hall but the very pony we we’re here to meet; their newest giant.

Except she wasn’t very gigantic yet. Two ponies behind the barricade, one white and one light red, were still a good bit larger than her. Still, the lavender one had been mutated to have both the horn and the wings, so she was the one we came for.

…The one we came to talk to, I mean. See, a pony would take that wrong.

The giant landed atop the barricade, leaving her wings open in what was probably supposed to be an intimidating stance. She said, “On behalf of Eq—whoah!”

That was as far as she got before the ramshackle barrier of upturned carts and merchant stalls shifted beneath her weight, and she lost her balance, rolled down the pile and landed on her belly on our side of the wall.

There was a collective gasp from the ponies watching and a few snickers from our crew, but Boomer is never one to miss an opportunity. In the silence that fell after the giant did, I could clearly hear him say “Oh dear! Please, your highness, allow me.”

It was obvious to us dogs that he didn’t plan on hurting her; his head was high, his muzzle was relaxed, he even still had that piece of white fabric, for baying out loud! Ponies don’t get that stuff, though. He was a dog running at their fallen leader. That was all that mattered. Boomer wasn’t three paces from her when the lightning bolts started falling.

We all hate storms. Part of the reason most of our kind stay underground is to get away from those things. All the dogs around me forgot their discipline. Some tried to burrow, some grabbed for their dropped spears to fight back, and some even ran for cover, the disobedient curs! I was shouting for them to stay still and follow orders when I guess I got hit myself. It didn’t even feel like much. Just a flash of light and a pop, then I was out cold.

The things I do for the pack…

> 4. Boomer, Very Good Hound, Chief Ambassador of Diamondia
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything was going perfectly. We had those ponies right where we wanted them!

I admit that even I do not understand ponies. Certainly, I know what I have to do to encourage them to do what I wish, but the why of it may forever remain a mystery to me.

How could they seize the reins of nature itself when they lack the desire to exert the softest power over their neighbors? Why do the lesser ones never challenge the giants even though the mutated ponies go out of their way to show weakness and condescension? Why did the Alphas, if Alphas there were, bequeath so much of their power to these indolent, lackadaisical nincompoops?

More to the point, why did their princess leap forward to cover me with her wings when the bolts began to fall? Me, a creature not of her herd, an enemy from time out of pony-reckoning? How much trouble she could have saved herself if she had merely allowed her subjects to blast us from her lands!

Yet she did not. I knew she would not. Ponies are irrational, but it’s a consistent sort of irrationality.

While Twilight Sparkle had defended me, she called for the pegasi in the clouds to stop the barrage. They had, but not before most of our party was laid out on the roadway, singed and twitching.

Now, instead of dictating terms, the princess was mortified by her complete and costless victory. Her subjects had attacked a pack of Diamond Dogs whose leader held a white piece of fabric, and that somehow meant we won. Why, the only way our position could have been stronger is if those lightning bolts had done something more permanent than merely singe and stun most of my dogs!

Pity that they hadn’t. I had brought extras along for just such a stratagem.

We were walking the halls of Ponyville’s well-appointed hospital, where the casualties among my pack were laid out on pallets in the halls and lobby, with pony physicians and the uninjured dogs tending the wounded. The princess and three of her retainers followed after me as I made a great show of checking the victims of the attack.

“I—please understand, mister ambassador,” the princess stammered, “What happened was just a big misunderstanding. They didn’t… I mean, I didn’t see in time what you were doing.”

“Please don’t declare war on us, um, sir,” said Fluttershy, a retiring yellow pegasus who appeared torn between the desire to flee the crowded place and her duty to remain here with her ruler. “We’re really sorry for everything.”

I stifled a laugh at that. War? As if any civilized race could declare war on ponies! Furtive, anonymous raiding, yes, and certainly, they drew the attentions of monsters craving their power as a lodestone draws iron, but creatures who live beneath the sky with their pack and pups? How could we hope to wage war against those who had enslaved the winds, the rains and the very lights of heaven?

According to her dossier, this pegasus was extremely sensitive and empathetic, even as ponies went. To exploit this, I took a whiff from the nearest singed dog, filling my nose with the awful reek of his scorched coat. Thus prepared, my eyes watering from the odor, I looked right into Fluttershy’s own eyes.

