Official Report: The Diplomatic Castration
Official Report: The Diplomatic Castration
August 17, Celestial Year 1046
This report was written by Firestar, Captain of the Wonderbolts, and daughter to former Captain Spitfire. I wrote this report on one "Commander Tsunami", Commander of the Cloudsdale forces, and the "diplomatic incident" he got himself into. Written at the request of Princess Luna and the Council.
The event happened about two hours prior to the time of writing. The exact time is difficult to tell, due to the sun and moon being locked in place by the Revenant's dark magic, therefore putting us in a permanent night. Princess Luna believes this to be the same creature, or at least similar to the one that transformed her into Nightmare Moon. The fact that this thing possessed Princess Twilight Sparkle is... troubling. It calls itself "Twilight Night" now, and Princess Luna said it was provoked by the "death" of Twilight's wife, Rainbow Dash. It was a rash move to declare her dead, as no body was found. Many of us doubted she was actually dead. She was far too powerful, sharing in the power of the goddess Gaia with her wife.
Now, as we sit in this fortress city designed by Princess Twilight herself, with Cloudsdale relocated above, nopony has any idea what they're doing. If our dear Princess Celestia wasn't murdered by Twilight Night, I'm sure nopony would be this petrified.
The Council of Stalliongrad was, unsurprisingly, getting absolutely nothing productive done. They were scared and stubborn, each thinking their solution was the only solution.
“What are we going to do about this eternal night?”
“Our crops are dying in the fields.”
“We need to attack.”
“No, we should stay here.”
“What about sending for help?”
“No one will help us right now.”
“We can’t stay here forever.”
“Yes we can, there are seven years of provisions for twice this number.”
“We still have to do something about this eternal night.”
It just repeated from there. That is, until princess Luna finally had enough. I'm glad she stopped it, a few ponies looked ready to tear out their own manes.
“SILENCE! We have had enough of this bickering. No pony will talk out of turn again!”
It wasn't the first time that day, or even that hour, that she had to do that. Something happened between the white Unicorn, Rarity, and her daughter, Ataxia. I admit, I wasn't paying attention to them. I was focused on the newest speaker.
“Princess Luna, if I may address the floor.”
Luna looked up at the new speaker. She was rubbing the bandages that covered the majority of her chest. According to other reports, she was lucky to escape with her life, and a few burns.
“Of course, the floor recognizes Commander Tsunami, leader of the Cloudsdale militia.”
Commander Tsunami was a pearl-white Pegasus with a light blue mane and tail. His Cutie Mark was a rising star. I have no idea how he earned that, but Princess Cadance is quoted as saying "It should be a knife in the back".
As he took the floor, I moved aside out of courtesy, not respect. He actually nodded a 'thank you' to me. I wasn't falling for his ruse. I heard several whispers from around the room, and I thought I heard the working of magic. After quickly looking around the room, I only saw a faint outline around Cadance and her son, Radiant Star, disappear. I think one of them was about to cast a spell of some sort, but I couldn't tell. Not like it was necessary anyway.
Many ponies know the story of Commander Tsunami's "betrayal" of Prince Shining Armor. On the day he died, the Commander was at his side in battle. The fact that he escaped unscathed led many ponies to believe that he fled like the narcissistic coward he is, thereby indirectly killing Prince Shining. The military hearing that ensued later cleared him of all charges, but many ponies still fought it. The members of the hearing were, in fact, appointed by Tsunami himself a few years back. He had the mark of an Absolute Ruler, giving positions of power to friends who would never turn against him, and if they did, he would just fire them.
I quickly noticed several ponies who looked quite peeved to see the Commander. Among them were Cadance, Radiant, and Rarity. Shining Armor was Princess Twilight's older brother, and his untimely end had caused her unprecedented sadness. It was felt throughout Equestria, as both Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor were both highly respected individuals. Twilight's sadness seemed to extend its reach through her close friends, and especially her wife, Princess Rainbow Dash. As for Princess Cadance and young Prince Radiant, well, it was her husband and his father.
The Commander sat down and began his speech of propaganda and indoctrination. I'll give that to him, he sure has a way of using words... to turn ponies against his 'enemies' and rallying them behind his unmerited cause.
“Friends, we have sat in this same room for several days now, listening to the same arguments being tossed back and forth, all for what? Nothing, for three days we have accomplished nothing. Yes, we each have our concerns; however, they all treat the symptoms of the problem, and not the problem itself. Friends, we have to deal with the actual issue at hoof.”
I knew where this was going as soon as he opened his mouth. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. I noticed both Princess Luna and Cadance looking unsteady at his words. To me, it seemed like he was repeating the same phrase over and over. "We got nothing done. Let's get something done."
