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Upon This Shelf
Hello. My name is Sweetie Belle, and I am a stuffed pony.
When I was first created my only wish, like all the other Sweetie Belle's, was to be loved by a little girl. It seems like a lifetime since those days. I've learned a lot about life, friendship, and what it really means to be loved.
I'd like to share with you my journey.
Like all the other Sweetie Belles, I was sent to a Build a Bear. I just couldn't wait to be chosen by that special child. The first day was so exciting, but no one picked me. I thought "No biggie. I'll find a home tomorrow", but no one picked me that day either.
But I didn't give up hope. I knew that any day, any minute, any hour some special little girl would come in and choose me, and we would play and pretend, she would talk to me and I would get to watch her grow and mature.
Every night at closing I would dream about what my special child would be like. Maybe she would be really pretty and have lots of friends who would bring their own ponies to play and have tea parties. Maybe she would be a shy little girl who held me and brought me with her wherever she went.
I would get so excited at opening time that I could have burst. You know, if I was able to move that is.
But as the weeks turned into months, and the months into more months, I started to lose heart.
One by one I watched the others get picked off the shelves while I waited for it to be my turn.
It hurt. It hurt so much to see all the other Sweetie Belles get carried out the door while I continued to take up space on a rapidly emptying shelf.
Then one day a little girl walked in with her mom. The girl was rubbing her cheek like her mouth was hurting, and I saw that she had braces on her teeth.
From what I could hear, the little girl had just gotten new braces put on her teeth and her mom was getting her a pony for being brave.
"Perfect," I thought. I can be the one to help her feel better after getting her braces.
I mentally crossed my hooves as the girl approached the shelf, and even better that she was looking right at me!
"Do you like that one, Sweet pea?" Her mom asked as she looked me over.
"Please oh please pick me," I pleaded in the seconds that she pondered her choice.
"No! She has an ugly face!"
I felt frozen.
Something shattered inside me, and if I wasn't stuffed I'm sure I would have started crying.
"I…..I'm ugly?"
I repeated the word over and over again as I watched the little girl walk away and pick another Sweetie Bell.
I continued to repeat it till later when a lady with mirror sunglasses came into the store and stopped close to me. For the first time in my life I saw myself.
My muzzle was a little flatter than the others!
The little girl was right. I am ugly….
And just like that……my life was crushed.
Since the time that I was stitched together my only dream was to find my little girl, and now it was gone.
I was cursed, the person who stitched me together wrong had cursed me to forever be alone. I would never be chosen. Never to be held in the arms of a special little girl who loved and cherished me.
Why?
Why did this have to happen to me?
I felt alone.
The next day I had none of the excitement or hope that had been with me since being put on the shelf. I stopped watching when someone came in, I knew that none would look at me.
As the days went on I started shutting down. Sleeping instead of being awake for as long as I could.
Sure some girls would occasionally pick me up. But they would always put me back when they saw how………imperfect I was.
"Maybe this is it," I wondered.
"Maybe I deserve to be alone. Who could love a flawed pony?"
After a while, I lost track of time, and finaly it was re-shelving day. The lady who worked there was re-shelving a new box of Sweetie Belles, all of them more perfect looking than the last.
Good for them. They'll all find homes.
It was stormy outside. From my place on the shelf I could see out the window as rain beat down on the glass doors, and thunder struck in the distance.
I kinda liked the rain. Something about the pitter patter of the drops made me feel peaceful, less sad about everything.
Like most rainy days I didn't expect anyone to come in. No one wants to buy a pony in the rain. But just as I thought that, the doors opened, and in stepped a tall man, defiantly in his mid twenties. His wet hair was long and in a pony tail. He walked in and took off his rectangular glasses and wiped them with his black shirt. He was slim from the look of his arms, and his forearms had chain tattoos around them.
My first impression of him was how shady he looked.
"Hi there," said the lady, standing up from the box.
"Anything I can help you find?"
The man looked around before locking onto the shelf I sat on.
"Just a Sweetie Belle," he stated with a flat yet somber and gentle voice.
I thought nothing of it as he walked over to where I was. I figured he was going to take the fresh new Sweetie next to me.
But he didn't.
He picked me up. I got a better look at him when he picked me up and looked at me. To be honest, I didn't like him very much. Most of the fathers that came in were handsome looking men, but this guy kinda scared me.