“Madame,” I said, making my voice quaver, “please, let there be no talk of further strife between our nations. We have neither the inclination nor the ability to cause harm to you and yours. I only wish to see to the health of my brother dogs right now.”

Her eyes filled with sympathetic tears, and she nodded silently and backed away.

Well, that was one pony won over. The princess also seemed favorably inclined.

However, not all of her hangers-on were so easily swayed. The white unicorn, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, a pale blue pegasus, both had history with the Diamond Dogs. They hung back from the rest of the group, giving me and my dogs hesitant glances. Of course, I had plans to allay both their suspicions.

Before further words could be exchanged, a noise from around the corner captured our attention. With a clatter of hooves, another of the princess’s lackeys, a pink earth pony, came galloping down the hall with a basket balanced on her back. Whenever she came to one of my fallen pack members, she slid to a stop on the waxed floor. She then introduced herself, welcomed the Diamond Dog to Ponyville, asked his name, wished him a speedy recovery and stuffed something from the basket into the dog’s mouth all in a single flurry of speech and motion.

“Uh, Pinkie? Are you sure that’s okay?” Twilight called to the earth pony. “It is okay, right?” she asked me. “She just likes greeting everypo—everyone, she’s so friendly, and I’m sure whatever she’s got in that basket…” The princess’s eyes widened. “Pinkie!” she shouted again, “there’s no chocolate in those, right?”

The pink pony skipped up to us, blowing a derisive raspberry. “What? No! Don’t be silly, Twilight. I got something way better, see?” She set the basket on the ground and withdrew a cookie, still warm, shaped like a stylized femur. “Here you go, mister ambassador! Welcome to Ponyville. We’re all really sorry about the mix-up this morning, so I whipped up some yummy doggy treats to help us get off on the right hoof… or paaaaw?” She wiggled her eyebrows at me and pressed the biscuit into my paw.

I bit into the pastry without sniffing, not wanting to insult our hosts, and, to my horror, tasted the bitter flavor of almonds beneath copious amounts of sugar. I froze with half the cookie in my mouth, staring in astonishment at the cold-blooded pony who had smiled as she had poisoned my entire company with cyanide. How could she…? How could a pony…? I must have been wrong about them all this time. That must be it. I had never understood what they were capable of, and now I would pay the price.

Pinkie’s face fell at my reaction. “Aww, you don’t like it?” she said. “Sorry. I know regular doggies shouldn’t have too much chocolate or other sweet stuff, so I tried to find something else, but all we had in the kitchen were a bunch of crushed almonds.”

“C-cruffhd… ahlmmns?” I asked around the cookie still in my mouth.

“Yeah. Not your favorite, huh?” She took another cookie from the basket, tossed it into the air and devoured it in one bite. “That’s okay. I’ll just get rid of these and make you something else then, alright? What’s your most favorite-est thing to eat? Favorite-est thing that’s not an animal, I mean.”

I remembered my training, wiped the fear from my face and finished eating the biscuit. “No, no, this is very good. I was simply amazed by the quality of pony baking.”

Pinkie beamed and blushed. “Aww, thanks! I’m just glad I could make your day a little better, mister dog, sir!” The others smiled as well. None of the ponies had made the connection. Such a thing hadn’t even crossed their minds.

“Well, um, whenever you think you’re all well enough to go the rest of the way to Canterlot, we’d be happy to see you off.” Twilight said. “It’s just a quick train trip up the mountain, and the princesses’ palace is the biggest building there. You can’t miss it!”

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. “Why do I need to travel further?” I asked. “Am I not already in the presence of a princess of Equestria? You are the princess of friendship, I understand. Diamondia is in dire need of a friend right now.”

The newest princess bit her lip, lowered her ears and pawed the floor, looking even more uncertain. She also looked distinctly flattered. “I don’t know,” she said. “I mean, I am a princess, but....”

“Oh come now, dear!” Rarity said. “The dog is right. You are the princess of friendship! Weren’t you so worried about not knowing what you were supposed to do for Equestria?” The unicorn gave me a knowing look. “This is it! If you can help this poor poochy-kins and make things better between ponies and dogs, that’ll be quite the feather in your cap!”

I smiled hopefully, even as I suspected the unicorn merely wanted to extract more jewels from us.

“We really should at least do something to make up for bucking all that lighting on them,” Fluttershy added.

