“Umbra! Oh Umbraaaaaaa!” Came the feminine, singsong voice of Eris, the half-draconequus. Her long, snakelike body practically draped over a sofa as she called out for the shadow-walker. Her body was similar to that of a normal draconequus, although her limbs were symmetrical; her legs were goat hooves and her arms were both like lions’ paws. Her horns were much like a chinese lung dragon. The only thing that was not the same on either side of her were her wings. One was leathery and shaped like a bat’s wing while the other was feathery like a pegasus wing.
Her bored expression only set more as she called out once more. “Umbra! Come on… I’m bored…”
WHOOSH
“Eris...please, remove your hooves from my sofa. Cleaning it every time you decide to pop in is getting repetitive and tedious.”
She turns her head to look at him, “You know that I paid for this one…” She replies with a small smile and half-lidded eyes. “But that’s not the point… I’ve come here for a request.”
Umbra sighs, pinching his forehead area, “I do realize that but it’s in my house, I use it, therefore it’s mine...Request? What request?”
She lets out a sigh and moves her hooves off the couch before smirking and slithering her way over to him, coiling around him once. “Would you mind oh-so-terribly to give your favorite Half-draconequus temporary admin status?”
“...Yes. I could very well lose my job for that, and then who would you mooch off of, hmm? Not to mention that I’d be immediately annihilated if I lost my position as a SysAdmin…”
“Well… I don’t mean with the same abilities as you… being an orderly chaos spirit and whatnot… Just enough to make my own Displaced… not quite the same amount as that Merchant fellow… just two.” She says with puppy-dog eyes.
Umbra stares back, completely unfazed by the female’s antics. “You can already do that, Eris. It’s not my fault you haven’t figured out a way to use your Chaos magic to travel through the Void and pull anything with you...even if the Void is a cesspool of Chaos and Paradox already… are you sure you inherited your mother’s intellect? I recall Fluttershy being much more...intelligent... when she was your age.” The last part was delivered not in a deadpan, but in as smug a manner as possible, with a smirk literally tracing its way across his face.
Eris’ eyes widen in realization. “Wait… Daddy lied to me…?” Her face twists into a little scowl as she starts pacing around the room. “Of course he did! Stubborn old goat… HE told me that Chaos magic wasn’t strong enough to do that!” She lets out a small growl, “I am going to wring his neck the next time I see him!”
Umbra chuckles, “Discord has, across an infinite spread of Universes, across an infinite spread of Time, done exactly what you want to do...just by snapping his fingers and thinking that it’d be...Chaotic. I suppose you, being half pony, couldn’t do it so simply, eh? Oh, and by the way...consider his neck wrung.” Cue Evil Smirk™.
…
Meanwhile, in Fluttershy’s cottage
Fluttershy nearly has a panic attack when out of nowhere, her husband’s neck is twisted a full forty two revolutions around, involuntarily. She then notices the small card fluttering to a stop in front of her face. She reads it aloud, “One neck wringing...deliverer: Umbra Shadow-Walker… commissioner: Eris?”
“Oh my, I wonder why our daughter would do such a thing?”
Discord lets his head spin back at a dizzying speed, catching his cheeks once his neck is back to its proper position and lets his eyeballs spin around a few times. “Oh… That’s just what I needed, You know Fluttershy, I’ve had that pain in the lower part of my neck for a week straight and just couldn’t figure out how to get rid of it. I’m going to have to thank Eris later.” He says with a smile.
…
Back at Umbra’s House a.k.a Right Across Ponyville
Eris lets out a happy sigh as she leans up against Umbra again. “You know… You’re so… interesting… no, fascinating… no, that’s not it either… Oh, what’s the word I’m looking for…?” She begins to twist her face into an adorable pout. “It’s so amazing to see anything as interesting as a living shadow like you.” She finally decides.
“I know, you’ve told me this approximately three hundred times since I met you...three years ago.” More deadpan from the living shadow. “And you come over like, every three days…”
“Maybe I just want you to make sure you don’t forget it.” She snarks before going over to a small square table in the middle of the room.
“I have not forgotten it at all...every single incarnation of you that I’ve met in my… seven… no… eight… no… thirty? Yes. Every single incarnation of you that I’ve met in my thirty thousand millennia of existence has told me the exact same thing. It’s actually starting to seem like a Multiversal constant,” Umbra snarks back, also moving to the table.
She sighs with a slight frown, “Then I guess you don’t want to help me?” She asks in a way that sounds more like a statement.
Umbra, for some reason still being an appeasing dumbass despite his lifetime of experience, quickly responds, “I never said that–”
Eris’ expression almost snaps, the sound was actually something close to it, into a smile as she leans in really close, literally beaming with enough joy to rival Pinkie Pie. “Really!?” She quickly wraps him up in a tight hug, “Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” She squees.
“...What the hell have I gotten my black ass into this time?” Umbra complains.
(It’s not racist because Umbra’s actually a shadow! *insert laughter*)
“Okay… Since daddy’s too much of a meanie to teach me… can you show me how to do it?” Eris asks as she sits back down in her seat, bouncing a little like an energetic foal.
Umbra rolls his eye spots around the perimeter of his face, “Fine.” Though spat out, said phrase contained nothing but resigned cooperation and reined in amusement.
She smiles again, making a squeaking sound as she looks on eagerly.
“Right. This is different from my power, and your father’s power, given that I am basically a full on deity that literally hacks his way into victory, and your father is just a 3D representation of the Chaos Magic that permeates the Multiverse.”
Her smile widens just a hair, “I understand, I think I just need the basics and I can extrapolate from there using my own technique after a bit of practice.”
Umbra nods sagely, closing his eyes into crescent slivers of white light. “Very well. First: collect as much power as you think is necessary. Given that you have Chaos Magic, that is much less that you really think it is right now. Just a drop will do.”
She nods just a little, snapping her fingers and making a quill and notepad appear out of thin air to take notes.
“Second, imagine casting your power into a Void, and, given your specialty, hooking onto the most chaotic beings that your power level can retrieve.”
She holds a paw up like a student in a classroom as more of the surrounding room features have mysteriously changed to look like one.
“Nice attention to detail. Step three is simple: actually do it. Your imagination will help the process. Don’t pay attention to the casting, just focus on the results. Don’t stress your mind too much about ‘what-if’s and ‘maybe’s. Just do it. It’s that simple.” Closing the textbook in his hand that appeared with the classroom, Umbra shucks off his ‘teacher’ outfit and instantly reverts his living room to it’s original state. “There, lesson finished. Got everything?”
She lets her paw droop as she lets out a small whine. “Aww… there was so much potential in that scene… with me as the awkward, yet attentive student and you as the bold and strict teacher who has the secret attraction for me that you can’t let any of the other staff know about…”
Umbra smirks and ‘ports away, his voice coming from everywhere and nowhere as the room shifts again. “You mean...something like this?” The scene in question is an empty classroom with the words ‘DETENTION’ scrawled on the blackboard, Umbra striding in with his teacher outfit on. “Good afternoon, miss Eris. You’re in detention for blatantly trying to seduce a teacher.” Another smirk, this time almost… teasing?
She smiles with sparkles in her eyes, like an anime, as she leans forward on the desk and lets her tail flick back and forth a few times. “Yeah… just with a bit more… Oh… Authority in your step, like you control the room and are going to punish me for the disobedient student I am.” She replies as her smile fades to a saucy smirk.
“Well then–” Umbra strides over to the teacher’s desk, which bears a name-plate with his name on it, curiously, and pulls out a rather large, wooden paddle. “–how about some corporal punishment, then?” Another smirk, this time showing a hint of strict authority as well.
“Ooh!” She squeals happily as her tail gives another flick. “Yes… that’s perfect.” She replies.
“Then come over, miss Eris. You don’t want to waste more of my precious time, do you?” Umbra beckons her over with a single finger, sitting in a large, straight-backed chair. “Come now, miss Eris. Prolonging it will only make it worse on you.”
With a snap of her fingers she’s gone in a small, white flash and reappears wrapped around Umbra and the chair, nuzzling the side of his face. “Will you promise to always be there for me?” She whispers next to where his ear would be.
“Of course.” He whispers back, sending shivers down her spine, into and through her tail.
She smiles a bit more of a genuine smile, no smirk… no boisterous energy… just a simple smile before she snakes her way onto his desk, masking that smile with a sultry smirk again. “Then do as you wish…” She says quietly.
Umbra smirks again. “Then...–” And suddenly, everything is exactly the way it was before, with Umbra now holding the front door open for Eris. “– I think you forgot, Eris, that I am completely asexual...and that I love pranking you. Now, run along, I’m sure your parents will start to wonder just what we’re up to...it’s almost midnight.”
Her eyes widen a bit in surprise before she shoots him a glare. She stands up with a frustrated growl. “Do you know how long it’s going to take to get over this?!” She throws her hands into the air before stomping out, “You’re such an ASS!”
“You’ve said that about me about two hundred times in the last year...when you first started these advances...and yet, you always come back within a week...even after I’ve said those exact words...this also happened two weeks ago. I’ll see you later, Eris; I have work to do.”