His eyes were green, but something about them seemed darker as he looked through a thin veil of his brown wavy hair. He had a little stubble on his face, and he frowned seriously as he looked at me.
I mentally rolled my eyes and sighed, knowing he was gonna put me back any minute, not that I wanted him to seriously pick me.
But he moved……he was walking.
He walked with me in his hand all the way to the register.
I was too frozen with shock to process what was happening.
The lady scanned my tag.
He was taking out his wallet, now his card!
I mentally gasped as I was gently lowered into a paper bag.
I was being bought. Someone had picked me!
Yes it was a man and not a little girl. But he was probably going to give me as a gift to his daughter, or niece or some little girl close to him.
Oh I just couldn't wait to meet her!
I looked over the rim of the bag as he walked to the exit. I couldn't believe it, but I actually though that I was going to miss my spot on the shelf.
As the doors closed behind him, I whispered luck to the other Sweeties. I hope they all found homes.
The outside world was so wonderful. The cool wind and rain and sounds of the outside world were so nice and refreshing after so long on the shelf.
The man put me in the passenger seat as he drove to where I hoped my little girl was waiting for me.
He lived in a high-rise apartment in a place with tall buildings. In the distance I could see green mountains stretching to the big gray sky.
His apartment was clean, for the most part. He had a patio with a glass sliding door looking out onto the town below.
He took me into his bedroom and took me out of the bag. I looked around but saw no girl. I would have even gone so far as to say he lived alone.
No matter, he'll probably take me to her later.
He set me by his pillow as he moved to stand before his closet. He lifted his shirt over his head to reveal his upper body. I mentally recoiled at the sight.
There were about four or five dark purple jagged scars on his back, forming an X aside from the other marks. On his upper right arm was another tattoo of a fox coiling down to his elbow, and on his left shoulder was a tattoo of a red spiral.
I didn't know anything about him, and don't get me wrong, I'm glad he picked me. But I was eager to get to my little girl.
With no shirt on he walked over to me with a small pair of scissors. He held my hair bun up as he sniped the elastic that held its shape.
He then did something I wasn't expecting. He laid down with me in his arms.
"What is he doing? Is he gonna sleep with me?!"
He pulled a blanket over us and held me close.
It was then I looked around his room. He had a collection of pony figures set up with care on a ledge. And on a wall hung a poster of pony characters.
Oh no, I had heard about people like him from the ladies that worked at the store.
Brownies, or brawnies, or……I don't know!
Oh no, he didn't buy me for a girl. He bought me for himself!
Suddenly I felt that I would have been better off back on the shelf. I bet that he did even know any little girls. I hoped that no little girls knew him, thats for sure.
I continued to grumble and complain inwardly.
I hated it!
This wasn't right!
This wasn't fair!
He smelt like………a guy!
I wanted the sweet smell of a pre-teen girl as she held me during her nap time.
I cringed as he cuddled me close. I thought that I must have the worst luck in the world. It wasn't bad enough that I was ugly, but now I get picked by some creepy, scared up, tattoo having creep!
I was miserable, but eventual I started to feel tired myself. I groaned as I frustratedly let myself drift off to sleep.
……………………………………….
"No…….no……I-I said…."
I came out of my sleep in a daze. I was awoken by a low mumbling from the gross guy I was being held by. For a brief second I didn't remember where I was, and hoped that it was all a bad dream.
Whoops, silly me. Still with this guy!
"Just…no….please….no," he mumbled as he griped me a little tighter.
What the heck is wrong with him? Is he having a bad dream?
Just wake up and shut up for peats sake. Haven't you ruined my day enough without disturbing my sleep?
"No!……….No!"
"Well that answers my question," I thought to myself.
He got quiet. I was just about to settle again and go back to sleep when.
"Haaaa!" He gasped, sitting up fast.
He put a hand to his face while clinging me to him with the other. He was sweaty, but I was too surprised at his abrupt awakening to notice.
He panted a few times in the dark before resting back.
His hand stroked my mane as he continued to breath heavily. After a minute or two he got up and left me on the bed while he went to the bathroom.
I heard water running, followed by the sound of something like a rattle.
A minute or two later he left the bathroom and stood in the doorway. He looked dizzy, more so when he started stumbling back to his bed.
