Rescuing stupid humans from Equestria, and saving ponies from psychopaths. That's part of our job.
(Canceled)
Ever found yourself walking on a park, falling into a wormhole, and waking up on Equestria? Were you a common pony living your life, and suddenly woke up chained on a basement?
Don't worry, because the new subdivision of secret things is here to help you!
And relax; in the end, you'll not remember a thing about it.
"Good morning and welcome to the Pony Mesa Transit System. This automated train is provided for the security and convenience of the Pony Mesa Research Facility personnel. The time is 8:47 AM. Current topside temperature is 69 degrees with an estimated high of 75. The pony Mesa Compound is maintained at a pleasant..."
A slight swing of the train pulled me out of a nice nap, my forehead skin was ridiculously flattened from the extended contact with the windows - thanks God, the wagon was empty. I really wanted to avoid any unnecessary attention, It was just my first day after all.
"...Please remember to present your ID card for validation at the central lobby authentication system. Your security is essential to us. This train is equipped with high pres..."
I checked my pockets and found it; a small black card with a glossy white stripe crossing its surface. 'Level 5 Clearance' Said the bold letters carved on it. I looked to my hands and sighed
Believe me, It was everything but easy to reach my position. After almost two decades working for CIA, countless scars (physical and psychological ones), and burnt digits later - here I am; on 'Equestrian Security and Research Center', just a fancy name to the corporation who keeps those silly humans away from aliens. Well, not aliens 'aliens'. I mean, reptilians, grays, tentacles, and all this kind of shit is responsibility of the seventh division guys.
If I remember well, their names are K and J, I'm not sure though. Anyway, our job is kinda different, we just deal with the ponies.
Yeah, you heard that... Ponies
When I got accepted in the Equestrian Security, the veterans said that the first contact made with their species happened about twelve years ago, after a disastrous incident inside the LHC. Yes, that huge particle collider in Switzerland. Records say that a pink creature randomly spawned inside the facility.
God save their souls...
Needless to say, the government was forced to intervene. In the end they said it was a meteorological balloon, and everything went out just fine.
Nah, I'm just kidding - actually, they evacuated the site and filled the whole thing with concrete. The pony... Well, it would likely be dissected, but the creature somehow persuaded the scientists to throw a party with her.
Some talks, money, portals and parties later, we finally achieved a direct contact with their leader. I will not describe all that boring diplomatic stuff, but both sides agreed to keep secret about the other's existence. The human race wasn't prepared to deal with magic nor the ponies with bullets.
Unfortunately, the layer between our dimensions is uniquely thin and delicate, this way, peculiar disturbances tend to occur frequently after the LHC incident.
And hey! Here's where our division takes place; we keep ponies away from humans, and humans away from ponies. It may look simple, but believe me; it is not.
"Agent S, good to see you. Any problems during your trip down here?" My partner and guide - Johnson, greeted me as I tripped on the platform steps.
"N-no, not at all..." I chuckled awkwardly " So, how are you, John?" I shook his hand.
"Oh, I'm the same as ever, boy." He smiled "Sylvester, I must ask you to call me J2 from now on, for security reasons, you know."
"S-sure, sorry for that, I'm still-"
"There's no need to apologize, son." The veteran nudged me. "It was just a quick reminder. Now let's go, let me show you the place and give your equipment, I have a busy morning planned for you today."
'Oh well, that's great...'
As we made our way through the complex, agent J2 pointed, described and talked incessantly about absolutely everything; from the coffee shop to the parabolic-quantum portals. I half listened to him, but to be frank with you, I just wanted a pillow - Or maybe a cup of coffee.
"... And right there, behind those silver double doors is where we stock the gadgets used on- Agent S! Are you listening to anything I'm saying?" He abruptly stopped in front of the doors, I almost bumped against his back.
"Y-yes, yes - I'm listening, sorry for that... " I stuttered.
"Yeah, don't worry boy, this tend to happen with everyone in this place." He patted my shoulder "People say there's something in the air down here, you know? To cause us amnesia... Bullshit - Now come here, I'm gonna show you some little toys." With a snap of his fingers, the doors went open.
As we stepped inside the room, all lights came on simultaneously, revealing a huge matrix-like room, lined by dozens, if not hundreds of shelves, stacked high with everything you could imagine.
"Welcome to the Inventory!" He said.
Wasting no time, J2 started to zigzag through the corridors, looking for something, I presumed. But I just stood there in the doorway, dazzled by the sight.
"Feel free to walk around and explore, just try to be careful." His voice echoed as he vanished from sight. "Some artifacts are enhanced with magical attributes, 'gifts' from Princess Celestia."
Princess Celestia
Oh, I remember the first time I saw her picture. Good god, I've never imagined that an equine could be so graceful- Okay, before you go around thinking I had some weird crush on alien royalty, allow me to explain myself;
Even if I had a crush - I could never get even close to her, firstly because she was like an Equestrian equivalent to Queen Elizabeth - Immortals, you know? And second but not least important; for security reasons, human visits to their world were strictly restricted.
As a matter of fact, since the two dimensions made contact, just seven humans were allowed to get there - Not counting those ones who accidentally reached their realm somehow.
