Give love, take pain; take love, give pain
Fluttershy and I walked in the pitch darkness of night, long after everypony had gone to sleep. A cacophony of crickets and other night critters accompanied us as we left Ponyville proper.
Of course I wouldn’t let Fluttershy go home all by herself, but I knew she’d try if I didn’t follow suit. She stayed several feet ahead of me, keeping a pretty slow pace as I respected her distance. Even without being able to see well, I could tell her head was dipped down, and her head gyrated slightly as if talking to somepony. The night hid her red puffy eyes, and mine, as well.
The ground beneath our hooves became rockier as me and Fluttershy transitioned into a thin forest. Not far from here, we could see the warm glow of her isolated cottage.
We approached the front door, and I watched as she pulled out the house key from her saddlebags. She didn’t make eye contact with me the entire time we walked.
I cleared my throat. “Good night.”
“Good night.”
The door closed behind her. She didn’t look back.
I stood in place, not sure what to think.
I had a lot of mixed feelings. If somepony were to ask me what was wrong right then and there, I wouldn’t have an accurate answer. It’s hard to explain, but some of my feelings are mine and some aren’t. My emotions – sorrow, aggravation, loneliness – feel “right”, as in it’s kind of the expected response and not surprising. But the other one, guilt, doesn’t feel like it should be there, perhaps because it’s the one Fluttershy wants me to feel. I honestly don’t have a reason to feel like I’ve done something wrong, but she thinks so, and thus that’s how I feel.
It was weird like that. Unless she never told me her “stare” worked on ponies, too, she was able to make me feel bad for doing things I never actually did. Maybe it’s just her ability to dig up past pain and smash it in my face? I dunno.
Hoping she didn’t know I was still there, I laid down on her front step. Ten minutes passed. The sound of animals rustling and yowling came most prominently from an open window to the side of the house. Between the noises, I could hear her sobbing. And I felt guilty again. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything was gonna be okay, but I couldn’t really do it in the “marefriend” way, anymore. That one’s because of me. It doesn’t sound as bad as you think.
I knew if I knocked on her door right now, she would answer – with shouts of anger and disgust. But she was also crying and needed somepony. What was I supposed to do?
I sighed. Craning my neck over my shoulder as I walked, I watched Fluttershy’s cottage shrink into the distance as the night sucked it out of my vision. I sobbed along with her.
* * * * *
I flew down into Ponyville’s market, laced in sweat and shaky from weather patrolling. Considering how sticky and close-to-smelly I was, I probably should’ve taken a shower first, but I didn’t want to pass this opportunity up. I didn’t dare try it for the first few days, but I just couldn’t leave things like this, anymore. I’ve waited long enough that we could talk to each other without flipping out, yet not so long that we started holding a grudge. This was the best time to do it.
Ponyville’s market was packed around 2:00 PM, which added an extra layer of challenge I didn’t need. Hoping she wasn’t already walking around in the streets, I ran my way to the animal feed stands. I bounded left and right between throngs of ponies until it came into clarity, and there she stood, completely unobscured from sight as if a higher power planned this moment.
I slowed down into a canter, hoping that would maybe somehow help my presentation. After piling a surprisingly large bag of seeds into her wheelbarrow, she turned around to see me. Our eyes locked. She waved, but showed little emotion.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hi.”
Short, awkward silence ensued, or as silent as a rush-hour market in the middle of the day could be.
“Uh, what’s up?”
She chewed her lip, possibly feeling less confident about staring me in the face. “Oh, just getting some seeds for my animal friends, again.”
“Yep,” I said weakly, “that’s cool.”
“I’m, umm… I’m going straight home from here. I’ll hang out with you and the girls, later.”
I popped the question before it was too late. “Wait! Uh, Fluttershy? Do you mind if I… um, go home with you?” My words grew weaker. “Because I, uh… I just wanted to talk to you. I think no time would be better, actually.”
A dissatisfied look grew on her face. It was a pool of dread and sickness.
“Yes. You can come home with me.”
“Awesome!” I shouted a bit too enthusiastically.
