> Surprise! You're Engaged!
>  by Viking Hoof
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> A Tired Female Drinks Cranberry Juice (Edit For Awesomeness)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	

Life, for most, isn't an adventure. It's filled with highs and lows, excitement and dulldroms, and pretty much 90% of it is unknown, but it's more of an experience for most.

Unfortunately, I'm the guy who got a portal in his kitchen. The big blue one with the words "portal" written in red on either side.

More unfortunately, I'm the idiot who stepped in. 





Prancing Pony, Canterlot, 1/3/14

The Prancing Pony is your stereotypical bar of ill repute, common to all fictional settings, and New Jersey. There were the rough looking types, the ones who get roughed up, and a few mares and stallions available cheap enough for a sailor. The building itself was surprisingly nice, and the bar I sat at was made of a clean and well-polished Mahogany.

A bit out of character, at least for the setting, were the four photographs hanging on the wall behind the counter. There was one for each alicorn princess, denoting this establishment's owner as a royalist. Unfortunately I was physically incapable of running any further.

A nametag wearing earth stallion stepped up from behind the bar, and then he just kind of stared at me for a while.

I stared back at the stallion across the bar. He was a dull gray all over. Completely forgettable looks wise. I used to be like that, forgettable that is.

My body felt wrong. From head to toe, wrong. I was still in a bit of a daze from the run, and I felt like I was going to puke my guts out on the bar, but under all of that was a strange craving. 

"Can I have a cranberry juice?" The barkeep blinked for the first time, but he visibly calmed down and nodded. If I had to guess, he was probably just comforted by a familiar request in a unfamiliar situation.

"A bit of an odd order, but I can fill it. Up for sharing your troubles?" He asked with a strange acceptance of the situation. I looked at him over the cheap metal and expensive mahogany bar, then his picture of the four Equestrian Princesses, and then back to him. He was as good of confidant as any.

"I'm being married off against my will to someone I haven't met yet." He raised a eyebrow at me, but not at what I said. There was a sort of mood people had plastered to their face based on what they are raising an eyebrow to, he was raising an eyebrow to the way I talked, the racist. I refused to say anypony when Equestria had mules, griffons, and minotaurs. 

"A bit of a pickle you got yourself in. Any idea why the Princesses aren't stepping in? Last I heard it was illegal to do that kind of shit." The stallion asked with a gentle compassion that was tempered by not actually giving a fuck about what happened to me, but whose job it was to pretend he did. Still, it was sooo nice to hear a pony curse.

"It was their fucking idea. Apparently I'm someone's destined soul-mate, or some bullshit like that." The stallion's eyes went wide in confusion.

"Wait, you are that Alex?" He asked with a dawning realization. I nodded. I guess that this was public knowledge or something. I was a bit confused by my ability to run away in the first place, but then again Canterlotians put up with griffons and minotaurs.

Everything went a slightly reddish black.





Until I opened my eyes again. "Hey miss, are you okay?" The bartender inquired gently. I could feel bile and food stirring in my stomach. I shook my head no. "Miss, let me call the docs." I stopped him with a hand and shook my head no again. "Umm... I know this guy, ex doctor. Could he look at you?" Th-that wouldn't be too bad. I nodded. "okay sis, let me call him up." I felt my shoulders sag at 'sis.' Things hadn't been like this originally. I had a junk once. It was a nice junk. Not a ginormous one. It was a bit above average. There weren't many parts of me above average, as I've said before.

I was short, I had been plain, I used to be chubby, I still wasn't a genius (Thankfully, what Celestia did to me seemed to have knocked my weight down fifty or sixty pounds.), I wasn't a super artist. I was Alex, plain and simple. I had two middle names, that was cool I guess. Both began with E, so people just gave me one middle initial, which kind of eliminated the point of having two middle names, which is the fact my parents can't decide between two middle names, or at least make a compromise. 

I used to be a brown head, but now I'm a redhead. Thankfully my hair is still short, but I'm beginning to think my body fits the pixie cut too well. I used to have a flat chest, now I have two average sized mounds. A lot has changed, but sadly my thighs remain fat.

The stallion came back with a bucket and a cranberry juice. I took the juice. He placed the bucket underneath my head as I took a long draw from my cup. It was the same as Earth cranberry juice, totally delicious. The stallion offered me a second glass. he was a unicorn, so it just hung there in the air. I was getting used to that still. It was weird seeing things float like a volunteer at a magic show, ya'know... No, I guess you wouldn't,

It was sort of like seeing everything you know getting thumbed at. It was a little sad too. You realize your old world had no real magic anymore, or that it never did.

I miss video games. It had been less than a day, and I was already going through video game withdrawal. I was so pathetic. At least my female body didn't take the fun out of them... unless it did and my wanting to play was just fond memories.

Damn gender flip left me with all these damn hormones, or was I just this... down? I don't know. I was just an idiot I guess, no, I'm pretty certain I'm an idiot. Female, or male I could be pretty stupid. Maybe that was my special talent, if I had one. Would a human in Equestria get a cutiemark? What does a stupidity cutiemark look like?

A dunce cap. I would get a dunce cap cutiemark. It would be large, so large no clothes could hide it. I would be the laughing stock of whatever town I wished to call home... Except I wouldn't get any say in what I called home, because I was getting married off to a griffon princess. I wonder if it would be Gilda. I'd read several stories of Gilda being a Griffonian Princess. It seemed a bit silly to me, surely a princess had a proper way of telling a pink floozy to fuck off and let her have some time alone with her friend without using the word 'dweeb'. Namely, calling her a pink floozy and telling her to fuck off so you could have some time with a friend you haven't seen for YEARS.

Whoever this princess was, she liked chicks more than guys. It is why I'm a chick now. How I became a chick is debatable, but apparently, they've been using a spell for generations that would provide the best suitor for the Griffonian princess secondus (or second in line for the throne princess for those who don't read enough fantasy, dweebs.). They got tired of using ponies, so they decided this century to use aliens instead, namely me. They claim that the whole me being female thing is part of fate and the passage over, but I think that they did it on purpose. I'm not sure why they wouldn't get a female to begin with, but I'm beginning to think it's because they had forgot to ask her preference first. Either way, it showed the whole "destined couple" thing to be pure bullshit, which made this a job for Pen and Teller.

I could use some good magic tricks right now. Good old, dishonest, earth magic. Something I knew was completely and truly fake, not unlike this honest unicorn magic, with it being real and all. I needed a magician, of the money stealing variety. Someone who would pick my pocket while pulling spare change out of my ear, perhaps my own change if he was really good. Someone to pocket my tens while making ones appear before my very eyes, A charlatan.

A bucket would do too. Oh wait, I had a bucket.

I felt my guts heave out and their contents splatter on the cheap vinyl floor, missing the bucket entirely. I have terrible aim by the way. Some of the contents were fish, some were hay (eaten before I carefully, clearly, and loudly explained to ponies that I couldn't eat any mother fucking hay.), and a few very special bits were...blood. Those weren't any good at all.

"Buck this miss, I'm calling the hospital!" And my only lifeline dashed into the other room, shit. Things went black before the stallion came back.
> Friendly Chats (132words longer)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	 	I awoke to the sound of a motherly voice chastising me. Which was weird because I was normally woken up by my father.

"Alex, I am very disappointed." I didn't bother opening my eyes. I knew Celestia was the speaker, and I knew my physical body resided in either a hospital or a castle. Hopefully the first possibility. I needed all the public exposure I could get. It was all part of the ingenious plan I was just now coming up with.

Step one) get the public's attention.

Step two)...

Yeah, it was a work in progress. I think Black Adder would have been proud. "Alex I know you're awake." I could feel a warm equine snout press against my side. I knew it was equine not because I'd ever been nuzzled by a horse, but because I was always pretty good with that context clues shit. It certainly wasn't what I imagined a beak felt like. Everything here had a beak or a snout, and only ponies would be nearby, of the snouted creatures.

See? Equine snout. Now, this equine snout was damp and fury, and whatever genius pony that it was attached to had decided to target my neck. Ya know, like a jerk.

"Aaaalex, I know you're awaaaake." The voice, that could only be Celestia, informed as there was a momentary lull in the nuzzling. This of course made Celestia being the nuzzler a certainty. See? Total jerk.

"Hoo away." I told her in no uncertain terms, but the nuzzling began again.

And continued.

And continued.

And- 

"FINE, FUCK IT, I'M UP!" I screamed all at once hoping to at least give the Princess a jolt, but there was no such luck. All my new alto voice did was remind me that me body was short one John Thomas. It would have been a nice voice, for a girl.

"Alex, why did you run away?"  She asked, perfectly calm, the bitch. I gave her a incredulous look, because I was incredulous Gorramit! After all they...

"I was transplanted into a magical land, R-63ed, and told to marry a total stranger." I reminded her, a bit loudly. She looked unfazed.

"So?" She asked.

"SO?!" I responded understandably. "I WAS KIDNAPPED, BODY RAPED, AND TOLD TO MARRY A TOTAL STRANGER." A reminded her again.

"Don't be so dramatic. We didn't kidnap or body rape you." Celestia chided. "You walked into the portal, and it was the journey here that changed your gender." Gorram dictator!

"If a girl walks into a taxi, and she is never heard from again, that doesn't make it not a kidnapping, and yes you did body rape me. I don't believe the whole 'the journey changed you' bull crap for a second." I told her. 

"You're paranoid." She answered.

"You're full of crap." I countered.

"Keep addressing me like that, and I will let the guards show you what full of crap feels like in the most literal way possible." She warned me. I promptly shut up. See Celestia? I could be good. She smiled smugly, the cunt. "I can read your mind too Alex, and I'm interested to see just how much gender roles have created our insults. I imagine dick for you is cunt for us, and vice versa." Huh, that was interesting oh shit she could read my mind.

"From the look on your face, I'm assuming you took me seriously." Then she can't read minds? "Of course not!" Wait a minute...

Trollestia burst out into a painfully loud laugh. I ignored her, I ignored the déjà-vu, and I stormed out. I marched and marched and marched for all of two steps, right up to the spears. Then I marched right back into the hospital room.

"Funny how you managed to get out of bed and out the door before I could react." Celestia commented offhandedly. I didn't dignify her unstated question with a response. "Would a hug help your issues?" I was nodding before I could verbally object. Alicorn hugs just felt safe, ironically. I swear the bitch was using dark magic to influence the way I thought.

Celestia, true to her cold dictator heart, leaned in a whispered in my ear, "now, you are going to be very good for Rarity in a moment. You are going to look good all dressed up for your date, or you are going to go naked."

Fuck My Life.




Standing in high heel slippers in a strange castle is weird. Warm stone walls are weird. Boobs are weird, bras are weird, being a girl was most definetly weird. Everything was all off, and I'm pretty sure I count as a pegasister now. Could you be both a fan of my little pony, the fictional show, and hate the ponies in real life? Would it be like loving the role an actor plays, but hating the actor who played the role while sharing an apartment with said actor? Or would it be like... loving the movie about a guy, but hating the dude himself?

More likely the second thing, because I'm pretty sure the MLP voice actors were all rockin' peeps. 

Did I just think the phrase, 'rockin' peeps?

I must be going crazy! Maybe I would snap and stab Rarity to death with her own fucking clothespins for making this dress fitting last a literal four hours? Don't judge me, I had a watch on. She had me standing here, for four fucking hours. You'd want to stab her to death with a clothespin too!

"Don't worry, darling. Just a few more adjustments. Your mammaries are much softer than I had predicted." I blushed brightly at the comment. Why the frack was Rarity sexually harassing me? "It reminds me of fitting a dress for Fluttershy. Poor dear's flanks were like damn pillows." Why was Rarity telling me all of this? Why couldn't I get that image out of my head?

"Ahh, at least you won't have any bed issues with your destined one." I blanched as I realized that rarity had a spell going on every inch of fabric I was wearing, and she could tell what shape ever piece of me was. I reconsidered stabbing her. She could probably choke me to death with my own... was this a blouse? How did a pony know how to make a blouse?!

Damn magic.

"Don't get so tense darling. It doesn't befit a fine young virgin such as yourself." Okay, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I knew for a fact that mare's would be embarrassed about being virgins in this dimension. She had just tried to insult me, or she was this dimension's gay guy who creeps out everyone, including other gay guys. Not the old creepy gay guys, but the young ones who are all sexually harrassy and talk weirdly and... holy shit Rarity was the creepy gay guy of the mane 6!

So either she was insulting me like a bitch, or molesting me in her imagination...

"Frack you and frack this, I don't have to take this." I stormed past the mare before she could gather her wits and kicked my slippers off before making a run for it, again, and again, there were guards with spears.

I felt tears streaming down my face now, finally swelling over the dam I had been building. I just couldn't build fast enough to keep ahead of the tears. Maybe I just had too many fucks to give again.  I had run out at some point, back on Earth. 

I smiled softly as I reminded myself of the good parts. I was still human. I was going to get servants, I was finally going to get laid. I might be as a girl, and I might technically raped, but sex was sex, or so I thought as a male. It had gotten to the point back then where I wouldn't mind which gender I could attract as long as someone wanted me, but I eventually realized I was bi anyway.

Thinking of it now, sex was starting to sound kind of scary. Not in that nervous, but ultimately just anxious manner, but in the fact that fucking a female griffon might be both painful and terminal. Those things had claws. There was the added hymen factor, and the possibility she'd hate me so much she'd just kill me on purpose, whoever this mystery princess was.

So many scary thoughts, so little time.

I ignored Rarity as she tried to comfort me. Ends up I was right about her being the creepy gay guy err .. girl of the mane 6. She was hitting on me while I was crying, total creep. Normally I'd be all for pity hugs and shit, even from creepers, but she was trying to belay stage fright instead of my actual cold heart breaking depression. It served to both make me sadder and angrier.