She stomps a few meters, turns, shoots him a glare, and vanishes in a small flash.
Later that evening, or morning, whichever you prefer. ...
Eris had her chin on her paws as she stared out at the night sky, tears in her eyes as she just gazed at the moon.
“Why? Why do you keep doing this to me Umbra…?” She manages to say with a cracked voice as a few tears fall from her puffy eyes. “Can’t you just once… Just… once… be with me… for me…?” She stares at the moon for a few more seconds before turning away from her window to collapse on the bed, once more crying herself to sleep, once more… going to bed cold and alone. ...
Two weeks later
“I’m still mad at you.” Glare.
“I know you are. Do you still need to practice before you actually go with the process?”
We now take a break to examine the thoughts in Umbra’s mind:
I know she wants me to be with her...but...I...I don’t know if I should...Gah! What the hell should I do!? Shitty Romance Novels, you have failed me!
*Testing… Testing… Is this thing on?*
Eh? What’s that bolded text in my head?
*I’m your Reasoning speaking, am I coming through clearly?*
Where the piss have you been!? I thought I lost you way back when I first went through that portal to Equestria! Do you know how much shit my Id made me do!?
*... No… No I do not, but FEAR NOT! I am back! That portal was some trippy stuff, got lost in the Homestuck Cluster for a while until everything got put into Orderly-Chaos. Took me forever to find you again. I think I got lost again somewhere in the ‘Your Human And You’ Branch.*
My condolences.
*Yeah… anyway… mind catching me up on what’s in the now?*
Fine...infodump authorized...initiating...have a nice day...there, you’re caught up.
*Radical bro! Let’s see… so… you have a lusty draconequus going after you…?*
Yup
*Tubular… and you have a war that you have to mediate?*
More like a petty spat between two individuals that can actually hurt me, but yes.
*And all of them are Displaced that were put in the Equestria Cluster by your… co-worker? The Merchant?*
Uh-huh
*And now you don’t know whether to let this woman closer?*
Yup...are you just going to keep asking questions that you already know the answers to while interspersing said questions with shitty 80’s slang? Because seriously, that slang is really shitty. And 80’s
*You’re just jelly because I decide to embrace our heritage, and that depends… are you going to lose me in the Homestuck Cluster again?*
Heritage!? What heritage!? I barely count as a 90’s kid! Remember!? Oh yeah, and no, I’m not losing you again. You’re safely anchored in my head...unless I do the ‘Split Psyche’ trick… then you get your own body…
*But that’s not nearly as fun as talking to yourself… Anyways… What’s your issue with letting her get close? Besides, Homestuck wasn’t as fun without the main part of my emotions… when you’re just Reasoning, Homestuck is a big ol’ headache.*
Well...first, sounds to me like you developed a bit of a personality, good on you, Second… I dunno man… I know how she feels about me… it’s just… something keeps holding me back… wait… there. Problem solved. My ‘Fear of Relationships Due to Frank Inexperience’ Parameters were acting way up. Okay. I’m good. Let’s solve this problem...right now...yeah… Just activate the goddamn scene break already, author! GAH!
*Just remember… She’s used to you being a total ass to her… so such a sudden change may actually have an inverse effect to what we want, understand?*
I get ya, low and slow it is.
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming:
“Wipe that smug look off of your face, you jerk.” Another glare, this time less intense as Eris starts focusing a bit more on the small frisbee-sized mirror in front of her.
“You got this?” Umbra surprised Eris by actually delivering the phrase with some measure of concern, rather than a condescending deadpan, or a smug tease.
Eris took a deep breath and let it calm her nerves as she slowly let it out. “I think so…” She replies evenly as she lets her forefinger tap the surface of the mirror, making it ripple like a small puddle. Her expression almost snapped again to the boisterous smile before she reigned in her emotions so that she could get the mirror to focus on the Earth Cluster.
“Keep in mind that your powers make this sort of thing notoriously unpredictable in terms of who you get, so don’t be disappointed in the results. Just be glad that it’ll work.”
She gives him a smile before snapping her fingers and getting a few books materialized onto the table next to the mirror. “I gotcha.” She replies. “Although I did notice a few interesting things about this particular Equestria compared to the Earth Cluster.”
“Wha’ abou’ it?” This was delivered with an apple stuffed into Umbra’s...mouth. Even though he didn’t need his mouth to speak normally…
“Well…” She begins, opening the book that was labeled ‘Dungeons & Dragons Player’s Handbook™’
“Oh hell no. What the hell is that. Where the ever-living fuck did you get that!? NO NO no no NO! I will–”
“I was just noticing a few things between this Equestria and the lore of this game that are pretty similar… so… I was… kinda hoping… that… well… we could… use one of the Earths that was going to… well…” She begins rubbing her paw nervously.
“... Why am I such a goddamn sucker for the women in my life? What am I, a typical Teenage Shonen Hero? Gods, it’s pathetic.”
“I wouldn’t go that far… but I was hoping we could use one of the Earths that was facing like… an Apocalypse of some kind and just… give two humans a second chance at life here?” Eris replies with half a wince.
“... Yeah sure why not. Reel ‘em in. I’ll stabilize so you don’t go too off target, though you might still miss a little.”
She takes a small breath and gets a confused look on her face as if thinking something over. “Umbra… What would they look like without their bodies? would they just be kinda like two wispy spirit thingies?”
“More like a ball of light in some sort of random color befitting their personality, but with smoky wisps coming off. Why?”
“No real reason other than I was curious…” She replies before sticking her hand into the mirror to grab two souls that are close to one another.
“Looks like you’re pretty much on target… be wary of any unexpected developments, though. Chaos magic, however little I can use, is really finicky, and tends to backfire if used without anything weird as the intention. This should be sufficiently odd to mitigate most of the mutations, though.”
“Well… since they’re from a universe with no magic… why not make them, essentially, magical creations…? Make one a wizard and then make the other some sort of magical healer?” She suggests, “That way there’s a bit of Chaos and a plan…”
“I’ll handle the magic part...though with that Chaos pulling them here, I wouldn’t be surprised if something went wrong.”
She gently pulls her hand out of the mirror, with two little pinkish spheres, “I’m sure nothing too bad happened… Care to help me make physical forms for them?” She asks with an eager smile. “I’ll even handle their starting equipment…” She offers.
“Toss ‘em over, let me start… you got one of each gender, right?”
“Well… That’s what I was aiming for… they were pretty close together so I could only assume that they belonged to the same her- I mean, were a couple… But they’re both pink, so I don’t really know…”
“Pink is an indicator of Pacifism, not gender… I’m sensing two distinct genders, but the chaos is interfering with my ability to tell which is which… can you tell?”
Eris sighs, “I’m still surprised you can tell the gender difference…”
Umbra sighs as well. “Well...hope they don’t mind too much if I fuck up their genders… here we go, two basic humanoid templates. Extra features, Eris?”
“Yeah…” She starts, putting a paw on her chin. “I want them to be compatible with the rules on divine sparks… and… lets see…” She poofs up a copy of the Races Of The Dragon™ handbook and starts perusing the pages.
“How about we make Dragon-Themed Heroes?” Umbra asks as he glances at Eris’ book.
As she reads she turns so that she can drape her hooves over the edge of the couch and lay her head against his arm. “Any color patterns in particular? I was thinking maybe green primary scales for the male with purple secondary scales, and then purple for the female’s main scales with pink secondaries.”
“Go ahead, they’re your Displaced after all. I’m only here in case something goes really wrong.”
“Well… Since you’re technically helping me I’d say that they are our displaced…” She says as she starts getting a bit more comfortable on his arm.
Umbra decides to let her stay on his arm...it was quite a nice feeling, after all. “I suppose so, but you’re doing most of the work here. I’m just supervising and giving encouragements, sarcastic as they may be.”
She nods, letting her tail flick back and forth as she continues reading. After a few minutes the book finally closes with a snap and all the books poof back to where they originally were. “Alright! Twentieth level wizard and cleric… with fifth level character gear. Technically the cleric will have an advantage since he’ll only need his holy symbol to cast his spells… while the wizard will need herself a spellbook.”
“So...who exactly is the Cleric’s deity, anyway? And what symbol will they use?”
“Do you mind getting in contact with Tamara? I can fashion a nice wooden seven pointed star, just let her know she’s going to have a new cleric.” Eris replies as she starts to sit up.
Umbra’s eyespots transform themselves into a two-point, inward spiral. “... Give me a moment… Right, she knows. We’re technically also the Cleric’s deities now too… somehow.”
“Yeah… but deities use that whole rank system and stay within their own specific Universe/Multi-Plane Worlds… And they get stronger with more followers, we don’t.” She points out as she starts to stretch. “You know… I really liked this…” She says with a smile.
“Hmm? Liked what?”
“Oh! One last favor… could you help put them in their bodies and make sure they appear close to each other? They’re strong enough to not really have to worry about dying easily… but… I’d rather keep them together…” Eris requests.
Umbra sighs a little. “You and your romantic tendencies… But yeah, sure. Your lucky I’m also a bit of a romantic too.”