Twilight Sparkle tilted her head one way, then another, apparently trying to make a decision. “Okay,” she said at last. “I’ll listen to whatever you’ve got to say, ambassador. Whenever you’re ready, bring whoever you want with you and we’ll meet at my castle.”

Rainbow Dash continued watching me with distrust, but with this concession from the princess, I deemed our quest to be nearly victorious.
> 5. Rascal
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I waited with the prisoners in an anteroom off the main hall while the chief and the ponies yapped it out.

Boomer merely told us to not touch anything and wait around to be summoned. The three curs were happy to do so, still intoxicated with the scent of future hound-hood. I don’t see how being a hound is great as all that, myself. The pack expects a lot more of you in return for a shinier collar.

It was just as well that it kept them in line, though. The ambassador, in his wisdom, had ordered me to remove their obedience collars before the audience with the giant. This made things very boring. I finally gave up waiting like a good dog and joined the curs with their ears pressed to the door.

The giant’s castle looks like it’s grown out of crystal, but I can’t identify exactly what it’s made of. Whatever it is, the doors really carry sound. A big oversight, if you ask me. I could hear Boomer clear as a bell on the other side.

“…And whenever we accumulate a stockpile of gems of sufficient size, a gang of dragons will arrive to extort them from us. When we fought back, nearly everything flammable in Diamondia was destroyed and many Diamond Dogs are seriously wounded or missing.”

“You just immediately fought it out?” said one of the normal ponies. “Didn’t you at least try to talk about it first?”

All four of us at the door rolled our eyes.

“Yeah,” another pony said, “Why do Diamond Dogs like gems ‘n jewels ‘n stuff so much, anyway? Dog-dogs don’t. Dragons gotta eat them… eat the jewels, I mean, not the doggies.”

“I’m pretty sure they can do both, sugarcube,” a different pony said.

“Dragons don’t usually go out of their way to just steal things from populated areas, either,” said the giant. “Are you certain none of the Diamond Dogs took anything from a dragon’s hoard?”

Ugh. Leave it to a pony to sympathize with dragons.

“Your highness,” Boomer said, “we came to you because ponies have magic. Ponies can resist the dragons. Dogs cannot; we can only hide or yield or perish. Dragons know this. They have no reason to listen to parley or fear us in numbers. We are helpless and exploited!”

Fido frowned at this. “The hound shouldn’t call the pack weak.”

I shushed him with a growl. “Very Good Hound Boomer says whatever he has to say to make good things happen for the pack. That is his special duty.”

The giant began speaking beyond the door again.

“Do you have any proof of these claims, ambassador?” she asked. “Even if I were to aid you personally rather than involving the rest of Equestria, I can’t act on just your say-so.”

“Of course! Merely journey to Diamondia, three days’ travel for one with the power of flight, and see for yourself what they have done to us, if there is still anything left by now,” Boomer said. “Your friend knows the way.”

“I do, but I still don’t see why we should take sides in this,” a surly pony voice replied. “Dogs, dragons; they both try to take advantage of us if they think they can get away with it. If they want to destroy each other now, why can’t we just sit back, make some popcorn and hope they both win?”

“Rainbow Dash!” another pony scolded. “This is an entire nation we’re talking about!”

The three prisoners’ ears pricked up at the voice.

“Is that…?” Spot asked.

Fido nodded. “I think so.”

“Miss Rarity!” said Rover with a shudder.

“There are bad Diamond Dogs out there, I won’t pretend there aren’t,” the pony continued. “And there are bad dragons too. But there are also dragons like Spikey-wikey! I refuse to believe that we should write off an entire kingdom just because we’ve met some… some bad eggs.”

Fido looked touched. “She remembers us!”

She did, and yet she was speaking up for us dogs against a fellow pony. What a messed-up society! Without their huge advantage in magic, allowing upstarts and dissenters like this would have broke them apart and ruined them long ago. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, it’s just that dogs know better than to allow things like this in their own packs. Thank the Alphas ponies didn’t!

“Rarity’s right,” said a strange voice. It sounded like it was trying to imitate the squeaky, chirpy pony accent, but not quite succeeding. “Dragons will do all the things he said, especially when the first hoarding instinct hits them. You all saw how it went when, uh, when….”

