CAN I HAVE YO NUMBAH?
Twilight couldn't have asked for a better day to spend alone. With all the recent friendship debacles all over town stressing her, and having to perform various princess duties, it was hard for her to find any time off. However today was the day. She had a nice little spot set up in the Ponyville Park, a few other quiet individuals spread out reading or writing or simply taking in the beautiful spring afternoon in their own personal spaces. The wind was light, the air cool, and the book she had brought with her was ridiculously long.
"Ahhh. This is absolutely wonderful. No dress drama. No parties. No animal babysitting or farm chores. Just me, and the 'Fantastic Fiction Finale of Finnick the First'. My favorite adventure novel from the great pony crusade."
Twilight opened the book to its first page, skipping the chapter list completely. She liked to leave things like chapter titles a surprise, since they can spoil parts of the story at times. She cleared her throat and started to read the first paragraph aloud to herself.
"The times were dark, peace not a luxury ponies of this time were allowed to enjoy. Star Swirl had fought off many of the invading dragon forces but even his power waned over time, and the ponies of Equestria were forced to take actions into their own hooves..."
Within an hour she had blazed through the first few chapters and was forced to stop due to her rumbling tummy. Spike had been thoughtful enough to pack her a basket with a few goodies for her to munch on while she spent her day at the park.
Oh that sly little dragon. The only reason you were nice enough to pack me food was because you knew I'd stay out longer. Twilight thought to herself. She knew he also wanted to some time alone, which didn't bother her. She levitated a few apples and a bottle of cider from her basket and started to quietly eat.
"Daaaaamn."
Twilight heard the voice from somewhere behind her, but ignored it. She figured it was probably some stallion passing by who saw something interesting or accidentally stubbed his hoof.
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn."
Twilight's heart jumped at the sound of the voice, now talking much louder. She turned her head slightly to get a glance at the pony and was horrified to see him poking his head around a tree, staring right at her. Eyes wide, with an uncomfortable smile spread wide on his face.
What the... this guy is looking at me! Just ignore him, Twilight. He'll know better then to continue bothering you if you just ignore him.
Twilight looked back at her book and tried to push the thought that some pony was staring at the back of her mane away. All she wanted to do was relax and read her book.
For several minutes she heard nothing. Letting out a deep exhale she turned to the next page and smiled.
Thank goodness. The last thing I need today is a wei–
"Oh DAMN! Okay... okay... alright... okay..."
Twilight tore a page out of her book.
There is no possible way.
The stallion behind her cleared his throat uncomfortably loud and took a step closer to the princess.
"Excuse me can I talk to you for a minute? Can I... can I... can I talk to you for a minute? Excuse me. EXCUSE ME. CAN I TALK TO YOU?
Twilight lifted the torn page of her book before her eyes and pouted. She always kept all of her books in perfect reading condition, and this foolish stallion just ruined that record for her. She had urges to blast him with magic, but instead took a really deep breath and hoped that he would leave if she continued to ignore him.
"Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute?" the stallion whispered right into her ear.
Twilight turned her head and found herself looking right into his eyes.
"Um... hello! How can I help you?" she asked as politely as she could, hoping a quick conversation could get rid of the creepy pony. She got a good look at him and was surprised. He was rather attractive.
The stallion had a very clean grey coat, with a long black mane that was covered by a black beanie hat. He smiled at her and spoke with a loud, flamboyant voice.
"Hey there! My name is Duhrell, it's spelled like Darrell but it's pronounced Duhrell. Anyway I just wanted to let you know the back of your neck is ridiculous."
Twilight could taste bile in her throat, and had to refrain herself from puking.
My... neck?
Duhrell looked deep into her eyes, obviously waiting for a reaction. Twilight felt incredibly uncomfortable, but felt obligated to say something.
"Um... thanks?" she answered, really not sure what she was supposed to say to such an odd compliment.
"Why, you are welcome!" he replied back. With a smooth turn the stallion started to walk away from Twilight. Leaving her baffled, and yet relieved all at once.
