> The Man With Two Names
>  by Tarot Card
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> The Guest Speaker (Cheerilee)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Er, is that the—" Applejack hummed and hawed, her green eyes growing wide. 

"Yes, I thought the class would be interested in a guest speaker," I said. 

"Is it… supposed ta be in the—"

"Yes," I said hastily. Having the exact same conversation with every single pony who was walking their foal to school was wearing my patience thin. I forced a smile.

"Bye Applejack! Ah’ll see ya later to—" Apple Bloom said, making a start for the classroom. She was blocked by her sister’s hoof.

"Hold up, sugarcube," Applejack said. "Cheerilee, ah don’t know if you lost yer marbles or something, but that’s a bona fide wild human you got in there. You’ve seen what it does when it’s hungry! Ah don’t know if Ah want little Apple Bloom anywhere near that thing." She drew her little sister close for emphasis, to which Apple Bloom protested.

"Applejack, Mr. Jeremiah is perfectly well behaved, and perfectly harmless. Go see for yourself," I said. Applejack poked her head around the door frame. The human looked up from the book it was reading to find her staring gaze. After a moment of unbroken eye contact, the human smiled gingerly, and gave a friendly wave of his good arm.

"Oh, uh, howdy there!" Applejack chuckled nervously, before ducking back outside and turning to me. She narrowed her eyes doubtfully. “Ah don’t know, it might be rabid.”

Oh dear. "I’d never put any of my students in a dangerous situation. He’s nothing like what ponies have been saying. Aside from that one incident, he hasn’t harmed a fly. Don’t you trust me AJ?” 

She paused for a moment. “Okay Cheerilee,” she said. “Applebloom, you go on ahead in. If that thing starts eating your friends, just remember what Ah taught you ‘bout buckin’ apple trees.” She gave Apple Bloom a tight squeeze, and with that, she headed back towards her farm.

“Something wrong?” Mr. Jeremiah asked as I walked into the classroom.

“Oh nothing, just another paranoid parent, convinced that you're going to make us into pony stew,” I sighed.

He patted my shoulder reassuringly. “Hey, that’s why I’m here, right?” He said. I heard a colt gasp. “Wait. That came out wrong! I mean I’m here to prove I’m not going to eat you! I —”

I shoved my hoof over his mouth before he could say anything worse. "Next time, think the words before you say them," I said under my breath. He scowled. I dropped my hoof and turned to face the students. "Today class, we have a very special visitor—"

"Is it the human?" Snails asked.

"Well, yes, but he prefers to be called by his name, isn't that right Mr. Jeremiah?"

The odd, fully clothed creature sitting in one of the desks looked up at me. He was wearing pants, and an unzipped hoodie. Something about his terrible posture reminded me of Lyra, though I couldn't quite put my hoof on it. He scratched the short bristly fur that enveloped the lower half of his face.

“Actually Ms. Cheerilee, my last name is Walker. So you would call me ‘Mr. Walker’ if you were inclined to be formal,” he said politely.

This time, the orange filly Pegasus raised her hoof. “Why do you have two different names?” Scootaloo spoke without waiting to be called on.

"Well, One’s like a family name, and the other is my given name," Walker said. He was met with confused looks. "Just call me Walker." He sighed, and glanced at me. “So, what do I tell them?” He whispered, curving his hand so that I would be the only one to hear.

“Tell them…” I pondered this for a moment. What would be a good place to start? “Tell them how you came here.”

“That’s certainly something they already know,” He whispered back. It was true. It’s not everyday an alien creature waltzes out of middle of Everfree forest. Okay, maybe that happens pretty often, but still. It was Fluttershy who first saw him. She discovered this bizarre creature in her backyard preparing to cook one of her chickens. Naturally, she launched into attack mode. After one broken arm, and a good amount of confused screaming and apologizing on both sides, Fluttershy brought him to the vet.

Normally, she would have cared for any creature herself, even a carnivorous one. But no predatory animal had ever hurt her chickens before. She only wanted this Minotaur-like beast as far away from Ponyville as possible. However, her natural sympathies compelled her bring the injured monster to a different healer. After she explained the situation to the veterinarian... 

Well...

He had become the talk of the town, to say the least. His stature, his hands, his arm carried in a sling. Even though the hysteria died down fairly quickly, there was no doubt the children of the town were well versed in all the awful stories the grape vine had to offer about this “Jeremiah Walker”. No doubt that they've seen him around town, taking advantage of his peculiar appendages to make a few bits assisting a repair pony. The parents had taken to shepherding their young away from the creature whenever he was out in public.

Derpy was the kind, foolhardy soul, that with equal parts hospitality and reckless abandon, opened her home to the human. It was she that convinced me to commission him as a guest speaker for the class. We were hoping this visit could quell some of the fear that the residents of Ponyville had instilled in their children.

"How would you feel about answering a few questions? I’m sure they would benefit from dispelling some of the worse rumors." Certainly the young ponies would be curious about the primate’s way of living. 

“I’m up for anything. Heck, answering questions? There are far worse ways to make a few bucks.” I gave him a puzzled look. “Er, bits,” he amended. This human was strange. I’ve heard him call bits ‘dollars’ before. They must be some sort of currency from where’s he’s from. With two names. 

I resolved to ponder this matter later, and turned to the class. "All right fillies and colts! We’re going to have Mr. Walker answer any questions you might have, about him, or humans in general." Walker smiled sheepishly as I spoke.

“I h-heard that you ate one of Fluttershy’s chickens. Is it true? Y-you, eat chickens? You eat animals?” A frightened Sweetie Belle asked. Scootaloo gulped loudly, and shifted in her seat.

“Well, not anymore,” Walker grumbled, looking at his arm in a sling.

“Um, Mr. Walker Sir?” a timid voice asked. “Do you eat ponies?” 

“No, of course not. Never have, never will. Just bread, carrots and peanut butter these days. And muffins, lots and lots of muffins.” He said, with just a hint of glumness. With this, a few foals breathed a sigh of relief. My heart went out to him. There are only so many flavors of muffins that Sugarcube Corner has to offer. "Basically whatever my landlady—" 

"You mean landmare," I interrupted. I made a mental note that he was beginning to catch on to the proper names of things now, at least a little bit.

He nodded, and continued. “Landmare buys. I tend to spook some of the… sales ponies whenever I shop, so she just factors the food into the rent.”  

“What about cows? Did you ever eat a cow?” The voice asked again. 

”Well—”

"Okay!" I butted in before the human could put his own hoof in his mouth again. It was imperative that he does not shock the students. "Any questions that aren’t about his diet?"

The room was silent. Sweetie Belle rubbed her hoof against her chin as she thought. Then her eyes lit up. She waved her hoof frantically in the air. “Mr. Walker, what does your name mean? What’s a Jeremiah? And I know what a walker is. Does that mean you made walkers at home?”

Another hoof shot up. “Does that mean your cutie mark is a walker?”

“Maybe his special talent is walking, with, like, two legs.” 

“You said your family name was Walker. Does your whole family walk really well?” a fourth interjected. 

The human pinched his brow. “This is gonna be a long day,” he muttered.





At the break for lunch, Walker looked absolutely worn out. As the foals left the classroom with their lunches in their mouths, his head flopped down onto the desk he was sitting in. I felt a pang of sympathy for him. Though I loved them to bits, my students were always a hoofull. They were always more energetic and unruly whenever the typical schedule was altered. The class would have any other mare banging her head against the chalkboard.

“Hey, I still have you for two more hours,” I gently chided. “And I need you up and alert. Well, not right now actually. Do you have something to eat?” Walker didn’t look up.

“Frrr the last time, I don’t eat ponies,” he said, his voice muffled by his arms. 

I rolled my eyes, and stomped my hoof on the floor, startling him awake. “If you didn’t bring anything, you’re more than welcome to some of my lunch,” I said, as I pulled out a drawer and withdrew a brown paper bag. I always packed enough to share. Some little foals were prone to forgetting their lunches, and I’d never dream of letting one of my students go hungry, even for one meal. Besides, this precaution was more for my benefit.  Before I started packing two lunches, I would usually end up giving my own away. Just the mere thought of those missed meals sent my stomach grumbling.

The human blinked a few times before answering. “Oh, no thanks. Derpy packed me something this morning,” He picked up his rucksack, and walked out of the classroom. I followed him out and laid down in my usual spot, beneath the tree adjacent to the playground. I looked at Jeremiah, who seemed a tad lost, not knowing where to sit. I put down my lunch, and invited him to take a seat. He joined me under the shade of the oak, and pulled a sandwich out. Carefully, he opened it up, and pulled out the daffodils. My mouth watered at the sight of them. Dear Celestia, I was hungry.

"God bless that mare, goes out of her way to make me lunch, and I can’t even eat half of it." As Walker took a large chomp out as the sandwich, he looked up, and was greeted by the sight of Apple Bloom.

“Um, excuse me sir,” she said, sheepishly scraping the ground with her hoof. She had the same southern twang in her voice as her sister. “Ah don’t mean to bother you much about what things you do and don’t eat, but Big Mac says ya could help on on the farm, but my sister says that you’re dangerous cuz you eat other animals, and you might eat my friends. She says Ah shouldn’t even get close to you. And ah wanna know…“ At this point I stopped listening. I had only fifteen minutes to enjoy a meal, and the dandelions in my bag weren’t getting any fresher. But I was saving those for last. Instead, I opted for the apple. As I polished that off, my hunger ebbed, and my focus drifted back into the conversation.

“Well, I’m an omnivore,” Walker explained.

“Ohhh…” Apple Bloom said knowingly. She turned to me. “Ms. Cheerilee, what’s an omnivore?”

“It means he eats all kinds of things,” I said between bites of dandelion.

Apple Bloom’s brow furrowed in contemplation, the way it always does when something was on the tip of her tongue. Oh! just like Spike!” she exclaimed. I smiled warmly. The little lessons like this remind why I became a teacher in the first place. 

“Now, Ms...” Walker began, looking expectantly at her.

“Apple Bloom!” she said, nearly jumping. She really was excited to talk to this human, wasn’t she?

“Now Ms. Apple Bloom, I have a question for you, if you don’t mind. How come you don’t have your mark?” he said.

“Well, ah…ah didn’t get it yet,” she said. Her ears drooped, along with her bow. 

“But every single pony I’ve seen so far has one. Why not you?” My jaw dropped. Oh Celestia, please tell me he didn’t just ask that. 

“But Ah’m tryin’ Really hard to earn it,” She said indignantly. “An’ so is Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. We just haven’t found our special talent yet!”

"So…that means you aren’t born with your marks?"  I wondered what feather brained pony gave him that idea. 

"A pony gets their cutie mark whenever they discover their talent," I interjected. I leaned in and whispered to him. “Don’t you have manners? She’s one of the last ones in her class to get one." Apple Bloom’s obsession with obtaining a cutie mark was bad enough. She didn’t need some alien creature singling her out, unwittingly playing her insecurities.

The new information took a moment to register in his mind. “How the hell was I supposed to know that?” He whispered harshly. “Warn me next time,” He turned back to Apple Bloom, charming as ever. “Sorry Ms. Apple Bloom if I offended you; I don’t know much about what I’m supposed to say or not,“ He said. Well that much is clear, I thought. The formality of his address put a grin back on her face, evidently gleeful of being referred to by an adult title. Any trace of grievance was wiped away. Not bad Walker, not bad. It seemed like he was more than capable of yanking the hoof out of his mouth with his overly formal mannerisms. Satisfied with his eloquence, and Apple Bloom’s renewed good humor, he took another chomp out of his sandwich. I wanted to smack that smile off his face.

“That’s okay mister! Ah just got one more question. Spike’s an omnivore, but Spike doesn’t eat chickens. And you eat animals. But ah bet you only eat certain kinds of animals?” 

Oh Apple Bloom, why do you have to be the inquisitive student all the time? Thank Celestia that Walker had his mouth stuffed with carrot and peanut butter sandwich. I answered before Walker had a chance, claiming that humans only ever ate certain birds, nudging my hoof against his rib. He seemed to take the hint, and nodded in confirmation.

Apple Bloom rushed back to tell the rest of the class. The earth ponies and the unicorns seemed mollified by this new morsel of information; the lone, orange Pegasus considerably less so.  

I let out a sigh of relief, disaster once again averted. We both watched the news spread across the playground as we ate. 

"You know, I don’t enjoy lying to these kids," he said haughtily. 

"Two things. First off, as far as I’m concerned, what I said is the truth. Don’t try to contradict me; my stomach’s full of lunch, and I plan to keep it that way. Second, if ponies even for a moment, believe that you might eat something that talks, then you can expect them to chase you out of this town with torches and pitchforks. It’s one thing to be a carnivorous animal. It’s another to be a carnivorous animal that breaks into ponies’ homes, and tries to eat their pets."

He made no reply. We sat there in tense silence for another moment before he spoke up again. "Cheerilee?"

"Yes?" I braced myself for whatever nonsense he might spew next.

"If ponies aren’t born with marks, how come their name is always matches it?"

Suddenly, his previous inference didn’t seem so far-fetched. “Well, take Apple Bloom. Her whole family has been apple farmers for generations. They assume that her talent is going to be something with apples, so the name fits. That’s what most parents do. They name their child after their own profession, and hope the child follows in their hoofsteps, and stays with the family.” 

“What happens if they get a different talent then the rest of the family?” 

What happens? I fought back unsavory memories, of my family, of the cherry farm we worked, nestled in the Appleloosan frontier. 

No use.

There I was again, showing my smiling flower cutie mark off to my eldest sister Blackcherry, and dad.

"So how’d you get it?" she asked, her blue eyes beaming with pride. It was the first good thing to happen since Mom had started growing ill five months ago. "And what’s it mean?"

“I got it when I showed Blossom how the water pump works! My special talent’s gotta be teaching ponies! Dad, I’m gonna be a teacher!” I practically shouted, unable to contain my excitement. I was grinning uncontrollably, the first time in a long while. I spun in a circle as I tried to get a better view of my flank. The ridiculous manestyle I had copied from the magazines in the general store only served to obscure my view of it.

My dad looked like he’d been dunked in ice water. After a murmur in each other’s ears, my dad and Blackcherry excused themselves, and went over to the next room. They began talking in harsh whispers.  “She’s gonna end up moving away. The nearest place that even has a school is all the way in Ponyville. That’s at least  60 miles away!” I heard my dad say. “What are we gonna do? If it was just gardening, then she could stay here! Why couldn’t have it been that?”

"Maybe she can set up a school here. Maybe she doesn’t even need to move," Blackcherry said, hoping against hope she was right. The smile slipped from my face.

“There isn’t any way she could ever do that. Nowhere near enough ponies to justify a school house around here...” my dad said, his voice faltering. “Why is it so buckin' hard to just to keep a stallion’s family together?” His voice grew into a violent, impotent rage. I heard something shatter.

“Dad?” I asked, my voice cracking. I nudged the door open, and looked down at the floor. It was littered with shards of the mirror that just moments before hung on the wall. Through the broken reflection, I saw tears welling up in his brown eyes.

"I’m going out," he murmured, and walked towards the door, avoiding our gazes. Glass crunched beneath his hooves.

"Where?"

"Store." His voice was nearly inaudible. "We need a new mirror."  The door slammed shut.


"What’s up Frizzy-mane?” my sister said. She faked a smile, a facade that fooled no one. “We’re just discussing your cutie mark."

"Why’s dad so upset then?" I felt myself on the verge of tears.

"It’s been hard on him since Mom died." Her smile dropped off into a troubled countenance. “He’s just worried that you won’t be able to stay with us. But we’ll figure out something. Right?" She drew me into a hug.

“Ms. Cheerilee?”

I snapped back to reality.

“The wrong cutie mark can be a wedge that splits you from your family. Usually they end up moving away, changing their names.” I said, avoiding his gaze.

"Are you okay? Did I say something rude again?” Walker asked. 

“Yeah, and no.” I ached to see my family again. He looked at me, probing my emotions. 

“Did that happen to you?” He asked tentatively. I wasn’t particularly keen on discussing my personal life with an alien today. Come on Cheerilee, shift the focus. Think...

Got it!

I immediately put on a cheerier face. 

“Actually Walker, no; I was thinking of somepony else. I’ve take it you’ve met Pinkie Pie?”

“Yes I have.”

“Well she was from a family of rock farmers, and when she got her balloon cutie mark, she ended up leaving them behind and coming to Ponyville.” the moment I said “rock farming” I could have sworn I heard his brain blow a gasket. “Come to think of it, Derpy changed her name shortly after coming to Ponyville. She used to go by Ditzy Doo.” This fact left him contemplating. 

Within minutes, it was time to return back to the classroom. I figured that Walker could benefit from a little bit of Equestrian history. I had him sit back in a desk at the edge of the class. A few of the foals adjacent to walker scooted desks a healthy distance away from him. 

I hadn’t realized before how ill-fitting the desk was for a human. It seemed comically disproportionate, almost.  Nevertheless, he remained moderately engaged in the day’s lesson, asking a few questions about who somepony was or what they did. More than I can say for Snails; at the end of the lecture, he woke up with a piece of paper stuck to his face, much to the amusement of his classmates.

“All right fillies and gentlecolts! That’s it for class today. Homework is to write a report on the human. The school paper is meeting today!” I said. The students adjourned to the playground once more, to wait for their escorts home. I walked over to my desk, and pulled out a little satchel of bits. I bit the drawstring, and brought it to Walker. 

“Fifteen bits? Not too shabby,” he said, counting the coins. He looked up at me earnestly. “So, how’d you think it went? Do they think I’m not a killer anymore? ”

“Well...could have been worse. They won’t be chasing you out of town anytime soon,” I chuckled.

“Oh...yeah,” He stared at the ground dejectedly. I realized that things weren’t looking so bright for him right now. Not only an outsider thrust into a new world, but feared and avoided by most of the community.

“Hey, you’re doing all right,” I said softly. “I know it looks bad now, but if you keep on doing what you can, they’ll come around,”

“Let’s hope.”

“There he is, Big Mac!” I heard Applebloom’s voice. She ran into the classroom. “Mr. Walker! Ma brother wants to talk ta ya! He wants to know if yah can help us with harvesting,”

As she spoke, Big Macintosh walked in. Walker stood up to greet him. 

“Hello, I’m Jeremiah,” he said, sticking out his good hand. 

“Ahm Big Mac,” Hoof and hand met in a shake. even as large as Big Mac was, he still had to look up at Walker. “Applebloom’s told me about you, and ah reckon we could use yer help, in exchange for a few bits.”

“What exactly would I be helping with?”

“Well, there’s all these birds that always eat the crop, and we can never keep em away, they’re just not afraid of the scarecrows we make. and so ah thought to mah self, ‘what would scare a bird?’ And so I thought of what eats birds, and then that’s when ah realized you’d be perfect for the job!” Applebloom talked so quickly, I could barely understand her.

“So, you want me to be a scarecrow?” 

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said. 

As they continued discussing the work they had in mind, I went to my desk; In the right corner, was a framed picture of me and my family, Mom, Dad, Me in the middle, and Blackcherry and Blossom on either side. mom had her pastry cutie mark, and my dad’s two-cherries mark, the same one as Blackcherry’s. Blossom and I the only blank flanks. The odd ones out. 


I sighed heavily. 

I had a letter to write.




Dear Blackcherry,

I know it’s been a long time since I've talked to you. I haven’t been the most attentive pony since I left. How is dad? last time I saw him, he wouldn’t even look at me. Is he still mad at me for leaving? Well besides that, how are things at Black Horse Farms?  Blossom must’ve gotten her cutie mark by now. I’ll bet its a tree. She was really good at bucking, even as a little filly. I was thinking of taking a month or so off, and just visiting you all. I’d like to spend some time with you again, and dad, and Blossom.  I feel like its time that I act like I'm part of this family again.

Love, your dearest sister,
Cherryseed.


> The Tenant (Derpy)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I put the last letter of the day into the mailbox. For the past three weeks, I had been working overnight shifts, as well as the afternoon shift. The payments on my house just kept on going up and up. I was scrambling just to keep the bill collectors at bay. And boy, it was taking a toll on me. My vision was worse than it usually was. My eyes were looking everywhere, and it was really hard to see where I was going. I already had crashed three times that day. My boss told me I'm only allowed to do that twice in one day before I get in trouble. I hope he didn’t find out about that.

Anyways, all I had to do was fly back to the post office, and punch the clock. I started to fly off, but I hit a street-sign I didn’t see, and I tumbled back to the ground.

“Derpy!” I heard a stallion call. Oh Celestia! Please don’t be the boss! Please don’t be the boss! I quickly got up, and brushed off the dust on my coat. I saw a dark brown stallion, in a white lab coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. His mane and tail were a tangled mass of bushy orange. “I need to call on you for a favor,” he said. Not my boss at all. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was only the vet.

“Oh, Dr. Horse.  You scared me there. What can I do you for?”

He paused, biting his lip. “...How would you feel about letting a, um, potentially dangerous creature stay in your yard for a few nights?”

“Hrrrmm... What kind of potentially dangerous creature?”

“That kind.” Dr. horse pointed his hoof at some lanky, minotaur thing, sitting on the ground some distance away. He had blood all over his shirt which bore the words “Life is Good”, and his arm in a sling. His hair was ruffled and greasy, with a few bits of leaves in it, and there was this thin fuzz grew on his face. He looked like he really needed a bath.

“What is he?” I said. 

“Some kind of carnivorous monkey, but he calls himself a ‘human’. Oh by the way, he talks.”

“He doesn’t look very healthy.” I held back a yawn.

“After what happened I wouldn’t expect him to be. He woke up in Everfree forest, and had no idea how to get back to his home. Then he broke into Fluttershy’s house and killed one of her chickens...” 

“Why would I want to let it anywhere near my home?” I asked in horror.

“Look at the poor thing! I was going to release him in the forest, but he begged me to let him stay in town; the little guy must be afraid  that his own pack might kill him in his injured state. Come on, what do you say? Just until he gets a teensy bit better? He can’t hurt anything until his arm heals anyways, so you’ll be fine!”

“Why doesn’t he stay at your house?”

“A wild animal? In my own living quarters?” Dr. Horse burst out laughing. “Hahaha,... my home is only open to ponies and domesticated animals.”

“What about mules?” 

“Eh...if I had to...” He grumbled something under his breath I couldn’t hear. “Anyways, I send all other animals to Fluttershy, from the wild to the carnivorous. In light of certain circumstances, I don’t think that’s a feasible option. So will you do it? For the creature that has nopony else to turn to?”

“You can find somepony else to house your blood thirsty monster,” I turned away. He made it sound really dangerous.

“I’ll give you twenty bits for every day you keep him. Plus enough to cover any damage he causes.” I stopped in my tracks. That was more money than I got for doing overnight. I could actually take the night off! A whole night’s sleep. All I wanted to do was just plop down on a cloud and take a nap. “I know you’ve come on hard times Derpy, and I'm hoping this could help us both.”

“You said he talks?”

“Indeed he does, would you like to meet him?” Dr. Horse lead me to him.  He seemed tired and ill at ease, but put on a weary smile when I approached.

“Um, hi?” I said.

“Hello, I'm Jeremiah, just call me Jerry though. What’s your name?”

“I'm Derpy Hooves.” He extended his good arm. I reluctantly met it with my hoof and we shook. He looked at my eyes curiously for a moment.

“Derpy, eh? Sorry, I'm still getting used to the whole speaking with horses thing. Ponies are less talkative where I'm from.” Dr. Horse and I looked at each other, a little bit confused.

“I heard you don’t have a place to stay.”

“It’s shaping up to look that way, isn’t it?” He let out an exasperated sigh. He rubbed the arm in his sling gingerly. No sharp teeth, no claws or spines. It didn’t seem like he was dangerous. Especially since he only had one good arm. He didn’t smell that good though. So, I told him that if he wanted, he could stay in my backyard for a couple of days. For twenty bits, it was worth the risk.

"Thank you," he said. “compared to a night in the forest, that sounds divine.” He seemed really grateful. I guess he saw a few of the manticores there.  Dr. Horse was happy too.

“Excellent! Derpy, I’ll be there with money tomorrow, and if he tries to eat you, use this.” He hoofed me a little black canister. I asked him what it was, and he replied, “Pepper spray! Just take of the cap, and bite the bit that pops out. Just be sure to aim for his eyes,”

“I'm right here, you know,” Jerry muttered.

“Pepper spray?” I asked. I’ve never heard of it before. “That sounds...malicious.”

“You’re horribly right, Derpy, you’re horribly right,” Dr. Horse nodded slowly. “Only use it in a dire emergency. An animal won’t trust you anymore once you spray it.” He trotted off. “Call me if you need anything!”

“Okay, I guess we should start going, But I need to stop by the post office first.” I said finally. With a grunt, Jerry hefted himself off the ground. I gasped, and backed up. He was a lot taller than I thought. The tip of my nose was only a few inches above his elbow.

“Something the matter, Miss?”

“You’re very tall. And scary,” I sputtered.

He sighed. “I’ve been getting that a lot recently.”

I started to wonder if letting him stay at my house was the best idea. But we started walking to the post office anyways.

Reluctantly, I tried to start a conversation. I asked him how he got lost in the woods, and he said he doesn’t really know he ended up here, but he’s been in the forest without food or anything for three days. He was grumpy about that.

“So, you haven’t eaten in all this time?”

“Aside from a couple of berries, no.”

“I thought there were a lot of things in the Everfree Forest you could eat.”

“You see, the problem with that is everything I tried to eat also tried to eat me.”

“What kind of plant tries to eat an animal? That place is full of weird stuff.”

“Er, yeah... plants.”

I kind of wanted to ask him about why he broke into Fluttershy’s house, but I think it was because he was really hungry, and didn’t know where else to get food. 

We reached the post office, and I dropped off my bag. Gleefully I told my boss I wouldn’t be working overtime tonight. He asked me what Jerry was, so I told him the whole story. His eyes got really big, and said I should watch out for him. 

We continued on our way. I noticed a lot of ponies were looking at him, but they didn’t get close. They were all whispering. 

“So, when are you going to back to your home?” I asked.

“I don’t know, Dr. Horse said that someone named ‘Twilight’ was going to find a way to get me back.”

“Don’t worry! Twilight’s really smart! She’s really good at magic too.” He seemed pretty confused about magic, and asked me how it worked.  But I couldn’t explain it very well, because I wasn’t a unicorn. 

We got to my house, and he asked if I had a shower, and if I did, could he use it. I told him where it was, even though I was a little hesitant to let him be on the inside of the house. 

Dinky got home, and I had to tell her all about Jerry, and how she needed to stay far away from him in case he went crazy again. He came out of the bathroom whistling, and looked better. He was cleaner, and a lot less grumpy.  I think he even washed his clothes. 

“So, what do you eat? You never told me when I asked.” I said. I was a little stunned at the transformation.

“I can have whatever you’re eating,” He said with a smile. The bath had seemed to cheer him up. 

“Dinky and I were going to have hay sandwiches for dinner.” 

He grimaced. “Okay, maybe not that.”

“Hrmm....” I rummaged around the cabinets.

Nothing. 

I bit my lip. I checked the freezer. The only thing in there was my emergency stash of baked goods. “You like muffins?”

Good thing he did like them so much, otherwise I don’t know what I would have done. After we ate, he insisted on washing the dishes for us, despite his broken arm.  He said that it was the least he could do for the ponies that gave him a meal and a safe place to stay. And the whole time, he was just whistling, and saying how glad he is to just have a roof over his head. He’s really polite and friendly once you get to know him! Dinky was asking me for help on her homework, except it was all about physics. All about boxes, and pulleys and ramps, and I didn’t know anything about that. Jerry did, though. He explained what she had to do, and she finished her homework in a little less than an hour. Can you believe it? Apparently he knows all about that kind of stuff.

It was getting dark, and I brought out a sleeping bag onto the lawn for Jerry. He laid on top of it, and kept thanking me for all that I had done. I realized that he wasn’t a wild animal. Just a lost, hurt one. Maybe not even an animal at all. 

“We have a guest room, and you’re more than welcome to it for the night,” I said finally.

He smiled. “That would be lovely.”


~		~		~


“And that’s how Jerry and I became roommates!” I said. I looked around my sparsely furnished kitchen. Twilight told me I must have had a “spartan aesthetic” in mind when designing the kitchen. The truth was that the less stuff there was, the less I bumped into and tripped over. Aside from the counter, sink, and fridge, there was only a round table with Twilight’s clipboard, and a set of tea things on top of it. And of course, the chairs we sat in.  

”Okay, that’s very interesting, but what I asked was how long the human has been living in your home,” Twilight Sparkle said. She levitated the teacup to her lips.

“Oh, right. Um, let’s see. He’s been paying rent for the past three weeks, and before that, Dr. Horse was paying me, and that was for two weeks.”

“So five weeks?”  

“Derpy, are you home?” I heard Jerry call out.

“Oh, that’s him!” I said to Twilight. I flew to the front door to greet him, nearly knocking a picture frame off the the wall as i passed by. He was putting his rucksack off to the corner. “So, how’d it go with Cheerilee’s class?”.

“Not bad, not great. I got a job offer though, working at an orchard,” he said, pleased with himself. 

“Awesome! So, did you get a chance to eat the lunch?”

“I did. It was excellent. Though next time you don’t need to put flowers in the sandwich. I can’t really eat those,” he chuckled softly. 

“You didn’t like them?” I said with a frown.

“No no no! Not that! It’s just that humans can’t eat flowers,” 

“Hrmm...” I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. I was definitely forgetting something, but what? 

“Derpy? you okay?” Twilight asked softly, popping her head around the corner. Oh yeah!

“Jerry, Twilight’s here to talk to you about... allo- allocation? Incantation? Fascination? No that can’t be right,” I couldn’t remember for the life of me. “Well, she wants to talk to you,” 

“Hello Ms. Sparkle, I'm Jeremiah. I take it you’d like to speak to me?”

“Yes, please join us at the table,”We made our way back to the kitchen, and took our seats. “As you may have been aware of, I’ve been in correspondence with the mayor of Ponyville, as well as the princess.”

“Did the princess find a way to send me back?” Jerry’s eyes sparkled with hope.

“No, I’m sorry. Until we know exactly how you got to Equestria, we can’t find a way to send you back. I’ve been asked to find a suitable society for you to acclimate into.” Jerry let out a world-weary sigh.

“What’s wrong with Ponyville? He’s doing just fine!” I protested. “He hasn’t hurt anypony, and he’s adorable, just look at him!” On cue, Jerry tried to look as innocent and cute as possible, pouting and whimpering as best as he could. I patted the top of his head. “See?” Twilight looked thoroughly disturbed by our efforts.

“We believe that Mr. Jeremiah’s presence in Ponyville, er," She struggled to find the right word. "compromises the general safety.”

“And what leads you to this conclusion?” Jerry asked nervously. The faux smile dropped from his face. He drummed his fingers on the table.  

“Well, to be truthful, there isn’t much information regarding humans as a species.” Twilight levitated a heavy tome from out of her saddlebags, and placed it on the table. The words “Obscure Animals in Equestria” adorned the spine. With a flick of her magic,  the book opened up to a picture of some creature, very similar to Jerry. The adjacent page was titled “Humans”. the rest of the page seemed to be blank. I struggled to make my eyes focus in the same direction. I spotted some fine print, which I read aloud. “‘Mostly harmless’?” That’s the whole entry? that couldn’t be right. I turned the page, only to to find a drawing of a Hydra. “This is the only book that mentions humans?” Twilight nodded. 

“Beside this entry, we only have our experiences to act on. And seeing that, we feel you’d best belong among a more carnivorous, more brut...er... less pacifistic... species once you return to full health.” Jeremiah cocked an eyebrow at Twilight, eliciting a nervous chuckle from her. I swallowed a lump in my throat. If the doctor was right, his arm would be completely fixed, and ready for action by next week. “Now, Mr. Jeremiah, if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a few questions to determine who you’d best fit in among,”

“Okay...”

Twilight levitated her clipboard and quill. “Question one: do you fly, and or have sharp talons?” Jerry looked at me, then Twilight, then back again, as if he was expecting me to provide some reason for such a silly question. I just shrugged. 

“Um, I don’t have wings, so... No.” Jerry said sarcastically. 

“Okay, that rules out griffins...” She crossed something out. “Question two: are your appendages suited for digging efficiently?”

“I mean, I can dig pretty fast with a shovel, if that’s what you’re asking.” Twilight frowned. 

“Diamond dogs are a no. Question three; are you resistant to magma and or do you breath fire?”

“Last time I checked, no.” 

This went on for a few minutes. I started nibbling my hoof. I know it’s a bad habit, but I can’t help it when I’m stressed. I wasn’t ready to lose Jerry. He’s been such a help. Eventually, Twilight ran out of names to cross off.  She flipped through her papers one more time, then sighed. “So you don’t have anything?” Jeremiah just shook his head. “Well this is a conundrum. You’re too dangerous to live alongside ponies, but you’re too pathetic to live with anything else.”

“He gets to stay?” I shouted with joy. Jerry looked grumpy again.

“I'm gonna have to talk it over with the mayor. I'm not sure if its a great idea though.”

“But he hasn’t hurt anything for a really long time! Plus, he has a job! Doesn’t that count for anything?” Before we had taken in Jerry, we were darn near drowning in debt. It was those extra bits that was keeping our heads above water. And darn it if I was going to lose my friend and my roommate.

“Actually, I recently secured a temporary employment with the apple family, in addition to helping Lucky out.“ Jerry interjected.

“So you’re employed? That certainly complicates matters.”

An idea zapped through my head like a bolt of lightning. “It’d be best if Jerry stayed in Ponyville. Fixing the job vacuum, and the turnover rate and all... you wouldn’t want to hurt the...economy thing,” I tried to throw in all the words I saw in that newspaper article about how Filthy Rich was helping Ponyville. I didn’t really understand much of it, but it said Ponyville had more jobs than ponies, which was bad. Or was it too many ponies and not enough jobs?

“...What? Well, I'm going to talk to the pony who hired you, and see if they can’t find a replacement. Lucky, I think you said? Until they find a replacement, you’re allowed to stay. Seeing that you’ve only had one incident so far in a month and a half, I don’t think it’s fair to leave both of your employers short-hooved, and needing a new employee on such short notice.” With that, she trotted out, but not before stopping to straighten a picture frame I had not realized was eschew. We watched as the door shut behind her. 

“Well, shit,” he said after a moment. He slumped over in his chair.

“Language, mister!”

“Don’t you see Derpy? There is no way how the Mayor is going to let me stay here. If they can’t find any place for me to belong to, they’re just going to send me back into the wild!” He got up and started pacing. “It’s only a matter of time before Lucky finds a replacement, and then I'm kicked out of Ponyville!” 

I wracked my brain for an idea. “Maybe...maybe, we could get everypony to sign a petition saying they want you to stay right here! And then, we give it to the Mayor, and then she won’t be able to kick you out!” I beamed. It wasn’t often I could make such a great plan.

“The only problem with that is it’s entirely contingent on ponies actually wanting me in their town. And they all hate my guts.”

“That’s not true! I like you, and want you to stay! And so does Dinky, and, and Lucky likes working with you! And the Doctor is ‘indifferent’  to you. He said so himself! That's four right there.”

“Four signatures isn’t enough to fight city hall.” I was about to say something, but my eye had drifted over, giving me a glimpse of the clock.

“Oh Jerry, I gotta go deliver the rest of the mail today.” I put my mailbag over my shoulder, and left. “When Dinky gets back from school, make sure she starts her homework!” I called over my shoulder.

“Will do.”





“You’ll never guess who i ran into today!” I shouted as I threw open the door. 

“Figuratively or literally?”

“No collisions today, Jerry!” I beamed. Four days without an incident.  My boss was pleased, and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. “Did I ever tell you about Iron Will, the really big and scary minotaur who teaches ponies to be assertive?”

“Yeah? What about him?”

“Well, I was in the market, delivering a package to the Cakes, when I saw him! We started talking, and I told him about you...” I grinned.

“And...”

“He said he might be able to help” I couldn’t suppress my grin. Jerry ran up, and hugged me.

“Derpy, thank you! I can get a replacement job with him, and I can help him with his presentations, and—”

“Um... I mentioned that to him, and he said he wasn’t interested in hiring. But then he was all like ‘It sounds like your little human could use this though,’” I did my best Iron Will impression, standing on my hind legs, and flexing my forelegs. I mocked handing Jerry a flyer with my hoof.

“What did he give you?”

I withdrew the pamphlet from my saddlebag and held it out for him. He took it and examined it carefully, dwelling for a moment on the picture of the minotaur timidly greeting a rabbit. He read aloud, “Are you intimidating, and tired of it? Does being big and menacing got you down? Need ponies to stop running for the hills when they see you? Try one of Iron Will’s renowned Meekness Training Seminars! You’ll go from loathsome to lily-livered in ten sessions flat! Or your money back!” 

“Well, on your first day in Ponyville, you were telling me how you needed ponies to stop being afraid of you. Remember? So I signed you up for this!” 

His confused look changed to horror. “Derpy! this isn’t going to help me any! and I don’t know if I feel comfortable with you paying for something this expensive that won’t even be useful.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that! I'm not paying for it. I just factored it into your rent!” Jerry gave an exasperated sigh, and pinched his brow. “Is something wrong?”





“Derpy, good news!” Jerry practically jumped through the doorway, with the biggest smile I’ve seen plastered on his face.“ He unstrung his empty tool belt, and placed it in the closet.

“Someone’s having a good day,” Dinky said. She poured cereal into her bowl, and started munching away.

“You better believe it Dinky! When Twilight went to go talk to Lucky about finding a new employee, he stood up for me! He stood up for me!”

“Thaff’s great!” I said, my mouth full of cranberry muffin.

“He said that I'm irreplaceable, and the best thing he’s ever hired.” He sat down at the table. “All because of this baby!” he held up his good hand. “I’ve got the Midas touch!” He wiggled his fingers for emphasis. 

“Because you have hands?”

“That’s right! They lend themselves to repair work far more than hooves, so he tells me.” His grin grew even wider. “So guess who's got two thumbs, and isn’t getting kicked out of Ponyville?” Dinky and I looked at each other. “This guyyyy,” He jabbed a thumb at his chest, and leaned back, looking victorious. A little too far back; he lost his balance, and flailed about for a moment, until all four legs of the chair were firmly back on the ground.

“What did Twilight say when she heard all of this?” Dinky asked.

“She didn’t hear it. Lucky said he just told her it was gonna take a very, very, long time to find a suitable replacement. The only thing is, Lucky said I have to be registered as a worker, if he’s gonna keep paying me.”

“Oh, that’s easy! all we have to do is go to town hall, and fill out some forms,” I said.

“Bye mom, bye Mr. Walker” Dinky said. She turned right, off towards the middle school in the center of town. 

“Bye sweetie, have a good day!” I called. I turned back to Jerry. “I have a few hours before I have to go to work, we can do that right now.”

“Great! Let’s get me some working papers!”

“Well first we would have to get you registered as a citizen here.”

“What? Then what were those papers you filled out when I first got here?”

“Well, they were kinda… papers that allowed me to keep a carnivorous animal within the confines of the town. ” I grinned sheepishly. 

“So legally, I'm your pet?”

“Well, yes. We should go. If we can make you nice then everypony will love you! Clean up and we’lI go.” Just thinking of all the work I had to do to make everypony like Jerry made my brain hurt. This was going to be a nightmare. I had to keep him away from some of the more… excitable ponies. Rose and Daisy were so dramatic. I’d have to steer clear of the marketplace. Even though he’d been out by the vendors helping Lucky with repair work, that was very early, before the flower ponies even arrived.  

And Pinkie would definitely make a scene. No doubt in my mind. Either she’d run away, screaming bloody murder, or bring out the party cannon in celebration of somepony new. Or both. I decided to avoid Sugarcube Corner altogether.

I made a mental map of the possible routes we could take. 

“Hey Derpy, I don’t think I can wear these clothes if I'm trying to look civilized,” he said. 

“What’s wrong with them?”

“They’re falling apart,” I examined him closely. Sure enough, the sleeves of his hoodie were starting to fray, and there were holes worn into his jeans. The shirt he wore underneath, despite half a bottle of stain remover, still bore the brown splotch where blood had fallen on it. 

“Jerry, don’t you think that you should stop washing your clothes everyday? Maybe they’d last longer.”

“Derpy, I only have one pair of clothes to wear. Even if I'm away from other people, I still have standards of hygiene to maintain. Anyways, I'm going to need some clothes,”

“Why not just go naked? You’re not going to any fancy parties or anything.”

“Yeah, not on an option.”

“Hrmm…” This poses a problem. All I have is a few dresses for formal occasions, a parka, and my blue wrap up vest. If he wore any of those mare’s clothing, he would just look silly. The only Stallion’s clothing In the house is what was in Breeze’s drawer. Maybe Jerry would be willing to wear some of his clothing. I went into the bedroom, and pulled out his button-up shirt. I went back into the kitchen and brought it over to him. “Maybe some of my husband’s clothing will work.”

“Are you sure he won’t mind?”

“Well, he died before Dinky was born.” There was an awkward silence.

“Ummmm... I guess he won’t mind then.” He said awkwardly, before ducking into the guestroom. I heard the sound of clothing rustling. “Derpy? I think we have a problem,” Jerry called.

“What is it?” I called back. He walked out of the guest room. He had managed to get the shirt on his arms, and over his head. But only half on his body, and greatly restricting his movement. he turned to me, and peered between his two arms stuck straight out.

“I'm not a horse,” He said dryly. Oh yeah... He’s not a pony, no wonder it didn’t fit.	

“Where can we get non-pony clothes? Hrmm... RARITY!”

“Who’s she?”

“She’s the town dressmaker. If there’s a pony that can make you clothes, it’s her!”

“We better see what she can whip up in such a limited amount of time.” Jerry cast off the button-up shirt. 

The trip to boutique was going to take us through downtown, but at least we could stay away from the marketplace. 

It was a beautiful day, and everypony was outside, enjoying themselves. As we walked by, a few ponies would take a step back, or whisper to each other. One even ducked behind a cart at the mere sight of him. Jerry wasn’t too happy about this treatment, but he didn’t say anything about it anymore. 

“Derpy, did you ever change your name?”

“Before I came to Ponyville, I was called Ditzy Doo. I didn’t like it that much, because ponies made fun of my name whenever I crashed into something. I wanted a fresh start when I came here. Here we are!” I stopped in front of the boutique, and went through the door, followed by Jerry. 

“Seems awfully messy in here,” he said. I spotted Rarity, tape measure strung across her shoulders, and pins and scissors levitating in the air. 

“Just a minute!” she called. She turned back to the pony that was acting as her mannequin. There, on a raised pedestal surrounded by mirrors, wearing a half-assembled dress, was Fluttershy.
> The Customer (Rarity)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Snip.

Snip.

Snip.

I checked the design in the book. It would definitely need more frills, and I would have to modify the trim just a tad. 

“I’m glad I finally got you away from your cottage darling. I haven’t seen you in ages!” I said, trying to engage her in a conversation. I dreaded working in silence. She simply nodded.

“So, I haven’t seen you much since the incident.” I ventured. I knew I was walking on eggshells. The last time any of us had directly mentioned the break-in, she hadn’t taken it too well. “What has kept you so busy?”

“Oh, I, um, I just was making some home improvements is all,” she said ever so softly. 

”Would you be referring to the giant fence around your yard?”

“Yes. It’s been awfully hard to build.”

“Fluttershy, I know you’ve been going through a lot, and I have no right to judge, but don’t you think that’s a tad excessive?”

“I haven’t been spending all my time building the fence! I also dug a trench, and put locks on my windows.” 

“Perhaps you should put that little project of yours on hold for a while, and maybe we can finally go the spa!”

“Oh, no no no. Ever since Elizabeak-” her voice faltered, and became almost inaudible, “passed, I’ve been trying to make sure that nothing like that ever happens ever again.”

I bit my lip. I never knew fluttershy to be so devastated. I wondered if her construction of a fortress was really healthy. It had caused her to miss our last two spa appointments. It wasn't like her to be so preoccupied.

The dress I was making was originally supposed to be worn by me, but I needed some excuse to get her to spend some time away from home.The last time any of us saw her was when she was tip-toeing around the marketplace, searching for some building supplies. 

Luckily she wasn’t as frightened as she originally was at the prospect of modeling. Still, it had taken a lot of coaxing, (and dare I say whining) on my part, Just to get her to leave that cottage-turned-fortress.  

I heard the bells on the door ring.

“I’ll be with you in a moment!” I called over my shoulder, catching a glimpse of the walleyed mailmare. Whilst there was a customer in my shop, they took priority over any and all side projects. And besides, it was best if I attended to Derpy before she collided into something. “It’ll just be a minute Fluttershy, try not to move too much or the dress will fall apart.” I rushed to fasten the train to the main body with as many safety pins as I had at my disposal.

It was shaping up to be a lovely thing. Most ponies in the costume contest for Nightmare Night would be aiming for the most fearsome and uncouth disguises they could assemble. I however, was crafting an aristocrat’s dress of the finest silk, like those worn in the days of old. Luna herself was going to grace the town with her presence on the second Nightmare Night since her return, and she was to be among the judges for the costume contest. And what better to win her favour than a dress from her own time?  

A loud clatter from behind broke my concentration. The yellow pegasus let out an eep as I accidentally pricked her flank. “Sorry!” I whispered. “Derpy, please be careful!” I called, dabbing at the little drop of blood with a scrap cloth.

“But that wasn’- I mean, um my bad!” she said. I looked around. Curiously, she was sitting in the relative center of the boutique, far removed from any furniture or clothes racks. I trotted over to her. 

“I’m sorry dear. Welcome, as always, to Carousel Boutique! And how may I be of service this fine morning?”

“Um, I’m looking,” Derpy took a giant step directly in front of me, blocking my view of the door, ”for eee, um service. To make clothes.” she forced a nervous smile, and waved at Fluttershy. “How ya doing?” She coughed unnecessarily loudly.

“Well, then, You certainly came to the right place.” I peered at her curiously. “Derpy, tell me. Are you feeling okay?” The bells on the door jingled. Another customer? I tilted my head to the side just in time to see the door shut. I let out a sigh. It was going to be one of those days, I just knew it. 

“I’m feeling just fine!”

“Very well. What exactly do you need?”

“Hang on, let me go ask Jerry,” she said, and headed for the door. 

“Who’s Jerry?”

“Oh, he’s umm.... a stallion,” I cocked an eyebrow. 

“Go on...” 

“And he’s been...um living with me for the past few weeks...” Derpy was with a stallion? I didn't think she’s dated anypony since her husband had died. I wondered what Oatmeal would make of this new development. 

“Oh? Is he new in town? 

“Well, he’s been here over a month,” 

“I’m surprised Pinkie hasn’t found him, not to mention thrown him a party.” Curious. One would think that he would have come visited my shop by now. Downtown Ponyville was far from tremendous. Most ponies new in town ending up poking their heads into every shop in town over the course of their first afternoon here. Was she having a long distance relationship finally come to fruition? I would simply have to contain my inquiries, unless she brought up the topic. “Would this be a new coltfriend of yours?” I blurted out. 

“No no no. Ehehem, we’re just roommates,”

“So, does that mean he’s an eligible bachelor?”

“Umm, I guess so?” I was probably among the last mares to be introduced to the new stallion. Ah well, I’ll have to just track him down, and arrange an “accidental” meeting with him. I would have to begin a subtle set of inquiries about his character, before I took any action whatsoever.

“Speaking of which, where is this stallion of yours?”

“I think he’s outside, wait here.” She trotted through the door.

She came back a moment later. “Sorry Rarity, but would you come outside? Jerry’s nervous about Fluttershy being here.” 

The buttery yellow pegasus’ ears perked at the mention of her name. “Who’s nervous?”

“Oh, No one. Nopony I mean.” Derpy answered hastily. I looked at Fluttershy. Then back at Derpy. Then back at Fluttershy.

I grinned conspiratorially. “Derpy, are you thinking what i’m thinking?”

“No?”

“Your friend Jerry, he’s rather shy, is he not?” 

“I guess?”

“And is he single?”

She nodded, utterly confused. 

Clearly, I needed to be more direct. “So, would he not be the perfect stallion to court our lovely and eligible Fluttershy?” I squeed. I could already hear wedding bells! “We must introduce them to each other. And of course, nudge them along into a date.”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Well, they already met once, and that... well they didn’t get off on the right hoof.” Nonsense! Fluttershy making a bad impression? That’s simply unheard of. I also wondered how in the world the meekest pegasus in Ponyville managed to meet an eligible stallion before I was able to. But I put that matter to the back of my mind.  

“I’m sure we can patch things up between them. Doesn’t everypony deserve a second chance to make a first impression?”

I cantered outside to meet this mysterious stallion. I ran nose first into somepony... something.

“Oh, my apologies! Tell me, have you seen a stallion by the name of Je- OH MY CELESTIA!” It was... It was the human! The one that had pillaged and marauded and murdered across the countryside, all the way to Fluttershy’s little cottage!

Lumbering and tall as a minotaur, but viciously lean, as though designed for dexterity instead of strength. He was fully clothed, each article bearing an assortment of stains and tears. They were well on their way to becoming rags suitable only for a vagabond. One of his appendages lay folded to his side, while the other dangled freely.

Upon the sight of him I screamed as loud and high as I could, and collapsed. Good. That kind of scream would be enough to curdle blood. 

I waited to slip into the blackness of unconsciousness. One moment passed, then another. I moved my hoof around. Much to my chagrin, it responded accordingly. I was still awake. Damn, forgot to hold my breath.

“Are you alright Ma’m?” I heard him say.

I took a peek out of the corner of my eye. I got a good glimpse of his working boots. The human was squatting down, looking quizzically at me. Damn. Too late to play dead. Okay Rarity, you’ve gotten yourself out of trickier situations. I got up, and dusted myself off. Maybe if I bucked him in the face, and then dropped something heavy on him, I could make a quick escape. 