We finally made it out of the craziness that was the market, and transitioned straight out of town into some back roads. On our walk, Fluttershy’s wheelbarrow crunching over gravel was the loudest sound we had to listen to, but at least it wasn’t a bunch of ponies stuffing up our personal space. Now with some private time, I took advantage.
“So, Fluttershy-“
“Rainbow Dash-“
But she had the same idea, too.
“Ugh, I’m sorry Rainbow,” she said. “You go first.”
“Nah, I’d like to hear what you had to say.” I noticed she was more willing to walk closer to me today.
“Um, well…” She looked ahead as she walked. “I just wanted to say very I’m sorry I made you walk home with me past midnight. It was extremely wrong of me to do that. I would never ask you to do something like that for me, ever again.”
“It’s cool. I’d do that for you anytime. After all, you didn’t ask me to do it, so it’s not really your fault, anyway.”
“Thank you, Rainbow…” She grinned, but then her eyes darted back and forth as she gritted her teeth. “Um, and, uhh, well, this will sound really strange to you, Rainbow, but, umm…” Her words tapered out.
“But what? You can tell me.”
“Well…” She sighed. “After that night we had our argument, I kept thinking something bad was going to happen to you, and then that would’ve made it our last experience together. I didn’t really have a reason to think about that. I just did. It worried me all week.” She frowned.
“It’s okay, Fluttershy.” I put a forearm around her neck. “I think I understand.” She returned the favor, and we both embraced each other in an all-too satisfying, platonic hug. The butterflies our relationship started with welled back up in my stomach, but they also reminded me of why it ended.
As we continued on, we talked about whatever came to our minds, but the hardest stuff to keep from mentioning was our time together, which included almost everything we said. Anything besides that felt forced, as if we treated each other like strangers. The small talk we kept up dwindled into other subjects, such as Fluttershy keeping up with her animals and my desperate need for a shower, but whenever it started becoming about us, we turned quiet. We knew it would be best to handle it at the cottage. We were both scared.
And her little home, once again, came back into view. Strange – it was just a week ago, yet it felt like a month since we lived under the same roof.
* * * * *
Oh, man, have I ever mentioned how much I freakin’ love showering? It’s pure relief. When ponies talk about washing away their troubles, they’re talking about this. I think. Okay, that sounded stupid for some reason, but like I was saying, there’s really nothing like getting rid of all the sweat and dirt you accumulated after a hard day’s work. If I had to live in a place where I couldn’t shower, I’d probably be miserable.
I dried myself off and looked into the mirror. Finding Fluttershy’s brush, I combed down my hair, and made sure to swerve it a little to the side so it wouldn’t drape over my eyes. Just because I fly around like a maniac and let the wind blast through my hair doesn’t mean I avoid brushing. That’s a weird joke among the girls. I take care of myself a lot more than they think. And what would it matter if I didn’t? I shouldn’t have to care about other people’s opinions, anyway.
I came walking out of the bathroom, feeling clean and fresh – until the worldly scent of a petting zoo decided to ruin it. I’m away for a week and suddenly I can’t stand the smell of Fluttershy’s house, again?
Walking around all the little critters I became so familiar with, the kitchen entrance came into view as I peeked around inside. As usual, she brewed tea whenever I came home in the afternoon.
“Hi, Rainbow,” she said, somehow aware of me. “I figured we might as well have a little tea while we talk.”
“Oh, yeah, totally. Great idea.” I cantered inside, taking in the fresher smell. Fluttershy moved along the kitchen bar, grabbing different ingredients to put into the boiling hot tea.
I pulled up a seat. “I was never really good at brewing tea, y’know.” I leaned back a bit as I balanced myself on the chair’s rear legs. She used to get onto me over that, so I stopped. “You always got it just right, Fluttershy. I don’t know how you do it.”
She looked over her shoulder and smiled. “It just takes practice, dear. You can certainly do it when I help.” She ran her hooves under a pouring facet. “It’s more about memorization as opposed to simply throwing it in. There’s also different brands and flavors. You just have to pick the right ingredients and stick to them.” After drying her hooves off, she carefully chomped down on the kettle handle and brought it to the table. She poured two cups and carefully pushed one towards me. As always, it was the smoothest, sweetest tasting tea in the world, and I chugged half of it down in one gulp.