“Shh, say no more, we understand,” the one called Rarity consoled.

“Yeah, and dogs’ll pony-nap ponies when they find one alone,” Rainbow Dash retorted. “The dogs in this kingdom were holding Trixie against her will when I came out there.”

We could hear the chief sigh from all the way from the main hall. “Please understand, what happened with our latest queen was merely a problem of miscommunication. Any ill-will and deception were not on our part.”

“You had her trapped! She wasn’t able to leave your kingdom!”

“She freely chose to accept the throne, and she was kept there only by her unwillingness to admit that she could not perform the duties of her office,” Boomer stated.

“Nuh-uh,” Rainbow Dash said. “We had to do this whole crazy plan just to get her out. You think we believe you’d just let her walk out the gate after she made you treat her like a queen for a month?”

“What would we have done?” Boomer asked, “smash her face-first against the edge of our domain over and over like you did? I assure you, Diamond Dogs aren’t that cruel.”

I remember when that happened. It was hilarious! The pony didn’t think so, though.

“I bet you would’ve torn her to pieces or something!” she yelled. “Every one of you we’ve met has been trying to control ponies. First with force, then with that magic crown, and now with words. We’re not falling for it!”

I have no idea how the chief keeps his voice so calm and even when arguing, but he does, and it is almost scary. Normal dogs bark and growl, and even ponies raise their squeaky voices. However he does it, it always makes him sound right, like voice-magic or something. It’s eerie. The louder the angry pony got, the quieter and more peaceful Boomer sounded. “Your highness,” he said, “I dearly wish we could simply speak with the dragons and come to a peaceful resolution, but when even your subjects, kind and open-minded as only ponies can be, are unwilling to give us a fair hearing, how can we expect better from dragons? If—”

His voice-trick was clearly getting to the Rainbow pony. “Shut up!” she interrupted. “Shut your mouth, take your pack and get out of Equestria right now! You guys are all the same; nothing but trouble!”

“Rainbow Dash!” another pony scolded, “Cool your jets.”

“I can certainly understand how you may have reached this conclusion,” Boomer said. “Let me provide a counter-example. Your highness, may my companions enter?”

“What? Oh, sure. Spike, go get the other dogs, would you?”

I stood and pulled the other three away from the door. “That’s our cue, pups,” I said. “Now I want you three quiet as dead mice and looking proper sorry for whatever you did to the giant’s little friend. The chief will handle the talking.”

The three curs wagged and nodded excitedly.

I smacked them all upside the head with one sweep of my paw. “I said, ‘look sorry!’ Tails low, eyes down, jaws shut!”

Just as they got in shape, the door opened and this little purple and green dragon slithered his head through. “Hey guys, they want you to come in now,” the dragon said in that weird pony-parody voice.

I drew back with a snarl. So the ponies had a tiny dragon working for them? And as a butler too? Well, I guess it means we came to the right place. I mean, who ever heard of taming a dragon? Where’d they even get it?

I got over my surprise pretty quick, but the dragon still gave me some strange looks. “Alright curs, move out! No funny business!” I barked, and we all trooped off to the castle’s main hall behind the dragon as fast as it could go on those little stubby legs.

We arrived at a room I was almost certain was too large to actually fit inside the building. Probably more crazy pony magic at work. There was also crazy pony architecture. The chamber’s major feature was a round table with six big rock thrones around it and another smaller rock chair that the dragon crawled into. It looked more like a really upscale restaurant than a throne room. Our chief had a smaller wooden chair provided for him, but he wasn’t using it. Boomer likes to pace.

“Behold,” he said with a wave as we made our entrance, “the difference between good Diamond Dogs and bad ones. I believe you’ve had dealings with these three before?”

“Oh my!” the white unicorn gasped.

Fido began to wave at her, but I stepped on his paw until he remembered his role.

The rainbow-colored one raised an eyebrow. “Where’d you find those dogs? Your chancellor guy said those three were kicked out of the pack.”

“We stumbled across these three criminals stalking within the borders of your lands.”

“But why bring them back here?” the giant asked.

Boomer smiled, carefully keeping his teeth hidden. “We understand these Diamond Dogs are criminal kidnappers. We deliver them to your justice to show that we have nothing to do with bad dogs like that. Is this acceptable?”