“Would you happen to be Ms. Rarity, the dressmaker?” he asked suddenly. He dropped onto his haunches, and sat on the ground.

“Why yes,” I replied, slightly confused. A barbarian raider addressing me by a formal title? And speaking coherently?

“Any reason in particular why you pretended to faint?” He sounded more offended than anything else. He wasn’t so scary when he was the one looking up at me.

“Um, yes?” I batted my eyelids flirtatiously. He seemed unamused. Well, this was rather embarrassing. “In my defense, your stature is rather imposing. Can a girl help it if you startle her so?” I heard galloping footsteps behind me. 

“Wait Rarity! Jerry’s actually the human!”

“Darling, this would have been excellent information a few moments ago.”

“Sorry. I didn’t want to scare Fluttershy. She was listening, you know.” 

I turned my gaze back to the lumbering figure. “So this is the human?” 

“I’m Jeremiah Walker. I must apologize for us not meeting in more, shall we say, relaxed circumstances,” He extended his hand towards me. Despite the appearance of the shoddy clothes (which were ripping apart at the seams), his hands were free of mud, dirt, and any other undesirable refuse. I gingerly met it with my hoof. 

So this was the marauding bandit? The one that brutally murdered the poor pegasus’ birds? Oatmeal’s description of him was a far cry from the truth. He had no razor talons, or blood foaming from his mouth. Well, at least not at at the moment. He was dressed shoddily, that’s for sure. Every scrap of cloth on his body, while wearable, was a completely lost cause.

“So, Mr. Jeremiah. What brings you to my boutique?”

“I was hoping that such fine dressmaker as yourself would be able to sew me some new clothes, perhaps a new hoodie, and maybe three or four shirts.”

“That’s certainly a large order! Do you wear clothes often?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.”

I smiled painfully. As much as I wanted to discard those rags he wore and lavish him in some respectable threads, there was no telling what Fluttershy would do when she found out that I let her aggressor into my shop. Let alone allowing him into her presence.

“I’m very sorry Mr. Jeremiah, but I don’t think I can offer you my business. Nothing personal. But my dear friend Fluttershy doesn’t have the kindest opinion of you, and she would consider it an act of betrayal if I were to transact business to you.”

The human scowled. Derpy scratched the bottom of her chin thoughtfully, while her eyes examined Jerry, as well as cloud floating by. 

Without warning, her eyes lit up, and crossed themselves. “We just didn’t come for clothes!” she proclaimed suddenly.

“We didn’t?”

“We also came so he could apologize to Fluttershy!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Oh?’

“That’s right! What we really wanted was for you to help us find Fluttershy.”

“In that case, I would be delighted to offer you my services, and an opportunity to speak with my friend.”

The human tapped Derpy on the shoulder. “Can I talk to you for a second?”  The gray pegasus and the human relocated themselves behind a tree. I carefully drew close behind them. 

Oh come on! Don’t look at me like that. Just because I’m a lady of refinement doesn’t mean I’m impervious from curiosity.

“C’mon Jerry, this is good! If Fluttershy forgives you, then she might want you to stay, and help you build a life here!”

“Nuh-uh. No way in hell I’m getting anywhere near her.”

“Why not?”

“I fear for the safety of my right arm.”

“Jerry! Think! If you can get Fluttershy to like you, then everypony else will stop being afraid.”

“No good can come of this. The way I see it, It can go two ways. She still wants to murder me, and I’ll be stomped to a pulp. Or, she’s still afraid of me, and she’ll run off and find one of her giant lion friends in the woods. Then I’ll be stomped to a pulp.”

“She fears you as much as you fear her.”

“I doubt that’s possible.”

“Jerry, c’mon,”

“No. We’ll just get clothes somewhere else.”

“There’s nowhere else to get clothes in Ponyville.”

“Wow. This really is a one horse town, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“Gah...nevermind,”

“Like it or not, this is the only way to get new clothes.”

The human turned away from her. “Fine.”

I pondered why he would go through so much trouble to get clothes, when he would be just as well off without them. Still, I’m not one to turn away a potential customer.

I trotted back to the entrance of the boutique, and looked as innocent and unassuming as possible. They approached me seconds later. 

“Have you two reached a consensus?” I said nonchalantly. I casually examined my hoof.

“Yep!” Derpy said, rather chipperly. 

“Allright now. Fluttershy can be rather, how shall I put this? Easily startled. It would be for the best if you were to make a more meek entrance.”

Jerry looked at me timidly. Good. He was playing the part perfectly. “How about we skip that part. Couldn’t you just measure me outside?”

I gave him a reassuring smile. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous darling. If you want some clothes, you’ll need to step into the boutique.” I sized him up. I could probably use the minotaur mannequin I kept in the back. Then again, maybe not. He was dreadfully scrawny compared to the hulking mass of canvas musculature. I would have to make whatever he needed, with only his physique as a reference to the shape of what I designed. I smiled. How I relish a challenge. 

“Maybe I could come back later. You know, when she isn’t here?”

“No. Why all the resistance?”

“Because, last time we parted, we weren’t on the best of terms. And she’s responsible for this,” he gestured to his sling.

“Oh ho ho, There is NO way Fluttershy is responsible for that. Having known Fluttershy for four years now, I can tell you she would never harm a fly.”

“She’s a friend of yours?”

“Of course!”

“I mean this in the best of possible ways, but your opinion may be a little skewed in her favor. What I saw wasn’t a meek little pony, but a murder machine.”

Funny, that’s exactly what everypony was referring to him as. “She only overreacted because you were hurting her pets. She can be very sensitive about that.”

“And exactly why I don’t want to go in.”

“No. You’re going to come in, and address the elephant in the room. I know for a fact that Fluttershy is positively torn up about how she acted towards you.” This last part was, of course, a lie. It always helped to embellish the truth, did it not?

Derpy nudged him forward. “C’mon. I need to go to work soon.”

Jerry grudgingly moved forward, following me into the boutique. “I thought you said you had plenty of time,” he grumbled. 

“Now careful dear, we don’t want to startle her,” I said gently.

“Startle who?” I heard Fluttershy say. I turned to her. She was exactly where I left her.

“Fluttershy, I have someone that would like to speak with you.” I heard a loud clattering to my right. Jerry was hiding behind yet another mannequin. I rolled my eyes, and levitated his impromptu cover away from him. Upon his reveal, Fluttershy let out a huge gasp, and flared her wings, ready to fly through the nearest window. “WAIT! THE DRESS!” She halted mid pose.

She opened her mouth to speak, but she could only spit out incoherent syllables. It was a good moment before she found her tongue again. ”What- What’s he doing here? Could you please, please, please get him away?” She started backpedaling. Her flank bumped into the mirror, and she jumped forward in fright.

“Mr. Jeremiah is here to buy some clothes. And I also believe he has something he’d like to say to you.”

“I, um, I think I actually need to finish digging out the moat right now...” she said meekly, starting to shrug off the dress. 

“Now Fluttershy, It would be incredibly rude to simply shirk off somepony who wants to have a quick discussion.” I turned to the crouching human, who now was hiding behind a fern.”Now darling, would you be so kind as to step right next to Fluttershy? I left all my measuring tapes there, and I believe such a spot would lend itself to conversation.”

“Actually, I think I’ll be on my way out now.” He started to creep towards the door.

Derpy stepped in front of the path.“No! Bad Jerry! Bad!” Derpy scolded him. “You go and talk to Fluttershy right now!”

The human crossed his forelegs and pouted. “No.”

“Yes, you will.”

“No.”

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t have time for this. I levitated him by his hood, and placed him right next to the yellow pegasus. His forelegs were still crossed and his pout as pouty as ever. She took a good step away from him.

“Fluttershy! Be a dear and don’t move too much! You’ll damage the dress.” Glumly, she ceased her retreat.

There was a moments pause. I levitated the tape measure over to Jerry. “Legs out please.” He widened his stance. “No, your other legs.” 

He looked at me for a moment. “You mean my arms?”

“Yes. whatever they’re called.” He lifted his unbound appendage for me.

I got to measuring. The room was completely silent. She took yet another step away from him. Well, this was going swimmingly.

Finally, Fluttershy spoke out. “Um, Mr. human? You wanted to tell me something? I mean, it’s okay if you don’t, because I really need to leave.”

The human scratched his head. “Uh, yes... Listen, Ms. Butterfly-”

“Fluttershy,” Derpy cut him off.

“Fluttershy,” he continued, “I know that we didn’t exactly get off on the right foot. I was lost in the woods, I was hungry, and I didn’t know what was happening. I was so desperate for food I would have done anything. You can’t judge a man’s character in his darkest hour, can you?” He botched the saying! For the love of Celestia, it was all I could do to prevent myself from shoving my hoof in his mouth. I gritted my teeth, and tried to look preoccupied with the sketchwork. “Still, that doesn’t make what I did any better. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry.”

“Nothing you say will bring Elizabeak back,” she whispered through a curtain of pink hair.

“I know that. I was reckless, and thinking only of myself. I just want to make it up to you, and the community.” The pegasus looked away from him, saying nothing. He pulled a necklace out that was hidden beneath his shirt, and fidgeted nervously with the beads. After a minute of no sounds save those made by the scratching of my pencil and the snipping of scissors, I realized he needed some assistance, I nudged him with my hoof. This bolstered him enough to speak once again. 	“Um, so how are the rest of your chickens?”

“...”

I facehoofed. That’s the best he could have come up with? I was nearly dying of the embarrassment I felt for him. Fluttershy turned to me. “Um, Rarity, I think I should really, really, really be going now.”

“Wait, before you go, I need to give you something back.” He reached into his boot, and drew out a kitchen knife, with a pink butterfly engraved on the end. All three of us gasped at the sight. I was about to buck the knife out of his grasp, but gingerly, he offered the handle to her. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing my friend would live to see another day. Still, I couldn’t help but notice the spots of dried blood. “I kinda, stole this from you without asking, and then I kinda... well, you know. Would you like to have it back?” He grinned sheepishly. 

“Umm... That’s okay, you can keep it.” Poor Fluttershy was trying to unpin the dress, and back away from him as fast as possible. The moment the dress hit the floor, there was a gust of wind as she flew straight out the window, leaving the human holding the handle out to his own reflection. I stared disdainfully at the scraps of cloth that were destined to be a beautiful piece of art.

“Well, that went about as well as expected.”

Derpy trotted over to him. “I thought she would have warmed up to you by now.” 

He sat back down, numbly fumbling with the beads of his necklace. “I guess I’m a big old scary monster, aren't’ I?”

“Don’t say that! She’s just a little scared, is all.”” 

I scowled. This whole thing was just embarrassing to watch, filled with faux pas by each party. Maybe she was intimidated by his size, just as I was. I berated myself for not thinking this through. I would be able to speak to Fluttershy later, but right now, I had a customer to attend to. I was eager to divert everypony’s attention to more practical matters, and alleviate this humiliation I felt. “Is there a particular color you would like for your shirt and jacket?”

“Some non-threatening color,” he said apathetically. I never had such a peculiar request before. That’s far from the truth, I realized, after recalling my friends various demands for their gala dresses. At least he didn’t want his shirts to be French haute couture.

“Okay, Let’s see what little old me can come up with.” I checked the bureau in the corner of the room. Every major color I had found its home here. Black and red were far too aggressive. White cloth would quickly become dirty, and soiled. Yellow and green were simply not in this season, and the olive colored cloth was too much like camouflage. It would give him the appearance of belonging to a militia. I pulled out another drawer. A magenta roll of cloth caught my eye. Not the best color, but what could be less ‘intimidating’ then the colors that are wrapped around newborn fillies? I hovered them over to the minotaur mannequin. I looked at it and back at Jeremiah. I brought out the baby minotaur mannequin. A much more similar size, although I would have to make it several inches longer. 

Within the hour, I had his order filled. Three shirts, and a jacket, all in magenta, designed for a human. 

“Well, aren’t you going to try them on?” I beckoned. I was eager to just how well I did. I planned on saving the designs, should I ever need to cater to another human. Reluctantly he peeled off his ruined clothing, and replaced it with the new magenta garments. I embellished his original requests with some accent thread. He looked much more well assembled with fresh clothes, and quite pink. I suppressed a giggle as I noticed how much he reminded me of Pinkie Pie. He looked much better nonetheless. Still, his muss of a mane looked simply dreadful. 

He appraised his reflection, moving his arms around, feeling the fit of the cloth. He nodded approvingly, and offered me a pouch of forty bits. “Mr. Jeremiah, I must say that you look simply marvelous with your new clothes. Why, all you need is a nice manecut, and you’ll be the most dapper human in all of Equestria!”

His eyes went wide, brimming with hope. “There’s other humans? Here?” Oops.

“Terribly sorry dear. There’s only you. You are the most dapper by default.” Stupid stupid stupid. I’m fairly surprised that we all didn't just save ourselves the trouble and just swallow our own tongues right then and there. 

“Oh. Right. Yeah...” His head drooped. The poor thing looked like his heart was going to break any minute now. Quick, think of something that won’t make him sad! 

“Mr. Jeremiah? Do you have the means to get your mane cut?”

“Actually, Dinky gave me a haircut a couple of weeks ago with her school scissors.” Well, that explained the state his hair was in.

“Well I just happen to know of this marvelous spa and salon. Aloe and Lotus know manecuts like the back of their hooves.”

Derpy, who was examining the latest issue of the Foalfree Press, looked up and frowned. “Rarity, That would cost a lot. Jerry and I don’t have enough money for that.”

“Oh nonsense.” I scribbled a hasty note to the two owners of the spa, and presented it to Derpy. “Just have them charge it to me. Just give them this, and you’ll have no trouble at all!”

“That’s awfully generous of you. I don’t know what to say.” Jerry looked puzzled, but I could see the warmth of my gesture spreading across his face. 

I gave him a delicate chuckle and twinkling smile. “Think nothing of it dear.”







I sighed, batting a ball of yarn over to Opalescence, who persistently remained asleep. "Oh you were never much for fun anyways" I scoffed. The human had been the only one to enter my boutique all day. I made the mistake of working too quickly, and finished all the orders by noon. And deprived of a model, I was unable to make any headway with the Nightmare Night costume. I briefly considered closing the shop for the day. I trotted over to the window, and pony-watched for a smidge. Maybe I should visit Twilight? Nothing better to do. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a steel blue stallion drag himself to the adjacent house. Despite his clover cutie mark, and his name, he seemed to be anything but lucky. What was wrong?

Come to think of it, Lucky was looking dreadfully melancholy as of late. Perhaps it had something to do with the absence of his marefriend? I haven’t seen them walking together these last couple weeks. I pondered if there was anything I could do to cheer him up a smidge. Maybe a bottle of wine? No.... that would send the wrong message. The last thing I wanted to do was incur the wrath of a jealous lover. Or worse, I would become the new object of his affections. I shuddered at the thought of inadvertently breaking a stallion’s heart, as demure ladies such as myself are prone to doing in their more careless moments.

Perhaps a tie! Perfect! Something any stallion would be in need of. A gift I could readily provide, and one with little connotations. Just a neighbourly seamstress, delivering a present to her platonic neighbour! Within minutes, I had a lovely blue bowtie stitched, and ready. I quickly put it in a gift bag, and trotted over to his door, giving a light rap. The door swung inward, revealing a very melancholy stallion. “Oh, hello Rarity. What’s happening? Sink needs fixing again?” 

“Lucky darling, I just wanted to treat my neighbour to something special! I had some silk left over, so I threw together a little present for you!” I levitated the tiny bag to him.

He peered inside. “Oh, a tie...Thanks,” He tried to contort his features into some semblance of a smile.

“It’s the least I can do for such a helpful neighbour! Well, ta ta for now!”

“Rarity?” He looked up at me. His blue, bloodshot eyes betrayed a world of hurt.

“Yes?”

“What am I doing wrong?”

“I’m afraid I don’t follow.”

“With... with Lyra. Why isn’t she talking to me?” He looked away, and scraped the ground with his hoof. “Why does she hide from me?”

“If she can’t see what a marvelous stallion you are, then she isn’t worth your time.”  Idea! “Lucky, are you familiar with my good friend Fluttershy?”

He shook his head.

“She’s a lovely pegasus, with a beautiful yellow coat, and she’s single! You two would adore each other! Just say the word, and I will make it happen.” I put my hoof to my chest, and waited for a response.

“I’m sorry...”

“But, she’s-” I huffed.

“She’s not Lyra.” I heard him whisper, as he walked inside, and slammed the door shut.

Yep. One of those days.
> The Farm Hand (Applejack)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	For the third day in a row, I awoke before the sun rose. With a grunt, I twisted my back and limbs, creating an orchestra of pops and cracks. I hopped out of bed and smacked my lips, now ready for the day. ‘Have to wake up Apple Bloom’. I heard a chorus of birds tweeting, fluttering around the apple trees, taking pecks out of them. I grumbled and shuffled out of my bedroom. 

Gently I opened the door to her room and saw her sleeping like a log, even muttering something or other to her dreams. I couldn’t help but smile. She didn’t have to get up right now, did she? I walked to the window and squinted into the darkness. Though the sun was nowhere to be seen, a few ponies were already making their way up the path to the barn. 

I sighed. No sleeping in for anypony today. “Apple Bloom, rise and shine!” I said softly, nudging her. “We got ourselves a big day ahead of us.” 

The yellow filly turned to the other side. “Five minutes.” 

“All the helpers are already coming, we need everypony awake and ready ta work, and that includes you.” Reluctantly, she stirred, and plopped out of bed. We went down to the kitchen. On the stove was a pot half-filled with oats, still warm by the looks of it. I squinted at the little note attached to the side, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

 Gone out to get everypony organized. Come out when you finish eating. Grannie’s with me. 
- Mac

“Could yah grab us some bowls?” I spooned Apple Bloom a generous portion of the sludge.

“Ah don’t get it. Why do we have ta harvest each and every field? Aren’t we supposed to rotate crops or something? We never had to find other ponies ta help us before,” she asked between bites. 

“Remember, us Apples have had a rough year. What with the Parasprites eatin’ our house, the damage Flim and Flam did during the contest, all of them stampedes, Cerebus rampaging, and don't forget Vinyl’s party. We weren’t doing so good. Luckily, Granny went out and talked to Filthy Rich, and they set up something or other. Can’t really make heads or tails of it m’self, but we’re gonna sell him a whole bunch of extra crop to help make some more money. All we gotta do is get all the crops harvested, and get it packed up.” We all knew what dire straits we were in, no need to frighten her. 

“But that’s so much work!”

“Ah know.” This is the first year we’d be taking from the entire farm. Before, we just did a fraction of the fields, cause that’s all we had the pony power to do, and that’s all Ponyville really needed for food. “Lucky thing we got us a whole mess of farm hands.” I gulped down another mouthful of oats. I wasn’t too keen on really thinking about all the ponies Big Mac had wrangled up for the job. Sure, all we needed were some laborers, and it wasn’t like you needed a farming cutie mark to figure out how to pick apples. But I was worried for the fields. Not every earth pony is cut out to be a farmer, let alone Pegasi and Unicorns. Hay, Pinkie could barely keep her ficus alive. “Let’s just pray our farm comes out of this in one piece.”
 

By the time we both made it to the barn, half the ponies were already assembled around the opening gate. I surveyed everypony gathered around. There were about twenty of them.  All around was the murmur of conversation and the caws and calls of crows. Some were chatting idly, others were trying their hardest to keep their eyes open. Mostly earth ponies, but a hooffull of unicorns, and two pegasi. unicorns aren't much for farming, but after seeing Twilight pick a whole mess of trees all at once with her magic, we were willing to see what other unicorns could offer. 

And by “we”, I mean Big Mac. I just wanted to round up some family from Appleloosa, ponies who actually know something about crops, Not a bunch of folks Big Mac found around town. But nopony ever listens to little old Applejack, do they? Half these ponies I knew for a fact have never even picked up a hoe before. Well, at least harvesting is a mite easier than planting, we got that going for us.

 	I hope.

I felt a hoof rap on my shoulder. “Applejack, What is that thing doing here?” The blue hoof pointed towards a barrel resting against the side of a barn. What the hay is he talking about?

“Pokey, that’s just a barrel. We use it ta hold apples.”

“Not the barrel! What’s leaning on the barrel!” 

I squinted, seeing a seafoam green unicorn nearby, scribbling something in the notepad slung around her neck. “Lyra? She’s gonna be sorting, or picking, ah reckon.” Pokey took my head in his hooves and directed my eyes at the figure next to her. Was, that, the human? “What the hay is he doing here?”

Pokey face-hoofed. “Listen, AJ. As much as I want to help you, I don’t feel safe here, with that...that... animal ready to tear anypony apart!”

“Don’t fret, ah got this under control!” I galloped over to the monstrous looking thing. It was waving its limbs up and about as it was telling some story to Lyra. Wait, two limbs? Sure as sugar, its left arm was freed of its restraint. He was using it in a thoughtless gesture, as Lyra listened intently. It was a mite thinner than the other though. But something else seemed different about him as well. He seemed, neater, almost. Less dingy, less tired. His clothes were new, and very pink. Like, Pinkie Pie sorta pink.

And yet even so, he seemed paler, more... gaunt than he did in Cheerilee’s classroom. Like he hadn’t eaten in so long, he was hungry enough to maul anypony to bits if they so much as looked at him funny. Aside from the green mare he was talking to, everypony kept their distance from him. The sooner I got him out of here, the better.

“There’s not much we can do about it really, Just build sturdy houses and cross our fingers. But usually, we don’t have to worry about the weather getting too—”

“Excuse me Mr. human, but we Apples got a strict no rabid animal policy on our farm. So if you don’t have any business with us, you best be leaving...” I cut him off by shoving him out towards the gate with my nose, nearly causing him to lose his balance.

He dug his heels into the ground, halting his slide forward. “Excuse Miss, but I do have business here, with Mr. Macintosh.”

 I stopped pushing and looked up at him. “Say what now?”

“He’s hired me help with the harvest.” The unicorn beside him nodded vigorously. What the hay? I knew Big Mac’s taken a few knocks to the head, but this was jaw dropping, even by his standards.

I looked him up and down. Even though he had full use of both his upper limbs, they were lean. It didn’t look like they were much good for anything except hunting and killing. “An’ exactly does that big lug plan on having you do? Ah don’t see how ya can be lifting anything with those doo-hickeys,” I finally managed to say.

He forced a grin. “I’m on scarecrow duty ma’am. Not so much lifting as the other ponies.”

What the hell was Big Mac thinking? This thing’s gonna scare off more ponies than birds working for us. “Ah thought we had a pegasus taking care of that.” I surveyed the scene of ponies entering, and saw my brother, sitting on a bench. He had his reading glasses on and a pencil in his mouth. Even so, he was still squinting to see with only the first rays of morning lighting the sky. “Mac, did you tell that human thing to come here?” I hissed.

“Eeyup.” He scribbled something onto the roster on the table. 

“And why in all of Equestria would you need him ta be here?”

“Workin’.” He didn’t look up from the list.

I gritted my teeth. “Ah thought that’s why we brought ponies here.”

“Eeyup.”

“Have yah ever stopped and thought that maybe bringin’ a wild animal straight outta the Everfree forest home might be, ah dunno, dangerous?”

He finally looked up at me. “He’s not dangerous. Apple Bloom found out all about him in Cheerilee’s class.”

“Just ‘cause Apple Bloom says he won’t eat us doesn’t mean you gotta invite him on the farm and put him on payroll! What if he gets inside the house? What happens if he gets hungry, and when he can’t find any birds to eat and that the cattle look nice and tasty? You know that thing can break locks and hop fences? Ah’ve seen what it can do. And it ain’t pretty. What happens if he breaks into the pen, Big Mac?”

“He’s not gonna—”

“What if he goes after a pony? What if he goes after little Apple Bloom?”

“He’s—”

“That dirty son of mule thinks he can go ahead an’ eat Apple Bloom from right under noses, does he? Ah’m gonna go over there right now and buck him straight outa Sweet Apple—”

“Applejack!” Big Mac butted in. “We don’t hafta worry bout that. He’s gonna have plenty of birds ta eat. Ah hired him to scare away the birds.”

My eyes went wide. “Yah mean, yer gonna let him eat birds... on our farm?”

“Eeyup.”

I shook my head, that was goin’ too far. Birds have always been picking at and damaging our crops, and they’re annoying as anything, but damn it if I’m going to let our farms become a hunting ground for that thing. No way I’d ever let one of the fields turn into what Fluttershy’s lawn looked like. The blood, just sitting in a little pool in the dirt, droplets flung onto the blades of grass... Okay, don’t think about it, don’t think about it. “Nothing deserves that. You hear me? Ah thought you cared about this farm, but you’re ready to just let that human turn it into his own personal slaughterhouse!” 

“Ah don’t like it either AJ, but it’s the only way. Filthy won’t take crops that were touched by birds. If we wanna keep ourselves out of the poor house, We gotta keep those birds away from the crops.”

“So what do yah plan on doing? Just have him kill all the birds, till there are none left?” I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. 

“He won’t hafta do that. If he...” Big Mac eventually forced himself to verbalize his plan. “kills a couple, the rest’ll be too scared ta come back.”

“And what happens when everypony sees him rip a bird apart, and put it on a spit?”

Big Mac scrunched up his face for a moment at the mere thought, but quickly found his resolve. “That human, for what it’s worth, has enough sense to not do that in front of anypony. He knows enough to make a good first impression.” He turned to look me right in the eye. “AJ, I ain’t exactly happy about these circumstances, but you can’t tell anypony bout what we’re letting this human do.” 

“An’ now you want me ta lie ta ponies?” He of all ponies, should know I can’t lie to save my flank.  

“There’s a difference between straight up lyin, and ommitin’ information.”

“Big Mac, these ponies have a right to know  if there’s gonna be a rabid animal chomping on birds round here!”

“AJ, whaddya think will happen when we tell everypony that?” Why would anypony stay where there was a carnivore running about. Course’, we never told them bout the Timberwolves, but that’s different! I studied Big Mac’s dumb, stupid, calm face, trying to think of a comeback. He said softly, “If we’re gonna keep the farm, yah can’t tell anypony about what we’re letting this human do.”

“Ah don’t know...” But I did. As much as I hated it all, and wanted to tell Big Mac that the human should go buck himself, this all had to happen if there was going to be a future for Sweet Apple Acres.

I sighed, and bowed my head, and cantered back to Lyra and the human. Nothing good could come of this. I banished the thought, and looked up to see a very smug look on the human’s face. “Well? What did he say?”

“Just no funny business, ya hear?” I shoved my hoof against his chest, causing him to flinch. Then I gestured to Lyra. “And she better be leaving at the end of the day in one piece!” Lyra pouted, and levitated her pen and notepad to write something in response, but I just turned and walked away. 

Big Mac finished up his list, and got to directing ponies to the fields, While Apple Bloom led the ponies to the tents where they would spend the day packaging and shipping away the harvest. I was following Colgate and Lyra to the East field, but Big Mac tapped me on the shoulder. “Applejack, before ya can go help harvest, ya need to make some rounds, and know for certain everypony actually knows what they are doing. And keep an eye on you-know-who.” I sighed, and nodded. 

“Pardon me Mac, but exactly where am I supposed to go?” the human said, coming up behind him. Something was different about the human from when I first saw him. It was more than his newly freed limb. Even though his manecut was neater, and his clothes pinker, I saw a sort of unsteadiness in his stature. His hands shook slightly whenever they weren’t doing anything.

I spotted the periwinkle pegasus, and pointed to her. “Ya see her? She knows what fields both of ya are supposed to hit. Follow her around and remember. No. Funny. Business.” I punctuated each word with a poke of my hoof to his gut. Just because he was going to get away with eating a crow or two didn’t mean that I’d let him even entertain snacking on something, or somepony else.

“Fine, Christ. You only need to say it once,” he muttered dejectedly, as he hustled to catch up with her. 

“AJ...”

“Ah don’t wanna hear it Big Mac.” It was time to tour around the fields anyways. I gulped. Given the human prancing around the farm, and all the unskilled labor, something was bound to happen. I just wanted to get this little job over with and join em in the field. I spotted Caramel giving Pokey instructions on how to buck the apples. Looks like he wanted his bits more than he wanted to stay away from the human.

Good thing we had at least one stallion that actually knew what he was doing. Of course, earth pony advice won’t be doing him much good if he’s gonna just use magic to pick the apples. Regardless, the two stallions started rhythmically bucking the same tree, knocking a few apples off with each kick. I snorted. I could have emptied the whole tree with a single kick. I had to stop them both, and tell Pokey to use his magic, and Caramel to back him up. Once they got started, they were only somewhat faster. I borrowed another pony from the packing tent to lend a hoof to Caramel. Only then were they working fast enough. By time they got another cart full, the sun was well into the air.  

I moved along, and saw Colgate and Lyra forming a sort of assembly line. The blue mare used her magic to throw the apples into a nearby bucket, while The seafoam green one brought the filled buckets back to the cart. As spacey as the two unicorns usually were, they seemed focused enough on the task at hoof.  Not the most efficient method, but at least they weren’t screwing anything up. Colgate gave a shout of greeting, and Lyra a wave of her hoof as I passed by. I nodded my head at them and went on to the adjacent field. So far, so good.

I looked around quizzically. Every tree had a bucket underneath it, but there was no pony in sight. 

“Hello? anypony around here?” Did Big Mac forget to have somepony come to this field? 

“Hey! Over here!” I turned around, and saw Vinyl Scratch. She was grunting, pulling some kind of large black contraption behind her. 

“Vinyl! We’re payin’ you to pick apples! Quit horsing around!”

The DJ pulled the black box up to where I was, and let out a hearty chuckle. “Oh, but I am.” She ran her hoof through her electric blue hair. Part of me wondered what compelled Big Mac to hire such a mare for apple bucking. 

"That sure don't look like buckin' apples."

“Watch!” She kicked a button, and the box unfolded into a set of speakers. It took a moment for me to register her plan, but by then, it was too late. I could only open my mouth and reach my hoof out before she kicked the button a second time, causing the sound system to roar to life. A clunking, rhythmic feedback sound filled the air. It sounded like somepony dropped a microphone into a tumble dryer. The sonic bombardment shook the apples, and a few fell. But with each rhythmic thump, the ground gave a mighty shake, and bark would flake off the trunks of the trees. As I struggled to I watched in horror as chips of brown fell into the buckets along with the apples, leaving exposed wood. 

“Shut it off!” I hollered, but even I couldn’t hear my own voice. Vinyl looked at me and mouthed the word ‘What?’. This clearly wasn’t going to work. I spied the extension cord trailing behind the blaring behemoth, as it was flung into the air by the shaking of the ground. I jumped after it chomped down on it, and as I landed, yanked it as hard as I could. There was a snap, and crackle of electricity, and the machine fell silent. 

I spit out the cord, and glared at the white pony. “That's. NOT. how we pick apples.” 

“But it worked!” Her voice was tinny and far away. My ears were still ringing. I looked around and my jaw dropped. The nearest trunks were stripped bare. Even the buckets below the tree were more bark than apple. Did my eye just twitch? I’m pretty sure my eye just twitched. She came up and nudged me in the ribs expectantly. “Eh? Eh?”  

What would Big Mac say? I turned to her slowly, and tried to keep even, calm tone, just like he would. “Vinyl, yer gonna clean up this mess, and then buck the apples the right way, or yer flank is fired!”  Well, so much for that plan. 

She began wheeling the speakers away, grumbling as she eyed the severed wire. “Yeesh, I try to show a little creativity...”

“Yah aren’t being paid ta be creative!” I shouted after her.

This is what happens when Big Mac decides to use unicorn ponies, instead of our family. I really really hope we have a farm by the end of this harvest.  As I passed into the cornfields, I saw a flock of birds making a merry feast of the crop. I gritted my teeth. Where the hay were the pegasi?  Flitter flew overhead, fruitlessly trying to herd the birds elsewhere.

“Shoo! go away! There’s corn all the way over there!” Flitter said to a sparrow, pointing to the rising sun. The tiny bird paid her no heed as it plucked at the kernels. “Please leave! We need this food to eat!” The bird chirped in response, and resumed its meal. She let out a frustrated scream, and turned to me, almost on the verge of tears. “Applejack, this is nothing like leading the birds South! I don’t know how to get them to stop!”

I gulped. Neither did I. “Uhhh.... Try harder?” 

I heard a whooping shout, and a flock hastily dislodged from the corn at the far end of the field, flying away. A few seconds later, the human walked out of stalks of corn, swinging a large stick over his head, whooping like some hunter drawing out its prey. With each swing, another crescent of birds fled from the cornfield.

“Has he been doing that the whole time?” I asked the Pegasus.

She nodded, as she touched down, exasperated. “I don’t know how he does it! It’s like they’re afraid of him!” Poor thing, she was really worked up. I patted her on the shoulder.

“That’s because they are,” he said as he came up to us, merrily swinging the stick. “I guess a little birdy told them I find their feathers pretty tasty.” He gave an airy laugh. I stared at him angrily. Flitter gulped, and made an effort to hide her wings. The grin on his face dropped. “Wait, that came out wrong.” 

Flitter, in spite of her fear, seemed impressed by his bird wrangling prowess. “Walker, how do you get the birds to go away?”

“You’ve got to scare them. I have a natural advantage, seeing as they know they’re on the menu whenever I’m around.” I made another face. I was under the impression he was at least going to be a little discreet about the whole ‘I’m going to eat a whole flock of birds’ bit. If he was going to be that unsubtle about killing his bird, then I’d absolutely need to keep Flitter away. At least, she’ll be spared the knowledge of these bloody secrets.

“Scare them? Like, isn’t that a little mean?”

“Hey, Flitter, it’s what works. Go on, try.”

“Okay...” Flitter adjusted her bow, put on her best war face, and flew up behind the sparrow. “OOGGGA BOOGGA WOOGGGA!!!!” she shouted, flailing her hooves madly. “I’m going to eat you, and stuff!” the tiny sparrow looked at her quizzically, gave a single chirp, then flew off to join its companions. Flitter gleamed. Jerry grinned, and offered his fist out, and she bumped her hoof against it. 

“You’re getting better! Come on, let’s go to the next field.”

“Ah’d like to talk to Flitter in private for a moment.”

“Oh, okay? Walker, I’ll catch up with you there!”  

The human nodded, and swaggered off to the next field, when he began singing to himself. 
“Some glad morning,
When this life is over,
I’ll fly away, I’ll fly away,
To my home on God’s celestial shores,
I’ll fly away, Oh glory, I’ll fly away...”


What? It sure didn’t look like humans could fly. In spite of his singing, I couldn’t help but notice the knife handle that bobbed up and down in his boot with every step he took. 

“Is something the matter, Applejack?” Flitter asked tentatively, breaking my train of thought. How

“Oh, um... yah see, ah think that you should keep yer distance from him...”

“Walker? Why?”

“Because... Because...” Because if you stay with him, you’ll see him kill birds, and see him eat their hearts. Because if you don’t stay away, you’re going to see a whole mess of blood, and every bit of a bird that was never meant to be seen . Because if you know what Big Mac is letting the human do, you’ll tell everypony about it, and then we’ll lose the farm. I faltered, desperately wracking my brain for some reason, that was anything but the truth. “Because he...uh...”

“Because he’ll eat me?” She scoffed. “Haven’t you heard? He only eats birds and veggies! Duh! He wouldn’t want to eat a pony. I thought that everypony totally knew that.”  Flitter rolled her eyes.

“Uhh... But you have wings?”

“And?”

“And, uh... Birds have wings too.”  I gave a large grin.

She looked at her feathered appendages, and gulped. “Wings...But pegasi and birds are completely different! He wouldn’t want to eat me. Right?” 

Wait, me lying is actually working? I tried to carry it on. What was everypony saying about him? “Ah dunno Flitter. He hasn’t been able to eat another animal in ages.”

“He- he wouldn’t! He’s nice to me!” 

“That’s cause he’s... buttering you up. Gettin’ you an’ everypony else ta trust him, and when you least expect, he eats you, strip by strip. Watch your feathers ‘round him, is my advice.” At this point, I was stealing words right out of Oatmeal’s mouth. It didn’t feel like lying so much when I was just telling her what other ponies said to me. 

The Pegasus’s eyes became tiny pin pricks, as she looked at her trembling wings, as if a tiny square of butter was slowly rolling down her feathers. “AJ, I don’t wanna be eaten!” she looked at me, eyes full of terror. I felt a pang of guilt shoot through me.

“Ms. Flitter, are you coming?” the human called.

“If yah want, ah can send ya to work with Vinyl in the orchard.” I murmured gently.

Flitter bit her lip fearfully, and then flew to catch up with him. Except, she didn’t touch down, and walk side by side with him. She stayed hovering  far above his head, well out of range of his swinging stick.

“Actually Walker, AJ wants me to work the apple orchards. I’m gonna go now.”

The cheery features dropped from the human’s face. “Okay, I guess... I’ll see you at lunch though, right?”

But Flitter was already gone.

My tongue felt all wrong though, like it had twisted itself into a braid. I felt a knot of guilt form in my throat. I hate lying, but a pony’s got to do what a pony’s got to do. And if that means lying to save her farm, so be it. I swallowed, but that knot wouldn’t go away.

“Ms. Applejack, you do realize that means i’m the only one acting the part of a scarecrow?” Ah ponyfeathers. I looked around, and sighed. If it was going to be anypony working alongside the human, it was going to be me. I guess I’d be really keeping an eye on him now. I gulped. “How strange, I’m a Dorothy being a scarecrow,” he chuckled. Was it just me, or was this human slowly turning into Pinkie Pie?

“All right Mr. human, looks like i’m gonna be your scarecrowing partner.”

“Excellent! Grab yourself a stick.”

“Ah know how to do my job, thank you very much.” I jumped up on my hind legs, and flailed my hooves. “Go on! shoo!” a few birds fluttered away. And so we worked in silence. Well not in complete silence. He was still whooping occasionally, and each time it gave me a start. And he kept singing the odd little song as we walked from field to field. 

“You’re Apple Bloom’s mother?” he asked suddenly.

“Sister. Our parents passed when she was born.”

“I’m terribly sorry.” He was silent for a minute. “She’s a wonderful little pony. She was the only one in her class that was brave enough to come to me and ask me questions personally.”

“When was this? Ah thought I told her to steer clear of you.” I eyed him warily. I didn’t like all these questions about my little sister. 

“In Ms. Cheerilee’s class.” I didn’t say anything back. Once it was clear that I wasn’t responding, he began humming his little song.




By noon, I left him and checked on the two unicorn mares, and lo and behold, they were almost done, and every tree was picked clean. I could see their exhausted faces, and their magic flickering in and out.  “Lyra? Colgate? Why don’t you two take a breather?” I heard the clanging of the lunch bell, and as if on cue, my stomach grumbled loudly, causing Colgate to giggle, and put a bemused expression of Lyra’s face.  “Heh heh, guess my stomach knows what it wants.” 

“Rather pavlovian, don’t you think?” Colgate asked, as we all walked back towards the front barn.

“What now?”

Lyra smiled, and her horn glew for a second. She stopped momentarily, and felt around her neck with her hoof.  she gave me a surprised look, and held her hoof up, as if to say ‘just a second’, and ran back to the field.

“What in all of Equestria is she doing right now?” I asked her blue companion.

Colgate shrugged. “Probably forgot her notepad. Or her quill.” We waited for her, and she came trotting back with the lanyard carrying her pad and paper slung around her neck. the little pad kept on thumping her against her chest as she ran. “All good now?” Lyra nodded, and we went on our way. 

A heard the sound of Winona barking. My ears perked, and I froze. It was coming from the field I left the human in. “Ya’ll go on ahead. I gotta check on something.” I galloped as fast as I could into the cornfield, trying to find the source of the staccato barking. all the sudden, the barking stopped, and my heart froze. “Winona! Winona! Here girl!” I called desperately. I stepped out to see the human hunched over the frame of Winona. My friend, my rodeo buddy, being attacked. “Don’t you dare eat her!” I sprinted towards him.

“How could I? She’s so lovable!” The human cooed and made baby noises to her. I halted. He was, petting her? Winona was lying belly up, and licking his hand. 

“What the hay are you doing? Get away from him.”  The human looked startled, but moved a step back, and took his hands off my dog. “Not you. Winona.” She came up to me, and I patted her head reassuringly. “Stay away from the mean old human, okay girl? He’s straight outta the Everfree forest, and he might try to eat you.” She licked my hoof. The human just scowled at me.  



I set the plate of food down at the table, across from Big Mac, and Apple Bloom. Granny Smith was running the buffet line. Most of the dishes were cooked with the corn, apples, and medley of roots and tubers that were harvested just hours ago. 

We dug in. “Excuse me Mr. Big Mac, Ms. Applejack, Ms. Apple Bloom. Would you mind if I sat with all of you for lunch?”  I looked up and saw the human looming over us, a plate in his grip. I looked at Big Mac, and back at the human. 

I gulped down the food in my mouth. “Uh... we kinda thought you already would have eaten...” I eyed the drawstring bag on his back warily, noticing a new bump in it. 

“When would I have had time to do that?”

“Weren’t ya alone in the field for a while? Didn’t you have time to.. uh eat somethin then?” I face-hoofed. I was with him the whole time! He didn’t have a chance because I was there.

His face lit up in recognition. “Oh, no, I was going to er, save that.“ A hint of worry flickered across his face. “What happened to Flitter? Is she mad at me for something? We were really getting along, and we were supposed to eat lunch together, but then she just left, and now she won’t even give me the time of day! Did I do something wrong?”

“Maybe she realized that yer a big scary animal that nopony should ever be around?” I offered. The human looked hurt, his normally erect posture buckling into a slouch, his gaze shifting to his work boots. Big Mac shot me an angry look. “What?”

“Don’t mind her. Yer welcome to take a seat with us,” Big Mac said, gesturing to the seat right next to me. Now it was my turn to shoot Big Mac an angry look.   

“Thank you.” He looked at the corn hash on his plate. “Umm, Mr. Macintosh, would you happen to have any silverware?”

My brother looked up at him, utterly at a loss of what to say. “Fer what?”

“Because, I can’t really eat this without any utensils, can I?”

“Sure ya can!” Apple Bloom piped up. “Yah just do it like this!” She shoved her face to the plate and started munching away at some greens.  “and yah wouldn’t need anything ta eat wif unleth it Hearth Warming Eve dinner, or yer a unicorn.” she said, her mouth still full.

“I’ll just go make this into a sandwich.” He grimaced, and went back to the buffet table. “God damn sick of sandwiches,” I heard him mutter under his breath.

I turned to Big Mac. “It’s bad enough that you hafta have him work on the farm, where he’s a liability, but now the thing has to eat with us?”

“We need the help. And ah don’t want you scarin’ him away. We need him if we wanna keep the farm, remember?” He whispered harshly, but quiet enough Apple Bloom didn’t hear us.

“Whatcha guys talkin’ about?” Her ears perked.

“Not right now Applebloom, The big ponies are talkin’,” I said. There’s no way Mac could understand. He didn’t see the bloody mess he made of that chicken, he didn’t see Fluttershy bawling her eyes out. He didn’t see the knife in his boot. He doesn’t know what the human’s capable of doing. I bit my tongue, and stared down into my food. It’s up to me to make sure Apple Bloom is safe, and I gotta protect the farm as well as everypony working on it.

He settled back down, with a newly formed sandwich on his plate. We all sat there, eating in tense silence.  His hands were shaking, I realized, but he didn’t seem distressed in the least. He still had that wily look in his eyes. Big Mac just sat there munching lazily on some hay.

Finally the somepony spoke out. “Ahm done!” Apple Bloom called out in a sing song voice, and began trotting off to talk to some of the younger ponies. Her plate was clean, save a conspicuous bulb of anise still on her plate. 

I caught her before she got too far and pointed to the last vegetable on her plate. “Yer a growin’ filly, and ya need to eat all of yer vegetables. Not just hay n’ apples.”

“Ah, come on AJ! Anise is gross!” She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

“That jus means its good for yah. Now, ah won’t let you leave till you eat yer anise.”

She her eyes welled up, and her lip started to quiver. Not this again... 

“Ms. Apple Bloom, would you like some fennel instead of anise? It’s very similar, except a bit better tasting. More licorice-y.”

What? “But they’re the same—” I protested. I was cut off by a shushing from the human. 

“Ah love licorice! Can ah get the fennel Big Mac? Can I? Can I?” Apple Bloom shouted. Big Mac suppressed a smile, and nodded his head curtly. 

The human took her plate with a smile, and said, “I’ll be right back with some fennel for you, Ms. Apple Bloom.”  He began walking back to the food table. Apple Bloom was just beaming, and talking non stop to Big Mac about everything she learned at school about him.

She seemed to forget how I almost took her right out of school when I saw that thing. Only thing that changed my mind was that he was still crippled back then, and Cheerilee knows how to take care of herself, and her students. Still she definitely spit her bit.  Something was fishy about this whole thing.

I trotted after him, and saw him draw out the knife out of his boot. I froze, and looked around. There weren’t any ponies around to be stabbing, except for me. He looked at me briefly;  I gulped, and took a battle stance. If I was going down, I was going down fighting.

But he sighed, turned back to the plate, and began slicing up the bulb of anise. Okay, at this point, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I rose up, and observed him. Was he poisoning the food? Shoving needles in it? All the while he was just slicing up the anise, and whistling the same song he was singing earlier. He seemed to be painfully aware of my presence, and his whistling slowly died down. Eventually, I spoke up. “Mr. Human?”

“Yes, Ms. Applejack?”

“Remember when ah told you ‘no funny business’?”

“I do.” He didn’t look up from his work, but only started slicing harder. 

“This right here counts as funny business.” I glared at him. “What do you mean to be doing by lying to my sister, and buttering her up with all that fancy talk of yours? Pretending to be all polite might work on some ponies, but it sure as hay won’t fool me!” 

He didn’t answer right away. He just kept on chopping, and staring right at bulb. “Anise has two names, does it not?”

“Ah guess.”

“And you want your sister to eat her vegetables?”

“What’re you trying to say here?”

He finally looked up at me and gave a mirthless smile. “Ms. Applejack, I think your sister would find her vegetables a little more palatable given a different identity.” Are we still talking about vegetables? He stopped cutting, and showed the plate to me. “Look, nothing wrong with it, Just now that the fennel is chopped up, see?”

“Ah guess... and I ain’t a Miss. I’m just Applejack, got it?”

“Alright Applejack, whatever you say.”

He slid the knife with the butterfly on the handle back into his boot, and walked over to present the new “fennel” to Apple Bloom, to which she graciously accepted. 

We again sat in silence while Apple Bloom ate, and the human finished his sandwich.  “Mr. Human?”

“Please, call me Jerry.”

“All right, Jerry. What was that weird human song you were singing out in the field? About Celestia, and flying around. Humans can’t fly. It doesn’t make a mite of sense. Is it one of them nonsense rhymes?”

He chuckled. “Who says humans can’t fly?”

I looked at him flatly. “Ah do. Cause ya aint got wings.”

He pretended to examine his back. “I suppose you’re right.” Apple Bloom let out a guffaw, and the human seemed fairly amused by his own joke. “It’s a song we sung a lot back at my town’s church.” 

“What’s a church?” Apple Bloom asked.

A nostalgic smile spread across his face. “It’s what a community is anchored around. A pastor runs it, helps his community by giving guidance, and helping everyone help one another. I was going to actually be a man of god, before I ended up here.”

Apple Bloom wrinkled her nose in confusion. “But you aren’t a jelly fish.”

“Just an expression. I was going to be the pastor for my church.”

Big Mac’s curiosity was piqued, inspiring him to contribute to the conversation. “Seems like a nice place, ah reckon. How come you left yer pack of humans to come here?”

“I didn’t really mean to.. I went for a walk, got a little lost in the forest, and wound up here. In Equestria, I think it’s called?”

“So you just walked into Equestria?” I cocked an eyebrow. 

“Uh-huh.”

“Which is a big ole island?”

The human gave a shrug. “All I know is I’m not going back into that forest anytime soon.” Something’s really fishy. A carnivorous animal that doesn’t know how it got here? This reeks of Discord. We ought to get this thing packed away in the Everfree forest. Or the Neighvarro frontier. Really any place that’s not here. 

Grannie Smith jangled the bell again, and we all got up to resume our work for the day.







For the fifth day in a row, I awoke before the sun rose. In the quiet of the dawn, I rolled out of bed. Woke up Apple Bloom, filled two bowls with oats, gulped down the oats, and made our way outside. 

Count the ponies. Flitter didn’t come back. We had no pegasi left anymore. There were a hoofull of other ponies missing; Carrot Top, and Colgate, to name a few. Go up to the human, tell him to mind the funny business.

I went up to Big Mac.  “I hope yer happy. That precious human of yours scared off our only pegasus. This human better be scarecrowing double time today.”

“AJ, What do you hear?”

I perked my ears up. Heard general murmurings of ponies. Melody going off about his chickens or something, The human explaining something to Lyra. I wrinkled my nose disdainfully. It was like the two were drawn to each other like magnets.

Still, it seemed there was something absent from the scene. The ponies chattering, the wind blowing... “The birds! Ah can’t hear any birds!”

“Guess our scarecrow scared em off fer good.”

“Does that mean we can send him home? And he doesn’t need to ever come back?”

“Nope. We need him to fill in fer all the ponies missing. We need every bit of help we can get today.”

“Has it occurred to you Big Mac, that maybe these ponies aren’t coming back because that human is scarin’ them away?”

“Let him. Ah’ll bet he can do the work of ten ponies sorting apples. The way ah see it, all these ponies not coming back are just saving us money. So long as no pony else leaves on account of him, We should have more than enough labor to finish the harvest.” Macintosh went over to explain the new work situation to the human, leaving me silently grumbling. 






