> The Legendary Tales of Barney Stinson and Rainbow Dash > by Rwanda Boulevard > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > I might have drank a bit much > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- *Click* "Well, that should prove it to Ted." Barney smiled deviously at the two smoking hot babes lying in the hotel bed. He put his phone back in his pocket, adjusted the tie on his suit, and left like a boss. "Now to go collect my belt and..." Barney stopped for a second and put a hand on his rumbling stomach. Feeling the sudden surge, he ran to the nearest bathroom and vomited up anything that was still in the tank from last night. "I might have drank a little too much last night." Barney said shaking slightly. "Nah, there’s no such thing as too much booze. I got to pull it together." He checked to make sure his suit was vomit free. After confirming that he wouldn’t need another trip to the dry cleaners, he looked at himself in the mirror and raised an eyebrow. Only I can throw up and still look awesome afterwards. He walked out of the bathroom and turned a corner only to get hit with another wave of nausea. He ran back into the bathroom and repeated his previous endeavour. "Oh God, what's wrong with me? Last time I checked, eight shots of tequila and sex doesn't make the Barnacle sick. It makes me awesome." He looked back up at himself in the mirror and saw that he was glowing. "Um... maybe I did have a little too much to drink last night." Completely baffled as to why he was tripping he pulled out his phone and attempted to call Ted. "Barney, it's eight on a Sunday. What do you want?" Ted answered, bemused. "Ted, I need you to pick me up from the hotel on maple and sixth. I had a crazy night last night. Now I am seeing things and it is totally not awesome.. it's scary." Barney's face betrayed his nervousness from the events that were unfolding. "Alright, but I have to stop by Robin’s place real quick. I'll be over in ten." Ted replied. "Please hurry, I don't feel goo..." Barney's phone slipped out of his hand, and his body hit the floor with a thud. Everything around him swirled with colors. The bathroom started dissolving away and a tunnel stretched into his field of vision. The last thing Barney heard was Ted asking if he was ok. At least it was a good night to go out on. Before he knew it, he found himself inside the tunnel in front of him, then everything felt like it was being squeezed. Barney was floating through cows. Wait, cows? What the hell? He was confused beyond reason. The colourful tunnel that Barney had fallen into had landed him in amongst some cows. He got up and brushed the dust off his suit. A quick look around told him that he was on a farm. Someone must have drugged me and brought me to this very colorful farm. This was the only logical conclusion he could come up with. "Moo." "Oh be quiet, you stupid cow," Barney shot at the annoying creature. "Sorry, didn't mean to be rude but you did land on me," The cow replied. All the hairs on Barney's arm stood on end and his eyes shot out wide. He slowly turned around and looked at the cow in front of him. He was about to lose it, but a moment went by and the cow remained silent. "Oh man, for a second there, I almost thought you spoke,” Barney sighed with relief. "Well, who else did you think it was, the tree?" The cow replied sarcastically. There were no words to describe what Barney felt. His eye started twitching and his brain blew a fuse. " AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" The only thing the cows saw was a blur as Barney ran for all he was worth. He ran through the orchard and through the fields, until finally, a colorful town started to come into view. "I got to get out of here. I am losing my mind!!!" He huffed and puffed. He ran with sweat dripping from his brow and muscles screaming. However, when he finally arrived at the town, his horror only multiplied. He stood in the middle of the road transfixed with shock as the populace of the strange fantasy town stared at this strange being. What Barney saw was about a hundred talking multi-colored mini horses with weird tattoos on their asses. "I’m dead, aren’t I? I died and went to LSD land." He said and then fainted. "Hello!? Are you dead?" Barney laid still, playing possum, hoping that it would go away. "Hey! Whoever you are, I know you’re awake!" Please don't be real. Please don't be real. Please don't be real. "Get up." *smack* Barney sat up and scowled at the rainbow colored pegasus thing in front of him. "Ow! Knock it off, you crazy horse thing. Go away and