Fluttershy’s smiling weakened. “I’ll show you anytime how to make it.”
“Totally. I’ll look into that. Thanks, again. It’s always delicious.”
She nodded.
Animals rustled back in the living room. The inside of her cottage produced constant low-key ambience. I looked over Fluttershy’s head, spotting the clock on the wall: 4:30 PM. Then I looked back down and saw her drinking tea, mid-sip. She stared at me as she drunk, then placed the porcelain cup back on the table. Her smile was gone.
“So…” she said, “I guess you go first.”
“Yeah… So, uh…” My eyes followed the cup I was pushing around the table. “There were some things I didn’t get to say last weekend.”
“Of course.”
“And…” –my stomach growled loud enough for her to hear- “Um, you really missed out on a lot of serious detail. Like, I mean, stuff I was supposed to say.”
“Yes…” She took another sip.
“...Mostly because you didn’t let me say it.” I made the first move. She sat her cup down.
“Well, Rainbow, that’s because you already said all the things that were necessary to say last weekend. What you told me was just enough to absorb after I burst into tears.”
“Wait… You’re telling me I’m not allowed to tell you what I was gonna say?”
“No, no, it’s not that. I just couldn’t handle hearing anything else. That was all I could take, considering I’d just learned our relationship was never serious to begin with.”
“That’s not true at all,” I said. “I enjoyed every moment I spent with you, through the good times and bad. It wasn’t for long, but you made me forget what it was like not to have a special somepony waiting for you to come home, or sleeping without them at night. Whenever we had problems, we both knew we had each other to talk to. Your love and kindness was the best feeling in the world, and I wanted to make you feel the same way.” I meant every word I said.
“So why did you leave?”
Her anguish came pouring out. Calling it anger or sadness didn’t frame the whole picture.
“Well, that’s why I’m here.” I started shaking. Whether or not I was justified in what I did, all it took was a little misstep in my words and she’d completely run me over. “I didn’t get to tell you why. I planned out really hard in advance to make sure last weekend’s big reveal would go smooth and easy, but that didn’t happen.”
I cleared my throat. Her eyes drilled into my soul.
“When we first started out, my emotions were all real. I saw so much in you and it was so exciting.” I smiled honestly, then I wondered if that was a good idea. “But there was also a serious problem right from the very beginning, and it was so subtle I didn’t even notice it until months later.” I shook back and forth as I tried to deal with the nervousness. Her empathetic gaze never let up. “The more things went along, the more I noticed something was missing.”
“So I guess I wasn’t enough for you?”
“N-no! That’s not it! Look…” I placed my hooves on the table, giving her the most pleading look I could possibly manage. “Some mares a-are… They’re…”
That damn look on her face.
“You know, I- w-we’re all different and stuff like that, a-and we can’t change wh-what we like, right?” There was no easy way to say this, so I just spit it out. “Some mares are into stallions, and some mares are into other mares! And I’m just not one of those mares who-“
“I knew it!”
I shrunk.
“I wasn’t enough!” Her voice set on fire. “I can never be enough. I knew you’d say that. If this was a real relationship, you would’ve known it from the start. I can’t be enough for anypony.” Tears welled up.
“No!” I yelled. “Fluttershy, you’re putting words in my mouth! I never, ever said you weren’t enough! I just found out I was into stallions, not mares. That was it. I had no way of telling from the beginning, and now I know.”
“So what, then?” She choked back sobs. “Am I just supposed to forgive you and completely forget about it? You used me to test your sexual identity, Rainbow! How would you feel if a stallion you dated for three months decided he wasn’t into mares anymore, even though your life revolved around him?”
“I-I… Okay. Listen, Fluttershy, I never used you as a test subject, okay? Yeah, this was a gamble when I first jumped in because I completely trusted my emotions, but it had absolutely nothing to do with manipulation. I would never do that to you, ever. I spent so much time trying to figure out how to tell you without hurting your feelings because I knew you didn’t deserve losing your partner, but it had to be so. And that was my fault. I will take full responsibility for that.”