I surveyed each field. The few ponies on each were hard at work. Seems like the useless ones had weeded themselves out, leaving only the dyed in the wool, grit-in-your-hooves farm ponies. As much as I hated to admit it, Big Mac, was sort of right. Despite the absence of at least a dozen ponies, the same amount of work was getting done.

I stepped into the South field, where the human was supposed to be working. A good quarter of the field was already picked, a few carts full of Red Delicious waiting to be pulled over to the shipping tent.  And sure enough, there was Lyra, with a big ole grin on, standing by a bucket of apples.

Apples were flying at her, and she caught each one with her magic, and lowered it into the bucket. I looked up to see where the apples were coming from. Sure as sugar, there was the human picking apples, and tossing them at Lyra. He still seemed pale in his cheeks, but he was chuckling, enjoying the little sport he and Lyra made of the precious crop. 

“Lyra!” I shouted. I broke her concentration, and an apple skewered itself on her horn. The human stopped his picking and was now looked guiltily at me. All these crazy antics weren’t accomplishing anything, except slowing the work and bruising the apples. “Yall stop horsing around, and pick the apples the right way! Lyra, you grab em with magic, and the human carries them back.”

Lyra knocked the apple off her horn, and then trotted over to me. She wrote something in that notepad of hers, and showed it to me. Jerry is having trouble carrying the apples, so we decided that we should pick all the apples together, then we both carry them back.

“Whaddaya mean he’s having trouble? And that doesn’t change the fact you two were more interested in horseplay than the harvest. ”

“Applejack, this is my fault. What with my arm having just healed, coupled with the fact that I haven’t been feeling very well, I don’t have all that much energy for lifting. I think Lucky’s starting to notice.” 

I looked to Lyra sympathetically. “Just stay focused on getting the work done, okay sugarcube?” Then I turned to the human. “And no—”

“No funny business? Got it “

“Somepony’s learning.”





I sat down with Big Mac and Apple Bloom, and set my plate down. Thank Celestia that he decided sit with Lyra today. Still, I couldn’t get a single bit of peace of mind, with that human hanging around. After letting Apple Bloom ramble on for awhile, I asked her why the human had two names.

“Ah dunno. He didn’t really explain it. Can ah go and ask him about his church?”

“No.”

“Aww....” She nudged the food on her plate. “Ya know, This fennel stuff tastes an awful lot like anise.” 

I spotted Jerry scraping off some food from his plate for Winona. She really seems to have taken a liking to him. Usually she’s the one to go barking at any dangerous creature, but here she is licking his hand, and letting him scratch her ears. It seemed like Winona was spending just as much time with him as Lyra. She hardly comes up to me, cept when I call her. 

I walked up to them. “Hey, how’s my girl doing?” She yipped happily, and I patted her head. 

Jerry looked up at me. “Hey, Applejack, Lyra and I are sorry that we were goofing off in the field. I know you have a deadline with this, and we should be productive as possible.”

I was a little taken aback. While most of the ponies here were just doing the work for the bits, he seemed to want to prove something to everypony. He was one of the few hired ponies that were taking pride in their ethic. “Well, it’s fine I guess, just don’t let it happen again.” I took a glance back at Apple Bloom and she looked expectantly back. “Mr. Jerry?”

I couldn’t believe what I was about to say. “Apple Bloom wanted to ask you a question or two about your thingy-ma-bobber.”

“My what?”

“You know, your human convention place.”

“You mean church?”

“Somethin’ like that. Anyhoo, why don’t you and Lyra sit with us, and you and Apple Bloom can chat a while.”

He smiled. “That would be lovely.” Lyra and him got up and transferred tables. There were a few grumbles as the three of walked back to the center table. “Apple Bloom is quite the inquisitive spirit, isn’t she?” 

“I guess that what Cheerilee keeps on telling us.” We sat down at the main table, much to Pokey’s chagrin, who scooted away from Jerry as much as possible and shot me a dirty look. I couldn’t quite blame him though. Apple Bloom wasted no time in bombarding the human with questions. Big Mac nodded approvingly at me. 

Lyra tapped me on the shoulder, showing me her notebook. Thank you for inviting me and Jerry over.  she added a smiley face underneath her text.

“Heh heh, don’t mention it.” I was doing my best to ignore the chorus of murmurs and complaints rising up from the other ponies. Maybe if I show the other ponies I’m actually giving him a chance, they’ll ease up on him. “So, Mr. Jerry, how are you liking Equestria so far?”
           
He broke off from his conversation with Apple Bloom and turned to me. “Well, there’s no place like home, that’s for sure. But of all the places to be stuck, this isn’t the worst, even if I started on the wrong foot. Er, hoof.” He took a bite of his food, apparently, he started bringing his own forks and spoons. “You know, this corn hash is really great. Send my compliments to the chef.”

“That’d be Grannie Smith, and our su chef, Apple Bloom” Big Mac said. 

“Ah cut the corn all by myself!” Apple Bloom chirped.

Jerry ate another spoonful. “It’s like my mom used to make. Y’know, this’d be really good with some country fried steak.” My jaw dropped. Did he just say that aloud?

 
As soon as the words left his mouth he smacked his hand over his mouth in shock.  I heard Pokey gasp. Immediately the murmur of conversation was gone; it was so quiet, you could a ladybug yawn. A plate crashed to the ground that nobody bothered to pick up. I dangered a look around and winced. Every single pony was staring at him, mouth agape. you could almost read their thoughts on their faces.

Carnivore.
Murderer.
Cannibal.

Not only did he eat cows, but he knew ways to cook them. Lyra looked almost as panicked as the human. Even Big Mac was at a loss of words.

Only Apple Bloom sat, brow furrowed. Finally, she broke the silence. “Steaks. Ya mean the things you put in the ground?”

>  A Friend in Need (Cheerilee)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“So where are you going again?” somepony asked me for the millionth time.  

“Appleloosa. Visiting family.” Would it have killed Pinkie to write that on the banner? I took a sip from the punch glass. Celestia knows I needed a good drink right about then. Much to my chagrin, it was free of any rum. 

“I didn’t know you had like... a family, and stuff,” Pokey said nonchalantly. He smoothed back his mane and flashed me a flirtatious look. 

I forced a polite smile. “Yes, I do, and I’m sure you have many questions about them, don’t you?” 

“Well yeah. It’s just that you’ve never mentioned them before, and I’m a little curious where you came from before you lived in Ponyville.”

“Excuse me for a moment,” I scowled. That’s a rather personal question, isn’t it? I walked to the back room of Sugarcube Corner, and threw on my saddlebags. Quietly, I opened the door, and galloped away from the party, leaving the chattering of the ponies behind.


In retrospect, I felt a little guilty for leaving the party early. 

Well, not really. As much as Pinkie cared enough to arrange a gathering to send me off, I felt like she threw it more for the sake of having a party then for me.

I was still filled with nervous energy. I slowed to a canter and took a deep breath of the autumn breeze. I glanced at the the train schedule in my bag, then the clock tower. Leaving the party granted me an hour to... to... do absolutely nothing. Still, wandering around aimlessly was better than being subjected to a game of twenty questions with every single pony.

Frankly, I would have preferred if Pinkie had not thrown a going away party at all. I wanted a more low key exit from Ponyville, without everypony prying about the family I left behind. I made all the arrangements for a long term substitute teacher, preparing lesson plans for the next three months, and even an extra two weeks in case I was delayed. Poor Pip Squeak nearly cried when I told the class I would be gone until after Hearth's Warming Eve. 

As I aimlessly wondered around the marketplace, I wondered how Blackcherry looked now. Apparently she was married, and with foal. I tried to imagine her with a big swollen belly, and fought a pang of remorse that I hadn't been there for such a big step in her life. I’d been to plenty of weddings, some where I was only vaguely acquainted with the bride or groom, but I hadn't gone to my own sister’s wedding. 

“What the hell do you want?” my ears perked at the hostility. I looked around, only to see it was not directed at me, but at a human. Wait, Walker? What’s he doing out in the middle of the day, and without a tool belt? Usually he works only in the morning, with Lucky. And where was Lucky? And why was he so pink? He seemed shaky on his legs, and he had a yellowed bruise on his cheek. 

He gestured to the sign advertising the salespony’s wares (Special! Dozen eggs, only 6 bits!). “You sell eggs I take it?”.

“What’s it to you?” the salespony said, spitting on the ground. His loogie nearly hit Walker's boot, and he shifted his foot back uncomfortably. 

“Umm... I would like to buy some.” He gave a nervous grin, and nudged a stack of shiny bits across of the counter. 

“Ah was under the impression you lost yer taste fer birds and moved on to cows.” What? How did other ponies find that his tastes were more... diverse?

“That was just a misunderstanding--”

“And if you dare even look funny at any critter on my farm again, so help me Celestia, I’ll... I’ll..” He paused mid-growl, trying to think of a suitable threat. “I’ll...Shoot ya! Yeah, that's it. I'll shoot ya!”

“Wait, what do you mean 'again'?”

“Ah mean, if you come ripping up the place like ya did last time, Mr. Colt Anaconda here is gonna rip you a new one.” He pulled his gun out of a drawer, and put it within hoof's reach on the counter.

"You mean when Lucky and I fixed your fence? We just needed to move the animals aside so they didn't escape."

"Ponyfeathers! You came in the middle of the night, making a racket and banging all over my property!" He clutched the revolver between his front hooves. "Now stay away from my house, my farm, my kids, my wife, and most of all, stay away from my stand!"

“That's because we work at night! Could you stop waving your god damned gun around for half a second so I can explain what I did?”

“I already know what you did.” There was a crowd forming, and a nearby police officer was eyeing the situation warily. 

Walker pinched his brow in frustration, and let out an exasperated sigh. “Gah, never mind. Sir, I just need some eggs—”

“And what do you plan on using them for?”

“Um, baking a cake?” He nudged the bits closer.

“You want these eggs, don’tcha?” He said with a smirk. “forty five bits per egg.”

“But the sign says—”

“I don’t give a damn what the sign says. You can pay forty five bits or you can go buck yourself!”

“What? Why?” Walker shouted in frustration. 

“Buck You, That’s why!” 

“God damn it. I’ll give ten bits a dozen.” He slammed another few bits onto the table.

“Forty five an egg.”

Walker was well aware that his strategy wasn't working. He paused for a minute, planning out his approach. I bit my hoof. Should I do something? “Come on... I really really need these. I’ll give you five bits an egg,” he said with a renewed cordiality.

“Well, since you really need them... fifty bits.”

“I only have thirty four bits you jackass!” Walker balled his fist, and slammed it down on the table, sending the coins tumbling in air. 

“Hey!” the earth pony drew the revolver closer. “Don’t make me use this thing! I loaded it with varmint shot, just for nasty little omnivores like you!”  

“You’re a god damn horse! How the hell are you supposed fire a gun?”

The salespony gazed quizzically at the weapon in his hooves, asking himself the same question.  “Worst three hundred bits I ever spent,” he muttered to himself. He raised his voice, “Officer! I’m being harassed by a crazed animal! Help! Help!”

The police pony snapped to attention, and began shoving his way through the crowd of ponies.  Walker immediately drew away from the stand, arms held out  “Okay, okay, I’m leaving!” The salesepony snickered, and swept all of the bits Walker had left on the counter into a drawstring purse. “Hey I need those!” he said, and started for the salespony again. The officer had summoned his companion. The were two were readying a net. Oh dear. I've only seen them bring out the net for Manticores.


“Walker!” I shouted as I pushed my way through the crowd. He stopped and turned to me. I trotted up to him and whispered to him. “What in the name of Tartarus do you think you’re doing, threatening a salespony?”

“He was threatening me! And he took my money!”

“Excuse me ma’am, is this human your pet?”

“Hey buddy, I’m not a god damn--” I silenced Walker with a hasty kick to the nethers. He buckled over into a small ball. Okay, maybe it was a little excessive, but if I hadn't done so, there's no telling what would have happened. 

“Why...yes! Sorry, he can get a little feisty when I don’t walk him for a while.” The officer glanced at Walker who was now whimpering. I gave a big grin, because grins mean that I've got the situation under control, and the police ponies don’t need to be netting anyone today. The unicorn officer murmured something to his Earth Pony compatriot. I flashed them a bigger grin.

He narrowed his eyes.“Just make sure you keep him on a leash. Somepony could have gotten hurt. Next time, I’ll have to fine you.” He again looked scornfully at Walker, who was rolling around the ground with tears in his eyes. “And consider getting him fixed, while you’re at it.”

“Okay, will do officers!” I gave a chuckle and waved as they left. Quickly, I grabbed Jerry, and led him to a less traveled street, away from the eyes of the vendors who’d had gathered around the scene. I turned to him once the coast was clear of the flower ponies, and other prying eyes. He still was doubled over, looking at me, hurt and betrayed. “Walker, what happened back there?”

“I don’t know anymore... I was just trying to buy some eggs. The next thing I know I have a pony waving a gun in my face; then I get kicked in the most painful area possible...” He gave me a dirty look.

“Sorry! If I didn’t do anything to make you stop talking, they would have netted you, dragged you, and dumped you back into the Everfree forest.”

“Couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, tapped me on the shoulder or something?”

I stared up at him. “But I can’t reach that high...” 

“Arggh! Just don’t, kick me again. Okay?” He managed to right himself and sit on a crate.

Was this the same human I had let into my class just a few weeks ago? What happened to the Walker with the worn clothes and unkempt hair, answering the tactless questions of fifth grade foals with politeness and civility? Who was this well groomed, boorish creature accosting vendors over eggs? I had to admit, his new appearance was a bit of an improvement. But he still looked haggard, although I may be partially to blame for that.

"What happened to you? To you face?"

"Besides somepony hoofing me in the groin?" 

"Sorry..."

"It's fine. Whatever. I've just been having a rough couple of weeks. I'm not working for Big Macintosh anymore."

"Why? Did the harvest end early?"

"I got fired, I guess you could say. Well, more like chased away by a mob," he said dejectedly. "The long and short of it is I'm not welcome back."

I gasped. Did the Apple family really chase Walker away? "Did Big Mac... run you off the farm?"

"No, but he and his sister certainly didn't try very hard to stop it."

"That's terrible! What could you have possibly done to get an angry mob after you?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

I eyed him quizzically. "Does this have something to do with what that stallion said about you eating cows?"

"Yeah, kinda... I accidentally made an off-hand comment. Apparently cows are sentient thinking, feeling, talking creatures here. So now everypony basically thinks I'm a heartless cannibal."

My stomach twisted into a knot and I grimaced. The last thing I wanted to be thinking about was Walker's dietary preferences. "Cows don't talk where you're from?"

He noted my discomfort and steered the conversation back to more polite territory. "No, but I digress. So anyway, I'm out of a job, and everypony at that farm wants me back in the Everfree forest. The only thing keeping me here in Ponyville is Lucky, and he's been acting weird lately."

"You would leave Ponyville if you couldn't get a job?" That's odd. Walker didn't seem like the kind to be deterred by a couple of the "No Humans Allowed" signs I've been seeing around town.

"I would be kicked out, by her majesty's servant, the great and powerful Twilight Sparkle." He mock-bowed to an imaginary dignitary, and then sat back down on his crate, defeated. "She says that If I'm not employed, I'm just a liability or some nonsense. I've been staying in Derpy's house all week, letting the all the townsfolk calm down before I go walking around in public again. And bam! Twilight Sparkle shows up at the door in the middle of the day. It's just me, so I pretend no one's home. 

"She leaves a note, and when I read it, it's about the whole cow incident, and how she needs to have a conversation with Derpy about my 'relocation back into the wild'."

"Oh dear... did you show Derpy the note?"

He covered his face with his hands. "Yeah, I had to explain what happened at the farm. God bless her heart for not kicking me out of her house right then and there. She's still really upset, though."

I patted him on the shoulder reassuringly, seeing as it was finally in reach. "Having known Derpy for a few years now, I'm sure a few carrot cake muffins will get you on her good side."

"I would go to the bakery if I could find it, but not many ponies seem keen on giving me directions."

I glanced up at the clock tower. I had forty-five minutes until my train came. I looked at the beaten and defeated human in front of me. "Tell you what Walker, I'll bring you to Sugar Cube Corner so you can buy some muffins." I might as well stop by and see If I can get some gifts for Blossom and Blackcherry.

"Hopefully they're not too pricey. I'm down ten bits on eggs I didn't even get to buy, " he said, grumbling. 

We began walking. "Why is it so important that you get eggs? Why not have Derpy pick some up for you?"

"I don't think I'm in the position to be asking her to get... those kinds of food for me. The real question is, do you want to know about what I eat? That seems to be the real taboo subject these days."

I shrugged. "We eat eggs. Usually they're just for baking, but I've been known to have a few omelettes every now and then. Just don't talk about other animals."

"Okay then. We humans need protein, and lots of it. I haven't been able to get much protein since I got fired, and it's starting to effect me." He rolled up his sleeve, revealing a big bruise on his arm. "This should have healed by now, and the one on my face." 

I winced. "How did you get that?" 

"It was some unicorn by the name of Pokey Pierce.  When everypony was freaking out, he shoved me down, and I guess I landed wrong."

"I'm really sorry that working for the Apple family turned out so poorly for you."  

"There is a bit of a silver lining. I made a new friend."

"Oh?" Walker was drawing looks from the pedestrians. I decided to go a more roundabout route, just to avoid going through the marketplace again. I wasn't keen on being at the scene of a commotion twice in one day.

We turned the corner, following a street lined with trees. The foilage was just hitting peak fall colors. Red and golden leaves were dislodging from the trees and floating away with every shift in the breeze.

"Her name's Lyra. She invited me over for dinner this Friday," he said with a grin.

"That's nice..." I faked a smile and inwardly face-hoofed. While this was great news for Walker, I coudn't say the same for Lyra. For a Canterlot girl, she finds herself in a lot of bad situations. She has had enough problems just from her last coltfriend. The last thing she needed was to be seen hanging out with Ponyville's latest and greatest pariah.

"I see you have your bags packed. Are you going somewhere?"

Not this again. "I'm visiting family in Appleloosa for a while."

"Is that a part of Ponyville?"

"No, it's a settlement very far from here. It's a shame you weren't able to sit in on one of my geography lessons," I chuckled.

"Lord knows I could use one. Maybe I could even find my way back home." 

"I was under the impression that you were planning on making this place your home."

"If I could somehow get back to my own place, back where there are other humans and my family..." he trailed off. "I miss them a lot. I wish I could see my brother again." That's odd. I didn't think of Walker as having a family. Well, that's what everypony was saying about me not even an hour before.

"I haven't seen my sisters in a while, either," I admitted.

He looked me in the eyes, searching. "How long has it been? I haven't seen my brother since, well, since I got here."

I gave a mirthless laugh. "I haven't seen my family in five years. I haven't even written to them." 

Walker stopped in his tracks. "Five years. Five years. Like this many?" He held his hand, fingers splayed. I quickly counted his digits, and then nodded. "Is Appleloosa really that far?"

"Not that far." I kept on walking.

He jogged to catch up with me. "Why haven't you visited them at least once in all this time?"

I sighed. "I didn't exactly part on the best of terms with my family."  Walker looked inquisitively at me, wanting me to go on. I stayed silent.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Nope." We walked for a moment, the only sound was the crunching of leaves beneath our steps. 

"Truth be told, neither did I. You know what the last words I spoke to my dad and brother were? I told them both they could go to hell, among other things. I just stormed off on them. I haven't gotten the chance to apologize, let alone speak to them."

"You don't seem like the type to get angry and curse. Well, except for when ponies don't sell you eggs. What made you so mad?"

He gave a dry laugh. "I wasn't exactly known for being calm back where I'm from. I just realized after my incident with Fluttershy that the calmer I stayed, the better things went for me.

"My dad planned on retiring. I was going to take over his job, but he thought I wasn't ready, so at the last minute, he gave the job to my older brother."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." 

He gave me yet another expectant look. Okay, my turn, I guess. Reluctantly, I began. "Do you remember what I told you about cutie marks? About how having a different talent than the rest of your family can tear your family apart? Well, that was the story with me and my family. I was raised on a cherry farm, part of a clan of cherry farmers. And when I got this," I gestured to my cutie mark. "everything went to hell. There wasn't a school anywhere close to my family's farm. My dad wanted to me to stay and work the farm. He refused to let me leave."

"What happened?"

"I'm here, aren't I? After a big argument with my father, I snuck off in the middle of the night. My sisters tried to stop me. They followed me to the train station, and tackled me on the platform, begging me not to go. The only reason I was able to board the train to Ponyville on time was because I pretended they were just two ruffians trying to steal my luggage. A few ponies managed to pull them off me, and I ran aboard. The last time I saw them was from a train window as they were explaining themselves to the only two guards in that podunk little station." I swallowed hard.  "So there. That's my story." 





We arrived at Sugar Cube Corner. It seemed unusually noisy, so I peaked through the window. Why were there so many decorations set up? And why were there so many ponies just lounging around? I face-hoofed, this was the party Pinkie threw for me. "Walker, you better stay outside." I reentered the party, which was now beginning to ebb. Some of the ponies had already left. I spotted Pinkie Pie in the corner with Oatmeal. 

Unsurprisingly, the two mares were too engrossed in their gossiping to notice me enter. "I heard he likes the taste of pegasus wings, Buffalo style!"  Pinkie said in a shout of equal parts exuberance and fright. 

"You know what I heard? I heard he eats Steak," Oatmeal said. 

Pinkie gasped. "Oh my Celestia! Wait, what's steak?"

"I hear it's what griffins call it when they cut up a living cow, and then throw pieces of it into a fire," Oatmeal said, her voice tremulous in fright. I rolled my eyes and ignored the rest of their chatter. As macabre as his dietary habits were, Walker wasn't anywhere near as bad as ponies made him out to be. Speaking of dietary habits, I eyed the dessert table. I surreptitiously slipped some muffins and other miscellaneous baked goods into a paper bag. Hopefully Blossom still likes eclairs as much as she did as a filly. 

I began to weave my way through the crowd. "Cheerilee, Where did you go? It's really weird not seeing the guest of honor," Pinkie Pie said. "And not even a party hat?" She clicked her tongue disapprovingly at me, and slapped a cardboard cone onto my head.

"Oh! Um, I just ran out to get my train schedule, and I realized that my train is leaving sooner than expected. So, I'll just be leaving now." She caught me by the shoulder before I could take a step.

"Attention everypony! Cheerilee is leaving for realsies! Let's all say goodbye! One, two, three! Bye Cheerilee!"	

"Bye Cheerilee," the group repeated. Pinkie's enthusiasm nearly drowned out the group's more reserved farewell. I waved, and then ducked out the front entrance. It occurred to me that this was probably going be the last time I heard that name for a while.

"CHEERILEE!" My ears were assaulted by a chorus of enthralled cheers the moment I stepped onto the porch. Well, that was sooner than expected. I felt little limbs wrap around my forelegs, nearly causing me to drop my bag of pastries, and sending my party hat tumbling to the ground.

"Hello Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo," I said, as soon as I recognized the girls. Scootaloo offered me a pink envelope signed by all three of the little fillies. "What's this?"

"We made you a going away card!" Sweetie Belle said. 

"Oh girls, you didn't have to do that for me!"

"But we did anyways!" Scootaloo said. I opened the card, revealing a crayon drawing of the three friends and me in the middle. I felt a smile break out onto my face. I read the foalish writing.

We'll miss you Cheerilee! (Best Teacher Ever!!!) 
Love your students, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaflu -loo

I felt tears welling up in my eyes. How can you not love these kids... at least when they're not using love potions to set you up on dates. I stashed the letter into my saddlebags and drew the three fillies into a hug. "I'll miss you too, girls."

"Where are ya going anyways, Ms. Cheerilee? Ya never told us why you were leaving, either." Apple Bloom asked. 

Always the inquisitive one. I wiped a tear from my face, and gave another smile. "Just... visiting Appleloosa for a while." She reminded me of Blossom, a little bit. I was sensing another question regarding my visit coming up. Best nip that in the bud.  "Now, all of you promise me you'll be good little fillies for the teacher that'll be filling in for me."

"We promise!" 

Apple Bloom suddenly craned her head. "Mr. Jerry!" Walker, who was sitting on a bench looked up at us. "C'mon Sweetie Belle, bring the picnic basket." The earth pony and the unicorn raced over to greet the human. 

"Hey Apple Bloom! It's good to see you." He ruffled her mane. "Who's your friend?"

"I'm Sweetie Belle! My sister made your clothes!" she said.

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Sweetie Belle," he said with a smile, and then turned to Apple Bloom. "I'm surprised. I thought that after... what happened, your sister didn't wouldn't let you anywhere near me." 

"She wouldn't!" Jerry went pale. "That's why me and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo made you an 'ah'm sorry everypony got mad and kicked you off of the farm and my brother fired you' present." The two fillies opened the picnic basket. "We wanted to give you something that an omnivore would like, so we asked Spike what he liked to eat!"

"Spike's an omnivore? Is that another human!?!"

"Nope! He's a dragon," Sweetie Belle exclaimed. Walker's disappointment was palpable. The two fillies paid no heed and began unpacking the contents of the basket.

I looked at the orange filly, still planted beside me. Why was she pressing her wings against her sides as hard as possible? "Scootaloo, if you helped make the present, why aren't you there showing it to Mr. Walker?"

She started scraping the ground with her hoof, and avoided my gaze. "Flitter told me he likes how Pegasus feathers taste." Oh dear. "Besides, it was Apple Bloom's idea anyways. I just helped her find a couple of things."

Apple Bloom was rambling again. "We also you got a slice of hay pizza, a can of worms, this fish we found beached on the river bank, and a couple of gemstones, Spike's favorite!" 

"Thank you Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, this means a lot to me." 

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Whatever guys. Can we do something else now?" 

"We gotta go Mr. Walker, but ah'll be sure to make AJ apologize next time we see you."

"I think I should be the one apologizing to her. Please tell her I'm sorry about everything that happened," Walker said

Apple Bloom pouted. "Ah dunno, it seems like mah sister was the one being stubborn."

"Apple Bloom, Mr. Walker is right. It'd be much better if you sent his apology to your family,"  I said.

"Um all right, if you say so Cheerilee. Have a safe trip!"  Apple Bloom said. After an extra round of goodbyes, the fillies left for whatever shenanigans they had planned. My heart went out to the residents of Ponyville who would have to deal with the trio's misadventures.  

I went back to Walker. "That was awfully sweet of her." I surveyed the various food items they gathered for him. I found myself holding my nose. Did they go dumpster diving to find all of this? The pizza was the only thing that looked even remotely appetizing. It's the thought that counts, I suppose. "Can you actually eat any of this stuff?"

He shook his head. "Well, maybe the fish."

"I'm pretty sure I saw something crawl out of it."

He shrugged. "I can make it work. God knows I need the nutrition right now."

I made a face, and I fished out the bag of muffins. "Better throw these in there." I watched him dump out every bit of nasty food save the fish and the gemstones. I looked at the clock tower. I had twelve minutes to catch my train. "I better head to to the station now."

"I'll walk you there." I was about to protest, but thought better of it. I could use the company. "Five years without saying a peep to your family? I can't imagine going a fifth of my life without seeing my dad."

I peered at him. While he seemed to be an adult, he didn't mention having a family of his own. "You're twenty-five?  Is that old for humans?"

"Not really. Is that old for ponies?"

"If I was twenty five, I would probably have a few foals by now. I would probably be teaching most of them." 

"If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?"

"Walker, you should know better than to ask a lady her age."  He started fumbling an apology. "Oh hush, I'm just teasing. I'm seventeen."

"When I was seventeen, I was still in school."

"Is that normal for humans?" 

"Yeah. I started school when I was six, and ended when I was eighteen." 

My jaw dropped. "What were you learning that took twelve years to study?"

He shrugged. "Lots of stuff. Reading, writing, history, AP physics." He grimaced at the last item on his list. With that diverse academic background, this human could probably teach my class, and then some. "How old do you think Twilight Sparkle is?"

"She's fourteen."

"And how old is her mentor, this Celestia pony?"

"Celestia is 3,423 years old as of August." 

"Now I'm just confused."

"Well, she is a goddess."

We arrived at the station. The guards perked up at the sight of Walker. They clenched their spears tightly. He smiled. "It looks like this is where we part ways."

"Do you have the muffins, and your fish?" He nodded.  It's a shame he couldn't get the eggs as well. That vendor was hell bent on giving him a hard time. If only he had someone to buy the eggs for him... A smile crept across my face. "Jerry, stay right here."

"What?"

If you didn't need to travel off the main thoroughfare, the marketplace was a short trot from the train station. Within moments, I was back. The stallion was at his egg stand, and he was still open for business. He gave me a toothy smile. “How’dya do, miss?”

“Quite well.” 

“Ya see all that commotion that human was causing a little while ago? I thought I saw your pretty face in the crowd.”

“Er, I got a glimpse of it. Lucky thing it ended quickly.”

“Ah, I was banking on the guards dragging him away. Who knows what that wily little omnivore might do next. Anyways, what can I get you, sweet flank?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively. Could we do this whole exchange, but without the sleazy advances?

"I would like a dozen eggs." I quickly placed six bits on the tray.

"For you? three bits." He hoofed me a bag, and threw the spare coins back in there. He made a kissy face. 

"Oh. Um, thanks." I was sure to back away from him before turning around. I did not want that stallion checking out my flank. 

I trotted back to find Jerry standing against the wall of the train station, the basket close by. He was absent-mindedly fiddling with the beads of a necklace. I pulled out the carton of eggs, and hoofed it to him.  "After everything you've been through, somepony ought to make it up to you."

He took a look at the eggs in his hands, and his eyes began to tear. He knelt down, and threw his arms around my neck, pressing our cheeks together. "Thank you, Cheerilee." The guards looked at Jerry in alarm, and readied their spears, evidently thinking he was trying to strangle me. I waved them off, and then wrapped my hoof around him. Jerry didn't seem to notice the guards' reaction. As much as he ends up putting his hoof in his mouth, and scaring everypony out of their wits, he's a good friend. Who knows? We accepted Zecora into Ponyville. Maybe the same will happen to Jerry, eventually.

"Jerry, call me by my real name."

"What's that?"

"Cherryseed." I gave him one last hug, and boarded the train. "Take care of yourself Jerry, and stay out of trouble."

He gave a weary smile. "I'll try."

I took a seat, and waved goodbye to Jerry through the window as the train began pulling away. l waved farewell. Soon, the sight of Ponyville slipped away. Within a couple of hours, I would be seeing my family again.

	
> The Human (Spike)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I browsed through the shelves, until my eye caught what I was looking for. I scrambled to the top of the ladder, and pulled out the dusty old tome. The Monster Manual: Version 3.5. "Twilight, I think I found it!"

She magicked the book over to herself, and began flipping through the pages.  I slid down the ladder and began cleaning up all the note paper scattered on the floor. I looked at Twilight. She wasn't quite on the verge of a breakdown, but she had a certain restlessness to her, never having all four hooves planted on the ground at any given moment. She was constantly muttering under her breath, whether she was reading, scribbling down notes, or just making herself something to eat. She had been like this for a couple of days, a relatively minor research binge for Twilight. 

"Mostly harmless!?!" I heard her groan. "Mostly harmless? Is that all these damned books ever have to say? I swear to Celestia, these encyclopedias just plagiarize off of each other. Would it kill anypony to actually do original research?" 

"I thought that's what you were doing." I examined one of sketches of the human she had made. She had a picture of the human in front and in profile, with notes scribbled in the margin. Half-Minotaur? There was an arrow pointing to the end of his extremities. claws fingers?  I looked at my own digits holding the page. There was an uncomfortable resemblance.

"Only by necessity! I'll write an article about the species once I figure out this whole crisis." She flung the book aside, and started flipping through another book frantically. I wished that she would stop making a mess, especially since Mayor Mare was going to be meeting with her within the quarter hour.

I collected the book --as well as a few others strewn about the library in her cyclone of research-- and climbed back up the ladder to put them back into place."I don't get what the big deal is about. It seems like the human wants to fit in, from what I've seen."  Applebloom was probably the only one in the town making him feel welcome. In fact, she seemed like the only pony who wasn't afraid of him. She had stopped by a couple of days ago to ask me what omnivores liked to eat. At first, I thought she was arranging a party for me, but my hopes were dashed when she explained she was making a gift basket for him, after what happened on Sweet Apple Acres. 

"That's just the problem, Spike. I don't think he can. You've seen what he did to Fluttershy's chickens. I don't think it's safe to let a creature capable of such atrocities live in our community." 

"I dunno, it just seemed like he was hungry. I mean, doesn't Winona, and everypony else's pets eat other animals?"

"That's different. We only feed them animals that already died."

"But I saw Opalescence go and kill a bird, and try to give it to Rarity. It was really gross. Isn't that the same thing that the human did?"

"The difference is that Opal didn't break into Fluttershy's cottage, take her own kitchen knife, and slaughter a chicken! Opal couldn't hurt a pony. This human is more than capable of doing so. It's one thing to be a carnivore that ponies take care of. It's another thing to be a wild predator, straight from the Everfree forest, living in the middle of town." She looked up from her notes. "Would you want a Manticore living next door to us?"

"I guess not..." I worked in silence for an another moment. "But the human talks, doesn't he?"

"So?"

"Doesn't that make him different from a Manticore?"

"That's what makes this so difficult, Spike. He's a carnivore, but he can talk his way out of things. Frankly, I think that's the only reason why he's still in Ponyville." 

"I've never seen anypony want to kick out a Griffin from Ponyville. They talk, and they kill other animals."

"Well, Griffins are different. They are civilized. They know better than to try to eat pony's pets, and they would never try to eat anything that talks. This human admitted that he ate cows!"

"Gilda sure didn't seem civilized to me..." I grumbled. 

"Mean? Yes. Dangerous? Not so much. Besides, she was only visiting for a couple of days. It's not like she was trying to become a citizen."  

"So what are you going to tell Mayor Mare?"

"I'm going to advise her to do what's best for the human, and for everypony.  Princess Celestia entrusted me and her to handle the situation in her absence. I believe that all parties would be better off if he relocated somewhere far away from Ponyville."

"So you're going to kick him out."

Twilight frowned. "Well, when you say it like that, it seems a little unfair."

"But it is. What has he done, killed a chicken? I've destroyed buildings, and you never tried to get me kicked out of town."

"Spike, You weren't in control of yourself. It was Dragon's Greed that made you do that." She put down her books, and trotted over to lay a hoof on my shoulder. "Besides, you are my number one assistant. I couldn't live without you here."
She gave me a reassuring smile.

"Thanks Twilight. I just think that everypony's making a bigger deal than they should about the human."

"Spike, I know it's hard to understand, but the human scares ponies. You've seen Fluttershy's cottage." I recalled that she was busy installing a third dead bolt on her door the last time I had visited. "And you've been hearing what ponies have been saying about him, that he loves to eat cows and Pegasi wings. When he worked at sweet apple acres, he threatened Caramel with a knife before they kicked him off the farm. Somepony even told me that he was abandoned by his pack  because he tried to eat another human." I gasped. Twilight continued. "We want you in Ponyville because we know that you would never hurt somepony on purpose. We just can't say the same about the human. He's caused mayhem twice now. I don't want to give him a chance to really hurt somepony."

I shuddered, but held my ground. "Twilight, you can't believe all of those rumors, can you?"

"I don't know what's true anymore. Roseluck says this, Oatmeal says that, and I'm not sure who is right. Some of the stories seem exaggerated, but I can't discredit anythng until I know solid facts. All I know for certain is that three ponies saw him point a knife at Caramel back at Sweet Apple Acres."

"Did you ask AJ what happened?"

"She told me that she's not sure what happened. She was trying to keep everypony calm when all hell broke loose, and the human got chased away. AJ said that not many of the farm hands came back after that day."

There was a knocking on the door. "That's probably the mayor," I said. Twilight gathered her scattered notes into a stack, and then made her way to the door.

I looked back at the drawing of the human's hands, and then back at my own claws. The human didn't look all that menacing, just a little tall. I'm surprised that everypony was freaking out about it. Then again, Ponyville seems to freak out over anything, be it Parasprites or bunny stampedes. I flipped over the paper.

List of possible matches for human's relocation:
Diamond Dogs
Griffins
Buffalo
Minotaurs
Dragons. 

I felt a lump form in my throat. Was I really classed among all of these undesirables? Did Twilight put my species on the same list as Diamond Dogs? I was struck by a horrifying realization. "I'm not a citizen of Ponyville, am I?" I asked.

Twilight stopped in her tracks. "What? No Spike, you're not old enough to be a legal citizen."

"But when I'm older, when I'm a big old dragon, who can't fit through the door anymore. Am I going to be a citizen of Ponyville? Am I going to be able to vote? Have a home?" 

"Spike, now isn't exactly the best time--" 

"Am I just going to be like the human? Nopony wanting me in town because I'm big and scary? Only allowed to live on the fringes of equine society?"

"Spike, don't say that. You'll always have a place here." Another knock on the door tore her attention away from me.

"Then what am I, if I'm not a citizen of Ponyville?"

"It's a little complicated. We'll have to discuss it later." Twilight opened the door, and put on a cheery smile for the Mayor. She entered the library, and a few leaves tumbled in after her. "Hello, Mayor Mare, have a seat, please." The two mares walked over to the living quarters.

"But Twilight--" I grabbed her hoof.

She pulled her leg free, without even glancing down at me. "Spike, let the ponies talk."
> The Pedestrian (Lucky)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Thump.

Thump. 

Thump. 



Where did I go wrong? I saw those golden eyes, her coy smile. In an instant, she was gone, like a wisp of a melody that echoed through my dreams. How could serendipity turn against me, and take away the precious gift it had so generously bestowed? Perhaps a mare is like a rabbit. If you mean to catch a rabbit, you musn’t try to grapple it. Instead, you have to win its trust, before you make your intentions clear.
 
Did I come on too strong? I scoffed at the very idea; I'll be damned if she didn't feel the same way. Things were going so well. I only wanted to tell her how much she meant to me. And yet, that selfsame action meant to affirm my love was the one that drove a wedge between us. Such an irony that words “I love you”, meant to convey the strength of our bound, could chase her away. If only she’d realized that she doesn’t have to be afraid of love, that she could open her heart to another.  I must win her back, Celestia help me, if it’s the last thing I do.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

There’s a reason why my cutie mark is a clover and why my name is Lucky. I’ve always relied on serendipity, like when I met Lyra. Most stallions wouldn’t have the balls to start a conversation with the mare who's next in line, let alone continue on when they found out she was mute. Normally I wouldn’t either, but it was Thursday, and well, I felt lucky.

Cocky?

Very. 

There we were, stuck in a huge line waiting to buy some anise. The line sure wasn’t moving anywhere. As fortune would have it, I was behind the most beautiful green mare I've ever laid eyes on. If I had ever felt cupid’s arrow strike, it was the moment I saw her. I managed to muster the courage to speak to her. “Well, uh, hi there. Are you new to town? I haven’t seen you around here before,” I said, moving up next to her.

I noticed she had a little note pad, attached to a string, slung around her neck. A journalist? No, what would a journalist be doing with a cutie mark of a lyre? She levitated a pen to it, and started scratching words down faster than I could keep my eyes on the bobbing tip of her pen. She brought the little notebook to eye level.

I moved here from Canterlot a few months ago. Have you lived here for a while? Her writing was a sight to behold, curvy and feminine. The same could be said about her other attributes, if you catch my drift.
 
I smiled. “Not talking? Cat got your tongue? I do have that effect on ladies, sometimes.”

She gave a silent chuckle. More writing. Something like that. What’s your name?

“My name is Lucky. What’s yours?”

I’m Lyra.

I squinted at the paper. "How do you say that? Lee-Ra?"

Instead of speaking, she once again sought her notebook. Lye-Rah. Lyra. Well cross my heart and hope to fly! She really didn't have a voice. 

That’s how I met her. By the time she was paying for her fennel, I asked her out to lunch. She smiled demurely, and accepted my invitation. Can you believe it? Such a pretty little thing, with lovely golden eyes, and I was the first stallion to ask her on a date since she moved to Ponyville. Right then and there, in the market place, we grabbed some food. I brought her to that restaurant near the center of town, with the real snooty waiter. We sat down at one of the tables, and boy did we hit it off. I always had a sense for these kinds of things. She was a Canterlot mare, who moved to town little while after the Summer Sun Festival fiasco last year. She came here to make it on her own as a musician. I won't bore you with the details. Just let it be known that I was right and quick in courting her. Within the month, I was seeing her practically every day. 

Every day I spent with her was like a pocketful of sunshine, even if her nosy roommate Bon Bon wasn't too fond of me. I didn't give a damn. I was in young and in love. I was on top of the world with her by my side. We spent every weekend together, exploring the streets of Ponyville, going to trips and festivals. I went to each of her concerts and recitals. I even surprised her at some of the practices. A couple of weeks before things started going south, she had even bought me a flute, and was going to teach me to play. Her friends were my friends, except for Bon Bon, but who's counting her? And no matter what, we always found a way to share a meal. 

What do you mean? Of course I asked her to be my marefriend! It just took me a while to work up the nerve. No, it did not happen like that. If you must know, I asked her to be my marefriend on the day of Winter Wrap Up. Instead of clearing that field, I just plowed away the snow into a message for her. I managed to spell out Lyra, Will You Be My Ma, before Applejack saw me  and nagged my ear off about my productivity. 

She looked at my message critically. "What the hay is this?" Then her eyes brightened with comprehension, and she gave a knowing smirk. 

I dropped the plow and blushed. "Umm..."

"Just be sure to actually clear the field once you show your fillyfriend, lover boy."

I finished the rest of the message, then examined my work. Lyra, will you be my marefriend? I pulled her away from her duties to show her my masterpiece. I still remember her expression when she saw it. My gut was tying itself in knots. She gave this huge grin, and then she nodded her head, and gave me a peck on the lips. I could have died and gone to heaven right then. I had everything I wanted out of life, a decent job, a place to stay, and the most beautiful mare in Ponyville by my side. Call me a Pegasus, because I was walking on air. 

I'd had big plans for the future. I was fixing up this house I bought at the edge of town. It was big enough for a family. I was saving up some spare bits to buy her a ring. From the moment I met her, I was ready to make an honest mare out of her. Of course I didn't tell her about the house. At least, not initially.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Where did it all go wrong? It kept on coming back to the same question, and of course, the same answer. The moment the words "I love you" slipped out my mouth was the moment that it all went wrong.

We were ready to move on to the next stage in our relationship, to move in together. I decided to surprise her by bringing her to the house I was fixing up, and telling her that this is where we were going to be living from then on.

When I showed her the house, she told me that Bon Bon didn't want her moving in with me. I told her that it didn't matter what Bon Bon thought, and we could be happy here together. In retrospect, it wasn't the best time to force the point. She had been arguing with Bon Bon over it for the last few days. On top of that, she hurt herself while I was showing her the house. 

I realized I shouldn't be adding anymore stress, so I got an ice pack for her eye. I brought her to a fancy restaurant, to help her get her mind off of the problem. I thought it would be a nice treat to go back to the same restaurant where we had our first date. The poor thing was nearly crying by the time we got there. She didn't respond to anything I said the whole time, and she avoided my gaze. I knew that I had to cheer her up, to make things right again, so I said what had been on my mind for a long time coming. 

"I love you."  




The words hung in the empty air.

She finally looked up at me after a painful moment of silence. First a look of bewilderment; and then, she started crying harder. She ran into the restroom. I was a nervous wreck. I know she was having a bad day, but I thought my expression of love would have made her day a thousand times over. I waited for ten minutes, nervously fidgeting with my glass of water. Eventually she came back to the table, but didn't sit down. She was flanked by one of her blue Unicorn friends who worked there. She levitated a note to me.

I have to go home with Colgate. I'll see you tomorrow. She didn't look me in the eye and she didn't smile. She just wore an anxious expression that seemed so ill fitting on a mare who is the embodiment of femininity. She had so much to be happy for: good friends, good health, and a great stallion by her side. 

Beginning the next day, she became withdrawn. Then she stopped meeting me for lunch, she stopped telling me when she was having concerts, and she all together dropped out of my life.

Damn the words that ever left my mouth! Had I known what they would have wrought, I would have sealed my lips shut. If I had only known that she would have left me the moment our relationship was put through the smallest crucible. I should have known that heartless filly was a flight risk. The very instant there was something real, she left me, like the last five months meant nothing to her. After I gave her my heart, she stomped it into the ground. If anything, that unappreciative bitch proved she wasn't worth the mud I scraped off of my hooves. I curse her name, I curse it! 

But how could I live without her? Lyra was the light of my life, and without her, I am but a night sky without my moon. My life without that precious green mare is only a life half-lived. We were so happy together, and there's no way for her to deny it. I need her just as she needs me. All I have to do is show her that she shouldn't fear love. I'm not such a bad guy. I just wanted to show her that I really did love her, and I was ready for the next stage in our relationship. If she wasn't ready for such a big step, I would accept that. Hay, we could start from the beginning for all I cared. As long as she's back in my life, everything will be okay. With Celestia as my witness, I will win her back!

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.

I turned my head and groaned. Who the hell the was knocking on my door at two in the afternoon, and why were they being so persistent about it? Suddenly, I was struck with a glimmer of hope. Two in the afternoon was the hour me and Lyra always grabbed lunch together. Well, dinner for me these days. I kicked off the quilt, and jumped off the couch. "Just a second!" I called out. I ran toward the mirror in the hallway, tripping over a shattered lamp and an empty beer can. I quickly smoothed down my mane, and threw open the front door, heart thumping. "Lyra, I'm soooo glad to see you! I know that—"

"Terribly sorry dear, but it's just me, Rarity."

My heart sank like a stone. The white Unicorn smiled apologetically. "Oh hey, Rarity. Do you need something fixed?"

"Actually, I was having tea and biscuits with one of my acquaintances, and we would love to have you join us."

I looked at Rarity quizzically. "Why?"

"Is it such a crime to invite your neighbor over for tea every now and then?"

"The last time you invited me over for tea, you tried to set me up with one of your Pegasus friends." 

"I can assure you I will do no such thing."

I sighed, and acquiesced. We made the short trot to her boutique. She led me into the kitchen, where she a had a table set for three, cups, saucers and teapot all arranged meticulously. I heard her hoof steps, and then I facehoofed. There the two mares were, my neighbor, and somepony I've never seen before. She was a tannish Pegasus, the color of coffee when you add just a bit too much milk. I glimpsed her cutie mark. Nothing terribly special, just a bowl with a spoon sticking out. She trotted up to me, enthusiastically. "It's nice to finally meet you Lucky! Rarity has been telling me so much about you!" I shot Rarity a glare.

"Aren't you going to introduce yourself?" Rarity said, jabbing me in the rib. I grumbled, and internally debated whether the proceeding awkwardness was going to be worth the free food. I recalled the contents of my fridge: a case of beers, some expired yogurt, and a rotting plate of hay fries. My stomach prevailed. 

I sighed. "Yeah, I'm Lucky. Who are you?"

"I'm Oatmeal. I work at the store across the street from Sugar Cube Corner." She smiled at me, and flipped her mane back. 

"Let's settle down, shall we?" Rarity chimed. 

We made our way to the table and Rarity used her magic to pour us each a steaming cup. It smelled like anise. I sighed. Lyra would have loved this tea. Anise was her favorite, really anything that tasted like licorice. I wondered if Rarity would tell me where I could find it. At the very least, I could drop by Lyra's house under the pretense of wanting to share some tea with her. 

After a few moments of gossiping with Rarity, Oatmeal turned towards me. "So Rarity told me that you're the human-tamer," she said, her blue eyes wide.

"You mean Jerry? he's just my assist—"

"You must be so brave, teaching the human how to fit in." The tan Pegasus batted her eyes at me. "To be in control of such a wild omnivore, you must be really strong too. I think that's it cool that you're trying to socialize the human." She smoothed her mane, and giggled. "You know, every mare loves a hero."

"Thanks, I guess." I took another sip of the tea. Maybe if I don't contribute to the conversation, she'll give up trying to flirt.

She looked at me expectantly. I said nothing. "I wouldn't object to having dinner with you." 

That was certainly forward. "Sorry, but I don't think Lyra would like that." 

Rarity sighed. "Darling, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't believe that Lyra sees the two of you as a couple anymore."

"It doesn't matter. I'm going to win her back," I said matter-of-factly. 

Oatmeal and Rarity exchanged looks. Oatmeal's look was pleading; Rarity's was uncomfortable. Finally, Rarity cleared her throat, and began to speak. "Lucky, may I have a word with you in private?"

We walked out of the kitchen and into the boutique. "I may have been a little too discreet with my intentions. I invited you here so that you could meet Oatmeal, and start courting her." 

"I'm not interested. I'm not going to go see other mares behind my marefriend's back."

"Does she still see herself as your marefriend?"

"It's a little complicated right now,"  I muttered.

"I'm sorry, dear. I just think that maybe it is time for you to move on."

"We're just taking a break." Rarity was beginning to tick me off. 

"I just want you to be perfectly aware that Oatmeal has been asking about you for days. She insisted that I introduce the two of you. She would be crestfallen if you dismissed her without so much as a lunch date. Between you, me, and the floorboards, I think you and Oatmeal would make a lovely couple!"

"Didn't you say the same thing when you tried to set me up with Fluttershy?" I changed my mind. I should have just never have answered the door. As nice as Rarity is, she can be a real pain in the flank sometimes. I started looking around for the nearest exit.

"You weren't exactly amenable to the idea. I thought I might try again. Call me foolish, but I can't stand to watch an eligible stallion such as yourself mope around for so long, and all over some inconsiderate mare who broke his heart months ago! I think it's time you pick yourself up, dust off your coat, and get back in the game."

"I'm not moping!" I stammered. "I'm just, I'm just looking for a way to win her back."

"Win her back?"