He held me again as he laid down. He didn't go to sleep. Neither did I.
I was too uncomfortable and weirded out by him.
What was wrong with him?
What was that rattling sound I heard from the bathroom?
All of this just made me wish even more that I was with a little girl instead of him.
The next morning was hard. I didn't get much sleep, and now I had to go through my first day with him.
He made himself a cup of coffee.
And yes, he brought me with him into the kitchen.
At this point I wished he had left me in his bedroom. I didn't want to see him, much less be around him as he went about his day.
"I hate you," I muttered to him, even though I couldn't talk.
"I hate you I hate you I hate you!"
I repeated it hoping my words would somehow reach him.
He placed me in his lap as he sat in a chair that looked out the patio door. The sky was blue, and he sat there sipping coffee as he silently looked out the glass.
His living room was nice enough. He had a couch and a chair. His tv was against a wall and mounted on the wall was a curved saber looking sword in a bronze sheath. Hanging from the sword were a pair of silver colored spurs.
I didn't think anything of them though.
It was awkward and boring.
A little girl would be playing with me and having fun.
But this guy was just quiet and boring.
I almost fell asleep when he picked me up and sat with me in front of the tv.
"Great," I thought.
"Now he's gonna watch some sports game and start grunting and whooping like an ape."
He turned on the tv and flipped the channels. To my surprise he stopped on a kids channel.
Thats when I saw her.
Me!
Well, the me that I was modeled after.
"I'm a star!"
I forgot about the guy as I watched myself run around and go on adventures with my friends.
Well, her friends. But still.
Then a thought crossed me, and I cringed even harder at the guy.
Of course he watches a girls cartoon. He bought a stuffed pony for crying out loud!
I was feeling ok, but once again he ruined my good mood.
After the show was over, he got up and went to the bathroom. I was glad to have a moment to myself finally, but once again I heard the rattling sound from the bathroom.
What was that?
I thought nothing of it again when he came back to the couch and laid down with me.
About an hour later I was drifting off when he did something strange.
He picked me up and held me over his head. Something was off about him. His eyes were all drifty, and he looked like he was a mix of tired and dizzy. He ran his hand through my mane and started mouthing something silently.
"I'm sorry……….I'm just….so….sorry."
I didn't get it. Was he apologizing to me?
What was he talking about? His eyes started watering and he let out a whimpering sound.
He clutched me to his chest and started sobbing and sniffing.
Now I was really confused. He must be nuts!
But suddenly my feelings of agitation and anger at my rotten hand in life just stopped. But what I was feeling just confused me.
"What am I feeling?"
He continued to sob and cry as he held me. His chest was warm, and I almost didn't mind his chest hair on my face.
Almost.
Something was wrong with this guy, but I could tell it was for a reason.
Eventually he fell asleep, followed shortly by me. My head was still a mess of emotions and confusion, but I couldn't deny that his quiet living room felt comfortable.
'KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK'
I awoke abruptly at the loud noise from the front door.
The clock on the coffee table told me that I had been asleep for almost an hour.
He got up and left me on the couch as he went to answer the door.
"Hi sweetie," came the voice of an older sounding woman.
"Hey mom," replied the man.
"You didn't call me last night. I was worried that something had happened."
The two walked inside and into the open kitchen. The woman, who I knew now was his mother, looked to be in her early fifties. She had short blond hair with touches of grey in it, and her face had laugh lines, but she looked like a nice lady.
"I fell asleep early. I didn't mean to worry you."
"Well I hope your hungry. I made chicken catchatory."
The lady handed him a contained that looked like it had noodles in it.
"Thanks, I haven't eaten in a while."
I don't think he was lying. His eyes had dark bags under them. And his thin arms and body said that he wasn't a big eater.
"Jacob, I came to talk to you about something."
So his name is Jacob. Now I had a name to put to my agitation.
Jacob sighed before sitting on a bar stool.
"What is it, mom?"
The lady took one of his hands and held it with a worried look on her face.
"I've been talking to the people at the V.A., and they think you should come in for some…….you know, counseling."
"Mom I've told you-"
"It's just to talk, sweetie. It might be good for you."
"There is nothing to talk about. I'm fine."
"Fine" wasn't the word I would use.
"But you haven't even talked to me since you came back. Its been a year and you seem so different."