“Friends, we need to focus on the cause of all this. We need to concentrate on the actual problem itself, putting one hundred percent of our effort into catching the one who is responsible for all the suffering we have endured over the past week, and that pony is… Twilight Sparkle.”
Okay, you know what? Buck this formal BS. I'm giving my honest opinion on this douche nozzle from here on out.
What I find sad is, everypony in the room already knew the story, explained by Princess Luna herself. Yet, they still just jumped blindly to Tsunami's cause. They were all afraid, looking for something to pin this whole thing on, and they followed the first pony who seemed like they knew what they were talking about. The bastard exploited their emotions, using them to blame everything on Princess Twilight. She was not responsible for her own actions, and everypony knew it, but words can destroy nations when coming off an evil tongue. With just a brief speech, he turned Twilight Sparkle into a conduit for everypony's hatred.
I didn't expect anypony to stay silent for long. Princess Cadance clearly would not let this backstabbing, traitorous filth slander her sister-in-law's name.
“Enough!” Cadance shouted at the top of her lungs. Princess Cadance never shouted, no matter how pissed she got. This was an obvious sign to everypony else, saying 'Shut the buck up or I will tear your spine out your rectum and hang you with it after beating you senseless with it.'.
“Twilight is not responsible for her actions. I WILL NOT have this turn into a witch hunt. Yes we need to stop her, however, we also need to bring her back to us.”
Commander Tsunami just gave that annoying little dipshit grin of his, which made me want to beat him within an inch of his life.
“Well of course her former foal sitter, sister, and fellow Princess would say that. It just goes to show the depth of her treachery.” I swear this mother bucker SO deserved what happened to him.
“Treachery…” Princess Cadance had fallen into the Commander's little word-trap. Leave it to him to try a dirty shitbucket tactic like that.
“Yes dear Princess, treachery, Twilight Sparkle destroyed Canterlot, the Capital of Equestria for a thousand years. She declared war on all of Equestria by sending her minions to attack a hospital in Manehattan, she is at least partially responsible for cutting Equestria in half, and if that was not enough, she beheaded our dear leader, Princess Celestia in cold blood."
Rarity sprang to Princess Twilight's defense next. No wonder Twilight was so popular, she had the most loyal friends possible behind her. “Twilight Sparkle would never, and she wasn’t responsible for any of that!”
“Twilight Sparkle is a traitor, a coward and a murderer. I say this to every pony here. Former Princess Twilight Sparkle is a betraying whore who needs to be executed on sight!” What really irked me most about this snide, condescending remark, was that he knew none of the shit he spewed from his mouth was true. He just wanted Twilight gone forever, and he was basking in his little victory. Ponies were actually cheering for this bucker. Fear leads ponies to blind loyalty.
Luna stood, ready to defend Twilight against this sorry excuse for a pile of fecal matter. She strained herself standing, but it was irrelevant. Everypony was blinded by a rainbow-colored flash. Before anypony's sight returned to them, we all heard a loud, familiar voice. One that we never expected to hear again. Get ready, shit's about to get FUBAR.
“SAY IT AGAIN!”
Nopony spoke, everypony too shocked to say another word. When my vision finally returned, I saw Commander Tsunami being driven up against the back wall. He was hanging by his traitorous neck, and was clearly scared shitless. The look on his face was bucking priceless. I still don't know what was better; the look of utter terror from him, or the look of complete shock on everypony else. Two golden wings were keeping him in place on the wall several hooves above the ground, and blood was leaking down his neck. As the wing’s sharp feathers cut into either side of his neck, the tips of the wings stabbed into the wall, he squirmed like the little shitworm he his. The other ends of the wings were attached to a cyan blue mare.
It was Rainbow Dash, without a doubt. Rumors say that her wings were eaten by the Changeling Queen. Princess Twilight had literally willed these magnificent golden wings into existence. Before snapping the Queen's neck. Or something like that.
Right now, she looked awful. Covered in gashes that still leaked blood, one eye swollen, and I couldn't tell for sure, but I think she was missing a few teeth.
“Say it again.” She was pissed off beyond comprehension.
“What?” The coward was nearly hyperventilating.
“What you said earlier, call my wife a traitor, a murder, and a coward, call her a whore who needs to be executed on sight.”
The next moment was the second best in my life. Commander Tsunami, so high-and-mighty, so condescending, and for all the bravado and credit he had upon himself, pissed all over the floor.
Out of formal courtesy only, I tried to calm her down. I walked up beside her, and wasn't even able to finish a single word. “Rai…”
As soon as I spoke, I saw an extremely sharp feather nearly blind me as it came within an inch of my eye. A hoof took her wing's place on the wall.
“I am not speaking to anypony else right now, and I will not be interrupted. So sit down and shut up. This piece of filth and I are having a conversation.”