Oooook then. Back to my now ruined book.
Twilight put the ripped page back into the book and leaned her horn against it. It lit up as she performed a quick repair spell, knowing it wouldn't fix the problem entirely, but it was better then nothing. Right as Twilight's spell was nearly finished, the stallion plopped down right next to her, scaring her half to death. She rammed her horn down into the book and impaled it entirely. When she lifted her head, the book slid down to the base of her horn.
"So where's your boyfriend?" he asked.
"Wha... uh... I'm sorry who?"
"Your boyfriend. Where your boyfriend at? Your boyfriend," he repeated.
"Um well I–"
"Your boyfriend. Where is he at? Is he getting you some food? Is he a pegasi? Is he a unicorn? Is he getting you apples? Do you like apples? Do yo–"
Twilight was amazed at the guts this pony had. He continued to ramble on while Twilight tried to respond.
"Oh well I actual–"
"Is he coming back? Where your boyfriend at? Where he at?" Duhrell continued, looking all around for Twilight's suspected boyfriend.
She chuckled nervously.
"Well, I actually don't have a boyfriend. I'm just tryin–" as she spoke he interrupted her again, to her incredible annoyance.
"OH YOU DON'T?" he said with a fake surprised smile, "Oh you don't have a boyfriend? Okay, okay, okay. That's cool okay. Yeah that's cool." The stallion cleared his throat again, and rubbed his nose with a hoof casually.
"So listen uh, I was wonderi– can I have your number?"
Twilight was astounded. Not only had this pony completely obliterated her day, caused her to rip her book, and made her feel insecure about her neck, now he was asking for her number.
Wait. What number?
"Oh I'm sorry. I don't give out my... number... to ponies I just met. While I'm reading. At the park," she said respectfully. The stallion laughed and blushed a bit.
"Oh okay I get it! You're into novels that have like action, and romance, and commas and chapters and such yeah. Yeah I get it that's cool. Me too! Me too. Yeah. Alright cool," the stallion continued to mumble as he rose up from Twilight's right, and started to walk away.
Twilight sighed, and reached up to lift the impaled literature from her horn.
Freakin' guy. Made me stab my book! I can't believe the nerve of some poni–
"So what's your name?" Duhrell shouted, dropping himself down on Twilight's left.
"Ahhh!" she cried out. The sudden scare made Twilight discharge some magic upward, completely disintegrating the book into ashes that fell down all over her food. She could feel her rage rising.
"So what is it? What's your name, sweetie? What is it? What's your name?" he urged her.
"It's Twilight ok! Twilight Sparkle," she answered loudly.
"Awh daaaamn! That's like a shitty ass romance novel, Twilight! That story had sparkles too. Do you like vampires huh? My little Bella. My Bella. My delicious looking alicorn. Yeah. Alright that's cool. That's cool," the stallion responded. Twilight looked up at his eyes expressionless. He stuck his tongue out of his mouth and obnoxiously licked his lips. The constant smacking and spluttering of his tongue made them disgustingly moist. He moaned softly as he continued the disgusting tongue dance.
" Mmmmmmmm...So liste– can I have your number? Can I have your number?"
WHAT THE HELL NUMBER IS HE TALKING ABOUT!
"What? No, listen this is my day off and I was trying to enjoy it but now... sorry I don't just give out my personal information to anypony at the park. I'm sorry. Just please let me enjoy my day," she growled at him.
"Oh okay that's cool. I can respect that. That's cool. Alright cool," he rose from her left, and proceeded to walk away again. Twilight looked down at the ashes that were once her favorite novel, and grumbled quietly to herself.
"Stupid stallion... making me burn my stupid book for a stupid number... I can't even begin to fathom how much I hate–"
Suddenly Twilight felt a great weight on her shoulder. Duhrell laid his head down on it and looked up at her.
"So why can't I have it?" he demanded.
