> Headless Not Brainless
>  by MadMaxtheBlack
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> Neighborhood Watch
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        A loud knocking came from my front door. I stretched my neck as I walked to the door. "Hold up, one second!"

    I ran down the steps from my loft and over to the door. I yanked it open and looked outside, "Hello?"

    A blue grey mare was standing proudly on my front step. "Mister Sander?" I nodded. "I'm Lola, Mayoral aid and The Township of Ponyville has need of you."

    "Cool. What's up?"

    The mare gave me a worried look. "We need someone to patrol a footpath at night. It's a common hiking trail so it's not dangerous." The mare looked to the hills, "We just need somepo- somebody, to make sure nopony is doing anything illegal up there."

    I scratched my chin, "Wait...shouldn't the guar--"

    "This isn't really worth worrying the guard over. Just colts and fillies smoking and...having relations." The mare looked pained as she spoke, "Just write up a report whenever you're done."

    I nodded once, "Okay, when do I start?"

    The mare looked at the ground, "Tonight?" She looked behind me into my house, "Are you free tonight?"

    I shrugged, closing my door behind me. "I can go right now...I got nothing else to do." I made sure to lock my door and turned to the mare. "So where's the path?"

    "North road to the falls. Oh- and I'll be sure to tell the mayor about your help." The mare turned to the road, walking off and leaving me alone on my lawn. I looked over to the setting sun and started walking towards the road out of town.

    The blue grey mare started shouting, running over and skidding to a halt before me, "Mr. Sander...good, I forgot to give this to you." She craned her head back and pulled a flashlight from her bags. I took it from her mouth, sticking the large torch into my pocket, "It can get dark out there, just be careful alright?"

    I looked over the hefty flashlight, swinging it and checking the light, "That's bright as hel-- ...Actually hell would be kinda dark...."

    "...I don't get it."

    I looked down at the mare and shrugged, "Dumb joke. So can I keep this thing?"

    The mare started trotting away, "If you want, it was like ten bits...." She disappeared into the dulling sunlight and left me swinging the heavy torch.

    I started slowly walking towards the trail, passing the market, the residential areas and finally the craft buildings at the edge of town. Once free of the limits I found the trail the mare was talking about. I stepped onto the dirt road, several ponies and a few humans hanging about as I walked. Everyone seemed relatively calm, running through their normal days and enjoying the darkening wilderness.

    I kept on, walking deeper into the thickening forest. Little by little the sun left us, blanketing the land in a heavy darkness, quickly burned away by pale moonlight. It was amazing walking through the woods at night, the slight danger of the unknown and the security of my makeshift club was exhilarating.

    I flicked the torch on, shining it down the path and making sure I wasn't about to walk off a cliff or trip. It was rather calm, no noise aside from the usual nightly ambiance. Just a simple quiet night.

    I strolled slowly through the thick brush, sticking to the trail and enjoying my stroll. I slowly began to wonder what exactly anyone would be doing out here. I supposed that maybe some high-schoolers might be out here having a fun time, but aside from that it seems way too out of the way for anything else.

    Out of the brush a soft plodding cut the stillness. I walked backwards, looking for the source of the noise. Nothing, just dead air. I returned to my walk, the trees growing taller and branches spindly and bare. "Well...alright...." I muttered to myself, feeling a bit uneased by the strange looking trees.

    I hurried my pace. The noise grew louder, more coherent. Someone was following me, some, pony, was following me. I tried to keep myself from running, the slow trot growing into a speedy gait. I felt my stomach churn as the noise grew louder, the gait abandoning subtly and turning to a full gallop.

    I stood my ground, wielding my flashlight over my head and looking towards the noise. "Come on! You wanna fight!?"

    A bush rustled, quickly spitting out a pure grey pony. I felt my stomach twist as the headless pony ran at me. I held my ground, swinging the light at the creature and hoping to hit it.

    The pony stopped half way, rearing up and kicking his forelegs like mad. It gave up after a few kicks, going back to charging.

    I stood my ground, leaning forward and getting ready for a hit. "Come on, do something!"

    The pony ran up, a mere foot away, and started kicking the air once again. "Yeah!? That all you got!?"

    The headless stallion stomped the ground, sprinting in a circle around me. I slowly lowered my club as it became apparent nothing was going to happen. The pony just continued to run around me, kicking his legs and bucking the air.

    I adopted a concerned frown and watched him bluster and kick. "...Is this it?"

    The pony stopped, turning to me and rearing up. He kicked his forelegs against me, managing to wipe some dust on my knee and force me back a half step. "Hey, really?"

    The pony went back to his mad display, slowly settling down as it became apparent I wasn't leaving. He slowed his trot, looking me over with his lack of a head. He seemed flustered.

    I shined my torch on him, finding his neck, not so much cut, but just flat. It wasn't scar tissue, nor an open wound. But the top of his severed neck was just flat, covered in his coat and perfectly circular. I watched him settle down, lowering his neck to the dirt. "...That usually works...doesn't it?"

    The pony refused to turn his neck to me. He just stood up and walked behind me, pushing his neck against my back and trying to force me back down the path. "Hey!" I stepped away, turning back to the path onward, "What's up!?"

    The headless pony paced in a circle, stopping to stare at me a few times before giving up and sitting in the middle of the path onward. I walked over, trying to wander past, but finding myself blocked at each advance. "Hey- stop it-- Cut it out!" I couldn't get past him, "This is just childish! What are you anyways!?"

    The pony just stuck his neck into my gut, holding me in place. Things grew awkward as he stood and started pushing me back towards town, "...Dude...just stop." I wiggled free and put my hand on his stub. "Just...stop."

    The pony grew dour, its posture slumping forward under my touch. "...You alright?"

    The headless pony just turned his neck up at me, pseudo looking at me and walking against my side. It pressed itself against me and just stayed there. I just patted his stump, "...You alright?"

    The pony shook his neck left and right, "You want a hug?" I asked, rubbing the back of his neck. The pony just walked closer to me, jamming his neck harder into my gut. "Hug? I'm gonna hug...."

    I wrapped my arm around his neck, quickly readjusting as the pony reared up and grabbed my side. "...There ya go...just...calm down."

    The pony body just squeezed me, rather needy as its hooves roamed my sides. I did my best to console the obviously humiliated pony and just held him. "Dude...it's okay...just chill out--"

    The pony pushed off, shaking his neck like mad. He dug at the dirt, deciding to turn around and flip up his tail, "Oh com-- oh! Oh...I...sorry ‘bout that...."

    The mare lowered her tail, turning around and walking up to me. I just stood there, looking down at the headless stump, "Totally sorry about that...kinda hard to tell without a...a head."

    The mare just rested her neck stub against my groin. "Whoa- he--"

    The mare just pressed her stump into my groin. Either making a move, or more likely not realizing what she was doing. I adjusted her against my stomach and held her neck. "Damn.... Do you--" I stopped myself, almost screwing myself with a verbal flub. "Do you...want to...write about it?"

    The pony just nuzzled my stomach. "...Okay this isn't working. How about two taps for yes, one for no. That work?"

    The pony pushed off, tapping her hoof twice in the dust.

    I clapped my hands together, "Great! And I think I know why they sent me out here." I scratched my chin and turned to the forest. "So...do you...need any help?"

    The mare looked around, tapping her hoof once. She looked back to the woods, tapping her hoof once again.

    I nodded and walked over to her. "...What exactly do you need? Can you like...show me?"

    The mare trotted in a circle, brushing my leg and wedging herself into my gut. She snuggled me with her neck and clung to my side. "...Is this...are you propositioning me?"

    The mare stomped her back legs twice.

    I tried to step back, much to the dismay of the headless. "Hey no! I'm not out--"

    The mare pushed off and started stomping and kicking. She started throwing a full blown tantrum, rolling onto the ground and kicking like a spoiled child.

    I just stepped back, watching with a bit of sadness as she stomped and kicked. "Hey! Calm the hell down!"

    The mare rolled onto her hooves, running over and latching onto my leg. "Jesus! Stop it!"

    The mare just tightened her grip on my leg. I started stumbling back towards home, hoping the mare wouldn't dare leave the woods.

    Little by little I made my way through the dark night with the headless mare wrapped around my leg and refusing to let go. I made my way out of the woods, the moon settling high in the sky and illuminating the town.

    I hurried through the town, not wanting to explain the headless creature attached to my leg. I wasn't about to kick her in a ditch, but this was a bit extreme.

    I found my house and stumbled inside. "God damn it!" I pried the mare off my leg, crawling away as she froze. She shrunk down, backing into a wall and slowly slinking into a corner. "Oh great, you wanna go back outside now!?"

    The mare spotted me, running over and diving between my legs. She refused to leave me, following my steps and nearly tripping me at every opportunity.

    "Just stop! Damn!" I walked to my bedroom, throwing the door open and scooting the mare away. She tried to go back, but I managed to take off my shirt and fling it onto her stump. She locked up, picking up a hoof and leaning her body back.

    She backed away, bumping into my dresser and clawing the shirt away. I ignored her and started changing. I had no idea if she could see, if she could hear, but I didn't care. I'd been tricked, lied to, went on a night hike and now I was gonna go to bed.

    The mare looked around the room, slowly slinking over to my bed and pointing her headless stump at me. She shifted uneasily and sat down.

    I got under the covers and got comfortable. The mare just watched me, sitting on the edge of my bed. I shut off my lamp and laid back, horribly aware of the headless creature watching me.

    I turned to her, looking her over and making a bit of a snap decision. She had no mouth, so the worst she could do is kick me. "Huuh, fine...." I pulled my covers open, holding them for the mare.

    She slowly crawled up, uneasy on the soft mattress. She slowly walked over to me, sneaking her hooves around my side and holding on for dear life. I let out a short huff and let the covers fall. "...This is so stupid...."

    The mare snuggled against me, wrapping her tail around my calf and her back legs around my thigh. "...Look...you try something, you're out. But...you...you can hang out."

    The mare tapped my stomach twice. "Good...." I turned to my side and slid my hands under my head. I felt a bit bad, moving one of my hands to the mare's neck and rubbing it. "...You make me sad.... Stop being sad."

    The mare pulled against my legs and nuzzled my side with her stump. I just rubbed her soft coat and ran my thumb along the edge of her stump. "Needy little thing...." I settled down, feeling like I just rescued an animal.

    Content with my good karma I slowly went to sleep.
> Hunger
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I snapped awake to a loud crash. "What the hell!?" I jumped off the bed, finding the headless gone. "Oh god--" I was cut off by a loud shattering bang. "God damn it!"

I grabbed a pair of shoes and a hoodie, ran down the stairs and looked around the room. My living room was fine, a table bumped, but other than that it was fine. Another loud clatter rang out from my kitchen. I ran over the the archway, swinging myself inside and finding the headless tearing apart my fridge. "Oi! The hell are you doing!?"

The headless froze, turning to me and running over. She pranced about like mad, running in a circle around me. "Okay...I can't help you if you don't tell me what's up!"

The mare stopped, doing a doughnut in front of me. She stopped, grabbing my hand with her hooves. She rolled onto her back, taking my hand along for the ride and forcing me to my knee. "Hey- I--" I stopped dead as she jammed my hand against her stomach.

I felt a rumble, quickly followed by a strange gurgle. "What the-" I leaned my head down, making the mare jump as my ear made contact. "Huuuuuurgghhh"

I jumped upright, looking down at the headless grey mare. "Wait- you're-- But how do you eat!?"

The mare rolled onto her front, and started prancing about. She turned to my cabinets and started tearing them apart. I just watched as she ripped box after box of food out and onto the floor.

"...Looking for food?" I asked, walking over and picking up a box of cereal. "How much?"

The mare tapped her hooves nervously on the floor. She reared up, holding her legs out wide.

"...Helpful." I grabbed a few boxes of pony friendly food and set it on my table. "That good?"

The mare shook her stump hard. She started trotting back to the fridge.

I grew a bit mad and opened up a box. "It's food! Food in boxes!" I held a box of cereal down for her. She walked over and poked her stump against the box. She reared up, kicking her legs and hugging my waist. "...Okay? I don't know what that means."

Headless trotted around behind me, pushing me towards the tableful of food. She trotted around angrily, waiting for me to do something. She stared at me, waiting for me to understand her.

She stopped when it became apparent I was clueless. She reared up, holding her hooves out vertically. "...Tall?"

A single tap.

"...I don't- fuck charades!"

She started trotting in place, a bit sporty in her step. "...Walk- walking...tall.... The trail?"

She stopped and started hastily tapping her hooves. She ran over, pointed at the table, then to the door.

I scratched the back of my neck and found a few bags. "So...what the hell is this gonna solve!?"

Headless just glared at me, eyelessly, headlessly, but it burned all the same. She ran over to the front door as I hoisted a few bags of food over my shoulders. "So...lead the way." I stated, opening the door for her. She slapped my side with her tail and started off through the sunny town. "Wait...-- Oh shit!"

My neighbors froze, staring at the headless as she walked onto the main road. I ran over to her and blocked their view, "Hey Ringer...Tick...have a good day...bye." I muttered towards them, blocking headless and poking her rear with the point of my shoe. "Go...go go go, quickly!"

Headless realized the reasons for my haste, looking high into the sky and freezing in place. She locked up, a crowd of ponies starting to gather around us. "Oh come on...really?" I picked her rigid body up and started sprinting towards the path out of town.

Ponies and humans ran screaming as I carried headless through the town, bolting away and clearing me a path. "Shit shit shit--" I bull rushed a a stallion and his girlfriend, rushing into the trees and hiding in the brush. I waited until things settled down, slowly sneaking further into the brush before settling down and setting down Headless.

She took a moment, shaking violently before getting control of herself. She shook her body, bristling slightly as she shook her legs out. She paced nervously around, quickly reminding us both of her situation with a loud growl of her stomach.

I looked at her with a worried frown. "...So...do you like.... How? Do you like...shove it...up inside?" I asked, extremely confused. "Cause...you could have done that at home...."

Headless looked back at me, ramming her neck into my side. She whipped her tail around angrily and turned towards the woods. "Well excuse me! Little miss pissy!" I threw my hands up and followed her as she walked through the woods. We walked calmly back up the hill, staying off the trail to avoid others.

I scratched my head as I thought back to the mayor's aid. How could anybody find this little thing scary? What's she gonna do, kick you? That's all she's got.

I followed her slowly, making sure to watch my footing as she lead me deeper into the forest. Foliage growing denser, roots crisscrossing and creating a mesh over the ground. We squeezed through a slit in a grove and into a clearing.

"Oi- oi- buck off ya mongrel!" A perky English voice rang out over the rustling, "Dust!? Bucking help, there's a bucking dog!"

Headless ran through a bush, leaving me to plod along behind her. I flinched as a dog ran through the bush, bolting away and yelping. "What the hell?" I walked over to the bush and peeked through.

I watched as Headless started stomping her hoof in a strange pattern. The English voice stopped the thudding of Headless' hooves. "Well then! Get 'em in 'ere!"

Headless turned to me, whipping her tail around. I took that and the voice as reason enough to climb through the bush. I found myself in a small grassy clearing, walled by trees. I walked over to Headless, finding a decapitated pony head on a stone pedestal.

The head looked at me, coat matching headless and eyes bright orange. "Well...you're new ain't ya'."

I slapped the top of my head and pushed Headless aside. "...Dude...what?"

The head turned to Headless, "He ain't the brightest one, is 'e?"

Headless tapped her hoof twice. She walked around behind me, pulling a bag from my grasps and dumping it before the head. I set the other bag down and sat before the severed pony head. "...So...--"

"Oi, genius, ya figured it out yet!?" The head yelled, looking at my with an annoyed look. "Cosmic Dust, head and body. Ya get it?"

I shook my head and looked off to the side, "Not really! How- what are you!?"

The mare looked to her forehead. "A bloody unicorn ya git! Now Dust said ya had some food. Ya got somethin' ta' eat?"

I puffed my cheeks out and grabbed an apple from my bags. "So.... What?"

The head blew her mane out of her face. "Immortality. And let me tell ya' it sucks!" She wiggled back and forth as Headless took a seat next to me. "I'll tell ya later, but since ya hijacked my body and all, ya' wanna pop that red thing right in 'ere?" She popped her mouth open, waiting for the apple. I complied holding the apple for the head and flinching as a crisp snap sang from the apple. A loud chewing ensued, "Oh sweet dandy...that's bloody beautiful!" The head flattened out her ears and let out a gluttonous sigh. "By the mother...I don't know yer' name...but I love ya'."

I took a bite of the untouched side of the apple and threw the core into the bushes. "So, now, what?"

The head looked to Headless, "Ya got a dumb one lass." The head turned to me, flicking her ears. "Well, maybe ya should tell me what the buck ya' are--"

"Human, mammal."

The head rolled her eyes, "Aye, and you're the one who was getting all lovey with ma' body?"

I scratched my head, resting my other hand on Headless' neck. "Yes? How the hell do you--"

"I can feel that. Your thingy on my neck. Gotta say, it feels kinda good, but I'd appreciate you not molesting me." The head looked around. "Ya got a name lad?"

I hugged Headless, making the head shiver slightly. "Jason Sander. So...you have a name I guess- Cosmic Dust?"

The head rolled back and forth, "Kinda. That's my full name. But I'm Cosmic, she's Dust-" she flicked her ears at Headless, "- and we're still a bit hungry."

I found a box full of crackers and popped a few into Cosmic's mouth. She chewed loudly, Dust growing more and more eased as the food apparently hit her stomach. "...Friend...I love ya...." Cosmic stated, smiling cheekily, "Give us a kiss love." She smiled, crumbs and such stuck between her teeth.

"Uh...no thanks." I patted Cosmic, feeling her mane course and sticky to the touch. "Aw gross!"

"Oi!" Cosmic nipped at me, snarling angrily. "The buck was that about!? Gross, sorry! I ain't exactly had a bath in a while!"

I held my hands out defensively. "I didn't mean it like that!"

Cosmic stuck her tongue out at me, then popped her mouth open. I threw another cracker for her and watched as she slammed her mouth down on them. "Bloody...amazing." She cooed, face melting into a dumb smile. "I- oh...."

Dust stood up, pulling away from my side and wandering into the bushes. "Oi...don't look!" Cosmic yelped, drawing my attention, "Ya like watchin' ponies take a piss!?"

"What- oh...god...." I rubbed my head as Dust walked into the bushes. "...So you're...you're peeing right now?"

Cosmic wiggled her ears. "Kinda. We're one person, but she's got a mind of 'er own now. Bloody four hundred years and my body's gone and decided to be independent!"

I slapped my forehead. "...This is so weird.... I--" I stopped myself and stood up. "This is weird enough without being outdoors." I plucked Cosmic off the pedestal and turned towards the path.

Cosmic started screaming obscenities. "Oi, ya git, ya wanker! Put me the buck down ya loony!" She started huffing and puffing as I tucked her under my arm, "I don't like heights!"

I spotted Dust trotting back into the clearing. I pointed to the exit and started talking to Cosmic. "You're like four feet off the ground!"

"What the buck is a bucking feet!?" Cosmic panicked, trying to look around. "Oi!? You listening to me!? Put me the buck dow--"

I stopped her holding her atop my head, "You bucking nutter! You- buck!" She started panicking as I stopped. "Lad, put me down, please lad put me--"

I covered her mouth and waited at the edge of the path. "Quiet you...." I made sure the path was clear, letting Dust catch up and join us. "Alright...we're going to get some running freaking water and clean you the hell off!"

Cosmic licked my hand, trying to push me away with her tongue. I made sure she could breath and slowly made my way down the path. We walked quickly down the path, stopping before we left the treeline.

The town was rather empty, ponies walking around nervously and looking towards the path. "Crap." I lead Dust to the side and uncovered Cosmic's mouth.

"Oi ya bastard! The buck are ya' doin'!?" Cosmic yelled, shaking herself in my arms. "I can't go there! They'll bloody throw me down a damn well!"

I shook her slightly. "Calm the hell down! Why would they--"

"They think I'm a damn monster!" She cut in, pointing her eyes towards Dust. "This dink went and scared a bunch of fillies, now--"

I covered her mouth, "Hey...shut up." I set her down on the dirt, starting to take off my hoodie. "They try to throw you down a well, I'll...do something." I took off my hoodie and pulled Dust over. "Come here...." I wrapped it around her neck, creating a little nest around her throat.

"The buck ya--"

I grabbed Cosmic, sitting her into the strange nest and making sure she was mostly secure. "There! That's...passable."

Cosmic shifted around in the hoodie. "...The buck is this?"

I shrugged, leading the makeshift pony to the road. "Just suffer through." I started off onto the road through town, Cosmic and Dust following me slowly. We made our way through the outskirts without incident.

Dust walked over as we reached the residential area, bringing Cosmic alongside me. "Oi...so...she doesn't like this...."

I tussled Cosmic's messy mane. "Look...this is amazing, but you gotta meet me half way here! I grabbed Dust by the neck and looked Cosmic in the eyes. "Work with me--"

My hand pulled up her neck, pulling Cosmic out and onto the ground. "Oi! Ya prick!"

An ear piercing scream broke the silence, "Oh dear Celestia!!" A mare on the street bolted away, screaming like a maniac as I scrambled to collect the two halves of Cosmic Dust.

"Shit shit shit!" I grabbed Cosmic and tucked her under my arm. "Crap!" I wrapped her in my hoodie and started running. Dust followed close behind, joining me in my full sprint. We managed to hop a low wall and reach my house before anyone else could panic.

I jammed my key into my door and threw it open. I was a step from heading inside when a slightly familiar voice cut my step off. "...Mr. Sander.... Why are ponies saying you--" She stopped dead as I turned around and revealed Cosmic. Dust quickly joining me at my side.

She glared up at me. "Ya prick, the buck ya' thinkin'!?"

The mayor's aid just stared at me. "I...um.... I...need to...consult somepony." She turned away and jabbed to herself as she trotted off, "First that baby dragon...now this.... I need a drink...."

My neighbors slowly flooded my lawn, all of them staring at the angry head in my hands. "Oi...the buck ya' lookin' at ya wanker!?" Cosmic yelled, making a few of the gawkers step back, "Come on then, do somethin'!"

One of my human neighbors walked over, lurching forward and grabbing my shirt, "Dude...the fuck?"

I threw him off and turned to my door. "Don't ask...."

"No!" He turned me around and grabbed me again. "This is...magical."

My pony neighbors looked around nervously. One walking over and looking at Dust. "Headless Horse...this...this is the Headless Horse." she rubbed her head with her hoof, "...It's a lot less scary up close."

I let out a rough cough and started walking Dust and Cosmic back towards my house. I made sure Dust was inside and slammed the door on my neighbor. "Pricks." I walked into my bathroom, Dust following me as Cosmic just grumbled.

"I told ya', I bloody told ya didn't I!?" She bit my thumb, causing me to jump. "I don't age! That don't mean ya can just chuck me' 'ead out a window and I'll be fine!"

I set her down on the floor of my shower. "Look...I'll figure this out when I fully grasp what's going on!" I sat on the edge of my tub and looked at Cosmic. Her grey coat and mane hanging creepily in my tub. "This is just...so weird."

"No, me rollin' off my own neck and making a mare piss 'er self is normal as apple flippin' pie!" Comsic huffed as Dust joined her, trying to pick her up with her forelegs. "Look at this! Ya made 'er sad!"

I looked down at the angry pair of orange eyes glaring at me. "Well sorry! It's better than the woods right!?"

Cosmic just frowned at me. "...Why the heck we in a tub?" I flicked on the tap, showering the two part pony in cold water, "Bollocking buck!"

I ignored her scream, "Because you smell like the inside of a hat." I grabbed a bottle of shampoo and painted stripes on her mane and tail. "Disgusting."

Cosmic just spit out water and tried to yell. "Ass- bo- stop!"

I plucked her head out of the water, her body enjoying it and laying down. I found a towel and plopped the head into my lap. "Oh be quiet...." I ran my fingers through her mane, washing her off as she grumbled.

She started settling down as the room started to fill with steam. "Ya' nut...the heck do ya' think you're doin'?"

I washed off her mane and wrapped her in a towel, face showing. "Washing off a new friend.... A new crippled friend."

Cosmic grumbled as Dust just laid down across the floor of the tub, "We ain't friends, mate."

I cocked an eyebrow and looked at Dust as she rolled onto her back. "Your body seems to disagree."

Cosmic grew a little red and tried to look away, "I like the water...."

I turned her head to meet my eyes. "Look at m-- Wait...you still hungry?"

Her ears perked up. "Ya got more!?"

I stood up and left Dust laying limply in the tub, tail slapping about happily. I carried the damp head back into my kitchen and set her down on the table. "What do you want? I got...some pony food...." I found a few pucks of hay and put them onto a plate.

Cosmic looked around at my kitchen. "The buck is all this!?"

I sat down and held a puck of hay for her. "It's a kitchen...."

Cosmic snapped her greedy maw over the puck and tore it from my hand, grinding it into paste and settling down. "This ain't no kitchen! This is like...weird!"

I scratched my head as I settled in. "It's a kitchen.... How long have you been out there!?"

Cosmic looked off to the side. "What year is it?"

"Two A.L.R.."

Cosmic squinted an eye. "The buck is A.L.R.? I'm talkin' after banishment ya bint!"

I scratched my nose. "Oh...uh- one-thousand and two after banishment."

"Huh, felt like longer." She opened her mouth, prompting me to throw some more hay for her. She ground it down, swallowing and letting out a short burp. "Bout' three-hundred years. Maybe three-fifty, I stopped counting a while ago."

I rubbed my head as I stared at her. "Can I ask you something?"

Cosmic glared at me. "Immortality spell gone wrong. Or right...technically it worked."

I shook my head. "I was gonna ask...how can you eat!?"

"Ah, it's a bond. It goes down my throat, then into Dust's neck." She grew a sad expression, "Poor thing...she's got the mind of a simpleton. Didn't get the brain."

I rubbed my nose. "So wait, you're one person. But she's got a mind?"

Cosmic flicked her ears, "She's like a foal. Knows how to do simple things, but ain't quite there."

"But you feel what she feels?"

She did her best to nod, "Yeah, water's good friend.... Sorry if I was a bit of a ripe bitch earlier."

I felt myself go slightly stunned. "Ripe bitch? What the hell does that even mean!?"

Cosmic flattened out her ears, "I don't know! It means I was rude! Are ya dense, ya don't get that!?"

"Hey! Stop swearing, shut up!"

"Make me!"

I jumped upright running to my fridge and finding a box of chocolates I'd pilfered from party. "Fine then!"

"The buck is--" I shut her up, jamming a square of chocolate into her mouth, "Bucking Tartarus! That's bloody chocolate!"

"Yep, you want some more?"

"Do I want some bloody more, yes I want some more! I haven't had real chocolate in bloody years!"

"Then stop swearing!"

Cosmic froze mid yell. "I'll-- Ach- ...oh ya bugger...." She stared at my angrily, "Well...ya gonna give me another?"

I leaned back in my seat and watched her, "Maybe. I'm gonna go check on your-- Dust." I stood up and left the seething head to grumble. I found Dust still laying across the bottom of the bath, half asleep from the soothing water. "Wake up, time to go." I shut the water off. Dust just laid there, wagging her tail and dripping into the tub.

It was adorable, just a happy nubile body, resting wet in the bottom of my tub. "...Feel good?"

Dust tapped her hoof twice on the wall of the shower. She craned her neck to face me, looking at me before laying back down. I found the biggest towel I owned and wrapped up the happy body, cradling her and carrying her into my guest room. I tucked her in and left her laying happily under the covers.

I walked back down to my kitchen, finding Cosmic trying to roll across the tabletop. "Oi! Ya keep fondling my body!"

I flicked Cosmic's ear and sat down, "Didn't swear yet." I plucked a Lindor from the box and popped it into her mouth.

"Sweet mother..." Cosmic cooed, flatting her ears and adopting a satisfied chewing smile. "Right, scratch what I said, we're friends again."

"Oh joy. Does this mean I can touch you without you freaking out?" I asked, tugging at her ear. "By the way, your body, Dust, is adorable!"

Cosmic froze mid chew, growing a little red a she stealthily chewed the mass of chocolate. "Friend...that's my ass you're talkin' about...."

I cocked an eyebrow, "And?" I snickered slightly as I thought of a funny joke, "You've got an adorable ass! Couldn't guess it from your attitude!"

"Oi! I've been stuck in the bloody great outdoors for most of my bloody unending life!"

"Well you're not now! So chill!"

Cosmic stared at me, going from angry to a bit worried. "...The buck does that mean?" She rolled her cheek against the tabletop, "I can't stay here friend...I mean...ya went and fed me, but I can't stay here! Ya saw those gits! They bloody hate me!"

I shrugged, mumbling a little, "Iduncare" I picked up her head and stood from the table, "I fucking hate my neighbors!"

Cosmic adjusted herself in my arms, "I'm more worried about the bloody law--"

I carried Cosmic up into my upstairs hall. "Don't worry about anybody. If anybody tried to hurt you there would be such a shit storm, the news would have a field day!" I walked over to my bedroom door. "Now you wanna sleep with me or your body?"

Cosmic looked around shakily. "...Can ya scratch my nose?" I did, feeling her muzzle scrunch up as I hit a soft spot. "There! There ya- bend-er--" She let out a pleased sigh as I scratched the top of her muzzle. "...Right...I'll uh.... We can bunk...be like the army again."

"Wait...what? Army?"

Cosmic flicked her ears against my forearms, "Aye, Equestria's army.... What...why ya lookin' at me like that?"

"Equestria doesn't have an army."

Cosmic stared straight ahead, cocking an eyebrow hard, "Ya 'aavin a laugh?"

I shook my head and faced her towards me, "Nope...no army."

She looked like I'd slapped her, "...Jason or sumthin', right?" I nodded, prompting her to look away before continuing, "...I need a hug...."

I looked around nervously, "Uh...how?"

Cosmic's ears flattened out, "Yer' an idiot...."
> Not Normal
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Oi, wake up.Oi...get the buck up." I felt something blow past my sleeping face, "Oi, dumb ass, wake up!"

I grumbled as I took my waking glance around the room. The darkness of the night still stuck to the walls. "What the hell?" I turned to find a pair of bright orange eyes staring at me, "What's up?"

Cosmic flicked her ears, "Dust's gotta go outside, go help!"

I scratched my head and swung my legs off my bed. "What...why?"

Cosmic contorted her face, refusing to make eye contact, "I gotta take a damn piss, lad."

I glared at her, "Then use the damn toilet! Why do you need me!?" I picked up Cosmic, resting my fingers on her flat neck, "Do you need me to wipe too?!"

"The bloody buck you mean wipe!?"

I let out a tired groan as I looked at the clock. Five am. Too early to do anything, and too late to go back to sleep. "Great...well today's gonna be fantastic."

"Oi, don't you start! Bad enough I wake up in the bloody dark too! Usually she just takes care of it!" I felt Cosmic slap her ears against my forearm.

"Alright...what's up with that?" I turned her around to face me as I walked into the hall, finding Dust prancing around. "You keep making your ears freak out."

She did it again, pointing her ears to the side. "It's about all I can control, I got good at it."

"Oi, I said don't start!" She yelped, blowing a sickening waft of her breath over me.

"Christ alive!" I tucked her under my arm and led the two halves to my bathroom. "She- urk-- She know how to use a toilet?"

Dust answered my question, jumping up and taking a seat. Cosmic slapped her ears across my arms once again, "OI, the heck, uurk, mean!?"

I shook my head and pulled my medicine cabinet open. "Means your breath smells like rotten kale. I think I have an extra toothbrush here somewhere."

"You're a weirdie.Ya ain't even a little freak out by this!?"

I found the extra brush and got things ready. "I gave up on being freaked out when I saw one of you fly." I walked to my kitchen, putting Cosmic on the edge and tossing the toothpaste into the basin, "Open up."

Cosmic looked at the brush with distrust, "I don't wanna."

I let out a flustered sigh, "It's freaking toothpaste."

She just glared at me. "Right...so...this weirdo, human, monkey, thing, plucks me out of the woods, doing Star Swirl knows what with my lower half. Now maybe you can understand my apprehension."

I stared at the mare's head. "...Say apprehension again."

Cosmic squinted and looked me over, "You some kinda per--" I cut her off, holding her head down and stuffing the toothbrush into her mouth. She gagged and swore as I forcibly brushed her teeth, "Oi, ya-- Bugger-- Augh!"

"Just- stop biting it!" I pulled her lips up and cleaned her mouth. "Let me help you!"

She slowly calmed down, Dust coming in and watching as I cleaned off Cosmic's rancid mouth. "See...it's not that bad!" She grumbled angrily as I finished up. I found a cup and gave her some water. "There...so much better, right?"

Cosmic just spit, dribbling down her chin, "Wanker...."

I just stared at her, a slightly angry expression plastered against my face, "Why ya gotta say that? Let me help you." I grabbed her head and carried her into my sitting room, "Love me..."

Cosmic grumbled angrily, "The buck you on about!?"

I sat down, putting her head on my lap as Dust wandered around my house, "I've done nothing but help you.... Why do you hate me so much!?"

Cosmic settled into my lap. "Because, ain't a pony alive that would do this for not reason!"

I scratched my head, laying down and setting her on my chest. "But I'm not a pony.... And plus, having a headless sidekick and an adorable filly brained headless mare is fun too."

She just stared me in the eyes, "The buck I'm your sidekick...."

I scratched her ears, making her tighten up to avoid showing any emotion, "Well I can't be your sidekick, ya' ain't got no body!"

Dust popped out of nowhere, nuzzling me with her stump. "Aww...you like this?" I asked, rubbing Cosmic's head a little harder. She let out an involuntary coo, quickly popping her eyes open.

"The buck was that!?"

I let out a short laugh as Dust wedged her neck between my arm and my chest. "It's okay to like things you know." I scratched Dust's neck, keeping my right hand scratching the base of Cosmic's ear. "I. Am. Your. Friend."

Cosmic just stared at me, anger brimming behind her bright orange eyes, "You're a weirdo!"

I grabbed the tip of her ear, "You've got no body! You don't really have the authority to call me weird!"

"That's why you're a weirdo! I don't get it! Are ya-- you been staring at my backside!? Ya some kinda pervert!?" She leaned forward, narrowing her eyes, "What's your game...?"

I shrugged. "I could use the company? And it's pretty neat!" I sat upright, guiding Dust next to me. She laid her neck across my lap and curled up. "Look at this! She loves me!"

"She's an idiot! She's not the brightest--"

"Check yourself!" I stopped her, setting her down in my lap, facing my TV. "She ran up to me, kicking and stomping, what's up with that?"

Cosmic flattened out her ears, "...Ponies always ran. No one ever helped.... So...I figured I'd be safer if everypony stayed away." Her voice slowly turned more and more shattered, "...Then...like it doesn't even matter...you just stroll up and take me away."

I pulled my hands away from her, "Uh...are you...gonna be okay?"

I heard her take a shaky breath. "...I don't bloody know what to do with myself...." She looked down at my knees, "...Why are you the only one who came?"

I felt horribly awkward as she started crying in my lap. "Um...so...breakfast?"

Cosmic took a deep breath, "Aye...."

I picked her up, leaving Dust resting on my couch, "You want some juice...?"

Cosmic sniffled as I held her against my chest, "Apples...."

"Alright. Let's go get some apple juice." I carried her into my kitchen, setting her down on my table and finding a juice box for her.

She refused to look at me as I set it down before her, "...Don't tell anypony.... Soldiers don't cry...."

I sat down on her end of the table and ran my hand over her mane, "...Sure. But for now...just chill out."

Things grew calm as the sound of slurping filled the air. "...You're alright for a monkey...."

I dug my fingers into her mane, "And you're alright for a foulmouthed Angle."

The slurping stopped for a moment, "The buck is a Angle?"

I let out a short sigh. "...Mom was right.... Roman history was a poor minor." I stood up and went to the fridge, grabbing a few leftover bits of chicken and throwing them in the microwave. "...So...no one, no one tried to find you?"

Cosmic just locked her vision on the juice box. "Not right now, just...I don't want to talk about it.... You got more?"

I grabbed another juice box and waited for my food to be done. "Traditional breakfast be damned." I set the juice before her, getting an scrunched muzzle in return, "What now?"

She looked up at me with an angry expression, "The buck ya eatin?!"

"Chicken...."

"Ya eating meat?"

I scratched my head, "Is that an issue?"

She just glared at me, "Ya eat pony?"

"Eugh, no. That sound awful." I tossed a piece of chicken into my mouth, "That would taste terrible."

Cosmic flicked her ears against her head, "Right.... Well...just...gotta watch ya."

I finished up my modest meal just as a loud knocking came from my door. "This might be a little forward, but there's only one way I would eat a mare like you."

Cosmic just cocked her head, "The buck that mean?"

I scoffed and slapped a piece of bread down before her face, "Think about it."