The same law is applied to Earth. Unlike other alien species coming from the same universe, Equestria is a completely different place, it has different physical laws and a surely different way of interpreting things. While our cosmos seems to work based upon chaotic laws, their one is the extreme opposite. Harmony, love and etc...
Anyway, there were dozens of reasons justifying as to why humans couldn't date with ponies. It's sad, I know, but things work like that.
*Bip Bip Bip Bip Bip*
"I swear, I didn't touched anything!" I quickly turned around, looking for an activated bomb or- whatever. But just found J2, laughing at me. "Hang on S, it's just my beep." He pulled the device out of his pocket "By the way, your equipment is right there waiting for you." There were some widgets placed over a table.
"Equip yourself, I'm gonna see what Senior Redwood wants, I'll be right back." I just nodded.
As he left, I approached the table to check my new belongings; a strange looking gun - 'UnMagic' written on its stock, I've used this on training lessons, it's a magic inhibitor device. Very useful against unicorns.
There were also a couple of medical supplies and Equestrian healing potions; aside from the inter-dimensional traffic control, we still kept close contact with them - two human ambassadors lived in Canterlot (secretly of course) as well two unicorns here in the base.
Back to my equipment, I noticed that peculiar little thing -
A slightly small cane-looking object, it had a red gemstone on its base and a pony head at the top. Well, I could say more about this, but unfortunately, it's confidential. A 'privilege' given to us by Princess Twilight.
As I grabbed my things, agent J2 opened the doors in a hurry and directly headed to a cabinet in special. A large, sealed one.
"What- Hey man, what's happening?"
From his belt he retrieved a strange silver key, wasting no more time, he opened it. Throwing papers and small objects on the floor, he grabbed a massive dark gun - from god knows where - and attached it to his cross belt.
"Pack your things S, we have a 171 here."
[b"Hey wait, w-we have what?!"
I tried to follow him, J2 ran as if his life depended on it, when we finally stopped I was panting as a beaten dog. I looked around, we were on the launching pads chamber.
"W-what the hell is a 171??" I asked, still slightly breathless. Ignoring my question, he just threw me inside one of the cabins.
"Hold your arms against your chest agent S, we must be quick now, Lyra came to earth again."
What a stupid question - Yes, I'm pretty sure everyone remembers that fateful day, when the World Trade Center collapsed after being struck by two hijacked planes. A couple of years later, the Freedom Tower was built over the same site.
I must admit, it was a great example of overcoming. The tower (and the whole new world trade center complex) is there for almost a decade, and it still the largest building in America.
However, what people weren't allowed to know, was that besides the WTC complex, another complex was built - or better - dug, right under the tower foundations.
Deep below Manhattan busy streets, lies the Pony Mesa compound. Built around the first decade of 21st century, it was originally projected to serve as an appendix for MIB facility, but after the LHC incident the whole place was changed in order to house a new branch of Men in Black.
Yeah... And that would explain why I've found myself locked inside a janitor closet, at Freedom Tower basement.
"Ouch!" I cringed, as a sightly large bucket fell over my head.
"Dammit Jay! Did you had to use the emergency ejection system?" I threw the bucket on the ground. I probably shouldn't be complaining though, it was this or the flush.
"Well S, this is an emergency isn't it?" Light filled the small dusty room, as J2 turned on the flashlight. "Now, if you excuse me..." With a single kick, the agent knocked down the door, some brooms and squeegees fell around us as we made our way out of that place.
And I felt like Harry Potter...
For our own luck the basement was empty, otherwise, this would be hard to explain. Well, maybe not that hard... In fact, I really doubt someone would notice our presence.
Since we made contact, a bunch of benefits were given to us of the Equestrian Security. To the envy of MIB agents, we received plenty of magical augments to our equipment, as well many other mystical objects to ease our job with Equestrian creatures.
Whereas earth doesn't appears to have any magic, it does exist and can be used; our world is capable of produce magic, but almost no human is able to utilize it properly. And that's where our special stuff come into play; a good example of it was my suit.
No, it wasn't invisible if you're wondering - the enchantment wouldn't make us look like a ghost, but it would certainly make our bodies almost unnoticeable.
'How the hell can you be unnoticeable, without being invisible?' You may ask me.
Well, that's quite simple; people were still able to see us - but wouldn't pay any attention to the strange looking guys, on weird clothes and bizarre weapons over their backs.
Unless we spoke, or touched them.
But we're not here to talk about magical suits, are we? I guess not.
After I found a way out of that basement, we crossed the bustling courtyard of the building and as expected, no one gave a damn about our presence. If the instructions were right, the car should be awaiting for us.
"Here it is!" I spotted the vehicle. Oh, the old 1987 Crown Victoria; surely more than the eye can see. I went on the passenger seat as my partner handed me that weird weapon.
"Put this on the backseat, I've brought it just in case. You never know when a situation will need a bigger gun - in special when we're talking about Lyra Heartstrings"
"Who's this pony you're talking about?" I asked "And for God's sake man, can you tell me what's happening here?"
He started the car and left. "Well, she's a unicorn..." His voice sounded irritated. "A very problematic one."
"You said she's on earth again... How- I mean, seriously J2, you're making it sound as if Lyra is some kind of devilish unicorn, with fangs and stuff like that." I sarcastically said "She's not a changeling... Is she?"