I stared her down harder than I intended. “Would you have preferred that I said nothing and just kept lying to you? And if memory serves right, you were basically begging for me to go out with you, so what was I supposed to do? Why can’t you just accept the truth?”
At first, Fluttershy seemed to calm down. Her tense demeanor diminished, but something else remained, something she was hiding with her anger. She looked down at her empty cup. Getting up, she reached over and grabbed the tea kettle in her teeth. I pulled back reflexively, afraid of what she might do with it. She poured herself another full cup and placed it back down. After wiping away her tears with a furry arm, she took the cup in her mouth and drew a long sip.
Then she placed it back on the table.
“When I was a little filly, I always thought it was normal for everypony to like the same sex. I never really thought much about it until I started noticing colts and fillies asking each other out, thinking it was strange. Of course, it was all little foal silliness, nothing serious, we were all just exploring our feelings. Nothing wrong with that, right?”
I nodded.
“So I thought I’d be like them and try it… Only with a filly,” she winced. “I won’t completely go into what happened, but it resulted in a lot of trouble for me and my parents.” She took a quick drink. “What I’m saying is… Since that day, every time I tried to get into a relationship, it always ended in the other pony not liking me enough. There was always something missing. They always seemed to be ready to leave. There was an explanation every time.”
She raised her hooves up, pantomiming past relationships. “Oh, Fluttershy, I’m so sorry but you’re just not my type.’ ‘Oh, Fluttershy, I’m sorry but I have feelings for another pony.’ ‘Oh, Fluttershy, you’ll find somepony special someday.” She looked back at me. “I guess I’ll just have to add this one to the list, too.”
“Fluttershy,” I facehoofed. “That’s normal. You’ll find ponies who like you and some who don’t. That’s how it is. Don’t you know how many times I’ve been shut down? Most of the time, I’m the one who has to ask out the stallion, not the other way around! How lame is that? I’m too embarrassed to even tell anypony about that! I probably failed at it more than you have!”
Her unamused expression never went away.
I had enough.
“You know what I think your problem is, Fluttershy?” I got off my chair, propping myself up on the table as I hunched over. “You’re so tangled up in your own stupid issues, you don’t even want to be happy. I bet anything if you had nothing to complain about or mope over, you’d go insane.”
Her jaw dropped. Something shook loose. I continued.
“Yeah, that’s right, you heard me: you love being in pain. I know you do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have reacted like you did. And some Element of Kindness you are, hon’! You don’t care whether or not I’m guilty of anything! You just want to blame your issues on me cause’ you’re too afraid to get rid of them, yourself!”
“Shut up!” Everything she was holding back came out full force. Completely unrestrained torrents of sadness wept out of her eyes. “Stop hurting me! I can’t take it anymore!”
And I watched on in horror as Fluttershy picked up the tea kettle with both hooves and hurled it right at me.
None of its contents poured on me, but it thunked very hard against my head, bouncing off into the corner as it spilled all over the floor. Holding my noggin, I endured the throbbing pain. “Aaaaaghh! Auughh! Fluttershy, what the hell’s wrong with you?”
I looked back. She was gone.
Then I turned around to the living room entrance, still holding my head.
It looked like every single animal in the entire house was peeking around the doorway. Bunnies, birds, frogs, a deer, that one bear. I looked back at them, not sure how to communicate my confusion and pain. I don’t think they knew, either.
The doorway to the backyard hung wide open. She was openly sobbing. Even if she’ll probably lash out at me, I wasn’t going to leave this time. I couldn’t handle another week of this.
Slowly and carefully, I cantered to the doorway, and watched her sitting all by herself on the back porch. She didn’t deserve being tortured this. No sight in the world was sadder than Fluttershy crying to herself.
For minutes, nothing changed. I stood in place like an idiot, and she continued sitting there, crying. I feared doing anything.
Fluttershy looked over at me. I looked back, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in my skull. She looked completely miserable: her eyes were completely red and bloodshot while the rest of her face was drenched in tears and sweat.
