Yup, a sandwich. That's why I'm here. I ate a sandwich, not a good one at that either, and now I'm in a colorful world full of ponies. Yeah. Great way to spend my summer.
You know how people say eating cheese before bed causes some messed up dreams? They were right. And bread seems to enhance the power, because I'm stuck in the most fricked up dream imaginable. Though most people I know would kill to be where I am, I'd rather kill to get out. Sadly, it won't be that easy.
"Ugh, I should not have eaten that sandwich." I said to myself as I woke up, hand on my stomach. I rolled my face over the side of my bed and threw up right into the bucket I had set there before my little nap. But, as my luck would have it, the bucket somehow moved three inches to the side. "Why did I have to eat a cheese sandwich? Why don't I listen to my doctor?" I though about what I'd be doing if I were to have listened to my doctor when he said I had developed lactose intolerance. Playing video games, drinking soda, eating cookies. Everything I want to be doing. But hey, my reasoning was sound. How can someone who has been eating pizza and drinking milk his entire life suddenly develop an allergy to that of which he loves, dairy? But no, instead of being smart and listening, I laughed in his face and now I have to go mop up this mess I made. So I sat up and stretched. A long drawn out yawn woke me up so I could brave the day. I swung around so I was facing off the couch and hopped off. And lucky me, I fell flat on my face, in the green puddle of the equivalent of shit form my mouth.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" a female voice shouted at me from down the hall, then I heard footsteps coming closer. Great, now my sister is gonna flip shit because I threw up all over her nice hardwood floor. "For crying out loud, I take you into my house, let you sleep here, and you repay me by fucking the place up. Some house guest you are!"
"Well sorry but it's not my fault I'm allergic to cheeeeee?" I slowly looked up and froze, astonished at the sight. "Uhh sis, come here."
"I'm not your sister, and I'm right here." she said.
"This is one totally fucked up hallucination."
"You're telling me. Now make yourself useful and stop puking. Take a shower or something, I just got out of mine so the water is still hot." I watched a sky blue, almost cyan pony with a rainbow colored tail and mane walk to a nearby closet. She pulled out a mop and mop bucket and kicked it towards me. "Well, you gonna sit there gawking or go do it?"
I scrambled to my feet, eager to get to the shower and clear away this crazy image, but every time I got on my rear legs, I'd stumble instantly and fall, so I ended up walking on all fours to the bathroom. But for some reason, it felt natural. I all but fell through the bathroom door and quickly hopped into the shower. Knowing how I sleep, and my condition, I felt that it was better to get what little clothes I had on wet than waste time to take them off. I turned on the shower and the head screamed as the water sprayed out, almost as if it was asking 'whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?' in a long, drawn out, high pitched fashion. I could tell from the temperature that I was just catching the last bit of warm water before it cooled back to room temp from not being used. It quickly got hot again though, and I put my face right in the stream.
It felt nice until I thought, oh crap, what about my clothes? I looked back and saw that I was wearing something white. Only, it wasn't clothes. When I tried to pull it off, I felt pain. And upon further inspection, I found is was a layer of hair, or fur, or something. I also discovered my tail, and mane. Both of which were a similar blue to the pony I saw previously. Well, this is a nice wake up. Kind of like God, nature, your body, and hell, everything, is giving you a big 'fuck you' right in the face. Either this water is making it worse, I'm a total loon, something is entirely messed up, or that myth about cheese and dreams is true. I really hope it's the latter. Although, this doesn't feel like a dream. After I figured that staying in the shower would change nothing, I turned off the water and stepped out. I grabbed a towel off the nearby rack and dried myself with it quickly. I looked at it's print before tossing it on another wet towel I presume the pony I saw used from her shower. It had several ponies staring at the sky and some flying in the sky in the back. I'm not exactly sure what that's all about, but hey, I won't judge.
I trotted out of the bathroom and looked down the hall into the room I slept in, which was probably the living room considering how open and welcoming it seemed.
"So, now that your up. Where the hell do you live so I can take you back?" a cyan pony called to me from the living room.
"I can take myself home thank you very much." I responded.
"Then scram." she said when she appeared in the hallway, pushing a bucket filled with vomit. She stopped in front of me.
"Umm. I don't know where I am, sooo."
"You're at my house, happy?"