My partner just sighed. "No, she's not a changeling.Don't you dare to mention that probability again! please." He frowned " This is the third time I'm dealing with her - I was forced to erase the memory of an entire city once, and also prevented her from harassing a senator. Two times."
"Lyra is not a joke agent S. When we finally captured her, the damage was already done." The agent shook his head disappointedly. "Her own memory was erased two times, and you know what they say out there-"
"Every time the memory is modified, the subject becomes 25% crazier" We spoke in unison.
"Gee, that's terrible J2..." What a great mission for your first day - find a mentally ill unicorn. Mommy would be so proud.
As we approached Central Park, its surroundings seemed unusually crowded, not by common visitors and their cameras, but by dozens of police officers and the anti-bomb squad.
Not a good sign - I thought.
"I'm starting to guess this agglomeration has something to do with Heartstrings' presence... Am I mistaken?" Several of those live news trucks were parked at the entrances, obscuring most of the view.
"Yes, and no. MIB agents have disclosed a false bomb threat, and now the police is investigating. It keeps them busy while we do our work."
We parked the car on a less crowded road, I got my equipment and left. Dodging from a group of hurried pedestrians, we headed to the area in which some Men in Black agents should be waiting for us.
Two peculiar men dressed exactly as us, waved from a nearby part of the park. There was a small group of ladies talking to them - which from the look stamped in their faces, were probably affected by Lyra...
"Agent J... 2." An old, grizzled men shook his hand. "Long time since we met huh? And It looks like you've finally got a new partner- You know, I still remember what happened to that guy... God rest his soul."
...
"Erm... It's a g-great honor to meet you agent K, I'm S." I managed to say, after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"Oh, the honor is all mine, son." He smiled. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll last longer than poor agent L."
"Yeah... That's what I'm planning."
Agent K was a practically living legend of the MIB, he's been working with them for like... forever? This way, in the meantime, K witnessed most of the weirdest cases that have ever come to our attention.
"And you must be J!" I greeted the agent by his side.
"Yeah, that's me! Nice to meet you, man, welcome to hell- to the corporation." He chuckled
"So, greetings aside- what do we've got here today, J?" J2 asked.
"Oh yeah- of course; the control center just informed us that those gentle ladies over there witnessed some weird stuff, but as we got here to check the situation, and listened to their testimony- I couldn't help but notice that it was your jurisdiction thing. If ya' know what I mean."
"Yes, we believe that it is." I scratched my neck.
"Very well then, if you don't mind gentlemen, we have some important matters to deal with - So... They're all yours." Agent K patted my shoulder.
"I would highly recommend using it." He whispered, pointing to the lump under my coat. I nodded. "It was nice to see you again J2, you too S. Until next time." With that, they just left us with four women to talk and a unicorn to find.
"Okay... Why don't you ladies come with us over here, so we can talk, and maybe solve this problem?" J2 led them to a nearby bench.
"Now, who wants to explain what really happened here?" They just stared at us with blank expressions.
"G-green." A mid-forties woman muttered.
"I- I'm sorry, but what?"
"It was a green... Thing- It j-just - dear god, I was just having a picnic with my friends, and it jumped over our table... Screaming and-" She burst into tears, her friend placed an arm around her shoulder.
"Don't worry ma'am, we're here to help. But we need as much information as possible."
She sobbed " I- I don't know w-what was that! I have never - in my entire life seen s-such a monstrosity! It looked like a small- Jesus Christ... I don't even know how to describe it, maybe a dog, o-or some kind of horse." She wiped her eyes.
"It was talking about... Our fingers- I was so scared." Said another woman, this one seemed to be in some kind of post traumatic stage.
"Did the creature tried to hurt you?" J2 inquired.
"N-no, but it tried to put its repulsive muzzle on my fingers! I tried to escape, but she- I suppose it was a she, held my body in place with some kind of- s-some kind of energy field."
"I thought I would die!" She collapsed into tears again.
I looked to J2 - J2 looked at me, and we both nodded; those poor ladies were terrified, and we simply couldn't let them leave in such deplorable conditions.
We put on our sunglasses, as I searched for 'it' in my jacket pocket.
All hail the Twicanelyzer! Such a masterpiece of technology and magic inside a single object. Unlike MIB Neuralyzers, this one is way much better - as an enchanted equipment, the Twicanelyzer can perform far more than memory wiping sections.
"Ladies, this is very important. I'll need all of your attention for a bit. Won't be long, I promise." I lifted the cane and pointed Princess Twilight's head at them.
Only a rainbow flash of light later, and I had a small group of completely stunned people, staring at my face.
"Good..." I placed the cane back on my suit. "Now listen to me: You was having a picnic with your friends, when a policeman approached, and said there was a bomb alert and unfortunately, you all had to leave Central Park- Oh, and a K-9 tried to lick your fingers, but it was nothing really disturbing."
"Good job." J2 whispered.
Well, that was easier than I thought...
I should have kept my mouth shut.
The picnic girls finally left, but now there was a magical pony hiding somewhere into the Central Park. And to make things worse, we couldn't get any help from the police.
You know; fugitive alien horses and etc... It was one o'clock, my stomach rumbled - and my day was just beginning.