"Yes."

"Win her back..." She circled around the kitchen, tapping her hoof against her chin. "You know, if I were Lyra, I would become uncontrollably jealous if I saw you out on a date with a beautiful mare. Say, like our lovely Oatmeal." That was certainly a stretch of the imagination, but Rarity had piqued my interest. She continued. "Just so jealous, I might start wanting you back."

"How can I be sure that Lyra would see us on our date? How does this whole thing work?"

Rarity gave an airy chuckle. "Haven't you ever seen Gone With The Wind? I'm certain you could rearrange your schedule to cross paths with her. I just happen to know that she walks down Horseshoe Lane at six in the evening. There just so happens to be a lovely restaurant on that street." She began telekinetically rummaging through a drawer underneath the counter. "Now it's a little pricey, but It's well worth it to impress Oatmeal."

"You mean, make Lyra jealous."

"Right, right. Lyra, jealousy. All that." She floated the menu to me.

I scanned the prices and grimaced. It was a really fancy restaurant; everything was written in elegant, loopy writing, and there were only a hooffull of menu items, the cheapest of which was upwards of thirty bits. This dinner plan, success or failure, was going to take a chomp out of my budget. But if it meant a chance to have Lyra be part of my life again... I looked at Rarity. "Are you sure this will work? What if Lyra just gets mad?" 

"Darling, that's the intention. I assure you, this will send her flying into your hooves." She paused to look back at the tea table, and winked. "And if it doesn't, then you'll have a new lady friend. Either way, it's a win-win. So what do you say?"

I paused. "I don't know. If she doesn't get jealous, then she'll just think I've moved on."

"If she's anything like me, then she will be curious, if not jealous. The worst case scenario is that she drops by to ask you about Oatmeal."

"Okay. If it means that I might get a second chance with Lyra, I'll do it." Rarity squeed, and led me back into the kitchen. I took my seat. I put on a smile for Oatmeal. "Hey Oatmeal."

She flashed me an encouraging smile. "Yes?" 

I gulped. Of all the ridiculous things I do for love, this took the cake. Here goes Operation Jealousy.

"Would you like to have dinner with me on Thursday?"






Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Hoofsteps. I looked at the door knocker, and grinned nervously. Please don't be Bon Bon. Please don't be Bon Bon.

The door opened, and my heart sank like a stone. "What the hell do you want?" Bon Bon's shrill voice rang out.

"Hi Bon Bon. Is Lyra home?"

"No." I waited for a reply, but then I was alarmed to see her shut the door. I knocked until she opened it again. "What?"

"Well, isn't she normally home about now?" I tried to poke my head in to get a look inside the house, but I was stone-walled by her hoof.

"She's not here, Lucky. Go away." She gave me a murderous glare. If there was ever a mare that could spit venom, it was Bon Bon. What an unlovable wench. She seemed hellbent on foiling me at every turn. Part of me wondered if she wasn't just a changeling trying to feed off of Lyra's love. Trust me, if I could go my whole life without dealing with her, I would; but she was friends with dear Lyra, and thus she was a permanent fixture in my life. 

“Well, do you know where Lyra is right now?”

"No, and if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

I was crestfallen; not that I expected any different. She was always like this when I came knocking for Lyra these days. "Well, when you see her, could you tell her I really want to talk to her?"

"If I say yes, will you leave?"	

"If you take this note to her, I will." I produced my most recent letter, and offered it to Bon Bon. She took it without comment. 

I began sulking away, but stopped and turned. “She’s avoiding me, isn't she?”

“Now what in all of Equestria gave you that impression?” 

“Because, suddenly, she stopped dropping by, she’s never around. She won’t answer any of the letters I send her. What did I do wrong? Did I come on too strong? Was I not showing enough interest? Did she meet another stallion? Was it too early to say 'I love you'? God I hope—”

I was cut off by the slamming of a door, and the clicking of the lock. 






Thump.

Thump.

Thump

I fidgeted uncomfortably. In spite of myself, I was a little bit nervous, even though I wasn't exactly sure why. 

A teal mare opened the door. "Hello."

"Hi. Is this Oatmeal's house? I'm here to pick her up."

The mare broke into a smile. "Why yes, I'll tell her that you've arrived."

"Is that Lucky? Tell him I'll be down in two shakes of a lamb's tail!" Oatmeal called from upstairs. 

"Come on in, we won't have you waiting out in the cold." The teal mare led me into the living room.

"So, are you Oatmeal's sister?" I asked.

"Practically. I'm her best friend. I was just helping her get ready. Can I get you a drink?" 

"I'm good, thank you. What's your name? Mine is Lucky."

"My name? I am the one and only Cloudkicker. I've heard much about you!" I looked at her, nonplussed. "Oh rest assured, all positive." She looked me up and down, and then cooed. "Oh, what a lovely tie! It suits your coat quite nicely."

"Oh, thanks. My friend made it for me."

Just then, Oatmeal came into the living room, and I hardly recognized her. She was wearing an elegant wine colored dress, and she had her mane curled into ringlets, and pinned back. "Hello, Lucky, are you ready to go?"

I looked at her, not quite finding my voice. "Um... Hi. You look... good."

Oatmeal smiled. "You look quite handsome yourself." I looked down at my white button-up and tie. Compared to Oatmeal, I was remarkably under-dressed. 

Cloudkicker fell into a fit of giggles. "Look at him, he's red as a tomato!"





The waiter took our menus and left the two of us at the edge of the terrace, the restaurant's namesake. I had maneuvered myself into the seat with the best view of the street below. It was already growing dark out, and I was worried Lyra wouldn't be able to see me on my date. As fortune would have it, each table had a lit candle at the center. Oatmeal was relating some story about her day. The light from the candles danced across her dress, and reflected from her eyes, so bright and blue in the darkness. I tried to keep a look out on the street, waiting for Lyra to show up, but my attention kept on wandering back to Oatmeal.

She owned a tea shop, she was telling me. She loved her job, but she always had a hard time since her cutie mark didn't match her intended career path. I forced myself to look at the clock tower: two minutes after six. Lyra should have passed through by now. I cocked my head to get a better view of the road. "Is everything all right?" she asked after a moment, and followed my gaze to the street.

"Uh, yeah."

She sighed. "I know you're looking for this Lyra mare. Rarity told me all about it. You're trying to make her jealous."

I felt a flush of shame. "I'm sorry... but if you knew, then why'd you agree to go on this date?"

She gave a simpering smile. "Two reasons. One, because I live for this sort of drama; the mind games, the pettiness, and seeing all of these histrionics surrounding love and romance. I love being part of Rarity's zany schemes. That's why I let her put me on these blind dates in the first place." I nearly balked at the idea of Oatmeal getting some sort of sick thrill from watching my relationship with Lyra floundering. Then, I remembered she was doing me a favor. Kind of. "The second reason is because I think you're rather dashing."  She continued her gaze, but I couldn't help but notice her blushing ever so slightly. 

I didn't know what to say. Oatmeal took a sip of her water and continued. "And if I didn't know any better, I'd think you fancied me as well." She looked down.

"I'm sorry, but I think I love Lyra."

"And if this whole scheme somehow works, you'll be with her. If not, we could always go on another date. A real date."

I began to feel her charm pulling at my heart. She was cute, but I had to keep my focus on Lyra, which was becoming more difficult with each moment I spent with Oatmeal. I didn't want to be a traitor to my true love. I sighed. "Okay, but try not to let your hopes too high. Lyra and I have a strong connection." 

She gave the faintest grimace, and then composed herself. "Okay." She let her gaze wander idly for a moment, then she turned to me. "Do you see her yet?"

I squinted into the distance. Much to my surprise, I saw Jerry in his worn jeans and pink hoodie, coming this way. He saw me as he walked by and waved, drawing a chorus of nervous murmuring from the patrons and the waitstaff. I sheepishly waved back.

I was curious to see where Jerry was going at this time of day, but Oatmeal was simply fascinated by him. "Did you see that?" she whispered excitedly. "He waved to you! Did you teach him how to do that?"

"I didn't." 

"I have to know, what's it like being the human tamer?" 

I chuckled. "I'm not a human tamer, just a repair pony. Jerry helps me with some of my jobs."

She looked at me quizzically."And you didn't train to him to do anything?" I shook my head. "Then how in all of Equestria does he know how to fix things?"

"I'm not sure. When I first met him, I was trying to fix a water pump, but I was having a hard time turning the wrench and holding the two ends of the pipe together. Derpy Hooves came along with Jerry. Jerry used one of his hand-things to hold the ends steady while I tightened the bolt. At first, I thought he was going to eat me, but I saw how useful he was with his fingers and what not, so I offered him a job. He's been working for me ever since."

"And you don't worry about him trying to eat you now?"

"Not really."

"You're so brave," she said, batting her eyelashes. "I'll bet that you and Derpy are the only ones who could stop him from going on a rampage and eating somepony. You know, every mare loves a hero." 

"He isn't quite as bad as most ponies make him out to be. He just wants to be accepted. You know, you're the first pony who hasn't given me crap about hiring him. I had to to start working at night just so fewer ponies would ask questions. Hay, even Twilight asked me if we should get rid of him. She thinks keeping him around is just asking for trouble. I don't see what all the fuss is about. He hasn't killed any other animals since he got here. " 

"I would attribute that to your watchful eye. I'm hardly concerned about him trying to gnaw off my wings, especially with you making sure he doesn't misbehave. Although, having him around town certainly livens things up." 

I was about to reply, when the human returned with none other than Lyra by his side. I couldn't imagine how they knew each other, or what they were up to. They passed by the terrace, without so much as a glance upward. My stomach was still doing somersaults from just seeing her. Jerry was animatedly conveying a story as they turned onto the street, and out of view. Oatmeal followed my gaze "Is that Lyra, with the human?"

I dashed out of the restaurant, galloping down the stairs. I stopped just before the corner, and poked my head around the building. They were the only two on the narrow alley, illuminated by a lone streetlight. Jerry was speaking. "So you would put the saddle on the horse, and then sit on the saddle. I've only done it a few times myself." How did he even know Lyra? Why were they walking so close?  

I watched as Lyra scribbled something, and then tore it off of the pad. Jerry looked at the paper, and frowned. "Are you sure? I mean, I'm kind of big, I might hurt you," Jerry said. 

Lyra grinned and nodded enthusiastically. I watched in horror as he vaulted over her, and straddled her back with his legs. She managed to take a few steps before buckling and sending both of them tumbling to the ground. They both laughed and dusted each other off. 

My jaw hit the floor. I had no idea what to make of what I just saw. She just let a human straddle her back....  were they seeing each other? I banished the thought. There was no way that Lyra would even entertain the idea of dating an animal, let alone an animal that wasn't even an equine.

Then I remembered her smiling at him. The smile I hadn't seen in ages. I felt my gut twist itself into a knot again.

Jerry knelt down to wipe some dirt off of her face. Lyra gazed into his eyes, now at level with hers. For a moment they both paused. Just as quickly, Jerry looked down at his feet and got up. "We should be going. Your roommate is probably waiting for us right now."

I twisted my hoof into the ground. It was all I could do to stop myself from lunging at them. I couldn't bear to know that my assistant was looking at my mare like that, when she won't even look me in the eye. I saw the stray piece of notebook paper tumbling in the wind, and I snatched it up. That note, was so short, but it was like a punch to the gut.

Ride me.

Seething, I watched them turn the corner, and walk off into the dusk.
> The Applicant (Mayor Mare)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I called in the new intern. He was a bright eyed colt, having had his cutie mark for a little over three years. His cutie mark was a stack of books, and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what his talent was. “Yes, Mayor Mare?”

“Tell me…”

“Loose Leaf,” the yellow stallion said.

“Loose Leaf. What would you call a creature that crawls out of the Everfree Forest, and tears a chicken to shreds?”

“For the love of Celestia, I hope this doesn’t have anything to do with the Nightmare Night celebration.”

“Humor me for a moment.”

He hesitated, as though anticipating a trick question. “I would say it was some awful beast, maybe a manticore.”

“Now suppose for a moment, this awful beast came into town, started working a job, paying rent, and asked to be a full citizen of your town.”

“I’m afraid I don’t follow.”

I gestured to the three documents that have been robbing me of sleep, spread across my desk. The first, was simply an exotic pet registration form.  

Name: Derpy Hooves

Address: 432 Trumblebrook ave

Species of pet: Hooman

Vaccinations: pending

Name of pet: Jerry W. 

The next was a citizen registration form. The human’s. He signed the document “Jeremiah walker”, and instead of bubbling in one of the options under “race”, he crossed off the bubbles and simply wrote “Human” in the margins. 
“’Human’. Is that the scientific name for griffins?” Loose leaf asked. “I mean, the only civilized race that would ever eat a chicken is a griffin.”

“This, human, my dear boy, is part monkey, part minotaur, and all carnivore.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “And it wants to be a citizen?”

“He filled out the application himself.”

“Hrmm…  I guess if he’s working and paying rent, he’s kind of a citizen already. You may as well fill out the paperwork. It wouldn’t be so difficult to do that. I would probably keep him away from farms and schools though.”

“The paper work is not the difficult part. Have you heard anything about this human?” I asked. He shook his head. “It’s not flattering what they’re saying around town. That he eats cows. Allegedly, he’ll eat anything with wings, even pegasi. I’m not sure what’s fact and what’s fiction, although he hasn’t tried to eat any ponies; not that I know of, anyways.

“He also hasn’t been what one would call a model citizen in his time here. He’s been fired once for causing a public disturbance at Sweet Apple Acres. Not to mention a hoofull of general complaints. I seriously doubt that the residents of Ponyville would be thrilled about their newest neighbor gaining legal status.”

I pulled out the letter of complaint signed by three ponies. He read over the letter. “disrupting trade at the market? Scaring foals? What did this human do?” Loose Leaf asked.

I shrugged. “He walked around in broad daylight in a public area, and tried to buy some eggs.”

“I guess you can’t blame them for being scared. If he causes this much disruption, he should move somewhere else.”

“Twilight Sparkle, mentee of the one and only Princess Celestia, advised me to do just that. She says to have him 'relocated to the Everfree Forest’, where he won’t hurt anypony, and where he won’t be any trouble.” I slid Twilight’s course of action essay forward for the intern to read. “Twilight, Pokey Pierce, all of these ponies asking me to get animal control on the case, they’re worried about their chickens, or their friends or foals. But this human, he comes in here, polite as can be, and asks me what he can do to be authorized to work here. He’s not as dangerous as everypony thinks. He wants to be part of Ponyville. I can’t find it in myself to banish somepony just because ponies aren’t even giving him a chance to prove he’s not a rabid animal.”

Loose Leaf frowned. “But if you vouch for him, that will jeopardize your good standing with the town.”

“Now you’re beginning to see the issue. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, Loose Leaf.” I pulled out a bottle of bourbon, and poured myself a glass. “There’s lies the fundamental problem with democracy. Unpopular opinions lead to impeachment.” I looked at the front entrance hall. Its walls were lined with portraits of my predecessors. None of them ever had to deal with a human. Sure, maybe a diamond dog or two, but never a creature like this. I'd much rather this be somepony else's problem.

“Well, screw what the other ponies think. If you feel that he qualifies as a citizen, make him one.”

I gave a wry smile. “You mistake me for a nobler pony. I’m willing to stick my neck out, but not that far. We’re talking about a move that could potentially bring about the end of my career.” I took back the bourbon and winced. I definitely should have put ice in that. "We wouldn't just need a new form, we would have to rewrite laws, forms, and policies to include humans. Strike that; to include just one human. We’re not talking about just signing something and calling it a day. It would require rewriting laws. That would mean several meetings with the legislator, and she’s never her office in the afternoon, and she’s never on board with anything I propose. ”

“You could always write an exception for this one human. Just say that he’s entitled to all of the same rights as a pony.”

I glared at him. “The towns ponies would riot if I bent over backwards to keep him here. Besides, it’s not my job to change the laws, that’s the legislator’s department. I just enforce them.”

“Personally, it just seems like your making excuses,” Loose Leaf said.

I was about to contest that point, but there was too much truth to it. I sighed. “Well then. What do you propose, barring career suicide?”

“How am I supposed to know, I’ve just been working in government for a couple of weeks. I don’t even know what the laws in this place are.” 

I cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t you have any experience from working back from Baltimare?”

“I’m from Los Pegasus. And this is my first time working anywhere.”

“Then how’d you get this job?”

“My aunt Quill Weave.” 

I took another swig. “Good to know that nepotism is alive and well.”

“You’re not going to find an answer at the bottom of your glass.”

He was right. I was secretly hoping to get drunk enough justify putting off the decision until tomorrow. So much for that plan. Reluctantly, I put the bourbon back, and rubbed my temples. Why did I have to be in charge of these kind of decisions? “All right then. Let’s figure something out.”

“Maybe a pro and con list?”

“That wouldn't work. He’s neither here nor there. He’s certainly not a pony, or a griffin, but he’s on the same level. He just doesn’t fit into any of the boxes.” I gestured to all the notes he wrote on the side of his citizenship application in lieu of filling out the bubbles. "We need a sort of third option." I got out a pad of paper, and pen. I proceeded to stare at it for five minutes, but to no avail; no words appeared on the page. "Maybe I could do this tomorrow. I'm fairly busy today, after all." I began reaching for the bourbon again.

Loose Leaf looked up from the filing cabinet he was sorting. "How long has that citizenship application been on your desk?"

"About a month."

The intern rolled his eyes.

The bell above the door jingled. I looked as the door closed, but I didn’t see anypony. Instead I heard the pitter patter of little feet. Spike, Twilight’s dragon, marched into my view and straight in front of my desk. He had a serious, defiant look on his face.

“Hello, Spike. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“I want to be registered as a citizen.”

I nearly laughed at the idea, but something on the look of the little dragon’s face warned me against doing so. “Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“We were actually just discussing some issues with the citizenship process, weren’t we?”

“Kind of,” Loose Leaf replied. 

I hoofed over a copy of the citizen’s registration form. The dragon’s disappointment was palpable as he read the form. “I have to be a pony to be a citizen?”

I tapped my hooves together. “Well, you’re a special case. You’re certainly the first dragon to be in ponyville, and we do value your contributions to our community. I’m certain your legal status is already covered. Loose Leaf? Would you search the town records for a Mr. Spike?”

“Spike the Dragon,” Spike said. The earth pony nodded and left the room.

“Spike, if you don’t mind me prodding, what lead to you coming here? This certainly is an unusual request.”

The little dragon looked away. “I just want to make sure I have all the rights of any citizen of Equestria,” he mumbled. Loose Leaf returned, and gave the document to Spike. “An exotic pet? Is that all I am?” Loose Leaf elected to go back to the archive room, and see if there were any more records for Spike. He excused himself, leaving me alone with the sulking dragon. “Can’t you do anything about this?”

“I’m sorry, but by law, only ponies are allowed to become full-fledged citizens. You saw the forms. My hooves are tied.”

“Can’t you change the law?” 

“Actually, that’s the legislator’s job.” I tapped my hooves together nervously. “You know the princess personally, correct? You could ask her to issue a royal pardon to make you an honorary citizen.”

“I don’t want to be honorary. I want to be an actual citizen. Besides, Princess Celestia’s away on a diplomatic mission right now. I couldn’t contact her now even if I wanted to.”

“It couldn’t hurt to write her a letter. I’m sure she could handle the situation in a heartbeat, once she gets back.”

“Why do you expect the princess to fix what’s wrong with the town you’re in charge of? Non-ponies should be able to apply for citizenship of Ponyville.”

I sat in stunned silence. It took all of my will power to not pull out my bourbon and suckle it like a newborn foal. 
Loose Leaf called out from the back. “I think I found something that might be of use.” He walked back, and placed a file on my desk.

“What are these?” I opened the folder, and examined the forms. 

“Non-Equine Work Visas, for griffin contractors, and the like.” He hoofed one of the forms to Spike. “Here you go, little guy. All you need is some basic contact and demographic information, and then statements from three different character references, and from your employer. “

“Will this make me a full citizen?” He turned the paper over in his claws. 

“Well, no, but it entitles you to own property, join unions, and pay income taxes for six months.”

“And then what? Will I be able to vote? Can I get married?”

Loose Leaf looked at the document, and then frowned. “Technically, no. Unfortunately, you can only reapply for the NEWV. after those two years.”

“So I can’t ever be a citizen, no matter what I do,” Spike said flatly.

“I’ll be sure to address the matter at the next town council meeting,” I offered lamely.

Spike crumpled the paper into a ball, and left the building without a word.

Loose Leaf turned to me. “So anyone that isn’t a pony can’t become a citizen? I guess that explains why there are no Griffins in the town registry.” He frowned. “Or any griffins around town.”

“It’s called Ponyville for a reason.” 

"That’d be easy to fix. All you would have to do is draft a new copy of the citizenship documentation to have an ‘other’ box. A fill in the blank. Frankly, I’m surprised your forms don’t already have that."

"I’m not sure how the residents of Ponyville would react if we opened citizenship to just any animal."

"What do you folks do when a mule or donkey moves into town?"

"I’m not sure. I think we usually give them one the Standard Work Visas."

I looked down at the NEWV forms. There was an open line for the race section. Something clicked. “I just may have a solution to one of our problems.” It was weasely for sure, but it was my best bet of coming out of this fiasco scot free.
I folded one into an envelope and addressed a quick note to to Mr. Walker.

Walker,

Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to grant you full citizenship for your continued employment. However, this work visa will allow you to work and stay in Ponyville for the next six months. Please have the appropriate areas of the form filled out by three character references and your current employer. Should you prove to be honest, law-abiding, and trouble free, you may be considered for a renewed visa.

At the last moment, I debated adding a final line. The letter seemed a little unfriendly.

Welcome to Ponyville, and have a nice day.

Mayor Dariana Mare

I sealed the envelope. “Loose Leaf, would you be so kind as to deliver this to Ms. Hoove’s house?”

“Where is that?”

“Off of Drury Lane. You can’t miss it.” I watched him leave, and I said a silent prayer for my re-election.
> The Guest (Bon Bon)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I’m not quite sure why I’m telling you this, but you seem trustworthy. I mean, I’m usually a good judge of character. That human though, I’m not sure I even know what to think. He’s just... I don’t know. You don’t get that kind of reputation for doing nothing, but he’s so kind, polite, and civil. He could talk his way out of a prison cell and straight into a Canterlot banquet, if he could keep his hoof out of his mouth for five minutes. Lyra tells me he’s a good person, but I have reason to question her judgment.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Lyra as much as anypony else, but she has... eccentricities. She's a nice girl, but she’s lacking in the “sound judgment” department. For one, she’s getting awfully buddy-buddy with that human. She does try to see the good in everypony, and she saw some good in him. I mean, that isn’t a bad thing, but I doubt it’s to her benefit. And her taste in stallions... Well, let’s just say she has a knack for picking the crazier of the bunch. Well, like draws like, I suppose.

I had briefly met Jerry, in the flesh, just the other night. He had walked with Lyra all the way to our apartment, and frankly, I was caught a little off guard to see him right beside her when the door opened. I was in the middle of making some peanut brittle, and I nearly dropped the mixing bowl when I saw him. It certainly would have been nice for Lyra to let me know beforehand that she was bringing a visitor. 

There was a moment of awkward silence. “Hi, you must be Jeremiah,” I finally said, as I looked up towards the looming figure. His height was certainly off putting. I unconsciously took a step backwards. 

“Bon Bon, right? The candy maker? It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He squatted as he spoke, making himself far less imposing. He offered me his hand. I held back a breath of relief and shook it. 

Lyra gave me a reassuring smile.

“Um... Likewise. I’ve heard so much about you.”

He sighed heavily. “I do seem to carry quite a reputation these days.”

“Oh no no. I meant Lyra was telling me about you. About you being a pastor and stuff. Really fascinating.” I mean, I did also hear about the eating pegasus wings and stuff, but I didn’t think it would be polite to mention that. 

I heard a gentle mewling. The human cocked his head as Lyra’s cat walked towards him. “And this must be Al,” he said, scratching the tabby cat under chin, eliciting a purr. “What do you feed him?”

Lyra gestured over to his little red food bowl, tucked in the corner. Carnivore chow, sometimes we get him a fish. She rubbed the base of Al’s tail and planted a kiss on the top of his head. 

Jerry frowned. “Where do you get fish?”

“Sometimes we pick one up in the marketplace from one of the fisherman, or from the pet store,” I said.

He opened his mouth to speak, but seemed at a loss on how to phrase his question. “Ah... Well, Lyra, I'll be on my way now. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? It was nice meeting you, Bon Bon.” He waved one of his hand things at me.

The moment he left, Lyra shoved her notebook in my face. So what did you think of him?

I pushed the little grey pad away with my hoof, and went back to the mixing bowl. “He’s nice, I think. Although, he could definitely use some less garish clothes.” He was cordial from what I’d just seen, and Lyra had a fondness for him. He didn’t look that carnivorous either. It was almost kind of pleasant meeting him, barring the sudden intrusion.

I was thinking of having Jerry over for dinner tomorrow. 

“You mean the human?”

No, my other friend Jerry. She stuck out her tongue.

“Does he have to come over here?”

Well, he’s my new friend, and I’d thought it’d be nice to invite him over.

“Tomorrow? Lyra, I’m not so sure,” I said, tapping my hooves together. “I don’t even know what I would cook for him. Besides, the house isn’t clean, we haven’t even gone grocery shopping, and I have a full day of work tomorrow. Maybe he could come over next week... Maybe."	

She sat there looking guilty as a fox in an empty hen house. 

“Please tell me you didn’t already invite him.”

She gave me an apologetic smile.

“Damn it, Lyra.”







Thump.

Thump. 

Thump.

I sat up in my bed. It had woken Lyra, too. She looked at me from her bed across the room, eyes pleading.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.


I kicked off the covers, and made my way to the front door. I didn’t need to look through the peephole to know who it was. I steeled myself, and threw open the door. “Lucky, it’s two in the morning. You better have a damned good reason for being here.”

There he was, leaning precariously forward, absolutely reeking of alcohol. It wasn’t anything I haven’t seen before, but never this late at night. “Lyra... Jerry. I saw them—”

I was in no mood to listen to his drunken whining. “I don’t care what you saw. Leave before I call the cops.”

“He mounted her, Bon Bon.”

“What?”

“In the middle of the fucking street.”

“You’re lying.” I tried the time tested method of slamming the door in his face, but he shot out a hoof.

I struggled to push it shut, but alcohol gave him the strength and the stubbornness to force the door back open. He stepped into the door frame and stared me down. I shrank back. His loosened tie swayed haphazardly from around his neck. I felt a twinge of fear, and my heartbeat quickened. I was well experienced dealing with Lucky’s persistence sober, but I never  had seen him this drunk, or this angry.His voice fell into a low growl. “I don’t know what kind of shit Lyra’s trying pull off by letting a god-damned animal try to mate with her in public, but I’m not liking it. Is she trying to make me jealous? Is that her deal? I don’t give a damn. You tell that whore of a unicorn I better not see her hanging around that human again, or there’ll be hell to pay. You got it?” 


I looked on the counter for a knife, a broom, a fry pan, anything that I could use to protect myself and Lyra. I spotted a vase, but before I could even reach a hoof out, he lunged at me, bit on my mane, and dragged me out of the house. I tried to squirm away, break free, but he held on tight. “Answer me when I talk to you! You got it?” he roared. He raised his hoof, ready to strike. This time, I was quicker. I landed a solid smack on his jaw with my foreleg, and he reeled back, letting go of my mane. I dashed back into the house, and slid the bolt closed.

THUMP.

THUMP.

THUMP.

The door frame shook with each blow of his hoof. One of Lyra’s flutes rolled off of the wall mounted shelf and fell with a clatter. “Lyra! Bon Bon!” he screamed in impotent rage. 

Lyra crept into the kitchen, brandishing my old field hockey stick in a cloud of green magic. She was shaking like a leaf. “I’m okay, I’m okay…” I managed to say. She stayed crouched behind the kitchen island.

A light across the street flickered on, and then another. Somewhere, a dog bayed. I watched in horror as Lucky's next blow caused one of the screws from the deadbolt panel to come loose. Lyra raised the field hockey stick, ready to strike down with the back the of the hook. Over the thumping, I heard a voice bark something at Lucky. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, trying to bust down Bon Bon’s door?” 

“Mind your fucking business,” Lucky shouted back. I peeked out the window. Law, the stocky unicorn from across the street had his horn aglow, telekinetically wielding a nightstick. His wife and foal watched nervously from the window. 

“This is my neighborhood. And if you don’t buzz off right now, it’s gonna be my business.” He rapped the club against the sidewalk, as he walked up to Lucky, nose to nose. “Now, are we going to have a problem? Or are you going to leave?” The two stallions stared each down for a tense moment, Their nostrils flaring. Finally, Lucky broke eye contact, and stormed off, muttering curses. 

As soon as Lucky was out of sight, Law called out, “Bon Bon, are you all right?" I slid the bolt back, and opened up the door for him. Lyra let the field hockey stick fall to the floor with a clatter, and let out a breathy sigh. 

“Could be better.” I pulled my mane back, and looked at the matted area where he had bit down. My head still hurt a little from his yanking. “It could have been a lot worse if you hadn't shown up when you did. Thank you, Law.”

Lyra shut herself back into the bedroom. He eyed the door with concern. “What about your marefriend?”

I didn’t bother correcting him. “I’m not sure. She’s not hurt though; not physically, anyways.” I nibbled my hoof. She was probably anything but all right.

“What in the name of Tartarus was that hooligan doing at this time of night? You don’t need me to call the boys down at the station, do you?” I spied his hoofcuff cutie marks. He did seem to be the type in law enforcement.

“He’s Lyra’s ex. He’s a little loco in the coco, but I think we’re safe for right now.” At least I hoped he wouldn’t be this hostile when he sobered up.

Law looked troubled. “I know it isn’t my business, but if he’s been making a ruckus this late at night and trying to hurt you or Lyra, she ought to get a restraining order on that S O B.” 

Suffice it to say, I always dreaded Lucky knocking on my door. After what he did to Lyra, I did my best to get rid of him, and keep him away from her. Persistence, I could deal with. But I never thought he would become this violent (although, I probably should have). For the first time, I was truly afraid of Lucky, and what he might do to me or Lyra. “Thank you. I’ll talk to Lyra about it in the morning.” 

“Does he have anything to do with the human snooping around here? I’ve seen the two of them around here a lot, recently.”

“Together?” I knew the two of them worked together during the night. But I was certain they never had any work to do around here.

“No, but between the human scaring off prospective buyers, and this creep harassing you and Lyra, I don’t think we’ll ever be able to move.” I raised an eyebrow. “We’ve been trying to sell the house and head off to Baltimare ever since I retired from the force. One pony seemed really interested in buying, so we were giving a tour, but the moment he saw that human walking around the street, he lost interest. He said some stuff about property values dropping, and then made a beeline to the door.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, picking my words cautiously. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be going on and on about my problems. Just, watch out for yourselves. Don’t be afraid to call the boys at the station if that punk gives you anymore trouble. And watch out for that human, okay?” Law returned to his doorstop and his fretful wife. “I’m getting too old for this shit,” he muttered under his breath.

I went back to our bedroom. Lyra was quietly sobbing in her bed, making no sound, but I could see the glint of tears streaming down her face. I climbed in next to her, and wrapped her in my hooves. “It’s okay. I’m not going to let him hurt you again.” Her trembling slowly died down, and gave way to even breathing. She eventually fell asleep like that, cradled in my hooves. It was a rough night for both of us, and she needed a good cuddle.

I still didn’t know what to think about Lucky’s words. It was clear in my mind that the less the two of us dealt with Lucky, the better. What he said about Lyra and the human didn’t sit right with me, in a way I couldn’t just dismiss as the ramblings of a jilted stallion. Lucky was clearly exaggerating, or misinterpreting, or something. But it made sense in a twisted sort of way. Not enough sense to risk upsetting Lyra over, but enough to nag on my mind. She had been spending a lot time with the human, and that was worrying enough in its own right.

She did seem awfully preoccupied with the human, and I began to wonder, if she felt something more than friendship there. The thought churned uncomfortably in my mind. It didn’t matter if it was true; in fact, it probably wasn’t at all. For her sake, I hoped it wasn’t. What mattered was it was in the realm of plausibility, and that would be more than enough for the rumor mill to outright accuse Lyra and the human of bestiality.

This was bad. This was really bad.





I woke to an empty bed and the scent of toasted bagels. I rolled out of Lyra’s bed, and I entered the kitchen. There was a modest breakfast set up for me; a glass of orange juice, and a cinnamon bagel, with a smear of apple butter. Lyra was already halfway through her meal. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, and smiled as the scent wafted towards me. “How’d you know I was craving this?”

You always want apple butter. I woke up early and went to the store.

“Lyra Heartstrings, waking up early and doing errands? What’s the special occasion?”

I had trouble sleeping.

“It’s certainly a nice treat to wake up to breakfast every now and then. Thanks.” I took a few bites of heaven. I wanted to take a moment to savor my breakfast, but the events of last night pulled my thoughts away from it. Nothing quite takes the taste out of apple butter like psychotic exes.

Reluctantly, I put down my breakfast. “Law thinks you should get a restraining order against Lucky. We should go to the courthouse, and get that today, after work.” Lyra didn’t respond, but suddenly made herself busy washing her plate. I waited for a full minute as she scrubbed the plate to a mirror finish, or what would have been a mirror finish had it not been a paper plate. She was still futzing with the soggy mass when I finally spoke up. “Lyra, we need to take care of this. The sooner you do this, the better off we’ll be.” 

Lyra bowed her head and let out a long breath. 

“What’s wrong?”

I don’t think he deserves that. He’s just a little confused right now.

“Lyra, he’s crazy! He tried to break down our door. He tried to hit me. He hurt you. He’s not going to leave either of us alone until we have a court order backing us up.”

She began scribbling in her notepad, but crossed it off with a defeated sigh, and began writing again. Her ears drooped and she tore off the entire page, crumpled it up and levitated it into the trash. Finally, she wrote something and presented it to me. We’ll go tomorrow. Besides, I have to pick up some groceries for dinner, and then get Jerry. 

“Hold on a minute. I never agreed to have him over for dinner.”

You didn’t say ‘no’. 

“I didn’t say ‘yes’ either.”

What’s your objection? None of the things ponies say about him are true. She looked defiantly at me.

“I know that, Lyra. It’s just that… I don’t think its so great for you to be spending time with him.”

Why not? He’s a great guy. I’ve been spending time with him, and I think it’s about time I invited him over.

“But that’s just it Lyra. You’ve been spending so much time with him. I think ponies are beginning to say things about you, too.”

Like what?

I hesitated to answer. “Lucky said something to me last night, before he went all whacko crazy pants on me.” I swallowed hard. “I mean, Of course I didn’t believe him at all, its just that, if he thinks that, other ponies might think that too, and start gossiping about it, so—”

I once again found the notebook floating inches away from my face. What did he say?

“He suggested that you and the human are… more than friends.” I tapped my hooves together nervously.

Is there something wrong with that?

“There’s certainly nothing good that can come of it. Lucky made some threats, and I’m getting worried.” I wasn’t particularly comfortable with the notion of Lyra having feelings for a nonpony either, truth be told. Lyra looked down, hurt. “They’re saying terrible things about Walker. They might start thinking the same things about you. I don’t want you associated with that. Especially if Lucky’s throwing his crazy around.” 

I don’t care what they think, and you shouldn’t either. I’m willing to take that risk to my reputation if it means that ponies will treat Jeremiah better. I’m his friend, and the goddesses knows he needs one.

Stubborn, stubborn Lyra. She truly has a heart of gold, but I can’t understand her attachment for this simian creature. “Lyra, why are you so determined to help him?”

Because I know he wouldn’t hurt anypony. He’s thoughtful, he doesn’t lose his temper, no matter what’s thrown at him. He’s a kind soul in a rough spot. All he need is for Ponyville to give him half a chance, and then everypony will see what I see. 

“You thought Lucky was a great guy too.” I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth. Lyra once again  lowered her head, crestfallen, and I felt my heart twist. “Lyra, I… I didn’t mean that.”

This is different. Jerry’s only suffering because of the way people are treating him. But even after all the terrible things Ponyville has put him through, he’s still civil, he’s still kind. I can help him, Bon Bon, and I think he’s been helping me. She didn't look me in the eyes; she just kicked around one of the cat's toys. 

I stood in stunned silence, seeking a suitable response. I hated seeing her this sullen, and I hated this knot of guilt gnawing at my stomach. “What would I even cook for him?” was all that I could manage to say.

Lyra eyes lit with excitement. Just like that, she was out of her funk, and seemed back to her goofy old self. She scratched her chin before scribbling something down. He needs something with protein.


“Like what?”

He seemed really enthusiastic about fish.

“For god’s sake Lyra, I’m not cooking a fish.” I squinted over to Al’s food bowl. “We could have a salad, and put some of Al’s food in it for him. That could work.”

Would he even be able to eat that?

I gave a shrug. “Omnivores can basically eat anything.”

Lyra scratched her chin thoughtfully. She levitated one of the pellets of Carnivore Chow to her, and examined it carefully.

My eyes widened with fright. “I don’t think—” I was too late. She popped it into her mouth and chewed on it carefully. It was all I could do to pinch my brow in exasperation. Just as quickly, her face soured, and she rushed to the sink to spit it out, before gulping water straight from the faucet. Al watched Lyra curiously, swishing his tail back and forth.

“Lyra, I don’t know what you expected.”

I just wanted to make sure it tasted good.

I raised an eyebrow, holding back a smirk. “And the verdict is?”

I don’t think he’d like it very much. 

“Of course it doesn’t taste good to you, it has fish, and meat, and other carnivore stuff in it. He’d probably love it.” Lyra blanched, and gave the faucet another visit.

Needless to say, Lyra vetoed my cat food plan. I guess I would be kind of insulted if someone brought me pet food, but I still thought my salad idea was pretty ingenious. We went back and forth for a bit, but didn’t come to a solution. I know I should have steered the conversation back to the restraining order, but I loathed to spoil her good cheer twice in one day.

It wasn’t until I got back from work that Lyra scrambled through the door with a can of beans and a bag of rice. Not my usual fare, but before I could protest, she was out door again, running across town to get the human, leaving me alone to cook and clean the house. As the door swung shut, I couldn’t help but notice three horseshoe imprints stamped into the wood of the front door.

I began cooking the rice immediately; hopefully Lyra would take the scenic route back home, because I sure as hay didn’t know how to make rice cook any faster. In the few idle moments I had, I was running around the house cleaning what I could, and shoving under the couch what I couldn’t. And to think that just yesterday I thought I was going to be able to relax after work; instead I found myself working my flank off to prepare for a last minute guest.

Lyra strolled in, with Walker in tow, the two of them whistling a jaunty tune. Walker whistled the melody, and Lyra feebly whistled a response. “It takes a while to get the hang of it,” he said. The egg timer for the rice went off at that moment. I couldn’t have asked for better timing.

Lyra, I didn’t know you could whistle,” I said, as I turned off the stove top. 

Jerry taught me.

He strolled up to the coat rack, and hung his knapsack on the hook. There was a bounce in his step that I hadn’t seen before. “Hi Bon Bon, what are you cooking?”  Walker asked.

“Um, hello. We’re going to have some rice and beans. With some Cajun spices.” I peered into the pot. Feasibly it was palatable to both human and ponies. I looked to see his reaction.

“That smells great,” he said as he inhaled deeply.

It looked like I didn’t need to prepare the little bag of cat food after all. I surreptitiously tucked it into a nearby drawer. “Lyra, could you set the table?” Jeremiah sat down, while Lyra laid out the flatware and glasses with her magic. She brought over forks for herself and for Jeremiah. Everypony served themselves and started eating. Walker was visibly struggling to have his table manners prevail over his enthusiasm for the dinner, as he attacked the dish with barely restrained gusto. That’s as good as any compliment, I suppose. It was slightly curious watching him use a fork. Lyra rarely used silverware herself, and usually opted to eat the earth pony way, but tonight she too was using a fork. 

“This is really good! Like really, really good,” Jeremiah managed to say between bites. 

“Thank you. It’s nice to know that my cooking is appreciated. We tried to get something that fit your dietary needs,” I said.

“As long as it has protein, and it’s not peanut butter, it’s fine in my book.”

“Pardon?”

“Not like animals or anything,” he hastily appended. “It’s just that I’m so sick of peanut butter sandwiches. When I first got here, I had peanut butter for almost every meal of every day for over a month.” He gave a heavy sigh.

Do you eat fish? Fish has protein.

Walker hesitantly glanced back at the cat before answering. “Yeah.”

You could get a fishing license and a rod!

“That’s not a bad idea, assuming nopony labels me a fish murderer.”

“Wouldn’t he need to be registered as a citizen to get a fishing license?” I asked.

Jerry heard back from Mayor Mare. He’s going to be officially made a citizen.

“Kind of. It’s a non-equine work visa. Or at least an application for one," he said.

“What does that do?”

“It means that Twilight can’t kick me out, because I'll have legal status. It looks like I’m going to be staying in Ponyville for a lot longer than she anticipated.” He couldn't contain his grin.

“I don’t imagine that you'll have an easy time fishing around town. No doubt one of the fisherponies would find some reason to give you a hard time, regardless of citizenship.”

“I'll figure something out." He tried to take a sip of water, but ended up poking himself in the eye with the straw. He swore silently, as he blinked and rubbed his eye. “Why do ponies always use drinking straws?”

I shrugged. “It’s a lot easier than having to pick up the glass whenever you want to have a drink.” I wiggled my hoof to demonstrate my point.

Lyra was writing something. You know what I think the problem is? Ponies only see you during the night. I think that you’re working at night is actually detrimental to your cause. Think about this: ponies usually see you wandering around the streets in the dead of night, banging your hammers, and making a raucous. It makes you seem like a predator.

She stopped writing to flip the page. If you started working in the day, ponies would be able to see that you are just fixing things. If nothing else, they would get used to you being around them, and stop associating you with the night.

“You think so?” He took a thoughtful bite. “Maybe I’ll ask Lucky if we can start working in the day. Lord knows that would be easier on the both of us.”

Based on my conversation last night, I didn’t think Lucky would be doing any favors for the human anytime soon. “I think you might want to stay away from Lucky for a few days, actually.”

The human frowned. “Why? Is there something wrong?”

I turned to Lyra. “You haven’t told him?”

“Told me what?” His tone grew more concerned.

“Lucky is a no good piece of—” Lyra frantically waved her forelegs for me to stop.

Lucky and I used to date. He might be a little jealous that you’ve been spending time with me. We are a little worried that he might get upset. I tried to protest the understatement of the century, but I was shushed by Lyra. What the hell did she think she was doing?

“That’s it? Lucky’s one of the more level headed ponies I’ve met. He’s never been afraid of me, and he instantly realized I could help him as a handyman. I don’t think he would get jealous just because I hang out with Lyra.”

The dinner progressed, Lyra and Jerry chatting about this or that, while I was nibbling my hoof over Lucky. I really hoped I would be able to drag Lyra to the courthouse tomorrow morning, and just have this whole fiasco taken care of.

After the three of us finished cleaning the dishes, I pulled Lyra aside. “What was that? You just failed to mention to your so called friend that his boss is an abusive crap nozzle, who has a personal grudge against him!”

If Jerry found out about what Lucky did to me, he’d quit his job! You’ve heard him, Lucky hiring him is the only reason why he hasn’t been kicked out of Ponyville. If I let Jerry know anything about what happened last night, he’ll get angry and leave his job. Before you know it, everypony will be chasing him into the Everfree Forest, and it will be my fault.

I pinched my brow. “At least warn him to be careful around Lucky.”

She walked back to Jeremiah, and tried to lead him to the living room, where her record player awaited. “Hang on a second,” I heard him say.

Walker approached me, fiddling with his digits. “Bon Bon, I know we’ve just recently met, and this might put you in an awkward position, but would you write a letter of recommendation for me?”

“Pardon?”

He reached into his knapsack and produced a form and a pen. “It’s part of the NEVW. I need statements from three character references.” I eyed the form. Derpy had already filled out the first page, and Lyra the second. I looked over to the sweet, eccentric green unicorn, who over the last year had become my housemate and best friend. She was currently engaged in a duel with an errant fly buzzing around the kitchen. I winced as I saw the floating fly swatter creep up to the little bug resting on the lighting fixture. Before she could make a strike, the fly was back in the air, and Lyra was ineffectively flailing the fly swatter around the kitchen. 

I flipped to the page labeled employer information. “Are you going to have Lucky fill this out?”

“Well, he is the one employing me.”

I bit my lip. “Have you ever thought of starting fresh in a new town? I know you didn’t have the best start here in Ponyville, with the breaking and entering, and what not. Maybe you’d have better luck in Manehattan.”

He sighed. “I have been thinking about it, but I hardly have enough saved up for one night at a hotel, let alone a month's rent and a down payment. Besides, despite everything, I still managed to make a couple of friends here, and they’re all trying to help me out. I don’t want to leave the one town in this whole land where I have ponies rooting for me. So in the mean time, it’s work visa or bust.” He offered the pen and form to me. 

“Okay, but I have to ask a favor in return.” I swallowed hard. “Jerry, I just want you to understand, Lyra is special to me. I want to make sure nothing bad happens to her. It’s not exactly you I’m worried about, but  what might happen because you’re around her.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Lucky and Lyra’s relationship was a lot more tumultuous than she let on, and I’m not quite sure Lucky thinks that the relationship is over yet. I think he might try something stupid.”

He looked at me incredulously. “I told you, Lucky’s reasonable. I can just talk to him, and tell him that we’re just friends. He’ll tell me if he has a problem.”

“Not the Lucky I know.” I gave him a wary glance. “It's not just him that you should be concerned about. It’s what other ponies will think when they see you walking around together.”

He let out a sigh. “So what do you want me to do?”

“Just know that every time she walks around Ponyville with you, she’s really sticking her neck out for you. You don’t have the greatest reputation, and like it or not, your reputation affects your friends. Lyra’s been in trouble before, and the cosmic matriarch knows that’s the last thing she needs right now.”

“What happened to Lyra?”

I glanced over to her. I thought of Law, and Lucky, and what everypony would think of Lyra for associating with this half-minotaur with a friendly smile and a bum rap. Very few ponies knew the truth about Lucky and Lyra’s relationship, so the rest were left grasping at straws. Most ponies saw Lucky sobbing over her, and drinking himself to death, while Lyra did her best to avoid him. She was the subject of much conjecture on part of the gossips. While not vitriolic, the rumor mill was not exactly kind to poor Lyra either. She had come home crying more than once from overheard conversations. I wanted to dismiss all of the theories, and expose Lucky for the piece of shit that he is; but the last thing Lyra wanted was for the whole town to know that she let her coltfriend hit her. Those rumors were almost faded from the grape vine, but I knew all of that negative attention was going to come back to rear it’s ugly head. “Lyra will tell you when she’s ready,” I said quietly .I put the pen in my mouth and began writing. 

I forgot exactly what I wrote, but I expressed my full confidence in him as a creature of good character, as much as I could attest to in having known him for only two days. As soon as I hoofed it over, he nodded solemnly in thanks, and went to sit with Lyra.
> The Assistant (Lucky)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I had to fire him. Frankly, it was a mistake to even take him under my wing in the first place. It wasn’t until he attacked me  –and tried to break into Pokey Pierce’s house–  that I realized how dangerous he truly was. Carnivore or not, he was bloodthirsty. Say what you want, but firing him was the best thing I could have done. 

What happened before I fired him? We were finishing up a job, when he started flipping out on me, and went straight for the Pierce’s. I had to tackle the human, and chase him away. There’s not much more to it than that. Elaborate? Fine. We were working on that theater near the big fountain on Anise Street.

“Hold it up,” I grunted. He positioned the display case against the wall of the theater entrance, holding the bottom corners in his hands. All I could see were those simian appendages grabbing my Lyra, stroking her mane, running down her back; those hands just as easily twisting her neck as caressing it. “Higher.”  He lifted it up another foot, his chest pressed against the wall. I took a nail in hoof, and drove it into bottom left corner. 

Jerry moved his hand away in the nick of time. “Hey, careful there Lucky, you almost gave me Stigmata.”

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

I drove the nail home. “Watch your grip, you son of a mule. It’s too dark to see.” 

Jerry stepped aside, and I began driving the next nail in. “Actually, I was meaning to talk to you about that. I was thinking that maybe we could start working in the daytime.”

“Move. You’re blocking the light.” 

He reluctantly obliged. His shadow moved off the display box encasing a poster for the next performance of Othello. I was never one to go to shows, but I was somewhat familiar with the plot. It was about this pony named Iago, and how he took revenge on his friend for sleeping with his wife. I reflected bitterly how similar my situation was.

“Lucky, did you hear me?”

“Yep.” 

“Aren’t you sick of working by streetlight? Don’t you want a full night’s sleep?” 

I didn’t reply.

“I know I am,” he added hesitantly.

“I get plenty of sleep during the day.”

“A friend suggested that everypony would get used to me if they saw me in daylight more often.” I wondered if it occurred to him that I didn’t work in the dark for his benefit; I did it to protect everypony from him. 

“Would this friend happen to be Lyra Heartstrings?”

His face went a shade paler. “I don’t think that’s relevant.”

“I think it is.” I drove the last nail in. A large patch of wood in the corner splintered and broke off.

“Derpy suggested it.”

“That’s funny. I haven’t seen you walking around with Derpy.”

“Are you all right Lucky? You’re acting a little off,” he said. He looked warily at me, and I got the distinct impression that he was choosing his words very carefully.

“I’m fan-fucking-tastic. Even more so now that you expect me to work in the daytime, so that everypony can see you in public, and give me crap for whatever you did.”