Eventually Rarity got a clue and just dragged me back to the freaking standing platform. She was thankfully quiet this time.





I sat "alone" in Rarity's little dressing room of doom. I ignored the bright colors, I ignored the watching guards, and I ignored Rarity obsessing over my new daily dress. I had to, or I'd be neck deep in a personal hell. 

I miss my penis. I miss it so bad. It was a nice penis. I never got to use it, but there was always a chance of love in my future. Now, all I had to look forward to was getting legally raped by a griffon. The world is a crazy place, on any world, and in any dimension.

Hmm, I wonder which was worse in terms of fucked-upedness. The US was still a no marijuana zone, Equestria was forcing me to marry a stranger, the US kept gay marriage illegal in most states, Equestria had changed my gender, the US was being taken over by Young Earth Creationists... The US was more fucked up. Damn young earth creationists made being married off and raped look good. Heh, never thought I'd say that.

So, now that I was done pitying myself, how would I escape my evil imprisonment? My earlier plan was ditched when I realized that ponies believed in bullshit like true love, and would never accept the idea that Celestia had forced a gender change on me. My only hope was to escape to another nation, but the problem with that was a Snowden situation where it was go back or be trapped in some third world hellhole.

That wasn't an option at all, which left getting married off and raped. The worst part was that I kept thinking about all that "forced" porn, which was kind of hot, but here I was about to get raped and it really was not, hot. I mean, it's one thing to get off to lesbian BDSM porn, but a whole other thing to be under the whip, or soon to be under the whip anyway.

M-maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I mean, surely Celestia couldn't be that evil. Right? Maybe this griffon princess would sweep me off my feet and pamper me and... holy fuck I just thought that.

I'll admit I was a bi guy, and that really softened the whole transgender blow, but even so I'd never gone that far into that sort of romantic fantasy. Still... hugs were pretty awesome now, and I'd been a hug lover before. Maybe griffon wing hugs would compensate or balance out the fact that I was going to get raped. Heck, I'd settle for Stockholm syndrome now.

Except now the more I contemplated, the more a Snowden situation looked better. I'm pretty sure I'd avoid becoming a exotic sex slave if I was public enough.

Maybe-

"LET ME SEE THE FUCKING HUMAN!" A completely unfamiliar, but stunningly frightening voice screeched from down the hall. I immediately began reviewing who I'd pissed off so badly. "YOU'VE MADE ME LOOK LIKE A MAD MARE LONG ENOUGH!" Ohh holy shit Lyra!

"Sorry about that babe, some nut job is trying to mess up our special meeting." A scarily familiar voice whispered from behind me. I noticed immediately that both the guards and Rarity were gone. Ohh fuck no. "Now, how exactly do I get that dress off of you?" That voice whispered in a gruff but sultry manner. Red fucking alert, brain, give me a answer.

"Hey buddy, dinner and a movie first!" Thanks brain. I turned around and backed up before the griffon could catch up. She looked suitably confused. Afterall ponies and griffons had probably never heard of-

"Hey, wait a second. Those movies are like magic plays, right? Twilight put them on a list of things you might mention." Oh- "I could swing two tickets to Captain Equestria: Winter Warrior." -Shit. I stared at the griffon wide eyed in fear, but I could see that it was invoking some instinctual response in the griffon.

Brain, act cool or she'll tear us limb from limb, no pressure. 
Dammit Jim, I'm a brain not a freezer! 
Wrong kind of act cool brain.

"Mmm, I see you are checking these wings and talons out." Huh? "Are you sure you want to wait until after the movie? We've got the room all to ourselves right now."

"LET ME SEE THE FUCKING HUMAN!" The mare I assumed to be Lyra shouted angrily even closer to our location. Gilda glanced angrily in the direction of the voice. That voice chilled something deep inside me, deeper than Gilda's sultry voice touched. Gilda was interested, but mystery mare was obsessed.

I'd rather fuck a griffon than meet a human enthusiast. I swear Equestria had to be setting up these bad or bat shit insane choice scenarios on purpose. Obsessed mare or horny griffon was just a crazier trade off than could be plausible, ever.

"Were you being honest about the whole movie thing?" I asked earnestly. Possibly abusive Gilda beat obviously bonkers mares.  The perturbed griffon nodded. "Can we get some burgers to eat?" Gilda's face lit up like a child on Christmas morning.

"What about, baconburgers?" BACON?! They... they had bacon? Maybe Gilda wouldn't be too bad? Gilda must have seen the eagerness in my eyes, or the drool in my slack mouth. "Baconburgers it is sweet thighs." Sweet thighs? The nerve of some griffons. To offer baconburgers while calling me fat. 

Why did I care if she called me sweet thighs?

Arrgg, I knew some of this insecurity was related to my new damn body. I don't know if it was hormones or just the fact I changed genders, but something was fucking up my head. I didn't care how I looked before all of this.
> Discovering Your Arranged Marriage Will Work If Bacon Is In The Contract
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Me and Gilda approached Celestia's petitioning hall to gain permission to leave. Every hallway or so we could hear the obsessed mare howling for her 'HUMAN!' I imagine it would have killed the mood of any proper damsel, but all I wanted from this evening was a nice juicy bacon burger, perhaps with added chili.

"Do griffon's eat chili?" I asked immediately. Gilda blinked back.

"Huh?" Came her singlular eloquent syllable.

"Do Griffon's eat chili?" I asked again. She blinked as if processing, and then her eyes lit up like a sex addict in an orgy. I really needed more analogies for the twinkle in Gilda's eyes. It was almost pretty, if I wasn't thinking about how I'd have to be married to her without my asking.

"You eat chili too?! Thank Faust," so Faustian WAS the world religion, "I thought I'd be shacked up with some dweebish vegetarian." Huh, maybe I was wrong about this whole marriage thing. Maybe Gilda wasn't so hot on the idea either.

"So, can we get some chili?" I asked again, hoping to refocus her and butter her up for the harder questions. Gilda nodded eagerly, but the froze as if conflicted.

"Wait, so do you want chili or bacon burgers?" She asked as if the decision hurt her. Smiling, I put her out of her misery.

"Why not both?" I inquired almost deviously. Her eyes got twinklier than Twilight's Ass, and I knew immediately that any marriage contract that included bacon, burger, and chili in it would be, at the least, safe.

"Bacon..." She took a deep breath, "chili..." another breath, "burger." She fainted. Had griffons never thought of this before? Maybe, maybe I could open up a famous line of chili burger restaurants?... nah, I can't cook worth shit. Hope me and Gilda get servants, or we were probably boned food wise. Maybe she got a "eating out every damn night," stipend?

I roused the griffon with a light pat on the shoulder. I would have just kicked her, but to be honest I didn't want to risk getting mauled. Luckily, the tactic worked, and the griffon stirred. I took a moment to really size up the griffon.

Overall, she had just about mass as I did. Laying side to side would put her about the same length I would be. It was an almost "romantic" scene. Too bad, I don't like it at all.

"Get up, feather ball." I intoned once to get her moving faster. It works, surprisingly, and she is up within seconds. She's looking at me funny.

"I don't take that from little girls like you. We should go back to that room so I can show you who's the apex predator here." Fuck, fuck, fuck, and FUCK! That's now what I meant to happen at all, except... why not?... NO!... bad things lead down that road. To my instant relief Gilda broke out laughing instead. "Don't worry Sweet Thighs, I'm not that rough or rude." Again with the Sweet Thighs? "Still, I like that look in your eyes, we should explore it later." Fuck... still, at least she is using words like "should," and "maybe."

"Dinner, and a movie, I'm not going to think about all this bullshit until later." Gilda gave me a confused look.

"I appreciate the foulmouthedness and all, but what bullshit are you referring to?" What, she seriously didn't know?

"It's not like they asked me to marry you! I got snatched from my home, I was a guy!"

"YOU WERE A GUY?!" Gilda screeched incredulous, like that was the least fucked up thing I said. "But... you... everything screams chick?! No way, this is just some dumb way to get out of our marriage. Forget it! It's not like they asked me either, don't be a bitch and start a war just because you think you are so much more important than million of lives!" I-I had no idea. I guess she could see it, because she softened up immediately. "This is hard for me too. Let's just get through this, and have some fun in the process. We are going to be spending a lot of time together, and stop with the bullshit. There is no way you were a guy."

I'm not sure how to take an alien telling me that I had to be female. Maybe the genders were flipped for her race. Maybe that's why she was so assertive. I... I'd ask, but not now. Now was a bad time. She was obviously hurting as much as I was, it was just a bit more subtle for her. I'm not sure how I knew. No it wasn't love, but I guess ponies could theoretically summon up someone who could understand someone else, and Gilda had been doing a surprisingly good job of toeing my line.

...nah.

"Look, we need to get to know each other before... y'know. This just shows that more than ever. I shouldn't have tried to rush things." Was this really Gilda? Perhaps all griffons looked the same to humans, and I was just mistaking her for the infamous griffon.

"What's, your name?" I ask, deciding to cut out the middleman.

"Gilda, Princess Gliding Dagger, aka Gilda." So it was Gilda, or maybe a griffon of the same name?

"Do you know Rainbow Dash?" I asked slowly, deciding to get to the heart of the manner.

"I know Princess Rainbow Dash... I used to know her well, but not anymore." Wait, Princess? No. Stop thinking, go to Celestia, get permission to go out, and get something to eat. Stop fucking up and hurting the griffoness you might just marry. 
Gliding Dagger and I sat patiently on a luxurious couch in the waiting room. Apparently there was some law stipulating that Celestia must see 6 petitioners before any guest. I don't know who would make such a stupid law, and I'm pretty sure it's just more bullshit. Still, it gave me and Gilda time to stew in our awkwardness.

Did I mention I think Celestia's a jerk? She's a jerk, a big fat flanked jerk. Still, if this is the treatment that boob bearers got, what happened to penis possessors? I knew stallions got the shaft, figuratively (though literally would be kind of hot), but how bad was it really? Would they have even told me what was going on? Would I have been forced to live in the bedroom?.. nah, that'd be silly. Ponyville had to be more conservative, and stallions were out and about there!

Still it was fun to imagine the "Roaman" pegasi kidnapping all the stallions from a nearby village and lavishing them with constant group mare on single stallion sex. It made more sense then the raping of human woman turning into love did. Blegh, too dark. I let my mind switch over to some good old... huh, apparently I was addicted to porn in my old life, it was the only thing I seemed to be able to reference back to to cheer up with. Kinda sad really. Still, it was some damn fine porn, art really in some cases. Speaking of clop, would I really have to fuck Gilda? I mean she was kind of lean and... no, if they made me it was rape.

I ignored the urge to slam my fist against the gilded armrest. Anger would be destructive right now, not to mention painful, and I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of Gilda. Her eyes might try to twinkle again, and I'm pretty sure any more twinkling would result in her exploding, somehow. Was I thinking about sparks? Sparks in her eye might cause her to spontaneously combust. But, was I assuming twinkling did the same, or was it a instinct?

I suddenly realized that a 6 petitioner limit would limit interference from nobles, and prevent those in powerful positions using their power to interfere with the running of court. I suddenly sympathized with Celestia, but if nobles could do that then the law probably was bullshit. Good bullshit, but bullshit nonetheless. 

I was lifted from my thoughts by a stirring from Gilda. 

"Don't dweeb out now, they are letting us in." How on earth did a princess get "dweeb" as her go to insult, catchphrase, and probably favorite snack food? Did her father refuse to fire her teachers when they started playing rap and hardcore funk late at night? Why did I not know what kind of music someone who said "dweeb" listened to?

Probably only Faust knew what music Gilda listened to, or I guess I could just ask Gilda and find out. "Focus!" Ohh yeah, Celestia, permission... date... How did I get roped into this again?

"GIVE ME MY HUMAN,YOU BITCH!" Ohh yeah. I hurried up behind Gilda and put her between me and the screeching nut job. A big griffon like Gilda could probably mop the floor with even an obsessed unicorn, if magic wasn't in play. but surely the Griffons had to have anti magic defenses, or why would there even be a chance at war? There had to be, Gilda couldn't get hurt because of me.

... what? No seriously, what? I barely knew her! Why would I think that? I mean... I guess I've thought it about most people... so it isn't really romantic? I guess I just don't value my life highly enough for me to put my life before others... yeah, that was it.

"A date?" A familiar and evil voice intoned almost quizically. Immediately I turned my head to the tyrant and glared. Celestia smiled back, the bitch. "I'm glad to see you two newlyweds finding true love so rapidly. I believe I can approve this outing, just be sure to avoid-"

"MY HUMAN!" A now familiar, but still nameless, mare roared from quite nearby.

"-her. My guards will redouble their attempts to detain her." Gilda jumped a little at the approval, and I guess I did too? She seemed honestly really happy about it, which was weird because we still knew very little about each other. I gave the griffon a wary look just to make sure she wasn't hiding anything.

She looked clean, but one could never be sure with aliens. They kidnapped and genderswapped me afterall... still, it wasn't that bad having tits. Sure, I was dreadfully scared of starting PMS, but maybe they had a spell for that? It meant that I got treated better than male me probably would have, but I had trouble giving a shit in the face of already being forced into a marriage. I had my own problems, regardless of the fact I had a... why did it feel wrong to think pussy? Don't tell me it was another "girl" thing! I looked sexist enough without my own body forcing shit on me!

I found myself suddenly being tugged towards the entrance to the castle, which doubled as the main exit. She looked almost eager, it was cute. Cuter than a pet bird or kitten trying to earn a new cheezburgr. I'm not sure how, but it made we want to tussle her little crest of feathers that emulated hair.