“Oh I can just see it now… both of us sharing a beautiful castle, being taken care of because we created the strongest heroes in Equestria…” She sighs as she drapes herself over his lap.
“Why a castle? Do you want to be a Princess too?”
She smiles up at him. “I wouldn’t mind being your Princess…” She chuckles, holding out the two souls for him to put the finishing touches to.
“Right… Well, looks like everything is working well enough… let’s pop these in, shall we?”
And with a strange, vibrating POP, The two souls are absorbed into their new bodies, settling into place almost immediately.
“‘Kay, they appear to be stable… they should wake up soon, too… now we just wait.”
Eris lets out a happy sigh, “I hope our children don’t have anything too bad happen to them on the first night…”
“...Wait, CHILDREN!?”
As soon as Umbra finishes his sentence, the Wizard, a female Dragonborn wakes up, immediately jetting into wakefulness and noticing her new body.
“Holy shit! What’s going on here!? Are these scales!?” She pauses as she recognizes her own voice. She begins slowly patting her own body, gently as the gravity of what happened begins to set in. Her movements stop and the clearing is as silent as a graveyard for exactly 3.14… seconds. “...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
And with that scream, a chain of events is set into motion that could not be stopped, even by the will of the gods.
Once again, Eris finds herself in Umbra’s living room after deciding to let herself in. For once she’s actually reading a book, while sitting upside down on her favorite couch.
“Why, Eris, I’m surprised. You’re actually doing something productive while waiting for me.”
Her left ear flicks a little. “Yeah… I decided to get a few ideas… you’d be surprised how hilarious some of these books can be.” She poofs herself back into a regular sitting position. “This book I’m reading is called ‘The Hangover’... I never thought that three friends could have so much fun without remembering a bit of it.”
Umbra starts a bit. “‘The Hangover’, huh? That’s a movie in my home world, my real home world, that is… I guess more than a few things carried over…”
“Maybe…” She starts, pausing for a few seconds before snapping her fingers, “Applejack’s hosting a cider tasting later this week! Let’s go to it together!” She exclaims happily.
“...” Umbra is at a loss for what to say for a moment, but quickly recovers. “Don’t you remember what happened the last time you touched even the slightest bit of alcohol? I don’t think so, you and any form of alcohol is a bad idea…”
She waves her paw dismissively, “...Luna got over that video… everyone already thought that it was fake because nobody could get that deep into the Lunar Tower without getting surrounded by Thestrals.”
“...wha? I was referring to how you went on a rampage and blitzed your way across the country and ruined so many bars so badly that I had to fix them. Oh, and you tried to cuddle with at least six hundred different ponies, some of them mares… including Luna… and Cadence… and somehow Chrysalis…” Those poor bar owners still hadn’t made back their profit yet.
“Well… Maybe… But Cadence loves to cuddle…” Eris replies. “And I did not break those bars, that was that weird robot-guy that you brought with you.” She turns away a little and pouts.
“Nevertheless, I am refusing to let you go anywhere near Applejack’s place that day. I’m putting my foot down on this one. No. Way. In. He–”
Later that Week
“How the hell did you manage to talk me into this? No, why did I let you talk me into this in the first place?” A very exasperated Umbra is currently walking beside his best friend, desperately trying to keep her from any alcoholic drinks and purging her system of foreign contaminants whenever she managed to actually slip away. And desperately trying to hack her alcohol tolerance into a higher level at the same time.
Eris rubs her cheek against his arm, “It’s because you find me adorable… And that Daddy invited you to go with us.” She chuckles.
“Curse my unfailing need to accept invitations from people I associate with.” Umbra dips his head, feigning mock-depression to hide the small smile that slashed its way across his face.
“It’s just too bad Rarity and cousin Blueblood are still not on speaking terms… despite how much he’s tried apologizing… He loves cider…” Eris sighs with a slight frown.
Despite said ‘sad’ event, the atmosphere around the pair is warm, ponies gathered in groups with ciders of various alcohol content grasped in magical auras and forehooves. A light murmur of conversation fills the background, somehow adding to the atmosphere.
Eris managed to slip away again, appearing at one of the drinking games and challenging Snowflake to a drinking contest. Panicked, Umbra flashes over, startling a few of the other booth-goers. Grabbing Eris, Umbra offers a quick apology to Snowflake as he drags Eris away. “Jeez Eris, I know you wanna have fun and all, but I don’t want you to go through the same thing as two years ago...remember that hangover you had the day after?” Umbra smiles apologetically, almost tenderly, down at Eris.
Eris starts to pout again, “Aww… just one game? P-p-please?” She asks, giving him filly-eyes as she pleads for the chance to get plastered.
“Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…...FINE. One game. ONE. And I’m purging your system straight after… I just don’t want you to get hurt, okay?” Umbra has decided to play the lovestruck fool today, apparently.
She squees and hugs him before going back over to challenge Snowflake, the pony with the second-best constitution in Ponyville, the first being Berry Punch, and who was currently tied with Big Mac.
“C’mon Snowflake! I bet I can drink your sorry butt under the table!” At that very moment, every single pony in earshot moves into a crowd formation so fast, that even Umbra has trouble keeping up. The two contestants are seated in the middle of the path, a table between them, both with a pyramid of Applejack Daniels Hard Cider-Whiskey barrels stacked to their sides. Umbra knew that as soon as the first drop hit Eris’ tongue, they were all doomed. Thus, he changes Eris ingrained protocols, just a little, barely enough for good luck to scrape out a win, really
Eris smirks and Snowflake cracks his neck a little as the first two mugs are poured.
Berry Punch saunters past with a sign saying ‘ROUND 1: FIGHT!’ over her head… many a stallion’s gaze soon left the match to find purchase on her… cutie mark… yes.
Snowflake is the first to bring his mug up and down it all in a gulp and a half. He slams the empty mug down and exclaims with a mighty roar, “YYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
“Ouch… my non existent ears”, Umbra mutters in the background, partially hidden by the wall of visible caps-locked text blasting from Snowflake’s roaring mug.
Eris simply smirks as she wraps her tail around the handle of the mug and downs the drink in a few gulps, slamming the cup down and licking her lips with a smile. “One for one…” She says. Umbra gulps, and hopes that his slight mods to Eris’ code will hold out against her Chaos magic long enough for her to win… or at least pass out.
---
Five rounds later both the contestants are swaying quite a bit in their chairs as they drain their mugs at the same time. Five mugs Applejack Daniels will do that to anyone. Not shots, not glasses. MUGS.
Eris licks her lips sloppily, “You know… you… you got… like… small wings… like Scootachicken…” Eris starts, at least until Scootaloo’s angry “HEY!” reaches her ears. “...So… How can you fly… and like… she can’t?” Eris finishes asking.
We regret to inform you that Umbra can’t give a good explanation currently due to the fact that he’s trying desperately to not think about how attractive Eris currently looks to him… and failing hard.
‘GAH! Bad Brain! Stop thinking about Eris’ cute blush and her adorable drunk attitude and her really pretty mane and… FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!’
We will never hear another scream so packed full of rage ever again, mentally or out loud. Meanwhile, Eris and Snowflake have finished off their tenth rounds, both now leaning heavily against the table and trying to keep their balance… and also sorta failing.
“Y- *Burp* -Yeahhhhh….” Snowflake cheers with slightly less vigor than usual.
“...D-das… Das not answ- ans… and… uh…. No… That… Das not da word…” Eris slurs as her eyes seem to shift a bit in size. She nearly falls out of her chair as she slowly reaches for the final mug… a slow, epic grab that would either seal her victory, or seal her defeat!
With a look of sheer determination, Snowflake reaches his mug at the same time, shakily bringing it to his lips and wearing more than half the mug before he collapses onto the table.
Eris slowly brings the edge of the mug to her lips… hesitant to tip it as she takes another whiff of the alcoholic apple beverage. Umbra notes this, and reluctantly lowers her blood alcohol content. Honorable as he may be, he is no Auric or Ben 10, and thus feels no guilt at all in cheating to help his (probably in the future) girlfriend win a drinking contest. Umbra himself is banned because he can’t get… anything really. Unless he wants to.
Eris finally tips the drink and lets the bitter liquid wash itself down. She lets the mug drop from her paw onto the ground with a soft *Thud* before collapsing out of her chair.
The crowd roars at Eris’ victory, the sheer sound enough to wake the Undead Baron of the Frozen Wastelands.
Eris shakily straightens herself and sits up against the chair. “U-Umbra…?” She mumbles. Umbra, despite the crowd cheering loud enough to wake the Undead, manages to hear her and instantly teleports over.
“...Yes, Eris?”
She throws her arms around his neck and hugs him. “I luvz you…” She slurs with a drunken smile.
“I… have a deep, personal regard for you as well, Eris…” Umbra decides to (Probably mis)quote Mr.Peabody and Sherman… just to get out of copying Han Solo… and avoid an actual confession as well.
“Nah… I… I mean… Like… I really… Love… You… You’re so… Funneh… an… Smart… You make me… So happeh.” Eris mumbles as she nuzzles where his chin should be.