The ponies looked back and forth at each other, like they didn’t know what to do. “Um, thanks, I guess?” said the giant. “We’d normally just expel them or something. Banishment to Tartarus is a bit too severe.”

Ponies thought sending Diamond Dogs to the underworld was a punishment? I snickered in spite of myself. I think the giant noticed, though.

Then, the pony the prisoners had recognized spoke up. “If I may, since I was the pony kidnapped, can I say something?”

The giant nodded. “Sure, Rarity.”

The pony chewed her lip before continuing. “I know that these three dogs haven’t been actually tried or sentenced or anything, and we all know what they did anyway, but… I think they’ve already paid for what they did, haven’t they? I wasn’t hurt, and they let us keep all those lovely gems they dug up. I think you should call it even.”

Her ruler smiled. “That’s very forgiving of you, Rarity. Okay, then. As a princess of Equestria, I officially pardon these three Diamond Dogs. Go in peace and don’t grab any more ponies, alright?”

Well I’ll be. The chief had been telling those idiots the truth. I guess he does that sometimes. I wasn’t looking forward to actually having these losers as pack-mates again.

Rover, Spot and Fido were wagging and nodding enthusiastically to the giant while Boomer stepped back to the fore. “I trust we’ve made our point, your highness?” he said, making it look as if he were really pleased to take these curs back into the pack. “Do you feel you can trust us now?”

The giant leaned back on her throne and tapped the tips of her front hooves together. “The only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t know the first thing about Diamond Dogs, ambassador. You’ve personally done a very good job appealing to us ponies, but none of your followers seem to think like you. They’re just following the leader. What if you're, ah,” and then she glanced right at me, “ ‘saying whatever you have to say to help the pack?’ What if those three are just ‘looking sorry?’ ”

I couldn't meet her eyes.

The giant turned her gaze back to Boomer. "I still don't believe we know what Diamond Dogs are really like. How can we be friends with strangers?”

Worthless stinking tail-chase! I knew this whole thing was a boondoggle! Boomer had hurt the pack by wasting time and dogs trying to get ponies to help us against the dragons. If there was still a Diamondia to return to, He'd get in big trouble for this failure... and so would I if he realized the giant had overheard me.

But Boomer hadn’t given up hope yet. “Of course, your highness,” he said, bowing. “What may we do to help you understand who we are?”

The giant got this gleam in her big purple eyes. “Actually, ambassador, I’ve come up with a few ideas since this morning….”

Everything pretty much went downhill from there.
> 6. Gristle
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lot of the other Diamond Dogs complained about their new jobs, but I was happy when I got mine.

Back before I became a guard dog, I used to watch the pigs and rabbits and chickens on one of the farms at the edge of the kingdom. It was nice out there, but lonely. Usually dogs only get sent out to the farm when they’re too old and weak to mine anymore. I was born there, though, so it’s always felt like my home.

Miss Fluttershy’s home reminds me of the farm. It was so quiet, except for the animals. The pony herself barely speaks louder than a whisper most of the time.

At first, I didn’t understand why a pony would bother with animals when she couldn’t even eat them. And there were so many different kinds too! The pony had a few chickens in a coop, but there were also every other bird you could imagine. There were all sorts of animals that usually live in forests, or in swamps or way out in the wilds. The smells were amazing! I wish I could have bottled some to take home.

The animals all hid from me at first, but she talked to them, and I guess they all understood somehow because they became as fearless of me as they were of her. I had a pair of squirrels running around and chasing each other over my back and paws and some birds kept on landing on my head all day. They tickle!

There was also a bear, but I don’t think he ever really liked me. He was always looking at me like the pony was his cub and I’d better not try anything or he’d make me regret it. He even tried to show his teeth at me a couple times. When Fluttershy wasn’t looking, I showed him the claw necklace I wear under my breastplate and licked my chops real slow and easy. He still gave me the stink-eye after that, but he kept his distance. Bear is real easy to hunt even with a small pack if we have armor and good noses, and it tastes great.

Well, there was work too. She said she needed help with animals. I showed her my best herding skills even before she asked, running real close behind the animals and just sort of showing them where I wanted them to go, but giving slowbies and rebels little barks and nips at the heels when they broke away from the rest. It didn’t work so well with most of them, especially the birds. The pony kept flying over my head, making squeaking noises and telling me to be careful and to be a little gentler and to stop biting and so on until she was just sort of holding her hooves over her face and saying ‘stop’ over and over again.