Instead I found myself hugging her. I'm not sure how my body did it without my authorization, but I told it very sternly that we would be having a various serious discussion later, after I escaped the impossibly safe feeling wing hug, if I could ever get up the nerve to escape. I guess it was like a cleaner, less kickable, womb, in a way.

> The Dinner
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

IT WAS A FEAST WORTHY OF GODS! Hamburgers with chili and bacon stacked as high as the eye could see, sodas and fine wine. Me and my queen lorded over the restaurant, and the peasants treated us as is proper!




1 hour earlier




I smiled at Gilda as we strutted through the evening air. My dress was a bit cool, but it... I was about to be happy about a dress. Ohh my god this dimension was... flared nicely as I walked, showing off shin and ankles to the griffon besides ... Something was seriously wrong, was this... me. Gilda kept coming out with funny jokes, that were more awkward than... hey! Those jokes were damn funny... most I'd heard, but Gilda pulled them off.





"Luna, please stop flipping switches in Alex's brain. It's not cool!" Luna pouted, but she got her hoof off the unlabbeled switch.





I felt relief flood through my system as the sudden mood swings stopped. With one hand I rested against Gilda, and with the other I made sure my skirt was down. Gilda gave me a concerned look, but I pointed towards the restaurant, now in sight. Smiling, she leaned over and... kissed my stomach? My midriff was covered, but she did it while I was watching.

"Gilda, what was that?" Gilda looked surprised at the question.

"You mean?" Gilda kissed my stomach again. I nodded. "I saw some griffons checking you out, and I needed to tell them to fuck off." Gilda said, as if that explained everything somehow.

"Why?" Gilda gave me a confused look, and then "ohh"ed with brilliant realization.

"Ahh, it's a griffon thing. It's not too intimate, but it's a clear sign to everyone nearby that I'm feeding you and you trust me enough to allow my beak near your guts." That... made a lot of sense. Wait-

"What does feeding me have to do with it?" Another confused look from Gilda.

"When one griffon feeds another, the supplier is... the driving force in the relationship?" Bullshit alarms went off in my head. Gilda didn't seem to be the type of griffon who used long words that way. That meant that dialogue was scripted, and such a action would carry a more personal meaning than that.

"Really?" I asked her, hoping to relay my suspicion. Gilda looked away ashamed.

"It also means I'm on top in public and ... between the sheets. Don't worry, it's not nearly as big of a deal as say, kissing your throat in public." Gilda admitted blushingly. I fought, and lost against, the urge to facepalm. "So, what's your favorite candy?" Gilda asked, obviously trying to change the subject. I gave her a roll of the eyes, but let the awkward topic die.

"I like really sour candies." I answered, giving a smile to reinforce my liking of sour candies, because I secretly loved sour candies.

"Ohh cool." Gilda responded nonchalantly, but her wing did a funny twitch that she was obviously trying to draw attention away from by checking out her own talons, or vice versa. Had she just signaled something? I'd guess I'd find out later.

I smiled as I whipped my I-phone out of a hidden pocket. I had stepped into the portal with a bunch of camping supplies. No Internet, but it still had guy me's porn saved on it. Y'know, I just realized that they could probably give me Internet with some quantum entanglement and cords. Celestia could send a few agents over, purchase a house, get it Internet, do some quantum entanglement shit, and get all the stuff from my home too! I... I admit it sounds selfish, but if I was going to have to marry to prevent a war, they could at least do that for me. Plus, Equestria would get computing, and train hackers, and I could covertly get revenge on China for hacking my computer back on Earth.

That's if I married into royalty. Hmm, I'd ask for my stuff now, and ask for the Internet at the last minute. I could ask right after the date, before any... no... I was not even considering hanky-panky. Not even if it got me Internet... I mean it... Maybe.

"Hey, whatcha thinking about?" Gilda asked. Obviously I couldn't tell her what I was thinking, bad things lay down that road, but I couldn't tell her nothing.  So I asked her the first thing that popped into my head.

"What does wine taste like?" Well, what would you ask a member of royalty?

Gilda gave the nonsequitor question a customary confused look, but settled into a contemplative consideration.

"Most of them taste like rotten grapes, but a few of them taste kind of fruity." Gilda answered. Nothing I hadn't heard before. I looked up, the restaurant was right in front of us now. Gilda noticed it to, and inside we went.

It was a really upscale burger joint, that's all I can describe it as. It's like a five star restaurant that appealed to big carnivorous diplomats who had dalliances with fries. Griffons and minotaurs in suits and dresses loitered about the area. It was pretty swanky.

A griffon with a impossible mustache on his beak went wide eyed at the sight of us. A few seconds later, and a whirlwind of feathers, me and Gilda were seated. A waiter came over to our table, and Gilda pulled him in to whisper into his ear. 

He fainted. Weird right? I know for a fact Gilda's breath wasn't that bad.

A few seconds later he was roused and sent back to the kitchen. There were several more "thumps," similar to the one the waiter made when he hit the floor. Was bad breath... I remembered Gilda's reaction to the idea of a chili bacon burger. 

Ohh.

There were thousands of shouted, but excited, phone calls. Then the food started arriving, and arriving, and arriving.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWESOME! Bacon, burgers, and chili were EVERYWHERE! It was like a wet dream of spices, buns, and meats delivered from the kitchens of VALHALLA! The few pony guests fled the establishment as their limited meat tolerance was far exceeded by our debaucherous acts of consumption. Other guests eyed our food hungrily, I assume they did not order the same because Gilda declared this to be a food fit for only royalty. I glanced over to Gilda, to the other hungry guests, and then back to Gilda. She sighed in defeat, but rose up to speak.

"EAT UP EVERYFEATHER!" She bellowed in a truly tribal fashion, and at once the previously stuffy and well clothed griffons charged our table, desperate for a taste of the feast. I lost track of how many of the fancily small burgers I had eaten when griffons started shoving strange glasses filled with red and purple liquids into my hands. For some reason I kept thinking grapes. 

Things started to get blurry. My head began to swim. 

We ended up missing the movie.
> Fine Wine Wednesday
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I awoke with a throbbing groaning pain imbedded deep in my brain. I wanted to scream out, but I imagine that it would go badly for my headache if I did. I tried to pull my blanket over myself, but found something anchoring it on my right.

"Hey sexy." My logic side threw up its hands and decided to let instinct scream my head off. The weight on my right disappeared, and instinct took the chance to throw the blanket over my head. There was a thunderous giggle, and I suddenly found my cotton fortress to be no match for a pair of claws as they dove under my arms and tickled me silly.

"S-s-top!" I begged pityfully as the blunted digits tickled and rubbed my armpits. The griffon was merciless, and I was defenseless. Gilda drove me to the edge of wetting my sheets before letting me surrender, and sparing me the cost of cleaning silk.

"You are such a lightweight." Gilda informed me while lifting up my blanket. I gave her a weak smile hoping she wouldn't tickle me again. She smiled back. "So, how does it feel to own the chili burger patent?" A patent-

"Really?" I enquired gently, a little shocked. Gilda nodded.

"You are taking in the Grios pretty rapidly now." Gilda informed me, as if it was something completely normal.

"So... where am I?" I asked, not recognizing the deep woods and paint adorning the room.

"My room, sweet cheeks. Couldn't get you down the stairs to your room." Damn Gilda calling me Sweet Cheeks! Still that explained me not recognizing the place, now for question two.

"Did we... fuck?" I asked, feeling much less shame than I expected. Gilda blinked and started to laugh.

"What would you do if I said yes?" Gilda teased, revealing that we hadn't. I reached over and petted her feathery crest.

"I'd demand you get Celestia to let me visit my dimension real quick. I need to check on my parents, and I want my computer." I told Gilda, only half joking. She blinked and looked thoughtful... ohh no.

"I'm guessing that works regardless if we've done it yet?" Gilda implied gently, and began to saunter over the remarkably large bed.

Shit, brain, this is the last time I swear! Fuck you Alex, just fuck her already. Brain, fine.

"Yes." I answered. Gilda went wide eyed, and I propped myself up on my elbows.

"Anything?" Gilda asked, hunger in her voice. I shivered, but couldn't find the will to say no. "Awesome." Gilda whispered sultrily into my ear. She leaned in, kissing my stomach again, sending tremors up my spine. Then she bolted out the window.

"Huh?"





I lay back on the bed, still stunned by this morning's events. If I really went through with this, I couldn't really call it rape, could I?

No you can't Alex.

I know brain, but I wouldn't be in this mess if you'd did your job and stopped me from mentioning the whole belongings back in reality thing.

I am you stupid.

I know, but... computer! I-wait, ha! You just called yourself stupid!

No, you did, idiot.

Ohh yeah... Wow this is pathetic.

Tell yourself about it.

Hardy har har, brain.

I was broken from my one mind comedic duet by the sound of a predator entering the room, Celestia.

"Hey, Alex. Gilda tells me you'll eat her out if I temporarily send you back to your own dimension." Celestia informed me. My immediate thought was to go 'no she didn't,' but my second thought reminded me that this was Gilda, and thus she probably did. I nodded in confirmation. "Good, but I'm afraid I can't send you back without a bomb-collar on."

"What?!" I shouted in surprise before my thoughts could catch up.

"Well duh, I need some way to ensure that you actually come back." I felt a ghostly Adam's apple drop in my throat. "Why do you want to go yourself instead of allowing myself to teleport the contents of your room?" Celestia asked as if that was an obvious question.

"One, I had no idea you could do that. Two, there are somethings on my computer that I have to change or they'll be useless without Internet." Celestia blinked in surprise as if realizing something.

"We have Internet. I can just have it routed to your room." Celestia intoned plainly... WHAT?! "Still, I'm assuming you are referring to your steam account? We've already hacked steam, made a new account, and transferred all your cloud data over." I- "You are way too easy to predict, Alex." Ohh, but why- "We couldn't let a missing person play on their Steam account. It would freak out your parents and get the account deleted."

Oh yeah... that. My parents! "Don't worry about them either. In a week or so we will be sending you back to explain how you felt wrong in your body and got a sex change. They will question the lack of scars, and your voice, but my agents have created some good lies for you.' I- "Now, don't blink."

There was a flash of light and the contents of my room were there when the spots cleared away. Of course Celestia would trick me. "I'll go give Gilda the good news."

For some reason that didn't bother me anymore .





Gilda strode in, as promised, moments later. She gave the furniture and assorted knick knacks one look over before unfurling her wings and pouncing onto me.

"Alex, are you sure you're up to this right now?" She asked to my immediate shock. The question stunned me, but it also punctured a hole in my armor that I could feel my anger draining out of. This wasn't so bad. I hadn't seriously expected her to be worried about me.

"I-" I blushed as the exact nature of the situation was finally realized in my mind. I was in a girl's body, in another dimension, under a horny griffon who was ten times my strength, and she was asking me if I was ready to get my brains fucked out. My old male brain screamed at me to say yes, my new female brain bits appeared to by blushing a bright red, logic was still hungover, and honor was stoically forcing blood into intimate parts to pressure me into fulfilling my word. "Ye-"

I was cut off by Gliding Dagger's beak as it pressed roughly against my mouth and let her tongue snake between my lips. the beak was strangely tender, and to my shock I could feel teeth against my lips as I gave into the tongue demanding entrance. Then, my world was spun around, and I found myself above the griffon, sitting. Gilda pushed me off her beak and sat me up. I just stared down, the shock had yet to wear off.

"Mmm," Gilda moaned, in what sounded like pleasure, before she pulled me back down against her chest. Before I could talk, I shook as her beak, teeth, and tongue pressed against my neck. I remembered what Gilda claimed it meant to griffons, but I couldn't resist it mentally or physically. Her beak opened up wide and she placed my throat into it, but I wasn't scared. She pulled back, smiling. She had claimed me, but it felt more like a wedding ring than a ball and chain. I was hers, but I owned a little of her too.

She wrapped her wings around my lower back and slowly pushed me forward by my hips. Her beak stayed in place, nipping and biting at each centimeter of flesh as it passed over her. She stopped right when I was sitting on her stomach, and she made me cry out by assaulting my still tender and new breasts. Her tongue took one, while her right claw came into play teasing the other. Most girls had years and years of things rubbing against there breasts, clothes and the such, to desensitize them. I had days, and the nerves were still fresh enough to describe every single bump and taste bud on Gikda's tongue. They were minute, but more than enough to send little quakes up my spine.

My back arched in pleasure as beak replaced tongue, and the sharp tugging sensation was combined with a single wing movement that ended in it slapping against my ass. Gilda smiled around my abused mammary, and spanked me again. The flash of pain and pleasure caused my body to jolt forward, until her beak pulled me back by my nipple. She did this again, and again, and again until I could feel the heat in both abused portions of my body. Then she switched to the other breast, and her other wing attacked my other cheek. This time I tried to call out, but before I could finish a word she forced out another moan instead with another slap. I tried twice more, but got the same result each time.

I collapsed against her fully, and Gilda finally relented. I lay there on her chest struggling to catch my breath. Gilda hadn't broken a sweat.

"You're doing good, but I'm not stopping till you're moaning like a little colt getting stuffed with my fingers." My heart beat out of my chest as colt was automatically translated to little girl. Something pointed but safe, hard but soft rubbed against the crotch of my silk panties. I looked down, and I realized I couldn't see her right hand. It disappeared somewhere behind or under my dress's skirt.

I finally found the will to talk.

"Gilda." I whispered, too out of breath to even talk.

"Mm?" She answered in a teasing moan against my neck. God, I needed to finish this so bad!