“I-i-I’m I- ah, ahh, I-…“ She could barely form syllables between her sobbing hiccups.
Sparing her the difficulty, I took the risk and walked outside into the warm sun. I took a seat right next to her.
“I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I know you hate me and everything, but at the very least, I don’t want us to lose each other. I didn’t meant to say all of that. I just feel stupid right now for leading you on for so long and then breaking it off. You deserved somepony better.”
She sniffled. “N-no… that’s not true at all, Rainbow. I’m crying because you’re right. I’m so selfish. I hit you with a tea kettle, for Celestia’s sake! What’s wrong with me!?” She nearly descended back into uncontrollable sobbing. “I-I’m r-really a monster underneath, I-I’ve just learned how to hide it. If everypony kn-knew I was really like… Like this… Then…” Her words tapered off into frustration.
“Of course you’re not really like this, Fluttershy. Don’t you remember what made our relationship important in the first place?”
Her devastated eyes met mine. “What was it?”
“It was that we always knew we had somepony. It’s the feeling that you don’t have to face life’s challenges alone, anymore. They’re the person that completes you. Maybe…” I rubbed my face, sighing. “Maybe there was some truth in what I said earlier. On some level, I really do think you’re attached to your depression. Could be wrong, though.”
“I think you’re right…” She broke her gaze with me. “It’s just… I think it’s been there for so long I’m almost too afraid for it to go away. I know how ridiculous that sounds.”
“No, not at all. I think I understand. I wish I knew more about this stuff cause’ I’d love to help in any way I can.” I tried changing the subject a little. “And aside from all of that, I know lots of ponies who’d trip over each other to have you as their marefriend. I think we both know this for a fact. Can’t forget that weird photo shooting phase you went through. What a relief that ended, eh?” I got a small giggle out of her. It made me feel better. Hopefully her, too.
The sun’s rays filtered through the forest canopy, enshrouding the quiet back yard. After all the drama and commotion, I noticed the warmth of the air again. Fluttershy scooted closer and hugged me around the waist with one forehoof. She looked at me.
“Rainbow?”
“Yeah?”
“I won’t ask you to be my marefriend, again, but…” She pleaded with her eyes. “Just… one more time?”
Caught off guard, I was a little shocked. But then I smiled. “Sure thing.”
Without delay, our eyes closed and our muzzles drew in as we softly kissed each other on the lips. Nothing but the sound of her nostrils breathing and the wind accompanied our last pact of love. As an unknown amount of time passed, the warmth of our bodies radiated into each other, as if we were specifically designed to share our life forces together. I felt her hooves hugging tighter and tighter around my waist. We both learned this was a language in itself, and it was regretfully obvious: she didn’t truly want me to leave. I could just imagine her now, brimming with joy and elation at the sound of me saying, “I take it back. I love you.” I could take that pain away from her as easily as I could give it, and that made me feel bad. It was such a burden, to know a pony has come to love you so much that just the sight of you perfects their day, as if that was all they needed in life. I wanted to say it, just to see her be happy again, but I knew I couldn’t make it last. I’d just break her heart again.
Not knowing how long we sat there kissing, I pulled away – Fluttershy wouldn’t.
“Thank you, Rainbow,” she said.
“No problem.”
The sun was lowering.
“I… I guess I’ll go home then,” I said.
“Okay. I’m still extremely sorry for hitting you. Let me know what I can do to make up for it.”
“Don’t do anything. It’s fine. That’ll pass.”
“Oh, and Rainbow?”
“Hm?”
She rested her hooves on my shoulders. “A part of us will forever belong to each other. We will never forget this. As much as we love all of our friends, we will always have this extra special connection. Never forget it, Rainbow.”
I put my hoof to the side of her face. “Of course I won’t. Thank you, Fluttershy. You’ll always be my best friend.”
Without going back inside Fluttershy’s cottage, I cantered out of her yard and waved back as she grew smaller and smaller into the distance.
As I walked, I couldn’t help but remember something she said earlier today:
“After that night we had our argument, I kept thinking something bad was going to happen to you, and then that would’ve made it our last experience together.”
Huh… What if it actually happened?