She told me to leave the herding to her and put me to work moving things that weren’t alive, like food and after-food. This wasn’t as fun as herding, but Boomer said to do whatever the ponies wanted us to do, so I did it.

Everything went well until the pony came to check on me at the end of the day. She said I did a good job and that I was a nice Diamond Dog and she would tell all her friends. Then she asked if I wanted to know anything so I could understand ponies better.

I asked her why she took care of wild animals.

She said they needed her help to make sure they were safe and fed and knew how to do things.

That made no sense to me. If animals needed all that help, how were they wild? The animals around her were like the livestock we kept on our farms that couldn’t get by without us.

The pony showed me the pictures of bugs on her hips and said the pictures told her that helping animals was her job, and they made it so she could understand what animals were thinking.

I understood. She was like the Diamond Dog who got sent out to the farm because he thought mail carriers were giving him secret messages that told him to bite everyone. Poor crazy pony, no wonder she lives way away from the others.

That dog always got angry when I told him he was crazy, so I didn’t mention it, and after it was quiet for a while she asked me about how I learned to herd, and said I reminded her of some lady dog named Winona.

I told her about how I had worked on a farm most of my life, and I don’t think she understood me, because she said it made her so happy to know that dogs looked after animals the way ponies did.

She asked me if I missed being around my animal friends and I said yes, so she told me that she’s always trying to find ponies to take animals away from her, and she would like to give me one because I was such a good worker and to help my pack and her herd to be friends.

I was about to ask for that bear, but I remembered Boomer’s instructions and pointed to one of the fish in the pond instead. She thought a little and said Rainbow Splash was very special to her, but I could have her if I really wanted to. Then she laughed and said she used to be too overprotective of fish, and even once sailed across the sea with a pirate just to find a lost fish one time. She said she was better now about letting things go.

Fluttershy went off to get a bowl, and she just laughed again when I told her I didn’t expect ponies to have bowls for fish. She was quick, too. I was still waiting for Rainbow Splash (and a few other frogs and things who got in the way) to stop thrashing on the end of my spear when the pony got back with the bowl. I didn’t mind too much that she dropped the bowl and broke it when she started screaming. It was way too deep to eat from, anyway.

I don’t remember too much after that. Fluttershy’s eyes went weird and she started getting a lot louder and scarier-looking than I thought ponies could get, and then the next thing I know I was running back into our camp as fast as I could go with my tail between my legs.

I think that maybe that pony is still too attached to fish.
> 7. Pepper
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

She’d be the best for this, they said. Pepper’s going to have a litter someday, they said. Pony pups aren’t so different, they said.

Stupid, mangy, flea-bitten, toothless….

“Today we have a very special opportunity, class,” the teacher pony chirped. “We’re going to get a chance to meet a Diamond Dog and talk to him—”

I cleared my throat.

“Yes, Mr. Pepper?” she asked, looking at me with the most forced of smiles.

“I’m a… I’m female, and a hound,” I said.

That smile of hers twitched a bit. “Okay! See? We’re already learning. Now, who has a question for our guest?”

Her class just stared at me, wide-eyed and frightened. Ponies! Always scared. One of the friendship princess’s followers, the polychrome pegasus, was sitting in the corner of the room making sure I didn’t do anything to their pups, as if that was even a possibility. What did they think I was, rabid?

After an interminable silence, one of the little ponies raised its hoof near the back of the class.

“Yes, Snips,” the teacher said, “What would you like to ask Miss Pepper the Hound?”

“Just Hound Pepper, please,” I corrected.

The princess’s retainer snorted and rolled her eyes, as if calling me by my right name was too much bother for ponies. Haughty little feather-brain.

“Have you ever eaten a pony?” the pup in the back asked.

I probably shouldn’t have said, “Why, are you offering?” but it was just too tempting. The class burst into an uproar of squeals and whispers, and the rainbow pony looked like she was about to tackle me.

“That was just a little Diamond Dog humor,” I explained, watching the crouched pegasus from the corner of my eye. “Of course I haven’t eaten any ponies. It’s forbidden for dogs to eat ponies.”

“What about cows? Can you eat them?” the pup said.