Afternoon in Central Park; the perfect time to hang out with your friends, chat, appreciate the beautiful Manhattan view, and also-
Walk around with a magical cane in your hands searching for an alien psychopathic pony. A unicorn to be more precise. Oh Lyra, why? Why have you decided to visit us, today?
"Did you get something in your cane?" Agent J2 asked me, changing the settings of his equipment.
"Not yet." I sighed.
I probably never told you about all the utilities of the Twicanelyzer, did I? Very well, thanks to Princess Twilight, this special tool in enhanced with pretty much everything you need to deal with ponies and magical beings in general. But surely, one of its key apps is undoubtedly the PonyFinder.
No, it's not a relationship website, but an advanced detector system similar to a radar of sorts, the big difference is that PonyFinder utilizes the magical energy traces left behind by Equestrian creatures.
And that's the reason behind our bizarre, and almost nonsensical actions. Such as walking around the park while pointing the Twicanelyzers to the sky. It worked as an antenna, if you wanna know.
"J2... Man, don't you think the police will get suspicious about... Well, this??" I pointed to him, which now just paced in circles around a tree.
"Not at all, they believe this is some kind of bomb detector. Don't worry S, if shit happens, we can still make use of the mind eraser tool. What we can't do now, is let the pony escape from this place."
I just nodded, turning around to check another area. Well, if that's how it's going to be, I better start acting like an idiot too. I picked up my tool, and resumed my walk towards the old oak bridge. The unicorn won't find herself.
My morning? Well, it was gone, and it dragged away my afternoon too. Now the night was falling over our heads, together with a slightly uncomfortable wind, and we still couldn't find the damned pony!
I stopped on my tracks, observing the city lights at distance, and the thought of a hot cup of coffee, probably waiting for me in a nearby cafe. The cane was beeping sporadically, and I sincerely didn't knew what to do anymore.
"Ahhh, for Christ's sake! J2, this can't be possible dude, this shit must be broken!" The Twicanelyzer suddenly started to beep incessantly, showing clear signals of magical energy around us, despite the fact that there was no Lyra to be seen.
"I really don't know what too say, it never acted this way before... It's pointing up to the sky, but I don't think she could have turned herself into a pegasus. Or could she?" He frowned.
"I'm not thinking about wings... I'm certainly more worried about the possibility of this thing leaving Central Park. It's not that difficult considering that this place has- I don't know, dozens of entrances?" I prayed to god I was wrong. New York as one of the largest and populous cities in the world, was surely one of the worst places to perform a successful search operation. I thought about every corner, every alley, every single human Lyra could find. And there were over 9 million of them out there in the megalopolis.
I don't want to think about what would happen if she ever reached Times Square.
We leaned against a tree, our necks ached as hell from all the ups and downs of the day. Literally and metaphorically.
I sighed "I don't know what to-" I was interrupted, as something fell over my head with a thump. "Ouch!" We turned our heads to look at tree right behind us. A heavy and large acorn had just fallen onto my head.
Have you ever had one of those weird insights? Random inspirations? A moment of illumination? Call it whatever you want. Personally, I just felt like Newton when the apple landed on his head. The difference of course was the acorn, the tree, and almost everything, but that's not the case.
I stared at agent J2 with the weirdest smile stamped on my face, looking back and forth to the cane, faintly beeping inside my jacket and the acorn by my side.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked, my smile growing even more.
"Ah... That the acorn hit your head harder than I expected?" Ignoring his commentary, I stood up and opened my arms, turning around my feet like a ballet dancer. Okay, it may have looked a little bit gay, but whatever.
"What do you see around us, J2?" I asked.
He thought for a while, then answered "I see... trees?"
"YES!" I screamed "Thousands of trees! They were around us all the time, and we don't even noticed!"
"Agent S, I don't think I'm understanding your point-" He pressed his temples.
"My point? She must be on the trees! The only plausible explanation for this, is that the unicorn stuck herself somewhere inside the tree tops" I stated. J2 thought for a while, he was tired as well, so his mind wouldn't think that fast. His eyes observing the trees around us, as he stood up from his spot.
The older agent evaluated the scene one more time, then stopped by my side. "Well, congratulations agent S, you have a good point there, still, being it true or not we still have a problem."
"Yeah, I know, the missing pony."
"That's a problem too, but I was thinking about something else, and it's a very 'numerous' problem - If you could say that..." J2 rested an arm on my shoulder.
"Just how many trees, do you think there are in Central Park?"
"Agent S, I don't feel comfortable with this. H-hey wait, I'm your superior!" He squirmed under the dark blanket roughly wrapped around his body, except for one of his hands.
"Hey, you was the one who said she had this creepy hand fetish!" I picked up a considerably large flashlight inside the car, along with the massive magic inhibitor gun that J2 smartly decided to bring with us.
"Yes, but I never allowed you to use me as a bait!"
Okay, you might be wondering 'What the hell is just happening', and I have a quite simple answer; Lyra is fascinated by human hands, and we have the hands she want!
There was a spare fire proof blanket inside the car, it was dark and large enough to hide something - or someone. So I just thought: 'Hey, why don't I force J2 to run around the park, while I highlight those beautiful fingers of him, with a pretty light?'
Sounds like a stupid plan, I know, but just between us; We're dealing with Lyra Heartstrings.