leave me alone," Barney commanded. He closed his eyes and laid back down again. The cyan pony looked at him confused. "Well, whatever you are, you do know you’re lying on the ground in a suit right?" She stated bluntly. Faster than the eye could see, Barney stood up and started brushing the dirt off profusely. “Oh no! This was such a beautiful suit. God in heaven please forgive me for soiling such a precious thing." Barney's voice went high pinched towards the end. The pony next to him laughed, "Wow, you’re worse than Rarity! So...Um, who are you, and what are you?" Barney collected his bearings and replied. "I am a human and my name is Barnabas Stinson, but let's stick with Barney. I have no idea how I got here, and I don't know how to get back. Any help you can give me would be most appreciated." "Well, my name is Rainbow Dash. I saw you lying on the road and came to help. I am the fastest and most awesome pony in all of Equestria. I don't know if I can help much to get you home but there is a bar near by if you need something to help you relax. After all, you seem a little high strung. Then again you're not from around here?" "Actually miss Dash, I think that might be a good idea. As long as I am here, I might as well get a drink." "Just call me Dash. Miss isn't my thing." With that, they started walking into town. More ponies saw Barney and ran for their lives in a panic. Barney couldn't blame them. To them, he was an alien, an outcast. He was filled with a feeling of dread that he might not ever get home or see his best friends again. For that matter, I might never sleep with a girl again... Then he remembered something. It was something he said a while back that made any bad situation better. Whenever I get sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome instead. With that in mind, his steps were lighter and the world to shine a little brighter. He was going to make this situation good. No matter what, while he was in Equestrisomething, he was going to be awesome. Once they reached the bar Barney and Rainbow Dash grabbed a booth. They started some small talk and the waitress came by. "Hello, what can I get for.. Holy Bucking Celestia, what are you?!" The waitresses jaw dropped. "Winney, it's ok. This is my friend Barney. He is a human. Calm down and grab us some cider," Dash said reassuringly. She backed up slowly eyes still bulging as she went to go grab the drinks. Barney looked at his psychedelic friend. "Thanks. That would have been awkward." "Don't mention it," she said, retaining her cocky attitude. The waitress returned with their drinks. Both patrons took their mugs and toasted. "To weird stuff," they said and gulped down the brisk hard cider. As the amazing liquor poured down his throat, a brilliant idea formed in his mind. He set his mug down and looked at Rainbow Dash, his face had a huge grin that only a certain pink mare could appreciate. "Rainbow Dash, I am going to teach you how to live!" He exclaimed. Rainbow Dash looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "What?" > The Gay, The Bro, and The Alcohol > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You're going to do what now?" Barney took a sip then set his mug down. He looked at Rainbow Dash. "Since you claim to be the most awesome person, um... pony in all of Equestria, I have decided that you, miss Rainbow Dash, will be my Bro for the duration of my stay in the mythical land of magical ponies. Congratulations." He ended with his best game show host impression. "I don't get it. What's a Bro?" Rainbow Dash asked. Barney let out a gasp, then face palmed. "Oh Dash, you have much to learn. But fear not, for I will teach you the finer skills of Brodom." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small book and gave it to Rainbow Dash. "This is a miniature but it will do. It is now the most important thing you own, your copy of the Bro code. I always have one just in case. You must read this and follow its teachings. It is the law that guides all us Bros. These laws trump even that of federal laws. It in essence is th-" "Ok, I get it, it's really important. I'll read it and do my best." "You must above all else obey the code." Rainbow Dash was getting a little annoyed. "I will Barney, now shut up!" "Alright then, now let get down to business." He got up out of the booth and grabbed Dash's hoof and started dragging her over to the bar. "Hey! What are you doing?" "Since you are my Bro, I am your wingman. It is my sworn duty to get you laid. Now you see that women...or um what's the term, oh yeah, mare over there?" Barney