"Fuck me." I begged softly as I tried to catch my breath. Gilda's grin spread like wildfire, and my eyes flew open as a single talon pressed into me, in me, against things I had inside of me. Whiteness flashed as she rubbed that thing, stroked, pressed it, fucked it with her fingers. Sparks flew behind my eyes, sparks flew behind my eyes, but my brain was too fried to be scared. My whole body seized up and I could feel the finger being squeezed tight against my walls as a new clear liquid squirted gently from my body.

"Good girl." Gilda whispered, but my eyes were closed. Moments later I found sleep.
	
> That Afternoon.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Warmth.

Feathers.

Fur.

Light.

Sun.

I was awake now. The senses reporting in one at a time. My mind still processing the data, but my hard drive was just about warmed up.

"Hey sexy." A familiar and sultry voice whispered in my ear. I turned in something's warm embrace. There was another heartbeat besides mine. It was pleasantly synched with mine. Kind of like it was...

I slept with Gilda... holy shit. We, well, I got fucked... Wow. I didn't think I could survive something like that, much less enjoy it.

"Turn around." Gliding Dagger whispered gently. I couldn't see a reason not to, so I rolled a 180 while Gilda relaxed her hold on me. Hot breath brushed against my cheeks before the strange beak edge met my lips. No tongue this time. "Still not sure about the whole marriage thing," the griffon admitted, "but this is certainly different from my usual one night stand. Normally I'd have left out the window and come back in a few hours, long enough for most to leave."

I opened my eyes, and I looked up into Gilda's. They were such a pleasant amber. Funny, I hadn't noticed till now.

I think I have a crush on Gilda.

I didn't tell Gilda. How could I? We were already engaged anyway. It wouldn't really mean anything at this point. Still, things were looking up, I guess. I was about to marry a rich person my own age, I still had Internet and access to games, and I didn't have to worry about a job of college anymore.

If this room was any indicator, I'd be living it pretty a pretty opulent lifestyle as a Princess's wife... Whatever one would call that. The rich mahogany, or similar dark wood, paneling was far more than I'd ever be able to afford. If the internet was just as good...

But, were my freedoms really so cheap? Would money, Internet, and games really convince me to give up most of my rights?

Sadly, I couldn't really say no. I'd never needed much back on Earth. I hadn't been happy, but I had been content.

God I was-

"Mmph!" I cried out in surprise as a griffon's beak pressed against my lips. Instinctively I gave the lip like edge a soft lick. There was a rough but feminine chortle as Gilda pinched my arm.

"Very nice babe, but I'm going to be late. Huh? Late for-

"Aaaah!" "Thump." I groaned as I picked myself off the, thankfully, soft red carpeted ground and stood on my hands and knees. Late for what?!

"Mmmm, I like that position." Gilda whispered on the bed moments before four strong legs landed around me and fur brushed against my back.

"Gilda, I-I thought you were going to be late." I stuttered out, shocked and embarrassed. Gilda laughed gently into my ears, but climbed off slowly.

"I admit that I prefer pony ears; they are much easier to nibble on." Gilda admitted as I took off my stained and wrinkled dress. I gave her a suitably confused look. "Sorry." Was all she said in answer. Perhaps... she and Rainbow Dash, or some other pony, had been lovers?! Her tone was certainly sad, and I'd feel sorry if I brought up an ex's traits in front of a girl... If I ever had a ex or a girl.

I grimaced as the ‘juice’ stained lower part of the dress clung to my skin. Without a second thought I slipped off it and the panties underneath. I had on a bra last night, but it was no where to be seen.

Gilda was staring, and I realized that I had just undressed in front of someone I still barely knew. I know it's weird considering what we did this morning, but I hurriedly wrapped the blanket around my body in embarrassment.

"Ha! Now you're like a present to unwrap. I'm beginning to see why you humans liked clothing so much." I was too busy blushing to correct her, but I certainly planned on doing so later. 

“Don’t worry Sweet Thing,” well, it was better than Sweet Thighs, “I've got some work to do today. I’ll see you later.” And then Gilda just flew out the window.

I wondered what sort of work Gilda had. What sort of princess shit would anyone entrust to someone like Gilda? Was there a foreign Diplomatic and Sexual Harassment Department for Griffonia, or did they have a PaVPR (Public and Very Private Relations) Department? Both possibilities were funny and far from probable, and yet so was the idea of a land filled with magical talking ponies and being transported there to be a lesbian griffon’s fuck buddy for life.

I looked around. Where were my clothes? I mean, besides the girlcum soaked pile of ex-clothes in the corner.

I… shit. Gilda left me without clothes to wear!

“Madame?” A stuffy voice called from the hall. Thinking it was for Gilda, I let it go unanswered. “Miss … Alex?” The voice clarified, to my eminent shock. Being naked, aside from my blanket, I decided to just answer vocally instead of actually going to the door.

“Yeah?” I cringed as the syllable left my mouth. I knew that if I was going to live in a castle I couldn’t make it hard on myself, but sadly my mouth sometimes forgot that.

“ah-hum. Ma’am, I, your company’s representative, have a report for you.” I-huh? I guess Gilda had mentioned me having a patent, and Grios whatever those were, but what company?

“What company?” I decided to just ask. The voice cleared its throat.

“The… Bacon-Chili Burger Joints Inc. I believe that we've several franchise rights and policies to go over.” I… the fuck… I guess I just had to use this to my advantage.

“Get some of my clothes from my room, and bring them here. Then we talk.” I ordered sharply. There was a soft padded set of footsteps going away from my room. I let out a breath I hadn't noticed I was holding. You’d think that our body would immediately notice stuff like that, but apparently I was a stereotypical story character, bated breathe and all.

I sat down, blanket and all, and decided to visually check things out.

There were the aforementioned mahogany walls and furniture, and the soft red carpeted floors. The ceiling, now that I noticed it, was a pleasantly dark blue. I realized that a room like this was surprisingly well light, because despite the dark colors it seemed vibrant and bright. I turned about to discover the cause. I couldn't see a cause. 
Where in the room was this light coming from? Were…. wait. The shadows were all on the undersides of the furniture, so the room’s light was from above, but above was only… a dark blue ceiling?

I was looking up again, and, to my shock, what once was a dark blue now was bright blue sky, clouds and all. A breeze came in, and I blinked.

The sky was gone, leaving the dark blue ceiling.

Why, for fuck’s sake, was Gilda’s roof enchanted?! Why couldn't she just have windows like a normal person?! I… wait… she had left through a window! Where had it-

There was one right there on the wall, plain as day. How had I missed it?! I looked about the room, and was shocked, but not too shocked, to discover that the shadows now matched this new source of light.

With a groan, I collapsed back onto the bed as a headache hit me.
	
> Intermission: Alex's diaries and logs.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sneak smiles as the phone's home screen pops up, success! It had taken her a few hours, but she managed to figure out the password.

Right away she begins hunting for some sort of note or diary app. Finding Evernote, she tries that.

Success!

"12/13/13

Dear Diary, it's beginning to look like a lonely Christmas. About as I expected. My grandmother is still in Europe, and I'm still house sitting for her. The job I got still sucks, and refining my essays to apply for college next year and get scholarships sucks too. No luck on getting a date, but the only nearby town is pretty small."

The snooper turn the page.

"12/21/13

Dear Diary. Holy fucking shit. It just appeared in the fucking kitchen. A portal of some sorts just appeared in the kitchen. I thought about calling the police or news, but what if the other side is inhabitable? What if I could just disappear for a while? Live life without expenses or taxes? A few purchases now, and I could just play on my PC without Internet. I would need a source of food, but I can just buy some books on fishing and shit.

It's not like I have any friends to miss me anyway.

I'm going to run some tests, to find out what exactly my options are with this damn thing."





The unseen phone snatcher presses the play button cautiously. Right away a male voice begins talking. 

"Alex's portal log day 1. I've finally finished collecting everything I need! Oxygen is positive, and I've confirmed returnability. I'm stepping in tonight."

The recording cuts off, only to return a moment later.

"I just called my family, just in case things go bad. I couldn't go in without hearing their voices one last time. I... wait."

Another pause, a cut off like the last.

"I've just checked the temperature levels, and tested to see if there is sunshine on the other side. The thermostat says its a bit chilly, but the solar panel charged pretty quickly. I'm guessing the sun is a bit cooler, or something like that. I'm no astrophysicist."

Another pause.

"Okay, here is a vocal checklist of supplies. A tent, a compass, blank paper, pencils, my phone, a solar panel to charge my phone, snack bars, water bottles, rope, a knife, duct tape, a set of clothes, soap, a backpack, and a nice hat." The voice intones in a anxious manner.

There is a pause where the speaker is silent, except for a soft anxious breathing sound.

"I'm stepping in."

The recording begins spouting a cross between static and screams. This lasts for about three minutes.

After that is just soft and light breathing for a few seconds, and then.

"Hello!" A totally new voice, female, greets. It is one that the listener recognizes.

"THE FUCK?!" A very familiar, very feminine voice replies in a shrill scream.

End of logs.





The sneak slowly crawls back to the bed she had taken it from. The sleeper inside would be waking up any-

"Gilda, IS THAT MY FUCKING PHONE?" Alex, the last voice on the recording, screams in a startled but furious voice. Gilda, caught red clawed, promptly drops the phone and makes a break for it.
> Morning-Discussions
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Now, what do you say?" A nurse asks in her most annoyed and off put voice. Gilda, shockingly, manages to look abashed.

"Sorry for dropping your phone." Gilda drones/answers in equal annoyance, the jerk.

"Aaaaand?" The nurse prompts in a motherly fashion.

"I'm sorry for peaking at your phone's contents." Gilda finishes. Damn right she's sorry. No one touches my damn phone. Whatever sex or fun she had planned, Gilda can fucking cancel it.

"Now, Miss-" rub it in why don't you? "-Alex needs her bed rest." The nurse ordered. Instead of leaving, Gilda just smirked.

"But miss, I need my bed rest too!" Gilda bemoaned gently. I pointed to the door. "But, babe!" I raised up my thankfully intact phone in one hand and my middle finger with the other. Gilda just looked sly and sauntered out the door. Griffons, I doubt they'll ever make sense.

"Okay miss... y'know, you still need a new name. We can't keep calling you Alex." The nurse mentioned out of the blue.

"Huh?" I, eloquent as always.

"Well, you, technically, are the pony in the marriage. That means you have to change your name upon marriage. Obviously your first name will become Gliding," obviously? "but since you don't have a pony name, you will have to make one." I. What. Okay, let's start at question one.

"One, why do I take her first name?" The nurse looked surprised, and then face hoofed. Seems she realized that I wasn't privy to their traditions.

"It's part of the marriage. The pony must take the Griffon's clan name, and the Griffon tasked the pony's pony name, aka last name." Okay, that's not why, that's what. Sadly, I'm beginning to suspect there is no why anymore, just traditions upon traditions. Still, I could be wrong.

"Two, why can't Alex be my pony name?" The nurse looked faint. It reminded me of the "tradition" song from fiddler on the roof.

"Why, it says nothing about you! It doesn't denote your job or anything unique to you!" The nurse cried, as if it was obvious. I thought about telling her what the name it was short for meant. I decided, why not.

"It's short for Alexander, it means protector of man." The nurse blinked, but as she smiled a horrifying realization struck me.

This world was one of magic, and of prophecy. What I had just said would probably come back to fuck me harder than Gilda probably planned on doing, eventually. Sadly, I suspected that this was inevitable. Sometimes, it sucks when I'm marginally above average.

"That's so cool!" The still unnamed nurse shouted. So much for me needing bed rest then? "Why do you just go by Alexander then?" The nurse asked, perplexed.

"Well for one, Alex is quicker and easier. Secondly, I'm not actually the savior of man. It's just a name that's cool." The nurse was frowning again, and I suspected that a cultural gap was in play. "Thirdly, can I please get some bed rest?" I begged using her own words to embarrass her into shutting up already.

Thankfully, the nurse nodded blushingly and left.

Sadly, Gilda was back. I mentally noted to start bolting my windows, but unfortunately she had already gotten inside.

"Hey Alex, I got you roses!" How dare she-huh? Did Gilda actually use my name? Somehow she managed to attach a definite female gender to the normally genderless word, but it was better than Sweet Thighs.

I was blushing. Why was I blushing? Gilda handed me the roses before I could get my act together.

"Glad you like it. Normally I'd go for lilies, but that image on your phone had roses." That was both the most infuriating and most endearing sentence I'd ever heard. I mean, no one ever noticed things like that before. I had always been Alex, and everyone just moved on without ever stopping to notice stuff like that.

I was still blushing. Why couldn't I stop blushing. "What were the axes for anyway?" Gilda asks, actually sounding interested! I, I find myself wiping away a tear. Fuck, now I'm crying. Stupid fucking chemical feedback that our brains interpreted as emotions, why can't I ever catch a break with you?

"T-they are just something I got from a game I really liked, but they kinda led into my big Norse phase." I admitted blushingly. I felt more tears coming.

"H-hey, look, I really am sorry that I snuck onto your phone. I had no idea it was that big of a deal." Gilda stuttered, a bit confused by the sound of things. I wiped away the few tears that had spilled and smiled.

"I have a crush on you." I admitted softly. It was silly of me to hide it. Even if it was just the whole war thing, she wasn't trying to hurt me. Gilda, of course, was shocked. Yes, it did hurt when she didn't respond, but no I didn't break down crying and run away, even after a minute of waiting. She obviously wasn't horrified, just shocked into silence. I would get a yes or no eventually.

"okay." She, eventually, whispered. It wasn't a rejection in spirit or literally. Gilda just looked uncertain, and that meant she felt uncertain. I could live with that. ", but why are you crying?" Frack, was she dense or something?

"I'm crying because no one's ever asked that without prompting or me bringing it up, and no one has ever really been interested." I admitted, feeling surprisingly fresh with the admission. It's nice to admit being hurt to someone who cares. I'd done it often enough with people who didn't.