“No, cows are also not to be eaten.”

“Sheep?”

“No sheep.”

“How about—”

“Diamond Dogs are not allowed to eat any creature with the power of speech.” I interrupted.

He thought for a moment. “What if—what if there was a pony who couldn’t talk? Could you eat that pony?”

I looked the pup right in the eye. “I would never rob the world of such a treasure,” I said through gritted teeth.

“O-kay!” the teacher said, stepping between me and the class. “Give everypony a chance, Snips. Who else has a question?”

The pup right next to Snips waved his hoof in the air.

“Yes, Snails?”

“Do you eat bugs?”

Several pups giggled.

I shrugged and said that I could if I had to.

The class recoiled in a chorus of eww-s and gagging noises. Oh, like eating filthy grass and leaves was any better?

“If I gave you a bug right now, would you eat it?” Snails asked.

“Thank you, Snails,”  the purple pony said. “Who has a question that’s not about her diet?”

A pony wearing oversized glasses beneath a curly mess of red hair tried to get the instructor’s attention.

“Yes, Twist!” her teacher said, looking relieved.

“Um, um,” the redhead stalled, “do Diamond Dogth have frienth?”

“What a good question!” the teacher said, beaming. She turned to me. “Do you have friends, Hound Pepper?”

Sheesh. Ponies and their one-trick minds. “I have more than just friends,” I told them. “I have a pack. We all look out for each other, and work for the good of the whole. Every Diamond Dog in the pack can trust every other one. None of them goes around trying to win fame or control over each other. We just give what we can and do whatever we do best to help the pack succeed as a unit. That’s what it means to be a Diamond Dog.”

Twist looked confused. “Oh. Um, but who are your frienth?”

I didn’t understand what she meant. We of the pack were all knit together into one!

“But like, is there a dog you share thecrets with?” the little pony lisped, “or a dog you make spethial promithes with that you’ll alwayth be together no matter what?”

The question was absurd. “Why would I keep secrets from the rest of the pack?” I shot back. “That’s little better than deception. It weakens us all. And Diamond Dogs don’t need to swear oaths. What kind of nasty, dishonest folk would have a special type of language just to show that they aren’t lying!?” My voice got a bit too barky toward the end there.

Twist shrank back into her seat and squeaked, “thorry, Hound Pepper.”

After another stretch of silence an especially tiny pegasus with glasses and a rhinestone tiara raised her hoof.

“Ah… yes!” the teacher said, pointing to her, then raised an eyebrow. “Zipporwhill? What are you doing here? You’re not starting school until next year, little filly. Do your parents know where you are?”

“I came because I heard about the doggy!” the pony said, undaunted. “She’s so pretty! Can I pet her?”

The teacher looked back and forth from me to the pup, embarrassed. “Zipporwhill, Hound Pepper isn’t like the doggies we keep as pets. She’s like a pony. You can’t just go up and pet a pony.”

The pup deflated. “Oh…”

Well, I was supposed to be getting ponies to like us, and I’d been tanking so far. At least this would be better than eating bugs.

“It’s fine,” I said, kneeling down and beckoning to Zipporwhill. “Come here, pup.”

Though the two adult ponies looked anxious, the little crowned pegasus let out a happy giggle and bounded over to me without a second thought. She fluttered up to my head, buried her face in one of my jowls, and began cooing about how it was so sad that I didn’t have any friends and how she would be my friend if I wanted.

When I just stood there and allowed the pup to cling to me, a couple other students got bold and walked over too. The dam broke a minute after that, and I was soon being prodded, grabbed and petted by the whole class.

So here’s something I learned about ponies today: being petted by them is awful. It feels like being lightly beaten and scraped by the dirty blade of a very small shovel. I don’t know how their own dumb dogs put up with it.

The teacher finally stepped in and pried them off of me when a couple started tugging my tail, and then dismissed the pups for recess.

“I’m really glad you could visit, Miss… Hound,” she said once the class was empty. “Young ponies are just so boisterous and full of energy! I think they really like you.” She looked imploringly at the rainbow pony, who was pretending to ignore me now that the pups were gone. “If you’d like to stay for the rest of the day, that’d be just fine.”

“Sorry,” the pegasus said, “I can only stay for a little while longer. I’ll take Zipporwhill home, then I got to get back to work. When I go, Hound Pepper goes.”