Umbra merely smiles, his entire body for once going from pure shadow into a fully rendered grayscale human as he smiles tenderly down at her. “Your drunk Eris… why don’t you just take a nap for now, eh? And… I… love you too.”
‘Oh god, I just said it! Oh… she’s asleep already’
And indeed she was, having conked out as soon as he’d said the word ‘nap’. Umbra merely smiles, his body fading into shadow again as he kisses her forehead. “Gods, you’re too damn cute for your own good sometimes, you know that?”
Eris continues nuzzling him in her sleep, making little purring noises.
“Well… I think she likes you…” Discord chuckles as he comes into view.
Umbra barely reacts, only lifting Eris into a modified Bridal Carry. “Yeah… I think she does…”
Discord chuckles again and pats Umbra’s head, “Just make sure you don’t keep her up too late and make sure you’ve got everything covered… or…” His smile fades as the world around them stops moving, his usual smile replaced with a deep snarl, “You will REGRET hurting her…” He growls inches from Umbra’s face.
Time seems to start moving normally again as his expression is happy again, “...Kay?”
Umbra, though not intimidated, replies with an affirmative nod. “If I ever do hurt her… well… you’ll never find enough of me to fill a thimble…” He turns to leave, “And by the way… thanks for the invite.”
WHOOSH
And the two are now back at Umbra’s house, the sudden transit hyper-metabolizing the alcohol in Eris’ system, causing her to awaken with the second (and second worst) hangover she’d ever experienced. Still delirious, Eris squints in pain and snuggles deeper into the soothing darkness of Umbra’s torso area.
“Eris...We’re back at my house… do you want something for your hangover?” Let it never be said that Umbra is incapable of being the ‘caring boyfriend’ kinda guy.
Eris slowly shakes her head and nuzzles into him with a grimace, “Shh…” She mumbles, “Less talkie… more… sleepy…”
“Oh, you are just a treat. Silly draconequus...here we go, one queen sized bed, ultrasoft, with a nice canopy to shut out the light.” Gently placing Eris down, Umbra places a glass of water and some aspirin next to her bed-stand (for indeed it was hers; Umbra took the Master Bedroom and turned it into a lab, he doesn’t own a bed… Eris actually has her own room in Umbra’s house, though she doesn’t stay the night often).
She feebly nuzzles him again before letting out an adorable yawn and curling up around one of the pillows. “Nyah~...ZZzzzZZzZZzZzzZzzZZzZZzz….”
‘MAN, she’s so cute… I guess that’s part of why I fell in love with her after all...’
Eris sat on the balcony of the Lunar tower, a few floors down from Luna’s bedroom as she waited for Umbra to appear. She lets out a sigh as she looks off into the distance and just watches the lake reflect the moonlight.
Coming up behind the somewhat forlorn looking draconequus, Umbra slides up behind and hugs her.
“My my, Eris, you look thoughtful. Is there anything you want to tell me?”
Eris sighs again, “It’s just… there’s too much order here… I may not be a full-breed chaos spirit, but even I am way too bored here…”
Umbra smiles gently, and suggests something odd. “Then… why don’t we go on an adventure? Yeah! Just you and me, going on quests and stuff, like those two dragonborn we Displaced! Of course, we’ll need restriction seals so we have more fun… but that’s not really a problem, is it?”
She gives him a curious look, “... how do we do that?”
Umbra smirks gently, “Here’s what we do: In a few days’ time, in order to say our goodbyes and such, I warp us to a generic fantasy Universe and then I get one of my colleagues to Restrict our abilities to a conditional minimum, only to be removed gradually as we, for lack of a better term, ‘Level Up’... Sound good, luv?”
She puts a paw on her chin, “Hmm…” She smiles. “Sure! When do we start?”
“Wednesday, in three days. Pack what you think you’ll need, once we get there, we’ll be, in effect, stupidly powerful mortals… I’ve actually forgotten what hunger, thirst, and exhaustion feel like… this’ll be really interesting for me…”
“Hmm… I think I’ll be a wizard, learn dragon magic because dragons are pretty cool.” Eris says as she hugs him.
“Sure, go ahead… though you will still have some sort of your power left… probably just a natural inclination to all magic… I’m just going to revert to how I was when I was twenty one, a shadow manipulator…”
“I’ll go work on a staff now, I’ve been wanting to see if I could make one for a while now anyway.” She says before she snaps her fingers to poof away.
Umbra watches the cloud disperse, a smile forming on his non-existent lips, “...Goodnight, love..”
WHOOSH
Wednesday, day of departure
Eris bounces a little on her hooves as she waits for Umbra outside of Fluttershy’s cottage, staff in hand as she adjusts her bag.
Umbra slides out of the ground beside her, another shadowy figure following after.
“Good morning Eris, allow me to introduce you to Landong Star-Eater, he’s our Branch’s Quantum Entanglement Officer, or Q, if you will. He’s also in charge of placing restriction seals on any Admin that wants one… I just need mine touched up, right, Lan’?”
“That is correct, sir. All you need is for me to add the conditional release to your Seal, and for me to up the power.” Landong sounded very polite… almost as if he was a butler or something.
Eris leans over to Umbra and whispers, “I think he’s British…”
Umbra chuckles, “British in actions and accent, Filipino by race. Speaks Cebuano. Hey Lan, you ready?”
“Yes sir. All things are set on my end.” Landong holds up a shadowy doctor’s bag.
“Then… follow my lead!”
VWORPLE X 2
Eris shuts her eyes tightly, expecting to be a little uncomfortable as she hears the rippling sound.
“Eris… what are you doing? We’re here, you missed the light show…”
Fun fact: The transit between Universes is a quick, swirling, kaleidoscopic light show that rarely lasts for more than a second or two.
Eris blinks a little, “Oh… I… uh… I thought it was going to be like teleporting where you feel like you’re getting squeezed out a tube and find out exactly what toothpaste feels like.” She replies with a blush as she rubs the back of her head.
“Well… I suppose I should have… wait… but… how did you forget? I took you to Earth a year ago, remember? Don’t you remember the sensation?” Umbra seems to be a bit incredulous that Eris could forget.
“...No… you didn’t, you brought those movies from Earth for me to see, but you never took me to Earth. You said something along the lines of ‘it’s too polluted’ or something like that.”
“...Oh...Remind me to take you one day, polluted though it may be, some parts are really worth it. Right! So, due to the nature of this Universe, we need to adopt more humanoid forms… don’t know why really, but I guess blending in is more important than I thought it was...’
“It quite is, sir… would you like those Seals now?”
Umbra blinks. “Huh? Oh, yeah! Hold on a minute, we should at least change first to keep the magic more stable.” Saying that, Umbra’s form ripples and begins to reflect light in a way that it hadn’t for millennia. After a few seconds of rippling, Umbra’s form stabilizes, now appearing as a thin figure with pointed ears, pale skin, and long black hair framing his face. Wearing a slightly tattered black cloak with light, black armor under, he appears as a vampire… with pitch black eyes. Umbra puts his hood on and pulls up his scarf attachment, shadowing his face as his eyes begin to glow like they normally do.
“Alright… well… I haven’t been corporeal in… a long time. Interesting. Well Eris, your turn.”
Eris thinks for a second before snapping her fingers. Her body becomes shrouded in a soft white glow as her horns recede and her body takes proportions more like the humans she had seen in the movies. Her hips become a bit more pronounced and as the glow fades she’s wearing a simple blue robe that hangs just a little on her to make it easy to move around in. Her face took the shape of a human woman with violet eyes and she still had her normal horns, just quite a bit smaller. Her silvery hair fell in a long sweeping flow across her shoulders and framed her slightly rounded cheeks quite well.
Umbra stares a bit, suddenly feeling urges he had (almost) never felt before… even when he had gone through puberty. “I...uh...wow...daaaammnn… You’re even cuter than you are normally…”
‘So cute… so pretty’
*Dude… You got it good this time.* Reasoning says in Umbra’s head with a feeling like a nod. *And half of your work is already half done, she wants you so badly.*
‘Can’t argue with that logic. I’ll take it slow, though I might speed it up a little...’
*Also can’t argue that logic, go get her tiger.*
‘Here we go...’
“Alright, then, Lan’, if you’re done with the Seals?”
“Right away, sir. Here you are… simply place them somewhere on your bodies to activate them. You’ll end up restricted to about 20% power, Lady Eris, and sir, you will revert to your beginning state with only the barest amount of Admin abilities, mainly to remove the seals. Is this acceptable?”
“Yeah, great work, Lan’... just… in the event that I get called away on an emergency, I want the Seals to release as soon as I’m called.”
“Of course, sir.”
Moments later
“Here you are, sir, milady. If there’s anything else?”
“That’s all, Lan’. Thanks for this, by the way.”
“Of course, sir.”
With that, Landong Star- Eater disappears and the two are left alone on a forest trail, in a clearing.
Eris hugs Umbra’s arm again and nuzzles her cheek against him. “This feels even better… now you’re warm.”