So he wasn't always like this? Somehow I didn't really care. I didn't think I would like him anyway.
"Ya, well, war will do that," he replied snakily.
His mom suddenly looked at him like she noticed something she hadn't before.
"Sweetie……you aren't….taking those pills again, are you?"
Jacob took his hand away from her sharply.
"I said I'm fine!"
Even I jumped internally when he snapped at her.
An awkward silence fell on the room. His mom's eyes averted downward.
"Please, sweet heart, think about it."
Jacob nodded once before walking his mom to the front door, giving her a hug and a kiss before she left. Jacob went back to the bathroom once again, and again I heard the rattling.
When he came out he looked like a hot mess. His skin was clammy and almost pale. He stumbled to a box in the corner of the living room and opened it, pulling out a black hat.
It was a stetson hat with a gold yellow cord around the brim, and it was adorned with gold metal pieces. The most noticeable was a double saber crossed on the front with the numbers 1 and 32 on it.
He sat down and held the hat in his hands, looking it over like it was a special treasure. But his face was sad. His eyes fluttered like he was having a hard time staying awake, and he kept mumbling.
"I'm sorry buddy. I shouldn't have left you."
He set the hat top down on the table before coming back over to me and lying down with me in his arms. He stayed there staring at the hat. As if he were waiting for a rabbit to pop out of it.
As much as I hated Jacob, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. There was no doubt that he wasn't right, but he wasn't like this for no reason. Something happened to make him so……….odd.
What did he mean by war?
He wasn't in a war was he? It was just a figure of speech right?
I remembered back to one day when a father came into the store with his daughter. He was wearing a green uniform with tan boots. It was the first time I ever saw a soldier. He looked so strong and confidant and dependable.
But Jacob was the exact opposite.
I didn't think there was any way that he could be the same as that girl's father.
Those pills his mom mentioned, they must be what that rattling is when he's in the bathroom.
I learned about pills from one of the ladies that worked at the Build a Bear. One of the ladies had sprained an ankle while on a charity run. She said that she needed to take something called lower tabs for the pain.
I wondered then, "What kind of pain is Jacob in?"
A week passed, and my attitude towards Jacob didn't change much at all.
I felt sorry for him and whatever was bothering him so much. But I still didn't like him.
He would sit on the couch with his bare feet on the table. He would scratch his stomach. He would burp and itch his long wavy hair, shedding strands of hair on me and the couch.
What I really hated was how he bit his nails before picking me up when he was going anywhere.
What confused me was how he almost never left his apartment.
Doesn't he work?
I learned that Jacob got something called "disability". Which meant that he got hurt or something and now he couldn't work.
Perfect!
It was bad enough that I had to live with him, but now I had to spend all day every day with him too.
He didn't sleep well most of the time.
Many nights he would wake up in a cold sweat and start panting like he had run a marathon. He would always go to his bathroom for more pills before coming back to bed.
It was a saturday.
I knew that because he sat on the couch with me while he watched three episodes.
None of which I was in.
Today must have been different.
He got up and got dressed before picking me up and putting me in a black backpack with my head sticking out.
It was really bright outside as he stepped out the door to his building.
He went to some cheep burger place and ordered two burgers to go. He ate one there. I hated watching him eat. Not because he ate like a pig. I just hated to think of food being chewed in his mouth.
After he ate he went for a walk at a park. It was a really nice park. There was a big pond and little fountains that kids were running and playing in. In the distance I could see some people having a barbecue. It looked like a nice family get together.
Jacob walked slowly down the sidewalk, when suddenly a sound of distress caught his attention.
It was a little girl crying.
Jacob was most likely gonna do what I expected he would and walk away.
"Hi, are you ok?" He asked the girl, to my surprise.
"I-I-I can't find my mommy," she said between sobs.
"Would you like to come with me? And we can find your mommy together?"
The little girl nodded, still crying with a red face.
Jacob took off his back pack and pulled me out.
"While we look, do you want to hold onto Sweetie Belle for me?"
Again she nodded, visibly calmer.
A rush of joy came over me as the little cutie held me with her soft little hand.
This is what I wanted. I was so happy I almost started crying.
She was so cute and so sweet the way she held me to her chest while holding Jacobs hand with the other. As we walked Jacob asked her questions like, what her mother looked like, what color shirt she had on, or where she saw her mom last.