"Come on J2, swallow your veteran pride just for a couple of minutes and let's catch this unicorn! I still wanna get home before midnight." He muttered something under the mantle, but fortunately, his voice was muffled thanks to the cloth thickness. So I couldn't understand most of his curses.
"Think positively, my friend; the worst that could happen to you is some unwanted licks on your fingers!" I chuckled, and thanked god for that soundproof mantle.
"Raise your hands John! I think I listened something coming from that tree" I whispered on the radio. "Go go go, walk. I'm right behind you"
As we practically crawled through the tick bushes and foliage, the cane beeped louder and louder inside my pocket. 'She must be here somewhere...' I thought.
Like an eagle, I inspected every single branch thoroughly, looking for my prey. Agent J2 looked like something escaped from the asylum; all wrapped in his blanket, while shaking the only visible hand in the air.
A loud rustle coming from a nearby treetop made us halt; I sharply turned my head to look at it and spotted a dark figure perched over the branches of an old oak.
'Dammit, she's here, I need a quick, clever and calculated plan.'
"OH MY GOD IS THAT A HAND RIGHT THERE?" I screamed and pointed the flashlight beam at agent J2 hand. Yes, I admit it was stupid, but as I said, we're dealing with-
"Hands?"
Lyra...
Sure, at first I doubted that my 'plan' would cause any positive effects, but the unicorn completely ignored my presence and instinctively threw herself over- "Get the fuck off me"Agent J2.
"b]Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod, sweet Faust, I knew it, I knew I would get one!" Lyra shouted, while grabbing his hand with a hoof. "I can finally explore this marvelous apparatus!" Yes, as expected the unicorn knocked him on the ground. On a split of second she unwrapped the blanket of his body, and tied the agent limbs with a magical knot.
"AGENT S, GET THIS CREATURE OUT OF ME!!" Fine... I already had my fun.
While the crazy unicorn entertained herself with his fingers, I lifted the magical inhibitor from my back and aimed at her. 'Say good bye to your magic'
I fired; the recoil made my shoulders wobble as if a boulder had just fallen over my back, a strong electrical pulse left the gun, lightning the woods, and then, it dispersed in mid air. "What the hell! Where did she wen-"
"S, RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
Something crashed against my neck. "Well well well, what do we have here?!" She wrapped her hooves around my head, I shook my body violently, trying to disentangle myself of her.
I tried to fire over my shoulder - unsuccessfully. Every time I shot, she just teleported out of the gun range like a ghost. And I thought catching unicorns was an easy task...
"Stop- Doing- This- Silly human" Lyra said while dodging the gunfire, she finally popped out right in front of me and grasped one of my legs, throwing me off balance.
"Whoaaa!" I collapsed on the ground, the gun slipped away from my hands.
"Now Now..." She climbed on top of me "What delicious finges you have!"
"Ewwwwwwwww, let me go your weird-" *BOOM*
Everything went silent as her body limply fell on the ground as a dry leaf. I turned my head to the side, and spotted agent J2 with the smoking gun in his hands.
"D-did you killed her??" I stood up abruptly and hurriedly checked the pony in front of me expecting the worst.
He just giggled.
"Don't worry, she's fine. At least I think so... I was forced to use the max power of this thing." Placing the Magic Inhibitor back on its place, he sighed. "Lyra is sleeping, that's all. At least for a while." Picking up the blanket, he wrapped it around the unicorn unconscious body, and lifted her like a baby.
Dammit, I almost suffered a heart attack when he shot her. I like ponies, I really do, that's why I accepted the job in the first place. The last thing I wanted was a dead one in my first mission.
"She looks so lovely and innocent this way." I said, Lyra quietly snoring on his arms "And, what do we do now?" I asked.
"Well, now we have to drive back to the base, and send her home with another memory lapse..." As we headed to the car, I checked my clock; It was almost 10 pm. Heck, not even a mobster takes this long to get captured by the cops.
Placing the mint green pony on the backseat, we got inside the vehicle. Booth of us sighing. Fuck it, we sighed as hell today.
"So, that was surely the day!" We giggled.
"Yeah agent S, It was a hard one. Don't let it put your expectations down though, you just had the misfortune of meeting her on your first day." He pointed over his shoulder to the unicorn. "What do you say S - we had a helluva job today, I give you a day off tomorrow, okay?"
"Sweet Jesus Christ, thank you! I mean... Well that's okay for me." We laughed, yes... We could laugh for a while, at least until the next-
Weeks have passed since my first day here in the Pony Mesa compound, naturally, I enjoyed my day off after Lyra's unexpected visit, but just between us; there's no much a secret agent can do to have fun aside from the usual 'walk around the park'. We never know when our presence will be requested.
Peculiarly, the last few days have been relatively calm and without any relevant occurrences. A few magical objects spotted here and there, some reports of pegasus sightings in New Haven (We couldn't confirm anything yet) and paperwork; tons of paperwork.
I spend most of my work hours inside the underground facility, we share the place with a huge team of scientists and researchers, sometimes MIB agents come here to talk to Senior Redwood, or just hang out with the pony ambassador (I'm pretty sure one of our agents has a crush on her)
I don't know what the interdimensional laws regarding inter-species relationships says about official ambassadors rights, but I believe I'm about to find out judging by the way that Silver Words looks at him.