Umbra chuckles and pulls her in tighter. “Yes, I suppose hugging a cold mass of shadow can only feel good on a summer day… or if you have a headache…” The two start strolling down the path, hoping to find their way to the nearest town, Fiore, if the infodump was correct.
The entire journey Eris doesn’t leave his arm, making her usual purring sounds as she walks alongside him. “What kinds of things are we going to be doing in this world? Slaying a lich? Stopping a sorcerer from making an entire kingdom disappear? Or are we going to be helping solve a bunch of Survival-Horror quests that would put even the most insane mind to shame?” She asks eagerly.
“All of the above, of course! We’re still immortal, we have more power than many of the other heros in this Universe, and most of all, we’re here to have fun!” Umbra sweeps his arms out in a grand gesture, illustrating his point.
“Awesome! I can’t wait!” She squees.
The sun begins to set, casting a beautiful amber glow across the landscape. Eris gives a yawn, “Uh… Umbra… Can we get some *yawn* rest?”
Umbra looks up, noting for the first time that he’s actually also tired. “Huh...wow...I *yawn* haven’t been tired in so long… just a little longer, I still have a subspace pocket and I have a lot of money from this Universe… the town of Fiore is just ahead… just a couple more minutes, then we can find a place to stay the night…” He loses his posture some for the first time. “Man, I’m tired…”
“You know… I do have a spell called ‘Leomund’s Magic Hut’... We could use that to rest up for the night.” Eris offers.
Umbra stares at her, somehow more piercing with an actual face. “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”
“I… I was tired…” She replies with a shrug.
“...Well, as long as there’s a reason… Cast away, wizard girl.” Umbra leans against a tree and idly carves random runes into it with a shadow blade protruding from his finger.
‘This forest really is quite nice… though, I wish we didn’t ‘port in so close to sunset...’
Eris nods a little and points a seemingly-fragile hand towards a nearby clearing in the trees and lets her spell go. With the sound of a *pop* like a bubble a cottage appears in the clearing, making Eris’ jaw drop in surprise. “Ooh… I like that one…”
“It does have a rustic charm to it, yes… great, let’s head in and turn in for the night.”
He didn’t have to tell Eris twice as she began pulling him into the roomy cottage.
“Whoa, hey! Slow down! I’m actually a little fragile like this!... oh wow… this is a really nice cottage…” The cottage itself is fairly sparsely furnished, only a small kitchen, a king sized bed, and a bathroom inside, with a living room connecting the other rooms to the door. The detailing in the walls, however, is what drew Umbra’s eyes. Intricate knotwork and runic carvings over many surfaces combined to create an immensely beautiful display. It was enough to make any art collector cry.
Eris smiles and pulls him over to the couch, “See… We could even live in a place like this and I’d be happy.”
“Maybe I’ll make a house like this back home… but for now, let’s just go to bed, I’m tired, you’re tired, and really, we have time to sleep.” That said, Umbra drops his pack by the bed and flops in, fast asleep nigh immediately, having not slept for about… a really, really large percent of his life.
Eris practically leaps into the bed next to him, giving him a hug and nuzzling into his back with a smile.
Smiling in his sleep, Umbra shifts towards her and, after a few minutes, Umbra winds up on his back, holding Eris, who snuggles into his chest.
The next day Waking up was an interesting experience for Umbra, moreso in a corporeal form. The first thing he noticed was the warm light softly diffused into the room, adding an atmosphere of peaceful lethargy. The second was Eris, slightly rumpled from sleep, snuggled into his chest.
‘I… I could really get used to this...’
Bracing himself for a difficult choice, Umbra steeled himself for an action that he really did not want to do: waking up the adorable girl lying on top of him. Nevertheless, he pressed on, lightly shaking her awake and stroking her hair.
“...Hey, Eris… it’s morning… get up sleepyhead…”
She groans a little and buries her face deeper into his chest and tightens her grip on his shirt as she tries to stay asleep, “Tell Celestia she needs to not get up early then…” She complains. “Luna’s night is better… means more sleepytime…”
Umbra chuckles, “C’mon, if you don’t wake up, we might not be able to do any questing today.”
Eris lifts her head with a frown, her hair was a bit disheveled and she had a frown instead of her usual smile. “Morning should fall somewhere around noon… and then end the day at nine…”
“...Well, then you’d be complaining at noon…” Logic: It ruins your arguments.
“No, because then I would have more sleep… And sleep makes me beautiful.” She says as she sits up and stretches, getting a few pops as she arches her back.
“Guess I can’t argue with that…” Logic: Still ruining arguments. Even if it is flawed.
She smirks at him and gets out of bed to grab a set of clothes to begin changing. Umbra can’t help but to stare, but quickly regains his self control and looks away. He then also gets out of bed, really only using his shadow powers to fix his clothing, having not undressed the night before.
Once she’s done changing she lets out a happy sigh, “Alright, lets have some breakfast and go.”
Umbra nods, and opens his subspace pocket (the pack is really just extra clothes… and toiletries), rifling around for a moment before ejecting a whole breakfast spread, tables and tableware included, out into the cottage, which has mysteriously expanded to accomodate. Items include, but are not limited to: Waffles of every kind, Pancakes, bacon, eggs, orange juice, milk, tea, coffee, rolls, rice, dumplings, miso soup, meat buns, bean paste buns, strawberries, oranges, apples, bananas, blueberries, smoothies of multiple flavors, cake of different types, PBJs, BLTs, and various other sandwiches. All in all, a massive breakfast feast fit for a king.
Eris looks at the spread in surprise, “Umbra… We only needed breakfast… not a meal to last us through an apocalypse…” She chuckles.
Umbra rubs the back of his head sheepishly, “Heh heh, just wanted us to have some variety, after all… well, go on, dig in!” He sits down and starts grabbing bits of as much as he can eat, enjoying the feeling of actually having a real stomach again. And a real mouth. And a real… everything really.
Eris sits down next to him and nuzzles his cheek, “U-Umbra…?” She asks shyly.
Umbra looks up from his–balanced and well made– breakfast, looking over to Eris. “Yes, luv? What’s up?” Let us also note that Umbra has immaculate table manners, because that sounds like a thing worth mentioning.
She bites her lower lip and looks down shyly when he responds. “Well… I… Uh… I…” She stutters, not quite finding the words to fit her feelings.
“Hmm? You don’t have to go on if you don’t want to… but still, why haven’t you eaten anything?” Umbra’s concern shines through much more clearly when he has an actual face.
She gets a little bit more nervous, poking her two index fingers together as she tries to find the words to say. Finally she swallows her fear and leans over to him to whisper, “...C-can… I have a kiss?”
Umbra starts massively, eyes widening as he almost spit-takes. Though, copying Anton Ego from Ratatouille, he decides to swallow instead. “I… what brought this on? Mind you, I suppose you can, but still, why?”
Eris takes a deep breath, “It’s because… Well… When I’m with you I’m just, so happy… It’s as if I couldn’t possibly have a bad day whenever you’re around… This journey even has so much chaos that I wouldn’t want to share with anyone but you…”
Umbra leans back and pulls Eris into a hug. “Same here, love. Now, you said something about a kiss?”
Her pale cheeks take on a pinkish tint as she slowly leans forward, closing her eyes as her hand caresses his cheek. Both lean in slowly, almost hesitantly, their lips meeting in the middle. And as soon as contact is made, an instantaneous change takes place; now they are frenzied, kissing like no tomorrow, feeling a release of feelings that had festered and grown for the past three years.
When finally they break their kiss Eris is panting hard and looking at Umbra with a smile of pure bliss.
“All these years… you felt the same way as I did, didn’t you?”
Umbra’s response is simply to embrace her closer, “Of course I did… I just didn’t act like it, now I regret not doing this sooner… Now come on, love, we’ve got a busy day today, eat up so we can get to questing.”
Eris nods and sits up a bit straighter in her chair as she eats her breakfast, almost constantly missing her mouth as she keeps stealing glances at her man, the one man that truly made her happy.
“I notice that you seem to be having some trouble there… would you like me to feed you?”
Eris nods with a deep blush as she can’t help but keep her eyes on him. Reaching over, Umbra takes her fork and feeds her slowly, stopping to steal a kiss after every few bites. It takes time, but the two eventually finish, Umbra stowing away the remnants in his pocket as they prepare for the rest of the day.
With renewed vigor they both make their way off to their first town in this new world, and their first steps in a beautiful relationship.
If anyone had asked just how shitty Umbra’s day was at that moment, he’d be torn between ‘Really Fucking Shitty’ and ‘One of the Best Days Ever’. Why? Well…
Let’s just say that an unending horde of draugr, liches, zombies, revenants, Tanks, Boomers, and various other undead had been chasing him and Eris for the past seventeen miles… and they showed no sign of stopping anytime soon. Plus, neither of them had any of their abilities to use, Eris had drained her mana reserves dry killing the first seven million, umbra drained his reserves after the next eight million. The horde currently had approximately ten million undead left.