"Could you be more specific?"
"A cloud floating above Ponyville."
"Wait wait wait. Ponyville?"
"Yeah? Every heard of it? One of the like 5 towns on the planet?"
"So you're saying, everyone here is a cartoon pony?"
"Umm, duh. Sheesh, where have you been living, the griffon kingdom?"
"No, I'm from the real world, you know, Earth."
The mare stared at me funny for a couple seconds. "Ok, clearly you hit your head something nasty."
"No I didn't, I ate a sandwich I shouldn't have and now I have the craziest screwed up dream in the world. God I could write a book about it someday, it probably wouldn't be a well made story and full of grammatical errors, but I wrote it so I'd be happy."
"Yeah so I'm just going to take you to my friend Twilight's house and she can tell us whats wrong with you."
"Good luck with that." I turned around and walked down the hallway. I felt the mare's eyes burning into the back of my head.
"No. You're coming with me to my friends house."
"I'd like to see you try."
"All right." next thing I know, I'm lying sprawled out on the floor with a female horse on my back.
"OW!"
"Oh I'm sowwy wittle boy. Did that huwt?" she said as though taking to a baby.
"Oh ha ha that's funny."
"All right now let's go see what's wrong with you." She slowly stood back up and held me with her front hooves. She flapped a pair of wings I didn't notice previously and hovered above the floor with me in her grasp.
"Ok that's pretty cool, I gotta admit."
"Can it." She spat as she struggled to carry me down the hall and out her door which was conveniently open.
"OH DEAR GOD PLEASE DON'T DROP ME!" I shouted as I reached back and clung to the neck of the mare who was carrying me.
"Wasn't planning on it, and please let go of my throat." she managed to say through my iron grip.
"Sorry." I said instantly letting go and resting in her hooves again.
"Besides, even if I did drop you, you're a pegasus, you could easily recover from the fall and fly away."
"Wait what?" I asked, astonished.
"What did you think these were for?" she grabbed an appendage I didn't know I had and waved it around a bit.
"I was wondering what that odd feeling around my shoulder was."
"Ok either you're a really good liar."
"Or?"
"Or you really aren't from around here."
"What gave it away?" I asked sarcastically.
"Well, most ponies don't lie that much, and you seem awfully clueless."
"And it only took you that long to figure it out."
"Careful, I can still drop you."
"Hah, I'm sure I can learn to fly on the fall."
"Ok." The blue pegasus dropped me and hovered down slowly. Well, when you tempt fate I guess.
I felt terror for a second, then I panicked and used the muscles I assumed were for my wings. That's when it hit me. "OW!" I lied on the ground with all my limbs outspread. "That was not cool."
"Hey, I never said I would drop you from a high height, or that it's easy to fly." She said hovering in front of me.
"Eh, that's fair I guess."
She extended a hoof to me and I grasped it somehow with mine. "You know, I never asked your name." she said as she pulled me up onto my feet, er, hooves.
"It's Xavier Witten, what's yours?"
"Rainbow Dash, and you need a new name."
"What's wrong with Xavier?"
"Well if you're going to live in Ponyville, you need a more ponyish name to fit in."
"Oh hell no. I am not changing my name to some sissy combination of innocent words just to seem normal for a couple hours! The second I get a chance to wake up from this nightmare, I'm out!"
"Fine fine, if you're going to be that rude I guess I'll just leave you here to fend for yourself." Rainbow turned around and started walking away slowly.
"Wait!" I ran in front of her and stopped her. "Umm, actually could you stay with me for a little while, I have no clue where I am and I'm kind of scared. No dream in my life has seemed so real."
"Sure, and by the way, this isn't a dream, this is my life. Welcome to Ponyville."
"Prove to me this isn't a dream." I said.
"I dropped you remember, it hurt."
"I'm a heavy sleeper."
"Try to make something appear." Dash said unamused as though she thought this was a terrible prank.
"That only works in movies."
"Where would you have gotten the motivation to think of a world like this and why would you ask for my help if this is your dream?"
"I'm on medication and my dreams are confusing, I need a guide and it's usually the first thing I meet so."
"Ok just, this is real dude ok, I don't know who you are or where you came from all I know is your name so, do you want my help or not?"