That piece of shit was most certainly not worth risking my neck over, so I did as I was told. I'm glad I did, as I lived to fly another day.
“I will tell you one more time. Say. It. Again.” Princess Rainbow removed her hoof and returned her wing to his neck, which caused more blood to flow.
“…”
“Oh, you won’t say it now?”
“…” I'm not sure it's a good thing he kept quiet.
“What wrong? Cat got your tongue?” She reached a hoof up and forced his mouth open, causing him to gag slightly. “Hmm, no, that’s not that case, it’s still in there. Maybe you just lack the balls to say that to me.”
“…”
Rainbow Dash reached down and grabbed his balls, causing the narcissist hanging from the wall to yelp in pain, and causing all the stallions in the room to give a groan of sympathy. “That’s not it either; they're still there as well.” She let go all too soon. She should have just crushed them there.
“Well the problem must be a mental one, you seem to have the balls to say stuff like that when nopony around is going to do anything about it, but you lack them when somepony confronts your bullshit head on. Well, if you are not going to use them when it matters, I say you shouldn’t have them at all.”
I noticed the slightest hint of a smile on Princess Luna's face. She was clearly amused, and wanted this to happen. She would do nothing to stop it.
Rainbow Dash removed both of her wings from the wall. I think I saw one twitch forward before he fell to the ground. She must have moved it incredibly fast, because when he did hit the ground, his genitalia were no longer attached to his body. “You better hope that somepony here likes you enough to get you medical attention.” There it is; The first best moment of my life. Princess Rainbow Dash had chopped Tsunami's balls off.
Everything about the Commander was so wrong. He looked down on everypony, backstabbed everypony in his way, and had a bad attitude for the record books. Ponies around the room were smiling. Now, this burn mark on the face of Equestria wouldn't be able to contaminate the world with his spawn who would undoubtedly be just like him. As if anypony wanted to get with that piece of shit.
Princess Cadance's son Radiant tried to ask a question. “Rainbow…”
One of Rainbow Dash's wings shot forward. It was easy enough to tell that she didn't intend to kill him, only make a threat. “The next words I want to hear will tell me what happened to my wife. Anything else and you lose your tongue.” As everypony in the room momentarily found out, this was towards everypony.
Lieutenant Blazing Light was my second in command of the Wonderbolts, and personal protégé of Tsunami. I wish she had learned before now how to keep her mouth shut. “Are we really going to let one pony threaten everypony in this room?”
A golden blur followed her last word, slicing her tongue clean out of her mouth. She gasped, along with everypony else in the room, and covered her mouth with her hoof. The worst part was, that was the same wing that cut Tsunami's pride and joy off. I can't imagine how that tasted in the brief milliseconds that she could still taste.
“Don’t worry, it won’t kill you, however, you will never speak out of turn again. Now, I will repeat myself one more time, what the buck happened to my wife?” I had the feeling that if nopony gave her the answers, she would probably kill all of us, or castrate us, or cut our tongues out.
“We will tell you Rainbow.”
Princess Luna didn't want her to hurt any more of us. “Rainbow, Twilight has been possessed by a Revenant similar to the Nightmare that possessed us for a thousand years. She is raising an army and seeks our destruction.”
Rainbow paused near the wall, she stood on her hind legs and leaned against it, “Oh,” she replied. “Is that all?” Her wounds finally beat out her endurance and she fainted to the ground. Her golden wings wrapped around her, their immense magical power healing her broken body.
Several Guards ran up to the golden cocoon, pointing spears at it menacingly. Before any of those idiots could do any damage, Luna threatened them. “If anypony touches her, they will share Commander Tsunami’s fate.”
I actually had to hold back laughter at that point. I held it until somepony finally picked up the jerk with no junk and carried him away. I was hoping it was to a morgue, not a hospital. I turned to notice the golden cocoon being carried out by Princess Luna's magic. As she left the room, she said “Dismissed, same time tomorrow!” I saw the slightest crack of a smile on her face. Hell, I don't blame her. The giggles were starting to escape me, and I high-tailed out of there as fast as my wings would carry me.
Thanks to Tsunami, we got even less done. Oh well, it was one helluva wake-up call. Maybe now we can focus on the task at hoof. We have a city to defend and a Princess to reclaim.
Laying in bed, Princess Luna smiled as she read the final words of the report. While it wasn't exactly formal all the way through, it was an accurate enough description of what happened.
She levitated the report across the room to her desk. She may need to do some "tasteful editing". But that would wait for tomorrow. Now, the day's events had her exhausted. She would visit Rainbow in the infirmary as well, and fill her in on everything she missed while she was missing, and hopefully get an explanation as to how she was even alive.
She turned under the covers and closed he eyes, sleep taking her within seconds. She rested knowing one thing about Tsunami:
That egotistical jackass deserved it.