Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener...
Ah, Ponyville. A wonderful little village. The air is fresh! The grass is green! The water is crystal clear! And the ponies! Oh those adorable denizens of the aptly named Ponyville. They welcomed you with open arms when you first arrived. Well, open hooves rather. Seemed to them that you weren't that strange a creature all things considered. With things like dragons, minotaur's, and hydras running around and all an average human was downright boring. So life was grand in tiny Ponyville, living a simple, honest life.
If not for one niggling problem....
You hadn't gotten laid since you came here. And that was years ago.
YEARS!
Sure, jacking off kept your sanity in check, but god... What you wouldn't give for something more. Something other than old righty. To feel that adrenaline in your veins when you pound your lover into bliss. To taste that euphoria when you yourself hit orgasm. It wasn't like dating you was out of the question, oh no, interspecies stuff was the norm. But you just couldn't find the right mare... And none had confessed to you...
But that was all going to change today! You were through with fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love. Today, you would get a mare!
Probably.
Maybe.
Weeeeell...
No! That's loser talk!
Still...this is kinda nerve-racking. Trying to start a new relationship always is. And who to pick besides! There were so many pretty mares in Ponyville. Like say, Lyra Heartstrings. Pretty little mint sweetie. Or...oooh, Derpy Hooves. She was adorable. Klutzy as hell, but a cutie. Maybe...one of the mares you were actually closer to? That would be Twilight Sparkle and her gaggle of friends.
A garden of cute.
But gaaaaaaah, more choices...
There was Fluttershy, kinda, well, shy though... Pinkie Pie's...a little too...energetic. Oh, Rarity. Gorgeous, but a tad stuck-up. Twilight wasn't bad. Straddles the line between sperglord and cute nerd, but real nice nonetheless. Ol' Honest Applejack had that whole southern belle charm. And charming it was. Workaholic parts kind of a downer.
Wait... Wait, wait, wait...
You know just the mare.
Fiery. Passionate And an ass that won't quit.
Rainbow Dash.
But out of all the girls, besides Rarity, RD might be the hardest to catch the interest of. So what to do, what to do... Hmm, go over what you know about Speedy Cloud. She's...fast, haughty, bit of a bragger, loyal to a fault, spontaneous...
Wait a minute.
Spontaneity.
Dashie would love spontaneity! But in what capacity...?
...Got it.
Dashie would love this! It would be just like those cheesy romance novels she thinks no one knows she reads! You needed to prepare... A costume, some rope... This idea was brilliant!
Later that day...
You were skulking in the shadows of Ponyville's homes and business, looking for... Ah, there she is.
Lazing about on a cloud hovering over some secluded field. God she's cute when she's all lazy.
Time to enact the spontaneity!
You creep closer and closer to the napping RD, being deadly careful not to be spotted. That would ruin the whole she-bang! You didn't spend hours making the costume for nothing. You stand just beneath the cloud which holds the slumbering RD, smiling like a fool. She was going to flip over this! With a bit of finesse you start twirling the lasso you had at your hip.
Time to bring down the snoring pegasus...
The lasso flies from your hands and soars towards its target. And with a quick snap you pull back, the rope tightening in on the sleeping pony. Well, she was sleeping. When the rope snapped and constricted around her, she woke up with a start.
"Hey! Wha-what's goin' on?!"
With some speed you pull Dash and the cloud she was snoozing on down to the ground.
"Hahahahahaha!" You laugh manically. God, you were such a good actor.
RD twists her head around and sees you, her eyes the size of dinner plates. You admit, the outfit is good.
You, uh, "borrowed" Twilight's old Mare-Do-Well hat and mask, lifted some boots and belt from Rarity's and had painted a huge "B" on your bare chest. Or maybe RD was shocked because the hat, belt, and boots were the only articles of clothing you had on.
Kinda breezy today...
"What...the...buck...?"
"I am... The Elusive Bun Bandit!"
Hopefully that explained the painted-on "B".
"...The Bun...Bandit?"
"Correct! And you, Rainbow Dash... I have come to claim your buns!" Man, just getting into the role was getting you hard.
Seriously.
You were like, at half-chub right about now.
Without waiting for RD to respond you lunged! Well, lunged is kind of a strong word. You definitely moved towards her enthusiastically though.
"W-Wait a minute! I--Ugh!" The pegasus was cut-off when you grabbed a hold of those cyan cheeks of hers.
Those squishy, mushy blue buns...
Dashie squeaked and weakly groaned as you kneaded her cheeks.
They were... Glorious. Taught, but not too much. Just the perfect amount of jiggle. And her fur was like fine silk, smooth and welcoming. Your hands were in heaven. True heaven...
You playfully kneaded and gave her light slaps across the back-end. Each time you did it elicited another weak moan or squeak of pleasure from Dash. Her wings so badly wanted to be let loose from the rope confines, but you made sure it held tight. Didn't want her flying away. You briefly pulled yourself from the bliss of Dashie's blue buns and glanced downwards when you felt something wet splash on your thigh. It was...Dash. She was getting wet. Really wet.
...Yes!
You knew this would work!
With renewed fervor you attack Dashie's butt-cheeks. Knead, jiggle, slap, a light kiss here, a rough grope there... You were loving it. And by the amount of fluids leaking from Dash, she was enjoying it to.
Initiate Phase 2.
You're sporting quite the raging erection at this point so it was time to partake in your...kink. At least you called it a kink, didn't know what else to call it. Didn't really matter though. This was gonna be fun... You stopped your kneading assault, which earned you a whimper from Dash, and proceeded to spread her heavenly cheeks. What a sight...