She scanned the bread, eyes darting back and forth. She stopped suddenly, starting to grow a little red. "Oi!"

I left her, heading to the front door as the knocking grew louder. "Hold on! Just wait!" I ran over, flinging the door open and revealing the mayor's aid. "Oh, hi again."

The mare turned to me, nodding slightly, "Yes, indeed. Now...I understand you...found something. We're going to need to confiscate--" She stopped dead as Dust walked over, peeking out the door, "Oh my...."

I scratched my chin, "Confiscate? Do you have a warrant?"

The mare gave me an incredulous look. "Are you going to make this--"

"Look...you're not my boss. If you want I can give that flashlight back, but you're not about to take my friend away!"

Dust nuzzled my thigh at the word, friend.

"Exactly! Now I suggest you leave before I call the guard."

The aid froze, "Call the guard, on me!? You're insane!"

I nodded, petting Dust's stump, "You're disturbing a private residence, at the crack of dawn, for no good reason. That sounds like trespassing to me!"

"Are you--"

"Royal lieutenant Vine Sander, my sister in law. Guard's pegasus Ether, my good friend from Canterlot. Ambling Star, Canterlot noble I tutored." I nodded dutifully, "I might not have much down here in Ponyville, but you do not want to screw with a man who's owed a few favors."

The aid just froze. "...You're bluffing--"

"Am I? I might not have a job right now, but once the damn school's expanded, I'm in." I pushed Dust back inside and slowly closed the door. "Don't cross me...and don't tell me what I have to do." I made sure to lock the door. "Rude...."

I lead Dust back into the living room, putting on the TV and parking her before it. "...Can you...." I snapped my fingers, catching her attention. "...That doesn't make sense....but okay!" She slowly settled in as an early morning cartoon came on.

I left her, checking on Cosmic. "...You're a damn pervert...." She stated, crumbs stuck to her face, "Bloody, eating."

I shrugged and sat down. "You've got a nice flank, what do you want me to say?" I snickered to myself, "Too bad it's not attached to the rest of ya'."

She just made a sour face. "...You're not funny...."

"And you roll your Rs." I stood up and went to my fridge. "Eggs?"

She just hardened her look. "Gonna throw it on some bloody toast or what?"

I frowned as I pulled a few eggs out. "Why can you not just say, sure, eggs would be great! It's always bloody something, bloody eggs...bloody toast...bloody...blood."

Cosmic rolled her eyes, "Can I please have some toast?"

I threw my hands out, "That's all it takes my decapitated friend!"

"Good...ya bloody pillock."
> Stir Crazy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I walked calmly through the town, generally listing towards the local tailor. I was in no sort of hurry, just enjoying the stroll with Dust. Cosmic had pissed and moaned, but I eventually just dumped her on a pillow and took her body outside.

Ponies were severely unnerved as I dragged head headless body through town on my back, Dust proving unable to cope with walking in public. She locked up halfway there and now I had her slung around my neck, two legs on either side of my head. I reached back and pet her neck, "You okay?"

Dust tried to kick free, really not enjoying the stares of ponies. I did my best to hurry along, ponies parting as I walked. They seemed put off, but not panicking outright. Considering their usual reaction to outsiders they were doing extremely well. For all their singing and joy, these ponies could be extremely prejudice at time.

I let my mind wander as I spotted the boutique and steadied my course. Little by little, step by step I walked into the frilly boutique. "Hello da--" The seamstress froze as I set Dust down, "...Oh my...." The white unicorn trotted over, never getting too close. "Welcome...to Carousal...Boutique. How can I help...you?"

I looked down at Dust, hiding behind me. "I need a saddle."

The mare just stared at me, "...I suppose...alright, who is this?"

I let out a small snicker, "Is it not obvious? She's the Headless Horse...."

The seamstress just nodded, humming slightly, "Indeed.... Well, can she--"

I cut her off, pulling a few bits out and setting them on the counter. "Just something simple. Nothing too fancy."

The mare looked at the bits, taking a few coins and stuffing them in the till. "Very well, come along you...strange...pony."

I lead Dust after her. Things calmed down as the ambient music soothed Dust's nerves. The seamstress lead us to a small fitting area, pulling a stock cloth saddle down from a rack and over to us. "Will this do?"

I looked over the soft blue fabric. "Maybe, just make sure it fits snug. I have to do my own modifications anyways...but...you're the tailor--"

"Seamstress, Rarity, and yes I can." The apparent Rarity went to work immediately, shoving aside her apprehension and slipping Dust into a saddle, "There we are...." She tugged at it, checking the fit and making a few quick alterations on the fly. I watched in awe as the saddle fitted tight to Dust's body. "Can you--" Rarity lifted Dust's hooves, carefully putting a pin into the saddle. "Hmm...this might take a bit...."

I scratched my head and looked at my watch. "Well I have someone I need to take care of. Do you think you could do me a favor?"

Rarity cringed at my words, "You want me to...take care...of this...thing?"

I cocked an eyebrow, "She can hear you."

"Oh!" she grew a little red and turned away from Dust, "I would have thought...without ears...."

I shrugged, "You're a unicorn...you have magic--"

"But it's different!"

I just looked at her with a questioning stare, "Is it? You can levitate things at will, she has no head. I can't do either." I crossed my arms and leaned back, "So, can you help me out?"

Rarity let out a short sigh, "What exactly do you want me to do?"

I pulled out a few bit coins, "Just show her the town, then take her to twenty-three Riverside." I held a few bits for her. "I think being with another pony would be good for her."

Dust added her opinion, stomping once and rearing up. "Hey...quiet you." I set the bits down on the nearest table and turned to Rarity, "So...you think you can do it?"

Rarity looked at the small stack of coins I set down and let out a sharp sigh, "...I suppose. Twenty-three Riverside?"

I nodded, turning to the door, "There might be a mare that tries to stop you. She's trying to take her awa--"

"I'm aware...she's been going door to door trying to get help."

"What!?"

"Mmmhmm, Ink Well. She seems to have it out for your...pet?"

I rubbed my head, "That bit-- Wait, pet? She's not my pet...she's.... Are we talking about her, or the whole deal?"

Rarity looked up from behind Dust, "Whole deal?"

I nodded, "She's got a head, it's just not attached."

"Oh my. Well, she seems like a lovely...mare, very well mannered!" Rarity giggled, pulling the saddle tight, "I must say, this is actually rather, cooky."

I shrugged, "You say that now. Anyways, I need to get going."

"Of course, Mister...."

"Oh, Sander."

Rarity nodded gratefully, "Sander, alright. I hope you understand, we're trading favors."

I let out a short chuckle, "Sure. That's how I met my first girlfriend after all."

Rarity laughed softly, speaking in french as she stopped laughing, "Mister Sander, you do flatter so."

"Yes, I have been known to make pretty girls blush."

"Oh you are just a joy." Rarity jeered, working diligently, "I'll be sure to see her home safe. It's the least I can do for you patronage."

I snorted weakly, "Is a thirty bit tip patronage?"

"That's what I'm claiming it as." She stated, shooing me. "Now go on...let me work."

I waved goodbye and stepped outside. It was rather hot out, the summer months taking over completely and leaving the town in a humid heat.

I walked calmly through town, getting a few strange looks from passersby. One braver sort wandered over, "Hey...you're the guy.... Where's the Headless Horse?"

I turned to the stallion, shrugging, "She's busy, why?"

The stallion looked to the side, "I wanted to see it...."

"Well, you're honest. But she's not a sideshow, she's a person."

The pony looked a little bashful, "Oh...I'm so sorry."

"It's cool dude." I waved him off and carried on towards home. Little by little I made my way towards home. I reached it without much delay, finding everything just like I left it.

I wandered inside, looking around. "Cosmic?"

"...No, I'm a bloody ghost...."

I walked into my living room, finding her atop a pillow. "You could pass as one." I looked up to the TV, a crappy soap opera pouring liquid drama from the screen. "How've you been?"

She did her best shrug, "These ponies...they make me sad. Shit like this would never fly under the old Celestia." She looked over to it as I took a seat beside her, "Cheating, herding, marital vows, what a load of bollocks."

I scratched the tip of my nose, "...So I'm gonna have to ask about that later but first, you know this is fake, right?"

Her eyes popped open, "Oh! Well ya never bloody said that!"

I started chuckling, "You thought it was real!?"

"How the buck was I supposed to know!? It's like a damn picture show, and ponies always had to actually do that stuff!" She flicked her ears angrily, "Dumb ass."

I picked her up and held her atop my head, "So is the swearing just a defense mechanism? Cause you do it when you're embarrassed."

Cosmic grumbled angrily, her ears slapping loudly against her head, "I'm not bloody embarrassed!"

I held her in place and felt her cheeks, "You're warm...."

"Piss off!"

I pulled her down from her makeshift hat status and looked her in the eyes, "You're blushing."

She scrunched up her muzzle, "Dirty perverted wanker--"

"Ha!" I caught her, "You're not bloody blushing!" I tweeked her ear and set her down beside me, "You didn't even hesitate to swear at me! Didn't say you weren't, just jumped straight to calling me a wanker!"

"Yeah well--"

"No! You're defensive, and all I want to do is help you!"

She glared at me, "You're just trying to get my bloody guard down, so you can either rape me, or eat me. Maybe bloody both!"

I leaned away in disgust, "Eugh, what the hell is wrong with you!?" I picked her up and shook her once, "Why do you not trust me!?"

"Maybe because you're a nutcase, who kidnapped me, and is now holding me bloody hostage!"

"Then leave!" I stood up and set her down on the couch, "You say the word and I'll put you right back where I found you!"

Things got quiet as she stared me down. We both just glared at each other from a foot away.

Eventually she caved, breaking her stare and settling back down, "I don't want to go back...."

I shook my head, "Alright then!" I looked to my door, "You've said it, let's make it official." I went up to my office, finding a few forms and bringing them to Cosmic, "I'll make you as a resident."

"What the buck does that mean!?"

I shushed her and looked over the options. "I can make you...a dependent...a room mate...a significant other...or...renter."

"What the buck are you on about!?" Cosmic started yapping, "I'm not gonna sign buck!"

I mocked her, "Nee nee nee nee nee, I'm Cosmic, I've got no body but I swear like a drunk, mee mee mee," I sorted out the forms, "Now which is it gonna be, because if you're staying here I have to let the city know."

Cosmic grew a soft pink, "I don't want a house...."

I slapped myself across the forehead, "You can either register or you can go back to the woods. Actually...I have a cheaty idea!" I started marking things down. "I make you and Dust dependents, I get a tax cut!"

"No!" Cosmic yelped, lifting her chin, "I'm not dependent!"

I turned to her with a cock of my head, "You're a decapitated head!"

"Make me something else! Make me a room mate!"

I shook my head, thinking of a small way to flirt, "Tell you what, I'll mark you a dependent, or significant other."

Cosmic glared at me, "So...it's gonna be like that, eh?"

I grew a Cheshire smile, "Oh we're playing that game."

She turned away, "Ya trying ta get at a bodyless mare...ya desperate or something!?"

I shrugged, "I can't help it if I see a nice mare behind all that angry cockney."

She just flattened her ears out defensively, "...You're a dick."

"See! This is why I'm doing this! Because no matter how nice I am, you're fucking mean to me!" A loud knocking came from my front door. "I guess that's her-- Oh wait!" I grabbed Cosmic.

"Oi, the buck!?"

"Play dead!"

"What--"

"Trust me for once! Play dead!" She rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out and adopting a deathly expression. "Perfect!" I hurried over to the front door, throwing it open. Rarity and Dust stood calmly before me.

Rarity smiled, "Mister--"

"Hey check this out!" I thrust the decapitated pony head before her, "Cool right!?"

Rarity let out a harrowing scream, "Bwwwwaaahaa aaaah-- aaaaaaaaaaah," she shrieked, turning around and running like mad.

I let out a silent laugh as my gut twisted up, "Oh shit--" I did my best not to laugh, failing miserably and bellowing to Rarity's girly screams. "Ooooh god, I'm gonna have to apologiz--"

I stopped myself as another's snickering filled the air. It was raspy, a bit of a girly pitch with a smooth finish. "That's bloody--" Cosmic froze as I turned her to face me, "...."

"You laughed."

Cosmic grew flustered as Dust brushed against my thigh and into the house. "Not because of your dumb ass! That bint went sailing! Running off like a looney and screamin' like a filly!"

"Uh huh. So, significant other?"

"Don't bloody start!"

I closed the door and set the two halves down on either side. I picked up where I left off and hovered my hand over the paper, "So, what's it gonna be, honey?"

She furrowed her brow hard, "I ain't never had a mate call me, honey, ain't gonna start now...so you best piss off."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Cosmic turned away, "....Write my full name...."

"Under?"

She grew a little pink and puffed out her cheeks, "Signifimeemee...."

I laughed as I put her on my lap, "What was that?"

She only grew redder, "I'm not a dependent...."

I put my pen to the paper, "Watch...watch me mark it." She just tried to turn completely away. "Significant...other.... Including, but not limited to...spouse, life partner, herdmate, marefriend or girlfriend, coltfriend or boyfriend." I marked it with a flick of my wrist, "Bam!"

Cosmic took a deep breath, "Right...give us a kiss then...make it, official."

I laughed softly, picking her up and lifting her to my cheek, "Aw, how nice! Quick peck on the-- Ow- ow- ow!", I yelped, trying to pull her off. She just bit my cheek as hard as she could, refusing to let go until I finally pried her off. "You ruined it! Such a sweet moment, ruined!" I stood up, leaving her alone with her body, "Ruined!"

"Oi! Bloody facing the wall here! ...Oi...? Hello? ...I don't like this! ...It's too bloody quiet now!"
> Memories
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I locked my front door and headed inside. A soft twinkling caught my attention. I turned into my living room, finding a coffee cup floating above my couch, wrapped in an orange glow. "Whoa...what?"

    The cup dropped as Cosmic let out a sharp gasp, "Oi, oi Jason! Come'ere!"

    I complied walking into the room and finding Cosmic's horn glowing bright. "Oh wow, you got your magic back?"

    Cosmic just smiled brashly, "I've been eatin' normal, I've been sleepin' normal, I'm getting back ta' normal!"

    I sat next to her, petting her mane, "That's great. Well, you're still in two pieces, but baby steps right?"

    Cosmic grew a bit indignant, "Right, don't you have a bloody job to be doing!?"

    I rustled her mane, "It's summer...."

    "And?"

    I pinched her ear, tugging it and sending Cosmic into a tizzy. "I'm a school teacher, kids don't go to school in the summer, you dink." I continued to tease her, stopping as something plastic bopped me over the back of the head. "What the hell!?"

    Cosmic growled as my TV remote bashed my crown, "Let off ya bastard!" She continued to hit me with my remote until I slid away, leaving her on her side of the couch. "I was a bloody sergeant, I ain't about to be treated like some damn foal!"

    I huffed angrily, "Why!? I joke, I try to make you laugh, but you still hate me!"

    "I never asked for your dumb ass jokes! I'm fine, I'm bloody buckin' fine!" Cosmic stated, glaring at me and turning on the TV, "I've got this thing, I've got a new bloody bed, it's bloody great!"

    "Then can you say thanks!?" I asked, standing from my bed, "I've done absolutely everything to make you feel at home, but not once have you said thanks!"

    "Ya don't blood deserve my thanks yet, ya bastard! You're gettin' there, but you're still just a needy git right now!" Cosmic turned to the TV and tuned me out.

    I just stood up and went to find Dust. I wandered down my still bare halls, my old furniture and art sold off from my move. I felt a twinge of regret as I walked towards a soft rustling in my guest room. A soft turn later and I found Dust pacing around her room. She spotted me and ran over.

    She pressed her neck against my thighs, brushing past me over and over. She turned around, bumping her flank against me and flicking her tail. I pushed her off with my knee and took a step back, "Whoa there, what's going on?"

    Dust just continued to try and press herself against me, following me out the door as I tried to back peddle away, "Stop it!"

    I turned away, Dust hugging my waist as I walked into the living room, "Cosmic, your body is freaking out."

    Cosmic turned to me as Dust latched onto my leg. "Don't mind her...me.... I'm in heat, just give her some tea and send her off."

    I cocked my head, "You're in heat? But you're not--"

    Cosmic nodded dismissively, "Aye, I'm not drooling over the nearest stallion? I'm a bloody adult, a fighter, I ain't about ta' let some stupid impulse get ta'  me, ya tosser."

    I pried Dust off and pushed her away with my foot, "Why did you not tell me?"

    Cosmic let out an angry sigh and turned off the TV. "Because it doesn't bloody matter to me!" I glared at her, grabbing dust and giving her a hard slap across the flank. Cosmic's eyes popped open as she let out a sharp squeak, "Bloody prick!"

    "See that! It matters to you- because your body- is trying to molest me!" I said, pushing Dust away time after time, "Seriously, what the hell!?"

    Cosmic just glared at me, "Just give her a tumble or give her some tea--" she stopped and stared ahead, "...Right...I--"

    "Did you forget she has no fucking mouth!?" I asked, starting to get annoyed, "You've got your magic back, make some damn tea!"

    Cosmic grew a bit red, "Oi, I barely see her anymore! Normally she would just sleep next to me all day! It's been a bloody week, ya could give me--"

    I cut her off, grabbing her and taking her into the kitchen, "And you could say thanks, but you don't!" I plopped her down and threw a kettleful of water onto my stove, Dust getting between my legs like an overly affectionate cat. "Can you not control her!?"

    Cosmic let out a sharp whistle, Dust jumped back, freezing in place. "Ya get my flank over here, now!" Cosmic yelled, Dust bolting over in response. Things settled down as Dust sat quietly, "Next time bloody ask!"

    I let out an angry grumble and tended the kettle, "Why!? Why are you always so mean! Every single thing I've done is just me trying to get you to calm down, but you never do!"

    "And here I thought it was because you're a damn lunatic!"

    Things got quiet, "You're rude." I stated, pouring a cup and finding a box of teabags. "We're going to bed after this."

    Cosmic narrowed her eyes, "I'm not tired."

    I dipped the teabag, finishing up and putting the cup before her, "I don't care. I am, and I'm not gonna let you sleep on the couch again!"

    Cosmic drank the tea, face growing less flushed as she did, "I don't bloody care what you want, I'm not tired."

    I waited until Dust stopped her shifting, then grabbed the duo and ushered them into our respective rooms. Cosmic had taken to sleeping with me in case she needed something, and Dust had moved into my guestroom. The boring cream walls that covered the room were slowly growing more cluttered as Dust accumulated things from our days outside.

    I laid her in her bed, leaving her to sort herself out and moving to the bathroom. "Open...." I commanded, finding her toothbrush and going about our new nightly ritual. Cosmic accepted my help, still insisting on insulting me once I finished.

    "Bloody weirdo...obsessed with my mouth...." she spit and grumbled as I cleaned myself. I finished up quickly, taking her to my room and setting her down on her pillow. "Ya know...ya could buy something nice for this bloody place...."

    I let out a defeated grunt, "Look...I had a long day, can you just stop?" I pleaded, undressing and crawling into bed, "I really...I had to sort something out today so can you just ease up?"

    Cosmic cocked an eyebrow, "...Oi...no jokes? No..., you sure you don't want to go under the covers?"

    "Not tonight...I just really need to get to sleep." I nestled against my pillow and slipped away, my mind completely drained from a day of paperwork and walking around a schoolhouse for hours, "Just...not...tonight."

    I descended into the darkness of sleep, my mind flashing with familiar images as I dreamed. I felt my body toss and turn before settling down and fading to black. Memories of back home flooded my mind, violent flashes of red and tan, bright yellows flashed across my mind.

    I slowly realized where I was, spotting familiar faces as I ran across my dream scape. Running, always running, dust and soot falling from the sky as I slammed against a brown stucco wall. I felt my heart race as a trio of faceless men joined me. And then, peering into a doorway, I found a pair of bright orange eyes staring at me, then suddenly going dark.

    I awoke with a snap, my dream cut violently short. "What the fuck?" I caught an orange glow dissipating as I stared eye to eye with Cosmic, "What did you just do?" I asked, my voice hazed over and shaky, but growing more and more violent as I awoke.

    Cosmic’s eyes were locked on me, her expression one of horrid realization. "I didn't know--"

    "What did you do!?" I snapped, starting to rise from my prone position.

    Cosmic flattened out her ears as I turned a light on, "I didn't bloody know!"

    I grabbed her by her mane, "What did you do to me!?"

    She met my glare with an equally angry look, "I bloody saw. You were tossing like a madpony, freakin out and muttering! I learned how to...how to look into--"

    "What did you see?" I asked, shaking her by her mane. My voice low and spiteful, "How much did you see?"

    Cosmic let out a pained huff as I pulled her, "I saw you, and blood, and bloody sand. Uniforms, and metal." She popped her eyes open, staring at me with a harsh, acquisitive gaze, "You were like me weren’t you...you were a bloody damn soldier."

    I made a bitter snarl, the word, soldier, feeling heavy and foreign. I let her go, "I'm not a soldier, not any--"

    Cosmic caught her breath, lowering her voice to an excited whisper, "You bloody were! I bucking saw you, in that weird ass uniform, in the bloody desert. W-why the buck did you never tell me?"

    Her tone was soft, excited, but it felt acquisitive and angry in my exhausted state. "Shut up!" I demanded, sitting upright, "How did you even do that?!"

    Cosmic just glared at me, "Old magic. But you, you were a fighter, you were like me!" her voice full of glee, “You’re infantry...but...I told you I was a soldier, why would you--”

    I rubbed my head and leaned my back against the backboard, "Alright fine, I was. I was like you, I killed people, I served my country. You happy now?"

    Cosmic looked around, "No! That makes it bloody worse! H-how can ya be a soldier, but act like such a bloody fool--"

    I stared at her, stopping her in her tracks. "Four years. I gave up four years to the damn desert, and I'm trying to move on with my life." I picked her up and lifted her eye to eye with me, "You want to know why I make stupid jokes, why I mess with you?"

    Cosmic’s eyes grew fierce once again, "Yes, yes I bloody do!" she shot back loudly.

    My head throbbed from her constant shouting, “Stop, yelling.” I looked out to my alarm, “Three hours...that’s all!?” I let out a small defeated sigh and set her down in my lap, "I joke because it's better than drinking. And it keeps me from hearing their voices...."

    Her breathing grew soft, her idle movement slow and careful. Things grew quiet as Cosmic flicked her ears against my wrists, "Ya hearing ghosts?” she asked, figuratively stepping on eggshells  “....How many?" her usual tone soft and meager.

    I took a deep breath, "Three...."

    Cosmic just nodded, "Aye...I- ...what ya said.... I've met ponies like you. Ponies that lose people, go bloody mental."

    I covered her mouth, "Look, I don't want to talk about it. Just know...each joke I make...each...stupid thing I say.... It helps me forget." I rubbed my face and put my hand on her mane, "When things get quiet...really...really quiet, I think about them."

    "Oi...turn me around." Cosmic commanded, quickly turning around as I held her before me. Her eyes darted around as she stared at me, "You're not joking." She took a heavy swallow, "I know that face...my old captain wore a look like that before he went mad and topped himself."

    I turned away and shook my head, "It's half the reason I'm doing what I'm doing." I set her down and rubbed my eyes, "It was so quiet...no one ever came by. I've been living down here for a month now, no one besides you or that other mare came by." I dug my nails against my scalp. “I needed something, someone. I needed something to fill the gap in this damn place, just knowing there's someone else here...knowing I'm not alone, it helps."

    "But ya don't have ta' act like a bloody loon!" Cosmic stated, staring at me dead on, "Those jokes don't help a damn bloody thing."

    "They help me damn it!" I looked down and shook my head, "They help me.... Every time I laugh, it gets me that much farther from what I did."

    Cosmic's stare was unflinching, "Who else knows about this? About, any of it?"

    I slowly set her down into my lap, "You...."

    Cosmic's voice went from determined and questioning, to soft and sympathetic, "...Never told your leader?"

    I shook my head and laid down, returning Cosmic to her pillow, "I never got a chance." I turned to her, watching as she refused to break her gaze, "Look, talking about it isn't going to help."

    Cosmic finally broke her stare, looking towards the roof, "Fine. But ya need to stop with those bloody jokes, move on.” her voice finally lowered, leaving her words unintentionally condescending,  “And...you're not the only one who lost their friends, and I bloody moved on."

    I closed my eyes, "Did you?"

    "Aye, I bloody did!"

    I took a deep breath, "Then stop yelling."

    Things went dead silent leaving me to fall asleep, my mind slightly eased from the person now resting against my forehead. Cosmic’s voice echoed around the otherwise silent room, "I'm sorry...I didn’t know."

        “I know….” I reached my hand out, cupping the back of her head and interlacing my fingers into her mane, “I would have told you if you’d asked.” I held her against my forehead, gently rubbing the back of her head, “I don’t like being mad, not at anyone. But you...I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”

        Cosmic let out a sigh of concession, her still minty breath running down the bridge of my nose, “Aye…. But...I think...I think I want to be friends now…. I think it’d be nice….”

        “Because it would be nice.” I decided to step into her turf, using her angry tone and accent against her, “But right now...go the fuck ta’ sleep, and don’t go crawlin’ around in my damn ‘ead.”

        A soft rustling drew my attention, “Oi….” Cosmic asserted with a soft chirp, “Ya makin’ fun a me?”

        I laughed gingerly, “No...you generally do that well enough on your own.”

        “...Bloody pillock.”
> Drunk
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

        I walked around town, hanging my groceries off of Dust’s neck as we walked around. I looked down to the headless mare. She was adjusting slowly, but each day she would wander farther and farther from me. “You doing okay, Dust?”

        Dust just bumped against my side, causing my bottles of alcohol to clatter against each other. She nuzzled my leg, nearly tripping me as we walked down the market street. I stumbled into a pony, spotting a familiar purple mane.

        The unicorn backed up and turned to face me, “Excus--” Rarity stopped herself as she spotted me, “Oh...Mister Sander.”

        I coughed once, covering my mouth as Dust walked over and gave Rarity a single hoofed hug. “Rarity...hello.”

        Rarity rubbed Dust’s neck, “Hello dear. Hello...Sander….”

        I laughed nervously, “So…did you get my letter?”

        Rarity nodded, “Yes.”

        I felt a frown crawl over my face, “And you’re...still mad?”

        Rarity just frowned, “I don’t stay mad, Mister Sander. I get even.”

        I let out a short chortle, “W-what?”

        Rarity flicked her tail and turned away, “Oh you’ll see. An eye for an eye, as you humans say.”

        I backed up a little, “Dear god….” I turned to Dust, “Never have I been more intimidated by a four and a half foot mare in my life.” I made a strange defeated noise and walked Dust deep into the open air market.

        Stall after stall filled the square, ponies peddling everything from carrots to apples to blankets. I always enjoyed walking through the market, even with the strange looks I now garnered from the shoppers and pushers. I would always find something I liked, but my budget was rather tight in the summer education dearth.

        I made my way towards the Apple family stall. The usual pair of Apple family ponies replaced by the orange Apple mare and a man in a red cotton flannel. I walked over, scratching my head as I did, “Applejack...hello….”

        Applejack spun around, smiling and walking over, “Jason, ya here for your order?”

        I looked around nervously, “Yeah...hey...people aren’t avoiding you because of me, right?”

        Applejack cocked her head, “Cause your head impaired friend there? Heck naw!” Applejack reassured me with a stomp of her hoof, “Nope, just a slow day is all.”

        I nodded gratefully, “Well that’s good, who’s this?” I pointed to the man unloading the cart.

        Applejack let out a pained sigh, “Long story...been a pain in my flank but he’s a nice kinda guy when he’s not off bein’ stupid.”

        I smiled and nodded, “Sounds like half the people I’ve met.”

        Applejack found my package and kicked it over to me, “Right, well there ya go.”

        I picked up the rather bulky crate and hoisted it onto my shoulder, “Thanks AJ, take care.”

        She let out a country goodbye and left me to walk my way towards home. Our walk was cut brutally short as the mayor’s aide found us on our way out of the market, “Mr. Sander!” she trotted up and smiled wide, “I would just like to let you know, I’ve started a petition in Canterlot to acquire your...friend, for magical studies!”

        I glared at the painfully perky mare, “So...you’re seriously looking to get fired, aren’t you?”

        The mare just scoffed, “A creature as rare as this cannot be wasted! Think of all the magical questions she could answer for us--”

        “See...I’d believe you if you didn’t try and take her from me before.” I adjusted my crateful of supplies, “You don’t give a shit about magic. You just don’t like her….”

        The mare just laughed, “Oh come on...I’m not a complete bitch--”

        “Yeah...you are….” I flipped her off, walking away with Dust in tow. She stuck by my side the whole way through town. Several ponies snickering as I walked past.

        One brave soul walked next to us, “Hey….”

        “Morning….”

        The mare just snickered, “Hey so...is she vocal?” she snickered like an idiot, “I bet she screams like a filly--”

        I stopped and turned to her, “She has a head.”

        The mare looked stunned, “Wha--”

        “And she’s really loud, it’s always fun hearing screams of passion from three rooms over.” I made a few obscene thrusts, “I’m workin’ her over in the bathroom and you just hear, oh Celestia don’t stop, from the bedroom.”

        The mare grew beet red and backed up, “That’s…. Oh my gosh….” She hurried off to her friends, leaving Dust looking me over.

        I just shrugged, “It’s just a joke….”

        Dust flicked her tail, apparently trying to remind me of her achy backside. She wandered past me, bumping me with her flank and walking along towards home.

        I scratched my ear and lurched on, growing a shameful erection as a stiff smell and puffy red mare greeted my every step forward. I did my best to ignore it and just kept moving forward. Stallions joined in the the jeering as my posture worsened. “Damn it body...control yourself.” I mumbled to myself, spotting my home in the distance.

        I hurried on, meeting Dust at the door. I fumbled with the crate, trying to grab my keys. “Come one da--” I nearly dropped the crate, falling to one knee in order to keep from smashing it wide open. “Shit….”

        Dust jammed her hoof against my pocket, brushing my person and forcing my keys against it, “Ow...why?”

        Dust just continued to abuse my pocket, eventually guiding my key out of my pocket and onto the floor. I just let her do whatever she was doing and stood up. She managed to grab the key and open the door without any further trauma, “Oh...good on ya.”


        She pushed the door open, holding it as I walked the crate into the kitchen and set it down. The flour, apples and assorted vegetables sat heavy on my table. “Dust!?” I shouted, ready to unload my food.

        Dust trotted in, holding still and letting me take the bags off of her neck. Alcohol, fresh meat, sweets and an assortment of fresh supplies quickly found their homes. Everything slowly got put away.

        Dust trotted over, bumping me with her flank, “Yo...what’s--” I stopped when I spotted Cosmic sleeping in the saddle basket I had made. “...It’s like...noon.”

        I found my prize of the day, a magically chilled bottle of scotch. I enjoyed the cold tingle and planted the side of the bottle against Cosmic’s stump. She snapped awake in an instant, “Bloody bucking mother of bitch!” she screamed, Dust flailing as I pulled back, “What the buck!?”

        Cosmic continued to freak out as I found a chair, “Bloody, bollocks, bitch!” She calmed down slowly, looking around and cocking an eyebrow, “The buck am I?”

        I rubbed my head as I picked her from Dust’s saddle, “It’s afternoon, you’re in the kitchen, and we’re gonna drink.”

        Cosmic let out a long drawn out groan, “Bloody...cider and breakfast? Bloody bucking Tartarus….”

        I shook my head and set her down on the counter, “More like lunch and scotch.” I found a pair of loaves of bread and threw together a vegetarian and a chicken sandwich. I stuffed the apple and lettuce sandwich into Cosmic’s mouth and carried her to the table. Dust wandered around the house, aimlessly ambling and leaving myself and Cosmic to eat and get hammered.

        I found a pair of shot glasses and poured two ice cold shots. “Alright….” I slid a glass to the dazed mare’s head. “You ready?”

        Cosmic bit through the sandwich, “No...can I have a damn minute ta’ collect myself!?” She took a deep breath, slowly controlling her breath. “You’re...a bloody nob end.”

        I shook my head and clutched my glass. “Look...are you in, or out--”

        “Look, you calm your ass down and let me bucking focus!” Cosmic scoffed, closing her eyes, putting her ears back and taking a deep breath, “Dear Celestia...it’s like guard training. Bloody colts lining up to try and drink me to bed. Never bloody worked before, not gonna work now!” She yanked the glass over with her magic and threw it back, “Mmmh, augh!” She yelped, throwing the glass down.

        I started chuckling as she licked her lips, “Good, right?”

        Cosmic just shook her head, “More...now!”

        I slammed my shot and poured another round. LIttle by little we tossed back shot after shot. The only indication of her drunken state her watery gaze and Dust beginning to stumble around the hallway to the kitchen.

        The taste of good scotch overwhelmed my better senses and spurred me to drain half the bottle in one harsh bout of liver damaging contests with my fiery eyed friend.

        Cosmic grew more and more glassy eyed, her nose turning a bright bold red as her magic started to fizzle. “Oi...stupid...po-pour it in my mouth!” She demanded, her breath reeking of the hard liquor.

        I pushed up off the table, feeling my body slosh around like jelly as I tried to steady myself, “F-fuck….you know...if you can’t magic yourself drunk...you shouldn’t get drunk….”I grabbed her and the bottle, slowly stumbling into the livingroom where Dust was splayed out on the cold wood floor. “Fuck me…how much did we--” I stopped dead as my vision cleared enough to view my clock.

        Cosmic squinted hard, “What the- buck me! It’s bloody dark already!?”

        “Augh fuck….” I tossed Cosmic onto the couch and stood wobbly in the center of the room, “Fucking...fantastic!”

        Cosmic wiggled herself around, turning to me, “Bucking Tartarus...this is just like training.”

        I felt a string of drool gather around my mouth, “Fuck your training! You’re a horse!”

        Cosmic grew angry, “Oi, you’re a bl-blu- bloody monkey! Ya...jackmole!” she yelped, her right eyelid drooping down. “I bloody more the army than you!”

        I felt my old accent start to crop up, “Fucking...pillock! I was- desert towel people, before you were even...different!” I grumbled incoherently, “Fucking...I loved the army!”

        “No...no...I bloody loved the bucking army!”

        I started laughing like an idiot as I remembered one of my friends, “I- heeheeeeheeeeugh- fuckin’ Tom!” I put my hands over my groin, “Fuckin’ idiot...he goes over to one of the trucks the Americans had, he was fuckin haggard...and he just--” I cut myself off, giggling like an idiot.

        Cosmic started snickering, “Ya bloody nonce...ya sound like a bloody filly!”

        “No- n-no--”

        “Yes.”

        “No!”

        “Yes--”

        “Tom….” I stated, bumping into my coffee table and making the clutter jump, “Tom...he fuckin’ he went over...started pissing on some American truck-” I leaned forward, clutching my knees as Cosmic hazily tracked me, “-fuckin...he started just pissing on the tire.”

        I grabbed my tackle and wiggled it around through my jeans, “Just whippin’ it around, like a damned fool. Bloody idiot-- Then- then fuckin Andy comes up behind the idiot...fuckin pair of bolt cutters in his hands.” I spread my legs into a semi crouched pose, Cosmic snickering like a complete fool, “Andy takes the fuckin’ things...and just-” I put my hands together at crotch height, quickly yanking them up in a balled double fist, “-Wham! Fuckin- he fuckin’--” I broke down laughing once again, “He bloody smacked him right in the balls!”

        Cosmic just started laughing harder than I’d ever seen her laugh before, “Right in the bollocks!?” She just kept laughing, her eyes starting to water as Dust heaved on the floor. She just kept snickering as she caught her breath, “I kicked a stallion square in the taint once….”

        “Pppffffpph, why!?”

        “Buck--” she let out a horrid burp, “Bucker was harrassin’ a mare...and she was...she has a nice ass…. So I walk over...I kick em’ in the bloody taint...and had a buckin’ tumble!”

        I slapped myself across the forehead, “Waits...you...wait…. You’re a dike!? ‘Ave I been hittin’ on a bloody dike?”

        “Oi! You- you bucking…. I love the cock! I--”

        I started busting up, “You fucking love the cock!? Oi I fucking bet you do!”

        Cosmic grew redder around the nose, “I don’t- no- just because you’re  monkey dick! Buckin’ monkey dick!”

        “No- you...you love cock--”

        “Yes...but you...buckin…. I wanna see it!” Cosmic’s magic fizzled at the tip of her horn, “Buckin’...I wanna see it….”

        I started sputtering, “You what?”

        Cosmic just stared me in the eyes, “Last cock I saw was buckin’....three centuries ago...so get your bloody great cock out…. I wan’t ta’ fuckin’ see it!”

        I fell to my knees, laying myself across my coffee table, “Ya...what the fuck?!” I just started laughing like a mad man, “Complete loon, ya fuckin’ want my bloody cock?”