Anyway, last night agent J2 handed me a box filled up with random objects; from shoes to electric toothbrushes. The reason of course, was related to magic, you would be surprised to know how many enchanted objects the government apprehends every year in airports around the country. (Most of them come from Pennsylvania, don't ask me why though; we really don't know)
I had to check one by one and categorize each object by threat level. Several shrinking shoes, flying spoons and invisible knifes later I fell asleep over my table. I'm such an irresponsible bastard.
A faint beeping sound interrupted my slumber, and I had no idea for how long I've been asleep. We have some shutters here, but Pony Mesa Is an underground facility so they don't truly lead anywhere besides the artificial sunlight system that simulates the day and night cycle.
I suppose it was already day out there, since my room was tenuously backlit when I woke up. I rubbed my palms against my eyes to send the sleepiness away, checked my clock at the desk and it said 06:37 am
Looking to myself I noticed I was still dressed in my traditional black suit, I sighed. Something constantly beeped inside the box, it couldn't be my Twicanelizer; the silly thing was inside my pocket.
Oh well, I can deal with this later... I thought.
I stood up from the chair and walked towards the bathroom to start my morning routine and have a refreshing shower. The box coukd wait.
What could go wrong?
Wrapped in my towel and with my relatively long hair still dripping from the previous bath, I turned to clean the fogged mirror while brushing my teeth. It was Saturday and my shift only started after noon, so I wasn't in a hurry to do anything useful. (Which was a rare thing)
I turned on the small screen at the mirror to watch the morning news; as ever there was nothing really interesting happening around the world.
'..and today starts the fifth edition of the World Equestrian Fairm which this year takes place in Tokyo, Japan. The festival that attracts millions of visitors every year since its first edition in 2018, expects to break last edition record of 2 million attendees-'
Oh the reverse psychology...
I have to admit, agent F has done an excellent job when she turned alien equines into a tv show. I mean, who would have guessed that the innocent Hasbro Corporation, and its cute colored ponies were nothing but a well articulated plan?
How many of those so called 'Bronies' would faint if they discovered the real truth behind Friendship is Magic?
"...the festival will count with the presence of Daniel Heartz creator of Equus Life, the revolutionary software for Oculus Rif-"
A loud noise drew my attention out from the newscast and to the bathroom door. As if something had bumped against the wall.
"What the hell?" I muttered.
I rested my toothbrush over the sink counter and walked towards the door, slowly opening it just enough to put my head outside. I hastily ducked just in time to protect my face from a flying pony toy. This wasn't a normal toy though, it was a robot Twilight Sparkle plushie, the fact it was a robot wasn't a problem for itself; you can get one of those in any toy store.
But If this piece was inside the box, they must have placed it there for a very good reason-
"Don't you wanna be my friendzdzdzdzdz *beep* Don't you wanna die?" As I said, a very good reason.
"Holy fuck-" I tried to close the door but the demonic robot crashed against it and swung it open. I jumped over the counter desperately trying to protect myself from the cursed machine while it tried to pierce me with its uncovered horn.
"Ha ha ha, I'll teach you the beauty of harmo- blood and pain" She said with a corrupted robotic voice.
I plucked the mirror out from the wall and threw it on Twilight's head, the robot emitted a creepy groan and collapsed on the floor giving me just enough time to escape from the bathroom and lock the machine inside.
I rushed directly to my desk, searching for my magic inhibitor gun. Where... Where's this damned gun- Wooden and glass shards flew everywhere when the bathroom door exploded, the knob landing dangerously close to me.
"I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia faithful-" She turned her head 180 degrees like a horror movie haunt and stared at me "murderer" Twilight added with a terrifying cute voice.
"Help! Someone help me!" I screamed and ran toards the front door, unfortunately, she had wings. My body slammed against the shelves with full force, knocking the air out of me, her horn still fuming after the powerful spell.
I stayed there on the floor, my sore back leaning against the wall. Twilight approached me and placed a hoof on my shoulder "To be a good student you must learn how to stay quiet..." Her artificial horn started to flicker.
"Learn this!"
In a sudden move I grabbed the first object I found by my side and hit her head. And look! It was a dictionary. A large, Oxford dictionary...
"Ahhhhhhh- What-what-what have you done to me!" She rocked her head violently, her sparkling horn was cracked by the blow. Wasting no time, I grabbed the robot by its neck and threw her over my desk, as the only way to deactivate it was ripping the spine circuits.
Jumping over the machine, I searched for a compartment under the artificial fur; it was the main circuit box. I didn't realized that her hooves were still fully operational. Until she kicked my balls.
"HOLY CRAP!"I screamed, releasing the pony and curling up in fetal position. My towel was gone, and a maniac robot was still squirming over my work table. With her horn broken, she was completely unpredictable and out of control.
After I recovered from the shock, I walked back to the table and with some difficulty, turned over her body so I could access the circuits hiding between her neck and her wings.
"Hmmmmmmmmph release me! I'll destroy you!" It screamed.
"Shut the fuck up!" I struggled with the convulsing wings to reach the right place, she contorted and kicked, cursing my name while I tried to switch her off.