pointed at the mare with the electric blue mane and red shades at the end stool. Rainbow Dash look over and her face turned a deep crimson. She looked back at Barney and raised an eye brow. "Ok first off, how do you know I'm gay? I could be straight, jackass." Barney looked at his cyan protege and laughed. "Snarky, I like that, but come know Raindow Dash the key word in that sentence was "could", that and the fact that you're practically a walking gay rights poster. Trust me, I have been doing this for a long time, I know when someone, or in your case somepony is gay. Don't worry, I don't judge. My own brother's gay. After all, if there weren't people or ponies that were into stuff like that, we wouldn't have pictures like this." He took his phone out and showed Rainbow Dash a picture of two naked girls cuddling on a large bed. "You got to admit it's hot. Haha." Rainbow Dash looked at him like he just told a bad joke. "Barney, you're evil." Then she sighed and looked over at the mare sitting on the edge of the bar. "But you're right, I am gay. So what's the plan?" "I'm glad you asked. Wait, how do you know she's gay?" "Her name is Vinyl Scrach and she's pretty open about it. This is a small town. Then hold on, if you didn't know she was gay and you were going to try and hook me up with her, I could've been walking into a trap. You know for a wingman, you suck just letting me fly in blind." "I would never do that. I was going to slap her ass and you're going to rescue her from big bad me. After you do that, you will strike up a conversation about how all men are stupid then see how she responds. I think you can handle it from there." She looked at him with admiration. "You're a bucking genius." She stretch out her wings and popped her neck. "Let's do it." Rainbow Dash was making out heavily with Vinyl Scrach in the bathroom. They slowly made their way into a stall, still in each other's hooves. Dash grabbed Scrach's hips and slammed her against the wall. "You're hot, Rainbow Ass," Vinyl said in a slurred tone. "It's Rainbow Dash, you crazy bitch." She ran her hoof through her new friend's electric blue mane. Things started getting heavy as they began making out again. However, things were starting to get a little too hot and they both had to stop so they could breath. "Hey, you want to take this back to my place?" Scratch asked giggling. "Of course we can. But hey, I got to take care of something real quick." She left the stall with a goofy smile plastered to her face. Rainbow Dash made her way back to the bar and she stopped. The scene in front of her very much resembled her college days. A crowd had gathered around the bar with Barney in the center. His coat was gone and his tie was tied around his head. On the bar was Winney the waitress with a some pony pouring some Applejack's whisky into her navel. Barney then took a swig of cider then threw the mug behind him and knelt down and sucked all the whisky out of Winney's hole. He stood up and faced the crowd. "That, my fellow horse people, is a body shot." The crowd started cheering in a drunk array. Rainbow Dash laughed. She was glad to see that he was enjoying himself. She made her way through the blasted crowed and stood in front of Barney. "Hello miss Rainbow Dash. How is that Vinyl girl working out?" His breath reeked heavily of alcohol. "Great, awesome actually. We're going back to her place. Thanks a lot." She said her cheeks flushed. Barney smiled at his success. "I m going to send you to my friend's house ok. I'll pick you up in the morning." "Alright, where's the place?" "It's the Library right down the street shaped like a giant tree. Just tell her RD sent you and that I'll return Daring Do next Wednesday." Barney nodded. "Down the street, got it. I will see you tomorrow. Or in a couple of hours I don't know." He raised his hand at Rainbow Dash and smiled. "High five." "Alright, then don't freak her out, she is a bit high strung if you know what I mean." She high fived him knowing that even if he was as calm as possible Twilight would still probably freak out. Barney nodded and grabbed his coat off the bar stool and headed for the door. The crowd that crammed the bar dispersed and Dash headed to the back to grab her new friend and take her home. Barney made his way onto the street and looked around for the tree shaped library. He couldn't help shaking the feeling that tree libraries were probably normal around here. He saw the big tree and started stumbling toward it. He fell down a couple of times, regretting that he lost his motor skills but knowing they went