        “I...the buck did you say to me?” Cosmic started glaring at me, her right eye half closed, “I...am a mare…. And I...am in heat…. And I...like cock…. And my bloody vagina buckin’ hurts! So bloody find my a stallion, or get it out, ya massive pillock!”

        I closed my eyes and laid across my table, “My bloody vagina…. Heh...hehehheh…. Do ponies fuckin’ menstruate!?”

        “...The buck is menstruate…?”

        I felt like I was dying as I laid across the coffee table, “Dear Christ, you’re like my first bloody girlfriend back in fuckin’ Kent.” I let out a rough sloppy cough, “Damn bint...fuckin’ idiot….”

        Things grew quiet as I felt the scotch slosh around in my stomach. A sweaty smell filled the room, “...Why the fuck do I smell vagina…?”

        Cosmic just grumbled, “Because you’re a bloody pussy...fuckin cock hole…. Fuckin’ get it out...I wanna bloody see it ya fuckin’ baby!” Cosmic continued to badger me. Dust walked over and laid against my back, grinding herself against my leg as I tried to stay awake. The liquor in my stomach was slowly taking me into a warm, slumped over sleep.

        Cosmic’s voice kept me on the edge of consciousness, “What...am I not good enough? Ya’ done with your dirty bloody jokes!? Come on, you want it, I buckin’ got it...just...get your damn cock out...ya prick….”

        “Pony go sleep….” I mumbled hugging my coffee table, “Pony...go bed…. Go bed now pony.” I crawled over the table, laying strung from the table to my couch. I grabbed Cosmic and cradled her against my cheek, her angry half cocked gaze burning into my left eye, “...Pony…. Bed.”

        “No--” I cut her off, clutching her against my chest, “Ya bloody reek like...hmmm.” She let out a pleased moan as she buried her nose against my stomach.

        “Pony...bed….” I ordered sloppily, "Just...gonna sleep this off, take care of...things...later."

        Cosmic started mumbling as I clutched her like a football, “Don’t talk...about my vagina...you pervert….”

        “It’s not...yours, it’s Dust’s.”

        “It’s my vagina!” Cosmic screamed, nuzzling against my chest,  “I want...sex….”

        I took a deep breath as I drifted off, strung over my sitting area, “Buy you a dildo...tomorrow….”

        Cosmic just let out a soft hum, “You’re...a dildo….” Things went deadly still as I felt my foot slip off the edge of my coffee table, "...Dildo...buck me.... Buck...Buck me.... I want...buck...." Her voice petered out into a horribly loud snore.

I envied her ability to sleep through anything, quickly joining her as Dust wrapped her hooves around my leg.
> Decadence
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I rubbed myself down with my free hand, a bitter looking Cosmic gargling with the shower water in my right, and Dust sitting and laying against the wall of the shower. I was clad in a pair of unfortunately stained boxers.

Cosmic spit on my foot, "...Ya bloody pissed yourself...."

I washed my pits and held Cosmic's head in the water, "I know...."

Cosmic just hummed, "Mmmhmm, bloody told ya you couldn't out drink me."

I washed her mane, slapping the shower wall with the longest bits. "It didn't happen when we were drinking...."

Cosmic sighed, enjoying the warm water, "Right...ya don't bloody buck me, that's what ya get, a bloody piss dream."

I opened the shower curtain, setting her on the bathroom counter and stripping once the curtain was closed again. "We're not having sex.... You said Dust has the mind of a filly, and...I can't--"

"Oi...I said she was smart as a filly, she's been standing over ya in your sleep, waitin...watchin...."

I grew uneasy as I turned to the tired body occupying my shower, "...Why?"

"She want's you ta' buck her, buck 'er 'ard." Cosmic stated, exaggerating her accent, "Almost let her the other day."

"Dust, you?!" She shrunk back and tried to meld with the farthest wall of the shower, "Traitor."

"Oi, don't blame her. You're the one who bloody said no."

I shook my head and finished cleaning myself off. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist before getting out, "Look, we're not having sex, so just stop."

"No, fuck off." Cosmic said dryly, using my words instead of her usual, bucking. "Why won't ya fuck me?"

I shook my head and picked Cosmic up, throwing a towel into the shower and onto Dust as I went, "Why are you on about this now?"

Cosmic just glared up at me, "Ya' makin' fun of me?"

"What?"

She tugged the tip of my nose with her magic, "Your voice, ya ain't all clear anymore...is it a bloody joke!?"

I shook my head, "No...I don't let on I'm from England...people get all weird about it. O M G are you British!? Why yes, I'm English. Oh...is that in British? What, I- England is on Britain, yes. Wait, are you Irish!? I love the Irish! Actually I had family die during an IRA bombing.... A what?" I let out a long huff to end my monologue, "And then I always have to leave the bar."

Cosmic just stared at me, "...The buck you on about?"

"Nothing. Just, it's easier to pretend--"

"Buck off. Never would I think to pretend I'm not from bloody Trottingham...but you, ya bloody dandy, fakin' yer' voice!? Piss off with that."

I ignored her and carried her into my bedroom. I covered her with my sheet and got dressed, "What's up your ass today!?"

Cosmic grumbled as I uncovered her head, "It's about what's, not, in my ass. I was bloody throwing myself at ya, but ya just- buck ya!" She glared at me hard, "My buckin' pussy is just baking, ready for a good fat cock, but ya just...ya holdin' out on me!" She looked absolutely livid, "How much do I have ta do!? The bloody first person to come find me is a decent lookin'  stallion, but he's too much of a sloppy filly to please a damn mare!? Buck my ass...."

"Are you really that desperate?" I picked her up and found the saddle I'd build for her to ride in, "Fuck it, we're gonna go solve this."

Cosmic's ears perk up, "Oi...ya' putting out?"

I waited until Dusted wandered in, strapping the saddle to her and sitting Cosmic into the saddle, "Nope."

She looked around, "So the buck we doin'?"

I lead her down the steps from my bedroom and over to my front door. "I've got...twenty bits. We're gonna go buy you a dildo."

Cosmic started grumbling as we started into town, "Bloody first time in public, an' it's for a cheap buckin' pecker!? Bloody shell out more than twenty bits!"

I let out a sharp huff, "...Look...if it'll shut you--"

"Gimme onehundred."

"Oh fuck off!" I stuffed my bits back in my pocket, "You're not getting one--"

"It's not just for a stud, it's for other stuff...." Cosmic stated, rushing past as Dust walked after me, "I'll pay ya back somehow!"

I grumbled angry and stopped in the road, a group of ponies stopping and gawking, "What other stuff?"

She grumbled, "Look...ya gonna bloody give me some money or are ya just gonna be a prick about this!?"

I took a deep breath and pulled out some bits, "You lose this I swear to god--"

"Someone bloody tries I'll stab em with my horn!" Cosmic stated, "Now.... Give us a bloody kiss...."

"What!?"

"Nothing!" Dust turned away, walking into town, "The buck are we goin'?"

I shook my head and lead her through the slightly dull road into town, taking a hard right into an alley and showing her into a small sex shop I knew of. "Look...before you go in. I heard about this place from someone I dated in Canterlot...point is...I, don't go here."

Dust pushed past me, Comic just whinnied as she walked inside, "I don't--" She stopped dead, stuck staring at a row of packaged dildos lining a rack. "....Bloody buck...this is the most decadent thing I've ever bloody seen.... And I love it...."

I looked at the various boxes, "...This place really is sleazy." I looked at a box, "Dragon? How the- diamond dog.... This place is fucking disturbing!"

"Piss off!" Cosmic screamed, "This is...amazing!"

I shook my head and looked at a few more boxes, "...That is the most disturbing looking dick I've ever seen. How do they even know what an Ursa's dick looks like!?"

Cosmic was practically drooling, "Bloody buck.... Is that what yours looks like!?"

I just grumbled angrily and walked to the door, "Look...you do whatever you're gonna do, I'll be outside."

"Aye...." Cosmic levitated down a box, "I'll uh...sort myself out--" She turned to me with a horrid smile, "They bloody cum...ya make em bloody cum...."

"Augh god!" I stepped out the door and hid behind an alcove. The smell of piss and sweat was heavy in the alley. I did my best to ignore it as a beige mare started walking over. 

She walked to the door of the sex shop, stopping dead and turning to me, "...Is she in there?"

I looked the mare over, "You gonna start shit?"

She just stared at me, "Maybe.... It's...it.... Fetish...." She squeaked out, heading into the shop and leaving me alone once again.

I cocked an eyebrow watching with bated breath for the mare to run out screaming. To my surprise a few minutes passed, leaving me standing awkwardly in an alley. After what felt like an hour Cosmic hurried out with three overstuffed bags riding around Dust's neck.

"What the fuck?" I asked, walking over and looking over the boxes, "...How...?"

Cosmic just started laughing loudly, "That bloody mare in there, she gave me like three hundred bits!"

"What!?" I snapped, watching her walk down the alley, "Why!?"

Dust slowed down so I could catch her, "She wants pictures...gave me her address and some stuff."  Cosmic looked back to me, "Camera's still crazy expensive?"

I grumbled angrily as we left the alley, "Three hundred bits...how the bu--" I covered my mouth, "Fuck! Now I'm saying it!"

"Ha, bucker!"

I ran my hand roughly down my face, "Billiards.... Look, can we just go home? Do you really want to be walking around with bags full of--"

Cosmic stopped, turning around, "Look, I need some stuff.... Doin' it for ya' so piss off about it."

"For me!?"

"Aye for ya! Look...we're gonna bloody rock a bed, I don't care what ya say, ya' want it." Dust flicked her tail hard, swishing it around, "Now unless ya gonna drop trow, and rut me in the street right here, piss off and let me shop."

I glared at her, feeling like we'd suddenly switched lives. "...Right, shop on then."

Dust spun around, pushing past a rather large crowd that had gathered around us. A pony wandered over to me, leading against my leg, "Dude...I jerked off to your special somepony...."

I glared at the young stud, "So...you want my boot shoved up your ass!?" I pushed him back and chased him off. Catching up with Dust as the crowd listed after her. "So--" I stopped and looked at the crowd, "Ya'll wanna piss the fuck off!?"

The group took a collective step back as Cosmic started laughing, "Oi...you're not gonna put your cock in me, why so bloody defensive?"

"B-bup- because I don't want ponies lining up at my fucking door!" I snapped back, chasing after her, "...I wanna go home...."

"Then bloody go." Cosmic started snickering, "Look at this...I think I'm fine...."

I looked at the crowd that was following us, fronting on them and keeping them back, "I'm not going anywhere."

Cosmic just started snickering, "Pillock."
> Tease
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I sat in my living room, reading a war story. A tale of men and ponies, fighting arm in arm, inch by inch in a world war one scenario. It was fascinating how violent ponies' thoughts were. For all their love an tolerance, they could really come up with some violent scenes.

"Right...oi," Cosmic's voice drew me from my book. I lowered my book and found her riding upon Dust's back. "Pick me up."

I rolled my eyes, plucking her from her harness and setting her down on the arm of my couch. Dust wandered off, heading down the hall and towards her room. "Okay...what's up?" I asked, closing up my book and looked at her.

She grew a bit flustered, "Nothing yet.... But...I guess before I start, this your last chance. You get your nob out...I promise I'll be gentle. Ya make me wait...boy...you're gonna get rode hard." She smiled deviously, "So...ya gonna get it out?"

I shook my head and picked up my book again, "Man...you know I thought. Maybe, maybe if she didn't ask, I'd set up a date or something. She's nice enough when she's not being fucking crazy...but no, you fuckin plop down next to me and just start spewing crap." I opened up my book, "Why do you never just say nice things to me?"

Cosmic started slowly growing red, "Look...you want me ta' say good things, ya gotta give me a reason. And stickin' your little dangle in my need-y, parts is a good pla-ce, to start." She let out a short, heated huff, "Point is...ya give me a tumble...I promise I'll be your mare.... It's been so damn long...I'm- tired...a' bein' a head.... I want- ta' be- a mare...too."

I looked at her reddened face from beyond my book. "That's the sweetest thing you've said, and that's really sad."

Cosmic let out a breathy grunt, "I'm- a damn- bucking- soldier- I'm not a bucking romantic!" She screamed, ears flopping back and mouth contorting into a tooth grinding grimace. "Buck my ass...it's so bucking thick...."

I set my book down and watched as her mouth popped open, saliva coating her teeth and stringing from her lips, "...Are you--"

She closed her mouth, licking her lips and letting out a submissive moan, "It's been- so long...."

I rubbed my mouth, my body started to grow hard without my permission. "...So you're fucking yourself."

She looked adorable, her usual spiteful look replaced by a submissive assembly. Her ears folded back, mouth popped open in a hurt manner, her eyes closed, moaning gently as Dust abused her body in the other room. "Pony...it's a pony.... It's so...bucking...thick."

I grew unforunatly excited as she lolled her tongue out and rolled her eyes back. "...So you think this--"

"Wait--" she looked pained for a moment before smiling dumbly, "She's switching...." She bit her lip, smiling like a fool before popping her tongue out, "Ahh..so...that's what I'm looking forward to..." she purred, pointing the tips of her ears to the side and give me a dumb smile, closed eyes, and a constant low hum. "I can see- why a mare- would like this."

She let out a choppy husky laugh. "It's...hotter...not as thick--" she clenched up, her eyes popping open ever so slightly. Her face fell to a tired smile, "Buck me...my--" she stopped again, laughing like a fool, "It's all thick and creamy...."

"...You know...it's still masturbation if a dildo cums inside."

Cosmic just laughed gluttonously, "I don't care...and...I've got a hole...right here." She ran her tongue along her maw, "Feel free...to turn this...into sex."

I just glared at her, "Why!? What do I get out of this?!"

Cosmic retained her dumb look, eyes rolling backwards as she apparently rode her human dildo. "Sex...maybe love.... But definitely sex." She stopped her smile, tongue lolling out and eye rolling way back, "Buck- buck--" she let out a shirll scream and promptly bit her tongue, returning to her smile, "Dear Celestia...I'm bloody stuffed..."

"Are you--"

"There's a pony in my ass...a human in my cunt...and cum in my belly...." she just started snickering, "I feel...amazing."

I felt my face heat up, "Why...why are you doing this?"

She started breathing heavily, smile fading to a needy glare, "Because- I like you- and I don't- really know- how else- to explain it." She locked up, shivering hard for a moment before squeaking like a dog toy, "There it goes again.... I bloody missed that feeling."

I grew amazingly flustered, "Alright...so if I do this- if we...hook up, I set down some ground rules."

She just started laughing, "I knew I'd win...I love winning...I--" she had another, eyes unfocusing for a moment, "Bloody buck...I'm getting lightheaded."

"Hey...you listening?"

"Yeah...yeah...I'm...as best I can. Everything's kinda...fuzzy."

I shook my head, "I only got one rule. Be nice to me."

"Ya gonna stuff my mouth if I am?"

I puffed out my cheeks, "...You are just the most romantic being alive."

"Bitch...I have...good sex, and always get the cock I want. I don't need romance. I'm Cosmic bucking Dust." She snapped, falling off the arm of the couch and into my lap, "See! Bloody landed on it!"

I picked her up, holding her mid orgasm face level with my own, "This is creepy...."

Her tongue was hanging out, her body being violently rutted and here I was holding the most expressive part of her body, "Oi...come on...I'm gonna bloody pass out at this rate!"

"Ask nicely."

"You--" Cosmic shuddered once again, "Please...please fuc--"

"Nope...."

She glared at me, her bright red face expressing pure and utter rage, "Please--"

I set her down, "You want to have someone to come back to? Someone to share with, to lay with, ask me. Nicely."

She stopped, "Right...so...I've got two bloody great cocks, spurtin' fake babies into my body, and you want me to be romantic?"

I nodded, "And you're a head. You're in my living room, clean, maybe a little sweaty. You're fine."

Cosmic let out a short huff, "I'm not a bloody lady--"

"You are, and if you want me to put up with you in a relationship, you'll start acting like it."

She stared at me, blinking a few times, "All this ta' get a cock in my mouth? Bloody buck...." she looked me dead in the eyes, having trouble maintaining her glare, "Will you...be my...special- stop looking at me like that!" She tried to look at the floor, quickly corrected by my hand, "Will you...be my special...somepony...?"

I made an indecisive face, "Well...I'm not a pony--"

"Oh fuck you!"

"But I think that's as close as I'm gonna get." I picked her up and started off towards the kitchen. I found a bottle of cheap vodka and pound just enough to get pleasantly plastered, "Oi...right...you want some?"

Cosmic just started laughing as her body apparently returned to the rutting, "Bloody slam some in, and cork me."

I poured a shot, undid my pants, waddle everyone back to the living room and got started. I tossed the cheap shot down her gullet, tossed the glass into the couch cushions and got her into place. I pressed my cock against her nose, standing it straight up as she rested between my thighs, "Ready?"

Cosmic started laughing, sticking her tongue out of her pursed lips and dabbing my cock, "Salty...smelly...aye...I'll be bloody grand."

I rubbed my face and slowly pointed my tip to her, "You're a pervert...."

"And you're not perverted en-- mmmm...." Cosmic shut her eyes, letting out a pleased moan and sucking at my head as I poked it inside. I could feel her laugh, sending a pleasant series of vibrations through my cockhead. I drew a shaky breath as she suckled my tip, trying to reach her tongue down my shaft, tip tickling my flesh and the flat of her tongue coating my head in viscous saliva.

I slowly moved her head forward, letting her take more and more of me into her mouth. I let her go to work, semi impaled on my rod. I could feel a warm puddle of drool settling along my legs as I pulled her deeper and deeper. I made sure not to hurt her, slowly pushing her down. I lost track as I pushed into her throat, my throbbing meat snugly fitted against her twitching muscles.

The extremely sloppy texture was simply amazing. Each moment was punctuated with a soft tongue flicking against my balls and a convulsion from her throat. I was already reaching my peak, trying to hold it back for as long as possible and thrusting my hips. I held her in place, thrusting in and out of her mouth, getting disgustingly arousing moans and gags. I felt horribly perverted, but each dig, each basting of saliva, each drag against her soft tender tongue, pressing against me and sending shockingly hot pulses of pure joy through my pelvis.

Cosmic was accepting it, a single orange eye watching me as I pushed my sweaty rod in and out of her mouth. Her soft lips dragging over the contours of my head. Each vein and curve was accentuated when compared to her greedy suckling and violently thrashing tongue. I played with her ears, the soft texture amazing coupled with the sloppy wet heat on my most sensitive point, and visually pleasing after every flick and twitch.

I stared into her bright orange eye, staring at me, glowing against her dank grey coat. I held on a little longer, pulling out as far as I could before she clenched, holding me with her teeth and keeping my head just inside her lips. "Mmm-mmm." she held me in place, refusing to let go and threatening to bite down on my rod if I tried to pull away.

"I'm gonna- you got--" I locked up, grabbing my own thigh as my leg started to kick spazmatically. My words fizzled in my throat as I tightened up. A flick of Cosmic's tongue against my underside sent me off, "Fuck--" I felt my seed explode from my tip, striping her tongue. The second leaked out around her tongue as she blocked up my hole. My cock ached as it pushed out the salty liquid across her tongue, struggling to get out and gathering in my shaft.

Just as I finished, my final spurts jammed up in my flesh, she sucked hard. Treating me like a salty straw she pulled the few dribbles of cum that remained in me out of my body and into her mouth. I could see her try to smile, refusing to let me go and abusing my overstimulated head.

"Shit-shit-stop-shit!" I yelped, barely able to keep from squirming as my cock was wrapped up in an unending state of wet hot abuse. My leg shot out, slamming into my coffee table with a sickening crunch. My boots clattered to the floor, Cosmic finally letting off and wearing my slightly limp member like an eye patch.

She smiled as she turned her head, letting my cock cover her eyes and lay across the muzzle, "I...." her voice was tired, spent, and reeking of my seed. "I uh...." she took a deep breath, laughing like an idiot, "I'm so bloody spent.... I was gonna make...a joke about glasses.... But these aren't my glasses...."

I let my hands fall to the couch, "That's terrible." I pulled myself away from the half awake head and tucked myself back inside my pants. "Holy shit...so.... That's...a hell of a first date."

"Fuck...dates...." Cosmic stated coldly, "Now...my ass is fucking full of fake sperm.... Toss me...in the bloody shower...I'm gonna take a damn nap."

I waited for the feeling in my legs to return before standing. I tucked the sloppy head under my arm, spotting a huge chunk missing from my coffee table. "Shit." I must have kicked the table mid blow. I abandoned that until tomorrow. A quick trip to the bathroom and I set Cosmic in the sink, turning on the water and letting her enjoy a nice cool down.

I hurried to her room, throwing it open and catching an amazingly pungent smell of sweat, pussy, and pussy sweat. "Holy shit--" while the smell was pleasant in my modestly fucked up state, the room was a mess. Dildos jutting from the floor, creamy fake cum staining the hard wood floor, and Dust laying down the a dildo stuck half in and half out of her pussy.

I started laughing, falling to the floor and sitting on my ass, "This...this is a fucking picture." Dust's glowing red flesh stuffed with a flesh colored human dildo slowly sliding from her. She tried to lift her neck, failing and slamming her neck against the floor. The thud was the final straw, sending the thick dildo from her body and flopping onto the floor. A flood of fake cum spilling from her holes as she slapped her matted tail against the floor.

I scooped her up, making sure to not stain my shirt as I carried her into the bathroom. I set her down in the tub, took the adjustable faucet head off the wall and turned it on. I started spraying down her limp body. "Jesus...it looks like I'm watering a plant...."

Cosmic just started laughing like a fool. "Get in there...it feels good nice and cold...."

I turned to her, keeping the shower head washing off Dust, "You proud of this?"

Cosmic just snickered, "My belly's full of warm goo, my ass is so damn tender, and my pussy has finally had a good rutting for the first damn time in centuries. And...now I've got a repeat source.... I'm, bucking, fantastic."

I just shook my head and kept washing, "Just remember our deal. You gotta be nice to me now."

"Love...I love ya...and you're mine now. Just don't piss me off, argue, or try to hold back, an' we'll be fine." she blew a quick huff, "Oh...and you bucking cheat on me, find another mate, you're gonna loose your bucking balls."

I leaned against the wall, my body growing weak, "Sure...baby."

Things got quiet, Cosmic eventually breaking the silence, "I ain't your baby...I'm your...."

"We doing pet names?" I laughed mockingly, "Shmookums?"

She peeked up from the edge of the sink, "...I'll blood bite ya...."

"Sure think, honey."

Once again things grew quiet, Dust trying to stand but proving unable. She slowly accepted her numb legs and let me clean her off. Cosmic cut the silence once again, "I wanna be miss...."

I snickered, "What, like missy?"

"...Yes...."

I nodded and sprayed down her rear, "Sure thing missy, sure thing."

"Not missy! Miss...." she glared at me, only her eyes visible from the edge of the sink, "Missy's for ladies...I ain't no lady...I'm a ma'am."

"Yes, miss."

"...I like missy better...."

"Yep." I finished with the dousing and sat on the edge of the tub, "Missy sounds better anyways. Cosmic, Missy, Dust."

"Oi...keep it up It's gonna be...Cosmic...Missy...Dust....something else."

I popped my eyes open in surprise, "Uh...slow your roll there.... This is--"

"No! You speed the buck up! It's out there...you say the word...I'll sign whatever...."

I scratched my face, "Well that's sudden--"

"Ya know what was bloody sudden!? My life going from shit to decent! An' maybe it's because of luck, but I like it better when it's you.... Now kiss me...and tell me I'm pretty...."
> The Plan
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I sat in my bedroom, folding laundry. It wasn't a very exciting, or long ordeal, but it was one that needed to get done. Shirt after shirt, pants lining up around me, and a bright white pair of panties sitting atop my socks, "...Cosmic!? Why the fuck do I have your panties in he--" I stopped myself as a few red droplets fell onto the otherwise pristine panties.

Cosmic started shouting as a set of hooves cried out from the stairs, "Oi, what you on about?"

I ignored her and brought my fingers up to my nose, "What the hell?" I asked the air, looking at the blood leaking from my nose. It had been occurring more and more frequently, bad nosebleeds and heart palpitations. They were never enough to send me to a doctor, but the frequency was growing rather troubling.

Dust wandered in, Cosmic riding along in her saddle, "Oi- Oi! Why're ya' bleedin' on my damn panties!? Ya gobshite!"

I picked them up, holding them against my nose, "I don't know--" I stopped, realizing what it looked like, "...I'm not gonna stop...cause I'll bleed like a stuck pig if I take these off, but I realize how--"

Cosmic puffed her cheeks out, "You makin' a point? Gonna finally give me a dip?"

I glared at her, "Yeah, gonna dive face first into your ass. Give you a pony period!" I yelled, staunching the flood of blood from my nose. "Why do you even have these!?"

Cosmic's face tightened up as my blood seeped through the soft cotton, "...Gonna try and act cute for ya...then ya go and bleed all over 'em."

A soft ding from below caught me off guard. "Great...gonna have to answer the door like this...." I balled the the panties, trying to make them look like some normal cloth. With that mostly taken care of I hurried down towards the front door, Dust trailing just behind me with Cosmic grumbling as she was carried along.

I got to the front door, popping it open and revealing an Arab with a clipboard. He looked up at me from behind a pair of smart glasses, "Mr. Sander...?"

I nodded, "Yep...why is there a Hadji on my doorstep?"

The man cocked an eyebrow and shook his head, "How nice. At any rate, I have an important notice from Canterlot, and a small survey. May I come in?"

I looked the man over, "...You mind if I do a fucking pat down first?"

"...Oi...the hell you on about?" Cosmic asked, walking between me, "You, brown thing, inside, you, white thing, follow me." Dust swung her flank into my thigh. After a quick stare down of the Muslim I hurried over to Cosmic. She was livid, "Oi, I might not know you monkey men too well, but that was- are you being--"

I put my hand up, "It's fine! I just...not a huge fan of his kind...but I'm cool, it's all good...mostly." I plucked Cosmic from her saddle, "Dust...go...uh...do something." I pushed her out, pressing the side of my foot against her flank and scooting her away.

"Oi! Don't go pushing my ass around!" Cosmic snapped, sparks fizzling from her horn, "Ya' prick!"

I grumbled as I carried the bowling ball mare, "But there so much of it...and it's so squishy...."

"Then get you're grabbers and take some! Ya' pussy...."

I shook my head as I spotted the Arab sitting in my den, "Never have I had such angry head." I started snickering like an idiot at my joke, "Yo, Jihad, what do you want?"

The man shook his head, rubbing his temples and flicking his pen between his fingers, "I'm from the Mayor's office, Azar Armand," he produced a card and held it for me, "I'm going door to door letting people know that...well...there's no deli--"

I plopped down in a seat, "Look Arab, spit it out. I think you can tell I'm not too fond of you...so let's get this over with...."

The man closed his eyes and took a single deep nod to the side, "A human has been impregnated by a pony, and a pony by a human. I have been sent to gather information and distribute protection to those in active relationships." He pointed his pen to Cosmic as she tried to rid herself of her worried expression, "I have you two marked down as a couple...but...somehow I don't think you'll have quite the same--" the man stopped himself as Dust walked over next to me and hopped onto the couch, "I- ...So...yes, I just have a few questions...."

I let out a long sigh as I looked at the decapitated pony parts laying against my lap, "Oral...about a month now, maybe less, no penetration as of yet--" I was cut off by Cosmic.

"Pussy's too afraid of my vagina...."

Azar looked unamused as he darted his eyes between us, "...You two...go lovely together...." He stood up, writing some things down, "I have condoms if you wish, and if anything important arises information will be posted at city hall. Thank you for your, belligerent, cooperation."

I grumbled angrily, "Hey...so...are they like...is it pony babies or...human--"

"Halfbreeds, we can't confirm much at this point in time." He looked to the door, "A final thing, one of the other aides sent something to you." He pulled a letter out for me, "Now, I have others to survey."

I took the letter and flipped him off, covering my finger with the letter and waving, "Yeah, bye!" I waited until he walked out to drop my hand, "Ya' prick...."

Cosmic smacked me with her ears, "Oi, calm the hell down! You're in a right bloody bunch!"

I grumbled and interlaced my fingers with her mane, "I don't like the sand people...they like to blow us up...."

Cosmic looked back up at me, "...That's...sand people, that's bloody racist isn't it?"

I shook my head, "So...pregnancies...that's...new."

Cosmic frowned and looked away, "Aye.... You're taking it well...."

I grumbled and moved my free hand to Dust's flank, "I'm dating a decapitated head, who might I add, I saw eating herself out.... I've seen some shit, pony pregnancies don't really phase me anymore."

Cosmic grunted, "eh, you weren't gonna do it. Somepony had to."

I patted her head, "Well...I'm just happy to have an excuse to save my salty sailor from that squishy slit."

Cosmic groaned loudly, "Woooow, bucking Tartarus...aren't you bloody clever. Just gonna have to get creative then."

I swallowed hard, taking my hand's off of Dust, "Um...are you still--"

"I own that bloody weasel in your pants...bucker. And I'll have it."

I wished I could throw her head across the room, "Wow...I have- that's a legitimate threat isn't it?"

Cosmic started laughing, "I wonder if I would feel a pregnancy like this...." She grew a wicked smile, "I wouldn't have to deal with it...at all.... Heh...heheh ahaa, ahahahaaa!!" she laughed like a lunatic, "Oh boy...we're gonna make some pretty little things. I wonder if they'll be immortal too...."

I covered my eyes with the letter, "That's...terrifying...." I looked over the letter, ripping it open and looking over the strange blue paper, "...I uh- okay...so today is weird as shit!" I yelped, looking over the rest of the letter, "They found a way to put your head back...."

"What!?" Cosmic yelped, "R-really!? I- are you bucking kidding me!?" she was elated, her usually husky voice now shrill and excited, "Oh dear Celestia, yes!"

"You didn't let me finish.... The found a way, but they don't have it." I held the letter for her, "It's lost, like...really lost."

Cosmic's eyes scrolled the letter as I leaned back into the dull brown sofa, running my  hands through Cosmic's mane, starting to put it into a ponytail. "...I know where that is...." she stated, letting the letter fall from her magic, "And...I'm gonna need some help finding it."

"Adventure?" I asked, finding a tie on my coffee table and putting her mane back, "Where to?"

Cosmic took a deep breath, "North...."

I scratched my head, "What, like the Crystal Empire?"

Cosmic started chuckling, "Farther than that...." She let out a quick sigh and looked to her body, "Is Storm Side, still around?"

"The hell is Storm Side?"

Cosmic blew a warm breath across my knee, "Of course...I uh...I hope ya' like the cold."
> Expedition
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I watched as the aide walked house to house again. "God damn it...." I grumbled, watching the kindly man go to work distributing information to each and every house. "...Stop it...stop not being an asshole...."

A loud clopping signified the Cosmic Dust duo approaching. "Oi...the buck ya doin' in the window?"

I looked back to her, the grey mare trotting over next to me. "...Nothing...Hadji's back...."

Before long Dust's neck was thrust next to me. Cosmic watching from her saddle, "You bein' an asshole again?"

I turned back to the window, watching the Muslim walking off. "...Yes...."

Cosmic's magic pulled my sideburn, "Ya wanna stop?" Her bright orange eyes boring through my head.

I looked away, back out the window the the now clear lawn. "...Yes...but he makes me mad...."

Cosmic grew a bit angry, "Why!?"

I leaned back in my chair, turning it away from the window. "I don't know! I mean, I'm not gonna go out of my way to be an asshole to him, but I just- I just don't like him!" I crossed my arms and stared at my lap. "I'm not racist...."

Cosmic started laughing, "Aye...ya' are...." She unloaded her head into my lap, "Now ya' gonna calm down before the princess shows up, or do I need ta' lock ya' in the closet?"

I scratched my head, moving to pick Cosmic up and hold her eye level. "Princess, wot?" I said, fumbling my words and reverting to an old accent.

Cosmic started snickering, "-Oi...the buck was that?" she asked in an extremely shrill tone, not anywhere near her usual raspy, husky voice. "You wot? Oi, cock'en oop, ya daff basderd!?" she mocked, laughing like an idiot.

I grew a bit perturbed, chucking her onto my bed, "Tosser."

"Oi, ya bucker!" she yelped, flying through the air and landing with a loud phoom on the blankets. "Knock that crap off, ya bastard!"

I stood up, running my hand over Dust's neck on my way to pull my angry mate from the covers. "Serious...what about the princess?"

Cosmic slapped her ears against her head, "I made a few calls with that phone thing, got someone comin' ta' help fund my little trip."

I carried her head atop my shoulder, pinning her cheek to cheek with me. With her stuck against me, warmth bleeding through my cheek, I started off down stairs. "What trip? And what fund?"

Cosmic grumbled from the close contact, "Ta' put my damn head back on! Need money to get ma' flank out there and huntin' that damn cure!"

I scratched my head with my free arm, "Wait...so you think it's real?"

Cosmic started grumbling, "They said it was in my home town, an' I'm doubtful my...colleagues, move the damn thing that cut my head off! Means it'll be there, and if they figured out how to fix it, it's gonna be there too!"

I stepped down the stairs, taking a hard right into my living room and throwing myself against the couch. Dust hurried after me, jumping up and laying across my lap. I pulled Cosmic up and held her on Dust's neck. "You never explained that. How exactly-" I pulled her head up, mock decapitating her, "-did this happen?"

Cosmic's ears slapped against my my fingers. "...Touch my horn to your head...."

I shrugged, pulling her forehead to forehead. "Alright now--"

I was cut off by a bright flash, suddenly finding myself in a brightly lit cabin, beakers, flasks and other scientific equipment littering the warm wood furnishing. "Buck you!" A sharp scream cut my scanning off, making me spin around and spot a group of ponies in fur coats overlooking a guillotine

"Cosmic...this is for magic!" a unicorn stated, poking the unseen pony on the chopping block. "With this...we can create the perfect, undying, soldier!"

I walked over, finding Cosmic, head and body in one piece, strapped to a slab with a few ponies preparing to behead her. A third pegasus walked around to the pull cord of the blade. "You'll be an Equestrian hero!"

Cosmic trashed around like mad, her body bound up in a leather sheet. "Buck your heroes! I'm not--"

A loud metallic woosh cut her off, followed by a sickeningly wet slice. I jumped back as Cosmic's head flopped to the floor, mouth agape, stunned. I felt ill, watching as the other ponies stepped away from the dead head.

"Did it work!?" A pony asked, looking at the unwounded stump. "No blood, did it work!?"

The pegasus walked over, plucking the head from the floor, "Cosmic?"

Cosmic's face grew enraged, "I'll bucking kill you all--"

Everything zoomed backwards, my vision going blank for a moment before rushing forward and showing me eye to eye with a set of clenched eyes, a single tear running from Cosmic's right. I held her back, "...Don't...." Cosmic demanded, "I just...it's gonna be there...."

I stared at her, wiping off her eye with my thumb. "So...this wasn't a volunte--"

"Don't." Cosmic demanded, her face going from hurt to bitter in a flash. "Just help me get my head back on!"

I nodded, "You know I wi--" A loud knocking cut me off. "What the hell...?"

I stood up, walking over to the door with Cosmic in tow. I swung it open, revealing a pair of humans in suits. One took off his glasses and looked me over, "Mr. Sander, Mrs. Dust, the princess has arrived."

Just behind the men stood a bright white alicorn with an iridescent mane. I took a step back, "Cosmic...this is your show." I turned to the smiling princess standing before me. "Ma'am...."

Celestia smiled down at me, "Mr. Sander...may I come in?"

I looked down at Cosmic, "Um, one moment please." I ran backwards, turning back into the living room and stacking a load of pillows onto a chair. I made a quick nest for Cosmic and placed her into it. "So...I'll go and take care of some stuff...leave the talking to you."

Cosmic wiggled her ears, "Oi...what you up to?"

I grabbed Dust, tucking her up against my shoulder and turning to the door, "Nothing...don't worry about it." I left Cosmic laying in the living room, hurrying to the door and throwing it open. "Celestia...she's in the second door on your left, please...enjoy your stay in my absurd home."

"Oh I'm--" Celestia stopped herself as she stepped inside, "It smells like vanilla in here...."

I rubbed my head, "Um, sure, vanilla...anyways, I've got some stuff to take care of, I'll wait for Cosmic to fill me in."

Celestia nodded, "She's the head, correct?"

"Yes ma'am. The surly English head." I spun around, hurrying up the steps with Dust cradled around my left arm, she held on tight, bouncing as I charged up the stairs and towards my bedroom. I set Dust down and locked the door behind me.

We stood apart, staring at each other, one of us doing so without eyes. I scratched the back of my head, shifting around, "So...Dust...we don't...hang out much."

Dust scratched at the floor with her hoof, turning her neck to the side.

"So...you wanna...." I walked over to the bed and sat down, "Come here."