It took me a while, but with Gilda hugging me I managed to get my emotions back under control. I'd always thought of my myself as a romantic, even if I hadn't fallen in love every other hour. Now, with someone actually caring about what happened to me, I could see how easy it was to mistake gratitude and relief for love.

The roses smelled really nice. Gilda smelled nice too. What exactly was that she smelled like? Strawberries? How on Earth had she showered between being kicked out and sneaking back?

"Hey so, you okay now?" Gilda asked, not because she loved me, but because she was secretly a caring kind of griffon. I know that sounds weird, but at that moment I could just tell that to be true. It wasn't telepathy, it was just me being smart and not jumping too stupid, hopelessly unlikely, ideas. I also knew this because Gilda was obviously feeling awkward, instead of embarrassed, anxious, or excited. She was blushing, and she was looking back to the window for escape, but her heart wasn't racing, and her fur wasn't clammy.

So no, she didn't go all loving the poor and doing great works of charity, and no, she wasn't hopelessly in love with me. Gilda was here, with her wings around me, because she would feel bad if she left me crying.

I could definitely live with that. I'm not sure if I would have popped the question at this point back on Earth, but I wasn't going to seppuku out of this marriage either.

I do realize that this might have been brainwashing, and I also realized that it could be that and hormones. I knew that I was desperate, alone, and filled to the brim with fear, and Gilda could have been just a piece of debris I was holding to to keep out of despair. But, back on Earth, I had realized that love was crazy shit caused by hormones that controlled your mind. If Celestia influenced my peptides and dopamine releases, then my body would come to love Gilda whether or not it would have otherwise. If she trained my body to feel pleasure from just being around Gilda, then I would, and on the other hand it may have happened without her.

Thankfully, Gilda didn't seem abusive. She didn't disgust me, and she was willing to apologize. Even if I wouldn't be in magical love with her, I knew I could survive a relationship with her. In a world where immortals could do magically fun (for them) experiments on your brain, that was the best I could hope for.

"Hey so," Gilda's muscles loosened in light relief as she pulled out of the hug, "I think we need to discuss some stuff. There are things you need to know, and things I need to know." That sounded about right.

"Okay, where should we start" I asked, not really having any ideas myself. Gilda took a deep breath.

"Let's start with the war." I- "To begin with, no, neither Griffonia nor Equestria are hostile right now. In fact, we are pretty close." huh, wait what? Then why would they- "Do you know about sphere of influence?" Gilda asked, interrupting my thoughts. I, being the kid of a history teacher, knew damn well what a sphere of influence was. I'd better, or else. "Well, Equestria and Griffonia have accrued the largest sphere's of influence through diplomacy or conquest, mostly diplomacy." Makes sense, one had immortals, the other could literally attack anywhere at any time with large lion sized soldiers. "Well, that was back when we were fighting, but even now, after we've settled our differences, those spheres of influence still hold." Okay..

"Go on," Gilda blinked, as if surprised that I was following. Clearly, she had never met a incessant strategy gamer. This shit was easy. 

"Okay, now, the situation is bad, better than the old cold war, and way better than the Griffonia-Equestria War of Proliferation, but our nations can't be friends. Every single country in our sphere of influence has a enemy in the other's sphere. The second one of our countries tries to tear our sphere of influence down, to pull out, the other one's sphere might attack. If they do, and it's almost happened a few times, then the attacked country's big brother, whether it be Equestria or Griffonia, would have to step in." So this was like World War One if Each alliance had a huge super power behind them.

"Why not-" I stopped my mouth before I said something stupid. Two immortals had generations of experience dealing with it, and a bilateral alliance between Griffonia and Equestria would likely only work if they managed to proliferate that message to every single country in their sphere, and if there wasn't any way unbalanced enemies, and if there weren't any extremist groups that were waiting for the big peacekeepers to step out.

"This marriage, as silly as it seems, is our country's way of slowly breaking down the hostilities, and it's been working. My great great aunt couldn't even meet her wife except on the hereditary castle on the Equestrian-Griffonian border. My great aunt couldn't visit any country in the Equestrian sphere. We use big marriages to slowly break down the culturally engrained hatreds between our spheres." That... made a lot of sense. My marriage was the big royal wedding that boosts tourism from rich countries who have enough spare time to obsess over that sort of thing. "Now, we need to talk about your... sex." he he

"I assume you mean what I have between my legs, not what I do with it?" I ask, hoping to lighten the mood. Right now, the atmosphere of doom and gloom was suffocating. Predictably, my joke fell flat.

"Yes. Now, I get that you were a guy, and... I-" Was she giving me permission to turn back? "I've seen pics of you before the transformation to a girl. It's... not too bad?" About what I expected. I couldn't attract straight girls, much less lesbians. "If you... y'know." And that was the big question wasn't it. Did I want to go back? If I said yes, then I would be hurting Gilda, but if I said no I'd ... It was actually a question? I could never go back, I couldn't get out of this marriage without causing fucking wars, and I couldn't make Gilda straight. Realistically, I would be forced to live with Gilda for the rest of my life.

"I probably won't be going back, to my home or to my old body." I gulped nervously, and Gilda wrapped a wing around me. I-I needed to tell her that I was okay, that I could do this. "Plus, It's not like I ever had a chance as a guy, this is an improvement!" Fuck, BRAIN YOU IDIOT!

Gilda looked pretty damn sad now, I had fucked up royally.
> Second Dates-Celesticus Interrupticus-Cultloads of Fun!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Gilda suddenly jolted up with an emotion that startled me. Her eyes were burning with a fire of determination as she looked at me, the window, and then her wings. I, being the poor foolish ex lad that I was, didn't see it coming.

"We're going on a date." Was the only warning I got before she launched the two of us out through the aforementioned window.

I screamed, sky whipped through my hair, which still felt weird compared to my old hair, and I barely managed to catch my breath before she roared out of her dive and into a climb that almost forced me to unconsciousness.

She exited the climb right above the chimney height over what looked like a trading center. A second later I was on the ground, kissing it  and giving it the respect it deserves.

"Gilda, what the fu-"

"Second date, can't be late." Gilda answered chearfully.

"WHAT?!" I shouted in confusion, still recovering from my near death experience in the air just now. Gilda looked sly as she slowly helped me up and led me by the arm. The ponies nearby were still recovering, and she made it through a herd of them without a issue. I was too tired to care. 

We didn't stop until we were in front of a large outlet mall filled with ponies coming and going. Us stopping seemed to attract the attention of every single pony. It wasn't rubber necking, and it wasn't whiplash, it was literally just standing there and having every pony within a mile stop and stare. Obviously, it was the sort of unnerving situation Equestria had thrown me into on a hourly basis.

"Oh my gosh it's the princess and her fiancee!" A pony, probably young, shouted from among the crowd. Immediately there was a surge of autograph requests, babies to be kissed, and hot mares hitting on us both.

I'm not quite sure why that last one happened though. Gilda ignored the crowd with what seemed like practice, and instead politely lifted above the crowed. while holding me by my arm, and setting us back on the ground with the ponies behind us. Then, she ran. I, of course, hadn't expected this in the least, and my arm was roughly jerked in the socket before I could run with her.

We burst into the strangely medieval mall like a celebrity dragging another celebrity by her arm. Ponies inside had been going outside to greet us, and now Gilda's charge lead us right to them.

"Princess Gliding Dagger, please introduce us to your fiancée! We haven't heard much of anything besides her human origins." I heard shouted from a pony with a reporter hat and note pad. My skin paled as a dozen fanfics filled with dirt rag writers who  harassed and brought ruin to many a poor innocent character came to mind.

"I'm afraid that me and my beloved require much needed rest. We may talk more later if you are courteous." To my great surprise, Gilda answered in a surprisingly official sounding voice. The reporter, to my greater surprise, backed off as did much of the mini horse herd. We became an island in a sea of empty space as ponies passed by us to give us space.

I took the moment to look around at the half medieval, half modern mall. The windows to the outside were stain glass and smallish, and the doors to the outside were big and oak. Inside was a totally different set of materials. Here the glass and signs of modern preference were in prevalence. The floor was concrete, but I imagined that was easier on hooves than it was feet.

Holy shit... It was... a weapon shop. Right there in the middle of the mall. I thought these ponies were peaceful! There were dozens of pony shaped weapons, and a couple obviously designed for things with hands, swords, knives, axes and the like. In one window was...

My precious.

"Hey babe, what would you like to get?" Gilda asks innocently from behind me. I, being the genius I am, pointed to precious.

"But babe, that's a-" Gilda stuttered out confused.

"Gilda, I want that damn thing. If you want to get me anything, let it be that." I told her in no uncertain words. Gilda looked shocked, I looked hungrily back towards precious, and the world watched us in confusion.

"Let's go to the shop and get a closer look. I'm certain the second you see those sharp blades you are gonna be put off. No way the ponies gave me a real weapon nut as a fiancee." Gilda answered in a confused but otherwise certain voice. I just marched towards precious. 

Ponies got out of my way.

"Hello ma'am." a stallion in ironic pink greeted me when I stepped into the store. I said nothing, but pointed towards the window. The stallion blinked. 

"Something for a-" The stallion stopped dead in his tracks as Gilda stepped in. Apparently, he hadn't recognized me.

"I want the Griffon War Axe from the far right window." I told him in no uncertain terms, he gulped, but found the breath to give one last stupid quip. 

"Something for your bride to be then?" I shook my head no. He shut up.

Moments later I had that ax in my hands. It was beautiful, with a perfectly carved wooden handle, with a space for what I suspected to be a name or signature, and a head made of what looked to be a blue and wavy steel but it was hard to tell with the beautiful network of curls and knots and other Nordic fun things. It was damn fucking perfect, and I wanted it. What was the point of marrying a princess if you couldn't get cool loot?

Gilda gulped as she looked at the blade, the wuss.

"How much is this going to set me back" She asked in the tone of one who could afford such a expense, and was beginning to really wish she couldn't. The stallion paled, but then he got a mysterious glint in his eyes.

"How about a special princess discount?" He asked in the tone of one who had just thought of something devious. "You just have to wear it a few times in public, tell people where you got it. I'm pretty sure that's agreeable?" He asked slowly, not wanting to assume to much, but not wanting to miss what he thought to be an oppurtunity.

"How much?" Gilda asked again while smiling, obviously glad he paycheck wasn't taking as big of an hit.

"900 bits, with a 25% discount already factored in." The stallion answered hesitantly, not wanting to scare away customers. 

"875." Gilda countered, he was too relieved to argue, and that's how I got my first and best weapon.

I wonder what I should name it?\

I walked out of the store without naming my axe. Gilda walked out giving me funny looks. My axe sat comfortably in its sheath. All was well.

"Okay øks bærer, where to now?" Gilda asked, partly in a Scandinavian language, but I honestly had no idea which. I decided to ask her later.

"Now, we get something to eat!" I declared hungrily. Gilda's stomach gurgled in approval, but she herself just rolled her eyes. I realized with a wonderful certainty that I wanted pizza. A nice greasy large pizza with pepperoni and pineapple. Mmm, that sounds even better than bacon chili burgers. Doubly so if I could get a pizza like that one pizza I got in Austin. Wait...  "Do they even have pizza here?" I asked, uncertain. Gilda gave me a confused look.

"Do you mean that cheese and salad they serve on bread? Bittalian, right?" Ohh fuck. No New York Little Italy, no American pizza! This is the worst possible thing ever! Not inventing bacon chili burgers was one thing, but not inventing pizza was wayyyy... *sigh*

"Yeah, let's go get bacon chili burgers." I gave into my hungry gut. Reinventing pizza would have to wait for a Internet connection. Gilda looked uneasy.

"Look, if you really want pizza I can." I kissed her. I really fucking kissed her. Once the shock was gone from my system I felt myself go limp in her wings. They were warm. "Yo?"

"He, that's just for being considerate. No I don't want pizza, at least not pizza from this planet." I reacquired my strength about the time Gilda found her's. We picked ourselves up and she gave me a light squeeze. We pointedly ignored the staring crowd of "dawwwww"ing ponies, and she lead me out of the mall by my hand.

Gilda looked up into the sky and seemingly regained her fierce determination. I, with less dismay than before, was lifted up into the air and held aloft on dark brown wings. This time it was the infamous princess carry.

I didn't bother commenting on her choice of carrying position. I just has to assume that ponies and griffons called it something else, certainly, hopefully.

I'd ask about it later.

"Hello, I do believe this is a broach of protocol" A horribly familiar voice intoned with much gravitas. Most of the gravitas probably came from her big fat flanks. "And Alex, I do believe a 'I told you so' is in order." The voice continued. Gilda stopped mid-flight and I just kept my head buried in her feathers.

"Hello your majesty" Gilda greeted in a proper authoritative voice. She seemed strained, but she was carrying me and talking to Celestia, so that was to be expected. I didn't see what happened between them in the next few moments, but I found myself being carried back down slowly, gently. A few moments later Gilda's feathers became a untenable pillow as I was set standing upon the ground.

Left with no other option, I turned to confront Celestia.

"I told you so." So started and ended with that one sentence. I held back the urge to spit in her face, barely. Gilda somehow found this funny and ruffled my hair and...

Ohh yeah, I have fox ears and a fox tail, both blue. I'd kinda forgot about that, but here Gilda was messing with my fox ears. I wonder how they know they are fox ears, and not dog or pony ears? Wait, didn't fox ears have fur on the inside, white colored fur? I imagine that was a possible way of telling what species my ears were.

