QWER Spells 'Derp'
“Guys, I’m lost in the woods!”
Rainbow Dash snorted in exasperation as yet another spear flew over her head. Those damned demon-stallions just weren’t letting up, and the changeling behind them wouldn’t stop lobbing sticky-spells at her. Thank the Goddesses, if it weren’t for the blasted telepathy I’d never hear her...though that could honestly be a plus. Still, she was the one who had asked for help. As painful as it was for the world’s best flier to plead with the squad klutz, it would hurt a lot more to lose.
“Derpy, just follow the map toward me. You know you did pack a map in your saddlebags, right?”
“Oh, yeah! Ha! I’ll be there soon! Oh my Celestia that’s a big vulture…”
“Oh please hurry, that buffalo is really mean…” pleaded Fluttershy as she ducked behind her guards. It was all she could do to not fall back behind the tower in fear. Letting Derpy head up the middle path of the fight was something everypony agreed had been a poor idea, but when the hooves met the gravel, it was the best one they had. Now, with every last route to the enemy base a deadlock, it was up to her to clear the way.
“Yay! I finally found you! Ooh! That buffalo looks really weak, and I’ve got all my lightning ready. I’m gonna go get her!”
“NO!” screamed Rainbow Dash. “Wait until I go. Once you see me tornado the changeling over, then you can hit him.”
“Oh ok!”
Again the guards and the demons clashed, spears and swords meeting shields and flesh, the fourteenth time the battle had been joined since Celestia’s sun rose over the forest. Behind the mass of demons, the changeling barred his fangs, and the buffalo hoisted her battleaxe, once again felling the hapless guards, and driving the battle back again towards the battlements. Rainbow Dash watched with the keen eye of a master pegasus, holding off until just the right moment to strike. If everything came together just right, the gust of wind would drag the changeling into the tower, which would cripple him. Then, Fluttershy would hold him there long enough for Derpy to electrocute, and the battle would turn into a route.
Just as the third guard on the line fell the to blackened blade of a demon, the changleing went too far forward to try to finish the kill himself, and Dash saw her opening. “Wait for it...wait for it...now!”
Just as the changeling drew close enough for the siege engines atop the keep to fire, Dash streaked into the air, ripping the winds savagely in her wake. They bent to her will, and as she pulled into a spiral, they followed, turning into a vicious tornado. The whirlwind caught the changeling just as he took to the air, dragging him into the middle of the vortex. Helpless to resist, he was thrust into the winds, back towards the looming tower.
“Come on, Derpy, get him!” cried Rainbow Dash through the dizzy haze of driving the twister. For a tiny fraction of the split second she was on the far side of the arc, Dash saw Derpy rising above the trees, pulling her hammer from her belt to summon the power of the storm. Realizing help was on the way caused Dash to notice just how exhausted she was. After ten minutes of hoof-to-hoof combat, even holding a small tornado was a massive feat of exertion. With a gasp, she dived out of the raging winds, and prepared to let the changeling taste the steel of her blade.
The whirlwind was dying out, and the changeling gained just enough traction under his wings to back out of the way of the bolt of energy fired from the tower. Barely evading the blast, he twisted and ran aground; sliding into the middle of the melee still taking place between the guards and the demons with a thud. By a small twist of fate, the forward stride of the nearest demon put it standing atop the changeling, both beasts hissing their displeasure.
“YEAH!” Rising from the trees as slowly as a grey coal train, Derpy raised her forelegs and summoned the powers of the thunderstorm. Ten million volts escaped from the ground to rise to the heavens-utterly immolating the demon pony she had cast it upon. Slipping into a spin from the change in motion, Derpy fell into the canopy of the nearest tree, caught up in the branches. It was that moment that Fluttershy ran forward, and locked eyes with the changeling through the veil of falling ashes. He stood still for moment, then two before the compulsion broke and he turned to run.
In that moment, Dash swooped forward and stabbed him in the rump. Bits of green blood littered the forest floor as he bolted back behind the next wave of demons, far out of reach of any errant bolts of lightning, or any sword held by mortal hoof.
“Derpy!” cried Rainbow Dash. “Could you have messed up that gank any worse?”
“Sorry! I just don’t know--”
“Oh no you don’t! There is no ‘I don’t know what went wrong!’ Come on! We let you mid! And all you had to do was put the lightning bolt on the changeling and he would have been scattered ashes. How could you have missed?” Derpy hung her head, but Dash wasn’t finished with her tirade. “For Celestia’s sake, he was in a direct line! Don’t you even know how lightning works?”
At those words, Derpy’s head sprung back up. Fire glinted in her eyes, and a small spark formed at the end of her hoof. “Rainbow Dash, don’t you dare talk to me that way. If you say that again, I won’t be helping you any more.”
“Psh, you weren’t any help to begin with. Big words, you ditz.”
Lighting lashed out to strike Rainbow Dash. The boom rang out through the trees, causing everypony to drop to the ground. When the light and echo finally cleared, the faint smell of smoke filled the air. It was rising from the blackened remains of Dash’s tail.
The changeling pointed, and then fell over laughing. Half a second later, the buffalo followed suit, along with the demons and the guards. Fluttershy tried, Celestia bless her, tried not to laugh, but seeing a pony without a tail was just too much for her to bear. She let out one little giggle. But Dash never heard it. She was gone; a rainbow contrail leading the way back to the pool.