Dust wandered around, slowly inching closer and closer towards me. She was reluctant, but after a lot of stalling she was within grabbing range. I reached out, grabbing her forelegs and pulling her onto the bed. "Come here! Little--" She tried to kick free, panicking as I sat upright and laid Dust on her back, holding her back hooves together and up, perpendicular to the bed. "Tickle the fuck out of you!"

Dust tried to kick free, bucking her back legs fruitlessly as I held them together, her forelegs thrust outward, trying to gain traction on the blankets tossed around my bed. "Oh no ya' dont!" I split her legs, holding one hoof in each hand and watching her neck snap back to me. "...You're goin' nowhere...."

I jammed my thumbs into her under hooves, moving them up and down the split between the muscles in her hooves. She tried to kick free, wiggling around like mad. I could hear a distant giggle from below. "I knew this would work." I laughed, rubbing Dust's hooves and causing Cosmic to let out a muffled laugh from downstairs.

I let her hooves go, moving down to her belly and prickling my fingers along her sides. I kept her pinned, running my thumbs up and down her tender belly and causing her to toss and turn, legs flailing and kicking me lightly while I worked her body like putty.

I could hear muffled screams and laughs coming from below, followed by a loud thud. I let off, turning my head and staring at the floor while Dust settled into the bed.

"Knock it off!" Cosmic screamed, echoing through the floor.

"Knock it off, me me me, I'm Cosmic, I sound like a scoucer and never have any fun, boo whoo whoo, bugger me' ass cause I ain't attached at the' neck." I mocked, sliding Dust back on the bed and adjusting my position, "Never put up with a Manchester lad, fuck you an' all that shit!" I grumbled, moving my hands to Dust's flanks. "Alright then, Dust...hold on."

I lowered my mouth to Dust's body, kissing just above her sex and spreading her with my thumbs. I was greeted by the warm smell particular to her. It was sweaty, hot, and extremely thick. It was like a locker room at a college gym, spent joggers and sport bunnies coming to mind as I grabbed handfuls of warm soft flesh, letting my fingers dig into her coat.

I moved my mouth down, taking one quick lick from the bottom to the top. Dust's legs snapped around my head, holding me in place while I licked her clit, tenderly sucking at it and digging my thumbs against her plump lips, a warmth radiating into my fingers and chin from her body.

I felt a pair of hooves press against the top of my head while her back legs wrapped around my neck and pressed against my collarbone. Dust was loving it. And given the green light by the important part, I went to work suckling and licking at her button. She pressed her hooves into my head, forcing me down and against her twitching body.

I pulled back slightly, Dust's hooves trying desperately to pull me back into place, but I had other things to do. I moved down, sticking out my tongue and thrusting it against her entrance. I was greeted by a warm sticky fluid, no particularly heavy taste, but the texture made my dip into her pussy wonderful. The warm wet muscle tensed up as I pushed inside. The depth wasn't much, but it was enough to send her over the edge, sending Dust's legs rattling around my head.

The pair of hooves on the back of my head kept readjusting themselves, trying to get the best grip for forcing me face first into pony pie. I gladly complied, taking hearty digs and pressing my tongue against her sugar walls and causing Dust to twitch and kick. I was pressing just the right buttons, sending the tender body of the hard ass mare into an absolute tizzy.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the constant shuffling and the sounds of Dust's pussy being devoured. I was wonderful, squishy, and warm, the perfect home for my tongue. I couldn't go deep, but the extra dexterity and my fingers pulling at her and teasing her button more than made up for it.

Dust was lost, tightening up constantly and working her muscles hard. I just kept thrusting my face forward, dipping my tongue against the tighter entrance of her body and licking at her lips. I pulled back a little, opening my mouth wide and enveloping her entire pussy, plump fleshy lips, winking button and leaking hole in all.

I sucked at the warm body, feeling Dust's legs fly off my head and tremble a they went bolt stiff, spreading wide as they twitched. It was instantaneous, her legs went limp, her forelegs lifting off my head and folding against her chest.

I pulled back, wiping off my mouth with my sleeve and sitting upright. "Well...that was fun.... And I probably just ruined her reputation with royalty.... Flawless victor--"

"Fucker!" Cosmic's voice boomed, my door flying open and Cosmic flying towards me like a bowling ball thrown by a pitching machine.

"Oh shi--" I was cut off as the blunt tip of Cosmic's horn slammed into my gut, knocking me back into the bed with Cosmic tucked against my stomach.

"Ya bastard! I'm talkin' with a damn princess and ya go--"

A royal tone cut her off, "It's fine...." Celestia stated, wandering into the room, "It's a good demonstration of your...connection." I looked up at her, barely able to lift my head up off the bed. She was blushing slightly, fanning herself with her wing. "And I am sorry, but she was very insistent about me, and these are her words, throw me at that bucker as hard as you can,"

"Damn bloody right!" Cosmic yelled, glaring at me, "Ya prick!"

Celestia let out a rough cough, "At any rate...your home will be cared for, your departure is set for two days, and we're having maps readied for your trip." She turned to the door out, "Good luck and...try not to enjoy your magical position too much."

The door clicked shut, leaving me with an angry looking head glaring at me. "...I screamed at a princess...." Cosmic stated, hardening her glare. "Yer' an ass--"

I picked her head up, "Yep." I slowly pulled her mouth towards my own.

"Oi no!" She turned her chin away, "I don't want ta--"

"It's your juice!" I yelled, fighting with her to force her head straight. "Do it!"

"Fuck off!" I heard a familiar twinkle followed by something heavy bashing my crown. I tossed Cosmic into a pillowed and covered my head, "Aye ya bastard! How ya like it?!"

I looked at Cosmic's rear sitting next to me, "Oh yeah!?" I pulled her flank over, "Sorry Dust...." I spread her legs, jamming my dry thumb right up her rear.

A pained yelp filled the air as Dust jerked. "Fucker!"

"Well, don't hit me next time!" I pulled my thumb out and rolled off the bed, "Jelly legged, pony, pissy- ...pap!"

Cosmic kept throwing things at me with her magic as I retreated. It was fair enough, if I was going to go on an adventure, I was going to have to, first brush my teeth, and second pick up some supplies.
> Train
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I held onto the guardrail of the train's seating, Dust strapped into the seat and Cosmic rolling around on the floor, "Bloody- bitch- shite- ow!" she rolled from one side of the isle to the other, ears slapping against the floor as she went. "Not the wa--" a loud thud followed her voice, "The fuck- damn- shit- ow- crap- why!?" she mumbled as the train took a sharp turn down the old snow covered tracks to Storm Side.

Celestia had seen us off, having found an old rail line into the town. Unfortunately, the line was buried under about two hundred years of snow and ice, so plowing through it was going to take time. But with the freeze, came preservation. For all the problems the cold caused, it also meant that the tracks were perfectly preserved.

I took a deep breath and the train slammed to a halt, the speakers chattering as I flopped to the floor and slid into a wall, Cosmic joining me seconds later, "Um...alright everypony, we've hit the ice. We're gonna start forcing through, so settle in and get comfy, it's gonna take a while." As the voice finished the train lurched forward, grinding through the ice at a snails pace.

I looked at Cosmic as she laid curled up against my chest, my body and her, head, thrown against forward wall of the train, only Dust was spared the tumbling. "Fuckin' 'ell, bloody bashed my damn mouth on a chair leg!" Cosmic yelped, letting me pick her up without argument and lift us both off the floor.

I stumbled over to a chair and plopped down, my own body haggard from the tumble, "Yeah, right there with ya'," a familiar wetness started to drip from my nose, "and I'm bleeding again. Great."

Cosmic flicked her ears back, "Don't bleed on me damn it!"

I plugged my nose with my wrist, "Oh, how compassionate."

Cosmic mumbled a mocking accent, "All nasally--"

"Aaaaaall nasally," I met her jeer with one of my own, "Ooop, op op op op op!"

Cosmic scrunched up her muzzle, "I can't do that...cause I can't cover my nose...."

I rubbed her scalp, scratching slightly, "It's fine, stopped bleeding, just like always."

Cosmic looked a bit uneasy, obviously enjoying the head scratch, but something was eating away at her, "Oi...I knew someponies like you...it's- the bleeding I mean. It uh...rift sickness was what it was called."

I rubbed my mouth, "that's not ominous or anything. Rift sickness, sounds like something from a cheap sci fi show." I went back to scratching, "...This is actually really gross, like I'm getting scalp scrap under my nails, but it's so satisf--" I was cut off as I reached the back of her skull.

"Oh Celestia, buck- fuck- right there!" Cosmic yelped, Dust wiggling in her seat and kicking her legs out, "You st-stop and I'll--"

"You'll what?" I asked, sliding my nails against her skin, "Missy, you're mine right now."

Cosmic went into a constant low groan, shaking herself back and forth using the stump of a neck she had, "Buu-u-u-uck...I love you...I wa-wa-aaaah." she lost focus, closing her eyes and letting me work her scalp under my nails, "D-don't call me, Missy, right- no-aaaaah."

She popped her mouth open, drooling slightly as I found a spot on the top of her head, just left of her right ear, "There it is...there we are." I stood, carefully traversing the moving train and heading towards the front car. I could feel drool starting to roll down my fingers as I rubbed her chin with my thumb. I had to be sure to hold on to the train in some form or fashion, lest I bash my head or god forbid, chuck my own heady mare out of the train.

I found a place to look outside, getting a wonderful view of nothing that was the frozen north. "Hey Cosmic...so...when we reach this place, what are we looking for?"

Cosmic let out a ripping snort, "Snnuck- huh!? What happened?" she looked around like I'd done something to her, "Where am I?"

I started laughing like an idiot, "Jesus Christ- that fuckin' snort, like a chainsaw!" I slid down the wall of the train, cradling Cosmic and trying to clear my eyes, "I'm crying- fuck me-- fuck me!" I yelped, feeling Cosmic sink her dull teeth into my thumb.

She let off quickly, "Aye, how's that fer' funny!?"

"Ya know what-" I adjusted my posture, letting my legs sit splayed out on the floor. I held Cosmic by the sides of her head, neck facing my groin, and I humped. "Yeaaaaah, yeaaaaaah, come on, take it neck stump, take it!" I gave slow, over exaggerated thrusts, "Oh neck, that feels so good, ooooh, yeaaaaah."

Cosmic was completely silent, staring forward at the wall and showing me just the slightest hint of anger as I looked down at her. I held her like a codpiece and kept thrusting, "What's wrong? You're so fascinated with my cock, now you're living it, you are the dick!"

I scrambled to my feet, pressing my back against a wall and bracing myself. I kept thrusting, pumping the air with Dust in place of my cock. "Uuuuh, uuuh, come on Cosmic, uuuuuuuuh."

"Smells like ripe cock down here, ya daft cheeky bastard! Ya think I ain't enjoyin--"

"Uuuuuuh, uh uh hu-" I gave a few finishing thrusts, holding my hips out into the hall, "-just ruining a mare, just stuffing her full!"

I picked Cosmic back up and looked at her face to face, "...Ya think you're funny?" she asked, scrunching up her muzzle, "I mean...I'm a fan of cock, I've taken down a fair share of studs...but that was just...you're a jerk."

I started laughing, "You think that's bad? I thought you said you were in the army. Shit like that is piss compared to some of the shit we did...." I turned to the window, "Man...the army was so gay...like...really, really gay." I looked around the end of the train car, "Homo-eroticism abound in those barracks...."

Cosmic just snuffed, "Great...now I'm bloody wet. Ya daft prick...ya stink like stallion."

I cocked an eyebrow and turned her around, sniffing her neck. "Eugh...that is kinda--"

"Bloody am--"

"Gross," I cut her off, "do you know if there's a shower on this train?"

Cosmic shook her head, "Nope...probably not."

I cocked my head as I walked back towards the seats, "So...you don't know?"

"Nope."

I plopped down, staring at the smug looking head, "Then why'd you say nope?"

"Cause ya don't need it," she stated matter-o-factly, "It's gross, disgusting, smells like ripe sweat and sex, and I like it."

I let out a long huff, "You know, I'd normally call you a pervert...but...just, sport bunny pussy is just- so gross and sloppy and- I uh...I used to prowl around a college back where I lived...picking up runners."

Cosmic closed her eyes and started nodding, "Mmmhmm, just something right about a nasty body when you're huntin' after a bit of squishy. Pinnin' em, pressing up against em, the look as ya force 'em inside...." she took a deep breath and looked off to the side, "I ruined so many colts...so many young studs that had no idea.... I miss it, an' I mean...ya' saved me, but you're old-er, older, and it's never the same."

I scratched my head, "This boner is conflicted. And...if you could, I would totally let you be on top, but you can't...you have no...well, you have no body." I looked over to Dust, "She doesn't count...."

Cosmic started slapping her ears against her head, "Speaking of--"

"Of sex?"

She glared at me, "...Yes, but that can wait. No, I mean...fixing this, I appreciate it. Even if it doesn't work out, even if we can't go back to one piece, I appreciate ya' tryin'."

"Are you kidding me? This is the most exciting thing I've done since Iraq!" I scratched my forehead, "I uh...not an overly exciting person on my own." I looked over at Dust, "I mean...that's why I brought her inside, that's why I put up with you, that's why I...why you kinda grew on me...you're exciting, and I--"

"Lad, I'm a decapitated head...if I wasn't exciting, you've been to Tartarus and back."

"Exactly! I mean, I've seen men blow up. I've been covered in bits of my old friends, but that's- that's not really exciting, more terrifying. But this, going on a little quest, saving a princess from a curse, reuniting two lost souls into one! I mean--"

"Oi, lift me up to you?" Cosmic asked, glaring hard, "Side a' your face...."

I slowly did, "Please don't bite--" I stopped myself as something soft gently pressed against my cheek, followed by a warm sound of a kiss.

Cosmic started mumbling in my ear, "Last stud that called me a princess cut my head off...now this one's trying to put it back on...." I pulled her back, finding her actually blushing, a gentle embarrassed blush, "Ain't never had a good track record with knights, so maybe 'bout time someone broke that streak."

I let out a rough cough, "So...Storm Side, what are we expecting?"

Cosmic took a deep breath, clearing the soft pink from her cheeks, "Uh...been a while, few hundred years. Unless the place exploded, we'll get to the station, then it's a quick trip to the east, should be a big tower with all the magical artifacts collected from Old Equia."

"Alright. Remind me to ask about Old Equia."

"What? Just ask me no- mphm!?" I shut her up, pulling her mouth to meet my own, I watched her, eye to eye as her expression hardened, her lips refusing to open as I pressed out lips together. Little by little, a flinch after flinch, she broke her glare, her eyebrows remaining angry as her eyes closed and her mouth opened.

I pushed forward, exploring her mouth for a moment before tracing the tip of my tongue over the center of hers. She let out a soft grunt, eyebrows finally falling to a submissive expression. Things quickly turned into a sloppy fight as her expression turned back into a fighty stare. We pushed at eachother, her tongue proving more dextrous, but mine more powerful.

I pushed us sideways, craddling her and laying curled up on one of the seats. The warm comfort I found in her mouth, clutching Cosmic close and forcing her into her place. She obviously didn't like it, being forced down, but by the clopping in the background, and the heavy breathing that rang out when we drew back.

"I'll buckin' kill ya- ya know that right?" she purred, lifting her chin as I started nibbling at her neck, "Aauh, gonna- gonna die in your sleep...."

I licked from the back of her jaw to her chin, nipping at her chin before biting her lip softly, "I know...I always knew I'd die in bed with you." I focused on the small stump of neck she retained from her decapitation, "Jesus...I think I'm in love with a bodiless maniac."

"Yer' d-damn right...ya- ya bu-ucker!" I could feel her tense up in my arms as the distant clopping grew more and more furious. And that would set the tone for the entire train ride.

Nearly sixteen hours of sleep, sex, and a bit of physical bonding, all wrapped up with a pair of mares, split between one body's worth of parts. But, maybe when we pulled into Storm Side, maybe when we found what we were looking for, maybe then we could sort this all out, and live like normal people.
> On The Topic Of Fractured Existence
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I trailed after Cosmic as she pulled herself through the snow. She was wrapped up in a hood while Dust was clad in a thick human made coat, bright orange and still barely visible through the intense snow storm. "Fucking hell, which way!?" I screamed, clawing my way up an embankment.

"Keep- ... -ass!" her words were barely audible, leaving me little choice besides scrambling after her through the snowdrifts that completely encased the city. It was horrifying to think that, from what Cosmic described, this was once an entire metroplex, now buried under meter after meter of ice.

Everything was awful, the cold was biting through the thick jacket they'd given me, the train was too far back to see, there was nothing but white and a small speck of orange wandering through it, and it was dry. Every bit of moisture in my skin and eyes was pulled away and turned to frost as I followed after Cosmic.

Even walking was terrible, my feet sunk in up to my calves before hitting the permafrost below. "This is bullshit, I swear to god this is bullshit!" I shouted, drudging after her. My breath was gone, my endurance was crumbling from the bitter cold. My body could surly do it, but my mind was screaming at me to stop and just live with a decapitated pony.

But out of the white I saw Dust standing still, prodding the ground with a bundled up hoof. I hurried over, running like a fat boy after a food truck, "Oi, you found it!?"

I reached her just in time to get an angry glare, "Pop this open!" Cosmic yelled, Dust tapping a strange door with her hoof, "Bloody trap door means we're about a few hundred stones high."

I shook my head, falling to my knees and scraping off the hard oak door, "Not sure what a stone is, but I'm going to assume that's high!" I pulled at the door, eventually hearing it click, then crack. I threw my arms up, watching as the door was ripped open, lock included. "Oh shit...is that gonna be a problem?!"

Dust jumped down into the void below without another word. "...Guess not." I held onto the side of the door, closing it best I could before dropping down with a loud wooden thud, "Jesus, light!? Light!?"

On cue a soft blue light sparkled to life from Cosmic's horn, her head now revealed and unbound from her hood. "Right...this is it. Smells like sterilizer and soggy oak." she started wandering to the walls of the circular tower, "Observatory...well, if ya' ever wanted ta' study the sky...grab something."

I watched in awe as she pillaged the dull white stone walls, dropping assorted things onto the floor like nothing mattered. "Cosmic, what the hell are ya' doin'!?"

Dust turned around, Cosmic not bothering to stop her plundering, "We're not on some vacation...we're supposed to grab everything we can, and leave. I thought ya bloody knew that." She looked over an oddly ornate telescope, "Here, ya can sell this." She trotted over behind me, pulling my pack open and carefully tucking away the delicate metalwork. "Grab everything you can carry,"

I looked around the room, spotting thing that were undoubtedly worth fortunes in their own right. "So we're looting?! That's--"

Cosmic soon found her way before me, "Look, either we're gonna find a way to fix me, or we're not. And if we don't, I need to make sure we have the bloody money to come back out here, got it!?" To punctuate her pilfering she nabbed a strange looking horn and held it for me, "Now take this, pack it in, and follow me."

I grabbed the horn, looking it over and slowly wandering off after the seemingly bitter mare. "...So, you know what this stuff does? Like what does this even do?" I held the horn to my lips, blowing through it. No sound came out, but everything seemed to crystallize for a moment, adopting a thin sheen of ice before bursting, "Whoa...what the--"

Cosmic grumbled as she tossed me yet another artifact, "I know what some of these things are, I was stationed to keep these pillock safe, and I followed this one tosser around while he cataloged a bunch of it." She levitated another object over to me, a strange dial. "That one there, controls the seasons in a few miles. That horn, brings down a frost storm, so be careful with that thing."

"Jesus...and we're just stealing--"

I felt myself pulled down by my collar, Cosmic's glowing orange eyes bright in the dimly lit room, "After what they did to me...I think I'm owed a little swag of my own...."

I ignored the modern connotation, the fact that we were stealing gold from ancient chests and an ancient tower gave, swag, a whole different meaning. "Well- I- look, can we just hurry?"

I watched Cosmic turned away with a snap, heading down towards a flight of stairs, "Look, we ain't just stealing. There's stuff in here that could help the country too. So fill your pack ta' the brim and follow me!"

I grumbled angrily, my light source leaving, I had no choice but to move on from the ice buried room. A last look around saw only oak crates and broken bits of metalwork, all polished brass or silver. With the top floor looted I hurried down, finding Cosmic levitating a bunch of books into a stack, "Medical studies...cures for diseases that were eraticated...cures for headaches, everything from A to Z." she waved me over.

I set my pack down, letting her carefully pack away a set of journals and a few strange instruments and alchemy appliances. "Cosmic...exactly how many floors is this place?"

She started shaking her head, "Not many, maybe six or so. But if we find something I think should have survived...we shouldn't need to climb back up." She stopped packing and looked up at me, then at the now empty tables and chairs that littered the room, "What do ya' know about pyromancy?"

"What like fire mag--" I stopped myself as a familiar wet sensation fell from my lip, "I'm bleeding again, aren't I?"

"Bloody- I swear if it's rift-- Wait a bloody minute!" Her eyes started daring left and right, "Temporal studies...we need to get to temporal studies, third floor!" she started prancing around, "Uh- grab anything that looks important and let's go!"

I looked around the medieval looking classroom, finding nothing of value and following Dust to the next set of stairs. Another flight of creaky stairs and I found myself amongst something all to familiar, weapons. I had stumbled my way into a medieval armory.

Walls full of ornate black steel and embroidered wood surrounded us. Dust looked around frantically, "Damn, nothing worth a toss is left!"

I looked around, spotting an oddly hilted saber, "What is up with these things, the grip is all--"

"Mouth grips, ya idiot!" she stated, prancing in place around, "Now- bucking pick something and let's go!"

I looked at the massive wooden racks, perusing the oddly visceral methods of pony death dealing. I stowed a few small knives and the saber I was looking at. But something was out of place, "I- what the fuck?" I grabbed the strange plastic weapon, "G-thirty-six," I checked the weapon, ejecting a round and checking everything, "This...what the fuck, why would a pony have this!?" I held the gun in Cosmic's view.

She started shaking her head, "Do ya not know what rift sickness is!? Boy, you're not gonna like what happens next...not one bloody bit." she started off down the next flight, "Now take it and let's go- oh boy...yep...yep, rift sickness...ooooooh boy," the light disappeared, leaving me in near pitch black.

I stowed what I could, clipping the stock of the rifle to my pack and hurrying after Dust. "Alright, you keep saying rift sickness, what the hell does--" I stopped half way down the steps, spotting something horrifying in the dull blue light of Cosmic's horn, "...Why is there a dead guy in the corner!?"

Cosmic looked back at me with a hearty amount of worry on her face, "Aye...he uh...looks like the portal closed on yer' leg...poor bastard bled out."

I started waving my arms out in front of me as I hurried down the wooden steps, "Whoa- back up, my leg!? What happened to my leg?!" I looked around the strange room. It was simply a circular workshop with a single work bench and a vast number of windows, mirrors, doors and locks of every form or fashion, and laying face down on the rotting wooden floor was a human being in a dull green coat, it's leg cut off below the knee and laying before a broken window frame.

I walked around, next to the body. Cosmic was busy pillaging the sole desk in the room, "Oi, don't touch em!" she snapped, turning around with a strange awl of some sort, "Nothing good's gonna come if you touch yourself."

I started shaking my head, "Are you making a jo--" I stopped as Cosmic pulled the dead man's head up, tearing a strange metal mask, completely featureless save two circular eyes, off and revealing an extremely familiar face, "Holy shit, what the fuck man!?" I screamed, standing up and lumbering back, "Wha- I- what the fuck!?" I could hear my hear speed up to an insane degree as I looked at my own dead face on the floor, "I- why- why am I dead on the floor, but still standing here!? Cosmic, what the--"

Cosmic just jabbed the dead body in the neck with a strange pair of scissors. "Calm down, this is more common than you think...usually it's ponies, but every so often it's a diamond dog or a dragon, or... a human." She went to work, cutting apart the dead body's neck. No blood, only a glowing red light came from the wound, "Gotta just...cut the ties to this reality. Can't have two versions of yourself if one's dead, ya' get rift sickness, and that develops into wither, which...just, extremely fatal."

I just pulled at my hair as the body was desecrated, "Cosmic, that explains--"

She stopped cutting and looked up at me. "...Ponies here, were psychotic bastards. They cut my head off, tampered with reality at a cosmic scale, brought beings that weren't meant to survive in this land just to study, and were generally buckin' crazy. Does the fact that other realities surprise you, when you come from a different bucking reality!?"

I tried to form a rebuttal, but between the dead me, and the vast amounts of insanity that seemed to be factual, I was speechless. "...So what the hell are you doing?"

She went back to cutting, "I'm not completely sure...but back when a pony came through, a doctor, one died...decapitated before I got my turn. And...they kept trying to stop the other one from dyin' they cut the neck with these things!" She wiggled the scissors around, causing a bright orange fire to envelop the corpse, "There, got it!"

I rubbed my arms, watching in horror as the body, minus the clothes, fizzled away into orange embers that faded into inexistence as they petered out, "Oh god...I feel like I'm dying...." Soon all that was left of the corpse was a set of clothes, now clean and free of blood stains. The strangest part, the metal faceplate sat at my boots.

Cosmic took a deep breath, "...Jason...Jason look at me."

I ignored her, picking up the mask by the harness, "...I just- this was me, but it's not me! I just- who was I meant to be!?"

Dust stepped onto my toes, Cosmic looking up at me, "Look...there are an infinite amount of worlds out there, infinite variables going against horrible odds and coming together. This could be you if you were wounded, if you were born ten seconds later, ten seconds earlier, who knows who this was, but it's not you anymore! So fuckin' focus and remember why we're here!"

I watched the mask shaking violently in my hands, "I uh...sure, keep going through the pain and all that bollocks." I packed the mask away in my bag, just another piece of fucked up loot from this arcane hell.

Cosmic nodded, heading towards the next flight of tattered steps, down another flight, into another white brick room filled to the brim with metal and glass. "Neurological and aural studies...cram everything you can into that pack!" She looked back at me with a worried look, "Jason...Jason you're shaking."

I clenched my fists, "Look, I know I said there wasn't much that got to me...inter-dimensional...suicide, or death, or whatever that was, that gets to me." I knelt down, turning my back to her, "Just pack what you can and let's go!"

I felt my pack slowly getting heavier as Cosmic trotted about the large room, "Jason, remember...I love ya, I'm not gonna let ya hurt once we're out a' here. I need ya ta' remember that."

I rubbed my hands together, biting back the cold, "Look, I know, I'm fine. I just need to get through this, and...I don't know, I just need to get out of here."

I heard the zipper wrap up my pack, "There...lots of toys ta' play with when we're back home...now, there's live studies and the lobby, so it's gotta be the next room!" She ran over to the last set of stairs, "Come on lad, come on we're almost out of here!"

I hurried down the steps, an extremely loud crack came from underfoot. I slammed into the floor below, landing nose to nose with a pony skeleton, "Jesus why!?" I snapped, scrambling back, and spotting the body it belong to across the room, "Oh fuck--"

"Found something!" Cosmic screamed, running over to me with a book, "I- notes, tons of notes!" her face was elated, even when standing on the bones of a dead pony, "Jason, Jason it's bloody here! They took notes, they kept--" she stopped herself, "We need the blade...we need the blade too!" She spun around, pointing out the guillotine from her vision, "Jason, I need that blade, we don't need the frame, the blade's what's enchanted!"

I looked to the far end of the room, spotting the evil looking contraption. "That's it!? You got everything else?!"

Cosmic bolted off to the side of the room, grabbing things and stuffing them in my pack as I hurried over to the guillotine. "Jason just--"

I was fueled by fear and grabbed the sides of the blade and pulling it off as hard as I could. The blade refused to come off, pull after pull, yank after yank. I was panicked, I just wanted to go home, I wanted to take a shower and nap. I wanted my bed, I wanted my sandwich, I wanted to be home in peace. And as I knocked the device on it's side, pressing my foot against the base of the device and pulling hard a final time, the abomination snapped in two.

In my panicked pulls I hadn't realized, hadn't seen or hadn't cared, but the blade slid straight through my neck. My vision tumbled to the floor, the feeling in my hands remaining, my body still connected even as my vision blurred from the sudden impact of the floor.

I stared into the darkness as my heart stopped. My hearing was gone, replaced by a constant ringing as I rolled around the floor. Only when a strange tingly grip picked me up, bringing me face to face with Cosmic, did I say something. "Holy shit!" My body was still my own, my limbs responding to my commands, but my head was severed, my parts both separate and connected.

Cosmic's face was one of sheer horror, "Jason...can ya feel--" I spotted my body, slowly trying to turn around and walk over to myself. Despite my sudden decapitation, I still had one thought on my mind. I wanted to go home.

I forced my body to listen to me, struggling with the strange perspective until Cosmic helped my head into my own hands, "Cosmic...grab everything, we need to leave...now." I held my head against my new neck stump, "This...is horrible."

Cosmic's face was both sympathetic and angry, "Aye...we uh...Jason, do ya trust me?"

I could feel my heart speed up as I started laughing, "Cosmic...I just cut my own head off because of you. You should have your-" I was cut off by a soft smile and a bright blue light, "-answer." My eyes cleared, revealing us back in the train, Cosmic smiling for a few seconds before falling to the side and rolling out of her saddle.

I tried to reach out to her, finding myself extremely sick.

One, two, three, four--

I reached four before passing out, the combination of nausea and lightheartedness was overwhelming. So much trauma had befallen me in such a short time, I just needed to get a little rest. Whatever was going to happen next, I just needed to get a little bit of rest first.
> Canterlot
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Help, help, help!" I yelped, blinded and flailing my arms and legs to no avail. "Someone fucking help me!" I could feel my heart racing as I flailed about like mad. "Cosmic, mom, Dust, dad!?" I felt something hold me down, pinning me. "Come on this isn't--"

"You're like a scared lamb!" Cosmic shouted, her magic pulling a sheet away and clearing my vision. She sat on the other end of a large bed, neck sat in a pillow. "There, better? Ya big baby."

I took a few deep breaths and looked around. "...Cosmic, why- oh...oh yeah...." I peered down, finding my neck ending into a pillow, "...I'm really fighting the urge to scream right now."

Cosmic flicked her right ear, "Oh come on, it's not so bad! I mean now I can't help but feel a bit more connected to ya'!" She started snickering, "You're sure as buck not as connected to yourself!"

I shot my arm out, swinging my arm wildly. "God damn it!" I yelled, flailing at the air. "What's the fucking point of still having my body if I can't fucking see it!" I grabbed at the air, eventually taking hold of something living. "Wait- I got--" I felt the warm coated creature try to pull away. "It's a pony!"

Cosmic rolled her eyes. "Oi, set em down! I dropped ya off in the hospital, so stop screwing with the medics!"

I glared at Cosmic, setting the pony, that could by all rights be miles away, down. "Fine...now where am I!? And I mean...I mean right here, and right-" I flailed my arms around, "-here- where's my body?"

Cosmic turned her nose up at me. "Canterlot, with the prissy ponies, the pompous gits that everypony loves to hate." She lowered her gaze back to me, sporting a rather neutral expression. "I wanted to go to Trottingham, but the princess said she didn't want me leaving with all the stuff we brought." She smiled wide, "I'm a royal Thaumologist now. " an annoying amount of pride riding her words. "What are you?"

I resumed my bitter stare. "...The man you begged to fuck you."

Cosmic's smug grin faded immediately. "...Smart ass prick." She was quickly joined by Dust, who sat between us, planting herself in the middle of the bed and looking at us. "Anyways.... Both passed out on the train, and by the time I woke up we were back in Canterlot. The driver carried us back, kind lad he is, and brought us to the hospital."

I looked around the prissy white room, staring at the soft silky sheets that adorn the bed I was sat on. "That doesn't answer my question. Where am I?"

Cosmic blew a strand of hair out of her face. "Canterlot. We're in a pretty sweet inn, your lower half is in hospital." Cosmic looked around the room with a smile. "The princess left each and every thing we nabbed with me! She said I'm the most experienced, and she wants me to catalog everything!" A small booklet levitated out from behind her. "Look, I did all this already! I handed over the cure for Rift Sickness, I helped categorize the stars--"

I cocked an eyebrow, "You did all that in a day?"

Cosmic's wicked smile grew extremely wide. "More like...a month, and a half." She levitated the book away, laughing at me. "Ya' look mad."

I took a deep breath, feeling my body shake violently. "Yeah...I'm a little mad...just a little." I felt a few sets of hooves press into my body, holding me down. "I swear to god I wish I could melt your head with my stare!"

Cosmic just started giggling, "Well I feel great! Things are great, I've got a job, magical shit out my arse, I got to jam food down your throat and I can do this! Wooo-" she levitated a sheet over my head, "-ooop!"

I just stared at Cosmic's general direction, remaining completely silent. The smell of fresh clean cotton graced my nose, not even putting a dent in my rage. "Cosmic, get this fucking sheet off my face, now."

I felt the sheet fly off my head, Cosmic looking a bit scared for the first time in my life. "...You're mad."

"Very." I stated, still not breaking my bitter stare. "Now how about someone takes me to my body, before I find a way to kill people just by fucking looking at them!" I shouted, causing Dust to flinch and Cosmic's cocky smile to falter. "...Now Cosmic!"

Cosmic peered over at Dust, "Um...wow, so you're actually mad--"

"Cosmic!"

"Alright! Jeez." Cosmic made a clicking sound, causing Dust to jump upright. "Gods...you're so mad...." She grew a bit red and turned her head.

I watched as Dust picked me up and put me into the saddle on her back. "...I'm mad because my fucking head is detached from the rest of me!"

"It's not that big--"

Dust slowly made her way to the door, leaving me to yell at Cosmic, "Don't get butt hurt because I called you out! Just fix this!"

Cosmic started sputtering and growing even redder. "My arse isn't hurt, ya prick!"

"Shut up!" I snapped, watching the prissy bedroom fade way into a rather huge livingroom. "...Dust...if you had a head I'd kiss you." I mumbled, relaxing as we slowly sauntered out of what was apparently a manor. Dust picked up her hooves a little more after I finished my praise. Her slow walk turned into a rather jolly gait.

I closed my eyes, trying not to get sick as I bobbed and flailed around Dust's saddle. Her jaunty walk was so bouncy and spastic I felt like letting myself see would only add to the growing motion sickness. "Oh god...Dust...calm down...I'm gonna be sick." Dust complied, slowing down and leaving me much more stable. "Oh god thank you...."

I opened my eyes, braving the burning sun. The capitol, Canterlot, was brisk. Its trees lay barren and the faintest hint of rain lingered in the air. The occupants of the city seemed to be settling into fall quite nicely. I just let out a soft sigh, I'd been in Equestria for a few months, and by far the most impressive thing about it was the changing of the seasons, something I'd apparently missed.

I pushed it aside and tried to focus on the path. The well maintained streets of Canterlot were rather sparse, most people undoubtedly trying to get away from the brisk cold and settling in with their loved ones. Meanwhile I was left to be carted around towards the hospital, absolutely no control over my life.

"You did what!?" an extremely scratchy, gruff voice cried out from ahead.

"I did not think anything would happen! They're not even ponies, or us!" A more shrill but equally scratchy voice shot back.

"Dov, idiot, idiot, you Vakala!"

"I'd rosva' ne' Vakala! Dross var-amina!" the voices divulged into a scratchy language. Dust looked around, drawing my attention to a red haired duo on the other side of the street.

She stepped out and trotted over to the foreign duo. We stood next to them as the two stallions continued to bicker. "...Uh, you alright?" I asked, stopping the two cold.

"We're- Visduk, almini!" the higher pitch one screamed, "What is this!?"

I stared at the panicky stallion. "...What, never seen a decapitated head on a headless pony's back before? It's really not that uncommon you know...."

The two ponies just stared at me. One with a tired look, the other with one of terror. The obviously older one with a beard shook his head. "Dov...does this really surprise you? We leave Translymania, what did you expect to see!? Did you not want to experience new things!? Did you not want to get them pregnant!? Is that what you, didn't, want!?"

I started shaking my head. "What even are you two? You look...weird."

The older one turned to me, "...The same could be said of you, bodiless."

"Touche." I shot back, Dust messing with the younger one while I spoke with the elder. "So...what are you?"

The older stallion looked over at the younger. "...You say, bat ponies. And you?"

I felt a strange itch on my head, unable to scratch I tried to ignore it. "Human...who...got really, really unlucky."

The elder nodded, "...I understand misfortune. Perhaps not to your extent, but this one-" he threw his hoof out at the younger, "-started having sex with everything he could. Didn't think hu--"

"Didn't think humans and ponies could make babies?" I asked with a laugh.

The elder let out a gruff huff, "Yes...by the time we found out he had a harem...."

I nodded, nearly falling off as Dust reared up and hugged the younger. "Yeah we- whoa- we got that speech a while ago. Don't fuck unless you want a little abomination! By some...Muslim."