“Shit shit shit! Why the hell did this even happen to us!?” Eris screamed, sprinting away from the faster undead, dodging the ones thrown by the Tanks and Gargantuars frantically as she tried to spot any means of escape in the barren wasteland of Hell’s Desert. “I told you that you shouldn’t have touched the damn Necronomicon! It was down there for a reason! And you know that I hate the undead!”
“Shut up and run! We might not be able to die fully, but I doubt you want to be eaten alive!”
Six hours earlier…
Eris and Umbra had finished their breakfast, eager for the start of a new adventure and relationship. Making their way over to the town of Fiore, Eris spotted a strange phenomenon: a shadily dressed man was approaching them with a glowing star rotating above his head.
“Greetings travelers!” the man exclaimed, “I welcome you to the town of Fiore! Now, word on the grapevine is that you are some very skilled adventurers, we really need some at the moment; so if I could have a moment of your time to detail our situation?”
“But… We just got here…” Eris says with a tilt of her head in confusion. “This is actually the first town we came to, how would you know if we were skilled or not?”
Umbra leaned in to explain, “Remember that time I showed you World of Warcraft? It doesn’t matter if we just got here, the world operates on RPG mechanics, just talk to people with stars and other stuff above their heads for quests.” He shakes his head. “But, that’s not important right now, lead the way, sir.”
The pair follow the creepy guy into a large and spacious room, furnished with all the trappings one would expect of a fairly wealthy person. He pulls off his hood, revealing a wholly unremarkable face. “My name is Sven Ericsson. My father is an archeologist down in Hell’s Desert. I, being a humble Merchant’s Apprentice, was unfit to follow him. If I had, perhaps he would not have disappeared three days ago. I’m willing to pay a large sum of money if it means getting my father back… please, will you help?”
New Quest Unlocked: Retrieval from Hell! Quest: Find and retrieve Sven Ericsson’s father, Eric Leifson, from wherever he is trapped in Hell’s Desert.
Sven continues, “Oh thank you, thank you! Here, take this map. It will aid you on your quest. My father’s dig-site is located on here, go there first to look for clues! And good luck!” He leaves the room, presumably to go back to the Merchant’s guild.
Eris nods her head with a smile and turns to Umbra, “Well… We had better get ready to go to Hell then… We have quite a bit of packing to do…” She ends with a sigh.
“Not really, remember? I have a nifty little trick called a bottomless subspace pocket, Eris… everything is packed already…”
“So… We’re just going to Hell… It’s not like we’re going on some sort of all-important quest that has lives hanging in the balance or something… Maybe that guy we’re rescuing needs something to help him and I would like to make sure we have plenty of water in an easy-to-reach spot.” Eris replies with her adorable pout.
“Bottomless. Pocket. Full of everything. Including my own personalized Universe. I think I have all the water we may need. I even have goddamn Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in here. The thing that’s bigger than a galaxy.” Umbra is inordinately proud of his collection.
“...Tengen-whatnow?” Eris asks with an even more confused look than the one she gave the quest-guy.
“...you had to be there…” He looks to the side and blushes, mumbling into his scarf-thing.
“...A-anyways, let’s go… we should probably get there as fast as we can… though… I do wonder why Hell’s Desert is shown as only a few miles away…” Umbra begins walking down the trail, his cloak billowing behind him.
Eris pulls her hood up as she walks alongside him, curious as well as to why said desert was showing as part of the material plane. “So… How many other planes of reality did you visit?” She asks, trying to start up a conversation while they walk.
“Gods, must have been billions… I recall one time I had to fix an entire Branch of the Multiverse… the Branch was shaped like a really big tree, as I recall… it took a hell of a long time…” Umbra tries not to brag, he really does, but listing any of his accomplishments normally tends to make him look like an exaggerating douche, even if he’s not. “Besides, it’s just a name… I think… I don’t really think it’s part of Hell, it’s probably just the heat and stuff…”
“Nice… Any ones that were your particular favorite? I know I got to see that ‘Your Human And You’ branch of the Equestrian Multiverse… It was an interesting idea, if you didn’t mind the fact that ponies were actually quite cruel to humans even if they weren’t trying to be.” Eris says as she hugs herself and shivers a little.
Eris looks over to Umbra as she waits for his answer.
Umbra, however, has gone rigid, eyes and body twitching every few seconds. “Ugh… I… don’t really like that Universe… something about it just felt wrong when I was there, even if the coding was completely fine…” He twitches for a few more seconds before shaking it off and continuing as if nothing had ever happened.
Three hours later…
Umbra and Eris had located the dig-site without much difficulty, the ancient ruins providing quite a bit of wonder for the both of them. Inside, the two found a tunnel, the same one Eric Leifson had disappeared down three days ago, in fact. Inside was a twisting maze of sandstone and hieroglyphs, the walls containing softly glowing crystals for a light source.
“Hey Eris?”
“Yes Umbra?”
“I think we got lost…”
“What makes you say that?”
“The map isn’t working, the walls have been shifting to cover our trail, I can’t sense the entrance, and I don’t remember how many turns we took… hey… what’s that glow?”
And indeed, there was a soft purple glow coming from a doorway just up ahead. Inside, they found an unconscious man lying on the ground, and a book bound in human skin on a pedestal.
“Hey, a necronomicon! Been a while since I could restock on one a’ these!... oh, and I think that’s Sven’s dad. Welp, into my pocket he goes. Now… let’s see about this book…” Umbra goes to retrieve the Book of Unending Horrors, when Eris tries to warn him away.
“No! Don’t take tha-... Uh oh…” Eris shouts with a wince once he takes the book and the building around them starts to rumble.
“...I get the feeling I may have made a terrible mistake… uhp, yeah… Welp, time to go!” Throwing the book away, the pair flees the scene, a horrible black portal tearing itself open and releasing a sea of undead directly after.
“Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!!!!! Shadow burst! Shadow Pierce! Dark sweep!... uh… Getsuga Tenshou!” The myriad of shadow themed attacks takes out the first few rows, buying the two precious time to run, unfortunately only heading deeper into the desert, straight north… into the very southern reaches of Lich/draugr territory… and another portal to Hell.
Back in the present…
Eris turns just enough to angle her staff and launch a fireball into the oncoming horde, decimating at least twenty of them in a single explosion of Fiery Death.
“Fuck! Why the hell are there Running Zombies!? Shadow Steal, Army Kill Mode!” Stealing at least a hundred shadows, Umbra turns away from the dissolving undead as the shadows replenish his flagging mana. “Quick! Into that cave up there! We have just enough of a lead to make it!” Pointing at a nearby plateau, Umbra grabs Eris off of her feet, activating his cloak’s wing feature, and flying them into a cave approximately halfway up the side; once inside, he blocks the entrance with a boulder and brings out some automatic lighting crystals, as well as Sven’s Father. “Okay, we should be safe… for now… most of the horde is gone already, so we should be able to pick ‘em all off once our mana is back… fuck… I hate being tired…”
“You may hate being tired… but at least it gives you a bit more of a thrill when you feel like there’s a chance of losing, so that victory is that much better.” Eris pants alongside him. “C’mon… I’ll make us something to eat…”
“Uugh… yeah… here’s the food pack… and the camp stove… hold on, lemme drill a chimney first…” Summoning the last of his mana, Umbra manages to make a decent enough chimney to their cave before collapsing, dazed, but not unconscious yet. Estimated time to recovery: three hours.
Eris begins making some fish fillets, they actually smelled pretty good, especially with a little bit of seasoning. Leave it to Eris to devote herself to making a tasty meal even with the threat of death.
“Uuuuurrrgghhhhhhhhey! That smells awesome!” Umbra has now woken up. Estimated time to recovery: right after a good meal.
“That’s because it is awesome, despite Mom wanting Dad and I to live with less meat in our diets she still lets us have fish from time to time and Dad taught me some of his favorite recipes.”
“...remind me to thank your father the next time I see him…” With that said, Umbra digs in, mana and health bars visibly replenishing above his head. “Jeez, your father taught you really well… I’m almost jealous now… I can’t exactly cook too well…”
“I’m sure you can cook just fine, when we’re done with this quest I’ll have you make dinner for me and we can see.” Eris says with a small chuckle as she gets the fish out of the pan.
“...Bad idea… I’ve literally created new states of matter when I try to cook… it has never gotten any better than poptarts in a toaster… I shit you not.” It’s true, too. Umbra has literally made a negative Kelvin state of matter, just by trying to make ice cream. “Though… I think it’s mostly because I over kill it with my Admin powers…”
“Then try not using your Admin powers, use the tools instead of your powers, like I do… A perfect meal is made with love, not magic. Just ask King Neptune.” Eris chuckles.
“I should never have let you watch that show…” Umbra mutters.
“Still… You could do with some lessons anyway, and lucky for you, I’m one of the few people from Ponyville who aren’t averse to eating meat.”
“Thank gods for that… well, I’m just about done… everything seems to be back at a hundred percent… although…” Umbra’s eyes widen before he desperately ‘ports away to parts unknown, reappearing a few minutes later. “... I hate having the other half of a digestive system… Oh gods why?” He blushes, after all, not being corporeal tends to keep one from remembering what… passing waste… feels like. “Let’s pretend this never happened and get back to Fiore, eh?”