"Helloooo?" A obnoxiously motherly voice inquired in my left ear, I stepped back and glared at Celestia. "Awww, don't be that way. It's not like I have to wear the Element of Honesty anytime soon, and this way you got off on the right start." Celestia reasoned offhandedly. I caught Gilda glaring at Celestia in the corner of my eye, and wasted no time in joining back in.

"Geez, it's not like I didn't unite both of you with your true love from another dimension." Neither me nor Gilda saw any reason to stop. "Keep that up and I'll never give you internet." Fuck!

I turned away before I lost my last precious connection to my own world, and coincidentally all my Steam games. I could behave if I had too.

"Good, at least I have a leash on one of you. Now, since you two are doing such a good job doing exactly what I wanted, I've decided to reward you. No need to thank me." I ... huh?





There was a flash of teleportation and immediately all of my senses were assaulted at once. My ears rang with a wondrous "unce unce unce" as club music throbbed all around me. My eyes were blinded by what appeared to be a combination of pyrotechnical mastery, lasers, and smoke. My body shook with a great thunderous bass. My nose twitched as the deep smells of sweat, lust, cigarettes, and alcohol attacked all at once, and there was one other smell I didn't recognize.

Where the fuck was I? A club? A-

The fire and smoke cleared. All around us where graphic scenes of sex and consumption of the ilegal kind. Celestia glanced over to a mare I was shocked to recognize as Princess Luna.

"HEY SIS!" The Solar Sister bellowed over the music. A dozen ponies froze as they realized their Celestial goddess had caught them in a den of sin. Luna just laughed as she pulled her muzzle out from between a catatonic mare's back legs.

"Yeah?" Luna inquired playfully. Celestia turned back to me and Gilda and grinned.

"This fox/human promised to eat out this poor griffon, but never did." Oh fuck- "Mind teaching her the basics?" me! I looked up at Gilda horrified, and she looked down with much the same look. Luna just jumped over the dazed and appalled mare, who was now trying to cover herself, and trotted over to the two of us.

This was a fucking pony orgy!

"Now, Alex, what do you know about pleasing a mare?" Luna asked without a ounce of shame. I, still quite shocked at seeing the gamer mare, or at least the pony I had imagined to be a gamer mare, leading a orgy of this... complication, wasn't able to give much of an answer. "NOTHING?! Sister, we must start her lessons at once! I'm afraid that I can't allow her to practice on her beloved." I? huh? WHAT WAS GOING ON? "We must practice on one of the fine mares here. Luckily Gilda shouldn't be too different." I-

"Are you sure sister?" Celestia asked with a faux disappointed tone. "I had so hoped to witness this promise fulfilled now." Celestia continued, much to me and Gilda's much increased horror. Luna answered with a shake of her head.

"No, but I believe one or two nights of continuous lessons would have her ready to be the perfect...?" Luna let the sentence hang as a question for me and Gilda. A night guard came up, whispered something in Luna's ear, and trotted off. "The perfect Pet, for our dear friend Gilda!" She continued. 

Cold, cold, COLD shivers shot down my back, and Gilda clutched me protectively. Of course, that brought on a round of blushing from me, which got one from her, which left us defenseless to Luna's attempt to steal me away.

I got one last desperate look at Gilda and Celestia before a bright flash whisked the two of them away, leaving me in this pit of depravity.

"Ahh sister" Celestia's voice began, seemingly from no where. " I'm afraid they have a date to finish. You can have the little fox when the date is done."

Brain, please tell me that gave you an idea.

Simple, never let the date end.

Anything better?

Nope.

Bollocks.

Yep.

Another blinding flash ended what I guessed to be one of Luna's arguments against such actions, and I found myself back in Gilda's wings. I, being the super genius who forgets all about teleportation, latched on like there was no tomorrow.


Me and Gilda drifted off to the same burger joint that we went to ye-... er, day before yesterday? Day before day before yesterday? I'm not sure how long I was in the hospital... but did it really matter? I had no deadlines, no calenders, no reason to do much of anything with much urgency. I could just lay back and...

Get married.

Frick.

That kind of weighed down on life. I mean, Gilda was really considerate, and caring, and... stuff, but I'm still not sure I'd have popped the question back on the Big E. Sure she had made my body feel so... but marry her?...

We didn't talk during our delicious meal, but Gilda didn't suggest ending the date either. I guess she had come to the same conclusion I had, the only way to keep me out of Luna's sexual training was to keep the date going on. Unfortunately, we both had to sleep sometime, and Luna could probably snatch me up the minute one of our eyes closed.

We finished our meal, but neither of us opted to leave the lavender covered table.

That's when it happened. The worst most horrible thing of my small miserable existence.

"GIVE ME THE HUMAN!" a mare roared outside of the fancy burger diner. Seconds later a gold armored stallion came crashing through the window. Lyra had arri-

A surprisingly white mare charged in.

Fleur had arrived...

What the fuck Equestria? Why was Fleur beating the shit out of guards to get to me?

"THE HUMAN RESEARCH CONCLAVE SHALL be... Why do you have fox ears and tail? Fleur stared at me completely dumbfounded. I stared back. We were at an impasse.

"There was a weird reaction to a poison." Gilda answered, seizing our attention and breaking our confused stalemate.

"We of the Human Research Conclave have come to claim the key to revealing all of Celesia's li... Why fox ears and tail? Is it a cultural thing?" I... I had no idea why! Why hadn't anybody told me why? Why hadn't I asked?

Gilda shrugged, and what followed was an awkward silence. What followed was even more awkward.

"Look, I kinda need to kidnap you and take you back to our lair." Fleur rubbed the back of her head and levitated up a syringe. Gilda started looking serious.

Shit was about to get real. I needed to say something."

"Look, I'll come voluntarily, but Gilda comes too." Good job brai-wait what? What the fuck brain! We do not want to go to their dungeon of super happy fun time!

Shut up Alex! They might have magic blockers.

What doe- ohhh right, Luna!

I relayed my idea to Gilda, obviously she concurred.

We left the diner after leaving some cash to pay for the window and our meal. Fleur teleported us to some undisclosed location, and I got to meet the cult of ponies who studied my species!

You want to know more? Hmmm, I guess I can go into some detail, next entry! MWA HA HA HA-... lol.

> Super Happy Cult Time, Part one and The Continuation (final draft)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The haze left my eyes, leaving me to stare at a ugly gray stone room. A few of the walls had sconces, but most were simply under lit, leaving my eyes to strain against the dark. I crinkled my nose as a dozen foul smells assaulted it, and to further horrify me there was a damp feel to the air.

I felt Gilda's feathers before I saw her, but she looked kind of cool in the dark. Nonetheless, she looked similarly uncomforted by our environment. It was comforting knowing that I wasn't the only mammal feeling uncomfortable.

I need a thesaurus. That last thought had wayyyy too many "comfort"s in it.

All at once a trio of unicorns appeared, err... three Fleurs de Lys lookalikes appeared. I gave them a second look after wiping away the grime from my eyes, but unfortunately they still appeared to be clones.

Wait... why haven't I needed glasses yet? I used to have shit vision, livable, but still shit. Why had everything been so clear?

Do gender swaps come with laser eye surgery? I had come out slimmer, maybe Celestia edited more than my looks?

Gilda looked similarly confused, but probably about the clones, not my eyesight.

"Ahh, it seems we've left on our disguises." One of the lookalikes uttered, and there was a small fluttering light. When my eyes regained their night sight, I saw three unicorns of varying height and size. Slowly the details returned.

The far left was still Fleur de Lys, unchanged by the light. The second was the familiar Lyra Heartstrings. The final was...

Was... 

No fucking way.

It was an alicorn of scarily familiar colors. Her mane of red, her eyes stark blue, and her coat a fine snowy white. Her... she had fangs, a horn, wings, and a cutie mark I remembered, for I had made it. Every inch of it. The colors were more vibrant than I remember.

Before me was Cute Scribble, matured and vampirized. I looked again, and her mane seemed to flow, and I realized that its color was far deeper in perception if not fact, if that made sense. Did it make sense?

I looked back to the first two, and was confused to see worry and frown lines on Fleur, but Lyra wasn't touched by time yet.

I looked back to Gilda, I realized with a sudden surety that she was perhaps as young still as the show had depicted her.

I was in my own verse, but this was nothing like my verse! How the fuck does that work?

Where was Fantasi? Where was Scribble's girlfriends?! Nothing was lining up! It was like a AU of my AU!

"Ahh, it seems realization strikes." The familiar lyrist announced. Scribble nodded in agreement. "Yes, much information is lost in the rift between our worlds. You may wish to seriously reconsider your expectations." She councilor further.

I knew not what to say. Strangely Gilda did not suffer from that problem.

"What do you dweebs want from my fiancée?!" She roared, I think she was pissed off because she had no idea what was going on.

"Simply put, we wish to give her a makeover!" The one still looking like Fleur shouted exuberantly. Gilda untended, but her face became even more confused. Lyra and Scribble both facehoofed, but neither corrected her.

That was a bad sign.

"I'm afraid that Fleur's... simple explanation isn't far too off. We must discover more about pysiology, and the fastest way is dissecting Alex here." Woah woah WOAH! Since-

"When does disection mean makeover?!" Gilda demanded, furious and defensive. Scribble and Fleur now face hoofed. It was like watching the three stooges.

A card was levitated up to my eyes, and I took hold of it.

'What Lyra meant to say is, that we are making you into a pony, temporarily. We shall examine very closely the transformation and use the changes as a way of discovering how we are different.' I turned the letter over to see if there was more, but that was it.

That... made more sense. I passed the note to Gilda. A dawning realization struck her too.

"Now let's begin!" WAIT wa-frick! I-





It was like waking up as a girl, but the weirdness and disconnection from my own body was tripled. I, knowing what had happened, refused to panic. I knew what would happen when my triply heavy eyes opened. I would see a pony, me.

My curious nature overtook my sanity. My eyes flew open. To my deep regret, my fears were confirmed, and a furry snout confronted me with great animosity.

I was a pony.

"Finally! We waited forever for you to wake up!" The now familiar voice of Fluer announced with much eagerness. I momentarily worried that Gilda was worried, but a loud thunk of, or of what I suspected to be, a hoof striking a pony's head assured me that Fluer had been exaggerating.

The next sense that was affected was touch. Something was pressing against my lips...

I was being kissed? Was-

It wasn't Gilda. The FUCK?!

I pushed away and tried again to focus on the ...white and... red ... Scribble? Why was I kissing my OC. Err, what was she doing kissing me?

My pony eyes focused on something moments later, another note.

'You write very sweet things about me, and my moms." I... umm...

How does one take a compliment from their OC? Is that considered self praise? Is that vanity?

I felt a wing around me. Gilda was here, had seen that, and appeared to be totally cool with it.

"Hey babe, never knew you were polygamous like the ponies." I... polygamous?! Scr-ohhhH!

I decided for Scribble's sake (and admittedly the possibility that I might fall in love with someone besides Gilda, afterall the marriage was arranged) to not correct Gilda, and I turned.

I stopped my eyes at a mirror, large and elegant. The pony in the mirror was... me. It was a pony version of the female version of me, versionception? It had short brown hair, in a cute and unkempt pixie cut, its eyes were a bright (and according to others) beautiful blue, and its coat was a dirty white. I was a bit put off by the fox ears, but thankfully the tail was regular... for a pony.

I'm not sure I could bare to flash the whole world my goods, even if they weren't technically my original goods.



I blushed and turned away from the mirror. I hadn't really seen my female form yet, and seeing myself as a really cute pony had really got me interested in examining myself when I was human. Which was a tad ironic, but I cast such thoughts aside when a familiar beak nipped at my ear.

"Dat ear!" She whispered, stunning me into a confused silence. How on... Equiss did she know that phrase?! Why was I so warm?

I was prevented from asking the first question by a wing and a shush. She effectively pinned me with that one wing.

"Now, my cute little mare. You are going to sit here while the nice lady makes you all good and pretty, ja?" What's with the Swedish?... Wait what did she say?

The hairbrush came out of nowhere! It struck like a snake, and left me unable to move, much like a snake's venom. Each step of what could only be a transformation, was another step deeper into pain. In the end I was left breathless, and far much more severely, on my back. I made to roll to my hooves, but Gilda trapped me with just a wing.

"Naow, let's get a look at you." Gilda announced with a menacing, but hollowly so, tone. Like a kid playing a pretend villain.

"I need an adult?" I stated meekly, hoping to at least confuse her.

"I am an adult." Fluer countered with a cold chill traveling up my spine. These ponies were scary good at catching my references, or at least not being confused by them.

What was with the meme talk anyway? I sure as fuck didn't talk like this normally. Was the absurdity of the situation making me a little crazy? 

Probably, but that hardly explained why my mind settled on meme talk. Still, better meme talk than newspeak.

Gilda teasingly began to rub her wings against my new fore and back legs. Despite myself, I began to discover myself making soft murmurs at the sensations. It was really confusing having her be so gentle after what she did last time. Not that this was bad, it was just so new! No one had really stroked any part of me like this...

In either sense of the word, perverts.

"I'm glad to see that your sweet cheeks haven't lost their bounce." Gilda, hopefully, joked. That hope was dashed on the cruel rocks of reality when Gilda's right claw smacked across my rear, but just short of a painful slap. To my further despair, the cooling sensation afterwards began to increase my gentle moans.

"This is so hawt!" AHH SHIT! I totally forgot there were ponies watching me. W-why wasn't Gilda stopping?!

"Mmm, it seems my little pony is eager to perform." Gilda whispered into my ear, and suddenly two very familiar claws pressed between my legs. "Aww, look at how wet you are, you cute little thing you." Gilda teased remorselessly as my mind fuzzed over.

Then there was a creak from behind.