The elder cocked his head. "I don't know what that is...but I need to help this one sort out his love life--"

The younger pushed Dust aside, nearly sending me flying. "Perhaps it is you that should sort yourself! Your little book mare is going to--"

The elder slammed his hoof into the younger's face, pushing him aside. "At any rate...I am Carve, it has been...interesting."

I nodded, "Jason, It's been fun. I mean besides the tragic shit that's been going on...."

Carve closed his eyes and nodded. "Truly we live in interesting times."

"Interesting, really doesn't do it justice. Now come on, Dust, let's get going!" We slowly started off towards the hospital, "Heeya!" I shouted, doing my best interpretation of a Texan.


> Bodies
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I tried to keep as still as possible, which amounted to swaying my head slightly left and right with the nub of a neck I had left. "You know...I used to have dreams of being in space...oddly enough this is pretty similar." I mumbled, knowing it was a one sided conversation, but it still made me feel better. "...I wonder what my old unit is doing.... I have to imagine I got the craziest story now."

Dust just kept walking, slower, but still just as steady. She was gracious enough to listen to my stories as we wandered through the streets of Canterlot, the hospital lingering in view but still a ways away. Dust was surprisingly more pleasant than I would have thought, her body language kinder, her attitude calmer and her actions far less egregious to others' personal space.

I felt calm around her, even considering I was a debodied head astride a pony. I was living the worst folklore I'd ever read, and yet I wasn't screaming like a mad man or stripping my throat shouting at the world. But I couldn't help but feel a bit self conscious. "...Dust, twice for yes, once for no. Do you like me?" I tapped my fingers on some unseen bed railing as I waited for her to slow down and answer.

Dust shook her body, tapping her hoof on the floor twice. She craned her neck around, the ghost image of a smile somehow present despite her lack of a face. It made me feel warm, despite the disconnect at the neck, something about her unhesitating answer made my body glow and my heart flutter. "...Thank you...." I cooed, looking ahead. "That's really, really- I...I needed that."

Dust tapped her hooves on the cold concrete steps of the hospital. She whipped her tail around, dusting herself off and walking up the steps towards the hospital. It struck me as odd that any hospital would have stairs, but the presence of a large ramp zigzagging along the side made enough sense. What felt even odder, odder than the strange set up of the hospital, the odd way ponies were ignoring a severed human head atop a headless pony, there were simply no ponies, no humans. The supposedly bustling city of Canterlot was hollow.

"Hey Dust what-- wait...never mind." I shook my head, nearly throwing myself off her back. "Does it seem empty to you?"

Dust stepped up to the front doors, tapping her hoof against the wall twice. She looked around, pushing the door open with her plot and turning around once inside. The lobby of the hospital was completely empty aside from a single mare at a counter. We walked slowly through the lobby, the dull white corridors bleeding into a solid mass of white.

Things felt unreal, too clean, too calm. "You must be--" The nurse at the counter went bolt stiff. "Jason? Oh my gosh, is that you!?" A sharp pink mare leaned over the counter. "Uh...I thought they said your name, but I didn't think it'd actually be you."

I looked up at the mare. "Oh...Oh shit, Molly! You made it into the internship!"

Molly smiled wide, "I'm an RN now!"

I smiled at her, "That's great kid! Glad I could help." I felt Dust shift under me, her neck leaning towards me. "Oh...Dust this is Molly, I helped tutor her before I moved to Ponyville."

Molly blushed slightly. "Yeah, tutored...."

I coughed roughly. "Molly...this is Dust...we're dating, or...something...not really sure given the lack of communic--"

Dust slammed her hoof down on the tile floor twice.

"Uh...that means yes.... I guess yeah, we're dating."

Dust slammed her hoof down a few more times, her backside wiggling up and down as she trotted in place. "Uh...I don't think she likes you...." I mumbled, trying to keep from wobbling off her back. "So...where's my body?"

Molly looked around the lobby. "Uh...I'll show you--"

Dust slammed her hoof down, nearly tossing me to the floor. My body jolted, grabbing the sides of the bed and mentally keeping me from falling. "Hey, take it easy!" I shouted as Dust leaned towards the counter. "Dust, what the hell!?"

Dust whirled around, sitting down hard on the ground and reaching back with her forelegs. She grabbed my head, spinning me around and planting me back down facing her backside. She stood up and walked backwards up to the counter, standing there, calm as could be. 

"Uh...Jason, what's up?" Molly asked, looking at Dust's backside.

I sighed loudly. "I don't know...I don't think she--" Dust cut me off, kicking her back leg against the counter. "...Anyways...my body?"

Molly's purple tail swished angrily. "Sure...and for the record, headless bitch, we broke up! Don't worry, I'm not trying to steal your little--"

"Molly...is now the time?" I asked, looking towards a set of double doors. "I mean honestly...can I get the rest of me back?"

Molly scrunched up her lips and pushed off the counter. "Fine. Follow me." Molly sauntered towards a set of doors, Dust slowly sorting herself out and walking backwards, sweeping her tail around to make sure she wasn't going to crash into anything. Riding backwards on Dust made me sick, the constant swaying of her hips and the featureless white paint was making my world spin, the walls blur and my stomach turn.

"Whoa god, Dust, Jesus, I can't--" I closed my eyes, focusing instead on the constant clopping four sets of hooves created. "Oh my god...close your eyes and this place turns into hell...horse smelling hell...."

Molly scoffed. "Cause you're sitting downwind of a pony fl-- Ow, what the fuck!?"

I popped my eyes open, finding Molly rubbing her foreleg. "What, what happened!?"

"Bitch just kicked me!" Molly shouted, stepping back into an elevator wall. The sound of the mechanisms in the ceiling broke up the constant shifting of pony hooves. "Seriously bitch, if you're jealous I don't give a shit, you keep kicking me I'll bite your nipples off!"

I sputtered. "Nipples?"

"There's nothing else to bite off on her! Somepony else beat me to it!"

Dust walked into the corner of the elevator, lifting her back leg and getting ready to kick. "Dust, knock it off!" My shout caused Dust to lock up, her hoof snapping back against the ground where it belonged. "Seriously...we broke up like six months ago!"

"Because you tried to make out with my sister you dick!" Molly shouted, backing against the elevator door.

I laughed nervously. "I- ...six drinks...it was Hearthwarming Eve...."

"Excuses!" Molly pressed her flank against the elevator door, stumbling back as it popped open. "Listen Jason, I appreciate the tutoring, the help, but your filly is gonna lose- ...I can't even say lose her teeth! She doesn't have a fucking face!"

"Molly...which room?" I asked, Dust already walking down the hall. "Molly, which room!?"

Molly rubbed her foreleg. "Figure it out, dingus! I'll wait here, dismiss you...."

I looked around the darkened rooms. "How am I- oh...the one with the lights on...." I mumbled, trying to get up from my bed without seeing what I was doing. "Makes sen- Jesus!" I yelped, Dust bolting down the hall backwards, "How the hell-- Bwah!" Her hooves ground into the floor, her body sliding down the dull white halls.

We skidded to a halt before a unassuming white door, the window into it streaming in a bright white light. "...Oh, you're both on the ball and extremely flustered today...." Dust walked up to the door, slowly turning around and pawing at it with her hoof. "...You know, this whole, being backwards, shtick, is getting old really fast."

Dust ignored me, almost tipping me off her backside while fighting with the door. But eventually the door flung open, and I found myself in yet another dull white room, this one beeping with ambient machine and rustling. Dust trotted inside, slowly turning around, revealing my body like some sort of grand prize. Granted it was a bit of a prize to be alive, to be reunited, and to have a damn good sandwich to look forward to, but everything felt a bit strange.

I tried to get out of bed, my body lurching up and grabbing hold of the bed. The spacial idea of being two places at once was screwing me, leaving me to flail like an idiot while I got queasy from the movement. "Come on- come on Jason- come on...." I mumbled, watching my body stumble and fail to sit upright, my brain telling me to roll right, while I needed to go straight. "Oh god this is fucking frustrating!"

I kept at it, eventually pulling myself up and hazily throwing my legs off the side of the bed. "Yeah! Yeah got it!" I shouted, watching my body fumble it's way off the bed. "Come on...come on...there it is!" I shouted, my English coming out as I got excited. "There we go-- Ah fuck!" I felt my feet hit the cold floor, my feet bare, my legs wobbly. My body tipped sideways, slamming me shoulder first into the ground.

"Oh- god that hurt!" I whimpered, Dust slowly backing towards my downed body. I continued to groan as Dust sat down, slowly rolling my head off her back and onto the floor where my neck was. "Not helping!" I shouted, trying to rub my face, touching my chin instead. "...Oh.... God damn it, Dust, you're making me look stupid here!" I grabbed my head, holding me against my neck and finally getting my bearings. I sat upright, my hospital gown fluttering as I did. "There...better."

Dust walked around me, circling my like a shark. She nudged me towards the door, her hooves clicking against the tile floor. "Dust...seriously, cool it." I dug my heels in, pinning my head to my neck with one arm and slowly turning around to face Dust. "What's up? Everything's cool, alright?"

Dust pranced in place, lifting her hooves high before slamming them back down. She looked around nervously, staring at the door each pass from side to side.

"Dust...what's up?" I asked, carefully ducking down and putting a hand on the back of her neck, rustling the small bit of grey mane she had. "Is this about Molly? Because like she said...we're not going to--" Dust cut me off, slamming one hoof into the ground. ".... Okay, so what is it?"

Dust pranced on her hoof tips, nearly poking a hole in the tile as she danced about. She nuzzled my knee, pushing herself up and leaning her neck towards me. She kept herself lined up with me, thrusting her neck towards my face. "...I don't understand...."

Dust stomped my bare foot, thrusting her free leg up towards my face, then back to her neck. "Ow... I still don't understand."

Dust shook slightly, pointing her hoof to my face, then to her neck. She pressed her hoof against her neck hard, grinding it in for a bit before throwing it off and pointing back to my face. "...Uuuuh...I don't- I don't understand!"

Dust pushed off my legs, running to the far end of the room and kicking over a tray. She bolted around the room like mad, knocking things over and sprinting about. I thought back to her strange signals, "If she...but that wouldn't.... Eh...couldn't hurt." I walked over to her, picking my head up off my neck and holding it down to her height. "Like this?"

Dust slowly calmed down, reducing her speed and slowly circling me. She stopped before me, sitting down and thrusting her neck out. I just stood there, holding my head to her level and waiting. "I really don't--" Dust slammed her hoof against the tile, cracking it and thrusting her neck against my face. "Wait...kiss? I- ...there needs to be a better way of communicating...." I mumbled, ducking down and pressing myself against her neck.

I kissed the flat, sawed off bit of her neck, the dull taste of skin and ethereal dust clung to my lips as I pulled back. "There, is that--" Before I could finish Dust started tapping her hooves against the ground like mad. She kicked her back legs up, popping upright and galloping out of the room. She slammed into the wall opposite the doorway we'd walked into and shot down the hall.

I sat there, crouched down, waiting for something to click in my brain and clarify everything. "I have never been so god damn confused...and that fucking sandwich has never been so god damn appealing." I stood up, tugging at my clothes to cover my body. A quick walk out into the hall found Molly standing there, staring at the opposite end of the hall.

"Your mare just...uh, Jason...you're weird."

"I know." I stated, grabbing myself by the hair and hanging myself at the end of my fingers. "Everything's been a little weird since I met her." I listened as the distant clopping petered out, leaving me wondering why she ran away from the elevator. "Hey, Molly, everyone's been acting kinda weird besides all this." I waved my hand at my head and body. "Like...there weren't a lot of ponies in the streets, you're the only one--"

"It's Hearts and Hooves Day." Molly stated, turning towards the elevator. "Everypony is getting ready for the night in Canterlot. Gonna be fun, and hopefully I can still find a date."

I let out a soft huff and planted myself back on my shoulders. "Well...that makes some sense, but I- oh...ooooh, that's why she- god damn I'm really not awake today." I muttered, scratching my head. "Like seriously, I'd never have known if you didn't say anything."

Molly stopped next to the elevator. "...Really?" She asked, pointing at a small piece of paper with a pink heart on it.

I walked over, my feet slapping against the floor. "Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, remember to enjoy your day off. ...Hospitals don't have a day off!"

Molly shook her head. She held out a hoof. "Here's the point...." She swooped her hoof over her head. "Woosh, didn't even notice."
> Surprise!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I ran my hand over my other arm. I was finally dressed, finally had my wallet, and was trying to pick out a scarf to tie my neck together. I honestly had no idea where I was, lost in the urban jungle of Canterlot's shopping district. "...Hmm...." I held my head low, scanning the thicker scarves. "...This is...okay." I carefully tucked my head under my right arm and grabbed a thick cotton scarf with my free hand. "...Yeah...this looks good."

I threw the scarf over my shoulder and hurried through the crowded shop, ponies staring at me openly. They weren't trying to be subtle and I really couldn't blame them. I was a human being first off, in two parts, walking around in a cheap pink shirt and a pair of cream slacks, all the while trying to buy a scarf in a store filled with late Hearts and Hooves day shoppers. I made my way to the counter, mumbling to myself. "...What did I do in my life that I ended up here?"

"Probably something magic." The pony behind the counter stated, "...Probably...something...magic...."

I set the scarf down on the clean white counter. "Yeah...."

The pony behind the counter nodded, sliding the scarf over the scanner. "Was it a mare?"

"...Yeah...."

"...Get her flowers...." The pony levitated the scarf behind my neck. "You'll get a blowjob, no problem."

I held my head in place as the mare wrapped my neck up, letting me seat myself well. "Well, she doesn't have a head."

The mare shrugged. "Then anal...you'll get something good...." She tied my scarf around my neck and nicked the tags. "Actually...flowers might not be the best idea. No mouth, no eating, so...."

"She has- uh... it's complicated." I tried to shake my head off, luckily my head was well anchored, leaving me half normal once again. The only odd thing was I was wearing an absolutely ridiculous outfit, and a scarf in thirty degree weather. "Flowers would work...you know a--"

"Bolshi's, across the street. There's no sign, so it's usually pretty empty, but that dragon knows flowers." The mare pointed out of the window. "Tell her Weaver sent you."

I nodded, nearly tipping my head off my shoulder. "I- Whoa, okay...yeah, I'll be sure to tell him."

"Her." The mare corrected. "She's...complicated."

"Dragon in Canterlot is already complicated." I mumbled. "And look at me...what about me isn't complicated?"

"...Customers." The mare groaned, pointing to the door. "Later dude...."

I stepped out of the bustling shop. "Alright...now...uh...." I looked around the plaza, a pony version of a strip mall, scanning for the some unmarked shop. And hidden behind another store's banner sat a small black door with two narrow green windows.

I hurried across, nearly stepping on a trio of foals bolting around. The plaza was packed with ponies, only the occasional other species hanging about. It felt odd, for all the humans I'd seen in Canterlot there were barely any hanging about, it was majorativly griffon with only the occasional human or hybrid pony dawdling about.

It made me feel like a giant, most of the ponies only coming up stomach to chest height compared to me. I towered over them, wading through the sea of ponies. Little by little I crossed the plaza, taking hold of the black door and slowly pulling it open.

The smell of plant fibres wafted in from the dank dark shop. The place was extremely cramped, dark, damp, and sporting a creature in a hood behind a small counter. A puff of blue fire shot up from a momentarily visible pipe, sending a swirl of smoke past a glowing set of blue eyes. "...What?" The creature asked, pushing an arm out and digging a claw into the counter.

I swallowed hard, looking around the darkened shop. "Uh...Weaver sent me."

The strange hooded creature blew a stream of blue fire from its mouth and the pipe it was chewing on. "Hmmm, what color?"

I looked back towards the door. "I don't know...."

The dragon creature grumbled angrily. "...Who is this for?"

"...Two mares."

"What are they like?" The creature asked, blue fire lapping from her scaly blue mouth. "How significant?"

"We're pretty serious...and one is sweet, quiet, the other is loud...fiery--"

The dragon held a claw out, it's spindly hand veiny and wrinkled. "Alright...just...stand there." The dragon creature reached under the counter, quickly plucking a few flowers and setting them on a bright wrapping paper. She huffed softly as bright white flowers settled down and died under her touch. "...A gift...a trade, your--"

"Look...if I pay extra can you skip the cryptic stuff? I've had-" I undid my scarf and pulled my head off, "-a hell of a day."

The dragon let out a quick huff, pulling her hood back and revealing a powdered white face with bright blue scales. "...See this?" She pointed to her head, a large gash in the webbing of her head fin. "I've had this for forty years, I've had this longer than you've been alive. This is what happens when you skip the cryptic--"

"Triple."

The small dragon huffed angrily. "...The things I put up with." She dragged a claw over the stems of the strange dark dwelling flowers. "These are safe to eat...just for the record. I know you've--"

"Yeah...I've been with a mare.... I thought it was kinda weird at first too." I nodded, my stump of a neck limiting my nodding potential. "Hey I brought you these lovely roses- and you're eating them." I joked, watching the dragon work on the bouquet.

"...Indeed." The dragon sliced the stems of the strange flowers, cupping the stems and blowing a rush of blue fire into the flowers. I stepped back, watching as the dragon blew swirls of orange and blue into the pure white flower, swirling the colors around the center of the flower and causing the stem to change from hunter green to a bright pleasing navy. "There...they should taste like mint and icy spearmint.... Hint of citrus."

I stared at the now colorized flowers. "Um, wow...what are--"

"Secret." The dragon hissed, tapping her fingers on the counter.

I slowly dug my wallet out. "Uh...sure, but how--"

"Secret." The dragon stated, holding her hand out, creepy claws tapping against her scaly palm. "Ninety bits...you said--"

"It's fine." I put the required bits on the counter and took the flowers. "But...how do you even--"

"Secret." The dragon groaned, "Look...if I told you...I'd be out of work. They grow in the dark, I've had a lot of practice making these, and they're edible, not for you probably...you're a monkey creature...not an--"

"I get it!" I shouted, picking my head up off the counter. "Jesus...you're not the only- ...You're not the only one with a bunch of crazy magic around them! I mean, fucking hell, I've got two mares one's just a head, the other just the body, I'm in two pieces, I've been teleported, so drunk I used the head as a fuck toy, I mean...Jesus, if magic was anything like radiation I'd like like a Chernobyl baby!" I shouted, slamming my hand into the counter.

The dragon dropped the bits into a small copper register. "...Long day?"

I wrapped my scarf around my neck. "Extremely!"

The dragon pulled her hood back on, "Hmm, well have a good one...." She hissed, slinking back into the darker corners of the shop.

I wiped off my face, clutching the bouquet of bright flowers to my chest. I hurried out, a small bell jingling as the door swung shut. I ignored it, still a bit flustered and dazed from my sudden decapitation. I hurried down the road, not wanting to catch anyone else I knew while wearing the stupid shirt I was forced to buy.

I had almost no idea where I was going, my route home completely based off some number I was given. But the more I thought about it and the less drunk I felt, I quickly realized Cosmic had managed to plant herself on one of the richest areas in Canterlot, undoubtedly selling the artifacts we'd pilfered or lying to Celestia and getting some government paycheck.

And as soon as I'd found myself on a noble street, filled with primp and proper ponies watching the pink shirted, scarf wearing freak trudge down their street and towards what appear to be a manor. "Huu, god damn it..." I mumbled, spotting the right address, plastered on a miniature castle with a walk up the size of a soccer pitch. "...What the hell...I mean...seriously?" I grumbled, my quiet small town life torn up and thrown down the drain as Cosmic took the wheel. "This is outlandish."

I hurried up the steps, flowers crumpling against my fist. But, it was my second Hearts and Hooves day, and I wasn't going to let it go by as uneventfully as the first. And I really would feel bad for dropping Cosmic and Dust off cold, considering that this would be her first Hearts and Hooves since I plucked her from the woods.

I stepped up to the door, lacking a key I knocked on the door. A soft clatter from inside made me flinch, my head wobbling slightly. Something felt wrong, shallow. The air felt colder and my palm started to sweat over the paper the flowers were wrapped in. I shifted about, my feet stuck in a set of horridly thin flip flops.

The door creaked open, revealing Cosmic peeking outside. "Jason...got ya' head back?"

I swallowed hard, Cosmic's head at a strange level. "Uh...yeah, are you alright?"

Cosmic sniffled softly. "...I'm...I'm good, really good...." She wiped her eye with a hoof, making my heart jump. "Are those fer' me?"

I felt my stomach twist. "Um...yeah.... Where's...where's Dust?" I asked, waving my hand towards the house. "...I got a bunch for the both of you."

Cosmic lowered her head, stepping back and pulling the door open. She stood there, one piece, a large blue scar wrapping around her neck. The roots of her mane and tail were starting to come in orange and her dark grey coat was starting to grow over the scar. "Jason...I'm good...I'm normal again...." She did a quick twirl, her voice quavering away from her hot blooded accent. "I- I'm back, three hundred bloody years...and I'm finally--"

"Where's Dust?" I asked again, stepping up and walking inside. "Is she--"

Cosmic stepped back, her steps a bit sloppy. "Jason...she's not...around anymore." She stepped onto my feet, leaning her neck against my. "She's gone...but I'm finally--"

I dropped the flowers, "No...oh god no!" I shouted, stepping back. "Cosmic, she- how is she gone!?"

Cosmic took a few steps back. "...But- Jason she's part of--"

"No!" I shouted, "I- ...You- fuck!" I screamed, grabbing my head. "I didn't even get to say goodbye!? Are you- she- the hospital!" I shouted, leaning against the wall. "Cosmic...how- you couldn't wait!?" I screamed, spinning around. "How--"

Cosmic flattened her ears. "Jason, this is my body! I need to be--"

"It's not just yours! It wasn't just yours!" I screamed, pointing at her scar. "You're telling me you and Dust were one person!? That's- I'm sorry." I groaned, spotting something in a box. "Oh god...I'm sorry." I brushed past Cosmic.

"Jason...what the heck are ya doin!?" Cosmic yelled, running after me. "Don't you do it!"

I grabbed the blade that severed both our heads, the steel vibrating with latent energy. "Cosmic...there has to be a better way." I held the blade by it's sides. "Cosmic...I'm sorry."

Cosmic stared at me. "Jason...if you do that, I will kill you. I'm not joking, if you do that I will light you on fire and dance in the ashes!" She screamed, her horn starting to flare up orange. "I'm not joking here! Jason...I want this...I love you, I'm whole...why can't you just be happy for me!?"

I shook my head, raising the blade high. "It's not just you...I'm so happy for you, but I can't let someone die in this. There has to be a better way!"

"There is no better way!" Cosmic screamed, thrusting her head towards the floor. "We're one creature, one of us is going to die!"

I shook my head, my scarf shaking. "Mirror pool, magic, something we stole from Storm Side! There's another way, and we're gonna find it!" I shouted, pulling my arms down and severing her neck along the scar. The blade thudded heavily into the floor, Cosmic's head rolling off and onto the floor. The color in her hair faded back into the solid grey. I fell to my knees, pulling the blade out and throwing it aside. "Oh god...I'm so sorry." I picked up Cosmic, her eyes closed, looking dead. "Oh god...don't be--"

"Was?" The head mumbled, opening its eyes and revealing a stunning icy blue. "...Where am I?" Cosmic asked, scanning the room, her voice no longer her own. "...Jason?" She asked, looking up at me. "...Is that what you look like?" The severed head coughed softly, growing a soft pink blush. "Well...to have a kiss from such a cute colt...however strange you may look...."

My eyes darted between her two blue eyes. "Cosmic?"

The body reared up, slamming her hooves into the floor and splitting the wood. She scratched at the floor, causing wood to chip off under her hooves. She walked back, steaming in place.

I looked back down to the head in my hands. "...Uh...Who--"

"Dust...." the head cooed, turning away and laying her cheek against my fingers. "...I'm glad to actually see you...and...thank you for saving me. It was getting a bit dark." Dust spoke, her accent smooth but her words clunky. Her voice was near perfect, reminding me of my time in Amsterdam and a sweet Dutch girl I once knew. Her voice made my heart ache, the blush on her cheeks making me grow a bit warm and her soft blue eyes trying to keep from staring at me and only occasionally darting back and glancing at me before fluttering away.

I stared in awe, realizing exactly what I'd done. "Oh god...well.... I guess I'm not on fire--" I was cut off as the freshly switched body rammed into my, knocking my head off. I rolled down my back, slamming nose first into the floor. "Fuck- Jesus!" I shouted, my head rolling back as my body lurched back and fell flat.

Dust squeaked softly as I held her up off the floor. "Hello!?"

"I'm okay...." I groaned, slowly setting Dust's head down next to mine and settling myself upright on my neck. "I brought- flowers." I groaned, rubbing the bridge of my nose and hazily reaching for the flowers. "I'm...really sorry Cosmic." I groaned, reaching for the angry body, rearing up and trying to bash me.

Dust stared at me, both our heads level, both of our bodies fighting. "...Jason...thank you."

I felt my cheeks burn at her soft gratuity. "Uh...yeah."

Dust's horn lit up, hovering the flowers over towards her. "Hmm, they smell nice." She cooed, nipping one of the flowers and pulling it off the stem. "...Taste...." She cooed, "And what a taste...." She grew a bit pink. "I feel so spoiled."

I stared in awe at the blue eye'd head. Never had I imagined such a different mare being trapped just far enough to way to connect. But now, looming behind me, slowly reeling a hoof back, stood Cosmic, now confined to a headless body and ready to buck my head. "Cosmic...." I whispered, closing my eyes and preparing for the hit. "....I love you."

A hoof tapped against the back of my head, the sound of wood grinding as she stopped herself. Cosmic's hooves tapped hard against the floor, thankfully not kicking me. "She loves you too." Dust stated, chewing on a flower. "She's extremely mad...and you're going to get hurt, but we love you." Dust mumbled, blushing softly. "Oh...oh my...." Dust giggled to herself. "She just realized she has the vagina now...."

I froze, feeling a hoof roll my head to the side. "Wait...wait what?!" I felt myself roll over the floor, Cosmic kicking me towards a door on the other side of the room. "Wait!" I shouted, my body jerking in place. "Wait, Cosmic wait!"

"Happy Hearts and Hooves." Dust cooed, levitating my hand to her head. "Thank you...my hero."

"That's great!" I shouted, "But who's going to save me!?"

"...Not I. I'm actually looking forward to this...a unique experience to say the least."
> Crash
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	My body sat in an over sized tub, resting in a steady stream of water. Dust and my head sat on a large counter, Dust dabbing my cuts and bruises with an alcohol soaked swab. "...Poor baby...." Dust cooed, pressing the stinging cleaner to my face. "...Not exactly what you were expecting...was it?"

"Ow...no...not really." I groaned, rubbing my neck. "...I can't believe she peed on me." I patted my chest, Dust continuing to tend my cuts. "Somehow it's worse than the assault...."

Dust giggled softly. "In all fairness, you did banish her to a mouthless oblivion.... Speaking from-" she stopped herself, lowering her head and closing her eyes, "Oh my...speaking, I'm speaking, this is wonderful.... Um, speaking from experience, living without a mouth or without eyes is rather...horrid." Dust pressed the cold swab against my forehead, sending jolt of pain into my skull as she tended a large cut on my head. "I think perhaps the peeing was a bit much...considering--"

"Ow!" I yelped, my hand shooting to where my head was supposed to be and pressing against the back of the tub. "Jesus, Dust, take it easy!"

"Exactly...." She stated, dabbing my bloodied head. "...I must admit, I thought she was going to use you...but, I suppose her rage is...maybe not- no...no it's justified...." Dust leaned herself over, pecking me on the cheek, "That said...I do appreciate you saving me."

I cringed hard, "She did use me...like a fucking football-- hoof ball, whatever! She fucking kicked my ass!"

Dust giggled softly, "Are you implying you have an ass for a face?"

I glared at the blushing blue eye'd head. "Dust...don't...be nice to me...you've always been nicer to me than her."

"I am being nice!" She cried, pressing the swab against another cut and cleaning off some blood. "And don't be too hard on her.... She's gone fifty years longer than I have, like this I mean." She levitated the swab back, circling her head with it. "She's...adjusting...slowly." Dust looked uneasy. "...She is a...was, and continues to be, a lewd pervert, and a wroth soldier, but she is still just a mare, as I am just...unsure, I suppose I'm a mare...a mind in a body."

"Dust...don't question yourself...ever...." I tried to reach out and touch her, making contact with the shower wall instead. "...God damn...this is just, so disorientating."

Dust nodded. "Indeed, but I must say I'm enjoying finally using the part I was always missing." Dust went back to cleaning off my face, planting pink patterned plasters over my cuts.

"Speaking of- uh...speaking, why don't you sound like her?" I asked, sitting upright and turning off the shower. "I mean, she sounds like a drunk farmer...and you sound like...." I stopped myself, "Uh...an.... Uh...angel...."

Dust's magic flubbed, dropping the swab and a bandage on the counter top. "I- ...We have the same voice...but I- when I was, for lack of a better word, born, we were living in Iron Hoof. It's a very small city, or...it was when we lived there. Needless to say the voices I heard the most were the ponies I was being cared for by. They were kind...but I suppose they're the ones I think of when I try to speak." Dust looked around nervously, her eyes dainty and her glances fleeting. "I'm sorry if you don't like it...."

I stared at her with righteous indignation. "Dust, you sound like...the most beautiful girl on Holland, who...I sadly never dated." I turned towards the mirror, finding myself covered in bandages and lumpy from the bruises Cosmic had given me. "Bitch broke my heart, but...I guess it doesn't--"

"Shh," Dust levitated a towel over to me, cleaning off my face as I felt my way out of the tub. "Maybe don't talk about other mares...."

I found my body upright and slowly dried off. "Dust, what's up with that? You did it to Molly, back at the hospital--"

"As I said...I'd rather not talk about other mares." Dust stated, "...Cosmic may be a pervert and a bandit, but I am...different. We are- it's complicated...."

I finished drying off and picked up Cosmic and myself. "Obviously. But you know her well enough. So, how long is she going to be mad at me?"

Dust locked up, "Uh...there's really not a good answer to that."

"So...a long time?"

"...You have me...."

I walked off towards the room Cosmic had beaten me in. "I know, and I can live without the sex, without the contact, but I really don't want her to be mad at me. I just wish she trusted me enough to not go and, well, murder you."

Dust flicked her right ear. "Well I did agree to try, granted I didn't know what would happen, and I'd much rather not be dead than the alternative." She flicked her left ear against my wrist. "Again, my thanks for saving me. And she will get over it...and we will find a way."

"I know, but how did she do it!? And why did she not tell me!?"

Dust leaned against my forearm, "An incantation. Something used to fuse magical elements, so I suppose that would make Cosmic and I more magical than most." Dust giggled softly, "She always was rather good with magic, before the malnutrition took it from her. But, past is past, we can only look forward now."

"...So, magic glue?"

Dust wiggled her ears as I pushed into the bedroom. "Jason...I could tell you the entire magical affair, but would you understand any of it? Do you know the inner workings of a magical fusing--"

"Dust...I get it, could you just--"

Dust blew her mane out of her face. "Yes...magical glue, or...I suppose welding would be--"

"I get it." I stated, setting our heads down on the edge of the bed and tearing through a few boxes of my clothes. "...Nice of her to pack up my stuff while I was out."

Dust nodded. "She does love you...we both do." Dust leaned her head over, pecking me on the cheek, "You saved us from the woods, it's only fair we repay the kindness."

I found a pair of shorts and pulled them on. "I guess."

Dust closed her eyes. "And she does love you...but she's.... There have been two times her head was removed, both times weren't under her control, and if she had the ability, you would be dead right now."

I sat on the bed, scooching our heads together and laying back, keeping my hand on Dust's head. "I know...but I don't think it would be the same without you. We have a nice little three person dynamic, and I really didn't like the idea of you just...what would have happened to you?"

Dust leaned her head up, schmoozing my hand. "I'm not sure. I'd imagine it would be a bit like dying. Maybe I'd melt away, maybe I'd go to sleep...never to wake."

I felt my stomach drop. "...That's why I did what I did, I mean--"

"Jason, I don't blame you, I've thanked you, and I'm looking forward to spending this night with you." Dust grew a bit pink and refused to make eye contact. "...I mean, maybe I can't give you what I did before...but I think--"

"Whoa whoa whoa!" I pulled my hand off her head. "I- ...Dust I can't...."

Dust shot her head back. "Wait...what?"

I shook my head as much as I could, my neck starting to chafe. "I can't...you, with the voice.... Just...shameful...."

Dust cocked an eyebrow. "I don't understand...you've been with Cosmic, and I...without--"

"I can't.... Hearing you...and, what we could do, I mean I can't. I would feel so shameful for ruining you...." I explained. "I mean, you're like...way out of my league."

Dust cocked her head. "...I- I don't understand--"

"Cosmic is a vulgar perverted little shit. You...you've always been very affectionate, very kind, calm...and your voice, I'd feel like trash violating you...."

Dust looked off to the side. "You keep saying violate or ruin, I'm offering--"

"Yeah...but I'm not worth it."

"Jason, have some self-confidence." Dust flicked her ears, summoning my hand back to her head. I gently ran my hands over her ears as she settled in. "Cosmic and I are the same person, remember that. We're raised different ways and think different things, but in the end we're the same being." She wiggled away from my hand and kissed my palm. "And you should go talk to her. She's mad, she's furious even, but she will calm down, and she will need somepony. Granted you're not a pony...but the idea is the same."

I took a deep breath. "Can't she hear us?"

"She can...but you should apologize to her, not through me." She flicked her ears, staring at me with her icy blue gaze. "It'd have more impact."

I laid back, turning over the kicking myself in the back of the head. "She's stuck like that, isn't she? Like...can you even--"

"If it came to that, I could fuse us. I'm unsure about you...perhaps tomorrow we can try."

I let out a long sigh. "I guess I should go talk to her. She's not going to--" 

Dust flicked her ears. "Jason, she's vented her anger, she's masturbated, she's at a very delicate stage, and you being there right now couldn't hurt."

I rolled onto my back, gathering up our heads and standing up. "Yeah...and it's Hearts and Hooves...."

Dust leaned into my arm as I started down the hall. "Ja, and if we're not going to fool around...due to your insecurities I might add, then the least you could do is comfort a broken heart."

I frowned hard. "It's not like I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to save you, not hurt her!" I shouted, pausing at a door plagued by constant tapping. "When this is all over, when everyone is safe, then we can celebrate!"

Dust mumbled to herself. "When all this is over we're going to have the world...I mean, we don't age."

I nearly dropped my head, my lip itching and causing my arm to try and shoot up to scratch it. "Je- fuck- okay.... Uh, wait, does that still--"

"To my knowledge we don't age anymore. More of a side effect of the severing, but a lingering one after rejoining." Dust nuzzled my arm. "But...right now there's a mare beating herself against a wall, and you have the power to stop her."

"Beating herself against the wall?" I asked, "I don't understand...." I pushed the door open with my elbow. "I- oh...."

On the other side of the room sat Cosmic, slowly bashing the stump of her neck into the wall. She was lost in her own mind, sitting alone in a bedroom, the smell of sweat lingering in the air as she bashed her stump into the wall. It was a pitiful sight, and one the made my heart twist.

"Cosmic?" I asked, walking in and setting our heads on the edge of the bed. "You alright?"

Cosmic stopped, keeping her stump against the wall. She slowly stood up, turning to face me, blood dried onto her hooves. Dust coughed softly. "She's...crying, without...you know." Cosmic walked up to me, staring up at me with her stump. "She's...not happy."

I felt terrible, not even able to hug her properly. I couldn't press my cheek against her, I couldn't look her in the eyes and tell her I'm sorry. "Jason, why'd ya do it!?" Dust shouted, causing me to snap back towards her. Her eyes were glowing slightly, her horn lit up a soft orange and silver. "Jason...I was in one piece...three hundred years...and I was back home!" She shouted, her body stepping onto my feet. "I should have killed you! I should have broken your jaw, kicked your teeth out!"

I shook my head. "Cosmic...I'm sorry."

"No, you're not!" Cosmic stepped onto my feet hard. "You, you're just like the ponies that did this to me! You don't care about me, you just care about yourself, about her, about some creature in my head instead of the mare you said you loved!" I watched in horror as tears slowly seeped from her glowing eyes. "Jason...it was over, why couldn't you just be happy for me...why?"

I felt my heart trying to snap in two. "Cosmic, I'm sorry!" I screamed, ducking down and wrapping my hands around her back, her hooves shooting up and trying to push herself off of me. "Cosmic, please, I'm so sorry...I just--"

"You don't love me! You never loved me, you animal, you freak, you gods forsaken cretin! I was back, I was whole, and you ripped it aw--"

"We'll find a way!" I screamed, tightening my grip and shutting my eyes. "Cosmic...I promise you I'll find a way, we'll find a way!" I dug my fingers into her coat, squeezing her against me. "Cosmic...I'm not leaving you, I'm not going to let you go through this alone!"