"Holy shi–" Twilight jumped at his sudden appearance behind her. She scooted over and responded quickly.
"Because I just don't give out my private information to ponies!"
The grey stallion opened his eyes and mouth wide, finally seeming to understand.
Thank goodness. Twilight thought.
"OOOOOOH! Okay okay. I get it I get it..." he started.
Yes. Finally. Now you c–
"You being selective cause you an alicorn! Right? Right?"
"Um well no I–"
"You think a stallion can't handle the regalness of a long horn, right? Right?" he concluded. Twilight was dumbfounded.
"No actuall–" she started, but was yet again interrupted.
"You're all like Princess Cadence," he said.
"No I–"
"Princess Cadence."
"No I'm seriou–"
"Princess Cadence."
"No! I'm not being anything because I'm an alicorn I actual–"
Duhrell gasped, and stood up. He threw himself in front of Twilight, scattering the ashes of her destroyed book.
"Oh Twily... Twily... Twily, Twilight girl, Twilight, Twilight," Duhrell repeated himself consistently, his eyes wide and piercing yet full of true concern, "don't be insecure girl. Own that alicorn. Work that horn and those wings."
By this point Twilight had pretty much given up on her peaceful day. She looked up at the bothersome stallion and surrendered to him.
"Okay I will. Thank you, Duhrell," she replied with a fake smile. Duhrell smiled seductively and looked at Twilight from horn to flank.
"Awh damn. You kinda sexy when you take my advice."
Twilight let out a powerful cough, standing up quickly and looking towards the other ponies in the park hoping somepony noticed this pony harassing her. Duhrell continued to check her out which made Twilight chuckle nervously.
"Sooooooooooo listen," he started.
Oh dear Celestia please no.
"Can I have your number? Can I have it? Can I have it?"
"No, I–"
"Can I receive the number magically, that will transmit beams to my brain and down to my heart and I'll recognize it as your gorgeous-ass number?"
Twilight turned, and started to trot away quickly, with Duhrell right on her hooves.
"No, come on, can I have it? Can I? Can I? Can I please have it?" he continued to ask, each time his voice getting deeper and more desperate. He hopped clear over Twilight and turned in mid-air, landing right in front of her. He was near tears.
"CAN I HAVE IT? CAN I? CAN I HAVE IT?" he panted heavily, waiting for her response. Twilight by now, had just about enough of this pony. As she was about to respond Duhrell leaned in real closed and sniffed Twilight's neck. His eyes rolled back and he let out an awkward sigh. Twilight gagged.
"Can I have it?"
"No, look, it's about time that I head home. I appreciate your compliments but I really just wanna go home, and enjoy the rest of my day. Thanks anyway, but uh... yeah."
Duhrell turned his neck to the side and gave her a joyful smile.
"Oh okay! Okay, alright that's cool. That's cool. No worries no, I get it, I get it, that's cool. You wanna go home and try and like, revelate on the mysteries of literature and all that, yeah, that's cool I get it. You just keep doing your thaaaaaaaaaang and you know. All like Princess Cadence! Princess Cadence! Bella! Okay cool," he continued as he turned and cantered away, "I'm gonna miss you though. I'm gonna miss you..."
Twilight started to sprint at full speed away from the park, praying to Celestia that he wouldn't follow. As she galloped away, he continued to talk.
"I miss you. Alright girl enjoy your day!" he shouted to her as she disappeared in the distance.
"I love you," he whispered, licking his lips one last time.
Celestia moaned in complete ecstasy as she ripped her gold-plated heels off her hooves. After a long day going over taxes, speaking with the various diplomats of Canterlot and entertaining the washed up singer Sapphire Shores, Celestia was ready for a good nights rest.
Let Luna deal with all that shit for a while.
She threw herself onto her nice, soft, silky bed and let out a godly sigh. Her eyes slowly closed, and she could feel herself start to drift off into a wondrous sleep...
"Daaaaamn."
Celestia's heart dropped and she opened her eyes in panic.
"So listen..."