“Hey, I haven’t done anything, at least not recently,” he said. I gritted my teeth as he continued speaking. Didn’t do anything my flank! “But this is the kind of thing I’m talking about. Maybe, if the ponies see me in the light of day, they’ll stop being so suspicious of me.”

“Can we just clean up and get out before anypony sees you and makes a scene?” I snapped.

Reluctantly, he packed up along with me. He held open the bag as I threw each tool inside, one by one. One hammer landed on his hand. The impact did almost nothing, and he placed the hammer back inside before zipping up the bag with a leery glance.

I began making my way back home, ready for a good beer before sunrise. All I wanted was to forget about this bastard of a human, but I was stopped by Jerry’s hand clasping my shoulder. 

“Lucky, I actually did something you won’t complain about.” 

“What the hell do you want?”

He frowned as he produced a multiple page form, and flipped through it. “I got a work visa application right here. You wanted me to be registered as your employee, right? All you have to do is fill some stuff out for me.”

He had finally got the work papers, after three god damned weeks. It was about time. I flipped through the pages, and my heart froze. The first page was filled out by none other than Lyra. She couldn’t find a moment in her day to so much as look me in the eye for the past six months, but she found enough time in her day to fuck an animal, and then write him a letter of reference. 

After all I had done for her. I devoted my heart, my home, my life to her. I gave her everything she could possibly want, only to have her spit in my face, and leave me sobbing in the dust. 

After all I had done for him, giving him a job when nopony else would, taking flak from other ponies, and moving my work to the dead of night. I stuck up for him when Twilight Sparkle wanted him gone, and that ape repaid me by mounting my marefriend in an alleyway! Then he has the audacity to try ask me for my blessing to become part of this community.
He would be nothing without my support, without my grace. I gave him everything he has in his pitiful existence, and I can just as easily take it away. I gave and I gave, and I sacrificed for this wretch, and he takes the one treasure in this world I hold dear. If Twilight wanted him gone, she could get her wish. I smirked. “No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’? Lucky, if you can’t sign this, I’m not officially your employee. Twilight’s liable to throw me back into the forest.”

“I’m not signing shit.” I donned my saddlebags, and began walking down the road. “And as far as Ms. Sparkle is concerned, you’re not my employee.”

He ran to catch up with me. “Hold on, hold on. What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You don’t work for me anymore. You’re fired.”

“Excuse me? What did I do to get fired?”

“You know goddamn well what you did.”

“Actually, I don’t. If you could please enlighten me on why you’re fucking me over, that would be just dandy.”

“They may not have such a thing as common decency wherever the hell you came from, but we ponies don’t sleep with each other’s marefriends,” I growled.

“Is this about Lyra? Okay, Bon Bon warned me about this. I know that things have been rough between the two of you, but I’m just her friend. That’s all. I’m not trying to steal anypony away from you.” He seemed to regain some sense of composure. Of course Bon Bon was speaking ill of me. I hope the irony of warning the human about me wasn't lost on her.

“Friends? You mean the kind of friends that try to have sex in public?”

“Lucky, this is crazy—”

“You had the audacity to mount my marefriend in front of my face,” I snapped back at him. He went pale. “Then you have the nerve to show up and act like everything’s sunshine and rainbows, like we’re best buddies. Guess what? I don’t want to sign a paper just so you can stay in Ponyville and keep screwing my girlfriend!”

“It wasn’t like that Lucky.” His voice was dangerously low. “I was just explaining something about my own world. Are you really going to fuck me over because of a little misunderstanding.”

“Don’t try to pull that shit with me. The only kind of explanation that requires wrapping your scrawny legs around Lyra isn’t something I want to hear about. In fact, the only explanation I want is why I shouldn’t get Twilight to throw you into the fucking forest this instant. I want you away from my mare, away from me, and away from my town! Take your god damn papers back.” I threw the packet into his face.

He glared at me for a moment, but picked up the packet, and shoved it back into my hooves. “I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation. All I want to do is live, and you’re wrapped up about my stealing some girl that broke up with you months ago. I’m not the reason Lyra doesn’t talk to you anymore. All I need for you to do is sign this, and we’re good.Think, Lucky. You need me, and my hands just to get work done. You were struggling with business before I showed up.”

“You think you’re better than me? I fucking made you. The only reason why you’re not hippogriff chow is because of my good graces. Fuck you.” I took his precious form, and ripped it in half. I let the bits of paper fall to the ground, and I stomped on them for good measure.

He stared at me in disbelief. I could see his whole pitiful existence come crashing down around him in his eyes. He had crossed me, and he would pay dearly for it. Not only did he lose the mare he had tried to steal from me, he also lost his means of support, the only barrier between him and exile. Soon, guard ponies would be knocking on his door, ready to throw him back into the forest from whence he came. I knew it, and he knew it. The sense of doom and despair was palpable on his face. I allowed myself a satisfied smirk, as any hope he had slowly died. 

Then he punched me in the nose. Hard. 

I stumbled backward. My snout had throbbed horribly, and blood flowed freely from my nostrils. “God damn it, Lucky, god fucking damn it! I thought you were my friend. I thought you wanted to help me.” I caught a glint of a tear in his eye. “Then you just fuck me over, like every one of these god damned ponies. I thought you were different, you bastard!” 
I whirled around, and delivered a buck to his stomach, he grunted, and fell against the wall of a nearby house, nearly banging his head on a window sill. “Listen, you greasy morlock. You thought the two of you were alone in the alley, didn’t think anypony would see the two of you, huh? I’m not going to put up with that kind of shit. You’re in for a world of hurt, you sick fuck.” 

I raised my hoof, ready to return the nosebleed, when he stared at me, with fire in his eyes. “Go ahead, beat the crap out of me, chase me out of town. Kill me if you want. Is it going to win Lyra back?”

“Shut up!”

“She’s not even you girlfriend anymore. You fucking blew it months ago. If you do anything to hurt me,  any chance you have of getting her back.”

I wanted to strike him, but I knew it was true. As perverted as the whole situation was, Lyra would never speak to me again if I was the one who chased her little pet away. But if someone else were to beat the snot out of him all the way to the Everfree forest… I peered through the window into the dark room, and I made a out a family portrait sitting on the mantel. It was of Pokey Pierce and his wife, Rain Drops,with their two children beside them. He was a family stallion, who harbored a strong, and rather vocal animosity towards the human. My lips curled. It was almost too perfect. 

“No, Jerry! Don’t kill the poor ponies in this home!” I shouted as loud as I could.

His eyes widened. “What?”

I smashed my hoof into the glass window, sending shards flying into the house. Within moments, I heard anxious murmurs, and hoofsteps from within the house. Jerry must have realized that what was happening and turn to flee.

I wasn’t going to let him get away with trying to kill Pokey’s family that easily. I caught him by the back of his shirt, and I clamped down tight. He was going to stay here, and be caught by Pokey, come hell or high water. He threw an elbow at my jaw, but I held on tight. I swept my leg under his, and sent him crashing down. But as he fell, he grabbed onto my neck, and brought me down with him. He landed on top of me, and he pressed his hand under my jaw, hard, until my vision swam, but I still held onto his shirt. I thrashed and trashed, until I was on my back, and had managed to hoof him in the chest a couple of times. He recoiled in pain, and rolled out of range of my wild swings. 

“Who’s out there?” I heard Pokey call out. Check and mate.

I saw pure animalistic fear in his eyes. He frantically grabbed the pink fabric I was biting down on, and pulled with all his might. I pulled back until my teeth ached. The fabric gave way and ripped. I laid there, dumbly watching him, with a scrap of his shirt in my mouth.

I tried to get onto my hooves, and give chase, but he shoved me back down with the heel of his boot. I writhed in pain. I watched in agony, as he grabbed his tool belt and fled into the October night. Just like that, the desperate melee between the two of us was over. “You better run! Mark my words, the next time I see you I’ll have you strung from a tree!” I shouted.
The front door of the tudor house flew open, and Pokey stepped out, his mane a muss. He frantically searched around until he spotted me, panting and sore, blood still dripping from my nose. “Lucky, what the hell is going on?”

“The human tried to break into your house. I stopped him.”

“Oh my Celestia, he messed you up bad.” He ran inside, and got me a rag.

“If it wasn’t for me, he’d be gnawing on your wife’s wings right now,” I grunted. I pressed the cloth against my nose.

He gulped. “Lucky, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Tell me something. You have two kids right?”

“Yes, Featherweight, and Sparkler.”

“Do you love your family?”

“With all my heart and soul.”

“And do you care about your friends and neighbors, right?”

“What are you getting at?”

“This is the second time he tried to break into somepony’s home. It’s time we do what’s best for everypony, and get rid of him.”

Pokey raised an eyebrow quizzically. “Wait, if he was so dangerous, why did you even hire him?”

“Call me stupid, but I thought I could train him. I thought maybe, if we just gave the human a second chance, he wouldn’t hurt anypony, and he could make himself useful. That way everyone would win. He needed a home after all. But he took that trust and ran with it, and now look what’s he done. He’s trying to steal away my Lyra, and he’s tried to eat your family.” I gestured to the window.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s report this to the police, they’ll have him carted out of Ponyville. I know a hoofull of ponies that are just itching for a reason to get him out of here.”

I eyed the scraps of papers on the ground. Somepony high up must have given him that form. Lyra, Derpy, and Bon Bon had signed it to. “He has more friends than you realize. I don’t think we’ll get his ass carted off with just a broken window as evidence. We need to catch him doing something a lot worse.”

“Screw that. I’m not going to wait around for him to try to attack my family again just so we can have somepony else chase him out of ponyville. I say we find that son of a bitch, and take care of him ourselves.”

I winced. Lyra had a certain affection for the human, and hearing of me chasing him out would make him the martyr, and me the villain. There was no way she would ever speak to me again, even though I would be doing it for her own safety.

Oatmeal’s words echoed through my mind. Every mare loves a hero. I thought of Lyra’s affection for the scrawny beast, in spite of the inherent danger. I saw Pokey Pierce, ready to do whatever he could to rid the town of the human, and something clicked. I grinned. “I think I have a better idea.”

What about the window? No, I told you, the human broke the window when he tried to break into Pokey’s house. Look, all I did was stop him from hurting Pokey’s family. You know what? I’m done answering your questions. 
> The Dreamer (Luna)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I hope this missive finds you and your report well. I suppose you are right. I too have a piece of the story to tell. I just hope that my words will not impart a bias on the rest of your report, for even though you are acting under my orders, my words bear no more truth than anypony else’s. 

My first encounter with the human was not exactly an encounter, per se. I walked through his dreams at least two weeks before I ever met him in the flesh.

On that particular night, the ponies were having some rather trite and uninteresting dreams, stuff of teeth falling out, or being late to class. I was finding no dream distressing enough to warrant my observation, so I let my mind wander through the aether, from dream cloud to dream cloud.

I spotted a dream cloud that seemed troubled. If dream clouds resembled their atmospheric counterparts, this one would have been a roiling thunderhead, where all the others that night had been fluffy wisps of cotton. I glimpsed two sapien figures arguing heatedly.The upright, gangly figures alone were enough to give me pause. I had not seen such a creature in all my years.

Curiosity arrested me, and I melded into the dream. Or should I say memory? Sometimes the difference is less discrete than you might imagine. 

Regardless, the scene was unfolding before me. I found myself in some cavernous building, with a vaulted ceiling, and a series of tall, narrow windows along the sides. Two rows of benches lined the walls, facing some sort of podium at the front end of the building. There were a few fasteners on the wall at regular intervals, as if the walls once held decorations. Curious. The building had a sense of familiarity to the dreamer, but it felt like the place was being threatened. 

I approached the two upright figures. One of the humans was packing away a large wooden cross. He wore spectacles, and a long, white robe. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail. The other, had a light gray hooded shirt, and a look of pure resentment. That one was our Jeremiah Walker.

“I’m surprised you didn’t tie-dye dad’s pastor robes, you dirty hippie!” Walker said.

“Then I’d just be asking for the lot of you to throw me into a pit, and sell me into slavery.” The human in the white robes gave a wan smile. “I know you’re upset. But you have to understand, father only chose me because it was in everyone’s best interest."

“Explain exactly how stabbing me in the back is in my best interest, Abe.”

“It wasn’t like that. He didn’t think you were ready.”

“I wasn’t ready? He only decides this after he promised me I would lead this congregation?”

“A wise man isn’t afraid to change his mind, Jeremiah.” Abe unscrewed another cross from the wall. “He hadn’t realized I was a potential candidate until I returned from college.”

“You were always his favorite out of all of us. You always got to buy new clothes, while the rest of us got your hand me downs.  Dad used up his money so you could sow your wild oats at some liberal arts school, while Danny and I had to go to community college. What happens next? You come running home to daddy, penniless and unemployed, begging for help. Finally, finally, when Dad throws me a bone, he yanks it back, and throws it in your lap. You didn’t work for the duty of pastor like I had. You didn’t earn it. Dad just handed it to you on a silver platter, just because you couldn’t get a job anywhere else with your useless degree!” Walker slammed his fist down on the podium, nearly knocking it over. 

Abe stiffened, and turned away from the packing boxes to face his brother. “So what do you want me to do about it?” His voice was restrained, dispassionate, but one could tell that Walker had hit a nerve.

“Resign. Let me be the pastor for the congregation. You knew I wanted this since I was a kid. It’s only fair.”

“You think dad gave me the position just to spite you?” There was a hint of venom in Abe’s voice now. “He’s got reasons for choosing me. This little church in a little town isn’t going anywhere. He saw that I had big plans for this small community, while you were going to do the same old song and dance. He chose me because he wants to see this place progress.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the damn church.”

“If you want this church to be the true center of the community, we have to open it up for people of all faiths.”

“This is a god damn Christian church, serving a Christian community!”

“I’ll have you know Jerry, you’re using the lord’s name in vain, in his own house!”

“You’re making the lord’s house into some white washed warehouse!” He gestured to the empty walls.

“I reassure you, I’ll be retrofitting the church with more, non-denominational décor.”

“What you’re doing is ripping out the religious roots of this town.” He was hissing his words. “Communities are built on solidarity, not bleaching god out of his own house.” 

“And what I’m trying to do is change the basis of that solidarity from Christian to simple spirituality. Just imagine, every Hindu, Jew, Christian, Catholic, Muslim and Sihk all making this place their home.”

“They have their own temples.” Walker scowled.

“So adamant on keeping one religion, when our own family was interfaith. And you’re even still wearing mother’s rosary. You’re an enigma to me, Jerry.” 

Walker said nothing, but his hand went towards the necklace he was wearing, numbly fingering the beads.

Abe sighed, and continued on with a good deal more composure. “I’ve already spoken to Rabbi Bloomenthal and he’s agreed that we should consider forming a Unitarian Universalist meetinghouse. You’ve seen the world as it is today. There’s so much antagonism between religions. We should be a force of unification, and of peace. And right now, I need your help becoming that force. This isn’t the end of the world, Jerry. I know you wanted to be the leader of this community, but there’s no shame in playing a humbler part in managing a congregation, and I could use your support. Can't you imagine it, Jerry? We can create a place of worship, where people of all faiths gather and feel welcome, all under one roof.”

He waited for a response, and gave an exasperated sigh when Walker remained silent. “If you insist on being a pastor, I know of several Unitarian churches that would be more than happy to accept you as one of their pastors; and if my endeavors prove successful, and this place grows large, I may need you back here soon.”

Jerry shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt and turned away. “There isn’t another Christian church in the entire county,” he muttered bitterly.

“I don’t want to be your enemy here. I’m going to need your support, and our entire family’s help with this house of worship. And right now, you can start by helping me pack up all the crosses.” He reached out to Jerry’s shoulder in a gesture of compassion. But the hand was angrily swatted away by Walker. Abe’s expression of compassion turned into one of vitriol. “Did I ever mention that Dad’s other objection was your temper?”

Walker stared spitefully at his brother. “Say whatever you want, Abe. That doesn’t change the fact that you stole this church away from me, and now you’re going to run it into the ground just like you did with all your other stupid social justice bullshit programs.”

I saw fury spark in Abe’s eyes. I got an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

“Need I remind you that you are speaking to a holy man?” Abe's voice rose to a shout. 

“You’re no man of god. You’re just a granola boy who switched out his baja shirt for pastor robes, that you stole right out my hands!”

That’s when Abe slapped him. Walker turned away from the blow, and gingerly felt the red mark on his cheek. They stood staring at each other for a moment.

A flicker of remorse softened Abe’s eyes. “Jerry, I—”

He was cut off by a swift punch to the stomach. Walker attempted a second punch, but Abe threw up a fore arm to block, and then grabbed Jerry, and threw him to the ground. Walker pulled Abe down with him, and began clawing at his face, sending Abe’s glasses tumbling.

I felt a sense of dread, as they grappled at one another. I shouldn’t have been concerned. Siblings fight all the time, even when they’re grown. The cosmic matriarch knows that I squabbled with my sister hundreds of times, but I could tell that behind each blow there was unchecked fury. 

Walker threw a knee into Abe’s stomach. Abe didn’t crumple, but instead fell forward wringing Jerry by the throat. “Calm the hell down Jerry!”

I saw him fending off Abe with one hand, and fumbling with some device in his left. Suddenly, I saw it. A cruel black blade flicked out from the cherrywood handle, and Jerry’s thumb slid to lock the blade in place “Get the hell off me!” he grunted as loud as Abe’s grip on his neck would allow, as he plunged the knife into Abe’s stomach. 

A dry lump formed in my throat. Abe suddenly stopped, and rolled over. He was gaping at the knife handle protruding from his body. A bloodstain quickly blossomed on the pristine white fabric, and dripped onto the floor. The human, looked at the knife in his belly, and then at Jerry, no words on his lips. Jerry looked wide eyed at his brother. He scrambled to his feet, and ran past me, and out of the building. 

I dashed after him, and found myself running through a dark forest. I tried to keep him in sight, but he soon ran far ahead, and the dreamscape disintegrated all around me.





That memory, that tidbit of something else’s psyche, haunted me into the next day. Surely that was no pony’s dream. And the memory was… violent, to say the least. Don’t mistake me; I have witnessed many unsavory deeds in my nights of dream walking, some real and some imagined. I have seen far worse. Yet there was something about the brothers’ conflict, and the anger between them, that left a sour taste in my mouth. This was no squabbling of siblings. Walker had been harboring resentment for his brother for quite some time, and this argument had been the final slight. It made my heart ache to see siblings hurt each other so much. The next night, I found myself seeking out the human’s dream once more. I suppose I wanted to see if there was any way I could help.

I finally found the human in a dream scape modeled after Ponyville, in a square flanked by tudor houses and a series of carts that were packed so tightly together they completely blocked off the thoroughfare. Walker knocked on a door to a house, and a pony opened the door. Walker tried to explain that he was in need of some assistance, but the pony shook his head, and gestured to a bloody feather stuck on Walker’s shirt, before slamming the door shut. 

He peeled the feather off of his shirt, but a ugly brown blood stain remained. Undeterred he, knocked on each door, only to hear the clicking of locks, and the rattle of window shutters being slammed shut as he walked by.

The human slumped over in defeat. As he was shaking his head, he eyed a pile of lumber at the center of the square. He shuffled over and picked up a plank, turning it over in his hands. He produced hammer and nail, and began assembling the beginnings of a house. I watched as he lifted plank after plank from a pile of lumber, gradually building a frame. Some ponies gawked and stared, and whispered among themselves that he didn’t belong in their town, but he simply sighed, and continued hammering away. There was an admirable stubbornness to his endeavor. If the town would give him no place to be, he would make a home. Eventually, a lone stallion came out of the crowd, and began helping him. Together they worked on the house, the frame of the building becoming more defined. Together they hammered away, helping one another set the frame in place. 

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

The human managed to lay a sturdy beam across two of the wall frames. The stallion however, instead of nailing the beams together, fixed a rope to the highest crossbeam. The human looked apprehensively at his partner’s odd addition, but continued construction anyway.

As Walker pounded away with his hammer, the stallion began removing the connected boards around the house. Walker tried to put the boards back in place, but by the time Jerry had hammered one board back, the stallion had torn down ten more. On and on the stallion went, with the human frantically trying to repair the damage, until all that remained was scaffolding and a vertical beam supporting a cross piece. The roped dangled from the cross piece, and swung in the breeze. It ended in a noose.

The human tried to run away from the gallows, but his limbs wouldn't move fast enough; it was like he was moving through molasses. He begged the ponies to help him escape, to vouch for him, and above all else, to give him half a chance. But each pony he reached out turned their back to him, as though his life wasn’t worth the mud they scraped off their hooves. They were content to leave him to his executioner. I grit my teeth. A green mare in the crowd tried to rush to his aid, but she couldn’t break through the crowd of ponies. The human watched helplessly.

I watched from afar as the human’s heart pounded, reverberating throughout the entire dream scape. Then the ground shook. Twilight Sparkle, easily four times her size, marched through the crowd, her hoofsteps somehow in sync with the heartbeat. He was trapped, and for a moment, I thought his fear was going to cause him to lash out like he did with his brother. Twilight looked coldly at the human, before magicking him onto the platform. The stallion standing on the platform watched gleefully as the noose found its way around the human’s neck.





It disgusts me to think that Walker's dream reflects how Ponyville has treated him. 

As for Walker’s current whereabouts, I am not entirely certain. Even if I knew, I would not feel at liberty to discuss such matters, at least not until things calm down in Ponyville. 

I hope you will find this information helpful. I will be visiting Ponyville again within the fortnight, and we will continue our discussion in person. 

Yours truly, 
Princess Luna 
> The Shut In (Derpy)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	When I felt a tap on my shoulder I turned around, only to whap Lyra in the face with a mouthful of letters. She looked at me, taken a little off guard.

“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!” I quickly stuffed the letters into the mailbox, and did an about-face. “Are you alright?” 

She gave an uneasy smile. I’m fine, she quickly wrote. I Just wanted to know if Jerry's okay.

“Umm… yeah, he's fine, but I don't think he wants to see anypony—” I was cut off by the notepad being pressed against my eyeballs.

Do you know where he is?

If the last few days were anything to go by, he was back at the apartment, pacing around, and fiddling with his necklace.



Humans act really weird when they get sick. I mean, he didn’t look that sick at all, and he kept on saying he was fine, but I wasn't sure. All he had were a few bruises and a bad case of bed head, although I’m pretty sure that was just because he kept on mussing up his hair with his fingers whenever I asked him about Lucky.

Truthfully, I was beginning to worry about Jerry too. He was acting funny. Usually, he left the apartment in the middle of the night, and came back before the sun rose, and takes a nap during the day. But a few nights ago, I woke to him pacing in the kitchen, fiddling with his beads again. He was muttering to himself, and staring off into the distance. His eyes were bloodshot, and I saw a bruise on his forearm. 

So I asked him, “Are you okay, Jerry?”

He stared at me blankly, saying nothing.

“Well, how was work today?”

“Lucky didn’t need me today,” he murmured. 

“Oh. Um, okay.” I retrieved a muffin from the pantry and brought out Jerry’s jar of peanut butter. That was weird. There was a thin film of dust on top, and there was a certain heft to it. Usually by now Jerry would have gone through the entire jar. “Do you want me to make you breakfast?” I began preparing him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He liked grape jelly a lot more than dandelions.

“Oh. No thanks, I’m not hungry.”

“Are you sure?”

He still was staring out the window that overlooked the main street. “Yeah.  I think I’m just going to hang out in my room.” He sulked back into the doorway. That was also pretty weird. Now that I think about it, He normally ducked to protect his head from the door frames, but this time he walked straight through, letting the door frame graze the hair on the back of his head.  

He wasn’t feeling good the next day, either. I woke up to find him fiddling with his necklace again. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had a serious case of bedhead. 

“Oh my Celestia! You look awful!”

“I had some trouble sleeping last night. A bad dream, I guess.” He stared warily out the window, watching the street, as he did the day before. He looked like he half expected to see herd of manticores right around the corner. I thought he didn't get a wink of sleep. 

“Did you go to work last night?”

“Oh… um, no. Lucky’s not going to need me for a bit, I think.” He fumbled with a tear in his shirt absent mindedly.

“Okay, If you have enough money to hold you over, I guess that works.”

I felt really bad about Jerry being sick. So, before I left for work, I made him some carrot stew. I told Dinky to heat it up, and offer him some when she got back from school. 

When I got back from work, the pot was still on the stove, cold, and untouched. Dinky was sitting in the corner, doodling in her notebook. “Sweetie, did you offer Jerry any of the soup I made?”

“He said he wasn’t hungry.”

I peaked into his room. He was laying on the bed, fiddling with a piece of string. He pulled on it, and the loop tightened around one of his fingers, and he let his hand go limp. It hung there, suspended by a string in the other hand.

He looked up. “Derpy, could you do me a favor?”

“Definitely! What do you need?” I trotted up to his bedside.

He rubbed the back of his head. “Um… If any ponies are looking for me, tell them I’m out having lunch or something.”

“Why would you want to hide from ponies?”

Then he got became even paler, and didn’t answer me. 

“Jerry, you're sick, aren't you?”

“What?”

“You're staying bed all day, and not going to work and acting really weird. Of course you're sick.”

He paused for a moment. “Yeah. Sick. I don’t feel well enough to talk to ponies. But just tell them I’m not here, okay?”

“Okay, but If I were you, I would be trying to keep my strength up. Come on, I made that soup so you would feel better.” He wouldn’t talk much, wouldn’t eat much either. He barely took a sip of my stew. In fact, he refused to leave. I asked him if he wanted to go out and see the vet,  Dr. Horse, to get some medicine. But he insisted that he stay in and that nopony see him.




"Uhh..." I had no idea what I was allowed to tell Lyra, even if she was Jerry's friend. 

I was met with a deeply troubled look from Lyra. Jerry and I were supposed to eat lunch today, and the day before. We do that every day.

“Err… I’m pretty sure he’s around town somewhere.”

She was writing so fast her letters were barely readable. I’ve been looking around town for hours, and I haven’t found anypony who knows where he is. I knocked endlessly on your door, but nopony's there. I think something happened to him. 

I bit my lip. “Can I tell you a secret?” She nodded her head. “Promise not to whisper a word to another soul? Jerry’s sick, and he doesn’t want to see anypony today.”

So he’s really at your house?

“Yeah, but I don’t think he’s well enough to have company.”

My words were lost on the mute mare. She was already dashing off towards my house. 


By the time I caught up with her, she was rustling the door knob. I saw her produce a bobby pin, and screwdriver. “Lyra! What are you doing?”

She magically grabbed her notepad, and began scribbling away. Sorry! I’m just really worried. Lucky told me something about Jerry, and I need to make sure that he’s all right. 

“Well, okay.” I unlocked the door reluctantly.

Lyra marched straight past me, making a beeline for Jerry’s room. Part of me wondered how she knew to find it. She tried the handle, but it was bolted shut from the inside. She gently tapped on the door with her hoof. I heard frantic shuffling and stirring from the inside, but the door remained firmly shut.

Lyra looked at me with worry.

“Um… he’s not feeling well. You shouldn’t be going in there.” I heard cloth rustling.

Lyra puzzled at the door for a moment. She did this kind of special knock. It was like bum dum-dum bummm, bum dum.

The room went quiet for a moment, and then Jerry opened the door a sliver. “Lyra?”

Lyra blew a raspberry at him. 

He stepped out. “Thank god it’s you!” The relief was audible in his voice.

Where were you for lunch the other day? And today? I had to walk home all by myself. 

He glanced back at the room. He must have had a rough nap. His sheets were all braided up and tied together, and were caught under the leg of the bed. The whole rope of sheets trailed from the leg of the bed to out of the window. Huh. 

“Just haven’t been feeling well, is all,” He said numbly. “Haven’t felt like leaving the house much."

Lyra must have saw the sheets too. Sick? Lyra surreptitiously slipped Jerry her notepad. He read it and blanched. 

“Umm… could I see what Lyra said please?” I asked.

He looked at Lyra, and then back at me. He gave a heavy sigh. “Derpy, you know when I said Lucky wasn’t going to need me this week?”

“Is he on vacation?” I couldn’t imagine for the life of me why someone would choose the middle of October to go elsewhere.

“Well, I don’t think he’s going to need me next week. Or the week after.”

“If you’re going to have trouble paying rent this month, I won’t make you pay until Lucky’s back to work.”

“Well, he kinda, fired me.” 

My jaw dropped. “Oh my goodness Jerry! How are you going to become a citizen now?”

Lyra's eyes suddenly lit up, and she galloped out of the door and down the street. Jerry called out after her, but the only response she gave was a wink thrown over her shoulder as she turned a corner out of our sight. Jerry quickly closed and bolted the door.

“Where is she going?”

Jerry sighed, and slumped against door, and fell to the ground. “I have no idea what that mare is up to.”

“But how in all of Equestria are we going to get you to become a citizen now?”

“I think we have bigger… figs to fry right now,” Jerry said. “My job was the only reason Twilight didn't throw me out in the first place. If Twilight, or anypony catches me outside, without a visa and without a job, I'm screwed eight ways to Sunday.”

“Now we really need a plan.”

“Derpy, getting a visa was the closest thing I had to a 'plan'. Why else do you think I've been hiding in my bed all this time?”

I rubbed my temple, trying to work up a brainstorm. We were quiet for a while, me in deep concentration, pacing the kitchen. After a few more minutes, Jerry returned the couch and began fiddling with his beads again, touching them to his forehead. 

Around the fifteen minute mark, I was struck by a bolt of genius. “Why don't you just talk to Twilight?”

He looked up at me. “Excuse me?”

“I know Twilight wants you to leave, but did you ever consider just talking to her, and seeing if you can't get her to see things your way?”

“I already talked with her once, remember? When she gave me her stupid survey thing?”

I frowned. “That doesn't really count. You have a lot of charm, Jerry. I think that if you just explained yourself, she would be perfectly okay with you staying in Ponyville.”

He was about to reply when we heard a frantic knocking on the door. Jerry cursed, and wiggled underneath the couch. He would have been completely out of view if his feet were not sticking out beneath it. I checked the peephole. I sighed. “It's just Lyra.” I unbolted the door.

The unicorn came barreling through the door, huffing and puffing, with a bunch of papers in her telekinetic grasp. Jerry stood up. “Lyra, where did you run off to?”

She dumped the papers on the table, stuck her face into the kitchen sink, and took a few gulps of water. 

“What’s this?” I picked up the papers. 

She wiped her muzzle, shut off the tap, and wrote on her notepad. A new NEWV form. I got Bon Bon to sign it. She proceeded to collapse on the floor, still taking huge breaths. I noted a smudge of frosting in the corner of the paper. 

Jerry frowned. “That’s not going to work Lyra. I need an employer to sign off on this, and in case you haven’t heard, I’m out of a job, and my so called ‘employer’ wants my head on a pike.”

You work for me now. Don’t your remember? You’re the new flutist in my act. She gestured to the form. Sure enough, she had filled out the entire page, gushing about his flute playing abilities. 

Jerry flipped the page, and grinned. “You even got Bon Bon to sign again? Lyra, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He scooped the green mare up off the floor, and wrapped her in a hug. Her cheeks grew a shade redder. “You just saved this poor human’s life.”

“I’ll sign again Jerry!” I snatched up the form, and began making my way down the next blank page. 

“Great! But we still need one more signature,” Jerry said.

“We could always have Dinky sign it,” I suggested.

“She’s not old enough to have her signature bear any legal weight.”

What about Cheerilee? She seemed to like you.

“That’d be great if she were still in town. She’s off visiting family until Christmas.”

What’s Christmas?

“I mean, that winter solstice thing.”

“You mean that goopy stuff doctors put on you?” I asked. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Jerry snapped his fingers, trying to jog his memory. “Hearth’s Warming Eve!” 

“Okay, you worked at the farm for a bit. What about Applejack, or Big Mac?”

“I don’t think either of them would take too kindly to me asking for favors right about now.”

I harrumphed. “I guess they’re still pretty mad about you eating their cows.”

Jerry pinched his brow. “For the last time, I didn’t… never mind.”

I guess it was kind of hard for Jerry to find friends these days. “Maybe we don’t need it to be a friend. Just someone who isn’t afraid of you.”

Jerry grimaced. “Well, that rules out the entire populace of Ponyville.”

“What about Twilight?” I asked.

Jerry went wide eyed. “Are you kidding me? She’s the one trying to get me kicked out! If she sees that I don’t have this form ready, then she’ll be the one to personally escort me back into the woods.”

I shrugged. “I think if you talk to Twilight, and explain everything, she might want to help you.” I paused. “Maybe you should leave out the parts about eating animals, though.”

“What? Tell her that my only two employers fired me because they thought I was dangerous? Tell her that I was framed for breaking into a house? For the last time, I'm not talking to her.”

Lyra was writing on her pad again. I’m with Jerry on with this one. I think we need to talk to somepony else, and make sure that Jerry is an official citizen before he talks to Twilight.

“What about Rarity?” I asked.

Jerry gave pause to this. “Well, she sold me clothes, and gave me a coupon for a free hair cut. That’s more than I can say about half the shop keepers in this town.”

I don’t know, Rarity is very close friends with Twilight. 

“And with Fluttershy,” Jerry grumbled. “But I think she's the best shot we've got.”

“Well, what are we waiting for? let's go get these papers signed!” I shouted, and flew out of the door. It took me a while to realize that Jerry and Lyra were still standing inside, giving me that look again. I sighed and hovered back in doors. “Sorry guys, I thought we were all set to leave.”

“The hell if I'm going outside. Lucky might have the police looking for me. He might be looking for me himself.” 

I'm sick of his lies... Lyra looked down, and scuffed the carpet with her hoof.

Lies.... Lies... there was definitely something that could help us that rhymed with lies. Was it “fries”? “surprise”? 
I grinned widely. “I think I have an idea!” 


The three of us made our way across town, Jerry between me and Lyra. Not that anypony recognized him as Jerry. Few ponies stared at us in the streets, even fewer whispered to their friends. To them, Jerry might have well as been an undercover celebrity. I grinned.

“So guys, was that a great idea, or was that a great idea?” Lyra didn't answer. She was too busy looking everywhere. She seemed pretty on edge.

“This is so stupid,” he muttered, his face obscured by dark glasses, and a wide brimmed hat. A feather peaked out from the brim . The long dark cloaked swished with every step he took. “I can't believe that this is actually fooling them.”

“They probably just think you're a different human.”

Jerry took off his glasses to give me an incredulous look . “And exactly how many humans are running around Equestria besides me?”

“Well, there's an old mare's tale about some yahoo named Gulliver.”

Lyra tapped Jerry on the hip and held her notepad up for him. Eyes on the prize Rinehart, Carousel Boutique is right around the corner.

“You two better scout ahead. Last time, there were... other customers who complicated matters.” Jerry winced.

Lyra and I opened the door, the bell tingling. “Rarity? Are you here?” 

“At your service darling.” She appeared out of the wood work, measuring tape draped across her neck, glasses resting on the bridge of her snout. She smiled demurely. Lyra craned her neck, and peaked behind the folding screen that marked off the changing area. “Anything you're looking for?” Rarity asked, nonplussed. 

Lyra snapped up from her snooping, and grinned apologetically. Oh, just wondering if there was anypony else around. 

“Erm, no. My most recent customer left over an hour ago.”

Lyra shot a glance my way, and closed one of her eyes. 

I scratched my head. “Do you have something in your eye?”

She shook her head. And then tilted her horn towards the entrance. 

“What?” 

Lyra rolled her eyes, and wrote something down, angling the notepad so Rarity couldn't see it. Go get Jerry.

“Oh, why didn't you say so?” Lyra made a funny face. I opened the door a sliver, and beckoned Jerry to come in. He pulled the hat over his head, and stepped inside.

Rarity tensed up as the cloak and hat hit the floor, and remained frozen in place for a brief moment. She stared at Jerry. Jerry stared back. 

Just as quickly, she let out a huge sigh. “Mr. Walker, you certainly know how to make your appearances... dramatic. You simply must stop startling me like that.”

Jerry scratched the back of his head apologetically. “Oh, sorry about that—” 

“My goodness gracious, what in all of Equestria happened to your shirt?” She ran over, and examined a huge tear in his ensemble. “Dear Celestia, pink? Whatever was I thinking?” she muttered to herself. She trotted over to her work desk and retrieved a scrap of paper and magicked over one of the minotaur mannequins. 

“Miss Rarity, I actually didn't come here for new clothes.”

“My dear human, then why would you visit a seamstress if you didn't want a new set of clothes?” Rarity had already began assembling cloth onto the mannequin. From my understanding, Jerry didn't bring any money with him. I got an empty feeling in the pit of my coin purse. “Celestia knows you could use them.”

“I came to ask a favor. I need you to sign something for me.”

Rarity put down her needle and thread, and narrowed her eyes. “If you're selling timeshares, I'm not interested.”

“Not that. I need you to sign this form so that I can become a citizen.”

“And why on earth would you need to do that?”

Jerry paused. “I just need it for a job thing. Tax reasons, and all.”

Rarity turned her attention away from the mannequin. “I'm no expert on these sorts of things, but wouldn't you need Lucky to take care of that for you?”

“Um, well, you see...”

Lyra stepped up. I'm Jerry's new boss. He just needs a couple of character references before he can become my official employee.

“Oh, are you opening a music business of some sort?”

Kind of.

She levitated the forms over to Rarity, who began flipping through them. “Interesting. Although I don't understand why you would even need such a form. It's perfectly fine for one to work here in Ponyville without a visa.”

“It's not so much for the job security as it is for the legal protection,” Jerry replied. 

“How do you mean?”

“Well, there are some ponies that don't take too kindly to my presence in Ponyville, and would very much like to see me thrown back into the woods.”

“And would one of these ponies be my dear friend Twilight Sparkle?” Jerry had no reply other than growing paler at the mention of the unicorn's name. I began nibbling my hoof. She sighed and continued regardless. “Walker, Walker, Walker. Someway, somehow you always end up putting me in an awkward position with my friends.”

I stepped up. “Rarity, If Twilight, or Lucky finds him, and he doesn't have legal protection, he's going to get thrown back into the woods and die.”

She let out a sigh. “I know you'll find this hard to believe, but Twilight truly does have everypony's best interests in mind, even if she being a little thick headed about the whole matter. I'm certain if you just explained yourself to her, she would stop acting so... so... antagonistic.

“But for right now, I do think that you need my good name to protect yours. I will sign, but on the condition you at the very least allow me to make you a new set of clothes. I have much to improve on the original design.” She scrutinized the torn, faded shirt he was wearing.

“Um, okay,” Jerry said. He cast a sideways glance at me, hardly believing his dumb luck. 

Within the half hour, Jerry was being fitted for a new set of corduroy pants, and a blue argyle sweater. “Are you sure you don't want any diamonds on it?” Rarity said, levitating a box of gems over. 

“I'll pass. I'm pretty sure that's out of my price range,” Jerry said. We handed off a sack of twenty bits, and in exchange, we got Rarity's signature. Jeremiah held the paper in his hands, and for the first time in days, I saw him smile. 
Jerry rolled up the sleeves, and presented himself to Lyra, “Well, how do I look?” he asked with a huge grin. 

She returned his smile as her pen danced across the page. You look very handsome. 

We said our thank you's and good bye's to Rarity, and made our way to the door. I picked up the folded cloak and hat. “Jerry, shouldn't you go back to incognito?” I asked.

Jerry stood on the precipice of the door, and watched as the sunshine spread across the crisp autumn day. The leaves on the trees were every shade of gold, orange and red. Some ponies in the distance squinted at him, but didn't seem so perturbed as they did before. “I'm feeling a little cocky. I'll think I'll go without this time. It's such a beautiful day, isn't it?”

Before I could protest, Jerry and Lyra were already making their way towards town hall, and I had no choice but to trot after them. The two of them were practically bouncing with joy by the time we arrived at town hall. Everypony we passed by tilted their heads at the three of us, but did nothing to recoil in fear or disgust. 

And that's when we met you. You didn't say much when we slid the papers across your desk. You just looked at the three of us with curiosity, but you took the form and within a few minutes you reappeared with a little card. “You're eligible to re-apply after two years, enjoy your time in Ponyville,” you said. You went back to sorting papers.

“Jerry, we did it—” I began, but I found myself in a tight embrace with Jerry's face smushed between Lyra's and mine. 
“Lyra, Derpy, I have absolutely no idea what I would do without the two of you.” His voice cracked a little bit as he said those words. We all stayed there for a moment, huddled up in the middle of town hall. 

Eventually, Lyra nuzzled his cheek. I think we ought to go out and celebrate somewhere! 

“Hold on, we’re not quite done,” I heard Jerry say. He let go, dusted himself, and approached the counter, his posture and gait just that more confident and hopeful. You looked up from your desk at him. “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, would you get me the proper forms for a fishing license?”

> The Signator (Spike)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	One hundred and fifty four signatures. I sighed, and rubbed my aching legs. For the past four days, I spent every spare moment going door to door with my clipboard. I was making progress, but I still had a ways to go to reach the two hundred minimum if my petition was going to carry any legal weight. I was ready to do whatever it took for non equines to have all the same rights as ponies, and whatever it took for me to be able to call myself a citizen of Ponyville. 

I had visited every mule and donkey in Ponyville proper that knew how to read and got their signature. So far, I even convinced a few ponies to sign. Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity were quick to support my efforts. 

I went to Sweet Apple Acres, and explained my campaign to Big Mac and Applejack. Apple Bloom wandered into the kitchen and started listening in. AJ seemed pretty bummed out, and left before I could even ask her to sign. Apple Bloom offered to sign in place of her sister. I'm not sure if her signature counted, but I let her anyways.

Perhaps the most surprising signator of all was Twilight. I'm not entirely sure if she signed because she actually believed that non-equines should be eligible for citizenship, or because she didn't want me to be mad at her anymore. If her haste to get the human banished was anything to go by, I'd assume the latter. A signature was still a signature, even if it was signed for the wrong reason.

I had a feeling I was going to need more than just a stack of signatures if I wanted to see my vision become reality. Ponyville's is a town that's stuck in it's ways, and those ways don't embrace non-ponies. However, I think you are well aware of that. 

The point was, I realized I was going to need support, and more support than Twilight's pity would afford me. All of the folks I talked to didn't seem especially eager to join my cause. Apple Bloom might have wanted to help, but I didn't know how much a little filly with a curfew could help me lead a protest.

Then again, I had a curfew and a bedtime. I sighed, collapsing to the ground. I was already exhausted and it wasn't even two in the afternoon. It slowly dawned on me how big of a job I decided to take on. One baby dragon's time and energy wasn't enough. If I didn't find someone else to help me, the whole movement would collapse in on itself before It begun.

I struggled back to my feet. I glimpsed a tall lanky figure in the distance, sitting at a little outdoor table. Was that the human? I squinted, and walked closer.

He was sitting at one of the outdoor tables of this café by the edge of town, sipping water, and munching away on a breakfast salad. He was missing his pink clothes, and in their place, he wore a navy sweater and a pair of pants that weren't falling apart. He looked remarkably presentable. I could hardly recognize him, aside from being the one human in town. You know what I mean. I looked at him, then my clipboard, then back at him. I felt a grin spread across my face. If there was anybody to help my cause, it was the human. 

I ducked underneath the rope divider of the restaurant, and approached the wire table. “Hiya Mr. Human,” I said cheerfully. I wanted to show that we were on the same team. My efforts were not as successful as I hoped. He looked up and around, scratching his head. None of the other customers returned his gaze. 

I cleared my throat. “Down here.”

“Oh... um, hello there.”

I offered my claw to him. “I'm Spike the Dragon, and would you mind if I borrow a moment of your time?”

He looked at me with a good deal of caution. “Well met.” He gingerly gripped my claw with his thumb and forefinger, and then offered me the opposite seat. “You're not Twilight's dragon, are you?”

I hesitated. “I am, but that's not why I'm here.” I slid my clipboard forward across the table. 

He put down his fork, and read and then re-read the cover page. “I don't get this.”

“It's simple. We non-equines don't have the same rights as the ponies. We're not even considered official citizens. I'm trying to change that. I think I could use your help.”

He looked at me warily. “You want more than my signature, don't you...”

“I think if we work together, we could do more than just get this petition to city hall. We actually could change something! You've become more than just a human. You're a symbol to all the mules and donkeys, and all the other non-equines to what happens if we step out of line.”

He steepled his fingers, and pressed them against his forehead with a hearty sigh. “Spike, is it?” I nodded my head. He continued. “I don't think I'm in any position to be rocking the boat in Ponyville.”

“I think rocking the boat just might be your only option, Mr. Human.”

“Walker, call me Walker.”

“Okay, Walker. What I'm saying is, you're down and out. Hay, half the ponies here are rearing to kick you out. I think it's in everyone's best interest if you align yourself with the rest of the non-eqs. We'll work together to actually mean something in our own community. Don't you want to be able to vote, to own property without being taxed? Get a legally recognized marriage?”

“'Non-eqs'? Is that what we're calling ourselves?” He shook his head. “I'm just trying to live day by day Spike.”

I slammed my claw into the table. “But how can you do that when you're out of a job, and these ponies are this close from chasing you out of town!”

The human grinned. “False and false.” He retrieved a card from his pocket. “Non-equine visa. I'm working for Lyra now, and I got this bit of legal protection keeping me in Ponyville. I think things are finally looking up right about now.”

He turned around and gestured to the interior of the restaurant. “I found a restaurant that lets me eat inside.” He frowned. “Well, technically I'm only supposed to sit outside. Regardless, the waiter is becoming my friend, and he says that they might consider me for a job if somepony leaves." 

I looked around. None of the ponies were giving Walker any trouble, but I also noticed he had the entire half of the outdoor area to himself. I watched as a couple of unicorns whispered something to the waitress. She nodded, and scooped up a couple of menus from the table adjacent to us, before leading them inside. I turned back to Walker, and raised an eyebrow. 

“Okay, so usually, I stay back while Lyra orders the food, and I give her some bits to pay for it. We would eat lunch that way. But a few days, ago, I wanted a snack, and so I thought, well, what’s the worse that could happen? I’ll leave if they start yelling. And you know what happened when I came here, right here, and asked for a smoothie?” There was a twinkle in his eye. 

“What?”

“They gave me one!” He broke into a huge grin. “That waiter sat me down at a table, like I was a normal paying customer, poured me a glass of water, and then he asked me what I’d like to order.”

“That sounds… expected.”

He didn’t seem to hear me. “Get this; I’ve been talking with Silver Platter, and he’s cool. He says that one of the waitresses is about to go on maternity leave, and I should ask the manager if I can fill in for her. He told me that I’d probably be good at carrying trays, on account of my hands and all.”

“They won't even let you eat inside! What makes you think they'd actually hire you?”

The smile slowly dropped from his face. He sighed, and stabbed at his salad dejectedly. “Baby steps, Spike, baby steps. They let me eat here, and that's more than I can say about any other restaurant. It might not seem like it, but I'm making progress, slowly...” Another sigh. “But surely.”

“Don’t you want more out of your life here? Don’t you want to know that you’ll be treated as an equal?” I stood up in the chair, and put my claws on the table.

“Spike, I just want to go home. I’m hoping that if I can wait here in Ponyville, I’ll be able to find something that will lead me back. I’m not in a position to be demanding things of Ponyville. I've only had my work visa for less than two weeks. I just need to play it cool, and wait for everypony to accept me as someone who isn’t going to go off the deep end. I'm not going to throw away all the progress I've made.”

He took a sip of water, and a breeze ruffled his hair. “I went into Rarity’s boutique the other day, and she made me another pair of pants. I bought carrots from some pony, and they told me to have a good day. Don’t you see Spike? These ponies, they’re beginning to warm up to me. This is not the time to be rocking the boat.”

“We're talking about ponies who chased you out of a job.”

“Spike I don't think you understand. You’re an accepted member of the community. Ponies value you.”

“Hardly,” I muttered bitterly.

He didn't seem to hear me. “I haven't earned that acceptance yet.”

“You shouldn't need to win a popularity contest to earn basic rights! This is what I'm talking about. This is why we have to organize.” I pounded my fist.

“I'm not going to stand up on a podium and preach why I should be allowed to stay when Twilight is waiting around every corner with a net.”

“If we change the law, Twilight, or anypony else wouldn't have the right to banish you just because of your species.”
He crossed his arms. “I don't think you understand. I have a good number of ponies that want to see me gone, especially if I was trying to become a full citizen. I'm certain they could all find a way to have me taken away before we get any law to pass."

“So you're afraid of Twilight Sparkle.”

“Well, lets see. She has the power and desire to send me back into the crazy forest. Yes, I'm very afraid.”

“Have you ever had a conversation with her?”

“Not an actual conversation. She asked me if I had wings and stuff like that. It was very one-sided.”

I rubbed my chin, having a stroke of brilliance. “Mr. Walker, I have a deal to offer.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “I can arrange a chat between you and Twilight, if you're willing help me with this petition.”

“So in exchange for agreeing to help you, you're going to throw me into the lion's den.”

“If you give me this chance, I can get Twilight on your side.”

“You mean the mare that was doing everything in her power to send me off to live with dragons?” he snapped. I returned a harsh glare. He slunk down in his seat a little bit. “No offense, of course,” he muttered.

“Okay, maybe she won't be on your side, but I think that giving her a second impression of you, outside of all of the gossip and lies that have been going around, would certainly sway her opinion.” I noticed a mare on the opposite side of the patio looking at the two of us suspiciously. I ignored her gaze.

Walker drummed his fingers on his now empty plate. “Or, I could just avoid Twilight, and not have to deal with the situation.”

“You said yourself that you need to get ponies to warm up to you. Twilight's an influential pony, believe it or not. I'm sure that if you sat down and had a conversation with her, she'd start questioning all of the rumors. If she starts questioning them, all the 
other ponies might just follow suit.”

He tapped his fork against the plate, and stared into his glass. After a minute of fidgeting, he spoke. “What would I be doing? Just going door to door?”