"Jason, you hurt me so bad! What makes you think--"

"Because I'm not the ponies that did this to you!" I screamed, feeling tears slip under the bandages on my cheek. "I'm not them...I'm not going to leave you like this, and I won't stop until I find a way to fix this, together!" I nuzzled her as much as I could, "One day very soon I'm going to be able to see you whole, I'm going to see Dust whole! I'm going to make this right, or I'm going to die trying!"

Things grew quiet. The tinkling of magic slowly petering out. "...Did you mean it?" She asked, Dust's voice undoubtable, but her words split between her own and Cosmic's.

I slowly opened my eyes. "I meant every word." I ran my hands up and down Cosmic's back, letting her hooves wrap around my chest. "I promise you, we're all going to see the end of this." Cosmic squeezed me tight, her neck pressing against my shoulder. I slowly popped my eyes open, spotting Dust crying and instinctively clutching the mare tighter. "I promise."

Dust sniffled softly. "...I'm sorry...that was...she's the most emotional I've seen her...it's bleeding over a little." She tossed her mane back. "I'm...truly sorry."

I picked Cosmic up, turning us towards the bed. "Don't be...or...be, either way you're both breaking my heart." I carefully gathered up our heads, myself ending up nose to nose with Dust as we exited the small, dark room. "Seeing you cry makes me feel like such a bastard."

I carried us all down the hall and back into the blood speckled master bedroom. My face was starting to burn again, my arms ached from the weight, my fingers felt like they were going to snap as I clung to Dust and I. By the time I tossed us all into the bed, I threw us all into the soft fabric, my bruises aching and my bandaids peeling off.

I laid down, Cosmic curled up against my chest as I pulled Dust and I together. I laid there, slowly sinking into the bed, Cosmic clutched against my chest, Dust pressing her forehead against my own and humming softly. "Jason...I- hmm."

I opened my tired eyes. "What's wrong?"

Dust shook her head, her horn sliding side to side over my forehead. "An offer for another time...perhaps another life."

I closed my eyes, clutching my mares to me. "Sure." I moved one hand to Dust's lips, gently tugging her lower lip with my thumb. "Dear god...what did I do to deserve this?"

Dust kissed my thumb, "You gave somepony a chance most wouldn't."

I felt my heart jump as she took my thumb into her mouth. "I think I got a little bit more than I deserved--"

Dust ran her tongue over my thumb, letting out a soft moan as she let off. "Jason...self-confidence."

I took a deep breath, watching in awe as Dust suckled at my fingers. "I uh...uh...hard to think...like this."

Dust dragged my fingers over her tongue, opening her mouth and showing me my saliva coated fingers depressing her tongue. The warm wiggly muscle darted between my fingers, causing me to stir slightly. She sucked at my fingertips, letting them drag over her soft lips, saliva trailing down and dripping against her chin. "Jesus...." I groaned, exposed to the show from inches away. "I uh...."

Dust blushed hard, turning away and leaving my wet fingers to sit along her cheek. "I'm sorry...it's not fair to tease you...and perhaps now isn't the time."

I coughed softly. "Uh...yeah, soon...soon though." I dug my fingers into Cosmic's back, pulling her against my chest. I reciprocated for Dust, pulling us cheek to cheek. "Soon, and maybe one day as a set of wholes, and not this sliced up mess that we are."

Dust turned to me, our eyes locked, our head held together tight by my arm. "I'm going to hold you to your promises, as will Cosmic. But...Jason, you're crushing our hoof." She cooed, trying to keep a smile on her face.

I jerked up, feeling her right hoof slide out from under my ribs. "Oh...yeah...."

"Yeah...." Dust smiled, "Thank you."

I looked past the blue eye'd mare face to face with me. "Dust, can you get--"

Dust cut me off, flipping the lights off and nuzzling my cheek with her muzzle. "I've got it." She nestled close, the cold mountain night drawing enough heat away and giving us a wonderfully cozy night. "And Jason, Cosmic, I'm happy to be with you both." Dust cooed, causing Cosmic to rustled the sheets. "Happy Hearts and Hooves day...both of you."
> Eye To Eye
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I shuddered hard as I felt Cosmic's hooves dig against my belt. "Jesus...Dust...this is really weird."

Dust smiled at me, pink along the cheeks. "Oh? You seem to be handling it well." Her tone was still piercing, but so soft, so deceivingly soft. "You didn't seem to have trouble when I couldn't speak...using me to get back at Cosmic, I think." She turned her head, smiling slyly as Cosmic's hooves yanked my pants down. "What makes this so different?"

I took a deep breath, my heart fluttering as I laid back, unable to protest the headless pony crawling onto my body. "It's just weird...I mean, we're in there...getting ready, and we're also you here...just...sitting here."

Cosmic's hooves dug against my thighs, her hooves pressing me skin. "Would you feel better if we were in the same room?"

"No!" I shouted, my neck starting to ache from the limited movement. "That'd be like...watching porn of yourself, live. No...that's just--"

"Well then you're going to sit here, stare eye to eye with me, and listen." Dust pressed her temple against my own, rubbing her head up and down. "I'm interested in being able to see my mate...I feel...connected." She continued to smile at me, blue eyes lock on my own, forcing me to look away. "Jason...look at me."

I took a deep breath through my nose. "It's hard...."

Dust smiled lewdly. "Yes...yes it is." On her words Cosmic pressed her hooves against my rod, forcing the turgid meat against my stomach. "It's hot...hard to the touch." She cooed, "But here I am...sitting with you as if we were angels." She tilted herself over, laying across my cheek, her mane growing softer and more tossed than when Cosmic had the head. "You're so warm." She took a deep breath, blowing air past my jaw. "Remember when you held me? Remember when you played with me? I couldn't thank you then...." She purred softly, an ultra soft pout resting against her lips. "Now...I'll be sure to make up for lost time."

I looked towards the floor. "The shame I feel right now is amazing." I felt my heart jump as Cosmic slid up my body, flicking my tip against her belly and leaning back to push her warm pussy against my cock. "...Stop...purring...."

"No." She cooed, nuzzling my cheek. "You stop...." She mumbled softly, smiling through her satisfied pout. "Be mine...."

I felt my skin flush as she continued to nuzzle me. "Dust...stop...please stop...." I took a deep breath as Cosmic's hoof forced my tip against her lips, the soft squishy texture wonderful against my painfully hard erection. "...Dust...it's going to fall off if you keep doing this...."

"Then I can put it in my bags, keep it forever." She whispered, biting my earlobe. "...Hmm, who is more aggressive, do you think? Cosmic or--"

"You." I stated flat. "It's you." I took a deep breath as Cosmic teased herself with my cock. "Jesus, she's loud, obnoxious, feisty, but you...Jesus Christ above, you're way more aggressive." I tried to look away as the blue eye'd mare pressed her cheek against my head. "...It hurts so bad...."

"I'm sure it does." Dust cooed, blowing past my ear. "Tell me, do I make you aroused? Does it get hard for me?"

I lowered my head, my chin pressing against the pillow we were sat on. "...Dust...why?"

Dust pulled a neatly folded blanket off the living room table with her magic. "Because I love you."

I took a deep breath, coming out as more of a sigh. "...Stop loving me...it's too much...."

"Nooo." She sang, soft and playful, "Yoou."

"No." I whimpered, trying painfully hard to rotate my neck. "You're killing me." I felt Cosmic slowly press her weight down, the head surrounding my tip oozing with juice and lighting up my nerves in seconds. My rock hard shaft twitched and pulsed as Dust's soft coat rubbed against my cheek, and Cosmic's rougher textured body slowly slid down my stomach, her hooves digging against my chest. "Dust...just--"

I felt myself slip inside, cringing hard as Dust let out a low, extremely melty moan. "Oh Celestia above, mhmmm." She pulled back to that oh so pleased pout, her ears falling flat and her cheek pressing up against my own. "Oh gods...you're so hard...it's so hot too...mmm, and big--" I felt my rod bask in momentary bliss, my body trembling as I shot a quivering load into Cosmic. Only one second of unending nerve fraying, blissfully joyful orgasm lead into an immediate dip into sorrow. "Oh!" Dust yelped, eyes flying open, her blush growing bright pink as she stared ahead, mouth popped open in surprise. "...Jason--"

"I told you to stop...." I whimpered, turning away, "...I told you--"

Dust started to laugh, but it was pained, sympathetic. "Jason...no no no no, it's okay." She pressed her head against my own, her horn resting against my forehead. "It's okay...it's alright."

I braced as I felt a hoof trace up my stomach. "She's gonna hit me!" I shouted, waiting for the hit. But the hit never came, "...What happened?" I opened my eyes, spotting Dust with her eyes glowing bright white. "Whoa...what the hell?"

Before long Cosmic popped into thin air, landing with a loud thud on the livingroom floor. "Is she now?" Dust asked, laughing gently. "I think maybe not."

Cosmic scrambled to her hooves, storing over to the couch where we were stuck. She loomed over us, neck as horrifying as an evil glare. "...Cosmic I'm sorry...she--"

"Yes, he came rather quickly, but I remember a time where you were a hair trigger too!" Dust shouted, ears perking up. "A filly, a date, an old fort in Trottingham, hmm?"

I turned away from the arguing pony pieces, "I'm gonna...go study." I carefully slid myself out of bed, blindly touching the floor until I found my pants. "Gotta figure out how to fix this." I closed my eyes and carefully felt my way out of the bedroom. I found the bannister of the unfamiliar house, slapping the wall to get some sense of direction.

"How did you even afford all this?" I asked, feeling my hand glide over a painting frame. "I can't even see it and I know it's expensive."

"Hmm?" Dust asked, turning her eyes towards me. "Oh, Cosmic pimped out your adventure to the north. Cures to diseases, magical transformation spells, simplified spell casting. She kept the important things...world ending or altering sorts of things. And in all honesty, she is- was, Celestia's thumologist for all of a month." Dust nodded, opening her icy blue eyes to me. "I think it's rather nice, but so long as you're here, I'll be happy."

"Stop guilting me!" I cried, "I can't take it! I'm gonna freaking cry!" I felt my eyes start to burn at the sheer shame I felt towards Dust. "...God damn...I just...I can't!"

"Jason...is this--"

"I don't deserve you! This is like some fucked up trick, and as soon as I say, okay let me love you back, you're going to leave me and I'll just sit here like an idiot!" I shouted, running down the blind halls, trying to find my head. "God damn it Dust, you're killing me!"

Dust just stared at me, face as neutral as possible. "Being with Cosmic really hurt your ego, didn't it?"

I took a deep breath, "...Dust...stop, it's just too much."

Dust turned her head slightly. "Do I intimidate you?" She asked as calm as could be.

"Yes!" I shouted, feeling my hand run along the walls.

Dust nodded. "Do I make you aroused?"

"Yes!"

"Excited?"

"Yes!" I continued to answer, my shouts growing more and more neutered. "Dust...you scare me."

Dust nodded. "I can tell, but I can't tell why."

I took a deep breath. "...I have no control over you, and even if I did, I would feel to guilty to impose it." I finally spotted my body, slowly figuring out how to get it over to me. "On the one hand you're throwing yourself at me, which is amazing! But on the other hand, you're throwing a priceless gem to a beggar!" I took a shallow, shaky breath. "You're a ten and I'm like a seven at best, and it makes me feel so--"

"Jason...shut up." Dust spoke soft, but with an authority that could stop a tank. "...You're thinking about this too hard." She leaned her head against me. "I love you...and you love me...now maybe we're going to have some issues in the bedroom, especially if you can't control your trigger--"

"God damn it." I cried to myself.

"But I still love you. Jason, you saved me three times now." She nuzzled my cheek with her chin. "There is no end to what I would do for you, and you've earned it."

"No I didn't!" I shouted, "I was a good semaratin, nothing more, nothing--"

"Jason...you sliced a mare's head off to save me. We've had sex. You saved me from the woods, you didn't send me to be studied like some animal, Jason," She levitated my head around, facing me straight on with her. "I love you...and you feeling guilty about my voice, my movements, any of it, just shows how modest you are."

I shook my head. "It's not modesty...it's fear."

"Of what!?" Dust shouted, her voice still soft, but extremely overwhelming. "Jason, I don't--"

"Of you realizing you're better than me!" I shouted, turning my eyes to the wall. "...Okay?"

Dust cocked her head to the side, "Jason...you're an idiot." She leaned forward, pecking my nose. "I nearly stomped a mare to death for hitting on you, you really think I'm about to cheat on you?"

"She wasn't- wait...at the hospital?" I asked with a sharp upturn in my voice. "Dust she was someone--"

"Did you have sex?" Dust asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Did you?"

I looked off to the side. "Heh...who can tell?" I mumbled, trying to avoid her blue eyes.

"Mmhmm. Jason, you're going to have to get over this." Dust leaned forward, rubbing her nose left and right against my own. "We don't age, and I'm not going anywhere." She make a loud kissing gesture, the noise sharp and sweet. "And you promised me a body. How oh how are you going to deal with me walking with you, brushing by you, will you cum when I touch you?"

I felt myself start to ache again, my rod slowly picking back up. "Dust stop it...."

She looked past me, at my body standing in the doorway. "When I walk past...my flank against your legs, when I push my backside against your groin, will you moan?" She asked, growing pink again, her playful pout transformed into a sharp smile. "When you penetrate me, will you remember to breathe? When you're inside me, when I'm wiggling on the bed before you, praying to be skewered, begging Celestia to make it last forever--"

I felt my cock start to leak pre, the sticky lube dripping from my cockhead. "Dust stop it!" I begged, "Please!"

"When you cum, when that hot load settles in my belly, warm and thick, mmm." Dust closed her eyes and flicked back her ears, her lips in a perfect O. "And when you slip it out...and I clean you off--"

I locked up, my knees buckling as my tip buzzed, my shaft twitching spaztically as it tried to release. "God damn it--" I felt my muscles contract as I dribbled away another shot of thin cum from my quivering, twitching, cock. "...Dust...I'm going to go--"

"Sucking my own juices off of your statue, the curves, the shape, fitting snugly into my mouth--"

"GoddamnitDust!" I shouted, crawling over to my head. "I'm gonna go study magic, figure this shit out! I hopped upright, barely able to stand still with my half cocked gun still dribbling strings of sticky goo. "Just--"

"And when you're ready again-" Dust went on, her blush now red and stronger than ever. "- and you pull my tail to the side, forcing my flanks apart and--"

"Leaving!" I shouted, grabbing my head and turning away. "Just--"

"-you give me a taste...and I try to keep from cumming under your strong firm hands--"

"Fucking sexually repressed head, body, thing!" I screamed, speed walking out of the room. "Oh my god my dick hurts!"
> Guard
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I sat at my desk, my head scanning stolen archives from Storm Side. "...What language is this?" I rested my hand on my crown, my body sitting back in a large swiveling chair. "Reoccurring...hmm...." I pointed out a few symbols. "...But--"

"Jaaasooon." Dust cooed, "Jason, where are you?" She called, a loud squeaking echoing through the hall. "Jaaason?! I'm lonely...."

I pulled a rough breath past my teeth, the dutch mare slowly echoing down the hall. "...Study, I think. Or it's the library." I looked around, the shelves worth of salvage from Storm Side separated into two groups, tattered and already refurbished. "I'm still not really sure."

The squeaking grew louder and louder, a small cart cresting in the doorway. Dust was laying sideways against a pillow atop a cart. She was levitating a stick beside her, using it like an oar to push herself around the house. "Jason...hello." She cooed, happy as could be. "How are you?"

I took a deep breath and picked myself up by the cheeks. "I'm fine." I turned towards the door, slowly walking towards Dust. "...Did you need--"

"Cosmic is jogging...and I'm lonely," She looked up at me, not able to prop herself up. "...Pet me...."

I took a deep breath as I reached her, my socked feet a bit cold against the wood. "...Dust, can you--"

"Hold me...I'm cold." She cried, cringing and feeding off my gut reaction. "You love me, but you're leaving me cold on the ground!? Jason, why!?"

"Stop guilting me!" I shouted, ducking down and carefully picking her up. I placed her and my head under my arms. "My heart can't take it." My voice fell to a whimper once again, the pain of yelling at her too much for my insides to handle. Each time I raised my voice, swore, anything towards her, I felt a gut wrenching guilt build up in my intestines.

I went back to the desk, setting our heads down facing the books. "Well, maybe you can help me." I pointed to the book as Dust tried to roll towards me, ending up sideways on the desk. "These symbols keep popping up in the decapitation notes, you know--"

"Jason...my ear itches." Dust cooed, "And they're cold...I need your hands."

I stopped talking, snorting angrily. "...I know a trick, they used to put gloves on Horses' ears. You want to--"

"Your hands, Jason." She clarified, her voice playful as ever. "Please, before I freeze."

I felt my neck slump forward, my chin bumping against the desk. "...It's fall. It's like...twenty-one degrees."

"Jason...why don't you hold me? Do you not--" I cut Dust off at the pass, picking her up and setting her in my lap. I placed my hands against her ears, rubbing the thin flesh between my fingers. "Aaah, feels so good...." She purred and churrled in my lap, the noises breaking my heart in two. "Jason, I love you."

I felt a vise tighten around my heart. "...Dust...it hurts my heart every time you say that." I looked back towards the book. "So...can you help? I'm trying to come up with a way to sort you two out."

Dust pushed her head up, forcing herself against my palms. "I don't know...I'm quite content right here, laying with you, warm, safe." She nestled into my lap. "My love."

I pulled my hands away, crossing them over my chest. "Aaauagh!" I groaned, leaning forward. "My heart...it hurts...." I rubbed my chest, my fluttering heart beating hard. "Stop...I can't...when you're around I can't even swear, I can't do anything!" I shouted, flailing my arms like an angry child. "I miss Cosmic, I could yell and scream and shout at her and it was just normal!"

Dust leaned her head against my stomach, horn stabbing my ribs. "Why? Swearing and yelling, what's the fun in that?"

I took a deep breath. "It feels good, to get all flustered and yell and shout, it feels good! Getting mad feels good if it's petty, and with her it's just a competition!" I crossed my legs, sandwiching Dust between my thighs. "We live in such calm times, it's just nice to get all fired up and know it's not going to end in abuse or abandonment."

Dust whistled sharply. "I know a way we could warm up, shout and squeal." She giggled, relaxing into my lap. "Jason?"

I stood up, placing Dust carefully next to my own head. I turned away from the desk, slowly lowering myself to the ground and pulling myself into a fetal position. I pulled my knees tight against my chest. I curled up, body praying for it to end. "...Dust...you're killing me...stop, being, nice."

Dust lowered her ears, sporting an utterly heartbreaking frown. "Jason...I love you, why do you want me to be mean?"

"Because your sad face, your kissy face, and your happy face are too nice!" I shouted, turning back to the book. "I feel like I'm tracking mud into the damn Sistine Chapel with you! It's like if I started burning the Union Jack in the middle of Parliament, it's like if I started snorting coke off the back of a stripper dressed as a nun! It's sacrilege! Sacrilege!" I shouted, my body rocking back and forth. "Heresy, worst, I hate, I don't- ah!" I yelped, unable to think straight. "Just, ah!"

Dust leaned back, her neck popping as she stretched. "Honey, I'm starting to think you have self esteem issues."

"No!"

"Yes," Dust sang.

"No I don't! You're slumming it with me!" 

"No I'm not." Dust stated, smiling softly, "I'm happy and safe with the boy I love, I'm in a large house, provided by the same boy--"

"I didn't pay for this!" I shouted, "I was a combat medic, then a tutor, and now...technically I'm unemployed!"

Dust laughed softly, "No...I forget exactly what Cosmic wrote you down as, but it was something like, Royalist Guardspony." Dust blushed softly, "You're not a pony, I know, but the title is held by royal bodyguards and special guardsponies."

I stared at her, "Wait...what, like the Life Guard?" I felt my chest warm up, "Jesus...but I didn't do anything!"

Dust nodded, "You did, would you like me to list what you did?"

I splayed out flat on my back. "...I really didn't do anything. I've been in Equestria like a year and a half, job to job, touring around like an idiot. Last real job I had was in the army, and that was just...hot, sandy, gross, hot."

Dust smiled, "You know, I remember a time when you didn't want to talk about this."

I frowned hard. "I still don't...but you're giving me more credit than I deserve, and that's just as bad as not enough!"

Dust rolled her eyes. "Discovery and recovery of a magical anomaly, safeguard of an anomalous pony, expedition to the far north, recovery of culturally significant artifacts and documents, you were given Celestia's tear because you lost your head--"

"What the hell is that?" I asked, "Uh...What is that?" I fixed my own speech, not wanting to offend.

Dust flicked her head up, tossing her mane off her face. "It's an old medal, but one Cosmic was given, and one she wanted you to have. It's for ponies who were wounded in- um, before we go any further...I actually have a question."

I turned towards Dust best I could, still only catching her with one eye. "What?"

"Why is there no Equestrian military? We were gone from normal society for two-hundred-fifty years, how was it dissolved?" She asked, a bit of dour charm resting on her pout. "I mean, I'm fine if it was for ponitarian reasons, but it seems a bit odd."

I sat upright, "Uh, I actually asked about this." I pushed off the ground and lumbered back over to the desk, picking myself up and turning me towards Dust. "I talked to a guard so, take that for what you will. But uh, he said the military was disbanded after some treaty, and borders opened up all over. Something to do with Saddle Arabia and the Griffon lands, I'm not all that big on your history."

"Hmm, a shame." Dust stated, "I do have fond memories of parades and marching. Ponies in armor and uniform were also a sight to behold." She let out a wistful sigh. "Truly a shame."

I felt my dick shrink back, my body feeling like I was less than a man for not being able to give her an army. "...So...what were--"

"Oh yes, your title." She shot back, looking back to me with a warm smile. "You're one of thirty eight ponies and...I suppose humans now, that guard special ponies."

I looked off to the side. "Well I know you're a special pony...but, can you--"

"The first Kirin, ponies like Starswirled, the princesses," Dust poked her muzzled towards me, "which by the way, we need a gift for them, Celestia is going to come by later and I won't be remembered as that screaming head just because Cosmic has a filthy mouth."

"Dust, off track." I stated, oddly easily given my fear of her. "I mean, that's neat, but I'm starting to get curious."

Dust popped back, eyes wide open, "Hmm? Oh yes yes, ponies that display great power, odd features, are born of hybrid relationships or at least the first. Ponies that are powerful, brave, smart or quick often have guards. Some of them without even knowing!" She chirped, "I spoke with one of them, Flitter, I believe her name was. She's assigned to some pony in Ponyville, the...weather pony I believe. She said, if you saw her, you'd know immediately who she was."

I felt my eyes start to burn from keeping them open too long. "Oh, well then. Wait, so I'm- wait, so you're a special pony?"

Dust scoffed, "I'm in two pieces...I'm also three-hundred years old, with the body of a fresh school filly. I'm very special." She smiled seductively, eyes half lidded, ears back. "And you, you're my boy, my special guard. A lover, a protector, perhaps an idiot, but mine non-the-less." Time went still as she looked at me. "Jason, you're not squirming." She chirped, flying back into her happy demeanor, "...and I smell a sweaty pony...." She looked towards the door.

I took a deep breath as Cosmic walked in, the smell quite strong. Like a mix of gym floor and barn. "I feel...I'm gonna go make sure you're not lying to me, but I feel better, stronger." I picked my head up. "Now sit here, study this book, and I'm gonna go wash this pony, because holy crap!"

Dust nodded, "Well I'm glad you're feeling better--"

"I'm a Life Guard! I feel, bloody brilliant!" I bounced upright, stretching my legs, "Always wanted to be a Guard, just...couldn't stand their bloody hats, and I'm saying bloody, and I'm all hopped up, damn!" I shot my arm out. "Like a shot in the bollocks!"

Dust smiled at me. "So you thought you were just a bum? Jason, I don't hang about bums or vagrants. And, how dare you insinuate such!" She shouted, sharp and happy. "Now please...that smell is--"

"Yeah, I'm gonna go fix this." I turned to Cosmic, the pony body wrapped up in a gross set of shorts and a tight shirt slipped over her barrel. "Oh god...how did you even get that on!?"

Cosmic stamped her hoof, her tail a bit soggy. Dust looked towards me. "Jason...it was awkward to say the least." She looked off to the side. "It's strange seeing your body slowly dress, a bit perverse."
> Short Shorts: Save Me
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Jay- Jason!?" Dust shrieked, the squeaking of her cart racing down the hall. "Jason help!" I turned away from my books, spotting the head row its way past my door, magic and wood hitting the floor as she pulled herself along. "Jason it's after me, help!" I watched as something small and white ran down after her. "Jason, now!"

I rubbed my face, lowering my neck in defeat. "Dust, what's--"

There was a loud crash in the hall, Cosmic steaming down the way like a thunderbolt. "Jason, heeelp!" Dust cried, screaming her head off. "Oh gods help me!" She screamed, leaving my to grab my head and storm out into the hall. "Jason, oh please, for the love of mother Celestia, get it!"

I leaned into the hall, spotting Dust's cart overturned, Cosmic standing off with a small white puppy trying to hop over the cart. "Jason--get it!" She shouted, panic heavy in her voice. "Get it now!"

I let out a sweet groan, "Aw, look at it!" I stepped into the hall, slowly letting my heart melt as Dust levitated the stick up and poked at the puppy. "He wants a friend."

"He's going to eat me!" Dust shrieked, her voice reaching a previously unhit octave. "Help me before it eats me!" She poked at the door, the puppy pawing at the stick and biting it. "It's eating my stick! Oh gods, away from me!"

Cosmic stood next to me, slowly disarming her tense posture. I chuckled softly as I walked over. "It's just a little puppy, it's not going to hurt you." I picked up the sharp eared dog, hoisting it up and tucking it against my chest. "Little thing...wait, you're scared of this?" I held the puppy out, the thing squirming and wiggling in my hand, it's paws flailing as they hung off my hand. "Look at--

Dust's frenzied eyes opened wide. "Gods no, get it away from me now!" Dust flailed her stick at me, screaming and facing the floor, her head half hidden by the cart. "Away right now Jason!"

I smiled vilely. "Hey, remember when you were crawling over me?" I slowly walked the puppy behind the downed cart. "Come here...just a little--"

Dust's eyes jammed shut, her stick flying off as she screamed. "Jason no! No, I don't like it!"

I dropped the puppy down, watching it jump onto Dust's head and play with her ear. "Aw, look at that little guy. Where the hell did he even come--"

"Aaaaah, oh gods no, not like this!" Dust started crying and moaning as the puppy had its fun. "I'm going to die, why!? I don't want to die like this!"
> Short Shorts: Take A Chance
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I tapped my foot, a strange song playing in the air. "...What the fuck, is that fucking Abba?" I said jauntily, "What the hell?" I kept on down the hall, the music slowly getting louder. "Jesus, I can see the hair." I hurried along, Abba hanging thick in the air. "This is before my time, how the hell--"

I flung a door open, finding Cosmic running on a treadmill, Dust bobbing her head slowly on a small table. Dust was wearing a headband, Cosmic sporting a pair of bright white compression shorts and a hooded sweatshirt, the hood hanging over her stump. I continued to look around the oddly well equipped gym. "...Since when did this place have a gym?"

Dust popped her eyes open. "Jason, hello!" She continued to bob her head, her neck undoubtedly pained. "We went to the store, these were on sale." She levitated up the old radio along with a few cassettes. "Marvelous, isn't it?"

I chuckled softly as I tapped my foot to the music. "Holy crap, last time I saw a cassette I was like...thirteen."

"Hmm?" Dust asked with a cock of her head. "What do you mean?"

I felt around my pocket. "I should have kept my phone when I moved here...I knew there wasn't service, so I just sold the damn thing."

Dust frowned hard. "Did you want to go back to your home? We could come along you know." She smiled wide. "You know, we've been alive for almost three-hundred-fifty years now, and we've never left Equestria!"

I shrugged, "I never le- wait...I never left the Island aside from when I moved and when I was in the middle east, but I don't count that." I shook my head. "Too damn hot."

Dust rolled her eyes. "Jason, I'm saying we should go." She looked towards Cosmic as she bolted along the treadmill. "Maybe we can go, and leave this sweaty mess to work out like the meat head she is."

Cosmic tripped, stumbling and rolling on the treadmill before shooting off the back. "Oh shit!" I yelped, setting my head down and running over to her. "Are you--"

"She's fine." Dust answered, "She had it coming. You work out so much you should expect to get hurt."

I slid my hands under Cosmic, trying to grab her but just grabbing dead air. "Yeah but- whoa." I tightened my grip, carefully picking her up, "Um...she's a lot leaner than I remember."

Cosmic took a wobbly step to get her bearings. "Well she's been running and lifting," her words felt like they should have come with huge air quotes. "We were so soft, just squishy enough to be pleasing, and now we're like a r--"

"Body you could bounce quarters off of...." I mumbled, stepping back. I coughed roughly. "God damn...."

Dust cocked her head. "Jason?"

Cosmic turned to me, staring at me without eyes. She slowly tapped a hoof on the ground, turning towards the treadmill and hopping back on.

Dust grew a bit red. "Jason!"

"What?!" I shouted, "It's you, you're both you!"

Dust got a bit flustered, "Well you don't need to get an erection just because!"

I looked down, "Oh...shite...." I turned to the door, still eye to eye with Dust. "Well I can't control that! Speaking of my body, when can I get sewn back on?"

Dust turned away with a pout, "Hmph."

I felt my mouth pop open, "Oh baby don't be like that! I got rid of the puppy!"
> Ideas
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I ran through the boxes of my stuff, Dust out with Cosmic to sort out paperwork at the Canadian Embassy. "Hello?" A sweet voice sang through the entry. "Ms. Dust?"

I hopped upright, nearly knocking my head off the table. "Whoa, uh.... Hello?"

"Hello." The sweet voice returned, "Who's this?"

"Jason Sanders, who's this?" I asked, picking my head up and turning towards the door out of my new office. "God damn this place...too big. Hello?"

"Hello, yes, this is Princess Celestia! Um...do I have to yell?"

I continued down the white halls. "Uh...no, wait...no.... God damn it...." I continued to try and find my way out of the halls. "How am I lost in my own house, screw this!"

"Do you need help?" Celestia asked, her hooves clicking against the floor. "I could--"

"I heard that!" I shouted, following the clicking. "Keep trotting please!" I ran after the noise, head tucked under my arm. I carried on, eventually finding the way out and Celestia standing with a pair of saddle bags. "Oh, ma'am." I snapped to attention, slicing the air over my head with my hand. I stood there, bolt stiff for a few moments. "...It's not the same...." I lowered my hand, "Just, dead air."

Celestia smiled at me from the foyer, watching me as I walked down the stairs. "Well, good to see the money has been going to use." She laughed, looking around the manor. "How are you?"

I shrugged, "Surviving...."

Celestia laughed softly, "Well I'm glad, considering everything that's been going on, it's been a bit hectic."

I laughed, a fake, pained laugh, but a laugh none-the-less. "Lost my head at some point."

Celestia turned away quickly. "Indeed." She levitated the straps off her bags. "Speaking of your expedition...I have to ask you some things."

I watched as she pulled something silver from her pack, stained with dank navy paint. "Oi, is that--"

She levitated a steel mask out, two circular eyes the only features. "I think you know what this is." She levitated it over to my free hand. "I need to know what you know about this."

I took a deep breath, turning the metal faceplate over in my hand. "Yep, this was on...dead me." I felt a sickening shiver rush through my neck. "Still not sure what was up with that."

Celestia looked around. "From the notes you brought back, it's going to become rather common."

I scratched my head. "What's up? I didn't exactly read over what we took."

Celestia took a nervous breath. "Multiple realities, all colliding here, it's going to become a probably unless we find out what happened there. I think the situation in Canterlot is controlled. The way to your home I mean, but if this is starting to leak into Equestria through Storm Side, then we're going to need to remedy that."

I looked at the mask in my hands. "What you do mean? I'm not exactly up to date with the-- multiple...realities...theory."

Celestia cocked her head. "Are you--"

"So...if there was another version of me, that died, then in theory, there could be another version of Cosmic Dust, right?" I carefully strapped the mask to my head, the cold synesthetic straps digging into my hair. "But...there could be one where she never got split...so...I'm going to have to--"

"Excuse me?" Celestia caught my shoulder. "I was actually going to ask you about this as well." She levitated out a near identical mask, the second piece stained with black and red paint, a crude scratched up blade painted on the front. "My...mate, had this with him when he passed through."

I stopped dead, "Wait...so this isn't- so multipul places could be...hmm...." I turned to the window, "That means I could be dropped right on her if we did it right...but...sickness if you go from world to world to world...so...." I snapped around to Celestia, "You mind if I keep this thing?" I tapped the mask with my finger, "It fits really well."

Celestia looked to the side, "Um...alright, but I was thinking, could you maybe tell me about what you found? His accounts of home are quite a bit different from what I've seen on your Earth."

I scratched my head. "The dead me was...a little ragged, had a rifle, so it was either in a war or something else bad."

Celestia frowned hard. "I suspected as much." Her eyes started to glisten. "Hmm, I would have liked to have sent him home...given him what he wanted, but--"

"Probably not a good idea." I flipped the mask down, the inside dark. "...This thing...it runs off--"

"It's electric from my experience, yes." Celestia noted, tapping her hooves on the ground. "I've, had some time with it."

I rapped my finger on the mask. "I'll sort it out. But...now I have a question, could a door between worlds work on Earth? Like...could I do what you did--"

"Discord actually did it." She stated, looking a bit sheepish. "You'd have to talk to him."

I let out a sharp sigh. "I've got a mare with a plan." I smiled wide, so wide my cheeks started tugging at the side. "And now, I've got a plan. What happens next, I have no idea, but I can say, I'm going to unleash something amazing into Equestria." I pulled my head up, flipping up the mask. "Celestia-" I pushed my head forward, giving her a quick peck on the lips. "-I love you."

Celestia took a step back, "Um--"

"Dude, what the fuck!?" A sharp, angry voice cut the air. "That's my fucking wife!" A slightly small man ran in, glaring at me as he stormed over. "Asshole--"

I cut him off, throwing my free arm around his neck and pulled him against my chest. "Fucking love it all!"

"What the hell!?" He yelped, trying to push free. "Let go you psychotic!"

I laughed heartily, "I figured it out! Maybe.... But I still figured something out! I feel so fucking smart, aha!"
> You Should See The Other Guy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I sat on a couch, a collection of body parts surrounding me. "Jesus...this was a mistake--"

"You fucking think!?" Celestia's boy started steaming, bright red in the face, despite him being in about five pieces. "You're a prick, and I hate you!"

Celestia stared at me, and the chunked man. "...I have to agree with Able, this was a bit much."

I scoffed, "Well I would have stopped if he didn't keep hitting me!" I grabbed an arm, laying it down on the coffee table. The hand formed up into a middle finger immediately. "Seriously?"

"Yeah seriously!" Able shouted, his torso slamming it's one arm on the ground beside him. "This is horse shit!"

Celestia tapped her hooves on the entry floor. "This really did escalate far too fast."

I grabbed the arm off the table. "I hug the guy--"

The arm started flailing, the decapitated man glaring at me from beside his laid down torso. "Don't touch me!"

"--and suddenly he punched my head out of my hands!" I tossed the arm onto his gut, "Suddenly I'm the prick!"

The head on the ground stared at my own, resting on the couch. "Are you seriously equating me punching you, to you cutting my fucking head off?!"

The door swung open, "Jason, we're--" She stopped dead, staring at the pile of parts resting before my seating area, Celestia standing off to the side. "...Dare I even ask what happened?" Dust asked, walking in upon Cosmic's back. "And infront of Celestia...for--"

"Who the fuck is that!?" The man screamed, trying to look behind him. "Seriously...I can't see--" Celestia carefully picked him up, turning him around to face Dust. "Oh, you're the one!"

Dust smiled, walking on the other side of the table and body. "I am, and-" Cosmic bowed, Dust doing the same and nearly rolling off her back, "-Celestia."

"...Why do I get the prick one." Able groaned, his head pushed up, as if he was looking down. "Alright, so I'm going to try and be calm. But you need to fix this right, fucking, now!"

Cosmic walked over to me as I picked up a foot. "Jason...what happened?" Dust asked, Cosmic quickly unloading her onto the couch. She rolled next to me, staring at me with those piercing blue eyes. "What happened?"

I looked off towards Able's parts. "I got excited, I figured out a thing, started celebrating and he punched me!"

"No I fucking did--" Able stopped himself, Celestia placing us down on the couch. "Okay, maybe I did! But you kissed my wife, you prick!"

I felt my eyes pop open. "Uh...Celestia is married?"

Dust stared at me, sharing my shock. "...Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with this." Her sweet tone was gone, she was leaving me on my own for this one.