That glistening pussy, that puckered plothole...
B-e-a-utiful.
RD weakly, and not wholeheartedly, tried to cover herself, but she ended up giving up and blushing a shade of red that looked quite good on her. You traced a trail from Dash's wet snatch to her winking asshole using her own sex-juices. She huffed and panted into the cloud she was on and worked a hoof to her nethers, playing with her clit with vigor. You almost popped right then and there. But you held out and coated your hard-on with Dash's juices, then you slid it between Dashie's ass-cheeks. Your kink...was hotdogging.
Squeezing those godlike buns closer together, you made a tight fit for your member. With a shuddering breathe you started slow, a simple, gentle thrust. The sheer pleasure... The way her fur rubbed against your shaft and just subtly tickled your balls was unlike anything you ever expected.
Bliss.
Unearthly bliss.
"Oh my gosh... I-I've never done -this- before..." Dash croaked out a response with a doofy smile plastered to her face.
You started you thrusting in earnest. Your thighs slapping against Dashie's bodacious behind... The warmth coming from her body and especially her asshole... Her slick fluids forming a puddle underneath the cloud she writhed on... You could die right now and it would be without regret.
"Mmmm! I-I'm...gonna come! Gonna cum!" A torrent of white-hot mare-spunk splashed against your thighs and legs as RD came long and hard.
She babbled incoherently, twitched and spasmed, as her orgasm rode its course. But you weren't even close to finishing yet. However, you gave Dashie's rear a little rest. You only pound a -little- less hard.
"That was... Oh my gosh. I've never came that hard before..."
"It's not over yet! The Elusive Bun Bandit has claimed -his- prize yet!"
"Wha-what?" You began slamming away again, and Dash threw he head back and moaned in utter pleasure.
Just what you wanted to hear.
You don't know how long you've been slamming away at Rainbow Dash pert posterior, but finally, you were getting close. Dashie was probably thankful for that. Both of you had lost track of how many orgasm she had as the sun shone overhead.
"Dash, I'm...I'm..." Almost there, just a little more and--
"C-Cum for me!"
She said the magic word.
Couldn't have said it enough.
With a grunt of effort and delight, thick white streams of semen rocketed from between Dash's sweat-sheened booty-boulders. Gasping and panting, you continued to ejaculate like it would be the last one you would ever have. Strands of cum coated RD's heaving back and drooping wings. Pulling out from her buns, still cumming, you gave her cheeks a glaze as she had one last powerful orgasm. Finally spent you fell backwards, falling on your own backend. The rope around the pegasus coming loose and dropping to the side. You heaved and gasped for air. Shakily you stood up and looked over Dash. Her tongue was lolled out of her head and she was licking her hoof clean of her own juices. She weakly lifted a wing to her mouth and caught a drop of you semen as it fell from a feather.
"Mmmm..."
"Th-The Elusive B-Bun Bandit has-whew, give me a second-has claimed his prize! Now he...aways!" With a piddly smoke bomb, you run away, leaving Dashie coughing and sputtering.
"H-Hold on! I... He's gone..."
You raced home as quickly as possible, bathing in the afterglow of a masterful plan. You couldn't wait to see the look on RD's face when you revealed that -you- were the Bandit. She'd be floored! You hoped she liked the whole spiel you went though to impress her.
That next day...
What a day! Gorgeous, like most days in Ponyville. You'd let Dashie in on your little secret today. Your excitement was barely being contained. You strode confidently through the Square, giving the wink and the gun to many a pony. Till finally you were at your destination: Rainbow Dash's cloud home. Nice place. Not that you've ever been in it, it being clouds and all.
"Hey! Rainbow Dash! You home?" You call out and wait for a response.
You get one when Dashie, that cutie, sticks her head out a window.
"O-Oh. Hey, Anon. W-What are you up to?"
"Ah, not much. Come on down here, I got somethin' to tell ya."
"Um... O-kay, I'll be right down!"
And sure enough, the prism pegasus is down in a flash. She looks...odd though. Her face is flushed and she fidgeted in place.
"Are...you ok, RD?"
"I-I'm fine. What did you need to tell me?"
And here we go...
"Heheh. well, I'm going to inform you that I'm--"
"The Elusive Bun Bandit?"
FULL STOP.
"W-W-W-Wha?! How-how-how-how did you know?!"
How could she know?! The plan was perfect, utterly perfect!
"Uh, Anon, you do know you're the only human in Equestria, right? I mean...wasn't hard to figure out..."
Where was your analytical mind! To make such a mistake!
"Um, Anon?"
You were trying to fight back the tears when Dash chimed in.
"Y-Yeah? What is it?"
Somewhat bashfully, RD hovered towards you and gave you a peck on the lips.
"I...didn't know you felt like -that- about me... I...like you too, ya big ape."
The world no longer makes sense.
"You...do?"
"Yeah. I just...never knew how to tell you. And really, that stunt yesterday... Man, you're all kinds of awesome. I tried to talk to you afterwards, but you ran off."
The whole time she knew...
"Sooo...you wanna go again? Maybe as...boyfriend and girlfriend? There's a nice sunny field I know of not too far from here." She gave you a knowing, sarcastic smirk and trots past you, flicking your nose with her tail.
You give her a big, stupid grin right back and follow after her.
"I think...we should stop by your place and get the rope first though." Dashie waggles her eyebrows and takes off towards your place.
You laugh heartily and give chase after her.
"The Elusive Bun Bandit is about to strike again..."
FIN