That didn't exactly sound like a “yes”, but it sure wasn't a “no”. I shrugged. “That's what's been working.”

Jerry grimaced. “I don't think anypony would exactly want me showing up on their doorstep.”

“True....”

“Look Spike, if it means it will get Twilight Sparkle off of my back, I'll sign. But I don't think I'm the one to win over Ponyville.” He took the clipboard in hand.

“Well, if anyone's had the full treatment of the Ponies' worst, its you. I just might need to have you speak about your experiences. “

He shrugged once more. “I guess I could do that.”

“Excellent, come over if you can tomorrow. Twilight will be in the Library, and you two can talk things over.”

“What should I say?”

“I don't know. I'm sure if you just actually explain yourself, you won't find her to be so hostile.”

He pinched his brow. “Now you're sounding like Derpy and Rarity.”

“Trust me on this one. Twilight can be stubborn, but she's not thickheaded. Not usually, anyways. Give her a chance to see that you're not as bad as everypony is telling her you are. So, what do you say, meet me outside the library, tomorrow at four?” I offered my claw. 

He reluctantly reached out and shook it. The words seemed to hang on his lips, like he wanted to take them back the moment he said them. “...I'll see you then.”

> The Patron (Twilight)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I think ponies mistake my role in this whole fiasco. The princess asked me to work alongside the mayor, and act as her advisor in regard to the human. Seeing how the mayor kept on deferring our meetings about the subject, I had to act alone at some points.

You have to understand, I didn't have a lot of concrete information to rely upon. All I knew for certain was that there was some odd creature who came out of the Everfree Forest and killed Fluttershy's animal friends. Next, this creature decides that it wants to live in our town and eat cows. What am I supposed to think? I was told by our princess to handle the situation in her absence, and I did what I thought was cautious and prudent. I'm sure if I had actually known a little more initially, I could have found an adequate solution. 

My scarce information was not for lack of trying. I was compiling a report about the human, just like you are. Would you like to see it? It’s only incomplete because I never had a chance to speak with him personally… Okay, well that’s not exactly true. I had a preliminary interview, but that was brief. I was only seeing if he could fit in with another species. I had another interview planned with him, but that one was, um... postponed. 

I actually did speak with him briefly. He sort of dropped by one day. It was rather fitting, because at the moment I was trying to compile my notes on the human into a half way decent essay. This was very difficult to accomplish since I had no concrete data to rely upon.


The bell above the door jingled. “Twilight?” 

I looked up from my research. He was peaking from the door “Yes, Spike?”

He scratched the spines on the top of his head. “Um, we have somebody that wants to get some books.”

I shot him a look. “You mean somepony.”

He hesitantly slid back, and the door opened fully.

A non pony visiting the library was a rare sight. I had a inkling that whoever this visitor was was part of Spike's silliness. Nevertheless, it was my job to be amiable to all who were using the library. I turned to greet the mule, or donkey, or whatever waited beyond the door frame. “Hello! Is there anything—” I gulped as the creature stepped in. “I can help you with?”

The human ducked inside and stood towering over me. Gone were his ratty pink clothes, and in their place, a soft blue sweater, and tan pants. He looked down at me in only the way an angry carnivore wearing corduroy could. I knew in my heart of hearts, if there was anypony he was going to kill, it was going to be me. I was the one who had ordered him relocated. I was the one who held his fate in my hooves, and I had turned that against him.

I swallowed a knot in my throat. He might have been big, but I had magic on my side. It looked like I was going to have to take responsibility for my decisions. I wasn't about to let him just eat me and Spike. I took a battle stance. Haunches lowered, horn directly forward. I was careful to not break eye contact. Instead of charging at me, or taking out his knife, he squatted down, until he was eye level with me. “Easy there. I’m here to get a library card,” he said.

I grimaced. “I’m sorry, but only residents of Ponyville are allowed to obtain library cards. If you would be so kind as to leave” I took a step backwards and then scolded myself. I didn't know how humans reacted to body language. That could have been perceived as an invitation to attack.

He reached into his pocket, and I tensed further into my battle stance. Instead of the knife, he pulled out a plastic card. “Actually, I just so happen to have a two year non-equine work visa, and I am entitled access to the public library for the duration of my stay.” He spoke the words as if learned in rote.

“He's right you know,” I heard Spike say, as the pitter patter of little feet marked his re-entrance. 

I frowned once more. I slowly backed up until I was next to Spike. Not once did I break eye contact. If I turned around, or looked down, or even hesitated, it could mean our deaths. The human fidgeted uncomfortably under my gaze. “Spike,” I whispered harshly. “What in all of Equestria is the human doing in our house?”

“He said he wanted a library card,” he replied bluntly. Much to my surprise, the human actually broke eye contact, and started examining the book shelves. What would an animal possibly want to do with books and library cards?

I turned to Spike, keeping the gangly beast in my peripheral vision. “Is this part of your little survey thing? I don't see how letting this rabid human into our home does anything except put the two of us in danger!”

Spike rolled his eyes. “What you have is someone looking for a library card. Because our house just so happens to be a giant tree library.”

“He's not supposed to even live in Ponyville! He's not entitled to a library card.”

“Twilight, he has a work visa. He can get a library card. If you don't give him one, you could be in danger of losing your position as town librarian.”

The human must have overheard us. He turned around, and offered the card from across the room. Hesitantly, I levitated it over, and examined it. I couldn't figure out for the life of me how he managed to secure a steady job, let alone the right to live here. I made a mental note to investigate the matter later.

I grumbled, and floated the visa back to him. I wasn't going to risk my position as librarian just because somepony else goofed up and gave a chicken murderer the right to live in town (even when I advised against it, but I digress). I supposed I'd just have to humor the human, Spike and their little political stint. “Is there anything in the librarian's guidebook about work visas?” 

Spike presented a tome to me, pulling out the bookmark ribbon, and opening the to the appropriate page. “There's a mention of it in the law book,” he said.

“Let me see.” I levitated the book over and parsed through the legalese.

Spike relinquished his grip, and looked at me smugly. “I believe you'll find it in the fifth paragraph.”

I traced my hoof back, and sure enough there the passage was. Griffons with a non-equine work visa are permitted access to all public services outside the field of medical care and public education.

I squinted up at Spike, wondering what he was so satisfied about. I turned back to the human, and bristled. His gaze had wandered toward my desk. I eeped as I realized every note I had on my human report was scattered everywhere. He picked up one of the sketches, and furrowed his brow.

I levitated the paper out of his hands with a nervous chuckle, and quickly stacked all the papers, face down. For good measure, I threw a large tome on top of it. “Heh, just a little project of mine.”

“Huh.”

He didn't seem ready to attack, so I cleared my throat and continued. “Well Mr. Human, technically you're not a griffin, but I think that it is within the spirit of the law to allow you access to a library card. I can't imagine why you would need one, though.”

“To read books?”

I paused to look at him. “You can read Equish?”

“Yes, I can read.” He took a moment to roll his eyes. “It’s a little hard with pony writing because all the letters are squished together, but I can still read.”

“Where did you learn how to do that?”

He shrugged. “Parents taught me, and I learned more in school.”

I blinked. “Excuse me, it’s just that I never conceived that you would possibly had an education.”

“Fourteen years of it.”

My jaw nearly dropped. He’d been studying almost as long as I've been alive. Did that mean, he had done more research than I did? But how could that even be possible, unless... “What else do humans have?”

“Like schools?”

“Anything.” I pulled my notes out from the under the book, and levitated over a quill. I quickly began sketching down my findings. 

He shrugged again. “Hospitals, grocery stores, libraries…” he paused to take a look around. “Town stuff, really.”

I nearly squeed with delight. It looked like I just might be able to give a thorough report to Celestia after all. I wouldn't want to dishonor her with incomplete research. I was going to have to redraft the conclusion though. 

The human's voice interrupted my train of thought. “Are you taking notes?”

“Umm... yes?”

“Why?”

I swallowed nervously. “You see, since you're the first human we've encountered in recent history, I was tasked with studying you.”

“If you were studying me, why did you try to kick me out of Ponyville?”

I sighed. “Between the chicken, the cow, and all the stories I heard about you, I had a...”

“Fear?” Spike offered.

I shot the baby dragon a harsh glance. “...A reasonable apprehension about having you so close to civilization. I have qualms against letting wild carnivores living amongst my loved ones,” I said.

“So you're solution was to throw me into the woods to die,” the human said with a scowl.

“I tried to find another social species for you to live with, but they would be more dangerous than any forest I could put you in. I was hoping if we put you back in the forest, you would find your pack of humans again.”

“Do you think I would even be here if it was possible for me to go home? I can't because, despite all the freaking magic in all of you, you can't find a way to get me back where I belong. I barely survived that death trap you call woods.”

“I don't think you understand. Would a human have reacted any differently if a manticore had wondered into their home from out of nowhere, and wanted to live in their town? My first duty in is to ponies. I have to consider their safety before yours.” The human had no response. Spike gave an angry snort as I continued. “But it seems that you're slightly more civil than I originally thought. As long as you're not making trouble, and you're contributing to our community by working, I suppose I can give you a library card.”

“Gee, thanks,” the human said.

“Spike, would you get the blank cards?” 

Without comment, Spike handed us a card. The human scribbled out the proper information on a separate form. Within minutes, I hoofed over the card to him. He took it between his fingers, unsure of what to do. He cast an uncertain glance at Spike.
I wasn't entirely sure what he was doing. He seemed uncertain himself. “Well, would you like to check out a book now?” I asked hesitantly.

“Sure...” He scratched the back of his head. “Do you have a King James Bible?” he asked after a moment of deliberation.

I leafed through the catalog. “I'm sorry, I don't think we have that book in this branch of the library. I do believe I saw a book like that in the Canterlot archives. I can root through their collection if you're really pining after it.” I tapped my hoof to my chin. I went out on a limb, and guessed that the book might be lost in the woodwork in our own library. I made a mental note to look for the book next time I have Spike spruce up the place. Maybe it was thrown into the trunk of older books. I would have to see the librarian's log to be certain. The puzzle certainly had me stumped.

“I'll just do without it,” he said. 
He stood there silently for another awkward moment, looking at Spike. I cleared my throat. “Well, if you're not going to be checking out any books, I have quite a bit of research to be doing, so—”

“Hey Twilight,” Spike yelped. “Why don't you ask Walker some questions for your report?”

I grimaced. The last thing I wanted to was tempt fate by letting into my home a second time “Spike, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.”

“What would Celestia think if her faithful student gave her a poorly researched report?”

I began nibbling my hoof. I kept glancing back at my desk, and back at the human. “I guess it would fill in some gaps in my body paragraphs.”

The human shot a quizzical glance at Spike. “I didn't think this is what you had in mind.”

Spike motioned with his claws. “Just go with it,” he whispered across the room.

I cocked an eyebrow. “Pardon?”

The human swiveled back towards me. “Sorry, what were you saying about research?”

“Since you already have a job, and a work visa, there's not much else to be done about your present situation. I suppose there wouldn't be any harm in asking you a few questions.”

“Right now?” he asked. He didn't seem especially eager to have another research interview.

“Now is a good a time as any. I don't want to have Princess Celestia wait on my report.” The human cast a glance at the door, biting his lip. “Or, we could schedule a time.”

“Rescheduling?” The human sent another questioning look to Spike. Spike replied with a firm nod. “I guess I can do that,” he said with a sigh.


We made plans to have an interview at the library over some tea for the next Saturday.

We never had that interview though. The day he came to the library was three days before Nightmare Night.
> The Vocalist (Lyra)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Sorry, this might take a while. I'm not used to writing like this.

Go on, give it a try. It'll come naturally.

He looked at the instrument hesitantly, and brought it to his lips. He wiggled his marvelous fingers before gently placing them over the buttons.

My, those hands of his. I loved the way he drummed his fingers when he spoke, and when he played with the beads of his mother's necklace. Most of all, I loved watching him write. His hand writing was so clean, so precise, from the way he dotted his periods, to the way he looped his B's. I could watch him write for hours and hours and hours. His writing was so much more elegant and swift, far outpacing my clumsy horn.

He drew breath and let out an airy note that turned quickly into an atonal shriek.

I winced.

He examined the silver flute. “I think it might be broken.”

It's fine. Just keep trying.

For the next half hour, I was assailed by all the horrifying sounds I never knew a flute could make.

Okay, so maybe Jerry wasn't the best flute player. It didn't matter. The goal wasn't to have a flute solo amidst my harping, however nice that would have been. The point was to show the town that Jerry was more than an animal, in the most pony way possible; artistic expression.

I levitated the instrument away from him.

“You think we should try something else?”

I tapped my hoof to my chin, recalling when I first met him. I remembered his voice drifting through the field. Well, you already know how to sing!

“I don't know any pony songs.”

That doesn't matter, we can sing a human song. I'll just figure what to play from hearing you sing.

“You can do that?”

It's a skill you pick up as a musician. Go on. Sing.

He deliberated for a moment, then cleared his throat.

How many years can a mountain exist
before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, how many years can some people exist
before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, how many times can a man turn his head
pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind.
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
He stopped and looked at me.

I gave him a round of applause.

“You like it?”

I nodded enthusiastically. It's very pretty, I wrote. We practiced a bit more, and I managed to figure out a pattern to pluck out. It wasn't well suited for the lyre, but a tweak here or there and nopony would even notice.



I don't think you came to watch me write a novel about my practice sessions with him, though.



He opted not to wear a costume on Nightmare Night, much to my chagrin. I went more for a minimal design myself, wearing only a set of fake lady bug wings on my back. Jerry looked out of place, in his oddly formal attire for such a festive night. Well, then again, he wasn't the only one out of place. Rarity was wearing some sort of ball gown among all of the mummies and jaguars.

The whole town was astir, excited to have Princess Luna return, this time, as an honored guest. She was invited to sit alongside some of Ponyville's big wigs as the judge for all of the night's contests. First, there was the costume contest, followed by the music contest. That was going to be Jerry's and my time to shine.


I opened the letter, and read it one last time.


Jerry,
In the two short months I have known you, you've become one of my best friends. You know how to make me smile. You always listen to me, whether I'm writing down my thoughts or problems, or just playing music. You make me feel like I have a voice. Even though I'm supposed to be the one helping you, you've done so much for me as well. I don't care what other ponies say about you; you have a heart of gold, and I know you wouldn't ever hurt a pony, and you would never consider eating another living animal again.

I can't seem to imagine what I did with myself before we started spending time together. I trust you, and I feel that you trust me. I haven't felt like this in a long, long time.

I know that no pony would ever understand the way I feel about you, but I love you. I want to see you everyday, to do stupid couple things with you.

Well, that was the first page of the letter, anyways. I have a lot of feelings, okay?

I saw Jerry coming up to me, and I quickly stuffed the stack of papers back into the envelope, and stuffed the envelope into a pocket beneath my lady bug costume. I had to find the right time to give it to him.

Where'd you run off to?

“I was just talking to Zecora, the zebra,” he said, scratching his head. “It seems like she didn't have a friendly welcome to Ponyville either, but she's just fine living in the forest.”

I eyed him worriedly. Don't tell me you're actually thinking about living in that awful forest.

“It's working for her. Nopony even seems to notice.”

You're not Zecora. You have an entirely different situation than her.

“I'm just wondering what happened that she can just walk around town like it's nothing.”

Well, she cured some ponies of a bad case of poison joke.

“You're serious? All she did to be accepted was cure a rash? But everypony thought she ate ponies!”

To be fair, nopony ever saw Zecora kill a chicken. I eyed the striped mare suspiciously. Nopony has questioned her occasional visits to town since the poison joke incident. Yet, she still insisted living in the woods. What was so bad about Ponyville that even after we stopped hiding from her, and accepted her into our community, she preferred the creepy lonesome woods?

I looked him up and down quizzically. I still wasn't happy that he was wearing the same sweater and pants he always did. I didn't know much about other humans, but if Jerry was anything to go by, they weren't a festive bunch. Are you sure you don't want a costume? We could go back to my house and cut up an old sheet really quick.

“Trust me Lyra, I'm plenty scary as is. The last thing I need is a costume to spook ponies even more.”

I thought a costume might help him show that he's one of us, and has the same traditions. He told me that they had Nightmare Night where he came from, and they called it Halloween. I was a little upset by his particularly unfestive nature.

“Um, howdy there Mr. Walker. Lyra too, I reckon.”

Jerry immediately stiffened, and did an about-face. “Ms. Applejack,” he said.

She offered Jerry a small satchel of bits. “Your pay.” She avoided his gaze, opting to examine a particularly interesting piece of cobblestone by her hoof.

“What?”

“When you were working on the farm, the... thing happened.” The orange mare, in her trademark scarecrow costume, was scratching the back of her head, sending bits of hay falling to the ground. “You never came back to get the money you earned.”

“I was under the impression that I wasn’t welcome back,” Jerry said coldly.

“Ah'm still not sure what happened that day. Not many ponies came back after that whole mess of trouble. We couldn't finish the harvest, and we had to sell off most of our land.” Applejack swallowed hard and looked away.

“I'm sorry to hear that.” His voice was flatter than I've ever heard it.

AJ hoofed over the sack to Jerry. “Ah wish we had enough to pay you in full, but it's a few bits short. If you go to the stand all the way down the next street, Apple Bloom will give you some free apple pies, or something.” 

“Um…thank you.” He looked at the sack of bits as though it were a particularly tasty bit of food that had fallen on the ground. After a moment’s deliberation, he put it into his pocket. 

Jerry scratched his head, and avoided Applejack’s gaze. Finally he looked her in the eyes. “Why?”

“Pardon?” AJ cocked an eyebrow.

“Why let ponies chase me off your land, but still pay me?”

“Because I’m an honest mare, and I ain’t going to cheat you out of the work you did, even if I never wanted you working in the first place.” AJ let out another sigh. Without another word, she trotted off.

Jerry was playing with the beads of his necklace again.

Is something wrong?

“I ruined her, Lyra. I ruined her harvest, and her livelihood.”

I flipped a page. You didn't, all those ponies that chased you are responsible.

“If Big Mac hadn't hired me, she'd still have her farm.”

It worried me to see Jerry like this. I decided to change the subject. That's their problem. Let's just focus on having a good time, and our performance. You did vocal warm ups, right?

Jerry frowned. “Was I supposed to?”

“Cupcake?” We were greeted by a smiling Pinkie Pie walking toward us. She offered a tray resting on her back. She was clad in a patchwork dress. “You two seemed to be awfully mopey, and we can't have that, not with the princess visiting! Only thrills, chills and good food on Nightmare Night!”

Jerry was momentarily offset by her sudden cordiality, but he took one look at the pastries and licked his chops, spooking a nearby colt. “Don't mind if do.”

I raised an eyebrow at Pinkie. I thought you were afraid of Jerry.

“And isn't it super duper fantastically fun to be scared out of your horseshoes?”

Jerry unwrapped one of the foils and took a bite. His eyes lit up as he chewed. “This is amazing! What do you put in these?”

“Oh shucks, a dash of this, a Dash of that. You two have super scary fun!” Pinkie giggled and bounced off.

He lifted the pastry to his mouth again.

Jerry, singers aren't supposed to eat sweets before a performance! While he was distracted reading my note, I levitated the cupcake towards me and stuffed the entire thing in my mouth. Jerry wasn't too happy about that. Once I finished, I grabbed the notepad, and pointed to the outdoor stage. Come on, let's grab a seat.

We were the first ones to arrive. We took our seats on the left side, and within moments, Bon Bon joined us. She was dressed as Sweet Hoof, some sort of candy themed villain. She was wearing a dress sewn to look like licorice, and earrings shaped like peppermints. I grimaced. I looked shabby by comparison.

I angled my notepad towards her. Did you bring the you know what?

“Oh, yep, I wrapped it up for you,” She patted a package underneath the seat. After Jerry had gotten his fishing license, I had spent hours picking out a fishing rod for him. Bon Bon said I should wait to give it as a gift. And what better occasion for gifts then our first performance together?

Bon Bon produced a piece of pumpkin bread. “Remember how I helped Carrot Top with her baking? I got something from her cart, and I thought we might share a piece.” She smiled.

Jerry and I split a cupcake already. Can't have any more, I have to watch the waistline. I poked my belly for emphasis.

“Split? That's one version of events,” Jerry scoffed. I playfully hit his shoulder.

“Oh, okay,” Bon Bon said, looking down, and dropping the bread next to her with a sigh.

I grinned. Ponies began to fill the benches. They were eager to avoid Jerry. The seats on the right half filled quickly. Reluctantly, they started filling in the left, opting for the seats furthest from the three of us. Slowly ponies took seats closer and closer to us, until there was one stallion staring hesitantly at the only seat left, directly next to Jerry. He eyed the seat, then the stage, then the human. He pulled at the collar of his costume uncomfortably.

“No one claimed this one yet, if you're looking a seat,” Jerry said.

“I, um, I... Thank you.” The stallion took to the absolute edge of the seat, giving Jerry as much breadth as possible.

I gave Jerry a reassuring smile. He sighed and settled in as the curtain on the stage was drawn.

Mayor Mare walked on stage, wearing the same clown wig she did every year. She was never one to embrace change. She made the introductions, and a hearty welcome to Princess Luna, who sat at the judge's table, alongside some other members of the town government. The princess gave a sheepish wave to the audience, eliciting a round of whistles and applause. She was much more well received this year than last. Maybe we were used to her, or maybe she stopped using that booming voice of hers.

The first contestant on stage was Rarity, with her fancy yellow ball gown. I wouldn't call it Nightmare Night material, but the crowd seemed to like it. And so the next few went up, a robot, a witch, and a scarecrow. I started getting antsy, about our upcoming performance. The moment they were done with all of the costumes, the musical performances would be next. They would call us back behind the outdoor stage, where we would wait. We were the last to sign up, so we were going to be the last to perform. My decision to “hire” Jerry and sign up for the contest was a last minute, so I wasn't surprised.

We were going to be going to be back stage for a while, just the two of us. Maybe I should give him the letter then. I looked up to him, trying to guess if that would be prudent.

He was staring straight at the stage, clenching his fist. His face contorted in rage and devastation. It was the look of a stallion watching helplessly as his home was devoured by parasprites.

I followed his gaze to the stage. There, a young colt wore a tattered pink shirt. He wore a wig of unkempt, wild hair encompassing his mane and face, and his jaw clamped down on a rubber chicken. A sling hung from his neck, containing a stuffed replica of one of Jerry's arms. He had spurted himself in splotches of ketchup, and he was growling angrily at the audience.

I tried to reach my notepad, but Jerry was already up, storming off so quickly he nearly knocked the stallion next to him off the bench. Ponies cleared away from the fuming human as he stalked out of the crowd.

I chased after him. I had no such ease navigating through the crowd. I wanted more than anything to be able to call to him. I finally managed to break through the throng of ponies, and I saw Jerry turn the corner six blocks away. I galloped after him. What I'd give to be able to shout! I got within a hundred yards of him when he turned out of the center of Ponyville, and I was so out of breath, I had to break back into a trot. I tried to give that piercing whistle he was teaching me to do, to get his attention. My efforts yielded a breathy, feeble note. Where was he going?

It was my good fortune that I knew Ponyville like the back of my ear, and Jerry was not running, but only walking at a brisk pace. I followed him to the edge of town, where the cobblestone road gave way to a beaten path, and structures gave way to trees. I gulped. He was heading to the Everfree Forest.

He was thirty yards away, heading down the winding path that led into a clearing. With a final burst of energy, I galloped forward and caught up with Jerry. I tackled him down. He thrashed and thrashed until I lit my horn, illuminating the clearing around us. We both untangled ourselves, and he got up angrily.

“Leave me alone, Lyra.”

What are you talking about? You just stormed off.

“I think it's very clear now that I'm just a god damn monster to you ponies, and that's all I'll ever be.” He continued off into the forest.

I cut him off. Where are you going? I had to levitate my notebook directly in front of his face for him to stop and read it.

“I'm finding out how to get back home, and I'm going back the way I came.”

But the forest is dangerous! You could get hurt!

“What does it matter? I'm a monster, and monsters belong in the Everfree Forest. This is where Twilight and all of those ponies want me, anyways.” In the glow of my horn, I saw that tears were rolling down his face.

Jerry leaned into a nearby tree, and slid into a sitting position, his face buried in his arms.

I walked over to him. It made my heart ache to see him like this, but I had to be the one to comfort him. I pulled out my notebook. You're not a monster, just misunderstood. I understand you. And you understand me. You're one of my best friends, Jerry, and I... I stopped writing, I didn't think this was the time to tell him.

Look, I know it might not seem like it now, in the middle of a dark creepy forest, alongside the whole costume thing, but you can find a place among ponies, and I'm going to help you every step of the way. I can't do that if you charge headfirst into the forest every time we're going on stage.

He wiped his eyes. “I guess we'll just chalk it up to stage fright.”

I gave a silent chuckle and I coaxed a small smile out of him. But there were still storm clouds in his eyes. I continued writing. I know you want to go home, and we'll find a way to do that somehow, but let's do that in a way that won't get you eaten by a chupacraba.

“I don't think I'd be welcome back home anymore.” He hugged his knees up to his chest.

Then let's focus on the here and now, we're going to make this place your home.

He gave a slight smile and a sigh. I gave a twitch of a smile back, and I felt our faces drawing closer together. I felt my heart quicken into a panicky beat. Odd, I haven't felt this way in a long time. Not since, well, not since I met Lucky.

“Lyra?”

I looked back at him. I counted to three, took a breath, and kissed him.


He blushed, and looked at me, his mouth moving, but not forming words. I grinned like an idiot. I felt the blood rush to my face, and my heart settled into a queer tempo, keeping time against my stomach filled with butterflies.

I gestured for us to make our way back to Ponyville proper. There was enough time for us to get back for our performance. I had a feeling I was going to have to stop myself from skipping all the way!

Jerry seemed to have recovered most of his scattered wits. He seemed to have something to say.

“Here's the skinny bastard!” a deep voice rang out.

Coils of rope snagged Jerry, and held him snug against the tree. I saw the gray cloud of magic fasten into a knot. His shoulders and torso were held immobile against the trunk. He struggled for freedom, and kicked his boots against the sod fruitlessly.

I ran over to try to free him, but a hoof swept out my legs, and I hit the ground hard. I looked up in horror to see Lucky wearing a vile grin. “Surprise, surprise.” He raised his hoof and I flinched. Instead of striking me, he skewered a bulb of anise onto my horn. I tried to crawl away, but he sent a jab towards my ribs, and I curled up and whimpered. “Where do you think you're going darling?”

Pokey Pierce stepped out of the shadows, his horn illuminating the scene. He examined the human with distaste. I tried to remove the bulb of anise from my horn, hoping maybe my magic could get us out of the situation, but I felt Lucky's hoof strike my cheek and I stopped.

“I didn't think you were going to rough her up that much,” Pokey said with disgust.

Lucky grunted. “That was before this damn human nearly got away from us.”

“Do you think he saw the dead pig we were setting up backstage?” Pokey asked.

Lucky chuckled. “Thought you could run away from us, you dumb ape? I guess you found out about our for you and Lyra.”

I looked fearfully at Jerry.

“What are you going to do, Lucky? Murder us? You're a fucking bastard!” Jerry screamed.

“Murder? Hardly. The only reason we came down here is to rescue my lovely Lyra from you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Lucky smirked. “You see, we saw you carry Lyra off into the woods, and we stopped you from hurting her. We'll be heroes, and my lovely unicorn bride will return to me. And you?” he scoffed at Jerry. “Well, we won't be seeing much of you around after tonight.”

“Lyra won't go with your stupid lie. She'll just tell everyone the truth,” Jerry retorted.

Pokey Pierce snickered. “I'm afraid Miss Heartstrings is going to have a very foggy memory of the evening, after I cast a certain memory spell I've been practicing.”

“Who the hell are you?” Jerry spat out.

“Does it matter? You should have taken the hint when we chased you off Sweet Apple Acres.” He sneered at Jerry, and then turned to Lucky. “Come, hold her still. It's important she doesn't move.”

I began to shed a tear, and looked to Jerry in sheer desperation. He didn't look back. He had his knee bent, and he was struggling like mad to reach into his boot. I caught a glint of a pink butterfly between his wiggling fingers.

Lucky bent down and whispered into my ear, “Now now, sweet Lyra. Just lie still, and this will all be over soon. We're just going to clear your pretty little head of this human's lies.”

I tried to think of any spell that could help. If only I had actually learned any spells in school. Stupid stupid stupid. I was hardly worth the horn on my head. Not that it mattered, with my horn covered. I tried to struggle out of Lucky's grip, but my efforts were rewarded with another swift kick to the stomach.

“Hell, Lucky, hold her down! I can't do this if she's moving!”

Another kick. He clutched my mane in his teeth, and yanked my head up. I saw Pokey's horn begin to glow, and I gulped. A look of concentration fell onto his face.

Fluttershy’s kitchen knife plunged deep into Pokey's neck. It was all I could do to gasp in horror as I watched Jerry stumble as he drove the blade further in, and blood spurted out of the wound. The blood soaked into Jerry's sweater, darkening the fabric. Pokey stumbled away from Jerry. He tried to gurgle something before lowering his horn, lurching forward, in a frantic attempt to gore Jerry.

Jerry side stepped the blow, but the horn caught his clothing and tore the fabric apart. He fell onto Pokey, and they wrestled, each movement twisting the blade further into Pokey's body.

I winced as I saw Pokey's hoof connect with Jerry's face.

“Holy shit,” Lucky murmured under his breath, he let my hair go, and I slumped back to the ground. He looked at Jerry struggling to extricate himself from the brawl, only to be tackled by Pokey again. The two were smeared with Pokey's blood.

Jerry grabbed the knife's handle, jerking it upwards. Pokey let out a feeble moan of agony before slumping over, his blood pooling on the ground. “Lyra!” Jerry managed to shout. He squirmed to reach us, but the brawl had taken them several yards away, and he was beneath Pokey's motionless body.

Lucky turned his attention to me. “Looks like we're going to have to erase your memories the old fashion way.”

Before I had time to react, Lucky swiveled around and bucked my forehead with all of his might.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

It, was... it was... It was worst pain I had ever imagined. When I opened my eyes, all I could see was that bloody, shredded bulb of anise rolling away, with a chunk of my horn still in it. I felt terribly woozy. I had to shut my eyes.

I strained my ears to hear what was happening, but I couldn't make my any sense of the series of grunts and hoofsteps and footsteps, and the ceaseless ringing in my ears.


I forced my eyes open once more, struggling to see what was happening.



Between my doubled vision I watched Lucky shoulder Pokey Pierce's limp body, and galloped as fast as he could under the dead weight. Why was he going back to Ponyville? He shouted something, but I couldn't quite make it out.

I felt Jerry scoop me up in his arms. Why wasn't he chasing after Lucky? He could stop him. I tried to protest, but I could barely keep my eyes looking the same direction, let alone grab my notepad. I always wanted him to hold me in those arms of his, but I never imagined it would be like this.

“Lyra! Are you okay?”

I struggled to lift my head, and blew a raspberry before I lost my strength and went limp into his arms again.

“Shit shit shit, don't die on me, Lyra. I need you to stay with me, please. Please.” 

Die? I wasn't that bad, was I?

He started running, each of his footfalls sending a jolt of pain through my skull as I bounced in his arms. I watched pitifully as my letter, now crumpled, dropped from my costume, and onto the dark path. My ragged breathing intermingled with his as he let out an endless stream of curses. I felt my fur begin to stick to his ruined sweater as the blood dried in the cold autumn night.



I tried to stay awake, tried to process what Jerry had just done, but I felt my self slipping as the pain enveloped my mind.

Above the ringing in my ears, I heard a calling of my name, I tried to open my eyes but it made my head spin even more. I was lost within the writhing pain.

“Did Jerry do this to you?” It was all I could do to shake my head, and even that was an explosion of pain. I laid my head back down. Every bump I felt was like a stilleto driven through the base of my horn. My mind ebbed into and out of consciousness.





“Lyra... Lyra!” Bon Bon's sweet voice called me out of the darkness. I blinked my eyes opened and instantly regretted it. The bright lights were like fishhooks in my eyes. I churned, and felt scratchy cloth. Was I in a bed? I looked to the left, ignoring the shooting pain in my neck and forehead, and saw Bon Bon, still wearing her peppermint earrings.

She was crying as she held my hoof. “Thank Celestia you're awake. They said when a unicorn horn...” Her voice faltered. “You might not, might not...wake up.”


I looked at her, uncomprehending. She struggled to gather herself and continue. “Lucky told us that Walker, h–he dragged you into the woods, and he...” She broke down into sobs and threw herself onto me. I winced in pain, remembering the injuries to my body. “Damn it Lyra! Don’t you know how I feel about you? You mean the world to me. I was so scared. Please, just, just rest. The doctors say if try to use magic, you could make it worse.”

How she feels? She kissed me on the cheek. My head was reeling and I felt panic bubbling in my chest, but I couldn't remember why. I caught a glimpse of the nightstand. There, was my notepad and pen, battered and muddy, a smudge of blood, staining the corner of the pages. Beneath that, rested the wrapped fishing rod case. It shot through my head like a bolt of lightning.

Jerry.

Where was Jerry?

The events of the night came flashing back to me. I had to clear his name! They would kill him!

“Lyra, just rest,” Bon Bon pleaded. I reached out with my telekinetic grasp, and it felt like my head was going to crack open like an egg, and the insides were going to fall out. I felt the trickling on my forehead. I watched in horror as shining ichor intermingling with blood ran down my face.

“Nurse! Nurse!”

The edges of my vision slowly faded, as the pain gave way to emptiness.
> The Fugitive (Apple Bloom)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	“This is so lame,” Scootaloo moaned. She thumped her head against the side of the apple stand. “Couldn't Big Mac have kept the field with the clubhouse on it?”

“Scoots, Ah know you miss the clubhouse, but would you mind talking about something else?” That was the least of my family's worries then. I sighed heartily, and slumped against the only wagon my family had left. 

Another minute passed by, and with it another pony. Sweetie Belle perked up. “Hi Mr. Bartleby! Do you want some apple treats?”

The scrawny brown pony looked with morose eyes at the selection. “I'd prefer not to.” Without another word, he walked away, his head so low, he almost bumped his nose against the cobblestone.

“How much longer until AJ comes? As fun as serving all these ponies is...” Scootaloo gestured to the empty courtyard. “I don't think we're making any progress in our salespony cutie marks.” 

“We got another half hour before she comes back and we go back to the rest of the festival,” I said. 

In the distance, the music struck a final chord, and was met by a murmur of applause. Sweetie Belle harrumphed. “Darn it! They're already half way done with music contest!” She rolled over in exasperation, and lay on a barrel of apples. 

“Come on, just a little while longer! We might still catch the ending.”

Sweetie Belle got up and squinted. “What the hay is that?”

I perked up. “That's Mr. Walker!”

He was staggering, cradling something in his arms. “Cheerilee! Bon Bon! Derpy... Big Mac! Anybody... please help!” he cried hoarsely.

The urgency in his voice made me uneasy, but I ignored the knot in my stomach, and called to him. “Over here, Mr. Walker!” He glanced up at the sound of my voice, and hustled in our direction.

“Why'd you tell him to come over here?” Sweetie Belle asked, a tint of discomfort in her voice. 

Scootaloo looked warily at me. “Um, girls...Look at what he's carrying.”

I gasped. In his arms was the mute unicorn, Lyra. She was sporting cuts and bruises across her body, and her horn... most of it was gone. Blood caked onto her forehead and mane, and a fresh stream trickled down her face. 

“Apple Bloom, thank God it's you,” he said between gasps of breath. He looked like he was about to collapse.

“What in the name of Equestria happened?” I asked.

He didn't answer. He gestured to the wagon. “We need to put her down.”

“What?” Scootaloo quivered. 

“Not like that! Just, get all of the shit out of the way!” he barked. He had the same look on his face that I've only seen when AJ was trying to put out an orchard fire. I started pulling the barrels and boxes off of the wagon immediately. Sweetie Belle joined in, and soon a hesitant Scootaloo. 

He was an absolute mess. His sweater barely clung to his body, it was so ripped apart. 

A loud shriek pierced the night, and the distant music abruptly cut off. The anxious murmur of the crowd spread through the crisp night air. 

Walker's head snapped in the direction of the sound. “Shit!” 

My two friends looked fearfully at Walker, then towards me. We stopped moving the apples off the cart. I cautiously spoke up. “Mr. Walker, what's happening? Why are ponies screaming, and why is Lyra hurt?” 

He laid her down onto the cart then he squatted and turned to me. His face and neck were covered in scrapes, and he had a couple of bruises forming on his cheek. Bits of dirt clung to wherever there was wet blood. I could feel his ragged breathing as he struggled to catch his breath. “Apple Bloom, look at me. I know this isn't good, but you have to trust me. It's very important that you get Lyra to a doctor right now, and it's very, very important that you keep her away from Lucky.” 
“Why aren't you taking her to help?” I tried to keep my voice steady.

“Lucky hurt Lyra, and he's telling ponies that I did it.”

“How do we know you aren't lying?” Scootaloo piped up. She was quivering, but kept a brave face.

“Why would Lucky want to even do that?” Sweetie Belle said, but her voice came out only as a squeak.

“I don't think you understand. They're going to come down here, and do everything they can to kill me. Believe it or not, I don't think that'd help Lyra,” Jerry said. He looked down at the remains of his sweater with panic. It was torn, the bloody rag barely hung to his body. He quickly threw it off. The blood had soaked through to his undershirt, and even that was sporting a decent hole, as well as cuts. “Shit...” he muttered, holding out the most splotched part of his shirt. He spit on his hands, and rubbed them together in an unsuccessful attempt to remove the smudges of blood. “Look, you just have to trust me. Lucky said he was setting up some kind of trap for me behind the stage. If I can find that, then maybe, just maybe, I can clear my name.” 

The roar of the crowd grew louder. Sweetie Belle bit her lip, and shared a worried glance with Scootaloo.

I looked at Walker. I didn't know what to think. Here he stood in front of me, covered in blood, with a dying pony. I didn't want to believe it, but it really looked like he... well... like he tried to eat her.

I broke into a cold sweat. Maybe everything Featherweight was telling me was true. But, that didn't seem like something Mr. Jeremiah would do, even if a lot of ponies thought he might. He was always so nice, so polite. Even if he did hurt her, why would he get help, if he was going to eat her anyways? Where would he come up such an elaborate story? 

Then I began to wonder; did it matter if he was telling the truth? Here we had a unicorn that could be dying. Whether or not Mr. Jeremiah hurt her, Lyra still needed a doctor, and fast.

I gulped. “Okay, Mr. Jeremiah, we'll do everything we can to help Lyra.”

“Apple Bloom!” Sweetie belle protested. “We can't just—”

“Can't save a pony's life?” I asked. Sweetie Belle looked down at her hooves.

Mr. Jeremiah's eyes, just for a moment, lost their panic, and the faintest semblance of a smile curled his lips. “You're a good kid, Apple Bloom.” He ruffled my mane and I tried my best to ignore his grimy hand.

“Where is that Celestia-damned monster? I swear I'll string him up the moment I see him!” a rough voice called. I could hear hoofsteps echoing throughout the winding streets of Ponyville. 

He let out a curse, and rushed away as fast as his two legs could carry him. He turned a corner and went out of sight.

“What do we do now?” Sweetie Belle asked in a hesitant whisper.

“Ah guess we pull the cart to the hospital,” I said.

I heard labored breathing. I turned to see Lyra, wincing, her chest rising and falling. Sweetie Belle just kept on staring at the broken horn. “Is she okay?” Scootaloo asked.

“Of course she's not okay! Look at her!” Sweetie Belle said. “She's not going to last long enough for three little fillies to drag the cart all the way to the other end of town!”

The unconscious unicorn let out a breathy snort. 
“Wait, I think she can hear us,” I said.

“Ask if the human did it,” Scootaloo yipped hastily.

I went up to her, and gently nudged her shoulder. “Umm, Ms. Heartstrings, I know you're in pretty bad shape right now, but it's kind of important that we know what happened. So, did Jerry do this?”

She winced in pain. Sweetie Belle took a rag from the cart and dabbed it against Lyra's broken horn. 

Scootaloo panicked, her wings flapping so hard, she went airborne for a second. “Sweetie Belle! You could be hurting her even more!”

“Well, somepony has to do something to help!”

“Girls, please quiet down!” I pleaded. I turned back to Lyra, giving her another tap. “Did Jerry do this to you?” I asked again. This time, she feebly rolled her head in what could have been a head shake. 

I turned back to the girls. “She says Mr. Jerry didn't do this.”

Sweetie Belle frowned. “Are you sure? I don't think she's really awake right now.”

“It would be a lot easier to tell if she could actually talk,” Scootaloo said.

Thundering hoofsteps interrupted our conversation. Six ponies were making their way towards us. Most of them were still wearing their costumes, but they looked really riled up. One of the unicorns was carrying a brick in his telekinetic grasp, and an earth pony was brandishing a baseball bat. I unconsciously took a step backwards. 

A stallion wearing plastic deer antlers ran towards us. “Son of a bitch, this is where he left Lyra.” Ponies heard his exclamation, and gathered around the unconscious mare. Questions and threats zipped around the crowd. You could see the anger and confusion growing on their faces.

One mare turned to us. “Fillies, this is very important. The human is killing ponies, and he's on a rampage. You must have seen where he went, if you've found the body,” she said.

“But she's still alive!” I protested. 

She ignored me. “We need to stop him. Which way did he go?”

The three of us stayed tight-lipped. The stallion growled and stared down Sweetie Belle. “Did you see him?” he growled.

“Um... Kind of,” she squeaked, turning her head down.

“Then tell us where the human is!”

I scowled and realized that these ponies weren't looking for justice. They were looking for blood; blood of someone they refused to see for who he was. This went beyond fear. Their fear curdled into hatred, without trying to find any understanding. I wasn't going to let their hatred jeopardize anyone's life. 

“No.” I said, stepping between the stallion and Sweetie Belle. 

“You little, rotten brat! You don't understand! Lives are at stake if—”

“If you don't help us take this mare to get medical treatment? She'll die if all of you don't help us get her to a doctor!”

“But the human's on the loose!”

“If you cared about saving lives instead of killing humans, you would help.”

The six ponies muttered between themselves. Grudgingly, two of them buckled into the harnesses at front, two hopped into the wagon and began tending to Lyra. The other two took positions at the side of the wagon, and they all trotted off. 

“Shit, the human must've done a number on her,” one said as they galloped off.

I turned to my friends.

“Sweetie, Scoots, go make sure they take her to the hospital, I need to find Jerry.”

Neither of them replied. They were staring at me, jaws dropped. Scootaloo managed to find her voice. “Your flank... You have a cutie mark.”

I cast a sidewards glance at my flank, and saw they were right. Whatever joy I felt was instantly overshadowed by the severity of the situation. “That's not important right now!” I said.

“But you got your—”

“Go!” 

They nodded, and we parted ways. I scrambled down the street, praying AJ didn't find out we left the stand unattended. If he was going the long way around back to the stage, I could find a way to distract everypony, and give him some more time.

Not that it mattered, I realized. There was little chance that whatever evidence was hiding back stage would be able to halt a mob in its tracks. I just hoped that he would be able to evade the ponies until he found whatever he was looking for. 

I ran by a group of ponies who were pulling wooden boards from a nearby cart. One by one, they picked up planks riddled with jagged nails. Fruit rolled onto the street.

“Stop! Please! That cart is all I have left!” a mule cried as he tried to work his way through the crowd.

He was shoved aside by a gruff looking unicorn. “You saw what that human did. We're going to need everypony to pitch in, whether it's pony power, or an ass's cart.”

I gulped, and continued towards the center of town, each hoof striking cobblestone. Something told me the apple stand wasn't going to survive the night. All around me, I saw ponies picking up and carrying shovels, pitchforks, planks of wood. I even saw a few ponies holding spears and swords. I saw a member of Luna's night guard, confused, trying to navigate the crowd. “Princess! Princess Luna!” he called fruitlessly. His voice was lost in the roar of the crowd. Ponies were stepping in my way now, in a frightened, swirling mass. 

“Apple Bloom! Apple Bloom!” I struggled to pinpoint my sister's voice in the crowd.

I felt a hoof grab my shoulder. AJ looked down at me her eyes brimming with fright. “Apple Bloom, go get the cart, and bring your friends straight to Sweet Apple Acres. Don't stop for anything, do you understand?” There was a frantic urgency in her voice that I've only heard a few times before. 

“But Mr. Jerem—”

“I've seen ponies get like this. It isn't safe. Just go.”

I huffed and squirmed my way through the bustling crowd.

“There he is! Get him!” I whipped my head around, and above the mob of ponies I saw Mr. Jeremiah sprinting back towards the main stage. Almost all of the ponies took a step backwards, clearing a path for the running human, but a unicorn brandishing a croquet mallet stood his ground. 

He ran on top of a wagon, vaulted over the unicorn, and continued running forward. A yellow earth pony mare clutching a hatchet between her teeth stepped into his path and swung it at him as he closed in. He jumped to the side, barely missing the arc of her swing, but he fell to the ground in the process. She reared up, and prepared to stomp him with her forehooves. Jerry quickly pivoted, and kicked her stomach with both feet. She fell backwards but caught herself in time to land on all four hooves and turn around to face Mr. Jeremiah. 

He was already back up on his hind legs, and he pried the weapon out of her mouth. Just as quickly he flipped it around, and struck her jaw with the blunt side of the axe head, causing a sickening crack to echo throughout the street. The mare crumpled, clutching her face, and crawled away. Another two ponies came charging at him. He raised the hatchet, and they scrambled to a stop trying to find any cover before he loosed the projectile. He dropped the hatchet and continued running. 

I ran after him and so did the rest of the ponies. They moved around the injured mare like a stream around a rock, each crying their own personal vengeances against the human. 

I turned a corner and saw the stage. It was a clear shot for Walker. 

“Murderer!” Lucky's voice roared over the buzz of the crowd. He was leading a small lynch mob of his own. “Stay away from that beast! He killed Pokey, and tried to kill me, and Lyra. If anypony should be killing him, its me.”

“That's a fucking dirty lie and you know it! You ambushed me and Lyra!” he wailed back.

Lucky snarled. “Tell that to the bloody claw prints all over Pokey's body! Explain it to the ponies who found Lyra!”

I gasped. Did he actually kill a pony? I shook the thought from my mind. “Mr. Jeremiah saved Lyra though!” I shouted as loud as I could, but nopony paid me any heed. 

“You fucking bastard, I thought you were my friend, but you just keep on screwing me in every god damn way you can think of!” 
“I was your friend before you screwed my marefriend and tried to kill her, you sick fuck!”

The human and the pony charged at each other each bellowing his own scream. They connected and collapsed into a rolling melee. The ponies bearing pieces of wood and garden implements stopped and hesitated, wondering if prudent to join the fray. Hesitantly, one stallion stepped towards the human. Walker noticed the approaching stallion and tried to get to his feet and run but was pulled back down by Lucky.

“Dinky! What the hay are you doing?” Derpy called, her voice shrill against the din of the turbulent crowd. I whipped my head around to see a Dinky charging with a cannister in her magical grasp. A bit popped out, and a jet of liquid sprayed in an arc, hitting Walker, Lucky, and a good deal of ponies behind them. The two immediately disengaged and clutched their eyes in agony, as well as a number of the angry townsponies. They dropped their makeshift weapons to cover their eyes. 

“Sorry!” Dinky called. She was treated to a chorus of swearing. 

Derpy dropped down next to her daughter, and began dragging her away. “Where did you even get that?” 

“The pepper spray? You left it in the spice cabinet, remember? I thought we might need it, so I've been carrying it around.”

Walker had the presence of mind to get up, and half stumble, half run away towards the stage, still clutching his eyes. Lucky screeched, “Somepony catch that mare-fucking bastard!” Ponies started giving chase but were slowed by the benches. He turned the corner, and for a moment he almost reached the stage.

He went down hard. Luna stood over him, wings flared. The crowd fell silent. A panicked look spread across her face as she looked at everypony's weapons. She gulped hard and looked down at the human. 

“What are you waiting for? Kill that son of a bitch!” Lucky shouted. “If anypony should kill him, it should be the princess.” Luna wore a look of pure terror.

The roar of the crowd was alight once more almost to deafening levels. Luna tried to shout something to make them all stop, but nopony listened. Rather, they didn't care. The crowd slowly closed in; a chorus calling for human blood. 

Luna bowed her head, and cringed as she aimed her glowing horn at Jeremiah. 

> The Criminal (Luna)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I looked at the odd creature staring up at me, between my hooves.

I sincerely wished I could be somewhere, anywhere else. I was deeply considering suggesting to the crowd that we forget all of this nonsense and carry on with the rest of the Nightmare Night festival. But of course, somepony had to go and get themselves murdered, and somepony had to dump the body in the middle of town square. Of course this would happen on the one night out of the year I visit.

More than anything, I wished my sister was present. I did not command the same presence that she did. How one thousand years of absence corrodes one's authority. All my pleas to the crowd were in vain.

They would listen to Celestia. She could quell them. She could make sense of all of the scattered shouting, piece together some sort of coherent picture of the situation.

But instead, it was I, the banished princess, left to execute the will of the mob.

“What are you waiting for? Kill him!” the pony named Lucky screamed. The crowd behind him fell into a cacophonous roar, crying for blood to be spilt. I unconsciously took a step backwards. For the first time since I returned to the throne, I was truly and wholeheartedly afraid. Not of the trembling creature beneath me, but of bloodthirsty group of townsponies in front of me. More specifically, what they would do if they didn’t see blood. I was not their beloved princess of the sun; I was merely a royal returned from exile. They had no great love of me. Only a year before, they fled from the very sight of me. I was only some vague figure of authority now, elected by unspoken mob rule to be the executioner of some equally vague threat. If I failed to deliver, would they turn those pitchforks at me, and my guards, wherever they might be in this chaos.