To worsen my situation, the pathetic A.I started to scream and moan on purpose. "Noooo please, you're hurting me! Please sir, d-don't" When I finally reached one of the wires and was about to yank it out, my chamber's door swung open.
"Ahhhhnnn nooooooo, you're being too harsh!"
"... I heard some noises, is everything alright agent- Jesus Christ Agent S! Contain yourself!" J2 quickly covered his eyes.
"Please, don't do it sirrrrr" The machine finally died.
"Agent J2! I-It's n-not what it looks like, I swear!" I looked to myself; I was naked, dripping in sweat, holding a moaning pony droid by its wings over a table. I don't even want to know what it looked like.
"S... Please, at least cover yourself!" He said, turning his face away from me.
I picked up my towel from the floor and wrapped myself again. "Man, I was just deactivating it!" I tried to prove my point, showing the mess around the room.
"So that's how they call it today? Deactivate the plushie?" He pointed to 'Twilight' "The princess wouldn't approve this you know?"
"I-I... I don't need- It's not a plushie! It's a robot, and It was enchanted. I was brushing my teeth when it attacked me!" I threw the thing back inside the box "Do you really though I was- Never mind..." I face palmed.
"I really don't want to know Agent S." He observed the destroyed room around him, and stared back at me. "Just put some decent clothes and meet me in Redwood's office, something really bad happened in Equestria... And they want us to go there."
Ignoring the ridiculous jokes about the previous 'accident' - and the diversity of awkward glances I received from other people along the way to Redwood's office, I advanced through the facility in a thoughtful state of mind; why the old man needed me in Equestria was an unsettling mystery for me.
Senior Agent Redwood was the only person here allowed to keep his old name, he was a sturdy man already in his seventies, with an unusually white (and long) hair, a trait which naturally earned him several nick names, the most popular of his titles was 'The Mage' - And not only due his oddly magical look, but also for his skills and knowledge.
Redwood had been studying ancient civilizations, rare energy manipulations, magical creatures, and plenty of other obscure arts for decades - long before the Pony Mesa complex was formed, he was already a high-ranking member of Men in Black corporation, responsible for dealing with the quirkiest races.
He was also, the first human to ever be allowed to step on Equestrian ground, and personally talk to the princesses. Redwood saved the world from a disastrous cultural shock, and survived the experience of flying through a dimensional rift. To sum up the whole thing - Paul Redwood was the man.
Agent D, a close friend of mine who was also summoned to the unexpected session, walked by my side as we crossed the main lobby of the underground building. The room we were heading for was located at the lowest level of the facility, it was Redwood's 'special place', and where he developed and tested all of the Equestrian equipment. We stood for a few seconds in front of the shiny elevator doors, until our black cards were checked and re-checked by the scanner. With a green sign, the doors opened, and to our mutual surprise, Silver Words was already inside, fixing her mane on the mirrored wall.
"Oh, g-good morning D." She turned around, blushing a little as she moved a strand of silvery hair away from her face. "Ah, and I see that you've finally arrived agent S, they are waiting for you down there." She said, moving aside as we stepped into the elevator.
"I presume you already know what this is all about, Silver." I said. She ignored my existence for a few seconds, since contemplating Agent D while he stroked his chin, seemed to be substantially more interesting than looking at me - or my questions. But as the doors closed, and the silence became uncomfortable for the three of us, she decided to answer me.
"I don't think I'm the right pony to give you this explanation, S. Redwood has contacted Silent Notes last night, and they've been talking since then about this incident." She stated
"Incident?" Agent D frowned. "This doesn't sound any good for me... Why did the old man called that stupid unicorn instead of one of his own agents?"
"Because none of you can levitate a single spoon using magic, that's why." She rolled her eyes. "It was Silent Notes or me - and it happened to be him."
Silent Notes was naturally silent for most of the time, he was a jet-black unicorn with terrific stealth skills and an overly inflated ego, sometimes justified by his extensive repertoire of enchantments and spells. Luckily for him and his human coworkers, an ambassador could only hold the office for a term of three years - still - in only one, Silent Notes managed to elicit such mixed opinions about him.
Half of the corporation hated his guts, while the other half idolized him. Naturally, Agent D was part of the first group.
Before D was able to start another argument with her about spoons and magic, the double doors opened again and I was the first one to leave. There, on the deepest floor of Pony Mesa, the corridors and chambers were all sharply carved into granitic stone; all the walls, pillars and floors were constantly polished and cleaned, giving the stone an almost reflective surface.
There was a tall grayish door at the end of the corridor, flanked by two sculpted obelisks made of an unknown purplish crystal, those were the only light sources of that place and everything else was partially plunged into shadows. D and Silver had finally shut up, and the only audible sound in that eerie place were the clacks of the unicorn hoofshoes against the floor.
As we approached the obelisks, the door to Redwood's office automatically opened, revealing a round chamber of considerable proportions under doomed roof, a mesmerizing translucent crystal hanged from its center, basking the entire room in a vivid white light.
Sitting around a table at the center, were Redwood, J2 and Silent Notes.
"Finally." J2 said. "Come in and close the door please - I'm talking to you Agent S" He pointed at me. Silent Notes completely ignored our entrance, as he seemed to be way more interested in evaluating the darkness of his hair under the light. Agent D, the youngest of us all, was quick to find a place right next to his crush.