with good purpose. Once he reached the door he grabbed the frame to steady himself. He raised his hand slowly and knocked. A couple minutes past and no one answered so he banged loader. " Alright I'm coming don't get your nidgleisblifer..." The voice behind a the door turned to a quiet mumbling. A purple glow enveloped the door knob, turning it and opening the door. Barney saw that Dash's friend was a purple unicorn with wings and wearing a night gown. She yawned and rubbed her eyes. "What is the meaning of this? It's two in the morning! I was...." She stopped midrant as she took in who was at the door. She took a couple of steps back and slowly reached for her giant Marester dictionary. "Hi, my name is Barney Stinson I am very drunk and I need a place to stay. RD sent me, she said she was going to return Daring Do on Wednesday, I think?" He looked at her grinning stupidly. Twilight looked at Barney for a second disbelief still lingering. She set the dictionary down and opened the door wider. "Well, I guess you can come in then." She sighed. She could not believe Rainbow Dash was still sending over her drunk friends. Barney made his way inside the library. He looked around the library. He noticed the kitchen in the back and the stairs that led to a higher level. There was also another hallway with a door at the far end. Barney looked down at his host and she looked up back at him. "Ok Barney, you see the hallway down there?" He nodded. "Well, open the door, down there is the basement. It has my chemistry stuff and a couch. You can crash there for the night." She pointed at the hallway. Twilight turn the lights off and went back to her room. "Thanks." He yawned and made his way down the stairs and on to the soft sofa. Besides the smell of dust, everything felt perfect. He slowly drifted off to sleep, thus ending the night. > The After Show > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- *BOOM*. Barney fell off the couch. He lifted his throbbing head off the floor and looked around. How did I get here? He got up and looked down at his messy clothes. " God damn it." He swore. He was stuck in another world with a hangover and he couldn't even put on a fresh suit. He sat down and ran his fingers through his greasy hair. " Oh man my head. I must have lost it last night. Fricken horses man." He went to go upstairs then, *BOOM*!!!!!! The whole house/library shook violently. Barney fell over due to a still lingering lack of coordination. Suddenly everything smelled like smoke. He grabbed his coat, which was covered in conspicuous stains and made his way up the dusty stairs and to the door. He grabbed the handle to turn it only for the door to fall forward. He stood there and looked down at the handle still in his hands. " Ok then." Barney chucked the handle behind his head. I'm sure that wasn't my fault.He made his way out of the basement and into a chard and completely destroyed library. I really hope THIS wasn't my fault. He made his way through the smoking wreckage. He got glimpses of photos, books, and many personal items. All of which where destroyed by what ever came upon the library house thing. Once Barney cleared the remains he made his way to nearest house to find out the fate which had befallen the one he was staying at. He stopped at a tall house with a kinda of fairy tale look about it and knocked. He received no answer so he moved on to the next house, and the next one, and the next one. Apparently everyone on the block is gone. Not deterred by this he continued to go house to house like a Mormon knocking in hopes that there was someone still left in the town. He heard strange bellows and explosions coming from the mountains but he ignored it. After all if there can be talking horses surely there could be noisy mountains. After about an hour Barney was convinced that everypony died. He started making his ways back to the exploded library. Suddenly he noticed that all the ponies had not disappeared but had come out of there homes to look up at the sky which for some reason was filled with rainbows. He could also now hear singing. " LET RAINBOW REMIND YOU!!!". He made his way over with the rest of the town's ponies to the place where the library used to be. Only now for some odd reason a giant demented monolith was protruding from the ground. Everypony had gathered around it singing in harmony. Including Rainbow Dash, Twilight, some other ponies he didn't know. Some were wearing regal regalia, one was a crazy looking creature that could only be described as a taxonomists worst nightmare. All where all standing at