Personally I almost wished we would never find her so I could keep being held by the little girl.
Jacob walked her over to the park office, where the little girl lit up when she saw a lady.
"Mommy!" She cheered running to the lady, who looked like her world lit up.
"Oh my god. Becky!" The lady gasped, picking up the girl.
"Don't ever wander off like that again!" The lady scolded, to which the girl nodded.
The mother then turned to Jacob, who looked uncomfortable despite being a hero.
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
Jacob was doing his best to hide behind his long hair as he gave a sheepish smile and extended his hand.
"It's nothing ma'am. Just glad I could help."
The lady took his hand and shook it feverishly.
The little girl handed me back to Jacob, and he took me gently and put me back in his bag.
"Bye bye, Sweetie Belle," the little girl said as she waved at me, and I wanted so badly to wave good bye to her.
"What do you say, Becky?"
"Thank you, big brother," she said in the sweetest little voice.
Jacob left without another word, and I didn't get it.
Why didn't he stay and talk?
He did kinda save that girl, he could have stayed and gotten more praise. But he seemed eager to get away.
"Spare some change sir?"
I looked to the side and saw a homeless man with a long gray beard sitting on the sidewalk with his hand out.
Jacob opened the backpack and took out the second burger he had bought and gave it to the man. To my surprise he also took out his wallet and opened it as well.
"Oh, all I got is a five. Here ya go."
He handed the money to the man.
"Thank you sir. Bless you."
Jacob said nothing. He nodded once to the man and walked off.
He took me out of the bag once we were back in his apartment. I sat on the couch with a confused yet newfound view of Jacob.
Sure he was gross and odd, but he wasn't a bad person.
What threw me off was the way he acted when he did good.
Sometimes people would come into the store and go on about the charity work they did to the ladies who worked there.
"I'm currently working on a project to build schools in Africa," one would brag.
"Well I just attended a banquet for the promotion of feeding the homeless."
So….you ate a banquet for starving homeless people?
To be honest, it got a little annoying.
I felt somber when he went to the bathroom, followed by the rattling.
His hair looked messy when he came back and sat next to me. It was quiet, and this time it didn't feel comfortable.
I wondered what it was about those pills that he liked so much.
Did they make him happy? He sure didn't look happy after taking them.
Wasn't he happy already? I mean, he helped reunite a lost little girl and helped a homeless man eat lunch and possibly even eat dinner later.
I imagined that most people would feel good after doing good things. But Jacob looked like he couldn't have been more miserable.
I hated feeling that way!
I wanted to be mad!
I wanted to hate him!
Why did he have to be a nice person?!
He got up off the couch after a bout of heavy sighs. He pulled a vacuum sealed plastic bag from under the couch and opened it. Inside he pulled out a green uniform, the same kind that the father wore when he came in with his daughter.
My suspicions were correct. Jacob was a soldier person.
Or he use to be.
It still didn't explain why he was so unhappy and dark.
The man in the store looked so confidant and up beat.
He sat there staring at the uniform as the sun went down like he couldn't stop. Suddenly and without warning he grunted angrily and threw the uniform against a wall. He then looked in my direction with a spark of anger and intensity in his eyes. I mentally flinched, terrified that he was gonna turn his anger on me.
I closed my eyes (so to speak) when he picked me up with one hand.
"He's gonna throw me!" I mentally shrieked.
But he didn't.
He whimpered and held me to his chest.
He sat down on the couch and held me tightly to him like I was a life vest. I listened as he cried and sobbed in the growing darkness. My chest felt tight. Like it had been tied in a knot, but I didn't know why.
I felt I had to say something.
"Um….Jacob? It's ok….dont cry."
My words would never reach him. But I thought maybe in some way my emotions would help him feel better.
The next morning Jacob was in the kitchen cooking himself breakfast. He left me on the couch with ponies on the tv.
I was in this episode.
Apparently I was upset at my sister because she made some dresses that upstaged the play I made.
I like watching myself.
I know it sounds vain.
A knock on the door caught both our attention.
"Hey big brother," came a cheery and beautiful sounding voice.
"Hi Katie," Jacob replied.
They came in and shut the door.
The Katie person came over and sat in the chair opposite the couch. And I was surprise at how pretty she was.