I pointed my horn down, and began charging a magical blast. For a brief moment I locked eyes with the creature between my hooves, too shocked to move away from the glowing horn pointed at his face. He looked up at me, his eyes filled with bloody, animalistic fear.

He recognized me.

I have seen him before. I had walked in his dreams. I stifled the charge in my horn, and pulled the human to his feet, much to the crowd's fury. “What is thy name?”

He jerkily stood up, looking me dead in the eye. “Jeremiah Walker.”

“Kill him! Kill him…” the mare shrieked before breaking down into hysterical sobbing. “He killed my Pokey!” She gathered her two foals close to her. They were unresponsive, numbly looking at their father’s bloodied corpse. Somepony had the decency to throw a cloth over the fallen pony.

I swallowed nervously, and prepared my royal Canterlot voice, in hope of quelling the crowd. “SILENCE! WE ARE NOT LAWLESS. HE SHALL STAND TRIAL!” I boomed, my voice amplified by magic.

The protest roared through the cacophony like a clap of thunder.

“He's covered in blood! That's enough trial for me!”

“The only thing that abomination should stand on is a gallows platform!”

“She's too scared to kill it!”

“Kill it, before it kills you!”

The one named Lucky snarled. “Celestia would kill this greasy morlock in a heartbeat. If this so called princess refuses to protect us, we'll take care of the human ourselves!”

Lucky's protest was greeted by a spartan cheer. The ponies started drawing closer, weapons raised.

“HALT, halt!” I cried, but to no avail. Step by step, they approached the two of us. The panting human raised his arms, ready to fight his way out of the throng of ponies. His wan expression did not inspire confidence.

I could blast all of these ponies away, I realized. They would be grievously injured, but if it meant stopping this madness, and regaining control of the situation...

I could easily send them flying, or throw magic missiles in every direction, or call down a dancing sword of flame, or even bolts of lightning. But I knew that would never work. They would never forgive me for hurting more ponies. I don't think I could even make them all stop without outright killing them.

The moon beamed so calmly, so clearly in the night sky. Amidst the roiling crowd, the moon seemed to mock me. Visiting so soon? The four stars around it twinkled callously. Panic tugged my heart at the mere thought of the empty desert that had been my prison for a thousand years.

Panic tried to cloud my thoughts, but I banished the tightness in my chest. I scanned the clear night sky for something, anything. My eye caught the top platform of town hall, off in the distance.

I did the only sensible thing. “Grab on!” I shouted, flaring my wings.

He looked for a moment at the crowd, then me. He wrapped his limbs around my neck, managing to swing his body onto my back.

I prayed to the Cosmic Matriarch that this worked. I cast the only spell I could think of, Cloud Conceal. Within a fraction of a second, the entire street was enveloped in a thick, roiling blue cloud.

“Jesus Christ,” the human murmured.

I leaped into the air, and took flight. I strained with the effort of a sudden take off and the extra weight. Bear in mind I was never the strongest flier. Walker almost tumbled off of me, but he clung onto my mane. I wasn't able to correct my shaky flight. We barely made it to the third floor balcony, and ended up crash landing through one of the windows.

I landed on most of my hooves, and given the circumstances, I considered it a small victory. Walker slumped off of me, and curled into a small ball on the floor, rocking gently back and forth.

Shards of glass crunched beneath my horseshoes as I stumbled over to the blatantly shattered window. The cloud had not fully dissipated, and few ponies had realized that we weren't even there. I hastily magicked the curtains in place. To my horror, they were flapping in the breeze. This problem was solved by levitating a cabinet against the window, pinning the curtains against the wall. Hopefully nopony would notice anything out of place.

I magically swept all of the glass into the pile, and then collapsed. I needed a moment to recover from all of the chaos.

I felt tears blur my vision. Silly Luna thought that after everything that happened last year, that ponies actually liked and respected her. I supposed ponies do not forgive one's past so easily. To them, I was just Celestia's weak, pathetic little sister who had recently returned from a very long time out session. What good is a crown if it bears all the respect and authority as a cheap, plastic plaything?

There was no doubt in my mind they would have killed me just as easily as him.

Um, excuse me. Suffice it to say, it took me a moment to gather myself.


The poor thing. In addition to all of his scrapes and bruises, he had a set of fresh cuts from the window. Even a few splinters were in his arm and wrist. He was shakily pulling them out. I looked back towards the window. Perhaps it was not my most well thought through plan.

He was murmuring to himself, between rapid short breaths. “...They're going to kill me... They're going to kill me.”

I reluctantly pulled myself onto my hooves, and walked towards the panicking human. “No pony is going to hurt you. I won't allow it,” I said, trying to sound confident. My words sounded hollow, weak, empty. “I won't allow it,” I said again more definitively. It almost seemed like I was convincing him instead of myself.

“Tell that to Lucky and his goons,” he muttered.

“Do you know who I am?” I asked.

He didn't stop rocking back and forth. For a moment I thought he had not heard me. “You're that Celestia pony, aren't you?” he asked.

Sometimes words hurt more than any shard of glass. I let out a sigh. “I am her sister, Luna. Princess of the night. Although it seems such a title does not elicit much obedience.”

He was silent. After a moment, he spoke, as he gingerly felt his wounds. “Thank you, for getting me out of there.”

I looked down. “I fully expect an explanation of what happened. Just because I saved you from mob justice does not mean you are exempt from justice in court.”

He looked at me morosely. “You want to sit down and have a little make believe trial while there's a throng of ponies out for my blood?”

I glared at him, but gave up with a sigh. “We are safe for now.” I cast a sideways glance at the covered window. I hoped. “Come, you have much to tell me.”

Reluctantly, he pulled himself into a chair. He immediately flinched, and sucked air through his teeth.

“Are you hurt?” I asked.

“Did all the blood give it away?”

“Is there anything you need?”

“You're a unicorn, and can do all that magic?” he said.

“An alicorn, but yes.”

“Can you do any healing magic?” he asked.

I bit my lip. Of all the forms of magic I had learned, I never bothered to practice the ways of healing. I never thought it necessary; even the best magic healer was outdone by earthpony technology. Cursing my short-sightedness, I walked over to one of the desks. A precursory search of the drawers yielded a half empty decanter of whiskey, a box of tissues, and some scotch tape. I magicked the objects over to walker.

“I'll take that as a 'no',” he said wryly. He examined the decanter. “For drinking or for disinfectant?”

Judging by the night he had, for both. “For your wounds,” I said.

This did not stop him from taking a swig, before dampening a wad of tissues, and swiping it across his neck, face and forearms. I watched as the blood trickled back onto freshly cleaned skin. “Well, what do you want to know about these god damned ponies?” His voice started in an irritable grumble but crescendoed into a raging shout. I feared they would hear us.

I thought back to the frantic shouting on the town square. It was such a endless mass of confusion. Nevertheless, I managed to get a loose understanding of the situation. The only consensus was that the human attacked Lucky, Lyra Heartstrings, and Pokey Pierce in the woods. This did nothing to explain the mob, the violence, and the mass hysteria.

All I had seen was the pony named Lucky dump a dead body in the middle of town square, and all hell breaking loose.

“Did you kill Pokey Pierce?”

“Yes.”

I grimaced. “And you lied about it.”

“Forgive me for withholding information, but I don't think they would have listened to my plea of self defense.”

“Then what happened? Explain to me why there are two dead ponies.”

He stopped and looked up. “Lyra's dead?” he asked with an uncomfortable intensity.

I glanced towards the window. “I only know what the masses shouts”

He wrung his hands together, causing a drop of blood to well onto his skin. “She can't be. Apple Bloom wouldn't have let anything happen to her. She was going to get her help. Unless...”

“What are you speaking of?”

“Lyra. She's my friend. I got mad and ran into the woods. But she... she followed me. Lucky and Pokey attacked us in the clearing.” He continued. “I tried to help run away, but Pokey was stopping us. You have to understand. I was fighting for our lives. They did this to Lyra, and they were going to do more.” He pulled out a green chunk of a unicorn horn from his pocket.

I felt bile rise to my throat, but I stared at him. This was a creature whose sleep was robbed by memories of stabbing his brother. Why should I take his word on anything. “How am I to be sure that you are not lying?”

“If Lyra—” he abruptly stopped, the words choking him. After a moment, he found his words again. “Lyra will tell you.”

“Tell me then. Why did they try to attack you and the mare?”

He let out a sigh. “Because Lucky hates my guts, that's why.” I glared at him until he spoke again. “Lucky wanted Pokey to cast a memory spell on her, and frame me for attacking her.”

“Do you have proof of such an implausible story?”

“Lucky said something about a dead pig, and I was trying to find that as proof when the Lucky and company came after me. Look, you just have to trust me!”

“You have killed before. Why are you to be trusted?” I retorted.

“I didn't kill any cows. The only other life I took was a chicken, a god damned chicken!” he said, slamming his fist on the table

“I am talking of your brother Abe.”

Color drained from his face. “How... how did you know?”

“I have visited your dreams, Jeremiah. I advise you against trying to deceive me.”

He slumped back into the chair. He swiped the wad of tissues over his face, clearing away another smudge of blood. Beneath it a bruise was forming on his forehead. He crumpled the paper and cast it aside, burying his face in his hands. After a moment, he composed himself enough to raise his head again. He looked down at his lap as he fiddled with the beads of his necklace. “Well, what do you want to hear?”

I wanted to hear the throng of angry ponies collectively give up and leave me alone. I wanted to hear the mayor barge in and administer justice herself. I wanted more than anything to hear my sister quelling the crowd, and arbitrating over this hell hole. I swallowed. “Start from the beginning?”

“Of how I got here? Or how I got into Equestria?”

He told me everything in his sad tale.

He told me of his brother Abe, and how he appropiated Jeremiah’s ambitions of being the leader of his congregation. He shook as he explained how it was the catalyst for their argument in the church. “It wasn't only that. It was years of Abe getting whatever he wanted, and the rest of us getting what was left,” he said bitterly.

I felt a pang of empathy. I thought back to before my banishment. Yes, I was bitter and resentful, and that was what caused my own transformation into Nightmare Moon. But even when I was striving for everlasting night, I never planned on hurting her, did I? I thought back to the long years in my prison, plotting all of the vile ways I was going to make her suffer.

That jealousy and bitterness had turned me into a monster.

I looked at the human. Aside from the blood and the ripped clothing, he didn't seem like he went through any fearsome transformation.

Though he didn't look the part, he was still being treated as a monster. That wasn't just his blood. He murdered his brother, and a pony. He was beyond redemption.

But I was redeemed, was I not?

He noticed my queer expression, raising an eyebrow. I sighed. “I too, was banished for challenging my sister.”

“I wasn't banished,” he said.

He ran out of his church with blood on his hands. He ran and ran. Away from his brother, away from his town. Into the woods where he kept on getting lost. Not that he wanted to be found. He was scared. He was alone. For three days he wandered in those woods, fighting to stay alive, against manticore and cockatrice, and a host of other beasts.

“It was hard out there in the Everfree without my pocket knife,” he muttered.

By the time he stumbled onto Fluttershy's cottage, he was starving. He saw no one was home. I can't agree with his decision to break into her house, but I have never been that long without food or water, and I hope I never will be.

Of course Fluttershy, the caretaker, panicked when she saw her chicken being prepared for a spit roast. That altercation ended with a broken arm and a bad reputation for Walker. I struggled to imagine such a meek pony acting so violent. But that was an honest mistake. She was just trying to defend her animals. But why didn't she offer to help him later?

I am sure you have heard the rest of his struggles. His being chased off the Apple family farm, Twilight's insistence on his being employed on the threat of his banishment. Lucky's abuses. Then of course, the little incidents that wore away at him, bit by bit.

Being threatened with a gun. Watching mothers drag their foals away from him. Store signs switched to “closed” the moment he passes by. Having police officers called on him when he tried to get his mane cut at a barbershop. The rumors ponies spread about his taste for pegasi wings. Simply hearing about every injury and abuse he withstood from these ponies made me feel sick.


Finally, he spoke of Lucky's ambush.

I listened to every word, turning them over in my mind. Once he finished, the two of us sat in silence.

“Well?”

I sighed. These words I spoke with a heavy heart. “I fear that it would be in everypony's interest, as well as your own, to find you way back home.”

He looked at me, fearing, hoping, doubting. “You can send me back? Back home?”

“I am afraid I can not. I know little of the magic that binds worlds together. But in my experiences, it often happens for a reason.”

He slumped back into his chair. “What kind of fucked up reason led me to this?” he muttered.

“Atonement. There are tales of wanderers from faraway lands finding their way towards Equestria for some divine purpose, and returning when that purpose is complete.” It comes to memory, that there have been a hooffull of other creatures like Walker meandering through our land in ages past before my banishment. Though I don't recall them ever calling themselves 'humans'. “I believe that whatever force brought you here did so with the hope that you might atone for what you did to your brother.”

He clenched the arm of the chair, digging his nails into it. “Atonement? Atonement? I've been starved, humiliated, chased, beaten, I've had to fight for my life. I think I atoned plenty for anything I could have possibly done on Earth, and then some. What am I supposed to do? Wait for some beam of light to decide that I've suffered enough, and whisk me back home? Not that I would even be allowed to return. I don't have any place in either world.”

I wrapped my wing around him. “No person should have to endure what these ponies put you through. I am going to make sure that they see the error of their ways. I will make sure that Lucky, and all the others are held accountable for their actions, and I will do everything in my power to make sure that something like this will never happen again. But you Walker, your goal is atonement, and there is more to atonement than suffering. You can not always right a wrong. But you must find a way to redeem yourself in the eyes of whatever force brought you to Equestria.”

“And how the hell am I supposed to do that?”

“I am unsure. All I know for certain is that if there is any hope of you returning home, you must heal some of this world’s ailments. I think you, more than anypony are in a position to know the extent of misery. Although I doubt you'll be able to pursue this quest in Ponyville.”

“Princess Luna!” One of my night guards, Night Veil burst into the room, interrupting my train of thought. He looked fearfully at some of my scrapes. “Are you injured?”

“No, Night Veil. I am fine.”

Walker looked like he was scared to the last inch of his life. In his haste to rise, he had knocked over his chair. He stood hunched, low. My guard was still quivering. “I thought I saw the window break here when I was flying over town, looking for you, but I wasn’t sure.”

“Night Veil, Listen closely. Find the grey mare named Derpy Hooves, and have her retrieve all of the human's thing. Bring them here immediately. Do not let anypony follow you. Do not let anypony know we are here.” He looked at me, eyes brimming with confusion, and questions. I narrowed my eyes. “That is an order, Night Veil.”

“Yes, your majesty,” he said. He gently closed the door, and I heard his hoofsteps fade away.

Jerry finally eased his guard, and slumped into the chair once again. “So you're not going to send me home. You're going to leave me in this hellhole.”


I looked down at the chaos from the balcony window. “Truthfully, I do not believe you can stay here either.”

Ponies were running around, screaming. Some were trying to get away from the crowd, others were trying to join it, to listen to the frantic recounting of the ponies that had witnessed most of the events, or to gawk at the trails of blood. I saw the one name Lucky below, screaming from the top of the stage. “I’ve lost control of him! He’s a murderer! He’ll take away your foals, and tear off their wings. He’ll climb into your homes in the dead of night, and eat your children! He’s a monster that’s too dangerous to let live. He’ll eat you, he’ll eat me, he won’t stop until he sitting on top of a pile of the bones of everypony in town!”

Roves of ponies were racing around the alleyways and thoroughfares, kicking in doors and windows in a vain search for the both of us.

“Is it bad?” he asked.

I bit my lip. “The ponies are still restless. We should stay in this office for the moment.”

“No, not the mob. Not this situation, anyway. What am I supposed to do? I can't go home, I can't stay here. I can't go back in the forest. My best friend here is dead, and any pony that doesn't hate me thinks I killed her!” He stood up and flung his arms into air. “I must have gotten the shittiest guardian angel in existence!”

I swallowed the knot in my throat. I knew in my heart of hearts that Walker did not deserve this mob justice, and he could prove himself with some assistance. But after the events of tonight, how could we ever have a semblance of a fair trial? He would most likely be dragged out of prison and killed before the trial could even begin.

I briefly considered bringing him to the Canterlot castle. But even if I managed to hide him away, countless ponies would have seen him. I wasn't in any position to be harboring a criminal and pariah after tonight's events. Who’s to say that one of the guards wouldn't try to make themselves a hero and slay the human the moment I look away?

I could not send him home, and I could not protect him so long as he remained in such a hateful town. “I know what must be done. If you are to ever find your way back home, to atone for your sins, instead of accruing them, you must not, cannot, live in any of our towns.” He looked up to me. I reflected bitterly on what Jeremiah told me of how Twilight planned to take care of him. The irony was not lost that I was delivering the same sentence as Twilight Sparkle. “I must banish you from Ponyville, if not all settlements in Equestria.”

He harrumphed. “Well I didn't like your shitty pony society anyways.”

“You mistake me. This is for your own safety. You can not find redemption if you spend every moment fighting for the right to live here, or even fighting for your life.”

He remained silent.

“I wish there was another way. I wish you were not treated so poorly that it came to this,” I said with a sigh.

“Where would I even go?”

“Have you made any friends outside of Ponyville? A friendship strong enough that they would be willing to lend a hoof? Perhaps a friend who won't hear about this for a while?” As the words left my mouth, I scolded myself. All this talk of friendship... My sister was beginning to rub off on me.

“My closest friend was Lyra...”


I was saved from making a fumbling condolence by the sound of approaching hoofsteps.

Night veil marched through the door, bearing a duffel bag, and a plastic first aid kit. “The human's possessions, m'lady,” He bowed deeply.

“Thank you greatly. I need you to—”

It was at that moment you and the mayor walked in. I suppose that is the moment I first met you, Loose Leaf. I suppose the two of you were trying to get away from the riot, and galloped into the first building you found.

“My office!” Mayor Mare wailed. She galloped to the desk, and spotted the empty bottle. “My liquor!” She cradled the crystal taunton decanter like it was an injured foal.

You merely rolled your eyes at this.

I don't imagine I need to tell of that cluster of confusion. Night Veil and I might have not been particularly... understanding towards your accidental intrusion, but I'm glad you stumbled onto us. I wouldn't have had the means to create this report otherwise. I needed a member of the government that I could trust.


You were ideal to assemble this report. Not only are you young, bright, and weigh your decisions carefully, but you also do not call Ponyville your home. You had no loyalties here to be defended; the only thing guiding your actions were my orders, and eventually your own sense of justice.

Perhaps, at first you were motivated only by my authority. Your initial interviews with Berry Punch, Big Mac and Caramel were so methodical, so organized, I could just imagine you going door to door, asking all of the questions passionlessly, with all of the disinterest and efficiency of any bureaucrat. What is your name? What was the human's relation to you? Describe your first experience with the human.

But slowly, as you mailed the reports, I saw you become more invested, more engaged. You started recording more and more of what ponies had to say. You started asking them questions to follow up on their answers. Part way through the process, you stopped using those ridiculous one page forms. You started to go back and interview several of the ponies again. You stopped going down the alphabetical list of names I gave you, and started following leads. I was quite delighted with your commitment when you sent a letter, asking for my own experiences with the human. I must say, you've become quite the investigative journalist. I'm pleased to see your work has come to surpass my expectations.

Your work is commendable, Loose Leaf. I hate to imagine if I had had to rely on that bumbling fool of a mayor. Yes, I suppose we'll have to include her letter to me. Still I would have much preferred to have you write up an interview with her instead. Nothing to be done about it now.


Where was I? Yes, you and Mayor Mare had walked in, and were causing us a fright. Night Veil was trying to usher you two out. I stopped him, and looked the two of you dead in the eyes.

“You shall vow on your lives you saw nothing here but an empty room,” I said, my voice low and intent. The two of you crossed your hearts and recited some foalish playground oath.

Walker grabbed the doctor's bag, and dressed his wounds. “Hey! Those are for the princess!” Night Veil protested.

Walker extended a lone digit in Night Veil's direction.

“Leave him be. The doctor's bag is for his wounds, not mine.”

He grumbled something under his breath, before adjusting his helmet and directly facing me, saluting. “Miss Hooves requested to know where the human is going, and if he'll be back soon.”

I looked at the mayor, and you. “Tell her no, he will not be back. I am sending him back to where he came.”

You are the only one I have trusted enough to confide this information in, aside from my sister Celestia. I feared that if ponies found out too early, they would only riot again, calling for my blood, instead of his.

He nodded his head. “Come civilians, leave the princess to her duty.”

“But Loose Leaf and I aren't civilians! We're part of the government!” the mayor cried.

While Night Veil was fumbling on a witty retort to this justification, you were sensible enough grab the mayor and to escort the two of you out of the building. Grudgingly, Night Veil followed you.

I turned to Walker. “We best depart before we have any more unexpected guests.” As if on cue, I heard shattering glass in the distance.

“Everypony, stop! Please, stop! You're destroying Ponyville!” I heard the voice Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's protégé, cry hoarsely from very far away.

“Sooner would be much appreciated. Is there anywhere you might be welcome?”

He sighed. “I might be pushing my luck here, but there is one pony that might help out...”



I quickly drafted a letter on the mayor's desk.

By order of Luna Phoebe Asteria, princess of the night, on the 1034th year and 305th day of the Harmonic Era, the kingdom of Equestria requests that thou harbor, and treat as an honored guest, this human by the name of Walker. Do not let his presence be known by anypony outside of thyself and thy family. Thy service to thy country will be duly rewarded.

I affixed my signature, rolled up the scroll, and hoofed it to Walker, who in turn slipped it into the small duffel bag Night Veil had brought, half filled with the few articles of clothing and trinkets he had in this world. He hopped up on my back, and I felt bandaged hands squeeze against my neck.

I slid the wardrobe away from the window, the cool autumn night breeze flooding in. “Are you ready, Jeremiah?”

“Yes.” His voice was grim.

I would like to say that we created some ingenious escape plan, like they do in those espionage novels that seemed to become so popular during my absence. In actuality, we waited for a moment when there were only a few ponies outside of the town hall, and I took off, flying above the cloud lines. Sometimes the simplest plans are the best.



After almost an two hours of exhausting flight, I touched down at the crossroads. There was not a pony to be seen in miles. He swung off my back, and felt the ground gently with his fingers. I looked at him curiously as I stretched my aching wings.

“Sorry, but I'm not used to being that high up. I thought my reunion with firm ground was going to be a lot more... sudden.”

I ignored the comment on my flying. “Are you sure you do not want me to take you directly there?”

“I only know that it's in Appleloosa. This is as direct as it gets.” He glimpsed my worried look. “Don't worry, I know the right name to ask for. If I can get my hands on a map, I'll be able to get there.”

“Are you sure you do not want me to take you to an inn?”

He frowned. “I think I've had enough of pony society for a while. I'll be fine out here.” I watched as he picked up a fallen branch and stripped it of twigs, making himself a walking stick. He gave a world weary sigh, and looked up at me. He dug into his pocket, and pulled out the piece of unicorn horn. “Make sure this gets back to Ponyville.”

I nodded my head solemnly. “And you make sure that you are safe.” I had an idea. “Walker, present your arm.” He obliged.

I continued. “The Wanderers, many of them too were atoners, men and women without a home. Each of them bore this mark. It is a sign of your divine mission. Bear this symbol and none shall slay you, lest they incur my wrath sevenfold.”

I magicked the rune onto his arm, willing it into existence. When I finished, he ran his hand over the mark on the inside of his forearm. It almost looked like two canes crossed.

I gave the wayward human a wan smile. “May fortune and my blessing travel with you. I fully have the expectation that you will have the good sense to not kill somepony’s pet next time you wander into a town. If you ever wish to seek my guidance, I am only a dream—”

I was cut off by his arms wrapping around my neck. “Thank you.” He stood there, silently weeping into my mane for a few minutes. Eventually he gathered enough courage to let go.

“Until we meet again, Jeremiah Walker,” I said.

He nodded quietly, picking up his walking stick, and shrugging the strap of the bag onto his shoulder as he walked away.


When I reached Ponyville, it was nearly time for dawn. I landed, and firmly planted my feet. With a final magical shove, I pushed the moon beyond the horizon. I looked around at the destruction. Though there were hardly any ponies out anymore, the town was in an awful state. Overturned carts and broken trees. Several stores were broken into, their contents strewn about the streets. I walked through the town, looking at the extent of the damaged caused by the pure xenophobic hatred for one creature. How was I to show this town the error of their ways, when they were so malicious in their fear of the human? Yes, he had killed, but he was sent here for a second chance. They didn't even know about his past.

To think, if only Walker had been brought to any other part of Equestria, or stumbled onto Fluttershy's cottage just a little bit later, none of this would have happened. Where was I even to begin sorting out this entire crisis, when even my own subjects only saw me as their executioner? The exhaustion from the night slowly filled my body. I felt very weary. I suppose that is when I conceived the idea for this report.

I found Twilight, Applejack and Fluttershy gawking at the wreckage. Twilight tried to ask me what happened, was I in good health, what became of the human?

I swatted away her hoof. “The human is back where he belongs,” I muttered. “No thanks to my sister's student.” Had Twilight not fumbled this entire situation, Walker would have long ago been integrated into Ponyville life. Now, there were two ponies dead, and the destructive wake of a riot and witch hunt.

“I tried to stop them, Princess, I did! But I didn’t know the human was going to kill those ponies. If only I had done something sooner! I tried to get him out of town, but nopony would—”

“Twilight Sparkle, hold your tongue. I am in no mood to hear your excuses,” I snapped.

I saw dear sister's sun rise into the sky, warming the air ever so slightly and flooding the town square with light. In the distance, I saw two figures flying towards us. “Is that Rainbow Dash and Celestia?” I heard Applejack asked nopony in particular. Within moments, the two mares touched down on the street next to the four of us.

“Hey guys! Me and Celestia are back from Zebrica! Check out all these medals I got!” Rainbow Dash unbuckled her sash, and showed off the honorific badges to some of the nearby ponies. “Say, how’s that human doing?”

Fluttershy kneaded the ground with her hoof.

Applejack wearily looked around the carnage. “Um… about that…”

My sister smiled with pride at Rainbow Dash. “You were truly an admirable diplomat. Without your understanding and guidance, I don’t know what would have happened with those trade agreements!” She turned to Twilight cheerily. “Where is the human? I would very much like to meet him while I'm in town. I haven't seen one in ages.”

Twilight was hyperventilating too much to give an adequate response.

“I'll give you some time to get organized,” Celestia said with a smile. She trotted up to me, and looked around at the trashed town square, bemused. “Seems to have been quite the celebration last night. Did I miss anything?”

Let it suffice to say that I beat my head against the nearest wall until my horn got stuck.

It was not my most dignified moment.


I think our report is finally complete. Now that Ms. Heartstrings has woken up and told her side of the story, we have more than enough evidence to bring Lucky and all of those to justice, and show all of Ponyville how vile they were.

I do not know what fate befalls Twilight. That is for my sister to decide. She was not within any violation of any laws, but Celestia was crushed that Twilight not only allowed the situation with the human to deteriorate so much, but to be a part of his oppression.

Celestia has been allowing Twilight's letters to pile up in her study, unread. She doesn't want to believe her own protégé would abuse her power like this, but she is preparing for the worst news. This whole affair has left her sullen and sleepless. I have not seen her smile often in these last few months. Seeing this report complete will do little to improve her mood.

Nor for that matter, Ponyville’s. But sometimes we need to look into a mirror and see ourselves in a less savory light. I'm proud of the work you have done, Loose Leaf. Though the ponies here might not appreciate you writing this report, they will be better off seeing how hateful they have allowed themselves to become. And for this report, Loose Leaf, I am deeply grateful for your effort. This is more than a counteractive trial. This is a testament to every sin and wrongdoing, every misery these ponies put Walker through. If there is any hope for this town, they need to see just how truly awful they are.

However, I would have preferred Lucky's arrest to have come on the day we publish this report. I wanted to make an example of him. But at the same time, I commend your sense of justice for having Lucky detained the moment Lyra woke up and told you her part of the story.

Still, on my way here I heard many talk of how you unfairly called for the arrest of Lucky, the town hero. But I’ve also heard rumors that Spike has moved in with Rarity, and that Twilight’s not living in the library anymore. Nopony was there when I stopped by earlier today. Some are saying that Celestia sent her to the moon after she tried to deport the human, inadvertently laying the groundwork for the riot. I think its more likely that she is staying at her parent’s house until my sister comes to pass a judgement. We shall let them believe whatever they want until report comes out.

This entire incident has been receiving some notice outside of Ponyville. The Equestrian Times and Hoofington Daily reporters have been trying to make sense of the riot, the murder, and Walker’s involvement in it all. From what I have read of their speculations, they are not painting Ponyville in a favorable light. I think they will find our research very informative. None of it is in the front page yet, but it is certainly helping Spike’s movement get attention. Soon all of Equestria’s eyes will turn on Ponyville.

And the human? Well, I don't think he'd ever willingly step foot in Ponyville again, even with my pardon. I've been walking in his dreams as of late. He's in good hooves, and that's all I have to say on the matter.


> Epilogue: The Vagabond
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The train station lay at the base of an empty valley. The tracks were never so close to the Cherry's plantation, Walker thought.

He had a shovel in one hand. Walker rode his thumb along the edge, rubbing the residue between his fingers. The edge was coated in dirt and coagulated blood. The whole spade was covered, he realized. Beyond him, he saw the bodies of Lyra, Pokey Pierce, and his brother Abe, lined up neatly on the ground. It was a queer sight, but Walker felt only a macabre curiosity. Gently, he went to Lyra, and nudged her side with his foot. Lyra looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping. He didn't want to disturb her.

He stepped over her, and towards Abe, whose eyes were open, staring into the cloudless sky. He laid on his back, wearing a cotton t-shirt, white as bleached bone. Walker prodded Abe's cheek with the shovel, leaving a smear of blood and soil on his face. 

“Abe?”

His brother turned his gaze towards him. Walker expected a look of betrayal, but he seemed more sad and disappointed than anything else. 

Walker let out a nervous chuckle. “What, don't tell me you're mute too,” he said.

Abe rolled on his side, turning his back to Walker. Dead men tell no tales, Walker thought to himself. His heart leapt into his throat when he saw Abe's back dripping crimson, his brother's blood seeping into soil. Walker suddenly felt ill, upon comprehending the blood on his shovel. He started towards the field. Maybe tilling fresh soil, given time, could cleanse the blood off. 

Before he could hop the fence to the field, he heard the whistle of a train. The same ridiculous, ginger bread train that Cheerilee took to get back to Appleloosa was now stopped in the station, a unicorn beckoning him towards the boxcar. Walker felt in his pocket and produced a yellow token. It had the outline of a train. He turned the coin between his fingers. The other side bore the same insignia on his forearm, the two crossed shepherd crooks.

Curious, he looked down on his left arm. In his waking life, Luna's mark was black and solid; but now the two shepherd's crooks were an angry red, itching and throbbing like a burn that was beginning to blister. Now that he was certain he was in a dream, he breathed a sigh of relief, but he did not allow himself to drift into blissful unconsciousness. He'd gone to sleep with a purpose, and wished to remain lucid for Luna's nightly visit.

He sat down on the ledge of the platform, and laid the shovel across his lap. While he waited for the princess of the night, his mind began to wander to the cherry farm. He could probably make a home of it, living there with Cheerilee's father and sister (Cherry Seed's, he reminded himself. It had been a month since she left back for Ponyville, and resumed her life as Cheerilee). 

Her father was finally warming up to him, he mused. When he first arrived at their farm bloody and roughed up, Spades probably would have turned him away right then and there had Cherry Seed not vouched for him. He showed her Luna's note, and she grudgingly accepted his wild tale. Explaining to Cherry Seed what had happened had afforded him a night in the guest room, a hot shower, and Spade's old Hoofington Raiders t-shirt.

The next morning, Cheerilee showed him a newspaper about the riot. Walker's conscience got the better of him, and he told his story to the entire household, showing them the royal letter. Spade once again mulled over his options, and quietly told Walker he would be sleeping in the barn from now on, far away from him and his daughters. 

Walker graciously accepted the accommodations, even though he was heavily aware of the irony of a pony telling him to sleep in a barn. From that moment on, he made a point of helping wherever he could, whenever he could. If there was one thing Walker loathed, it was becoming a freeloader. After a couple of weeks, he built a rapport with Spades. Its hard to hold misgivings against someone who spends an entire week helping you fix up the harvester and thresher machines, or helps polish all of the silver-ware, or chops fire wood to warm a house he won't be sleeping in.

Of course, when Spade's oldest daughter, Black Cherry and her kin visited for Hearth's warming Eve, he was instructed to stay in the barn and out of sight. Cherry Blossom, the youngest of the daughters, a cream colored mare with a dusty pink mane, was kind enough to bring him hot food from the family dinner up to the loft in the barn. He thanked her graciously. The holiday cuisine was odd, heavy on oats and mashed carrots, but he ate it anyways. It was either that, or another meal of peanut butter and cherry jelly sandwich. The rest of the time he spent wondering if he should celebrate his own version of the holiday. He briefly considered building a manger, but instead decided to whittle a stick into some semblance of a candy cane. Anything to keep himself occupied. When he finished, he made another, and so on. Cherry Seed came to visit during a spare moment, and he gave her one of his creations. “Just like your mark,” she said. He hadn't realized. 

He tried making other things, Christmas trees, people, ponies. He was whittling a bust of a unicorn when the accidental slip of the hand shaved off just a bit more of her horn than he meant. Suddenly, he felt weary. He placed the piece of wood down, and buried himself into the spare quilt Spades had given him. That night Luna had to quell his nightmares.


In the distance, Walker spotted the alicorn floating towards him. Luna touched down, eying the bodies laid out on the ground warily.

“Is something the matter?” Walker asked. He got up slowly.

“Forgive me, I am still not used to the content of your dreams. They are far more... grim than most ponies',” Luna said. She took his nightmares in stride, bloody, or otherwise. What truly unnerved her was that even his calm dreams had so many disturbing elements. 

The human looked down at the train, and then the shovel in his hands. “Is Lyra awake yet?” Walker asked. In the distance, the dream Lyra lifted her head up, looking at the two of them blankly.

“She has not been conscious for three months,” she said gently. The green mare closed her eyes and her head slumped back to the ground. Luna didn't seem to notice. “If anything were to change I would be the first one to tell you. Fear not, for Loose Leaf and I are working to gather evidence to prove your innocence.”

Walker didn't feel too innocent about anything anymore. “I'm asking not because I need her testimony. I'm asking because she's my friend.”

“As you should. But just because we can not help Lyra does not mean we should not help you.”

“I'd rather have Lyra be awake,” he muttered.

Luna cast a glance at the dream Lyra again, and then at the field behind them. “How are you faring on Spade's orchard? This is the first I've seen you dream of it.”

He sighed. “Well enough, I suppose. They're nice folk, but It's been quiet since Cherry Seed left back for Ponyville.”

Her eyes brightened. “You mean the one that changed her name to Cheerilee? Loose Leaf just sent me her second testimony.”

Walker rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm. “At least somepony's putting in a good word for me.”

“You would not expect what ponies are saying of you.”

He scoffed. “I've seen plenty of that in the news.”

Luna cocked an eyebrow.

“Cherry Seed, she was kind enough to go down to the trading post every week or so, and bring back a newspaper for me. So far its been about how a 'strange and interesting creature' caused a riot in Ponyville and vanished.” 

“More or less all of Ponyville is under scrutiny because of these events.”

Walker didn't seem to hear her. “'Murderer', 'foal-eater', 'minion of Discord', I've read it all. And Spike keeps on politicizing the whole thing to be about his movement.”

"In the courts, some speak of 'Jeremiah the Pariah'. The name Jeremiah Walker is starting to gain some infamy. Have you remained undiscovered? I fear these stories are spreading too quickly.”

He glanced over at the figure waiting inside one of the box carts. “About that...”

Luna glared. “Tell me...”


~	~	~


“Mr. Walker?” Cherry Blossom's sing-song voice called. “Do you have a moment?”

Faster than he cared to admit, he scrambled to his feet and descended the ladder. Cherry Blossom was wearing a tool belt that almost covered her waterwheel cutie mark. She was relatively young, Walker realized; it was only a matter of time before she struck out on her own to pursue her talent, just like her sister.

“Did that unicorn leave yet?”

“Well, not exactly. She busted up her wagon somethin' awful though, and I was wondering if you could take a look at it,” she said. She unfastened the belt, and slung it over a peg on the wall “I would've fixed it myself, but its a problem with the axle.”

“Sure. Where is she?”

She bit her lip hesitantly. “Well, she's right out there, but we should bring the wagon in here to work on.  Luna said to make sure nopony sees you.”

“I guess you're right. Bring the wagon in here, and we'll see--”

“What could possibly be taking so long?” a haughty voice rang out.

Walker swiveled his head just in time to see a unicorn mare with a wizard's hat strut inside. He made eye contact with her, and briefly considered hiding behind the nearest barrel.

“I told you to not come in here! Why the heck aren't you waiting by the porch?” Cherry Blossom asked, more than a hint of annoyance in her voice.

The unicorn harrumphed and adjusted her hat. Walker noticed mud covering her hooves. She wasn't a farm pony, the star spangled cape and cap made that much clear. “It's common knowledge that whenever somepony tells you not go into the barn, it's because they're hiding zombies, or because they're cannibals,” she said matter of factly, lifting the lid off one of the crates and peering inside.

Cherry Blossom gave an exasperated groan. “Just cause you read some silly comic doesn't give you the right to go snooping around!”

“And what's so special about him?” She threw a hoof in the human's direction. “Isn't he just some helper-mokey?”

“Um, I'm a minotaur,” Walker said quickly.

The unicorn cocked a suspicious eyebrow. “Minotaur?”

“Yes.”


~ 	~	~


Luna was rubbing her temples with her hooves. “You threw away your disguise, to help change a wheel.”

Walker frowned. “Well, not intentionally.”

“And then you try to convince her that you're a minotaur? Walker, just by letting her see you on this farm, you have ruined any chance of safety you might have.”

“I'm not so sure...”


~	~	~



Cherry blossom spoke up. “Look, if we're gonna fix your wagon, you gotta promise to not tell a soul anything about him. You don't mention he was here, you don't even know who he is. Are we clear?” She prodded the unicorn with her hoof.

The unicorn rolled her eyes, and blew a white lock of hair away from her face. “Yes, if you insist, Trixie will abide by your silly requests.”

Cherry Blossom shook her head “I can't deal with her. Walker, you kick her off the farm anytime you like.” She walked out of the barn. 

Walker shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels, still processing the situation. After a moment he said, “So, let's get that wagon in here.”

She telekinetically pulled the wagon into the barn. A gaudily painted thing that was falling into disrepair.

“What seems to be the problem, Miss...”

She cleared her throat and gestured to the fading paint. The Great and Powerful Trixie. 

He scratched his head. That wasn't anything like the pony names he'd seen before. “Trixie, what brings you to the Cherry's farm?”

“The damned wheel broke five miles down the road. This was the closest place I could find.”

He inspected the detached wheel. A ragged chunk of the axle still clung to it. He examined the underbelly of the cart. The bottom was a mess of hastily tacked on boards, bent nails, duct tape and a myriad of other amateur repairs. Sure enough, the wooden axle was splintered, and effectively destroyed. More than that, the iron bands holding the rear and front axle to the wagon were wickedly bent, having embedded themselves in what was left of the wooden pole, preventing rotation.

He squirmed out from under the wagon. “The wheel is the least of our problems.” 

Trixie didn't seem to hear him. Instead, she was staring at his boots. “I've never seen a minotaur wear such long boots.”

“Well, I do. Look, could we just focus—” She stepped onto the side of his boot, pressing it against ground with her hoof. “Could you please get off my foot?” he barked.

Trixie smirked as she stepped off of him. “Especially since, you know, minotaurs stand on hooves. For that matter, I've never seen a minotaur with a cutie mark.” She took his arm in her telekinetic grasp, and examined the sigil he bore on his forearm. “Two canes? Is that why they call you Walker? Is your special talent walking, or something?”

He yanked his arm back. “You know, you're asking a hell of a lot of questions. Do you want your god damned wagon fixed or not?”

He glared at her until she looked down at her own hooves. “Trixie did not realize how serious you were about your secrets.”

Fuming, he turned back to the cart, and inspected the wreck before him for a silent moment. “And they're not canes. They're shepherd crooks,” he added hotly. 

Trixie gave a wan smile. “Noted.” She sat down, and allowed him to inspect his work. 

“Honestly I'm surprised this thing is still in one piece. What do you do that puts your wagon through so much wear and tear?”

Trixie shrugged. “Trixie is on the road a lot. I haven't had time for proper repairs.”

“It looks like you crashed it a few times.”

“There were some... damages last year.”

“What kind of damages?” Walker asked.

“Major damages. Ursa Major damages,” she said, sullen.

“What's this lever?” he asked, feeling along the underside of the wagon.

Her eyes went wide. “Wait! Don't—”

Before Trixie could stop him, Walker unlatched it, and the top of the wagon swung open, smashing a crate or two with a drop down stage. Pipes and horns flipped on hinges, and blasted pyrotechnics. The two of them yelped and dove for cover as a roman candle ricocheted off of a support beam and off of the walls. More went off until the entire barn was being spattered in sparks.

Trixie managed to magically grip as many of the fireworks as she could, and let them burn out mid-air. Walker went around stomping out any glowing embers he found. Trixie joined, using her magic to sweep any burning debris out of the barn and into the mud. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that Walker's hood was catching fire. 

“Walker!” she shouted. She quickly conjured a bucket of water, and dumped it over him.

He swore loudly as he was splashed. He felt the singed and soaked hood, muttering obscenities. He took off his hoodie, and used the dampened cloth to put out the last of the fires.

Finally, when all was extinguished, the two sat panting, backs against the wall.

Walker swiped his finger on a charred spot on a nearby post. “Well, Spades will probably have my hide for this.”

The unicorn gave an apologetic grimace. “Its... not supposed to do that, exactly.”

“What exactly is it you do?” he asked suspiciously. 

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “I thought you didn't want me speaking.”

He sighed. “In the interest of not burning down the barn, we can talk. Just no questions about me personally. Now, why are you carting around this death trap?”

“Very well. I am a showmare.”

It was Walker's turn to be confused. “You're Jewish?”

“Trixie is a traveling magician, a master of illusion, abjuration and evocation.” For show, she flared her cape and magicked a cloud of colored smoke behind her. “And a magician needs a stage as great as she. It just so happens that mine must be portable.” She flashed a cocky grin. 

“I see,” Walker said, scratching his chin. 

She walked around the stage, placing her hat on a nearby barrel. “This wagon, its more than just a place to sleep. It's part of Trixie's act. It's been part of the act since I left home. We've been through a lot together.” For a brief moment, her air of bravado vanished. Gently, she placed a hoof on the side of the wagon, and looked at the lettering on the cart. The glittery paint chipped where she touched it, leaving exposed wood. There was a split running down the board. The unicorn turned to the human. “Trixie would very much appreciate it if you could stop the fireworks from discharging when the stage comes down.”

“I have absolutely no idea how to do that. I don't even know if I can fix the moving parts.” He gestured to the unfolded stage, now occupying half the barn.

Trixie winced. “Could you just, maybe fix the wheels? I just need to get to the next town, earn some more money for the rest of the repairs.”

Walker doubted it would even make it to the next town, wheeled or not. “It would take months and thousands of bits to fix this. You'd be better off salvaging the parts.”

He thought that she would yell at him, but instead, she cast sullen eyes downward. “This cart, I know it's not in tip top shape, but it means a lot to me. If I have to spend some money to get her back to her former glory, or if I have to bring her to a junk yard, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. But until then, I have to stay on the road, and I need your help to get moving again.”

It was a fool's errand. But then again, he didn't have much of anything on his to-do list. It was either humor the mare or go back to staring at the rafters. Besides, he was enjoying the diversion, even if it cost him his hoodie. “Just remove anything that explodes,” Walker sighed.

Trixie nearly squealed with delight. She concentrated, and telekinetically pulled more fireworks out of various tubes, slots and crevices. After a minute or two she finished assembling a pile of neatly stacked ordnance. With some difficulty, the two pushed the stage back into its upright and locked position. “If we're just fixing the wheel, then all we need is a new axle and some brackets.” 

Trixie looked around her, at all the tools and bits of equipment hung on the walls, in barrels and boxes. “And I don't suppose that there are any in here?”

“Well, there is one way to find out.”

Silently they rummaged around the barn. He felt uneasy with an unfamiliar pony around him, and the words did not come to him easily. Still, he felt questions forming on the tip of his tongue. He only had Spades and Cherry Blossom for company and they were off the farm doing errands as often as not.

“So, is there a lot of money in being a traveling magician?”

“Not as much as there used to be. I used to make a route between Trottingham and Ponyville. I've been trying to find a new audience as of late. I have to keep the odd job here or there.”

Walker frowned. “I've never seen you around Ponyville before.”

Trixie gave him an odd look. “I haven't been there for more than a year.”

Walker just realized what he said. He tried to play it cool. “I guess I missed you when I was visiting,” he remarked cryptically. “What made you stop coming?”

“I'm not exactly 'allowed in Ponyville' anymore,” she said, bending her forehooves for air quotes. “Even if I was, I'd probably be laughed off of the stage.”

“Hey, they're a bunch of assholes. They treated me like crap because I was a minotaur. I wouldn't go back there even if you paid me.”

Trixie opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it. “It doesn't surprise me. Those ponies are as rude and ignorant as they come. You've got the right idea Walker, avoiding that place.” 

“Didn't you say you used to travel through there all the time?” Walker asked.

She gave no reply but looked away from him, and glowered.

“What happened there?” he prodded.

“Nothing,” she murmured quietly. She telekinetically picked up her hat and drew it so the brim covered her eyes.

He had the good sense to realize he touched a nerve, and attempted to change the subject, despite his curiosity. He couldn't imagine for the life of him what it was, but it had cut her deep. Despite his best conversation starters, he couldn't coax her into speaking again. After a few minutes of silence he resigned himself to finding brackets. They looked for more than twenty minutes before he found some. “A couple of them are just a little too big, but we can fix that with some good, old-fashioned hammering,” he said, holding them up for her to see. 

Walker decided they might as well start by taking off the broken brackets. He pulled out the screwdriver from his old tool belt, while Trixie magicked the cart onto its side. As he removed the first bracket, a creaking noise spread throughout the barn. Before either of them could react, the base of the wagon splintered apart and fell into itself. Without the structural support, the topmost face slid off towards the right, leaving a ragged, splintery post. The meager contents of her wagon were exposed, a sleeping roll and a small dresser missing a drawer.

“Um... we might need some more parts,” Walker said lamely. Trixie turned away from him. She was desperately trying to hold back tears. “Trixie?”

She ran out of the barn. Walker gave chase. 

“Wait,” he called out. “I can fix this!”

He put his hand on her shoulder. “Wait, Trixie, look at me. This is just a.. a setback. I can salvage parts from this wagon, and start making a new one for you. You can keep on going around, doing odd jobs to pay for it. In a month or two, you'll have a whole new wagon! I--”

“You don't understand,” Trixie murmered. “I keep on trying and trying, and what does it get me? I'm a failure. Everypony saw me get upstaged by that unicorn Twilight Sparkle, and they all think I'm a dirty liar.”

Walker was dumbfounded. “You know Twilight Sparkle?”

“You mean the unicorn that insulted me, made me a laughingstock of an entire region? I can't even put on a show anywhere within twenty miles of Ponyville, I'll just get booed off stage. I'm a damned failure.”

He sat down next to her, and tentatively placed his hand on her shoulder. “Between you and me, I hate her. Who does she think she is, the princess of making everyone's lives difficult?”

Trixie's sobbing turned into chuckles. She wiped away a tear. “She'd probably start a riot if she thought she could write one of her friendship reports about it,” she said.

The two went back and forth, finding all the insults and ribs they could imagine against Twilight, some more colorful than others. Walker surprised himself with the vitriol of some of his comments. As they were winding down, Trixie was still snorting at “Twilight? More like Cry-light”, but Walker realized he had his fist clenched so tight, he could see the deep welts left by his fingernails in the meat of his palm.

“I hope somepony breaks her horn off,” he said quietly. He realized he'd been clenching his jaw for the last few minutes. Consciously, he took a deep breath. 

“And I thought that I didn't like her. That's a little dark.”

“Sorry! I wasn't thinking. It's just that... She's the reason I didn't stay in Ponyville. She wanted me out of her sight. I guess she got her wish.”

“That's rough, buddy,” She said. “But thank you. I needed that, even if it got a little catty.”

“What did Twilight do to you?”

“Do you know what its like to have your entire job depend on your reputation?” Walker was inclined to say yes, but let her continue speaking. “I may have exaggerated a bit about how I vanquished an Ursa Major. What do you know? A couple of boneheads bring around an Ursa Major, and tell me to vanquish it. Those things are ginormous. I'm not a beast tamer! It crushed my wagon. Twilight shows up out of nowhere, and takes care of the problem. Tells everyone she spent all day researching how to deal with giant bear-star things.”

Walker grimaced. “You mean, she brought a dangerous creature to Ponyville just to show you up?”

“She might as well have. And to what? Show me that I'm a braggart? To prove to Celestia that she can best me? I can't make a living anymore doing what I love, ponies don't respect me anymore. My parents have probably disowned me.”

“That's not true. They'll still love you no matter what you do.” As the words left his mouth, he felt guilt gnawing at him. He wondered if his mom would still love him, if she knew everything he did. He wondered if folks who made it to heaven ever bothered visiting their kin in hell. 

“I just... I just feel like, I don't belong anywhere. This wagon, its the only home I have left. And now its in smithereens.”