the doors of the weird crystal castle thing. He made his way through the large crowed until he finally made his way to Rainbow Dash and friend who where in the middle of song. Barney's head was killing him and this didn't help. He also didn't get why they where so happy, why that castle thing was thing there, why Twilight looked like she just went ten rounds with a dragon ball z type monster, and how everyone knew the lyrics to the song they where singing, did they rehearse this? These where the questions pushed Barney just a little to far. " WHAT THEY HELL IS GOING ON AND WHY DIDNT ANYONE PREP ME FOR A MUSICAL NUMBER?!?!?!?!" Barney was fuming. Suddenly the singing stopped and all eyes turned to him. Rainbow Dashes gasped as she saw her new found friend looking so terrible from the events that lead to this very odd moment. She flew over to him and said, " Oh my gosh oh my gosh I'm so sorry I forgot about you. But something really crazy came up and, ummm, well it's a long story." She looked her friend in his baggy eyes. " Lets get you inside so you can wash off and talk." " So you're telling me that she." Barney pointed across the grand dining room table at Twilight, " Fought some evil magic eating demon from the bowels of hell, opened a box full of more magic shenanigans, and brought ever lasting peace to the land whilst becoming the princess of friendship and lord of the town." He leaned back in his chair and put his hands in the bath robe pockets and laughed. " That sounds like you girls had one hell of a time. But wait what where all of you doing when this was going on?" The lone human motioned at the rest of the girls sitting at various parts of the table. " Well darling the thing is....um." Rarity twirled her mane. " It kinda a long story see well." Applejack hid behind her hat. " We where coming to the save the day all cool looking but uuuuh." Rainbow Dash struck a pose. " Eh....um." Fluttershy hid behind her chair. " What happened was Twilight had been acting all weird and she was like zoom zoom. Then she shot up in the sky and went bam and was flying real fast. Then we tried to help her and she said," not today".Then she flew off, then we got betrayed by Discord and all our magic was suck out by lord big horns. There was an awesome show down then T-rex was like, give me your magic or you won't have your friends. Then she gave up and then deus ex machina now we won and she has a new house." Pinkie's wild explanation caused Barney lean back so far that he fell out of his chair. " Well then ladies." Barney stood up, " This is a cause for celebration. I say we head to the bar and party. To honor the town princess." He raised his hand in salute to Twilight. " I could go for a drink right about know." Twilight nodded in agreement to Barney's proposal. " SUIT UP! Oh wait a minute, Dash you wouldn't happen to know a tailor? I am running dangerously low on clothes. Not that it's a bad thing considering my company." The girls all blushed with the exception of Dash and PInkie Pie who was swinging on the chandelier from the mention of a possible party. " I don't know Barney we don't have many tailors. I certainly don't know anypony who knows anything about fashion or sewing I jus." Rarity came up and smacked the sarcastic look off Rainbow Dash's face. " Well Barney it would seem that your in good company. My best friend Rarity is the town fashionista." Rainbow rubbed the back of her head giving Rarity the stink eye. " Daring it would be my pleasure to help you outfit a new suit." " Excellent. Now everyone the bar at seven and remember to suit up." He grabbed his old clothes and made his way out with Rarity. " Ah Twi? What do ya reckon he ment by suit up?" AJ was confused. Twilight zapped a book into her hoof. " Suiting up, is defined in the Marester dictionary as, the art of becoming awesome via wearing a suit. It's also a official Barney Stinson catch phrase, copyright pending.... Wait what??? AT 7:00 PM The doors of the bar swung open reveling a man in a suit. His eyes covered by a pair of aviators. AC DC's Back in Black was playing for no particular reason. All eyes where on Barney's awesomeness which was gleaming of his freshly tailored black suit. Rarity was beside him in equally awesome attire. They walked through the tables, making their way to the booth near the bar where the rest of the gang sat. Mares fainted and colts became heated. Once they got to the booth Rarity took a seat. Barney took off his shades and snapped his fingers, the aviators burst into flames. The girls gasped at the magic that they where unaware