"Hmm, well most of my dreams aren't this complicated." I muttered to myself. I kicked a pebble that was near my hoof a little ways. Physics seem normal, so either these meds are working and are making me normal, or something is seriously wrong with me. "Fine, but can you please help me find my way back."
"It's ok with me."
"You seem a lot calmer out of your house."
"Flying calms me down, you seem more mellow too."
"I don't know why, but whenever someone near me starts yelling I start yelling and swearing and stuff. I think it's genetics."
Rainbow chuckled and punched me on the shoulder. "I dunno, but you could ask egghead." She walked up to a nearby tree and knocked on the door. "Hey Twilight come out here a minute!" she shouted.
"Just a minute." A faint voice called from inside.
Rainbow and I stood around the doorway looking around awkwardly. I looked myself over quickly. Yup, still a horse with a white coat and cyan mane and tail. I snuck a glance at Rainbow's flank then looked at my own.
"So, that tattoo on your leg." I said trying to start an awkward conversation to avoid slightly more awkward silence.
"It's not a tattoo you drip. It's my cutie mark."
"You're what?"
"When a pony finds their special talent they get a mark on their flank to show it called a cutie mark." Rainbow explained.
"I see." I stared at the ground at a pebble to see if it would move. A few more silent moments of awkwardness passed. "So uh, how about that weather?"
"I know all about it, I control it, and before you ask it's because I'm a pegasus so I can control weather."
"I see." I turned back to my side. "So does that mean I can control weather?" I asked after looking over my wings.
"Yeah but it's a complicated process. First you fly, then you push the clouds around." Rainbow waved a hoof in the air to demonstrate the overly complex process.
"Sounds awfully difficult." I said sarcastically.
Rainbow and I went back to staring at the door. Not another word was uttered until the door opened and a violet pony opened the door.
"Sorry it took so long." she said. "I couldn't find the stopper for my potion." she gave a friendly smile and gestured inside. "Come in come in!"
"Thanks Twilight." Rainbow said, she hovered over to the couch and plopped herself down. I trotted in after her and took a chair.
"So, who is he?" Twilight asked after taking a seat next to me.
"He's Cloud Star." Rainbow said quickly. She gave me a quick glare that told me everything I needed to know. This is your name while you're here and you will like it.
"Yeah, I'm Cloud Star." I said nervously.
Twilight sighed. "Rainbow seriously, I know that look. Now who is he really?"
"To be honest, I don't even know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I mean I don't know."
I watched the two mares talk, glancing between each one to keep track of who was who.
"May I interject?" I asked politely.
"Sure." Twilight said.
"Shut up!" Rainbow demanded.
"I'm a human. And this is the most realistic dream I've ever had." I said plainly, not thinking. ` Rainbow and Twilight stared at me with rage and intrigue respectively.
"A human you say?" Twilight asked me.
"Yeah." I said. "Why? Is that bad or something here?"
Twilight's horn glowed and I felt my legs tingle. "This is gonna be fun." She said with a twisted smile.
"What?" Next thing I know, my hooves are in the air above my head and I'm floating behind her to her basement, Rainbow followed.
"Welcome to my basement." Twilight said with a twisted grin. I was forcefully slammed on a cold, hard examination table. Leather straps magically levitated themselves and strapped down all four of my hooves and head, extremely limiting movement. The lavender pony hopped up onto the table, standing over me. She grasped each of my wings with her hooves and spread them to their limits. Two clamps flew towards the edges of the table and kept my wings down. She hopped back down onto the floor and looked at me, the same smile still plastered on her face. "Ok 'Cloud Star' can you move your head and look at this table of very sharp things?" She asked
"WHAT?!" I strained against my restraints to try to see where she was gesturing. Twilight giggled.
"Just kidding, they're just regular check up tools." Her horn lit up and a tongue depressor and mirror went into my mouth. "Well, mostly."
I began to detect a pattern. Twilight's horn glowed, things started to live, these things were shrouded in purple. I contemplated possibilities as she moved the two primitive tools around my mouth. "Rainbow." she shouted. "Get me book 173, mouth abnormalities and open to page 690." I heard some books getting thrown to the floor as the pegasus searched for the desired book. She eventually flew over to Twilight and held it open on the page. "Hmm." Twilight looked between my mouth and the book. She moved the tools around quickly for a better view. She scratched her chin then flipped the page. "Interesting." The popsicle stick was thrown out and the mirror gently placed near a sink to signify it needed cleaning. Twilight went over to her just out of view table for another tool.