"HOW DARE THEE IGNORE OUR ORDER!" The horrifically familiar voice of Luna roared from behind Gilda. I felt the fuzz in my head divebomb into the icy cold waters of HOLY SHIT I'M AWAKE! and then... there was silence.

"Princess... I was kinda just soft fucking her." No Gilda, NO! "We didn't directly break your order." There was a furious snort, which could only come from alicorn size lungs.

"If that's how things are going to be, then I will just have to teach her here and now." Luna ominously announced.

"I need an adult." I whispered gently.

"I am an adult." Luna replied in an icily tone. I could feel a blizzard traveling down my spine. Unfortunately, she was probably right.

There was a soft flap, as if wings lifting up a large bird. Then everything went purple, except for one pink splotch.

"Now, the first and most important part of pleasing your mistress is to obey, but it would be better if she taught you that." I- "Now, I'm going to lower my hips, and you are going softly lick my labia majora. You do know what a labia majora is, don't you?" Luna asked, her tone still in the glacial temperatures levels. I, having gotten the talk from a man who knew what not getting the talk did, knew exactly what each fucking part of a vagina was. Ironically, I'd seen less of it at my age than he had at 17. I nodded, not wanting to anger the princess, and deciding that truth was better than being banished to the moon.

"Good, now begin!" And that was the only warning I got before her pink folds grew in my field of view, until I had to close my eyes to keep out the gentle flow of juices. "I don't feel licking!" Taking one last breath of air, I gently leaned up my head and did what I was told. The taste was weird, but I'd been expecting that. 

"Miss Gliding Dagger, please inform Alex that I find her performance less than satisfactory." Luna laughed, but with a sinister undertone. Having no clue what she meant, I was completely unprepared for the familiar sting of a claw slapping across my backside. I, getting a clue, pressed farther into the soft under-furred flesh above me, desperate to please so that she would not ask Gilda to do that again.

Unfortunately, I was still doing something wrong, and with one word another surge of pain came from behind me. I began to pick up my pace, but a new and dangerous obstacle impeded my work.

Just as I was about to reach the labia minora, Gilda's talons again pressed into me. They drove the focus from my mind like a tsunami, and left only a mess of fuzzy thoughts. I found my movements becoming rougher and far less refined, but Luna just pressed down farther onto my snout. I felt my body slowly becoming slick with sweat, and the rough thrusting of Gilda's bird fingers in and out of my jewel slowly pushed me back, and into Luna's waiting hips.

"Now, move in closer, begin to spread out your attention." Luna ordered, and at that second there was a shiver from the lips above and a soft increase in the amount of girl-cum gently running along her legs and my tongue. Its taste was different, but apparently I hadn't experienced enough, for I couldn't find another taste to relate it to. Nonetheless, I found it strangely filling to drink. and I pressed even further in, towards the middle.

I accidentally discovered a small round button, but being fully prepared for by The Talk, I immediately latched onto Luna's hot little clit with my lips, and gave it a quick and rough suckle. Luna shuddered violently above me, and immediate feed back was given in the form of a gentler, strangely pleasurable jolt of pain from below, and the feed back was reinforced seconds later by a pair of lips that had never touched me before.

A sudden surge of maddeningly intense pleasure flooded through my body, and I seemed to lose complete motor control. My tongue now was useless, but Luna ignored this and suddenly pressed down with a great force, I suddenly found myself unable to breath as my whole snout was pressed inside of her. The lips and talons below doubled their movements, I found myself unable to breathe at all, but this fuzziness blended in seamlessly with the feelings of sex and pain.

The hips on top of my snout were thrusting, filling my nose with girl-cum, and leaving me defenseless against the final assault below, as the rate of spanking, fingering, and licking seemed to triple without any regard for my sanity. I found a great wall inside of me shatter, and my body convulsed as what I could only describe as a goddess given orgasm rocked my small form mercilessly.

Gilda and Luna held me too the floor as I experience a first orgasm for the third time in my life. Gilda kept her talons in me while holding onto one of my legs, while Luna just used her weight to keep me trapped. Regardless, I thrashed and screamed as the tremors became shudders, and finally I was left still and gasping on the floor.

"Good! Now, show Gilda what you've learned. Poor dear has been waiting far too long." Luna ordered in a much softer tone than before, and I found a soft glow surrounding and rejuvenating me.

My eyes refused to focus, but I could hear Gilda chuckle awkwardly.

"Sorry Princess, but I couldn't really hold myself back." Gilda apologized, but I'm not sure what for.

"Fine, but you are forbidden from pleasuring her or vice versa until I'm satisfied her lessons are complete." Luna ordered, and it clicked in my mind what had happened.

Gilda had fingered herself while her other claw fingered me.

So hawt.



I wish I could see this!


> The End
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me and Gilda held each other as a small kitten sneezed on the screen. I smiled as the ring on my finger clinked against the fine crystal of my glass.

Then I woke up





It took me a while to recover, but when I did I was surrounded by the orgasmed bodies of Gilda, Lyra, Luna, and Fleur de Lys. They were sleeping, fuck knows why. I don't know why.
.
.
.
I slammed the ... keyboard down and looked at the screen. I had no idea where to go next. I don't know fucking anything. I've never dated, fucked, loved, or had much pressure on me. I shouldn't even try.

"Night Everyone, till the will to write this hits me."
> Hallo!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I slowly laid back, and let a soft breathe escape my lips. Every single nerve was tingling a little, but at the same time I was numb.

I wonder how this would have felt as a guy? What would this be once this body had 18 years to get used to itself? Would it have been worse? Would it be better? Why was I even...

Is that a hand?..

Ohh! I was human again! Scribble must be done studying my form. That's nice. Hands are nice.

Was I high on sex? Everything was a bit fuzzy, and seemed a good deal brighter than it did before the secks. Luna and Gilda were chatting gaily a foot away, and I don't remember blacking out, so I probably hadn't been moved. I'd never been high before. It was kind of fun!

"What are you smiling about?" Ohh yeah, Gilda! Gilda rocked.

"She appears to have been turned back into a human." Luna was cute too! "And it appears she has been sedated." Sedated was a funny word, Sid-ated.

"I guess we should take her back home." Gilda quipped. QUIPPED! Hilarious!

"eeyup."





	
> A Gilda Chapter!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey dweebs, Alex said she'd eat me out while wearing the special outfit I bought her if I help her fill in the blanks. Hope you idiots enjoy glimpsing my awesome.

Me and Luna aren't sure how Alex got high on sex. She said it might have to do with the constant magicks fiddling with Alex's head. Twinkle hair looked kinda guilt when she said it, but she was willing to help me drag Alex's juicy flank home. Humans are actually easier to carry than ponies, but you need two flyers of you want to do it right.

I got her hands, Luna got her feet, and we hauled her ass back to the castle nice and quick. We managed to avoid gawkers and rag writers by sticking above cloud height. Unfortunately, Alex's sweet little body can't take breathing at such altitudes, so she was even more out of it when we got to her room.

*there is a click of a door opening and closing.*

Ohh fuck, Alex just walked in wearing the little nightie I got her. It fits her like a glove. He he, but all you perverts reading this are jealous!

Mmm, back to the story.

So, we carry her back to her room, but right outside the window I have to stand up straight on the balcony to get the window with my wing. Before I can react, Alex literally just shoves her face between my haunches and starts trying to eat me out! 

Mm, like she's about to do right now.

So, I'm struggling to pull Alex out of my pussy, while opening the door and not dropping her. Even for an awesome griffon like me, it's a bit of a struggle. Of course, crater ass figures out what's going on right away, but instead of helping she just stands there laughing her ass off.

*Gilda's breath becomes rushed. You start to have trouble understanding her.*

So now I'm trying not to drop Alex, open the window with my wings, getting eaten out, and screaming at Luna for not helping. And that's when Blue blood opens the window and says.

*the sound is punctuated by a loud clatter.*

FUCK ALEX, eat me out harder you little slut!

Gilda, you dropped my pho-mmph 

Mmm, Frack your phone! I'll buy you a dozen! Just please don't stop!

*there is ah usual animal cry followed by the sound of gentle gulping*

Mmm drink it all, good pet.

Mm ohh yeah, the memoir. Yeah, then Blue blood said, "funny, my horoscope told me to expect rain, but I never expected it would be raining cute girls. Would you three like to come inside?"

Then we tossed Alex inside, beat the shit out of blue blood, and got Alex to finish eating me out. It was a good day.


> A Blueblood Chapter
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I, Blueblood, do hereby swear that I sexually harrased Princess Gilda, Princess Luna, and Duchess Alex in a fashion unfitting for a stallion in my station. I accept any punishments the one know as 'Alex' decides to inflict upon me. Also, in further recognition of the innapropriateness of my action, I use my power to publically declare that, 'Gilda rocks pussy best.'"

Blueblood turned away from the microphone and the crowd of nobles. "p-please don't hurt me." he begged the seething griffon gently. She nodded once, and flew away.
> And Now For Something Completely Different
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I felt my lips curl into a smile as feathers caressed me all over. I didn't bother opening my eyes, I knew it was Gilda. Warm, soft GIlda, who loved to fuck roughly. I'm not sure what happened after last night, and I'm not sure why there is another warm softy body pressed against my back, but I knew it was gilda in front of me. The texture was just right for her wings, her fur, her talons. 

oww

"You awake now sweet thighs?" Dammit. It was such a nice moment too. Still, getting flirted with in the morning wasn't so bad. 

"hey keratin face." i countered, giggling at her confused expression. Apparently they don't know what keratin was. Better they didn't know. I didn't want her considering my hands signs of dominance or things might get out of control.

Hmm, what was that taste in my mouth? It certainly wasn't the last thing I remember eating. It was a little bit salty, so it wasn't morning mouth.

I could slowly feel the taste of Luna coming back to me, but it wasn't exactly that. I gave my lips a quick lick, hoping for answers.

"mmm, hoping for some more of me on your lips?" Gilda asked in a tone that left little to my imagination, not that my imagination hesitated to show me vivid imagery of all the possibly things she could have meant. All the hot, flustering, crazy shit that she could mean. "MMM, I can see the question on your face. It's so delicious, seeing you wonder what part of my you tasted, but knowing deep down which part of me your mouth was on." Gilda laughed. "You make a really nice puzzy licker when you're high, my little fuck plush."

If fuck plush was another reference to my ass, then I was kicking Gilda out of this bed, warm gentle wings or no.

I wing touch confirmed my worry, and my foot had Gilda on the ground before she could blink. "HEY!"

"Keep those wings to your self! I'm more than a piece of ass, bird brain, and I have a name!" Righteous indignation roared in my veins as I clambered to my feet over my fiancee/sexual harraser.

"Is it ass slut, cuz if not, I can change that!" Gilda roared back with the lungs of a lion. My first primal instinct was to hid,

My second was to fight.

My fist connected with her cheek before her claws could grab my hand, but I was getting pushed back, her claws were on my wrists. I was on my back before I could bring a leg back. Then, her tail came into play, somehow wrapping around my leg twice. Fucking cheater. I managed to get my other leg into play before she could stop it. Gilda outweighed me by a factor of almost 2, but I was a biped, and I was using one leg to push up.

My biped pride did little good against Gilda's mass. Even with hollow bones she weighed a fucking ton. She got closer by the second. My wrists were getting pressed into the ground already. 

"QUIT struggling and let me finger you, you bitch!" Gilda screeched in my face, her avian beak slowly lowering to my throat. opening, closing, pinning me.

I didn't move a muscle. I liked my throat in one piece and in its proper place. 

Gilda smiled around my jugulars, the cunt.

" 'ought 'o bitchy 'ow are ya?" Gilda mouthed around my throat, her B rolling of my skin in a wave. Obviously I was in no position to argue.

I was in a position to glare, even if I was wet as fuck down below. Stupid sexy fucking Gilda. Stupid fucking body getting turned on at totally wrong times. Gilda's right claw was already off my wrist, snaking down, brushing against my thigh.

"'ake i' slut." It was in me faster than I could react, sliding against my flesh and stoking my core's furnace. I hated her, wanted to hate her, but fuck that felt nice, it especially felt nice when her teeth pressed in for the last "T'." I hadn't even touched myself since I became a girl, and here was Gilda fucking me for the third time. 

And I loved it. Maybe I was a slut?

I don't know, but that claw seemed so much bigger inside me then it did when I was looking at it. It was both hard and soft, like her beak. It was... magical. 

"Mmmmm, good slut, you like it when I pet you?" Gilda's beak was gone, when had she done that? "Better answer me, or I'll have to get rougher." fuck, my body shivered at the thought, but I was too fatigued for that. I knew what she wanted to hear, what seemed to be true, so I nodded. I gave in.

Gilda rewarded me with a renewed vigor and pace, her claw feeling like a fiery hot blur inside of me. My muscles responded by simply shutting down, some going limp, others becoming unbelievably taut. I was a hot wet mess, gasping for breath as an edge was in sight.

"mmm, my little kitty is getting close, is she? Is my little plush slut ready for her cute little orgasm." Gilda teased mercilessly.

"fuck, you." I countered, in my usual eloquent fashion. Then the orgasm hit me like a freight train. My spine bowed, my toes curled, my skin became sensitive, and my heart beat out of my chest at a dangerous speed. I was held, pinned against the ground as the waves came and passed.

All Gilda did was grin, lean down, and gently lick my cheek. 

"Sorry Alex, I got a bit carried away."
> Gilda's Surprise
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I fucking love wearing blankets. It's warm, snugly, cozy, and it covers everything. The only problem is that it's a bit of a hassle. Easy to get tangled up in.

Of course, I had soaked my clothes in cum, so it's not like I had a choice in the matter. 

Yes, my clothes were too soaked in my cum to ever wear again. No, I wasn't happy about it.