“Same... I can't even show my face anywhere in Equestria. And they'd probably throw me in jail if I ever went home.” he began fiddling with the beads of his necklace. 

She eyed him, noting his sullen appearance. “What happened?”

“Its a long story. Another day, maybe.”

“So, if you're not from Ponyville, where is home for a... minotaur like yourself?”

He sighed. “Far away. Very far.”

“Try me. Let me guess, Zebrica? Neighpon?”

He chuckled softly. “West Virginia ring a bell?”

“Why did you leave?”

“That's getting personal, again.”

“Well, do you like it here on this farm?”

“No,” Walker said. “But it's the only place I can be.”

Trixie chuckled softly. “You'd think so, until you've been on the road for a while. There's lots of places in Equestria, and most of them aren't half as bad as Ponyville.”

“Where are you from Trixie?”

“Tawleed, its a small town outside of Fillydelphia. Real nice place.”

Walker sat down on a bale of hay. “How come you don't feel welcome there, then?”

“I used to be a legend there. I come from a long line of powerful unicorns, and my parents wanted me to be special so much. When I did my first show, it was the first time my mom and dad said they were proud of me. But now, I'm less than a has-been. I'm a fraud. I get heckled off stage. I can't go home a full grown mare and a full grown failure. Not to them.” 

“How long have you been Trixie?”

She looked at him. “And what do you mean by that?”

“Ponies change their name all the time. I'm just curious what your original name was. Trixie doesn't seem like the kind of name you folk give their children.”

“It's... more of a stage name now. I've been Trixie for five years, ever since I've been traveling.”

“Why not use your real name?”

“Bellatrix Lulamoon isn't a real crowd pleaser. Trixie is the pony everypony wants to see, wants to be. Trixie is the great and powerful, the pony who means something. Bellatrix is just some scrawny blue filly who was only good at disappointing her parents.”


~	~	~


“It seems that she has suffered in her own way,” Luna mused. 

“Yeah. We had a long talk after that.”


~	~	~


“I'm the second oldest of five brothers. My brother Danny's two years younger than me, he's probably my best friend, even if we fought a lot.”

Trixie smiled. “I've got five sisters, three older, two younger. And three older brothers to boot. There were a lot of wrestling matches.”

“Haha, we didn't fight physically. Well, sometimes, but not usually. Danny was always off doing stupid shit in high school, and I was always chewing his ear off about it. He was lucky it was me catching him, and not our father.”

“What he did he do?”

“He and his friends liked to steal traffic cones, paint graffiti on bridges, stuff like that. One time they were all jumping off roofs, and he broke his arm. I had to pick him up and bring him to a clinic. The thing is, we hid the cast for almost three days before our dad found out. Danny would keep his arm in a jacket, whenever Dad was home. He didn't find out till one of the congregation members asked him what happened to Danny; and when he found out, he was livid. He grounded everyone for three weeks, even though Kyle didn't even do anything. Thank god Danny straightened out after his sophomore year.”

“They're not family if they don't drive you crazy sometimes,” Trixie mused tilting her head and looking at him curiously. “You sort of remind me of my sister, Flannel Fleece.”

“Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?”

“Good thing. She was my favorite of eight siblings.”

“Is that a big family for ponies?”

“Gigantic. Laundry days were a nightmare,” she said, eliciting a chuckle from Walker. “Flannel Fleece, she was the oldest. Dad put her in charge of delegating chores, and she always made of point of making sure I was doing laundry with her. We'd spend hours talking about anything. Colts, my cutie mark, our other siblings...”

“Do ponies wear clothes that often?”

“We did. Mom and Dad believe the clothes make the mare. Anytime we went anywhere as a family, everypony had to get dressed up at the same time. It got pretty hectic, and the whole town knew that no matter what the occasion, the Lulamoons would always be there half an hour later than planned.”

Walker prodded the ground with a stick. “After my mom died, my family was kind of like that. Nobody knew when we were leaving or where anyone else was. Dad did the best he could working full time with five boys, but he didn't have the logistic ability she had. Somehow we all managed to get to church at the same time, one way or another.”

“Do you miss them?” Trixie asked.

“Yeah. More than I thought.” He turned to look at her. “What about you? When's the last time you've been home?”

“A while.”

“Are you going to visit them, now that your wagon is... you know,” Walker said, gesturing back to the barn.

“I'm not sure. I miss them, a lot, but I can't go back yet. When my parents sent me off, they gave me this family heirloom. My grandpa, he was a traveling magician, and they repainted the cart, put my name on it. They told me, 'do great things,'. I can't disappoint them, I can't. So, I got to...”

“'Do great things'?” Walker suggested.

“Something like that. I need to have something to show for the last five years. Fame, fortune, at least a new spell. I need to come home with more than a smashed cart and a bad rap.”

In the distance, the two heard a clangoring dinner bell. “Pa, Mr. Walker, supper's ready!” Cherry Blossom called. 

Walker lifted himself to his feet, and wiped his hands on his jeans. “I'm sure Spades won't care if you stay for dinner. We should probably talk to him, figure out if there's a hardware store nearby. Maybe there's still hope for your wagon.” He started walking towards the house, but stopped after a few paces. Trixie hadn't moved an inch. “Not hungry?”

She looked at him thoughtfully, and then an evil grin spread across her face. “Walker?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you're that human everypony's been talking about.”

He broke out into a cold sweat. “How did you know?”

“It wasn't too hard to figure out. Keeping secrets just makes you look guilty. Plus, you're way too skinny to be a minotaur.” She poked his gut.

He stared at her, dumbfounded, jaw gaping wide. Here he thought he had made a friend, but now it was all over. He only felt the same dull, defeated panic as a man marching towards the gallows. “So, now what? Are you going to turn me over to the mob? Demand a ransom? Kill me?” 

She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Nah, you're good company. If you want, you can join me on the road.” She gave him a cocky grin. 

It took him a moment to process what she said. He didn't know whether to be relieved or upset. It was all he could manage to stare at her in disbelief. 

“So... is that a yes?”

“Hello, you knew exactly who I was. I can't go out there, ponies will recognize me.”

“They'll be looking for Walker the human, not Walker the minotaur,” she said, nudging his elbow.

“You just said that I don't look like a minotaur,” he said.

“True, but you don't look too much like the pictures they drew of you in the newspaper. Besides, I only assumed because you were acting so defensive.”

Walker preferred to ignore the newspaper's drawings depicting him as a spindly, needle-clawed figure with vampire fangs. The photos they had of him were blurry or too distant to be sure. With his newly grown beard, and a fresh set of clothes, he might even be able to go unrecognized. “Do you think they'd believe me if I told them I was a Zebrican minotaur or something?”

She shrugged. “I'd believe it.”

“I don't want to be your exotic magical wonder, if that's what you're thinking,” he said crossly.

“I was thinking of taking a break from magic shows, With my cart the way it is. Not like I was encountering much success,” she said with a grimace.

“Then why take me with you?”

“Like I said, you're good company. Besides, I think you'd like a change of scenery.”


~	~	~


“What did you tell her?” Luna asked, nonplussed. Part of her wondered if it would have been more discreet to have him live with the zebra in the Everfree forest.

“I told her I'd sleep on it. I needed to talk to you first.”

Frankly, she was more concerned with how easily he was found. “Walker, I fail to see what you will gain from following around an errant magician. It will only put you in harm's way. Please, bide your time until the report is done, when it is safe. Then, we shall plan what to do.”

“Is a report going to keep me safe?” Walker asked. “I'd still have to stay out of sight, out of mind. I might be here for a long while.”

“Perhaps.”

“Is it atonement to live a quiet peaceful life? To just farm and be a simple man?”

Luna had no answer.

“I want to go home, Luna. Even if I'm not welcome anymore. I could be here until I die, farming, waiting for the day I can be sent back. I need to make amends for what I've done, not wait to be forgiven. I can't settle down here. It doesn't feel right.”

Luna furrowed her brow in contemplation. “It is imperative you find your way back, but I am uncertain the solution is to leave safety to gallivant around Equestria.”

“I've got your mark for protection, don't I? All the safety in the world doesn't mean anything if I'm not moving forward. All I'm doing here is watching the icicles melt.”

“Do you truly believe this to be the best?”

“I'm starting to see His plan now. I'm supposed to go out and do something. You said so yourself. When Fluttershy broke my arm, I should have kept moving along to the next town, but I stayed. God damn it, I stayed. When Abe was chosen by the church's council, I should have found a different congregation. Don't you see?” He gestured to the mark Luna had given him. “I'm a Wanderer now. All of my grief, past and present, it's because I try to put down roots. He's given me a sign now. I need to keep moving.” He looked toward Trixie, patiently waiting on the train.

Walker continued. “Trixie, she's got a lot on her plate, but I think I can help her out just a little bit. I can be her friend and truth be told I need a friend too, more than ever. With her I can see this world and maybe change it for the better.”

There was twinkle in the alicorn's eye. “My sister would approve of your inclinations towards friendship.” She examined the coin in Walker's hand. “Perhaps fate is calling you onward. Heaven knows a traveling companion would do this Bellatrix some good.”

“You think it's a good idea?”

“Do you know what Bellatrix seeks in her journey?”

He thought for a moment. “I think she wants to feel worthy of love and admiration. But first, she has to be more honest with herself.”

“And do you know what you seek, Jeremiah?”

“I want to help her. And I want to help this world, so I might be forgiven.”

She smiled. “You have my blessings.”


That morning, Walker awoke with a smile for the first time in over half of a year.


When he told the Cherry's his decision, they were kind enough to offer up some food for both Walker and Trixie, including a heel of bread, a bag of dried cherries, and three jars of peanut butter. Trixie thanked them and stuffed it all into her saddlebags before Walker could raise any objections. “God damned sick of peanut butter,” he muttered to himself.

“When are you coming back for your wagon?” Spades asked. 

She pondered this for a moment. “I probably won't be,” she told them. 

Walker scratched his head. “I thought you loved that cart.”

“We could, erm, sweep it into the corner, and hold it in case you ever want it back. It wouldn't be too much trouble,” Spades offered. 

Trixie turned to the human. “I've had a lot to sleep on last night. I've dragged that cart everywhere I went, through mud and over mountains. Maybe my wagon was just holding me back.”

Walker blinked. Before he could respond, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“You might want this,” Cherry Blossom told him, tossing him a folded piece of cloth.

He unraveled it. “A poncho?”

She looked up at the overcast sky. “In case it rains out there.”

“Thank you,” he said with a smile.

“Good bye, Mr. Walker, and don't be a stranger!” 

Walker draped the navy blue wool over his shoulders, and picked up the walking stick he had found on his journey towards the orchard. His rucksack was half filled with the few intact clothes he had, the flute Lyra had given him, and a few days worth of food and water. He had good boots, and a long ways to go. “Thank you so much for your hospitality. Luna will make sure you are rewarded.” 

Spades chuckled. “You don't worry about that none. Just keep yourself out of trouble...” Walker grimaced upon hearing that. If the newspaper was anything to go by, he already had quite a reputation. “And if you ever get the itch for the farm life, you're welcome back any time.”


Bellatrix smiled as they walked down the road. “They're nice.”

“Sometimes it's hard to remember they're good folk in the world.” He paused. “Where are we headed, anyways?”

“North.”

“North?”

“It's as good a direction as any,” she said, a twinkle in her eye.

“Seriously Trixie, where are we going?”

“I hear there's a new city that showed up. The Crystal Empire. I figured we would meander our way up to there, if it's all the same to you.”

“Well, it's as good a city as any,” he said, laughing.


They walked through a cherry orchard, the branches bare. “Say, what should I call you, 'Walker'?” she said. “Certainly an odd name for minotaur, even one from West Virginia.”

“Pardon?”

“I told you my first name; it's only fair I know yours. Besides, we don't want somepony to confuse you with that human everypony's been talking about,” she said with a tell-tale wink.

He puzzled a moment, looking at the sigil. “Cai...” He still could not determine if it was a blessing or curse. “Caleb. Caleb Walker.” He looked up again, only to see the the squat, wooden gate that marked the border of the property. The human hadn't set foot outside the orchard since he arrived. Hidden too long, he thought.

“Well, Caleb, you ready?” she asked, casting a glance backwards.

Not even fifteen feet beyond was the dirt road that would take him back into the land that shunned him, to the society of ponies that only thought of him as a pariah, or some martyr for Spike's political movement. Here he was, heading out into a cruel world, if only for the chance to do right by it. He peered off into the distance. The road veered off into some rocky hills, but beyond that he though he could see a sliver of sunlight off in the horizon. He gave a slight nod and stepped onto the road.

“Come, I'll tell you everything about living free.”

> Deleted Scenes and Commentary
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, we’ve certainly come far in this tale of a human lost in a pony world. I thought I might explain the circumstances of why I wrote this story in the first place. 

The original idea of this story was inspired by, believe it or not, Cupcakes. That’s right. when I first read the story, I was rather upset. and then I wondered, what if there was someone there to rescue Rainbow Dash? then I asked, who could slip out of Pinkamena’s restraints. someone with hands. A human.  

the idea behind “The Man With Two Names” began with one scene In my head: A human, holding an injured and unconscious Rainbow Dash, escapes from pinkie’s torture chamber, and runs away. Pinkie, in fear of her secret being revealed, claims that the human tried to kill Rainbow Dash, and sets all of Ponyville after him, without a chance to explain himself (you can see this in the later chapters). It’s also sort of the reason why RD and Pinkie aren’t really present in the story, because in my mind palace there still off in the original cupcakes-esque first draft of the story, Pinkie chasing around First Draft Jerry around, while he carries a wingless rainbow dash.

Jeremiah Walker was originally going to be a gruff butcher. the story was simply going to be called “the butcher”, and it started a little like this:



I knew they wouldn’t like my answer.  As long as I kept my past to myself,  it was A-okay. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.  I elected to not tell Twilight, the first talking thing I met in this strange world, and my closest friend here. She never asked. She was too busy showing me around this new world, showing me Ponyville, introduced me to her little horse friends. She helped me adapt, gave me a place to stay, and was even lining up a job for me. 
Then she wrote about me to the princess, about a week  after I wound up here.  She was fascinated about hearing a report about such a strange and intelligent creature (her words, not mine), and requested my audience in Canterlot. It was a great affair, dining with royalty, and Twilight beside me, I was almost begginning to forget about home, and all the things I missed. Friends, family, meat. Haha, well I’d learn to live without meat now. And then the princess asked me what I did on Earth for a living. That’s when it went down hill.
In retrospect, I probably should have just lied to the princess, told her that I was an insurance salesman, or something non-threatening to ponies.  Declining to answer, I learned, leads to extreme curiosity, which in turn leads to prying. And unicorns prying  lead to memory viewing spells. Idid my best to turn the conversation to other matters, but Celestia grew insistent,  threatened if I wouldn’t speak, she would have me pinned down, and a memory spell forced upon me. All conversation had stopped and  the focus was solely on us. I told Celestia she wouldn’t like what she saw. But she touched her glowing horn to my forehead.
There are no words that could possibly justify to them what I did for a living.  To me, I was just a butcher at a supermarket. To them, I systematically mutilated dead bovine in a murder factory, from 9 to 5, Mondays through Saturdays.  Taking the dead bodies of their friends, and tearing and cutting and grinding until there was nothing left but little slabs, and raw sausage. strings of innards, bloated and tied off in sections, like an unraveled balloon animal.
after a minute of silence, her eyes opened she jerked away, and ran to a bathroom and we heard her wretch.  The murmur quickly rose again, and twilight looked at me frightened. The color drained from my face. 
“What did she see?” she asked.
“bad things, Twi…” I said. I couldn’t bare to look at her. They knew now. It was only a matter of time before the second life I was building here vanished. Here, I’m easily ten times worse than a cannibal. I’m a monster. If they didn’t outright kill me, I’d be thrown into the woods no doubt, and left to fend for myself. 
“GUARDS! Get that animal away from anything sharp, and anypony he can hurt RIGHT NOW” Celestia’s voice reverberated throughout the hall.  I looked up. There was a beat of silence before I felt myself tackled by guards. I was man-handled, and thrown into a small room, and magically restrained against the wall.  The guard with me seemed as confused as everyone else. Another guard entered after a few minutes, had a whispered conversation with the white armored unicorn restraining me, then left. we spent another moment in silence. 
“any reason in particular why yer brain’s so bucked up that the princess can’t stop screaming bloody murder after she saw your thoughts?” he finally broke the silence.  I never stopped and wondered how fitting that idiom could be. “ya aint’ Cthulu er nothing are ye?” he added after a moment. I couldn’t help but chuckle, in spite of the grim fate that was now unfolding.
“last time I checked, no.”  I said.  So ponies had H.P Lovecraft. Who knew?
“heh he.  Finally, a prisoner with a sense of humor for a change.  But in all seriousness,  what did she see that was so bad?”
“what’s the worst possible thing you could ever do in Equestria”
“you mean in a social situation? probably whatever just happened back there”
“no, I mean criminally,” the guard thought for a moment.
“probably rape a bunch a folk,” he answered
“okay, nowhere near that bad. Well kinda, no wait!” 




But then, I started thinking about HiE’s, and I became determined to write one that breaks the mould. One where the main six don’t take kindly to the human, where the deck is stacked against him. Where the human wasn’t the narrator, but the ponies that saw him as a strange animal.  I was heavily inspired by “Hands” (at least the first few chapters), but I wanted to add social difficulty as the main conflict instead of romantic tension between the main character and Twilight (and then Fluttershy. I kind of stopped reading at that point).

So here we have the story you all came to know and love. Inspired by Cupcakes, Hands, Shipping Goggles, Finding Your Voice. Also tangentally inspired by “Invisible Man” by Ralph Ellison, Othello, Wolfmother’s song “vagabond”, and all the bad HiE’s i’ve ever read. 



The original ending to Chapter four was pretty damn terrible:

The Farm Hand (Applejack)



When suddenly, A sobbing cow came barrelling through the crowd. It was Daisy. she ran up to me, blubbering and sobbing, and I couldn’t make out a single word coming out of her mouth. Everypony was staring at her, and the human too. I pulled her aside, removed  “Daisy! Whats wrong?”

“Oh Applejack, It’s terrible! Moobella, she- she...” Poor Daisy’s wailing became incomprehensible.

“What’s wrong with Moobella?” A spike of panic shot through me. Moobella, bless her heart, I’ve known her since the day I was born.

“She was sick, and then she just died!” She descended into histrionics once again.  I bowed my head, and removed my hat, then just gave Daisy the biggest hug I could muster. Some ponies who had known her also bowed their heads, their friends asking who the deceased was. Applebloom’s bow became droopy.  I saw Lyra frantically scribbling, the human whispering back. I put it out of my mind for now.

“Well, I’m going to help with the arrangements, you hear? Good ole Applejack will take of all this for ya. Ah’m mighty sorry, and ahm gonna miss her.” I kept consoling her, patting her neck for quite a while. Ah hate for her to be making a scene like this, but hay, a pony’s gotta do what a pony’s gotta do. And I’m responsible for everything on this farm, from the ponies to the trees to the cattle. Big Mac glanced at me, and I nodded. I was going to be taking the rest of the day off to help Daisy and the other cattle through this. I began to lead Daisy back to where Moobella had passed away.

“Excuse, Ms. Applejack?”  

“What is it?” I spun around seeing the human, tapping his fingers together.

He seemed to have lost his tongue.  Lyra gave him a reassuring nudge forward. “Um, could I speak with you in private for a moment?”

“Ah’m kinda busy, right now, a’ve got personal matters to attend to.”

“It’ll only be a moment.”

The human fidgeted in anticipation, Daisy was in a heap sobbing hysterically. I sighed. “This better be important.”

we walked a little ways away. far away enough where we could whisper and not be heard, but close enough for everypony to see if he tried to eat me. I spied the knife tucked into the boot, and wondered how many birds he’s killed with it.

. “As you may know, I have... certain dietary needs, in order to stay healthy. I haven’t exactly been getting all of my regular nutrients since i’ve got here. I’m starting to feel it.”

I wasn’t interested in hearing about his hunting expeditions. “Cut to the chase. I ain’t one fer beating around the bush.”

“This cow, Moobella. Well, I would gladly give up my day’s salary if you were to give me her body.”

I felt bile rise in my throat. “WHAT?”

His resolve seemed to die out.  “Um... Well, you see-”

“And what exactly do ya plan on doing with her?” I shouted. Everypony was looking at us now. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off again. “Ah don’t suppose you’d be planning on giving poor old Moobella a proper burial, would you?” I jabbed my hoof into his gut. He quivered.

“Applejack, wait a minute. She’s already dead, what’s the harm?”

“What’s the harm? What’s the harm? You damn well know what’s happening. You got a taste for bird, and now for cow. You’re just working your way up to ponies, Arent ya?” This was his plan, wasn’t it? Wait till he finds an equine all alone?

“Wait! That’s not what’s happening-”

“AJ, whats wrong?”  Big Mac came galloping up to us, as well as some of the burlier stallions.

“This thing just asked me If he could eat Moobella! this sick, carrion eatin’ omnivore that you let on our farm!”

The eternal calm of Big Mac’s face vanished, leaving him wide eyed. “Jeremiah, is this true?”

The human bowed his head, and looked mournfully back at him.

I felt myself on the verge of tears. I couldn’t take this any longer, I was going to do what was best for my farm, for my family, for the cattle and everpony working here.  “Get out. Stay away from my farm, ya here!?!”  My voice was breaking.

“But, I’m your best worker! You need me! You said so yourself!” The human dropped to his knees, pleading in his eyes.


Big Mac shook his head solemnly.
“Please, let me keep working here, please! Can’t we pretend this never happened?” With everypony hearing? I don’t think so. He was only enraged by our silence, showing himself for the animal he was. “God Damn it! You realize how much your screwing me over?”

“Did yah not hear me? Get out before I hafta buck you out of here. And don’t you dare set another hoof anywhere near Sweet Apple Acres!” I leered at him, trying with all my might to emulate Fluttershy’s stare. The human returned it, with a world of pain and anger in his eyes. I returned the gaze, and for a tense moment, I thought he was gonna pull that knife of his out.  He finally broke away, stalked off, and made his way to the exit.

He walked down the trail shouting curses and profanities. I spat on the ground. Good riddance. The human swiveled, and started walking backwards. At the same time, he lifted both his arms up into sky, and balled his fists, leaving the centermost digits on each hand protruding upward. He aimed the gesture right at me. Just as quickly, he turned back around and headed around the bend. What the hay is that supposed to mean?

It didn’t matter. I went back to Daisy, and led her back to the her ranch.




Lucky’s chapter also had a few alternative dialogues that I decided to cut.




"So, how is that fillyfriend of yours doing? what's her name again? Libra?" Rarity asked

"Lyra and I are fine."

"Really? because I haven't seen her stop to visit recently."

"We eat dinner at her house."	
--
“I’m not one to Intrude in Lyra’s personal life, but if that’s the reason why she’s been hesitant to talk to you., then i’m going to have a talk with her.”

“you would do that for me?”

“i’ll make sure that she sits down like a grown Pony, and has an adult conversation with you about your feelings. i’ll have her drop by tommorow”  




The Applicant (Mayor Mare)



“Why the hell does a god-damned animal ask to become part of the town?”

“Why not just, I don’t know, tell him he has to go someplace else?”

“But Ms. Twilight Sparkle, mentee of the princess of Equestria, advised me to relocate him to the Everfree Forest. Now that seems like a great solution, but then you realize that he would be killed by an actually vicious animal. All he’s done wrong is kill a chicken. There are far worse things in this world. I’m not sending him to his death just because Fluttershy lost one of her chickens. Do you know how many chickens this pony has?”

“A lot?”

“So many, we stopped trying to register all of her pets years ago. Besides.”





The guest (Bon Bon)



Officer Stamgard trotted onto the scene fifteen minutes after I made the call. Of course, by that time, Lucky was long gone. He’d woken a few of the neighbors, and the police pony took the time to get statements from all of them, after he listened to me. He trotted back and sighed. “It looks like we’re going to give him a citation for Drunk and Disorderly.”

“Can’t you arrest him? He’s been harassing us for months.”

“we’ve already booked him once on assault charges against Lyra. At this point, I think you’re best option is getting a restraining order. Still, I’ll go over to Lucky’s and give him a warning.”

---
Lyra is by far the most expressive pony i know. she has to be, if she wants to be
understood. Of course she has her pen and notebook, but she really only uses it when she is having a conversation with a stranger, or needs to be particularly elaborate. she hardly ever had to raise her pen in my presence; over the years spent with her, i grew able to intuit whatever she means to say. i often find myself playing interpreter. you could almost say my voice is hers.


“Lyra, nothing good will come of this, you know that?”
she rolled her eyes, and turned back to the task at hand.
“Lyra, are you even listening?” i was getting mad now.
she put her hoof to her ear and leaned towards me, feigning deafness.
What? can’t hear you!
“Lyra!”





The Assistant (Lucky)

I kept on getting stuck on the scene, and I didn’t know what to do, so I just wrote anything that came to mind for a while. This is what happened.



I stumbled backwards, as I felt my snout throb horribly, as I felt blood flowed freely. “God damn it, Lucky, god fucking damn it! I thought you were my friend. I thought you wanted to help me.” I caught a glint of a tear in his eye. “Then you just fuck me over, like every one of these god damned ponies. I thought you were different, you bastard!”

At that moment, a beam of fiery light piled onto to Jerry from the morning sky, and I was momentarily blinded by the flash. Was he being burned alive? No, he was bathing in the inferno, laughing, letting the flames cleanse him of his mortal weakness. I saw as his skin and clothes burned off, revealing the reddish skin of an imp below. He pulled the skin off of his hands like a glove, revealing  needly claws, black as iron. He tore the skin away from his face, and cast it away. It lay crumpled on the street like a fleshy burlap sack. I stared up in horror, as bat wings extended from his back, and I saw him for what he truly was. Crooked, goat horns protruding from his temples, and long canine teeth that protruded all the way down to his chin, interlocking with the bottom teeth in a way that looked like crossing sabers. He had evil yellow eyes. Jerry laughed in booming, demonic voice.

“Pathetic mortal. You discovered my true nature. Few ponies sought reasons to fear my disguise, but only you saw through the truth. You are a clever pony. I’ll be sure to kill you last.” He waved his hand flippantly, and the beam of light evaporated into nothing.

I backed up, stammering. “You’re a… A…”

“An Incubus. I have come to bed all the virgin mares of your town, and  then feast on their succulent flesh.” He licked his lips, only to sever his tongue on his razor sharp teeth. It laid wrigginlg on the ground until he picked it up, and reattached it to the bottom of his mouth. the flesh rejoined with a terrible hiss.

“You bastard! I’ll Kill you!” I pulled my trusty stake from my tool belt. I carved it out of the finest oak tree. I found it growing over the grave of a saint. For extra demon slaying power I misted it in garlic-infused olive oil daily, and taped it to a sawn off shotgun. I put the whole contraption in my mouth and charged heroically at the Incubus. “Stay away from my Lyra, you minion of  Discord!!! And maybe Bon Bon too, I guess.”

He swatted my weapon away, and lifted me up by the throat. “Fool! I am no minion of Discord. I serve none but Korrak!” He proceeded to projectile vomit corrosive acid at the house. It ate away at the wall within seconds, revealing two ponies slumbering peacefully in their room.

“Really?”

“Actually, not really. I’m just a normal human, who’s trying to find his place in this world.” I found myself back on all fours, looking at Jerry, as I had known him for the past two and a half months, normal as can be. Damn, I really needed to stop huffing paint on the job.  “Can I show you something, Lucky?”

“Uh, sure, I guess.” I looked back up at the house. The front wall was still missing, and there were blackened edges smoldering. I elected to not give the sight anymore thought.
Jerry produced a composition notebook, stuffed with post-it notes and worn binding. “I’ve been writing this, in case any other humans find themselves in my situation.” He handed me the book, and I read the title, Jerry’s declassified Equestria survival guide (for wayward humans) . I took a peak inside the first page. It was taken up by one sentence, written as large as possible. 1). Don’t kill Fluttershy’s Chickens.

I whirled around, and delivered a buck to his stomach, he grunted, and fell against the wall. The wall that just so happened to be part of a certain Pokey Pierce’s house. “Listen, you greasy morlock. You’re in for a world of hurt.” 




The Dreamer (Luna)




I found his dreamI galloped after him, the dreamscape behind me crumbling into the blackness of unconsciousness. I followed him through a forest. What was this madness? It was too clear, too coherent to be a true dream, and yet, it was too awful to be anything but a nightmare.  I followed the odd creature through the forest. Was this the dreamer? He was neither walking or running, but seemed to float forward. The dreamscape of the forest was unconstructed; there was nothing visually to indicate it was a forest, but it merely gave the impression of one. but there was a naked, brutal fear harbored within the darkness.
--

For the life of me, I couldn’t conceive of why ponies would treat any creature like that.  But what truly disturbed me was
imagine why someone might fear Twilight Sparkle, unless she knew them to be a villain. I supposed that she somehow knew of Walker’s fight with his brother. But I doubt she would find such a deed worthy of execution, when she had spared me. But what truly disturbed me was how everypony refused to help him. It sickened me to no end to even think that ponies  would let a creature be killed  in perverse sense of justice. For the third row in a night, I entered the human’s dream.
Then the human was in a bed, in one of the many tudor houses of Ponyville. The human hopped out of bed and looked out the window.

The house laid atop a hill, with nearly vertical slopes. There was a nearly a forty foot drop to flat ground, where mobs  of ponies, waiting with torches and pitchforks, waiting in silent anticipation. The human went out onto the slope, to try to explain himself. He tried to explain how he was harmless, how he wanted to fit in. The ponies would hear none of it. They climbed up the slope to grab him, but it was too sheer. So they jumped, and tried to grab him. the human tried scrambling back, and nearly took a tumble into the crowd. He managed to scale the sheer cliff, and climb back into the bedroom. He hid his head under the covers.




The Shut-In(Derpy)




The next day, Lyra came knocking.

Have you seen Jerry? We were supposed to have lunch today.

“Jerry? Oh, he’s out of the house with Lyra.”

She raised an eyebrow quizzically.

“Um, is there a problem?”

I’m Lyra. And I don’t know where Jerry is.

“Oh.” Suddenly the realization dawned on me. “Aw ponyfeathers.”

Derpy, Where is he?
--

I hopped outside, and stumbled upon Jerry humming and hawing, as Oatmeal was yelling at him, having him pressed against a wall. “Waitt!” Just then, I activated my secret cutiemark, and and turned into a gigantic phoenix bird, my fake bubble cutiemark peeled off as I flew toward the two at mach two speed, I could feel the sonic cone forming around me, I tumbled into them with so much velocity and reversed time to right before I made impact, and I screeched to a halt.

“Can you believe It? He just up and galloped after you two! I swear he was by far the worst date I have ever had! The next time you see that stupid repair pony, you tell him he isn't worth the mud I scrape off my hooves.”She let off an irritated groan and marched off, muttering something about the dating pool.

Jerry glanced at me helplessly.

I raised an eyebrow. “What was that all about?” I asked him.

“I guess I'm not the only one on bad terms with Lucky,”he said before donning his hat once more. “Let it be known I've already blown my disguise once before.”



The Signator(Spike)



	 	 	

“Spike, people have tried doing what you are back where i'm from.”

My eyes brightened. “What happened? Did they become full citizens?”

“Yeah, but it was a long fought battle. It took at least a hundred years, and it's still not quite over. I don't want to martyr myself for a cause when I just want to be back home.”

“ You're stil worried about Twilight? She doesn't even have the authority to kick you out! She's just acting as mayor Mare's advisor.”

“Then where does the princess fit into all of this?”

“She's the one that told Twilight to act as an advisor.”

Jerry frowned. “I'm not understanding this whole chain of command.”
“That's not important right now.”




the Patron (Twilight)


	 	 	
I mean, I heard some stories from other ponies, but that was nothing to base a decision off of.
Just let it be known that my lack of crucial information was not due to my lack of research. Far from it. I spent days looking up humans, and I did everything within my power to gather all the facts, and I found nothing of use.
I didn't think that it would be safe to stay there and ask him questions. I was concerned he might be dangerous. This creature ddidn't even know he got into Equestria in the first place. I thought it was some sort of trick from Discord. Now, I'm not so sure.
Well, I actually did speak with the human. It's in my report.
could barely find any information.

Would you like to see my notes? I actually have been writing a report on the human, as well. Well, I didn’t get a chance to interview him. Okay, well that’s not exactly true. I’ll amend that. I did conduct a precursory interview.





The Criminal (Luna)


	 	 	
Remember Luna, calm, but intimidating. don’t use the royal canterlot voice. let your appearance do all the hard talking.
“are you the one they call ‘Jeremiah’?” Inwardly i faced-hoof. of course he was. he was the only known human in equestria for the past 50 years. but i remain composed.
“that’s me.” he was gazing out a window, facing away from me.
“The charges against you are the willful assault of Lyra Heartstrings and Lucky Stars, and the murder of Pokey Pierce.”

“i didn’t hurt lyra,” he said.

“DONT TRY TO DENY YOU’RE CRIMES”

“Can’t.” the human didn’t even look at me. instead he was gazing out the window. i was taken aback.  my intimidation had elicited no response.

“You are  adressing royalty! you shall turn and face me!”
“Is Lyra okay?”
“what?”
“The green Mare?”
“There are more important matters at hand here?”
He turned around to face me. there was fire in his eyes.
“there aren’t. now i’ll ask again. is Lyra okay?”
“don’t you care about your own fate?”
“can you send me home?”
“Not until we know how you got here in the first place.”
“then no.”
“You kill one pony, and almost kill another. and you’re concerned about them?”
“I didn’t hurt Lyra. I was protecting her.”

“... I am unsure. I have heard conflicting stories.”

At this point Flavor Flave entered the scene, swinging his clock necklace like bolos. He hefted them at the clock tower opposite of town hall. It struck the minute hand, turning it backwards by one fifth of a radian (or would it be forward? Radians are measured counterclockwise after all. This created a temporal paradox that is devastating but not relevant to the current narrative.

“No... no...” Jerry moaned and rocked back and forth. He probably should have had a more evocative emotional reaction.

“But... Apple Bloom. Didn't she, didn't she take her somewhere safe?”
--

As soon as the words left my mouth, I found his arms wrapped around my neck in a tight embrace. He kissed my cheek, and I felt the warm brine of his tears run down my coat. “all this time, I thought god was turning a deaf ear to the prayer of a lost sinner, that he left me here to be killed, but you heard my prayers, you saw my suffering. You heard the calls of the wayward sheep. Thank you.”
--
my first real duty as royalty, in some time. for a whole two years, i have gone only doing ceremonial duties. attending to nobles, hosting celebrations, and raising the moon.
now there was a crisis, and on my watch. Twilight Sparkle had sent word to Tia, who said that i’m the one to deal with the human.

truthfully i was apprehensive about the whole affair. even though i had studied all the laws, and was up to date, but no case was ever like this.

nevertheless, the law was clear in that the willful murder of another pony was punishable by death.

Of course somepony had to go and get himself murdered on the one day I visit. I let out a sigh. And for once, the visit was going well. I scared a few foals by the statue, then had dinner with the town mayor, and I was judging the costume contest, and then it all came crashing down. Somepony screamed bloody murder, and of course. 



--
epilogue:




The Great and Powerful Trixie was having a very, very bad day. The annoying click clack, click-clack of her cart became slightly more problematic as the left wheel broke free of the axel. The cart thwumped to its side, jerking the harness, and in turn, Trixie, down with it. As if dragging a cart through frigid muddy slush  till her hooves were numb wasn't enough. Now she was covered in it. She watched as the wheel rolled a few yards before toppling over in front of her nose.  She  let out a scream of agrravation, as she unbuckled the harness and picked herself up. She briefly entertained the idea of drying herself off with the one blanket actually in the cart, but thought better of it. Who knew when was the next chance she would get to clean her only bedding? 

That was the least of her problems. The axel had snapped in half, leaving jagged splinters where he wheel should have been. She grit her teeth, and continued down the road, leaving the cart behind. Not that there was anything worth stealing.

By the time the nearest trading outpost came into view, her teeth were chattering, half out of cold, and half out of agitation. She had been able to keep herself occupied by preparing all sorts of colorful insults for the next weatherpony who had the misfortune of crossing her path.

She burst into the little store defiantly. A wave of heat coming from the wood stove in the back eased her only slightly. To her frustration, the cashier did not notice her entrance. Instead, he was gesturing to the front page of the newspaper, engaged in a conversation with another stallion in front of the counter. 

“Spades, this is probably is by far the most bizarre thing. It's like its straight out of one of Flannel Fleece's comic books,” the cashier said. 

The stallion named spade rubbed the whiskers on his chin thoughtfully. He was older than most, with a vivacious, yet wisened look. “sure is, but if you ask me, this was a long time coming. You can't keep all of these mules on the margin of society--”

The two were cut off by Trixie stamping her hoof so loud, a bulb of fennel rolled off the table, and onto the floor. Once she was certain she had their attention, she haughtily turned her nose upward, and proclaimed, “The Great and Powerful Trixie requests the assistance of a repair pony.”

the cashier exchanged a glance with Spades. “You sure you don't need a towel?”

Trixie narrowed her eyes contemptously. “I need a repairpony, you ignoramus,” she spat out.

The cashier rolled his eyes, but Trixie didn't notice. “Tell you what, the towel's on the house.” Before she could heap any more insults on him, he left to go to the storeroom, muttering curses under his breath. 

She let out a frustrated snarl. “The nerve of someponies.”

Spades had a strong urge to excuse  follow his companion into the store room, and simply wait for this exceptionally rude mare to leave, but something stopped him. She was irate, no doubt, but there was a certain weariness hiding behind the scorn in her eyes. Not the sort of weariness that comes from a day of rough travels and a spill into mud, but the kind that builds up over the years. The kind of weariness that one gets from a heavy heart and not a single sympathetic ear to ease the burden. The kind of weariness that one gets from holding back tears too often. So the wisened farm pony gently asked, “What are you looking to fix? Old Planks might be able to help, for the right coinage.”

“Wagon. The goddamn axle broke, a mile down the road.”

–
“So you're a drifter.”

“I'm an illusionist. My craft requires an audience, and that means lots of travel. So yes, I am a drifter.”

“So eh, how long you've been away from home?”

Truthfully, prior to the ponyville incident, Trixie had been running a circuit between four or so towns that brought her back to her home town towards the end of every month. 
–
“nervous?”

“More than you'd think,” he said. “I've got nowhere to call home, more than a few folk wanting me gone, and no idea where I'm going.”

Trixie smirked. “Such is the life of a vagabond. Its not an easy life, but problems have a hard time following you on the road. Knowing that, you still want to walk this road?” She cas a backwards glance at the man in poncho and backpack and hiking stick. 

He nodded his head, and caught pace with his new companion. “Let's just hope we can outpace our troubles.”

–
Click-clack

click-clack

click-click click-

Without warning, Trixie heard a twhump, and the harness of the cart nearly 
--
It all started with a broken wheel. There I was, just sludging along in the gross, slushy road, when, I hear the snap. I felt myself lifted up in my harness slighty as the whole left side of my cart was now scraping a small trench in the slush. 

“Stupid Wheel,” I muttered to myself. to Ponyville to ask somepony for help? At that, will she even learn anything?

I strutted into the little bar, and walked towards the bar tender with my chin up and my eyelids low. I quickly scanned the interior. Scattered across a half dozen tables were a hooful of earth ponies, a mule or two, and a lone pegasus. Not a horn to be seen. That put me at ease, and I felt my posture relax ever so slightly.

“Howdy miss, can I get you anything to wet your whistle?” The pony asked?

“The Great and Powerful Trixie requests the assistance of a repairpony,”  I proclaimed. “My wagon broke down a 

“Well shucks, I don't know nothing much about repairs. You ought to talk to Bolts down the street.”

“Trixie has already gone there, and the shop is closed for the night. Is there anypony else in this podunk little town that can fix a wagon?” I said, trying to keep my annoyance to minimal level.

His eyes lit up “Hey, why don't you ask some of these folks?”

Before I could object, he was jangling a cow bell hanging from the beam above him. 

“Aw shucks, Mix-A-Lot, is it last call already?”

–
Spades Chuckled. “Well Shucks. I was expecting a bigger wagon. I would have figured you would have just lifted it to the bar with your horn.”

I sputtered. “Trixie's talents are in her magical finesse, not lifting power. Only talentless hacks focus on such mundane applications of magic.”

“All right, don't get your tail in a knot over it,” He said in a fatherly sort of way as he slipped into the harness. “Would you be able to lift up the broken side?”

Walker sighed, and watched the icicles slowly melt from the barn window. He was reclining in the loft, as he did whenever somepony visited Black Horse farms. He still felt uneasy around ponies he didn't know.

Spades, and his daughter Cherry Blossom, they were nice folk. He hadn't met Black Cherry, but that was because he hid in the barn during their Hearth's Warming Eve dinner. He spent his own version of the holiday, Christmas, sending prayers to a god that he couldn't be sure still heard him. Being thrown into a magical realm has a way of shaking one's beliefs, after all.

Walker made an effort to help with whatever chores they had. which wasn't much considering there was little harvesting to do in the dead of winter. Ever since Cheerilee left back for Ponyville, he increasingly felt that he was less of a guest, and more of a free loader. Spades told him there would be a hell of chores to do come Winter Wrap up. But Walker had been hiding on this farm for three months now. Did he want to stay here for another season?

Why not, he asked himself, as he picked up the newspaper Cheerilee had bought before she left. Breaking news: Strange Creature Causes Riot in Ponyville. He had read the article, and the rest of the newspaper at least a dozen times. “Jerimiah the Pariah”, the articled called him. Nothing pleasant waited for him back in Pony society. His best friend was dead, and he was wanted for murder. Walker's only saving grace was that everypony thought he was somehow sent back to his own world. Hell, even in his own world, he still had killed his brother. Twice in exile, he thought with a world weary sigh. He was safest spending the rest of his life on this farm.

Luna thought otherwise. She was gathering evidence to prove his innocence, or so she told him in his dreams. His name would be cleared soon enough, she assured him. The best thing he could do is go out, and try to find what he can do to atone to the universe. But why shouldn't he stay here for the rest of his days, helping Spades farm the land? Wasn't the best way to atone to avoid those that hated you, and be a simple, farming man? His own god was silent on the matter.

But there was another matter plaguing his mind. His sleep, when not visited by Luna, was uneasy and filled with nightmares. Walker woke up in a fright, rubbing his neck, swearing he just felt the tug of a noose. He tried his best to not think about Lyra, about Abe, about his past at all, but an idle mind is the devil's plaything. As much as he tried to keep himself occupied, boredom was his constant companion. He took long walks daily, around the perimeter of the orchard, but it offered him no peace of mind. He was plagued with a thousand what-ifs, and how-comes, wracked with guilt for the blood he spilt.







Twilight looked up from the tome, her mouth agape. “I can't... I can't believe I told Spike that. Did I really say that?”

Celestia turned to Luna with a malicious grin. She never raised her voice when she was truly angered. She had different tactics. “Sister, help me decide a suitable remedy for Twilight's... failures.” She let the last word hang in the air for a moment.

“f-failures?” Twilight squeaked.

Celestia continued in the same calm cool voice she always had. “I was thinking of sending letter home to her parents, asking what they think of everything.” She delighted in the look of horror on Twilight's face. The purple unicorn was almost a mare grown, but still her sense of self worth operated on a foalish grade-school morality. “Or should I send you back to magic kindergarten? I taught you magic, I taught you how to make friends and become a leader. But it seems that I've failed to impress upon you the importance of understanding and empathy. Perhaps Ms. Chillingworth's class could offer a remedial lesson.”

Twilight's knees were buckling together as she struggled to keep composure. There was a tear welling in her eye

“Tia...” Luna said gently. “I know you're upset, but hurting her isn't--”

“What do you think Luna, Letter home, or magic kindergarten? Letter, or kindergarten?” She weighed the two options in her hooves.

The poor unicorn was visibly shaking now, choking back sobs. For a moment, emotion broke through her patient facade, and she looked down on her student with unadulterated scorn. “Pray excuse me.” the alicorn said quietly, and walked briskly out of the room, telekinetically slamming the door so hard the doorknob popped out, rolling to a stop beneath Luna's hooves.

“The letter, Tia!” Luna called. In a puff of magic, the letter appeared and fell onto the table. Finally, in Celestia's absence, Twilight began to cry. Luna, whose anger at Twilight had cooled months ago, felt a pang of sympathy, offered a sympathetic embrace.

“Is this it? Is this the letter that tells me Celestia is disavowing me as her student?”

“Celestia, she is hurt and angered by your actions, but she is not foolish.”

“So she doesn't hate me for causing a race riot?”

“Even now, you've only caused half as many riots as her worst student. Truth be told, you didn't cause this riot so much as fail to stop the situation from escaliting to that point. Go on, read.”

her eyes danced acros the scroll. “I don't understand,” Twilight said.

“You know understand what you should have done, correct?”

Twilight nodded her head.

“We are making sure you are coming from a place of understanding.”




alternate ending:


“There he is girls, use the elements of harmony!” The six mares lined up, and slowly started floating up. 
“Now!” Twilight shouted. An attack rainbow Shot up, and splashed pitifully, a few feet away.  The girls stopped floating abruptly, and hit the ground hard. 

“Shucks,” Aj said. “Ah guess I shouldn't have lied that one time, which somehow completely invalidates the elements of harmony.”

Rarity sighed. “Are you sure it wasn't the overt racism, darling?”

Aj scratched her head. “Ah don't think so. My racism's never been a problem before.”

Jerry gently placed Lyra down, and then, with a misty eye, took out his rosary, and twisted the bottom of the cross. Within moments,  interlocking bits of metal came flying from nowhere, assembling themselves into a giant mech suit  surrounding Jeremiah, by the time the entire transformation sequence was complete, he was wielding a power fist gauntlet, which in turn was holding a saw-toothed katana made out pure encapsulated lightning. The bolt blade flickered and crackled under Jerry's vengenance, which was rather fitting, because the name of the energy sword was VENGANCE. He now stood 15 feet tall. In his other hand, all he had was a wrist mounted rocket launcher with an Acog scope attached to it.  

“Come Spike,” The human boomed with the voice of a god preparing for battle. The baby dragon felt himself transforming too, just as he did when he was afflicted by Dragon's greed. Only this time, it was Dragon Prejudice that fueled his growth.  Spike stood upright, and let out his godzilla roar. He flapped his mighty wings, and breathed a gout of flame, illuminating the night sky. 

“Going to battle without me?” They heard a voice call from behind. The two brave warriors turned to see Celestia with an army of angry ghosts humans behind her. “I finished my diplomatic meeting with the humans on how awesome it is to be not racist. But then I come back to Ponyville, and Luna's all like 'Tia, like, totally check out how racist these ponies are', so I started asking ponies about the human,  and writing a book about it for her.”

“We read it,” shouted one of the soldiers. “They're really racist!”

“So that's why we're going to help you tear this shit up!” Celestia shouted.

“Swag,” Jerry murmured. 

Twilight came running up to her mentor with tears in her eyes. “Princess, I'm so sorry! I was wrong and awful and stupid, and I just love you so much! I'll never mistreat another human again! I'll become anti-racist. I was being so stupid and --”

Twilight's monologue was interrupted by a gold line hoof smacking her face. “Twilight, you're a stupid bitch. Stop being so out of character!” Celestia said, and gave Twilight  an uppercut of JUSTICE.  “Now go back to magical kindergarten.”

“but... but...” 

“Did I fucking stutter? If you're not back in Fitzgerald's class tomorrow, I'll send you off to the glue factory. Do I make myself clear?”

Twilight nodded, holding back her tears. 

Celestia smiled. “Remember Twilight, if you act like a bitch, you gon die like a bitch. Now, time to kill all of your racist friends, because they aren't being paragons of virtue like they are portrayed in an animated series for small children, therefore they are out of character. So basically, all of the main six except for Rarity are going to die.”

“All I did was run away from something that scared the bejeezus out of me,” Fluttershy protested quietly. 

“I was being stubborn and stuck in my beliefs, and I suffered by losing my farm and the respect of the town! I already got punished for my character flaws!” AJ said. 


“Hey, but I only was in this story for like a grand total of five sentences! And I gave him cupcakes! That was totally in character!” Pinkie said.

“I wasn't even in this story!” Rainbow protested.

It didn't matter. Jerry led the charge. His first attack was to curbstomp Lucky so hard, he turned into a hamburger patty, which Jerry then picked up, and ate in front of Ponyville. “Delicious,”  He boomed. Then he took an extra moment to wreck a few buildings, and kill Pokey's family. 

Celestia meanwhile, summoned all five pieces of exodia on the first turn, and obliterated the main six. The army of humans and Spike raised the entire town, and burned it to a crisp. It was then paved over and turned into an art gallery featuring modern art pieces of blank canvases which somehow depicted racism.

Then Jerry  broke the fourth wall to assure the audience that all of the OOC racist ponies  had been killed in the most JUSTICEly and RIGHTEOUS fashion. He also assured that he never had a fight with his brother, and that was just a crazy-ass dream induced by prolonged exposure to pastel racist pnoies.  Then he personally crossed out the tragedy tag, and scribbled in the corner “Kick-ass HIE where everything works out perfectly for the main character.”

But for some reason Jerry still died tragically, because that what the audience expected, so they erected (haha, it's like i'm talking about a penis) a statue in his honor, and renamed the town mansburg. And they got rid of all of the beaurcratic remnants of the prejudice. 

From that moment forward, the only prerequisite for citizenship was that you eat an entire bucket of fried chickens (bonus points if they belong to Fluttershy)  While flipping off a picture of Twilight and here friends. Since this last part was anatomically impossible for ponies, they were ironically denied citizenship and forced to live as a marginalized people among mansburg.