When everyone was settled, Redwood took a sip of his drink, his deep, but shiny green eyes seemed to analyze the entire place from behind the glass.
"So... I guess what they've been saying is true?" He looked at me, raising an eyebrow.
"And w-what exactly they've been saying?" I asked, everyone at the table looked at me with a different expression.
"That Agent J2, after listening to the screams of panic coming from your chambers, caught you fucking 'the circuits out' of Twilight Sparkle's plushie." His sarcastic smile quickly turned into a full-blown hearty laugh. Silent Notes facehoofed while the other unicorn gasped, staring at me with a disgusting look written all over her face.
"It was not a plushie!" I stated, quickly regretting my decision, as my own partner snorted. "I-I mean, I wasn't trying to... to copulate with that thing, you people are just acting like a bunch of school kids" I frowned, crossing my arms. "That droid attacked me while I showered! Someone must have cursed it, and I was forced to intervene."
The good side of being as old and recognized as Redwood, is that no one gives a damn if you start an important session with a joke about bestiality.
"He's just kidding S, we know y-"
"Oh, but I wasn't kidding!" He interrupted agent J2, who merely closed his mouth shut. "I don't really care if the young boy here is into this kind of adventurous-"
"But I'm not!" I shouted. "Why are we even talking about this, when there is an emergency to handle?"
"I agree with the perverted human" Silent Note said, turning around on his chair. "We should proceed as fast as possible, for I have better things to do." He shook his mane to the side.
"Damn, you people are no fun!" The white-haired man said, taking a deep breath. "Hell, I'll tell you all what happened in Equestria last night..." Redwood stood up from his chair, and pointed some sort of pen to the crystal hanging from the roof. It immediately lit up a tree-dimensional projection of Canterlot over the table.
"Princess Luna was hosting a masquerade ball - black tie, surrealistic heads. Everyone with a fat bank account was invited." He started "I suppose everyone here is familiarized with this concept, so I won't describe every little detail." Redwood made a gesture with one of his hands, and the projection astoundingly zoomed, now focusing over the royal castle. "Very well, what I'm about to show may seem pretty ridiculous to some of you..."
He zoomed a little bit more, a large corridor of the castle was now visible from the inside. A group of guards crowded the place, while a half-naked man seemed to ride on Cadance's back while she jumped through a stained glass window. The whole scene was static, their movements paused as a screen cap taken from a movie.
My jaw dropped.
"Is that... Ambassador Hopkins?" Agent D asked in disbelief.
"Yes... Yes it is." Redwood chuckled. "Last night, one of our two ambassadors in Equestria - Mr. Hopkins, had the brilliant idea of sneaking into the wine cellar of the castle, thinking nopony would notice if he picked some fine bottles for himself. Unfortunately, he got drunk long before picking the best Haybernet Sauvignon bottle." He started to pace around the table, observing the three-dimensional picture. "It turns out, that our beloved Princess Cadance, who was feeling quite lonely up there in her room - while her husband probably flirted with another mare somewhere else - decided to do the exact same thing."
"I don't know how - and I must say that I have no idea of what happened down there - but last time Cadance was spotted, she had a human on her back, and was heading to Las Pegasus" I shook my head.
"How do you even know she was heading to Las Pegasus?" I asked, snorting at the thought.
"Well Agent S, that's what she yelled at Shining Armor when he came looking for her by the morning." Turning off the projection, Redwood sipped his cup again. "Clearly inebriated, she jumped trough a glazed balcony, and seemed to teleport before reaching the ground."
"What about Celestia?? Couldn't she just track her spell?" Agent D asked.
"It's not as easy as it may seem D, in special when it comes to alicorn magic..." Silver said. "If the princess was really... ah- drunk, when the spell was performed, there's no way to predict her whereabouts - alcohol and magic is never a good choice." Silent Notes suppressed a laugh.
"What are you laughing at?" Silver glared at him with fiery eyes.
"Oh- Ah, nothing, really. You're such an ironic mare sometimes." He muttered.
"I'm what??"
"Okay, okay, everyone chill - the frustrated lovey-dovey couple could please wash their dirty linen in public later? We are adults for god's sake!" Agent J2 said, and looked to his watch. "Look, we are wasting precious time here - Senior Redwood, you've said previously that you wanted to send me and S to Equestria, but now I don't see how that would be possible without worsening the situation."
"Meh, you never saw many things, J2... Who said I would send your monkeyish bodies through that portal?" A creepy grin formed on his face. "No... I'll release you from this mission today. In fact, you're free to leave now, and please, take the couple of problematic ponies with you." He pointed at the unicorns as if they were a pair of potato bags.
"I-I... Well, okay then, if that's what you want. I see you all later." With that, Agent J2 and the ponies left us alone in the room with old Redwood and his magical pen.
For a few minutes or so, he merely played with the strange crystal in the roof, changing its color and shape, it was almost entrancing, in a bizarre way, to stare at that object.
Suddenly, Senior Redwood stopped, as if an idea had just kicked the insides of his old head.
"Agent Daniel..." He pointed at the blondish guy by my side, calling him by his real name.
"I- W-what?" Quite shocked, Agent D stuttered.
"Have you - or Mr. Sylvester - ever thought about having a horn - and four hooves?"