“Sure…” Eris replies as she finishes up her food. “Although, it should’ve taken a bit longer to go through your digestive tract so that we didn’t have to find out about it on-camera.”
“I think it was from this morning… and because one of the author’s is a troll…”
‘Dammit Jsyrin, not cool!’
“Oh well…” Eris replies as she cuddles up against him, “At least we can go back to town and act like this desert didn’t happen.”
Later…
“Huh… that was quick…” Umbra comments as he looks at the line of italicized text above him. “Well, at least now we can pretend that never happened… let’s get this guy back to his son, yeah?” He hefts the still unconscious man over his shoulder, though now it’s just an exhaustion nap.
“I really think we should wake him up or something.” Eris suggests, “that way he can carry his own weight.”
“...” Umbra responds eloquently, dropping the man on his feet and giving him a dose of Pepper-Up potion.
“Gah! Buh, Wha!? Where am I!?” The disheveled man exclaims, noting the change of scenery.
“Relax, Mr. Leifson, your son sent us to get you. You’re back in Fiore… good thing too, you almost fell prey to a Necronomicon… nasty works they are…”
“Yep, so… basically, Not dead is where you are, and you should appreciate that… your son wouldn’t have liked to know that his father was dead.” Eris adds.
“Oh… alright… I’ll be on my way then, yes…” With that, the old-ish man stumbles off into Sven’s house, conveniently the third one to the left of the village gates.
Quest Complete! Find Sven Ericsson for your reward!
“Right… let’s go find Sven…” And the couple walks through the town, looking for Sven, just to collect their reward… and maybe find an inn.
“Alright.” Eris says with a small smile as she hugs Umbra’s arm again, taking a bit more of a look at the town now that she’s not pressured into a quest by some shady guy.
It really is quite pretty, holding a sort of rustic charm to it. All around are the residents of the town, playing, working, chatting, going about their lives. And all around for miles is just deep, deep, green forest. Truly a wonderful sight, eh?
“You see him yet? I want to make sure the kid has his dad back.”
“Hmm? Oh yeah, he’s over there, in that market stall. Looks like he’s selling fruit or something…” The two walk over, and when Sven notices them, he pulls out a deceptively small sack that jingles in his hand.
“Here, payment for bringing my father, I hope it serves you well.”
Payment Received! 5,000 Gold Coins! +34 EXP!
“Surprisingly small for five thousand… but as long as the cash is there.” Eris says with a shrug.
“Bags of Holding are really easy to make here I guess…”
“Welp, let’s go enjoy ourselves on the town tonight.”
“...Alright then. Where to?”
“Maybe… a nice restaurant for dinner?” Eris offers.
“Anything for you, love.”
“So, anything in particular you’re interested in for dinner?”
“Saw a nice looking restaurant a few streets back, don’t know what they serve… but it should be interesting enough…”
“Then let’s go find it!” She says joyously as she pulls on Umbra’s arm, heading to the marketplace.
Later…
Dinner had been a thoroughly enjoyable activity, good food, good view, great atmosphere, and immensely beautiful company… well on Umbra’s side. Eris’ was much the same, save for the fact that her company was handsome and he would never fail to tell anyone the difference. All in all, a near perfect night, now only needing a place to sleep to make the night perfect.
Eris couldn’t keep the smile off her face all through dinner, simply enjoying being around him as she ate. Her smile faltered only a little as she began to think of their next move, their next quest, the next innocent life that was in harm’s way. As much as she enjoyed balance, it still unnerved her that innocent beings had to be hurt for balance to happen. A small sigh managed to escape her lips.
“Hey Eris?”
“Yeah…?”
“There’s an inn just up ahead… do we get a single bed or a two bed?”
“Well… We should get a double… unless you want to just share the space of a single…” She offers.
“I guess… but you’re really fun to cuddle…” Umbra blushes and grabs Eris a little tighter.
She gets a nervous blush on her face as she focuses on the road in front of her.
Reaching the inn, simply titled ‘Main Street inn’, the pair walks inside, noticing that the inn was actually fairly modern in design, though still containing elements of a fantasy setting.
“Y’know, I honestly did not know what to expect when we walked in… but this is actually really nice.”
Eris gives an approving nod, “Yeah… This is actually really nice… Let’s get that room so we can start questing as soon as possible.”
Walking up to the counter, Umbra engages the receptionist, who he notes is a fairly androgynous elven male… because that’s something you notice apparently, in a light conversation.
“Good evening to you, good traveler! Would you like a room to stay the night?”
Umbra smiles lightly, too happy to keep up his normal anti-social attitude, “Yessir, my lady and I would like to rent a single room for tonight.”
“Excellent! If you don’t find it too presumptuous, would you like a single bed or two beds?”
“Hmm… Eris? Your call.”
Eris puts her hand on her chin in thought for a second. “We’ll go with a single bed.” She replies.
The receptionist smiles, jotting down a few notes. “Great! That’ll be twenty gold coins, unless you also want an included breakfast, in which case that’s an extra three! Is everything satisfactory?”
Umbra nods, placing a small pouch full of the requested amount on the counter. “Thank you, sir. So, which room is it?”
“Ah! Sorry, it’s room 213, up the stairs, to the left, third from the end. We wish you a good night, sir!”
Eris claps her hands together a little and begins to pull Umbra toward the stairs.
“Heh… that eager to sleep?” Umbra almost trips up the stairs, mostly due to how fast Eris dragged him, partly because he almost forgot that he wasn’t incorporeal anymore.
“You could say that…” Eris replies with almost an evil smirk.
“Oh my!” Umbra immediately picks up the pace.
As soon as they get to the room Eris locks the door behind them, “Lets rest… so that we can go on so… many… adventures…” She smirks as she puts a bit more emphasis on the last three words.
Umbra awoke first early the next morning, around six a.m. in the morning, to be exact. Seeing Eris snuggled up against him made him recall the activities the pair had gotten up to the last night. Reluctant to end the moment, he simply pulled Eris closer, causing her to smile in her sleep, and closed his eyes again, waiting for her to awaken.
She nuzzles against him as she curls up a bit more on the bed, “That was amazing…” She sighs softly before letting out a small yawn.
“You were amazing, love…” Umbra also sighs, feeling a contentment that he’d never really felt before… mostly because he was a virgin up until last night.
She simply smiles before sitting up to stretch. “Yes… A night of wonderful pleasure and a day ahead of us filled with wonderful adventure… And I have you to thank for it.” She giggles as she starts to get out of bed.
Umbra tries to be a gentleman and looks away for a moment, before realizing that he had already seen all the, ahem, intimate parts on Eris’ body already.
“Well, I suppose you do… now then, I think it’s time for a bit of actual adventuring, eh? What d’ya think, love?” Umbra pauses a moment. “Actually, I don’t really think we can go many places without being given a quest first… I guess we better start exploring the town then… I don’t like talking to people much…” The last part, though muttered under his breath, still managed to reach Eris’ ears.
Eris chuckles again before casting a small spell to clean herself and materialize her clothes onto herself. “Then let’s go so this town can have the heroes they want.” She replies with a confident smirk.
“Allons-y!”
After a quick, but filling, breakfast
“Well… who so you wanna talk to first, love?”
“How about that guard-looking guy over there? He’s got a dragon symbol above his head!” Eris points excitedly in a vaguely eastward direction.
Umbra looks over and indeed there was a dragon symbol, a red one containing the visage of a snarling dragon head in a circle, to be exact.
Eris walks up to the guard and flashes him a smile. “Is there anything that two amazing adventurers could help out with?” She bats her eyes a little.
“Ah severely doubt tha’, lass. For y’see, thar be a bit o’ a dragon problem in these here parts. My advise’d be t’ stay inside wiv’ yer fam’ly while th’ town guards handle it.” The man’s voice boomed with a severe Scottish brogue, tinged with a bit of southern redneck, pirate, and a bit of Rubeus Hagrid.
Eris looks over to Umbra, “You know… I think I want to go questing for the Crimson rod of Dragon Mastery…” She suggests. “...So we can deal with the dragons.”
“That actually sounds great. Hold on a mo’, need to do something real quick.”
“No Lollygaggin’.” The guard states, standing in place like a useless NPC.
“...Y’know what, forget it. I was gonna do something funny, but I guess not.” Turning to follow Eris, Umbra starts down the road, taking a few steps before whirling around, “FUS RO DAH!”
“Why did you even do that!?” Eris asks as she gives Umbra an incredulous look.
“Don’t worry, he’ll respawn. Look, there he is!” Umbra points to where the Guard was before, where there is now another guard fading into view.
“I said ‘No Lollygaggin’!” Eris rolls her eyes at the guard’s sheer stupidity.
“NPCs, what’re ya gonna do?” Shrugging his shoulders, Umbra leads Eris out the southern gates of Fiore, ready to head out into the adventure laden hills beyond.
Or at least, he would have, had a dragon not attacked that instant.
“YOL TOOR SHUL”
“Oh come on! That’s a Skyrim thing!” Umbra could not resist shouting this, despite using a Fus Ro Dah not a minute earlier.