"This is Jacob's sister?" I wondered.
She had long brown hair and dark brown eyes. Her skin was a light tan, and she couldn't have been over twenty.
"So what brings you by?" Jacob asked as he continued to cook.
"What brings me by? How about the fact that I haven't heard from you in two months?"
"Ya, well, I've been busy."
That was a lie. I knew it for a fact.
"Doin what, buying more ponies? This ones cute, by the way. When did you get her?" Katie asked pointing at me.
"Yes Katie, buying ponies. And I got her a week ago."
"Whats her name?"
"Sweetie Belle," he answered flatly.
Jacob put the food on two plates and brought them over to Katey.
"Oh, don't think a little breakfast will distract me from the topic at hand."
"I'm sorry, what was it again?"
Katie sighed.
"Your mom called me. You haven't talked to her or me for a while now. What, do I have cooties or something?"
I liked this Katie. She was happy and cheery.
"Look, Kit Cat, I just……don't feel like talking to anyone right now. Nothing personal."
Katie took a long hard look at Jacob.
She put down her fork and got up to sit next to him.
"Hey, I know that you're dealing with some heavy stuff. I dealt with the same thing after what happened with my step dad."
She put her hand on his shoulder, but Jacob only looked down at his plate.
"But ya can't just sit here and rot your life away."
Jacob looked like he was doing his best to not break down.
"You're a hero to this country. But your living like your in a state of self banishment."
A moment of silence came on.
"Ok…I will try harder."
Despite what he said, he didn't sound serious.
"Oh, my girlfriend Amber has been asking about you."
"I, uh……I don't know Katie. I don't think I wanna go through with that yet."
Katie got up and got on her knees in front of where Jacob sat.
Pleeeeeeeese!" She begged in a whiny tone.
Jacob looked at her with a twisted face like he was conflicted.
Katie then picked me up and held me close.
"Sweetie Belle wants you to go on a date, don't you Sweetie?"
She held me under her mouth.
"Please Jacob. I hate seeing you shooooo shad," she said in a mock tone.
"I do not sound like that!"
Jacob gently took me from his sister and held me close.
"Alright, I'll go out with her. For you Sweetie."
The sound of him saying my name made me recoil a bit. Especially when he said it like that.
But in a way I was happy for him.
Jacob had a decent home, a nice mom, and a sister who obviously cared for his wellbeing.
But Jacob was lonely.
If going out with this girl would make him less weird and mopey, then that might be good for me too.
The next day was his date, and I must say he cleans up pretty good.
He wore a white collar dress shirt and black slacks. He cleaned his hair and styled it back in a pony tail that looked good with his shaven face. He even smelt better.
To be honest he never smelt "bad". I just didn't care for his scent.
He was in the bathroom for a while, but I never heard the sound of rattling, which made me feel happy for some reason.
Nervously but swiftly he moved to the door, but paused before leaving.
He looked back at me.
His eyes were a mix of excitement and worry. Like something was weighing him down.
I had no idea why he was looking at me, but for the first time since he brought me to his home I didn't dislike it.
With a small smile he turned and left.
"Good luck, Jacob," I whispered to him.
It was the first time since getting there that I didn't have Jacob around.
Now I don't want to say I missed him.
But the darkness and silence was sorta lonely.
It must have been only an hour later when I heard the door open and shut quietly.
"Wow, dates sure don't last long," I thought to myself.
Jacob moved quietly through the dark living room. I was eager to see how happy the date had made him, but he just moved right past and into the bathroom.
It was an uncomfortable silence as I waited for him to emerge and turn a light on. He didn't come out for almost ten minutes, and I felt those knots in my chest again.
Finally he came out and slowly walked into the kitchen where he opened the refrigerator and pulled out a big bottle.
The overhead light came on abruptly, but by the time my eyes adjusted he was already sitting next to me. He had placed the bottle on the table and I read the word on the label.
"Vodka," it said.
The contents were as clear as water, but I knew it wasn't water.
Next to it was something I had heard but not yet seen.
It was a short orange bottle with a bunch of little round white things inside it. This ones label was written with words that I didn't understand.
But the biggest word read "Oxycotton".
It was a funny word, but soon I put it together.
"Those must be his pills," I gasped to myself.
