Saving Equestria
He looked up, what he saw both surprised, confused & angered him. It was an alligator, but it had no teeth! It was a toothless alligator, a gummed alligator, a… Gummy, if you will… gummy gimmy gammy gumm gum.
None the less, as he casted his view into the sky, he say this… this Gummy, as it fell, toothless mouth wide open, onto his face! Where had it even come from?! Last he knew, he was fighting the evil legions of Pinkimiss Maximus. Then out of nowhere Gummy alligators start falling from the sky? I mean, really? What the hell man! That is not how wars are supposed to be fought! Not even pony wars! And those wars DO have rules! Oh well… weirder things have happened, epically since Pinkiemiss Maximus came to power as emperor over all of Equestria.
Pinky Pie was a happy bubbly little pony until she went to the great debates of ’62. This is where Pinkamena came out and personally assassinated all the ambassadors, negotiators, debaters, and mass-debaters. After that, Pinkiemiss Maximus came out and declared herself “God-King-Queen-Emperor-ruler-person” and out of fear of also being assassinated by Pinkamena, all of equestrian went “Meh,” and let their newfound overlord do whatever the hay filled her little heart with joy. For you see, Equestrians in those days of age frankly, didn’t give a flying shit-bucket hoot, not a single one.
These days of ages, they give exactly seven, because seven is a cool-ass number… bitch. Dew to those exactly seven flying shit-bucket hoot’s, there was the rebellion pony war, which wasn’t as much a rebellion pony war, as it was a few pissed off drunk guys trying to like, I dono, not be… uh… under the evil overlords rulelyness. So that’s why he was like, fighting the evil legions, which weren’t exactly evil legions, but more like some sticks that were put up in a field to protect the palace castle thingy that lied in an adjacent field. None the less, when you’re drunk, those vertically placed sticks can seem like some bad assed modafuckrs. All was going well for the pissed off drunken guys in the epic battle of absolute retardidity until an alligator fell out of the sky and landed his gums on the one drunk dudes face.
He ran around screaming “AaaHh, tHerES An ilLEgrAta OnnS MeeesS faACeEE!!!” all a while swinging his sward with his unicorn magic like a mad-mare. Eventually the suction in the gums of Gummy finally failed and the little reptile retreated back to the castle catapult where he was originally launched from.
Shortly after, the drunk (and probably also high) unicorn guy realized that he kinda… like sliced and diced and killed all his drunk buddies to death. Upon realizing that he had just suffered a defeat to some sticks in a field, he went “bwaaa” in a high pitch sissy tone, threw down his sword like a pussy, and stomped away like a little brat filly. What a sissy pussy brat.
Later that day he stumbled into a little town and bumped into a certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time. He said to her these words exactly “Hey you wanna like, go fight some of the evil overlords armies and restore balance and stuff to the land.”
The certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time simply snorted at him and replied “I’m not sure whether or not you know but I’m the head general of the evil overlord’s armies so screw off. And even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to fight a battle with you, you seem like you’d be a sissy pussy brat who would accidently kill me to death because of some sort of toothless aquatic reptilian predator being stuck to your face or something stupid like that.”
For the second time that day, he went “bwaaa” in a high pitch sissy tone, threw down his sword like a pussy, and stomped away like a little brat filly.
The certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time laughed as he left and yelled “See ya later when I gotta kill ya for trying to invade the palace castle thingy that rest in the field adjacent to the field you where you were just battling sticks in like a retard and killed all your friends to death.”
Not long after that he ran into another mare whose name CAN be released at this time, but I’m not gunna tell you who it is…………..… it was Twilight ok. She said “dude, you just totally like, derped it up out there on that field adjacent to the field with the big castle palace thingy! Gnarly! I thought Derpy was the only one who could like, derp like that. Totally radical man! Who are you anyway?”
He said “I'ms the guy who just killed those guys to death on that field adjacent to the field you where the big castle palace thingy lies”
“No no, I mean the name”
“Who’s”
“Yours”
“My what?”
“What?”
“Hunh?”
“Never mind”
“Who are you?” he finally asked after much shared confusion.
She replied using her words and stuff. This is what she said, “I’m the t-w-i-l-i-g-h-t, aint no other pony gunna troll like me. I’m twilightlicous.”
He spent the next couple weeks in a tree library thingy with Twilightlicous. She told him of the many horrors that the ponies of the land have seen under the rule of Pinkiemiss Maximus. Apparently ponies from around there gave more than seven flying monkey shits, or whatever the hell I wrote earlier…
Anyways, she like... trained him and stuff. They also did other things since Twilightlicous didn’t mind sissy pussy brats near as much as most ponies did. Yes they did do many things, many, many things, many things involving socks. Most of those things he didn’t even know a mare and a stallion could do, but they did them regardless.
They also like, looked up spells and stuff to give him Devin powers so he could defeat the evil pink overlord and her ruthless general who just so happened to be a certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time.
The fate of Equestrian was in his hooves, would he be able to restore peace and harmony to the land? Well just read the rest of the story and you’ll find out you silly filly.
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(Ha ha ha, it’s a story and you still have to suffer through intermission, sucks to be you! Now feel the wrath of my cheesy intermission tunes! “Ba ba de bla bla de da… and so on…”
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“Holly shit rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time. How the hay did he get past your guards?!” screamed the evil pink overlord in terror and rage.
(Ha-ha, now you gotta figure out what the hay is happening, I’ll give you a hint, he stormed the castle with the peasants and now he is about to battle Pinkiemiss Maximus and a certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time so that he can turn them back to good and restore peace and stuff to the land.)
“They took a personal day.” The certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time calmly stated.
“All on the same day?” Pinkiemiss Maximus questioned.
Before the certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time could respond, a certain “Yeeeuuuuupp” was heard from a distance. It was the kind of yeeeuuuuupp that one would expect to have originated from some sort of large red work stallion, epically if that large red work stallion happened to have a big green apple on his flank.
“Even privet pansy?” asked a certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time.
“Yeeeuuuupp” repeated itself
“Well that’s weird” the evil overlord mused
“Don’t worry Pinkiemiss Maximus, I’ll just kill him. That way he will be dead and we don’t have to worry about him.”
As the certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time approached him, he steadied himself and thought of nothing else but those who were suffering and those who were depending on him. He tightened his muscles and thought about what Twilightlicous had taught him, everything she had taught him, everything. He prepared himself mentally and physically for what was sure to be the battle of the century.
Out of the corner of his eye he could see Pinkiemiss Maximus’s tail a twitchy twitching. Then a meteor fell out of the sky and crushed him. Then he died… to death.
“Damn it all to hell! Every bucking time someone storms the castle, a damn meteor kills them! I really wanted to kill him to death! Stupid meteor!” scowled a certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time in rage.
“Ah damn, that must suck. Sorry certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time… Hey! You know what should lift your spirits. Let’s go have sex! Than we can go be evil overlords and make a lot of ponies suffer and stuff!”
“Meh, fine, I guess so.” A certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time grumbled.
“Come on certain rainbow manned cyan Pegasus whose name cannot be released at this time, turn that frown upside down.”
“Oh Pinkiemiss Maximus, you’re so random.”
“There you go, that’s the spirit!”
And then they had sex, and it was good sex. After that they went off and made a lot of people suffer because they were evil overlords and they can do shit like that. But before that, they did one of those awesome bad-assed jumping freeze-frame bro-hooves. And they all lived happily ever after. Except for all those ponies that didn’t ‘cuse they were suffering under two evil overlords, but they don’t mater. THE END