that he possessed. " Oh my goodness I didn't know you had magic." The newly crowned queen of the town expressed with surprise. Barney reached behind Twilights ear and reviled his glasses still intact. " I happen to be a very capable magician." He pulled out some flowers from his sleeve and presented them to her. She took them with her magic and set them beside her drink. " Thank you." She blushed profusely. Barney slid into his set next to Dash and Pinkie who was slurping some chocolate milk. He looked at his compatriots puzzled. "I thought that I had explicitly stated to suit up. The only ones who did so where Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and myself. Also where is that other mare, with the butterfly butt marks. " She said she couldn't make it. And for your information Mr. Stinson I am a princess, I don't wear suits I wear dresses" Twilight she stated all uppity. Applejack protested, " I dont got any fancy clothes or nothin." Pinkie was at the bar chugging down a gallon of chocolate milk. " Hey Barney." He looked at the rainbow mare that addressed him. "Ya." " Rarity isn't cheap how did you afford her best stuff. Your kinda new here and don't have any bits. I'd be happy to help cover the expense." She offered " Oh my dear that won't be necessary, he already paid me." Rarity straightened her collar. " How the hel..." " We worked out a deal." Barney interjected. He scratched his head. " What kind of deal?" " Um..." Barney started messing with his tie. Applejack and Twilight started giving Barney some odd looks. Rarity blushed, " Its really not appropriate table talk girls so if we could just..." " Holy Faust you f*cked Barney." The smile Rainbow Dash's face grew huge. " Well I'm going to get a drink." Barney and Rarity shuffled their way past Rainbow Dash and over to the bar " Ditto." Rarity sped away. Rainbow Dash started to laugh her flank off. Applejack looked over at her royal friend. " Hows he gonna lecture us on proper attire when he bangs our best friend?" " I don't know AJ. But after all the crazy things that have happened I am not surprised and I need a drink" She made her way out of the booth. The only ones left where Dash and Applejack. An awkward silence held the air. They looked at each other for a bit to long and AJ started turning red. Dash looked at her friend and scooted a bit closer. " Hey gorgeous. Mind if I by you a drink?" The cyan mare poked around playfully. Applejack started hiding behind her hat. " Sure." She was happy Rainbow Dash finale picked up on her. " Hey Whinney an Appletini for the miss." She motioned to the waitress who looked over and nodded in acknowledgement. At the bar Barney was flirting profusely with Rarity. Twilight took the stool next to them. " Applejacks whiskey if you would please." She spoke to the gruff bar tender. He grabbed a bottle and glass. "Ice?" " Yes please." He did as asked. She went to grab some bits from her saddle bag but forgot that she left it at the booth. " Sorry I forgot my bad." Twilight was embarrassed by her obvious forgetfulness. " It's on the house. Thanks for keeping this town safe princess." He smiled and went about his business. The princess sat there in a mix of confusion and content. Being royalty had it's perks but free drinks wasn't one. She levitate her drink. " Cheers to me guess." In a sarcastic tone. She drank her feelings of the day down with her drink. The sound of the other patrons drifted away as the alcohol hit her blood stream. Everything was over. Tirek, her house, her new responsibility to the town, all gone with the after taste of maple. Her glass was empty quick so the bar tender filled her up again. Twilight knew she should probably take it easy but at that moment relaxation was the only thing she was entertaining tonight. As if out of irony a colt walked up to her. " Oh goodness your princess Twilight. Your one of the greatest magic user in all of Equestria. Can I get you autograph?" He thrust a pen and paper at her. A look of stupid admiration on his face. In her buzzed up mood she was inclined to tell him to piss of. But being a princess meant she had to be curtious to her subjects. " I'm kind of not..." She was interrupted by Barney. Who had stopped nibbling on Rarity's ear and pushed the colt out of the way to face her. " Greatest magician in all Equestria huh. Well I contest that title. Miss Sparkle I challenge you to a magic duel!" He exclaimed drunken and loud enough for the entire bar to hear. And doing this the entire looked over at the scene as it played out. The patrons awaited the princesses answer.