Well, maybe a little. Gilda had apologized and left to get more clothes just moments ago, leaving me the sole inhabitant of my apartment.

There was a knock at the door. I didn't bother getting it. I had better things to do, like play with my toes. My new feet were softer than my old feet, slimmer too. My toes had undergone a similar change. Sadly, I knew deep inside that my good looking feet wouldn't last long without hired help.

There was another knock at my door. I pointedly ignored it. Hmm, I wonder what having fox ears and tail is called. I know cat ears are nekomimi, but what was fox in Japanese?

Hmm... I wonder why different languages have different ways of doing animal calls. I mean, Japanese: Nyaa, English: meow. Was it an example of different cat breeds having different sounds in different regions, or was it a example of different languages affecting how one interacts with the world?

I- There was another, but louder, knock at the door. Who the fuck-

"Hey, Alex."

"Hey, Celestia." That bitch again. Celestia moved her fat white ass out of a portal. I didn't bother asking her to leave, she owned the room afterall.

There was an even louder, more insistent knock at the door.

"You should get that." Celestia quipped. I could feel my hands tighten around her imaginary throat, but I trudged over to the door and opened it.

"O-oh... Oh my... COMPUTER!" I flew forward and almost glomped the cool white metal case. "I won't ever leave you behind ever again. Never ever. Aww, did you miss da... mommy? Did Celestia transport you okay?" I leaned in. "Did she touch you in a no no place?" Of course, my computer didn't answer questions vocally. It would tell me when I booted it up and started gaming.

" the thing in your Ethernet port is a quantum entangled connection to European Internet, because it's faster. We added magic memory drives. 10 high speed terra grew of memory. Ohh, we upgraded your old memory too." This... This had to be a trap. A cunning plan to make porn of me getting off to porn, or something like that. What was her... wait... those fuckers touched my computer! Without me around!

If you touch my computer without me around.

You're in for a bad time.

"Alex, what are you doing with that hammer?" Celestia asked, turning her head with a slightly smug smile. The immortal Mary Sue cunt.

I would have murdered her there and then, if computer noises didn't start up behind me. I, of course, turned, and was stunned to see my computer running without any power plugs.

"Ohh I forgot to mention that we replaced your power supply with a magic reactor, and got you a wide screen monitor. Won't ever have to plug in again." I turned back to Celestia, doubt bubbling forward in my mind." Ahh, I see you've realized there must be a catch. There is, of course." I turned to my tormentor, fists balled in readiness.

"Spill it Celestia, what is this gonna cost me?" The regal bitch-icorn laughed hautily, raising herself above me.

"You mean that and every current and future game on Steam." I stared into the distance as she checkmaketed me. She had me completely at her mercy. "Glad you see the error of your ways. Firstly, you must bear Gilda a child."...

Does not compute.

"Secondly, you must not seclude yourself to your room all week every week. One day out and about minimum."...

Consult user manual for assistance.

"It's a yes then? Good." I felt myself kinda drift away. My brain just waddling along until the train of reality hit it.

"WHAT?!" Unforunately, Celestia was gone by the time I came to. Thus leaving me alone to contemplate what she said.

Did she seriously expect me to get out of my room once a week AFTER buying me every steam game current and future. Wait... what was that other thing she said? Eh, it couldn't be important. I'd remember if it was.

I turned back to computer and wasted no time in logging in. Right away, a pop up appeared with a new steam username and password, along with a warning that this was kind of like witness protection. A couple of rules of usage, don't friend anyone you'd friended before, only join approved groups, save the cyber sex to a minimum.

Cyber sex... that's the one thing I hadn't missed while I was here. Lieing about my gender, doing sexual chats, feeling guilty. Gilda kinda obseleted it. Huh, I'd still not masturbated. Eh, it could wait. I had games to mediocre my way through. Starting with... fuck there were too many choices. Perhaps... 

Eh, I'll just play Minecraft... except they had said avoid things I did before..

Hmm... I'd seen a mod for Victiria II, never done they before.




((Four Hours later.))

I smiled as Equestria's soldiers crushed Mexico, taking Sonora, liberating Texas for Texans, forcing Mexico under my sphere of influence. I'd expanded to all of the griffon lands early enough, and I was powering through. I had designs on British Western Canada, possibly those niblits of Russian land. I had went down a liberal path, but the reactionary unicorns were still biting at my heels.

Equestria had far too few Pegasi, but I had no idea how to improve their numbers.

My economy was weak, but I had 900k gold in the bank. I wasn't anywhere near the red.





I laughed gently as I allowed bronyism within Equestria. The only significant human numbers were in conquered Sonora, but it felt good. Still no prompts to give Griffons the rights that ponies have. Perhaps I could activate it with a cheat.

My economy had completely rebounded and I was making money wing over hoof. I didn't have a need for a war, but I think I could win.





I stared in horror as the endless waves of British and American troops finally overwhelm my army. I don't even know why they attacked. I had done nothing against either of them. I had even fought a war alongside America. The bastards were now stomping all over my precious Equestria.





I sighed in defeat as my repeated attempts to prevent the invasions or win against all failed. Victoria II was fucking hard.


> Gaming With Alex
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


> Gaming With Alex
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


> When Newbs Have Talons
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I smiled as I backed on top of a brick wall, the wall growing as I passed it. It was a gray stone wall, and it would be the outer defenses for my castle... maybe. I still hadn't decided if it was big enough. It was already bigger than any I had done before, but this time...

"ALEX, ONE OF THOSE STUPID GREEN DICKS IS CHASING ME!" I groaned as Gilda's plea for assistance tore me from my concentration, causing me to slip off the wall. I took a little fall damage, but the cold would do far more if I didn't make it back in fast. 

"ALEX, I MANAGED TO DITCH IT, HOW DO I STOP TAKING DAMAGE AGAIN?!" I groaned in increased frustration as what had to be Gilda's 100th cry for help crossed my ears. I pulled my pixelated (but minidoku quality not filthy cazual vanilla) axe out of the creeper's head and continued my mad dash for the gate.

Almost. "ALEX!" I screamed in frustration as I dodged a nearly lethal creeper blast. The blizzard was growing stronger, and I had to get inside fast.

"GILDA, GO BACK TO THE KEEP! I'M COMING IN HOT." I dodged another arrow I turned the corner into the gate. Luckily, only two zombie had piled up there, and my axe dropped both fast. I closed the doors, but didn't stop to lower the iron gate. If there were human raiders, that would have been fatal, but the undead were too stupid for the gate. 

Unfortunately, some of the scum buckets were already inside, and I grunted as the first arrow impacted my full plate armor. I didn't dare stop, the tower protecting the main entrance to the Keep standing proud before me, with the two small bridges over the small stream that gave our castle its drinking water flanking it on either side. The tower actually went over the stream too, the whole system meant to prevent foul arrows from falling into our drinking water. It also kept the water from clogging up with snow and freezing.

I passed to the left of the small tower, over the thinner of the two bridges. The main entrance to the castle just a few meters away now. I turned while keeping my pace, the armor doing little to stop my momentum as I...

ran face first into the iron doors.

"Sorry" I stumbled woozily into the castle as Gilda opened the front iron doors, letting me and the cold in, but shutting it before the demons of Aurora island could enter.

"Yo, what the fuck are you mumbling to yourself? Why are we even on this dingus shit server?"

I threw my headphones down in defeat and pushed myself away from the desk.

"What?! I was just asking why we play on a server with a stupid fucking frostbite pluginmajig! Why are we even building a castle?! It's not like anyone would ever besiege us!" I groaned in frustration as I stormed out of what had become our gaming room. She had been that way the entire time, refusing to leave me to play alone, but refusing to shut up too!

"Hey, some pussy sweat named Godz joined, should I kick him off?" Someone... joined? Someone joined?!

"NO!" I was back at my computer before a single dust mite landed on my keyboard.

Viking Hoof: hey, welcome to the rp server of Senpai craft. The admins let me do all the greetings.

Godz: So... Are you two it?

VikingHoof: Yeah, sorry about that. This server is still new, no one has touched it yet, but it has crazy amount of good plugins. Wait... are you from Fimfic?

Godz: yeah, was supposed to meet two... doh!

VikingHoof: Welcome!

My heart soared at the idea that one of my readers had joined. Sure one out of 153 is kind of disappointing, but it's better than nothing!

VikingHoof: Go ahead and TPA to me, I'll show you around.

To make along and hard to transcribe story short, he said yes, a few (4-5) other wonderful people came on (no more than two at a time), and we all had a great time. 

It sucks that none of the rest of you showed up.

Sincerely-Alex
> JoinNow!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


> Running Solo For The Day
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was an excellent day. Gaming, fun, laughs had been held, and would be held. Right now I was kicking a dragon's butt with my enchanted crossbow of asskicking. 

"Enough of that!" I instinctively kicked and screamed as unknown talons lifted me out of my chair. I refused to let go of my desk no matter how they-fuck my hands slipped. Damn glass. "Good, now, do I have to fuck your brains out, or are you going to get your wedding dress on?" WAIT, what?

"W-what wedding dress?" Gilda sat me down with a sharp slap to my flank. 

"You know, for the fitting." I sighed as a wave of relief flooded through me. "Hah! You thought...." I blushed as Gilda's implications hit me exactly where it hurt. "Mmm, you worried? Afraid I'll marry your cute butt before you are quite ready? Afraid you won't get chance for anyone else to touch you?" My blush deepened at the implications as I hid my head under my hands.

"Don't worry. The wedding isn't for a while, we just have a anal retentive tailor." I almost giggled at Gilda's comment as she lifted me up under my arms. I didn't bother fighting again as she flew me down the halls. Any resistance now just meant less gaming later, and I'm pretty sure I'd die if I never got a chance to try out Life is Feudal before tomorrow.

I contemplated, momentarily, my complete failure at teaching Gilda to enjoy the finer games in life. Unfortunately all the angry griffon wanted to do was frag noobs. It was a little ironic, seeing a member of royalty play on her xbox like any old console peasant. At least I discovered the one thing she hated to be called.

It was funny to think that ponies and griffons had figured out the superiority of the PC as a gaming platform. 

Eh, I ramble on. I've been doing that a lot mentally. I think the lack of a job is slowly killing what little work ethic I had. Perhaps the castle was hiring.
A job... I'd never been opposed to the idea of a job. Hard labor, yes, a place to meet others and find new ways to be lazy, no. I mean, can you really be lazy without work to avoid?

"Darling?" Fuuuuck. It seems I rambled through Rarity's arrival. Welp... this was...

I didn't even feel like complaining. All of my needs were being met. There was no way to escape... Gilda had my heart. Celestia and all of them had won. I didn't have the resolve left to escape. I'd carry Gilda's kittens, I'd be the good little Princess they wanted, and...

Damn this felt grim. Why was it that I couldn't think of what would come after the marriage darkly, but Gilda herself made my heart soar. Why was everything so fucking confusing?!

"Darling, please turn around." I did as ordered and...

as ordered...

ordered.

That was it! I might love Gilda, but everything else was someone else's idea, someone else's prerogative. The marriage was so that they could continue to diffuse tensions between stupid little countries I'd probably never see. This was everything I could want, but it wasn't mine!

"Darling, is everything okay?" I stopped, confused to find that my hands were clenched and my breathing hard. I was more angry than I thought. "You can talk to me if you want." I looked down. The dress I saw was someone else's. 

"I refuse to wear this." Rarity's jaw opened in shock. "Rarity, get some red fabric, you can leave this dress in a bin somewhere."  Red was my favorite color, and white was hardly appropriate after what Gilda had been doing to me. Though, I'd love a snowy dress given the opportunity.

"Darling, as much as I'd love fitting you for a new dress, I'd hardly call red an appropriate colo-" I glared down at Rarity, making sure she knew how much I cared about propriety.

"Well, the customer is a Princess. Red it is." I smile at my moral victory.

There were going to be some changes around here.
> Independence Day
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

I smiled contentedly as the not so dressy, but still regal outfit comfortable fitted my form. While it was weird looking down and seeing two bumps on my chest, the view was otherwise impeccable.

Especially the axe. I'm not sure how I convinced Rarity to believe my fantastical misrepresented Scandinavian wedding, but it seems that I had played off the ever romantic forbidden love of two Valkyries. Of course, we used fake fur and aluminum for the armor, but the silver ornamentation and rubies were all legit. 

Rarity had wanted to use gold. Fuck gold.

I gave a twirl. It clinked and waved perfectly, never revealing my little secret.

Rarity, again fitting the creepy (even to his gay friends) gay friend stereotype, had jumped at the chance to at least make the sexiest and most royal lingerie possible, thoroughly butchering my last threadbare connections to masculinity eagerly. Underneath the cotton stockings, hide skirt, and leather boots was a killer set of red satin thigh long socks, a garter belt, and a set of almost transparent silk panties. I'd gone for a corset and secret little collar for my top. Of course, all of this lingerie had the best silver details and wire to complement the red.

I'd wanted to wear the satin gloves that went to my elbow and left my fingers free, but the Valkyrie outfit needed leather gloves , so I had to settle for hiding them in my room. 

I looked down and admired the decorative chest plate again. My two axes, rose, and crown fit the armor nicely. 

All this outfit had cost me was a dozen copped feels and some rather overt glances at areas that Rarity would never get to see again. I was going to make sure of it.

I gave Rarity another covert murderous look as her hooves rubbed my thigh in the name of "ensuring it fit." It was helping to imagine myself slowly strangling her to death with her own measuring tape. It helped to imagine myself doing the same to Celestia and Luna.

Once her final feel was done, she backed away with a sigh. It was a sigh of disappointment.

"I do believe we're done dear." I barely restrained my exhale of relief. Only to tense up again as I considered how on earth I was going to pull off phase two.