That was more than fine with me! I didn’t want to be in this stuffy pony-smelling schoolhouse one moment longer. I told them there was no need to wait around for me, excused myself and went outside into the fresh air.

The pups were running around all over the place, laughing and squealing or playing little games a lot like our own pups do, but with a lot less digging and wrestling. None of them were paying attention to me.

Good! I needed a break to work off some of the pent-up stress that comes from dealing with ponies. I picked up a nice long, straight branch from the ground, broke off the smaller limbs and peeled off the bark near one end to represent the blade. Nothing relaxes me quite like spear exercises.

I went through the routine from memory, flowing through turns, thrusts, feints, spins and reversals with the grace of years of practice. With each strike, I imagined I was plunging the spearhead between the belly scales of a dragon, or under the base of its wing, or right into its big slitted eye. That’s what I should have been doing, not hanging around here making nice with a bunch of ponies.

I got so caught up in the motions, I didn’t notice the crowd of pony pups watching me until I nearly hit one.

“Wowwww…” a pup said, as I stopped the stick an inch from his chubby face. “That was so cool!”

“It’s like she’s dancing!” said another, stomping her feet (which I later learned was the pony version of the high-wag.)

A few others had already found sticks of their own and were trying to imitate me. It was really sad to watch. Ponies don’t have anything like the agility we have on two feet, and they can barely hold their sticks without opposable digits. A scrawny one ran at me, giggling, and tried to hit me with the point of his ‘spear’.

Now there was something I never expected a pony to try, especially on a creature eight times his size! I disarmed the upstart with a flick of my own weapon, snatched him off the ground with one paw and brought his face level with mine. A hush fell over the pups.

“That was the clumsiest spearwork I’ve ever seen, pup!” I growled. “If I was a bad dog, you’d be kibble by now!”

He whimpered and covered his face with his hooves.

Something moved me. Maybe it was how the tiny pony attacking the big dog was like how I wanted to fight the dragons. Maybe it was the same look of excitement I’d seen on Diamond Dog pups the first time they held a weapon. Maybe the Alphas were right after all, and we’re all of the same pack. Heck, if we’re going for long shots, maybe it was my maternal instincts finally getting in gear.

Whatever it was, I set him back on the ground, picked up his little stick, and held it out to him. “How about I teach you ponies how to do it right?” I said, tail swinging back and forth.

The pups cheered.





“Miss… um, Hound Pepper!” the teacher called to me. “Just what is going on here?”

I ignored her for the moment. “Don’t let your spear dip, Apple Bloom,” I barked. “Remember, angle upward beneath the breastbone then stab right through the heart!”

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Lancers, yay!” she and a couple other ponies yelled.

“Everypony, stop this roughhousing at once!” the teacher ordered, then turned to me again. “What are you doing? Why are my students hitting each other with sticks? —Ouch! Featherweight!”

“Bring the point over your head as you turn, Featherweight,” I admonished my star pupil. “If you swing it around your side it’s just going to smack into something.”

“Hound Pepper!”

I finally gave the noisy pony my attention.

“What are you making my ponies do?” she said, red-faced.

Wasn’t it obvious? “I am helping fill some major gaps in their education,” I said.

“We’re going to be really strong and tough and go fight the evil dragons!” Scootaloo crowed.

“Nopony is going to learn to hurt anypony at my school!” the teacher scolded. “Now put those sticks down and come back inside at once. Recess is over.”

A great ‘aww’ rose from the pups, but they did as they were told and filed back into the building. As the last one entered, the teacher stood at the door, staring daggers at me and fuming.

“You know,” she said, “I believed it when I heard that you dogs don’t kidnap ponies anymore. I would never have let you near my little fillies and colts otherwise.”

I tried to tell her that the ‘fighting dragons’ part was purely voluntary.

“No. I don’t mean that.” She said. “There are so many bad things out there. I don’t want my little ponies enticed into a life of fighting and struggling and pain. The princesses keep the bad things out so we can live in peace here. If monsters want to tear each other to pieces, they should stay in their own part of the world and do it and leave us alone.”

She turned to re-enter her schoolhouse. “Don’t you ever come back here again or I’ll call the guard.”

Ponies! What can you do? I guess the pups aren’t so bad, but you’ve got to train them early.