"Uuuuuuuh" I tried to look around the room. "...I had no knowledge of this...I apoligise profus--"

"How-bout' you fucking put my head back on!" Able yelled, spitting in my face on accident, or on purpose, at this point I couldn't really pass judgment.

I looked towards Dust. "... Dust, help me out here?"

Dust stared at me, eyes open wide as could be. "I don't know how to fix this. Cosmic was the one who--" She was cut off, her eyes glowing bright white for a few moments.

Dust's mouth hung open, bright white still spewing forth from her mouth. "Jason, you're a tit." Cosmic spoke, using Dust like a megaphone. "Just wait here, I'll get the damn thing."

Cosmic hurried off, leaving the collection of limbs to wait for her. Dust shook her head hard, her ears slapping against the cheeks. "Whoa- what?"

The room went quiet. I spent most of the time trying to avoid eye contact with the outraged Able. "...So...really sorry about--"

"Don't." He said sternly. "I'm trying to not be an asshole, and you're making it really, really difficult."

I nodded, "Alright...sorry--"

"Stop." He said again, stern as ever.

I folded my hands on my lap, "So...I'll put the blade somewhere where I can't reach it easily--"

"Or, better thought, don't kiss random people!" Able shouted, glaring at me. "Seriously, that's fucking fucked up!"

"I was excited okay! I figure out how to fix this one-" I darted my eyes to Dust, "-and I wanted to share the moment!" Dust just smiled, watching us fight.

Able glared at me. "And!?"

"And you flipped your shit!" I shouted back, falling into my higher pitched accent. "Punched me in the eye, started kicking me and shite!"

Able cocked his head. "What the hell is with your voice?"

I took a deep breath. "Nothing, what's wrong with yours!?"

"My vocal cords are in two pieces, you prick!" He shot back.

I let out a strange groan, defeat mixed with agitation. "Cosmic, hurry!"

"No, screw you! You started this!" Able shouted, my eyes catching halfway to him, landing square on Dust. She was drawing something. "Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you!"

I ignored him, keeping my stare on Dust. "Oi, what you doing?"

Dust looked up at me, a pencil flying across the room as I spotted her. "What?"

I cocked my head, Able's attention shifting to her as well. "You were drawing something." I could see something slid under her neck. "...What the hell is that?"

Dust looked at me, eyes open as wide as possible. "Hmm? What's what?"

Able lit up. "What the hell?! What is that?!"

I glared at Dust, slowly reaching over, "Give me that--"

"Jason don't you dare!" She shouted, her squeaky voice returning. "Jason!"

I held her against the sofa, pulling the paper from under her neck with my free hand. "Dust what is--" I stopped dead, finding a crude drawing of two heads kissing.

Able stared at me, clearing his throat before yelling. "Well!?"

I stared past it, Dust's face bright with blush, Able's pale white. "... It's nothing."

Able glared at me. "What is that thing!?" He looked off to the side. "Celestia, help?"

"Oh screw that!" I shouted, "Bloody--" I jammed the paper into my mouth, the taste of graphite and death hanging on my tongue as I chewed. "Aw god--"

"What the hell!?" Able shouted, staring at me as I ate the picture. "What was it!?"

I swallowed what I could. "Oh god- tastes like hell!" I continued to eat the evidence. "Dust- why!?"

"Because it would be adorable." She clarified, "You're both so angry, seeing the complete--"

"I'm not angry!" I shouted, finally finishing off the note, tears in my eyes. "I'm- I don't know, but I'm not angry."

"I'm pretty god damn angry...." Able muttered, his snide glare directed between us. "Celestia...this is why I wanted to stay home."

Celestia walked up to the couch. "I thought you could talk with him, I didn't expect this."

I coughed softly, "That would have been nice," I mumbled, watching as Cosmic came back in with a weird ring on her back. "I don't talk with other humans as--"

"Nope, not talking to you ever again after this!" Able shouted, "I'll find someone else, or just stick with ponies, but you can fuck off!"

Cosmic and Dust slowly sorted each other out, body parts falling to the ground. "Look I said I was sorry!"

I watched a hand fly into the air, "Sorry's not gonna cut it!" Able screamed, flailing his arms. "Look at me! I look like a bomb victim!"

"Hold still please." Dust asked, a ring glued to her horn. "Like this?" She asked Cosmic, the decapitated pony nodding her neck in return. "Alright...."

I watched as Able's head zoomed around the table, "Look mate, I'm really sorry--"

"Shut up." He snarled curtly, not really as angry as before but extremely fed up. "Just don't talk to me again, ever." After a few flashes of light, he rose, pieced together. "You...blue eyes, you're alright." He pointed to Dust, waggling his finger, "But this guy...keep him in two pieces!"

Dust smiled at him. "Of course, he's not ready to act like a big colt, he can stay as a hoofstool." Cosmic slowly escorted the princess and the lunatic towards the door. "I'm sorry our meeting wasn't exactly perfect, I'll make tea next time!" Dust shouted, smiling all the while. She turned to me with a dirty grin. "You two would make an adorable couple--"

"I'm not gay!" I shouted, "You know I'm not--"

Dust flicked her head, forcing her mane out of her eyes. "I can have fun. Besides, two humans...mm, I like that idea." She grew a bit red. "Who would be on top? He's a bit short to--"

"No!"

"I wonder who would moan first--"

"Stop it!"

"Oral or anal? What position--"

"Dust!"

"Am I being a naughty mare?" She asked, her smile wide as ever, "You'll have to punish me for naughty thoughts. Or you can leave me, dripping from your new friend's ideas. Oooo, be so cute togeth--"

"God damn it Dust!" I screamed, my legs crossed hard. "Stop it!"

"Make me." she cooed, "Put something in my mouth, maybe I'll stop talking." Her smile fell into a pout, "Mmm, I don't know why...a homosexual human seems...tasty--"

"I'm gonna toss you in a bin, a cupboard or something!"
> Border Complications
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Um...I don't really know what to do here."

"Yeah, this is weird."

"Weirder than the griffon thing?"

"Way- way weirder."

I watched the border workers as they stared at my I.D. "So...can we let him through?"

A second guard rubbed his chin. "It's him, I mean...fingerprints and everything check out."

The first nodded. "We should send somebody across first, let them know what to expect."

The second pressed his hands against his desk. "Hey, can I take a picture of this?" He asked, pulling his phone from his pocket. "They're not gonna believe me otherwise."

I let out a long sigh. "Well get my wife in here. Might as well kill two birds with one stone."

The guards looked down at their computer. "Uh...wife--"

"Girlfriend, mare friend, friends, whatever you want to call it!" I crossed my arms, my head sitting on the guard's desk. "I haven't exactly had time to make this shit official!"

"Sir please don't swear at--"

"I've been waiting over an hour! Sort it out!" I shouted, one guard staring at my head, the other at my chest. "I wasn't even supposed to be in two pieces...."

The guard looking at me nodded. "It would have made this a lot simpler."

"Well if it makes you feel better I'll probably be in one piece when I come back." I stated, watching the second guard go for Cosmic Dust.

The first guard continued to stare at me. "It's like you're trying to ruin our records."

"Can I go through or not?" I put my hands on my hips, ignoring the feminine pose. "Honestly, I'm trying to fix this and you're making it more difficult."

The guard shook his head. "I really don't know what to mark this as. I really wish I could figure this out, and we could probably claim your body as baggage...uh...I think." He tacked away at his keyboard. "Yeah, that works."

I rolled my eyes, "This is worse than London International."

The guard started to laugh. "Oh god, could you imagine going through an airport like this!? This isn't a very high security place, and you're having this much trouble!"

I felt my shoulders grow heavy. "Oh...I'm gonna be stuck in Canada, aren't I?"

The guard nodded, "You might make it into the U.S. but you're not getting on a plane like that."

"Bugga." I muttered, picking my head up from the desk. "How much longer is this gonna take?"

The guard looked up at me. "Not sure. Today's been a weird day, we just had a bunch of foals, like, eighty foals, head through. Everyone is kinda on edge, and this is just weird." He looked up at me, watching me plop down on a seat in the security room. "Did it hurt?"

"No."

The guard continued to type. "So...you're with a pony?"

"Yes." I crossed my legs, setting my head on my lap. "How's it looking?"

The guard looked up at me. "Huh? Oh, no I'm done. We're just waiting for your friend."

"Wife--"

"Pony." He shot back, staring at me. "I think it's easier if we just call her your pony."

"Ponies." I corrected.

"Then shouldn't it have been wives?" The guard asked, peeking out from behind his computer.

I stared at him, "How are you a border guard?"

The man stared at me, completely devoid of emotion. "I applied."

I pressed my lips shut. If I said anything I would explode. Between Dust's childishness and this guard's unintentional provocation I was about to lose it. "How much longer?"

A second guard came in. "Okay...she has two passports." He walked up to me. "This just got a whole lot more complicated."

I held back my rage. "How much--"

"I marked him as cargo." The first guard stated, continuing to stare into his monitor. "Where's the pony?"

The second guard looked at me. "Uh, she's waiting on the other side."

The first guard stood up. "Well, I think we're done here. Go ahead and take him through."

The second guard waved me over. "Alright then. She already took your bags over. You're all that's left."

I stood up, snorting angrily. "Thank you." I walked towards the door. "Have a nice day." I hissed through gritted teeth.

"Ya have a wonderful day, come back soon." The first guard called, her voice stirring my rage to a new degree.

I took a deep breath as I walked through the corridors towards the portal. "All this just to go home."

"To Canada." The guard fixed my complaint. "Said you're from the UK."

"Shut up." I hissed, "Seriously, can I just head through?"

The guard pointed past me, towards the portal. A blue glowing wall waiting for me, "Yeah, go ahead. Mind your step."

I groaned loudly, carrying my head through. "Hate this place." I stepped through, my skin tingling with static as I walked from Equestria back to Earth. Cosmic was wrapped up in a pair of sport shorts and a tank while Dust wore a set of oversized sunglasses and a hat. "Where are the bags?"

Dust looked over at me. "Oh, they are really nice over here. They already called a cab and the bags are getting packed."

I stared at her. "...Did we just get robbed!?"

A man in a black suit walked into the dull concrete basement. "No, your bags are in holding. We're going to have to take full account, reports said you're carrying valuable equipment estimated over several million. So...grab a pen."

I felt something in my brain snap. "God please no."

The man cocked his head. "Sir?"

"Please, no more paperwork. Please, just- I'm so sick of sitting around!" I pleaded, walking with the man and Cosmic. "Please, for the love of god just let us--"

"It's a safety concern--" Dust cut him off, taking out a neatly folded piece of paper. "What's this?"

Dust smiled, "Full manifest and itinerary." She levitated out a few more notes. "Contact information and of course next of kin."

The man looked at the notes. "Oh, wonderful. Follow me and we'll see you through."

I ran up to Cosmic, grabbing Dust off her back. "Thank you, thank you so much!" I cried. "Dust, thank you."

She smiled, accepting her place under my arm. "Of course. I enjoy a bit of fun and play, but I know how to be an adult."

I felt my lower lip tug, a frown settling on my face. "So do I. I've just never been good with planning trips." I watched the dull concrete walls slowly bleed into Equestrian filled offices. "Went to Spain once, almost got lost twice."

Dust hummed softly. "Leave the planning to me, you just be there when I need a brave stallion to take care of me." She smiled, blowing air past my fingers. "Might want to learn how to cook. Cosmic can't and I've never worked with my hooves."

I focused on the walk. Moving through the Equestrian embassy. "Hey so, how are we going to figure out where to do this?"

Dust smiled. "Cosmic and I did some research, we need to go to a place called Buffalo." She giggled gently. "How nice of you to name a city after them."

I kept on walking, going through a few detectors and passing a griffon with our bags. "Why Buffalo?"

Cosmic was waiting just outside the last room of the embassy, the griffon slowly ferrying our bags outside. Dust whistled to catch my attention. "If we're right, there's a few different ways we could move into Equestria. And I want to see this, Niagra thing."

I frowned hard. "We're sight seeing?"

Dust laughed, my stomach grumbling at the noise. "Well if you do play hero, I'm going to enjoy myself afterwards. Now come, sooner we arrive, the sooner you can play with the multiverse."
> Hotel
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I held Dust in my hands. "Dust...don't be mad at me--"

"I'm not mad." Dust puffed out her cheeks. "You just told me my ideas aren't good--"

I took a deep breath and walked Dust over to the edge of the hotel bed. "There are times in my life when I've been right." I set Dust down next to my head and put my hands on my hips. "Niagra Falls is just as good, if not better, than Buffalo."

Dust didn't turn to me. "Yes, but I wanted to see Buffalo!" She swung herself towards me, puffing out her lips and staring into my dome. "Such a nice name...it would have been wonderful."

I stared at her. "Americans all killed their buffalo...just, for the record."

"What!?" Dust popped her eyes open wide as I spoke. "I- how could they!?"

I coughed roughly, my hand shooting up to my lack of a head. "To...wipe away their natives." I shook my head. "My American history isn't great, but I think that's the gist."

Dust stared at me, starting to frown. "Jason...I don't want to go to Buffalo anymore."

I nodded. "Well good, because neither do I."

Dust stared at me, still frowning. "Kiss and hug? I need somepony to hold me right now...." She held her eyes open wide, letting them get a bit glassy as she watched me move. "Sam...hug me."

I bit my lip. "I'm not sure I should. You've been really mean to me lately--"

"I play with you!" Dust shouted, holding her mouth open with a hurt frown. "I would never hurt you."

I shook my head, burning my chin on the hotel sheet. "You do though. You're very, I'm a girl, I can get away with it." I looked out the window at the vast tracts of Canada. "You're good at being that girly guilt trip, but bad at reeling it in."

Dust gasped loudly. "Jason! I only ever play with you--"

"Yeah well it gets old some times." I felt my lips stiffen. "I'm about to go crusading across the multiverse to help you both! And you just keep playing the cat to my bloody mouse!" Dust used her magic to pull us together, rubbing herself against my cheek. "Don't--"

"I'm sorry...." Dust cooed, keeping her ears back. "I don't mean it--"

"Don't tell me to punish you! I'm not- wait...." I popped an eye open and watched the pony nuzzle under my chin. "You're not--"

Dust continued to coo softly and rub up against my side. "I've been so long without a mouth...and you act funny when I play with you." She kept on with her warm mumbles and whispers. "I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."

I plucked the pony head from the bed and cradled her in my arms. "I don't hate you, I wouldn't be here if I hated you. I wouldn't have ripped Cosmic in two again if I hated you--" The door flung open like mad. "Hello Cosmic."

Cosmic slowly pulled a sledful of magical equipment into the room. She stopped half way and tapped her hooves on the ground, signalling a hello. "Cosmic say hello." Dust mumbled, peeking over my arms at the now fit pony. "Stop staring at my flank, Jason!"

"I'm not!" I stared at my pony in my arms, half a room away. "I've been looking at you!"

"Aww." Dust nuzzled in against my arms as Cosmic started to scatter our hotel room with tools, tossing them onto the fine carpet and across the bed. "You should still stare at my flank so I can tell you to stop-- Ow ow ow ow--"

I pinched her ear hard, tugging at the hair along its tip. "See, that's what I'm talking about!"

"Ow-ow-ow-ow!" Dust sank into my arms as I pinched her. "Jason stop!"

I rubbed the thin skin between my fingers and eased up the pressure. "Well...ya just need to slow down with all the prodding and mean and such."

Dust looked up to where my head should be. "I'm not mean!"

I rolled my eyes and turned to watch Cosmic work. "You poke and prod me, you tease me, and you're constantly--"

"I said I'm sorry...and I did mean it." Dust settled into my arms, turning her chin forward to look at me hanging off the edge of my wrists. "It's hard to tell when you're actually mad and when you're just playing too." She turned slightly and kissed my forearm. "I'm sorry."

I sighed softly and went back to watching Cosmic lay out old metal artifacts. "I know. But you really need to cool it just a little." Cosmic kept to her work, sorting out her tools and filling the fancy room with tenth century. "So, what's the plan here?"

Dust turned and joined me in my pony watching. "Not sure. Sending you through worlds to fine.... Jason, what exactly are you looking for?" She turned to me with a single raised eyebrow. "I understand what you're trying to do, but I don't see how you're going to do it."

I looked out as Cosmic slowly propped up a strange picture frame we'd taken from Storm Side. "Step one, go to new dimension. Step two, find other versions of you. Step three, fix- wait.... I can't bring...worlds-- Shit! Fucking rift sickness would happen right?!"

Dust looked towards Cosmic as she pushed a bunch of metal bits into place around the painting frame. "I'm not sure. I know what you're trying to do and it might work." She made a soft frown. "To be honest, I don't see another option."

I sighed loudly. "Well, I should probably be in one piece for this, right?" I walked Dust back next to me and turned to face Cosmic. "Just for safety's sake, right?"

Dust looked over at me with a smile. "Oh no, you really think you'll be able to convince us to come with you as some strange alien creatu--" A loud electric crack filled the room, showering me in static. "Oh my-- ow!" Dust's horn fizzled and sparked, shedding the excess electricity. Cosmic was staring at the glowing frame, rubbing her chest with a hoof. "Well, I hope you're ready."

"No--no, what were you going to say!?" I shouted, starting to feel a burning in my chest. "Don't just stop talking when a magical portal is opening in our hotel room damn it!"

Dust turned to me with a quizzical look. "Hmm? Oh, I was going to say you'll have better luck convincing a headless mare that you're right, when you two are headless." Dust smiled at me. "Just a thought."

Cosmic walked over to my body and started playing with my hand. "Snarky bitch!"

"Don't call me a bitch, Jason! Not unless you're going to push my head down and skewer me, I'm not your bitch!" Dust grew a bit pink as she spoke. "Now are we going to go to the falls and take pictures, or are you going to go save me?!"

I felt something wrap around my finger as Cosmic stepped back. "I'm saving Cosmic too. And she's...well, not less mean, just more understandable mean." I rubbed my wrists as the glowing picture frame started to grow brighter. "So, how does this work? Am I just going to--"

Dust nodded. "Just walk through it when it's ready." Her horn slowly lit up, glowing orange. "Um...that's not- Me!" Dust's eyes glowed bright white as something shot from her horn into the picture frame. I jerked myself away, still not quite used to my mare shooting magic from her face. "Wah?"

I stared at the picture frame, watching as it started to glow bright purple. The lights in the hotel room went dim as Cosmic stood next to my body, looking into the fluctuating portal. "Um...Cosmic, what the hell?" I asked, picking up my head and turning to the slowly dimming doorway. The picture frame was just big enough for me to fit through it ducking down, but having it leaned up against a set of counters meant I'd be crouch walking into whatever alternet Equestria was on the other side. "Uh...so, what--"

Dust shook her head, slapping herself with her ears. "Ow, my head...." She shot a few sparks from her horn. "Oh, it worked!"

I stared at the now silver window stretched across the frame. "Um, you sure?" I turned towards Dust, finding her making a strange celebratory face. "Dust?"

"Hmm? Oh, it might not work Jason. There might be something wrong with the universe, like...I might be a man, you might be a woman. I might have died when they cut my head off, it's all possible. So, if the universe doesn't work out, just go ahead and come back through and we can try again."

I turned back to the now glowing painting. "Oh, it's that easy. Fuck you universe, you're not good enough, I'm gonna go home and pretend you never existed."

Dust shrugged. "Pretty much. And when we're done, I'm going to register us on the falls." Dust smiled wide. "Maybe my reasons for being here aren't exactly all that innocent, but how could you say no?"

I felt my cheeks burn slightly. "Register? Are--"

"Yes. At least for me. You can propose with a body, and who knows, maybe Cosmic will say yes when she gets her head back!" She smiled wide, eyes closed, face bright. "Now, I think you've got worlds to explore."

I rubbed my face. "Uh...I'm not sure making wedding plans--"

"If you love it put a ring on it." She sang, bobbing her head slightly. "Human music sounds like a bunch of noise, but if that's the lesson, I'll take it to heart."

I grumbled softly and turned to the portal. "Man is supposed to propose, not the woma--"

"Oh stop your grumbling and go have fun. Go find me in the woods again, be my hero again."

I stared into the strangely liquid portal. "If I die--"

"You won't die." Dust stated with utmost confidence. "If you die, I'll have to kill you for dying."

I sighed and ducked down towards the portal, static clinging to my arms as I neared. "Sure. Well...here we go--"
> Snow
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I looked around, the world bare white. "Uh...hello?" I walked around, slowly letting a chill wash over me. The pure white world, icy and barren, had nothing but cold to offer. "Anypony?" I looked back at the glowing silver doorway, impossibly thin but a wide enough to dive back through. "Anyone?"

"I don't think you belong here--"

"Holy shit!" I jumped to the side, my head nearly falling from my hands as I stumbled in the snow. "Who!?"

An elk with a multicolored mane stood before me. "...You really don't belong here, now do you?"

I brought my hand to cover my face. "Uh- ... Celestia?" I brushed some snow off my chin. "...Why are you a deer?"

The elk  looked me up and down. "How do you--"

"Long story." I stood up and brushed my head off. "I mean...I guess it's not that long, it's just a bit unbelievable."

The elk cocked an eyebrow. "You did just drop into my garden, from that-" she pointed a hoof towards the portal home. "-how unbelievable can it be when I'm looking at it?"

"Hmm, good point.... Fine, I'm not smart enough to properly explain it." I put my hand in my pocket. "I leave the crazy science world tearing stuff to my mare."

The elk looked down at the portal. "Hmm, you mean doe?"

I felt a sour look grow over my face. "Sure...deer crap and such...." I looked around the blank white world. "Well, I don't think I'm going to find what I'm looking for here. Was nice meeting you." I waved at the celestial maned deer.

The deerlestia's tail waggled about. "You tore open the fabric of the universe, came in and talked to me, and now you're just going to leave? I don't think that's really fair to Ellek...."

I shrugged. "I'm trying to save my wife- uh...girl- mare- ...person I love--" I tried to slap myself, only slipping through the air over my stump. "... Persons."

Deerlestia chuckled into a thin hoof. "Sounds lovely, but I'd like it if you stayed for some sort of talk."

I smiled at her. "Honestly, it is lovely. Bit of a struggle to break the uh...visceral aspects of her. Sex, communication, and literally starved." I felt something slip into my stomach like a lead weight. "Actually...I really need to go find her. Uh, does Pon- actually I guess it would be Deersville, right?"

Deerlestia smiled at me. "Are you sure you haven't been here before? We've had one other portal--"

"Look, in a hurry, mare to save. But you should look in the woods to the north of Deersville. Go at night, there's gonna be a headless mar- doe, and a head to match, she's lovely, bit surly at times but still lovely. Go save her--"

"Why don't you?" Deerlestia flared out a set of wings. "I could take you, I'm not doing anything else and Twilight is sorting my paperwork for the month."

I stared at Celesdeer, digging my teeth deep into my lip. "I really need to go find a pony world.... I just--"

"You'd be doing me a favor." Deerlestia flapped her wings. "Royal duties can be rather boring, and its been fifty years since a dimensional traveler dropped by."

I frowned hard. "...I need to go.... Stop making this difficult."

Deerlestia rolled her eyes. "I've had my share of adventuring, met myself a few times. Thousands of years ruling and you learn how much fun you could have had."

I felt my right eye start to water. "...God damn it...." I slumped my neck forward. "I can't.... Wife to save." I stepped back towards the portal, the snow starting to seap into my legs. "I'll come back deer lady! I promise, I will ride you like King Arthur!"

"Who?"


***


I let out a long sigh as I stepped back into the hotel room. "That wasn't the right one."

Dust looked up at me, Cosmic left sleeping on one of my shirts atop the hotel bed. "No? A shame." Dust's horn lit up, flashing the portal closed. "Next--"

I held my head up, holding it where it should sit. "Hey, is there any way to like, go back to these universes?"

Dust smiled at me. "Jason, are you having fun in those worlds?"

I sighed loudly. "I met a deer version of Equestria.... You dropped me in Canterlot and Deerlestia offer to take me to save your deer version."

Dust cooed loudly. "Aww, that's so sweet! Did you--"

"No, I told her where to find you- her- person. But I mean, we gotta fix this first. And the faster I move, the more headless ponymare I save!" I held my head like Hamlet held the skull. "We have to do this!"

Dust smiled at me. "Wonderful, oh, but no. Finding the same universe twice would be like finding a needle in a haystack." Her frown faded rather quickly. "Speaking of haystacks, hungry?"

I sighed loudly and pulled my head back to under my arm. "A little. I'll find something on a trip."

Dust smiled. "Well then my hero, go." The portal lit up again. "I'll be waiting."

I rubbed my eyebrow, nearly pushing myself out of my own grip. "This is gonna take a while, isn't it?"
> Sand
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I stared out over the nothingness, blinded by sand. "God damn it...." I tucked my head partially into my jacket, trying to stop the sand. "...There's gonna be sand fucks here...I know it." I looked around again, sand spitting against my face. "...Muslim Dust...."


***


I stepped back through the portal. Dust watched me move in, Cosmic trying to stretch on the floor. "Jason, how--"

"Close it." I tossed my head onto the bed, having since been pushed off to the edge of the room. "I'm not going back there."

"Jason?"

"I can tell what I would find, and I don't want to deal with some god damn turban wearing horses!" I crossed my arms, face buried into a pillow. "I cannot deal with some Arab version of you! I won't!"

Dust cocked an eyebrow and slowly levitated my head upright. "Jason...."

"No! I won't negotiate with terrorists--"

"Jason."

"No, Dust, I hate them and I won't--"

Dust lowered her eyebrows, glaring at me. "Jason...."

I let out a strange cry and stormed over to my head. "Fine! But she's not coming back with me! The fish world was bad enough, but I'm not going- I- see I can't drop you off with any stallion! Fucking ass raping camel fuck--"

"Jason, really!?" Dust's voice turned stern for the second time in her life. "I think you should see someone--"

"Bloody suicide bomber shits!" I crossed my arms, my head resting against my belly. "I don't like them, I never will! Just.... Too many times they brought me to help with IED victims...I cannot socialize with them, I can't." I let out a sharp huff. "I ever tell you what I did in the army? Combat medic." I felt a hot sensation rush across my skin. "Every time it was an IED, legs gone, shrapnel in some poor bastard's leg or liver, and those god damn muzzie fuckers just standing off to the side, gawking!"

Dust frowned softly. "Jason, do you want a hug?"

I sighed softly. "...After I come back...." I turned back to the portal. "I'll go save Muslim you... against my will!" I stared at the portal, knowing the sandy hell I would be drudging through. "Bloody.... I need a sheet."


***


I stared out the sand blasted palms, a dusty trail bordered by piles of sand. I had hastily wrapped my head in a sheet to keep the sand out, and blind as a drunk I walked along what I assumed was the right place. It fit the bill, a path up a mountain, trees, the same curves and bends in the road.

I followed the path, deeper and deeper into the palms. It felt natural, an old trodden path from my time back in Ponyville. "God damn this place.... Devils asshole." I kept along the sandy road up towards what should be the falls. The green world of Equestria topographically correct, but utterly wasted and burnt to a crisp.

"Okay...should be, here right?" I slid between a pair of palms, the space between them making the trek much easier. I pushed along, tree by tree, sandy foothold after sandy foothold. "Dust!? Cosmic!? Any--"

"Bonjour!? Qui est là?" A French girl with a heavy German accent cut the howling winds.

"French? What?" I carried on, my shoes sinking into the soft sand. The wind was cut by the mass of palms and brush, and a loud rustling came from the center. "Uh... bonjour?No...polyvou francie? I say that right?" I carried on, the trees giving way to a small oasis, palm brush and desert shrubs surrounding the open sand that surrounded the waters edge.

"Ce que vous êtes?" Cosmic was sitting under a bushel of palm fronds held up by some sticks. "Répondez-moi!"

I let out a long sigh and walked over. "Great...I guess it's better than akbar akbar." I drudged through the water of the oasis, slowly walking towards the mare under her makeshift pavilion. "Let's see.... Je suis un ami."

Cosmic looked me up and down. "Vous êtes un ami? Vous êtes un monstre."

I shook my head and sat down next to her. "That's not nice. I think...." I sat my backpack down and unraveled my head from the sheets. "Here, food." I set and apple down before her head. "Manger."

Cosmic looked over at me. "...Allez-vous me tuer?"

I shook my head. "No? It's not going to make you sick." I rubbed my face. "God damn, I know you too well." I watched the edge of the clearing. "Damn... come on Jean, you were supposed to be a good teacher." I sat my head in my lap. "Je vous prends , ville, vous toute sécurité."

Cosmic looked up at me. "Quoi? Ville?"

I rubbed my stump. "You, town, safe. Saf-- oh fuck this." I stood up and pushed her cover over. "Operation rescue French." I plucked the half panicked mare and wrapped our heads in the sheet. "Glad you don't reek of Iraqi cum or cheese."

Frenchmic just kept yelling into my ear as I tried to orient myself. "Je vais vous tuer!"

"Yeah yeah yeah, tour vous eh neh neh. I don't speak French!" I spotted something in the bushes. "Hey, hey body, Dust!"

"Comment savez-vous mon nom? Comment savez-vous mon nom!?"

I turned my head in the bag, face to face with the French mare. It was Cosmic, body and mind, unchanged aside from a slightly paler coat. "Because we've met before, and I love you...." I looked off to the side of the dim bag, the mare glaring at me and bearing her teeth. "Jason, you're an idiot." I turned my head and kissed her nose. "Amore."

Cosmic's mouth snapped shut in an instant. "Non--"

"Oui."

"Non! Je ne vous connais pas!"

"Yeah well I know you. God knows I wouldn't be in this stupid desert if I didn't." I looked around, already with Dust over my shoulder. "Oh. I should probably be worried, because I wasn't controlling myself this whole time."

"Pourquoi tu me as embrassé?!"

I let out an angry huff. "Better than akbar, remember that Jason, remember that."


***


I walked back through the portal. "I'm back. Learned some French by the way." I tossed my head down into Cosmic's belly, the room dark and the mares half asleep. I felt Cosmic's hooves wrap around my head, her soft coat warm against my ears. "Dust, you awake?"

"Just resting my eyes."

I closed my eyes, letting my body move free. "Dust, you were German, speaking French." I felt my body rest against the floor. "Today has been a weird day."

Dust let out a long yawn. "I-ahh, I can imagine." I felt my fingers wrap around Dust's head and bring her to my lap. "Jason, you're not moving your arms are you?"

"No." I opened my eyes, letting the rest on the soft cream hotel wall. "I think the whole universe jumping might be speeding up the whole alternate personality thing."

It is.

A thick German voice rattled around my head. "Dust, did you just hear Hitler?" 

Hitler? I'm more refined than that murderer.

I let out a long sigh. "Dust...he's German."

I could feel Dust look up. "Who?"

Go on, tell her.

"My body."

"Oh Jason...."

I let out a long sigh. "I kn--"

By the way, I'm not taking your last name. George is a strong name, better than Jason.

I felt my eyes start to burn. "My body just insulted my name. Dust make him stop."
> Boys Club
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I walked through the woods with George. "So...you're like, talking to me in my head, right?"

George let out a sharp sigh, Yes. Now maybe we can focus on finding some bodies?

"Bodies? You want--"

Sorry, body. I trust that if we fix those two, they'll figure something out for us. Returning the favor, if you understand.

I looked up at my neck, a lovely breezy set of trees sitting behind him. "If you understand, I understand. Same person, you prick."

Oh, I'm the prick? You're the racist, not me.

I huffed angrily as we walked through the same path yet again. "No, you're just the pompous one."

We walked into the same clearing, a head laying asleep in the grass. You know, I'm looking forward to being rid of you. You and those mares.

I felt my eyes pop open. "What?"

We stepped over to Cosmic. Oh yes, I'm not staying with you! God... life with a bigot, a surly girl from York and a psychotic with a domination fetish. No, I think I'll go explore.

I looked down at the passed out head. "Oh...well." I scanned the head, a masculine jaw, worn out eyes, tired, beaten down, but strong. "So my body hates me, and this is a stallion's head."

Oh, is it? ... Oh piss. George hurried down and scooped up the head.

"Snrk- what?! Who's there, I'll fucking kick your ass--"

"Save it." I shot back, watching George place the spare head under his arm. "Gonna go get you a home."

Oh how heroic.

The stallion looked towards me. "Um...I- uh.... I'm unsure how I should--"

I turned to the orange eye'd stallion. "Look, I'm decapitated, you're decapitated, I knew where to find you, and I know where to fix you. Now are you really going to sit there and shut up!" I felt a bit of spit fly from my mouth. "I've got twelve different worlds I've hopped through today! So you sit the fuck down, and shut up!"

The stallion head just stared at me, slowly growing a bit of a blush. "Uh...sure." He turned to face straight ahead. "So...can--"

"Jason! Now sit there quietly and shut up! We'll stop for lunch in Ponyville...." I turned to look up at George. "George, you got money?"

Why would I--

"Check your pockets."

George stopped on the road and slid his hand down, keeping me pinned under my own armpit. Your clothing choi- oh...you do have money.

Cosmic looked over to me. "Uh...to--"

"Where's your body? We're gonna go get fucked up!"

Cosmic stared at me. "I'd rather actually--"

"Lunch and beer and terrorizing the natives!"


***


I rolled along the floor of the hotel. "Fuck...George, you drunk."

George's hand popped out of the portal, slowly pulling itself along through the glowing doorway. I'm trying! Piss...I feel like a tuna.

Dust looked down at me. "Jason, you reek of beer."

I looked up, my vision blurry but I could always tell that blue set of eyes. "Dust, you were a man! I fuckin- I kicked you in the b- no, George kicked you in the balls!"

Cosmic slowly trotted into view, standing over me with an unseen frown. Dust peeked at me, her left ear laying across her crown. "Jason, do you really think it's a good idea to drink in--"

"Man...boy you had a small dick...." I laughed to myself as George tripped on the doorway and slapped down against the ground. "Is that why you're so mad? Like...what's the thing with small genitalia and anger?" I felt myself tip onto my cheek as George pawed at the carpet. "Fuck...I don't mind if your pussy is small...."

Dust cocked an eyebrow. "I'd imagine not. Do you need to take a break?"

I let out a long groan. "I just wanna find you...like, a nice, normal version of you. One that doesn't speak French, one that's not a man, one that isn't like...stupid or like a d- actually I could dig a deer version of you." I closed my eyes, thinking back to Deerlestia. "Oh man...like, lifting that tail, nice and white and pink, that blush on gray coat while you turn around."

You want to fuck a deer?!

"Yes George, we both want to fuck a deer wife! I would like a pretty fuzzy wife right now!" I wished I could kick my limbs, having since lost most control. "God damn it...I just want this to be over!"

Dust looked down at me. "Jason, I think maybe we should order something, tuck you in for the night." The portal went black, leaving me and my body splayed out on the floor. "George can rest and we can go have fun near the falls--"

"One more go." I felt my jaw go slack. "Nap, then one more go."
> Feather
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"You know...I'm getting really sick of these woods." I mumbled, carried along by George as was the new norm. "Are you not--"

Yes, I hate them too! For the love of god...stop.

I let out a long sigh. "So, if this works out, you're going to leave?"

Yes. Again, yes.

I looked around the path, overly familiar, slowly driving me towards insanity as we passed the same curve in the road every time. "Why?"

George passed through the opening of the grove again. Why? Jason, I really don't think you want to hear the answer to that.

I looked up at my neck. "If we're going to be sharing this for a while longer--"

George stopped and leaned against a tree with his free arm. Jason.... I'm not attracted to her, Dust, Cosmic, ponies...mares....

I felt my eyes go wide. "Uh, gay? But...I'm not--"

Oh Jason, really?

"Shut up! Fucking...one time in basic, you asshole!"

George rubbed his shoulder, sending a pleasant ghost feeling through my neck. I'm not judging, and if it makes you feel better you know I'm not about to take it.

I took a deep breath. "Fine, fine, that's fine." I looked off into the woods. ".... George, am I stupid?"

I felt a strange sensation run across my face, like someone was trying to take over my tongue and add a little moisture to my chapped lips. Jason, you just don't think before you do. You're not dumb, I mean, I can tell you all the steps to making a meat pie, treating shrapnel wounds, and how to pleasure your little mare friend. We're most definitely not stupid.

I looked deeper into the grove. "Then why are you leaving?"

Why are you so curious?

I turned up and glared at my stump. "My body just told me he's going to leave, what did you say? Something mea--"

I'll apologize for that, but I will not apologize for wanting to leave! You've run us through the desert, you've poisoned your liver several times, Jason, you've been terrible to me!

I felt my throat go dry. "That's not...entirely true. I mean--"

And you came to Equestria for a chance at having some fun.

I felt my face tense up. "I came for wor--"

Jason, sweetheart, you came because you were lonely. Don't lie to me...that's like giving me a pint of piss and telling me it's beer. I'm not an idiot.