“Shut up and attack the dragon already!” Eris screams, already hurling spell after spell at the largely unconcerned hunk of flying, reptilian, fire-breathing death. She grumbled to herself as she began to cast a spell that would, hopefully, bring the dragon to the ground.
“Stand back, love, this might get a bit...messy,” Umbra gently pushes Eris out of the way, preparing his own offensive that, hopefully, would end the battle in one move. Eris simply raises an eyebrow curiously.
“Here’s a little thing I learned from another Universe! Kurare! Kisatsu! Giga! Doriru! BREAKEEEEEERRRRR!” Launching from his spot on the ground, Umbra produces a large, shadow drill, approximately the size of a minivan, and proceeds to ram into the dragon as hard as physically possible.
And it, unfortunately, does nothing but cause superficial wounds on the dragon. Umbra stares for a moment before being unceremoniously slammed back into the unforgiving dirt below.
“Augh! Shit that hurts!”
Taking a moment to actually read the dragon’s stats, Umbra immediately pales, before displaying the screen to Eris as well as the proverbial camera. She deadpans at him, “You are such an idiot sometimes…”
“Oh...Shit…We’re gonna need to go all out for this one...” Umbra groans, not used to exerting himself anymore, not really.
Eris gives him another look. “Ya think?” She snarks before using her staff to launch another fireball at the dragon.
“Fuck… Not used to going all out… Fine. Oh please, please let this do something!” Umbra nearly desperately exclaims, summoning as much of his power as he could, “Shadow… SCALPEL!”
With an unearthly wail of deafening silence, a beam of pure shadow rends the air between Umbra and the dragon, striking it in the chest, doing seemingly nothing… until the beast begins wailing in agony, shadow blades poking from various orifices, natural and otherwise.
-400 Health
“...Oh you’ve gotta be shitting me…” Umbra is enraged at not doing more than that, but then, it hadn’t even really been all his power, now had it?
“Well… Just deal with it…” Eris says as she dashes toward some large rocks for cover, “Focus on the dragon, not your damage, and we’ll get through this just fine…”
“Right. Well… I’ll cover you while you do your spell. Shadowscreen!” Umbra takes the opportunity to blind the dragon, creating a large box of shadow to contain the raging beast.
“C’mon! That’s not going to keep it still for too long!”
Eris’ eyes take on a white glow as she lets another spell loose, electricity arcs from her hand up to the dragon with a cacophony of sound.
-380 Health
“Needle Forest.”
Bursting forth from the ground, Umbra’s attack immediately impales the dragon with thousands upon thousands of hair-thin needles made of shadow, effectively immobilizing it and pinning it to the ground.
With a sound not unlike that of a blade sliding through flesh, the forest rotates around its central axis, tearing through the dragon, causing even more roars of agony
-511 Health
Eris uses the rock to mud spell in order to have the dragon sink into the ground, and then unleashes the transmute mud to rock spell to trap its arms and legs in place.
Dragon Status: Trapped Immobilization for 3 Rounds
The dragon immediately begins to struggle, attacking everything around it with all of it’s available weapons.
“FO KRAH DIIN!”
Utilizing it’s thu’um once again, the Dragon attempts to freeze the area around it, specifically its bonds.
“Hmm… its ice attacks are much more powerful than its fire… not surprising, it is a Frost Dragon.” Umbra quietly notes, before taking action once more.
Immediately Eris lets loose a Wall Of Fire spell underneath the dragon to engulf it in flames.
-580 Health
“Subspace Pocket: Open. Withdraw Artifact: Arondight: The Unfading Light of the Lake.”
Withdrawing an immensely beautiful English Longsword from his pocket, Umbra grasps it, now more confident in his abilities to slay the dragon.
Breaking the sound barrier and hitting Mach 3, the Magical Sword slams into the unruly reptile, parting flesh like butter and impaling it with the full force of the second most popular hero of Arthurian Legend.
-1004 Health Critical Hit! Stun!
The Dragon locks up, still in the throes of immense, enraged agony, but now unable to move until the Stun Lock wears off.
“Heh… almost forgot about my trusty pockets… Withdraw! Shining Sword of the Lake! The Sword of Promised Victory! Withdraw! EXCALIBUR!”
Eris takes a deep breath as she readies another spell. “You know… sometimes I really hate our luck…” She mutters.
“Hmph… Me too…” Hefting the brightly glowing, golden, majestic, unearthly, HOLY blade, Umbra smirks, before dashing at the dragon, still in Stun Lock, and striking out, cutting through the dragon just as easily as he had with Arondight. Once the blade penetrated, he released it’s majestic power.
“EX-CALIBAAAAAAAAA!”
And with a burst of radiance that blinded nearly everyone in the vicinity, a massive beam of HOLY Light burst through the Dragon, simultaneously inflicting massive wounds and breaking it out of Stun Lock.
-2020 Health Dragon is freed! Dragon Activates Hidden Skill: MADNESS ENHANCEMENT
“Oh… Balls.” Umbra manages to mutter before he is once again slapped aside by the now incredibly pissed off dragon, the beast itself being shrouded in an energy cloak made of darkness, frost, and the nightmares of children everywhere.
MADNESS ENHANCEMENT: Adds 2000 Health to User Increases Strength 2X Decreases Cognitive Function Danger Level: 8.9
“...Double balls…Ow, my spleen…” Umbra whimpers a little, having broken at least two of his ribs and torn open a dozen lacerations from both the impact and the resulting thirty foot skid.
“Withdraw: Health Potion.”
Health Restored!
“Much better. Eris! Catch! Withdraw: Mana Potion!”
Tossing the potion over, Umbra turns back to the dragon charging directly at them. Time to impact: T-minus 10 seconds.
Eris quickly downs the potion and lets loose another chain lightning spell at the dragon to throw it off course.
-450 Health Charge Interrupted! -80 Health
“VEN GAAR NOS!”
The cyclone generated by the dragon’s shout heads directly towards our heroes, tearing up everything in its path. Panicking a bit, Umbra leaps forward with a cry of
“Dark Fortress!”
Immediately, a massive, black, medieval themed wall springs from the ground, blocking the cyclone’s advance, though it still begins to grind through.
“C’mon...c’mon… don’t fail me now…”
The cyclone continues it’s pace, the dragon content to just sit and wait for the blockade to fall. A foot… two feet… five… and about an inch from breaking through, the cyclone dissipates, vanishing back into the air that made it.
“Oh thank god. Now… allow me to reply in turn. Eris! Set up the biggest wind spell you can… I got a plan!”
Umbra slips out three objects from his Pocket: A sword and two amulets, one tentatively shaped like an eye, the other like a five point star. Slamming all three together, Umbra waits for Eris to begin her spell.
With a quick flourish of her hands, Eris lets loose a Cloudkill spell, bringing in a fog to weaken the dragon.
-600 Health
“Heh, thanks love. Sword of the Storms! Star Hanabi! Eye of Dashi! Fire-Lightning-Tornado!”
True to name, a massive, flaming cyclone crackling with pent up lightning blasts its way towards the dragon, which, due to the Madness Enhancement, proceeded to just tank through it, disregarding any and all damage that it took.
-1900 Health
“Now we’re getting somewhere!”
“Yeah! After like… Forever!” Eris replies as she casts Cat’s Grace on Umbra to improve his reflexes.
“Let’s not curse a good thing, love.” Rushing forward to meet the once again charging dragon, Umbra proceeds to draw another sword, this one utterly incomprehensible, unable to be understood by anyone without true Understanding.
“EA: SWORD OF RUPTURE!”
“EA?” Eris questions as she gives Umbra a confused look.
Too far away to hear her question, Umbra leaps, carried high into the air by his cloak, the dragon following and trying to tear him a structurally superfluous new behind with its gnashing maw.
“Need a bit of height to keep the casualties down… Che. GAZE UPON THE GOLDEN SPLENDOR OF EA, YOU WORTHLESS WORM! LOOK UPON ME AND BE THANKFUL THAT I HAVE ALLOWED THEE TO GAZE UPON MY FORM! NOW… KNOW TRUEST DESPAIR AND COWER BENEATH THE MIGHT OF… ENUMA ELISH!”
Following Umbra’s Ham-tastic speech, a massive rent of purest TRUTH split its way across the sky, impacting the dragon and carrying it down into the unforgiving earth below. Impacting the ground, the dragon made one last attempt at a roar, choked off from the pressure and the impact. The attack lasted for another minute, blasting the beast into a massive crater of disintegrating reptilian flesh.
-3000 Health Dragon defeated! +3,000 EXP! Gained: Dragon bone Dragon Scale Dragon soul 63 Gold Half digested armor Dragon Blood (dirtied) Dragon Parts (destroyed)
With victory realized, Umbra pitches backwards, falling from the sky and down to the ground below, completely unconscious and magically drained; so much so that not even his cloak could activate.
Eris quickly lets out a feather falling spell on him to keep Umbra from splitting his head open on the ground. With a small smile she whispers, “...You did good…”