I finally looked up at Jacob, but he wasn't the same Jacob that left earlier.
His face was pale, and his eyes were dark and blood shot. Almost like he had been crying a lot.
A ring came from his pocket.
Jacob reached in and pulled out his phone to answer it.
"Hello, Jacob, are you there?"
I recognized the voice as belonging to Katie.
"Yeah….I'm here."
His voice was lower, more hollow. Like something inside had broken.
"I heard what happened. Believe me when I say that I am not friends with her anymore."
Katy's voice sounded sad and concerned, and I wondered if something bad had happened.
"Don't worry about it."
"No I am worried about it. Are you ok?"
Jacob sniffed once.
"No…….I'm not."
"Jacob, stay there, I'm gonna come over."
"Don't bother……I won't be here."
Without waiting for a reply he hung up and set the phone to the side.
He sat there motionless, his body giving off a feeling of lost hope.
He reached out and picked up the pill bottle, opening it and pouring about ten pills into his hand.
I was confused, but I felt completely terrified at what I was seeing.
If one pill made him dizzy and wonky. Then what was a handful of them going to do?
My mind was going so fast I thought it was gonna burst. I kept looking from him to the pills in his hand and back.
"N-no…don't take those….thats too many….Jacob?"
He continued to stare at the pills.
He then took a deep breath.
"Halfway down the trail to Hell,
In a shady meadow green
Are the Souls of all dead troopers camped,
Near a good old-time canteen.
And this eternal resting place
Is known as Fiddlers' Green.
Marching past, straight through to Hell
The Infantry are seen.
Accompanied by the Engineers,
Artillery and Marines,
For none but the shades of Cavalrymen
Dismount at Fiddlers' Green.
Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene.
No trooper ever gets to Hell
Ere he's emptied his canteen.
And so rides back to drink again
With friends at Fiddlers' Green.
And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a saber keen,
Or in a roaring charge of fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean,
And the hostiles come to get your scalp,
Just empty your canteen,
And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddlers' Green."
What was he talking about?
Whatever it was it couldn't have meant anything good.
He opened his mouth to swallow the pills.
"NO JACOB…DONT!"
Suddenly he stopped.
He looked right at me.
Oh my gosh. Did he hear me?!
He looked back at the pills, and with a sniff signifying the overflow of emotions, he let the pills fall through his fingers to clatter on the table.
Grabbing me and clutching me close, he laid down on his back and cried.
I was so shocked and relieved that I didn't notice that I was crying too.
Internally of course.
I couldn't deny my feeling any longer at that point.
I was happy that he was ok.
I was so happy he didn't do it.
Like a tidal wave of self realization, my eyes were open. I had been acting like a fool. All I had done since he bought me was complain and wish I was elsewhere. Thinking that I was the most miserable being on the planet, when Jacob was suffering worse than me. Even with my own imperfection he chose me over every other Sweetie Belle. And I realized that I couldn't see myself with anyone else, little girl or otherwise.
I wanted to be with him. Even with his imperfections, numerous though they may be.
We were perfect for each other.
He held me to him, and for the first time I felt how nice and warm he was.
"Jacob? I'm sorry for having such mean thoughts about you. I never even thanked you for choosing me. I'm not perfect, but if you'll have me, I'd like to be your friend from now on."
He said nothing, but I knew he had already made his choice.
A couple weeks latter you wouldn't think he was the same person. He still had trouble sleeping at night, but he didn't go to the bathroom for pills ever again. His toilet saw to their disposal.
Jacob looked tired, but healthier and happier.
"Yes mom, I'm fine," he said to his mom over the phone while he looked for his keys.
"Ya…..uh huh…. I'm on my way to see the V.A. counselor right now."
I would have told him his keys were right next to me.
But, you know, the whole talking thing.
"Ok…Ya, I'll tell you how it went later….Love you too mom….Bye."
He hung up and found his keys next to me.
He was smiling.
I like that.
He was about to go out the door when he stopped and looked back at me.
It may not have shown, but I was blushing.
He came over and picked me up.
He chuckled to himself as he gave me a nice warm hug before setting me down on a shelf next to the door so he could see me when he got home.
I would be waiting for him.
Always.
I watched as he left, feeling a little melancholy that he was leaving.
And so, here I sit. Happy and loved.
Upon this shelf.