I lowered my eyes to the dirt. "Look...I know, I took advantage a few times since I've been here--"

I'm not about to hold it against you. And I know what you're talking about, and that mare did need a tumble.

I took a deep breath. "I just feel like I rushed in a bit."

You did. But, your reasons weren't bad. I could feel George's hands run through my hair. It's okay to be lonely.

Things went quiet in the grove for the first time since I'd first found Cosmic. "Do you think she--"

Not a doubt in my mind. You've been doing everything in your power to help her, and you do care. It shows in how you fight with her, banter more than anger. I mean, I know when you're angry, you cry when you're actually angry.

I turned up to him. "You shut your lack of a mouth!"

Am I wrong? Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong!

I felt my eyes start to burn. "I've gotten better about it." I pulled it back, letting the burn dissipate. "I uh.... But you're not going to stay?"

George pushed off the tree and started off towards where we'd find Cosmic. Because you've kept me confined to that damn island, Spain, and now a few Equestrian Houses. And no...I'm not counting the army. Hardly an adventure when you're worried about being blown up.

I took a deep breath. "You could stay with us though--"

And do what? A stick cracked loudly under our feet. You're going to go back to Canterlot, you're going to live years and years in that town without--

I felt my cheeks burn. "Storm Side." I looked up and watched as we passed into the clearing. "We could go back to Storm side. That's where all this started, right? We could go...I mean, we took a lot, but that tower had so much more. We could--"

Jason, maybe focus.

I frowned softly. "I've been thinking about it for a while. What to do after we fix this, and if we can't."

And you want to go back to the ruins?

"I want to build something." I looked through the trees, spotting Cosmic's clearing. "I've put this mare through so much. I've put everything through so much--"

Jason.

"If I can take that place, if we can take that place, and turn it--"

Jason.

"What?"

George put me forward, showing me the mare I'd come to expect. "No no no no, please no!" Cosmic was whimpering, half hidden by something strange. "Please, no."

A dog started barking, slowly circling the bodiless mare. "George, what the fuck, go-- pff!" I fell into the brush, left to lay there as George snapped a small tree and charged in. I listened, my face roughly slapped against the dirt. The dog's  barking quickly changed to a loud whimper as it dashed away, limping slightly.

"No! Gods please no!" Cosmic cried, "Please, don't!"

Jason...she's fine. She's her, just her.

"Cosmic!? Cosmic!" I heard sticks snap again as George slid over to me and hastily snatched me up from the dirt. "Cosmic, can you hear me!?"

"What's going on!? Please, just go! I've had enough-" her voice cracked hard, falling into a solid cry, "-I can't...no more...I can't."

George scrambled over, falling to his knees before the mare on the ground. I stared at Cosmic, bright orange eyes slammed shut and teary. "Cosmic...it's you, normal you."

Cosmic's eyes slowly popped open. "If you're going to kill me...just do it--"

"Cosmic you're okay!" I felt my cheeks hurt. "Oh my god, Cosmic, you're okay!"

She's okay!

"Cosmic's okay!"

We found her, we fucking found her!

"It's over, it's probably over!" I smiled at the teary mare. "George, come on, let's go!"

Cosmic stared at me, fear darting through her eyes. "Don't touch me! You fucking monster! I can't- I won't let you touc--"

George grabbed her, tucking her in the same arm he was holding me. "Cosmic, you're okay!" I pressed my nose against her muzzle, forcibly leaned against her. "Cosmic...you're okay."

The sharp whimpers and sniffles of my mare slowly petered out. "Kill me...I can't do this anymore. It's been too long...I can't--"

"You don't have to!" I felt us lift off the ground. "Cosmic, I've got you...you're okay."

"A fucking monster thing has me, I don't--"

I kissed her lower lip. "Cosmic...it's okay--"

"Don't fucking touch me!" Cosmic thrashed around wildly, ears slapping against my face. "I'm not your fucking toy, you freak!"

I pressed my forehead against hers, resting cradled in George's arm. "Cosmic...I've got you." I felt my eyes start to burn. I had lost track of how many times I'd walked the same path, how long George had been with me, the time I'd spent with Cosmic and Dust felt like forever. "It's over...it's gotta be over."

Jason...isn't Cosmic a unicorn?

I felt my eyes shoot wide. I slowly looked down the crying mare next to me. No horn. "Cosmic...look at me, look at me please!"

Cosmic's chin fell low. "How do you know me?!"

I stared at her, keeping my eyes locked as she slowly calmed down. "Cosmic, I crossed worlds to find you again." I kept myself steady, staring, lost in orange. "Cosmic Dust, military mare, unwilling subject, but still my mare." I felt a deep frown settle over my jaw. "Please, I need you to come with me."

Cosmic stared back at me, the world closing in until all that was left was me, and that set of orange eyes. "Why? So I can be some slave, some science project again!?"

"Because I need you damn it!" I screamed, eyes jammed shut hard. "Because I need you, because I have people that need you too! Because I can't let this keep going on! I need you to come back with me, I need this to be over. Please?"
> Roof
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I passed through the portal in George's arms. "Dust, leave the portal open." I let out a deep sigh as I rested against Cosmic's head. "We did it.... We did it."

Dust looked up at me, smiling. "I knew you would, Jason." She closed her eyes and nodded softly. "We knew you would, not a doubt in my mind."

I felt Cosmic stir, looking around slowly. "Where--"

"Somewhere safe." I stated, watching behind as Dust's pegasus body wandered in. "It's alright, it's gonna be alright."

God I hope so.

I closed my eyes, slowly forcing them open against my exhaustion. "Dust...can you do it?"

Dust looked down at her body counterpart. "Jason, you do--"

"Can you do it?" I asked, slowly getting walked over towards the bed where Dust was sat. "It's time, I need it to be time, I need this to be over."

Dust stared at me as George placed Cosmic and I near her. "I can try...." She turned her head towards Cosmic, sitting calmly, ready on the floor of the hotel. "I suppose the sooner we do this, the better." She turned back to George. "If you could hold Cosmic in one piece."

I watched, yet again. It was all I could do. Watching as George picked up Cosmic's head. Jason, calm down. You're upsetting our stomach.

I took a deep breath, the swirling feeling in my gut refusing to empty away. I couldn't do anything, I was as Cosmic was. Hopeless, helpless. "Just do it, George, just do it."

What do you think I'm doing?

I watched on as Cosmic's half awake head, now worn out and well fed after being plucked from the woods, was placed carefully against Cosmic's waiting stump. Dust turned to face her, watching on as he readied whatever spell she was planning. "Jason...I love you. Cosmic, George, I love you both too--"

White. Blinding, featureless white.

God, why is it so bright?

I opened my eyes, face to face with swirling grey, orange and blue streaks of electricity darting through the clouds that surrounded us. The roof of the hotel was gone, popped open like a tin can. I was alone. No Cosmic, no Dust, no George. Only myself, hanging in the air as my body was built, torn apart, rebuilt and torn down once again. I couldn't feel a thing.

But all I could do was watch. Watch as blue and orange surrounded me, tearing into the clouds, plucking parts of the grey out and tossing it into the now scorched floor of the hotel. I wanted to scream. I needed to scream, watching as bodies and heads were formed around me. Blue and orange, swirling in place, darting between the open ground.

I felt my skin tingle, my hands tighten up. I could only wait and watch, hands materializing under me, bones forming, slowly wrapping themselves in muscle and flesh. Ponies, a man, electricity. My world came together in the middle of the hotel room, bare to the sky, black, save the dashes of color that danced among the clouds and smoke.

And above it all, straight into the air, a column of light was centered a meter away, centered in the clouds.

Crack the sky

I opened my eyes, collapsed against the floor. The sky was clear, blue with perfect white clouds listing overhead. The sound of the city was deafened, and as I collected myself I could hear the distant echo of water. I stood up, my back in pain, my shoulders heavy, my hands cut and rough. I walked to the edge of the room, the roof, the higher walls, gone, ripped off and taken into the ether. I rested against a bit of broken plaster, tired, worn out.

The falls in the distance were calm, constantly pouring, always. I stared out at the beauty, enamored, happy, spent. I started laughing. "Is it over?" I looked back into the room, the silver portal still flickering as we'd left it. The room was perfectly fine from waist height down, clean, untouched by the torrent that had ripped the roof off.

A thick voice cut in. "Jason? You look like shit."

I turned away from the falls, spotting myself walking over. "...George?"

He shook his head. "Who else?"

I looked past him, my breathing loud, surprisingly heavy. "George...look." I pointed to them, four mares, laid out in a square. "George...it worked."

George slid up next to me, resting on the wall. "Four?" He slid down, rubbing his head softly. "Four? I--" He looked over to the portal. "Jason... do you have a plan?"

I licked my lips, sticking slightly as I nipped my tongue. "Doors still open...." I turned to George. "Can't have two of the same people in one place, right?" I rubbed my head. "Two of them probably don't even know me."

George took a deep breath. "I understand. I'll...get ready."

I turned away from the falls, over towards the mares. One was slowly coming to, a set of wings curled up, a horn jutting from her forehead. I laughed to myself. "Cosmic...do I need to call you princess now?"

The mare slowly turned to me, bleary orange eyes shooting into my head. "Jason?"

I rubbed her side, falling to my knees next to her. "Yeah...." I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her up against me. "I'm here."

Cosmic's chin jerked up, laying across my shoulder. "Jason...how many times have I nearly died now?"

I put my hand against the back of her head and took a deep breath. "Hard to keep track...." I could see George helping up the other set of mares. "George--"

He looked up at me, green eyes. "No idea who we are...I think these are mine."

I rubbed Cosmic's mane, slowly closing my eyes as George walked over and plucked the downed Dust from the hotel floor. "George...just- here." I held my free arm out.

George slowly dragged Dust towards me. "Make sure she knows you, Jason."

I held the mare against me, clutching each against me softly. Cosmic went slack against me, lean, fit, as she was training herself to be in the month since she became the body. Dust let out a short whimper, her chin bumping against the back of my head. "Jason?"

"I'm right here." I pressed my hand against her cheek, "I've got you--"

Dust went slack against me, toppling me backwards until I was flat on my back, a mare in each arm. "I told you Jason...I'd kill you if you died.... I told you...I'd say yes." She took a deep breath and rolled against me. "I told you we'd be married.... I can't let you get away.... I can't be alone anymore."

George looked down at me, two mares over his shoulders. "Jason...will you be alright?"

I nodded weakly. "Just, need a bit to catch my breath."

George nodded, carefully setting his mares down near the portal on the wall. "Jason...stand up."

I felt the mares lift away from me, taken by George towards the bed. "Jesus...I thought you were leaving."

George finished freeing me and extended a hand. "I am. But it's been almost thirty years, I'm not leaving unceremoniously." He pulled me up, straightening me out with one swift pull. "I'm only sorry we couldn't talk sooner." He threw an arm around me and pulled me tight. "Jason, treat yourself better, and calm down." He patted my back and broke off. "You've rush your life so many times, slow down, enjoy it, you'll be better for it."

I took a deep breath and flopped back to the ground. "You say that like it's easy."

George smiled at me and packed up the mares we'd pulled from the portal. "It's easier than you give yourself credit for. Just think a little more, make plans, don't react, think, then act." He sorted out his mare, smiling at me as they went across his shoulder. "Take care of them Jason, they'll take care of you right back."

I watched him duck through the portal, fading past the milky metallic surface. The portal glimmered for only a moment before going dark. The picture frame that formed its boundary fell flat against the ground. I sat alone on the floor. "Cosmic!?"

A loud cough broke the roaring of the distant falls. "What?"

I felt my body cool down, my skin rushing with icy cold. "...Thank you."
> Fight
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	"Alright...you left with one human head, one human body minus the head, a unicorn mare's head, and a matching unicorn body minus head. Several artifacts, all accounted for on the return, good work. Hmm, life insurance policy...checked a gun with us before you left, okay, okay, looks good." The Equestrian border guard stared at me. "That's all fine. Now...what's not fine-" he grabbed a small clipboard, "-is the damages, the two alicorn mares, you...you're honestly not that big a problem, one full body!"

I rubbed my face. "I really don't know what you expect me to say. There's really nothing I can do."

The man nodded. "Well...there's not really much you can do. God, you're really lucky you were on the top floor!" He flipped through the papers on his clipboard. "Wow, hey, Lollard, check this out!"

A man in an Equestrian guard uniform walked over. These were the two idiots who'd seen me through the first time. "Oh great...you two again."

The guard looked down. "Whoa...shit! The whole place?"

I turned to the door, watching as Dust and Cosmic stared at me from beyond a small window. The guards kept chatting. "Yeah, structurally compromised until further notice!"

Dust's smile was super wide, her mane starting to turn blue, Cosmic turning orange. "Damn...did you see the pictures? Like the fucking rapture."

The guard started laughing. "How did they let you through the portal home!? God on Earth! You're not going to be able to go back there you know."

I turned to the guards, one standing with his hand on his chin, the other leaned back with his clipboard over his face. "Look, can I go home yet?"

The guard with the clipboard looked over at the window. "Engagement, right? Congratulations."

I glared at the guards. "Thank you...I'd love to go and get everything set up."

The guard in uniform looked at me. "You blew up a hotel roof--"

The sitting guard looked up. "It didn't explode, it like...disintegrated."

"No...no, it exploded."

The sitting guard and pushed up. "No!"

"Yes!"

"No it didn't! Shut up!"

"It totally exploded--"

"Oh my god, shut up!" my throat burned slightly as I jumped up. "Can I go!?"

The guards looked over to me. "What? Oh, yeah, get the hell out of here. Door's unlocked."

I felt heat rise up into my chest. "Are you kidding me? I could have left this whole time!?"

The guards nodded in unison. "Yeah, there's gonna be an investigation, Equestrian Foreign affairs will have some paperwork and questions for you, but yeah, go plan your wedding. ...Jerkoff."

I shook my head and turned to the door. "You're absolute rubbish, your terrible at your jobs and I hope you break your front teeth!" I yanked the door open, storming past my mares. "God damn, it's worse than airports!"

Dust reared up and rubbed herself on my side. "Jason...calm down, everything is perfect now."

Cosmic followed us as we walked through the border building. "Dust...shut up."

Dust turned around, walking backwards with her tail wrapped around my leg. "Cosmic...must you really be--"

I felt Dust's tail rip away from my leg. "You've bloody done nothing but schmooze and be a complete wreck since you grew a voice! Pack it in!"

I shook my head and kept walking. So long as they didn't get violent I didn't need to intervene. "Oh? And behind verbally, physically, and emotionally aggressive is much better!? Don't you yell at me Cosmic, I have a say now too! I have magic, I have legs, you don't get to boss me around anymore!"

I pressed on, slipping into the lobby of the Equestrian border with Canada. "Oh like Celestia's fat white ass! The day I let you get away with being a spoiled little brat with my face, that's the day I die!"

"Girls...you're both pretty--"

"Shut up Jason!"

"Shut up Sweetheart!"

"Okay...." I rubbed my neck, a thin blue scar ringing my throat. "One day you'll agree on something that isn't aimed at me."

The girls went back to arguing. I took a seat near the door, not wanting to bring their fight into midnight Canterlot. Dust picked the fight back up. "Cosmic, you've been nothing but verbally aggressive, sexually repressed to the point where you begged a stallion to plug you, and you smell like sweat...."

I pressed my head into my hands, the twin ponies bickering was wearing away my already thinned nerves. "Can this wait? I really hate this place, and you--"

"Sexually repressed!? Sorry I'm honest! I don't sit there and coyly ask someone to hold you down! Fifty years of having to lick myself for the few moments of joy a week did get a little bloody obnoxious! And you're damn right I'm aggressive, I was the one who kept us fed, kept us alive!"

I let out a long sigh. "You're in public right now."

Dust shot back, "Oh- oh! Really!? You kept us alive? The immobile stump of a head, scaring the piss out of ponies for scraps of food and such, saved us!?"

I looked up in time to see Cosmic's face twisted up, eyes practically glowing with rage. "And you think sexual favors for food is much better!? Do you know how horrid it felt, knowing what was happening but not having a damn say!?"

"Oh- oh, and sitting idly by without so much as a word was better?!"

"God damn...this could have waited."

"Shut up Jason!"

"Don't you talk to him like that!"

"He's my bloody husband, I'll talk to him how I damn want!" I felt a hoof press against my leg. "This idiot lobbed my head off, not yours! He's my dumb ass, and I'll treat him how he deserves!"

"Then you should be on your haunches!"

"Fuck!" I jumped up, rushing to the door as quick as I could. The large immigration's room lobby was choked up with employees all watching, some snickering, some with grim looks. "This is not the place for this!"

Dust's sweet voice felt strange wrought with such anger. "Jason's right, we--"

"Stop saying he's right! He's not right all the damn time--"

"Well he's not wrong all the time either!"

I let out a sharp whimper. "Oh my god...I cannot deal with this right now." I stopped dead and turned to face my mares. "Girls." The pair turned to me, ears sharp. "Sorry about this." I reached out and gave each of them a slap across the cheek. "Now shut up--"

Cosmic shot back, slamming her hoof into my cheek. "Asshole!"

Dust let out a small whimper, quickly pulling it back and coughing to cover her noises. "Jason...that was horrid."

I rubbed my cheek and turned to the door. "Sorry but you two were acting hysterical!"

Cosmic charged past me, cutting me off in the street. Her mane lit up under the streetlamps, barely lighting up the sidewalks of the damp spring night. "And you think getting into a fight with me is a good idea? Jason, I know you're not that bright, but come on.... Cosmic, Dust, fighting mare."

Dust sulked along behind me. "Wasn't the best way you could have handled that."

I took a deep breath and kept walking. It was better for them to be picking on me, I knew they wouldn't stop loving me after one fight, but watching them tear into each other gave me a rather heavy feeling in my gut. "Look, I just don't want you two fighting ri--"

Cosmic glared at me. "Jason, we've been fighting far longer than this. It's just the first time it's actually been verbal. And not coated in begs and whimpers from that daft sow!"

Dust scratched at my back. "Jason...I think I'm owed something after that."

I lowered my head, holding my arms back and letting Dust saddle up around me. "Don't you have wings now? Why don't you fly?"

Dust laughed sharply. "No! Also, no! You expect to see me risking my tail fifty meters off the ground like some daredevil psychotic!?"

I just kept staring at the ground. "Maybe--"

Cosmic continued to trot backwards before me. "No, she's going to sit there and whimper, and piss and moan and be a slug!"

"I'd rather be a delicate, beautiful slug, than some leathery paragliding snake!"

Cosmic stopped, forcing me to stumble to a stop. "Jason...put her down."

Her eyes were bright, full of rage, not anger, rage. "I don't think--"

Dust's hooves slipped out from my arms. "You want to fight!? Cosmic I will fight you right here!"

"God damn it." I backed up, stepping against a wall while the twins squared off on the sidewalk. "Should I find some flares? Cordon off the street?" I let out a soft huff as Cosmic rolled her blue sister. "God damn it...." I just stood back as feathers started to fly, screaming following up quickly after as hooves and teeth clashed. "Can you shoot lazers out of your horns? Duel to the death maybe?" I laughed slightly, the imagine of orange and blue lazer horns distracting me from their rather serious scuffle.

Sparks burned out against the ground, lighting up the scene with the colors I'd been getting accustomed to. "You bitch!"

"Mongrel!"

"Muddy git!"

"Hopped up mud pony!"

"Prissy slag!"

"Cosmic I hate you!"

The fighting ebbed for a moment. "I hate you too! You're a piece of- of crap!"

I rubbed my nose. Crap, felt wrong coming from her mouth. "Heh...heheh."

"How many years have you yelled at me!? Get food, get warmth, get something!"

The mares rolled off each other, standing light cats, backs arched, bodies stiff. "I had to keep us alive! I had to be strong, I had to because you wouldn't!"

Dust twitched hard, her back straightening out before snapping back into place. "And you're to be thanked! You kept me from that world of anger, and violence, but there was a time for that, and that time is far behind us!"

Cosmic's eyes darted to me for a moment. "Are they!? We've got Equestria at our hooves, and you think--"

Dust shook herself hard, straightening out and sliding a hoof over her mane. "I think that a new age needs new ways. Acting like it's a century ago is only going to end you into misery again!"

Cosmic's face fluctuated from angry to sad, eyebrows arching up, frown softening. "Jason...is she right?"

I looked between the mares. "You're both right." I leaned forward, keeping my ass to the wall. "Cosmic, you're always going to be ornery, and I love that. But I think toning down that could do you a lot of good." Dust smiled wide. "I think that goes for you too.... Being overly agreeable is a curse of its own." I crossed my arms. "I love you both, and I know I'm sure as hell not perfect, I mean I bloody slapped you both."

The mares looked between themselves, then back to me. Cosmic shook her head to straighten out her mane. "Jason...you're an idiot."

Dust nodded. "I agree, but, idiot needs to stop."

"Dumb."

"I can agree with dumb."

I felt myself lift off the ground as the mares fixed eachother's coats. "You'll agree with dumb because it's true."

Dust frowned. "He is, but not to the degree you state."

I felt myself go stiff as a board. "Will you stop defending him?"

"Will you stop berating him?"

I crossed my arms as I was laid across the mare's backs, slowly bobbing up and down as their hips moved. "Can you guys agree?"

Dust looked back at me as we walked through Canterlot. "I think we are."

Cosmic joined Dust, two sets of eyes staring back at me. "Aye. We're pretty much sure you're not the brightest."

Dust shook her head. "...Wrath and idiocy, what a shame you two are so polarized."

Cosmic's eyes went flat. "And what are you?"

Dust flapped her wings. "I'm a princess."

I rubbed my face. "Of course, but so is Cosmic."

"Damn right!" She nodded sternly and focused forward. "Now everypony shut up! This isn't over, but we've got places to be."

Dust turned to the front with Cosmic. "Fine, so long as we all agree I'm perfect."

Cosmic laughed. "As perfect as the old Canterlot Spire."

The mares laughed to each other, leaving me completely out of the loop. "...I don't get it."

Dust looked back. "The old Canterlot Spire broke in two, but it was turned into an art instillation--" A loud clang cut her off. I slipped off her back and onto the floor with a meaty thwack.

"Celestia damn you! A pole, really!?" Cosmic pulled away, leaving me to fall flat on my back. "Idiot!"

I felt the force keeping me flat disappear. "What happened!?"

Cosmic glared at Dust, now lying in the road. "She walked headfirst into a pole!"

I sat upright, cold and alone on the sidewalk. "God damn it...I just want to go to bed." I stood up, scooping up Dust's knocked out body and slinging her over my shoulder. "No more, my pace time."

Cosmic backed up. "Fine, I can keep--"

"Oh no." I walked aside Cosmic and picked her up, putting her back down on my shoulder. "My walk!"

Cosmic's hooves started flying about as she squirmed. "Jason, put me--"

"Take something from Dust, calm your ass!"

"Take some advice from me, stop talking about my ass!"

"But it's so nice...."

"... Thank you.... Now put me down."
> Bed
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I settled into bed, finally back home. It didn't feel all that homely, but that would just have to wait. I watched as Cosmic shook herself, a feather falling against the ground. "...Feathers...what a pisser."

I took my jacket off. "I don't know.... If it means it's over then I'm more than happy to have you with feathers."

Cosmic stretched her new wings. "Jason...I'm a bit worried." She looked over at the bed, her usual expression of annoyance completely swallowed up by a soft frown. "Only alicorns I've ever heard of have been royalty...and to be perfectly honest, I ain't the type for--"

"I know exactly who you are." I walked up to the bed and set Dust down. "Hey, can you like--"

Cosmic nodded, her horn lighting up orange and throwing a glittering blanket over Dust. "She's fine. She's faking it."

I looked down at Dust, her eyes slammed shut. "How long?"

Dust's eyes popped open. She puffed her cheeks out and looked towards the wall. "I came to a few steps past the street lamp...."

I shook my head. "You really shouldn't hide that you're okay. Falling asleep with a concussion might have killed you."

Dust flapped her wings. "I don't- ew...ew ew ew ew." Her wing kept on, throwing feathers into the air like wild. "Make it stop! I can feel it in my back!"

I turned to Cosmic. "Yo...hows it feel?"

Cosmic turned to me with a tired grin. "Like I have two stupid legs jutting out of my withers."

I rolled my shoulders, my shoulder blade aching softly. "Feels weird then?"

Cosmic let out a long sigh and crawled onto the bed. "A little."

I looked around, the room darkened as Cosmic grabbed the slider and turned down the lights. "So, two princesses--"

"No."

"Exactly."

I looked over to the bed, getting the usual responses from each mare. "...Well, which is it?"

A blue streaked tail flicked towards me. "I think you know the answer."

"Uh, not really." I stripped off the rest of my clothes. "Yes? I'm gonna say yes until proven wrong." I put my hand on the bed, quickly having it kicked off by an orange fringed hoof. "Childish." I crawled onto the bed, taking up my usual spot on the right. "We'll figure this out later, ask Celestia or Luna or someone."

"Somepony." Dust shot back, slamming against my stomach. She nestled against me. "Jason...why are you not wearing pants?"

I felt something walk over my calves. "Oi, what?"

Dust flung her tail over my hip. "I wasn't criticizing, I was simply asking." She snuggled in against me. "Arm...arm over me."

I let out a long huff as I was forced into the center of the bed, the cold sheets warming under my skin. I hung my arm over Dust, letting her wrap her hooves around me and rest her head against my arm. "Am I just like a pillow?"

Cosmic pressed herself against my back, back legs wrapping around my leg, forelegs wrapping around my neck. "Jason, you're always a daft pillow." She pressed her chin against my shoulder and settled in. "We go to sleep...we wake up fresh in the morning, and we hacksaw these things off my back."

"No." I stated, as I pulled Dust against me. "No hacksaw."

Dust's wings twitched against my stomach. "Magic would probably be less painful."

"No...you're keeping the wings." I pulled my left arm back, taking it away from Dust. I placed it softly against Cosmic's head, scratching her ear softly. "You're a princess...deal with it. Some things are meant to happen, no get used to it. You're my princess now." I felt the mares press against me, warm bellies against my skin, my entire being heating up as they pulled together. "I love you." I scratched Cosmic's ear, receiving a stout coo from her and a nuzzle against the back of my neck. I slid my hand over her coat, back against Dust and down to her tender belly. "Both of you."


***


"Hey...dad, wake up." I felt something poke my foot. "Dad...come on."

"Leave him alone Shard, you saw him, now lets go." Soft voice, sharp words, like Dust with more of a stern texture.

"Oh shove it, why must you piss on my parade every time!?" I opened my eyes, a pair of kids waiting off the edge of my bed. "...Oh, hey dad." A red headed kid with a completely human face stared down at me. "Hey...so, shhh. Bloody...don't wake mom or other mom."

I looked around blearily. "Wait...wot?"

A taller kid with icy blue hair shook his head. "Sorry dad, Shard here wanted to talk to you."

A bright orange tail whipped around the first man. "Oi, stuff it." The orange kid turned back to me. "No, we just came out to talk." The kid grew a bit pink. "I uh...sorry to ask this, but can you make me first? I mean, at least here." He looked back to the blue haired one. "Bloody prick is older than me and won't shut up about it."

The blue haired one laughed sharply. "Really, that's why we're here? So in one universe, doors and doors away, you can be born first?" He rubbed his face. "Oh boy...how are we related?"

The orange haired kid stood up from his crouch. A pair of grey pony legs stood upright. "Oi, I said stuff it!" He turned back to me. "Just do me a favor...me first this time, just...do it for me, dad." He cracked an obnoxiously large smile. "Right? For me, for Shard? You little buster, right?"

I stared at the kids at the end of my bed. "...What the fuck?"

The blue haired one shook his head. "I told you, we should have met with him in the day time, but you didn't want mother to come and gush over you--"

"Shut up!" The orange one hopped up. "Look, you see this!?" He pointed to the blue. "Bloody- he's such a prick to me!"

I rubbed my eyes. "What?"

Orange lowered his arm. "Great.... I'm just- see you in a few months." He waved at me, "By the way, fourth birthday, don't do the whole space thing, go knights or something fun." He walked out, sliding his hand across the wall and along the doorway into the hall.

The blue haired kid just stood there. "Right, Jason, dad..." he smiled at me, "we just wanted to see what it was like before we were born. It's nice seeing you all warm and snug." He nodded once. "Oh, and the portal we tore might have sheered apart one of your tables, so...sorry for that."

I watched them both leave, my mares two heavy sleepers completely oblivious to the sudden break in. "Table, what? Did I just get robbed?"
> Sitdown
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sat in my new study, my body hot, my hands shaking slightly. My chair creaked under my weight as I leaned forward, shifting around a few stolen papers. Cosmic walked up next to me, standing proud beside me. "Jason, mornin." She looked around the papers on my desk.  What's all this?"

I rubbed my forehead. "Uh, notes, papers and junk." I rubbed my burning eyes. "Oi, did you hear anyone last night? Like...after we got home, was there anything weird?"

Cosmic looked out the door of my office. "A table was all jacked up, aye, but I figured it was you."

"Hmm, guess it wasn't a dream." I rubbed my arms, "Hey, Cosmic, how do you feel about Storm Side?"

She looked down at my notes. "Uh, bloody great pisser." She shook her head. "Ya know, it wasn't always frozen. When I lived there it was actually really green, used to have a hell of a garden in the center of the city."

I rubbed my rough cheeks. "Aye, been reading up on the place." I stacked the notes I had. "Moth ponies, genetic research, spell testing, potion testing, your...deal." Cosmic cocked an eyebrow. "Lots of research in that place."

Cosmic nodded. "It was a rather well known place in the old empire. Old Equestria...." She shook her head. "It's the same as now, but different name." She looked over the notes. "Aye, crossbreeding was a big advance about three-hundred years ago." She looked out the window with a smile. "First hybrid was actually one of Celestia's children, half dragon spod." She grew a shallow frown. "Storm Side...it's a fascinating place for the demented."

I looked over my notes, creatures made, portals open, materials fabricated from pure magic. I could barely understand it, but what I could grasp was rather staggering. "Why do you say that?"

Cosmic turned to me with a rather sour face. "Live testing was pretty much commonplace. And stealing from old temples and such was normal to them." She sighed loudly and rested her chin on my desk. "So long as it was for magic and science, they didn't care."

I slid my hand over the desk and to her head, digging my fingers into her mane and jostling her. "Apparently they didn't care about you, or anyone."

Cosmic smiled. "No, I was just some guard. They used prisoners as much as they could, but the time I was...used, was about the same time as thing started to freeze over." She stood up and shook herself. "Were getting desperate. Old ponies trying to find a way to be like Celestia or Luna."

I frowned hard and rubbed my throat. "Cosmic, I'm happy you're safe. I mean, things were weird, things still are I guess, I rushed headlong into all of this, but I love you."

Cosmic looked up at me, stern, apparently unhappy with my face. "Jason, you were the first pony in thirty years to not run screaming from my body, if that don't say something about you bein' a little odd, I don't know what else could."

I lowered my head, the orange mare at my side burning  hole into my head with her bright eyes torqued up into an angry look. "When I got to Equestria, talking horses became normal. And aft- I--" I looked behind me, spinning around in my chair. "There's a seat over there...war story time."

Cosmic smiled at me. "You know, I've never read up on your people's wars--"

I shook my head, watching as she clopped along the wood floor, over to a waiting recliner. "It's a lot of political and religious squabble. Modern ones are complex to say the least." I forced myself around with my toes, wheeling myself around like mad. "From what I've read Equestria hasn't had many major wars, right?"

Cosmic snickered, watching me bounce off a wall, the plastic clatter of my chair's wheels cutting her laugh. "We had a huge one in ancient times, back when Celestia was a filly. We had a few with the griffons in the east, every so often a few monsters from the old land in the west would come over and we'd start a militia, Saddle Arabia asks for assistance every so often, when there's a civil war. Oh, and north of Storm Side, across the ice about three--four-hundred miles across the ice cap, you'll run across the deer land. Used to be trade routes and a rail line over, cute folk, ya know?"

I swallowed hard and wheeled myself over to her. "Uh, yes." I pressed my tongue against the roof of my mouth. "Uh, war time...right?"

Cosmic settled her back into the seat. "If you want, I'm doubtful Dust will be awake any time soon, that conk to the head took it out of her."

I shrugged. "I was going to-- Uh, you see your friends with their face full of more shrapnel than a junkyard magnet, you learn that seeing a living body without a head, not so bad." I rubbed my lips. "Did I ever tell you what I did in the army?"

Cosmic shook her head. "I assumed yer' like me, marching status grunt."

I shook my head. "Medic, and let me tell you, nine times out of then, I.E.D." I rubbed up and down the space between my eyebrows with my thumb. "God damn...every time we'd show up, either some American or some anglo bastard would have eaten shit, and they sit me down with a bunch of others, tell me to do what I can, then stick the poor bastard in a transport." I slid my hand through my hair, feeling something writhe in my gut. "I've seen some things, made grown men cry, missing limbs blasted off, Arabs peppered and burned by their own bloody people, bloody helter-skelter bullshit." I shook my head. "No, you came to me, she came to me, rearing, moving, alive. With or without a head, I'm not going to leave something moving just because its hurt or messed up."

Cosmic's smile faded quickly. "You're lying, aren't you?"

I bit my lip. "I can't...I hate them so much. Bloody Paki refugees, Islamist, I know its not their fault, but I hate them so much...." I felt my skin cool as I leaned back into my seat. "But I never let one die under my hands, I had a job, and I fucking did it." I slid my hands up and down my chair. "You did your job, for people I assumed you hated. And look where you are now. You outlived them all, can't name a soul from these notes or from that little show you had for me when we met, but three-hundred years, they're in the ground by now."

Cosmic took a deep breath, her voice wavering gently as she drew in. "Bloody...piss." She shivered hard, her eyes tightening up. "They are dead.... Good, bastards can rot in the ground forever if you ask me." She lowered her head and looked towards my notes. "They were supposed to create, to build and be good to ponies, but so many of the subjects, so many failed hybrids and magic infused ponies died in their tests."

I rubbed my chin. "Be a shame to--"

"Ya know, the first hybrid, Celestia's half-dragon. Lived exactly three hours!" Cosmic slammed her hoof into the arm of the chair. "They raised it in a damn test tube, birthed it from a cow and it died in three hours!" She ground her hoof into the chair, gritted teeth and burning eyes. "They bloody- they-- Monsters, all of them. They used to cast spells across Equestria, the whole reason this hybrid thing exists is because of them! They bloody- they-- raugh!" She kicked her legs out and paced between me and her chair. "Every pony changed, every damn pony born from five-hundred years ago, on, they're different. Magic burned into our damn DNA because of those nightmares!"

I rubbed my arms. "Pardon?"

Cosmic lowered her head. "The bloody, Storm Side, it used to have a metal tower. They used to cast spells across the planet from there!" Cosmic sat herself down on the floor with a loud plop. "They tore it down when somepony tried to annihilate the Griffons." She looked out the window, a heavy frown on her face, her eyes hurt, finally showing that crack in the armor I knew was there. "I don't think that even made it into the history books, probably in the archive." She looked up at me, her sharp eyes dour and pained. "I could find notes if you don't believe me."

I stared at her, shifting about before standing up and walking up to her. "Cosmic, I move to a land of talking horses, I met a headless body, a bodiless head, and ran through this adventure like mad. But you know what, there's one thing I can count on you for, you tell the truth." I ducked down before her, holding the back of her head and planting a kiss on her forehead. "You've said some crazy shit, but so far, nothing you've said has been wrong."

Cosmic just sat there. "...I'm honest, am I?"

I pulled back, turning back to my notes. "So far."

Cosmic stepped onto my feet and leaned up my chest, laying up my body. "I love you." She buried her face in my stomach. "Don't...bloody, don't tell Dust...." She rubbed her head over my gut, her wings flared out as she pulled away. "I'm gonna go jog...you, you study--"

"Would you go back?" I asked, walking back to my desk to grab some notes. "To Storm Side."

Cosmic swung around, accidentally bumping her flank into the door frame. "Ow-- Storm Side? Why?"

I bit my lip and shifted around some files. Because there's stuff to learn there, and a lot of lives went into all the artifacts and tools we took." I looked through the old blueprints and maps of Storm Side, my mind shooting back to the pure white mass of ice that covered it five stories high. "You are a princess now...you're going to need--"

"You know that would make you a prince, right?" She glared at me. "If you're gonna push this you're gonna wear bloody tights like a mare."

I shrugged. "I'm just saying, no one else is there, you're the only one who survived long enough to know what it looks like it. And it really is a shame to let all that research go to waste." I leaned against my desk. "Who knows...with your running it, maybe it could do some good--"

"I'm going to jog." She spun around, whipping her tail around like mad. "You keep learning, maybe you'll find something that'll change your mind."

I bit my lip. "Cosmic, think about it?"

"I am." She slipped out of the room. "I'll bring back food, tell Dust to keep her mouth off your cock."