"Hurry up Twi, I don't have all day." Rainbow said, shutting the book and flying over to put it back.
"Relax Rainbow, you'll just make him more tense." Twilight said as she picked up a metal tool with her magic and observed it. It ended with a shiny hook with a very obvious point.
"What are you going to do to me?" I asked with a hint of worry in my voice.
"Just going to observe you mouth better. I though I saw something peculiar." she held down my bottom jaw with her hoof and slowly pushed the tool back. She stopped about halfway back and tapped a tooth. "Hmm." she said, obviously interested. She levitated a notepad and pencil to her and wrote something down. "Rainbow, page 1074 please."
"Ugg, fine." Rainbow Dash picked up the dropped book and turned it about halfway through the pages, right to the desired number. "What do you think it is doc?" Rainbow asked, forging mock interest, adding an eye roll to prove how little she cared.
"Well Rainbow." Twilight began. I heard the cyan mare sigh. "You see, ponies have flat and round teeth for grinding up plants because they're herbivores. Griffons have sharp pointy teeth to tear meat and slice bones because they are carnivores. But humans are special. They have both teeth because they are omnivores and eat both plants and meat." Twilight paused for a second and angled her head for a better view in my mouth. "This tooth here." She tapped a tooth just behind my incisors with the metallic instrument. "Through this one here." she tapped the one on the other side. "Are sharp for eating meat, while the rest are flat and rounded for eating plants." She looked at Rainbow who made no effort to show she was interested, but babbled on anyways. "You see, when one's species is altered, the teeth are naturally resistant to magic due to their keratin lining so they are usually the same as it's previous species." She pulled the tool from my mouth and looked at me with that same, demented grin.
"What, so you're saying I pissed off some old hag and she did this to me?" I asked, as if I thought that was even a possibility.
"Exactly." Twilight said as she set the tool by the mirror and walked over to an area I couldn't see. I strained my neck muscles to bypass the constraints and see, but couldn't. I heard a loud crack and Twilight said "Oh, perfect." She walked back over to me, and I think I may have made a mess on her table when I saw what she grabbed. "Now this is where things get fun." Twilight said, an eye twitch added to her satanic smile.
"Oh boy, here we go again." Rainbow said.
Twilight raised her switch and stared me in the eyes. "This will only hurt a lot." She faked me out with a few small jumps before she let the whip go.
"STOP!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she flew in last second and caught the whip head inches from my bared chest.
"What? I need blood samples!" Twilight complained.
"There are safer, easier, and less painful ways." The pegasus reasoned, almost like negotiating with a terrorist.
"Name one."
"The hoof prick test." Rainbow said flatly, clearly un-amused by the childlike protest.
"But you never let me use the kinky things."
"Just take the needle and jab his arm."
"But, but." The pony stared into her friend's eyes pleadingly.
"Next time."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Yay!" Twilight giddily bounded over to her table and grabbed a small syringe.
She surgically stuck the pointy end into my vein and drew a tiny sample of blood. She then levitated it over to another table where she dropped one drop onto a blue screen. The larger screen, next to her head and in clear sight of me, which I somehow hadn't noticed, probably in terror, lit up instantly. A double helix assembled itself from pieces found outside the box. It flashed red as though an error has been detected and in zoomed in about three quarters of the way up the ladder. A blue box appeared with orange words that read 'Error in decoding species, sample implacable. Potential species: Pony: 80% Human: 15% Cow: 5%'
"Where did cow come from?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not sure why, but if it finds a short strand of DNA it can't read, it just assumes it's cow." Twilight explained. "But this definitely shows evidence you truly are from Earth, though this could pose a problem."
"What? Like what? Tell it to me straight doc, how long do I have to live? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"
Rainbow flew up and smacked me. "Calm down dude, just avoid trading of bodily fluids with others."
"That 5% cow is too much. If it truly is that high, it could cause anything from mild allergies, to death if it's in the right spot. Just stick with Rainbow Dash and do what she says. Pretend everything is off limits unless approved by either her or me, and do not under any circumstances tell any other pony about your origins."